Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Cool. Everybody ready? Yeah. I'm ready. Sweet. And again, thank you guys so much for doing this. Oh, you're welcome. We do this every week, so... Not you, Jake and Amir. Sorry, I was talking to Jake and Amir. Of course. My bad, my bad, my bad. Of course, not you. JPC, Erin. Hey, JPC, Erin. What? I'm up. Sorry, I just got my ballot. Who are you voting for? Riddies or pussies?

Adal, I feel like you're not supposed to crawl under ballot booths and check and see how your friends are doing.

You're not supposed to sleep in them either, but you just woke up, huh?

It's really warm in here.

It was a long ballot. We took a nap. There's a lot of like, you know, local propositions that we have to vote on.

So many judges. So many judges. How am I supposed to learn facts about all these judges?

I just, first of all, I just don't believe in the two-party system, so I don't think they should have to be Riddies or Puzzies. No! Why not lateral thinking problems? Why not, you know, the world is bigger than just Riddies and Puzzies, Erin.

Don't be that guy, GBC.

Isn't a vote for lateral thinking problems? Isn't that just throwing away your vote? Hey, I could have thrown away my vote at home. I'm here for the snacks.

Adal, are you using a crayon? I feel like your vote's not going to count.

And I'm writing in Jill Stein for every blank space.

Okay, cool.

I voted for Kanye, what? It's Kanye West, not Kanye what? They're not going to count that vote. Here, I'm going to write in a new vote. I'm going to write in Adal Rifai. I'm JPC.

And I'm Erin Keif.

And welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle, a divisive political podcast. About all things Riddies and Fuzzies and what each platform they're running on. We are, we're living in a post-election world, hopefully, and we're in Chicago. Chicago's having some unseasonably warm weather. What have you guys been up to? Anything fun? Any outdoor time? How are the animals doing?

We're also having an unseasonably large spike in COVID cases as well. We're the state with the most COVID cases right now.

Probably unrelated. Probably unrelated to the warm weather.

I have been inside my apartment.

Monday goes into effect the lockdown, right? We're going back to lockdown, Monday?

I think so, yes. This, interesting, in the last three days, every sink in my apartment has broken. Now, there are only two sinks in my apartment, but we were doing the dishes the other night and the pipe underneath the sink just fell off of the connected pipe and flooded everything underneath. And then today we were running the bathroom sink and a hole just appeared inside of it.

Aw, dude, those sinks.

Are you shaving at every sink? And that's why it's like filled with air and starting to break?

I think I might kick in my sleep. I feel like I'm maybe kicking the six in my sleep.

Well, we're not alone.

We have guests! We have guests. And not just any guests. We have very important guests. Guests where all of us are wearing suit and ties.

Because we... I think they are our dads.

Yes, we have on our network daddies, our network dad and dad. You might know them from College Humor with the Jake & Amir show. You might know them from If I Were You podcast. You might know them from the Vimeo series Lonely and Horny. Please welcome, and I'm going to switch things up, please welcome Amir and Jake. Yes.

Finally. Yeah. I am your dad and now you're in trouble. You crossed the line, kid. Amir and Jake sounds way better, does it not? No, it does not. Don't let that stick. Don't let that stick.

Who's the chill dad and who's the dad who's worried that we're not back from our party yet?

Ooh, great question. Jake is more of a party animal, but I don't know if that would make him a chill dad or a strict dad, because he knows what kind of nefarious shits going on out there. Yeah, that's true. I'm at home sort of just doing nothing, but I also don't believe in anything very staunchly, so do whatever the hell you want.

I feel like Amir's the dad that sits you down and is like, buddy, if you're going to masturbate, I prefer you do it in the house. You're going to masturbate. Do it in my room.

I prefer you do it in the penthouse. Dad!

And use my websites. And give me your logins. The founders of Headgum podcast, Network, Amir and Jake and Amir, thank you so much for doing this. We have to ask, since we are a podcast, somewhat about riddles and puzzles, what is your, the two of you, what is your relationship with riddles? What's your relationship with puzzles, lateral thinking problems? What do we got?

I have a history of like joke books buying like joke books as a kid and when you're like up until the age of 12 I would say every joke is just a riddle so I have that basis like there's no difference between a joke and a popsicle stick and a riddle it's just a silly question and that kind of informed my sense of humor for probably a third of my life, so I feel uniquely qualified to try to answer some of these riddies and or puzzies.

Perfect, perfect. I'm a bad mix of competitive and dumb, so I will... I'm gonna be very frustrated right away when I can't solve a riddle. Perfect, we call that dumb-petitive. Yes, that's me. Golden Retriever Syndrome. Yeah. My wife says that I am a dog. A Golden Retriever specifically.

When we get frustrated and angry around here, we call JPC names. So if you are looking for like sort of a punching bag or a place for your anger.

That sounds great. Yeah. And to me, it's an expression of sexual bliss. So I welcome it.

Oh, sexual bliss. The teacher from Saved by the Bell. Nice. Good morning, sexual bliss.

We're all 38, oh baby.

While we have you two here, we have to ask. We gotta get the inside scoop. When you found out that you had brought on board a podcast about riddles and puzzles, what were you guys thinking? What was your reaction? What has it been like being father to a riddle podcast?

I was kind of jealous that I didn't come up with it myself. It's a great idea. It's like, fuck, that could have been our podcast. It's like, we don't ever know what to talk about. Ours is sort of riddle adjacent. It's like advice. So people are asking us like what we should do. So it's kind of like an open-ended riddle, but it's like, ah, if only we just thought of the riddle podcast, then we wouldn't have to like rely on people's sexual trauma to figure out what kind of answers, questions we should answer. So yeah, probably filled with rage.

I vaguely remember talking about this show when it was like a pitch and we were talking through a riddle and it just like fully was dawning on us like, oh, this is such a good podcast. Look at us. Look at us discussing riddles. What's funny is, you know, we're like 120 episodes in right now. We're almost completely out of riddles. By the way, we have been saying that since like episode 15. So soon we will just be an advice podcast. Write up your sexual trauma. Send it over to our email address. We ran out of sex questions, I think, around episode 100 also. We're running on fumes now. We're almost like, we're at 400 or 500 episodes. We have nothing left. Nothing in the tank. Don't you guys worry. Don't let a little thing like run it out of riddles. Stop.

I would have respected it so much if you had said no to us and then started a riddle podcast that week. I'd have been like, you know what?

Power to. Awesome.

Game on.

They're way better equipped to do this than we are.

And I would listen to it.

I never realized, I never even thought about it, that advice is just like personal riddles. So every time you guys answer a question with your advice, you're solving riddles.

