Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a Headgum podcast.

Hey, Erin, Adal, cool cats. Notice anything new and cool about me, specifically from underneath my eyebrows to above my nose?

Underneath your eyebrows, to your eyes, I guess. I got aviator sunglasses, my man.

Cool. Also, unrelated, your hair looks really full and amazing.

Okay. Wow, I was not expecting that compliment. I was not expecting two compliments in one day. I'll be honest with you guys. It's not just the aviators that are new. I've actually done something with my hair. You know how guys have so much of their identity wrapped up in our hair and how it feels after getting a fresh cut? Oh, the way it's perfectly styled just before going out. Well, that's why I'm going to keep my hair for as long as I can. And that's why I'm using keeps, baby.

Damn, that sounds so cool. You know, ever since I was a kid, I always wanted my hair to look like animated Egon Spanglers.

Okay, well, that's such a weird thing for a little kid to watch.

I'm so glad that you're using keeps, because did you know, and I'm going to be the one to tell you, two out of three guys will experience some form of male pattern baldness by the time they're 35, and the best way to prevent hair loss is to do something about it.

Or Erin, sometimes way, way, way younger. Okay. And I mean way younger.

Like six? Five, six?

No, it's... Also with Keeps, the cool thing is that I've heard all the rage, you can get treated from home. You used to have to go to the doctor's office for your hair loss prescription, but now Keeps lets you visit a doctor online and get hair loss medication delivered right to your home, right to your boat. They make it easy, they can deliver medication to you every three months, and you can say goodbye To those annoying, frustrating pharmacy checkout lines that you shouldn't be in anyway, and awkward doctor visits. Oh, doctors are so awkward.

And the visits? Also, Keif offers generic versions, and you guys know I'm Johnny Generic, of the only two FDA approved hair loss products out there. You may have tried them before, but you've never tried them for this price, baby.

I have one more point to make.

Yes, please.

Prevention is key. Keef's treatment typically takes between four to six months to see results, so it's important to act fast. The sooner you start using Keef's, the more hair you'll save.

And JPCL say with your aviator sunglasses, you look like an action movie hero. And to take action and prevent hair loss, go to keef.com slash riddle to receive your first month of treatment for free. That's K-E-E-P-S dot com slash riddle. K-E-E-P-S dot com slash riddle.

Honestly, I wish I would have known this is how you guys would have reacted. I never would have spent these $10 on these aviator sunglasses. They cut up my eyes.

$10?

Just put them up in your hair. I can't. They're stuck.

I have a burp stuck in me.

Let's do some burp time. You have a burp stuck in you? I got a burp stuck in me.

Get it out!

What is it? I would be so fascinated just to be Erin for a day, just to like go through what she goes through to think how she thinks. She's a Christ. Casey, please tell me you're recording video of this.

Oh, it's being recorded.

There's a monster inside me.

Oh, this is our new spinoff podcast. Erin's being exercised.

I also can't burp. If I had a burp stuck in me too, it would be the worst pain.

Erin, we brought you breakfast in bed. You got your eggs.

How did you get a kid in my house? Shush, shush, shush, no.

How did we get a kid of your eggs?

Yeah, I lock up my eggs.

As any sane person would do, otherwise you get a fox in the den. I will say I put a key in all of your chicken's butts, and it somehow released the eggs. So here you go. Happy morning. And I made you my special JPC scramble. It's eggs and piss? Yeah.

No, it's a wrap. It's a little boop-boop-chitch-boop-boop-boop-booch. It's a G.P.C. scramble, and a scribble, and a scribble, and a scribble, and a scribble, and a scribble, and a scribble, and a scribble, and a scribble, and a scribble, and a scribble, and a scribble, and a scribble, and a scribble, and a scribble, and a scribble, and a scribble, and a scribble, and a scribble, and a scribble, and a scribble, and a scribble, and a scribble, and a scribble, and a scribble, and a scribble, and a scribble, and a scribble, and a scribble, and a scribble, and a scribble, and a scribble, and a scribble, and a scribble, and a scribble, and a scribble, and a scribble, and a scribble, and a scribble, and a scribble, and a scribble, and a scribble, and a scribble, and a scrib

This is the worst Mother's Day ever. First of all, you're not my sons. Second of all, this is not even cooked eggs. JPC peed on some eggs and you guys clearly like stamped on them, put them on this plate on the serving tray, orange juice with pulp and a little flour.

We did our best. Yeah. I made you orange juice with a pulp because you always say, I want to drink like common people. Right?

Okay, I love my sons. Let's go out for a same.

Mommy's back.

Ew, ew, ew.

I'm Adal Rifai. I'm little mommy's boy.

And I have a burp stuck in my chest.

No, Erin. That's the worst, Erin. That's the worst. We made your breakfast in bed because we failed last episode to ask you how your birthday was. You just celebrated a birthday not too long ago. How was your birthday?

A couple weeks ago, yeah. I'm 29 now. I was 26 when we started recording this podcast and now I'm 29. I have a little less than a year before I'm 30. It was good. I got my period. I cried. Aww.

In that order?

Yes. It was good. I had a good birthday. I wanted to tell you guys I was with Sean's family because his brother... You what?

I'm sorry. You were with him? How dare you?

His brother's birthday is the day before mine. So sort of a joint birthday celebration.

Ooh, a Spike Lee joint.

And we were eating dinner and it sort of turned into them telling me riddles on my birthday. About an hour into dinner, everyone sort of went around and told me all the riddles they knew. And I was like, wow, did they send you? Did JPC and Adal get to you guys too? And they're like, Erin, you're paranoid. And then they just backed out of the room.

To me that feels like Like when Muhammad Ali was retired and everyone that took a picture with him wanted to like do the boxing fists. And it's just like, I don't want to pose with a riddle. I don't want to hear about riddles. I'm happy to meet anyone. Happy to take a picture. I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to talk to you about riddles. The riddle pose is this. This is work. This podcast is work. I don't want to talk about work when I'm off work.

No, it was so sweet of them. They were like trying to get on board with my interest, but I was like, Wow, they don't know I hate riddles.

I have to ask, is this episode going to be the riddles they pose to you?

We already did them because there was an episode where I did all of the Coyle family riddles. Probably episode 11 or 12.

It feels like that thing where like you tell someone that you're a comedian or that you're like an improviser and then they start to like tell you like all the jokes that they know or like, have you heard this one? Except like riddles is like an infinitely less relatable thing. Like humor is pretty common because everyone enjoys a laugh, but like not many people enjoy a puzzle or to be tricked.

To be fooled. I do. Question for our listeners really quick. After the, what was it, Bogota, Colombia incident where 100,000 people-ish have messaged JPC with the link to that song?

I think it was the most explosive that we have received fan content about the show. And to be clear, I think a lot of people were like, I remember this! Like, I think that song was way more ubiquitous in grade school and high schools all across the country than I had any idea.

Where a million Magic Tavern fans all send me either DMs or emails or links on social media to a recipe for pizza skulls. It's like a pastry, it's like a puff pastry, it's like skulls with pizza inside of them because once on an episode years ago we talked about pizza skull and so every single year we get a million people reaching out to be like, have you seen this? And I can't stress enough, we have.

