Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Well, this is the start.

Yeah, well this is me too. So, hold on, hold on. Bye.

No, no, no, no. First of all, Erin, we don't get to start the episode and end the episode. We talked about this. We have to try to at least do an hour of what we just did with 10 seconds. No. Well, this is me. It felt like an hour.

Here's my train. So good seeing you guys.

Oh yeah, this is my helicopter's here.

What?

Erin, this is the 150th episode of Hey Riddle.

No way.

This is the energy that you want to bring in to episode 150. You're booting around. No way, there's 150 episodes. No, I'm sorry, my tone is wrong. I agree with you guys. This is the energy that I want to bring into our 150th episode.

Well this is my horse. Have a good night everybody.

This is my oversized walrus. You can't break this horse on the train.

Walrus man, you're all good.

You're good to go. What if it's a trained horse? What is the gift for 150th anniversary? I have to assume, I think 50s diamond, 75 is like how are you still alive? I have a guess. 150 has to be new bones.

At 150, if you're still rockin' the old bones that you were born with, you gotta get new bones. But if I don't want new bones... Erin, I'm sorry, you're telling me that you don't want new episodes with David Borreitas and Emily Deschanel?

Yeah, you got it. You don't want new bones? I got 10 seasons. I don't need more. I got more than I deserved.

10 seasons, Erin. You need to study harder. Erin, can I posit this? Yes. Every kiss begins with bones.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

The wedding band, I think with men they call it a wedding band, is that right? Yes, a wedding ring. Which I'm comfortable saying, but I feel like most people are like, you're wedding band? And I'm like, no, it's a ring.

The wedding ring Gemma got for me is... It sounds like you're wearing a very talented musician to her singing uptown funk to a group of middle-aged people at a wedding on your hand.

The wedding band that Gemma got me is Aha. That's so great. Yeah. Cheaper than you'd think. She got me a wedding ring that's like the outside, it's kind of aged bourbon barrel wood and then the inlay is like elk bone and then there's like silver around the elk bone. It's really cool. It's really beautiful.

That sounds like an item you'd get in D&D.

Yes, it really is. Oh, absolutely. It looks like it too. It's very cool.

Speaking of, I found this, I don't know why I found this online, but I found people that do recreations of the One Ring from Lord of the Rings as wedding bands. And I sent it to Mariah and I was like, just saying I'm not pushing you to anything, but I'm just telling you, this is what I will be wearing.

Like this post if this is what you want me to wear.

You can do whatever you want, but I will have one ring to bind them all.

Does it make you invisible?

I hope so.

Does it work? It makes you invisible to single women.

That would be a great comment to see on people's leaving comments on that product. Be like, zero stars, doesn't work, completely visible. Try to rob a bank.

A bunch of people on horses wearing black clothes didn't try to kill me. Zero out of five stars.

I've run into so many ringwraiths. The elvish inscription is on the outside of the ring. Zero out of ten. Every kiss begins with bones.

So, you know what would have been more on brand for us for our 150 episode?

Oh, what's that?

Is if we had just simply forgotten and didn't realize.

Well, Erin, we did. I mean, you and I did.

No, they don't know that.

Wow.

And hey, and I... I'm just guessing. I have no way of knowing if it's our 150th episode.

Did you guys think we'd make it this far? Be honest. Think about like the first seven episodes. Everyone being very honest.

When I first asked you two to join this podcast and we went for a dinner to discuss everything, I didn't think we'd make it past dinner.

Hilariously, that dinner started with us all showing up to dinner and Erin and I being like, we ate before.

Yeah, I was like, dinner's on me since I'm asking you to do this podcast. What do you guys want to get? I think I ordered food for myself and then I think you two split nachos or something? Nachos, yeah, we split nachos. And at the end of the meal there was still like three-fourths of the nachos left.

Those nachos were blessed nachos. Every once in a while you get a plate of very blessed nachos.

I think if you want to start a podcast, the number one advice I would give is to eat nachos with your friends. That's true.

Can I also say, and this is something I thought about because I see this all the time. Hold on, hold on.

Okay. The floor recognizes the young governor from Indianapolis.

And if you just listened to this podcast for the first time, this is a Riddle podcast. It's an era of the GPC with the three hosts. I think we did forget that part, but I see all the time, especially on Twitter, I think, but mostly because that's where I see any interactions. People being like, oh, too many podcasts. We don't need another podcast. The world doesn't need another podcast. Here's what I will say about that. Yeah. You shouldn't be going into any creative project thinking about the marketing of that thing. That to me feels weird. I feel like if you want to do a podcast because you have a fun idea for it, fucking do it. And keep doing it because you're going to have a good time with it.

I don't like when people say that because there's infinite amount of TV shows and songs and no one's like, don't write music. There's already enough music. You'd be like, what?

Oh yeah, I've taught maybe four podcast workshops during quarantine like over Zoom with different theaters and stuff. And one of the number one pieces of advice I give at the top is it is still the Wild West in podcasting. Even though podcasting is like the butt of so many jokes and even though they're always like, oh another podcast. One, there's still room for podcasts because a lot of podcasts, even though there's a ton of them, some of them aren't well done. So it's like, even if you have an idea that's so similar to someone else, you might do it better. So like, please start a Riddle podcast and do it better than we're doing, and that's great. And then two... And we will pay for your dinner.

If you do a Riddle podcast better than us, we'll pay for your nachos. We pick up the check. That is our show guarantee.

And then two, I think there's so much more value than listenership and advertising that comes with a podcast in terms of having a creative outlet for yourself and also a catalyst for spending quality time with friends and creating joy and being creative. So I think, JPC, I think that's a wonderful point and I could not agree more.

The other thing that I'll say, the other side of that coin is I also know people who do podcasts and sometimes they will say, not to me, but just like venting, like, This sucks. Like no one's listening to my podcast. I don't like this. It's like it's going poorly. No one's listening to it. And I'm like, if you put all of your self-worth involved in just what other people are thinking of you, you're destined to fail because nobody wins in that regard.