Yeah. And you guys have done the show before, so you guys are familiar. Absolutely. It's only a slight departure.

Well let's get into some warm up riddles. We'll see how you guys do, keeping in mind your relationship with riddles. So here's the first one. They can bring back the dead. They can make you cry or laugh. Or make you young again. They are born in an instant yet last a lifetime. What are they? Memories. Amir. Wishes. Fuck. Onions. Onions. Amir, when we had before the, and I should say to the audience, we had one stipulation before we had you two on as guests. At no point should you sing any Andrew Lloyd Webber songs. Now, one second into the first riddle, Amir busts into a cat song. This is absolute garbage. It is the right answer, but I'm still pissed off. Can you sing the whole song, Amir?

Memories all alone in the something I am answering are riddled. I am getting real hard. Unrelated. I'm still thinking about the penthouse joke from earlier.

Perfect. This is going to be a scene. Are you guys cool doing an improvised scene? Have you guys taken improv classes? We haven't, but we're naturals, so don't you worry about how hard it could be.

Like a 25 year old's breasts, you're naturals. Nice. They told me I was a natural as well, yet they still took my $375.

I just donated it to you CB. I didn't take any classes, but I gave them cash.

So we're going to see our first scene. I want to see a scene. Erin, Amir, and Jake, the three of you are coming up with the idea for the musical Cats or Something Close to It. And JPC, you are Andrew Lloyd Webber, who's overhearing this all with a glass to the wall, who's going to steal the idea. Got it.

Okay boys, here is the bag of drugs. Just sort of close your eyes, reach in, and then we'll get started.

Oh, ow. Picked myself. That's a serious one.

I guess you already did your drug. All right, I'm going to pop this pill. And are you ready? Let's talk musicals.

I am so high out of my gourd. I want to write a fucking musical about cats. I'm serious.

Hey Mike, normally when people are high, they don't really announce that they're high like that.

I took an edible four seconds ago and it hit me because I shoved it up my ass. And I think I have the song figured out too. It's like, memories, I am thinking about riddles, I am getting real hard.

I love it. I love it. And I'm going to write that down. We don't have context for it yet. We sort of just launched into a song. That's right. Who would be singing about their memories?

The Jolly Ranchers kind of sliding out of my ass. I don't even think it hit yet.

We'll take as long as you need. Kyle, what inspires you? We're talking about memories in a song, so like, what can we write a musical about?

Sorry, the Jolly Rancher that's from your ass, it's just on the couch. Can you do something with it? Can you throw that away?

Wait, wait, wait. That's perfect. Can you throw that away?

Can you actually throw it away?

You're holding your guitar. You're holding your guitar already. Jolly Rancher's in my ass. It is hanging on the couch. Every day I get real high and I want to eat your thighs.

Why did you need your guitar? You didn't even play it. You just wanted to hold it?

It's like an inspiration thing for me. It's kind of like... You're holding it so tight. I broke the neck. I have a capo actually. I think you're sitting on it.

I'm gonna grab this Jolly Rancher.

Okay, thank you.

In or out?

I think I want it in me.

Same.

Perfect.

That made as much sense as cats.

Andrew Lloyd Webber, by the way, on the other side of that door, listened for about 10 seconds and then boobed out.

You heard the melody from Memories.

Just walked away. Erin, in my head, I pictured you saying in or out and then saying, we aren't heating the whole goddamn neighborhood.

Did either of you see cats?

I never saw them. No.

You should.

I still have it. It's on Amazon Prime now, I think, and I still haven't seen it.

I saw it in theaters. I went with one of my friends and she walked around to everyone in the theater and she went, we're all here as a joke, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was the best time.

Was it entertaining?

It made no sense.

The three of us were all supposed to see it together but Erin went to see it and then a week later Adal and I were like let's go and see it and it had left the theaters. It was gone from everywhere they got it out so quickly. That was fast.

I have to ask Jake & Amir, are you okay if we make merch that just is a t-shirt that says, this Jolly Rancher is sliding out of my ass? Is that hot?

We cannot even like split those royalties. It was all blooming film. You guys want to do it, I won't partake. Don't give me any action on that.

Maybe we'll put it on the ass of sweatpants.

I'm not trying to get sued by big Jolly Rancher. I'm not trying to get sued by them.

Big Jolly. As a mask or something. Ask me about the Jolly Rancher sliding out of my ass. Let's do another... Here's another warm-up riddle. Amir absolutely destroyed that first one. Very good job. Very proud of you. Thank you. Thank you. Appreciate it. Jake, still not on the board.

You're trying to make me dumb-petitive and it's working. Wishes!

Wishes? By the way, can you read the thing again? I want to hear how many of those actual clues wishes works for.

They would have worked for all of them, but let's not. Let's not.

I think it was one about Baby People Alive Forever.

I'm so sorry. As soon as we solve a riddle, we burn it for good.

I would be dead without my wishes.

Fortunately, we're recording this, yeah. Here's the next one. I have only two backbones and thousands of ribs. I go around the world without moving. What am I? I have only two backbones and thousands of ribs. I go around the world without moving. What am I?

Barbecue food truck at Epcot.

Okay.

Two backbones.

Excuse me, are those backbones for sale? No, no, no, we're mostly ribs.

Well, the thousands.

The devil with two backbones, that's a way to describe making love, and Marilyn Manson famously took his rib cage out so he could better make love to himself. So I guess my answer would be a barbecue food truck at Epcot. Final answer. Locked it.

And it goes around the world without moving.

It says it goes around the world without moving. I do want to see a quick scene. JPC, you're going to be playing Goofy and you're in character and you want some ribs from Epcot and I'll be the barbecue truck salesperson owner.

Oh gosh, I sure am hungry.

Hey Southern Man, can you move out of the way? Goofy's behind you.

Pardon me, sir. Scene.

I never realized what a southern belle Goofy is. Yeah, Goofy's all southern. He's ha-ha. Gourche, I do declare.

Goofy is very sinister to me. I don't like Goofy. I don't like Goofy.

Is that why you called for a scene eight seconds into it?

Yeah. It's like, I'm done.

Honestly, after I got Gourche out, I was all downhill from there, so I'm glad that you did.

That's fair. I have only two backbones and thousands of ribs. I go around the world without moving. What am I? Wait, I have only two backbones? That's what it is. I have only two backbones.

I have an answer but it only works for I go around the world without moving.

I can't think of something that does any of it. The equator. The equator's a good guess. It is wrong in this instance, but it is the answer to something.

Yeah, right?

If it didn't like longitude, latitude, longitude.