That's really sweet that they care so much about Bogota, Colombia, and Pisco. I'm hoping to jar memory for people. I think I've talked about this in the show before, but I'm starting to feel a little crazy because I don't know anyone else who had this when they were a kid. In the 80s and early 90s there was a thing that you could get at like novelty shops where it was a tape and there's only one song on the tape and it is a birthday song but it's not happy birthday it's an original song but it would plug people's names into it. So you would like go and there would be all these tapes in different like categories for songs and it would be like Michael, Jennifer, Erin, and my mom would get us these birthday tapes and so it was like these original songs that the guy who recorded them recorded everyone in the universe's name too that they would just plug into that song and my mom would play it every year on our birthday. Sorry.

Sorry Adal, it's no. They did not have Adal.

I have no idea. I didn't keep track of all these tapes and I haven't met anyone who had... One of these at all.

My son's name is Bort as well.

Let alone the specific one I had. And if you had the Zoom birthday song tape cassette with your name in it, please message me so I feel less crazy.

Do you remember what the song sounds like here?

Yeah, of course. It's like, hey, Erin, it's your birthday. I'm in charge of the stars and I'm here to say, hey, Erin, you're the big star today. My name is Zoom and I live on the moon and I've came down to earth just to sing you this tune. Singing, Erin. Happy birthday.

I see what happened here. Erin, you walked into a store and stumbled into a drunk Frank Sinatra. What happened was he asked your name and he put together a little lounge act just for you.

Well let me sing you the end and then you can tell me if this sounds like him. And so tonight when you're in bed fly me to the moon and I've got blue eyes and I'm drunk and drunk on lemonade and vodka and beer and all the other stuff and drugs and I'm Frank Sinatra and I'm drunk in a store. Happy birthday, Erin. See you next year.

Wait, now that could have been Dean Martin. Yeah, that could have been Dean Martin. That could have been any of the creators. When he was drunk, he would call himself Frank Sinatra.

Yeah, same idea of his junior old blue eyes.

I was trying to describe this Tushawn on my birthday and was struggling, and I was like, I need to mention this on Hey Riddle Riddle, because someone will know what I'm talking about, and I would love.

The internet and the fans will come to your rescue, Erin.

Can I point out that you said this Tushawn, but the way you said Tushawn was like two chains? Tushawn?

Well I said it to 2 Chainz and 2 Chainz said it to Sean.

And 2 Chainz whispered it to Sean because Erin and Sean are not talking right now. I don't even know what state he lives in. 2 Chainz hates to be in the middle of it but there he is. Well here's what I'll say.

This summer on NBC, two chains in Erin. I recognize what Erin's doing. So we just talked about how JPC putting that song out into the atmosphere, into the ether, has caused us to have the most feedback ever. So what Erin's doing is she's trying to piggyback onto the success of JPC's South America song. So, Erin, you're being so transparent, and I'm going to absolutely join you. And I'm going to say, hey, remember... Hey, all you six-year-olds, remember there was a candy that was like a little coffin with a bunch of bones inside of it and you'd eat the bones?

I think Adal was just eating bones out of coffins.

I think you eat coffin bones, my man.

And then you go to the doctor and they say you have a mummy's curse in your tummy.

One thing that I would, I guess there is a place that I could get this, but it's not in a place near me. When I was younger, my grandparents used to have a condo in Florida that they would go to for like five months out of the year in the wintertime. And we would drive down there, you know, in our car. And we didn't have these in Indiana, but once you go south, you have this place called Waffle House, which you guys are familiar with Waffle House, right?

Oh yeah, delicious. I've never had a Waffle.

Good. Okay, but you're familiar with a house where you would procure one. But in the Waffle House, they have a jukebox and we were so unfamiliar with jukeboxes that we would go crazy when we saw the jukebox in the Waffle House. And we were like driving through Tennessee, we had stopped at a Waffle House. It was early, early morning. Like we had like driven through the night and it was early morning. We were eating Waffle House when we were very young kids. And we begged my mom for quarters so that we could put songs in the jukebox. And the song that we played, we played it like three times in a row, was a song called Happy Birthday Waffle House. But here's the thing, we were looking for the shittiest song to play in the Waffle House because we thought that we were leaving, but my mom had not yet paid the check. So we're all sitting there at the table when the song Happy Birthday Waffle House came on, and it was just us and truckers in there, and like not truckers in a good mood. Like when I say truckers, I mean like, I mean these are people who... I love when truckers are in a good mood. These are not happy to be their truckers, but I remember the song Happy Birthday Waffle House had come on again and one of the truckers looked at me and my brothers and goes, you're not from around here are you?

You got one of those in real life?

I don't know anybody who's ever gotten a real one of those. That's like getting a y'all come back now you hear. Those are so rare. That's like a diamond.

When you're a young boy and you are did a prank and the prank is falling apart at the seams and the song like happy birthday waffle house is like playing on the jukebox for the second time. You don't want to get a you're not from around here are you? That's fantastic.

Well speaking of you're not from around here all of us are very very young and we hate puzzles but we have amongst our myths we have old man puzzles who's that today?

I'm so old I have a blanket over my knees and legs.

Oh FDR you shouldn't no don't try and stand up.

No I have this chair and I sit and watch my stories and my grandson comes and he reads to me every day after school.

I mean, Old Man Puzzles, you're talking like this is a fucked up and weird thing, but I legit love to sit with a blanket over my legs. Oh my god, just to have a blanket and trap that heat in, in the wintertime, nothing goes better.

I have that little British water bottle I put on my feet and it gives me more.

Oh, this is a Dasani. Oh, and Old Man Puzzles, is your grandson that lamp with a leather jacket hung over it?

Yeah, she's a dear handsome and tall. I love him. Sometimes we dance. She's not moving.

It's so eerie. She's sitting perfectly steel and singing.

I think Old Man Puzzles is also singing I'm Blue Abadi Abada right now.

No, it's another one. Can I tell you about the time I met Frank Sinatra?

No, please, please. No, please don't. We just wanted to do puzzles.

All right. Well, I'll tell you. He was here.

Old Blue Eyes Puzzles?

Yeah, and he sang to me and I said, Frank Sinatra, you better get two feet away from me because I'm married and if I faint right now, it'll be right into your mouth with the kiss. And then he said, Ma'am, I'm the mailman. Is there someone I can call?

Should we be recording this? I feel like this is exploitative. We should play this at therapy.

JPC, I think Erin just created a new character called Gene P. Riddle.

I got very confused earlier and I put fudge and popsicles in a casserole dish.

This is Grandma Puzzles. Grandma Puzzles is the newest character in our show that's got 120-something episodes. Thank you, Grandma Puzzles.

Thank you, Grandma Puzzles. Please take me to the backyard so I can watch the sprinklers go.

Grandma Puzzles, can we have a Werther's Original Riddle, please?

That's fine. Alright.

Also, Grandma Puzzles, can we take you to the farm upstate?

The one where all those dead dogs are, or the one where I can go apple picking from a window.

The first one.

Okay.

The one where they grow dead dogs.

All right. Actually, and here's what's cool, everybody.

I'm ready. We'll decide what's cool.

All of our riddles are coming from one listener this week.

No, shut up. Who? Who? I'm jealous of them.

Oh, he's getting, well, Phil Hoy, and you can use my full name if you want, is getting all the attention. So Phil Hoy was saying, so I was planning to send you a hundred riddles to keep you afloat for a bit, which is very sweet.

That's wild.

