Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Well I'm a tiny little boy and I'm trapped in this podcast. Please let me out by answering riddles.

Well I'm a tiny little squirrel and I'm stuck in this podcast. Please let me out by answering riddles.

I'm a tiny little marshmallow boy and I'm in a well somewhere for it. What are you doing? I don't know. Okay, if I'm the only one, I'll shut the fuck up, but I am just not feeling it today. I don't want to do it today.

I'm not feeling it today. Oh my god, you speak the truth. I am not feeling it together. What the hell?

I'm never feeling it, but I fake it.

Well, I know what else I'm saying. I usually put the bare minimum in it and today I just don't want to.

You fake it? Well, no, Erin, you're the best. You're all like bail ready. I'm like raising like show of hands. Yeah, we're all bailing. Okay.

We're bailing on it today.

Okay. Well, we have like a bunch of backup audio for when this happens. So let's pick. That's not interesting. Oh, let's just use one of the auditions for High School Musical, the musical. We'll save that for Patreon. Yeah, that's a Patreon thing for sure. Athol's Greatest Party Ever 3. No, that's on Patreon. Again, that's more, it's Patreon, it's patreon.com or whatever. Uh, JPC's sleep enactment. Funny. There's a bunch of JPC's sleep enactments with different parentheses. It's where he dreams about the Civil War.

There's funny, there's real, there's parentheses too real, which, let's not play that one.

Okay, so we're not doing JBC Sleep Enactment historical, and now that I'm making this joke, I realize that people would rather see that than the episode that we're doing.

Yeah, let's stop listing this thing that we could be doing. Hey, let's agree the next one that we list is the one that we're actually gonna play. Adal's pun extravaganza.

Here we go. No, we're not playing that one. I actually deleted that file by accident because Adal, it was too good.

Honestly, you deleted that file. It appeared on my computer, so I feel like maybe that file is just skipping over the net.

It's the ring of podcast episodes. All right. I'm going to just double click here on Family Road Trip parentheses Riddles.

Okay.

All right. See you guys next week.

See you next week. See you next week.

For a second, I thought we were really leaving, but that's not real. We have to be these people. Let's hit the road. We're going to hit traffic.

Okay. Coming. I'm coming.

Ed. Ed. Ed. Is he mowing?

Hold on. I'm not mowing. I'm just making sure if we don't lock, if we don't lock the lawn mower in the shed, someone will come and take it.

Someone will steal your stuff. Nobody cares.

Okay. I'm just gonna, I'm gonna check to make sure that the oven is off and then I'll be ready to go. I'll be right back. Grab me a pineapple crush. You're lucky there was one in there. Stop leaving these in the oven, champ. Stop leaving these in the oven.

I like them warm. All the lights are off in the house, the lawnmower safely in the garage. Oven's off?

Oven's off.

Okay, because it sounded like you only had time to go grab a pineapple crush and not enough time to check on the oven.

I took the pineapple crush out of the oven. Ethan, stop putting them in there. Stop it. And I turned the oven off.

I like the taste of burnt pineapple. I can't begin to...

Alright, let's not start a fight. I know, okay. Buddy, you're going to college.

Yeah. You can't, you can't be, okay. You know what? I love, I love you to death. Let's get in the car. Let's get in the car.

Okay. Um, I am, I'm, I'm excited. I know that we've double checked the back. You have all your suitcases and you got your posters and all the things that you might need back there.

Mom, I told you, you can't keep crying like this.

I'm not crying. Look, I'm smiling.

My therapist says that this is manipulation.

Is all emotion, is expressing any emotion manipulation? I knew getting you to therapist would make my life a tiny bit more exhausting.

No mom, that's not. But hiding all my acceptance letters from out of state colleges was manipulation. We've worked through that.

We've worked through that.

Where? Luckily, I found it and luckily I did accept my scholarship to UC Santa Cruz, Go Banana Slugs. But I just don't want to deal with this, you know?

No, I'm proud of you and I'm excited. We're gonna cross the country in a car.

We're both proud of you.

We're so proud of you. And I don't even... Does that sound like me? Hiding!

Why are you speaking in pure facts? We're going to cross the country in a car?

I'm sorry, some people call this exposition. I guess I'm not graceful at it, honey. Oh my god, Ethan.

Are you recording this, Mom? Oh god.

Am I recording this? Of course it's going to be our last family thing.

You're so embarrassing. Ethan, it's not embarrassing. Your mother and I love you, and we're going to take you across country in the car. That's a little more exposition just in case it wasn't clear to begin with. But before we do, Chip, why don't you meet me over by the oak tree real quick?

Fine. Mom, can you please take that apron off? You don't need an apron to drive.

Yeah, why are we making this me the most stereotypical mom in the universe? I'm a mechanic, I'll have you know.

Okay. She's a mechanic, but when the lawnmower breaks, who's out there in the shed? Fix the- Okay, it doesn't matter.

Ethan. Let's not do this!

Ethan, Ethan.

Just because she was wearing an apron to drive, I thought that was funny. I wasn't trying to say her place is in the kitchen.

God, I feel like I'm in trouble. It's telling that you thought it was funny. Ethan, did you- did you get- did you pack the condom? The condom that I gave you? Yes. Okay, remember that's only for an emergency. If you meet someone you have to fuck.

Okay, but dad, I don't think- Did he pack the condoms?

Mom! I'm talking about the condom now! Condoms? I think next time- No, one condom!

Yeah, we gave him one!

Janine, we gave him one condom!

Yeah, we gave him a single condom!

Yeah! In case he meets someone that he has to fuck!

To fuck! That he has to fuck, yeah!

Did he pack it? Yes, I packed it. Next time, please don't get me condoms from Spencer's because these are like novelty ones. It's super long and it glows in the dark.

Stop adding an S to the word condom. We got you a single condom. I'm not a monster. I'm giving you one condom.

What's all this about multiple condoms? You better not be finding multiple people. Find the one, boy, like I did with your mother. I've told you the story.

Yes, you fell in love with a beautiful girl working on a car. She slid from under the car, and the car dropped down and crushed her legs.

It crushed my legs!

