Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

I'm on the beach and I'm a little crab. I'm sitting in the sand and I miss my dad.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

I'm all in the ocean.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. What? We waited for 10 minutes to start recording. Well Adal said let me think of a thing, let me think of a thing, let me think of a thing. And that's what we waited for? We waited for I'm a little crab and I'm sitting on the beach? I told you I have a process. Adal, I love it. That's one of the best openings we've ever done. I love it. Please, Erin, let's get into it.

I'm in the ocean and I've got a little notion that I'm a cute fish and I'm about to dish.

I'm in the water and I feel a little hotter because the temperature is rising and I'm going smiling.

I'm a kid on the beach and I can't reach the little crab by my toe. Oh no!

I'm a whale in the ocean and I've got a little notion that I might swim ashore. Just not to be a bore.

In my bucket, I got sand in my bottom. And if you ask me, I have voted for Hillary Rodham in 2016. Not my president.

I'm an umbrella and you're a cute fella so I'll keep you in the shade so you will have it made.

I'm a big shark and I... I'm a shark.

I'm an ice cold beer, and do not fear if you're feeling parched. Let's throw some darts.

Oh, I'm a sunburn, and you've got to learn to protect yourself. And don't leave the aloe. Oh no, you grab the aloe from the shelf.

I'm a dad on vacation, and boy, I know my station. It's pleasing my wife, so there is no strife. And I'm JPC. I'm Adal Rifai.

And I'm Erin Keif. Are you sure we shouldn't do that the whole time? I'm sure you out of 10.

And I'm Erin Keif.

And I'm in the coral reef.

I saw a little eel and it got my heel. I'm Erin Keif. No, I can't do it. I'm in.

I'm Erin Keif. That's perfect. No, that actually is a really good impression. It's sing-songy. It also sounds like you might cry at any second. You're making people nervous.

I love it. The emotional waver of Erin's voice is so hard to capture.

And you're listening to Hey Riddle Riddle. This is, believe it or not, an improvised podcast.

No.

None of this is written. None of this is written. None of this is talked about or planned beforehand. We're an improvised podcast where we solve riddles and we do little improv scenes along the way. And if this is your first time listening, try a different episode. Don't give up. Skip back. We have some good ones.

Yeah, don't give up. Skip back and I go to like a fucking weird one where we're talking about Blue Man Group giving each other blow jobs and they're like, you told us to go back. We listened and it's worse.

We had some audio mixing issues and some of the first ones. So maybe not those. There has to be some good ones that we can point towards.

The middle ones, we had that crazy feud. It was sort of like a Joan Crawford, Bette Davis type feud. None of us would look at each other where you're poisoning each other's food. So don't skip those.

There's one pretty early on, maybe 17, where you really can't hear Erin. We were recording in a studio that was not our studio, and we just didn't have an episode.

That's not what happened. Don't lie on International Women's Day. You both pelled the plug the entire time for my microphone and went, ah, ah, ah.

No, no, no, no. We boxed Erin out and we boxed her like 15 feet from the mic and she had to just shout.

And I was still the funniest one in that episode. Boom.

I think our best episodes go, you're going to want to search your podcast system for off-book. That's what we used to go by. So check out off-book. Those are probably our best episodes, but they still start with four second little songs about the beach. Yes.

How's everybody doing? I'm doing great. It's a little hot in here and by that I mean I'm dying so I might shut off my video and take off a layer.

Well, Erin, I would say that pretty much any room that you're in is going to be a little hot.

And we should say that Erin is wearing a seven layer dip.

Let's see, it's got that black bean has to be hot.

Erin, it is the day that we're recording it and two days, nope, that's not true. I think we're a week out at this point, but on the day that we are recording this, it's International Women's Day. So I have to ask you, how can we worship you, my queen?

That's enough. That was funny and I'm happy now. Thank you.

Just to celebrate women, do you mind putting your feet up to the microphone?

That is so funny. So our dancers can hear your feet? No, no. This is how they sound. Hi, I'm Erin's feet. I enjoyed the rhymes that she made, but I think she could have done a little bit better. Those are my feet. Wow, judgmental. How are you guys?

Good.

Good.

Okay, cool.

Yeah, I'm good. I took this week off and by that, I mean, I don't do anything. I just like, I Twitch stream. I Twitch stream, but I occasionally do like podcast recordings. But I basically cleared my calendar for a week just to like work on some side projects and do like I'm Oh my God. But you know what? That's how I worship her, my queen. And this is, it's, yeah, so I feel good. I feel, it's very rare that I haven't played video games for four hours in a day. So now, you know, I feel very different, but I feel good.

Yeah. Has your personality changed now that you haven't played video games for a couple of days?

I would say that I'm still hard to be around. Still pretty insufferable.

I'm not sure that's a direct correlation. I think that you're maybe just insufferable and people who play video games can be nice.

Erin, that's an interesting point for such an annoying shit. Hey Riddle.

Hey Riddle. Come here, fries, you little cocksucker, you motherfucking shithead. Like, the vulgarity of that show, I think 150 times an episode they say the most awful, despicable words. So now I'm just like walking around the house being, uh, elsewhere-inging to my cats, which is very fun.

They're gonna say something. They're gonna start talking and go like, you know what? Fine. He's gonna know that we talk.

Listen to me, fries, you cocksucker motherfucker. Al Swearingen, what a great bad guy. I guess he's the bad guy in that, right? Oh, absolutely. Yeah.

Oh, that's a good question. Do you guys have a favorite bad guy in anything?

Well, I was trying to remember with Deadwood, I was like, is there a good guy? I guess Timothy Oilfunt is kind of a good guy, but Deadwood is just like all bad guys.

It's basically, Deadwood is very much like the wire where it's all gray. Like there's no black and white, it's all gray. Same with, I guess, with Game of Thrones. Like there's no real, you know, moral, high ground. Same with life. Hey Riddle.

I'll say one of my favorite bad guys of all time is Iago from Othello. I think he's a great bad guy. My only qualm with Iago is at the very end of the play. He gives it up and he's like, I'll say no more. And I'm like, I would burn it all down. I would be like, fucking kill me, fucking kill me, kill me Othello.

And then he goes, I'm going to go be a parrot.

