Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a head gum podcast.

Your honor, in the case of delicious food versus the nation, I would like to call to the stand Hello Fresh.

I'll allow it. That's America's number one meal kit delivery system. Let's just skip those trips to the grocery store and make home cooking fun, easy and affordable.

I see your honor is familiar with Hello Fresh.

That won't influence the court decision though. I'm a partial observer. I'm a judge.

Well, Your Honor, I'm here to tell you that Hello Fresh's recipes are delicious. Now, Hello Fresh offers so many recipes to choose from each week to help break you out of your recipe rut. That's what the wife and I call getting in a recipe funk. We call it a recipe rut. There's something for everyone, including low calorie, vegetarian, vermin family recipes every week. Hello Fresh offers high fresh, high quality ingredients every week. But from a super flavorful experience, over 90% of the ingredients are sourced directly from growers. Rest my case.

Well, now, normally in a courtroom, your opening statement is not also your recipe of your case, but I love how you save time. It kind of reminds me of how HelloFresh saves you time. It's contactless delivery to your doorstep for easy home cooking with the family. They cut out that stressful meal planning and grocery store shopping so you can enjoy the food and get dinner on the table in just about 30 minutes. Or even 20 minutes with their quick recipe options.

Your Honor, I do want to say I applaud you. They are contactless deliveries. When they deliver my food, there was no Jodie Foster movies in sight. Case closed.

Your Honor, the jury's not normally supposed to talk. We're aware of that, but we've been talking and the jury has decided that we love HelloFresh and here's why. It's flexible. Your Honor, you can easily change your delivery days or food preferences and skip a week whenever you need. Feeding the whole family has never been easier with large box sizes for more servings and more savings. And you can keep your fridge stocked by adding extra proteins or sides like garlic bread to your weekly order, Your Honor. We're gonna sit back down. Juries aren't supposed to talk. I realize that now.

Now, before you make your verdict, before I make my verdict and you inform it with your decision, I want to put this item into evidence. Now, this is something that I had just the other night. This is chickpea-powered couscous with zucchini and grape tomatoes. Now, I know what you're saying.

Oh, gasp. Everyone in the court is gasping.

I know what you're saying. Coos Coos, is that something that's actually going to be good to eat, but I tell you it's one of the most delicious things I ever put my lips upon. And the fried crispy chickpeas, oh baby, they were so crispy and covered in just the right amount of spice.

Your Honor, if it pleases the court, go to hellofresh.com slash HeyRiddle80 and use the code HeyRiddle80 to get a total of $80 off, including free shipping on your first box.

Your Honor, that's absurd. Hold on, Your Honor, I object. $80 is so generous. I can't believe that's true.

Additional restrictions apply. Please visit hellofresh.com for more details. That's Hey Riddle 8-0.

All right. Well, it's time for me to read my verdict, and my verdict is... Wait, you don't want to hear from the jury? All right, fine. We can do that. Let's see. What was it going to be? What were you going to say, jury?

We were going to say sorry for talking earlier, Your Honor. And also, Hey Riddle 80 for $80 off.

And we find the defendant guilty of being amazing. What's a judge supposed to do if you're doing that?

The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Oh, then we're going to finish. It was the captain of an airplane. He stabbed him with an eye signal. Hello Riddle Riddle!

Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle

Okay, let me rub these sticks together and then throw them.

What are you two doing? Have a seat. Have a seat. Have a seat? What do you mean, have a seat? Fire. Fired. I'm sorry? You're being fired. Let go. You're firing me? Ugh, severance package.

Let's see if there's severance package over here. Ugh, 14 rocks. Health, 14 rocks. Dental rocks, dental health. That's actually not bad. Six weeks.

You should just quit. You'd save us a lot of money.

I'm not gonna fall for that. I already have a severance packet full of rocks right in front of me. I'm definitely not going to quit.

Don't you want to collect unenrockment?

That's bullshit. I'm not falling for this.

4-0-rock-k.

That's not part of quitting. I would actually lose the employer match is what I'm losing.

Can we ask you something? Sure, yes. Erin and I both cave people. Where are you from?

Family Guy, I think? I'm Family Guy Rifai. I'm Jay Peter Griffin C.

And I'm Erin Keif.

Stewie. Giggity giggity. And we are Hey Riddle Riddle. If you're joining us for the first time, we try and solve riddles and puzzles, and we do improvised scenes along the way. So, bootstrap in, fucker.

Yep. It's a roller coaster ride of riddles and emotions.

It's a roller coaster ride. Here's the thing. It's a roller coaster ride, and you have to be this dumb to ride.

That's pretty funny.

And also, side note, you're never too short to ride an emotional roller coaster. That's true. Little known fact.

I would also just like to shout out, if it is your first time listening, welcome. If it's not your first time listening, but you do like the show, go to iTunes and leave us a review. We would love a review. We just got a great review from a brand new listener on iTunes that was four stars. Again, not my favorite, but I'll take it. But what they said in the review was that it wasn't what they were looking for because they wanted something that was more riddle focused, but they're still listening. So I think that that's great.

Oh, that's nice.

It's a little bit like going to a Cracker Barrel and living with four stars and being like, not an Arby's. It's like, yep.

That is true. I would be disappointed if I thought, Hey Riddle Riddle was an Arby's and it wasn't an Arby's.

What is your favorite thing to get on our Arby's, Erin?

Hi Riddle.

Somebody posts that RB's stands for the letters RB, roast beef, and everyone loses their mind.

It stands for what?

If you want to get 500,000 likes, just wait four months and post that and people will lose their mind.

You mean a shrimp fried this Arby's? Erin, of course, the best item at Arby's is the curly fries. They're seasoned.

Are those gluten-free?

I can't imagine what they are.

Here's what I want to do. Well, we can do Arby's for a review crew.

Can you have a, yeah, the mystery of Arby's? Can you have a shake? You can have shakes, right?

Yeah, I don't want to, though.

Nobody wants to. That wasn't the question.

Erin, you can, this might sound crazy, you can have snacks, right?

Well, I am one, so that's cannibalism.

You are what you eat. I want to go around the horn and we're each going to say our favorite fast food restaurant. Long John Silver's for me. Yeah, it's just Long John Silver's.

It's so insane.

Oh, I love it. I can't get enough. It's so insane.

That's an essential part of your personality.

It's my favorite. Long John Silver's is the absolute best.

You should be buried in a Long John Silver's.

Well, hold on.

Spread your ashes at a Long John Silver's, we promise.

Marry me at sea. My favorite has to be Taco Bell because they have more vegetarian options, but they just sit away with all their potato items. They took them all off the fucking menu.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, fuck you Taco Bell.

