Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

I have a Grande Riddle with extra foam for an Adal.

Sorry, my name is Anal.

Oh. Oh. Okay, we thought you were joking.

I'm sorry, did you say a Grande with extra foam for Anal? My name is also Anal.

Oh, we thought you were joking. I'm sorry, no. I can remake your drink or put in a new cup.

This happens to me all the time. I can't speak for this gentleman, Anal, I assume.

Anal, yes. And your name was?

I want to say Anal, yes, okay. People think I'm joking all the time. It's actually, it's a Swedish name.

Okay, I'm so sorry. You have to apologize.

What's your name? What's your name? Probably something funny.

Claire?

What'd you say?

Claire.

Oh, but how does it spell? Oh, that's it. Yeah. C-L-I-T or something?

C-L-A-R-E. I also have a... Claire with an E. Venti hot puzzle chocolate for a Mr. Butts.

That's my dad. My name is Adal Butts. Mr. Butts is my dad.

And my dad is Dr. Butts. But my name is also Adal Butts.

So, did either of you order this drink? I ordered it for my dad.

The two of us both got large milks.

This is a Starbucks, so it would be venti milks.

Well, you have milks, but we specifically said large milks.

Why can't you say the word large here?

Um, they actually, uh, they take a finger from us each time we use small, medium, or large, so we have to use tall, grande, venti.

Your t-shirt says, feeling venti and in charge.

But that's also good health care, so.

We shouldn't even be talking about small, medium, or large outside of the Patreon, just so everyone's clear.

That's fair. But I'm just saying, like, to have a shirt that says, I'm venti and in charge, that kills the joke of the rhyme that typically goes with that phrase.

Like my shirt. My shirt says I'm anal butts. Everyone understands the joke of that because it's my full name.

I have a tall cup of piss or kids temp for a JPC.

I'm sorry, did you say kids' temp? Did you say kids' temp?

And I'm Adal Rifai. I'm not talking to you asshole, I'm on the phone.

Hold on. Alright, go from JPC.

Yeah, are you JPC?

Yeah, I'm not talking to you asshole, I'm on the phone. Is this kids' temp?

Do you need a straw?

It's kids' temp. I'm not talking to you asshole, I'm on the phone. Is this kids' temp?

Wait, do you work for the company kids' temp that hires 8 to 12 year olds to do So you know me. Admin assistant work? So you know me. Yeah, I'm GPC. I work for Kids Temp. Isn't that illegal to have kids do admin work? Not in space. Not in space.

Anything goes in space. Welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle. I'm JPC, yeah!

I'm Space Anal.

Oh my god, can you imagine hiring a temp and then it's just like a 12 year old boy with glasses sitting at a computer and his feet don't hit the ground? Where do I go? Can I play Minecraft?

Where do I go?

Ah, boy. That's maybe my favorite intro to an episode we've ever had. Hey, hey y'all. How's it going? How's it doing?

Good. Speaking of coffee, JPC, you have like a white mug, which I assume it's coffee. You're not on a talk show. You're not drinking water out of a mug. It's a little decaf.

It's a fucking mug. It's a little late for coffee. This is a decaf espresso mug.

I see what's going on here. Erin, do you see how tiny that mug is? So what he does, and he's told me about this before, what he does is he holds that up to his dick and then takes a sip so that his dick looks bigger.

He takes a sip with his dick?

What did I say?

What did you say?

First of all, Adal, what I was describing to you is hot coffee dick, and I was telling you as a friend a Christmas tradition for my family. Oh my god. Do you have hot coffee dick? So for you to just put my, I don't tell people about Festivus or whatever, you people believe it.

And I have iced culada vagina.

That's called iced kuzlata.

What does that mean?

The way that you said that was like someone learning a foreign language like iced culada vagina.

I have like the headphones on at my night class to learn English.

When I learned Spanish in high school, it was all, and maybe this is universal, but you listen to in the audio lab, you listen to sentences or whatever, and it was always David Vargas. So the kids, it would be like David Vargas went to the bibliotheca, like that name for whatever reason. Anytime I think of a name, that's the first option and I have to push it aside. David Vargas is the first option. There was taste. It's branded into my brain.

There was a Spanish language tape, I think it was a tape that my teacher would play for us. Maybe it was a CD. CD makes more sense. In high school, that was all of the names and capitals of the South American and Central American countries. And I remember it was set to this shitty rock song, but there was a drum breakdown in it. And it was right after they said, Bogota, Colombia. And so now I can't divorce.

That's amazing.

Now you can't divorce?

Oh my god. We would sing it. We would sing it in class and if it like you would go down the line getting you know getting the next like a country and capital and if it ever got to me I would go Bogota, Colombia and then I would also say

Do you remember more of the song?

Dude, I only remember Bogota, Colombia. Bogota, if anybody has access to this song, send it to us at hrrpodcast at gmail.com. We need this song.

I think I've mentioned this before, but there's a song that my AP European History teacher would play in school that's stuck in my head all the time. It's that disco song about Rasputin.

Oh, yeah.

He would play it every time that we weren't feeling sad. And that's always in my head.

Can you sing some of it? I forgot.

I've heard that song before. I think it's an ABBA song. Yeah, I was going to say, so Erin, this was in high school. Sierra High School Language Department created Hamilton is what you're saying. Well basically, no, he would play that, he was a wild character. If you took AP Euro at Hang'em High, you know exactly who I'm talking about. He was the absolute best and total weirdo. And I think I mentioned this too before, he had a huge photo of our principal on his desk being like our leader.

And didn't Martha Washington name her Tomcat after him?

That's true.

Erin, this is your teacher? Let's get this guy in front of a crowd.

Hey ya kid, it's pretty great. I know, I know, I know, I know.

Hey this Phillip, I am a boy.

You can write rhymes, but you can't write mine. Speaking of writing rhymes, who is writing the puzzles in today's episode?

And wearing our merch.

I guess I didn't even realize. Guys, I have seven shirts and I just take the shirt out because every day is the same. You know how every day is the same, right? And now I just take the next shirt out and then they all move down one shirt and then when I put the clean shirts in they go to the back and then that seven shirts and then it's just those seven shirts.

Jesus Christ what is your closet the fucking Ford assembly line you wacko? Just in time delivery so we wait until there are no clean shirts before we wash.

Did anyone else have those underwear growing up that had the days of the week on it?

No I think that's just for women.

Oh, bummer. Yeah, I remember picking that pretty literally.

Yeah, guess what? Guys have the frickin' months on them, you know what I'm saying? I'm wearing February this month.

Oh, that's disgusting.

Yeah, guys are gross. In my underwear, I always had the longest month.

My parents are... Adal, take a break. Take a break.

Adal.

Oh, what was I going to say? Oh, my parents are so patient. Can you imagine it being 7 in the morning and a 12-year-old barging into your room being like, where are my Tuesday panties? I can't go to school wearing Thursday, mother! I'm being like, first of all, good morning.

Yeah, and Erin, you grew up in the 1950s? Yeah. Where are my Tuesday panties, mother? Erin, I can say with confidence I've never heard of this before. Was this a brand? No, more Tuesday panties ever.

