Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Hey. Oh, then we're going to finish. It was the cabin of an airplane. He stabbed him with a knife and a knife.

And the horses came riding.

It's me, the ghost of JFK. What a wild election we had this yesterday. Wowie.

Actually JFK, sorry, we are recording this in advance, so technically we don't really know what happened.

What's that there? Someone's recording a podcast? With me, Teddy Kennedy.

Teddy Kennedy? Who's that?

A senator.

Theodore.

He was famously a senator for Massachusetts.

I was a senator for Massachusetts.

Are only the Kennedys coming?

Or do we have like a lot of- Did someone say ghost? It's me, brrrr, the ghost of Teddy Taft. President Teddy Taft. Oh!

I got stuck in a Boston bathtub. It's me, the ghost of John F Taft.

Oh hey, hey Erin, hey it's me the ghost of uh, ooh, the ghost of uh, Mark Wahlberg. Hey! Okay so, alright, this is- You're not even, you're not even, oh hey, you're not even upset I died? That's fucked. Yo, Erin that's fucked.

Erin, Erin it's me, the ghost of Nicholas Cage! Erin! I'm Cage's ghost! Erin, me? It's me, Doc. Teddy Doc? We gotta go back. Back to the podcast.

What a way for you guys to tell me that you don't know who any of the presidents were.

Hold on. Erin, it's me, your cousin.

You know that presidency? It's me, Teddy Mario. President of Teddy Mario?

Okay, so I've been recording a podcast with two boys who know John F. Kennedy was a president and that's the end of the list.

Hey, he's the only one who was Catholic and that's the only one on my list.

There was the president who liked to polka dance. There was James K. Polk, six shooter McGee. What was that guy? Harrison Ford. Old Sideburns, there was Tippecanoe and Tyler, too. Barack Obama. There was, um, Lyndon B. Shoppen. Um, who else? Is that from something? Lyndon B. Shoppen. Can I just say, Lyndon B. Shoppen. Who else? There was Jazz Man, Saxophone Boy. Who was Saxophone Boy? That was recent. There was a guy, Peanut Farmer Williams. That was an old, freaky dick.

Monkey Actor Man. There was, who else?

It's me, Monkey Actor Man.

That was fun.

Suffice to say, we're recording this on a Monday. Tomorrow night is election night. We don't know what's gonna happen. We know what we hope happens, but who knows the world we're living in right now? Or if there is a world, who knows if podcasts still exist on Wednesday?

I hope everyone still exists, and I hope that you're still listening to this podcast. Now, this is a podcast about Riddles, and if this is your first episode, I assume that you're scrolling through iTunes, you're like, something to take my mind off of things. You landed on this, you listened to three or four minutes, it did not make any sense. And now you're here! Yep.

Alright, but we're here to make you feel better. Yes. Alright? Well, this is a distraction. Starting now, we will never make Any reference to anything in our world.

I can't keep that promise. You don't have to, Ghost of Taft. We're here to make you feel better. Our hands are all covered in oil. Those shoulders look tense. I invented Laffy Tafti.

Oh my god. You sound like Rob Lowe when he played Kennedy. And everyone was like, oh, why?

I got stuck in a Taft tub.

So the world is fine and everything's great.

It's all going to be fine.

Follow me this way. I'm Old Man Puzzles. And I'm JPC.

We haven't done this part yet. Oh, and I'm Teddy Adal. And we're following Erin down this crickety staircase.

Wait, first I'm going to do a Willy Wonka type. Ooh, I'm very old. And then I do Summer Salt.

Ooh, her leg snapped in half.

Come with me and you'll be in a world of some puzzles and riddles. Dum de dum. Is she making this up? Here we go, there are riddles.

This must be her first tour of the riddle factory.

That's a real tour of the seasons of somersault into a fall.

So Adal and JPC, if you get the most riddles right and you don't stray too far, I'll give you this riddles factory.

Oh, can I convert it to do like something more useful than big riddles? I mean I love the factory, I love the location of the infrastructure, can I do textiles?

You're not pure of heart. Adal, what would you do with this riddle factory, please say riddles?

Well honestly I'm here to steal the secrets of the riddles to give over to this creepy guy who I met in an alley after he saw that I won a riddle ticket.

Alright, what about you Charlie? You with your grandfather. Oh me?

Grandpa, what do you say?

Oh Charlie, we gotta go back.

What about my other, hey grandma and grandpa still in bed, what do you think? Our feet are cold.

You didn't put the blanket back after you got out of the bed and now our feet are cold.

The way that we're laying the blanket only covers the middle part. Everyone's heads and feet are cold.

I was gonna say I did put the blanket back but there's fucking three people in a bed which is insane so maybe you should just... I'm not pointing fingers but two of them are fucking.

We'll never say which two. No.

We need to remake Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Charlie and the Fuck Factory. Charlie and the Chocolate Fucktery. That's what it is. Grandpa and the Chocolate Fucktery.

The three of us need to make Grandpa and Grandpa the Chocolate Fucktery. That's exactly what. Send us your money. Kids, send us a check. Kids, send us a check. That's our next move. If you want to send us a check, just go to patreon.com. Hey, Riddle.

Go to soopysales.com. Send us a check. Erin, what's on the docket for the first Riddle?

I'm doing listener submitted riddles because I love doing those. And Riddle books piss me off. My God. Don't eat anything from the chocolate river.

Don't. Butthole.

Don't. Hello again, it's me, Rome. So this is from Rome. We've done riddles from Rome before. And I normally wouldn't do riddles from someone this close together, but these riddles seem so fun and I'm dying to do them with you. I love the podcast, so on, so on, so on. I'll go ahead and give you what you want. Some puzzles to solve. I haven't tried these any friends so I have no gauge for the difficulty level, but here goes nothing.

Wait, they said they don't have any friends?

No, they just haven't tested these on their friends.

They're rich in friends, porn money.

I actually don't know what their financial status is. You know idioms saying... Oh yeah, guys, in your email, can you tell us what tax bracket you're in?

Oh yeah, anytime you send us an email to hrrpodcast at gmail.com, send us riddles. But also let us know if you give us permission to say your full name and also give us in brackets what you make per year in a salary sense.

I mean it's just, it's polite. It's common sense, it's polite.

