Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

No energy, that's true, but you know what energy we truly have? You know when the teacher leaves the room for 15 seconds in elementary school to like go get something from another teacher and then everyone's just like, everything all at once! Chaos! That's us.

A talent show, but also let's pick on the other kids. Let's pick on the weaklings. Let's cram Lord of the Flies into 15 seconds. Fear, tyranny, disorder. Teacher's gone. Quick. Eat their clothes. I'm ripping my own fingers off.

Oh, she's back. She's back.

She's back. She's back.

We were good. What's algebra?

Riddle Riddle

I think I told you all this, but one time in my freshman or sophomore year of high school, the chemistry teacher, who was like 24, like he graduated college and immediately came back to, and he had went to that school, my high school. He graduated my high school, went to college, came back and immediately became a chemistry teacher, so he was like 24. He left the room one time and I locked the door behind him. and he and I stood there and he like pounded on the door and tried to get open and started was like let me in and I shook my head no and went and sat down and he was screaming at me I don't know what came over me and then he kept screaming he was gonna go get the principal and I was like isn't that embarrassing for you that you got locked out like I phrased it in a way that was like isn't that more embarrassing to tell the principal you got locked out of your own classroom and so basically he never told the principal but he did give me detention

Everything okay at home Adal?

No. And then he also once challenged me to an arm wrestling contest in front of the students because he wanted to like belittle me and I beat him.

He told me that story before and I thought about it while I'm like doing dishes and I'll die laughing.

But he was like a buff dude, but his arms were all short and I'm not like, I'm not strong, but I have fairly long arms. So I think just like, I don't know what that's called. Like folk, like the fulcrum power, I don't know what that's called. Leverage. I just, he had very tiny arms, so I beat him.

I was joking around once in an Algebra 2 class and the teacher said, if you have time to joke around in class, why don't you come up to the board and solve the equation? So I walked up to the board and solved the equation and I went back and I was like, can I keep joking around?

And I'm Erin Keif. Welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle.

This is an improvised podcast about solving riddles and it's also about discovering friendships and discovering The power dynamics of psychopath children who are torturing our heroes who work in the school system. I have a thing though, I have a thing that I will say about that. With Adal's armwrestling and my math teacher, you truly can never call someone out like that unless you are prepared to have them beat you.

Um, can I just say something about teachers really quick?

Yes, please.

If your solution to getting your kids back into school full time isn't let's get the teachers and their families vaccinated ASAP and first, then please shut your mouth, okay? We're not going to torture teachers and see them as subhuman just because you're having some issues at home, especially if you're rich. If you're poor, this is a different story. But if you're rich and you're bullying teachers, get your shit together. I'm very angry. Be nice to teachers. They're people.

And that's our new angle for this podcast. It's all about telling stories how we fucked with teachers, but telling future generations to be kind to them.

Yes.

To learn from our mistakes, although they were very funny mistakes.

They were very funny mistakes. In normal times, when there's not a virus running rampant across the United States, it's okay to fuck with teachers. That's what Erin's saying. Erin's saying that it's okay to fuck with these people when it's normal times.

Be terrible to them and pay them nothing when it's normal times.

Get your tax ready. Really? Teachers have to deal with little asshole kids, so they should be getting paid way more and they should have way more of our respect. And if they're like, well, we don't want to teach you a pandemic because all these grubby little children's hands are full of the virus, we should respect that as well. And this is easy for me to say because I don't have kids. I got spaghetti and I sent your ass to dog camp.

Um, does she ever, like, write letters to all of her friends at dog camp? Like, I can't wait to see you next dog camp.

Sometimes the dog camp will, like, put Spaghetti on their Instagram because they'll, like, take little videos of the dogs during the day and, like, be like, look at this. And Spaghetti, every time she shows up in one of those Instagram videos, right? I look at it and we're like, She having a good time. She kind of looks a little stressed out. And she looks like she's like, I think spaghetti thinks that we work and then she goes to work. And she's like, she doesn't love it, but she's like, I gotta do it. Everybody in this house works. And she just goes there and gets stressed about all the dogs all day and then comes home and is like, finally I can sleep.

It's just the videos of her looking at a picture of you and Mariah all day, just sort of pawing at it.

There's a show on Netflix called Bunked. It's like B-U-N-K-D. And one time I jokingly put it on. He's like the germaphobe that solves crimes. Exactly. It's the germaphobe detective who sleeps in a double bed. It's called Bunked. Uh-huh. But I put it on one time because we couldn't find anything to watch and so I just pressed play on it. And it's like a kid show. It is the worst thing I've ever seen, but every like two or three weeks I'll randomly put on an episode when Gemma isn't paying attention and then like we have to watch it. It is the most garbage thing in the world. I recommend you all watch it. It's basically it's like 40 kids all playing the most over-the-top weirdo freaks in the world. And then there's one adult who plays the counselor and she's maybe like a 52 year old woman and you can her eyes are dead. But she is acting so hard and she's like, this is my big break, like I probably went to Juilliard and like I finally got this show.

I love when someone acts with the energy that they probably went to Juilliard.

But all her scenes are like, she comes in and like the kids are doing whatever, like the worst storylines and then she comes in and she's like, Hey come back here. Oh no that bear just made me shit my pants like it's all I mean I feel so bad for this woman.

You love the show. You love it.

I want to start a GoFundMe for whoever this woman is who plays the camp counselor because her life is bad.

Oh no, I don't believe it. I think she's thriving. By what? Everything you've said points to thriving.

Adal just did a thing to us that I do to Mariah with food and we'll get something or we'll order something that wasn't the thing that we ordered and I'll be the one to try it and I'll take a bite and go. Try this. It's so bad you please just one bite one bite. It's the worst thing you've ever tasted.

You have to taste it. Speaking of the worst thing ever, we are about to do an episode. Who is our old man puzzles for this episode?

It's me. Ha ha ha. You didn't think that I would have the energy to be old man puzzles again. You were wrong.

That's not fair. We still don't. We still don't think that. And you don't.

And I don't. But I am going to do some listener submitted riddles and those are going to carry me through. Thank you listener submitted riddles. Where would I be without you?