Yeah, it is weird to hear that Gilbert Godfrey doing Shakespeare is pretty unbearable.

I would watch an entire show. My kingdom for a horse.

Yeah, I almost did it and I was like, wait a second, he just said it would be unbearable.

I would watch him do Richard III.

I also love Scar. Scar, classic bad guy.

Scar is great. Anton Suga is pretty great. Oh yeah, that haircut. What a haircut.

A great, a great haircut. I thought that should have swept the nation.

I guess it kind of did because it does look like a broom.

Yeah. Christoph Waltz in Inglourious Basterds pretty good.

Oh yeah.

Alan Rickman Die Hard. Hans Gruber. John Lovett's A League of Their Own.

Oh, wait, who am I thinking of?

You can't play baseball.

You're a woman. I'm forgetting his name because my brain is in pain. He passed away recently. He played human Capote.

Oh, that's Philip Seymour Hoffman.

Philip Seymour Hoffman in Mission Impossible.

Oh, yeah. So good.

He's such a good villain.

Philip Seymour Hoffman's a good guy, yeah.

He's great at everything, but he was so good at that.

Master and Commander, he's pretty good.

You know what? You gotta watch these villains. They're the ones that you love to hate, and they make the movies better. So if you're watching movies for the protagonist, I got news for you. It's called an antagonist, and it's something that you might want to keep your eyes out for.

Oh, I also think Regina George is a great villain.

Oh yeah.

What a good villain. What a good villain.

Josh Brolin is Thanos. He had a point.

Who?

Josh Brolin.

The one who snapped, remember?

There should be a reality show with Thanos just called snapped.

Adal, I'm glad you're left to your own devices. JPC, I'm glad that you are seeing the world for the first time and getting a coat fix.

It was also a spoiler alert, 60 degrees in Chicago today, which is unheard of for March. It's a false spring, but I'll take it.

I went for a walk. I got a donut. And then I walked home. Because my dog is sick. It needs to be taken out every hour and 15 minutes.

One of the things that I did errand-wise today is the horn in my car broke last year during the Black Lives Matter protests. I was just like laying on my horn during one of those car caravans. And then I just went and stopped. Hey Riddle. Why did I bring it in? But the thing with a mechanic is I looked up how to fix this horn on my own. It took two pieces of electronic equipment that I don't have and I just can't do it. So I'm at the mercy of a mechanic. So what I said to the man after I waited for nine hours and he didn't fix my car was, okay, I'll bring you back tomorrow.

Yes, sir. I will, if it's not too late, I will personally fund a novelty horn.

Yes, I was just about to say I said Adal, what are we paying him to do?

Yeah, if you want to get La Cucaracha, if you want to get it.

Where would I, where do I go? Do I go to this mechanic and be like, hey, by the way, can you get me Lowrider by war? Is that possible?

No, no, I want you to get you Raised Me Up by Josh Groban or nothing else. Honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk

Josh Groban, talk about a Thanos snap.

That means nothing.

It means absolutely nothing. Hey, speaking of things that mean almost less than nothing, we got to do Riddles on this show because this is a Riddles Adjacent podcast.

This is a podcast about what's the funniest honk. I'm honking on sunshine honk and don't honk honk.

His honk has lyrics and then some words say honk.

I love it. I don't know what they want from me is like the more honk honk.

You guys don't know what novelty horns are.

I'm convinced that Adal does not know what a novelty horn is. Please send us your funniest songs. I'll say this. I will not get enough of the horn unless it is my honk will go on sung by Erin Keif put into a horn in my car.

And I don't look up the lyrics before I record it.

The lyrics to my honk will go on? I got news for you, Erin. You can't find it. They don't exist.

Somebody honk me that you had a honk honk.

No, this is the episode, please.

No, people will hate it. We cannot do that. It's International Honk Day.

You know how people, there's that saying of like, be the good you want to see in the world? This show is the opposite of that. We go, what's my worst nightmare when I'm old man puzzles? And then we all do that thing.

I also responded to a bunch of emails like yesterday or a couple days ago and there were so many nice emails from people like saying like, hey, this has been a hard year. The show means so much to me. It's so great that I found this. And I think about that all the time while we do, my honk will go on because I'm like, we are betraying. We are betraying these people. We are betraying what we committed to.

Betraying or actively hurting them?

I'll sometimes take a peek at the emails but I saw the same emails and it was like hey it's been a hard year this has been a hard podcast to listen to please please stop. Please stop.

Go back into whatever hole you guys crawled out of enough already.

We didn't honk honk honk honk. It was always honking since the world was honking.

So we're gonna do some listener submitted emails today and this first one is from and I love this name this is from Lime. So Lime said, hey, my name is Lime. Love it. And I just started listening to your podcast. Well, this was September of 2018, so I hope you stuck with it Lime. And wanted to submit the first lateral thinking puzzle I ever solved. I think it's a lot of fun and I give it to my friends sometimes. I do not remember the original clues that came with it, so I made some up. I am sorry. I love an email. I love a riddle submission that ends with I am sorry. Okay. Here is Lime's riddle. A man and his wife are dead. If the man had just one quarter, his wife would have lived. If he had two quarters, he would have lived. If he had three quarters, both the man and his wife would have lived. But his brother would have died.

Why? The man and his wife had gumball deficiency disease.

Don't joke about that, Adal. Don't joke. It's serious.

I'm so sorry. It is International Women's Day.

The wife was a queen and... Yeah, that's how you honor women. Very good. Thank you.

She had the most beautiful feet that we will hear now.

You know what we'll take? Being paid the same. That would be nice. That's a start. Hire us. Let us vote for us.

So if he had a quarter, he would have lived. If he had two quarters, him and his wife would have lived. But if he had three quarters, his brother would have died?

Yeah, so one quarter, wife would have lived. Two quarters, he would have lived. Three quarters, both the man and his wife live, but the brother dies. Why? Is this like quarters of a chicken? No, these are coins. That's a great question. These are coins.

Okay. So places, it's like not a parking meter, I bet.

Correct.

If not, is it like bus fare?

