Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

I've done it. I've done it. JPC, Erin, come close. I've done it. I've built him. How did you get in? Okay. What did you build? I've built Valentine's Monster. It's me, Adal Valentine, and I've built Valentine's Monster.

I just need, instead of electricity, it needs to be powered by... Sorry, I'm just coming down the stairs with my Mojito. What did I miss?

Erin, I've built it. I've built Valentine's Monster. It's powered by love, so I need you and JPC to kiss.

I don't mean to quibble, but I think that you're Valentine's Monster, and that is Valentine. People always get this wrong, but the monster is just Valentine's. Oh, then why am I talking like this?

If I went through all the trouble to talk like this, which is normal than how I usually talk, why am I the monster?

I don't know. You know, maybe it's your personality?

Is it because I pick all the caramel corn out of the caramel cheddar plain popcorn mix? What?

I'm so sorry. It's gonna be way easier if we just ask Barry Shelley what's right and what's wrong, okay?

Let's get Barry on the phone. Yeah, she's actually here. She made me a mojito. Barry's upstairs? Yeah.

Barry with an eye?

Yeah, Barry with an eye.

Oh, here she comes downstairs right now. Hey Barry.

Yeah, hey Barry. What's up? Y'all want a mojito?

I'm Adal Rifai. I'm JPC.

And stop telling me in my Instagram messages that I should kiss Adal or JPC. I'm never gonna kiss either of them. Stop shipping us. Stop. You're gonna ship anyone? Ship Adal and Casey? Because that's the classiest ship you can ship on

We are going to make it the Riddle House. Now what that means is that if you enter this house you are part of the Riddle Club, you are a Riddle Membership member, and two weeks out of the year the three of us are going to go live in this house, we're going to crank out some riddles, we're going to write up a bunch of jokes and riddles, and record the whole year's episodes, and that's what's going to happen.

Yeah, it would be like a secret adventurer society. Like in the series of unfortunate events that volunteer fire department group and they were all very cool and adventury. But we're gonna do that and this is definitely not one of Adal's empty promises. He's for sure gonna buy me a rundown house for $2,500 and it's gonna be great. So if you go to Syracuse, I'm about to be your neighbor.

I just googled where Syracuse is and I am out.

No, why? Too cold?

Thank you. Too cold? No, it's not a temperature thing. You didn't know where Syracuse was? Well, where in relation to New York it is because New York is so big and I didn't know if it was like, for some reason I thought it was like closer to Buffalo, which I guess it kind of is. It's not really.

Have you ever heard the old timey song Syracuse Gal? Syracuse Gal, aren't you chilly tonight?

I will tell you. Adal, that's nothing.

Why do you say that? We have to edit. Every episode you've heard of Hey Riddle Riddle, we've had to edit Erin saying that after everything I do and say.

I want to say this though, I want to say this. Now, if we are looking to move to the Syracuse area, which I'm not opposed to, because again, it's not about the weather.

That's what a French detective would say is, Syracuse!

That is something.

I'm going to give you some other options of it. These are maybe towns near that area that we could live, okay? And you guys have to pick the one that you would like. Okay. Option number one. Yes. Baldwinville. I assume that's like Baldwinville.

Baldwinville.

That's where Alec and all those folks live? Yeah, they turned out the Baldwin so it can't have that good of schools. Option number two. Weedsport.

Okay, Google the schools.

Oh, I'm sure they have a high school. Are you going back to school, Erin?

No, for our kids, our collective children.

What if we, okay, here's what we do.

A baby.

Listeners, and JPC, I'm going to let you finish. Listeners.

I have my fingers up so I know which count I'm on.

In our Twitter DMs or email, hrrpodcast.gmail.com or Instagram DMs, send us a house in whatever area of the US you think we should buy a riddle house.

It has to be less than $5,000.

This is going to happen. We are going to buy a riddle house. And you get like an ownership membership or something because you helped us find it. A finder's fee. But wait, hold on. We charge you because you found it. Yes. We need to find out where in the world we're going to live. And then, Erin, you have to pose as a teenager at the local high school for one year.

Okay, am I allowed to fall in love with a teacher?

As long as it's like a coach or a teacher.

Okay. I don't want to do that.

Are you guys ready? Are you guys ready for your next options? You have more options. So you've got Baldwin'sville, Weedsport. You also have Mexico.

Okay.

Cleveland, and this was my favorite, Cincinatus. These are all cities in New York?

C-I-N-A-T-U-S. Cincinatus.

It's not Cincinnati, and it would never be confused with.

I love their five-way chile. They have such skyline chile.

Oh, I like that. That's something. Okay, well, JPC, like, you have the Google, like, what town has the best reputation? Does one of the towns have a cute little park we can walk around?

Yeah, which town has the best dogs?

I will say it looks like the answer to all of those questions is Mexico, New York. So we are moving to Mexico, New York. We're going to go to Mexico High School, Mexico Liquor, Stefano's Mexico. I don't know what that would be.

Stefano's Liquor has some of the best liquor in the world. It's got everything.

Oh, I get it. Erin, they have Mexico Elementary School, Mexico High School, so we got schools covered. There's the Harder Funeral Home there.

I assume most towns have schools. How are the schools?

Welcome to Harder Funeral Home. The harder they fall, the quicker they're dead.

Alright, well we're kind of up a creek without a paddle right now because the least expensive home I can find in Mexico, New York is $59,000 and we can't.

We don't have that.

We can buy land.

When you say up a creek without a paddle, do you mean Black Creek, which is going by the Lighthouse Mexico Church?

Exactly.

So send us an email, send us a DM, or tweet at us and we'll say, what do we want to call the hashtag? Hashtag Riddle House? Hashtag Riddle House, yes. Hashtag Riddle House. Send us Zillow listings, send us whatever listing or house.

But it can't be land. It has to be a real house for under $5,000.

We will consider ranches or cabins.

Yes. And I think what Erin was trying to say is it can't be on land. So we're talking about houses on the back of trucks. We're talking about sky castles. We're talking about Atlantis type things under lakes.

Atlantis type things?

Do you think we have the bandwidth, the personalities, or the work ethic to be able to maintain a ranch?

That's fair.

Houses for less.

We could raise dead horses.

Adal told me once that he wanted to be a ranch hand, and I asked him what he thought that meant, and he thought that... And I dipped my hand in a bowl of ranch.

Dorito dust all over his hand. Delicious. If you dipped Cool Ranch Doritos in ranch, I bet that's fucking spectacular. Sure. Why wouldn't it be? Those are great things. Try it out. This little pro tip from your chef friend Adal.

And if you tried that out and you like it, let us know about it. Hashtag Riddle House. That'll be the hashtag we'll just use all year. We'll just keep that one running all year. So for whatever things we run, it'll be that hashtag.