You got a burst of adrenaline, picked up the car, fixed her legs in one pop on each leg, and she stood up and kissed you and said, I must spend the rest of my life with you. And you put on a condom, took it off, and made love.

And that's how you were born. I'm an excellent mechanic who doesn't need to be saved.

And I just happened to be a new surgeon. I guess canonically. Now I'm a new surgeon.

Ethan, you're going to learn a lot about the world. You're going to learn how to be helpful and good to other people, no matter what background they come in. So let's get in the car. What's up?

Real quick, I just want to thank you for paying for all of my college tuition. And it was you that paid for it, not dad, because in this family, my mom is the breadwinner.

I know. Why are you saying this? We know this.

No. And I'm also just saying. You're also the smartest of the three of us, by far, and the funniest of the three of us. You also look the best.

Now you're overcompetating. I would be doing better if it weren't for this damn malpractice. I keep getting busted by these suits.

Let's talk about it in the car. Let's at least get in the car. The recording is going and on. It is August 24th. That's the Flork Family Way. Fashionably late. Okay we're in the car. So this is going to be the new Serial Podcast or someone in the future is going to find this and be like, that's history.

That whole family. Here we go. Don't bring up Serial. You know that my major is false crime. I don't want to talk about Serial. I don't want to talk about the guy

Okay, honey, I just have to ask one more time and the last time your mom's going to ask, is false crime a real major at a university? Is that an accredited major?

Yes. UC Santa Cruz said with the money that you're paying, they would make it a major.

Okay, the GPS says we have 38 hours.

Okay. All right.

I'm going to drive five over and I think that that's going to knock, actually with this length, a couple of hours off.

Alright everyone, click of safety. Your father's going to knock a couple of hours off, so you know what that means. You want to have your seatbelt on.

Five over, is that why they call cops 5-0? Because they pull you over for going five over?

I can't believe you're going to college, Ethan. These are the types of questions you're asking.

Alright.

Okay, how's everyone's knees? Everyone have enough knee space? You can get clots in your knees, okay? That's a big, Ethan? Yeah. You can get clots in your knees.

I'm going to switch to sit behind you because mom is so tall. What a tall woman and so successful.

What are you doing?

I can't believe you won a Tony and an Oscar.

Yeah, but that was a long time ago, honey. That was a long time ago, but you know what? Let's bring that up maybe a little bit later in the car ride because I probably will have a lot to say. Hey, check your pockets. Did you guys forget your phones? You don't have your phone on you.

There's a condom in each pocket.

Yeah, I gave you a couple bonuses. Mom, take your phones and put them in a lock box. We're gonna bond this family trip. We're gonna talk to each other.

Shanine, you sly fox, I love it.

Wait, is this for the same special person the second and third time? Or is this for three other, this is for three people total?

Ethan, what, do you not remember a damn thing we told you? It's only gonna be one person, one time. Sorry, sir.

Wow. No, I'm sorry, Sunny, I hate to correct you. We said one person, one night. He could get up to three times.

Okay. But I don't understand why he needs a separate condom.

Mom, it's okay. I'll pull out before I spill my juice. He can go three times, but he's only gonna juice once. Like you guys taught me, I'll pull out before I spill my juice. He doesn't know what he's doing.

Honey, we're having sex with different people.

I don't wanna hear it. Alright, alright, alright. This was not what your mother had in mind when she took our phones away. Janine, I love it. What do you want to do?

I love that we live right off 90 West. We're already on the highway. Mm-hmm.

Your old dad knows a shortcut.

So, I bet you're thinking, what? We're gonna be sitting in the car for all these hours with nothing to do?

Sorry, I had my headphones on. What were you saying, Mom?

Oh God, give it to me. How is that even plugged into? These are just, you just put them on? How disconnected for me do you want to be? That hurts my feelings. Sorry, ma'am. Grabbing these headphones. I am your mother, and I know that's just a little bit more exposition, but this is what I'm going to say. I bet you're going, what are we gonna, stare at the window? That sounds terrible. No, your mom brought

Stare at the window. I stare through the window, ma'am.

How? I usually stare right at the window and I go, well, it looks like it probably rained a little while ago because I see a little bit of a drop, a residue from a drop.

And I keep my hands at 10 and 2 and my eyes at forward view.

In the car that I built. Mechanics built cars? Sure you do. Well, thank you, honey. All right, here's what we're going to do. Mom brought A riddle book.

Oh, that sounds like fun.

It's the best way to pass some time. You can maybe start some conversations. What do you mean everyone loves riddles?

Everyone loves riddles. Nobody likes riddles. Well, I haven't thought about riddles in years, decades even, so I'm very excited and enthusiastic to do a riddle book.

Kids today don't do riddles.

They don't?

No.

But they're so fun. But they're so fun.

They like quizzes.

Quiznos? Okay, Ethan. I'll make you a deal. I'll make you a deal. We will stop at Quiznos one time on this trip. Good luck finding an open one. Well, I should say, we are leaving at the dead of night. So we're probably not going to find a 24-hour Quiznos, unless it's been previously stated that it's a different time of the day, and then that's what it is. Ethan, we will stop at a Quiznos somewhere the next 36 hours if you just be a little more enthusiastic about your mother's riddle book.

I can get a firehouse sub, whatever that is. We're not going to a Jersey Mike's. Oh, they make firehouse subs? What's a firehouse?

It's where the firefighters are. In between fires.

What's a hoagie?

About six dollars. All right, flork joke. That's a dad joke. No more dad jokes out of me.

Okay, no more dad jokes out of you. You're making that promise now. Holy smokes. Honey, don't worry. In 36 hours, you don't have to talk to me again. No Thanksgiving. I'll be out of your hair because you're... Where's the school you're going to?

UC Santa Cruz, go for those hugs.

I thought you were going to Santa Cruz at UC.

No, I couldn't get in.

But that makes no sense, does it? That's not a real thing.

No, it is. I just couldn't get in.

Oh, I'm sorry. Maybe I think you did get in, but I hid that letter.

I'll throw it away and I'll give it up. I just still wish you were going to Pepperdine.

Well, that's because you went to its sister college, iodine. Can I make dad jokes or just dad is excluded?

You can still make dad jokes. Dad just cannot. Here's our first riddle. I can't wait. Why are two little animals alone in a little boat in the middle of the ocean?