Uh, no, and let me just say, it's not bus fare, that's a good guess, that quarter, quarter, quarter, like, I guess that does all make sense, but, hehe, pun, but think about, like, this riddle is not a modern-day riddle. This riddle is probably, like, a lateral thinking puzzle is probably, would maybe make more sense like 30 years ago. 25 years ago. When a quarter was $5,000.

Exactly, you know, the past, the distant past.

I found out how much money my grandfather bought my childhood home for recently, and I was pissed for a week. He bought it for like $40,000 in the late 70s, which was at that time only like $100,000 by today's standards. And I was like, why does anyone talk to millennials? Leave us alone. You destroyed us. Leave us alone.

Yeah, it's depressing to hear what a generation, one generation or two generations above us got to have homes.

My grandpa bought his house that my grandma and him lived in for two kisses and a bird.

I'm sorry they kissed a bird twice and then the bird owned the house.

My grandpa who is no longer with us actually built his house that my grandma who is still with us is currently living in and has lived in and raised all of her kids in and the startup capital that he used to buy the materials to build that house he got from a little man who whispered a secret and spun him a hair's length of gold. But he had to give one of my, I guess my dad's, my aunt or uncle, we don't know, the child, the first born child up to that little man and he had a secret name.

Rumpelhausken. I'm sorry? Rumpelhausken? God bless you. I want to see a scene. We're back in the 1950s. Erin, you're a real estate agent. JPC, you're in the market and we're going to see about housing in that era.

Okie dokie, everyone is taxed fairly and we're gonna go to the moon! I got a couple of sweet sweet houses for you today. Which one would you like to check out first?

Well, I don't know too much about houses, but I need a place that I can put my hat in my briefcase when I'm not at work. And I do work a lot. I work six hours a day, and then I spend three hours at lunch just drinking whiskey.

Oh my goodness, sit down. I had no idea you work harder than anyone I know. I work for two blinks every month. Huh? Oh yes, yes. Alright, well... That makes sense to me. Before we get started, actually, what is your budget? I even forgot to ask.

Well, you'd have to ask the Mrs. I just make the money and I hand it all to her. And when I say hand it to her, I do mean yell. I yell a lot. It's generally toxic, but I don't know numbers. Now, I can tell you what I need in terms of a house. I need a room for me, a reclining chair that reclines all the way back, and a place that I can bottle up my emotions.

And I'm sorry, if it's okay with you, okay. Basically I need enough room to do the twist.

What about the shout? No, we're a decade away from that, right? You just need to twist, no yelling, no shouting. Alright, excellent. Well, you know what? This is what we do in the business. Everyone just turn your pockets inside out and I will give you a house for whatever's in there.

Here we go. That's 14 nickels. A Roosevelt.

Ooh, and a loose cigarette. You can get a mansion right this way to the big old house at the top of the hill.

Well, now, if we're going to go into that mansion, I want to make sure it has room for everything that we need. Now, my wife needs room for her exercise machine, which is just, I think, like a car engine and one band that goes around her waist. It shakes me real hard. It shakes her and then she just smokes, she chain smokes cigarettes. So, would the house have room for that?

Oh, yes, of course. And just so you know, there's wallpaper, so the smell of cigarettes will stay in the house for a couple hundred more years.

Oh, and sweetie, I need a room for when I get the vapors.

Yes, we'll need a vapor room, a sitting room, a waiting room. We'll need, I guess... What do children exist in? A terrarium?

Oh, you have children?

Well, not yet, but when the good Lord blesses us with some...

Alright, we'll throw them up to the top floor of the house. You'll never have to see them, never learn their names. Don't worry, you won't even know they exist.

Oh, I guess I wouldn't be mad at a bathroom.

Ooh!

Oh, I take the stinkiest shit. Same. One quarter he would have lived, two quarters his wife would have lived. Is this, is this like, does this involve a coin toss?

Oh, that's really, that's great. No, it doesn't involve a coin toss.

All right. Well, I have a question. Is it a type of thing where you put a coin into something or is it the coin itself like protects you from something?

It's definitely a put a coin into something thing. I have some clues. I have some clues for you. The quarters, the coins, the quarters would have been used to make a purchase. The man and his wife were not together at the times of their death and the man has an illness.

So it would have been for a phone call to say... Boom, boom, boom. Yes. First quarter is for a phone call. So one quarter he could have called his wife and said, come save me, I'm dying.

The first quarter saves the wife. Saves the wife.

Not him. Yeah. So he says, hey, I have this disease. You probably have it too. Go get checked out.

That's always a fun phone call.

That's such a fun phone call. I have to call. Sorry, this is so embarrassing. I know we haven't talked in a while. It turns out I have stigmata. You might want to get yourself checked out.

Cool. I'm so glad that you called me because I have crabs.

I have a little crab and it's in the sand.

I have had that phone call. It was my first year in Chicago and I had, I guess you would say, a little bit of a one-night stand and the person called me and they were like, hey, I went to the doctor and I think that you should get checked out and I think you gave me something and I was like, uh, what?

You should get checked out. I have pregnancy. You might want to see if you have it.

And I went to the doctor and they were like, nope, you're all good. You got nothing. And so then I was like, I guess I'd now have to call that person back and be like, keep calling people.

Well, whoever called you is a very noble person because I've had a lot of friends, specifically female friends who don't get a call from that person because the guy's like, I don't want to have to do that.

I'm sorry, the person who called me was not being very noble. They were being very accusatory and they were very mad. They were very mad at me for giving them a thing that I was like, dude, I can't imagine how I would have done that. So no, that was, it was, it was not a fun.

I see that you gave them your number though. That's, give them, give them your number if they, if you are safe.

Listen up motherfucker, I have butt clams and I think we both know. Who gave it to me?

Hold on, I haven't been to Florida in three years. There's no way you've got butt clams for me.

Shout out to anyone who has an STI right now. It's okay. We're okay. It's gonna be okay.

Just drink lots of orange juice with your penis. Nope.

No. Don't listen to JVC. He's the opposite of whatever a doctor is.

So first quarter saved the wife because it says, hey, you need to go to the hospital.

Not that reason, but you've got the pay phone thing. So the reason will relate to the third quarter.

So is it like, hey, your brother's coming after you run and hide?

Yeah.

Yes. Is it? Yeah. Okay. So hey, your brother's coming to kill you. Um, so get out of the house or something. But what about that? Yeah. What about that second quarter?

