Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Ah, boy. This sucks. I just got a new house, but I found out some terrible news, y'all. I'm stressed. No, Adal, what's going on? Our house is haunted. The basement especially. The bodies aren't even buried. They're just laying in the basement.

Yeah, I've heard about that. Well Adal, is it kind of stressing you out, affecting your sleep? Can you not really calm down? Do you have a lot of anxiety, pain, sleeplessness, that kind of thing? Yeah, all those things.

Oh, you know what? This might not be helpful and totally off topic, but have you ever tried feels?

Yeah, I have.

Discovery process. It's a hassle-free membership. If you aren't satisfied to get your money back, it's just super easy to use.

Oh my gosh, it's all coming back to me. Yes, my name is Adal and I used to take feels, but these dead bodies have haunted my brain.

Adal, it's not for you, okay? You're thinking of something different. Feels is easy to take. You place a few drops under your tongue and you feel the difference within minutes.

Yeah, Feels is the one that ships directly to your doorstep in only a few days. It's natural, healthy, better. And look, I have a little vial of it right here. I love it.

I'll give you $800 for it.

No, no, Adal. It's not $800. It's a membership. You join the Feels community. You get it delivered. You save money on every order. It's Feels. You can pause or cancel at any time, Adal. Okay, Erin, you know what? He's just going to have to try it for himself.

That's true. Get the ghosts out of his brain, apparently. An excuse he uses twice a week.

Feels. It gets rid of your ghost brains. Can we say that? No, no, no, no. Here, let's put it this way. Feels has us feeling our best every day and it can help you too, Adal. To become a member today, all you gotta do is go to feels.com slash riddle and get 50% off your first order with free shipping. That's F-E-A-L-S dot com slash riddle to become a member and get 50% taken automatically off your first order and free shipping, feels.com slash riddle.

I literally have some at my desk. Podcasts aren't visual, unfortunately, so you can't see it, but I have it at my desk and I genuinely use it and I really like it. It helps me fall asleep.

Fields. No more brain ghosts. Adal. Adal. That's my name. Yes, I remember now.

The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice.

Hey.

Oh, the fish. It was the cat in an airplane. He stabbed him with an icicle.

Uh, Chicago, ready for check. Riddles.

Riddles.

Chicago Riddles.

Sorry, we were... Sorry, Chicago here. This is Tower.

Tower, we're gonna do a quick check.

Riddles. Riddles clear.

Puzzles. Oh, this is, yes, I'm sorry.

Tower. Tower. Puzzles. Okay, just put the pasta in the sink and then we'll just, we'll clean it.

Hey, Tower, is now a good time? Because we're about to blast off.

No, no, this is great. This is such a good time.

This is great. We were not having any sort of reconciliation dinner. This is the perfect timing.

Oh, I feel like the sauce is going to burn to the bottom of the thing.

Let me, let me.

Just keep stirring.

Just keep stirring. Let me turn off the boosters here for a second. Hey, parents, stop giving us money for your high school sports. All right, boosters are turned off. All right. That's not going to stop.

Yeah, that will not stop the boosters.

Uh, intro. Are we ready for intro? Does it need more oregano?

Tower, are we ready for intro? You know what? This just feels like how it used to feel, huh? Doesn't it?

You know what? Let's call the whole thing sauce.

Oh my God. Let's call the whole thing sauce. I know.

I remember why I fell in love with you. This is hey Riddle Riddle. I'm Displease. I'm Dis-JPCs.

And I'm a Disjockey.

I, Dis-Mitty, holds up ten fingers, multiplies it by three, adds one more finger. That's the middle finger to the law.

Where'd you find that finger?

Where'd you get that?

Where'd you get that finger? And we're going to do a little podcast where we solve puzzies and riddies and do improvise scenes all along the way. Who's our, who's our host today? It's Erin Keif, I believe.

It is. What's up, guys?

Classic, classic. And let's get a quick. Check in.

JPC, what's going on in your neck of the woods? I cannot wait to talk about what's going on in my neck of the birds. I sent you and Erin both a picture of this, which I will not post publicly. Did you forget Erin's name for a second? I was looking at Erin when I said I sent you, and then I realized that when I said you on the Zoom, you couldn't tell who I was, you. And then I pivoted because you were the last one talking.

OK, so what I saw was you said me. You said, like, to you, and then you went to say Erin's name. It looked like you panicked. You looked down on your hand, and I see written on your hand, covered in sweat, it says Ear-Run.

Some sort of phonetic... Is that how you decided to remember my name?

Some sort of phonetic helper device.

Listen, Alex, we could be here all day talking about whose name I forget. My hands are getting sweatier the more we talk about it, so why don't we just... I do a barrel on. But Mariah and I this weekend, she found this like DIY, I want to say recipe because I don't know what, like a craft project? Maybe that's it. Maybe you just say craft project. I like calling it a recipe even if it's not for food. It was a recipe for a headboard for a bed.

Is DIY recipe an oxymoron?

No.

No. Okay.

Do it yourself recipe.

Do it yourself but follow these instructions. The hardware store, we cut the lumber, we bought some stain, and our landlord let us use the garage, and we built a headboard. And it went pretty well. Only like a couple things didn't go exactly right, and I sent you both a picture of it, and you really can't tell that the things that did go right. You built that? Yeah, I think it looks pretty good. I think it looks fantastic. Yeah, it doesn't look like I put it together, which makes it seem like a schmuck would have done it. But also, it looks very similar to the picture that the person who posted it posted when it was done. So I'm like, great, we did an adequate enough job of making it look like what it was supposed to look like.

When you sent it, I assumed you bought it. So for the last eight or nine minutes, I assume you spent big money on a headboard. And that's what you're going to tell us.

Yeah, look at you fucking adequate Finch over here.

I think it was adequate Finch.

With all the parts and everything, it was under $100 with like the wood and the cutting and everything. And we bought a sander and it was like a $50 sander. So most of the money was buying a sander that now we have. So if you ever need something.

Can I tell you how expensive it looks though?

Oh, please.

I think it looks like an $800 headboard that you'd get from Restoration Hardware.

At the store, when we bought that wood, we bought that wood and the color of that wood, or the type of wood, was listed as common. So we bought the common wood, or wood for commoners, but then we stained it with a mahogany stain, so it looks nice. You sure it wasn't listed as, come on, buy this wood, come on. Come on, buy the wood. That was very exciting and that project, the staining took 24 hours and we're very pleased with it, so that's new.

That's outstanding.

It looks really nice. What are you up to? I got nothing.

Great, I have two things.

Please. Do you really have to? Yeah, we got a new showerhead because ours broke. Plumber didn't confirm with us and showed up at 8am.

Fuck, wow, you really do have nothing.

I got nothing.

Is the showerhead that you got nice? And also, how did it break? And did the plumber immediately know that you were lying to him or to them when you told them why it broke? And give us that plumber's first name.

Didn't meet him. Went and immediately fell asleep in the guest room and had Sean meet him instead. I told him it broke because it was old and it just broke off when we tried to adjust it. How it really broke is I was using it as a basketball hoop. Got one for about $40. There's a huge range in how much you can spend on a shower head. It's anywhere between like $11 and like $400. I went for like a $50 one. Yeah, it looks pretty good. Haven't used it yet. And that's all I have.

When we moved into this apartment, that was one of the first things that I did was go buy a new shower head and put a new shower head on. And it's one with like a wand so we can give spaghetti a bath with it. Ooh, you're always at JPC. I'm a real boy. But it's also got multiple speeds. And I do like a shower head that has multiple speed options to play with.