And I'm also sorry because all I'm thinking about is us putting Adal's body in a rowboat, opening Long John Silver's door, pushing it in, and then shooting an arrow at it in the middle of a Long John Silver.

Marry me at sea plus fast food restaurants. I thought we were going to dunk him in the fryer. Slowly lower him as an organ place.

Yes. All I want to do is be turned into those little Krispies at the bottom of all their food baskets.

Well, I didn't discover my favorite fast food restaurant until my 20s, and it is Culver's. Culver's is a mate. Well, yeah. And I never had it until I lived in Chicago and started going on road trips with my friends. And I was like, what's this now?

When we were driving to Milwaukee to open up for Mumbai and Bam, I feel like we weren't running late, but I feel like we were on a pretty tight time schedule. Erin saw a sign for a Culver's and goes, can we get Culver's? And so we... Like a little kid? I want to say we flipped the car off the highway and landed on the roof. I don't know if that's 100% right.

No, I'm remembering that too.

Didn't we all get Culver's on the way back from that escape room too? Yeah, we did. That was nice. Yeah, we did. Yeah.

We really did feel like friends in that moment, just sitting at a Culver's.

Maybe it's on the way down. It was on the way down, I think.

And on the way back, we played 40 different song games. And we stopped at another Culver's.

That was an excellent night, I think. I learned a lot about JPC's family. We all became better friends. The day we drove to open for Mabimbam, we had recorded all morning starting at like 8 a.m.

Oh, that's right. That was the longest day in Hey Riddle Riddle history.

And we had had world news the night before, so I had just spent like 24 hours with you guys.

We recorded four episodes to bank a ton, and then we drove to Milwaukee to do a show in front of a live studio audience.

What a wild time.

What a wild time. Is everyone having a good week? When was that?

What'd you say? I don't know when that was.

I want to say that was November. I want to say that was the end of November.

That was the fall. Okay, okay. I can never remember what life was like before the end times. And so I'm like, when did we all drive in cars to a theater for people?

Have we all met before?

Why would we ever do that? How was everyone's week? Here's something I'll talk about that I don't think I've talked about on the podcast yet. Gemma and I are, we put in an offer for a house and today we had our inspection, which had to have been the most stressful, this was the most stressful morning of my life. They found some things.

A woman with a big white glove comes on and she like runs her finger over and then like kicks you with the dirt and it says, not very clean, is it Adal? This isn't my house yet.

Yeah, I went to dinner without bed. I went to dinner without bed. Oh boy. That's how rough of a day I'm having. Dinner without bed. Go. I want to sleep before I eat.

Please let me sleep. No. Dinner and then you'll stay awake till breakfast.

Um, I think it went well. The house we're hoping to buy, it's an amazing house, but it is, I think it's like 90 years old or 92 years old. So they found things that they were like, the guy was like, Hey, I found all this stuff, but for a house this age, this is very, very typical. So hopefully it all works out. We'll see.

Well, we're both so happy for you. It was so exciting when we found out that you had put an offer in.

We can't wait to come over to the house and visit in 2026. I thought you were going to say 20 years. I'll be bringing my grandkids. And if you're one of my kids and you're listening, get busy because Papa needs grandkids.

And there's something about the house that I won't share now, but if we get it, I'll share it.

It's very exciting. Yesterday in Chicago, we were actually supposed to record yesterday, but there was like a freak hundred mile per hour storm. And today I was walking out in my neighborhood and just seeing all the destruction. This thing fucked up the neighborhood, y'all.

I don't live around a lot of trees, what's the tree situation up north like?

The tree situation is, so obviously there were some trees, there's a lot of like old big trees in my neighborhood, obviously some trees struck by lightning and got like ripped up, but some trees looked like they straight up just blew down, like split in half blew down because the wind was so hard. I did walk past one tree that was in someone's porch, like it had gone into their house.

Oh my god, can you imagine? That's so scary.

It didn't, it would be terrifying. It did not look like it hit, it looked like it hit like an entryway. It didn't, I was wondering how the people could get out of their house. I'm assuming they must have a back door, but it was like their front door was fucked up.

You told me you found out that the tree that was trying to go into the house, that was actually an ant.

No, what I said was the tree was coming from inside the house. I thought I had fallen into the house. It was bursting out of the house. It was like, get me the fuck out of this house. The people in here are crazy.

Um, speaking of crazy, are we crazy to go ahead and only nine minutes in this launch into some riddies and buzzes?

I have something to say about my week, unfortunately. Oh, Erin, please!

Oh my gosh, yes. I had a- Erin, you have one minute-ish left because- Great. Ten minutes and we got it. And we've already burned 30 of it, so you have 20 seconds left. Ten?

Well, I have a crazy story. Okay. So I've been having a really bad week in general, but the icing on the cake was on Sunday. I was sitting, so connected to my building is this gated park. What's the next? And I'm outside with my dog, and she's on my feet and I'm petting her. And while I'm on the phone, this woman comes up to the game.

Erin, I am so sorry we're out of time. I appreciate you trying.

People are going to roast you. If you interrupt the lady telling a story, good luck to you the rest of the day on Twitter.

Rules are rules. All right, Adal, what do we have?

Oh my God. You guys, this is literally the only time I've had an absolutely crazy story to tell on the show.

Please, please finish.

This woman walks up to the gate and goes, while I'm on the phone, interrupts me and goes, excuse me, how old's your dog? And I was like, oh, she's two. And then I go back on the phone and she goes, excuse me, your dog is very cute. And she has the weirdest vibe and energy I've ever seen.

And I was like, OK. Where is she? She's in the fence?

No, she's outside of the fence. She's walking on the sidewalk on the outside, holding onto the fence, trying to get my attention with my dog. And I had seen her stop and ask about a dog before, so I was like, maybe she just really likes dogs. And I was like, thank you so much. Yeah, thank you. And then I'm continuing my phone call trying not to be rude to Arnie. And then I see this woman reach into her pocket, take out an unmarked gummy, and throw it directly at Lou.

No.

No. The most perfect aim I've ever seen. And it's this blue gummy, and it looks like a marijuana gummy. It doesn't look like a name brand anything. And Lou immediately eats it. And I know, I mean I was obsessed with looking at like the can't eat list for dogs and sugar-free gummies can kill them. Like a meat like like so toxic. They're in the top 10 things that dogs can't eat and also it could have drugs. So I'm on the phone with Arnie, and poor Arnie, it must have started terrifying, because I just was screaming like, did you just feed my fucking dog? And she takes off running in a dead sprint. And I'm just screaming, trying to get my dog to throw up, like digging in her mouth, can't get it out.

That person's trying to kill him.

Kill her, I'm sorry. I know, but we keep saying that someone tried to assassinate her this week.