It sounds like a reality show. Well, happy early Valentine's Day to everyone out there. We hope that you're having the most wonderful, lovely time. Love-filled time, actually. And then happy early Presidents Day. And that goes out to all 45 presidents who have ever been nominated.

Well actually, that's different from Presidents Day. That's early Presidents Day. And so that is just a day for like the first 15 presidents. So sorry Tyler. Sorry Pierce Monroe.

Why didn't you start at the beginning with things that you know? Why wouldn't you immediately say George Washington, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson? No, no. James Madison, John Quincy Adams, Andrew Jackson, what are we doing?

I want to say Stellan Skarsgard.

No, no. Stellan Skarsgard was our 38th president.

No, that was Spiro Agnew.

Okay.

They shared. They shared. Well, let's go ahead. We're going to get into our riddles.

We have to with us.

We're going to get into our puzzies because we're... Okay, I'll close my Google.

But I think I found a house in Arizona for us for $3,000.

Ooh, actually, I mean, Gemma and I want to retire in the Southwest because we went to New Mexico and fell in love. So Arizona, New Mexico, we love that area. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. At the end of the day, let's go.

At the end of the day, I might go to bed. Adal, you're like what? Like three years past retirement age anyway? So maybe it is time to get that place in Arizona.

Keep it together, Adal. Be professional. Fuck you, JPC.

Sorry, I'm just coming down the stairs with my Mojito.

What did I miss? Very chilly. Erin, you fell down the stairs Mojito first.

Well, if that was true, would I still have half of it in my cup?

Okay, here's some quick warm-ups. We're just going to do some jingles and slogans. So I'm going to give you the first half of the jingler slogan. You're going to complete it and let me know what it's for.

I love it. Let's do it.

Okay. So these should be fairly easy just to kind of warm up our brains. First one is melt in your mouth. What to do with this?

I know the real answer, but what's the joke answer that will fit best? Melt in your mouth, not in your butt.

And that's for sexy ice cubes? Sexy ice cubes.

Melt in your mouth, not in...

Erin's sipping her mojito.

I'm still sprawled out at the bottom of the staircase.

She's clearly concussed.

When I was a kid, my dad had a friend, God, what was his name? Ron. And Ron lived in Florida, and he was up visiting, and we had a bowl of Skittles out, and he tasted some, and he said, these are the worst damn M&Ms I ever had. And he thought that they were like some sort of offshoot of M&Ms like a... Chewy M&Ms. Chewy specialty M&Ms.

That's what an alien would say.

Or a poor person from Florida.

I want to see a scene based on a melt in your mouth not in your butt. I want to see the scene. The two of you are, this will be our first Valentine's Day scene. The two of you are a couple. It's Valentine's Day. You're trying something new and adventurous, and one of you or both of you are introducing food items into the bedroom that aren't typically associated with fun or sex.

Okay babe, I think this is great. The therapist told us to spice things up, so I think let's get down to it. What did you bring?

So, um, you know, Sheila told us that we needed to spice things up. I took her at her word. I have some cumin.

What's that?

I hid it throughout my body. So I'm a hairy, hairy man. And I guess as the activities of tonight go forth, you may find some cumin and just taste and sniff or, you know, ingest as best you can.

I know the light's a little dark in here, but babe, it's sort of at first glance, sort of like first impressions here. I think you might be allergic to cumin.

Yeah, so I bought too much. That's the first thing. The second thing is I did not have any portion control and it kind of just, it's little tiny pieces and it just blew up as soon as it came out of the package. And yes, I do think I have a rash from it.

Well, maybe my thing can help. Oh, okay. You know those rotisserie chickens you can get at Jewel that are like $7 on Mondays? I do know. Well, I didn't go on a Monday, I went on a Tuesday, so I had to sort of dumpster dive. So these rotisserie chickens expired yesterday, but I think they're still good.

Okay, so what is a sort of dumpster dive? Is that just a straight up dumpster dive?

It only counts as a full one if your full body goes in, but if it's just torso?

If it's arms and legs only and someone's holding my midsection outside of the dumpster like a claw game?

It's sort of.

Cumin in my hands, not in my mouth.

M&Ms.

That is correct, melt in your mouth, not in your hands, M&Ms. How about we'll leave the

We'll leave the, we'll leave so you can be alone. We'll leave the, the cooking to the experts.

We'll leave, oh, we'll leave the country Obama. We'll leave the, Oh, oh, oh, this is like, um, this is like, uh, oh, this is an end. This is like, uh... We'll leave the light on. We'll leave the light on.

We'll leave the light on for you. Holiday and days in.

Howard. Motel.

Motel 6. 6. Shame about what happened to Motel 5.

Well, Motel 6, you are wasting a lot of electricity. Turn that light off. I'd like to see a scene. Erin, that's something. That's something. I would like to see a scene. Sure. Adal, you're checking into a motel. You were driving all night, and you're sort of just checking into the first place you see once you get tired. And JBC, you're about to give him some maybe bad news at the front desk about the little quirks of the hotel.

Sure.

Oh my god, I'm so happy that you have a room. That's wonderful. You know, I saw the neon sign and I thought clown smile in. That can't be great, but you know what? Bigger can't be choosing this. Yeah, better than great. And you're in the full regalia and everything. Did you go to clown college or did you just dress like one?

We don't have a clown college, but we do have a clown high school just down the road. So I graduated from clown high school, went into clown trade school, two year program. You would like a room?

Yes, whatever room you have.

Okay. Well, we only have the one left. And are you going to be paying by the minute, by the hour, or do you want like a, God forbid, a whole evening in the room?

Well, yeah, I'm driving, so I definitely get a full eight, and then I'll probably want to relax and shower and all that stuff.

Okay, I could call in some extra clowns to see if we could squeeze eight into the room with you, but would you be okay with just the standard two?

Oh no, I'm sorry. I just, it's just me and I want to be in the room alone.

I understand.

No funny business, no funny business.

At the clown smile end, there will be two hidden clowns in every room. That's one of our guarantees. And if it's a privacy thing, Okay. You won't see them. They won't bother you. You can look for them. You will not find these things.

Well, I mean, just looking around the lobby, I do see there's clearly behind your desk there. There's clearly what's a very, very tall clown with just a lampshade on his head. Reggie, he spotted you.

You won't put $20 in the jar.

Oh no, $20 in the jar. I really thought I got a good... You're clever, sir.

You're clever, sir. What do you do for a living?

Well, I am... Is that sort of an investigator? No, I'm a journalist. I write about my time on the road, and so I go city to city.

So a journalist is not some sort of investigator.