But we sink like rocks, so good luck.

Speaking of keeping us afloat and sinking like rocks, isn't Phil Hoy what a naval captain yells when they see land?

No, you're thinking of, oh shit! Guys, come up here! Quick, quick, quick!

Phil Hoy! Phil Hoy is what a naval captain yells when they see cookies. That's right. Chips Ahoy.

Oh my god, someone give JPC a comedy medal.

Well, I was thinking if your name is Phil Hoy and you do decide that you're going to have children, which I think that, you know, is irresponsible, Phil, frankly. But if you do, Chip. Chip Hoy. That's a great name.

And JBC, real quick, I do have to give you some comedy metal. Aluminum. It's probably the funniest metal.

Oh boy. Okay, so I made it to 30, so we didn't make it to 100. Something before the life burnout associated with 2020 kicked in. Still, hopefully you guys enjoy these. We will. Thanks for being one of my favorite podcasts and entertaining me every week. You guys are amazing. Thank you so much. Phil, these are wonderful and I'm gonna just get started. I did that old lady bit for too long. I don't know what happened. I forgot that we had to do riddles. Here we go. Are you ready?

Yes, and it's so cool it's 30 because, Erin, you're about to turn 30, and so this is like your birthday in rooms.

Don't rush my life. I loved when I turned 29, people immediately started talking about how I'm about to turn 30.

We're absolutely making hats that say don't rush my life.

Don't tell Sean that I'll ever be 30, or I'll peck all of his bags and get out the door.

When my older brother, who's three years older than me, turned 29, I spent that whole year telling him that he was closer to death than 30.

Oh my god. Okay, ready? Yes. A single letter would suffice for my name to be said. A second letter is used twice. Let that buzz around your head. This is a warm-up riddle.

Okay, I think I know the answer. I think I know the answer.

Oh, I think I know the answer. Who am I? I think I know the answer. Adal, you're Adal.

You're Adal. Oh, I sound like that too. Damn it. The answer better be... B. B. B's are dying rapidly and we need to save them. Okay, I want to see a scene. JPC and Erin, you are two bees, and you've found out that neither one of you can have honey, and make honey. Sure. And to bees, honey's like children.

Got it, thank you. So what are bees? It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. We're two bees, we can't make honey. Oh my God, long shift today for the queen. Yeah. But now I'm ready to come home and put in my shift for my queen.

I have a secret.

I feel really bad about what I just said.

No, it's fine. It's fine.

Because obviously she's my queen and you're not, I mean, I love you as well, but she's, you know, it's work. Okay. I'm locking the door.

No, but you're doing the work and we talked about that in therapy and I appreciate you doing the work.

I'm being honest.

What's going on? Okay. Just lock the door and close the blinds.

It's locked. Yeah. Close the blinds. Okay. Hold on.

I don't want anyone hearing this.

Step ladder to get these fucking blinds. Those windows are so big in this apiary. Apiary? Why do they call it an apiary, by the way? Do we look like apes?

Honey, I didn't go to school. I don't know. I skipped. I was cool in high school. Remember?

Yeah, I do remember. Okay. I was, uh, you know, a nerd.

And we fell in love anyway.

Love anyway.

Yeah. Okay. So, okay. So I, I've been going to work, right?

Sure, we all do.

Yeah, we have to fucking clean. We fly around, right? And then in a little like, what are they called, like diamondy things?

Flowers.

Like the hive. No, no, not flowers, like that. We go to flowers, right? We say, hi, hello. We get the stuff from the flowers and then we bring it back to like the little comb, honeycomb part. Honeycomb. Yeah, like the comb part. Yes. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle. You're not cheating.

I got one hand job, but I've been in therapy for four years and you're not cheating?

That's not what the therapy is about, okay?

The therapy is punishment. The therapy is punishment, Mary.

It absolutely isn't punishment. And who only wants hand jobs in their life?

I didn't even want it. I was on an airplane and I misunderstood what they were saying.

Can I come out from under the bed? Who is this? Who is this, Mary? It's Beezus Christ. Hey, I just want to say I'm sorry. Beezus Christ.

You got a lot of nerve showing up here.

He's the one who makes the Trader Joe's honey. That's why it's so good.

I turn honey into more honey, and I also have sticky mata. Can I come out?

Can I come out? Can I come out from behind the cabinet? Who's that? It's me. It's B. Elzebub.

Honey, I don't know what to tell you. You got a hand drop on an airplane a few years ago, and now I'm sleeping with B. Elzebub and B. Jesus Christ.

Actually, just to be clear,

I'm sleeping with Beaausebop. I didn't know that he was going to get my spot blown up here. So you're also sleeping with Beaausebop.

Oh, fuck. Okay. Well, you know what? I'm going to get the queen. I'm going to get the queen and tell her that you can't produce honey. Okay?

Damn. Honestly, let's get the queen. Let's turn this into a little fivesome action. I'm into that.

See? All those bees are about to get really horny for each other.

What did you think a bee's like when it gets horny? Have you ever seen a B-movie? Just like that.

Jerry Seinfeld.

Jerry Seinfeld, yeah.

I'm not found in any store, but that might be what I do. Otherwise, I'm adding more texture to the blue. Oh my god, my Boston accent just came out. Am I okay? Texture to the blue.

I told you I'd text you. Just wait. It's only been two days. I'm going to text you.

You promised me a text four days ago.

He tried to jump over the fence and he got his escort.

Erin, I went too hard on the Boston thing. Can you please read the Riddle again? I don't hear it.

He went too hard in his head. Okay. I'm not found in any store, but that might be what I do. Otherwise, I'm adding more texture to the blue.

I don't know, pants that fucking fit me. Texture to the blue. Not found in any store, but that's what I do.

Just focus on, I would say, focus on the otherwise. I'm adding more texture to the blue. What's blue?

What's blue? Blue's a color. Water. No.

Well, sort of, water's involved.

So you're going to disagree that blue is a color, Erin?

So I think I might have a clue or a clue. I think I might have a lead on the first part. So the first part is I'm not found in any store, but that's what I'll do or something.

But that might be what I do.

So you store something. So this is something that you would store something in?

Yeah, but I wouldn't exactly, I would never have used that word naturally.

Oh, the container store.

I love the container store.

Oh, Erin! I walk around there for hours and it's my dream place and so forth. And they say, they say, sir, wear a mask. Or it could be like Dunkaroos because I can't, I never find those in shells anymore.

I don't think, yeah, I think they maybe went out of business, right?

Oh, that stinks.

Yeah.

All right, what is something that's blue, that's not water? The sky. The sky! What adds texture to the sky? Clouds. Clouds! They store water.

It's the answer to clouds. Oh, clouds. Clowns add texture.

Much scarier world if there's clouds in the sky instead of clouds. Mommy, can you kill the sky clown? Mommy, if I'm in a tall, tall building and I reach out the window with a coffee cup, can I scoop up a clown?

I quit. I quit being your mom. I'm done.

Alright, here we go. It's easier to be aware. You'll find, as long as I'm around, feel the burn, I'll make you care. It's not safe, so I'll bring sound.

Either a wolf or Richard Simmons. It's easier to be aware we're wolf, but then workouts, Richard Simmons.

It's easier to be aware. You'll find as long as I'm around. It's easier to be aware you'll find as long as I'm around. Feel the burn.

I am once again asking you to solve this riddle.

