Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Both of them were goldfish. It was the cabin of an airplane. He stabbed him with a knife and a knife. And the horses came riding.

Hey, it's me, Santa Puz. Oh, and it's me, the toy shop elf.

Ho, ho, ho, it's me, Rudolph the Puz-nosed Riddle-deer. Ho, ho, ho.

I can't wait for this time of year to be over.

Yes, and I can't wait either. I celebrate Pezmas.

Okay, Pezbot, I'm going to throw you right into the fire.

I made a medal, so I'm fine.

Oh my God. See you in 2020, Pezbot. 2020? We are recording this in 2019.

I hope that things happen.

JPC, what is this going to be? What is this show going to be? A normal kind of show?

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, I'm listening to an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle. It's a normal kind of show. But guess what? You're absolutely dead wrong. It's a clip show. We want to trade your asses. We trade your asses with a clip show.

And I got to tell you, this is not like the 2018. Old Man Puzzles is all of us, Adal. It was inside you the whole time. In 2018 we did a clip show for Christmas. No one listened to it because they thought it was a real clip show. That was a fake clip show where we did new content. This time it is a real clip show, old content.

We truly were like, what would be fun to do for Christmas? And we're like, let's pretend that we, let's pretend we're doing a clip show and then we'll improvise. We'll be like, remember that time when blank and we'll say something that never happened and improvise a scene and we thought we were so funny and clever. And then like 85% of our listeners were like, uh, I don't remember the episodes from those clips. And we're like, Oh no, nobody got the joke.

To be fair, it's a bad joke. We didn't have a ton of episodes at that time, right?

No, we were like four months old.

Yeah, we would have had like four months of episodes.

But this is a real clip show, so here it is. We're about to just launch you off into some of our best of. We had fans submit, and we'll probably think of a more formalized way to do this next year, but this is everything that All episodes from 2020 were fair game for this clip show and we had people submit their favorite ones and then we selected some clips and we really hope that you can listen back to some of these and be like wow what a bunch of fond memories and maybe if you haven't if you know you know someone who hasn't listened to the show show them this episode and be like huh pretty funny stuff this is the best stuff that they did all year and they're gonna go this is even worse without context

What is this?

The clips will not have context. Santa baby, hurry down the chimney tonight. Robots.

Pussbot, you are depressing to look at. Get out of the fire, it's okay.

Someone love me.

Okay, Pussbot.

Hey, so why don't you and your loved ones get out of the fire and sit by the fire and warm yourself up with some fire and also some laughter and some of the best of 2020 Hey Riddle Riddle.

Pussbot, I need all these Christmas cookies. Pussbot, those are for Santa.

Fox Santa, Pussbot rules.

I have a tall cup of piss or kids' temp for a JPC.

I'm sorry, did you say kids' temp? Did you see KidStimp?

And I'm Adal Rifai.

I'm not talking to you asshole, I'm on the phone. Hold on. Alright, go for JPC.

Yeah, are you JPC?

Yeah, I'm not talking to you asshole, I'm on the phone. Is this KidStimp?

Do you need a straw?

It's KidStimp. I'm not talking to you asshole, I'm on the phone. Is this KidStimp?

Wait, do you work for the company KidStimp that hires 8 to 12 year olds to do So you know me. Admin assistant work? So you know me. Yeah, I'm JPC. I work for Kids Temp. Isn't that illegal to have kids do admin work? Not in space.

Not in space. Anything goes in space. Welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle. I'm JPC. Yeah. I'm Space Anal.

Here's why I don't like cake. It sounds like beat poetry talked over guitar. Anyone can write a cake song. Let me give an example. Okay, I'm going to give you a baseline.

Hashtag anyone can write a cake song.

Please send us your own cake songs on Twitter. Got home last night. Went into my closet, found my boots, snow boots with a little guy inside the boots.

Took them out for breakfast. That's exactly why I do love cake.

I don't like cake because it just feels like too big of a proportion. Like I'd rather have a cupcake or brownie.

Good point. Good point. I don't like cake.

I want a cupcake or brownie. That's my cake side.

Have your cake and eat it too.

A savory dessert.

I think one of the reasons that I liked cake and continue to was I can't sing and or I'm not. Oh, you can't. What the fuck is this? I'm not a strong singer and neither is the guy from Cake. He basically just does beat poetry to music and so it was very easy to sing along to Cake because not much singing required.

TPC, can you do your Cake song?

Sure.

Adal, can you give him a little...

I've got a car that drives electronically and the car functions with four tires. I touch the side and the sun beams glistening off the dashboard of my brand new car. Give your car is traveling down the road. Don't worry. Thank you. That turned into French night or day.

If your car is driving down the road, don't worry.

You guys, this is a really fun game. This is our new Swedish app.

If you're coming to the show, tweet us maybe and we'll know to look for you there. And be prepared to answer some of my questions.

How many cousins do you have? Where do they live? What states do they live in? Where are your cousins? Tell me the names of your cousins. Ages, heights of your cousins. Where are your cousins? Fair to cousins. Fair to cousins. Tell us where the cousins are.

We have ways of making you talk about your cousins.

We have ways of making you cousins, Mr. Bond.

Keep going.

What are the names and nationalities of your cousins? Where are their ages? Where do they live? What do their houses look like? Do they have spouses?

Where are the spouses of your cousins? I want to see a scene. Uh, JVC, you're the same. I think you just did. No, I wanted you to continue. We're going to go further down the story. Um, this is the end of the movie. You're the same villain and you're doing that villain monologue where you talked about what your plan was and how you got away with it.

You'll never kill me. Kill you? I don't need to kill you because I've already done so much worse. What have you done?

Well, let me put it this way. Wait, where's my dad's brother's kid? Patrick Duffison? Yes. From Minnesota? Yes, where's Patrick Duffison?

He's at the bottom of a lake. That's right, Mr. Bond. I have systematically hunted down and killed everything of one of your cousins. Leaving you completely alone and dispelled in terms of cousins. You still have your parents and you still have, I guess, the children. Oh, no, no. Not your parents' brothers' children. They are dead cousins.

You have to tell me, please. What about my second cousins? Oh, fudge. I didn't think about the second cousins. Are you close with them? Yes, very.

Closer than my first cousin. Ah, damn it. Okay, second cousin. That's what's once removed. A second cousin is like a cousin's child? Is a second cousin?

Second cousin is like your parents' first cousins, right? Hey, who's that? This is my assistant. That's my cousin. Your assistant is my cousin. Shannon. Jennifer. Jennifer. You're Mr. Bond's cousin?

What have you done?

I mean, what have you done?

Do I kill her? The love of my life who I just proposed to? I know. Work relationship? Stupid. What am I doing?

What's your last name?

Bond. Fuck me. We're brothers. So this is Karl Talk. We're all going to go around the horn and just give Karl, you know, six years old listening to the podcast, probably not listening to the podcast, six years old and some advice that might help them in their schooling.

Great. Anyone want to go first for advice for Karl?