You're one of those non-investigated journalists. Well, I'm an author, I guess I should say. Oh, okay. I'm not a news journalist. I have my journal and I write and then I publish like a Bill Bryson type. And I also, if you don't mind, I also notice in the main hall here up on the ceiling there seems to be a clown who's hanging on for dear life and just rotating its arm going fan, fan, fan, fan, fan, fan, fan, fan.

I don't work here! Hong Kong!

Yeah, like I said, there's a clown high school down the road, and we do an outreach program where we have some of the, yeah, locally. He does not work here, but he is a local kid, and he's trying to get on the right path. You're doing great. That's a cool ceiling fan, bud.

Oh, he spotted me. $20 in the jar.

That's $20 in the jar. Rules are rules for everybody.

Okay, we hit again. Can you see us? Yeah, can you see us?

They're just running back and forth.

Yeah, they're running back and forth. Okay, well, we can get you in the room. Now, how wet do you like the floor? I guess 0%. 0%? Well, there will be 0% in the room.

I'm from Mexico, New York. We don't pronounce our R's.

Okay, well there will be no piss-cent in the room. The room will be covered in it, but you won't be able to smell a thing.

I should have said Mexico, New York. Because you don't pronounce your R's.

I understand. Well, we can get you into the room. Is it just the one car? Oh, well my car won't be coming in with me. Oh, I'm sorry. How are you going to get in the room without the car? Uh, hopefully stairs? Elevator? Well, I mean, you can try, but I'm saying that if you don't have that metal encasing all around you, you're gonna get crushed to death just going in through that doorway, because you're gonna need something to burst in through the door of the room.

Oh, um, you know what? I'm actually, I've been kind of rejuvenated by the conversation. I'm gonna just hit the road.

Certainly, and I know that you want to. You're gonna walk out of that door and you're gonna find yourself right back in this lobby, because... This is your life now.

This is- But don't worry, we have a continental breakfast at 7.05 AM, Hong Kong!

I died on the road, didn't I?

It's 12 minutes! That's 20 in the jar! 20 in the jar!

Oh, shoot, shoot, shoot!

I'll tell them about the breakfast 20 in the jar!

We have a clown, we have a clown conental breakfast. It's circus penis.

The only thing scarier than two clowns in your hotel room that you can see is two clowns that are there that you cannot see.

I'd go to that hotel. Adal would definitely go to that hotel.

It's freaky ass.

You're a real freaky ass.

The hidden clown in, I'll go. How about all the news that's What? What are you doing? We're going back to jingles and slogans.

All the news that's... Doesn't challenge your worldview and tells you exactly what you want to hear.

Sign me up. All the news, that's all folks. Okay. All the news that's coming down the Hudson. Hudson News. In every airport.

Very close, very close. All the news that's fit to print. The New York Times. Let's do one more. When it absolutely... When it absolutely... Oh, that's it. When it absolutely... Cannot wait. And then what's the brand?

I don't know, giving birth to babies?

Impatient burgers?

Yeah, I don't work in advertising.

When it absolutely got a shit. Colder toilets.

When it absolutely positively has to be there overnight, FedEx. Oh, god damn it.

Can I see a scene? Adal, you are a FedEx employee that has been given a package and you are single-handedly traveling across the country to deliver it.

And I check into a hotel?

No. Just, uh, it can be a montage of all the things you see along the way.

Okay. This package absolutely has to get there, but tomorrow, at 9 a.m. But- I'm counting on you, son. Can you do it?

But Chief, it's- we're delivering from- from, uh, small-town California all the way to Rhode Island? I can't do that.

If you can't do it, then turn in your badge and turn in your gun, because you're not fit to wear that FedEx uniform.

Good luck and Godspeed. Oh no, let me hop on one of those things on the railroad tracks that you pump up and down with another person.

That broke too!

Okay, well now I'll grab my Bindle and I'll hop into a train car.

Oh, that broke as well.

Oh, that train broke down. Oh, got a horse! Haha! He got more!

He died! Okay. But you got really attached to him too, so now you're moving real slow.

Hey there, FedEx man. You need a ride? Yeah, who are you? I'm Burt Motorcars, and I'm driving all the way across the United States. Hop in.

And I'm his girlfriend wearing a fur coat. We're definitely not bad news.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Girlfriend. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I thought I was being gentle with that. Technically, we're married.

Yikes. Bikes. Married. Okay. What are all these bags of money in your backseat where the dollar bills are flying out the window?

Hey, don't worry about that pal. We need to have a conversation about our relationship.

Okay, I'll wait.

You know what? Why don't you take our car? We got a lot of stuff to sort out.

Oh, thank you.

And then the car breaks?

Oh, shit.

I love you, but I just don't think I'm there yet.

Yeah. Wait, are we following that?

Same.

He didn't make it.

I didn't make it. Let's get into our full course.

That was nine months later after he left.

Let's get into our full course riddles here. Alright, here we go. As he watched the man at the stand vigorously shake a piece of fruit, he was reminded of his favorite play Romeo and Juliet. What's going on here? As he watched the man at the stand vigorously shake a piece of fruit, I guess it's like a fruit stand, he was reminded of his favorite play, Romeo and Juliet.

Is this, is the answer to this like some sort of like wordplay joke where it's like... A hundred percent. Oh my god. So they're shaking fruit.

And it reminds him of Romeo and Juliet, which is his favorite play. What light through yonder window breaks? Is this a line from Romeo and Juliet that I have to know? What light through yonder window cakes? We've got all kinds of cakes.

Yes. Yeah, is this a line from Romeo and Juliet that has a- It's fruit.

It's light through the under window grapes.

Yeah.

I want to see a scene. JBC and Erin- Tables, Prince of Mangoes! JBC, you and Erin are doing Romeo and Juliet. It's like a local kind of community production. You two have been cast, but you did not study your lines at all. And it is opening night and the two of you are absolutely struggling to remember the famous lines from all the good scenes.

Leonardo DiCaprio, Leonardo DiCaprio, where for farts art thou? Leonardo DiCaprio, I, Claire Danes, I'm up here up on the top part. Are you down there in the shrubbery?

What light through yonder window bakes? Tis Julie Andrews and the West. She must be nice to be her.

To sleep? To sleep perchance? Now I lay to rest? To be?

Or... Come! Noble... Benvolio? My longsword, you hoe! Um, and my axe! And now, a dance break! Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo

Her lips are covered in this stuff.

I've been in this play twice.

Shit, I was gonna try to look up and find a full monologue from Merchant of Venice that I just watched it do.

There was a point in my life where I knew all the lines for Romeo in that play because I had to do them. At one point I had to do them. I know I had to do them because I did them.

I used to know almost all of Macbeth and I used to know quite a lot of Richard III and now it's all gone.