Can we also later, maybe this is, maybe I'll do this next time I host, can we do some sister limited questions? Is that something?

And what does that mean?

Sister limited questions.

You said listener submitted and I thought sister limiteded rhymes.

So you think Adal, you think you can do it every time with no effort. You think the thing that you do requires so little effort that it will just be done for you by your brain.

Listen man, every time anyone says anything, I have a reply. It's not always great, and I don't always say it. I try and push it down, but sometimes it just comes out. Well Adal, fine.

Later in the episode, I'm going to admit about some terrible things I've done to my sisters.

Ooh!

And we're going to call that limited? It's the closest I could get.

We're going to call that segment sisters limited questions.

One time I stole Molly's jig crew pants, and I burned them in the woods. I hid them around different areas of my room for six months, let the guilt burn a hole through my soul, and then I burned them in the woods.

That's something a witch would do.

One time we were cutting cookies in the kitchen and she told me I was doing it wrong so I turned around and I threatened her with a knife and I told her to leave me alone. One time Molly was going out to a party and on purpose I told her that she looked bad right before she walked out of the door.

These are my sister's amenities.

I didn't say any of the terrible things I did to my oldest sister. Yeah, it was all Molly. Poor Molly. One time I told my sister's a teacher and I told, if you can tell by my rant, and I told her entire class of students what her middle name was.

Do you want to put her on blast right now? What's that middle name?

Oh, no, I can't because I think she uses it as her alias. Her internet alias. Oh. All right, so I'm going to do some listeners submitted riddles. We have some awesome ones today, so here we go.

Is her middle name MamaChomper69?

Damn it.

Adal, shush.

My history of rock professor in college, he had a fake Facebook with not his real name.

Did you say history of rock professor?

Yeah, I took a history of rock class, and it was a lecture hall with like, I don't know, like 150 kids in it. There was a ton of kids in this history of rock class, and he opened the projector one day, which is a prediction of his computer screen, and he just had his Facebook on it, and his Facebook alt name was Flamingo Starship.

Oh, no.

Everybody in the class saw it, and he looked at it, and he was like, ugh. He took too long to close it, and we were like, Flipping a Starship.

His name is Flipping a Starship. His name is Flipping a Starship. His name is Flipping a Starship. His name is Flipping a Starship. His name is Flipping a Starship. His name is Flipping a Starship. His name is Flipping a Starship.

His name is Flipping a Starship. His name is Flipping a Starship. His name is Flipping a Starship. His name is Flipping a Starship. His name is Flipping a Starship. His name is Flipping a Starship. His name is Flipping a Starship. His name is Flipping a Starship. His name is Flipping a Starship. His name is Flipping a Starship.

No, dude, this guy was leading a double life and he was going on cruise ships and introducing himself to women as Flamingo Starship. He'd be going, hi, I'm Flamingo Starship. Would you like to dance?

I think it's so funny that when like people have an alt like name on their account because they don't like or like they protect their account because they don't want, you know, just other people to see the thoughts that they have. And it makes me think like, oh yeah, that would be, what a better idea. Like all the people who have like Twitter profiles that are like not their real name and not their real face. Great. They're doing it right. What a fantastic idea. You can have anonymity.

Also, that's the coolest class I've ever heard of. History of rock. I would have taken that in an instant. Was it great? Was it fun?

Yeah, it was super fun. I mean, it was like a history of like 60s, 70s, and 80s rock.

I may have talked about this professor before, but he was like- Was the homework to like smoke weed and listen to Fleetwood Mac?

Honestly, it wasn't as cool as that. It was a lecture, so we did take a ton of notes. The tests and quizzes stuff were like, this band this year, this song, and stuff like that. But it was really cool to learn about the bands. I will say that we listened to some music as part of the class, but a lot of the music was that you would listen to on your own. You would just learn a lot about the band and what they were going through and what they were doing and their producer and the label and stuff like that. This guy had a ton of knowledge. He was kind of like an older burnout guy and he was a musician and he loved music. And his stories were not like first-hand stories, but they were like second-hand stories of like the rumor is that this is what happened with Fleetwood Mac with blah blah blah rumors. And so that was really fun. He did get into it a lot.

That's amazing. I feel like all the bands from that time would sit around smoking weed being like, my nightmare is that kids are going to learn about us in a college class instead of like discovering our music. And then they're, a man is standing in front of a bunch of 18 year olds talking about the history of our band.

Now JBC, you famously have from two Christmases ago, a gift certificate for a tattoo that I got you. Will you get a tattoo of a UFO with a flamingo inside of it?

I don't want to get a duplicate tattoo, unless it's a symmetrical thing where I put it on the other half of my body, but I don't know how that could be because mine is directly above my ass crack.

It should be on your thigh and it's beaming up into your butt.

Hey, that's why pencils have erasers in my back.

I want to get a tattoo of an ass crack above my ass crack. Alright, let's get into this. Let's go. These are from Erin.

Let's go. At the end of the day, I hear the phrase at the end of the day, 17 times a day. Why is everyone saying at the end of the day? Sorry, this is Adal's rants. It used to be let's go and now I still hear that but I hear the phrase at the end of the day so much. Please everyone stop.

At the end of the day, I'm gonna keep saying let's go.

When you say stuff like I hear this 17 times a day and we're all in lockdown and the only person at your house with you is Gemma, you really blow up the spot every day after 8 p.m.

Gemma says at the end of the day

These are from Erin, Dame, and Rush, and it's okay to use my full name. These are movie limerick riddles. They're an absolute blast. So thank you, Erin. I really appreciate you sending these in. Are you guys ready?

Yes. Would you hear another, Erin, do you get jealous?

Um, are they hot? Are they tall? Do my parents love them more than me?

They certainly sound hot and tall.

Ah, well then damn.

Anthony Michael Hall stands for Anthony Michael, who's hot and tall.

Do you think, Erin, do you think that there are any errands that your parents love more than you? That would be devastating.

Erin Eckhart.

Thank you for smoking.

They love him.