So the first one's a pay phone. The second one, she uses it to buy.

He, he, he. This is not the wife. Oh yeah. This is the man using all three quarters.

Uh, he calls his brother. No.

That's that. Well, no, first one is a pay phone. Remember, this is the man has an illness, so he can save his own life with the second quarter.

He follows it.

Yes, he has quarter poisoning. And so the only way to counteract the quarter poisoning is swallowing another quarter.

He calls his doctor.

He's not making a call.

He uses it as bus fare.

Nope, not bus fare. I want to say he buys it Twix.

Adal, yes, correct. So he has diabetes and he uses that second quarter at a vending machine for a sugary snack to up his blood sugar.

This sucks. I was trying to be an asshole when I was right.

And then the third quarter, if you had three quarters, so the solution says, the man has learned that his brother planned to kill him and his wife in order to take over the family business. The man was driving home to warn his wife that his brother was going to kill her. He intended to kill his brother, but he went into diabetic shock along the way. If he had one quarter, he could have called his wife to warn her. If he had two, he could have bought something from the vending machine to fix his blood sugar. And if he had all three, he gets to his brother in time and kills him first.

Wait, how does he get to his brother in time with 75 cents?

Because the vending machine was 50 cents, basically. So if he has one quarter, he has enough to call his wife. If he has two quarters, he has enough to save himself and not his wife. And if he has three, he can save both, but then he kills his brother. I see, I see. Yeah, yeah. And again, these are not the prices in vending machines, guys. So don't send us an email saying, I just went to buy a Twix and it was $125 because we know it was.

I want to see a scene. Yes, please. Erin, you're giving JPC a call. He is your husband. You're trying to warn him of something that's just very, very urgent, but you're also super hungry and you're getting distracted.

Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up.

Hey Jill, we're just about to get in the water.

No, no, no, no. Don't go outside. Don't get in the pool. Don't do any of that.

Well, baby, I'm teaching a diving class, so we kind of have to get in the pool.

I'm just walking by a McDonald's. Oh my God, that smell.

Okay, well, I'll be home at six and I... No, no, no, no.

I'm sorry. On the news, there's a lion at the zoo and he escaped. Coach, should I swim to the surface?

No, stay down and don't talk. You're losing all your air. Do not talk.

Babe, no, I'm trying to tell you something.

There's a lion at the zoo escape, brought the shark with it, like... A lion is not... The pool is the safest place we could be if there's a lion out.

No, I'm trying to tell you that there's a shark, they came out, and then they're holding a picture of our house and they keep pointing at it and cracking their knuckles. Babe, wait, oh fuck, I'm smelling McDonald's. Okay, I have to go in. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Just give me one second.

Hold on, wait.

Um, could I?

Welcome to McDonald's. Can I take your order?

Hi, yes, thank you. You have a new crispy chicken sandwich. Is that similar to the old one, or is this like a whole new thing? Is it like spicy or something?

It's actually the McRib, but we stamped the word chicken on it.

Oh, awesome. Okay, never mind. I will take it.

Also, our pizza's back.

No, thank you. Can I have three fish fillets with no bun?

We only have fish full of these.

Fish for seas? Do you have those? Shit, okay.

All fish are from the seas.

Alright, well I would like as many french fries as you can carry and three fish for bees.

As many as I can carry? Sure thing. I'll be right back.

Shit, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey.

Yeah, this is your husband speaking.

Oh no, it's the shark.

I thought I was being the lion.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

Well, while we figure out how our shark cracks his knuckles, we're gonna take a little break. And we will be back with, I gotta say, hopefully, more riddles.

One riddle before break, we're gonna get some emails.

This is a new record. One riddle in 30 minutes. We did it!

Sorry.

Not a good record.

Oh my god. Adal, Erin, I feel like such a fool. What happened? What did we do? You know how we all thought that these ads were kind of a safe space to talk about, you know, what's going on in our lives and our problems and our issues and kind of talk through them? Well, it turns out these are being broadcast to thousands of people in the middle of our episodes.

Yeah, you're talking into a microphone.

Wait, is that why we're getting paid for these? I know, I'm just as surprised as you guys, but I have landed on something revolutionary that is going to help us out of this pickle that we all find ourselves in and we're all in the same situation.

You know what?

See, I was about to recommend better help, but if you found something... I was about to launch into how I love pickles, because this is an opportunity for me to just rant and rave about what I like. Well, okay. Wait, Erin, what's better help? Oh, do you want to hear about Bradley Better Help Pickers?

No, I don't want to hear about your pickle theory. Why did I say pickles like that? From the South? I don't know.

Well, thank God I'm here because let me tell you about what my thing is and that is Better Help. It's not a crisis line. It's not self-help. It's professional counseling done securely online. This is my favorite kind of way to get therapy because you can send a message to your counselor anytime and they're professionals And it's awesome and you don't have to do that performative one hour of therapy every week that stressed me the heck out. It's more affordable than traditional offline counseling and financial aid is available.

And BetterHelp will help you with things like, you know, is there something interfering with your happiness, JPC? Is there something preventing you from achieving your goals, JPC? Sorry, I'm mentioning just what's affecting my happiness and affecting me from achieving my goals.

Yeah, and so with better help, not like our ads that go out to thousands of people, everything that you share is confidential, it's convenient, it's professional, and it's affordable, right?

Yeah, and you can start communicating in under 48 hours. That's less than an Eddie Murphy movie.

And it's available worldwide.

Okay, so you're saying that we want people to start living a happier life. And as a listener of our show, you can get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at betterhelp.com slash riddle. JPC, no 10%. That's too much. I don't make the rules. I think that they should join over 1 million people who have taken charge of their mental health. Again, that's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash riddle. This is way better than the idea I was going to pitch.

What were you going to say?

I was going to say whisper ads. We just whisper all the ads and so then we can hear the ads if we whisper all the ads.

Okay, I say this every day, but thank God I'm here. What would happen if I wasn't here, everybody?

Oh wait, GPC. Stop whispering. All these birds started landing on you. The birds are my friends.

What happened if I wasn't here?

Wow, I can't believe how many riddles we did on the break.

Woo-hoo! 17 million riddles down.