You don't run if you're innocent.

I know. I know. And so I called and I'm telling you and you didn't want me to tell this story!

Erin, I am concerned when you said that this woman threw a gummy and she had the most perfect aim, was this woman Ken Griffey Jr. ?

Maybe.

Okay.

See, but here, but it was so disorienting because why? Holy shit. Someone, I don't even like the idea of someone giving my dog a treat on the street, even if they're with another dog. It's just like a bad vibe. Nobody feed anyone else's dog. It's bad news. Also, if you know anything about dogs, sugar-free gummies are so, they can kill them.

Just kill them. Why would you give a dog a gummy?

I don't, well, I think she was trying to hurt her.

If you really give a dog a gummy.

It's not like she was throwing her a treat and her vibe was, I'm telling you, weird and kind of scary. And not out of touch or socially unaware. Alert and nuts.

That's so strange.

So when you texted us on Monday that Lou was dead, is that what that meant?

No, no, no, no.

When you said they finally caught the dog park tosser, was that what you meant?

No, it's actually not what I meant.

That guy's still at large.

So in a complete panic, we rushed her to the emergency hospital. Is she okay? Yeah, and they made her throw up and they got the gummy out. And yeah, based on smell and everything, I think she gave her a marijuana gummy that if it had been sugar-free could have easily killed her or really fucked up her body for a while.

And Erin, to make a dog throw up, you typically describe foods that aren't another dog's ass, right?

Yeah.

And that grosses them out?

Yeah. You talk about how much you like cats, and they're like, oh, god. But isn't that crazy?

That is wild.

It's one of the weirdest moments of my life because of absolutely how I was telling my therapist today, like, my brain is constantly going over the worst case scenario of what can happen in any given moment. And I never in a million years thought I would be 15 feet away from a sidewalk. And a woman, also, she should go into some sort of sport that involved aim. I've never seen anything like it in my life. It was incredible.

If she's a professional dog assassin, it sounds like she's in the exact right field.

And I do have to step in and say, most sports involve aim, so... Whatever.

Not all of them. You're running towards the finish line.

Well, I guess... You're still aiming for the finish line.

Wait, there's some sports that don't involve aim.

Erin, truly the woman you described, if you had, if you described that character to David Lynch to put into Twin Peaks, he'd be like, too absurd. That's a bonkers, absolutely bonkers.

I've yelled at an old man once who was going into his pocket to get... It was obviously a lonely old guy who carried dog treats around with him. He tried to give spaghetti a dog treat and I was like, dude, no. What are you fucking doing? I was like, I don't know what that is. You're not going to feed my fucking dog something that I don't know what it is. He's like, it's a treat. It's like, I don't know you.

But, and I wouldn't even let a sweet, well-intentioned person feed my dog. You guys, isn't that crazy? I was so stressed out, I thought I might die.

That is wild. And JPC, I tried to say fuck you because you said I once yielded a lonely old man, and I was trying to pretend it was me. I yelled at a lonely old man, and he said, I'm you from the future! And I was like, good.

I'm ready for riddles. I needed to tell you guys that story.

We just got a two-star review that said, why aren't you not doing more riddles in this episode? So people are listening.

And here we go. And those are episode-specific. So go ahead, go to iTunes, leave us those episode-specific reviews. And please, folks, I'm trying.

I'm trying to get to these riddles. Erin, that story was phenomenal. All jokes aside, I don't want you to think that I did not want to hear that story.

It's crazy.

Let's do some warm-up release and puzzies. Here we go. How many P's are there in a pint? One. One. Okay, explain.

The letter pint. The letter P. The word pint. The letter P. The letter P in pint.

Incorrect. There's 837 P's can fit into a pint. It's kind of fun. What do you mean fun?

That's not real.

No, there's one. There's the letter P. Oh, great. You two are geniuses. What do you want from me?

Did we really get it? So the misdirect was we were trying to think of how many peas could fit into a pie. Uh-huh.

Well, I want to see a scene. And the two of you are college roommates, and you're just two peas in a pod. And everything you do, you describe in tasty foods. And one of you is a mountain lion.

Okay, hold on. And it's 1924. No. Oh my god, wait, are you going to class? Uh, yeah, I have like a 1030 econ.

No! No, don't go, don't go, don't go!

Sarah, I don't want to go, but it's econ. I kind of have to go. Why don't you just come with me? You never go to any classes.

No, I'll just explain the economy to you so you can stay.

Uh, okay. Yeah, I mean, if you truly, here's the textbook, if you truly think that you can get, it's a macro econ.

Great. Let me just peruse. Awesome. What do you want to know?

I guess let's just start with big picture. What is macroeconomics?

Okay, great. So the big picture on the front of this book is less of a picture and more just as macroeconomics.

But there is a picture.

Yeah, and it is of dollar signs and question marks.

All right everyone, have a seat. For today's presentation, these two are going to explain to us, as per their assignment, what macroeconomics is.

So I'm not technically in this class, but this is my roommate. So I am going to be- But she's my bestie.

She's my bestie. And she said she wanted to work on this project with me. Claire, thank you so much for being here with me.

We do everything together. I'm going to silently act out what Jenny says.

Nice. Yes. Claire is going to be interpreting, a la a short-form game, what I am saying through her actions. This is going to translate super well. I know this is being recorded for a podcast for class. This is going to translate super well to the podcast. Great. Here we go. Macroeconomics. Well, there's two types of economics. There's dollar signs and question marks. And if the dollar signs... A plus. I don't need to hear anything more. A plus. My dad's a senator. Same.

The perfect button to any scene. My dad's a senator. Erin was acting it out for everyone who will never see it. I can bet. We'll turn that video into audio. Here we go. Here's the next warm up, Riddy. I drive men mad for the love of me. Easily beaten, never free. What am I? I drive men mad, Jon Hamm, for the love of me, easily beaten, never free. What am I? I want to say, I don't want to get in trouble for this, but I want to say dap pussy. Yes, that pussy is easily beaten, but never free. Yes. Is that pussy, which is my favorite French electronica duo, dapped pussy.

Yeah, I agree with JPC. That does sound like a line from WAP.

What did you say, Erin?

I agree with JPC.

And can you say it?

No money. Okay, here's the thing.

Eggs.

It's not eggs.

It's easily beaten, never free.

But it doesn't drive people mad.

Butter? I want to see a scene. JPC, you and I are a couple about to get romantic and both of us are trying to get romantic and we are very passionate, very much in love, very much both want this, but we have a hard time talking dirty.

Hey, hold on, hold on. I just want to, before we get into it, I just want to look at you. I just want to read your book ass with my eyes.

Oh my gosh, here. And I'm going to take off my shirt and show me, Benny.