And you can use that as a fake microphone when you're singing in the shower.

Fly me to my pubes, make sure they're covered in soap.

Nevermind, nevermind.

I think it's a little creepy that you had that so fast. I think that's clearly a song you sing to yourself.

Full disclosure, full disclosure, I just took a shower like 30 minutes ago and I was singing Fly Me To My Pubes.

We really got a peek behind the shower curtain there.

That's gonna be a weekly segment.

Adal, what is new in your new house?

Yeah, all moved into the house. Boxes everywhere, so we have to get that figured out. I just set up this recording studio.

I would say unpack them if I were to suggest of what... No, no.

No, they're unpacked.

We just have these loose boxes now everywhere. These boxes don't know what to do with them. I get them flat, can't figure it out. There's covered in tape. Just set up this podcast studio in my little, it's like a little sauna room, where we have a bunch of closets upstairs, but then this is just like, I feel like it's a little sauna, I don't know, or a little Russian bathhouse, I don't know what it is, but it's working out. It's yours now. It's ours now, and then we, I mentioned this on a Patreon, but Gemma and I bought a 1940s telephone booth, So JBCI will absolutely take that sander from you. And I think we're going to try and spruce it up, repaint it, and then make it like a, um, put it in the living room and make it like a cat tree, like put a little cat tree inside of it. Oh, cool. I think it might be kind of fun.

That's fun. So I can, I can definitely help you, uh, sand it. And I have plenty of mahogany stain left. So if you want to make it look like a mahogany headboard, I got you covered. Maybe I'll really ruin it. Erin, what did you ask?

I was going to ask what you were going to paint it, but now I know it's going to have to be mahogany.

It's got to be mahogany. Better be mahogany. I think we're going to look up to see what it looked like in its original incarnation and then try and replicate that. Try to recreate? That's pretty cool. That's awesome.

I can't wait to see it.

And Erin, you did say when I first told you we were buying the house, you did say that you would love to come over and help paint.

I'm going through a tunnel, Adal. I'm breaking up. I'm going through a tunnel.

Holy shit. She is going through a tunnel. I've never seen something like this. She changed her zoom background to a tunnel.

That's gotta be so awful. You know, my parents went through a tunnel and I'm a product of that tunnel. So I understand how tough it can be. Yeah.

Going through a tunnel, break it up. No, do you need help painting? I'll wear a mask.

Yeah. And maybe you do all downstairs and then I'll do all of upstairs.

Okay. Um, can I paint it all mahogany? Uh-huh.

Are you really painting all the walls and everything, Adal?

We're not painting all the walls, but definitely not in the bar. We're gonna, to make it a tiki room, we'll probably paint it like black or green or something, and then do some wallpaper, and then we'll probably paint the kitchen.

Two very different colors. It'll be black or green, it'll be one of the two.

It'll be red or orange or white or green or purple or blue.

We hope one of them works.

Opposite ends of the color wheel.

I meant to tell you, since I know that you can lose yourself in a video game, I recently got the video game Hades, which just came out for the Switch, but it's been out on PC for like a year, and I think that you would really enjoy playing it. It's very, very fun. It's like a dungeon crawler, where you are the son of Hades, whose name escapes me right now, and you are trying to escape out of hell. Oh, thanks Jeff. Jeff, it's Jeff Hades. It starts with a Z, but you're trying to escape out of Hades or out of hell and like the Olympian gods are helping you do it. It's very, very fun.

That sounds right up my alley because I love Diablo's Zagarias. I just remembered it.

Or did Casey put it in the chat?

No, I remembered it. It's Zagreus, so I love that you remembered the wrong pronunciation. I love Hadestown the musical. Diablo 2 is one of my favorite games of all time, so this sounds right in my wheelhouse.

It's got big Diablo 2 vibes, except it's also very funny. Yeah, anyway, I think that you would really like it, and that is my doctoral recommendations for you, my friend.

How many JPCs would you give it?

Um, boy oh boy, as a video game, I think I might give this maybe 15 JPCs. Yeah, but I haven't, I've only played it, I've played it admittedly for a long time, for like 25 hours. Uh, but I think once I get further into it, I'll probably end up giving it more JPCs. But it's super fun. It's super fun right now.

Hell yeah. Maybe I'll check out your Twitch tomorrow or something.

Well, on the day that this episode comes out is the next time I'm Twitching. So it'll be on Wednesday. Yeah. Perfect. From 10 to 2, I think.

Erin, do you want to give us some sweet warm up Riddle?

Of course. Well I'm really just not gonna, I'm doing listener submitted riddles today. So I'm just gonna do, I'm just gonna do them in order of how I pulled them.

Okay.

So some are gonna be hard, some are gonna be easy, some are the easy ones are gonna be at the end of the episode, some of the hard ones are gonna be in the middle and the beginning of the end. I'm sort of unpredictable.

Sure, you're doing the old dentist prerogative. Doing it in the order that you pull them.

And let's just like, you can just pretend that this episode is Hades in your Zatarans or whatever. I'm trying to get to the end of the episode.

Why did you remind him that he wanted to be called that?

And I'm a god, and I'm going to help you out.

My favorite thing was that I said Zatarans for like four episodes straight, and I said it like 10 times an episode. And then someone on Twitter was like, I could not stop laughing every time. JPC screams Zataran. And then I think JPC was like, that was Adal. And then the guy was like, oh, nevermind. I tell you, people think that we sound the same.

Yeah, people think you guys sound alike.

It's not funny if Adal says it. But if it was JPC, it would have been so funny.

I've gotten a few messages of people being like, hey, any tips for telling the difference between Adal and JPC's voices? And I was like, I, I don't know how to help you.

Forward tat, backwards tat. Forward tat, backwards tat. I'll start talking like a little British twerp.

So that's JPC.

That's JPC.

All right, here's your first riddle.

Give it to us. Please.

And this person didn't say I could use the name, but sort of used their names. You'll see. I'm just gonna use the name, and if I wasn't supposed to, I will send you a blender. How about that?

Ooh.

Okay.

The Robot from Futurama? The MTV show?

Yeah, yes. I'm actually gonna send you, what is it? The next? What's the bus one?

Yeah, that's the bus one. Next was the best sh- We should do an episode- I'm gonna do a Patreon episode of Next. Because they would always be like- They would always- Bring facts about them? Yeah, they'd always be like, hey, my name is Kyle, I'm a podiatrist, and I'm just trying to get my foot in the door. Like, it was always, like, their occupation and then a pun on that. Like, you're like- I'm a gymnast, I'm gonna make you flip for me. My name's Zachary. I race horses. Giddy up baby.

And then the three facts about them, and one is always the worst. Oh yeah. Alright, this one is from... My name's Jeremy.

I got a tiny little baby arm. I'm a baker. And what's cooking?

And then he gets out of the bus and the lady's like, next.

Next.

And he's like, I thought I was gonna find love today. Turns out it wasn't gonna be today.

She broke my eggs.

This one is from Carl Hayes Wright, my six year old boy, not mine, the guy who wrote in, who made up this riddle on his way home from school. OK. So this is Henry Wright.

Oh, this will be a bad riddle.

Writing in talking about his son Carl. Are we ready?

This is a riddle that his son wrote on the way home from school. So he's already wiped out and exhausted for the day, and he's six.

So this is... This is not new beginning of the day energy.

This also feels like... I just had a dream Riddle.

I'm not trying to like be rude to Carl because he is six, but this definitely feels like a Thursday afternoon. Oh yeah. That he came up with.