Yeah, so Carl, you're six. You're just going to school. You're getting acclimated to everything. You're making all these social connections. What you're going to want to do is you're going to want to break the cycle of being mean to someone because you like them. Be honest with your emotions. Tell people how you feel, Carl. Say, hey, I like you. I'm putting myself out there. I'm Carl. I'm a hell of a nice kid and I want to be friends with you.

Great advice.

Yeah, perfect advice. Carl, this is Adal Rifai, if you can't distinguish my voice from the previous talker. My big advice for you is to go ahead and start calling your mom and dad by their first names. Yes. I mean your parents by their first names because what's going to happen is as you grow older, everyone you meet, you're going to have to call by their first name, right? You might as well get used to it now. And I'm going to save you in the embarrassment of grade school and high school where you accidentally call a teacher, mommy or daddy. That's going to ruin your year or possibly two years. So go ahead and start calling your parents by their first name. Don't say mom or dad ever again. And that's just a little bump set spike from your old uncle Adal.

Carl, speaking of ruining your life, please try to encourage your parents to not make bacon before school. Really just encourage them to make bacon on the weekends. Because if they make it in the morning, that smell is going to get on your clothes. And then you're going to go to school, and the kids are going to say you smell like bacon. And that's going to be a really hard thing to bounce back from, okay? So just no bacon before school.

And Carl, speaking of smells, getting on your clothes. What you're going to want to do is you're going to want to get an empty water bottle and you're going to want to fill it with urine. It doesn't have to be yours, but it should be. You're going to want to carry this around on you because Carl, at one point, you are going to piss yourself. It happens to everyone. There's no need to be ashamed about it. I'm doing it now. Sure. It happens to the best of us, but you don't want to be alone in that instance. So what you want to do is you're going to take that water bottle out, squirt it on another kid or a teacher or whoever else is around and say, you're in this with me now. You have to help us both get out of this.

And real quick, talking about smells. What you're also going to want to do is start carrying around a trumpet. You don't have to learn how to play it. If you want to, that's a bonus. Start carrying around a trumpet. That way, anytime you fart, you want to grab that real quick. And as people turn around, you just want to say, just practicing. That way, everyone thinks they just heard a trumpet. They don't know what that smell is, but it must have been somebody else because you're just practicing the trumpet, my man. You're just practicing the trumpet.

Hey Carl, I'm Erin here. Really quick, we're actually going to ignore those last two bits of advice because you're not going to be the kid carrying around a trumpet in a bottle of piss.

Absolutely, you can kick the piss in the trumpet. Please, Trumpiss. Trumpiss, please.

And that concludes our advice. Come back in six months when we remember this segment for some more advice.

Guys, I think we have to pivot into Carl Duck. I think that's the new show. I want to see a scene. JPC and Erin, you are two detectives and you have jumped on board a produce truck that if it goes over 15 miles an hour, it will explode. 15 miles an hour? Yeah. And so you're trying to do your best work.

All this fruit's gonna go bad. We're going so slow. We're on the highway.

It doesn't matter, Garcia, because if we go over 15 miles an hour, this thing's gonna explode.

Please, let me just go 20. Come on. This is brutal. People are laughing at us.

Okay, okay, hold on, hold on.

Why don't you just stop the truck?

Hold on, I wanna... I want to make sure that you understand. If this goes over 15 miles an hour, we explode. So we would die if we go 20. You get that, right?

Yeah, but at least I'd be going 20 miles per hour when I died. Come on.

Hey, how are things at home?

I've got a need for speed.

I realize that we don't talk as much as we used to, but like... How are you? How are you doing? Are you okay?

How are we supposed to merge if we're only going 15?

Hey Garcia, pull over. Don't worry about that. I really want to just check in on you because it seems like from an outside observer you maybe want this truck to explode.

Oh. And I don't. I just pulled over and I guess we can come to a full stop.

Yeah.

Huh.

Yeah.

Sorry, things at home are really hard. I said goodbye to my boyfriend on the train and he told me he never really loved me and he told me to be a good mother and we don't even have kids.

That's so awful. Damn you both, I've been foiled again. Dr. Chameleon had a brilliant plan and it's been foiled.

Hey Dr. Chameleon, it wasn't brilliant. You understood, right, that you put that over a

If it goes over 15 miles per hour, you'll explode. I didn't think about stopping in the truck.

Dr. Chameleon, how many minutes into the movie Speed did you get? Like how many minutes in?

Trailers!

Okay.

Yeah. Oh, so you don't even know that Dustin Hopper's in it. Dustin Hopper?

And Jack Daniels. I didn't know Dustin Hopper was in it.

It's either Dustin Hopper or Dennis Hopper. It's one of those two and I hedge my bet.

Where to hedge your bets? Dr. Chameleon, your moustache has so much product in it. It's just going to snap off at any second.

It has mousse and hairspray and gel.

What happens when you take a shower? Does it droop down?

Garcia, I'm more interested in this devastating news that you said about your boyfriend. He said, I don't love you and take care of our children.

No, he said be a good mother and we don't have children. Be a good mother later in my life?

Why are you commenting on my ability to be a mom? I've said that to women before. I've said that to women before. You know, be a good mother later in life. I think it's a compliment.

What if, I know, but what if you don't want to have kids? There's so many terrible implications. Dr. Chameleon, you're standing really close to us and crossing your arms and nodding like you're our friend.

Yes, let's all talk about our relationships.

No, three feet back, Dr. Chameleon. Best friends. No, no, no, no, three feet back.

Arrest me and take me to your house.

We're not that kind of cop. We're not that kind of cop. We don't do that.

I hope it rains so I can see how your mustache is without all of that product in it.

Same.

Can I tell you about the time I met Frank Sinatra?

No, please. Please don't. We just wanted to do puzzles.

All right, well I'll tell you. He was here.

Old Blue Ice puzzles?

Yeah, and he sang to me, and I said, Frank Sinatra, you better get two feet away from me, because I'm married, and if I faint right now, it'll be right in through your mouth with the kiss. And then he said, ma'am, I'm the mailman. Is there someone I can call?

Should we be recording this? I feel like this is exploitative. We should play this at therapy.

JPC, I think Erin just created a new character called Gene P. Riddle.

I got very confused earlier and I put fudge and popsicles in a casserole dish.

This is Grandma Puzzles. Grandma Puzzles is the newest character in our show that's got 120s of the episodes. Thank you Grandma Puzzles.

I put it in the microwave and in the freezer. Please take me to the backyard so I can watch the sprinklers go.

Grandma Puzzles, can we have a Werther's Original Riddle please?

That's fine. Alright.

Also Grandma Puzzles, can we take you to the farm upstate?

I'm at the start of stupor that ends in a drink, and at the start of four pillars to make people think. Some say I'm bad luck and I'm not very bright. Don't try to touch me, I'll attack you on sight.

Some say I'm standoffish or act somewhat cross, but you would be too if you shat in a box. Jesus?

Pretzel?