Is it ever like, oh, that's a metaphor when it said two backbones. It's like, it represents the two poles or something like that. You guys never get rid of this like that.

What the hell has lots of ribs?

Yeah, thousands of ribs.

So disgusting.

You have to really think outside the box. Would it be like a globe? Like, cause a globe, all those lines on a globe for latitude and longitude could be like ribs, but what are the backbones?

Yeah, again, a great answer, but wrong in this instance.

Let's keep digging into it. I think it could be right. We could get there on this one.

I will say, around the world is a little bit misleading. I'm just reading the riddle verbatim, but around the world is misleading in terms of this does go around the world, but not completely. So for example, We are recording this right now with Jake in New York, me, JPC, and Erin in Chicago, and Amir in LA. So this would go from New York to Chicago to LA, but after LA, it can only go around the US and Canada. Maybe it's not going to go overseas. No, this podcast goes overseas. No, we have no listeners overseas.

Oh god, we're ruined!

Huh?

Roads?

Roads? Okay, cold. Cold. And you also should always say... What are train tracks? If not the roads of trains? I gotta give this to Jake.

He said trains first. No, I didn't get it. I didn't. I didn't. I'm not competitive enough to take it. He said trains. He said trains. I feel like you meant tracks. Jake, what the fuck? I'm trying to get this to you. What are you doing?

Wait, the answer is train tracks?

Yeah, you idiot! Of course it's train tracks!

Two backbones? The answer is a railroad or train track, so if you think of the two track, you know, the two rails themselves that the wheels go on, those are the backbone, and then all the interstitial connectivity boards are ribs.

I'd like to, I'd like to pitch a different answer. I would like to pitch the answer of a Daft Punk concert, okay? Because we've got the two people in Daft Punk. They both apparently, they have, you know, spines, and then they're playing the song around the world to an audience of thousands of rips. Whoa. That's good. See? Okay. Thank you. No, thank you. And I'd also like to change my answer one more time to a barbecue truck outside of Epcot.

Outside of Epcot?

Yeah, you can't, it's like you can't die at Disneyland. You also can't get rips. It has to be like 1,500 feet from... You can die at Disneyland.

They won't tell you about it.

They pronounce you dead on the street outside. No one's ever died at Disney.

That's not real.

No, that's real. They don't pronounce them dead until off the site.

What if you get decapitated on a ride?

How is it possible? So there's an old ride in the 70s or 80s where a wall turned, where it's like an actor standing behind a wall and the wall turns and rotates to show a bookcase or something. And the woman got caught and literally got decapitated and they flew her, they choppered her head and body off-site, outside of celebration, and then pronounced her dead. This is a true story.

That's not real. That's true. It was an actress who worked there?

There's PR for them than just allowing people to die there, I think. Do you know how many prostitutes Chip and or Dale have murdered? And there's no consequences? The rescue rangers? Yes.

Oh! My childhood! More riddles please.

I do want to see a scene. JPC, you are Chip, Jake, you are Dale, and the two of you are getting your story straight before your court case.

What the hell did you do?

Which way? Which one am I?

Jesus Christ.

Oh my God. Oh my God. This is a disaster. I'm Chip Yorkdale. Okay. That's not even the worst part. We got to get our story straight. Oh my God. There's a dead ochre in here. Okay. Okay. Wait, that could have been, that could have been here. That could have been here before we got in here because we are in a, we're in a courtroom. So they, excuse me, ma'am. Okay. No, she's just sleeping. Okay. Well, okay. It's really hot in here. I know it's so hot in here. We'll lower off all of you. This is how we talk. Okay, okay. We got to get our story straight, okay? Sure. I pulled up to park. I said, it's just going to be 15 minutes. Why would I pay for that? It's just going to be 15 minutes. That's right. Then I walked away. The guy's putting a fucking ticket on my car. And then you killed him? I stabbed him in the neck. I stabbed him in the neck. I said, fuck you, pig. I'm not going out like this. Okay, so that's what happened. Right. So, so we have to get the lies straight. Yes, now we add the layer of lies onto it. Okay. And just real quick, ma'am, you're cool, right? Me? Yeah, you're cool.

Oh, no, I'm just a judge. You can chill.

Oh man, I'm so sorry that we mislabeled you as a prostitute. By the way, that outfit is absolutely working for you. You look smoking hot ten out of ten. My robe? Thank you. Is that what that is?

Same. Beautiful under honor. Anybody ever play the Rescue Rangers Nintendo game?

Yes.

Fucking awesome. That game ruled. It was mostly, was it Launchpad? Not Launchpad. Who's the big guy? Who's a big bruiser? Oh, in Chippendale? Monster? Isn't it Monster? Monterey?

Monterey Jack.

Monterey Jack. Monterey Jack. You're thinking of Frankenstein's Monster. His favorite cheese. I knew it was cheese.

I knew it was cheese related.

He was like this big slab of a mouse who helped them out. With a mustache. With a mustache. And maybe he had a sidekick that was a fly, like a blue fly maybe. I don't know. Regardless, that game fucking slaps. What is this? Is this a side character with a sidekick? I think so.

That's a hat on a hat.

Yeah, exactly. That's too much. And also, I think you're playing Mickey Mouse in that scene, JPC. I was definitely playing Donald Duck. OK, here's another riddle. And so we're past the warm-up riddles. We're into our main course, our main entree riddles. Oh, yeah. And Jake and Amir, just to prepare you, these are bad. There's three good riddles in the world. We've done them all. And so these are going to be absolutely maddening. These are going to be frustrating. Amir, you said no to the answer to the last one. I can't wait to hear what you say to the answer to this one.

Like even after we get the answer, we'll be disappointed.

Here's the entire riddle. You're going to think that I took a pause to swallow or something, but I did not. This is the full riddle. Why did a woman send out a thousand anonymous Valentines to different men?

I don't know Adal, why did I do that?

Because it's Erin and she's fucking desperate. Sorry I had to get that slam in. Now let's read the real riddle. This is for Riddle. Why did a woman send out a thousand anonymous Valentine's or Valentine's cards to different men?

She was a dentist and she was reminding them to get a Valentine's Day cleaning.

Women can be a dentist. Erin, you're not far off. That's a wonderful answer. You're not far off.

Was she a dental hygienist?

That is correct. Thank you. Yes.

Oh my god.

Epic. They're the ones that do the cleanings. That is incorrect.

Hey, can I ask you another question? Have you ever had a cleaning done by a dentist before, or is it always a dental hygienist that does the cleaning?

I think it's the hygienist, and then the dentist comes in at the end and is like, all right, now I'll do the real hard stuff. Yeah, it looks good to me. Bye.