I just literally have never heard of it. It could be a very common thing. This happens all the time where someone says a common thing that just like escapes. I didn't have sisters, so I don't know.

It was definitely a common thing because I remember the girls in my grade school talking about it and I grew up in central Illinois. So it was definitely like a brand or a thing that several brands did was put the month on the underwear.

I do remember like now I have very specific sock preferences that I like. I like no-show athletic socks or like long wool socks. But I remember when I was a kid, I guess like you didn't really do much like picking what kind of socks you would wear. And so my dad would just buy like a 30 pack of like white tube socks. It's like these are the socks. It's like this is the socks that you wear. And I do remember growing up, my dad, who is, I'm a hairy guy, especially like leg hair.

That's the best way of describing being a kid. These are the socks I wear.

These are the socks I wear. We come from a line of very hairy-legged men, but my dad wore those tube socks his entire life. And I noticed when I was a kid, like he did not grow hair past where those tube socks were. It was all gone. Like the hair, it's like he had like shaven or lasered it. It was all gone and then just like hairy legs above it. And I was like, I can't wear these fucking socks. Like, I just can't. I don't want that to happen.

And that's where the title of your one-man show, Harry Legs Above It, comes from?

Yeah. So this is disappointing. I got nothing. I don't have a joke for that.

What do you got, Erin? So I am looking it up, and it seems like the 2020 version of this is to have the days of the week written on the butt part.

But if you know

This is gonna be a weird thing to get a million messages about, but if you know which early 2000s like brand I'm talking about, I think I know that a lot of ladies who are like kids and teens in the early 2000s are gonna know what I'm talking about. And they were like so specific and the aesthetic was so specific and everyone had them. So I'm wondering where they are.

You put the dates on the underwear.

They're on the front.

You put the dates on the underwear.

They're supposed to be on the front. I guess, yeah. I guess if you still have the underwear, I don't know, bunch them up and mail them to me, I guess. I'll put them in a vending machine. I guess, I don't know.

I'm the Japanese businessman.

Okay, so enough out of this, enough yakking around, we're all jerking each other's chains. We gotta do some riddles, it's a riddle podcast, it's Hey Riddle. I'm old man riddles, I'm the conductor on this riddle train, and the first stop is... Ian Station. This is from a listener named Ian who sent this message in. Ian fucking just cuts right to the quick and says... Hey, I'm sorry, JPC, I know you're about to read a riddle. Oh, okay.

But Adal, I'd just like to say goodbye before you get on this train at Ian Station. You'll ride me, won't you?

Last call. Last call for Ian Station. Hold tight, conductor. I'll try and ride, but... Hey, Daddy-o, I'll hold tight. As you know, where I'm going there may not be as much ink as we have here in Nantucket. So you be a good mother and a good neighbor.

Tell me, did you really love me? The train's starting to move.

I'm running alongside it. You said the train's boarding now? I gotta go. I gotta go.

No, you tell me. I'm running beside the train, please. Did you ever really love me?

Stop the train. We'll wait. This seems important. No, no, no. We gotta go. No, we can wait. Honestly, we're ahead of schedule. Do you sell snow caps on the train? Hey, don't talk to me. Talk to your woman, man. No.

You're holding up the train. Not my woman. There's steam everywhere. We're in sepia tones. Please tell me, did you ever really love me?

Oh, I feel stupid. I didn't know it was pronounced sepia. I've been seeing sepia, and now I feel like a goddamn fool. Is it sepia? Don't change to the subject.

No, I think you're right.

Actually, both are correct. Go, man. Go. It's all you. You, dog.

Well, you... Let me give you a tap on the shoulder. You are great. Don't fucking touch me. I know I'm great. I'm a drink conductor.

So much steam. I can't see who I'm tapping.

I think we're ready for Ian's Riddle now.

Okay. A produce truck carrying watermelons, apples, and oranges takes a sharp turn. What drops first? What drops first is watermelon, apples, oranges. Somebody dropped the fruit!

I panicked and went... You guys, I panicked. I'm better than that. I forgot... I don't know.

Beats and grapes and beats and grapes and beats and grapes and beats and grapes. So produce, which is... Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce?

Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce?

Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce?

Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce?

Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce? Produce

Takes a sharp turn. What drop source is going to be the brake pedal, right? I don't know if you'd call that drop, but it's going to be pressed.

Adal, that is so close to the instrument, not the answer to the input, but I would technically accept that. Is it the gas pedal because the guy speeds in the curves? It's not the pedal, but it is what happens when you press the brake pedal. The thing that drops is the It's the speed drops first. The trucks speed will drop first. I want to see a scene.

JPC and Erin, you are two detectives and you have jumped on board a produce truck

That if it goes over 15 miles an hour, it will explode. 15 miles an hour? Yeah. And so you're trying to do your best work.

Oh, this fruit's gonna go bad. We're going so slow. We're on the highway.

It doesn't matter, Garcia, because if we go over 15 miles an hour, this thing's gonna explode.

Please let me just go 20. Come on. This is brutal. People are laughing at us.

Okay. Okay. Hold on. Hold on.

Why don't you just stop the truck?

Hold on. I want it. I want to make sure that you understand. If this goes over 15 miles an hour, we explode. So we would die if we go 20. You get that, right?

Yeah, but at least I'd be going 20 miles per hour when I died. Come on.

Hey, how are things at home?

I've got a need for speed.

I realize that we don't talk as much as we used to, but like... How are you? How are you doing? Are you okay?

How are we supposed to merge if we're only going 15?

Hey Garcia, pull over. Don't worry about that. I really want to just check in on you because it seems like from an outside observer you maybe want this truck to explode.

Oh. And I don't. I just pulled over and I guess we can come to a full stop.

Yeah.

Huh. Sorry, I just, things at home are really hard. I said goodbye to my boyfriend on the train and he told me he never really loved me and he told me to be a good mother and we don't even have kids.

That's so awful. Damn you both, I've been foiled again. Dr. Chameleon had a brilliant plan and it's been foiled.

Hey Dr. Chameleon, it wasn't brilliant. You understood, right, that you put that over a

If it goes over 15 miles per hour, you'll explode. I didn't think about stopping in the truck.

Dr. Chameleon, how many minutes into the movie Speed did you get? Like how many minutes in?

Trailers!

Okay, yeah.

Oh, so you don't even know that Dustin Hopper's in it. Dustin Hopper? And Jack Daniels. I didn't know Dustin Hopper was in it. It's either Dustin Hopper or Dennis Hopper.

It's one of those two that I hedge my bet.

Wait a hedge your bets? Dr. Chameleon, your mustache has so much product in it. It's just going to snap off at any second.

It has mousse and hairspray and gel.

What happens when you take a shower? Does it droop down?

Garcia, I'm more interested in this devastating news that you said about your boyfriend. He said, I don't love you and take care of our children?

No, he said be a good mother and we don't have children. Be a good mother later in my life? Why are you commenting on my ability to be a mom? I'm fucked.