Yeah. Ooh, I want to see that part of you where your back meets your butt.

Oh yeah, you like that?

Yeah, that's the sexiest part.

You want to cough on my dick?

Okay folks, so we are in the middle of a Best Buy, so we're gonna have to ask you to leave.

What?

We're making a purchase. We're gonna ask us to leave because we're being too naughty.

Yeah, you're sort of making out mostly naked in the middle of a Best Buy.

We were gonna buy this three-doors-down CD, or one of these three-doors-down CDs.

See, that's not really big enough of a purchase to let you... If you're gonna buy one of these flat screens, then you can do whatever you want.

Speaking of flat screens, I'm gonna put my Toshiba in his... Alright, Mark, hold on.

Mark, hold on. I'm in the middle of a transaction. Any of these flat screens, even this 18-inch?

No, no, no. One of these flat screens.

Speaking of 18 inches... Mark, come on, grow up. You wish.

I'm trying to grow up. This happens to everyone.

Okay, one of these. Any one of the top shelf? Ooh, these are big. Yikes, that's a price tag. How is anyone paying $16,000 for a TV?

They're not. Please loot this store.

I'm going to place my cold balls on my own forearm.

Hey Mark, it's not cute.

Okay? I don't know what I'm doing. I've never had sex.

Alright, we're actually gonna start projecting this and now it's on all the screens.

I drive men mad for the love of me. Easily beaten, never free. What am I? Cash. Cash money. You're getting closer. Cash monkey? The lottery. Just like Clive Owen, you're closer. It's not the lottery? It's not the lottery. Sudoku puzzles. No. Colder. Colder.

Colder. Warmer.

Banks. Warmer. What do you beat?

What, Banks is warmer? Colder. Beat the odds.

Stock market. Sorry, I'm talking to Gemma about our nest. Colder. Warmer. 71. Just put it on 71.

She's just drawing me a bath. Colder, warmer, colder.

It's a bath that doesn't have delicate temperature controls.

I'm just dumping more water into other water. Yeah, and why are we all playing Stewie Griffin? I drive men mad for the love of me, easily beaten, never free. Die hard. What am I? I don't know. We are warm with banks.

Or money.

Who said warm with banks?

You said warm with money.

Erin said banks and you said warmer.

Yeah. Banks, money, you're warmer.

Okay, okay. Is banks warmer than money or is banks colder than money?

It's about equal. I'd say money is slightly warmer.

Okay, well that's not what you said in fact.

She said lottery and then bank.

I know everyone's mad right now, but I really like it here.

Wait, I'm sorry. Agent Cody Banks, warmest.

Oh, uh, okay, so spy. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Frankie Munin is.

Frankie Munin is.

That's not Malcolm in the Middle. Uh, no, it's definitely not.

Um, Malcolm in the Middle is, um, what's the theme song? Whoever thinks of it first.

They might be giants. Yeah.

Uh, yes, no, maybe. That's right. I don't know. They call me Dr. Worm.

Mm-hmm. Uh... Okay, I'm gonna give you one more hint. Give me a hint. I love Gold? Gold! Baby back ribs? Gold. I drive men mad for the love of me, easily beaten, never free. Gold is a very malleable medal.

I would like to see a scene. You two have gone west for the gold rush, and you're sifting, what is it called?

Panning for gold?

Yeah, but there's a, what's a, I'll think of it later. You're doing that, and someone finds something that isn't gold, but is pretty interesting.

Carl, I'm telling you, we can't stop here. We should go to California, okay? Virginia has no gold.

Virginia's far enough, okay? All those other fools are rushing out to California. We're gonna find our gold right here in this here Virginia River. All right, let's put my little sifter down here.

Wait, what is that called? What's that? What is that called?

I've been calling it a colander because I know that's what you do with like pastas and spaghettis and stuff like that, but I don't know what it's called. A colander? It's colander? Yeah. Huh? You never heard of a colander?

No.

What do you call one of these? Call it a sifter. And I call it panning for gold. What? No, a sifter has much smaller holes in it and that's like used for like flour, like sifter, sifter.

Never knew how much I missed her.

I don't get that reference.

It's probably a song someday.

Anyway, let's, okay, pan for the gold. Oh, wait, wait. You see that glint?

What is that?

Holy shit, I guess I do see that glint. The glint in your eye that I've never seen and I'm recognizing now for the first time.

I think I'm pregnant.

How? Well, we both know how. Well, I mean, first of all, what the two of us do together cannot result in a pregnancy.

Oh yeah? Well, how about I, how about I mush my mashed potatoes into your side?

I'm sorry, I excuse me, sir, the blue shirt. Uh, can we get this three doors down CD and an album format?

Get out. Here we go. We're going to do, um, we're going to do two more warmups. Next one is a sundial has the fewest moving parts of any timepiece, which has the most. A sundial has the fewest moving parts of any timepiece, which is none. Which timepiece has the most? The peace sign.

A stop pocket watch, regular clock.

I'm so sorry, it did stop. It did stop. You think the sun has the least amount of moving parts?

No, I said there's the most amount.

Wait, it has the most? You think the sun has the most amount of moving apart? Particles. Yeah, dummy.

Sun's are humongous. Have you ever seen close-up pictures of the sun? There's fucking shit happening up there. It is a party up there. There is movement.

It's moving fast.

We're not a bunch of rocks up there. We are hot, hot heat up there.

I gotta see a scene. Erin, you are a teenage woman who has just gotten stoned for the first time, and you are suddenly super interested and hypothetically informed on what's happening on the sun, and it's really blowing your mind.

Hey, Dad.

Oh, yeah, Tina.

Can I borrow the ladder from the garage?

Can you borrow the ladder?

Are you taking it somewhere? Yeah, well, yeah. I'm using it to get somewhere.

What, did you lose a ball up on the roof or something? Is there something I can help you do?

No, I'm gonna put the ladder on top of the roof.

I'm sorry, you're gonna take the ladder to the roof and then put the ladder on top of the roof? Tina, what's going on?

I don't really have time for this dad. There's only about like three hours of daylight left.

Uh, Tina, I'm starting to get a little bit concerned. What are you trying to do with the ladder on the roof?

Oh, Dad, you never let me do anything fun or go to any fun parties. Here's the thing. I got a little high on the moon, and I googled the surface of the sun, and it looks like an absolute time and a half, and I'm rip-roaring to go. I'm going to climb up, and I'm going to reach, reach, reach, and then I'm going to make it to the sun.

Tina.

What?

Okay, first of all, the marijuana thing. I'm not upset, but it is something that we will talk about. Second of all, you think that you're going to be able to get to the sun by climbing a ladder from the roof? Tina, that's never going to work. What we need to do is we need to build a ramp and then hit that ramp with the car. By the way, Full disclosure, I did find a little bit of your marijuana, and I smoked a little bit first time for myself.