You know, we forget people listen to this and that's why we have the show.

Sometimes we forget to introduce the show. Six or seven minutes in. But I think do it because you like it. Do it because it gives you joy. Do it because it's fun. And that is, I think, on our 150th episode of GPC's advice.

And GPC, if I may, on the other side of that coin, is a big eagle. And it's holding some branches in its talons. That's cool. Erin, what were you going to say?

I was going to say that when there was a Friday night when we recorded I think episode 567 and it was like the first JP Riddles thing, Adal talked about the sound that what was it a rat made when it came between his flip-flop and his foot? We just did so many fun scenes. Yeah, that's the sound. And we did so many fun scenes and I left feeling like so good. I was like I'm remembering having a really hard week. I literally had an audition like right before that that was in front of like one of those auditions that you had to do at IO where you had to do characters in front of people and then also the people you auditioned for. And I came from that. And I was like, oh god, this is bad. I'm having a hard week. And I left feeling like I was the happiest, greatest person in the world. Like, do you know when you have that glow after you just have a really fun time with the comedians? And I was like, wow, I really, really hope we keep doing this because I was only seeing you guys like once a week for world news and you two are so funny. So I just felt like the idea that we could made it to 150, I'm very, very, very grateful and excited.

Now, what Erin's saying about that little spark that she felt after episodes five, six, and seven, obviously, yes, we know. We haven't felt that spark in maybe 90 episodes, but I implore you, keep listening. We might find it again. It could happen any episode now it could happen.

And it didn't go back and relist it, right? That's fun. Relift the moments. That's fun. I just thought of something I want to do. This is to make "#150 so special." Okay. Are you two on board?

Yeah.

No. Here's what we're going to do. We're going to do the quickest limericks, and we have to start with our own hometown, or what we consider our hometown. Got it. So I'll go first. There once was a boy from Chicago. Who loved the movie Hustle and Flow. He drank drinks that were tiki. His ass was so kinky, and now, and ten months out of the year, he's in snow. So that's, um, so that's my limerick. Who would like to go next? Um, J.B.C.

Wood.

Okay, so. This is gonna be a ride. Chicago? Chicago? Fuck you. Okay, I'll just do Chicago as well. No! No, no, no, okay. There once was a boy from Nap Town. Whose brother's name is Jesse Brown. He lived in a house. He likes to touch a mouse. His other brother's name is not Jesse Brown. Flawless, dismount, Erin, whatever you're ready.

There once was a girl from Boston. She's reading something. I looked up rhymes for Boston.

Get the fuck out of here.

Yeah, but none of these kind of rhymes with Boston.

Wicked stupid.

It's like garden rhymes with Boston.

Maybe you have to do it in a Boston accent. Boston.

Got it.

There once was a girl from Boston. She went to the mall and was lost then. They put out an Amber Alert. She ate a ton of certs and her fresh breath led her back to her roston.

He did it!

There once was a girl from Hingham. Her family, so rich, you could blame him. Not rich. She's just cashing checks because Muddies for sex.

She liked to do her podcast. Nothing rhymes with podcasts. Let's start the episode.

I'm Erin. Erin, you're old man riddles for this episode, correct?

I am, yeah. And I'm really excited. I have some listeners submitted riddles. It's going to be great. Yum, yum, yum. I thought I would start with some honesty. I know that we are just your comedy riddle clowns, everybody. And I promise that we'll stay like that. People do not like it when we're human beings that often. So I promise I won't be a human being that often. But I'm feeling sad today. And I get a lot of messages of people being like, how do you stay positive all the time? Or be happy to do a comedy podcast all the time even when you're sad. So to all those people, I'm feeling sad today and I'm still going to do a great job and it's still okay.

And the answer to that question is it's only for an hour. We could be sad for the rest of the day.

We have the rest of our lives to be sad. For this one hour, we're gonna get it.

I've never said it before in the show and then I thought, you know what? They're gonna be okay. I think it helps people. If you're having a hard day today, I get it. Okay, here we go.

Erin, Erin, thank you for being open and honest and we love you.

Oh, thank you. That's my side of the coin.

I love you. JPC said that you owe him money.

No, no. Erin, thank you for being open and honest. I love you. And I think it's my responsibility to fix you. So I've got 45 minutes to make you not sad forever. So I'm going to fix you permanently.

So does that make sense? I have some WD-40 and a Boston wrench.

I love it.

A Boston Wrench is a Chicago tool.

A Boston Wrench is a Chicago hammer. Okay, let's do this.

Okay, please.

Their initials are M.W. So thank you M.W. for these riddles. Hey guys.

Michael Warden.

There you go. You can make up whatever you want.

Michael Weston. They used to be a spy, Adal. They're sending in Riddles.

Burned Otis. Burned Otis. Bones. What are some other shows? Suits. Go JVC, go.

Those are only three.

Those are the only three. Burned Otis, Bones, and Suits.

The three genders. Burned Otis, Bones, and Suits. And they make up the triangle. They make up the three corners that make up the triangle of golden television.

I wonder where I fall on that.

And the name of the bird owner?

Bird owners, the bones, and the holy suits. Now I'm forever world without any name guys. Churches ruined. Churches ruined.

Those TV shows are ruined. What do you mean? Okay.

I want to get up on stage and do that like an old, like a 90s stand up comic, who's like doing like that very relatable voice but with unrelatable topics like, okay, so everybody knows you're either a bird notice, a bones, or a suit.

Is anybody else here $157 million in the lottery? Just me?

You know when you're on your yacht and... You ever go out with a girl and she's a suit so then you realize, uh oh, she's just like my mother. All right. Hey guys, these should be quick and easy. Well, easy at least. Quick depends on how many scenes get called. That's true. Okay. All right. That was true.