Wait, hold on. Is it Pretzel Jesus? Yeah, you don't want boring old Jesus. I gotta say the quickest of scenes. Erin and I are devout followers of Jesus. Jesus, of course, was crucified. This is before he... Of course. Again, I don't know religion very well. This is before he like rolls away that boulder and does whatever. So we think Jesus has died and new on the scene that's emerged is Pretzel Jesus, played by JPC. Got it. I don't think we'll ever find another savior.

I'm like really sad.

At the funeral, did you see his mom crying? I went over to talk to her and she walked away. It's so sad.

Yeah, I think that this is, and I know that like everyone thinks a death has a big impact, but I have like a feeling that like... I don't know if you saw this.

Yeah, it's absolutely bummer city about Jesus. Can I have you some nacho cheese, cinnamon sugar? Who's this? It's about tough cookies about that good guy. He had a lot of good ideas. Can I offer you some big hunk of pieces of salt? It is tough cookies. What's your name friend? My name? Kick, flip, ollie, twist, grab the skateboard, put it behind my back.

What is that?

Is that Greek? My name is Pretzel Jesus. I'm just like Jesus, but I come in tons of fun flavors.

Sorry, I just got hit in the head with a skateboard. Did you say nacho cheese, cinnamon, sugar?

Stephanie, are we in a commercial? Ow! Stephanie? Hey, your name is fucking Pretzel Jesus. I was named by God, my man.

Anyways, I've come to deliver y'all. Taste buds.

Hey Pretzels, Nacho Jesus. We're in mourning right now.

Nacho regular Jesus. Pretzel Jesus. Yeah, we can't have pretzels during mourning. We can't have pretzels during the evening. We can't have pretzels at supper time.

Hey I understand man, I don't want to beef it. Why do we do this? Why don't we do this? You take some nacho cheese, you take some cinnamon sugar, you take a big old hunk of piece of salt. Call me in the morning, I'm pretzel Jesus, I wind all the way around town. You know where I'm at. I'm at the temple flipping tables, I'm at the mound giving out fish. I'm Pretzel Jesus!

Pretzel Jesus, you're just giving us a bunch of condiments and not really anything to eat them on?

Stephanie, Stephanie. What are we, we should just have all this fucking nuts or cheese and cinnamon? Hey, I just, hey, I just saw, I just saw down, I just looked down, that's a snake in pants.

How?

Oh, so you notice, you notice a word? That's the devil.

That's the devil.

Okay, okay. How? How are snakes in pants? No, all lies on you bud. You said snake in pants.

Snake in pants. Make it make sense. I have to just stop and hold I have to hold a vigil of appreciation For the fact that somebody during Jesus' funeral comes up and says tough cookies. It's Pretzel Jesus.

He's a little bit twisted.

P.J.

P.J. The Riddle, John's Riddle.

I am Catholic. I know this show doesn't indicate that, but... Hi, Rick. Hi, Mickey. I would love to take you where you need to go, but in Riddle City, you have to... Don't say that.

No, we don't want to fuck you, kid.

Don't ever say, I want to take you where you need to go. Well, you're trying to go to a location where only I know where it is.

Oh, okay. No, no, no. Lots of adult women know where it is too, kid. We don't need you to take us where... Look, Mickey and I both want to go to Orgasmville, okay?

But that's not a place that you should ever take us.

I thought you wanted to go see the mayor.

Well, maya, maya, maya culpa. Maya, maya scuba. Maya, maya scuba.

Yeah, I thought that's where you needed to go, but I know that you probably don't know this, but in Riddle City, you have to answer Riddle before I help you out.

God damn it, Scripps. Of course we know that. And the only mayor I want to see is John, and I want to watch him dick around in the guitar and be a blues hero.

I get confused. For a piece of shit often, so that doesn't hurt my feelings too much.

Scraps, that's a shame to hear. Can I ask you something, champ? What is your home life like? Well... Do you remember home?

Maybe far away, or maybe real nearby. I lived in a house with raccoons. They told me that I should go by.

The raccoons told you to be bisexual? Now if the raccoons are telling you to go by, you might be JP Riddle.

We're bisexual raccoons and we want the best for you, little scraps. So go on to a new world of being a homeless child.

I just went back into a memory of my homeless raccoon family.

Oh, are the raccoons the ones that broke your legs?

No. No.

Did you jump off a roller coaster? Those are the only two options I can assume.

Yeah, I jumped off a roller coaster.

That'll break your legs quick.

To save other orphans.

It was Orphan Day at the roller coaster. Hold on. Sorry, that's gonna be a dead stop. No, every day's Orphan Day at the roller coaster. I just need to unpack the sentence. It was Orphan Day So orphans don't even get their own amusement park or theme park. They just have one roller coaster in town and it's one that celebrates orphan day, but you can easily jump off of and hurt yourself.

No, it's just not very safe.

It was a roller coaster actually built in celebration of Orphan Black, a very popular Canadian television show.

Well, the orphans haven't been treated very well. We got hired to, and this is really sad because we're kids, but you know how we mostly do riddles for kids? It's because we've been hired to sell puns all over town and to make sure people get addicted to puns all over town. You've been selling puns? They told me I had to. I haven't taken any. None of the kids have taken any, but- Wait a second, are these crutches you're selling full of puns?

Let me take these crutches and-

I needed them, but also they were filled with puns.

Well, they're gone now. I threw them right into that river.

That's okay, I'll crawl. All right, are you ready for the riddle?

Yes, we are. Scraps, we are.

A lonely man lived in his house in the suburb of a city.

Is this your future?

Come on, man.

You ain't cut out for the titty scraps.

I'm an orphan whose crutches you just threw into the ocean. And you're telling me I'm gonna be lonely forever? Come on, man!

And we're back and wouldn't you know, as I took a break and I left my little setup here in my closet, I came back to find a little wrapped present. I think it's a new segment. Do you guys want me to open it? We have a little show to get through, so let's just maybe move on. I saved that for... Yeah, no, no, no, yeah. Sorry, I'm just a little sad. No, that's fine. Let's see what you want to do.

Okay, just another little thing. Just try to be professional when you look this way. It's part of being an adult.

Just call me fucking Leon because I'm nothing but professional.

Adal, can you give me and JPC just one second?

Yeah, okay, let me take off my headphones.

Hey GPC. Hey Erin, I immediately feel attacked. It's a pandemic right now, the world is a little stressful, and I just want to let you know, I think you're doing a really good job with Adal.

Thank you.

Thank you.

My nerves are fried. Just as a joke, I think we should have let him do this.

Erin, the only way that I will consent to doing that is as a joke, and so yes. Hey Adal, can you put your headphones back on? Headphones back on? I'm doing the headphones back on. Why is- Headphones back on?

Oh, okay, Japes is doing a new segment. He's a moose. You're a moose? You are gills. Wait, you're gonna let me do moose time?

I've been sending you guys email after email about doing moose time. You said it's not ready. The idea is not ready.

I told you, you're ripping off Northern Exposure. That's already a segment. Yeah, I put my headphones back on. What do you want?

Adal, I think that we would love to hear your segment. I think that would be very something that we're interested in doing. Yeah, I'm excited.

Why are you shaking your head no?

No, just you can't see me, so shut up.