Dump his ass. I've said that to women before. I've said that to women before. You know, be a good mother later in life. I think it's a compliment.

What if, I know, but what if you don't want to have kids? There's so many terrible implications. Dr. Chameleon, you're standing really close to us and crossing your arms and nodding like you're our friend.

Yes, let's all talk about our relationships.

No, three feet back, Dr. Chameleon. Best friends. No, no, no, no, three feet back.

Arrest me and take me to your house.

We're not that kind of cop. We're not that kind of cop. We don't do that.

I hope it rains so I can see how your mustache is without all of that product in it.

Scene. Oh, Dr. Chameleon, we hardly knew ya.

Okay, this next one's... Sorry, I hit pause on my JPC, I just rewound it. Now let me press fast forward on my JPC button. Okay pause, and now play.

This next one comes from Kim. Okay, Kim says, love the show. Hey, thanks Kim, we love you.

Thanks Kim.

Kim says that they sometimes read riddles to my co-workers on our lunch break, and I wanted to share this one with you.

Unrelated, my coworkers are not eating lunch with me anymore.

Kim says, Andrew is the son of Rita. Rita is the blank of Andrew's mother. Fill in the blank.

Say that one more time.

Andrew is the son of Rita. Rita is the blank of Andrew's mother.

Wife.

No. The spitting image. The cat's meow. No.

The bee's knees.

No, no, no.

Andrew is the son of Rita. Yeah. Rita is the blank of Andrew's mother. Ooh. Is it Marg?

Wait, let me pause. Let me rewind JPC. Let me rewind JPC. Grandkid.

Grandson.

Let me loop this.

I know it is not Marg, it is not Grandkid. So Andrew is the son of Rita. Rita is the blank of Andrew's mother.

Is the mother of Andrew's mother? No. Is this twin? No. Is the killer pretending to be... Do you guys want a hint?

Yes. So you're not looking, you are not looking for a family relation. Oh, friend. It's not that. No, no, no. You're not looking for a relation at all. Adal was closest with title.

Who is the keeper? Women are in charge of their own selves. Welcome to my self-help book. Huh huh? You guys don't mind if I just jump into my audiobook and... Erin, you gotta have a more confident title.

People do not want to buy, huh?

No, it wasn't that. It was like, uh huh? It was like two huhs. Erin, I heard back from the editor, they do not know how to spell this thing. Can you give us a quick spelling of the title of this?

Okay, sure.

The title of my book is, steal this book or don't. I'm sorry I suggested that. Please pay. I don't know what I'm doing.

And then the title continues. It's written in crayon down.

I'll pay for everyone's. I'm so sorry. Andrew's son of Rita. Rita is the blank of Andrew's mother.

Is the... Is the... Name.

Name is the correct answer. Rita is the name of Andrew's mother. That stinks. You said, hope this pleases old man puzzles. I felt great pleasure and immense power reading that, Riddle.

That stinks. So did your lunch.

Damn, you're getting bullied, Kim. You got bullied by the best, Kim. Take your shit home. You're done.

You're done for the day. I want to see a scene. JPC, you're going to be playing Andrew, Erin, you are Andrew's mother, and unfortunately, Andrew, you can't remember your mom's name.

Hey, sweetie.

Hey. Oh, no.

Oh, yeah, you must know that the principal gave me a call today. He told me he went to a little fight at school. Who did he call? He called me. Okay, cool, cool. And I'm gonna tell your father about it. As soon as he gets back from his bachelor party weekend.

Do you think dad might be upset about it? Do you think maybe we should maybe do some role play just to get you practice for telling dad about it?

Yeah, I feel like maybe if we're going to roleplay we should do some conflict resolution I can be the kid at school you got into the fight with.

Why don't we- What was his name? Here's a crazy idea. Why don't we do this for roleplay's sake. I'll be you, you be dad, and we'll just- Are you buttering a Pop-Tart? What's that?

Are you putting butter on a Pop-Tart while we fall?

Not the front of it, the back of it. That's the toast side.

That doesn't need butter. That's the toast side.

It's the toast side.

It's the toast side. Pop-tarts are great just as they are. They don't need anything else.

Nah, they need frosting on the back. I've said this. If there's frosting on the front, put frosting on the back. Then it's a cake tart.

Butter and frosting aren't interchangeable.

I'll be dad. No, I'll be you. You be dad.

Okay.

Okay. Okay, fine.

Honey, I'm home. I'm back from the bachelorette party weekend. Nothing weird happened.

Perfect. Tell me you love me.

I love you.

No, say it more specific.

I love you, honey.

No, no, no, no, no. Call me by your name, Timothy Chalamet.

Timothy? I love you, Timothy Chalamet. No, don't call me Timothy.

Alright, Mom, can I level with you? Oh my god, it was on the tip of my tongue and then it was just there. Did you forget me? There you go. Okay, enough fun. Back to work. Yes sir. This next one is from Rachel. Rachel says blah blah blah like the podcast. Who cares? Wait, does she say she loves us? No, Rachel says I always get a dozen good belly laughs out of it, which is not the point. But we make 24 jokes. Second, Rachel says, I humbly submit a pussy. I'm listening. Yeah, here's the pussy. Two people are close to each other. The first reaches out and pulls off the second's ring. The second person exclaims, oh thank you. Why?

Erin, you can't pull off that ring. Why?

Because it's as big as my hand and it makes it so I can't pick up the phone or write with that hand or wave.

Okay, I want to see a scene. Erin, Adal and I are your two like best friends. You have just gotten engaged. You're showing off your engagement ring. It is so fucking big that your like whole hand has turned blue and it is like your hand is like dying because of this ring.

Ladies! Yeah, I know. He popped the question. He finally did it. I'm so excited. I'm so happy.

Speaking of popped, your hand looks like it's about to explode.

I know. It's so happy. This hand is finally like, whoa. I just can't wait for the rest of my life to start. Will you two be my bridesmaid?

Claire, Claire, Claire. What's up? You are currently dying.

What of joy? Girl, you killed me too. Be my bridesmaid. Come on.

That ring is enormous.

Oh, I didn't notice.

It's so venti that it's crushing your hand.

It looks like what?

It looks like a ring pop, but instead of a candy ring, it's a real diamond and it is crushing your hand.

Yeah, it's not just a ring pop, it's a ring mom and a ring kids and the whole ring family.

It's too big. It's too big. I'm snapping ring family.

It's the whole ring family.

Um, I can't help it if my fiance, oh my god it's so weird to say the word fiance, is rich.

It's really not.

Um, but look how like feminine I look, like look. Look at how I look like when I'm like talking in the phone like. Oh, hi hello.

I think Eddie is trying to kill you. I think it is a plot against you.

No, no, no. I'm just, I love like dark, dark purple is my favorite color. Now my hands dark purple.

And your lips and under your eyes.

Oh my God. Some of us just didn't get great sleep because our body is begging us to cut off our hands.

Same.

I hope I get a ring that big. Bitch, I hope I get a ring that big.

If you like it, then you better try and kill me with the ring on it. No, but that is not the answer.