It's always been my experience. I went to the dentist at a place I've never been to two days ago, and the dentist came in, gave me an exam, and I was like, am I going to get a cleaning? And he was like, yeah, I'm about to do it. And then the dentist did the cleaning. I was like, guy, what are you doing?

That guy's a dental hygienist. Yeah, that guy was a plumber. Dude.

I don't know. I don't know where. I don't know if he was a plumber, a dental hygienist. I've never had a cleaning done at a Subway restaurant before, but it was amazing.

I was going to say, when you clogged up your sinks and you called the guy over, did you suddenly get dental surgery?

The guy said, mask off, open up. And I was like, cool. I haven't been to one of these in a while. So I was in there.

Do you know what they say? A mechanic doesn't clean your car. Amir, name one person that says that. James Dean.

What? James Dean Jr. You mean Jimmy Dean?

Ugliest high schooler in the world.

We have to find out. Why did a woman send a thousand anonymous Valentine's cards to different men? Erin, you were on the right train of thought.

She had a job that required her to communicate with a thousand people. What other jobs besides being a dentist allow you to do that? She works in marketing for AshleyMadison.com, which is a website for, by, And four cheaters.

The cowards. Oh, the people. People who deserve it. I will say Jake and JPC, you are exactly on the right track in terms of this person is doing it to do what you kind of along the lines of what you guys said. And also, they're being mischievous. They're being a little mischievous scamp by doing this. Well, that's half the fun of AshleyMadison.com.

Um, JBC, you would tell us if you were being paid by them, right?

Cause it seems like you mentioned... First of all, I love the service that AshleyMedicine.com provides so much that I would hardly think to accept money from them. But if I had to accept money from them, my bank account number is...

And while you guys think on this, I do want to see a quick scene. Erin, you're going to be the director of the 1980s classic sequel, Rebel With A Cause, starring Amir as James Dean Jr., who doesn't quite have the charisma or acting chops of his dad, but still makes a go out of it. So let's see this scene on set from Rebel With A Cause.

All right, James Dean Jr. I just need you to lean against this car.

Call me James Dean Jr. When you say James Dean like that with a pause, it makes me think of my dad who actually died in a car crash on this day 58 years ago. Carry on.

I can call you a nickname if you want. I can call you just Jr. if that makes you feel more comfortable.

Call me James.

Okay, great. I just need you to lean against this car, take a smoke at the cigarette, just look really handsome and swab, and then deliver the line. All right?

I have asthma.

What? I have asthma. I went back behind the camera. Okay, excellent.

I can't do the cigarette thing.

You know what? Just pretend and we'll add it in post.

Sorry, Carol. Sorry, Carol. Before we start, for some reason, there's a Jolly Rancher on the seat of the car. Can we get that out of screen? Out of shot?

Yeah, that keeps showing up. Every time he sits down, that keeps showing up.

I don't know if that came out of who's ass or what happened there.

We didn't imply that came out of anyone's ass, James Dean Jr. All right, here we go.

Sorry, sorry, Carol. Sorry, Carol. It's just, it's Jeff from costuming. Do you want him to be wearing the costume that we agreed on or should he continue to be naked? Because I kept trying to get him into the costume, but... I told him we'll add it in post. We'll add the costume in post. Okay, great. Thank you. So what do you need me to do?

Just lean against the car, look real cool, smoke the cigarette, and then deliver the line, all right? And action!

Hi, I'm Jake. My dad's a fucking dead actor. And we got it, that's all right.

We got it, thanks. What is this for again? Oh man, perfect.

Does anybody else want to- I'm a dumbass. You guys are circling it. You're almost there.

I like her style. Send out a thousand Valentine's.

I know it. So she is a divorce attorney. And she is drumming up business by sending these cards out.

That's very clever.

You hit the railroad spike on the rib. It is, the answer is she is a divorce lawyer drumming up the... Devoice lawyer! I'm a divorce lawyer! So that's so shitty to make all these wives think that their husband is cheating on them.

Pretty smart though.

When they could instead just go to AshleyMadison.com and get all of the fun and excitement for half the price.

Does Headgum have actually Madison as a sponsor yet, Jake & Amir? Because we can really push for this.

It doesn't. Yeah, we have, we only have, right now we have OnlyFans, Bank Bank, and Pornhub. Perfect. Tinder Bumble, of course. Hinge.

Minge.

We should say Tinder Bumble has sort of a KFC Pizza Hut situation going on or Taco Bell.

Yeah, they put the same humans on this in different back ends and just call it two different apps, but it's the same thing.

Well, we're going to take a quick break and hear from one of those amazing sponsors and we'll be right back with more Riddies and Buzzies. And we are back on set with Rebel For A Cause. Rebel With A Cause.

For A Cause. That's the 2020 version.

Getting into fundraising. Let's get into another full course riddle. Here we go. A kidnapper sent a ransom note. He prepared it carefully and ensured that it contained no fingerprints. Yet, it was used to prove his guilt. How?

I think I know the answer. Oh, please.

Whoa.

Go ahead, please. He was cutting up a magazine and it was addressed to the killer.

I want to say you had it and lost it, but you never even had it. What? I was worried that I ruined this at the next half of the podcast.

I solved it so fast.

Yeah. I love the idea of somebody cutting out letters from a magazine to make that stereotypical weird ransom note from like bodyguard or whatever, but they actually cut out their own address on the front desk. That is 100% what I thought happened. That's fucking brilliant. That should be, that should be in like, if they have a remake like airplane or something, the Zucker brothers need to use that bit. That's, that's phenomenal. Phenomenal bit, but wrong answer.

That is really funny.

Um, anybody else have a guess or a gander? It was his handwriting. It's also a very good guess, but not correct. Could you guys write a ransom note with your offhand? Oh, that's good.

Yeah. Uh, no. They would be like, they, someone would read it and be like, okay, so he was kidnapped by a nine year old. Uh, scrolling.

Uh, I believe Jake is trying it. Jake, can you tell us what you're writing for your ransom note? Like what, what your demands are or what, uh, what you've actually done?

Um, so I'm writing, well, actually, you know what, I'm almost done and I'll show it to you guys. And then you could tell me if you know what it says. Okay. Give me the moon. Give me the mommy. The money. Give me the mommy.

Give me the mommy.

Give me the mommy. Show me the mommy. The kidnapper has Sarah and it also has her mommy.

It's not the address from the magazine. It's not the handwriting.