Carl, buddy, hey, if you're listening, hey buddy, we appreciate you. Next time, step up your game.

No, this is actually a great riddle.

Oh, wait, it is a good riddle? This is like, it's an almost the weekend riddle. That's my favorite type of riddle.

Are we ready?

Yes.

What did the lunch say to the bull?

Are you Lunchables? Lunchables?

Is this a Lunchables joke? Just Lunchable. I guess he is hungry. Thank you so much, Carl. You did a great job.

Great job. Carl, you're outstanding. If you are listening, please write us back because I have a mental picture of how this joke goes down, but I need to know if it's pizza or if it's the sandwich stackers because that's going to change the way that I hit this joke hits me. So I and Carl, I'm not going to influence too much. I hope it's pizza.

The pizza lunchables catch so much shit. They're my fucking jam. Like the regular lunchables? Get out of here. The pizza ones? Yes please. But cold. Eat them cold.

I think the thing about the regular Lunchables is that I remember, I mean, I haven't had meat in like almost two decades, but I remember those regular Lunchables. I was so excited for them until I had like Ritz crackers and cheese independently of Lunchables. And I was like, Oh God, what they're giving me in this is poison. Like Ritz crackers, how can you be so much worse than a Ritz cracker?

Like Ritz crackers isn't even trying that hard. The meat you always got like the circular little pieces of meat that you would get in a Lunchable. Always had like an Eye of Jupiter in it like there's always some sort of like little ring in the middle where it's like I don't know what that was but you know how we have a shortage of coins right now oh yeah I think you see where I'm going with this Lunchable Meat says money Thank you Adal.

Adal saw where I was going with this.

You can throw those things in like a toll road or whatever the machine doesn't know the difference It's all quarters to the machine.

Did you know that George Washington skipped a Lunchable Meat across the Delaware?

It's just that fountain in Rome and it just filled with Lunchable Meat.

The Tripoli Fountain?

Oh, man.

Also, I really wanted to just lay into Adal when he was like, every time those little pieces of meat had that eye of Jupiter on it, I really wanted Erin and I to be like, we have no idea what you're talking about. But no, no, no. It would be like, kill your parents, Adal. And it would talk to you and issue commands in your mind so no one else could hear.

Classic Lunchables. Carl, I don't know if you're going to school right now or if you're learning remotely, but I just want to encourage you to be nice to your teachers. They don't want to get sick. They're trying their best. My sister is a teacher. And just so you know, anyone out there, if I find out that you're bullying your kid's teacher and you're being too hard on them, I'm going to find a very creative way to ruin your life.

Okay, and that is going to bring me to a new segment that I want to do on the show. This is a segment that I just call advice for Carl. So Carl is six years old.

Can we call it Carl Talk?

This is Carl Talk. So this is Carl Talk. We're all going to go around the horn and just give Carl, you know, six years old listening to the podcast, probably not listening to the podcast, six years old and some advice that might help them in their schooling.

Great. Anyone want to go first for advice for Carl?

Yeah. So, Carl, you're six. You're just going to school. You're getting acclimated to everything. You're making all these social connections. What you're going to want to do is you're going to want to break the cycle of being mean to someone because you like them. Be honest with your emotions. Tell people how you feel, Carl. Say, hey, I like you. I'm putting myself out there. I'm Carl. I'm a hell of a nice kid. And I want to be friends with you.

Great advice.

Yeah, perfect advice. Carl, this is Adal Rifai, if you can't distinguish my voice from the previous talker. My big advice for you is to go ahead and start calling your mom and dad by their first names. Yes. I mean, your parents by their first names. Because what's going to happen is as you grow older, everyone you meet, you're going to have to call by their first name, right? You might as well get used to it now. And I'm going to save you the embarrassment of grade school and high school where you accidentally call a teacher, mommy or daddy. That's going to ruin Your year, or possibly two years. So go ahead and start calling your parents by their first name. Don't say mom or dad ever again. And that's just a little bump set spike from your old uncle Adal.

Carl, speaking of ruining your life, please try to encourage your parents to not make bacon before school. really just like encourage them to make bacon on the weekends because if they make it in the morning that smell is gonna get on your clothes and then you're gonna go to school and the kids are gonna say you smell like bacon that's gonna be a really hard thing to bounce back from okay so just just no bacon before school

And Carl, speaking of smells, getting on your clothes. What you're going to want to do is you're going to want to get an empty water bottle, and you're going to want to fill it with urine. It doesn't have to be yours, but it should be. You're going to want to carry this around on you, because Carl, at one point, you are going to piss yourself. It happens to everyone. There's no need to be ashamed about it. I'm doing it now. Sure. It happens to the best of us, but you don't want to be alone in that instance. So what you want to do is you're going to take that water bottle out, squirt it on another kid or a teacher or whoever else is around, and say, you're in this with me now. You have to help us both get out of this.

And real quick, talking about smells. What you're also going to want to do is start carrying around a trumpet. You don't have to learn how to play it. If you want to, that's a bonus. Start carrying around a trumpet. That way, anytime you fart, you want to grab that real quick. And as people turn around, you just want to say, just practicing. That way, everyone thinks they just heard a trumpet. They don't know what that smell is. But it must have been somebody else. Because you're just practicing the trumpet, my man. You're just practicing the trumpet.

Hey Carl, I'm Erin here. Um, really quick, we're actually going to ignore those last two bits of advice because you're not going to be the kid carrying around a trumpet in a bottle of piss.

Actually, you can kick the piss in the trumpet. Please, Trumpiss. Trumpiss, please.

And that concludes our advice. Come back in six months when we remember this segment for some more advice.

Guys, I think we have to pivot into Carl Talk. I think that's the new show.

We're going to do this every year at Carl's birthday, which I am putting it out here right now, September 23rd. This episode comes out. Happy birthday, Carl.

And again, I'm in a lot of trouble if I wasn't supposed to be using his name. This is a real disaster.

Unfortunately, we have gone too far down this hole. We cannot lose the chunk of this episode now. This would be a 12 minute episode. So this all stays in.

We want to apologize to your family if that was the wrong move. But I did. I'm also a little nervous because I copy pasted these emails into a document. And I'm worried that I got I copy and pasted out of the part where he's like, please don't say the name. But I don't think I did. And that is my bad, if I could do that.

And if you did, and we did say the name, you can't trust us. So watch out if you're going to say this.

All right.

Hashtag Trumpiss. Erin, we do legally have to get to another riddle.

All right. Let's do this. Hey, I'm Andrew. You can use my name. It's cool. Here's a riddle that honestly only works like 10% of the time. How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag?

Safeway. Now that is a grocery store, correct? Do we have Safeways around here?

No.

What the fuck is a Safeway? That sounds like a... We had Indianapolis. We had Safeway in Indianapolis. Safeway sounds like a company that makes like car alarms. Safeway? Safeway is a grocery store. And real quick... Real quick, and this is an honest question, am I mishearing the word save? S-A-V-E?

No, it's safe.

Safe. Safeway. Safeway makes sense to me, because you're saving... What's the way to save money?

You have to wear a helmet in this grocery store.

You walk into a Safeway, and a man says, come with me if you want to live. Because as we all know, there's a dangerous way and a Safeway to walk through that store. Do not go near the bread aisle.

Adal, you just made me remember one of my favorite Patreon moments ever is when I was like tying up my horse and you made that locking car sound. That's one of the funniest things that has ever happened.