I'm not mad about that, and we will talk about that later, but I don't think the ramp's gonna work.

We have to talk about that later.

I think she's gonna double bounce me on a trampoline.

I'll drive my car into the trampoline.

Adal, we're gonna figure this out.

If you let us do this, we'll figure out a way to the sun. A sundial has the fewest moving parts of any timepiece. Which has the most?

A regular clock. That is incorrect.

The hand has how many bones?

The hand bones connected to the car bones. My hand bones connected to you, dick bone. I'm jerking you off in a closet. Please be silent when you come.

And that's your rejection for America's Fondest Childhood Memories.

America's Fondest Memories. You might be a star tonight, so let that camera show. Here's my favorite thing about America's Funniest Videos is every single time it's like a cat jumps out of a couch and then it's Bob Saget being like, and then they pan to the audience losing their mind or it's like a parrot doing something and he's like,

You probably want a radio? Well, we didn't have the internet then, Adal.

Also, all of those studio audience, they were pumping in O2, so you were fucking slap-happy high as shit for all of those things.

Ooh, just like casinos in Vegas. Um, Erin, somebody gave an answer. What'd you say?

A car.

Hands a car. You think a car. What timepiece... Okay, explain that.

Well, there's like a clock connected to a car. I don't know.

I mean, I'll take it. It's got the most moving parts? Yes. A sundial has the fewest moving parts of any timepiece, which has the most. So what you have to do is you have to really rack those brains about different types of timepieces throughout time.

So... Big Ben!

Okay. There's clocks, obviously. There's watches. Seems like you can't stop talking about clocks.

There's pocket watches. Okay. Still, is that the clock? Yeah, another type of clock. There's digital clocks, sure, like future.

A brain. I don't know if you know this, but in the years zero to, I don't know, 1438 when the Texas Instruments calculator was born, they had to use an avocas because calculators were not invented. So this is along those lines. So before, think before watches, before digital clocks, before clocks in general. So, but in between sundails. Is it before sundails? It's probably the same time or maybe a little after.

So one guy was like, I got this thing, it's called a sundial that tells me exactly where the sun is in the sky. And the other guy was like, I got one that's way more fucking complicated.

Well I'll tell you something, it definitely has the most moving parts and it even has a measurement of time in the title. Is it a Timex watch?

Is it a person holding their hands up like a clock? That's our new t-shirt.

Yeah, a J.P.C. thing. That's a thing.

That's a windmill. It's a cartoon cat moving its hands. It's Felix the Cat.

How do people tell time?

Is it a t-t-t-time, Bob? So you think in between sundials and watches is a time machine?

Yeah, I mean, whenever the time machine goes back, that's what it is in time.

So... HD Wells is what I meant. Fucking Orson Wells.

Orson Wells. Attack of the time machines.

Boy, I don't want to give it to you because you're so close. But I feel like we have to move on. It has the word time in it? It has a measurement of time in it. So think about the different measurements of time. No. Minute. No. Hourglass.

Hourglass. It's an hourglass. The sand is the moving parts in the hourglass.

With thousands of grains of sand, the hourglass has the most moving parts of any timepiece.

Like sand to an hourglass, these are the times of our lives.

We're going to be like a bad hourglass and take a break. Mm-hmm. Or about anything, really. Yeah, that's fair. Well, good employees every four hours.

Four hours? Right?

Do we have to take a 15-minute break?

I think if they have a union, maybe. You should take a break and stop looking at your screen for 10 minutes of every hour. You shouldn't just stare directly at your screen all day.

I never take a break because I freaking love capitalism.

Well, with that, we'll take a quick break. Hey, Adal, Erin, you know how on the Patreon, not the main feed on the Patreon, we kind of do these crazy quiz episodes and things like that? I have an idea for a Patreon, okay? Get this. It is a sleep quiz. Now what it is is that you take a sleep quiz, it just takes two minutes to complete, but it's a Patreon episode, so we'll obviously stretch it out to like 50 minutes, and it matches your body type and sleep preferences to the perfect mattress for you.

And the title of the Patreon episode... Okay, this is sounding familiar.

Helix Sleep Quiz.

I knew I recognized that. That does sound familiar because I have taken that sleep quiz.

You have?

Uh-huh.

Erin, do you remember? Are you a side sleeper, a hot sleeper? Do you like a plush bed, a firm bed?

Honestly, and this is not a joke, all of the above. I'm a side sleeper, I'm a hot sleeper, and I kind of like both a plush and a firm bed. So a medium mattress is the way to go for me.

Helix Sleeps says there's no more confusion, but obviously you have a lifetime of confusion to look forward to, but there's no more compromising on an average mattress, because Helix Sleep was one of the number one best overall mattress pick of 2019 by GQ and Wired magazine, and those two agree on nothing.

I also took the sleep quiz, and what I found out is that I love the movie Sleepers.

Oh yeah, I love the movie Rounders. And if you want to find out what movie you love the most, go to helixsleep.com slash Riddle. That's helixsleep.com slash R-I-D-D-L-E. Take the two-minute sleep quiz and they will match you to the best mattress that you've ever had in your entire life. Plus they have a 10-year warranty. Yes, you can.

That was the only one to tell you my favorite part, and it's that they have a 10-year warranty. And you can try it 100 nights risk-free, and that's my favorite part.

And even if you live in Alaska where the night never ends and it's like 24 hours of darkness, it's still... And vampires. And if you want to get your own vampires, Helix Sleep is also offering $200 off all mattress orders for our listeners at helixsleep.com slash riddle. That's helixsleep.com slash riddle for up to $200 off.

JPC, can I say one more thing? Sure. Oh, from Sleepers.

JPC, can I say one more thing?

Absolutely.

Helixsleep.com slash Riddle. Adal, JPC.

Yes.

I know what you're thinking. Erin's birthday is coming up. What do I get the girl who seems to have everything?

I'm sorry, we said every disease.

Oh. Well, I'm just saying, like, if you need a list of things that I want for my birthday, I have one at the very tip top of my list.

Would you like to know what it is? Hopefully it's this hamster that I bought you.

No, throw that in the ocean. Now that that's over with, I want to tell you that I want a sofa from all form. And I don't just want one, I want you to get one too.

Okay. I already have one.

And it's amazing.

It's my favorite couch I've ever had. Well, all right. Settle.

I'm sorry, I'm just really excited because my birthday is three months away.