I knew a lot of Macbeth, not because I was in it, but I worked a crew for it. I think I've mentioned this before. I think I was like 19 and I was a dresser on a production of Macbeth in St. Louis. And I was in charge of like Lady Macduff and all the kids' clothes. So I had to listen to the play every day, which is so dark. And then after all the like three-hour productions, and sometimes we'd do two in a day, I had to wash all the blood. Hi Riddle.

I used to know so many Shakespeare plays because I used to work for Benquo frozen dinners and they would make the factory, they would just pipe those fucking plays in everywhere. It's very on brand for them.

Remember at the end of this episode when we say, instead of Jupiter, I think you have to say Mercutio.

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

Very good, very good. Remember that, remember that.

JBC, how many lines from Romeo and Juliet do you think you know?

Zero. I really don't, not like full monologues. Also I laugh there because we said remember that, remember that. I just got, how funny would it be if you went to an improv show and someone's like, everybody come to the left and that's where the cabin is. Remember that, remember that, remember that. Everybody on stage said remember that three times whenever something happened that they were going to bring back.

Remember that, remember that, remember that. Call back, call back, call back.

I don't know. What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east and Juliet is the sun.

Who gives the queen mob a monologue?

I have no idea. Is that Mercutio?

Is that Tybalt?

No. It's Mercutio or Tybalt? I think it's Mercutio. I don't know. It doesn't matter.

Someone will know.

Tybalt's the cousin, right? Yeah, Tybalt's the cousin.

It's the John Leguizamo type. Oh, no, no. I thought Mercutio was John Leguizamo. No, Mercutio's the other guy. Is it the guy from Lost? No, where are we? The guy from, in the movie, the guy from Lost who plays Careful, he gives the queen mob. Yes, that's Mercutio. That's Mercutio. And he's phenomenal in that.

I forgot that he was in that.

Oh yeah. So, what author are we speaking about?

Shakespeare.

Okay.

Shakes a pear. He was shaking a pear.

He was shaking a pear. What answer through yonder bullshit breaks, it is the man was shaking a pear and the person watching was reminded... You're not supposed to do that.

That's rude. My mom always was like, squeezing fruit at the supermarket is rude.

Do you shake your pear at me, sir? I shake my pear, sir, but not at you, sir.

I bite my tongue at you, sir. I bite my tongue.

I don't know.

When we read that in high school, just that first part of Romeo and Juliet where they're biting their thumb and that meant like fuck you. Once the teacher explained to us that's what everyone was like fuck you. For like a month we were just like in the hallways biting our thumbs at each other and we're like this is the funniest thing in the world and then eventually we're like I don't never want to do this again.

Never mind. Yeah, you're not supposed to touch fruit all the time at grocery stores, especially now with COVID. I think of that line from Guys and Dolls where she goes, you mustn't squeeze a melon till you get the melon home. And I live by that. And I live by that.

I will not buy an avocado that I haven't squeezed because it is impossible to know when that avocado is going to be raw.

Avocados famously have a two minute window where they're perfect and before or after they're inedible.

That's me every day. I'm an avocado. There's 14 seconds where I'm tolerable and lovely. And the rest of the time, I'm not. And it's very rare that I'm avocado ready during one of our recordings.

When I go to the grocery store and I see that huge pile of avocados, I look at that and I think maybe one in 10 of these will be enjoyed. So much avocado has to go to waste.

Well, no, you know what they do?

They make it into chocolate milk.

No, they make it into guacamole that they sell at the front part.

Mmm.

Erin, I want to believe that that's true, and so I choose to.

Well, I notice in her eyes that Erin is in her 15 second window of being wonderful, so we're gonna take a quick break so JPC and I can enjoy that, and we'll be right back with more Hey Riddle Riddle. What light through your other window breaks?

Oh my god, Adal, Erin, I feel like such a fool. What happened? What did we do? You know how we all thought that these ads were kind of a safe space to talk about, you know, what's going on in our lives and our problems and our issues and kind of talk through them? Well, it turns out these are being broadcast to thousands of people in the middle of our episodes.

Yeah, you're talking into a microphone.

Wait, is that why we're getting paid for these? I know, I'm just as surprised as you guys, but I have landed on something revolutionary that is going to help us out of this pickle that we all find ourselves in and we're all in the same situation.

You know what?

See, I was about to recommend better help, but if you found something... I was about to launch into how I love pickles, because this is an opportunity for me to just rant and rave about what I like. Well, okay. Wait, Erin, what's better help? Oh, do you want to hear about Bradley Better Help Pickers?

No, I don't want to hear about your pickle theory. Why did I say pickles like that? From the South? I don't know.

Well, thank God I'm here because let me tell you about what my thing is and that is Better Help. It's not a crisis line. It's not self-help. It's professional counseling done securely online. This is my favorite kind of way to get therapy because you can send a message to your counselor anytime and they're professionals and it's awesome and you don't have to do that performative one hour of therapy every week that stressed me the heck out. It's more affordable than traditional offline counseling and financial aid is available.

And BetterHelp will help you with things like, you know, is there something interfering with your happiness, JPC? Is there something preventing you from achieving your goals, JPC? Sorry, I'm mentioning just what's affecting my happiness and affecting me from achieving my goals.

Yeah, and so with better help, not like our ads that go out to thousands of people, everything that you share is confidential, it's convenient, it's professional, and it's affordable, right?

Yeah, and you can start communicating in under 48 hours. That's less than an Eddie Murphy movie.

And it's available worldwide.

Okay, so you're saying that we want people to start living a happier life. And as a listener of our show, you can get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at betterhelp.com slash riddle.

JPC, no 10%. That's too much.

I don't make the rules. I think that they should join over 1 million people who have taken charge of their mental health. Again, that's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash riddle. This is way better than the idea I was going to pitch.

What were you going to say?

I was going to say whisper ads. We just whisper all the ads and so then we can hear the ads if we whisper all the ads.

Okay, I say this every day, but thank God I'm here. What would happen if I wasn't here, everybody?

Oh wait, GPC. Stop whispering. All these birds started landing on you. The birds are my friends.

What happened?

I wasn't here!

The quality of mercy is not strained. It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven upon the place beneath.

I'm going to droppeth some acid.

Twice blessed. I'm in the middle of a performance. Please, I'll give you a comp ticket. It blessed him that gives in him that takes, tis mightiest in the mightiest. It becomes the throne of Mardard. Adal, please. There's 2,500 people here who paid.

This performance is so avant-garde. I'm watching, I'm watching, but I wanted to watch from the stage.

His chapter shows in the forest of temporal power. Ever since you became a security guard at Von Maurer, you keep saying avant garde.

The attribute to awe and majesty where a doth sit the dread and fear of kings.

I am the law, dread.

Oh my god.

I'm so close to the actors, I can touch this one. I can touch his garb. Erin, I'm sorry, you're doing great.