I'll take you there. It's not safe, so I'll bring sound. Sorry, I like while I was reading that, I wasn't here mentally. Do you know what I mean? The first time through when I was reading that?

Oh yeah. I went somewhere else. We saw it in your eyes. Your pupils turned into little clown smiles.

Honestly, you reminded me of a moment with my mom. Not that she ever quit being my mom. But that brought me back to a memory for a second and I was like, whoa. So I wasn't paying attention when I was reading that Riddle. What's up?

Do you mind sharing that memory?

No, it has nothing to do with us fighting or anything. It's just like you said the word mom and it like jostled in my brain.

Can we still hear the memory?

That's why they called me the mom jostler. We can't sing Cats. We can't sing Cats on two back-to-back episodes.

One of these episodes has to go.

It's easier to be aware you'll find as long as I'm around. Feel the burn I'll make you care it's not safe so I'll bring sound.

Not safe, sobering sound. Makes me think of like when people in movies wear a stethoscope and they put it up to the safe to hear the sound of the click so they can open it up. Is it a stethoscope?

No.

Does it have anything to do with a safe cracker? No. Nutcracker.

No. But I love Uncle Cracker. I love all of these Christmas ballets.

Follow me and it is Christmas time.

My name is St. Nick. Uncle Cracker was friends with Kid Rock, I think, right?

Yeah, they were friends or cousins. I don't think so. I don't think they were related.

I think it's like a Snoop Dogg Eazy E situation. I think they're cousins. Or Warren G. I'm sorry.

I'd say the part that's going to help you get it the most is feel the burn. I'll make you care. It's not safe, so I'll bring sound. It's not safe, so I'll bring sound.

It's not safe, so I'll bring sound. Safe and sound. Oh, it's the Capital Cities, or what's the name of that band?

What makes sound when it's not safe? An alarm. An alarm.

A fire alarm. A smoke alarm. Just any alarm. Any alarm. No, a fire alarm, but the smoke alarm.

I want to see a scene. JPC, you are upstairs asleep when suddenly your alarm goes off. You don't know why, but you have to go turn it off and check in with it. Erin, you are the alarm.

Oh god, uh, uh, uh, fuck, how do I, how do I, oh god.

Oh my gosh, there's a fire. Uh, oh, fuck, you should probably get out or someone's cooking.

No, no, no, no, no, there's no fire.

Ah, fuck, fuck, fuck.

No, no, no, it was just, it was smoke, it sets off the alarm all the time.

Oh my god.

It's not the fire, we were just cooking. There's a fire. It's not even smoke, no.

Oh my god. Do you know how the fire broke up with me once? Off. Off. Off. That's how.

Oh, that was a bit cancel. Cancel alarm.

Cancel alarm. He, a fire broke up with me and now he's here? Can you tell him to go?

No, no, no, no. There's no fire here. I don't know what, I can't, I don't know.

Are you kidding me? Dude, are you obsessed with me? Are you following?

All right, let me just let me touch it so I can take the batteries out. I'm gonna go run back.

Oh my God. Excuse me. What are you doing?

I was gonna take the batteries out.

I need those.

Okay. I'm sorry.

You want to die in the night? Because I'm not here to tell you that fire is here.

I'm trying to say that there is no fire.

There's no fire. There's a false... Oh my God.

Can I get you something?

What is wrong with me? I thought for sure there was a fire.

No, there's nothing there's nothing wrong with you. Oh, hold on. I'm sorry. Hang on for a second. My doorbell is ringing. It's so late. Yeah, just be there for a second.

Hello. Hey, I'm from the fire department. We heard that there was an alarm or something going on.

Yeah, I'm so sorry. My smoke alarm went off. I think one of my roommates was cooking, but it does this all the time. It shouldn't be a big deal.

Wait, smoke's here? No! Oh my god, are you kidding me?

Smoke! Yeah, I'm sorry. It's not a big deal, but there's nothing I can do about it. You can't take the batteries out, so.

Oh. Okay. All right. We're cool? Yeah, we're cool. Okay. Also, I'm from the fire department. I represent a large number of people who have recently been fired.

You from the fired department. Okay, I let you into my house. This was a big mistake. Can I have some cake?

What's that? Can I have some cake? It smells bad in here.

Hey man, you brought the cake in here so you could have as much of it as you want. It's your cake. Maybe grab a plate if you're gonna eat cake. I'm sorry about the bad smell. That might be this man's cake.

This may be a dream. You clearly died from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. That was my body warning me to be like, you have to get up now because the poisoning is getting you.

Well, let's go ahead and take a quick break. Everyone, please check the batteries in your smoke alarm and your fire detector, whatever those are called. Check your safe, hide your children, hide your wives. And we'll be right back with more Grandma puzzles.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

Ahem, bell sound, bell sound. JPC, Erin, please come in here. You're right. Yes, please come into the kitchen. I've let you know myself, Adal, the owner of this estate. I've just let the chef go, my personal chef, and I'm having an issue. I don't know how to cook. You know, I don't myself. I've never worked a day in my life. Look at these hands. What should I do then? I fired my personal chef.

Could we recommend something we have lots of personal experience with?

Yes, of course.

I'll tell you, my boyfriend and I have a subscription to this thing and we get the food and then we laugh in the kitchen because it always sounds like we're doing an ad for this thing because we're so obsessed with it. We listen to music and we make food that gets sent right to our house. It's called Hello Fresh. JPC hit it.

Hello Fresh America's number one meal kit.

Oh, I didn't know you sang, JPC. You've been hiding a talent. I didn't know I sang until this very moment.

But HelloFresh has helped me sing by helping me eat more sustainably. HelloFresh is the first global carbon neutral meal kit company. It allows you to skip the grocery store and has the foods delivered right to you, which helps eliminate food waste by at least 25%.

What I'm hearing is... Oh, go ahead, please. No, please. I'm hearing that this is flexible for my lifestyle. So even though I sound rich, I'm not. But this sounds delicious and affordable. And I can easily change delivery days or meal plan preferences and skip a week laissez-faire whenever you need to write on an app. I keep my fridge stocked, adding extra meals, additional proteins, quick meals like breakfast on the go, or the 10-minute lunches. That sounds delicious.

I order extra avocado, sir.

Please don't call me sir. We're just friends. You don't have to work for me.

Let me do this real quick for you. I'll whip this up. It just takes about ten minutes of prep time for it to cook time. This is a crispy southwest corn fritter with sweet potato wedges and a side salad with smoky ranch dressing. Take one bite of this.

He's crying from joy.

Oh yes. It's like that scene from that Pixar movie, Toy Story 3. Where my once cold heart was it has melted and now I want to write about food.

He could also be crying because of how committed Hello Fresh is to giving back. They donate to those in need. So far in 2020 they've donated 3.5 million meals.

Seriously guys, I love HelloFresh.

So let me put pen to pad and now that my heart has melted because of this delicious meal, I'm going to write my first food review. Go to hellofresh.com slash HeyRiddle90 and use code HeyRiddle90 to get $90 off. I'm just making up a number here. To get $90 off, including free shipping? Now that I wrote it, it must be true. That is hellofresh.com slash HeyRiddle90 and use code HeyRiddle90 to get $90 off, including free shipping. Unbelievable, Adal, you've done it.

You there, boy. Take this note, this missive, and run it in the local paper.