Yeah, okay. Well, let me go ahead and unwrap it here. Ooh. Oh, wow. I don't know if you all can see this, but we have a new segment called Fully Mackerel. You don't know if we can see the name of the segment? Yeah, it's written on it. Inside the package was a giant mackerel that says Foley on it, so I assume I'm extrapolating, based on the content, that it's called Foley Mackerel. Oh, I see. I thought it was called Axel Fishley. Okay. So I think if I can kind of piece this all together based on the gift I was given and not something I made up moments ago, this is called Fully Mackerel. This is called Fully Mackerel featuring audio daddy Casey Tony and what Casey's going to do is In Foley Mackerel, we're going to tell a big fish of a story, some sort of made-up story, some big lie, and Casey Tony, audio daddy himself, is going to provide the sound effects, much like a Foley artist would. Does that sound fun? Oh yes, that sounds fun to me. So what we'll do?

Yes. Can I leave my present backs that I'm in?

Okay, can somebody unwrap Casey?

Okay, I am very confused because why are there air holes in the first box but not in the second?

Did that dead fish need air because they don't even breathe that? Oh shit, I put air holes in Casey. You put gill holes in Casey's box.

All we need to know is let's figure this out before we open Casey's box.

So what's going to happen is I'm going to start us off and I'm going to start telling a big tale, a big story that's going to have some moments for audio effects. And whenever I'm ready to pass the story off, I will say someone's name. So I'll say Erin or Japes. And then that person will take over the story where I left off. And then you can, you can pass it back whenever you like.

Okie dokie. Okie dokie.

And Casey's going to be doing Foley for the entire story. Casey's going to be doing Foley for the entire story. Casey, audio daddy, you ready?

Yeah, I'm out of the box, I'm dead, I'm a spooky skeleton, and I'm ready to do the sound effects. Guys, I don't think this is gonna work.

I'm ready. I'm ready.

Okay, here we go. This is fully mackerel. On a dark and stormy night, dark-er and stormier, I was drinking a dark and stormy, but I started to choke on the contents of my cocktail. And I managed to scream. Ow. That was a little bit more of a panic scream. And I fell and hit my head on the hard marble floor of my mansion. When I woke up, I felt like I was maybe in some sort of dream state. I saw my cat come over to me and say a curse word. Shit. It didn't even sound like a cat. It just sounded like some guy.

Was that a good swear? Should I do a different swear? Yeah, let's do another one. Okay. Pussy was right there. Am I allowed to say pussy, Erin, do I have permission?

Yes, 100%. Okay.

Pussy? I was so startled that I fell backwards into a plate glass mirror.

Pussy! Japes?

Brushing the scraps of mirror off of myself, I headed over to my record player machine and played a little clip of one of my favorite George Carlin albums. I fast-forwarded past the part where Carlin's just laughing at his own shit to one of my favorite joke segments.

Mmm, yeah. These is the credits for the joke. George Carlin played by George Carlin. Not gonna do the swear word thing.

Okay, took that off. That was kind of a swing of the miss. Reached for a Bitch Hedberg album and gave that a whirl. Pussy. Being done with that part of the night, I decided to walk into my garage and hit the garage door so that it would open up. And opened the door to my Ferrari. I'm sorry, not my Ferrari spaceship, my Ferrari car. You gotta be specific, you gotta be specific. Then I revved that engine to really let that baby purr. Oh, I got out, remembered I didn't put any gas in it, and closed the door. Raising back into the house, I picked up my telephone and was greeted by the familiar sound that a telephone makes when you pick it up. Then I began to dial. And I dialed some more numbers. Enough for a real phone call. And I called up my very good friend, George Carlin, who said, Uh, pussy. George always got me laughing. I hung up the phone, Erin.

And just then I heard a knock at the front door. I opened the door and saw a beautiful woman crying. Just then I realized that that woman was my ex-wife and she started to speak. She sounded like how my cat was supposed to sound. What's going on here? Why is my ex-wife at the door? I go out to the garden with her. I still love you. She said she still loves me. Let me reach down and cut a rose from the garden.

Oh, not that Thorns again. I'm so sorry. Not that Thorns again.

I forgot that she sounded like a spooky Snow White. Oh man, I miss that voice. Just then we began to slow dance in the moonlight to a George Carlin album.

End of scene. Hooray! Nice job.

Casey, give yourself a raise. Okay. Thanks guys. Enjoy the sound effects for the rest of the episode. They're gonna be just like that.

Oh my god, Adal, Erin, I feel like such a fool. What happened? What did we do? You know how we all thought that these ads were kind of a safe space to talk about, you know, what's going on in our lives and our problems and our issues and kind of talk through them? Well, it turns out these are being broadcast to thousands of people in the middle of our episodes.

Yeah, you're talking into a microphone.

Wait, is that why we're getting paid for these? I know I'm just as surprised as you guys, but I have landed on something revolutionary that is going to help us out of this pickle that we all find ourselves in and we're all in the same situation.

You know what?

See, I was about to recommend better help, but if you found something... I was about to launch into how I love pickles because this is an opportunity for me to just rant and rave about what I like. Well, okay. Wait, Erin, what's better help? Oh, do you want to hear about Bradley Better Help Pickers?

No, I don't want to hear about your pickle theory. Why did I say pickles like that? From the South? I don't know.

Well, thank God I'm here because let me tell you about what my thing is and that is Better Help. It's not a crisis line. It's not self-help. It's professional counseling done securely online. This is my favorite kind of way to get therapy because you can send a message to your counselor anytime and they're professionals and it's awesome and you don't have to do that performative one hour of therapy every week. That stressed me the heck out. It's more affordable than traditional offline counseling and financial aid is available.

And BetterHelp will help you with things like, you know, is there something interfering with your happiness, JPC? Is there something preventing you from achieving your goals, JPC? Sorry, I'm mentioning just what's affecting my happiness and affecting me from achieving my goals.

Yeah, and so with better help, not like our ads that go out to thousands of people, everything that you share is confidential, it's convenient, it's professional, and it's affordable, right?

Yeah, and you can start communicating in under 48 hours. That's less than an Eddie Murphy movie.

And it's available worldwide.

Okay, so you're saying that we want people to start living a happier life. And as a listener of our show, you can get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at betterhelp.com slash riddle. JPC, no 10%. That's too much. I don't make the rules. I think that they should join over 1 million people who have taken charge of their mental health. Again, that's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash riddle. This is way better than the idea I was going to pitch.

What were you going to say?

I was going to say whisper ads. We just whisper all the ads and so then we can hear the ads if we whisper all the ads.

Okay, I say this every day, but thank God I'm here. What would happen if I wasn't here, everybody?

Oh wait, GPC. Stop whispering. All these birds started landing on you. The birds are my friends.

What happened? If I wasn't here?

And I do want to see a scene that, this is Sesame Street, and we have some amount of Sesame Street characters and some amount of musicians coming by, whoever you want to play. But the musicians don't necessarily match the tone of the show. These are musicians who probably should not be on a kid's program.