I should have known that this was going to happen. Don't try to give me flowers in the middle of the show.

Whoa, what is this part of Shakespeare?

No, this is me talking to you.

Wow, it's so surreal.

I love this. 10 stars, 15 thumbs up. This is the best acting yet.

The best performance I've ever seen. That's the worst moment of my life.

Wow. And this boy's mustache is real. Look at it. He was yankering on the side of this.

Which, if thou follow, the strict court of Venice must needs give sentence against the merchant there. What is this play about? Is it about money? Why is flesh blood?

Bravo, encore, free bird, free bird! Bravo, AMC, BET, MTV, Disney Plus, whatever.

Wow, that's the last time you're invited to any of my plays.

I would love to go to a very serious play and then just end the audience 35 minutes and just go, play Wonderwall!

Now, Merchant of Venice has Shylock.

Yeah, I think so.

And he asks for seven pounds of flesh?

Maybe.

That should still be a thing. Where someone's like, can I borrow your PS4 controller? And you're like, yeah man, take it. But if you don't bring them back, I get seven pounds of flesh.

I would totally pay for those anthropology candles and pounds of flesh. Just hand them my arm at the counter. Do what you will. Do what you will.

Your purchase today actually qualifies for an anthropology credit card. So the way that it works is it's 0% APR. We do take a pound of flesh if you're late with a payment. What? I'm sorry. It's for candles and stuff.

I'm going to give you a list of four things and you have to tell me which one is the odd thing out.

So three of the four have something in common. They share a quality and the fourth is a glaring omission that you have to suss out, sniff out, and boot it from the group. I'm sorry, it's going to be glaring? Well, I don't know if it'll be glaring. Got it.

But do we have to say what's odd about... Sunglasses on, sunglasses off. On, off.

Well, there's a glare, so leave them on.

All right, great.

I have mine on. They're the ones that turn from regular glasses into sunglasses when you step outside.

Oh, yeah!

So this first one is specifically for JPC, but Erin, you can answer as well. Great. Question one. Albany, Trenton, Santa Fe, Indianapolis.

Albany, Trenton, Santa Fe, Indianapolis. So Indianapolis and Albany are both capitals, and I don't know. Is Trenton the capital of New Jersey? I'm going to say Santa Fe is the Alabama note.

Okay. Why so?

Are the rest of them state capitals? You're on the right track, but you are incorrect. Is the answer Trenton?

Why would you say that? State capital?

State capitals is the part that is wrong?

Well, it has something to do with state capitals, but not in the way that you're guessing. Okay, what are they? They're Albany? Albany or Albany? I never know how to say that. I have no idea either. Albany. I feel like either way I say it someone corrects me. It's kind of like I used to live in Nevada. I lived there for four years. Anytime I say Nevada someone's like Nevada and then I'll be like I guess that's the way and then the next time I talk I'll be like Nevada and I'll be like Nevada and I'm like I give up.

It's pronounced Utah.

Albany, Trenton, Santa Fe, Indianapolis.

Indianapolis is the odd one out.

Erin? You are correct. Do you want to let us know why it is the odd one out?

All those other places are livable and cool.

Erin, that's not the right answer, but I'm gonna give you the points.

Oh yeah! Is it because Indianapolis is a capital that has the name of the state in it and the other ones don't? Or they both start with the letter I?

You're on the right track. You're on the right track. Do you want me to give you the answer? Yeah. So the answer is Indianapolis is the odd city out. The reason is the rest are all four capitals, but the other three are capitals of states that start with new. New York, New Jersey, New York.

So a little bit of a tricky, tricky, tricky one.

Fun. I like this game.

My guess is that Indianapolis is also the only one of those cities that is not on a non, that is not on a navigable body of water.

What?

Interesting. Indianapolis is the biggest city in the United States on a non-navigable body of water. That's right. We have a canal.

I want to say the scene. The two of you are in a rowboat. You're in Indianapolis' famous canal. Do we want this? I'll leave it to you two. Do you want this to be another Valentine's Day date scene?

Sure. Why not? What do you mean you want a divorce?

Well, I mean I brought you in a robot in February because I didn't want to make a scene somewhere. And so I want a divorce.

You just blurted that out. We were just talking about all the things. We loved about each other and I brought this picnic for us. It's like our 25th wedding anniversary. You want to get a divorce?

Uh, Barry. Yes, we got married on Valentine's Day.

Jennifer! Oh my gosh.

My name is Barry. I'm psyching myself up. Barry, you could do this. You could do this. Jennifer. 25 years ago on Valentine's Day, we got married. And I said, what did I say? What were our vows? I said, to have, to hold, to love, to cherish.

And oh my gosh, I hope this works.

For up to 25 years, but not over.

But I thought that, and everyone laughed.

Because we were 70 when we got married. We didn't think we'd be 95, but here we are. Hey you two down there, just be careful in the canal. After 5 p.m., the canal shark comes out. And of course in Indianapolis, a canal shark is what we call two boots tied together, sewn inside a dead cat, floating in a Mountain Dew bottle.

So an Indiana spaghetti dinner?

Why do you two look so proud of yourselves right now?

Is that something? No reason, same. Here's the next four words. You have to figure out which one is the odd word out. Odd word out. Period. Z. I'm sorry, there's five. Period. Z, as in the letter. New Year's Eve. Amen. Hello.

Period. See. New Year's Eve. Amen. Hello. Correct. Hmm.

Hmm. This is hard.

Yeah, so it is hard, isn't it? It's almost as if this is a Riddle podcast. Is it a period or the word period?

Erin, I'm glad you asked. It is the menstruation cycle of a sentence, which is a period. A little round dot.

So you didn't help me at all, so it's not the word. It's a dot.

It is... I mean, it's the word period, but it's representative of the end of a sentence. Yep. The little dot. Are these all Fergie lyrics?

My lovely lady loves. Check it out.

So, so, so. Period Z. New Year's Eve. Amen. Hello. Okay these oh oh I got it I know it I know it yes wait what are they what are they which is the odd one out the odd one out is hello that's my favorite thing hello yeah I know it I got it wait what were the words again Aaron why is the odd word out hello because that everything else happens at the end of something Erin, two for two. Hello is the odd word out because all the other terms represent endings. Period, the end of a sentence. Z, the end of the alphabet. New Year's Eve, the end of the year. Amen, the end of a prayer.

Okay, well, whoever wrote this clearly hasn't said hello to someone at the end of a breakup to try to freak them out. Look alive, ladies. Be the scariest and weirdest you've ever been at the end of a breakup so they have a fun story to tell. I introduce myself to the person right after I break up with them. I go, hello, it's nice to meet you. And they're like, whoa.

What the fuck? That comes right after Erin saying, I never want to see you again. She takes a long blank and then she says, hi, I'm Erin. Who are you?