Can I just say, in my entire life, and I'm 38 years young, in my entire life, I have never seen a car alarm go off and have anybody take notice or do anything or police come. That is the most useless fucking tool that mankind has ever created.

JPC, you try it.

Here at JPC's Car Alarms, our one promise is there's a chicken in every car alarm. And we put that chicken in there and we make sure it's dead.

Okay, answer my riddle.

How does an elephant, what is it?

How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag?

Here's what I want to ask Erin. Could we just take away Safeway and have it be bag? Or does Safeway have a role to play in this?

It does.

Should you just do it the safe way?

Is it like a little play on words where safety first or something like that?

No.

Is there something about safe way that I need to know about in terms of you need to fill me in in terms of like context?

No context needed.

Okay, I'll give you a little bit of context that you don't need at all. We used to walk to Safeway and buy Faygo because it was like 69 cents for a two-liter. And when you were a kid and you didn't have any money of your own, even though you wanted to buy like Mountain Dew, if it was like 129, you would not buy that two-liter if you could buy a 69 cent two-liter of Faygo.

For listeners, JPC was rattling off that story. Meanwhile, I got a text from him that said, come, and he said, ha ha ha, come text. Oh, that's it? That was like two days old. I want to see a scene. I want to see a scene. Erin, you are an elephant. You have gone into a Safeway to purchase groceries for you and your family. JBC, you are a stock boy. You're stocking the shelves. This is the first time you've seen an elephant in the store.

Hmm.

Oh, oh my god. Should you be here? Are you, can I help you?

Wait, are you following me? God, are you a stock boy? Stop following me.

Look, I'm legally allowed. It's my job to be in here and I'm not, it's not like I'm following you. I'm not profiling you or anything. I just follow, I follow everyone around. I'm a stock boy.

Okay. I just want to shop in peace, please.

Okay, well I don't know why you came to a Safeway because we're all stalkers here and not only do I rearrange the bread, I also, I can help you if there's something that you need.

Is that why I can't find the bread that I need?

Yes, I saw you when you came and you had bread at the top of your list so I've been going a little bit in front of you and hiding the bread in different places and then like trying to just watch you as you react. And you've been getting angrier and angrier?

Yeah, this has not been easy.

Is it true that you can feel grief, you people? I don't want to say that. Excuse me? Is it true that you can feel grief?

Yeah. Cool. Also, I can be pregnant for two years. Are we just naming things that are true?

Oh, if you're hitting on me, I gotta say I'm at work. That's so inappropriate.

No, not hitting on you. I'm just saying I can give birth to a full elephant. It will only take me two years.

All right. Yeah. Okay. You could give birth to a full elephant. I understand what we're talking about here. And I gotta say, I gotta say just personally for me, it's not that big. So.

Wait, I gotta see a shirt of like an elephant at a bar using the pickup line. Hey, I can get pregnant for two years.

In their defense they have to make a whole elephant.

Yeah, that's fair. Hey, I have a little update. In 1924, the company Safeway held a contest to find a new name. It was called Seelig, maybe? The name Safeway is part of a larger slogan that was given, drive the Safeway, buy the Safeway. It refers to the fact that the store did not offer credit buying the Safeway meant not using credit or getting into debt. Huh.

Wait, so this is 24?

It said 1924.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, that makes sense. That tracks.

At least it's a better grocery store name than Schnucks. Look at you, Missouri. Fuck you.

I do like Meyer. I think Meyer's my favorite store to say. Like, Meyer.

I like Stop and Shop.

I like stores that were obviously named after a person, but they shouldn't exist, like Menards. There's no reason to have a store called Menards in meme culture nowadays.

Menards. Menards.

I don't think there's a single time we drive by Menards where Gemma doesn't scream, Menards. Exactly.

You don't need to have that store named. Oh, Menards.

You have to answer my question. How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag?

Use his trunk?

No. I'm going to tell you.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, wait, you already started. You pack a derm.

No, I'm going to tell you. Easy. You just have to take the S out of safe and the F out of way.

Okay, S out of safe. That's A-F-E way. Take the F out, so A-E away. Oh, it's like Lady Smith's Black Mambasa.

You have to take the F out of the word way.

You have to take the F out of the word way. Okay, Erin, there's no F in the word way.

Oh, you're so close!

There's no f-ing way. You were trying to set us up to say there's no f-ing way. So this is not a riddle. This is a joke that depends on you giving us the answer to the riddle so that we can say there's no f-ing way.

So basically, Erin, what we just did was basically say, what do you get when you cross a rhinoceros and an elephant? The fuck if I know?

But that was that was the longest, the longest, the longest set up to just a joke on us. Oh boy.

There's no F in the word way.

I gotta tell you guys, if you're sitting in riddles to the show, we totally encourage it. Please do make sure they are riddles and not whatever the fuck you want.

Alright, I had some real riddles from our friend Evan. Evan sent some riddles.

Real quick, I do have to say that elephant joke absolutely fucking crushed Carl's bullshit, so... Carl, Carl, see me after class.

In his defense, you are 15 times his age.

Team top six, carry the eight star extra. Yeah, what's up?

Top's up! Uh, alright. Uh, hi Clue Crew! Hi! I've been listening since episode three. Wow. 2018. So I figure I probably owe you some riddles. You do. I found this book while moving and about 95% of the riddles are exceptionally bad. Here are some salvageable ones. Answers are in white underneath a riddle and a close. Love your show. Evan. Thank you, Evan. Thank you, Evan.

Dear Evan Riddles, what to say to you.

We're going to go through these quick so we can get through all of them. You ready?

Yes.

What's a funny name I can call you two? Like a dummy and other dumb one?

Maybe Star Lord and Gamora? Oh yeah, our names, I'm sorry.

Silly Duck and Silly Goose? Who's Duck?

I think JPC has a longer neck, so I'm probably Goose. Yeah, you're Goose. Don't you famously die at the end of Top Gun? No, the middle.

Okay, here we go. Ready?

Sure.

What is the last thing you take off before going to bed at night?

Condom?

Leave it on. You can deal with that in the morning by man. And again, if you are sick listening to the podcast, you have to stop. I have a sixth mind.

I have a very sixth mind.

You cannot be listening to the podcast.

That's like the most realistic one, probably.

Carl, turn the podcast off. Carl, ask your dad what that means. Okay, that was actually funny. Before you go to bed at night, what's the last thing that you take off?

What is it? What is the last thing you take off before going to bed at night?

You take off the covers from the bed.

No.

You're conscious. You take off.

No, no.

You take off. Oh, on the flight? The plane takes off and then you fall asleep?

No.

It's the last thing you take off before you go to bed. The weight of the world off your mind? No. Do you take your face off?

No.

Your glasses?

No.

It's the last thing you take off before you go to bed.

Your daytime pants and put on your nighttime pants? It is a very cheeky thing. Like you're on the right track that it's like, it's not like a piece of clothing.

Is it something you can hold? Is it a tangible item?

No.

Is it an emotion?

No.

You take off your... It's more of an action. You take off your eyes by blink, by shutting them.

Oh, you go, you go, here comes the plane. You crash into the bed.

Break your new bed frame. Uh-huh. Uh, I'm going to tell you what it is.

Okay, please.

What is the last thing you take off before going to bed at night? Your feet off the floor!

Fuck you. So I want to see a scene and then I think we have to take a break. So the scene I want to see is the two of you getting ready for bed. You're a married couple getting ready for bed and for whatever reason you have like a little checklist of everything you need to do to get ready for bed before you can peacefully fall asleep.