All right, it's Christmas Day.

I don't care what day it is.

I hate that boy. You there boy, what's your name?

I'm Orphan.

That's, oh, that's your full name?

I have parents.

You know what Orphan? This has legs, this has legs. We're going to promote you to main episode. You don't have to be in the ad, we're going to use you later. Oh, thank you. Hold on to that. Thank you so much.

Merry Christmas, Hello Fresh. Happy Hanukkah, Hello Fresh yields savings and what.

This is amazing. Hey Adal, JBC, how are you?

Good to see you. I'm good, yeah, I'm great. Outside of the episode, we're in my hand.

You guys, I just discovered the craziest, coolest new kind of media. They're called pod-cast.

What is this now? Are you making up words?

Podcasts? Podcasts. They're like audiobooks, but it's made up. Or you're talking about politics or murder.

Wait, is this kind of like that idea I had? Brain music? Is it like that? Did someone rip off brain music?

Yeah, I think they ripped off your idea of brain music.

I don't know.

It doesn't sound like this idea has much legs. Okay, Erin, I gotta be honest with you.

It does. And there's so many of them. And you can get them all in one place. I found a place to get all of them.

Where's that? Some magical Shangri-La?

No, it's an app. It's the Stitcher app, which has been rebuilt from the ground up and features settings that are as unique as you are. So you can listen with more control. You guys, all the podcasts I want are there.

Wait a second. Wait a second. Aaron, shut up for a second. I'm just hearing about this for the first time.

Adal, people love it when you tell Aaron to shut up. Aaron, are you talking about the all new Stitcher? Which is the easiest way to discover and listen to podcasts for free across iOS and Android?

Yes, that's what I'm talking about. Adal, shut up.

To be fair, I would tell anyone to shut up.

That's true, and I know that about you.

Yeah, and you tell me to shut up a lot of the show.

JPC shut up. Stitcher gives you access to the latest episodes, downloads, and favorite shows in all one convenient spot.

Okay, shut up for a second. Favorite shows like my favorite murder. How did this get made? And hello from the Magi Tavi. Which is a wonderful podcast.

I was just listening to you. Shut up, just shut up, shut up. You can also get Hey Riddle Riddle. With Stitcher, you can listen to your podcast anytime, anywhere. You can listen to your desk on the revamped web player or on your phone. And Adal, Erin, and JBC have never sounded better because we sound like this. Ready? One, two, three. Shut up.

I would dance with me.

Shut up and dance with me. Stitcher.

So download it at the App Store on Stitcher App. That's Stitcher. A-P-P dot com slash Riddle R-I-D-D-L-E.

Shut up! Shut up! Oh fuck. We both wanted to come up with a shut up tagline at the end.

Adal, you want one? Stitcher. Brain music you're gonna love. And we're back. Grandma, can we have some cookies?

Yes, you can have these Toll House Cookies I bought in 1993. Tell us about the 1920s, Grandma.

Okay, sure. She's not dancing.

She's just sitting there. Here we go. It's 1922. The 1920s. I was 45 years old.

Okay. What are you, Adal?

That's very funny. He's old as shit. And so in the 1920s, if you were having the best time you could have, and then came the 1930s, and it ruined the party.

Oh no, what about the 30s ruined the 20s?

Oh, all of our money was gone. Hitler started talking. Putting stuff.

Okay, okay. Grandma, can we just get the cookies? Yeah, we got a lot of stuff to do today.

No, do you see I'm invested now? I'm invested in this bullshit.

I don't want to be here anymore. This whole house smells like egg soup. Can we just get the cookies and maybe we can go?

All right, but I'm giving you some egg soup to go and a Tupperware dish.

Damn it. Damn it.

All right, and send me a video of you boys eating it later, okay?

How would we send you a video?

I don't know. Put it on a VCR, convert it to slideshow, the kind that you put the slides in.

Yeah, you drop the slides in.

Dude, is that too much to ask?

I guess not, Grandma. Well, I guess we can convert it to a slideshow the next time we're here.

Thank you. We love you, Grandma. I'll be dancing.

What? Grandma as... Oh, no you won't. Don't say that. Grandma, as we're leaving, I'm going to convert this goodbye into a wave. A fun little tech humor.

I don't understand those kinds of jokes.

Grandma, I'm the same age and I didn't get it either, so... High five. You said you're the same age.

Oh, man. Got it.

The character.

Got your ass. More riddles from Phil. We're still on warm up riddles so I have a feeling this will last a few episodes.

Okay.

My head is spinning constantly. I've made many people die. I possess an inner beauty if you look me in the eye.

Medusa. Beetlejuice.

Eye. I have a song stuck in my head. Sean watched the first 20 minutes of what is it called? Big Daddy?

Will that happen to Sandler?

Yeah, it's called Big Daddy.

I love Rupus Wainwright and one of his songs started playing and I was like, I forgot about this song. Remember the song that's like, I don't want somebody to love me. Just give me sex whenever I want it.

Do you remember the song? I love that song.

Everything about it is a little bit neater, a little bit better. Sorry guys.

The only song that I know on this episode is Uncle Cracker, so I can't relate to any of this.

All right, well you can just shop on your phone.

Oh yeah, I'll set up my phone. So a head spinning, you killed many people. Is this like the top from Inception?

How many people has the top killed? Do I not know about a sequel that happened?

Well, they're stuck in this other reality, so they die eventually.

Oh, Erin, did you never see, uh, in- Top-top-top-top-top-top-top-top-top-top-top-top-top-top-top-top-top-top-top-top-top-top-top-top-top-top-top-top-top-top-top-top-top-top-top-top-top-top-top-top-top-top-top-top- top-top-top- top-top- top-top- top-top- top-top- top- top-top- top- top- top- top- top- top- top- top- top- top- top- top- top- top- top- top- top- top- top- top- top- top- top- top- top- top- top- top- top- top- top- top- top- top- top- top- top- top- top- top- top- top- top- top- top- top- top- top If you died in real life, you died in real life.

Oh man, that really, it does look like Adal and JBC are being attacked when they're trying to figure out a joke.

Possess an inner beauty if you look me in the eye. So something that spins and kills many people. That could be like the sprinkler.

Would it be like the head of a bomb or something like that?

No.

Like that's like spinning in the air as it's coming down.

It's like I know so many people have died on like carnival rides. Is it like a teacup ride or something to the world? Is it a bullet?

Has someone ever died on a teacup ride? Jesus. Absolutely. It's not a bullet. I like these guesses.

I know when you shoot a bullet out of like the barrel of a gun the rifling like turns it and it makes it spin.

I would say the thing that you're closest to is bomb only because I feel like the destruction looks pretty similar.

Oh is it Adal in the bathroom after freaking Thanksgiving dinner my man?

Oh I love gross jokes. Do more!

Oh, I'm so sorry Adal, you should see a doctor about that.

What's something that spins that is destructive? It doesn't, I would say it moves in a circular fashion, it is destructive.

I'll actually accept two answers.

Is it a wheat thresher? What did you guys say?

Tasmanian wheat thresher? No. Spins in a circle and it's like a hurricane?

Yeah! Hurricane or tornado.

Or the scorpions. Oh!

Oh, I would like to see a scene. Yeah, okay. Um, JPC your tornado, Adal you're a hurricane and you're talking at a party.