I would love to give your parents a quiz that was fully designed to get them to admit that there's an Erin. Just like 30 questions into the quiz, be like, most famous Erin, and have your mom be like, Erin Eckhart. And I'm like, interesting. Interesting mom. Interesting.

My dad did send me the sweetest text today out of nowhere. He said, loving you, truth be told, all you have to do is pop into my head and I'm instantly loving you.

Aw, aw, the sweetest text.

Isn't that so nice?

Thanks Poppy. Dad did the best. I'm sorry Erin, that is a Bruno Mars lyric.

Oh shit! Fuck. Oh my god, wait. My dad before that said, oh, yeah, yeah. Ooh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh. Come on.

Did he also text you, Julio, get the truck.

Yeah. Oh, man.

And the next text just says, get the stretch. And then, oops, Matt's text that to Julio on my phone. Julio, get the truck. What was I thinking? What am I listening to?

This one just says, Jackson, Mississippi. Oh, come on. OK. We have to get to Riddles. People will yell at me.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

The first one is, there once was a robot invader who said to his prey, see you later. With that jaw oh so square and that flat 80's hair, it could only be... The Terminator! What did you say Adal?

Darth Evader.

It's Darth Evader. I need to see a seed. I know that this isn't the actual origin, but I want to see Kid Darth Vader at school, and he's having a hard time going through school. GBC, you're going to be Darth Evader, and Adal, you're going to be Darth Evader's bully.

Uh-oh. Someone has a breathing problem.

I don't have a breath. Just let me pass, Chad.

No. You have to play Chad's game if you want to pass by me. Come on. Oh yeah? Come on, is that what you think? No, just please, Chad.

We have to do this every day.

I'm a bully, but I'm a young bully, so I don't always have comebacks. Sometimes I just say, oh yeah, what I don't know what else to do. Why do you keep breathing on your glasses and cleaning them?

They're so dirty. The doctor told me this would work to clean them. I can't see, Chad.

My name's Darthy Vader.

No, please. The teacher called me that one time because they read my name wrong. It's Darth Vader.

Darthy, Chad, do you have a hall pass? We're in space.

You always say that, teacher.

I do, because we are. Off to class, boys.

You don't want to see my hall pass. You want to go back to your home and rethink your life.

I don't want to see your hall pass. I want to go back to my home and see my whole life.

Dorothy, what are you doing? You can't get anything right.

Please, just let me get to my locker. Oh my, please.

It's BB8. I always do that. I think I did that before.

I do think if I had the capabilities, I would, because I think at some point I said Dorothy Vader, I would want to take the Wizard of Oz and put a filter anytime Dorothy talks through a Darth Vader voice changer. I think that'd be fun.

I think so.

There's no place like home.

You got it right, JBC. It's Terminator.

Aww.

Darth Evader is way funnier, but, uh, okay, ready?

Yes. Darth Evader.

So the plotting's a little bit awkward. At least Palpatine met his granddaughter. J.J. Abrams is back, and he's kind of a hack. So he called it a movie.

And he called it. This is one of the Star Wars movies?

This is Darth Evader, right?

Yeah, this is Darth Evader.

I know the answer to this because I literally was just talking about this today, and I'll give you a little backstory before I answer this. Mariah and I are rewatching, I am rewatching, she's watching for the first time, the Clone Wars animated series, which is very good.

I think it's like six or seven seasons, but it is very, very good. I've told, Matt Young has tried to get me to watch that for six years and every month I tell him I'm going to watch it and I haven't.

It's super great, but she went back and she this weekend turned on episode two attack of the clones because the Clone Wars series takes place right after episode two. Attack of the Clones. I watched a little bit of it, but I was also editing so I wasn't really watching. That movie is painful to watch. It has to be the worst Star Wars movie, hands down. And some people think that the ninth Star Wars movie, which is called The Rise of Skywalker, answer to this Riddle, is the worst Star Wars movie. But I gotta say, after sitting and passively watching Attack of the Clones this weekend, I would rather watch a 24-hour fucking Action-packed block of just the rise of Skywalker than see 10 minutes of Attack of the Clones. Hayden Christensen is the worst actor I think I've ever seen in my entire life.

Just the worst. Here's what I'll say. Because Hayden Christensen is bad. Jake Lloyd is bad. Natalie Portman is bad. I, at some point, have to blame the director. Cause they're all capable, I've seen them all in other movies, be good. So at some point, it's like Natalie Portman I'm sure was giving emotion and then the director was like, pull it back. Like have no emotion, be the most bland portrayal of a human you could possibly be. And that's how we got Queen Amidala.

The scripts too for that movie, the dialogue is awful. It's wooden, it's like Are you a angel?

It's episode one. But it's bad, it's really really bad. I want to see a scene. Erin, you went through a process where you had a clone made of you. Did you just let off a firework?

Yeah, I lit up a firework. Can you call everyone? I don't even know where to begin here.

I want to see a scene where you have made a clone of yourself because you thought that would be a good idea, but the clone is becoming more popular than you. The clone is kind of taking over, you know, kind of taking all your buzz and now you want to kill the clone. So this is your sort of attacking of your, of your clone.

Hey, Erin clone. Hey girl!

We'll have JPC be the clone, I'm sorry. No, I'm good.

Oh, okay, I'm on my own. Okay, and I'm alone. Hey Erin girl, I like your hair. Thanks, it's the same as yours, just a little bit better. I had a great day, how was your day? Well great Erin clone. Yeah, you know what? Erin and I had a thought. I think that we should start calling you Erin clone and me Erin original. Well that's kind of stupid. You're the clone and that makes no sense. Loser says what? What?

And this is where we find out that your clone also went and got cloned.

So I'm actually technically an original now, loser. What does that mean? Yeah, I'm here too. And the more you clone, the dumber you get. I'm not sure why you would brag about that. Don't talk to my clone that way. Wait, you two get along and then I don't get along with you? How does that work? It's cuz I am dumb. All right, well now that there's three of us I feel like it opens up a whole new like world of Halloween costume ideas. We could be like the people from Mean Girls, we could be Snap, Crackle, Pop. We're actually going as a duo and we're gonna kill you. How does this scene end? How do I get out of here?