Did you close the blinds?

Uh-huh. Did you open them again?

I did open them again, and I closed them again, then opened them again, then closed them again. So three times and we're good. I laid out my warm glass of milk and your tepid glass of milk.

Thank you so much. And can you just put your pinky finger in my milk for good luck?

Of course. One, two, three, four. Milk is for the ones who are poor. And then I drink my whole glass of milk.

And now you mimed it. Now drink it for real?

Okay.

Are you full from the mimed glass?

No, I just hate milk. Okay, and then I'll make sure all of the picture frames are at perfect 90 degree angles. One, two, three.

Excellent. I'm going to put all the eggs under the pillows.

Good. In case the egg fairy comes and then we're rich.

I'm going to put the P under the mattress so I can know if you're the one or not.

And I'm going to play Justin Bieber's I'm Not the One, just as a little joke. Obviously I am the one for you, girl.

I'm going to stretch just in case I have to run in my dream.

I'm going to preload all of the crossbows in case another intruder comes in. Okay, we're all good.

All right, I'm gonna have another glass of milk and here's yours.

My next glass of milk, okay, is slightly hotter. And I, of course, am too full on milk to have sex, so let's go to sleep. Same.

When you were loading the crossbows... They forgot to put their condoms on for sleep.

When you were loading the crossbows, what is this show? It was like from a theme song from a show like, Oh Doug. Oh yeah. It sounded like that where you're like,

Quail Man. Quail Man. I was watching a child today.

Erin in the park?

Yeah, on purpose. Stalker at a Safeway. And he asked, what's the best way to get someone? A bow and arrow? And I was like, what are you planning?

Oh no, he's homologing it.

Also, a bow and arrow is objectively not the best way to get someone.

Trident.

The best way to get someone is an internet scam. Speaking of scams, let's take a quick break. No, okay, I'm being told that these are not scams when you're about to get here.

But maybe don't do that.

What you are about to hear, these are legit businesses. We'll have more scams when the show comes back, but the commercial break is legit businesses.

Yeah, scam stands for such cool advertising money.

Hey Adal, Erin, can you guys come here for a second? Yeah, are we in trouble? No, we're not in trouble. I just got off the phone with our editor Casey Tony and yeah, exactly. But he told me that he was saying that we did a really nice thing because we did a PayPal ad on the show last week and we read Casey Tony's PayPal. on the show and he was like thanking me for doing such a nice thing. Unfortunately, no one PayPal'd him anything. People did leave comments and they said that the ad that we read wasn't nice enough. So we're going to have to do a brand new ad where we're like really nice to Casey and still, you know, make it about PayPal.

I mean, I love PayPal and it's really easy to use. I just don't understand why it's so easy. I don't get it.

Yes. Oh my God, Erin. I love PayPal, especially in this time currently. It makes it so easy to pay for goods and services. It makes it so good for me to send money to friends or family who may need that or to reimburse them. It's the most simple, wonderful tool, especially at this time. I love PayPal more than anything. Is that what they're looking for? Something like that?

Yeah. I mean, they definitely want to emphasize that it's a great way to stay connected with the people that you love, and that's great. But then we have to kind of tie it back into Casey, who is like this antagonistic relationship with the show. We do this bit where we like don't appreciate him even though we literally stay without him.

Do you think that it's a nice thing to say to Casey and about Casey if we mention how PayPal has touch-free QR code payments at your local restaurants and farmers markets? Like, is that a nice compliment to Casey? I don't really compliment.

I don't know. Look, I think that this is a bust. I just gotta say right now, PayPal, it's making it easy to pay safely, quickly, and easily. If you want to do that, download the PayPal app today, Terms and Conditions Apply, and if you do download the app, Hey Riddle.

Yeah, honestly, I've been using PayPal so much to donate to different charities. It's the best way. It's just the best way. And Casey is nice. Wait, let me try this again. Casey is nice.

I hope he doesn't edit this to make us sound like idiots. The perfect crime.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, sorry. I'm in the middle of a scavenger hunt. I have like, I'm just, man, I am out of breath. Okay. I am looking for a simple solution to help. Oh my gosh. I am so out of breath.

Just catch your breath. Take a second.

I need a simple and easy way for men to keep their hair.

It's an ad. We can edit the breathless part out.

Wow, I really only ran like five feet. Am I okay? Anyways, look, on the scavenger hunt, I need to find a simple and easy way for men to keep their hair like a product where they can keep their hair if they're worried about hair loss.

Erin, say no more. You are not okay, but men who are losing their hair are going to be okay. Why? Because it keeps. Have you ever heard of this?

I have. I mean, I know two out of three guys experience some sort of male pattern baldness by the time they're 35. And the best way to prevent hair loss is to do something about it while you still have hair left, right, and center.

It has to be, it has to be, you have to be treated from home for it. This probably, yeah, that's part of the scavenger hunt.

Oh, so like no awkward doctor visits, saying goodbye to the pharmacy checkout line. They make it like simple and easy with delivery for your medication every three months. That kind of simple?

Yeah.

That's Keeps, baby!

Keeps treatments typically take between four and six months to see results, so it's important to act fast. The sooner you start using Keeps, the more hair you Keeps. Does that make sense? And also Keeps has more five-star reviews than any of its competitors and more than 100,000 men trust Keeps for their hair loss prevention medication. That's so many stars that you could form a brand new universe out of those stars.

I'm just laying down at this point. Can I have hot water and cold water?

Well, no. So you can't have any hot water and cold water because Keif's treatment starts at just $10 a month and that was more than I was spending on a cup of coffee. So I've cut hot water and cold water completely out of my diet and I no longer have it in the house.

I also have these other things you need. One cup of dry pasta, a towel that's been used recently, a book with the word the in it. So I think your scavenger hunt's almost done, Erin.

I need one more thing.

Sure. Oh, do you need a website to go to?

Yes. How did you know?

Well, you're in luck. You're just going to go to keeps.com slash riddle. That's keeps.com slash riddle keeps.com slash riddle to get your first month of treatment for free. Put that in your scavenger hunt.

Alright, I'm off to find a flamingo that doesn't think it's gonna find love, but is about to find love. I don't even know how to find it. Guys, I'm so tired.

Yes boys and girls, and the egg fairy stops by everyone's house. If there's an egg under your pillow, the egg fairy gives you a chicken. Now you know which came first. Now the chicken you can sell for money, or you can slaughter for sustenance and meat, or you can sell the meat after you slaughter it.

Okay, our parents will be back home at five, so maybe come back to talk to them. Oh shit, oh, I gotta go.

I gotta go.

Okay, okay.

Oh, before I go, can I have a key to the house? That will make things much easier for storytime next week.

No, we have a crossbow in here too, so. Roger.

Erin, do we have any more listeners?

I'll never get over that. Why does that sound so funny?

Do we have any more listener, sub-shitted shittles?

Yes, these are still from Evan. Thank you, Evan. Here's the next one. A man throws a ball, three feet, it stops.

And Erin speak right into that mic.

I am, aren't I? No, just get like four or five inches below the mic. Oh. Then shoot your voice. It's at a different angle.

Your audio quality changed drastically.

Cause I went down here, and I'm back here, this is Casey's Worst Nightmare. Casey's Worst Nightmare. Okay, here we go.

Casey's Worst Nightmare is filmed in front of a live Zoom that he can't influence.

He just messaged, don't blame me. Casey, if we want to know the name of Greek gods, we'll let you know. A man throws a ball three feet, it stops and then returns to his hands without touching anything. How come?