Can I tell you, as an owner of an all-form sofa, can I tell you what makes it really cool? For starters, it's the easiest way you can customize a sofa using premium materials and a fraction of the cost of traditional stores. So I went online, Gemma and I got the teal sofa, it's a double chaise, every single component I customized, and then it arrived in like eight little boxes and I just snapped it all together. It was the easiest thing I've ever done.

I got a store bought sofa and I went into the store and a guy beat the shit out of me for like 10-12 hours. It was an awful experience and way too risky.

Was the store shaped like an octagon? Yes. Yeah, you stepped into an MMA octagon.

That makes more sense. That makes more sense. Well, don't get yourself from a store.

You fought sofa Sullivan.

Pretty good. We also, do you know who started Allform?

Yes.

Helix. We love Helix.

We love Helix.

Helix Sleep has created Allform and they make quality mattresses and now they make quality sofas.

Isn't it true that they also offer a forever warranty that an elf whispers into your ear and gives you a warranty that is immortal?

Yes.

Backed you into that one.

Well, if you're jealous of Adal, like I am, I wonder if you can, I wonder if we have like a deal for them at home.

Well, even if we don't, why don't we just make one up? Why don't we just say like go to allform.com slash Riddle. That's allform.com slash R-I-D-D-L-E and then get, I'm going to throw a random number out there and they're going to have to commit to it. 20% off all orders for all of our listeners.

Wow, and you have 100 days to decide if you want to keep it, so it sounds like a no-brainer.

We just bullied them into giving us a promo code. That's 20% off for all of our listeners. That's right, all 500 of you can go to allform.com slash riddle and get 20% off.

Allform.com slash riddle.

Oh crap, guys, the hamster's back from the ocean and it's pissed.

I got this.

And we are back in time. Everybody ready to do some main... Oh, Erin? Yes?

I'm ready, but I have a question for my two sweet boys. Adal and JPC.

Camden Braden.

Here's mommy. Did I not tell you I do sweet boys, sweet sons? I'm having a, there's a huge debate happening on my family group chat. It's not just immediate family, there's some extended family involved. My brother in law Mitch is having a debate with my sister about what... His wife? His wife. About what Daniel Day Lewis movie is the most iconic.

Okay.

And it's blowing up. Every five seconds in the corner of my screen, I'm just seeing a thing in all caps with exclamation points.

Okay, okay. There's a definite right answer to this.

Well, I know, and I want you two and then our listeners to settle the debate for us.

As a massive Daniel Delos fan, having seen every one of his movies, except for I've never seen Gandhi, and I believe he makes a small appearance in that, and I've never seen my beautiful laundrette.

Laundry? Which I think is his first movie. Gandhi's like three and a half hours long too, right?

Gandhi's very long. In The Name of the Father and The Boxer and Last of Mohicans are probably my three favorite of his movies, but his most iconic role, is it his most iconic role or most iconic movie?

Both. I'd say movie.

Okay, I have to say 100% it's There Will Be Blood.

Okay, JPC?

You're going to say nine. Part of this I feel like maybe is going to be age dependent, like however old you are or like when you cut your teeth maybe on Daniel Day Lewis. I was going to say, my gut was going to say gangs of New York.

He's just covered in bite marks.

You cut your teeth? Well, no skin off my teeth, which is, I don't understand. Yeah, I would say Gangs of New York. I mean, maybe there would be blood is the more iconic one, but I don't know. To me, I see Daniel Day-Lewis's Bill the Butcher. That's how I see Daniel Day-Lewis.

The best line in that whole movie is when he throws the axe and goes, oopsie daisy, which is just fantastic.

Wait, what was your, what did you say your favorite tour, Adal?

In the name of the Father is absolutely incredible. The Boxer and Last of the Mohicans. Which Last of the Mohicans isn't It isn't like an incredible movie, but the soundtrack, and it was also the very first Andrew Lewis movie I saw because my mom was obsessed with it.

That's the one that Mitch says is the most iconic, but I think he really just loves that movie. It's not the most iconic, that is wrong. It definitely is not the most iconic.

It's maybe the best film score. I remember having that score on CD because I loved it so much, but I love, I'll never not watch that, but I feel like There Will Be Blood is absolutely, and that's the one he won the Oscar for.

And that's the one, I was just saying to Mitch, I haven't heard anyone reference Last of the Mohicans in maybe a decade.

I was in love with the sister in that. So there's Madeline Stowe, who plays the lead sister, and then she has a younger sister. I was absolutely in love with that woman, but I don't know the actress's name.

But I have heard people mention There Will Be Blood about 40 times in the last year. And we talk about it on this podcast all the time.

Here's my thing with There Will Be Blood. There was way more blood in Gangs of New York. Gangs of New York being called There Will Be Blood?

There will be blood in New York?

There will be blood in New York colon gang fight. Nine. Hashtag nine.

This one's about gangs.

Comma. The movie. Now I want to watch There Will Be Blood. Great movie. Shia LaBeouf. Great actor. Let's do some long forum riddies and puzzies. Here we go. Alexander Spinn.

Did you say Shia LaBeouf? Great actor. Shia LaBeouf. What are you talking about?

At the end of last Lincoln's. I was really hoping that I would just skate by and no one would be like... At the end of last Lincoln's.

He was great at that. He was great at that. They hide in a waterfall behind a Shia LaBeouf. Alexandra spends her day making people wince, sometimes scream in pain. But people seek her out and pay her money to do this work. Sometimes her client may even bleed a little, but they almost always come back for more.

Dentist.

Dog assassin.

Oh God.

It is a dog assassin. Which is, Erin, who you ran into. You ran into the John Wick of dog assassins.

Yeah, I couldn't believe it. I keep looking at Lou being like, someone wanted you dead?

People think that John Wick is such an amazing movie, but the fucking monetary system in John Wick makes no fucking sense to me.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Have we talked about this? One coin for fucking everything? It's like here's a coin for a tip.

Here's a coin for a week in a hotel. One coin buys him in common a cocktail, like a Sazerac, and then another coin buys him a car. And it's like, what are we doing? Dude, I wish that was the way money would work. It's bullshit. It's absolute bullshit. The first time I saw John Wick 1, I was like, I love this movie. It's deeply flawed. I want to see a scene.

John Wick is also the opposite of a dog assassin because he kills people who kill dogs. He wants to get revenge.

I want to see a scene. Erin, you are Erin. The police have caught your dog assassin who was in that park and you are in a prison sale, which is like a yard sale. You're in a prison cell. JPC is the dog assassin. He's handcuffed to a table and you are kind of interrogating or trying to get some closure or some answers. Yeah, this is what they let civilians do. Erin, only if you're comfortable doing this.

No, it's great.

Okay.

First things first, I'm not sure why I'm in the prison cell, but if you could go grab that key.

You can leave anytime you want. Sorry, I locked it.