I love Mean Girls, but it's just five errands. I could do that entire thing. Let's recap.

So you agree. You're also a clone named Erin. Whatever. I'm getting Erin fries.

Stop trying to make clone happen. So you had original Erin. You had extra crispy. You had spicy Erin. What were all the errands we had?

Sweet and Sour Ranch. Alright, for real. We're going back to the serious business.

Marty, we have to go back to the riddles.

Why are you a dog?

Your courage you'll all need to muster when your backpacks are fusion combustors and your job's fighting rates, if you have what it takes, then why not try and join the

Wraith Wraith, don't tell me. The Ghostbusters.

Did you say Waka Waka Weenie?

What if the Muppet, what if they did a Ghostbusters with Muppets? What was a Slimer? Slimer was a Muppet, right? Slimer was... Slimer had to have been a Jim Henson creation, right? No. Everything back then was a Jim Henson creation.

It didn't have special effects, my dear. Of course they needed Jim Henson.

The same for the most recent Ghostbusters. Kate McKinnon's a person. Everyone else is Muppets. That's how I'd break it down.

I want to see a scene. I'll be Kermit the Frog. Erin, you be Miss Piggy. GBC, is there any Muppet you prefer to do?

What does Gonzo's voice sound like?

I'm a ganzo. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

Nope

I guess you can count him out.

Um, count? I guess I've never heard you talk before. Do you? Do you have a sore throat? Yes.

I think there's a ghost inside there. Inside of him.

Ready? You think there's a ghost inside of me? Well, get it out.

Um, okay, well calm down and let's uh, oh, oh, I know how to get it out without hitting you with our lasers because that won't kill you.

Okay, I'll try anything.

Why are there so many ghosts in your throat?

I'm pooping. Ooh, wonderful.

Take that scene, shoot it into space, wait for a reply.

Right. Keanu is truly iconic, as this badass, not Johnny, mnemonic. Some villains he'll whack, and he's thinking he's back in the action-packed story of Titanic. You got it. It's John Wick. I know you know it. All right. I need to see a scene. You two are two Hollywood writers and you're trying to think of a new like franchise for Keanu Reeves to do after John Wick. That capitalizes on how much of a badass he is.

Okay, so Todd, let's kind of just have a brain sesh.

Yeah, brain sesh.

Good idea Mark. Good idea. Let's circle back. Why are we trying to reinvent the wheel when John Wick works so well? How about we do a reimagining and it's called Wick John and what happens is a dog's owner gets killed and then the dog goes after who killed his owner.

Um, Keanu won't do a dog voice. We've already asked him to, but that's okay. That's okay. I love where your head's at, but guess what? We already have ownership of so many properties that we haven't actually franchised yet.

More soush? You want some more soush? Oh yeah, absolutely. The gary is killer.

Oh, I love sushi. Would you like some more crab ragu?

Oh, that hit the spot right up the old nose hole.

And I am not surprised to see you two back in the emergency room, so we did a little look-see into your sinuses.

We can't afford cocaine.

It seems like you're putting some expensive sushi up here.

It's gas station sushi.

Oh, you know what? Well, I can't tell the difference from here. I'm a fun Hollywood doctor.

Who are the worst?

So we're gonna have to try to get that out. I'm just gonna tickle your noses and you should be able to sneeze them out.

You know what might get it... You know what might get it out? A little cocaine. Yeah, could you just maybe have a souchant of cocaine?

Please a prescription.

Please. Okay, alright, but only because we're in Hollywood and I'm a really cool doctor.

Yeah!

I'm Keanu Reeves, by the way.

My grandpa was the MGM Lion.

See, this is what I mean in Hollywood. You have to know someone in order to get a job. This motherfucker is getting... Do you have to deal because his grandpa is the MGM Lion?

I'm one of the Clinton cousins.

All right, last one. Then we'll go on a break.

These are great. Thank you. We were on a break.

Yeah, Erin is doing, Erin Damon Rush, you're great. Thank you. No, it's not something that you use on hair and the fans of this movie are quite rare, but JPC raves about Nicolas Cage and his hammy performance in

Face off. Face off.

They're jerks, Erin. Don't listen to them.

Calm air. Who was I just talking to? Oh, Rob White. Us. Rob White texted me like three days ago and he said him and his wife Megan who were both wonderful people and wonderful improvisers and he said we sat down to watch Face Off because Megan remembered how much she loved it and an hour into the film Megan turns to Rob and says at what point does he get on the plane? And Rob said, what are you talking about? She goes, I remember loving this movie, but I thought he got on the plane much sooner. And he goes, you're thinking of Con Air. And so they stopped watching it and switched to Con Air.

Honestly, they're both great, but Con Air, I got to say, takes the cake. Con Air a better film. I do love Con Air.

So good. Also, they make wonderful hair products and appliances. It's Quick Wraps from Conair. It's Quick Wraps from Conair.

I love when you do that so much.

Well I love when we take breaks so much. So why don't we take a quick break so I can get my fix and we'll be right back after these messages. Where's my fish? It's in my nose.

Oh my god, Adal, Erin, I feel like such a fool.

What happened?

What did we do? You know how we all thought that these ads were kind of a safe space to talk about, you know, what's going on in our lives and our problems and our issues and kind of talk through them? Well, it turns out these are being broadcast to thousands of people in the middle of our episodes.

Yeah, you're talking into a microphone.

Wait, is that why we're getting paid for these? I know, I'm just as surprised as you guys, but I have landed on something revolutionary that is going to help us out of this pickle that we all find ourselves in and we're all in the same situation.

You know what?

See, I was about to recommend better help, but if you found something... I was about to launch into how I love pickles, because this is an opportunity for me to just rant and rave about what I like. Well, okay. Wait, Erin, what's better help? Oh, do you want to hear about Bradley Better Help Pickers?

No, I don't want to hear about your pickle theory. Why did I say pickles like that? From the South? I don't know.