The ball he is throwing is a dance ball and Cinderella arrives with her sisters.

Do you remember what happened to Cinderella? She does not go with her sisters.

Step sisters, Adal, you moron.

No, she arrives alone. And then she's at the top of the stairs and everyone turns to look at her.

I just told you I was going to read it. Here's my qualm with Cinderella. So what size was she? Like eight and a half or something? You're telling me in all the fucking land there's one woman with an eight and a half size shoe? Fuck you. Fuck you.

It's not just about that. Sometimes it's like the width of the foot.

Also I would love to see somebody miss a step in a glass slipper and just all that glass shattering goes straight into her heel.

Yeah, if I'm watching like a Saw movie or something. If I'm in the mood to see someone's foot get fucked up.

Erin, I want to see a scene. You are Cinderella. You've arrived at the ball in your glass slippers, and you're finding that things aren't exactly as you wish they would be. And Japes, you're going to play, what is it, Prince Charming? Or what's her bow? Is it Prince Charming? Really?

Yeah, thanks. Or is that Sleeping Beauty?

I thought that was Sleeping Beauty, but I didn't know nothing about anything.

Then you play Steve the Duke. Thank you.

I'm sorry, I can't dance. I'm too scared.

Nope, no apologies necessary. No apologies necessary. I'm more of a stander. I tend to just stand and it kind of like rhythmically bounce. So it's all cool.

Sorry, can you just take a couple of steps away from me? You're cologne. I'm not really agreeing with it and I'm really scared to sneeze. Just the weight balance shifting. I'm just really, really scared.

No problemo. And by the way, this cologne is dope. This is from a guy who smelled Armani. So, okay. Can I get you something from the bar? Some crab, there's shrimp.

I actually don't want to add any, like, I love to eat, but like... Did somebody say, did somebody say too scared?

This guy's on drugs. This guy's licking the walls.

Hey, bro. Hey, bro. Hey, bro. Your party is over. You're done for the night. You're done partying. I'm going to sit you down. I'm going to get you a water bottle, okay? Drink this. So sorry about that.

Sorry. You probably don't know this. Are there any major arteries or veins in the feet?

Oh no, I'm a duke, so I don't know any of that stuff. My uncle is the king, and sometimes he lets me hunt a boar.

Oh shit, I have to pee.

Oh, a shit N.A.P. We call that number 3C in the kingdom. I can sort you out. No, no, no.

I can't move.

Sorry, Duke. Are you ready to hunt me? Did you know that tomorrow's weather will be about 82 degrees?

Oh, you mean you hunt boring people?

I'm sorry. It looks like his trip has changed. He's coming way off of these drugs in like a very hard way. Same. Okay, what is this Riddle? He throws a ball and it only goes a few feet, three feet you say?

A man throws a ball three feet. It stops and then returns to his hand without touching anything. How come?

Does he have a yoyo? Yeah, I was just going to say, is the ball a yoyo? Is the ball attached to like a string or something like that? No. Oh wait, is it his testicles and they're just loose? What? Is it his... Erin, I can't explain this quickly now.

Adal, you could meet your doctor one day. No, my headphones got unplugged. Is it what?

Don't worry about it, it's not worth it. That's my favorite Nirvana concert, Headphones Unplugged. Erin, I know the answer. I will yield the floor as JPC works through it.

Alright, it's a snowball and he's throwing it in a snowstorm, so he throws it and the storm whips it back into his hand.

No, that's a good guess.

Thank you.

I would like to see a scene.

Sure.

You two are two brothers on a snow day and you're doing a snowball fight outside and it's just about to take a turn.

Alright, so we each have our forts. Yeah, we got my forts over here, your forts to the west.

Yep, and about 80 clicks to the west and none of the neighbor kids are coming today, so it's Brother E Brother.

And just so we know I had my weapons inspectors check out all of your snowballs just to make sure that there was nothing hidden in them. You're welcome to have your weapons inspectors come over to my kingdom and inspect my snowballs to make sure there's nothing hidden in those

Well, I actually did have my weapon inspectors and inspector weapons and they did find that you covered rocks with snow. So they have melted down your snowballs.

OK, so I was trying to use that to power a renewable energy source for my kingdom and my people. That was not intended to be a weapon. And I want your inspectors to know that. That was a rock snow hybrid that I was working on and that was going to be clean, sustainable energy.

I'm so sorry. We are going to have to start a war. I will be invading your fort.

Okay, well good luck because all of my agents within your fort are going to turn your media against you and they are going to poison your people in this unjust, immoral, illegal war that you're prosecuting on my fort.

Boys, dinner!

Same.

It feels like that's a play that would be put on at a grade school to teach kids about what happened in like 92.

I think that that would be like a play, like that play is going on in a lot of people's like homeschools right now and they're like, we gotta get these kids back at a fucking school. Gotta get them out of the house, we gotta get them back at a school.

All right, are you ready?

No, Adal also gave the answer to the riddle because I don't know it.

Oh, he's throwing the ball in the air.

He's throwing it straight up. Snap, crackle, and pop.

Adal's the serial champ of the day. Well, well, well. Straight up now throw the ball up in the air. He throws it straight up. Nice. Nice Adal, very good. That's like me when I eat peeps. Actually I love peeps I like.

Are we ready for the next one?

Yes.

Rearrange these letters. You might need a pen and paper. You have 10 seconds. Rearrange these letters to make one new word.

I probably just won't participate.

Ready? Here are all the letters you have. New, new, door.

New, new, door? While I write this down and try and suss it out, GPC, I believe earlier after you texted me, you texted me that you were getting into songwriting. Can you write me that new song you wrote called New New Door?

New, new door. Make me open. Or make me close. And those are the two functions of a door.

Thank you. Okay, Erin. New, new door. I was able to spell Mountain Dew, but I think I added new letters.

Yeah, I think you did it. Well, that's pretty good.

Also, if I rearrange the letters in new and then rearrange the other letters in new, I can just make new, new door again, but it's with the news swapped.

I see a new door and I wanted painted new.

It also sounds like we're saying nude door.

Nude? So it's, it's the letters are new, new, door, and we have to rearrange them to make one word.

Rearrange these letters to make one new word. New, new, door.

If you just say it backwards, it's rude. When, when. That's something. That sounds like a Star Wars character that would happen in the fucking show.

Honestly, that's just another title for our show.

Are both news spelled the same way, or is one of them a K in EW?

Spelled the same way.

New door.

New. So we have the word wow. So let's count all the words we have that are for certain it. We have the word one. So we have Ned. Ned wow. Okay, I think I have it. Ned wow.

You have to use all the letters. New one word. New one word. One word new. One word. One word. It wins.

You're so close. You're so close. You had the right letters or you had the right words, but it's out of order.

Uh, what? One new word? One new word?

Yeah, one new word. Rearrange these letters to make one new word. One new word.

Another day, another word for me. Athosaurus in my dictionary.

One more door for revolution. We will nip it in the new.

Um... Master of the words.

Easy peasy. I actually really like that one.

Yeah, that's a great one. Thank you. Let's keep going.

Do you guys know if you rearrange the letters in your name? Do you have any things that it would spell? Have you ever done that game with yourself?

First and last name?

Yeah, first and last name. If you have anything in there that would rearrange.

If you keep asking us, you can buy us time.

So my question for you guys is have you ever thought about the letters in your name? I only have eight letters. I've got John Cohen. I got two O's in there and an H. It's like there's not a lot that you could do with that.

I can spell the word knife.