Two people are close to each other. If you like it, then take me to a hospital. Two people are close to each other. The first reaches out and pulls off the second's ring. The second person exclaims, oh, thank you.

I think I know what's going on. So the two people are Woody and Andy.

Oh my God.

Not Andy. Who's the, who's the other cow, who's the cowgirl? Woody and... Andy's the boy. Jesse. There's no way to know. We'll call her Deborah. Woody and Deborah are having a conversation and Deborah's like... When somebody Deborah Debra! Debra! Woody and Debra having a conversation. Debra keeps getting her pull cord caught on things so Woody rips off her ring that's at the end of her cord and she can tuck the cord into the back of her pants without the ring getting caught on everything.

Adal you have an act of imagining.

Wow, Erin, thank you so much. My doctors call me dumb. Adal has an active imagination. We love him in class. He's getting all F's. Is active imagination code word for like crazy? What an active imagination you have.

I guess it's just like the opposite of like, we're trying to turn your child into a docile cow. And he's got an active imagination.

Oh Charles Manson, what an act of imagination. JBC is so funny. He's a pleasure to have in class. He keeps bringing several squirrels with him in his backpack. It's terrorizing the whole school. I don't know. What could this ring be? It's on a ring ring.

Pull off a ring.

I guess, I mean, Adal is on like the right track. I want to say, I don't want to give him too much because I feel like he'll go way deeper, but it is It's similar to what you were talking about.

I want to say it's a cock ring? Johnny Cock Ring? No. Okay. It's not Johnny Cock Ring. I want to say what kind of rings do we have? We have ring pops, we have wedding rings, we have ring around rosies.

Ring a ding ding. Give me a ring.

Ring a ding dings. We have, yes, we have franks and nachos. We have ring, we have a ring could be like Is it like on their skin? Like a ring?

You're just saying Johnny Cock ring. Is there anything to like Johnny Cock ring and like getting OJ off or like something along those lines? No, there's nothing there.

Never will be. And if so, we missed it. 1994 was our window. What could a ring be? Pull off their ring. Is it like a nose ring? Is a ring like a telephone ring?

So it's, it is, you're getting more, like it's not, it's not like a, it's not like a jewelry. It's not jewelry. It's not like a ring like that. Hold off there ring. The two people are very close to each other.

There's one of those open faced frisbees stuck around his neck. You know what I'm talking about?

Open faced, no. Open faced frisbees. Alright, Erin, Erin, Erin, I want to see a scene. I'm sorry, second scene. No, I'm getting out of here.

Hold on. Hold on. I can't endure this dead stuff.

Hold on, real quick. You sit your ass down. Real quick. I have to ask, Erin. What have you been eating?

Here's the scene. Here's the scene. Erin, don't worry. Erin, don't worry. You do not have to do the work on this scene. It's going to be Adal's scene.

Can we open face Frisbee?

You and I are at a restaurant, Erin. We're having lunch together. Adal, you are going to be reading us the specials at this restaurant. And it's all sporting equipment instead of food.

Great. Okay. Um, I don't know if you had a chance to peruse the menu, but we do have some specials today.

It's our anniversary. So really skies the limit. We really want to order off the fancy menu tonight.

Uh, it's our, it's our work anniversary. Oh, work anniversary.

We call it. Maybe it's a potential for

For romance.

Yes. Uh, no. Hold on. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Oh, this is like a train leaving the station.

I feel like I've been so clear with you and I... You keep doing this.

And you keep forgetting that my memory resets every 14 seconds.

I'm so sorry.

I forgot about your condition again. We also have a hacky sack lunch.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, sir. We've actually discovered something else. I don't know if you were paying attention. Her memory resets every 14 seconds.

It's our anniversary.

Oh, so you're like a goldfish.

Yes. Oh, I wouldn't say no to a goldfish. Are they fried?

They are fried. They are deep fried.

We'll get a basket of fried goldfish for the table.

Of course, of course. We also have a soccer ball orancini, which is tre magnifique. Sorry, who's the drummer for Blink-22? Tre. Tre Magnifique. Tre Magnifique. Who's the lead singer of fish? Tre. Anastasio. That's right.

Oh, it's our anniversary.

Is this, is this a joke?

No, it's not a joke. Hi, I'm JPC from the podcast Hey Riddle Riddle. If you have goldfish brain, your memory resets every 14 seconds. This is a condition that affects probably no one, but it does affect- Flying discs.

Flying discs is what I meant. Ring, flying ring discs. What is that? Not open faced frisbees.

Oh, oh, oh, okay.

Just like Frisbee's with holes in it. They're frying like this. Frisbee's with holes in it.

Like donuts. They kind of like donuts.

But Erin, what have you been eating?

Erin, you can understand where open-faced Frisbee gave us room for pause.

I stand up, I stand up, and it's clear that I've been only eating Frisbees.

Sean, Sean, stop making those sandwiches. We were wrong. No, I'm not only eating Frisbees. That would be insane. I'd be gaining a ton of weight. I'm eating the circle out of the middle of the Frisbee.

Well, speaking of the middle of the frisbee, it's the middle of the episode.

No, no, no, no, you haven't solved the riddle. We're not going to break until you guys get this riddle.

What is it? Tell us quick.

So it's not a fashion ring or a jewelry ring. It's like a ring that is on an object and that ring is critical to saving this person's life. That's why they say, oh, thank you. The first person pulls the ring off.

It's a ring fit. Somebody got a ring fit stuck on them. We are switching to Nintendo Switch Ring Fit.

These people are very close to each other. No, no, they're very close to each other, but like one of them or both of them will die if this ring is not pulled off. They're also moving incredibly fast. It's not a grenade, that's a good guess. They're moving incredibly fast and the direction that they're moving is towards the Earth.

Oh, it's the ring on a zip cord, on a parachute.

Oh, it's the ring on a parachute.

Or, as we like to call it in the United States, zip cords. I would like to see a scene really quick.

I'm so sorry. And then we'll go to break. Adal and JBC, you just jumped out of a plane together and you're parachuting on the way down and then it becomes kind of clear that one of your parachutes is malfunctioning.

Whoo, this is thrilling. Wow. So fun. It's so high up. I am so nervous. If you don't mind, I think I'm just gonna pull my cord now. I know that I still have a lot of time, but I'm just gonna pull.

Oh sure.

That's potatoes.

Oh.

That's a hundred potatoes.

My potatoes. Oh God, Jeff. I told you I wanted to do something fun when we landed. You just blew all my potatoes. I grabbed your potato bag instead of my goddamn parachute bag.

Oh, that reminds me of a joke. We'll hear it. Hold on, how does it go? And I'm making it up on the spot here. What do you hear when two people from Minnesota stub their toe? A pair of shoots.

Jeff, the thing about your jokes is that you'd never have any confidence in them. Like, they're funny jokes. You just have to believe in yourself a little more.

Breaking news tonight, over a hundred dead from being hit in the head with potatoes falling from the sky. For more on this, we go to Jeff with weather. Jeff?

Yes, it's been raining potatoes all over the place. Now, these people, of course, are post potatoes, but that's a phrase that's divorced from... No, Jeff!