It's common sense.

Tell us what income tax bracket you're in.

All right, I'm ready.

Ready.

And you asked about idioms?

You know idioms.

Sayings like... Don't want to be an American idiom.

Till the cows come home?

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

So Rome is going to give us two words. One word hints at the imagery or subject of the idiom.

Okay.

The other word sums up the actual meaning of the phrase. So this is going to be better if I give you an example. It's actually pretty simple.

Yes, please. Okay, cool.

So in the example, till the cows come home, the words would be bovine and longevity, since the idiom mentions cows and means something that lasts a long time. Make sense?

Yeah, famously cows can last forever in bed and they don't come for a while.

I'd like to see a scene. I'm lying, I would not like to see a scene. I just want to scare people.

I'm gonna milk, I'm gonna milk. What's the opposite of calling for a scene? Is it just preemptive? I would like to call for that scene to not happen. Here's the scene that I would never like to see. A cow in bed. What's seen backwards?

Alright, you are implying that milk is cow cum.

Yeah, milk is cow cum.

Don't do that.

And Sean drinks gallons of cow cum every day.

Yeah, he really does. It's the only, if it's not cow cum, but if it was, we would be putting chocolate and strawberry flavor into another animal's gum. Just saying. In turning it into ice cream. Just saying.

If milk plus cows come, would ice cream be that popular? Would people still be like,

Yes, because humans are fucking disgusting.

We all scream for cow cum.

It's really, at the end of the day, is that any weirder than killing an animal and eating it?

That is true. And again, I can't stress enough, if this is your first episode, we're so sorry. It doesn't get any better than this.

Can you tell that our manic chaos... I actually think...

I actually think that you could get the kind of like very, you know, reserved Western worlds to completely like change their worldview and how they view sex. If like you just suddenly you were like, yeah, milk is cow cum and it always has been. People would be like, well, I guess, I guess I have a lot of thinking to do about who I am and like what I like.

They just sit down on the couch and then lay down. Okay, Erin, give us some of these sweet, sweet American idioms.

Let's do this. All right. Here are the words. Answers will be on an attached document. The first one. Are you ready?

Yes. Been ready for hours.

Equine and patience.

Equine and patience. So this would be a quick horsing around. Next one please.

Horse lips sink ships. You have a word right now.

I got it, I got it, I got it.

Hold your horses. And JPC you take that literally because you do, anytime you see a real sexy horse, one you send it over some oats and they say this is from the gentleman at the end of the bar and then you hold it tight. I want to see a scene. Erin you're a horse, JPC you're on a date with a horse.

I think it's kind of strange that you took me on a carriage ride. It's sort of weird.

Oh, if it's an issue of who pays for it, I can go Dutch and I'm totally comfortable just affronting it as well.

My legs don't bend, so I can't sit in a chair easily and also my ex is one of the horses that is pulling this.

Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. This is awkward. I googled you. And a lot of results came in with your ex and who he was. So I figured this is like a good first date because we kind of will emasculate him and show him that like, you know, what a real horse looks like and, you know, how... Well, you're a man. You're a mitch for saying, uh, thank you so much. Uh, but no, I'm, I'm a, I'm a horse. Oh my God. You're talking about how I'm in a human body now. Okay.

Oh wow. I feel like I'm missing a big part of this story because you look like a pretty like short man.

In our, in our, in our, um, in our tender exchange, I tend to do like word vomit. Uh, so you may have missed it. So a witch spit on me a couple of weeks ago and turned, what's that?

Why Whitewood made her spin on you?

Excuse me horse, get away from my hut please!

I'll go in any hut I want! I've been in this hut, I've eaten notes in this hut! You can't do a thing to me! What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do?

Please stop!

Please! What? Stop pushing you? Stop pushing with my hooves? Ow! Stop it! What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? Yeah, so anyway, it was another witch after I had bullied that witch who just spit on the back of me. Anyway, turn me into a short man. It's kind of like because I was acting very short tempered and I'm like all bald and red faced because that's kind of like my inner personality. Anyway, that was two weeks ago. Done a lot of soul searching. I've kind of become a better person and hopefully if I meet my true love, which is why I got on Tinder. Horse Tinder, of course. Just so we're clear. You were not a horse on human Tinder. That would be insane.

I mean, I did that for a year and it was a great year.

I've been on human Tinder too. No judgment. But I knew that if I found a true love, I could come back into my horse body. I know it's early, I know the date has just begun. I would love if I could kiss you. May I kiss you?

No, um, you did bully that witch.

Sure.

And just sort of like right in front of my ex, like... Yeah. Like we were gonna have kids together, we had planned a whole life together.

Okay, cool. I missed it. Can I also be 100% honest?

You are absolutely just a human.

I'm a human, yeah, but I'm a human pervert.

Scene. Horse Tender is the most JPC creation I've ever heard in my life.

Are we ready?

Well, hold on. I just thought of a joke, which is that... How do you like you meet Horse Tender? That's it. Well, no. Horse Tender would of course be called Hinder, but I was going to say, I always hope that if I see two horses in love, I always hope they have a stable relationship. Okay, now I do another one. No, I'm all done.

There's more to be done.

I saw a single horse and he was really out there running around in the field. It was just good to see a horse sewing his wild oats.

Love is the glue that holds their relationship together. I just dropped my phone. That's what that sound was. OK. Damnation chaos.

Damnation chaos. So this would be hell freezes over, hell, hell, hath no fury, chaos. Hell is other people. Hell is crazy people. Here I am rocking me like a hell of a king.

Hell is other people, hell is crazy people, is for sure. The name of my third book would have really gone insane.

That's the motto for New York City. Okay, hell and chaos? Hell, wait, what do you know? Damnation and chaos.

It really is.

Damnation and chaos.

You have the word hell right?

So hell, and then chaos would be a flurry, a mess of- Random. Hell. Hell. Hell.

We're all going to- Come hell or high water?

Hell in a hand basket. Hell in a hand bucket.

Hand bucket! Hell in a Sand Bucket.

I'm going to put some spires over here and this is the moat of course so Jennifer you can grab some water for the moat.

I feel like you've decided that you're head architect on this project and it just feels like I did the blueprints.