You can spell knife? That's pretty cool. Yeah, the H in my name is kind of fucking useless. Maybe I would be better if I didn't have the H just for this game.

Okay, we have Radialia. Afraid. Radial. What else we have here? I've never heard of most of these words. Fard. Ooh, fard. Aria. Stark. Oh, yeah. Dial. Lard. A lot of unflattering words.

You guys, you can rearrange my name to spell Eerie Knife.

Oh, whoa, that's your new nickname in advance.

I-R-E-K-N-I-F-E.

That's amazing.

Alright, so Eerie Knife. I think that wins it. That's great. You can't do shit with my name. You could actually rearrange my name to spell Joan Con, who sounds like a very important woman.

Wait, JBC, I'm working on your name right now and it looks like I can spell a huge fucking nerd.

Damn!

That's weird.

Bust is the F. It works out. Yeah, the N isn't there too.

If you add in my middle name, you can get the word Hawk. And that's what I'm going to go by now. The Hawk.

The middle name Hawk. Adal Rifai, the hawk in the morning.

That's how you tell us apart is I'll talk like that. I'll talk like a morning zoo crew.

And I'll talk like that too.

And we'll all talk like that.

We'll all talk like we have emphysema.

Are we ready?

Yes.

What do you find in seconds, minutes, and centuries, but not in days, years, and decades? We might have had this one before.

The letter C? Is it love?

Oh, I was thinking. What are the three words? What do you find in seconds, minutes, and centuries? Or just burped, I'm so sorry, excuse me, but not in days, years, and decades.

Seconds, minutes, and centuries, but not in days, years, and decades. The letter I? Is it a letter?

It's a letter. It's a letter. Fuck me. So S-E-C-O-N-D-S.

M. Second minutes. It's not M. It's gotta be one of those. Yeah, right? It has to be something that's in seconds, minutes, or centuries, right? What were the last three words?

Days?

Days, years, decades.

The letter N. Mm-hmm. Oh.

Good job, Adal.

Erin, you seem. Clever little N. You seem so sleepy.

Good job, good job, good job, Adal.

Night, night, num, num.

I'm going to drink two glasses of milk. Here we go. A man called his wife from the office to say he would be home around eight o'clock. He got in two minutes past eight. His wife was extremely angry at his late arrival. Why?

Bad marriage? Yeah, communication issues. Yeah. Was he like just covered in the fuckstench of another woman?

And that's your cologne, right? Fuckstench?

JPCs. It's by a guy who smelled our money.

JPCs, fuckstench.

Ew.

Was it when he texted her? Was he like in Australia? So it was like the next day or something? Is this a time zone issue?

No, it's something similar.

No gothic snow tomboys? She came home. She's at home, right?

Yeah. Two minutes past eight, he came home. She's fuming.

Okay. Okay. So something important was going to happen at eight. No. Hold on. No. Jeopardy starts at eight. He missed the first two minutes of Jeopardy, which is when they go through the theme for the episode.

What is the wrong answer?

Yes.

I'm trying to explain. So he said to be home by eight. He shows up at 8.02 and his wife is furious.

Eric, can I ask, is he only two minutes late? Oh, so he's not only two minutes late, so he's more than two minutes late. Is he 12 hours and two minutes late?

Yes!

Oh, AMPM. AMPM. Yeah, I would be furious. Does the Riddle say what he was doing?

No.

Because he's out all night. That is suspicious.

If he comes home with like a cast and like concussion, like he was in a car accident, that'd be funny, right?

Yeah.

OK, I want to see a scene. Erin, you are going to be at work, or you were supposed to be at work. You told Adal that you would be at home at 8 o'clock. It is now 8.02, 10 years later. And we'll see what happens.

Wow, what a day.

Hello, is someone at the door?

Honey, I'm home. What's for dinner?

Oh my God, is that you?

Oh my God. Ooh, do I smell bacon?

What happened? How?

You know, just like stay late at the office. Actually, I'm going to have our son behind you sort of mime out what. Oh, just stay on the porch.

Sorry. Who is this? Stay on the porch. Jackie. Hey, Jackie. Who is this? Wait, and you're my child or you're my... I'm your child.

You're my child.

Great.

Sorry. I'm both of your child. Who am I?

And you're going to mime out why I'm late.

I'm not going to do shit for you ladies. You left me. Now I'm 20 years old. I'm still at home because pandemic and all the jobs.

And I bet a lot of the students love that.

All right.

Well, I'm also remarried.

What?

What I was going for earlier and I misread the situation. I'm Kevin. I'm the new husband. That's the new husband.

Hi, Kevin. I think that you're going to feel really silly when you find out why I'm late.

Just to be clear, I was going to feel silly anyway because I'm making little silly face pancakes for breakfast for dinner. I'm Kevin. I'm a new husband.

Kevin seems amazing.

You can't even hate him. You can't even hate him. Why were you late? Why were you late?

I was getting you a gift.

Okay, and?

I went to Kay Jewelers. There was a line. There was a long line.

Every kiss begins with Kay.

That's what I was hoping for.

Should have gone to Jared. Kevin went to Jared.

Ah, he went to Jared.

Yeah, Kevin went to Jared. I'm Jackie, hold on.

Oh, hold on, hold on.

Kicks, dinner! That's why I'm going to end every scene for you. Okay, everybody shut up.

Okay. Yes. All right. Did you lock the chicken?

All right, be serious though. Stop making jokes. I'm so tired of your jokes.

Okay, you want to know how I got these scars?

What?

Hmm? No, let's go ahead. You said be serious.

And- Harry, Harry, I'm your uncle, Godfather or whatever. I forget what his position is.

An art expert went to a sale and bought a picture he knew to be worthless. Why?

It was a Banksy.

Oh, Worthless is the name of the photographer and boy are worthless.

His arm's tired.

I want to see a quick scene. I want to see the briefest of scenes. Adal, you are a famous photographer. Your name's Jack Worthless and you are, Erin and I are at your gallery. This is a big opening event for your gallery.

Why don't you just come on in? This is J. Dubs Gallery, also known as Jack Worthless. If you look over here, that's a blown up 36x36 of me with my thumb over the lens.

Now, a lot of people say that... Excuse me, my husband and I are very wealthy, very rich, and we buy art to indicate our status to our poor friend. What's your most expensive piece?

Please. Okay, I don't mean to talk down to you, but what I've found, being in the art community for a long time, is anyone who says they're wealthy and then follows it up with, uh, and very rich, is probably not worth as much as they think they are.

Well, I don't want to tell you your business, but I'm a rollercoaster tycoon, so I think I have a little bit of money.

He's a roller coaster tycoon. He sleeps on his computer and builds roller coasters.

You ever heard of the beast, son of the beast? These are two roller coasters that I've heard of. No, I just know them here.

I've never been to Cedar Point or Great Flags, Six Flags America, or Six Flags New England for that matter.

Is Splash Mountain a thing still? Is that a roller coaster or a ride?

I haven't been to Cedar Point. I was in Cedar Sinai for a long time, but that's a different story. Listen, real wealthy people, they wear sweatpants and t-shirts, like Adam Sandler. You have on two tuxes, sir, and ma'am, you're wearing a Vera Wang wedding dress.

Clearly your posture is... Good eye!

Yes, we're also Australian. Good eye.

Good eye, mate.

Same. Good eye, mate. What is the answer to this riddle?

Yeah, what's the answer to this riddle?

Was it just he liked the picture and he wasn't trying to invest?

No, the picture was worthless, but it was a fine frame that he intended to reuse.