Mr. Elmo, Mr. Elmo is so excited to meet the first musician today. Come on in. Oh my God, it's Gwar, it's Gwar.

This word I was going to say anyway, anyway. Meat, sandwich, crucify, or eat sandwich I'm going to change all you would have right through the dick. Elmo goes in my butt. One, two pieces of meat sandwich man.

Cookie Monster is excited to meet the next musician. I'm Cookie Monster.

Hello, it's me, Sinead O'Connor. I have a picture of a several of us, Rip.

Are you saying that it's Neville Abigail's our Pope?

What are you trying to- I think she's saying that we should fight the real enemy. Except for Neville Abigail's not real.

That's right. Hey y'all, are y'all ready for me? It's me, Uncle Cracker. I don't know.

And me, Anti-Cracker.

The Cracker Barrel Band. You should sing your songs together.

Pig game, play the pig game.

Two left, you're a genius. Two t-shirts for $20.

I don't think you guys know your own song.

I love the idea of guar showing. Honestly, Gwar was the first one in my mind, too. Yeah, I was like, inappropriate. What was the line from Empire Records where... Mark? Hey Mark. Hey Mark. It was like, hey Mark, you're gonna die. Yeah.

You see off into the distance, you see a flagpole. At the top of the flagpole is sort of a pennant, or I guess you would call it a flag, but it's in the shape of sort of a pennant. And there's sort of a brick stairway leading up to the flag, but there's a big gap in between the brick stairway and the flag, probably about 15 feet or so. Oh no. Cardiobros, how do we get over that gap?

Oh, you have to run up the stairs and run and jump and trust. Trust in each other. Ass a fuck. Okay.

I think I- Yeah, you really have to have a lot of trust to ass fuck. Relax. All you have to do is relax.

Have a conversation about it.

Have a conversation about it.

That's not what I said. I said relax. I just didn't say don't have a conversation about it.

I choose a trust, but it takes a little more than trust. I've never done that.

And I will never do that.

I walk up the stairs, uh, grab onto, uh, luwaijai.

Vagina!

I grab on a vagina, toss him to try to see if I can get him to hit the flag.

luwaijai starts to soar and makes it past 90% of the stairs and then falls and breaks his neck.

Oh, he's going to come right back. Oh no! Oh no!

You told me to jump, you little motherfucker!

Oh no, I tried to kill me! Kill me!

And his neck, the bones in his neck are jutting out of his neck.

Are you okay? No!

Oh, kill me! Ew, you're still alive?

Alright, um, hiya!

And since he is a human heart with bones inside, you see that the pumping starts to slow and slow and slow.

Well, he's going to come back. We have infinity lives. I'm not worried about him.

We do. We do.

Oh, well, goodbye.

And you watch, as you say goodbye, you watch the life drain out of La Waija Cardio.

Oh, sad. Goodbye, vagina. I'll see you later.

Cardio, you said that we could make that jump, so why didn't La Waija make it?

You're next motherfucker. No, wait. I know a riddle that will help more stairs grow. Yeah, tell us that.

Okay, I should have done that before your brother dies. Please, uh, please.

We'll kill your whole fucking family, cardio.

Please, no. My wife. Please think of my wife. Don't say my wife. My wife. A beach? A beach. She's a princess beach.

Pyach! Princess Pyach! Wait, hold on. Beach leech? Princess leech?

Oh, Jesus.

I don't know. A little leech in a pink dress?

I'll buy it. Oh, I'm a rock hard. Let me give you the riddle, please.

What kind of coat is always a wet when you put it on? A dog's coat.

Groceries!

And groceries starts to sort of wag its tongue.

So it's like a food coating coat? No.

A coat of paint?

A coat of paint. That's it. A coat of paint.

Nice.

A coat of paint. You're telling me you've never eaten paint in a pinch?

And worse, everything I eat has a pinch of paint.

Well, you're fucking from Indiana.

And as you berate cardio, more stairs start to grow to where you have a full path all the way to the flat.

I pick up cardio, go to the top, and throw him off the side.

Avada Kedavra to you.

No, it's all coming back. As you toss cardio, cardio is high enough up where he just explodes.

Oh, no thanks.

Okay, so be careful of that. And as you climb up, you are inches away from the flag. Oh, great.

Okay, so be careful of that.

I walk up. Groceries, you're with us now. I'm sorry.

I'm going to go on your shoulders, get to the top of the flag so we get an extra life.

Oh yeah, good call. And grocery sorry we killed your mom and dad or whatever we did.

Groceries!

Great! Sorry we killed your mom or dad or whatever we did.

I take an apple. You think Mario and Luigi are Yoshi's mom? I don't know man. Nothing matters. I grab an apple out of groceries and take a bite. As you grab an apple out of groceries, groceries immediately dies. That was it's heart.

That was it's heart? That other thing was a heart. How am I supposed to know? I miss groceries. It's a Grady Smith. And you just hear a death rattle of groceries.

Oh don't say that.

And the bag of groceries shits itself. I'm sorry, fuck. I'm sorry I killed all of your friends.

You're such a jerk.

And the flag is inches away. Okay.

Okay, I'm gonna get in your shoulders. I'm gonna get the points. Here we go.

Okay, fair escape. Erin grabs the very top of the flag. You're almost, for a moment, you're almost sitting on the flag and you hear, paranoia, paranoia, everybody's coming to get me. So that's what plays when you're sitting on the flag and then you slide down. You see an extra life go up to your infinity circle and shrug and then just like fuck off. Um, you slide down. Hey Riddle. No good bitch. No?

No?

Okay. That's what you said. But Molly hands you a bag. What is it? You take the bag. There's a real bag. And you look inside the bag. Erin's got a real bag.

Oh my god! Are you serious?

It's an Nintendo 64. Where did you get this? Well, the bag says the exchange on it, so I'd guess that he bought it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh my god, and it has Banjo Kazooie! Are you serious?

Does this work? Does this work?

Are you serious?

And so Molly gives you the N64 with Banjo and Kazooie. Well, I say in the game Molly gave it to you, I don't pay for it, but that's another here and there.

Erin pulls out what I can only describe as two shoeboxes full of loose apple sauce and a little cartridge. I should have done that.

This is Banjo Kazooie.

This is really nice.

And as you're appreciating the gift, you hear a message from Molly. I'll play it for you.

Did Molly record it? Are you kidding? No way! That's crazy.

Hey Erin, it's your sister Molly. I'm glad you had your fun, but I've been waiting and I need some Pink juice and cheeses. So you better get back to work. And don't forget the dish towel. I like the way it looks. It should be draped over your left arm or running a professional establishment here. So you need to get it right. Okay. Love you.

Oh my god, I'm crying on Hey Riddle Riddle. It's the most embarrassing podcast to cry on.

So you and Molly embrace and hug and you wake up back in Chicago, current day, present day. You're in your apartment, the microwave is clean and still in your bed as you wake up, you're still clutching the Nintendo 64 with Banjo and Kazooie. Those years to keep.

This is my favorite episode of all time. You guys!