No, it's fine. I'm happy to collaborate, but it's just your architecture had a lot of sharp edges and I'm more... I just feel like... No, no, no, I like it.

I just have more of like a Scandinavian style, like I like sort of like sleeves.

And I'm more influenced heavily by Frank Lloyd Wright, obviously. Obviously.

Uh-huh. It just feels like, and I like love your artistic vision and I think you're really great. I just think sometimes in the building of it structurally, like you almost killed our brother last summer when you buried him in the sand.

Fair. Fair. No, and Jennifer, that's valid. And I appreciate that. And I take ownership of that. That's on me. I take onus. But it feels like some of your creations feel a little like Tower of Crabble.

Wait, is there something in your bucket?

No, don't worry about it right now.

It feels like there's like a crab?

Oh, there's a voice that's been speaking to me.

What?

Look, you don't hear it? No? Put it up to your ear.

Oh, will I hear the ocean?

It's like a little song.

Alright, here we go. I'll put it up to my ear.

I'm stabbing Hitler. I'm drowning Stalin. I am the devil and I'm in my home and it's hell.

So anyway, I feel like a lot of the stuff you build tends to collapse due to structural, you know, it's not structurally sound.

Honestly, it's just physics though. So it looks like the point of my design is it looks like it's not structurally sound, but you're talking to me about physics. Hold on, there is a crab.

You're talking to me about physics.

There is a crab in this bucket that I think might be the devil. He is a top hat and a cane.

Oh yeah, he has a little top hat and a cane. Hello. What's your name, crab?

I feel like we were about to get a rhyming verse.

Come on. I love that you committed to that song before you had the lyrics and then you're like, start stabbing Hitler.

Confection Ease.

Confection Ease. Sweets. Have your cake and eat it too. It's easy like cake day baby. Two cakes don't make a good band.

You got it. You have the right word.

Cake? Easy cake. Easy bake oven.

Easy cake.

Piece of cake. Piece of cake.

Yeah, piece of cake.

Oh, that's easy cake, baby. You're on easy cake now.

I would like to see a scene. You work at a bakery and you design cakes as your job. And JPC, you're coming in and you want Adal to write something on a cake that you do not want to put this on a cake.

Oh and did you want to try our special as a rye bread? We also have some croissants and I also do pastries. We have long johns like a maple long john and you see the cake display in front of you.

I think I'm interested in doing one of the custom cakes.

Oh, okay. Custom cake. Yeah, absolutely. So it's going to be this cake right here, but it's pre-made, but then I can put whatever theme or wording on top.

Can you put something like, happy birthday on the cake?

Uh, no. I'm kidding. Absolutely.

That's our number one request. Could you put something like an apology on the cake? Like, I'm sorry on the cake?

Oh, yeah. I've never had that before. But yeah, absolutely. I can put whatever you need.

Could you put something like a happy anniversary on the cake?

Yeah, is this all is it gonna say happy birthday? I'm sorry. Happy anniversary.

Is that what you want? No, no, I'm just I'm just trying to understand I'm just trying to understand what kind of kicks that I could possibly yeah if one if a person

If a person was having an argument with a dog... What are you clutching in your hand there? This is, um, this is a ghost. If I'm holding it in my hand, it won't get out. If a person's having an argument with a dog about how many Harmonica Solos are in blues travelers, the hook... Yeah. And the dog thinks it's three. Hold on. And the dog thinks it's three. And the person knows. And the person knows that it's two. Can you put on the cake? Listen up dog. There are two harmonica solos and blues travelers to hook. And if you don't believe me, and if you don't stop slandering me, I'll put a ghost in your mouth.

Oh, let me, um, I have to call the head baker. Um, and, uh, her number is 91-1. Um, it's a quick dial. It's a, it's 91-1.

So let me just, uh, Hello, head baker.

Yep. It's me, Head Baker.

Oh. Click. Sorry. Wrong number. Let me call the Head Baker. Their number is 91-1. So let me press 9, then 1-1. Is this your shortcut?

91-1.

What is your emergency? Hello, Head Baker.

Oh yeah.

Okay.

What's up? Um, I have an issue here. Someone, uh... You know what?

I'm sorry, dude. I'm having a bad day. My husband forgot my birthday. And then on our anniversary gave me a cake that said happy birthday in quotes. I'm sorry, sarcastically. And then happy anniversary. So I'm just feeling a little bit on edge, a little overwhelmed.

I made that cake.

Yeah, I made that cake. Oh, well then fuck you.

Click. Hello? Hello? Hello?

On a cake, could I do a message to a dog about Blue's Traveler's The Runaround? Because the dog thinks that there are three Harmonica Solos in the Runaround, but I know it. That did not be true. I know that there are two.

Excuse me. I'm here to get a cake. I'm a dog. Oh no. Can you make a cake that says there are three harmonica solos? Don't make that cake. Oh my God. It's you. It's you. Happy birthday. Happy birthday, buddy. I love you so much.

Oh, finally, a blues traveler scene. Finally, we got it. We snuck it in there. Finally, we snuck it in. Clever girl.

Happy birthday. I'm sorry. Happy anniversary has got to be the funniest thing ever. I'm dying. That's so funny.

This cake is for three different people. I can't afford three separate cakes.

Can you space it out so that we can slice it away? Ammo endure.

Can I say real quick, I just want to say, JBC the voice you're doing, there's a, I forget the show, it's not Unsolved Mysteries, but there was a serial killer in the 70s who was named the weepy voice killer, and he would call people, like he would call his victims before he came through the house or something, and he would sound like he was about to cry, and so he'd call someone, and they'd play the tapes on the episode I watched, and they're like, it's him on a payphone, and he's like,

I did it again.

Oh, he'd call the police. I'm sorry. He'd commit a crime, then call the police, and he'd be like, I did it again.

I'm never going to go to heaven now.

And say something like that.

Ew, I fucking hate that guy.

But your voice is the exact, exact timber and pitch of the weepy voice killing.

Wait a minute. Hold on, hold on. They must have caught that guy ages ago.

He escaped Indianapolis. No, no, no, no, no, no.

He's at large.

Nice, more of a medium. First of all, if it is small, if anything I would be his son. Sorry, Erin, what was ammunition something?

Ammo and endure.

Endure like E-N-D-U-R-E or I-N-D-O-O-R.