Fair.

All the answers are stupid puns and they're all something you might find in your spice cabinet. Adal, this is where you... Well, they're all... This is where you shine, Adal. Things that you might find in the spice section of a grocery store. Anyways, answers in.

Whoa, are they saying that we don't spice our fucking food? Because I'll have you know, I found some coriander in there.

What's that for? Yeah, before you judge me and come into my world, let me spice up your life. Chicken chick, ah.

Yeah, we all have garlic in our pantries. Impressed?

Vampire spice. That's my one, that's my favorite spice girl, vampire spice.

I love that band.

Oh, Vampire Spice Weekend.

Let's go do some puns, baby! Alright. What weather report makes a skier happy?

Snow News. What weather report makes Snow News a good news? Let the snow fall.

So the next thing you're going to want to do is season meet with Snow News.

Wow. I just talked to Big Game about having a bunch of spices in my cabinet and we thought Snow News was the first answer.

What weather report makes a skier happy? Is that what it was? What is happening? I honestly feel a lot better. What is this?

What's the question?

What weather report makes a skier happy?

It is going to be so easy for someone to do a better Riddle podcast than us. Holy shit, okay. You got half of the word.

Powdered sugar?

No, what's the... Powdered half of it? What makes it... Okay, so what's a bad thing when you look up a... White powder cocaine.

Cocaine's a spice.

No. When you look up a weather report when you're going skiing that weekend, not me, I could never. Can you imagine? I wouldn't be caught dead skiing.

I wouldn't hit a tree. Hold on, let me imagine real quick.

No, come on. Cartwheels down the slope. That would hold more weight. JPC, if he didn't make that sound any time you pictured me doing anything. Alright, so you're at home. You're watching a weather report. You're going skiing that week. Okay. What is like bad news? Like what would you be like?

Bad news? A weather report would be hail, sleet.

No, the other end of that.

Oh, three men found dead.

Too hot.

Yeah, too hot.

So what would be good news?

Cold.

Cold powder.

Something powder. Hot powder. Cold powder. Cayenne powder. Chili powder.

Chili powder. Oh, I get what this is. I get what this is for the first time.

I would like to see a scene. Sure. You two are two guys, two friends, and you're on a ski weekend, and you're stuck on the ski lift together, and you're starting to just get a little cold.

Hey Riddle Riddle. Can I pour some of my thermos of soup into your mouth and then put my hands in your mouth just for like 30 seconds? And then you can spit the soup in my mouth and then put your hands in my mouth? That's the only way I found that we could maybe stay warm.

To be, to be honest, that kind of... Sorry, to be sconnest? To be sconnest, that kind of skinks me out. So maybe, maybe let's just hold on to the thermos. Oh, I'm sorry. I've Scott, we were screns. Hold on. We have a thermos full of hot soup, so that's a source of heat. I think what we should do is we should press that thermos to our skein. If we have any patches of exposed skein, we could put that thermos on it and warm ourselves up.

It's great, it's great. Well, I also brought some pizza and fries, pizza and fries, and I thought we could eat that to stay warm, but it's been in my pocket, so it's now frigid. So I think let's put the thermos against my skin. So I'll put it up against my right scolder, and you put it up against your left scolder, and we'll kind of press into each other. Here we go. God, we're so stupid.

I wish that our third friend, Martin Skirelli, had come on this trip with us, but he was too busy doing his important work of Hiking up AIDS medicine to an 800% profit.

But he should be known for buying that Wu-Tang album. Yes, and now he's known for, I think, being in jail.

Hey, if he's not. Sure seems like the kind of place a person like that should be.

He got his scheme up in his seat.

I was just picturing everybody on either side of those two guys being like, we've been up here six minutes and they're already talking about putting soup at each other's mouths and then putting hands inside that soup.

Putting hands inside that soup.

What does a bartender make to make women feel young?

Tips. This one is, I think, pretty good.

What?

Tips. Oh, I thought you said tits, and I was like, sure.

Nothing makes a woman feel younger than calling her breasts tits.

Excuse me, here's your dry martini, and I made you these tits.

Oh, awesome, thank you.

Three tits. I was working in the ball late one night. We all know bartenders work for tits, okay? So be kind to your bartender. What does a bartender make to make a woman feel young again? Is that what it was?

Yeah, what does he do?

What does he do?

And this could be, and this is a spice, right? The answer is a spice?

Yeah. So it's like less of making a drink and more like before you make a drink.

Oh, Regano? Regano?

To make a woman feel young. Let's see. Something about time. He splits time.

He gives her a rose, marries her all the time.

Oh, this is all great guesses.

And that's Sage Advice. He gives her Sage Advice.

That's really beautiful, not good enough to be true.

Oh, he invites her to his place, and then when she knocks he goes, cumin. Does he kind of like pepper up?

You guys are burning through all the spices, and that's pretty cool. That's pretty good. No, these are actually really excellent guesses. A woman when she's like in a later stage of life could enter into this kind of... Here we go, another segment where Erin explains women to us.

Oh, he menopause's. I'm writing this down.

Okay, yeah, write this down.

He hits a menopause.

Okay, so what's a thing that happens, like, she can maybe have a different title now.

Oh, Duke.

No, well that's amazing. I can't wait until I'm old enough to be a Duke. God, that's one of the actual glorious parts of aging is one day I'll be a Duke.

There's no good roles in Hollywood for Dukes. Does he look at her and say, Dame!

No. It's a title that like... A king would give. No, someone that you're related to calls you.

Oh, widower.

No. Miss. Aunt. Or Mrs. No. Aunt Cinnamants. Someone who's related to you would call you? Grandmom. Mom. Mother.

Yeah, mom. So... Cardamom.

Cardamom.

Yay! Oh, can I see your ID?