Yeah. And then they grab their suitcase and their little hat and they run.

It's like a Black Mirror episode. Here we go. Next four. Rule, Retriever. And of course, these are all Jaws. Jaws rule, Jaws Retriever. Girls. and pencil. Rule. Retriever. Girls. Pencil. Rule.

Retriever. Girl. Girls. Girls. Plural. And pencil. Well, girls is the only one that is plural. So, that's my answer and I win.

Well, I guess that's that. That is incorrect. Okay.

Retriever.

It's not a plural thing. Erin, why do you think Retriever is the odd word out?

Cause everything else you'll find in a classroom.

Okay. Uh, that is incorrect.

But, but Retriever is the odd one out.

Um, no. But I just like, when you say the wrong answer, I'm just curious. I just always want to hear the reasoning behind it. Girls rule, Retriever, girls pencil. But Erin, I will say this does have something to do with school in a way. At least one of them, perhaps.

Is there like a word that combines with all of them but does not combine with one of them? A hundred percent. Oh, oh, oh. Power. No, it's golden. So we have Golden Rule. Golden Girls. What is the other one?

Golden Retreaters, so pencil. Pencils the other one out.

You are correct. Pencil is the odd word out. The rest are attached with golden. We have golden rule, which you might learn at school, the golden rule. Do unto others as you would have done unto yourself. Is that the golden rule?

Take a pound of flesh. Get a candle. That's the golden rule.

Welcome to our party, everyone. Grab a pound of flesh. We're not going to eat it all. Retriever girls. The golden rule is do unto others if there's people watching.

Yeah, smart.

I love going to the park for some people watching. Here's the next. Oh, I want to see a scene. What about golden pencil?

No, that's not a thing. Okay, good.

I want to see a scene. You two are in school. Erin, you are the teacher and JPC is your first day of school. You're the new kid and you just happen to be a Golden Retriever.

Alright kids, uh, principal... Excuse me?

Excuse me? Uh, where can I shit?

He's here! He's here! Teacher, I don't want him to do that. Not next to my new shoes. Oh. It's cool. I won't shit on your shoes if you don't want me to. Of course I don't want you to. I don't want him to shit anywhere.

Kids, kids. The name's Gordon. Gordon's my name. Gordon, Gordon, sit. Stay.

Stay here?

Okay, can do. Principal Henderson said we have a new student whose parents just moved to town, so we're all going to be very welcoming. This is Gordon.

How did two Golden Retrievers afford a $2,500 house in Syracuse?

Hey, hey!

I'm just saying. Honestly, when my parents moved us up here and they said we're gonna go live in a farm upstate, I thought the worst, but this is actually not so bad.

Well, Gordon, I, uh, Principal Henderson, told me that you're very interested in basketball? Frisbee. Frisbee! Yeah, I'm only interested in frisbee. Okay, so you're not gonna try to join the basketball team, cause no, there's nothing in the rules.

As long as you don't play football because I'm the receiver. Okay. Air Bud, Golden Receiver, nobody? Okay.

Well, I did, I tried to do the Air Bud basketball thing.

No, I have no beef with you, man.

I'm nowhere in the rules.

You seem great, I'm into Frisbees. Well, Gordon, uh... Again, try, stop trying to push me into sports just because I'm from a city school and everybody knows that I do sports.

Well, Gordon, we're just trying to be as welcoming as possible. Do you want to tell us some of the things that you like to do? Teacher is stiffing my butt. That's normal.

I'm sorry, I thought that was your crutch. This kid's got a backwards body, if you ask me.

Anyways... Gordon, that's very impolite. Please apologize.

I'm sorry. Every day I sit on my dick.

My name's Gordon. What do I like? Table scraps, rubbing on my tummy, sniffing butts?

Yeah, Gordon, you're just like scooching your butt along the carpet. Please stop. And if you need to go to the nurse, just ask.

What's that?

If you need to go to the nurse, just ask.

I don't need to go to the nurse, but could someone help a brother out and pull whatever's stuck in? Out just a little bit.

Nobody do it.

I do it, but I got these paws and they ain't good for nothing.

Gordon, what did you learn at your other school? What are some of the things you were working on?

Sure, I know. Stop. Stay. Leave it. Gordon. Bad dog. Gordon. Damn it. Bad dog. Stop. Off the counter. Gordon. Listen. Gordon. Damn it. You're driving me crazy. Gordon. God damn it. Stop. Stop eating that rat.

Yeah, everybody just file out slowly.

Teacher, can we please have our chocolate milk now? Chocolate milk break. Chocolate milk?

That'll kill me.

Stank.

Dogs can't have chocolate.

They can't have milk, but they can't have chocolate, and that'd be a lesson to all of you. What? Okay, here's the next four. Cotton, horse, saddle, tap. Cotton horse, saddle, and tap? Yep. Oh, cotton horse, saddle, tap. Cotton horse, saddle, tap. The forwards you have to discern. Cotton horse, saddle, tap.

Cotton horse, saddle, tap. Cotton horse, saddle, tap. Forward, do you have to choose from? Cotton horse, saddle, tap.

Tap is the odd word out. JBC, you sing. I was solving the riddle. I was focused solely on solving the riddle.

Cotton Horse Saddle Tap is filmed in front of a live studio audience. And I'm Saddle Tap, the worst cowboy in the world.

I'm Cotton Horse. I'm a cat. I'm a horse. And that saddle tap. He's my husband, a cowboy.

Yup. And my wife is a cotton pecking horse. Hey, Riddle.

Oh, we've been canceled.

I don't know why. It's 1951. The studio pitched a gay couple. A gay couple couple. Have we been canceled? Bullshit.

Please, a gupple. In the 1950s, a gay couple was called a gupple. Way ahead of its time. Cotton horse saddle tap. JBC, I think you said an answer. Tap is the odd one out.

Okay, why is Tap the Odd One Out? Tap is the only one that describes dancer. Saddle dancer, horse dancer, cotton dancer, or nothing. Tap dancer is something. It's shoes.

Erin, you are crushing it. So what is the Odd One Out?

Cotton.

Cotton is the Odd One Out. The rest are all types of shoes.

Tap shoes. Horse shoes.

Saddle bags.

Saddle shoes.

Um, let's see here. Let's do another, uh, riddle. One more daddy. This one, this one is going to be infuriating. So I've saved it, uh, towards the end. Oh, yay. Here we go. The world is ending was the message he heard over his shortwave radio. It did end, but he didn't learn about it for 10 years. He didn't learn about it for 10 years when he watched it happen. What's happening? Wait, the world is ending? Say it again? What? This is one of the all-time worst riddles I've ever found.

Wait, say it again. I'm really confused.