And so what I did is I came off the coast, right? And I had been drinking and my friend Tom was like, oh, shouldn't you put down a coaster? And it was, I mean, you had to be there, but it was, it was so funny. It was just so, it was the timing was perfect. What about you? Where have you been? I'm mostly surrounded by the water. Oh really?

Yeah Kansas. Oh fun. Parts of Indiana, Missouri.

You know I was gonna say I was gonna say Kansas but I didn't know I didn't know if you think I was joking just because of the whole movie thing and like the trope you know. So how do you know Doug? You're not in Kansas anymore. I've been wanting to say that. Yeah I get that. I get that a lot. Doug. Doug is actually... Can I be honest with you? I don't know Doug. I'm crashing this party. I saw Vince Bond and Owen Wilson do it and you said, you know what? I can do it too.

Can I be honest with you? Yeah. I don't know Doug either. I'm crashing this party too. It's actually, I'm actually crashing with a friend. Oh! Who's your friend? It's Owen Wilson.

Oh! Wow!

Can I meet him? Absolutely. Owen, Owen, come here. This is, I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name.

Oh, my name is Hurricane. Hurricane. No, I'm sorry, my name is Herman Cain.

Nope. No, it's Hurricane. Owen, Owen, this is, this is, this is Hurricane. Hello, nice to meet you, Owen. I'm sorry. Owen, Owen's a little sheepish because Owen doesn't know if he could do his voice. Owen, come on. But Owen can. You got this. But Owen can. You got this. But Owen can.

Wow.

Hold on. No, it's nasally. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Wow. Oh wow. Oh, I'm just, it's midnight in Paris.

Can I just? No, no, no. That's Woody Allen. I don't know.

I'm such a big fan. Can I just say, and you mentioned, you mentioned him, so I want to introduce a friend I brought. Please meet Vince Vaughn.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

Wow, I don't know if that's the best idea. What if I fall off? Rachel McAdams.

I'm trying to tell you that... Rachel!

Rachel!

You're here at this party as well? Rachel is at this party. I'm Rachel McAdams.

You made this happen. This is by your design and you're mad at me that I can't do any of the impressions? Unbelievable.

I like how, as soon as Erin mentions Rachel McAdams, Adal's like, I know what we need, the carbon monoxide alert.

Well, once she was talking to herself, I'm like, clearly she's either sleeping or dead.

I don't arrive until the end of eternity, yet I've been at the start of your every yesterday.

Know it, I know it.

When is it then, smartass?

Well, I sometimes know it because I owe you money and I will pay you back the money, not just an I owe you form, but why?

James, you have so much time to get it right now.

Why?

Because I want to. But sometimes I... Can you read it one more time? It's like I'm at the start of tomorrow. Hold on.

You just said it.

Hold on dead stop. I said it's the letter Y. At the end of eternity, but at the start of your something. Yesterday?

Yeah.

At the start of every yesterday?

You got it. Hell yeah. I may come from water, from the water, sorry. I may come from the water or come from your hand.

A fish. This is young Erin in a jacuzzi. Wow.

You may come from the wild. Wow, you are. Or your hands. Or your hands.

Wow, you could have just said young Adal. Nothing more guilty than using someone else's name, bitch. Someone was too scared to say, I came from a jacuzzi when I was a kid. Let me deflect and say it was my friend.

I can come from a wet pile of sand. Adal!

Adal can do that.

You think I was alone in a jacuzzi ever as a kid? You wish. I never have once been alone with a jacuzzi. Okay. I may come from the water. That's hilarious. I am coming in jacuzzi. Or come from your hand, masturbation. Board, you may use me or see me from sand.

I may come from the water or come from your hand.

You may see, what was it?

It really is come from the water, come from the hand, right?

Board, you may use me or see me from sand.

I did it! I got my purple! Erin, that's great. And I would like to get this out. The answer, a wave.

Yeah, you got it. It's a wave. All right, next one.

These are... Wait a second. I said wave hours ago and you guys said it was a joke you didn't get.

That was for a different riddle though. Ready? If these are hominin hominim hominimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimim

I'm a Coan. Foolish, I'm a Coan. What do idiots put ice cream in? Quick, JPC rolled up magazine? What? Their hands. What would J.P. Riddles put ice cream in? Hold on, let's, hold on, let me dial J.P. Riddles.

I wanted to see a scene. While you're dialing, I want to see a scene. Adal, you are going into... Yes, I got it under the wire. You're going into an ice cream store. Erin, you are working at that ice cream store. Adal, you're ordering a scoop of ice cream, but the sign at the top of the store says, like, Cone Waffle Cone Bowl, but you don't want to pay any for that extra. You just want it in your hand. Pardon me, ma'am.

Do you work here? Yeah. Like 18. Can I get you something? Do you want to try a sample?

Sure, I'm 34 and I'd love to try a sample. Can you tell me about the Mackinac cherry chunk?

It's super overrated and weird and mostly only old people I'll get it when they're in here.

Hmm. I'll try it, please. Do I have to pay extra for a smile?

Oh boy, that sucks. Wow, you're not even that old that you should be saying that.

Hi, I'm sorry. I'm Doug. I'm the manager. I'm 36. Is there a problem over here, Nance?

No, this guy just told me I should smile, which sort of sucks. Also, dude, by the way, I'm sorry that that happened to your party this weekend.

No, it's okay. You know, it happens every year. The local teens say that they want me to buy a bunch of alcohol and throw a huge party and then I do it and then they burn my house down when I go to the store.

Excuse me. Oh, and Wilson, Vince Vaughn, a hurricane and a tornado were there. What?

Sorry, I'm still here. And of course we know the customer is always white and I am a Caucasian man asking for ice cream. What I want you to do is take all the samples, put them in an ice cream scoop, form a ball, then take that ball and place it in my hand so I can leave here with some ice cream.

Okay, so you want sort of the full ice cream experience. But we, if you can look up at the sign, it says, come off with a hot inside. So if it's none of those things, we can't put it in there.

Yeah, so we can't put it in there. And we're going to have to actually, we're going to have to ask you to leave the store.

I want to hear you read the sign, manager.

Read the sign that she just read. Nance was exactly right. It says,

And that's our policy because one time a customer made us put their scoop into a fish.

Ooh, can I have that?

Well, that's fish food and now it is an official flavor that we do sell here. And you can have it, but you have to have it. I guess I'll take a grouchy cup then. Okay, he'll let you go grab your cap.

Oh wait, is it? Sorry, I've been on... It's been ringing and ringing and ringing. Did we get through? Did we get through to GP Riddles? Hello?

Hello?

Hey J.P. Riddles, it's, uh, it's, uh, Erin Adal at J.P.C. J.P. Riddles, I'm sorry to bother you. I'm actually shocked you have a phone.

I thought I told you never to call here again.

You did J.P. Riddles, but we have a question that we know you know the answer to.

I'm not answering no questions from any of you.

Well, I have one real quick question, the question I want to ask. How did you get the number 119?

Fine. Ask the question.

Um, I guess I have two questions. What is your phone made out of?

Just kidding. Leave a message after the peep, but Jake B. Reynolds will get to your call as soon as possible.

That was like so perfect.

If you're a squirrel, don't expect a call back. Bye bye.

See.

God damn it.

God damn it.

God, I call for that every time.

You get this every time with that shit.

Um, uh, what the hell?