Oh man, yeah. Okay, well that means that we can kind of coast through the rest of the episodes. Let's get back into cracking on these emails. This next one is for Risha. Risha? R-I-S-H-A? I'm gonna say Risha is how you pronounce that. First off, thanks so much for your podcast. Life and college are kind of unstable right now, and having something nice to listen to is one of those things keeping me sane. Well, Risha, you sent that in 2018, so I got bad news for you about the future. I'm hoping that you're not graduating college in this job market because it's 40% unemployment.

We don't need to do this to them. This is what we mean when we say we're terrible to our listeners.

Okay, so Risha says, When you need me, you throw me away. When you're done with me, you bring me back. What am I?

A tissue. Nope. Nope. No, no, no. No one listen to me.

I'm serious.

Don't listen to me.

Erin, that is only the correct answer if you are Rudy Giuliani and you are just blowing your nose with that thing and then wiping it all over your face and mouth and then blowing your nose and wiping it on your face.

If you need me?

When you need me, you throw me away. When you don't need me, you bring me back.

Actually, the answer might be Rudy Giuliani.

Oh, is it a fishing? Is the first answer an anchor?

The first answer is an anchor. Adal, Erin, you boat... Wow, what a combo. One boat combo.

I would like to see a scene. You two are father and son and you're going on like a boat fishing trip and you're both kind of trying to convince the other to pull the anchor out of the water because you both have a suspicion that maybe you might not be strong enough and you want to make the other person look worse.

Wow dad, this has really been such a great day.

Do you feel like you learned a little something about boating from your old pop?

To be sure, also we've caught so many bluegill. Nature's oyster.

I can't wait to get home and fry up those bluegill. Well, speaking of getting home, champ, the sun's coming down, so hey, you're a big strong man now. Why don't you go and hoist that anchor for us?

Dad, 17's not a man.

In some context it is.

I barely know any dirty jokes. You should probably bring in the anchor and then we'll be off to home.

Well, we shouldn't trust the old-timer around that anchor, especially with how many of these cold ones I've slung back today, slugger. So why don't you lift that anchor up for us and then you can drive and steer the boat back home. What do you say?

Wow that sounds exciting, but I think it would make for a better TikTok if I recorded you with your sleeves rolled up since you have an anchor tattoo on your arm that says strongman. I think that would make it such a great video.

Well there's nothing I'd like more than to make that video with you my boy it's been such a special day you and I out here on the water but when you talked about my anchor tattoo it made me think about my old Navy buddies and how some of them are no longer with us and now my hands won't stop shaking so I'd be I'd be a lost cause pulling that anchor up why don't you grab it kiddo I think that you'd be perfect for grabbing that anchor with your strong taut little body

Hey Dad, I know you've drank a bunch but every time you get drunk you talk about when you used to work at Old Navy and all your old Navy buddies. I know you got a discount that was like 10% off performance at least but I don't want to hear the story.

It was 15% off but it was capped at $400.

Out of the way boys, mom's gonna do it. International Woman's Day, it's International Woman's Day.

Wow, she's struggling and she fell in the water. Okay, this next riddle...

Oh, by the way, Adal, oysters are the oysters of nature. Thank you so much.

No, no, no. That's the bluegill.

That sounds like a red lobster jiggle for sure.

When I lived in Ohio, right behind our house there was a creek, or as some people in my neighborhood would say, a creek. And me and my friends would go down there and play like Ninja Turtles. I don't know. I can't possibly remember what that constituted. But we would play Ninja Turtles, and then at one point my friend caught a bluegill, and he said, hold it. And I had never seen a bluegill before, so I grabbed it, and boy oh boy did I hurt my hand. Because bluegills are all spine.

Oh yeah. Ew.

They're razor sharp. Did you cut yourself? Ew.

Oh yeah. It like punctured my palm in like five places.

It was awful. No, no. You have a scar? No.

Wow. How old were you? I was probably 40. I was probably 9 or 10.

Oh, okay. 9 out of 10? Yeah, man. Scrapes and cuts, bruises and brutes. I was on a walk today. Like I said, the weather was really nice and there was a little girl. She must have been like three maybe. I mean, she was tiny and her babysitter was out like talking on the phone and she was, you know how like people like have like trees in their yard and they have those like red, like three bricks in a circle. Hey Riddle She just, she hit five and she fell and just clumped completely down. Didn't cry at all, like got up and it was like, and the babysitter was like, are you okay? And she was like, uh-huh. Then she got up and started doing it again. I was like, that's, that's cool. Like if at 32, if I had like just slipped slightly, I'd be like, I'll be in bed. I'll be in bed eating shit, like eating junk food the rest of the day. Cause that's my, it's over for me. But that little girl like got right back up into it. It sounds like she was concussed. Oh for sure. She got back on those rocks and she was like blun, flu, pleap, blore.

One time, I'm just having a memory, I one time in Chicago saw a little boy on a swing and I think he must have been there with his like older brother and he to impress his older brother did a jump off the swing and then wiped out so bad and landed like on the edge of this like bench thing and knocked the wind out of himself and had like scrapes on his hand and dirt up his whole body and like tears just welling in his eyes you could like cut you know when you like yeah yeah dirty cuts yeah and he was like hey Michael wait up next time I get severely hurt I'm gonna yell there Stop laughing for a week. I came home to my roommate and I was like, Shayna, I saw the funniest thing ever. Hey Michael, wait up. Joe Coan.

Outstanding. I remember my nephew, who's like three now, when he was learning to count, he knew how to count to four, but didn't know how to count past four for a brief period of time. And so when he would like count toys, I got a video of him counting his toys and he goes one, two, three, four, four, four, four. Here's a few good riddles for the users submitted ones. Answers are at the bottom in case you'd like to at least guess at it before reading to the next line. So there are answers for all of these.

And we're supposed to guess before you get to the next line, okay?

I'm gonna say... Yeah, please.

Popsicle.

Ooh, yeah, I'm gonna say popsicle.

God damn it, yes, popsicle. Okay, number one. It kills scientists in seconds. Europeans take a little longer. Americans are unaffected.

Religion. Organized religion.

It kills scientists in seconds. Europeans take a little longer. Americans are unaffected. Zombies?