E-N-D-U-R-E.

Is it kill two birds with one stone? No. Okay. And that's also something a British serial killer might do.

I'm the stone. You're the two birds.

I killed... I love. I killed two birds. Two women in their flats with one stone.

That's super dark.

With one stone, which is like, what, 22 pounds? It's like 16 pounds? 16 pounds? Who knows? Which is, of course, our currency. 16 pounds, the weight of a soul leaving a body. Riddle Riddle Toro. All right, Sean Finn. Ammunition endurance. Is bullet the word? Bullet. Number one with a bullet. Bullet, bite the bullet. Bite the bullet?

Yeah. Bite the bullet means to endure something. Oh, that's right. Oh, I see.

I see, okay. To bite the bullet. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. It's not each word what that word means. I was like, how does it bite these things? I mean endure, but I see, I see.

Yeah, it's what the phrase means. Mmm. Coin common.

Coin common. Pay that to me and his mianni. Save a penny, make a penny.

Nope.

Hey, take a penny, leave a penny.

Take a penny, leave a penny.

Take a penny, leave a penny, baby. Take a penny, little penny commercials, Sprite. JCPenney.

Yeah, this one is JCPenney. I love your style.

It's coin and what? Coin and what?

Common.

Coin and common. You are common.

You're just a cop.

You're as plain as a penny. Ooh.

You're a Nicholas Six.

Every penny has its day. See ya, penny. Pick it up. Fuck this penny. It is normal. Um, penny in common.

Uh, Erin, is it your nickel of six?

No. A dime a dozen? Is it your quarter of four? It's a dime a dozen.

I have more. Or a dozen!

A dime! We read the money!

You're a second to a dollar one hundred?

Yeah, that's the common phrase.

I want to see a quick scene. Erin, you are a coin collector. You're looking through some old, you found like at a garage sale box of old coins and you're looking for like a special coin a certain year or like made of a certain metal or just a special coin and you come across JPC who happens to be fairly normal and you're just letting him know that he's not special.

Wait, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm the coin. I'm the coin. Gotcha. Gotcha. Gotcha.

Hey there pretty lady, wanna take me home? Do I wanna take you home?

Yeah, I'm the best coin of the bunch. Best coin of the bunch, you're not gonna find a better coin. I can be good to you. Take me home pretty lady.

You're...hold on. Okay, you're a Nevada coin from 2018 and you want me to take you home.

I'm one of those Nevada quarters, okay? I'm an official state quarter from 2018.

Is this gum on you? Oh God, what is this? Sure.

Gum. That's what that is. Don't worry about it. Put me in your pocket. Take me home.

Hey, I'll be able to call you. I wouldn't even use you to pay for something.

Why would you? I'm practically useless as currency. I'm a collector's item. I've been everywhere, man. What? I've been everywhere, man. You ever been to the U.S. Mint?

I've been there. I toured it once. Why do you think I got so passionate about collecting coins? I've been there. That's something we have in common. Would you even fit in like a vending machine? No!

No, no, no. I'm altered. I'm altered.

There's multiple layers of disgusting things. How many disgusting people's pockets?

Pockets? Not many. Mouths? Stomachs? Butts? A lot. I'm a coin you've seen some things. You ever heard of Magic School Bus? It's basically my life story.

Come on. Which part of Magic School Bus? You've been inside someone's body?

Oh yeah. Many many times over. Many many times over. One person twice. Come on, take me home. I got stories to tell. I got stories to tell.

I have a story to tell you. One time, a girl named Erin Keif accidentally poured a Dunkin' Donuts iced coffee inside of her purse. And she was too sad and depressed to clean out her purse. And then more crumbs and dust got happened in it. And then she looked at the coins at the bottom and she didn't even realize they were coins at first because they were sticky from the iced coffee and they were covered in gunk.

You... Erin? You did it again.

What?

You're treating this podcast as therapy.

Oh, I'm sorry. The world is on fire. Go back into the scene. Go back into the scene. I guess it really started when I was a kid.

I'm good. I'm good. Put me back. Erin, scene? Is that okay? Scene?

No, no. Hold on. Okay, go ahead. Yeah. Well, to give you a little backstory, this is what I'm looking for. I'm looking for a 1970 Rhode Island hoarder, and I'm also looking for I'm a coin!

And we're back and Erin has just completed her therapy session. Erin, how do you feel?

And that's why I'm afraid of getting caught in a fish tank. I feel fine.

Because you watched the movie Venom?

I've never seen that movie.

When Venom gets caught in that fish tank, I lose my whole shit. I was screaming in the theater.

Other comic book movies are afraid to go where Venom went. I'll say it. I'll say it. Erin, what else do we have on today's episode?

Well, we are only halfway through Rome's puzzles. So the next one is Fracture Luck.

And it's Chekhov's fish tank too because you see the fish tank in the first act and you know it's got to be used. Venom's falling in that!

How many Harmonica Solos are in Venom? Too many?

Uh, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine. It's like Dark Toby McGuire and he just grabs a harmonica and just jams on it for a couple of minutes.

Well there's a scene where there's like a chase scene and Venom accidentally goes into a House of Blues and Bruce Willis is playing, so that's, that's, there's like ten right there.

He says, Hudson Hawk, toss me a guitar. I've not seen it, but I never saw it. Erin, what's that?

I hate it here. Only on this bullshit show will people talk ad nauseam about a fucking movie they've never seen.

Fuck this place.

Unbelievable. I miss women. Where are the women? Okay. Fracture luck.

Fracture luck. Break a leg.

Yeah.

Break a leg, you old savings and alone.

Um, climate illness.

I want to see a scene. Um, Erin and JPC, you are two high schoolers in a high school play, but very well-known play. And, um, one of you at some point, uh, literally breaks your leg.

Now, now Boo Radley, come out of that tree.

That's your daughter? My daughter's playing Gazette, the sickly prostitute. We're so proud.

There's no reason to be in that tree there, Boo Radley. Come on out of there.

You must think me mad. I've hunted you across the years. A man like you can never change. A man such as you.

I gotta say, what I heard the high schoolers doing to kill him is a rub. I didn't think it would work, but this is actually It's kind of bad. It's awful.

It's awful. It seems like it's all kind of out of order.