Kissing and love, using a condom for the first time, and then marrying to have one child? That's a really good guess, Ethan. I think that that's right. Oh, I saw the answer.

That's not it. That's not it. He's pulling your leg. Take a left up here.

On the highway? Yeah.

Oh, never mind, never mind. Sorry, I thought I remembered a shortcut here. We've been T-boned.

We've been T-boned. It's a concrete barricade. I can't take a left on the highway.

That concrete barricade looked like a shortcut I thought I knew, but I think I didn't remember it.

Trust me, your old dad knows every shortcut on the way out to California. I used to run with a bad group of boys and we would make this trip quite a few times a year.

Oh boy. Unbelievable that we got T-bones and our car did 360 right in the same direction and we're still going. No problems. Cause mom built this car so well.

Why are you saying the things we all know? Oh, cause I'm doing my little recording. I see. I see. Um, yeah, your father used to run with a totally different group of people. I know you think you know his friends, but the group he used to run with in his twenties, they would take scooters and they would go all the way across the country together. It's absolutely hilarious.

Wow. On scooters? On scooters. And then we would get to wherever we were going, find the tallest building, take the scooters in the elevator, and then throw them off the roof as hard as we could. As hard as you could? As hard as we could. Why was that part of it?

We would wind up and toss the scooters as far as we could get them. To throw something as hard as you can off a building seems only pertinent if you're trying to injure someone below.

Well, no, we were trying to get distance. We were trying to clear distance off the building. We were doing this as far as they could go. We were doing this at night. There weren't any people down there. I'm a knee surgeon. I took an oath. Do no harm.

Honey, tell them the headline the next day was in the newspaper, though, after you threw the scooters off the... Local idiot falls off building.

Now, I have some quibbles with that because... Jim wasn't local. We had driven cross country. He just looks like a lot of locals.

You know Jim.

Yeah, he busted his knees up. Dad had to run down there and fix him.

Yeah, but how do you, uh, uh, Ethan, you know Jim. That's, um, that's Ali's dad.

Oh yeah, I know Jim. And dad, before we get to Santa Cruz, which is a while, do you mind taking off your sweater? I don't want the kids at school to see you wearing a sweatshirt that says, do no harm, eat no parm.

Well, I can, but it's a zip up and the zipper's in the back, so we'll have to wait until we stop and then, yeah, if you were gonna lose the sweater.

Hey honey, what is he supposed to do if we stop in an Olive Garden, not wear that in?

Now I'm wearing it to an Olive Garden.

When a waiter takes your... And you do this, Dad. You do this every time we go to a restaurant. You don't need to tell the waiter what you don't want. All you have to do is tell them what you want. You go down through every menu item and you say, this looks bad, I don't want this. Don't even think about bringing me this. Just tell them what you do want.

Your generation has no etiquette. That's exactly what you're supposed to do. What I wouldn't want is a water. I do not want this salad, this appetizer, this appetizer. This looks terrible. You should take it off the menu, and then you eventually get to the thing that you want. And then you don't tip.

And you do not tip. Next thing you're going to tell me, Ethan, is that when the waiter drops by a second time, after your food's already been delivered and you've already started to eat a little bit, it asks, how was everything? You're not supposed to say, well, it's not my wife's ass, but I'll eat it.

That would be outrageous. I'm never going to stop doing that. It's a dad joke.

I think I'm just hungry for a drive through on this trip, please. Well, we're trying to make time, Ethan.

We're trying to make time.

Why are two little animals alone in a boat in the middle of the ocean?

I don't know, ma'am. Can I have a hint, ma'am?

Yeah, they're from a famous kind of story that you know.

I want to say it's gonna be a Noah story. Noah's Ark, and this is like the Noah's Ark's lifeboat.

Is it the old man in the tea? Or otherwise known as a sea cow?

Is it something like a unicorn and a dragon? Two things that don't exist anymore, but they should have existed.

Honey, that would be very funny if it was, but no. It's two animals that are still around.

Oh, is it from those books you made me read? Is it The Wind and The Willow? I think those are their names.

Okay. Are you at least at the point where you're not mad I made you read books? Now you're literate. You're welcome. Yes, ma'am.

I wish I had a dad that made me read Rothfuss. I wish I had a dad that made me read Rothfuss.

I appreciate you making me read Rothfuss, and I appreciate you making me read only Stephen King books that are under his fake pen names.

Yes, of course. What? Why would I have you read any of his real books? Too scary.

See the movies.

See the movies.

They're all movies under his real names.

They're all movies.

So these are Noah's Ark animals. Yes. On this lifeboat. I really want to start guessing some puns, but I said I wasn't going to do any more dad jokes.

There is no pun, it's not a pun answer, so you don't have to do that.

Oh, is it a unicorn and a horse because they're trying to make twins so they can get on?

No, but I like your brain.

Two animals in the middle of the ocean on a tiny boat?

Yeah, why would someone get kicked off the boat?

Are they the same animal?

Yes. They're a pair.

They're a pair. Skunks, pair of skunks.

Yes, you got it. I was gonna say. Pair of skunks. It's like the time when Ethan discovered Axe Body Spray, we made him sleep outside in a tent for two months. Remember that? When you were 13?

I thought you were supposed to... I thought it was one use. I thought you used the whole can.

Yeah, every day. And I was like, why are my CVS bills so expensive? What in the heck? And then I realized that you were using a whole can every time.

When your mother and I checked our monthly CVS bill, we said, what's going on? This is far too much money to spend at CVS monthly.

Do you have a typical family thing where you have a monthly CVS bill?

Mom, Dad, I fear that when I get to California things won't be the same as they are in our small town in Illinois. No, it won't be the same everywhere.

Such as CVS monthly bills. We're just your typical American family.

People are basically the same everywhere you go. They're good in their hearts and they're smart in their minds. And you have to be the bravest boy you can. Yes, sir. Okay, Ethan.

But I am good in my mind and smart in my heart. I'm one of those rare exceptions. I'm pretty extraordinary.

Ethan, did I ever tell you who you were named after? Well, you got drunk one night, and you stumbled into my room at 4am, and you said that I was maybe named after Ethan Hawke, maybe named after Ethan Coan, and then you smashed the bottle, started to cry, and tried to climb inside my aquarium.