It's actually, it's locked. Can you unlock it? Me?

Yeah, of course. Are you talking to me? No, no, no. Here we go. Sorry, I'll open it. She can leave if I have to stay. Yeah, I'll open it.

Kermit.

Yeah?

Unlock the door, and then I need a moment alone.

Yeah, okay. Here you go, here's the keys. Thank you.

So, you caught me. I guess my old dastardly plan is laid bare before me. Well, what do you want to know? I'm an open book, you see. Who hired me? Is that your first question? This isn't my first rodeo and I've been in this position many times before. I was hired by Sean.

I'm sorry, I'm on the phone. I'm on the phone again and you're interrupting me again. Me too.

No me too, I'm on the phone too. Very good, very good. So we said dentist and dog assassin, you're both wrong. That's an even better answer than the real answer is.

What is it? That's not the real answer. Tattoo, tattoo artist is the best answer. But it's very, very, very hot. I would like to see a scene. Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. Like someone piercing?

Adal, you just gave, or no, JPC, you just gave Adal a full back tattoo and it doesn't look very good, but you're really trying to like sweeten the deal like you're trying to make him feel better about it and being positive.

Okay. Okay, I'm gonna let you up off the table now, and then I got the two mirrors here, so you let me know how you think.

Or what you think. Okay, um, huh. So in one of these mirrors I look super short, and in the other one I look super distorted.

Yes, so the carnival here at Carnival Tescue will do it your way, but then if you don't want the carnival mirrors, we can just move over to the other side of the room and we can just use the regular mirrors. And I trust, since we're on this cruise, that there's no sort of bumpage or anything. It's all on the cruise, it's very choppy, but here in this room, the way that the room was built, there's no tilt.

Okay, great. Okay, let me... Oh boy, this does not look great. Okay. I asked for a picture of a bottle and it says, Mom, Mom, I love you, and this looks like an otter eating out a unicorn.

Okay, so when you said, Picture a bottle. I thought that was a starting place for what I was to picture mentally before I went to your tattoo. And I pictured a bottle of Jack James. Wait, wait, wait, don't try and walk out of the door.

You're turning the knob of the door.

Oh, this? No, this is not my supplies closet. Never mind. Okay, I didn't even want to go in here. So I pictured a bottle of whiskey, drank it, drank a real bottle of whiskey, and then started to give you the tattoo. But what I had just watched was Paw Patrol. Okay. On the unicorn's tummy it says, I'm French. Great. So are you familiar with the concept of French dressing? It's French dressing and French dressing in one dressing. And you can make it by just dumping the bottles and then mixing it.

So why does the unicorn think it's French?

Great. Because... No, no, no, no. You're not going anywhere. I was thinking I might need to get my supplies out of the closet. This is the exit. I don't even want to go here. I'm totally committed to talking to you. So the unicorn was French because that type of dressing is so hard to find. What else is hard to find? Unicorn. It's one of the most rare animals in the world.

Okay and the unicorn's horn is a pointy-headed French steward.

Okay, yes. So, third rock from the side, hugely influential TV show to be. John Lithgow. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Back, back, back, back, back. Did you not say let's go? You wanted to sit here and finish this conversation? Nobody said that. Nobody said let's go. I swear to God. Okay, I'm not crazy. So anyway, Lithgow. Loved him in Dexter. That was the last great season of Dexter, right?

Who do I blame for that? What's that? We all agree that Jimmy Smiths was all downhill.

Yeah, I think Jimmy Smits, was that the season after or the season before?

I can't remember. Continue? I think it was the season before.

So, did you even watch Dexter? I lied, no I didn't. I can't have this conversation with someone who hasn't watched Dexter. Why don't you take some time to think about it. This is my fault. This is my fault. Watch Dexter. It's fucked up because the woman who he, in real life, marries, plays his sister on the show who he's also attracted to and in the last season they're already divorced. Watch.

Are you kidding me? The young cartoon scientist? What did I do? Do they fuck in that laboratory?

They must.

You ever watched Deckter's Laboratory? That is my favorite Hey Riddle Riddle scene of all time. I'm not even kidding. I have tears.

Tears are rolling down my face. Very close to a tattoo artist. I think you guys can get it. I'll give you like 15 seconds.

I'm still freaking out about that. I can't even hear any. Did you not say let's go? I'm not crazy.

Is it a piercing artist? Like a Clares? It is. It's basically a tattoo artist, basically. But there's no... But you're not walking away with any ink.

Oh, is it one of those clowns that does the face paint on you at a festival?

Oh boy, I think you were... I think someone tried to kill you. Hina? Is it Hina? Close. It is a acupuncturist. But I like tattooists. Tattoo I think is better.

I want to see a scene. I am a preteen and I'm about to get my ears pierced at Claire's. And JPC you're about to pierce my ears and your bedside manner is probably not the best.

Okay you can still get pregnant from preteen. Thank you. Thank you Adal, thank you. Okay, my name's Adam. I'm going to be your piercing specialist today. Okay. Oh, what's wrong?

I just don't like needles very much and I just, I want to get this over with.

Okay. Well, if you're going to be like a little fucking baby, we don't have to do it.

No, no, I'm not a baby.

I can give you your $8 back.

No, no, no.

You can have the $8.

I'm not a baby. I'm in the sixth grade. I'm a big kid.

Okay. I see that your dad's here with you?

Yeah.

He's not gonna fucking do anything, are ya?

No, no sir.

I'm sorry. Did you have baby too? Yes sir, I'm sorry sir. Did you have baby? If you're such a baby, why aren't you eating this can of baby food?

Dad, just do it.

Okay.

Just do what he says.

Ah, ah, metal. Ah, metal. Ah, metal. Oh, it's stuck. It's stuck in my throat. It's stuck in my throat. The can was open.

He didn't have to eat the whole... Okay, so yeah, we can pierce your ears. Let's see. Do you know what kind of gauge you want? I only have 11s. I only have 11s.

No, I just want like these little diamond studs.

Okay, well these will fall right through a fucking 11 gauge. That's gonna go right, the diamond studs, it's like done in a basketball.

Sorry, I was walking through. Did somebody call for me? Did someone say Nicholas Cage?

I don't want him piercing my ears either.

Here, give me the needle.

I'm a huge fan. Here's the needle.

Put the bunny down. Kidding. Here we go. What are you? Where am I going with this?

Wait, are you John Travolta or Nick Cage?

Sandy? Face off. Huh?

What?

What? Who? Cage.

Oh, you did it! I didn't even feel it! Thank you, Nicholas Cage!

You're welcome. Now that's an American hero. Scene.

I wish Nicholas Cage worked at Claire's. What if you went to the mall and you just looked over and Nicholas Cage was working at Claire's?