It seems very out of order. Well, oh, here comes the big dance scene. Let's hope everything goes okay.

Pass! We'll do a pass on this scene. Oh, thank God. Thank God they passed on that scene. That would have been awful to watch.

Do you hear the mocking bird sing, singing the song before it's killed?

Scout is a kid in the movie and she will be Scout again.

She's wearing overalls and she likes to play outside.

And that poor athlete is in his tree and someone died.

Oh my god. From now on, anytime you do a musical, you should allow to yell pass in the one number that is not very good.

I do love to kill him as a rock.

Okay, the reason why we started laughing is because JPC opened his mouth to initiate. The sound was about to move past his vocal cords and I started singing because I'm a jerk.

It is in that moment that I decided that we were in To Kill a Mockingbird and I was like no matter what she says we're at To Kill a Mockingbird.

Which is something you do at least four times a show is we'll start a scene and you're like nope we're in a To Kill a Mockingbird and you'll make subtle hints and references you'll talk about giant big jams.

You guys I can't stress this enough I've seen Adal and JPC yes and So quickly and more professionally and funny than like anyone, they are so good at it and because they're so good at it, that's why they refuse to do it.

I won't do it. I won't do it. If you're good at something, if you're good at something, never do it for free. If you want to see me do it well, patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle. This is the free show.

We only do bad stuff here. It's like when Michael Jordan quit to play baseball. That's what we are. We're at the top of our game, we're done. Let's go to Birmingham.

It's like in the middle of a Michael Jordan basketball game when he would belittle into me the other team.

In five seconds, both of you are about to go, I actually never saw Michael Jordan play basketball. That's about to happen in five seconds. Climate illness.

So this is Love in a Time of Cholera, the famous catchphrase. Climate illness. Sick as a wet dog. Ooh. Climate. So heat. As hot as a sickly dog. Hey you hot sick fuck. Hey, you hot, sick fuck. Yeah, that's my pickup line. Hey, hot, sick fuck. Climate weather. Weather? What is what your whistle? Climate weather. Weather illness. Weather illness. Weather. Under the weather.

Yay!

Weather kiss illness. Oh, very good. Very good.

Alright, the next one is medication calm.

Medication con. Calm.

C-A-L-M, I'm sorry.

Oh, calm. Calm.

Calm.

Calm. So, Erin, do you say if Sean's acting crazy, do you tell him to calm down?

I call him calm coil.

So do you think it's calm air?

Calm.

Calm. Calm. Do you think, do you think, do you think, do you think Cole Mamini isn't calm there? He is.

Saying the word calm feels a lot like throwing up. Calm.

Calm. Do you think that Sean Calmery just died?

Oh that was sad, huh?

When you go to Los Angeles you say, look at all these calm trees.

Yeah, I say look at all these calm trees.

I say about Sean Connery's death what I say whenever my dad goes jogging. He had a good run. What was the two words?

Well, I say about Sean Connery's death, I absolutely believe in reincarnation and you're the man now, dog. That's him coming back as a dog.

Erin, do you know what time Sean Connery went to take his racket and whack a ball back and forth? Around 10ish.

Okay, that's fun. That's about as much fun as you can have as an American right now. That's our limit.

That's as much fun as you can have without breaking a sweat baby.

The reason we're laughing so much, the reason we're being so goofy and fucking wonky is because we're living in a pre-election world. We're living in a Monday, and you fools are walking around in a Wednesday in a daze.

We're acting so wonky because this is Willy Wonky in the Riddle Factory. I'm sorry for a little gallows humor. Okay, please, I have more.

Okay, yes, yes ma'am.

Medication calm.

So medication, so this would be a spoonful of sugar?

No.

This would be... Oh, I got it, I know it. Yes, yes, let's take a chill pill.

Yay! I dare you to say that to someone in your life the next time they are freaking out and having a reasonable emotional reaction to something.

A reasonable emotional reaction, you would never do that. You would only tell someone to take a chill pill if they were blowing up at something. Like someone yelling at a waiter, you'd be like, whoa, take a chill pill.

Well, you're normal and a good person.

Has anyone told you to take a chill pill?

Yeah. In times when you're acting reasonably, when you're the waiter being like, please don't yell at me, and the guy yelling at you is like, whoa, take a chill pill.

I feel like this harkens back to like the sixties when prescription drugs were just like they just give you whatever like they'd give you basically cocaine in a pill and people would like women would get pills for like fainting or something like right I feel like chill pills probably was probably like oxycontin and they probably gave it out 80 pills at a time and if someone was being was being emotional they'd be like take a chill pill and they give them you know whatever that's what they used to call lobotomies chill pills

I know in the most, in the most heated argument that I've ever been in my entire life, we both mutually agreed that we would step back, we would take a chill pill, it turned out we took MDMA, we had one of the craziest next four hours, mid-argument, take a mid-argument break. You took a Molly pill. Did Molly, tripped, you know, Sandstone, da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da I was and after I took the chill pill I realized that and we got a long grade. Now me and my dad are fine.

There are too many harmonica solos in the rude sandstorm.

I would love to see like two MMA fighters fighting and like halfway through the fight someone's like take a chill pill.

Oh, so it would be like an MDMA, MMA?

I would love to see someone in a fight like that and one person just goes, stop! Stop! God, no!

I'm having a poop!

Conor McGregor just yells, I'm telling mom!

Footwear, shock.

Footwear, oh, Footwear Shock. High heel price tags, am I right ladies? Uh, sneaker surprise. Footwear Shock. Lightning, Lightning on the, Diamonds on the soles of her lightning. Shoe? Is it Shoe? Gumshoe.

Nice try Gumshoe. Carmen Sandiego is in Santa Marina.

Deep it up Harmonica Solo. Erin, is any of this stuff right?

We're giving you gold.

I'm gonna let you guys tie yourself out, so I get a good nap out of both of you. Joke's on you.

We never tie her. Um, shoe wear, shock. Shock.

Shock. Shock. This is actually one of my favorite.

Jolt? Bolt. Jolt.

Phrases.

Ever. Sans... Sandal Surprise? Kick rocks. Hit the bricks. My name is Kick. Kick rocks.

I'll give you a hint.

Okay.

Okay. On the window if you want me. Twice on the pipe. Erin, we're not hitting on you.