It's not zombies, no. Kill scientists in seconds. So germs.

It's a letter or something?

It's not a letter. It's not a disease. No, no, no. So it's hmm. I mean, I love this riddle, by the way, but it's something that scientists, Europeans and Americans all see a little bit differently.

Oh, the metric system.

No, not the metric system. That's a really good guess. And I think if you think along those lines, that might be very helpful for you.

Aluminium. In aluminum. See, in England, instead of saying they have to go to the bathroom, they say they have to go to the aluminium.

Which is a condominium made for pooping.

I have to go to Al's Lou in his condominium.

Welcome to Al's Lumineum, home of wet beef.

If you live in England and you listen to us, we're really sorry. We only cause harm. You should shut this off.

Yeah, do yourself a favor.

Pardon me, can you direct me to your water closet? Of course, that's a closet that's flooding.

You'll love it.

Kill scientists in seconds.

There's just a bunch of wet fitted sheets.

So the answer, this is going to be a tough one because you have to get what it's about and then you have to get the answer. The answer is a very specific thing, but if you get like met, you are close with metric system. So again, this is something that those three groups would maybe have like a different measurement for. Something that science, it's one thing, but scientists use something different. Pounds? No, not pounds. Kilometers? Not kilometers.

That's the only difference is... Aaron. Fahrenheit. Fahrenheit.

Well what people die at at each thing? It would be like 110 degrees or something. It's a specific number.

It is a specific number and it is, do you know what the third one, the one that scientists use is called?

They use something that I like to call. Hold on, I'm on my phone. Not Fahrenheit, not Celsius.

Wait, I wanted to make a joke and then I forgot what it was. What's the scale that hot food? Scoville. Scoville, they use the Scoville scale.

Sorry, smallville. I'll give you a hint. If it's, let's say it's Kevin and Susie is to blank and sluicy.

Okay, so they use Felsius. Seven. Karanheit. Kevin and Susie is to blank and sluicy.

Okay, this is it. Kelvin!

Wow, that's right.

Didn't I say Kelvin? I think there might have been, we talked too much on Zoom at the same time.

Speaking of, can I just, I'm so sorry, we can cut this out. Can you two please give me feedback on my Kelvin and Hobbs comic strip? It's about a young scientist and a tiger and all their experiments.

JBC, do you want to tell them or do you want me?

Yeah, I'd say it's derivative. Thank you.

It is just like Family Circus. It's so weird.

It's Family Celsius, you mean? It's one panel cartoons. It's not, yeah. I don't know what you're going for, but it's derivative.

You guys remember Rhymes with Orange? What were some other newspaper cartoons?

Remember the first page?

Hold on. Hold on.

I don't even remember the first one. Rhymes with Orange?

Rhymes with Orange? Yeah, I think it was one of those one panel cartoon. It felt a little like far side-ish because it was different every week and it was like one joke.

Wait, Erin, what do you say different every week? Aren't all cartoons different every week?

No, I mean like it's not following the same family. It's not following the same characters. It like can be anything.

Erin, I think your dad drew a little picture on your napkins in the morning and told you it was a national comic.

I think my dad drew a picture of my napkin. But I would get a little sheet of computer paper and trace all my favorite comics every Sunday.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, I loved doing that. And mostly like the funny ones. So instead of clipping them out and saving them, I was like, I want to save my copy of them.

Hey Riddle.

The financial section.

And business. I was into Dilbert until I learned about the creator and then I'm like, well, never reading that comic again.

So you were into Dilbert until two years ago? Yep. No, Scott Adams is one of our great Americans. Thank you for your service, you fucking maniac.

I would like to see a scene. You guys are Calvin and Hobbes, but you're Calvin and Hobbes, but you're in like your mid 40s now.

Calvin, what do you want to do today? You want to piss on another Ford?

I was thinking about going down to the dump and see if we can scrounge us up another new cardboard box. The one that we're sleeping in is busted out all over.

Speaking of dump, this red meat is running right through me. I don't know. I need to see a vet or something. Red meat? You piece of shit. When did you get red meat? I'm a tiger. I ne- Okay. I found... I found some... Okay, I went behind a Joolosco, I found some expired ground beef, and I scarfed it down. Hold on, let me see these wrappers. These are Slim Jims.

This is that red meat. This is barely meat. How many Slim Jims did you have, Hobbs?

I wanted to say 20 or 30. 20 or 30? !

Lord Almighty, the vet bill for this is going to be insane.

Fine. I kissed your mom. I was drunk. Big deal.

She's been dead for 12 years. Well, he kissed her 10 years ago. International Women's Day.

International Women's Day. International Women's Day. This does not include oysters and shrimp and red lobsters.

70 degrees. Scientists would measure that 70 Kelvin, which is way hotter than 70 Celsius, and they're both still hotter than 70 degrees Fahrenheit.

I'm voting for Kelvin as Miss Temperature because she's way hotter. Did you see her swimsuit? Aye, aye, aye.

International Women's Day, Adal. Shut up.

And such as the Iraq, and such as the temperature.

What is three seventh, I'm sorry, what is three seventh's chicken, two thirds cat, and half goat? What is three seventh's chicken, two thirds cat, and half goat? I love this one too and it's very tricky.

My instincts want to say Julia Roberts.

Can you list them again? Sorry, my brain can't comprehend them.

Yes, three-sevenths chicken.

Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. I'm going to write these words down.

Erin's going to write these words down. Three-sevenths chicken, two-thirds cat, and half goat.

I want to get this one. Adal, if you figured it out.

Oh, I have it.

I know it. Don't tell me yet.

Adal got it so quickly that he must have got a joke answer, so I will entertain. No, I have the real answer. Oh, you have the real answer. Okay, Adal.

Three-sevenths chicken. How much of it is cat?

Two thirds. Here's what I'll say. Here's proof that I know the answer and this is an outstanding riddle. The proof I know this answer is the three of us should all know this answer.

Yes, okay.

There you go. And I've probably known this answer the longest. JPC I want to say probably has known it the second longest and Erin you're probably the newest to this answer.

Yes.

Okay, alright. I wasn't listening, but I'm working. Don't tell me, don't tell me, no, no, no, no, don't tell me anything!