Erin's genuinely crying. I don't deserve this. So Erin, you live a wonderful, happy, long life. We celebrate Erin, credits roll, we see the makers of the game. Still stuck inside the game.

Oh my god.

I kind of watched all of this. Still stuck inside the game. As you tap on the glass, the two shoe boxes of applesauce topple over. You're stuck inside the game and you see a doorway appear. There's no riddle to be solved. It's just a regular door almost to like an apartment or a condo. You go through the door and inside is a man who looks like he's been expecting you. You suddenly look down, you realize that you're wearing overalls, the same overalls that the Cardio brothers were wearing, and the man approaches you. What took you so long? What do you mean what took me so long? Huh? I called you hours ago! What? I have a toilet that's backed up full of shit!

You're a plumber, right? You're with the cardio bros? Do I have a plunger in my hand?

Suddenly a plunger does appear.

Yeah, I guess I'm a plumber and I'm... Great, I have a riddle for you.

What clogged my fucking toilet? I don't know, a big shit, you just... Ding, ding, ding. Big old shit.

Get to work. Okay. You have a job, right? Yeah, I guess I'm a plumber. Do I look up and do I still have infinite lives?

As you look up, the sideways eight that represents infinity goes upright. Two and eight. It goes down to seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.

And the one starts to kind of shake. I guess I'll go clean the toilet for you, sir. Great. God, oh, this is a lot of shit. This is all from you? This looks like maybe like a family did this. Nope. This is just you? But I take all kinds of shit. What's your diet? Big shit, delicious.

And JPZ is stuck in the game forever as ass the plumber till his dying day working unclogging toilets. And that's the episode.

That's Nintendo Cafe.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

That is one of the... This is definitely my favorite episode of all time. Thank you so much.

JPC deserves it.

This is crazy.

He deserves what he got.

Actually, I just thought of a question. Sorry to backtrack slightly. Japes, you can answer this for us and only you can answer this. If J.P. Riddles bites someone, does that person turn into a J.P. Riddles? That person turns into a corpse.

Even if it's just like a bite on the toe? Yeah, it's like Last of Us. Like two hours later you're fucking dead.

I got another question. Does J.P. Riddles show up in mirrors?

Yes, it's a long video. It's like a six minute video. He's briefly in it. Justin Timberlake does a little dance and then you can see JP Riddle's eating half a raccoon in the corner of the fridge. They couldn't cut it out. They only had that one shot of Justin doing that dance.

This actually brings, this is a segment Erin and I came up with just now in the moment. This is called Inside the Improv Studio. Of course Erin and I are joined here today by our guest JP Riddles. JP Riddles, how are you today?

I'm a bit better.

So JP Riddles, what is your favorite curse word?

Miss quick.

What's your favorite sound? Huh? What's your favorite sound?

No, I think it was huh.

I did it.

JP Riddles, what do you hope to hear? What do you hope the first words are you hear from God the moment you enter heaven?

Veto.

JP Riddles, what's your favorite smell?

Fart.

JP Riddles, if you could have coffee with anyone living or dead, who would you have coffee with?

J.B.

Riddles, if you had any advice for any young person who wanted to become an actor, what would you say to them?

Do not eat floor cheese.

J.B. Riddles, thank you so much for your time.

Where am I? Why have you brought me here? Put me back in my hole.

I love if you could have coffee with anyone living or dead. Dead.

Is phenomenal. Let's get into it.

So for this first segment, we need some energy. So what's going to happen is just to this sort of rhythm like... That's fast. That's so fast. We're going to list animals doing or holding something. So we might say a snake with an egg roll. 20 eagles fucking. Right? Does that make sense? Or horse with a trumpet.

Doing something or holding something. Yes. Gotcha. Okay. And it could be any number of... Animals? You said 20 eagles.

We're just gonna try and yeah.

Can you explain it one more time?

So literally any animal doing anything. Okay, okay, okay. So the examples I gave were a snake with an egg roll, horse with a trumpet, 20 eagles, fuck king. Got it. Here we go.

A prairie dog with a hand grenade.

A chinchilla with a McDonald's bag.

A fox with a cup of coffee.

A dolphin with a mustache.

A zebra with a cocktail.

A dolphin without a mustache. A monkey with a hand grenade. And that brings us to... That brings us to our very first animal parade.

We've been to two animals in two hours. And our six things that we did.

Well you said something that rhymes with parade, a monkey with a hand grenade. That brings us to our segment Animal Parade. This is a segment within a segment? No, the name of the segment is Animal Parade. The name of the segment is Animal Parade. This was all the lead-up to me announcing it.

Oh! Okay fine, but can we do that again? That was so fun!

So versus getting into the segment, you'd rather replay the intro? That was so fun! Wait a second, wait a second.

You guys are the fucking worst! Wait, that's not the segment, that's the intro? I thought that was the segment! I love that! You are the fucking worst!

Literally before the podcast, I said I'm gonna introduce a segment. The only thing I ask is to go with it and you guys go

What is it we're gonna do? How the fuck would we not know that that was the segment? We embraced it with open arms having no idea that that was the intro to the segment.

I thought that was the segment. I loved that segment. But hold on, who said grenade first? You think I would just explain a game, put a title to it, and that's the first engineer that... Did I say grenade first or did you say grenade first? You said grenade, and then I stopped it to say animal prey because that's the name of the segment.

But how did you know I was gonna say grenade?

I didn't. Holy shit, then that's amazing. That's why I stopped it to move into the segment.

I swear to God, you explained it like this was the sixth win.

I regret nothing. Okay. Can we play again? I'm gonna throw up. All I know. Here we go.

Casey, do not touch this episode.

This episode is perfect. A cheetah with a cactus. A horse with a whisper.

A kitty cat with a boat.

Beaver doing push-ups. A monkey with some lemonade.

An eagle with some pink lemonade.

A bat missing its dad.

A rhino with a superiority complex.

That brings us to Animal Parade. So Animal Parade is a segment I'd like to introduce. Can we also name the segment that we just did?

Yeah, can that be the Adal's Mad segment?

That's always how we get into Animal Parade. Okay, love it, love it. Okay, we're ready. What do you got? I used to be Adal, now I'm a clone, named Madal.

Okay. Can I see the scene I wanted to see before? Please. Now that a good amount of time has passed and it doesn't make sense anymore?

Uh-huh.

Adal, I want you to be Ben Franklin. I'm gonna be the key. And JBC, you're gonna be the kite.

This is amazing.

Adolph and Franklin, you're the key on the kite. Okay, just go outside here. Nice, healthy storm brewing.

It's raining. Shouldn't we go inside?

Ben, what's the end game here? Like, what's gonna happen to Kite and me?

Okay, well I, before I put you... I'm getting all wet. Yes, that's the point. Before I put you in dangerous way, in harm's way, I should explain myself. Of course, you know that I have syphilis, right? Yo. Famously.

We saw you get it.

I'm sorry about that. And I'll tell you what, you can't cure it by wiping it on a kite.

Or a key. I thought third time was a charm for both of those.

But all of Philadelphia is going to know me as the man who cured syphilis. What I'm going to do is put the key on you, the kite, put you up in the air. You'll be a conductor, a catalyst for electricity. What am I, a train driver?