Erin, no amount of repetition is ever going to make sense.

But I'm going to need to hear it again.

Of course, of course. The world is ending was the message he heard over his shortwave radio. It did end, but he didn't learn about it for 10 years when he watched it happen.

Is this like an advertisement for like the the final episode of a series of shows that he's hearing about on the radio But he never watched the show and then like 10 years later.

He's like let's give friends a try and he sees it on Netflix The world is ending means it's the series finale for Bobby's world. Of course. We all are all sad to see that leave. Oh no Don't you know Let's list all the shows with world in it. So there's Bobby's World, there's Beekman's World, Real World as JPC said, Different World, I think that was a show in the sitcom in the early 90s. Out of this world I think was the sitcom where the girl had a dad who's an alien. Third World from the Sun, World in Grace, The Big Bang World, Caroline in the World, World in the City, Game of World,

Oh hey, speaking of the Big Bang Theory, I wanted to pitch to you guys this new character that I'm developing. Alright, I'm ready. So this is either a character idea, it could also be like a Halloween costume, but I'm thinking of having a new character, the character's name is Sherman from the Big Bang Project. And it's just, it's very, it's very close. It's very close to the Jim What's His Name character. Jim Parsons, thank you. But Sherman from the Big Bang Project says like Bajinga, Sherman from the Big Bang Project knows a lot about like, not like nerdy stuff, but like philosophy. Like it's just like one adjacent. What do we think of Sherman for the Big Bang Project?

Well, I'm going to need to hear some like, I just like need to see it on its feet, you know?

Yeah, see it in action.

Okay. The works of Carl Jung certainly are interesting. Pachinka.

Pachinka? That's my grandma's favorite game to play at the casino. Play some Pachinka.

Anyway, that's Sherman from The Big Pig Project. What do you think? Five stars? I'd give it five out of a thousand stars. Adal, what? There's only a thousand stars in the sky. Adal, when I gave the answer to the riddle that was correct, how close was I? What was your answer again? Hearing about a TV show that was ending and he caught the end of it 10 years later. Incorrect. He heard about this on a short wave radio. What's a short wave radio? Is that just like a normal radio?

Is that like terrestrial radio? You know when you're like out in the public and you're in your own little world. No.

Hold on.

It's been a year I haven't been out in the public. Tell the world your own little world. You have maybe your headphones in, and you see someone, you recognize someone, and your body starts to greet them before you even comprehend who they are, and your hand starts to go up to wave, but then you realize it's someone you don't like, and so your hand stays, your hand doesn't go above your head at all, it kind of stays close to your chest, and you give a little hello and then walk away as quickly as possible. That's a short wave.

So, what I do in that situation, hand goes up, starts the wave, realizes the person I don't like, second hand goes up, now I'm doing a puppet show. It's hand puppets, and they're talking to each other, and I look like a fucking crazy person just walking down the street. The person who thinks that they know me is like, that can't be him.

Yeah, I recommend do that at the very end of a breakup. And then sing hello. Two things. JPC, I know we've talked about this before, but the bit you would do where you would sing, was it like a Blink 182 or Green Day song? Green Day song. It was Green Day. What was it? And you'd sing the same lyrics over and over?

Yeah, it's the... Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road. Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road. Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road. Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road. Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road. Yeah, that's the bet.

That's my mind play tricks on me.

I think that was the first CD I ever bought was Dookie.

She left me roses by the stairs.

She left me roses by the stairs.

She left me roses by the stairs.

Cut my life into pieces. Cut my life into pieces. Cut my life into pieces.

That Green Day song, I was listening to like early 2000s radio when I was cooking earlier this week and that song came on and I like the the laughter from the deepest part of my soul came out of my body remembering you doing that bit because part of the bit was you starting to panic and Each time you couldn't, each time you'd sing it again, being like, uh oh, that can't be right.

It was in between, when I was doing that bit on stage, in between breaths I'd go, what are the words, what are the words?

Oh god. Oh my god. Like, I didn't know you at all when I saw it, and I think I came up to you after, and I was like, I thought I was gonna throw up when you were doing that, I was crying, laughing so hard. It's truly one of the funniest bits I've seen in Chicago.

I strongly encourage anyone out there to take a song that you like and then turn that song into a bit and completely ruin that song for you for the rest of time.

Oh yeah, of course.

Yeah. Anything that you like, try to do comedy about it and then it ruins it. You just take a thing that you like and you rub it in the dirt and you kill it in its mouth.

Hey Adal and GBC, did you ever like any of my characters? Did any of them ever like stay with you that you loved?

Every time I'm hearing a wedding bridesmaid speech where the mic is cutting out, I think of you.

And that's happened more often than it's not happening, in a way.

Erin, sincerely last night, I made a fire in my fireplace because it's winter and it really came down with snow.

And then she kind of went, wait, I don't have a fireplace.

So I made a little fire and Gemma and I were sitting there having some drinks and chatting and we have been talking about getting, I've never gotten a tattoo before so I'm getting my first tattoo at some point. Gemma has multiple tattoos but she wants another. So we're talking about what tattoos we want to get in the future. And I think my first tattoo, possibly, I know the three of us talked about getting one together and I'd still like to do that if you're game for it. I think my first tattoo might be almost like a far side panel square and it's going to be JJ made of hay couldn't go to the bonfire. I think that's sincerely, truly going to be my first tattoo.

That's the darkest thing too. It's so dark. Oh fuck that's so funny.

But I wanted something with like a campfire because I'm like, I love being around campfire. I was sitting in front of a fireplace and I was like, what's something that's not just like a campfire where it's like generic that has some meaning to me? And I'm like, I always think about, Erin, once a week I think of J.J. Medefay couldn't go to the bonfire. Like I'll say it in the shower or I'll be like getting ready for bed and he'll run through my head. So I'm like, maybe that.

Well, that's like the highest honor ever. Also guys, it pays to be a brat. I lashed out for attention and it worked. Did you see that? They said such nice things. I was joking and it totally paid off. Holy shit.

You bullied me into putting something you did on my body.

I am going to get a tattoo. I've just now come to this conclusion. I am going to get hundreds of cigarettes tattooed all over my body. And when people ask me about them, I'm going to say each one of these cigarettes is a cigarette I've killed.

Okay. I like that.

Perfect.

You should get a cigarette for every time you have a craving for a cigarette.

Are we still, are we still going to get H or R? Are we, are somebody going to get an H, somebody gets an R, somebody gets an R?

I want to get something more ridiculous than that. Okay.

I'm listening. Are the three of us in agreement that the three of us will get a tattoo that's either the same or is one part of a third?

Erin said that she wanted to get something more ridiculous, so what about this? Ace Ventura eating Pope Francis' ass, and then Pope Francis is also like looking a big thing of ice cream, and then underneath it, it says, this tastes wet!