Why aren't you listening?

It's international women's day. Compose yourself.

Okay, I'm trying to focus and I've been able to adequately block you out.

Adal quickly?

Holy shit, that fell right into our laps.

Remember that? That's something. You know the scene in movies where it's like World War II and the grenade lands in the bunker and everybody dives away and then it goes off and then the sound of the movie just goes And it's just like that dull ringing. That's now what my ears are.

Well, is it my fault?

Yeah. No. Hey, Erin, I don't blame my comrade in the bunker. I blame the freaking German who just tossed a grenade in here.

All right. Merry Christmas. Let's sing Silent Night altogether. Okay, I think it might be Chicago, or go at at.

So, yes, the answer is go at at. The hint that I was going to use was, but yes, the answer is Chicago. Three-sevenths of chicken, shy, two-thirds of cat, ka, and half of goat, go, shy, ka, go. That's great. We love to see that.

That's a really good one. See, that is the type of thing every other riddle I'm not trying to make, put this riddle on the spot or embarrass it, but every other riddle should take notes and be just like this riddle, okay?

I want to see a scene. Christy says, by the way, keep doing what you do, Riddies and Pussies peeps, and thank you for making me actively use my brain when listening to podcasts. Christy, if you're still listening to this podcast, just chime in. How much should you actively use your brain in the first 30 minutes? We still good? We still good Christy?

She's gone.

I want to see a scene. JPC and Erin you're two scientists and you've been sort of tinkering with DNA splicing and you've created a part chicken, part cat, part goat creature and you're deciding based on the kind of outcome not being what you expected you're trying to figure out what to do with it.

Hey dude.

Yeah.

You know how we got super drunk last night and broke into the lab and we were like, you know what would be funny and we kept saying yes to each other's ideas?

Yes, I do. I mean, we're still here, so yes I do.

Ah, my head. Okay. Um. Meow gawk. Stop, stop. Hold on. There's something behind me and I'm not going to show you what it is. Meow gawk.

Is it? Oh my God. We were in the gene splicing lab. Oh no.

Yeah, dude. Um, it's so much worse than you imagined.

We were so drunk and we were trying to order delivery and nothing was open and I said, I could go for a turducken. And you were like, no one's going to deliver a turducken.

And I said, I've ever looked at a goat and then just wanted to take a little bite. And he said, no.

And I said, I thought we were saying yes to each other the whole night.

Well, you said you never knew you wanted to take a boat, and then I said I'm adding it anyway, and you said, Yasqueen, that's how I honor you today on International Internet Day.

What are you telling me?

I'm trying to tell you that I'm hungover, and we made this.

Meowgok kill me.

Okay. That looks... Delicious. I am so hungry.

Goat sound, goat sound.

I wasn't going to tell you, but while you were in the gene lab, I was in the main chemistry lab. And remember how last night we were both so drunk and we both want to take out and I said, what I think I would love is barbecue sauce, honey mustard and ranch mixed into one sauce.

What did you do?

Well, I just bought... I just bought bottles of those three things and I mixed them all together. It tastes... That's not natural. It tastes... No, it's not natural. It's everything.

My swanch. My swanch. Oh, God. And look at the haircut we gave it.

Yeah, so this is... I made this most ranch. It... It gave sentience. Maybe the Pudsenburner was not too high. I don't really know how that happened, but... Maybe if we get... What did you call your creation?

What was its name at you? What's your name? What's your name? What did we call you? Jeff! Jeff! Meowcock!

Meowcock. We're going to call you Meowcock. I think giving animals human names is weird. Meowcock, maybe if you get into this... Moose ranch.

Wait a second. Did we hook up last night too?

Oh yeah.

That's what you get for waking up in Vegas. Did that not end this? Oh god, we have to live with these consequences.

This ad has been paid by the Las Vegas Board of Tourism. What happens if Vegas stays in Vegas? I think I got it paid.

What were the three sauces that you combined? What are those three sauces?

What are those barbecue sauce?

Mustard, barbecue sauce, what was the other one?

And ranch. Now ranch.

Okay, mustard fucks it, right? Barbecue sauce and ranch would be delicious.

Yeah. Well, barbecue sauce has mustard in it. That's how you make barbecue sauce.

I know, but mustard and ranch aren't necessarily

I think that trio actually sounds great, and I think JPC, you should bottle that, sell it, and call it... Do it like goober grape with the peanut butter and the jellies in one jar, and it's just like mustard, or it has like three spigots on it, and it's like a tri, you know, separated bottle. Oh, that's actually pretty good.

What will it be on the Scoville scale? How spicy is it gonna be?

It'll be a Rory on the Scoville scale. He is so funny.

You put that on chicken?

I wouldn't because I've been a vegetarian for like 18 fucking years.

No, but like how are you selling it to? What kind of restaurants are you selling it to? Not what you'd put it on. You put it on your sugarless nonsense.

I don't think I can sell it to restaurants as much as I can sell it to divorce dads. Just try it their best. That is the target demographic for like green ketchup, a goober grape. Whatever saves divorce dads a little bit of time. Okay. Can we do one more Riddle? Yes, please. Alright, this one is from... McGill. Yeah, McGill. Pronounced McGill. Oh, I'm saying that right. This one's from McGill. And also McGill signs this mysteriously comma McGill, which... I like the alliteration in there. Good job.

Do you think that he did a little swish of his cape?

Well, it says... I never read the emails out loud because I don't want people to find the people that maintain some anonymity. But this email is from mcgill at swishcape.com.

So, maybe. Mysteriously, McGill swishes cape.

Two bodies have I, but both joined in one. The stiller I stand, the faster I run.

Like a body of water. Like a waterfall.

Like Ben Stiller? Yeah, Stiller is capitalized, but I think it's more like Jerry Stiller. I have two bodies!

That was actually really good.

I think that you could do an entire movie where you play Ben Stiller and Jerry Stiller. Oh please. I think that you could do both and then it just like through movie magic.

I can only do Ben Stiller from Mystery Men because he's yelling the whole time and I can only do Jerry Stiller from anything because he's yelling the whole time.

Sounds like a stressful movie. I can't wait.

I can do my combination Billy Corgan, Billy Crude Up, and Billy Zane.