Well, thank God I'm here because let me tell you about what my thing is and that is Better Help. It's not a crisis line. It's not self-help. It's professional counseling done securely online. This is my favorite kind of way to get therapy because you can send a message to your counselor anytime and they're professionals And it's awesome and you don't have to do that performative one hour of therapy every week that stressed me the heck out. It's more affordable than traditional offline counseling and financial aid is available.

And BetterHelp will help you with things like, you know, is there something interfering with your happiness, JPC? Is there something preventing you from achieving your goals, JPC? Sorry, I'm mentioning just what's affecting my happiness and affecting me from achieving my goals.

Yeah, and so with better help, not like our ads that go out to thousands of people, everything that you share is confidential, it's convenient, it's professional, and it's affordable, right?

Yeah, and you can start communicating in under 48 hours. That's less than an Eddie Murphy movie.

And it's available worldwide.

Okay, so you're saying that we want people to start living a happier life. And as a listener of our show, you can get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at betterhelp.com slash riddle.

JPC, no 10%.

That's too much. I don't make the rules. I think that they should join over 1 million people who have taken charge of their mental health. Again, that's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash riddle. This is way better than the idea I was going to pitch.

What were you going to say?

I was going to say whisper ads. We just whisper all the ads, so then we can hear the ads if we whisper all the ads.

Okay, I say this every day, but thank God I'm here. What would happen if I wasn't here, everybody?

Oh wait, GBC. Stop whispering. All these birds started landing on you. The birds are my friends.

What happened? What if I wasn't here?

Hey Adal, you got a little something like your nose. It looks like half of a full fish just like coming out of your nose.

How do you know it's half of a full fish and not just the bottom half of a fish?

Because Erin is an optimist. The fish is always falling off your nose.

Fish is half empty. Oh, God. Okay. Well, we are back to some listener-submitted riddles. Those first ones are from Erin. Thank you so much, Erin. And these are from Scott from Nova Scotia, Canada.

Oh, Nova Scotia. We're going to call you Nova Scotia, and there's nothing that you could do about it. Yeah, I was like, Scott, Nova Scotia?

Nova Scotia. And of green gabbles.

So, are we talking about Anne of Green Gables?

Erin's had this complete 180 whip around when she heard you say Anne of Green Gables.

Yeah, it's unfortunate it wasn't a 360 because now she's talking behind her.

I could talk about it all day. Okay, here we go. These are from Scott from Nova Scotia.

Nova Scotia.

Scott wrote some original riddles for us that are really cool and very unique, so let's get into them.

I'll be the judge of that, Scott.

The following riddles are two line rhymes that hint towards the answer. But the special part of these riddles is that the answers will all have your names in the answer word. As in the answer will contain all the letters of your first name in the proper order like your name, but hidden throughout.

I know. This is a riddle doctor and they are blowing my mind.

Yeah, and they're about to find some sushi up your nose. So, this sounds more complicated than it actually is. So, for example, with the name Erin, which is my name, an answer could be... Brag. ...bearing because of B-E-A-R-I-N-G. Thank you for... B-R-I-N, all showing up in the right order.

Got it. Right order, but they could have other letters in between them.

Yes. And I think... That they're all one word for the most part.

Will we know the person that is the subject matter of the Riddle answer? Like will we know it's an Aaron, John, or Adal?

Well, it's up to you. I think we should. I think it makes it a little bit easier. So I'm going to, if that works for you guys, but it's up to you.

Let me check with my schedule. Let me check with the fish up my nose. Tuesday, nothing. Wednesday, nothing. Okay, water, water, water. Please help me water, put me back in water. I'm all clear. I can definitely do that. I'm good. I can make it work. That's what you said to the fish?

Hey, let me check my schedule. All right, I have time to do this too. And the fish up my nose doesn't need any water, so I'm good to go. All right.

It's a fish up my nose.

All right, let's start with Adal's name, shall we?

Shall we? Adolescent. Nope. Fiddle Adal. Fiddle Faddle.

Don't just guess. An elderly man who stops you from passing. Adal.

I'm sure you've seen the movies. That's what he's describing me.

I won't bother asking. An elderly man who stops you from passing. I'm sure you've seen the movies. I won't bother asking.

Okay. An elderly man who won't let you pass. This sounds like the game Monopoly, but we're told it's a movie. What movie has an elderly man who won't let you pass? Maybe this is like a teacher.

I like to solve the puzzle for a million dollars.

Yes. JPC. And let me see what I can find on my desk.

You shall not pass! The answer is of course... Oh god, I forgot the name of the rings. What's the name of the rings? A ballrog? A ballrog.

No, what's the name of the old man? Gandalf.

Gandalf. G-A-N-D-A.

F. I would be a terrible cheerleader.

That's mind blowing. I never realized Adal was in the word Gandalf. That's exciting and outstanding. And John is in the word Balrog. Balrog. I think Balrog was also like a Street Fighter character.

Amen. Yeah, it was that fire demon as a playable Street Fighter character. He whipped ass. He fucking ripped K to the half.

Anytime I played Street Fighter, I was always pippin' and I would get fucking owned.

From the musical?

Yeah, he'd just sit in the corner and sing a song about circus ass.

He was playing Scotty Pippen.

I want to see Pippen from Lord of the Rings doing circus acts and singing while wearing the number 33.

Well someone just immediately picked up their colored pencils and I'm like alright well I guess this is what I'm doing today.

Okay wait what do you think? Would Pippen from Lord of the Rings make a better dream team basketball player or would Scotty Pippen make a better Hobbit?

I'd like to see both. Alright, a politician's word for crazy or a surfer's word for sweet. I prefer the surfer's way, the waves are hard to beat.

Tubular.

Yeah, your name is in the word tubular, so that works great.

T-U-J-P-C-L-A-R. Calabunga Adal?

Yep, this is still your name.

Calabunga. C-A.

Calabunga. C-A.

I like my cow's bungas and I like my radicals new.

I would actually like to see a scene really quick. Okay. Yeah, you two are surfers, but you are like both new to it, but you think the other one's sort of an authentic surfer, so you're trying to fit in and be cool and say all the right words.

Oh, man. I'm so freaking stoked to hit these gnarly waves. Karamunga, my brother. Right. Surf's down.