Well, to be fair, we didn't dial a phone. We put two quarters in a cat's butt hole and then choked it.

Whatever it works. We got through to his voicemail.

Maybe we ran out of quarters. Maybe we needed more quarters.

We didn't kill the cat.

No, when Adal says we choked it, of course, that's a euphemism for masturbating.

I'm not handling how much trouble we're going to be in for this episode. If I'm land, I'm super chill. A degree can leave me thrown. If I'm busted, I can kill. For the foolish, I'm a cone.

Okay, I think I know this. Pine cone, pine cone, pine cone. Is it a thermometer?

No. Because when it's busted it can... Something that has multiple meanings. A word that has multiple meanings.

Oh, it's a homonym. That's right. Because I thought something busted could kill like mercury is very dangerous. Even though my mom used to break thermometers and play with that. And it said something about a degree and thermometers measure temperatures. Degrees, yeah. But this is a homonym. So when I'm land, what was it? When I'm land I'm busted?

If I'm land, I'm super chill.

Super chill. If I'm land.

A degree can leave me thrown. If I'm busted, I can kill. For the foolish, I'm a cone.

Uh, flight. A dunce hat? Nope. Dunce cap?

It's cap.

Oh, it's just a dunce cap.

Oh, well it's, you said, I thought you said dunce hat.

Duns cap. What's a duns hat? A cap. Duns cap is what they put on. It's a cone. I don't know what a duns cap is. What's a duns hat? It's a duns cap. It's what Midwesterners call a duns cap.

From tanning to toasting, I'm sorry for boasting, but I'm found all over the place. Though to be realistic, I'm misogynistic when I'm applied to a face. I actually love this one.

And this is another homonym.

I'm misogynistic when applied to a face.

Oh, JPC, what was that? You went to some restaurant and you ordered misogynistic toast. What was that called?

No, I went to a restaurant and I heard a misogynistic toast.

Oh wait, can we hear that?

Clink, clink, clink, clink, clink, clink, clink, clink.

Oh, please. I'm an asshole. You don't want me to. Please, please, please, please. You're right.

Clink, clink, clink, clink. Aw, man, I was going to use that sound bite to destroy my friend.

Getting someone to give a speech and they're like, no, please, I'm an asshole. I'm such a bad person. Don't make me speak.

Bad people talk more than everyone else.

That's true. So this is misogynistic when you put it on a face, but it's also what you do to toast.

From tanning to toasting. I'm sorry for boasting, but I'm found all over the place. Though to be realistic, I'm misogynistic when I'm applied to the face.

Bed. A bed. You have tanning beds, you have toasting beds, and then when you lay your bed down, your face is misogynistic.

When you burn someone to their face, that's misogyny.

It's butter. A butter face.

What is, what is, um, tanning, is there tanning butter?

Tanning butter? Yeah, and then it's like what you put on before you go tanning.

Really?

Yeah, and then you put on toast. Not the same, that kind of butter, but real butter.

It's tanning oil. I didn't know tanning butter was- I've heard of body butter, but I thought that was like lotion. I feel like Shay Butter. Shay Butter or something?

Shay Butter? Okay, so here we go.

Erin, I want to know what mystical house you grew up in that had all these songs that nobody else in the world has ever heard?

I don't know what song I was just singing. I think that might be from Hairspray. All right, here we go. Okay. For signals, almost nothing. For lives, almost everything. If that seems vague, give it a beat.

Give it a beat. So that means we have to sing this one.

You're being awfully loud and I'm trying to do my 9am nap.

Grandma Riddle, we're sorry to wake you up. Hey, can we ask, what do you put an ice cream in? What do you put a scoop of ice cream in?

No, it's what you put in the ice cream. You use the ice cream as a bowl for your teeth at night. That way, when you put them in in the morning, it tastes delicious.

Oh, Grandma Riddles, Grandma Puzzles, we're so worried about you. Can we please move in with us? No, what the fuck? Move in with us. Let us take care of you full time.

I'm saying, can we please put you down for one room in our house?

Okay, well how many cats do you have for my bed there? My bed is cats.

Well, we had a couple, but the animal control took them away because we kept putting quarters in their butt.

Called J.P. Riddles, wait a second. Grandma puzzles. We should hook you up with someone. We have someone we should set you up with. It's been a long time since Grandpa puzzles divorced your ass. Why don't you get back out there? Why don't you get back out there and date again?

Oh, I don't know if I would fit into my first date dress anymore. And also, I forget how to dance.

When you said first date dress, you tugged on your skin.

Yay! We have the perfect person. You would hit it off so well, I think you're going to love him. Would you please, would you please, please, please for us as a favor go on a date with Puzzbot?

All right, but I'm only awake for 45 minutes every day.

Legit. Legit. I was gonna say Owen Wilson. I was gonna make a call to do it.

All right. Everybody shut up. Enough jokes.

Wow.

For signals almost nothing. For lives almost everything. Signals. Sorry. My pronunciation is bad. For signals almost nothing. For lives almost everything. If that seems vague, give it a beat.

Okay, this could not be more muddled in my brain. It's just kind of rolling around. Signals. I was like traffic signals. For signals, I'm nothing. So the type of signals I know are traffic signals. Dance beats. The movie signals with, no, that's signs with Joaquin Phoenix. Signals. For signals, I am nothing. Give it a beat. If this is too vague, give it a beat.

Oh, a pulse. How'd you get that, Adal?

Because Erin mimes taking her own pulse.

Good job, Erin. Thanks, Erin.

So wait, now that I know the answer, will you please reread it?

For signals, almost nothing. For lives, almost everything.

For signals, almost nothing. Pulse signals? A pulse is nothing for a signal? What does that first part mean? I'm not 100% sure. Yeah, what is the signal? For a single, I'm nothing. Hmm. Are these original, Philippoi? Wow.

For signals, well, for lives, it means almost everything for lives. A pulse. You need a pulse.

A pulse, sure.

It's supposed to be alive.

And then a pulse can be like a beat or a rhythm, right? Yeah. Quarry stuff on. Turn the pulse around. There's probably a very simple explanation to this one just now. Love to feel my own pulse.

Well, isn't like pulse signals?

What does that mean? Yeah, Erin, you can't just say what. What are pulse signals?

I'll Google it. I'll Google it.

I'll Google it. Let's hear another one.

Shape is formed by a rapid or sudden change from a baseline value. Oh, interesting.

Yes. Would you like to share with us?

Did you bring enough for the whole class, Erin?

Uh, I don't know how to explain this. So I'm not going to. I know who I am.

Good. Okay.

Um, so, alright. If you're here, you're bound to be dirty. Maybe it's muck, maybe it's flirty. If you're here, you're bound to be dirty.

Maybe it's muck, maybe it's dirty. Oh, La Brea Tar Pits. If you're here, you're bound to be dirty.

I'm going to say this in a much flirtier way.

Like a bath or a bubble bath or something?

If you're here, you're bound to be dirty. Maybe it's muck, but maybe it's flirty.

Is it in that ass?

No.

Well, I've got some bad news for you. It's muck ass. You've got muck ass and it's one of the worst cases we've ever seen.

But doctor, I was watching Shrek. Shouldn't it be swamp ass?

I don't know, man. I'm a doctor. You got muck ass. I don't know.

What do you want from me? If you're in me, you're bound to be dirty. If you're here, you're here. If you're here, you're bound to be dirty.