What?

I guess you don't know that song.

Knock? Knock? How is that footwear? Knock? Footwear and shock? Don't knock my shoes. Thanks for watching!

Okay, okay, okay, okay. I want to see a scene, I want to see a scene, I want to see a scene. Adal, Erin, you are both deities. Let's call you, we'll make you Olympian gods because I've been playing Hades non-stop. Can I be an Olympian biscuit? Oh boy. You can be Olympia Dukakas, so that's all you get. You're moonlighting. You're both Olympian gods, you're looking down at the mortals, and you're describing like the very, the such cute things that they're doing. Oh, they're so cute.

Oh my god. Oh my god. Look at this. Look. Look, they're buying each other jewelry when they like each other.

Oh, they think shiny objects are worth something.

They like to decorate the people they love, like the people they love are Christmas trees.

Oh, that is adorable. That is adorable. Oh look, look, they've domesticated one of the wild beasts, and they put their hand on its head, and that makes them feel good about themselves. The creature hates it, but the human feels good about themselves.

They're so cute. Oh my god, they're singing. They sing to each other on the day that they were born. This is so cute.

Oh, that is fun. Oh geez, here it comes.

Here it comes. Ha, Haedys.

Haedys. Haedys, get out of here.

Haedys.

And soon you'll be mine.

Haedys, I don't know why we're scared of you. You're a crab with a top hat and a cane.

I'm stabbing Hitler even though who? He ain't been born. I'll be here all night.

I'll be here all night.

You want to hit him with a lightning bolt, please.

Haedys, Haedys. All right, come here, come here.

You hit him with a lightning bolt? It just makes me horny. That, that, that.

Hey Riddle, Riddle over here. Lightning Makes Me Horny. That should be a t-shirt. Lightning Makes Me Horny.

I think that's a logline for Cars 2. I've never seen Cars. There's a character named Lightning McQueen. That's all the context you need to get the joke.

Alright, last one. Futility? Waterfowl. Utility? Waterfowl.

Utility.

Okay.

Comet? Comet Swan.

Yeah, it's comment swam. Good night everybody.

You killed a waterfowl?

Fucked like a duck.

Which means I didn't get wet because of the way my feathers are.

You fucked me like a duck.

It was the worst lay I had in my entire life. You have a corkscrew penis, sir.

I fucked like a duck. There's a lot happening below the surface and nothing happening up top.

It's like milk off a duck's back. Utility, is that what you said?

Futility.

Futility. Futility. Waterfowl. Swan. Swan Song. Swan. Ron Swan Song. Uh, what are some waterfowls? So we have swans, we have ducks.

This isn't to set up to do swan lumps, is it? No. Okay, thank God. We have party fowls. Contractually will not do that. Erin is duck- Right.

Contractually.

I am contractually obligated.

I am contractually obligated. I built this thing up closely though.

I'm an inventor, yeah. Erin, is duck the correct word part of it? No. Is swan?

Goose. Uh-huh.

What's good for the goose? What's good for the water bill?

What's good for the goose? I have a question for you guys. This is actually a question that Mariah asked me the other day. Would you say that you're more loosey or more goosey? Like where do you land on the loosey goosey spectrum?

I'm more goosey because I get uptight in terms of like, I don't like to, I don't like, I have very specific things I like and don't like.

I'm more loosey because I'm constantly tricking men who have very little hair with a football. To kick a football? Yeah.

Yeah, I think I'm more goosey and it's like a real reason, like Adal said, because I'm way more uptight and stringent and so Erin's the only one that did a joke answer for that.

And you also came to see- Yeah, I'm the one making too many jokes on this podcast. Fuck all y'all. Oh, I hit my wall today, motherfuckers. Oh, you want to hear a lady go crazy? Put her on a riddle podcast for 120 fucking episodes. Put her in a closet that's 150 degrees.

Have her sweating. We're all out of breaks.

Goddamn moisturizer. Oh yeah, have her do riddles.

I guess we should just listen.

Have her do improv with boys who are so good at yes and but they get on a riddle podcast and they do no but. They talk about buts.

First of all, I would never say Adal has no butt. That guy's... It's Junkala Trunk. It's Badunkadunk season whenever he walks into a room.

They call me... My high school nickname was Badunki-Con. Oh, Erin's wearing... Erin's wearing lingerie and a trash bag. Erin's acting like she knows the results of the election. Donkey Donnie. I finally went insane. Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie. You broke me. Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie Doopie. She's stapling hot dogs to her neck. I can fix this.

Hold on. And seed. Oh, I'm just getting started motherfucker. Pass.

I need a glass of water and a blanket.

I think that's what the podcast is now.

Well, honestly I was looking at taking an episode and cutting a trailer out of it. It just like maybe like two minutes of like what we do best and that might be it. That might be our new trailer.

No, no, no, no, no.

We should send that to prospective guests and be like, would you like to do it? It's just like an improv Riddle podcast and then just send them back.

Guys, I'm begging you, no one take that out of context.

Erin, the next time you audition for something, will you do what you just did as a monologue?

Oh yeah, a hundred percent. It'll be for like a Folgers commercial, and it'll just be that.

The best part of dooty dooty, donkey losing my mind.

Six months from now, someone is going to send us one of those like, what are those called, those animatics, those digital animations of just that two minutes of the show.

Oh yeah, the animatics. That's Wacko, Yacko, and Dot.

That one was Wild Goose Chase. And now, thank you so much for all of them.

Those were amazing. Wild Goose Chase.

Um, okay.

Can I ask a dumb question?

Yeah.

Aren't all geese wild? So shouldn't it just be... This is this Harkensburg?

I had a professor in college that was a goose, so no.

Sorry? I'm sorry? Excuse me?

I had a math professor in college that was a goose and he'd waddle in and sort of fly to the top and hit a little piece of chalk in his mouth and he would like write the equations on the board and if we got it right he'd honk.

Okay, I need to see a scene. JPC, you are Professor Goose. Erin and I are your students and this is the first day of class.

Whoa, whoa! Shoo! Shoo! Get out of here! Shoo! No, no, no, no!

Everyone take your seats. Take your seats. My name is Professor... Oh, let me shut the door for you. Thank you. No, no, no hands. My name is Professor Goose and welcome to Math, class, geometry. Math, class, colon, geometry. Oh, I see we have a question already. Yes, a young lady.