Okay, so the kidnapper wrote the ransom note. They used whatever. They hit it, they didn't put their fingerprints on it, but then they hand-delivered it. And they caught him because they were like, hey buddy, hey asshole, you've given me the ransom note? You took him. Oh, nerds.

He spelled something wrong, and then they could tell by the bad spelling.

Yeah, he put, you better give me the wicked fucking money and they knew he's from Boston. Boston, yeah. Uh-huh. Who do we feel like is the most, if you had to kidnap someone? So I feel like ransom notes, ransom implies that you've taken a person, right? That's the definition of ransom. So I feel like we need to ask, we need to answer the question, who would be the most valuable person to kidnap in 2020? Donald Trump Jr. Barron.

Eric. Eric Trump. I would take it Eric. Fred Trump. You get the fucking bones. You get the dead dad Trump. That's what you need. I'll take the niece that doesn't like him. I can't remember what her name is, but we'll take her Trump. Mary Trump. Mary Trump. That's right. Uh, no, he's famously broke, so I don't think that... And also famously does not care about his children, so... Definitely, he does not pay debts. You owe others $400 million and me $100, and I'll give you back Mary.

I think that the Queen of England has a lot of money, so I'm kidnapping someone in that line that she cares about.

I would say, well that's, there's your trouble. There's the rub, Erin. She doesn't care about fucking shit or anything.

She does care.

She cares about them dogs, so kidnap a Corgi.

Oh, I kidnap all of her Corgis, but she doesn't like her son.

That's fair. Corgi reminds me of what I think the actual answer is. You have to think of someone who's worth money themselves and who comes from money, and to me, the only person that fits that bill, a little bow wow.

That's true. His uncle.

Dad Master P, Dad Master P, no limit soldiers. His uncle serves the shaka. He's got all that Mike money. It's got to be Lil' Bow. But he's Bow Wow now.

He's regular size. He's no longer Lil' Bow Wow. That's a big mistake. You go to kidnap him as Lil Bow Wow, you bring a tiny little net, and it's like a full grown man who's beating the shit out of you just wailing on you.

Who's this grown man who looks like Lil Bow Wow?

Are you bringing a cartoonish dog catching net to kidnap people, JPC? What are you doing?

What? Were you able to leave it at home? I have it. I bought it. Okay. I can't get the money back for it. I bought it two years ago. Then I could have returned it. Today you bring a tiny net.

You bring a big net. That's the little bow-wow way. Tell you what's it all. Yep, exactly. Do we have any other guesses for what happened with this kidnapper?

We really have to try to find out who they're kidnapping to get this answer right, or is that all an insane detour?

That was just an insane detour. Shame on you. So let me read it one more time. A kidnapper sent a ransom note. He prepared it carefully and ensured that it contained no fingerprints, yet it was used to prove his guilt. How? Dude, I got it. I freaking nailed it again. Okay. Mr. JPC CSI. What do we got?

Hold on. I don't have any glasses except I have, oh wait, hold on.

Okay. And we'll have to scream when you take them off.

These are Mariah's sunglasses that are on this desk. Oh, because they look bad on you. Alright, fuck you man.

I think they look nice.

I was joking. I didn't have the heart to tell you that they are my sunglasses. Ryan doesn't have sunglasses. Okay, here we go, Rifamov. Hold on, I've got, also I've got her blue blocking work glasses. I'll try these instead. These look better, Adal? Yeah, you look bookish. Thank you. So, the kidnapper. Wow!

Licked the envelope.

Either way, you're getting DNA. So we did mail-in voting this year when I voted for fucking Jill Stein, just throw my photo away. Jesus. I was about to lick the thing, like lick the envelope to mail it in, and then Mariah, my girlfriend, wetted a paper towel and ran the wet paper towel across the thing and then sealed it, and I was like, holy shit, you can do that? Yeah, but then you don't get to taste glue.

Yeah!

That's the best part of life. That's the best part!

You don't get to taste democracy.

Yeah, and then the paper towel gets charged for the murder.

Don't throw me away.

You're going away for a long time, paper. Bronnyman, you're under arrest. So, JPZ, you thought there was some secret ingredient in saliva that caused stuff to be...

I guess in my defense, I had never really thought about it before, but yes, in that moment, I did realize that the thing that I had never thought about before was that I thought that there was a secret adhesive ingredient in your saliva that made the envelope stick.

I have a similar thing that I learned as a kid, or I had as a kid, and I just never unlearned, which was, remember the straws at 7-11? Or no, the ICES. Was that an international thing? I-S-E? We had ICES, yeah. All right. The straws were like little red spoons at the end of them. You know what I mean? This opened up and then you can use it as a spoon. So I used to think that as you use the regular straw, it would open up like that. And then every time I took it out, I'm like, I nailed it. I got it in the perfect amount of time. Cause I used it as a straw and it slowly opened into a spoon. And then like one day when I was like nine, I was like, wait a minute, that straw came opened to like a friend of mine. He's like, yeah, that's how it works. I'm like, Oh yeah, that's how it works. Obviously. It doesn't open over time with use.

You thought you were a genius.

I thought it was always nailing the exact amount. Every time I looked, I'm like, got it. I used it just the right amount of time. That's kind of like thinking the adhesive is from your saliva.

Yeah, that's true. Except in your story, you were a young boy and I am a full grown man who is and can vote.

I will say I was like, when I was 16 or 17, the first like five times I ordered McFlurries, when I was like 16 or 17, I would try and suck up the McFlurry through the spoon because I was like, oh, it's like a strewn. It's like a spoon and a straw because there's a big square opening at the end of the spoon. I was like, this is brilliant. I can suck it through a straw, and then when it gets to be too much, I can just eat it. Come to find out that it's not a straw at all. It's like what they use to put the mixer in. It holds the metal mixer component that then mixes the whole mixer. Stirrer, McFlore, yeah.

Okay, I didn't know that. And I sometimes try to use it as a straw.

And I was also like 34 when I realized what those little mustard cups are actually supposed to do. You're supposed to like pull them open to where they hold like 10 times as much ketchup.

Same with the Chinese like food boxes. Those containers open up as plates. Yeah. Excuse me, wait, slow down.

What's the mustard thing and then what are you talking about? You're going too fast! Chinese to-go boxes open up and become paper plates?

Yeah. I misspoke and said mustard. It's like the little ketchup thing, so if you go to like... Like a little ramekin. If you go to like the little fast food, there's like the little paper cups you put ketchup or mustard in. If you grab the rim of those and pull them open, it stretches out and that's what you're supposed to do so that it holds a ton of sauce and then it is easier for you to dip or like lathe your fries in.