What's electricity?

Well, electricity is- I know what electricity is! I'm all wet, am I beautiful? You're the Tesla girl, right? Vroom, vroom. You invented a car? I'm the Tesla girl, I'm the Cybertruck.

Oh wait, it's starting to thunder and lightning. Okay, we're flying in the sky. Ben! Ben, we're flying!

I'm certainly up here.

Ben!

Now attract some electricity. Attract some lightning. Attract some lightning. I've never attracted anything in my entire life. Except an old man who wiped his genitals out big.

When stimulated or agitated, you can see the blood vessels swell with blood pumping through them. It starts with the letter B, and the inside of it is filled with a clear, almost transparent fluid. No, it's not a beehive. When stimulated or agitated, you can see the blood vessels swell with blood pumping through them. It starts with the letter B and the inside of it is filled with a clear, almost transparent liquid. Is it a blister? It's not a blister. That's a really good guess though. Bunyan? Not a Bunyan.

Is it on a human?

It would be on a human, but it can be on an animal as well. It could be on anything that has this particular, I guess, anatomy.

It's not a boil. It's not a boil. Particular anatomy.

I don't want to, yeah, I'm going to let you guys guess a little. Do I have a hint for you? Yes, please. So when it says it starts with a letter B, this is, there's an adjective to describe the body part and that is what starts with the letter B. Bony butt? Booty butt? I'm sorry. Yep, you can see the blood vessels swell with blood pumping through them on a booty butt. It's not booty butt, no.

An eye. Erin, you got half of it. What's the adjective? A black eye.

When stimulated or agitated, you can see the blood vessels swell with blood pumping through them. It starts with letter B, and the inside of it is filled with a clear, almost transparent fluid.

Blurry eye.

No, what's a condition that can affect your eye? Oh, pink eye. Bloodshot. Bloodshot eye. Erin, I do want to see a scene. Yeah, you are going to be the supervillain Bloodshot and Adal and I are your henchmen and you are describing to us your supervillain plan as Bloodshot.

Mwahaha, I'm turning around in my chair. Gentlemen, bring me my cape and my mimosa.

Yes, bloodshot. Here is your mimosa. And here is your mimosa. Oh, but we breath breath. Mine's no pulp.

You fools! Slap slap. I didn't hit you. Thank you.

I just... No, you slapped the mimosas out of her hair.

Yeah, that's what I did. Sure. Gentlemen, it's almost time for our plan.

Yes, yes. And what is our plan?

Oh, you know it. But I'll tell you anyway. Wait, give me my big, like, cat-to-pat on my lap. Throw him to me.

Here we go.

Here's the cat. Oh, shit. You brought the cat too? Yes, I brought... Oh, wow. Look at this. You pick. You deal his choice on cats.

Throw both cats at me and I'll pet both as I do it. All right, they both went out the window behind me.

But they hugged each other in the air, so they were with each other when they met their fate. And by that, I mean we're on the first floor. They're fine. Cats are scurry. They're actually in love. Look at that. Kind of a beautiful thing.

Well, here's my plan. Can you do the sound of thunder every once in a while while I'm saying it?

Ka-bloom. Well, we saw your notes on your desk, and from what we saw, you want to put corrective lenses on the city? No, no, no.

Shut up. Shut up. I say it. I say it. I'll say it. I want to put corrective lenses. You ruined it. You ruined it.

We're sorry, Bloodshot. You want to put corrective lenses on the moon.

On the moon? So the man on the moon can see better. That's step one of my plan. Step two of my plan is I take away all the eyedrops away from every town so every high teenager will go home and their parents will know.

Well, of course, I don't know if you know this. My name is Visine. That's what you had me be named. So am I in danger?

I named you.

Slap. You slapped a mimosa out of my mouth. That was mine.

That was my personal mimosa.

And now you don't get to enjoy it, Visine.

And my name is Clear Eyes as well.

Full hearts. Can't lose. All right, let's do this, gentlemen. Let's do this.

Wait, we only have two steps of the plan.

Well, there's an age step plan. I'll tell you the rest in the car. Bring the two cats who are in love and all the mimosas you can carry. Adal, you're Humpty Dumpty. And JBC, you're his other egg friend who's daring him to go on top of a wall.

I feel better on the ground. I just want to stay on the ground.

No, man. You're never going to be anything if you stay on the ground. Take it from me, Macklemore. You got to put yourself out there, man. You got to go high, go off, go hard.

I don't want to make anything. I mean, I took your advice and I went to a thrift store and I bought pants. I'm an egg with pants. I think that's enough. I think that sets me apart. No, man. I think people are noticing. People are noticing me.

Every egg is wearing pants nowadays.

Do you want to know something? I was born Charles the Egg. I changed my first name to Humpty because he said it was flavorful.

No, I said humping has flavor.

Look, I've already taken two pieces of advice from you. I changed my first name to Humpty and I bought pants. Look, look, look. I'm not, I'm not going to fall. Do you, did you hear about that gargoyle who fell? I did, yeah. I don't want to be like that. He crushed another egg.

Yeah, he crushed Micklemore, who is my little producer guy.

Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear.

Look, look, I'm going to pop some tags. Remember that? I mean, I'm going to break your shell.

If you don't- How are you going to pop tags? You only have, what is this? 18, 19, 20 dollars in your pocket.

Yeah, get out of my pocket. I'm not running through your pants, man.

Hold on. Sorry, I've been a tailor for 55 years. I'm not sure how to make you these pants.

Oh, is it because I'm an egg?

Yeah, the shape of you. It's confusing. You have these little legs that have seemingly come out of nowhere. But how far up the egg do the pants go?

To your eyes? If this is helpful, let me point to where my genitals are.

I'm picking you up in a bar. Put me down! How far up the egg do the pants go?

Is that a...

I mean all the way. Oh, Humpty Dumpty.

Humpty Dumpty. Something iconic just happened by accident. How far up the egg did the fans go?

Humpty Dumpty.

Hello next t-shirt.

It does sound like Humpty and Dumpty. Humpty and Dumpty. Humpty and Dumpty met up at a bar. Humpty and Dumpty kicked out of my car.

What very far?

Okay, now is a time to rap for Puzzy.

Ooh, okay.

Starting with J.P.C., I went to hear a rap about birds. Okay. Remember, it must be as a robot.

Avian, Avian, what time is it 8 p.m.? If it's time to go to the club, I will fly there with a buzzard. That's my rat.

Great warm up. Now get into it. And I decided to give you each robot names to welcome you into the family. You're going to be Cuzbot, a robot who's everyone's cousin.

What am I, Cuzbot?

You are Lovebot.

Cuzbot here, and it's time to fly. If you like birds, then you like eye. I am one with feathers and wings. Paul McCartney, enjoy heavy sigs. If you like what Cuzbot slings, then you'll like the band Wings. It's got Paul McCartney in it. I like him. Wow. Really doubled down on Paul McCartney.

We also be doubling down on Paul McCartney.