I can't wait to get out there and absolutely sheet on these lettuce sticks.

Yeah, I'm going to skid all over this salt soda.

I can't wait to paddle out on my thin stick and really crunch up those waverinos.

Yeah, I'm going to hop on this booger plank and just fucking upright and downside.

And we're both on the same page. We're surfers. We're about to get in this splish splash and take a bath sauce.

That's right. Gonna jellyfish my dick into eternity.

Uh, hey, yeah, I'm just a shark in the water, but... You two don't smell like authentic surfers, my guys.

Uh, we're mooly authentico. Do you want to taste some of our blood so we can pray of it?

Would a non-authentic surfer know the surfer keyword? Tangular.

Yeah, if we're not surfers, why are we wearing parkas?

You two are business dudes who just recently quit. I can smell it a mile away. Surf's up, my guys. I never stop swimming.

I am in a wet suit.

All right. If you're having trouble with the quiz, I've got something for you, buddy. Take this pill and swallow it. It'll surely help you study. Fly me to the moon. I don't know why I started saying it like that.

That would be Adderall. Is that a crooner who's selling you drugs? Well, I want to see you see. Adal, you're going to be this town's first drug dealing crooner.

Okay.

Hey man.

Hey you want to do a drug deal? Hachimama.

Stop, stop, stop. I'm sorry, I'm trying to get some sushi cocaine.

Take away your pain. Do a snort cocaine.

You're being so slow.

Everybody knows you're buying drugs. A-cha.

Sir, do you need to have that microphone? I'm just trying to get some sushi cocaine.

What's your name, little lady? Where are you from?

Are you doing crowd work with me? Yeah. My name is, you can call me Marissa, and I'm from somewhere.

Marissa, I want to kiss ya, but first...

Here's some heroin. No, I didn't even ask for heroin. Can I just have some sushi cocaine to go, please? And please be like more discreet.

I wish, I wish I could snort a little fish. I'm doing some aquarium lines, oh a child. Okay, well the acoustics... I fell on my head and now I can only sing like this.

Yeah, and the acoustics in this alley are amazing, and I wish you all the best, but can I just...?

I wish you fenton all the best. Drag his ass.

Alright, we're getting caught and arrested right now, and I am not surprised. I should have put this... Take me straight to jail.

I will burn in hell. I love this guy. I could do this all day. Yep, that's me. Johnny Blue Eyes. See? All blue pills.

A puppy, a kitten, a kid, a fawn, or anything that's cute. If small and precious and oh so sweet, this word will always suit.

Adorable. Adorable.

A, you're adorable. B, you're so beatiful. C, you're the apple of my eye. I don't think I know that song.

A is for the Adderall I take. C, you're the apple of my eye. I don't know. A crabapple?

Am I a crabapple? I don't know much, JPC. I do know that it's 8.43 p.m. and I'm tired.

Okay, the next one is Mrs. Kerbapple supposed to be Mrs. Crabapple?

I don't know, man.

Something to think about.

Okay, so this next one is still the last Adal one. Are you ready?

Yes, I'm ready.

Do you watch The Office? If not, I won't make ya. If you do, you'll see Michael at this resort in Jamaica.

Scandals! Is it sandals? I think it's sandals, yeah.

Can I call you sandals?

Sure.

Thank you. All right.

That was great. Thank you Kevin. It's no Steve.

Well, you can call anyone Kevin and it works for the show, which is the best part about what we've done.

I feel like I'm back at my high school reunion.

Steve, Scott, Kevin? Glenn, Tommy? Wait, this is just a chair wearing a name tag.

I should have went back to my own high school. What are we guessing, my cousins? What's going on here?

Shit, I should have gone to my high school reunion, huh? That would have made things easier. For this to exist... Oh, sorry, I should say. These are JPC's names.

These are JPC's names.

You get it. For this to exist, tech needs some improvement. Strap this on your back for some much faster movement.

Jump pack.

Jump pack?

Jump pack.

What is that?

No, Erin, jump back. There's a spider in front of you. Honey, if you have to ask, you can't afford it.

Oh no. I'm poor. I'm so poor. I can't afford a jump pack.

Poor girl who doesn't have a jump pack.

What am I supposed to do at weddings when they play jump around? Everyone will be jumping towards the ceiling.

I love going to a store and being like, how much is this cineburst? If you have to ask, honey, you can't afford it.

Shorted.

Surely, I can.

You know it, right?

Oh, no, I don't. I wasn't even listening.

You got it.

Jump pack? Jump.

Well, not jump, but something pack.

Jet pack.

Yeah, jet pack.

Oh, jet pack. Jet packsy.

Mm-hmm.

Jet packsy.

If it's a horror movie that you are seeing, these quick surprises might have you squealing.

Mm. Pig. Flash fuck.

Oh, okay. That is a horror movie to me. There is no two words I want further away from each other in a sentence than pig and surprise.

That's true.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I know the answer if JPC wants any help or to pass.

And I know the answer as well. So if Adal, you want any help, why don't you say the first part and I'll say the second part?

The first part might as well jump. Pig fight.

Yep, it's jump, pig fight.

Jumpscare. Jump chef, snap out of it.

A road trip with friends you leave tonight. You'll use this slang word if the car is filled too tight.

What are we, a fucking clown car?

Oh, I get it because I'm a clown. So that's your little funny joke. It's clown cars the answer because you think I'm a clown. Well, I got news for you, Kevin, whose name I do remember, and now I'm just being belligerent. This is a name for a car? If it's back too tight?

Oh, yeah.

So, yeah.

You said a word that was going to help you because I said if the car is filled too tight.

Sardine. Packed like a tin of sardines.

Yeah, your name's all over sardines. You said something, you said a word that I didn't use.

Me or JPC?

You did. At all.

Mmm. Clown?

I always forget that you guys can't tell I'm not looking directly at you when I'm looking at you.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. Is this like a hyphenated word?

Yeah, kind of.

I know it, I know it, I know it. Yes, yes. cul-de-sac? It's cul-de-sac. The C is the beginning of my name. It's like, if you listen to the last episode, it's like, don't, oh, I fucking quit.