First of all, my aquarium.

I bought that aquarium with my money.

Honey, that doesn't seem like the important part of that story.

To be fair, Mom got it for both of us from CBS.

And that story is mostly correct. You were named after Ethan Hawke and Ethan Hunt, and I always thought that it would be funny if Ethan Hawke played Ethan Hunt, but he aged out of that role, and Tom Cruise kept doing it.

We, when I was pregnant with you, the first time you kicked, we were watching an Ethan Hawke movie, which was... Mr. Impossible 2. That's Ethan Hunt.

I'm sorry. That's Ethan Hunt.

What was I, what? Before Sunrise? I gave birth in the theater for, yes, before Sunrise. We were like, I think you must have loved just the sort of natural conversation that Link later can tap into. Can you believe he did that and School of Rock?

I can.

What a talent.

So just for continuity Ethan. You had your first kick during Before Sunrise, and you were birthed in the theater for Mission Impossible 2. Look that up, tell us how close we were, but don't worry about it, Ethan.

That's the story. Wow, now I know the origin behind my full name. Ethan Hunt Hawk Flork.

Yeah, now you know it. I'm having fun. Everyone knows having fun.

I guess your grandfather was a hawk hunter. And his name was also Ethan, right? Yes, it was Ethan Hawkhunter. Changed to Ellis Island. We came late to Ellis Island, by the way.

Well, he went from Ellis Island and then he went to Rikers Island, right? Because he tried to kill Tony Hawk. And they said, you're a prison warden now.

We gotta have people start writing things down in our family. That's true. Because it's like, this kind of history can be lost. And what a beautiful history this is.

We only have maybe 60-65% of the history from court stenographers, but we really should write down the other 35%. It's true.

Well, I'm ashamed to say that as a false crime major, I will not be recording down any of this history or anything.

Honey, and I hate to be a mom who asks these kind of questions. I hate to be a dad. No, no, no! Oh, Ethan, you're just... Oh, I'm so sorry, honey. That's not what I meant at all. You didn't hear the end of my sentence. Oh. I hate to be a mom who asks you annoying questions. I love being your mom.

Okay, I love you, ma'am.

What kind of... That was weird. What kind of... What kind of job can you get with that kind of major?

Oh, is this the next Riddle?

No, I'm just asking.

Oh, okay. Well, I don't know if you know this mom and dad, but the generation before me made quite a killing in the podcasting market from true crime. Your my favorite murder, your serial, etc. True crime obsession is one that a friend of in my school loves. But my generation, we don't care for that. So what I thought to do is look to the future. And that's why I want to go into false crimes, which are crimes I just make up in my head and then podcast about, ma'am.

Okay, our son is an innovator. He's a genius.

I know.

If you guys want to get back on the same page, I can do another riddle. Here we go.

Please, yes.

This riddle book is frustrating for a couple reasons. Some of them are just historical facts, some of them are jokes, but you got to keep flipping back and forth. I'm going to get a hand cramp over here. Unbelievable.

Well, just make sure you're bending your knees while you're flipping back and forth. Hand cramps can be a serious thing, but not as bad as knee cramps. That could kill you.

All right, well, I know that your arrival at the hospital before you got sued was the hand surgeon. But that doesn't mean that hand injuries are not serious, honey. Knee injuries and hand injuries can both be serious.

First of all, let's not talk about Donald Faison, okay? Because I don't want his name mentioned in the car. He's the best hand surgeon in the world, but he's a fucking arrogant bastard.

Isn't he the topic of the TLC song?

I think so.

No scrubs? Uh-huh. Was that TLC? Yes, it was. Honey, you're right, facts are a prison. See? See? It's awful. Also, speaking of getting sued, we're already to Sioux Falls.

Oh, God. I hope she's okay.

Well, I hope she rolls because if she hits those knees when she's coming down, that could be a problem.

Alright, your next riddle. 100 feet up in the air, it lies with its back on the ground. What is that?

A scooter. A scooter my dad threw.

No.

Hell yeah. Was that the answer, Jeanine? No, it's not the answer. 100 feet in the air, it lies on its back in what, ma'am?

100 feet in the air, it lies with its back on the ground.

What is it? A building?

A giant?

No, that's a good guess though, honey.

Is this one of those Blue Angel military planes doing one of its drills? God, I'd love to watch them fly. You know how fast they're going? Mach 3!

Your father goes on a bender every time the air and water shows in town. I don't see him for days. It's actually a pretty nice break. It's good to have alone time as a couple. But God knows what you do during the air and water show.

Honestly, they call it the air and water show. I call it the air, water, fistfight, and police car show. But I have a good time every year. God, I'd love to watch those blue angels fly.

Some people choose Memorial Day weekend to party. Some people choose the 4th of July. For some people, it's New Year's Eve when they get to attend. My husband waits to the most random weekend of the year. Picks a thing that's meant for families and uses it as an excuse to blackout for four days. This is really hitting me funny.

Dad, speaking of, you haven't showed it to me since you got blackout drunk and got it during the last Erin Watershow. Can you show me that tattoo you got on your back that's a boat between two pieces of bread and it says Bloop Angels?

No, no, no. You're not tricking me to unzipping my sweater before we get to an Olive Garden. Nice try, Ethan. Not gonna work.

Did you... Now tell me the story again of what did you tell the tattoo artist you wanted?

He said that he wanted a picture of our dog. And that's what he got. Can you believe it?

Well, when you get drunk, inside of Blue Angels, you do say Bloop Angels.

I do say Bloop Angels. But no, I did say I want a picture of your dog. And famously, our dog is named You Pick. God, oh, did we leave you picking up food? We must have, we must have. Plus Nancy from down the street. Hold on, I call your sister Nancy from down the street.

I wish you'd call her my sister.

After what she did, she's gonna be, she's on Nancy down the street duty for a couple of years. Unbelievable what she did. Did I tell you what she did, Ethan? No, no sir. She dressed up like your mother and tried to give me a couple of handshops. A couple? So that means she got away with the first two? Tried. First one I said, ah no thank you, I don't want one.