Yes, I'm sorry. And I don't know if this is offensive. Is it common for geese gooses to have goose as their last name?

No, it's not offensive. Thank you for asking that question. My name is Mr. Goose because geese don't get to pick their own names. They're named by humans. And so, oh my god. What? I look like a goose.

Oh, were you spit on by a witch?

Oh, brother. It was one of the biggest loogies that's ever hit me in my life. Yes. So here's the thing. I'm a man. I'm a human man. I was up in a witch's business. I was yelling at her. I was tearing her hair. I was giving her the business. I was really yelling at this witch. You know, just because I'm a bad guy and everything like that. Anyway, another witch comes up, spits on the back of my neck. Boom. Turns me into a goose. She said, basically, you want to honk honk honk? Okay, we have another question from the lady in the front. A lot of questions out of you.

That's good. You're going to like math. Are you really actually a goose, but you're also just a pervert?

Well, I don't know. Would you consider it a perversion? Because I think I'm normal for a goose.

I got his phone. Oh look, he's got gander.

Oh boy, it's gander. It's, uh, yeah, it's Gander and I'm looking to do a little mountain, if you know what I'm saying. Is Gander Mountain a chain that people are familiar with? Can't say what it is. You don't know it? Oh man, people from Indiana are going crazy right now.

For unrelated reasons. Pass.

Scene. Scene. Pass. Scene. Scene, pass.

Um, do we have time to do one more?

Yes, Erin, we have plenty of time to do one more.

Alright, this is from Keith. Hey Clue Crew, love the show, thanks for being awesome.

Hey Keith, thank you for being awesome. Thank you for the Rolling Stones.

This is Keith Richards. This is Keith R, actually, which is funny.

Whoa, Denise Richards' dad.

So, the first riddle they sent is from an episode of Star Trek, and the second riddle they sent, they made up. Just for some context.

Okay, if I haven't seen the episode yet, will this be a spoiler for it?

It will be a spoiler and it will also absolutely not make sense out of context from the episode. So I hope everyone's seen this one episode of Star Trek Voyager.

Thank God. I probably have. Erin, we get to choose which one we want. I'll just take the first one, it's fine.

No, you can't separate twins at all. A man, unless it's for a parent trap. Can you believe that they separated those two girls and just were not going to tell them each other? Is that the premise?

Yeah, of course. Yeah, that is the premise.

One twin goes to England, one twin goes to Northern California, which is like a sick deal.

So the doctors separated them or the parents did? The parents did. The parents made the conscious decision to separate those kids. Did you guys see Three Identical Strangers?

No.

Oh, the documentary? I think it's on like Hulu right now. I just watched it last night. I saw it in theaters. It is so fucking good. It's wild. Ooh, I'm gonna watch that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You gotta watch it. I won't tell you anything about it, but you should watch it. You should definitely watch it. It's streaming somewhere because we just watched it yesterday.

Actually, I'm so sorry to do this. Erin, you haven't seen it? I haven't seen it either. I'm still going to watch it, but I do have something spoiled. And anytime I have something spoiled, I want to ruin it for other people.

So Erin, I'm going to let you know. It's the same guy. It's the same guy.

He was just racing near mirrors. Erin, I truly thought you were going to say Dunkachito.

Don Caccino. I was gonna go insane.

Nobody can see this, but Erin just did the pan's labyrinth thing where she put her hands over her eyes. It was terrifying.

She did the Payne's Labyrinth thing where she has eyeballs on her heads.

This was a social experiment that didn't work, turns out. Okay, I do love this being on the show. It is a highlight of my week to record these. I am going crazy, but for unrelated reasons. Okay. A man is stranded on a desert island. All he has managed to salvage from his shipwreck is a calendar. There is no food of any kind on the island, yet the man manages to survive for a full year until he's rescued. How?

The calendar's Marie calendar. It's pies.

He eats the pies on Marie calendar.

No.

Come on, give it to me.

God, can you imagine just the image of a guy alone on an island eating pie?

It's not a calendar, it's a calzone-dinder. He eats the calzones in the calendar.

Adal, that was very clever, but no.

Thank you. I know how he survives.

How?

August, he just does.

I know how Harry survives, Erin. I know how Harry survives. I know how Harry survives.

How?

He didn't. You lied about it.

I'm gonna march right out of here if you guys don't take this seriously.

He survived off of Flanuary. May I survive?

What else? He killed a deer and cooked it over the September's of the fire.

Or November's.

Or October December's.

Because if you don't eat, June gonna die.

June gonna die!

February. May I go?

March on out of here. Okay, Erin, does it have to do with a month?

Not a month.

Is it a pun month? Is it a day? He was firsty. He was firsty. I know it. And then he had seconds. He was firsty, then he had seconds. And that lasted him all month. He was weak. Hold on. He didn't even, so he was weak.

And then one day, he had a month for... Adal, I promise you, it's like monkeys in a room right in Shakespeare. If we let Adal do this long enough where he just dreams of conscience, he will get this. He will win on this answer.

Yeah, keep going, Adal.

What's the closest bullshit I have?

I'm locked in. I know it. So I'm locked in. Oh, you have it? Oh, I got it, baby. Okay, let's hear it.

No, let Adal talk a little bit.

Yeah, you can talk it. No, no, no.

I was being Lucy, now I'm back to being you.

Fuck you.

I finally gave you the floor, and all of a sudden... Well, it seems like Adal has found that the floor is actually lava. Erin, was that one of them? The floor is lava?

I look like a Tim Burton character right now. I didn't at the beginning of this recording.

I know the answer. I know the answer. He ate, what's 12 times four? Let's see here, quick math. 142.

He ate all the dates and Sundays.

Yeah, he ate all the dates.

I was literally about to say he ate 142 Sundays.

He ate all of the dates, but at the end of the time, he was 52 weeks to be able to leave the island.

Perfect. Well, you guys had a lot of very funny answers, but not the correct one.

Erin, I hear the content that you're saying, but the tone of voice suggests it wasn't funny.

No, it is funny.

I look like someone... Even as they're saying now, the tone is that what it was isn't funny.