Jeff, those episodes where we talked about post potatoes are over a year and a half ago. Do you think people will remember that joke?

That is correct. There is a fog seeping in, a foggy memory seeping into our listeners. I'm sorry, teleprompter guy. That is Sepia. Sepia in. And speaking of Sepia in, we have fog rolling into most of Newark.

Jeff, I have some bad news. It looks like a man who is supposed to have a parachute is about to strike and kill you. You're going to take the brunt of his fall. Back to you, Jeff.

Hey hold on, Sarah can I ask you, why are you talking like you're in the field when you're just sitting at the desk?

I absolutely can't believe that you just said that. Even furthermore, I can't believe that the man who just fell from the sky bumped you sort of gently and said, oops, I'm so sorry, Rachel, and looked a little disoriented and is currently behind you trying to sort of figure out where to go or what to do next.

Are you going to be okay, buddy? I'm so sorry. I didn't see you there. Are you going to be okay, buddy? No, I'm dead.

All right, over to Michael with sports. Michael?

And now we're going to take a well deserved break.

I saw Michael as being like 300 pounds bright red face. Hey everyone. Elephant in the room. Erin is not here. Not that Erin's an elephant. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Just want to let everyone know we are so happy for Erin.

We just got some emails.

We're so happy for Erin. We mentioned this in an ad a couple months ago, which you couldn't be here, that her morning show has taken off. It was just renewed for a second. Morning. I am so happy for her.

We are thrilled for her. So sometime next year, she will be doing one episode in the morning. But since she's not here, there's still things to get done. There's still business to be addressed. And one of the things that we have to get done is

We have to get her a gift. It's a brand new morning show. We have to get her a gift. So Adal, here's what I'm thinking. Why don't we get her a box of America's number one meal kit, HelloFresh. Oh, yum, yum, yum. Here's the thing. It's a morning show. She's got to wake up super early to do it. She doesn't have time to make trips to the grocery store. A million trips to the grocery store a day doesn't have time for it. She wants to come home, make cooking easy, fun, and affordable. And HelloFresh is stress-free. It's a convenient way for no contact delivery to your doorstep Hey Riddle.

The HelloFresh is delicious and nutritious. See what I did there? I ended up with two-icious words. HelloFresh delivers fresh, high-quality, pre-portioned ingredients so you can make meals that are delicious and nutritious. Over 90% of ingredients are sourced directly from growers, not showers, to ensure peak flavor and ripeness. And my tummy is actually full right now of a little something called salsa verde enchiladas With poblato, pepper, black beans, and Monterey Jack. Gemma and I do five meals a week now of the veggie package. And honestly, I don't even miss meat. I'm a huge meat consumer. I don't miss meat because the veggie dishes are so delicious.

And Adal, I know about 90 seconds ago you said that you're a wordsmith. And once again, I just wanted to say I am so sorry that the character of wordsmith that Erin is doing on her morning show, she decided just to play herself. I know that's a huge blow for you. I do think that it's a very funny character and she does it really well. Thank you. Because, you know what, it's just part of something that fits her lifestyle. And speaking of fitting your lifestyle, HelloFresh is flexible. You can easily change delivery days or meal plan preferences, skip a week whenever you want. It's all right there on the app.

You gotta get this app. They're so flexible. They should be called Cirque de Fresh.

Is that something? It is something that may be a competitor, so we're not allowed to mention it. Gotcha. All we can say is that if you want to try HelloFresh, just like Erin is going to get this delicious box delivered right to the studio where she does her morning show, Go to hellofresh.com slash HeyRiddle90 and use code HeyRiddle90 to get $90 off, including free shipping. Erin did not want you to have this value. This is a value that Erin did not want you to have.

Yeah, we can only give it because Erin's not on this ad currently. So hurry up and do it before she gets back. I know she's going to be pissed off that we gave that much money away. But please, please check it out. Please do it.

HelloFresh.com slash HeyRiddle90 and use code HeyRiddle90 to get $90 off, including free shipping. Adal, Adal, wake up, wake up!

Oh, what's the issue, my man?

It's so loud, calm down. Adal, it's 6.15 a.m. You slept in, you missed Erin's morning show. It's at 4 a.m. Central Time. Oh, that's a shame, but you know what? Say lovey. What, how can you be so relaxed?

What is this that you are sleeping upon? Let's just say I got a little HS, wink wink, and HS I guess you wouldn't know stands for Helix Sleep because I have a helix sleep mattress. I slept like a baby. Well, that's not, hold on. I don't want to say I slept like a baby because babies famously wake up like 13 times during the night screaming and calling.

Some babies sleep through the night.

They barf on their own tummies. I didn't sleep like a baby.

I slept

Like a 38 year old man. There's nothing wrong with barfing on your own tummy.

I got to get one of these Helix sleep mattresses. I got to go on the website. I got to take a two minute sleep quiz to complete. Match my body type to my sleep preference and find the perfect mattress for me. Adal, you've sold me. I got to do it now.

That's right. They know that everybody's unique. They know that, you know, my 38 year old body is weird and somewhat misshapen. So they make a mattress that fits me comfortably. And they know that you are a wild man who drinks exclusively lemonade.

Let's not say it. Let's just say lemonade.

Well, with Mountain Dew, that you have certain needs that you probably can't sleep on your stomach because that's going to make you sick.

Firm mattress, back sleeper. I move around all night.

So they know that and they have mattresses for everyone.

You know what? That's so smart, Adal. And if you want to be smart and if you're looking for a mattress, you got to go take this quiz. You got to order your mattress that you matched you. And the mattress comes right to your door, shipped for free. You don't even need to go to a mattress door. That's the best part. You never have to go to a mattress store again.

That's been an old day in a mattress store. Oh, that's right. And you know what? You know how I won't date anyone unless they've won an award? You know how my last 12 girlfriends all won Grammys? And one of them was a Grammy, right? That's right. Yes. Grammy Phillips from Wilson Phillips. Helix Sleep is so awesome that they have won their own awards. They were awarded the number one best overall mattress pick of 2020, that's this year, by GQ and Wired Magazine.

Two magazines I actually read. GQ and Wired Magazine also nominated Erin's Morning Show for Best Morning Show in the 4am to 4.15am Central Time Time slot. A new morning show, I should say. Old morning shows were excluded. She narrowly lost that out. But if you want to win big time, like Erin's Morning Show did when she did this, the GQ and Wired Magazine Award, all you gotta do is go to helixsleep.com slash Riddle. Take the two-minute sleep quiz and they will match you to the customized mattress so that you can get the best Sleep of your life. Also, they got a 10 year warranty and you can try it out for 100 nights free. Risk free, that is. They'll even pick it up for you if you don't love it, but you will love it.

What are they, a ska band? Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up. Helix is also offering up to $200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. That's all you idiots out there at helixsleep.com slash Riddle. Again, that's helixsleep.com slash R-I-D-D-L-E. Erin, good luck on your morning show. I'm going to go back to bed.

Touchdown, back to you Steph. And that's sports.