What lies, 100 feet in the air, what lies on its back with its feet on the ground?

You didn't need to talk through that new information at all Ethan, I'm proud of you.

100 feet in the air, 100 feet in the air, lies on its back.

Yeah, Nancy's with you pick though, don't worry. She's gonna check it on him like once a day. He's got enough food, she's gonna take him outside.

Very good, very good. Can we hear the full riddle again, ma'am?

Yes, 100 feet up in the air, it lies with its back on the ground.

What is it? Is it a hill or a mountain? Oh.

No.

It lies with its back on it. Is this some sort of building? Like a skyscraper?

A bridge? This Riddle's trying to be funny.

Ooh, a bridge. Oh, it's back. Oh, it's back on the ground.

Sex. No, this Riddle is trying to be what I was when I was in my early 30s. I was trying to be funny. Remember when I tried stand up?

Oh, yeah, and you became a millionaire. Yep. From failing.

Uh-huh, and then I went to Tony and Oscar.

Mm-hmm. And you dated Anthony and Oscar off and on until you met dad, right?

Anthony Jeselnik and Oscar De La Hoya. She did. She did.

Oh my God. Oh my God.

Good guys. Wish him the best, but guess what? The better man won. Suck on that, Jesalek! I could have been Ethan Delahoya.

Aw, man.

Why is that the funniest convolution of people?

Okay. Honey, I'm gonna need a hint. Is it lie, like, to tell a mistruth?

Is it a back, like, something other than a back?

No, it's just supposed to be funny.

A hundred feet? Or is it like the world's biggest, the world's laziest giant? What else has a back? The world's thickest giant? Is it the world's thickest giant, Mom?

No.

Mommy, is it the world's thickest giant?

You're acting weird, so I'm just gonna tell you the answer.

Just tell us the answer.

A dead centipede.

A hundred feet in the air. I get it. A hundred feet in the air. Okay, look at this. This next exit, 52. There's a Jersey Mike's.

Blow right by it. Blow right by it.

No, we're pulling off. We're going to get you a Jersey Mike's. We're going to get you a sub.

We're making good time. When Ethan Hawke went to high school in New Jersey, he would eat at, well, they just call it Mike's there. He would eat at Mike's every day. And he had it Mike's way.

He had it Mike's way.

I'm going to pause it right here in case there's any chance of there ever being ads in this, just in case. Take a little break. Honey, is there anything that doesn't have salt at Jersey Mike's? Because I'm allergic to salt.

We could get you some napkins.

Excellent, that's exactly what I'm craving. Alright, we'll be right back.

Can't wait to get a sub from a fireman.

Wow, well those are some great subs. And they sure domed your dad, didn't they, champ?

Dad, I'm telling you, that's so 2018.

Well, okay, I said no dad jokes in the car, but I can do them outside of the car. Now it's all hot back in and hit the road.

Oof, my stomach hurts. I had like 60 or 70 napkins and I am in pain.

Your mother can put the shit away, son.

Also, I feel very dry. I feel very dry. My mouth is dry. Feels like the napkins are sucking up all the moisture from my body.

Okay, let's wait to turn me on until we get to the hotel tonight.

Your father loves dryness. Dry rooms, dry peep, dry sense of humor, dry drinks.

Favorite barbecue, dry rub.

Favorite celebrities. Favorite celebrity, Ben Stein.

Yes. Favorite Mario character, dry bones. Favorite actor from the movie, what about Bob? Bill Murray. Don't care for Richard Dreyfus.

Favorite appliance? A dryer? Richard Dreyfus? That was right there.

Don't care for Richard Dreyfus. Stop saying Dreyfus.

All right. I am buckled in. My son, I'm turning around. I see that he is buckled in. My husband has a seatbelt on and we are ready to go. Beep, beep.

Okay, here we go.

Take a left here.

Okay left, actually this is a left, it's a left on the on ramp and we are back on the highway. We're making a great time.

Hey mom and dad. What's up? I learned something the other day which was I was researching UC Santa Cruz, go banana slugs, and I found out what a banana slug is. A banana slug is a slimy yellow mollusk that slides across the ground leaving an oily residue wherever it goes. Sounds like Richard Dreyfuss to me. I can't wait to get to Santa Cruz and go to the Wharf and Monterey Bay and the 1911 Louvre Carousel. Also, don't forget the giant dipper roller coaster and there's downtown and Pacific Avenue.

Well, don't have too much fun, champ. You're also going to be hitting the books pretty hard. Yes, sir.

But then after you hit books to get some stress out, start reading them, okay?

Speaking of hitting the books, honey, I gotta hear another riddle.

That's really sweet. You're very supportive. Oh my God. And honey, if you need to emotionally talk through the moving away, you're moving away from your family and your friends, you can be far away. I know how much you love living in Illinois. And if you need to talk about how California is going to be able to change. This has nothing to do with a 30 year old woman processing her feelings.

Nothing to do.

This has everything to do with you, the character. Real human boy, Ethan.

And Ethan, remember, if you don't want to talk to your mom and I, because I understand it can be weird to talk to your parents. I can do my therapist voice and you can call up doctor, I mean, you can forget the first part. You can just call up your therapist, who's a separate person.

Yeah, you could just call up your therapist to the second person. We won't listen. So that's an option for maybe later. But for now, a riddle. And this one is sort of just a historical fact.

Okay. Ethan, you should be getting this.

Why did Alexander the Great order all of his men to shave?

Why did Alexander the Great order all of his men to shave?

Because double is trouble. And the army.

Is that it?

Did he do that thing where he got on a horse and then rode down the line slapping everybody in the face? Because that'll hurt your hand if everybody's got a beard. That is hilarious. God, I've always wanted to do that. I've always wanted to do that.

Is it hard? I mean, I mean, you can maybe give Ethan advice. You can't really grow a beard, at least not a full one. You got just a little bit of it.

I can just grow the corners.

Ethan, can you just grow the corners? And I can only do a Fu Manchu.

My mustache looks like parentheses. Mm-hmm, it does. I'm sorry, Ethan.

But you know what? I shouldn't have yelled at that wizard like I did. And you got a little bit of it just by being next to me.

Daddy, tell me why you yelled at the wizard again.