Yeah, I got really too focused on Paul McCartney. It happens sometimes when I rap. Okay. It's your game to steal here, Erin. Erin, do you like Lovebot?

I do like Lovebot.

Great. Here you go. Lovebot, please rap for Puzzy. Topic of birds.

Birds? My favorite bird likes to eat. He lives on Sesame Street.

Stop, stop, stop the competition.

Stop, stop it. Everyone's buttholes get so tight when I start to rap and everyone dives under the table. I'm not rapping.

I was calling it off to say that you have one. That was amazing.

That was really good.

Erin, you are amazing. Love bot, love bot, love bot.

Why does everyone dive under the table every night?

Because it just so happens when you start to rap, there are bomb warnings. Yeah, it's more of an inconvenient time that you're rapping than anything else.

Guys, I try.

So I want to see a scene. So we all know Jack and Rose are the famous couple that was canonically on the Titanic, drawn me like one of your French girls. So Jack and Rose were the epitome of like romance and young love on that ship. We're going to see the two of you and you are brack and lows. So you're like, you're like Jack and Rose, but like way less romantic, way less charming or good looking. And you're both like, you're not young. And we're catching you on one of your heated moments.

I think what I did was I pinched myself in the groin region with my belt when I was sitting.

I don't care what you say. You're not getting on this door. You're going to wait in the water. There's no thing that you could say that's going to elicit sympathy from me. I have a groin injury.

Let me on the door.

No, I'm on the door. It's family owned love.

Excuse me, I'm in one of the life rafts.

I think you could both fit on that door.

No, no.

That gentleman, that gentleman, I do not like his look. I do not like his mustache.

I do not trust him. We'll wait for the next one, mustache. Okay, mustache.

Wait for the next door.

Yeah, for the next story to come along.

If I could feel down into the water, I would be checking for my wallet because I do not like the look of that gentleman.

I did not like his mustache.

I do not care for the mustache.

And you'll die in that water before I do, I swear to God. One of us is dying and it's not low.

You know what? I can't wait to die because when I die, I'm sinking straight to the bottom, I'm going to the devil, and I'm telling him that you bleach your teeth.

Not if I die first. Not if I die first. I'll tell the devil you'd bleach your teeth.

First of all, I don't bleach my teeth. I kiss you after you bleach yours. I get residual bleach, but it is not. You know what?

Lucky you, you're like the little bird that's inside of your crocodile. I'm sorry. Die in the bottom of the Atlantic.

Same. Like the little bird, the crocodile.

Alright, last one. Futility, waterfowl. Utility, waterfowl. Okay, comment one. Yeah, it's comment swam. Good night everybody.

You killed a waterfowl? Fucked like a duck.

Which means I didn't get wet because of the way my feathers are.

You fucked me like a duck. It was the worst lay I had in my entire life. You have a corkscrew penis, sir.

I fucked like a duck. There's a lot happening below the surface and nothing happening up top.

It's like milk off a duck's back. Utility, is that what you said?

Futility.

Futility. Futility. Waterfowl. Swan. Swan Song. Swan. Ron Swan Song. Uh, what are some waterfowls? So we have swans, we have ducks.

This isn't to set up to do swan lumps, is it? No. Okay, thank God. We have party fowls. Contractually will not do that.

Erin is duck- Right.

Contractually.

I am contractually obligated.

I am contraptionally obligated. I built this thing in close to the door.

I'm an inventor, yeah. Erin, is duck the correct word part of it? No. Is swan goose?

No. Uh-huh.

Goose. What's good for the goose for the water bill?

What's good for the what's good for the goose? I have a question for you guys. This is actually a question that Mariah asked me the other day. Would you say that you're more loosey or more goosey? Like where do you land on the loosey goosey?

I'm more goosey because I get uptight in terms of like I don't like to I don't like I have very specific things I like and don't like.

I'm more loosey because I'm constantly tricking men who have very little hair with a football. To kick a football? Yeah.

Yeah, I think I'm more goosey and it's like a real reason like Adal said because I'm like way more uptight and stringent and so Erin's the only one that did a joke answer for that.

And you also... Yeah, I'm the one making too many jokes on this podcast. Fuck all y'all. Oh, I hit my wall today motherfuckers. Oh, you want to hear a lady go crazy? Put her on a riddle podcast for 120 fucking episodes. Put her in a closet that's 150 degrees.

Have her sweating.

We're all out of breaks.

Goddamn moisturizer. Oh yeah, have her do riddles.

I guess we should just listen.

Have her do improv with boys who are so good at yes and, but they get on a riddle podcast and they do no but. They talk about buts.

First of all, I would never say Adal has no butt. That guy's... It's Junk a la Trunk. All caboose, baby. It's pedunkadunk season whenever he walks into a room.

They call me... My high school nickname was pedunkicon. Oh, Erin's wearing... Erin's wearing lingerie and a trash bag.

Erin's actually like, she knows the results of the election.

Donkey Donnie, I finally went insane. Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie

I think that's what the podcast is now.

Well, honestly I was looking at taking an episode and cutting a trailer out of it. It just like maybe like two minutes of like what we do best and that might be it.

That might be our new trailer.

We should send that to prospective guests and be like would you like to do it? It's just like an improv Riddle podcast.

Guys, I'm begging you, no one take that out of context.

Erin, the next time you audition for something, will you do what you just did as a monologue?

Oh yeah, a hundred percent. It'll be for like a Folgers commercial, and it'll just be that.

The best part of tooty dooty, donkey losing my mind.

Six months from now, someone is going to send us one of those like, what are those called? Those animatics, those digital animations of just that two minutes of the show.

Oh yeah, the animatics. That's Wacko, Yacko, and Dot.

That one was Wild Goose Chase. And now, thank you so much for all those were amazing.

Wild Goose Chase. I liked that clip show.

Yeah. Oh, my favorite one was the third clip and also the seventh clip.

I liked the one where you were all, oh, I'm doing this joke. And JBC was like, but what about this one? And then I went, I'm here too.

I had three favorite moments. It was the scene where Adal was being very funny in the scene. My second favorite was the one where Erin was being very funny. I didn't know this makes me such a jerk, but my third favorite, Casey's editing. That was my third favorite. They were great moments.

It's fun to think of each clip as a present we unwrapped with our ears. Well, listeners, we hope you enjoyed it. New listeners, we hope you go back and check out all of our previous catalog. And if you enjoy us, please check out our Patreon, patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle. We hope you have a wonderful holiday.

Oh yeah, and especially because we have a very special JP Riddle's Christmas episode on the Patreon coming this Friday, so that should be fun.

Oh yeah, that's going to be something you're going to want to listen to.

I had to lay down after we recorded it. Anyhoozle, Merry Christmas and to all a good night.

Well, hold on. Well, hold on. Now, one of the one of the reindeers that never gets to go on the sleigh, right, is like a little runt of a reindeer that nobody likes. It's all mangy and it's covered in sour cream.

And Erin, that reindeer's name is on Jupiter.

Is that a real reindeer name? Forever. No, it's not.

That was a headgun podcast.