He cards a mom. This, Erin, that's maybe my favorite riddle we've ever had. It's really good, isn't it? No, it's very good.

These are like amazing. I would like to see a seed. Oh, okay. Adal, you are a bartender, and JPC and I are moms who are out on the town having just a fun little ladies' night.

Mm-hmm. Go ahead. Great. Hi, ladies. Welcome to... Oh, did you hear that? Ladies. Oh, I'm sorry, is that the note?

No, you're perfect. We're just, we're out in the town. This is our first time out since having baby number two for me, baby number three for her.

Her baby number two is my baby number three.

Yeah.

Okay. Well, welcome to The Loaded Gun. Can I see your IDs, please? Here is my ID. Oh, I'm sorry. These are your driver's license. Can I see your NRA memberships?

What is this? This is a bar, correct?

You know what?

We are from the suburbs. We packed our small purses tonight and all we have is our IDs.

Is that okay? In your purse, do you happen to have an IUD?

That's a little weird. Almost weirder than the gun thing.

Yeah. Almost.

Not quite, almost. No, no, we don't, we don't really... Okay, well, I trust you two.

It's a slow night anyway, so hop up on one of these AK-47s turned into a stool. You're just going to sit on the barrel of the gun there. You kind of want to hover though.

Yeah, maybe we'll stay on. Yeah, I thought maybe you'd put a stool over that part.

These are stools, huh? These are what stool, okay.

Yeah. I thought you'd maybe do a seat, but okay.

What do you say if you've turned one into a stool? It doesn't really look like there was a lot of work done in the turned into department.

Okay, I'll take a seat.

I'll take a seat, why not?

Anything that's four feet next to a bar is a stool. Okay, so a seat right here.

Ooh, ooh, okay, hovering, hovering now.

What can I get you to? And also, here's our special menus right here.

Oh, it's mostly guns.

Yeah, so are all of these cocktails that are just named after guns? There's no descriptions. It's just a list of guns.

Well, some are what they say they are, and some are drinks.

Okay, and I guess we can tell by the prices. Yeah. Yes. So this one's $250, I think probably a gun. Oh, wow. Okay, that's a cocktail.

But it's made with some very, it's made with saffron. We also use Dan Aykroyd's tequila. Oh, I'm sorry, Dan Aykroyd's vodka. I'm sorry, Dan Aykroyd's tequila.

I'm sorry, Dan Aykroyd's gun. You know what? It's really interesting because it's like, I'm looking at this and under all the alcohol choices, it's saying like, please drink responsibly, don't drink or drive. And under all the gun choices, it just says whatever.

Yes. Yes.

Yes. Okay. Yeah.

Okay. I'll just have a martini. I guess I'll just have a martini and it says it comes with Kalishnikovovs. Is that correct?

Yes. I don't know.

What is that?

Is that a kind of olive? They're all of us, but they are imported illegally from Russia. Okay.

I don't know why that would be illegal. I would like to leave because I miss my kids and this place is a nightmare.

Oh, hold on. Hold on. We have other things for sale. We do sale, we do sell bullets. Oh good. You read the situation correctly there. They're call of duty free. They're call of duty free. Oh. See. Tom, you idiot.

I don't want to get them. I'll try to sell them bullets. That'll win them back. That's what their concern is.

What made me an uncle?

What made me... Is this another riddle or is this you asking? Uh, anchovies. Ooh! No. Oh, this would be, uh, nephew. Um, uh, niece. Oh, uh, niece. Niecey Nash.

Niecey... You got it here.

Niece. Star anise. Star anise. That's a spice, right? Is that a spice? Niece. Or just anise. Is it just anise?

Anise is part of it? It's anise.

Anise is a spice?

Yeah.

I only know star anise, but I assume anise is maybe a thing on its own.

Yeah, I'm looking up anise. What is the spice anise used for? It's a flavoring agent, which just sounds like a spice.

Yeah, I've had a lot of it. It tastes, at least star anise, tastes exactly like black licorice. Yeah, that's what it says. So I cannot say that. Black licorice is my least favorite flavor.

Well then you probably hate absinthe.

Absinthe, yes, pretty rough. But I've tried it. Just because I'm like, what's this? And it did nothing.

It's good for you, right? Or something like Absinthe makes the park grow fonder? Yeah, Absinthe is good for you.

To Lucer Trek.

To Lucer Trek thrived because of it.

I tried Absinthe at the Violet Hour in Wicker Park, and it was disgusting.

BING BING BING BING BING BING! Erin, you have won hipster bingo!

That's outstanding. Yeah, Violet Hour is always behind a different mural. It's like a speakeasy and they repaint the mural all the time so it looks different.

You can still find it. That's the place where they kick you out if they see your phone, right? Is that Violet Hour? No, I don't think so. There's one bar over there in that area where if they see you take out your phone you get kicked out.

I'm always getting kicked out of bars because I take up my phone. But in fairness, when I take up my phone, I'm also yelling, world star! And throwing punches as well.

In that order.

In that order, yeah. I'm starting the fights with me yelling world star and then throwing punches.

I have to assume, and Erin, I cannot know for sure, but I have to assume if you had absinthe at a bar, a legal bar, that it was not, it did not contain wormwood.

No, I don't think so, but it did glow. So that was really cool. Yeah, I liked the ceremony of it. Like I liked watching him prepare it and watch him talk about it. The people who worked there knew so much and it was like really interesting. And my friends and I were like, this is amazing. And but it did like take a little while. And then later, like maybe a year and a half later, I went there on a first date and it was the date that the guy was just talking about all the hot sauce he loved.

Wait.

I love that date. I tried to say something about myself and he said, sorry, I wasn't finished. And then he kept talking about hot sauce.

And sorry, this was a date, your first date with comedy bang bang host Hot Saucerman?

Yep. Yeah, he only talked about hot sauce and then I was like, it was like early 2018 and I was like, oh, this is dating. This is internet dating. And he was like, should we try like the absinthe thing and me knowing how long that takes? I was like, no, I think I might be allergic to that.