Because I was like, no way are these cantaloupes worth three dollars. He was a farmer?

Who knew? You know what would have made more sense, is if Ethan wasn't alive yet, and just because he was part of your body, that's how you pass the curse. But really, some of it just ricocheted when he was sort of a preteen.

I can't believe my facial hair is due to a wizard in overalls.

Speaking of a wizard in overalls, you should see your mom at the auto body shop.

Oh my god, that's so supportive. My husband, my god, alright.

Because it's more like coveralls. I've been supportive too.

Your support seems performative.

Okay, what is this one? Why would the most brilliant mom in the world ever say that to me?

Alexander the Great made all of his men shave their beards. Is that correct? We have to know why.

Yeah, just sort of a fact. So you kind of just have to guess.

So it's not even something funny, it's just a true fact?

Yeah. Well, I mean, I laughed at the answer when I saw it.

Okay, so was it because he wanted to allow women in his army and he didn't want to make his women glue fake beards onto their faces? So he was like, look, now everybody shaves. So nobody has to glue fake beards on every day.

No, but that can be my next script. I want an Oscar for writing historical fiction.

We got to get you to EGOT, baby. We got to get you to EGOT.

You won an actual Oscar?

Yeah, of course.

Oh my god, I thought you just won over Anthony Jeselknek and Oscar De La Hoya.

You know, but can't I do both?

Yes you can mom, and I'm not surprised at all.

You're so smart. Ethan, your mother and I, we led full lives before you were born, okay? We had full lives, and now that we're in our late 80s, we can appreciate our time with you.

Now that we're in our late 80s.

Yes dad, it's like you always say, and you finished the second part. Full.

Clear hearts. It's like I always say, you finish the second part. Dry mouths. Just like I said back at Jersey Bikes. Dry mouths, full lives. I love my damn wives.

Yeah honey, if you have any questions, I lived a full life. So I won a Tony Award for my one-woman show, well first stand-up comedy in my early thirties. They gave me a one-woman show called Lady Mechanic. It was very amazing. I won a Tony for it and then I got a movie writing deal. I wrote some historical fiction. I won an Oscar and then I went back to being a mechanic, got crushed by a car. Your father fixed my knees and bam, 14 months later you were born. And it's crazy that... I'm just adding a little bit of buffer time in case those movies were a little further apart.

And it's crazy that in between those stints, you also played bass in Mike and the Mechanics.

Uh-huh. I'm amazing.

The Genesis spinoff.

I'm amazing.

Anyways... You're amazing. You're incredible.

What's the answer to this, Riddle?

And one time I met Chris Bridges, or as you might know him, Ludacris. He was having knee surgery.

Oh wow.

Not with you though.

Not with me. Not with you. All the doctors got to meet him though. We were so excited. All right. Alexander the Great made everybody shave it.

Did you ever have a nurse ask you for your autograph?

That's making it. Did Alexander have them shave their beards so that they didn't get mites in their beards and slow them down?

That's a good question. No. One more guess.

Was it a hygiene thing? Because I think that that's probably on the right track.

Nobody was like a function thing.

Was it so their faces didn't warm up?

No, I'm going to tell you, because why would anyone know this? But it is funny. Beard and men could be grabbed by the beard in close combat.

Oh.

Hair pulling. These historical figures resorted to hair pulling. Unbelievable.

Did they only fight 14-year-olds in cafeterias?

Yeah, they added an R to the word cafeteriors at the end.

You know I have a problem. I always have an extra R. Yeah, you have a gambling problem. You have a gambling problem.

It's okay, we're gonna work through it.

Always bet on R.

Here's your next riddle. Is everyone good? Yes please.

How's everybody's knees?

Good. My knees are good. I love you so much. Thank you for asking. I'm getting alert on my phone.

Hold on one second.

Getting an alert.

Uh oh.

Oh my gosh. Our alarm went off in our garage. Someone's trying to take the lawn mower. You were so right. Honey, I thought that was stupid that you assumed someone was going to try to take our lawn mower from 93.

Good luck trying to find the lawn mower in the garage. It's in the shed, stupid criminals. And the garage, it's just bear traps and honey pots.

Alright, well I hope I don't get another alert on my phone. I hope that just works itself out. I'm not going to call 911. And somebody else's. You know what, I'll text Nancy from down the street.

My sister. Thank you. Thank you.

Well Nancy from down the street. Alright, next Riddle.

Make sure you stay on top of those alerts because we don't have our phones.

Oh right, I'm the only one.

And I shouldn't be texting and driving anyway.

I love my husband. Here we go. This one's called Happy and Sad, which is how I'm going to feel watching you go up to school.

I'm not crying. This is not me crying. I'm not crying.

You're crying. That's her crying. I'm not crying. That's how she cries. She cries like how Batman speaks.

No.

No, don't do this.

This is not how I cry. No. Look, I'm smiling.

Oh, the whole family does it. Everyone get another fun. The whole family cries like Batman speaks.

Ethan, when I see you cry, I start to cry. Ethan, don't cry.

I won't cry, Mother.

It's okay. I'll be strong for the whole family.

Oh no, everyone's crying.

Everyone's crying. I won't be the student they want. I'll be the student they need.

Oh my God, I'm so proud of you.

I'll be the student they need. My dad is a knee surgeon. I'm crying. I'm crying.

All right, okay.

Oh, that was a good cry. All right, happy instead.

That was a good cry. Let's get back to the riddle.

Three women stand together, each one wearing a swimsuit. Oh, one punch buggy, no punch back.

Ooh.

Oh, I got him.

I wasn't looking. Right in the tattoo. Man, I can't wait till we get to that hotel a little later today.

Oh, and my legs are dry.

Okay.

I haven't moisturized my legs in a while, honey.

Don't worry. I know a knee surgeon who knows how to make them wet.

I feel like if I was playing the bat, I'd be in trouble for all this.

You're just a better guy. He can get away with more disgusting chaos.

It's like in the army. I got court-martialed and all of my friends got shot. We all did the same treason. Have I ever told you that story? We all did the same treason.