I quit. Fuck you too.

We're like a bunch of cul-de-sacs in the back of this car. I'm a new friend who's going to ruin the trip.

Casey, enter the sound effect of the MGM line roaring now. What if I get jam-packed in here like a couple of cul-de-sacs?

Yep, you got it jam-packed. There's only three for you.

There's four for us. Are you fucking kidding me? Write another one, Kevin.

If you don't have four, you can't afford them.

Damn it. If the shoe quits, fire it. Do I only have three because I have three letters and you and Adal have four because you have four letters? Yep. Fuck. Yep. Mm-hmm.

I've always said out of all the podcasts, out of all the podcasts... Look.

There's New York, and there's LA, and those are the two podcoasts. Okay, we are not either one. We're in the middle of the country.

I'm not even on a podcoast.

I would totally hit this podcoast and just starve up and down. Out of all the podcast hosts, the three of us have the least amount of letters in our combined names.

That has to be true. No one looking up. No one looking up. A piece of metal threw a hole in your body. Don't get one it clares. They'll put it in shoddy.

Shawty, let me put a piercing in you, Shawty.

Go Shawty. It's a Claire's hair. We're going to pierce your ears in the Claire's hair.

Pearson.

Yeah, but not a piercing, but what do you put in a piercing?

Neosporin.

Yep, you put neosporin in.

Do you guys, um, sorry, um, Claire, Claire, do you mind holding down, huh? Do you guys mind holding down Bronson? I'm about to pierce him.

You guys, I think Neosporin might work.

Wait, isn't, I'm, no, hold on it. Dad, stop. I don't want to give free publicity to fucking Casey Tony's podcast. Yeah, it does. Neosporin works, Erin. That's one. Stop saying that word. We're not, we're not promoting Casey's podcast.

Oh man, you have to listen to Tuck Wizard on Neosporin. I love it.

Holy shit, Neosporin technically works. My name's in there, but that's not the one that Scott sent.

And Happy Neosporin Friday to all of you Sporos out there.

Also, I'm getting fully called out here because I got my ears pierced at Claire's and I ended up okay, right? I don't get sick any time.

You have Claire's disease.

I don't get sick at the drop of a hat. You know it. What goes into piercing?

When somebody drops their hat, you barf. Who dropped this hat full of sickness?

All over the floor. What goes into a piercing? A stud.

No, come on. We wear them in your ears.

A jeweled piece of crap. A ring. Oh, an earring.

There you go. A jeweled piece of crap.

This earring has JPC in it?

No, it is. We got to my name, remember?

Oh, I was so confused.

That's what happened. All right. A leader?

I want to see a scene.

Okay, yeah, go ahead.

Your name's Zach too? No, that's why I'm so fucking confused.

I want to see a scene. Erin, you are the main piercer at Claire's. JPC, you are a nervous teen getting their ear pierced for the first time, and Erin, you're trying to sort of assuage JPC's fears.

Hey, welcome to Claire's. What do you want in Pierce?

Just my ear. Just my left and my right.

Which one's left and which one's right?

Just both earlobes. So in any order.

Awesome. I'm FaceTiming my boyfriend. He lives in Oklahoma while we do this.

We're in Oklahoma. Can I ask you a question?

Yeah.

We all live here. Can I ask you a question? You have so many piercings. Does it hurt?

Sure. Um, so I normally get pretty drunk before my shift and do it to myself. So you're asking the wrong gal. Um, on the count of 20?

Wait, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait. Do you have any advice for a first timer? I'm a little, I'm a little nervous.

I'd say try to see if you could be in love before the first time. That really helps and that's really nice. Make sure you trust them. You're educated on sex stuff.

I'm not at all. Can I be honest with you? Will there be a lot of blood? Because when I see blood, it makes me sick to my stomach.

Sorry, I am FaceTiming my boyfriend. What do you mean you want to break up? Maybe.

Oh what a beautiful breakup. Oh what a beautiful end. I'm sleeping with somebody else. I healed my time. When I was 11 my parents were killed in front of me.

Yeah, so when I see blood now, it just makes me kind of crazy.

19, 18, 17, 16... Are these yours? What's going on? 16, 17, 18, 19, 20. Wait, wait, wait, wait! Cowabunga serves up!

See?

Kadoink, kadoink! Your ears are pierced, no blood. That's my lid!

Keep your little kids on the nose. Seen. And that was Batman's origin story. When I want my ears pierced, I go to Claire's and when I'm going clear, I join Scientology.

Honestly, that made me go like, hey, women are going to be the people you trust because I trust the 15 year old girls at Claire's who pierced my ears more than I trust most doctors. They really had their shit together.

Fair enough. Because they would listen to you and they would listen to you when you described your pain threshold.

Oh yeah. They wouldn't go, you don't feel pain.

Yeah, well, we get a lot of people in here that tell us that they feel pain, but we're doctors. We're better. And we never make mistakes.

I've been seeing so much stuff on the internet. It's pretty universal that, like, a lot of people who have male OBGYNs have been told by them that period pain isn't that bad. They're like, actually, having your period is not bad. It's not painful at all. And you're like,

It's like doing a little fart after a big steak dinner.

Something me and my Cadillac know something about. Listen, I'm a doctor. The cadavers never scream when I cut them.

Any hoodle.

I'm sorry, you're a cadaver? O-G-Y-N? Your job is not necessary.

Right.

O-G-B by then. It didn't come out the way I wanted it to.

This one might be tricky, ready? Add an H to your name and it becomes Heron. What is hair made from to keep it from Taran?

Theramans. Theramans. Can you imagine if your hair was made of Theramans? What a musical haircut.

This is a really fun thought experiment. Thank you, Adal. I'm gonna think about that.

You're welcome. I'm just glad you're both witness to me losing my mind.

No, you're perfect.

What is hair made of that makes it... You can get like a treatment of this. Retinol. Like a script?

No.

You can get a treatment of follicle.

Follicle. That's what I said. Hold on.

My favorite musical.

I get so excited because I said that.

It's like a protein in your hair. Did you know that rhino's horns are made of hair? That's fucked. Cartilage.