Yeah, see, I'm not trying to get a double of a tattoo I already have. That seems like a waste of money.

It's Ace Ventura eating the Pope's ass, and the Pope has a word bubble that says, nobody stop him!

Remember when the Pope hit that lady? I think about it all the time.

She smacked his hand?

All the time.

Or he smacked her hand?

Yeah, the Pope hitting that lady. Think about it all the time. I think about how Tucker Carlson, in that show that he used to have in the early 2000s, John Stewart came on and made fun of his bow tie, and he never wore a bow tie again. I think about that all the time. Tucker Carlson is like the saddest little man ever. And then I think about JPCs.

And I just want to announce we blew right past it, but please feel free. I want to hear your caption submissions, listener. So the tattoo is Ace Ventura eating the Pope's ass, and we want to know what your caption would be. So as soon as those captions, hashtag Riddle House.

Don't.

Just the caption.

Draw it. I'm gonna say it one more time.

The captions.

Don't draw it. Don't. I know you're all super funny and so weird. I love you all, and I know there's probably 600 of you that are having the impulse to draw it. Don't draw it. I'm seeing you pick up the pen. Don't.

Thank it, don't draw it. Speaking of thank it, we're running out of time. We have to solve this riddle. I'll give you 30 more seconds and then I'll give the answer. The world is ending was the message he heard over his shortwave radio. It did end, but he didn't learn about it for 10 years when he watched it happen.

Did he hear the RDM song? It's the end of the world as we know it.

And then he saw them live 10 years later.

No, that is incorrect.

Yeah, I don't know. Erin and I's guess was very good and since that's not the answer then I fucking hate this.

Okay, here's the answer. It makes zero sense in so many ways. The communication he received came from an alien on a planet 10 light years away from Earth. It took 10 years for the explosion that occurred on the day of the transmission to be seen on Earth through a telescope. I want to see a scene. So, what's going on?

Hold on now, because you said that we were almost out of time. Because I would have taken this shit to fucking Riddle Court, but I was like, we don't have time for Riddle Court.

All rise for Judge J.P.C. of Riddle Court.

All rise, all rise, all rise. Now order in the court. I'll take a large, let's see, large pizza with sausage and banana pepper.

I want cheesy breadsticks and I'm typing it all down.

For once can you guys order from the menu hot dogs, hamburgers. It's not hard. That's what we have.

That's what we have the equipment to... And we're sentencing this riddle to death?

Oh yeah, this riddle gets death for sure. I'm not here for the defense.

I'm not here for the prosecution. I want to see a scene. This is going to be a very quick scene. So, Erin, you are an alien from a far away planet. Your world is ending. You are able to communicate on a shortwave radio to JPC who's 10 years in the past, and you're having this conversation. This is almost like, I guess this is basically the plot to the movie Frequency, but worse. So you're an alien, your planet's about to end, your world is ending, JBC is a young boy with a shortwave radio 10 years in the past.

Hello?

Someone coming out of my shortwave radio?

Oh my god, okay, sorry. Okay, this is so much pressure. I am an alien. My world is ending. I'm a little drunk because I'm nervous. It's gonna hurt. So I went out with the girls, got a little toasty, did a little bit of pre-End of the World drinks.

Did you say girls?

I have so many questions. What are they like?

How do you talk to them?

Well, alien girls are pretty different, so we eat guys like immediately.

They're pretty? Oh, brother. I'd get so flustered if I had to talk to a pretty girl.

Hold on, hold on. I'm supposed to, I'm sorry, I fell down the stairs and I'm drinking a mojito, but I'm thinking, yes, I'm supposed to tell you how to save your world. Fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, no.

Fuck. I'm just a boy. I haven't even thought about doing that. But I guess if I had to, how would I go about doing it?

You're supposed to something with like, uh, like chemical, like, like uniting together as a world.

Using chemicals. Uniting together.

Yeah, chemicals together as a world. Like, uh, like, uh, boundaries and borders are meaningless. Like, I band together.

Okay, I'm gonna try to fuck. Thanks so much for your advice, alien.

Okay, have fun. I'm exploding.

Gotta get some chemicals seen. Perfect. Erin, do you have anything you want to promote?

Just follow me, Erin Keif 10, on Instagram. Thanks for listening to the show, guys. I love you. JPC, anything to promote?

Just follow me in general. Leave your lives behind, leave your jobs, your wives, your children, your husbands, your friends. Pick up whatever weapons you can carry, however much gold, however much money, and follow me. Do as I say, do as I command. We will see the light! Adal, anything to plug?

Yeah, on Disney+, there's a phenomenal show called Bluey. I think I've mentioned it before. It's an Australian kid show. I had an edible last night, and Gemma and I watched two episodes. And it's the most, like, joyous laughter we've had. And it's a children's show, but it's so heartwarming and it's so well done that we were, like, genuinely cackling at the most sweet humor. So I would highly recommend Bluey on Disney+, for any ages, especially if you have kids. Or if you're just young at heart. Also, I want to give a huge shout out and thank you to my brother-in-law, Doug Patterson, who has non-stop helped us with the new house, with repairs, with everything. This man is a fucking do-it-yourself genius. This guy can do everything. So thank you to Doug. He's the best, and I love him. And I love you guys. And let's talk about what tattoos we're going to get. Erin. There is a planet in the sky that is only seen... Some people think that it's one planet that existed. Some people think that it's many planets that wrote these pieces together. Keep going. You got this. You got this. What else? This planet is one of the most prolific writers of our time.

That planet is... To sweep, put plants, to drink. Let's see. Shakespeare's allusions to planets are often made astrologically, but in a few instances they are made from a purely astronomical point of view. What does that mean? My personal impression is that Shakespeare possessed what one may call a knowledge of heavenly phenomena, carefully balanced in the treasure chest of a thousand different subjects.

This is the first time I've been so acutely aware of the fact that I do not have the power to end the episode.

We're all so small. We're all so tiny in this great big expanse. Mercutio!

But I guess he didn't know that many planets.

Mercutio, bye forever.

I cannot by the progress of the stars give guests how near today.

Oh that's nice. I am very cold and all the stars are out too. The little stars and all. That sounds like an Erin quote.

Guys, we went over an hour so we have to do another hour. We have to do two more hours tonight.

The moon's in Erin's thief and her pale fire she snatches from the sun.

Erin, we have to end the episode.

He already played the theme. What?

Hey there, plomps and condolences. If you liked that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. It's our 100th Patreon episode and our Valentine's Day Spectacular, which means we meet the crew of Hey Relationship Relationship and a bunch of wacky characters from along our way. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle by joining the Clue Crew for $5 a month or the Review Crew for $8 a month. See you there!

That was a hate gun podcast.