Yes, Dad told me they got shot for being deserters. They ate their meal and then they snuck back into the canteen to eat pie and cake. Uh-huh. Deserters. They shouldn't have done it. And I sold state secrets. Right before they deserted, they all had dishonorable discharges, which is when you masturbate when you're watching something you shouldn't. Mm-hmm.

Like what?

Like an Anthony Jesel-like special. Like Planet Earth? You shouldn't be watching that regardless.

How many people do you think have finished Planet Earth?

I have, ma'am, but I work on them.

Good boy. Okay, so, oh my gosh, honey, do you think that because you did a stint in the Air Force, that's why you do a bender around the Erin Water Show? It's all coming together for me.

Hey, if I want to examine it, I'll call my son's therapist, who is me, so... Dad, you do a bender?

I've only heard you do fry. Can I hear bender?

Oh, okay, yeah, I mean, I'll give it a shot.

Now do the Jamaican doctor.

That's a trap.

Happy and sad. Three women stand together, each one wearing a swimsuit. Two women are sad and one is happy. Both the sad women are smiling. And the happy one is crying. Why? This is my least favorite riddle I ever have read, so I had to share it.

Okay. Was the sad woman you the whole time?

Excuse me, I have to talk to my son's therapist about this, who's really my husband.

They're all wearing swimsuits.

Uh-huh.

Okay. Now, is this some sort of themed wedding? Like a swimsuit wedding?

Like how we had? Oh, it's so romantic! Honey, we had a swimsuit wedding. Did you ever see the pictures?

Yes, ma'am.

It was Sioux Falls in January.

It was Sioux Falls in January. We had a swimsuit wedding and it said swimsuit is not optional. I wore one that was white. I felt like a bride.

And Dad was wearing trunks, but he was on speed though.

Oh yes.

So we have told you.

It was the same weekend as the Sioux Falls Air and Water Show, so I was I was fucked up completely out of my mind.

Okay. Man was a one-woman set because the other two women were wearing one-piece bathing suits that were like fully covering and the third woman was wearing a one-piece bathing suit that was just a top. What? Does it have something to do with one piece and two piece bathing suits?

No. Okay, so one woman is happy but crying because she doesn't have bikini bottoms on and the other two are sad because their cooners aren't showing? Excuse me, you're logic is not sound.

You have a lot to learn about women in college, young man. I learned it from watching you, mom.

You have a lot to learn about people in college, my god.

Janine, is this a sunburn issue?

I know. This is not a sunburn issue. I love that kind of guess, though.

Okay, okay.

Remember when I got a sunburn so bad that the fire department came?

I remember that. I don't understand why they had to take you out to dinner.

They thank you for subs, probably, right? Probably. You said they used their hoses on you? Respectfully? Respectfully.

Yes, that's right.

That's right.

Can we have a hint? Can we have a hint?

Um, yeah. It's, uh, it's probably, they were probably on the TV.

They were on the TV. Um, they were on the TV. Oh, they just won Miss America.

Ding, ding, ding. You got it. They are finalists in a beauty contest.

Which I don't agree with, ma'am.

Oh my god, Ethan.

I ripped up all those cards in my Monopoly game.

I know. How's this customary? And now we can't play Monopoly normal, Ethan.

First of all, your Monopoly game? No. Wrong. You've never bought anything in your damn life, Ethan.

Yeah, we bought it with Mom's money, cause she's rich.

I shouldn't have to go straight to jail for taking a chance. That seems like an outdated mindset, so I tore up those cards.

And then I'm glad that we just dropped you off at the local jail to cool off after that game of Monopoly. I think you learned a thing or two that night.

Also, third place in a beauty contest? Mom, Dad, if you even enter a beauty contest, you've already won first place.

Well, okay, that's a little bit mean, because you know what happened to me? No. I tried to co- Oh my God, no, I'm gonna cry again. No, I'm crying. I tried to qualify to be Miss Illinois, okay? But the final question is why does the bean matter? Okay? They said Chicago is known for the bean. Why does that exist? Why does it matter? And I froze. And I froze and I thought maybe they'll think that's funny if I freeze and I pretend to be the bean. No, it didn't work. They didn't get that me freezing was me pretending to be the bean. I blew it. I blew it and I didn't get to do it.

And after you blew it and you didn't win the money, that's when we had to halt construction on that hotel on Baltic Avenue, right? Because we couldn't afford it?

Yes. It's okay. I've won an Oscar. I've won my... I've won stuff.

I've won stuff. Your mother has had quite a life, champ.

Quite a life. Did you know that Oscar De La Hoya was known as Oscar De La and then he went to school at Georgetown? And you don't have your phone on you?

He's trapped in these facts. He's trapped in these facts.

Our kid is whip smart.

Whip smart and facts, no social skills. But he'll learn, right honey? Honk honk.

And I hope, oh don't reach over and grab the whole, that's, that's not something, that's not fun.

Oh the people in front of us think we're mad now. Oh honey you're gonna have to get into a fight.

Okay, okay let me pull over. Give me one, okay they're pulling over. Okay it's four guys. Just give me a second.

We'll just hear the audio.

You got them dad. Hey.

Hey, is there a problem? Hey motherfucker, are you trying to cause problems with that woman in there? Look, the only problem that I see is that you four motherfuckers are dead.

Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap!

Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap!

Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap!

Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap!

Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap!

Snap! Snap!

Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap!

I was the quadruplet, I was the triplet, I was the twin, and this didn't make any sense. We'd just be quadruplets. You wouldn't call us twins or triplets, but now you don't have any, cause we're dying.

Hold on, hold on. Fix the knees. Well also, I was some horses.

Fix the knees.

Fix the knees, fix the knees, fix the knees, fix the knees. There you go. Now you boys are back, and I hope you stay a little more respectful next time someone accidentally hugs on you and doesn't apologize.

Wow, now I'm six-five! I learned to lesson in, I'm taller!

All of the days work.

Thank you, sir.

Okay, seat belts. Everybody check your knees. Everybody in the car check your knees.

Dad's back in the car. Knees are good. Knees are good, Dad.

Then let's hear another Riddle.

We talked about something in here while you were gone.

Who cares? We were trying to guess the... You'd probably know this, Dad. We were trying to guess the origin of the phrase, the bee's knees. Huh.

Alright, let's hear another Riddle.