Thank you so much for that break. Now back to Hey Riddle Riddle.

Alright, we are back to Hey Riddle Riddle. Thank you Rachel for that fucking stellar ass riddle. We all loved it and we love you and that's the best. This next riddle comes from, you know, I don't know if this is, how would you pronounce? E-M-I-L-I-E.

Emilio Cepia.

This email comes from Cepia. You guys ready for this? What has four letters, sometimes nine letters, but never five letters?

That's just a sentence. What has five letters, sometimes has nine letters. What has four letters, sometimes nine letters, but never has five letters. Yeah, it's just a sentence. Each of those words has the following amount of letters. Correct, this is not a riddle, this is a sentence that I'm just reading to you. It's like when I was in court, it's just a sentence

Get over it. It's just a freaking sentence. I don't know. Thank you, Sepia, for submitting that riddle. We all enjoyed it.

Wait, are we going to call out Erin after I answered it and you said that's correct? Erin says, I don't know.

No, I was going to say, I don't know about those riddles anymore. Do you know what I mean? Not all riddles.

Wow, Erin's coming out as not all riddles. Wow, not all riddles. Really, really? 2021? We're recording this in 2021. This next one is coming from Candace. Candace in Canada. I don't know if Candace gives the last name, but I think it's also Bergen. I love the alliteration. So if you are, you know, Brian from Bogota, Colombia, put it in your email. So Candace from Canada says, a fish dies and a doctor is called.

Why? Fish dies in a doctor's call. That's the name of the song. Crap, crap, crap, crap.

You give the fish mouth to mouth.

Yes. The fish was Tre Anastasio and the doctor was Dr. John.

It's because the person holding the fish got hurt.

No.

The fish was inside of someone. Someone swallowed a fish on a dare.

The call is coming from inside the fish.

That's a very good, Erin, that is a very good guess, but no, that is not the correct answer. I think we've had this one before.

The call is coming from inside the fish.

Great, Adal, if we've had it before.

We have such an active imagination. So I think what it was is that somebody dropped a fish and they called a veterinarian, but they were like, your fish is dead? Something like that?

Yes, because doctors are veterinarians. Yeah. Hey Riddle. We're not even a pet, but like an animal. Like I hit a squirrel or something with my car. Like this is a dead animal, but I'll bring it to a vet because what else do you do in that situation? I think vets deal with that all the time. I think vets deal with that all the time. I think vets deal with that all the time. I think vets deal with that all the time.

I think vets deal with that all the time. I think vets deal with that all the time. I think vets deal with that all the time. I think vets deal with that all the time. I think vets deal with that all the time. I think vets deal with that all the time. I think vets deal with that all the time. I think vets deal with that all the time. I think vets deal with that all the time. I think vets deal with that all the time. I think vets deal with that all the time.

I think vets deal with that all the time.

I think vets deal with that all the time.

I think vets deal with that

I had, yes, we had an aquarium growing up, we had all kinds of fish, and then I also at some point had a betta fish. Betamax? Betamish? And that was, that was boring.

I don't know if it's just the way that I experienced, like, life, but I feel like aquariums were like a way bigger thing when I was growing up, and I just never see aquariums.

Yeah, me neither.

I never see them anymore. In people's houses.

I think 80s, early 90s, it was a big thing, and yeah, I don't see them anymore. We had fish and when they died my dad would drop them into the toilet and flush them down the river. Sticks. So when he went to take a shit, what do you say I'm gonna go drop the fish off at the graveyard?

He said I got a couple hundred goldfish wrecking havoc in my fucking guts.

I had a fish tank in my room for most of my childhood. We used to go and get new fish at Finfer and Feather in Quincy.

Finfer and Feather.

And yeah, I had a red, white, and blue fish that I love named Liberty, and that's why my first AOL screen name was Liberty77. Wow. But yeah, I loved having my fish. And then I also, like, my cat would love watching it, and then, I mean, he killed one, and I didn't talk to him for a while. Yeah, and then I had a therapist, I was like having a really hard time sleeping and she was like, what kind of sounds or like circumstances would it be in your childhood bedroom? And I was like, well, I had a sound of an aquarium and she's like, you should use a sound app and use an aquarium sound. And it worked so well.

Oh wow. Can you recreate?

I can't use that anymore because I live with Sean and Sean would be like, I can't handle aquarium sound every night before bed. But I used to do it.

We use the sound of a thunderstorm or sound of rain like every night because also Spaghetti will bark if she hears some noises so if she has something to kind of like white noise to drown it out but I don't know if I, well I actually don't know what would happen if, I mean I literally have been listening to the sound of a thunderstorm for like two and a half years going to sleep now.

Can we, for our listeners, I just want to take a moment here. So this is going to be something special. We're just going to plop down into the middle of this episode. Erin, I want you to start us off. We're going to recreate the aquarium sounds and then into the thunderstorm sounds, JPC, that you listen to when you go to sleep.

So, Erin, whenever you're ready.

Help. I'm a fish that breathes air. Please help me. Help me. Please. Oh God. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

Hey Todd. Hey Todd. Yeah? I know you're really nervous for your big speech in there. You have skills. You can breathe in the water. Okay. All right, now go out there and become the fish mayor that we all know you can be. Okay. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd.

Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd.

Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd.

Todd. Todd. Todd.

Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd.

Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd.

Hello, citizens of this aquarium. I am Todd, hoping to be your mayor. Do you want more flakes on top? I can get them for you.

Who wants more flakes?

Do you want more bubbles from the treasure chest? I can get you those bubbles! And who hates those things that suck onto the side of aquariums? Let's get rid of those things.

We're right here. Fish!

Fish! Fish! Hear me now. I have unearthed a photograph of Tom and a... Tom or Todd? Oh, wait, where am I?

Which aquarium is this? You're in a thunderstorm. Crash lightning. Rain, rain.

Help. I'm a human who breathes water. Help.

See. I'm a human who breathes lightning. Alright, here's your riddle. This one's called Who Did It? Guys, we have fun, right?

JBC. JBC did it.

JBC did it. Bus itself. Alright, I'll read the riddle anyway, but you guys got it. Solvin' makes me feel good. A child is gaslighting a teacher into thinking they killed a person. Now he goes on to host a podcast. Who did it? Okay. A child at school printed something rude on the wall and nobody owned up to doing it. How did the teacher find out who did it?

Who did it? They wrote their phone number.

That's a rude phone number. Their phone number is 69694269.

The kid was Banksy and he signed it.

Oh yeah, this is a riddle about how Banksy got caught.

It's the pen that they used. Oh, the height.

The height of the kid.

They had everyone line up by height.

Erin, that is smart.

That is not... I have always said that you should separate children based on their height. Tall kids with tall kids, short kids with short kids, medium kids with medium kids.

If you let me be mayor of this aquarium... Hold on, I have a picture of Erin. Wait, was it Pizza Talk Chony?

What was it, Pizza Chalk Tony?

What was it, Pizza Chalk Tony?

Wait, I would like to see a seed. I'm Pizza Chalk Tony, and you two are sort of my lackeys and you're coming in to give me news.