No. You can get like a treatment of it.

Erin, I don't think I know this. Can you give me, what does the word start with? K.

Carrotine. Is it Carrotine? Sorry, I'm sorry. I was holding up a picture of the new comic book character I've created. His name is Carrotine, and he has the best vision of any teenager. Now what does he do with this? He fights He got bit by a carrot. Ow! I was feeding my rabbit, and I think the carrot bit me?

Yeah, I think it's I can't I don't know if it's Carrotine or Carrotine. Carrotine Carrotine. Either way you got it.

Either way we're moving on to points on the board.

Well again his name is Carrotine and coming back from the Opera his parents were shot in an alley. Now shot with a dose of Carrotine making them stronger so they never die. This superhero has no complaints.

No, I love it. I think that you're gonna make a million dollars.

I think my number one complaint is Sunday dinner with my parents. I'm 42. Let me live my own life. You're living forever. What do you care?

I'm 42. Carrot-teen.

All right, this is the last one. This one's a little dirty, so if you're with someone who isn't a grown-up who likes dirty things, skip ahead.

Hold their hand. Oh.

Nope. If a teenage boy is behind a door with a lock, there's a pretty good chance he's doing this with his wiener. Mast, Erin, baiting.

Is Erin's name in masturbating?

It's the more like crass

Jacking Erin.

The other one that's sort of similar to that.

Oh, jerking in like what hackers do.

Yeah, me and the wife are just gonna jerk in tonight.

I'm jerking into the net.

Maybe get some takeout, jerk in. You get it. Merry life. Thank you Scott from Nova Scotia, Canada. Jerking off. Jerking.

Me and my wife are so comfortable around each other, we just sit on the couch, stare at each other, and jerk off.

And then Scott said that he liked the Riddle City new art. So thank you so much for listening, Scott.

Oh, Scott, you're fucking so smart you like the most popular episodes. How about naming some deep cuts, Scott? What are we doing? What are we doing with this guy? We're letting him say, oh yeah, I really liked Avengers Endgame. Yeah, all the fucking characters we're in, Scott. Motherfucking bullshit with this guy.

Some people just like the best stuff. You can't do another second of a Riddle podcast.

It might be fun to rewatch Age of Ultron, Adal's Sherlock episode.

Oh, that was a good one. I liked that because we did ads in it. It was crazy. That was fun. That was like a hard one for my brain, but I remember enjoying it.

Hey, and maybe occasionally it'd be fun to pop into Thor 2, The Dark World. Pretty much any of J.P.C. 's episodes, you're equally little about all of them.

That's the worst of all the... I'd say, okay, if our episodes were each an Avenger, which Avenger would they be?

Mine would be Jubilee.

Mine would be the Mandalorian because all of my good ones are behind a paywall.

You have some like all-star patreon episodes. I would say all my episodes are Hawkeye. Mostly you're sort of there in the background there to support bones and arrows.

Mine are the Edward Norton Hulk. They have no place in the current world.

No, no, no.

Mine are like the middle Wolverine movies. If you hit Logan, you've got too far.

JBC, yours are Iron Man, Adal. Yours are just the third Thor.

Can I just say Marvel, if you're listening, I have a few pitches.

Yours are Guardians of the Galaxy.

Marvel, please let me write a storyline for you. I can write Carrot Teen. I can write Wolver Teen. I have an idea for a Nightcrawler story and it's called The Teleportance of Being Earnest. Marvel, please let me write a story for your comics.

Didn't you say that you had one that was a superhero who was a circle and their origin story was they got slightly melted and now they're oval-teen?

That's right. His name is Ovaltine. He's a chocolaty mess, but he has vitamins.

We think, we think. Speaking of vitamins, when I take vitamins in the morning, I don't shit all day, which plug me up something fierce. Erin, do you have anything that you would like to plug in shit you want to talk about?

Yes. I would say I think that Ovaltine would be a really good nemesis for caratine.

That's true. Yeah.

Or yeah, there's something there. Follow me, Erin Keif 10, on Instagram. GBC is just the week that I... Yeah, absolutely. Cool. And then I have some fun news. I got to be on the Bill Buds podcast and I had the best time ever. I talked about the fun album, Aim and Ignite. It was truly... So exhilarating to talk about music on a podcast and I had never really met or talked to Johnny before and I there was a time where the episode ended and him and I just talked about the Beatles longingly and I thought we have to have brunch! Poor JPC is witnessing! Us trying to have brunch and talk about the Beatles. It is such a delightful podcast. I've been listening to it so much. I check out the Arnie Parrott episode where you talk about Miley Cyrus. It's amazing. I had the best time. And please go check out the Bill Buds podcast. It's amazing.

And if you're listening to this on the day that this episode comes out, your episode comes out next Monday. So it's like, what, four days until yours comes out. But yeah.

But I can't wait.

Be on the lookout. Obviously you can listen to the Bill Buds popcast. You can also follow me on Twitch, Twitch.tv slash sharkbarkman. That's where I'm at Monday through Friday. Doing my fucking bullshit. Adal, anything to plug?

I'm going to keep plugging it while all episodes are coming out. Please check out Hey Tavern Tavern over on Stitcher Premium. It's a Magic Tavern spinoff with myself, Erin, and JPC playing characters in Foon solving relationship questions for Foonish citizens. You can use the code MAGIC to get a free month of Stitcher, so use that wisely and check it out. We had a blast doing it.

I'm actually also running a Stitcher promotion right now for you to also receive free access to Stitcher. It is a guess my password Stitcher promotion. So just try to guess my username, try to guess my password, and you can have access to everything on Stitcher Premium. Good luck to all the people participating.

I have a guess at your password.

Please.

Jupiter Boobs.

Buy forever? Boobs forever.

Boobs Jupiter?

That's my username.

Oh, okay.

Boop-boop-eter? John Patrick Coan on it.

Casey Toney did the editing.

Hey there girls and scouts. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. It's this day in improv history. You can listen to that, plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash hey riddle riddle by joining the Clue crew for $5 a month or the Review crew for $8 a month. See you there! That was a hate gun podcast.