That sounds like a really weird movie too.

What should I do? You should do Katherine Hahn.

And the girlfriend from Monsters, Inc.

Exactly. Yes.

And they're in love! Okay, I have to go. Clickety clack, clack, clack. I'm ready to go.

She's jumping that horse so fast.

Tap dance out of here.

Clickety clack, clack, clack.

Clickety clack, clack, clack. Ha! Okay.

So two bodies have eye. But both joined in one. The stiller I stand, the faster I run.

So what runs... A river. A river runs through it. River Phoenix has two bodies.

River... You guys... River and you're off with water. Water ain't it.

Water ain't it. Two bodies have on.

Politician. Politics.

What else has bodies?

What else runs?

Oh, it's like a letter of the alphabet?

Uh, no. That's a good guess, but no. It's not a letter of the alphabet. It's not a politician. It's not a human. It's not like a person. This is a... This is... It's not an idea either. This is like a thing. A noun.

It's a noun. Two bodies have a... It's tangible.

It's tangible. Two bodies have I, but both joined in one. The stiller I stand, the faster I run.

So you said it's a word, but it is something tangible?

It's something tangible, yes. It's an... I'll say it's an object.

Is the riddle aiming us towards the word where it's like the letters that make up the word look a certain way or spell something like... No, no, it's not that. It's not like two bodies have eyes like the letter I or something.

Exactly, it does not have anything to do with that.

I want to see a scene. While I think about this, I want to see a scene. JPC and Erin, you share one body. You're one body with two heads. And I just want to see a very quick scene where the two of you are trying to order at a restaurant.

Chicken parm. No, not in my stomach. Chicken parm. No, not in my stomach. And burn it.

No, not in my stomach.

Crispy chicken parm. No.

Well, if you do that, then we're watching Enchanted again tonight.

If I may, it is International Women's Day, so Ladyhead, what would you like?

I said chicken parm! Excuse me. I'm sorry.

I don't want chicken parm, JPC.

Neither do I. I can't eat a bit of vegetarian for 18 years. That character, that lady, really wanted it.

I remember being in Nashville with JPC and some other friends and we were like, we gotta go to this hot chicken place. Yeah, this spicy chicken place. We gotta go. It's supposed to be the best. And like we get there and we're ordering and we're all so excited. And then JPC's like, cool. I'll be across the fucking street.

Now, there was a taco place right across the street and it was very good, so I was very pleased with that.

Well, that's great. Everyone won.

Honestly, I can eat at any Mexican American food place. Yeah, yeah. In any town across this great United States, I can eat at any one of them. I can always get a taco. Turns out, two bodies have I. Boy, can we get into one, the stiller I stand, the faster I run. Give me a sweet, sweet hint. So yeah, so this is an object and it is... So it's got, it basically has two bodies and if you like broke it in the middle, it would... Hourglass. Hourglass.

Hourglass in the middle of the street.

Yes.

Don't run over it. That's my only hourglass.

Thank you, McGill. The answer, of course, is an hourglass, the stiller I stand, the faster I run.

I have a question for our audience.

Okay, well... You can ask it.

Okay, can I ask it?

Sure.

Do hourglasses stress you out? Because they stress me out. They stress me out the same way that, like, board game timers stress me out. Like, remember the categories timer? From, like, especially the one from growing up, where it would just be like... And it would scare the shit out of you? Watching an hourglass go is not soothing to me. I'm like, oh, we're all gonna die one day. Oh my god. Oh my god. Anyone else?

Anyone else? I personally don't have that, but every time I watch an hourglass, you know, turn over, I just sing dust in the wind to myself and it is a very calming experience. Do you close your eyes?

Um, only for a moment and the moment's gone.

Like sand through an hourglass, these are the stressful days of our lives.

Like sand through an hourglass, these are our plugs. Adal, is there something that you have to plug?

I recommend all you cocksuckers watch Deadwood. It's very good, up on rewatch, I think. And I also, I'm gonna keep plugging it while it's continuing to come out. Please check out Hey Tavern Tavern, the Hello from the Magic Tavern spinoff featuring myself, JPC, and Erin. It's on Stitcher Premium. If you use the code word MAGIC to sign up, you get a free month free. That's redundant. But check that out. It comes out every Thursday. By the time this airs, there should be three or four episodes out and there's going to be a total of seven, so check it out. Erin, anything to plug?

I want to plug taking care of yourself. So if you haven't done anything nice for yourself, nope, today. Do some guided meditations on YouTube. If you can afford a therapy, sign up for that. Just give yourself a little jar of, drink some water. Give yourself a hug. Tell yourself you're worthy of love. There's nothing you need to do to earn love. So just take care of yourself. You are worthy of so much love.

Wow, that makes my Deadwood Wreck seem like a real stink- Yeah, motherfuckers!

Fuck you, you fucking cowboy motherfucker! Fuck you, you fucking drink water, bitch! Drink your water, bitch! Fuck you!

That's my water alarm. I'm sorry, that's so unprofessional. That just went off during the show. I'm so sorry. I have to drink some water. For me, you can follow me on Twitch, twitch.tv slash sharkbarkman. If you're listening to this, I'm already back streaming again. So, you know, my week break is over because we recorded this a week in advance. And two days ago, Erin's episode of Billboats came out. So go listen to us talk about the album Amy Night by Fun. That's a fun album and a fun time.

And that's all I got. I had the best time. You should listen to that. I had the best time. It's such a good show.

Erin, I was honestly, I was just looking at this album and I can't believe I've never noticed this before but there is a fucking bonus track on this that we have not heard before and I thought it might be nice to play a little of it here on the show. Okay, so I'm putting in the CD and I'm shutting the lid and I'm pressing play and here is the song.

Horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn, horn,

I close my eyes, only for a moment and the moments gone. All my dreams pass before my eyes a monkey ossity.

Dunstan checks in. We all know that Dunstan checks in. Dunstan checks in. We all know that Dunstan checks in. This hotel has a fucking monkey working at the desk. A surfboard. I only know the movie from the jewel case. Dunstan Jackson. DVDs of Dunstan Jackson. Dunst in Shek's Inn. You can rent it on Amazon. Fuck Jeff Bezos.

That was a Headgum podcast.