And Erin, I can't stress it enough. Are you saying, Peace of Chalk Tony or are you saying Pizza Talk Chony?

You don't know.

Are you saying Pizza Talk Chony?

That's what Al said.

I guess we have a name for the episode.

You know that 70's show, Johnny Lost Pizza.

All right, ready? Okay.

Hello, gentlemen.

Hey, Tony, Pizza Talk Tony.

Pizza Talk Tony. Let me, uh, hey, uh, Marie, poor these gentlemen, these fine gentlemen, some merlot.

Oh, I'd be happy to. A merlot for you, and a merlot for you, and a merlot for you, Pizza Talk Tony.

Oh, thank you.

Okay.

Don't know why you bring us here. What's the big news? What's going on? What's the rub, bub? Pizza Talk don't tell us.

I hear that my persona is actually not being very well represented.

Yeah well, persona 4 was represented well, but persona 5 was a little blow to hit.

Enough. You two are out there and you don't even know what my name is.

Pizza Talk Chony. That's not true, Pizza Talk Chony. We've been talking about your name all over town.

People don't know what my brand is. They know my name is Tony. Some people think it's Chony, but I need you gentlemen to get, what's my nickname? What am I known for?

So can we get clarification on what the, it is it Chony or Tony? Could you write it down?

Here.

Oh, I just gotta help. I don't read. Okay, there's marinara sauce all over this napkin. I read marinara sauce. Delishico.

I was eating marinara sauce with my hands before you came in here. Pizza Chachony. Pizza Chachony. You'll end up in the bottom of the river if you don't.

No, look, I talk about you all over town. I say nobody is bigger in classrooms and pizza stores than Pizza Chachony.

Tony, Tony, please. They know you everywhere. I don't want to end up in the bottom of the river. You know I hate submarines. Please, Tony, Pizza Talk Chony.

Too late, gentlemen. Yeah, I'm going to put you where you belong. Six feet under. But before you go, guess what my name was? Aw, these two much bigger gentlemen behind you are going to kill you. Any last guesses?

Not much bigger. This guy's 5'11. Yeah, it was comparable height.

You think you're 5'11? No, I mean I am smaller than 5'11. Maybe on dating apps.

Short kings. I'm just saying that I think all kids should be chunked together by height.

Yeah, chunked together. Before you go, before you die. My name was PETA TikTok Tony. I make TikToks about PETA bread.

Oh, Peter. I thought you were saying Peter. I thought you were saying, like, well, stop shooting in the ceiling. I thought you were saying Peter. Okay, we told you to stop shooting in the ceiling. We're not going to fuck each other. We're not going to fuck each other.

That Merlot was poisoned.

Same. Pizza Talk Chony.

No, that's not right. It's not Pizza Talk Chony. That's not the answer to this riddle.

What is?

I guess I can give you guys some effing clues.

I have a guess. Is it something to where the kid who did it had a cast on their arm and so they had to write with their offhand and it was clearly scrawled versus written?

They didn't have to write it with their non-dominant hand. There's only one left, though. What they wrote was an offhand remark, but that is incorrect. That is not the answer. You guys want some clues?

Yes.

Who did it? How did the teacher figure it out? The teacher did not threaten or bribe any child, so there was no threat or bribes, no carrot, no stick. No child admitted the misdemeanor or tattled on anyone else, so they didn't get anyone to confess. And then the final clue, the teacher gave the class an exercise to do, which helped them figure it out. It was Jack. Good old jumping Jack did it. Adal, I know that you have that Guess Who board in front of you. I've been wondering what that is. That is not going to come into play in this Riddle. You will not need that Guess Who board.

Shouldn't it be Guess Whom? No Mattel. Pray tell Mattel. Shouldn't it be guess who's? Shouldn't it be clues? I get more than one. I don't know.

This time I don't know. I know that this riddle's probably good.

Did she give them an exercise where they had to like write words and then she looked to see if this penmanship was the same?

Yes, she gave them an exercise where they had to write words, but it wasn't penmanship that she was testing.

Oh, color of the pen?

Oh, spelling's good. Yes, the child wrote on the wall that the teacher was a miserable fucknuckit, but they misspelled miserable, and so the teacher asked them how to spell miserable, and the guilty child spelled it the only way they knew how. And kids are stupid.

Great, now I'm hungry for chicken make fucknuckits.

No, the actual answer to this says the headmaster is a horrible spell drawing and then just dollar sign asterisks, at sign, ampersand, you know. These cowards who made this book didn't even want to fucking print the curse words, even though we know they're fun to say. The most fun. And you can say stuff like fuck nuck it. The most fun. Are you guys ready for another Riddle? Yes, please. You're gonna love this one. It's gonna make you shit your fucking pants. Oh, that sounds terrible. Oh, you wouldn't love that? Nevermind. Okay, hold on. I have to cancel some birthday presents for you guys. Don't open your door for the next few days. This one is called lethal relief. So a famine-stricken country was receiving food aid, but this inadvertently led to the deaths of several people. How?

I think I know this immediately. Oh, Adal, give it to me immediately. Yes, yes, yes. Erin, do you want to take a stab at it before I fully pierce it?

Oh my god, oh my god. Adal, I just stabbed that riddle. Oh my god, I think I killed it.

Oh, oh my god.

Adal, Adal, Adal.

Oh, Erin, that riddle was the mayor. Oh my god.

Oh, fuck, oh, fuck, oh, you have to have it behind the body. Here's what we do.

Here's what we do. We get a suitcase. We put, we stuff the body in the suitcase. We bury the suitcase in the forest.

How is a body going to fit in a suitcase? That's the smallest. Oh, it's a riddle. That's a hello kitty.

We're solving a riddle.

Fuck. Fuck. Okay. You know what? Fine.

I'll just take off. I'm not part of this.

No, no. JPC, please. No, no, no.

I was a part of this. I don't even know what's happening.

I'll just take off. JPC, please don't go. Okay, you guys. We all knew that one day, Hey Riddle Riddle would have to hide a body today. JPC, don't get on that train.

No, I'm going to Ian station. One ticket to Ian station.

Oh, you're very handsome.

Thank you. I'm J.P.C. in front of the podcast here at Riddle. Oh, you're a very handsome man.

Okay, J.P.C. is flirting with a mirror.

You're very handsome.

You're in crisis.

We're in crisis, J.P.C. I work out.

You know what? Let's just have Casey take the fall for it.

Take good care of my skin. Yeah, let's just blame Casey.

Casey, write thumbs up in the chat if you're cool taking the blame for killing the middle.

This dumb motherfucker, he couldn't talk himself out of a paper fucking riddle. I'm flattered, but I'm in a relationship, so it's a non-starter for me. Thank you so much, though. I consider it a compliment.

But you're talking to you, so why would you ask UL?

Non-starter, so you just ordered the entree?

Casey isn't writing anything in the chat.

225, yeah.

Oh, thumbs up. Casey's a murderer.

Casey'll take the...

I'm going to say that the food... I think that was probably a delay because Casey couldn't find the thumbs up emoji.