I didn't realize that. Thanks for watching! Now you can't, they're usually like stapled so you can't put them back together but if you want to just like have access to everything at the very bottom of your dish you just snap open the sides and open it up and it's a little plate.

Is it a plate like a circle or is it a plate like you just deconstructed a box and you're using it as a plate? Like, was it designed?

Was that its intention? Or did you hack this? If I opened up a cardboard box, I couldn't like turn... I'd be like, yeah, it's a plate. Like, no, he just laid a cardboard box on his side.

Yeah, is it like saying, a basketball, if you explode it, you can use it as a toilet seat cover. It's like, yeah, you can, I guess.

Wow, look at that. So, are they designed like that? I think that they are designed like that. I believe so. Well, look good on them. Whose dog is that?

Is that spaghetti?

That's my dog. Male person's here.

What's your dog's name?

Luke. Named after Luke Canard, I assume. Named after my girlfriend's favorite movie character, Cool Hand Luke.

There you go. I thought it was after her other ex, that guy that she was... Oh no, that guy... That's what he said.

Yeah, Cool Hand Luke.

That guy was jacked. That was Lucas. Oh, that's who's here.

Yeah, she's here.

She's here. He's already fucking her.

Oh wow. Luke loves them.

That's so weird.

They're just supposed to be playing tennis. That's so wild. He's such a humor on that one. Fantastic. Oh wow, he's spreading his dick open. This is such an awesome life hack. Life hack.

He's a jolly rat showing his ass.

Sad about that. This actually works out, this is very apropos. So here's another quote on quote riddle, but what it actually is is medical life hack, like we were just talking about. So I don't know where I sourced these riddles from for today, but this absolutely blows. But here it is. This is a bit of a medical life hack. Okay. How were insects once used in the diagnosis of a serious disease?

I know.

Oh, they, yeah, I think they do too.

I think they know too.

We all know if we don't even have to talk about it. I think we all know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't just say it.

I'm talking about something else. Let's say it at the count of three. One, two, three. Mosquito.

Mosquito.

Mosquito.

Mosquito. Mosquito. Mosquito. Mosquito. Mosquito.

Mosquito.

Mosquito. Mosquito. Mosquito. Mosquito. Mosquito.

Mosquito. Mosquito. Mosquito. Mosquito. Mosquito.

I didn't say anything about putting a Jolly Rancher up your ass. That's what I didn't say.

I will say I heard 7 different answers. I don't know if I heard the right one. Do you really know what this is? No, no.

I was going to say something about leeches.

I like using leeches to bloodlet or something like that. It's a great guess.

This is Erin and I's wheelhouse too because Erin has had most of the diseases and I have eaten most of the bugs. So between the two of us, we should know how to do this.

I'm going to say that Jake needs a win, because Jake, have you solved one yet? I think I solved the first two in a row.

Yeah, I think I did.

After I gave you the answer, you said wishes.

Yeah, because it was wishes, railroads. You didn't even cheat correctly.

I said memories and you could have just repeated it and said I said at the same time.

I've got a new word for how I've been behaving, which is confident. As my confidant. I'm always so sure. I have not, I don't think I've said a guess yet and like been half and been unsure. I'm always pretty positive that I'm right.

Well, let's, let's hear what your answer is for this one. Do you have an inkling? Do you have, I didn't hear what you said.

I think it's, I think it's the mosquitoes. I think the mosquitoes are eating blood. Dr. Swatnam putting them on a little Petri dish thing, uh, under a microscope. That's what I think.

You're very close. So what doctors used to do is take mosquitoes and then they would take out the blood and clone dinosaurs. And that would help them tell if someone was a dinosaur. You're making a game of this. You've made a fool of me. I'm making the most dangerous game of you.

Does that just mean that, like, they thought everyone had malaria? Because it's like a mosquito-borne illness. It's like, yeah, this guy had it too, because it's mosquito acid. See, this is what I'm talking about with coronavirus. They're only finding it because they're testing more. And it's like, I know it's a punchline or whatever, but... The numbers, the disease is a hoax, for one. And secondly, the only reason the numbers are going up is because more people have it. Why are more people being dead then? Because they all have this nasty China flu.

I'll be honest, when it didn't kill Trump, I thought, maybe this is a hoax.

Well, JPC, you're going to get a chance to play a doctor right now. Oh, good. You're an esteemed doctor, top of your field.

Hell yeah, I'll tell my mom to listen to this one.

So you're Dr. JPC. Jake, you are a patient who is awaiting results. And JPC, you have the unenviable task of letting him know he is in fact a dinosaur.

You look well. You look well. Yeah, if you need a water, the water that's out, it's right there for you. You can take this. Oh, okay. Yeah, God. I caught that on the back of the clipboard. That's a big one. That's a big sneeze. Look, I'm his son.

If you have anything to tell him, you can just say it to me.

God damn it. You can be in the room. You can be in the room, son. Look, there's no easy way. I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. I am. Tan? Tad. Tad. Tad, your father... Tad. Oh, yeah. He's a T-Rex, but continue. Okay, so you know that your father is a dinosaur, which is great.

Yes, I know, but he doesn't get it because he has a reptile brain.

Well, we're past that because that's great. That's a great first step. Now your father, I know he's told you that he is a T-Rex. Yes. Your father is, unfortunately we got the results back, he is not a T-Rex. What are you talking about? He's a Brachiosaurus. Do you need a plumber? Is there pipes that need fixing?

Yeah, cause some guy's kicking our sinks and the salt is his sleep. So yeah, we'll give you a call. Get the hell out of here.

Okay, okay. I can take one of these waters. Are these waters for everybody?

No.

And I'm so sorry, I've been here the whole time. I'm famed movie actor Christopher Plummer. Can I be of any assistance?

Get the hell out of here, Christopher Plummer. You were... Oh wait, which one's Christopher Plummer? No, yeah, you can stay. You can stay. You are great. I was thinking Christopher Walken and he was there when that lady died on that boat.

I'm the rich man's Kevin Spacey.

You really are.

Oh, distance, distance, distance.

You're great in sound of music. Get the hell out of here, Christopher Plummer. I love you. I had a crush on you when I was a kid.

Sane. Get the hell out of here. Wasn't that Christopher Plummer? They totally re-shot a movie with him?

Yeah, okay. Yeah, it was about ransom too, I think, right?

Yeah, it was like a true story about one of the world's wealthiest families and the kidnapping. I think I saw that one a couple years ago.

Christopher Plummer was great and knives out, I thought.

Oh yes.

Christian Plummer? That's his name? Christopher Plummer. Wow, this guy's so old. He's so old that he has a name like that. How old is he? He's a true dinosaur.