Maybe it's muck and maybe it's flirty. This is, I think, my favorite.

Maybe it's muck and this is still a homonym. Yeah.

Is it a- Your mind could be there? Or you could be there literally. Yeah.

In the gutter. My favorite Elvis Presley song.

I want to see you two. You are two rats in a gutter and you're flirting.

Ah, so thanks for meeting me here, Tutsa. I just got to say like, oh, the tale on you. Yowas. Yowas. I want to gnaw on that thing. Sorry, I should have asked. Oh, fuck. You did it again, Steve. Are you a talking rat? I always forget to ask this. 99 times out of 99, they are not a talking rat. I should say that I, I of course found one day I was walking through New York and found a little tube of ooze and I put it on my fur and all of a sudden I could talk and I was six feet tall and I knew martial arts. What was that? I think I heard the word sexy in there. No, I did not. Excuse me? Excuse me? Oh yes? Are you talking to my wife? Oh. Are you bothering my wife? Oh my god. Oh my god. I'm starstruck. Are you? Are you John Favreau? Swingers.

Yeah, I'm John Favreau. Are you talking to my rat wife? I should say, I should say that she's a rat. I'm not saying like my wife's a rat. This is a rat. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're a rat too. I'm kind of a ratty guy as well.

And I'm for turtles. I'm the first one. I'm the second. I'm the third. And I'm Michelangelo.

Oh shit, we got to get out of here. A bowling ball. Go ninja, go ninja, go. I'm John, I'm John Favreau. I'm making this movie. You're podcaster John Favreau.

You're John Favreau from Friends?

Pod save these turtles. Isn't it wild that there are two different John Favreau's? Wow. Isn't it, wow, that I know three women who have slept with Vince Vaughn? Do you really? I do.

That is amazing. Oh no! Wow, I should have told you that and told you to not tell anyone.

Honestly, I'm more surprised that Adal knows three women.

Yeah, me too.

I'm like, I know he has a sister and a mom and there's Erin, so like, what? Jimma, Jimma. Wait, people from the TV count, right? Would they slept with Jennifer Anderson? Jennifer Anderson slept with them in the movie The Breakup?

Yeah, I didn't sleep with Vince Vaughn. Nor would I. Not my cup of tea. No, thank you.

He's more like a mug of Joe.

In days past, I was made of wood. Though that's rarely true of late. Now, I more often question who would go out on a fictional date.

Of course, the most famous fictional date is from Indiana Jones where the guy who played Gimli grabs it as Harrison Ford tries to pop in his mouth and he squeezes it and he says, bad date. So the answer to this is either... Is the answer to this merry fuck kill?

No.

Is it John Rhys Davies?

In days past, I was made of wood, though that's rarely true of late. Now, I more often question who would go out on a fictional date? More like when you want two fictional people to date you.

Ship! Yeah! Ship date!

Alright guys, Rapidfire, what two fictional characters would you like to see on a date?

George and Fred Weasley. Ooh, and I'm going to say Gandalf and Dumbledore.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, and Remi the Rat from Ratatouille.

Ninja Flirtles. Dude on a Tittle-o.

Pillsbury Doughboy.

Michelangelo.

And the Toucan from... Toucan Sam.

Follow your nose. Hey Riddle Riddle.

I'm going to be a doctor. No, Erin, you're a doctor. I am Mrs. Kool-Aid Woman. And we are moments away from my Kool-Aid baby bursting through my uterine wall.

All right. You're coming along great.

Something feels wrong. Something feels wrong.

No, it's just that you're giving birth to something that will make the world a little worse.

There's so much tension. There's so much tension in my lower stomach. Does that make sense?

And this is going to be unpleasant. Um, there will be a hole in you. Um, because that's sort of like how he, I mean, by the, uh, what we're seeing, he likes to make an entrance and it's going to probably be a little painful, but also very hilarious. Okay.

Oh no. Doctor, you're not listening to my wife. I think something might be wrong. Oh no. Is there a chance that the baby is Hawaiian breech?

No, no. It's punching. I'm taking your wife's pain very seriously. I believe her that she's so uncomfortable. I think she is uncomfortable because in any moment he's about to burst through her stomach like it's a brick wall and say, Oh yeah. Or if he's from Entourage, he'll go, oh yeah. But we went over that about 10 episodes ago. Okay? So everyone just relax.

Okay. If he's from Entourage, I'm going to be pissed because that would be not my baby.

You have the epidural. Doctor, I slept with turtle. I should say I slept with turtle.

It's okay, we've already talked about this in therapy. Me and Turtle basically the same guy. She didn't know what she was doing.

Alright, so it's either going to be Turtle from Entourage or the Kool-Aid man. Either way, it's going to feel bad coming out.

He's going to come out a full grown man? Shouldn't he be the Kool-Aid boy?

And he's going to ask for money.

Doctor, Doctor, if it is my child, is there a chance, and I don't want to be crass here, is there a chance that my child could come out charco-berry-fin or invisible grape?

Oh no, please act a cooler, please act a cooler.

No, just the classic red. Can you give me a high C-section?

C and C and C. You're not going to get better than high C-sections.

Oh yeah! Fantastic. Turtle wears hats.

Oh, okay. So Phil, thank you so much for sending these in. I will finish these another time. I've marked where we left off. We only got, I'm gonna try to count how many we've done. We've done one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, ten-ish. We've done ten-ish out of the thirty. We will come back to that.

Finish anyone? So you can be recorded on a holiday weekend.

Everybody please let me know if you know anything. Even if it's not that specific song, do you ever remember getting a birthday cassette tape?

Do you remember this casket full of candy bones? Or these little packets that had gummy slimy monsters that were delicious?

Yeah, you will have had to have been born in 1905. With those creepy crawlers?

With those creepy crawlers? Because I don't think you're supposed to eat those, my man.

JPC, anything to plug?

Follow me on Twitch at twitch.tv slash sharkbarkman. Follow me on the old twitter.com at jpsofly. And those are two things that you can do with your fucking time. So do those things.

Adal? Yeah, I want to plug a new bop I have on my SoundCloud. It's called Cat Butt Quarters. It's a fun little, it's kind of a rap.

It's kind of a, it's got everything.

Well, don't sing it. Now it's okay. Sorry, I'm so sorry. It's just ABC saying that one line. I do unplug two podcasts I recently guessed on. One is called This Is Gonna Work. So please check out my episode on This Is Gonna Work. And the other one is called Another Episode in where I talk to two folks about the movie The Money Pit from the 80s by Tom Hanks.

Erin, anything to post? Just follow me, Erin Keif 10, on Instagram. I have some projects coming out soonish, and that's probably where I'll post about them. Phil sent in a sort of last riddle of the show that I'm going to read. If everyone, if that pleases everyone.

It pleases the court.

One last riddle before we depart. This one is broken into three parts. The first syllable is pretty simple. A religion with David Starr is the symbol. Cherry and peach, parts chucked in a bin. It's made bigger when you dig in. For most Harry Potter fans, this bit's assured, a noise sometimes used for a hard-to-find word. Now take a second to string them together. JPC?

Jumilterf. Jupiter.

Finally, Adal can say bye forever. Bye forever.

Right on top. Do I say Jupiter? We blew it.

Philip Hoyt.

That was a Headgum podcast.