Let's split one Medello and call it a night. Speaking of calling it a night, we're going to take a quick nap and a break and we'll be right back with more absinthe.

Hey Riddle Riddle. Lancelot. Yes?

Benavir.

Well, I guess we can't call it a night because they're all right here. Wow. Is that right? I was trying to- I knew Lancelot.

What's the other night?

Benavir? Benavir.

There's Sir Gawen, Sir Green Knight, Sir Arthur, Sir Lancelot, Sir Merlin, Sir Archimedes.

Riddle's like, whoa, I'm out of the night.

Ben-a-veir.

Ben-a-veir.

Ben-a-veir. Yeah, Sir Betta Bear.

Were the Knights of King Arthur's court ever like important to you guys growing up? I remember there was a time where I loved those stories.

Only because of Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Sure. I was obsessed with the, what is it, Sword and Stone, the Disney movie? I was obsessed with that as a kid. And that's actually the fight scene between Merlin and, I forget the witch's name, Mad Madam Mim. That fight scene between Merlin and Mad Madam Mim dictated so much of my personality as a kid and it's actually the reason that like Chunt is a shapeshifter in Magic Tavern is because they kept shifting into animals where it's like he became an elephant so she became a mouse and then he became a crocodile to eat the mouse and she you know so that that one scene in that movie has affected me in so many ways so I was obsessed with Merlin, Archimedes, Arthur, and all that but I didn't I read the What's the, um, there's a story that's like, is it the Green Knight or is it, there's, I'm sure there's a bunch of stories, but some of those stories are fantastic, but I think they're a little long-winded, so I haven't read them all.

Um, would you say, Adal, that that is your hot sauce?

That's my hot sauce. Nights at the round table are my hot sauce. The guy at the table only talked about this.

Excuse me.

We'll have a good night.

Oh, thanks for meeting me on this date. Ooh, this booth. Could we get a different table? Maybe a more circular... I would love it if... So I do comedy in the city.

Oh, cool, cool. Yeah, and I've been here since like 2014.

So, Avalon is seemingly buried.

Wait, were you there? That's exactly how it went.

I would love at the end of the day, Erin, if you were like, okay, well, have a good night. And he was like, uh, actually wasn't done talking about hot sauce.

It literally, we were like, he was like, let's go across the street to Big Star Taco. Oh, he said, let's go. And I was like, oh, God, there's going to be hot sauce there.

Oh my god. At the end of the date. You can't take that guy anywhere one of his hot sauce triggers is likely to come because he will just go off about hot sauce.

Can't take him to Louisiana. Can't take him anywhere there's crystals.

I wouldn't mind if we talked about hot sauce for 20 minutes. I like hot sauce. That's kind of cool if that's like a new hobby of yours. You have to let me speak on the date. How would you like me?

Alright Erin, I'm getting a little pissed off right now because you're one of these women who says that they like hot sauce, but me being a hot sauce fanatic, I'm gonna quiz you now on hot sauce to just see how much you actually like hot sauce.

So you both were there!

Okay, and just for listeners, Erin is taking out her purse. It says Hillary Rodham Clinton on it, and she's taking out some hot sauce. She proved it.

This guy is one of my new favorite guys that don't actually exist but it's just this one like this type of guy who is just this one weird guy where he starts talking about hot sauce and you're like oh I like hot sauce too and he goes no you fucking don't. You just fucking don't. You must be confused. You must be confused.

That is so common. That happens constantly all the time. Oh fuck it's so funny.

Well let's get to some riddles then.

Okay great. What did the astronauts say as they watched a black hole destroy their home? Oh god no.

My life. My daughters.

My dogs.

My collection of vintage porn. And that the women are old. Born as new, women are old. I'm sorry, the dukes are old. Um, hmm. Erin, you said, what did the astronauts say as they watched the black hole consume their home? Destroy their home, yeah. Destroy their home.

All spice. I read that riddle and Christopher Nolan was like, yes, a screenplay.

Omega no. Omega no. Okay, so it's a spice and the ash spice.

World's beneath a black hole. There's no in the word, you know?

Uh, no.

Um, okay. Cinnamannoman.

This one doesn't make as much sense to me.

Cinnamannoman. Yeah, cinnamann. Absinthe. Absinthe.

Oh, uh, bay leaf. Bay.

Is the word black in there? Is it like black pepper or?

No, and that's a good question. Yeah, so part of this is a word for Earth. And if Earth is no longer there, it's... Tarragon. Yep.

Tarragon. Okay, yeah, that makes sense, yeah.

That's a harder one to get, I think.

An astronaut would call Earth Terra because it's... Terra firma? Yeah, terra firma. Latin, I believe?

Yeah. Full stop. Adal dead stop on myself. I wish to God I hadn't said, it's Latin, I think. Because if it's not, I'm going to get flooded. It's Latin. Oh, thank God.

So it would have been cooler if you said, it's Latin.

Casey, cut out me being terrified for my social media life.

Hey, Adal, just do a couple reads of it's Latin and then we can drop it in. Go ahead.

Yeah, some drop ins. It's Latin. Sorry, just lighting my pipe. It's Latin. That was a bubble pipe. Actually, Erin, NJPC, it's Latin.

Okay, perfect. We're going to use that for something else.

Hey Riddlekiss. That's for a separate project that we're running. Adal, did you say that you would like to see a scene? I would like to see a scene. Erin, you are a detective and you are a pet detective and you are investigating a missing cat. JPC, you are the owner of Terra the Cat. And you are so flustered and so distraught that you can only speak in sentences that mimic phrases like tarragon.

Wait.

The phrase tarragon? Okay, got it. So if your cat's named Tara and you're like, Tara, gone. So it's almost like Georgia the Jungle speaker or something. Got it, got it, got it.