I look like if a girl was an ensemble member in a high school production of Sweeney Todd right now. That's sort of my vibe and my look. That's how crazy I've gone.

You mean Mockingbird Todd?

Yes, exactly. Alright, if you're cool, you can give it or not. If you're hot, you can do it a lot. Too naughty for many, but still, it's used aplenty if it comes before boy. He's a thought.

I know it. It's a fuck. You can give plenty a fox. If you're hot, you can get a ton of it, a fox. What was the rest of it?

You got it.

What did the fuck say?

What does the fuck say? Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Wait, was that real? Yes, fucks. Holy shit.

Yeah, you got it. Wow. Thank you, Keith. Thank you, Keith. Keith, you're amazing. Keith. You're amazing. You're amazing.

Just the way you, Keith. Keith on, keepin' on.

Hey, and Keith, say hi to your daughter Dr. Christmas Jones for us. Wow, thanks. Denise Richards' bond character. Do you know that Denise Richards is on Real Housewives now? She's one of the Real Housewives. Yeah, she's been on it for a few years, I think, which is wild.

I catch it in bits and glimpses. That's wild. Is she the one that killed somebody? No, that's Rebecca Gayhart. I think Rebecca Gayhart killed someone. Wow. Look it up. In case this is wrong. Hey, you Google it. Look it up. Noxema.

How's everyone doing?

What's that?

Let's do a quick sanity check-in.

Erin, can I say something? How are you doing? I think you brought up the sanity check to gauge your own sanity.

How are you? Good. I'm glad I got to have that four-hour therapy session during our break. That definitely helped, but it definitely cracked me open.

Well, it also helped us because now we can chop that up into four Patreon episodes. Patreon episodes, yeah.

Absolutely. JPC, how are you doing?

I think it would be interested in doing a therapy episode and then releasing that as a Patreon. Do you think I could get like a therapist? I'm sure I could find a therapist that would sign off. There's a therapist on Real Housewives sometimes. I don't know what season of what show I've seen a therapist. And I'm like, why is this therapist agreeing to have this session filmed for the Real Housewives? That seems illogical, but I would do it. I would do it for Patreon.

I would never do a therapy session on Patreon, but I would have a therapist on just to talk to a therapist to ask a question.

Here's my rule of thumb. Anything Metallica has done, I would do.

I think it would be interesting to watch me do a therapy session with a therapist because I think it would help like demystify therapy because one of the things that makes therapy so scary for people is that they've like, they don't do it. You can't experience it because it is so private. So just putting like a general therapy session out there into the world, then people would be like, Oh, that's all therapy is. It's just talking about the way that I feel about things, coping mechanisms.

And you should take therapy seriously and it's amazing and it can change your life, but also I've fully just decided that for a Patreon episode I'm going to do a therapy session with JP Riddles.

But also, if everything is content, right? So it all should be taken seriously and honored, but also if you can make a fucking buck out of it. Squeeze and then your fingers be like, ooh I like that money, I like that money.

Adal, how are you doing? I'm doing okay. I'm just mostly concerned about Erin. Erin, are you okay?

I'm great.

Okay.

I'm fine. Given the circumstances of the world, I'm totally good. Okay. Okay. Okay, great. But if anybody, I know that this is a really intense week, and if you need to message me on Instagram to vent, I totally understand, or yeah, let me know how we can be better allies and help you and help you feel safe and all that.

I read an interesting book about how we should stop using the word ally and start using the word comrade, but we don't need to socialize you guys on the podcast too much, but I've been hearing the word ally used and thrown around so much that And I think that the reason Comrade is more useful is it's not just like, hey, I'm here not experiencing that to support you. It's like, yes, I am the person who's in it with you and experiencing it with you, which is the essence of the crux of it.

I love that because it feels less on the outside looking in.

I think, uh, how to phrase this. I feel like that's cool that you said that, but I'm not going to refer to my favorite Breakfast Club actress as Comrade Sheedy, if that makes sense? So I'm not into it. I'm sorry.

I respect your opinion. It's my opinion and that's all that matters. Adal, do you have something that you would like to plug?

Check out our podcast I do called Hello from the Magic Tavern. We also have some bonus content on Stitcher Premium. All kinds of fun stuff coming that way. And also I just started today, I started the show based on Rob White's suggestion, my friend Rob White. Not the listener whose name is Rob White, who sometimes gets confused. Lil Bobby White from Pittsburgh. I started watching Ted Lasso, which I saw commercials for. It's like an Apple TV original, and I was like, hard pass. It's Jason Sudeikis coaching a soccer club in England. And I was like, no thanks, this looks awful. I started watching it based on his recommendation, and it is fantastic. So if you have Apple TV, watch Ted Lasso, it is full of heart and humor and it's just really well done and I'm very excited to watch the last three episodes tonight.

I will plug something that I've been watching that I just kind of found on HBO Max that I think I had heard about but surprised me so much and it's so funny and heartwarming and kind of sad and very weird. It's an adult swim show called Joe Parra Talks to You. Ten minute episodes. There's a bunch of Chicago people in it which is fun to see. They just kind of pop up. It is so good. I've been really enjoying it. And then also you can go read Comrade, an essay on political belonging by Jody Dean. That's a fun read. It's quick too.

Where did you get it? Did you download it?

You can get an e-book on Verso Books, V-E-R-S-O Books. And I think when I got it, it was on sale or something, but maybe it's not anymore. I don't know. But I just got the digital version of it on my brother's recommendation. So thanks, Jesse. You'll listen to this in seven months. So thank you. He's very behind. Thank you for that recommendation. Erin, anything that you would like to plug?

Just to have, I don't know. I hope everyone's okay. Let me know if there's anything I can do. I'm here for everybody in any way that I can.

Erin, another place that you are often for, I wouldn't say any body, because it's not necessarily bodies, unless you kind of planter bodies, have the heavenly bodies as we would say, and I'm not talking about my own physique, although I have been working out in quarantine, so no one can say it is kind of a heavenly body. That you often go to, Erin, and that place is... Dunkin' Donuts! Dunkin' Cheeto! Boston Forever!

Jupiter.

No, I like the new ending. I like the new ending a lot. Dunkin' Donuts, Dunkin' Cheeto, Boston Forever.

That was a Headgum podcast.