9-0. And he's still acting? Goddamn.

He was Captain Von Trapp in The Sound of Music.

I think he just won an Oscar a few years ago, so he's still got it.

And a lot of the kids in Sound of Music are dead, and he's still acting.

Goodbye, farewell. And almost every dog in Sound of Music is dead.

You don't know that. You don't know that.

Did I tell you guys about when I went to Austria and did this on the music tour?

Yeah. No, but yeah. That's fine. I don't need to know.

The main takeaway was basically that everyone on the tour learned my name was Adal, but they thought it was Adal. So the entire bus, which was singing Adal vice to me and thought it was like super funny and like nailed it. And I was like, I hated them all. Uh, very bad, very bad time in my life. Um, so back to the topic at hand. Riddles, how were insects once used in the diagnosis of a serious disease? I'm going to give you one final stab at it and then I'm going to reveal the answer. And again, it's a bit of a life hack. How is it possible we didn't solve this? We dicked around for hours on this one. JPC, I will say even the phrase dicked around is circling the target. Pretty, pretty, pretty close to say dicked around. Whoa.

So animals or insects were used as a diagnosis for a disease? For a serious disease?

A penis disease?

Oh, micro-penis. They would put an animal's penis into a human penis. And they would be like, wow, your penis is the same size as this tiny little animal. You have a tiny dick.

People don't know this, but if you show ants a tiny penis, they will laugh. They're the only animals that are honest, so they'll laugh at a tiny penis.

I know my aunt does. Isn't that right?

Curtis, no! Oh no, Lucas is fucking your aunt. I'll go ahead and say the answer. Again, this is a bit of a medical life hack. So what happened was if ants, doctors used to bring ants for this exact scenario. If ants gathered around a place where a person had urinated, it was a very strong indication that the person had diabetes. The ants were attracted by the sugar in the urine. And sugar in the urine I believe is a Limp Biscuit song?

Okay, I would like to see a scene. The four of you are ants, and you're drinking pee, and maybe you're wondering if this is the kind of life you want to be leading.

Oh, this is so fucking good. Right? Right? Clinkies!

Clinkies!

Thank you! Bottoms up, boys! I was drunk from this diabetics fucking urine. I loved it! Call me a piss ant because I'm a fucking piss ant. We've been drinking piss forever and that's the first time I fucking heard that. That rules. Doug, Doug, did you just come up with that? Be honest. Did you just come up with that? No, I thought of it on the drive over and I was waiting for the right time. And you nailed it.

Dude, I didn't care. Alright gentlemen, last call. Noooooo! One more piss! One more piss! One more piss! One more piss! One more piss! One more piss! One more piss! One more piss! One more piss! One more piss! One more piss!

One more piss! One more piss!

One more piss! One more piss! One more piss! One more piss! One more piss! One more piss! One more piss! One more piss! One more piss! One more piss! One more piss! One more piss! One more piss! One more piss! One more piss! One more piss! One more piss! Yeah, I mean, we love it here. You know, can we just, can we just call, you know, call this what it is and make this thing official? Maybe we just live in your toilet.

Don't you have a queen?

Oh shit. Hey, I'm ready to announce her. Fuck her. You can be our new queen. Yeah, we should say this like this. Who needs enemies? Fuck the queen, huh? The queen is mostly a figurehead nowadays. She's mostly for like the tabloids. We have our own government that really runs things. Yeah, I saw she has corgis.

Those are gigantic dogs. They're terrifying. And their piss tastes like shit. Alright guys, you're at the point where you're drinking each other's piss, so I'd say it's time to call it a night. Give me your keys. Oh, but wait, I can lift up my car. Look, look how strong I am. Alright, now you're just telling me all the things you know about ants. Go home. Yeah, my thorax will go home.

Give us more piss. Give us more piss, you bitch. Same.

I have a little gun.

We had to stop.

You called the scene way too early. We had to stop to celebrate. The only reason we stopped is to celebrate an anniversary. That's the 50th time that exact phrase has been spoken on this podcast.

Streamers come down to my house. Oh my god. Give us the piss you built.

Give us the piss.

It's an anniversary.

I got mugged today. Oh my god. Did they get your phone? Your wallet? No, I don't want to talk about it. Forget it! Forget it!

They got your piss. Well, we came up with two awesome t-shirts on this episode.

Let's do, we're gonna do one more, one more riddle, and this is one... One more, Riddle. And Erin, this is one, I forget the name of the show. This is, a la, what's a British game show you like?

Oh, Only Connect.

Okay, I wanted to say Connect 4, but you're correct. So this is in the vein of Only Connect. So Jake and Amir, what's going to happen is we have four little kind of trivia questions or little puzzles to solve. And then the answer for all four of those collectively are sort of a greater answer. So you're trying to get the answer for all the four questions and then try and macro view the four answers to see what they all have in common. The four answers will have something in common. Cool? Okay. Cool. Got it. So question number one. Which UK comedian gained fame guest hosting The Daily Show before getting his own HBO show, John Blank?

Oliver. Oliver, yeah.

It's John Oliver, yeah. What protein-based filament grows only on mammals? What protein-based filament grows only on mammals? The penis hair. Number three, who was the, and I'm not saying yes or no for these right now, who is the lead singer of the Eurythmics blank Lenox? Annie Oliver. Okay. And number four, name the pet with breeds called Maine Coon and, uh, Tonk Keneese. Cat. Great. And so you have the four answers and you have to see what they have in common.

I know.

I know too. And we're going to let Jake answer. We're only going to let Jake answer. This is the last one. He really needs this win. Oliver?

Annie, cats, and penis.

Hair.

Whatever. I'm sorry, Erin, penis hair is called pubes. Don't correct me.

Wait, pubes is the name of my cat.

So hair, Oliver, Annie, cats.

Okay.

Penis.

Let's all just stare at Jake.

Hair all over her Annie cat. What? Imagine hair that's olive colored all over Annie, and Annie's a cat.

These are, it's two names, a cat and hair. So we have all over hair, Annie, and just to nudge you along Jake, it's not cat, it's plural. Cats. Uh-huh. Oliver. Uh-huh.

No, no, let's let him fucking sit in this. Shut up. Shut up. Shut the fuck up.

Sit in your piss.

I don't care if it's silence for an hour. It's gonna be fucking low. I want it all.

Low and slow. Low and slow. It's still doing us the leave. It's still doing us the leave. I will leave. I will leave. All of this shit. All right, hold on, hold on. Jake's getting up. He's leaving. Wait, what's going on in his chair? It's, oh my God, it's a Jolly Rancher. It's a Jolly Rancher.