Sir, you called me?

Tara gone. Tara gone. Cat. Morning.

And now I'm trying to figure out what that means. Do you mean your morning, the loss of your cat? Or did you last see your cat this morning? Wait, don't tell me. Let's see, I saw you were listening to... Wait, wait, don't tell me on your phone this morning that my memory serves me right there. Yes. Are? Yes. All right, sir. Just relax. Calm down. Men are so emotional and hysterical. Unbelievable. All right, let's see. I see this. A window is open and very interesting. Find. To my left, I see. Find Kitty. Yes. Food is untouched which can only mean one thing. The cat heard you listening to wait wait don't tell me it was frustrated it wasn't getting enough of the answers right. It jumped out the window it didn't eat its food and oh nope I see your cat and it is dead in your closet. I'm gonna just draw with chalk outline the dead cat and know it's sleeping. The cat is sleeping in your closet. Another day another dollar. I'm me lady detective who acts like a man. Bye!

I love you to say, the cat is dead. Let me draw with chalk here and you just write dead on the floor. Dead cat. I just drew dead cat with chalk on your wall. I love, let me take a look in here. Oh, all kinds of clues in here. So anyway. All kinds of clues in here. All kinds of clues. That was another great one. Tarragon is fantastic. I would also say these are like less than common spices.

We're doing some deep cuts in the spice cabinet. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

This one's tricky.

Erin, they've all been tricky. I feel tricked.

This one's extra tricky.

Ooh.

Why did Lerman have to take some time off from directing Moulin Rouge?

So, it's got to be Basil. Yeah, you got it. His name is Boz Lerman. And it's a Boz is Ill. Ill means to be sick. Basil.

Yeah, you got it. I thought that would be trickier than it was.

Basil. I guess he pronounces it Boz.

I love Moulin Rouge.

Isn't Bozil, isn't that the Boston Austin Powers? Basel, baby.

Do Brits say Basel? They might say Basel. I guess they say Basel and Austin Powers.

Nicole Kidman in that movie was like, I was so enamored by her growing up. I was like, I want to be her.

And Austin Powers?

Yeah, of course.

And I wanted to be John Leguizamo in that movie. Just a wacky nightmare. I think I said this, but I saw Moulin Rouge on Broadway and it was the worst thing I've ever seen.

Brett Lyons got me tickets to the Pretty Women musical and I took Mariah there on our, it was an early date, maybe even our first date, and afterwards I went to Brett and I said, hey man, are you fucking kidding me? Oh my god. I guess thanks for the tickets.

I saw that and my friend got me tickets because he was the lead in that. Yeah, he was in it. But Sadia was obsessed with Moulin Rouge, so that is weirdly in, I'd say, the top five movies that I've seen the most. I've probably seen that movie 12 to 15 times just because Sadia would watch it ad nauseam, and then also she would play the Romeo and Juliet soundtrack. I'm sorry. Romeo Plus Juliet.

Romeo and Juliet.

Romeo equals tragedy. And I think, I don't know for certain, I can't remember exactly, but I think that's where I first heard Radiohead and that's what got me into Radiohead.

That soundtrack is really good.

I cannot say for certain, but I think the Romeo Plus Juliet soundtrack is where I first heard a children's choir do Prince's wind doves cry. I believe that's why I first heard.

No, no, not everybody.

You sure it wasn't the local park? It could have been, I used to be a big football guy so it could have been like an episode of football.

What was the thing when Jim and Pam kissed?

Was that the office or was that an episode of football? Football is the longest running television series.

It was Jim McMahon and an episode of football done. Pam Elway.

What was that thing where everyone got hurt and weren't paid enough for the amount of brain injuries they were getting?

Bones.

Spider-man turned off the dark. Suits.

Spider-man turned off the dark. Truly they got hurt and weren't paid enough.

Last one.

Let's get some more of these spittles.

Last one. What do these answers have in common?

All spices.

All Spice. Yes. These were awesome weren't they?

They were. These were phenomenal. So M.W. please write us some more. We're begging you.

You were great. We loved you. You're possibly from England with that whole Basel thing, so possible ducks.

Or his name could be pronounced Baslerman. You think his name is Bay Slurman? I think it's Baz, but again... It's Baz. That's what I thought, but I never want to speak with authority because I'm so fragile.

Alright, I have a little bit more listener-submitted riddles.

Just three more.

Alright, these are from David, who said I can read his name on air. Hi y'all. I recently discovered your podcast and have enjoyed listening to it while I invent planets at work. Fun little callback. I have listened to about 50 episodes in the past month, including the newer ones. My descent into madness is nearly complete. We are so sorry.

Okay.

We're sorry. Through your efforts, my wife and I became... Pregnant? Inspired to write our own riddles. Here are three of them, along with some clues and answers.

So Adal, you are correct though. A lot of millennials nowadays, they're not having kids. What they're doing is they're writing riddles with their partner. And that, they hope it to be their legacy.

And they have a solution reveal party, right?

And rich people are scared and angry because they go, you can't put riddles into a workforce. Who's going to be the poor people in 25 years?

These people, they're not buying homes. They're eating their avocado toast and their espressos and they're making riddles. They're killing people with icicles and they're riding on horses named Friday.

Who names a horse Friday? Gen Xers.

Unbelievable. Okay, first one. I serve a mighty queen of old. On beat and wing, leave and return. If you try to steal my gold, then you will feel my burn.

I have to be 100% honest with you too. All my brain is doing is cycling through spices.

Okay, let me picture you cycling through spices.

I'm spice racking my brain. Is this like some sort of spice peloton that you're riding, just cycling through spices? Uh, Erin, this has to be some sort of dragon, right? They're like, they got beaten wings, they're serving an old queen, they're lying on treasure. Oh, served a queen, RuPaul.

No. He's young.

What are you, fracking? Burn RuPaul. Okay, so.