Oh, the old Thomas Crown affair.

Next Riddle. There's a couple more we'll do him really fast.

Okay.

So fast. A boxer left the ring after winning the world championship. His trainer took all the money and he never got a cent. Why not?

He owed the trainer for training him.

It was Meghan Trainor and she had the rights to the song. All about that, boom, boom, boom.

The boxer left a ring after winning the world champion. The trainer took all the money.

Oh, the boxer died. No. What's that movie where he falls down and hits his neck on the chair? That's called Million Dollar Mermaid. So it's a million dollar mermaid situation, got punched in the neck, died, won, and the trainer got to keep on running.

Well, to be fair, Hilary Swank. You got it. To be fair, Hilary Swank what?

Never got punched in the neck. Not on camera. She hit her neck on the stool. That's true. She hit her neck on the stool.

I'm going to tell you the answer. The boxer was a dog that had just won the championship at a dog show. I need to see such a quick scene. I'm sorry. I have to. JBC, you are a dog at a dog show. You're favored to win. Adal, you are literally the underdog and you're hoping to win the dog show.

There's no need to fear. I am here. Jesus Christ, what are you? Well, I'm a mix. I'm a terrier and a shih tzu. I'm a...terrets. Terrets. I'll be honest with you.

Your bright colors, your vibrant, your just so much. There's no way that you're going to win this dog competition.

We'll see. What's your talent for the talent show portion?

My talent?

My talent says I'm completely inbred.

My great-great-grandfather fucked my great-great-grandmother. And then they continued having their children fuck for thousands of years until me was born the perfect model of what it is to be a dog. I can't see straight. I will die in one year. My eyes are all crossed. My arms are legs. My legs are arms. Horns of my teeth and teeth on my horns of J.P. Riddles. Somebody give me a big can of spaghetti. Oh, it's dinner.

Mine's dancing.

All right, last one. Woman is reading a newspaper alone. She hears the phone ring in the room next to the one she's in. Although she knows the call is probably important, she does not bother to answer it. Why not?

It's in an adjoining hotel room. She sucks as a human. Yeah, is it a hotel room?

Actually, you know what? I cut off the answer to this.

I'm going to have to look it up.

Erin.

Just talk amongst yourselves.

You silly goose. Adal, what do you think that we should cut out of the episode?

Should we cut this part out or should we cut any other parts out? I think we have to cut out. So every time that we shit on Carl, because if Carl is a real listener and he's six years old and we assume he listens to this episode, which he shouldn't be, but if he is Carl, rate and review us, we should not cut out the whole Carl portion, because again, that was like 18 minutes, but we should replace Carl with a different word or a different name and that will protect us. So what's a word or name? That will still make that story super fun in that segment, really enjoyable, but that won't offend.

Well let's do what we did with our riddle earlier and we'll take the letters of Carl and replace it with a new word. I love this. So Lark. Yeah that works. Yeah. We could do Lark, we could do Arkel. Arkel. Anybody got any cheese? Anyone have any riddles? It's me!

Oh my god, hold on, Erin, shut up for a second. We found what's gonna sustain the podcast for the next hundred episodes. We need a next door neighbor boy named Arkel and he comes in and he asks for riddles and we say no and he tries to solve them and we say get the fuck out and he says I'm wearing you down.

Did I solve that?

Hold on, this is just American Dad. We're just writing American Dad. Never mind.

That keeps happening!

But then when that character gets old, he invents this machine in his basement where he turns from Arkel into young Sheldon.

Alright, this is the answer.

What's the answer?

The woman lives in an apartment building. She hears the phone ringing in the adjacent apartment. She knows that her neighbor, who is a brain surgeon, is out.

Oh, and his name is adjacent. She's an Italian woman and she lives in an adjacent apartment.

Adal, anything to plug?

Ooh, I have a few things to plug. Thank you so much for asking. I want to plug a few podcasts I guess it on. One is the Mega Podcast, M-E-G-A. That's by Greg Hess and Holly Laurent, two old friends of mine from Chicago who moved to LA.

I love them.

They are so funny and so, so attractive and wonderful and kind. But they do a podcast that makes fun of like mega churches and religion. And I was recently on an episode, it was one of the most enjoyable things I've done in a long time. Where I played a guy who was a repo man, I repossessed Souls from the Devil. So please listen to Mega Podcast. Also another one of my favorite podcasts I've guessed it on, this is my second time, is the restricted section, which is a Harry Potter podcast. Please check that out. And the last thing I want to plug is for my dear, dear fianc Gemma. She has been doing a ton of stuff on a thing called Smule. That's S-M-U-L-E. It's like a desktop, or I think on your phone as well, app. And what it is, is you record yourself singing, and then anyone in the world can join you and sing like a duet with you. So you just record your portion, you upload it to this app or site, Smule, and then people can join you. And it is, it has been a goddamn delight to hear all these people from around the world join her in different duets. Her account is GemiCat, J-E-M-M-Y-C-A-T-3-2-8. So if you go to smule.com slash GemiCat3-2-8, you can friend her or join her in a duet. And I would love to hear it.

You know I'm going to be making a Smule account going on there and every time she posts a song I'm just going to post a duet that's just me going... Start washing my pubes.

What was it? I think that's it. Send me to the pubes.

I would love to plug. You can follow me at twitch.tv slash sharkbarkman. I'm streaming Mondays and Wednesdays and Fridays now. I'm trying a new thing where I'm streaming some Friday nights. So if you're around in the Friday evenings and you want to hang out for the stream, check that out. Also go listen to Billbuds Pod and that's all for me. Erin, anything to plug?

Quick question. What's the last album you reviewed on Billbuds?

The last album that came out was... Michelle Branch.

Michelle Branch.

It's my go to karaoke song everywhere. The Spirit Room, which is a really good album. I like that album a lot.

Follow me, Erin Keif 10, on Instagram. If you message me, please give me like three or four weeks to respond. I try to do them all at once because it's overwhelming to just be constantly keeping up with that because I notice that sometimes someone will send me a nice message and if I don't respond in a couple of days, they'll delete it. And I promise I will get to it. Just give me a tiny bit of time and then I promise I will get to it.

Do you ever think it's like time sensitive stuff where they're like, Erin, please, I'm on the roof of a building and there is a escape hatch. There's a code.

The terrorists have my daughter. I know that you were good at solving puzzles.

So what is a number that also, Erin, Erin, and then, and then delete it.

Do you think that people send you messages when they're really drunk and then wait a few days and be like, let's see what kind of stuff I did in the book. Oh God. I want to piss on your feet. No answer, bitch.

Yeah, maybe they say something nice or anything. No one said piss on my feet yet. Please don't, but soon. Yeah, I promise I'll get to it. I just feel, yeah, just give me time. I promise.

I feel so bad for any woman on social media because it has to be 95% of the messages they get is piss on my feet.

You guys, I've gotten some of the weirdest shit.

Speaking of promising that we will get to it, famously, a trip to this planet could take quite a long time. And Erin, that planet would be... Piss feet.

Fuck, fuck, fuck forever. Jeopardy. Jupiter? Jeopardy! Is that a rant? Fuck, fuck, fuck forever.

Starting your achievement and John Patrick Coan. Casey Toney did the editing. Have already parented the...

Hey cool cats and droopy dogs. If you liked that episode, you are going to love this week's Patreon. We do some close quarters improv, which is improv in specific locations. You can listen to that by joining the Clue Crew or the Review Crew for $5 a month or $8 a month at Patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle.

That was a hate gun podcast.