Alright, the teacher gave Ben and Jerry a written test. Ben read the test, then folded his arms and answered none of the questions. Jerry carefully wrote out good answers to the questions. When the time was up, Ben handed in a blank sheet of paper while Jerry handed in his work. The teacher gave Ben an A and Jerry a C. Why?

Well, if I was a multi-multi-multi-millionaire living in Vermont with my own business, I wouldn't answer questions either. That's the answer!

Why would you need to? No, I'm looking for a slightly different answer.

So the guy who didn't fill out jack shit got an A and the guy that filled out his whole paper got a C. Is that correct? Am I understanding that correctly?

You're understanding it.

Is the answer something to do with wordplay?

No.

Is the answer something about how the school was too hot because there was an AC?

No, that's funny though.

Okay. Well, it's, but I was guessing it wasn't a dad joke.

Did you know that AC Slater is short for air conditioning Slater?

Got him.

Web smart this kid. Web smart.

All right. All right. So, did the kid who turned in his paper blank not put his name on it?

Slow down a little. Slow down. Slow down.

Okay. Ooh. Good. Good eye. Good eye. There's a biker gang here. They run this part of the highway.

Good job. It's the purgatory's angels.

They look always like just a little bit lost. They're so apathetic. So apathetic.

They are barely moving on the highway. That's why we had to slow down past them. Is the answer that the kid who didn't write anything on his paper, he didn't put his name on it so the teacher didn't know whose test it was and had to give him an A?

That's a really good and funny guess, but no. It has to do with the last question.

Dang. I was going to say that's how your dad got through medical school. What's the last question?

What? I didn't even know that. I learned something new about you all the time because you're full of surprises.

I tried to be. I cheated, begged, stolen, borrowed every day in medical school and I scraped by by the skin of my teeth.

Now son, isn't that inspiring? Be like your dad. Cheat your way through medical school and then get fired for malpractice.

Well I'm also like that in that the farmer wizard also cursed me to have skin growing over my teeth. It makes eating so painful.

So painful. It's like getting pinched. I wasn't just fired as a doctor, by the way. They also disbarred me as well. So if I ever choose to be a lawyer, can't do it.

Wow.

Yeah.

Fun fact, that's a fun fact.

I got the full Monty.

Can we get a hint? Yeah, it has to do with the last question on the test.

Did you say that there was a last question on the test?

No, I'm just, that's my hint. It has to do with the last question on the test.

So the last question caused him to leave his entire page blank.

Yes.

What's the last question?

Like Happy Spring Break, you deserve it. Get out there, kiddo.

Question mark.

A. A tree. B. No. That's not how, that's not how.

Okay. Ah. Was it, can you draw a polar bear in a snowstorm? That old thing?

That's funny. It's not anything about like, uh, drawing something.

Okay. Can we get another hint besides the last question? Was it something like, tell me all your thoughts on God? I'd really like to meet him.

I'd really like to meet her. You walked road into that trap.

The one moment where you don't have performative elk doesn't matter. I love my son.

So I guess a good hint would be I would be really happy if I read the last answer first.

Does any of this even matter? Education is a lie. Do you want to take this test? Memorizing stuff and regurgitating it back is not an education. You need to think and learn on yourself. Leave this blank.

Sort of feels like we're wasting all of my mechanic money. That's sort of the attitude we're going into. But yeah, sort of the final instruction in the test was to ignore all the previous questions.

That's not a question though.

It's saying, can you, are you brave enough to ignore all the previous questions and get an A? That's what it said.

But you said it was a question.

That's what they said.

Ignore all the previous questions is not a question.

We're here.

We're here. Oh, I'm sorry. I drove us to Pepperdine. Honest mistake. Here, take a left, take a right. We're here.

Honey, we're here.

You see Santa Slugga.

Alright, so do you want us to go in and decorate your room?

Or... You can go to the curb or... Well, I know if you came inside to help decorate, you'd just end up fucking...

Yeah.

Sure.

You can't trust me to come inside. Why'd you look at mom? Why? How can you keep your eyes off of her? I may be in my late 80s, but I'm not dead.

So you're just gonna, okay, no, you can just go in with that.

We'll just drop you off.

I love you too. Because I'd asked you to come in, I'm sure there's all kinds of events and mixers and meet and greet stuff, but since I'm two days late on campus, I think I should probably just... You probably missed most of them, huh? I should probably just get to class. I love you both.

Hey, hey, come here, come here, come here, come here. Hey, it's okay to be homesick, and I know that you really love Illinois, but if you can fall in love with one place, you can fall in love with another place, and I think I really love you here, and I think you're really brave.

Yes, ma'am, thank you.

Hey, come here, come here, Chip. What? What do you want? What is it? What's my computer password? I realize I'm not going to be able to ask you anymore.

Do you really want to know your computer password? When you created it, you wrote it down on my forehead, told me to go back to bed, and said never repeat it. You were drunk.

Oh, you're right. It's Erin Watershow69. Thank you.

Okay, I got it.

Thanks buddy. And here's your phone back.

But don't forget it's Erin spelled like E-R-I-N. Erin Watershow. Like a first and last name.

I would like a t-shirt that says that on the... Erin Watershow? We can do that. Here's your phone. Call, use it to call us. We love you. We're so proud of you. You're so good.

Thank you mom and dad. I love you.

Oh my god. We forgot your sister at home. Oh my god.

I have a sister?

We're not going back for Jupiter.

Bye forever, Mom and Dad.

Have already parented the music. Logo created by Emily Artemus and Emily Nemours.

Next thing you're telling me, Ethan, is that when the waiter drops by on the second time after your food's always been delivered and you've started to eat a little and says, and starts to say, I'm going to take this only again, it's not worth it. It is. Next thing you're going to tell me, Ethan, is that when the waiter drops by a second time, after your food's already been delivered and you've already started to eat a little bit, it asks, how was everything? You're not supposed to say, well, it's not my wife's ass, but I'll eat it. Hey there, boxes and lines. If you liked that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. It's the return to our bracket challenge. You can listen to that plus all our previous episodes at patreon.com slash heyriddleriddle by joining the Clue Crew for $5 a month or the Review Crew for $8 a month. See you there.

That was a Headgum podcast.