I serve a mighty queen of old. On beaten wing, leave and return. If you try and steal my gold, then you will feel my burn. This is an excellent riddle. David and his wife are very good at riding riddles, riding riddles. They're a good match for each other cause they ride good riddles, ride good riddles.

I serve with Queen of Old. So as we all know from Romeo and Juliet, the oldest queen is Queen Mob, who's a Spider Queen. Spider Queen. What's the Spider in Lord of the Rings?

Adal, she love and I'll help you. I'll help you and I'll need to say that this is going to... She love, she love.

Ooh baby when she love, she love. So a Queen of Old.

You're close. Keep going. Keep going in that song.

Me or JPC?

She bangs? No, keep going in that song.

She bangs? She looks like something but she stinks like a bee. She looks like a spider but she stinks like a bee.

A queen bee. It's a bee. Gold is honey. Wow Adal, I'm so sorry because your fucking random ass word association game almost got you to the answer and I cut you off saying it certainly can't.

I've, GPC, I've told you a million times. When I start sputtering nonsense for three hours, let me finish because I'm getting to the point.

He's like Sherlock Holmes he is, except maybe his hit rate is like one percent. It is the same concept.

Can I quickly read the clues and then the answer? Yes. The answer is an animal. Insects are animals, you fucking ridiots. A bee, queen, and then the answer is a bee. Queen bees are larger, live much longer than regular bees, the wing part is obvious, the gold is honey, and the burn is a sting.

Nice, nice, nice. That's a great one. I want to see a scene. Erin, you're going to be the giant spider Shelob. I'm sorry, you're going to be a giant spider auditioning to play Shelob. JPC, you're going to be a casting agent representing Peter Jackson and Pippa. No, what's her name? What's his wife's name? Pippi Longstocking. Pippi Longstocking.

Hi, my name is Webb and I am auditioning today. It's so nice to meet you. Thank you so much for seeing me today.

Thank you so much, Webb. We're a pleasure to have you here and whenever you're ready.

Sure. And just so you know, no hard feelings about not getting cast as the big spider in the Harry Potter movies. There's only a couple of roles for big spiders in Hollywood.

That's not our production company, so it's a completely separate company and we're all, everyone here in the room, is rooting for you today, Webb. Whenever you're ready.

Why are you here? I don't like it that you're here. It's annoying to me. I'm gigantic. I can make you a creepy Frodo.

Alright, Web, we love that. We did everyone in the room loves it. We all want you to succeed here.

Sorry, I just want to pipe in real quick to say I also loved it. My name is Fran Walsh and I just wanted to scream that aloud because I just remembered my own name and I'm very important to this movie so I deserve credit. My name is Fran Walsh. Goodbye.

Fran does that once every couple of minutes, so you'll have to bear with Fran. And go ahead, Webb. We love what you're doing. Please just feel free to read the dialogue from the movie that we've prepared for the audition. I know it says here that you're a giant spider. One of your qualities is improvisation. We won't need that for today, but we love that you have it.

It's one of my special skills.

In Australia we call those qualifications. Qualities. We call them qualities.

I'm a big spider. You're not supposed to be here. Gollum tricked you, didn't he?

Frank, can you read for Frodo here? Yes, of course. Actually, do you mind if I read for Samwise? Please, yes. I'll read for Frodo if it comes up. Oh no.

Oh no, Mr. Frodo. I'm gonna kill you second. First I eat the Frodo one. You know what? I don't need this. I don't need this. I'm done. I'm out. It's between me and Julia Roberts for Eat, Pray, Love. So you know what? That's probably gonna work out. I don't need this.

I didn't know Eat, Pray, Love was about a spider. No, it's about a woman.

You think spiders can't be women who go through divorces?

Oh, I thought P-R-E-Y.

Wait, wait. That passion that you just showed right there is exactly what we're looking for. I would like to today offer you, it's between you and Julia Roberts, on the spot, the part of Sheila, if you'll take it.

I'm sorry. I've been in the back of the room. Do you mind if I re-audition? It's me, Julia Roberts. I'm sorry, Julia. You had your fucking chance and you blew it. Hold on. You blew it. Let me give you just one line. Okay. I've got webs you've never seen.

Oh no, I lost another part to Julia Roberts.

Scene.

Poor Webb. Webb is up for all the parts. She was up for Julia Roberts part in Valentine's Day. She was up for Julia Roberts part in Pretty Woman.

Erin, we're going to see the quickest of scenes.

Well, hold on. I would just like to say that I do not want people reaching out to me to tell me that my Australian accent was bad, but that was the best I've ever done it. So feel free to reach out to me to tell me that that was the best I've ever done it. Now, does that mean it wasn't very good? Sure, but it was the best I've ever done it. So if you need to think of something nice to say today, maybe you could try that.

Wait, we can ask for compliments? You have to, or else you'll never get them. Here's my impression. This is one line of Ray Romano from his new sitcom featuring a spider. Okay.

I'm writing you a check for $600 million. I love you. Have fun. Go live the rest of your life. You can retire. Okay. I'm going to get through the second two riddles quickly because I just want to read them both.

Okay. Please. Do you want us to try an answer between them?

Yes. With help of Gaia's breath I soar, above the source from which life flows. Should my hardened body wound, I'll fall into the dark below.

So Gaia of course is Whoopi Goldberg from Captain Planet. Yes. So I have to assume the answer is making Whoopi.

Is the source through which life flows is it the ocean or the ocean? That would be a cloud dripping with rain or sleet or weather.

Erin you're giving us nothing. You're giving me none of the right answers.

I'm going to give you the clues.

This thing, because it's a thing, has been used since prehistory. You can still get pregnant from prehistory. At least one of you has been in one, which is my favorite clue for any riddle we've ever gotten. This is so funny and so true.

At least one of you has been in one. A woman? A boat?

Oh, my God.