Definitely a Jolly Rancher.

And Jake, I should say, the reason I read this question is because earlier in the show, we actually did a scene involving one of these answers. And that's a huge hint. Like that could not be more of a hint. In fact, it's the answer. I don't remember this.

Do you have a specific memory of us doing this?

Do I have memories of it? I don't have any memories. Nice. We don't know what's going on right now. Jake, here's the little phrase we have in my house. Oh my god, Jake is crying. Dude. This is what it felt like to bully someone at a lunch table. You guys remember doing that? Remember when we would bully one person? I was always the person getting bullied. I'm used to this feeling.

I don't know that anyone can ever, anyone who's ever bullied can relate to not knowing musicals. I don't think that that's a valid form for a bully.

Yeah, and I do. It's a musical theater bully. I do when you're at a musical theater camp and the cool kid gets bullied.

Alright, let's see a scene. Hold on, we gotta see a scene.

Hold on, I just want to say something real quick. I want to say something because otherwise we'll have to edit this part out. If I can be real and sincere for a moment, I just want to apologize to Jake. I feel so bad because When you see someone who's had so much success and has so much money and is so fucking handsome as Jake, it just sucks to pick on them because they must have such a hard life and it feels like, you know, this guy probably has 20 fucking homes and, you know, I just feel bad. And I'm so sorry you have a beautiful life and a beautiful wife and I'm sorry I picked on you that it must be really hard for you.

He could have a lot of pain we don't know about. Anyways, those are for musicals.

That is a correct answer.

They're all musicals. Annie, hair, Oliver, and cats.

I get it. Food, glory is food. The sun will come out tomorrow. This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius.

Yeah, there was a major disconnect between... I thought I had to string together all of the words from those answers into a coherent sentence.

Sister was in hair in college and the performance we went to go see all the lights are supposed to come down when they get naked right before intermission and the lights broke. And that's the first penis I saw in real life. I was sitting next to my dad in between my mom and my dad. I was 14 and I saw a bunch of people strip while singing and they looked horrified.

I did not say it all.

And I was like, oh no, well no. And it was just supposed to be their silhouettes, but I saw full penises and boobs.

Just so everyone's clear, the only reason that Jake didn't know the answer to that and all of us fucking nerds knew the answer to musicals was during high school when we were all singing musicals, Jake was in the parking lot getting the shit kicked out of it by the local sports jocks. Just getting absolutely destroyed by sports jocks. Nerds. Nerds. That's right.

John, did you have a scene you wanted to see or too late?

No, yes, it's not too late because I do remember it. One more second, it would have been gone forever. So we are going to see, let's see a scene where Jake, Amir, you are the two bullies at musical camp and Erin, Adal and I are the three newest kids to musical camp. We're so excited to be here.

Oh, wow. Gee. Oh, it's so beautiful. It's glorious. Shut the fuck up, you little bitch.

That's right.

I can swear I can use the B word. Your mom's not here.

My sheet music. My sheet music. You knocked it out of my hand.

Shut up, bitch.

I swear a word. All right. Yeah, I'll say bitch all the time. I know we're supposed to be bullies, man, but you're going a little too hard, right? I don't know. I mean, these three little bitches, they don't even know what they're in for.

Here's my piss.

Here's my piss.

Just take it.

Don't know. We don't want your piss. Let's not bully them so hard, huh? They're giving us their piss.

Hey, shut up. Shut up. Take mine as well. Take mine. I'm piss perfect. Dude, here's my piss and a Jolly Ranger from my ass!

Please! This is perfect. This is awesome. Dude, take this.

Why is it awesome? We could fucking sell this at a gas station.

Wait, could we please put on a production of Piss Saigon?

Okay fine, let's hear you man.

We should definitely not do that.

Oh okay. We could do You're in Town. That's a real musical. Let's hear that you little piss bitches.

Wait, why are you even here? Don't you? Don't you?

I'm a counselor at this school. Oh no. Oh, like therapy? Yeah. Guidance, actually.

Oh, and you're drumming up business? This is immersion therapy. Seen. A weird bully. Fantastic. I don't know. I kind of liked him. He was hot.

He was super hot.

Jake & Amir, thank you so, so much for being on the show. It's so wonderful to finally have you on. Anything that you want to mention that our listeners should check out? Wow. Listen to Hey Riddle Riddle on the Headgum Network.

Which you just did. So it came just for us. There's many more better episodes than the one we did, I'm sure.

Yeah. And if you wanted to listen to more of all five of us hanging out, you can listen to our episode on If I Were You, which is our advice podcast.

Hell yeah. And check out all the... I can't stress enough. I can't stress enough because I'm... No. The head gum network, everyone there, the two of you, the offices, like you all have been an absolute dream to work with. So please check out the other... Wow.

Thank you so much for including us.

Yeah, we feel so... Thank you for being a part of the team. We feel so taken care of and so supported. So thank you so much for that genuinely. And also check out all the other podcasts on Headgum. I feel like you guys have one of the best kind of hit rates in the game in terms of like really making sure every podcast fits your, like the brand and it is wonderful. Damn.

Hell yeah. There should be something for everybody. Hell yeah. That's the goal.

JBC, anything you want to plug or a new podcast you want to pitch to Jake & Amir?

All the time. No, I mean, it's all more puddle and puddle. Yeah, I have a podcast. I know we do riddles and puzzles. I have a puddle and umbrella podcast that I would love to talk to you about. That's interesting. Well, it's not. You would think it was. Maybe I'm explaining it wrong, but it's very much not interesting. I don't want to give the wrong impression. The twist is that it's not interesting. I will send you an email. We could talk about this offline, but yeah. It sounds like a forever dog show. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Erin.

Okay, my podcast. We bring on people who don't know about musicals and we bully the shit out of them. Not about that. We find new things. We get to know them and then we bully them.

That's cool. Do you use the B word?

Yeah, we use the word bully bitch. Basketball. They send us a cup of their piss instead of letting them do plugs at the end.

That's cool. A drug test of sorts.

And Erin, you have written a musical. I've actually seen the demo version of it. It's brilliant. It's a musical that's out of this world. Of course, the title of that musical is... Jupiter. Bye forever. Oh.

Huh.

Created by Adal Rifai.

Starting Erin Keif and John Patrick Coan, Casey Toney did the editing, and Ari Parrott did the music, a logo created by Emily Cardamas and Emily Nemours.

If you like that, you're going to love this. This week on the Patreon, it's Adal's most famous things. You can find that plus all of our back catalog by going to patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle and joining the Clue Crew for $5 a month or the Review Crew for $8 a month. See you there!