Yes. Yeah, that's very funny. Adal, I'm sorry, do you want to solve the puzzle?

Yes, so I think that if they're dropping food into this country to provide aid, I'm guessing a few people got crushed by the drops, like the crates they're dropping crushed some of the people.

Like a fish in my toilet, it was crushed by the drops. Adal, you are absolutely correct. They got crated.

We're back in the field with Jeff. Jeff! What's happening? What's dropping from the sky?

We're seeing a lot of crates dropping from the sky, Sarah. We're not sure what's inside of them, but we do know that they were supposed to have parachutes, but each one just has a bag of potatoes flying out of it, and people are being pelted to death by potatoes.

And Jeff, correct me if I'm wrong. Am I seeing a crate tornado forming behind you?

Okay, you told me to do so, so I'm going to correct you. You are seeing a great tornado behind you. Does that make sense? The syntax was a little bit off. Some of the grammar you use can sometimes be a little bit left of center.

And back to Peter with sports. Thank you Jeff.

Hey everybody, this is Peter with Sports. This is hard for me to talk about, but I had a sports-related aneurysm on the show two days ago. I screamed the word sports into the camera for six minutes and no one noticed. In fact, people laughed at me. I'm not a joke. I'm a man. I may be shaped like a hot tub with the color and complexion of the water of a hot tub, but I'm a man and I have feelings. And I just want to let everybody know how much that hurt me.

Ooh, let me get in this hot tub.

No, sir, I'm a man. It's a mistake that many people have made before. Thank you, Peter.

And now let's go to Daniel with traffic. Daniel?

Travis!

I fucking knew that was going to happen. I was like, if I do this, JVC's going to scream traffic. I feel like I manifested that. I love it here.

All right, do you guys want to do one more? I would love for you to do this one more.

Yes.

Yeah. OK, this one's called Chop Chop. Why was an ancient, rare, and healthy tree that stood well away from all buildings in the grounds of Cork University condemned to be cut down?

To make room for fuckin' condos, baby! 10, 10, and eyes took them apart in lamb.

Uh, no, it's not about condos.

Why did it have to be Cork University? Is that a clue?

Interesting.

Oh I think I know the answer. Was the tree doubling in size? No. That should be the answer. Um, welcome to Cork University. We're the breathiest college in our land.

I know.

A lot of post potatoes take this up. No, it's an ancient rare and healthy tree. Nothing wrong with the tree. It's ancient, rare, healthy.

Hold on, Erin. Erin, if I recorded myself for like an hour speaking nonsense with an Irish accent, would that help you fall asleep?

No, but I would underscore with beautiful Irish music. Just get the chieftains in here and that's gonna underscore it. JPC is the answer to, yeah, that thing.

No, it's gonna be difficult to get the answer to this. I can give you some clues, please. The tree was not hazardous, harmful, or threatening in any way. The problem does not involve animals, students, seeds, leaves, roots or branches. The problem... Yeah, they are. The problem, Animal House. The problem related to the tree's location.

So this tree... Samantha is an absolute blast in class, but she is a hamster, which is a problem. She's an animal.

So the bed... So somebody carved into the tree like Dean Sullivan sucks dicks and then that was right outside his window. And so the proximity to... Okay.

It's Dean Sullivan Hart's sucking dicks.

The tree did stand well away from all the buildings and the grounds. Time capsule. No, not a time capsule. Was it that if it fell, it would crush the buildings? No, it's well away from the buildings. It falling would not crush the buildings, no.

So it has to do with proximity. Was it next to a landmine?

Was it blocking something, the view of something?

Not the view, but yes it was blocking something, Erin. Was it inside Colin Farrell?

No, you think of the movie Phone Booth.

I always do that.

We quote that movie all the time because they kept a mistake in that movie where she goes, do what you tell me do instead of do what they tell you to do. She says, do what they tell you do.

I like that because people make mistakes when they talk. Doing that thing you stew.

What is it blocking?

The sun. It's the sun. It's blocking the sun and the kids need to tan on the quad.

Yes, Adal, that is correct, but not for the reason that you said. For a short time on sunny days, the shadow of the old tree covered an instrument used for recording sunshine. The instrument had been put in place on a cloudy day, good since prevailed, and the instrument was moved instead.

Wow, everyone that goes to that college is a sociopath, because you should never cut down a tree for the sun.

Everyone who goes to any college is a sociopath, because academia is a lie.

I really like that way of thinking, hmm, this mountain is in the way of my hike. Somebody move this mountain.

Well that is literally our thinking with, this mountain's in the way of our enjoyment of the coal that's inside of it. Blow this mountain up and poison the water. Well that's what I do, I'll be like... I love people.

I'll be like, this fox den is in the way of my target that will be here in two years.

Oh man, you'll love a Target when it's coming in two years. Speaking of Targets, we're all Targets for other content that we produce and enjoy. So we're going to go to our favorite segment of the show, and that's the segment where we plug some stuff. If we have stuff to plug in, sometimes it's okay to not. Erin, do you have anything that you would like to plug?

Are you implying that I'd rather not plug something? And Erin, I can't stress this enough, sometimes you don't have to.

Erin, if you want to plug the bath video of you singing the bath time song, you can plug it. People can go and find the video, just search Erin, bath time song, you'll find it.

Don't, you'll be disappointed nothing exists. But if we get 2,000 more patrons, I will make a bath time music video and it will be absolutely unwatchable and boring. Okay, so follow me, Erin Keif 10, for the bath time song. Or if you want to message me and say hello, it takes me about a month to get back to you because I do them all in one sitting. So yeah, Adal, anything to plug?

No, so I'm going to do it. You didn't plug social media as well. You can find me on Twitter and Instagram at Adalrifai, spelled how it sounds. And like Erin, you can reach out to me because guess what? I'm holding a contest to make three new friends because I need three new friends to hit my number. So for the year. So if you want to slide into my DMs and audition for me to be my friend, I am accepting three new friends. There will be callbacks and we'll get down to the final three.

Adal, can I ask you just off the top of your head, what is one quality that you really enjoy in a friend?

Someone who doesn't do a podcast with me.

Okay. And can I do a monologue from Grease?

Yes, but you have to make it sad. Oh, it'll be sad.

Did you see anything to plug? Sure, go follow me on Twitter at jpsofly. Also, you can give a listen to the Bill Buds pop cast, even if you don't like pop music. There's probably something in there for you to enjoy.

And JPC, what was the most recent album you guys did?

At time of this release, I believe it was Himes' Days Are Gone.

Oh, I love that one.

Yeah, and if you want to know how I feel about that album, you're going to have to listen to that episode.

No, just tell us now.

I liked it.

I liked it a lot. It was great. And finally, let's go to Erin with the intergalactic weather. Erin?

Thanks, Adal. I'm out here in space, about to die at any moment. It's very cold. And I'm here with a local planet, Jupiter. Hi, how are you this evening?

Bye forever!

Hey there trees and cards. If you liked that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. We return to the wild world of would you rathers. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog by going to patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle and signing up as the Clue Crew for $5 a month or the Review Crew for $8 a month. See you there.