A woman's boat?

Not Penny's boat? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. The existence is prehistory. Erin's crying blood.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You got it. It's a boat. It's not a woman.

Oh, my God.

It's a sailboat.

Sky is breath, equals wind.

Source of life, equals water. If you break, it sinks. That is so funny. To assume that is our vibe is maybe one of us has been in a sailboat. Have you guys been in a sailboat?

Never sailboat. Yeah. I've never, I've been in plenty of boats, but not a sailboat.

Well, this is hilarious. I have been in one a couple of times. Good read. Good read on us. All right. That is amazing. Okay. Last one. I hurt you before I help you. I travel in cold and dark. I have no knowledge yet. I teach you. Often twice I make my mark.

JPC.

Often twice I make my mark. I gotta say, is this... Zorro? Well, I was gonna say... Pause, pause, pause. Mark Wahlberg? Zorro?

It's not Mark Wahlberg.

Marky Mark? Marky Mark? Oh, that's actually a phenomenal answer.

It makes us mark twice! Alright, you know what, let's just have that be the answer. Can someone send a bunch of riddles and all the answers are Mark Wahlberg and I promise I'll sprinkle those riddles throughout every episode I do from now on.

I know it's not typically considered this, but I think Marky Mark, aka Mark Wahlberg, has the best cover song of all time in which he covers Beach Boys Good Vibrations. It's a bold cover. It's a bold cover.

Feel it. I'm not lying, that is a good use of your tongue.

I all of a sudden knew what song I'm going to be listening to while I give birth.

Come on, come on.

Give birth, walking down the aisle, any big moments, death of a loved one. Death of a salesman.

I had this conversation the other day. If you were to be buried and you were to be lowered in your grave, what would be the funniest song? To play while you're lowered.

Get low. Get low. Get low. Get low is amazing because you're going into the ground. Get low works really well. Drop it like it's hot. Drop it like it's hot.

From the windows to the wows.

I would do that like, I'm waking up to ashy dust I wet my brow and I sweat my nose That radioactive, radioactive She left me roses by the stairs Surprises let me know she cares Well if anyone has a good answer to that, please tweet it at me because it makes me laugh Come on Barbie, let's go party Oh yeah

Hiya, Barbie.

Hi, Ken. I did the wrong one. Hiya, Barbie. Hi, Ken. You want to go for a ride? Sure, Ken. Jump in. I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world. All my loved ones are crying.

I like your version better, which is, hi, Ken.

Hi, Barbie. Hiya, Barbie. Hi, Ken.

You still smoking? Yes.

You want to go for a ride? Sure, Ken. Jump in. I heard you before I help you. I travel in cold and dark. I have no knowledge yet. I teach you. Often twice I make my mark. It's an excellent riddle. I'm going to read the clues. This is a very topical riddle. Your body can be taught as well as your mind.

Oh, this is a vaccine.

It's the COVID vaccine.

Did you get it twice? Well, depending on Johnson Johnson or Pfizer or... You can get that one twice. You just have to change your name and come in with a big mustache. Did you get Pfizer or Menorah? Menorah's insane because it's 12 crazy shots.

Okay, okay. Give me that check back, please.

No, I already cashed in and bounced. Well, Erin, thank you so much. That was, and thank you everyone who submitted riddles. These were truly some of the best riddles we've ever done.

I thought so too. I read these and I went, I don't think there was a bad riddle in the bunch today. So get off my dick about there being bad riddles all the time.

Speaking of getting off your dick, Erin, is there anything you would like to plug?

I would plug just drinking water. Sit on your couch and stare off into space and just drink some water. And I think we're going to be okay. I don't know. Maybe. GBC, anything to plug?

I will just say that you can follow me on Twitch, Twitch.tv slash Sharkbarkman. Also, you can listen to the Billbuds podcast. As of the time where this comes out, we have just wrapped up discussing Taylor Swift's re-release of Fearless, Fearless Taylor's version. Hell yeah. Blair in that at the house. Adal, anything that you would like to plug?

Let me think here. I really enjoyed Invincible. I think that was on Prime. Amazon Prime was very good and I'm also enjoying Mar, Mayor of East. That one I can't help you with. I don't know what that is.

I finally started watching Ted Lasso per your request and it's one of the best TV shows I've ever seen.

We're getting close to season two. Yeah it comes out in July. I think it's Ted Lasso season two comes up the same day the Olympics start so that'll be fun.

I can't wait for the Olympics.

Well, Erin, I know that there's a lot of betting going on, a lot of sort of online betting happening with sports, and specifically with the Olympics. And you have put thousands of dollars into the country you think is going to win the most gold medals. And that country, I can't remember what they're called. It's a smaller country.

It is... Canada? No, that's not it. Oh, Jupiter!

Bye forever.

Aaron, I don't think I've ever heard that date story. It's ridiculous. Unbelievable. That's one of my favorites. Was it an improviser?

No, no, no. This was like when I was going on internet dates from Coffee Meets Bagel. It was that guy and then in the same week, it was the guy who quizzed me on all the state capitals in the same way. And I was like, I don't think I want to be in love.

Just because I don't know Mount Pleer, I don't want to have sex.

But that guy only talked about hot sauce. It was insane.

That's unbelievable. I think that that guy's probably got some sort of big comical wheel in his apartment that before he leaves he spins and whatever it lands on is like, that's my personality for the day. So it's like my personality for today is hot sauce. Yesterday it was doves. I had to speak about doves for a long time.

You know what kind of pissed me off though? He never texted me or called me after that date. And I was like, oh, you didn't have a good time. That wasn't fun.

That's my move to make, sir.

Hey there compound words. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. JPC does four episodes in one with four brand new games. You can listen to all that plus our entire back catalogue at patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle by joining the Clue Crew for $5 a month or the Review Coo for $8 a month. See you then!

That was a hate gun podcast.