That's a weird undercover boss thing where like... I'd give it 10 months. What's he up to? Nothing.

I'll give it 10 months and I will see Nicolas Cage working it, Clarence.

At one point he had like 11 houses and he like lost a bunch of money because he had investments and stuff.

Didn't he buy a dinosaur skull?

He bought a T-Rex skull for like a million and a half dollars. He bought the Laluri House, which is like the most haunted house in America that American Horseroo was based off of. Yeah, and he lost it all. Here's what I remember. There was a movie that he was attached to that was coming out, but I can't remember the... I can't remember the name of it. A tiger who's uncircumcised.

A lion with a library book.

A lemur with an overdue book.

Da da da da da da. An iguana who loves smash mouth. Da da da da da da. A zebra with a comb over. Da da da da da da.

A goldfish wearing a basketball on his head.

Da da da da da. A shark who doesn't swim so well. Da da da da da da. A mango tree with a mango on it. Animal Parade. Hello, it's our favorite snake, Mammawal Parade. We have an article here to kick off our animal parade. This is from Rich Roberts who said we can use his full name.

Can we just anonymize it a little bit and just call them Rob Richards?

Yes, this is from Rob Richards. Thank you, Rob. Says, my dog once ate what I estimate to be around three pounds of wood chip mulch, and we burned our vacation money for that year getting her stomach pumped. Also, here's an article on sheep.

Oh my god, that's crazy!

What a weird cold open to an email. But weirdly on topic for today's show. If you ever have an article for us to read for an Animal Parade segment, please send that to hrrpodcastatgmail.com. Hey, don't forget to include your depressing dog facts. And put it in the subject line Animal Parade. So here is an article about animals. This is from BBC.com. Heard of it. And speaking of herd, the title of this article is, sheep are not stupid, and they're not helpless either. This is clearly written by a sheep. Sheep are not stupid and they're not helpless either. Sheep are one of the most unfairly stereotyped animals on the planet.

A British sheep sat in a typewriter and sent this in.

I'll see a scene. Adal, you are giving a press conference about some local happenings. There's going to be several journalists in the crowd asking questions. Erin, you are going to be one of those journalists. You are obviously a sheep disguised as a person.

So if anyone doesn't know, here in Talishah we've had some break-ins. There's been some raccoons who have been able to undo latches in the back porch. Yes, yes, yes.

Yes, Mary's lamb from the Baba times.

Oh, I'm unfamiliar.

I just ate my notebook, but I would like to say, it seemed very unfair how we're treating sheep in this town. Steady. Steady. I'm definitely not standing on top of a sheep under me, so I'm the size of a man.

Okay. Richard Masters, BBC One, are there any culprits? Have you ever ended any culprits?

Oh, I have to say, I love I Am Legend. What was your question? Have you apprehended any culprits? We have yet to apprehend any culprits, but we do know that raccoons of trash. So we've put out some trash cans over on Elm and 2nd Street, and we're waiting to see if we can catch someone who matches the paw prints.

Excuse me, here it's Marriage Jeep from Baba Times again. I'm sorry, why are we talking about raccoons? They are small and I see I'm looking around and everyone here is wearing a wool coat and I'm not saying that you should say thank you to the sheep, but I'm just saying.

Yes, I'm just talking about the sheer facts here. These are the sheer facts and I'm speaking to them. What?

Wow. If a sheep was here, thank God there's no sheep here.

Oh, okay.

Are there any other questions about the- Steady.

Steady. Richard Masters, BBC One. I do have a question. Is she a sheep? It appears to be a sheep.

No, I am a human woman in a long coat with little sheep feet at the bottom and I'm not standing on top of my brother crushing him to death.

You keep moving forward three feet, and then backwards three feet, and you're bending at your back and stomach at a 45 degree angle.

You also said your last name was Sheep, and you said you were from the Baba Times. I have done a quick Google. Baba Times appears to be a real paper. It is a sheep paper for sheep.

They don't hire just sheep at the Baba Times. I'm a human woman. Here to say, why aren't we talking about the sheep?

In other news, local news, the Who have decided to rename Baba O'Reilly to Teenage Wasteland to make it less confusing. She's a sheep. Sheep are one of the most unfairly stereotyped animals on the planet. Almost everything we believe about them is wrong. This is by Harriet Constable. Fake name. And it's not even an article, it's just a list here. It says, Reputation. Sheep are stupid, defenseless, and harmless creatures that mope about on hillsides doing not very much.

I mope about! I'm a sheep! I mope about!

They are good for two things, being eaten and producing wool. And then the next part says, Reality. Sheep are actually surprisingly intelligent with impressive memory and recognition skills. They build friendships, stick up for one another in fights, and feel sad when their friends are sent to slaughter.

What the fuck?

This is a weird turn. They are also one of the most destructive creatures on the planet. And then it totally drops that. And then it moves on. Intelligent, complex, sociable, all words we would quickly assign to humans, but would not dream of extending to sheep. Those fluffy, white creatures you see milling about in fields were served up with mint sauce on your dinner plate. I can't continue reading this because it gets crazier from here. I thought the BBC was like the world's most trusted source for news.

I mean this seems like a BBC opinion type of thing. This is fucking wild.

Are you telling me there are sheep out there moping about because they know their friend just got murdered and eaten?

Why do we keep doing research on animals that we are eating? It's like we just got back some preliminary data. It looks like pigs can have families, and they do feel sad when their families are taken from them. Why?

Why do we need to know this? Liam Neeson, I do want to say, here's just a sentence further down in the article. Here's just one sentence. Sheep have erotic preferences. Eight percent are homosexual.

8%? Wow!

I just love erotic preferences.

Oh my god, what are some of these erotic preferences?

I guess it does make sense. Do sheep have like a Kinsey scale? Where it's like, they're like, sheep, would you identify yourself as gay? But like, uh, gay? Like, am I? No. Like, do I, do I feel, when I see Tom Hardy in a movie, do I get an erection? Yeah. Am I gay? I don't think so. I don't, wouldn't qualify that.

You think that they're gay for humans?

I'm sorry, sheep party.

There you go. A sheep's despair is triggered by situations which are evaluated as sudden, unfamiliar, unpredictable, and uncontrollable. They were domesticated between 1100 and 9000 B.C. for use of their woolen fleece, meat, and milk. They can deliver a painful kick to anyone who gets too close.

I'm just imagining the Wallace and Gromit sheep.

This is written like someone who woke up at 6am to write a paper that was due at 8am, and they're just like, what can we find out about sheeps? One, start off with a strong opinion. Sheep are underappreciated, and then just list some facts.

Alright, I want to see a scene. So this scene is going to be all three of us. We are 10,000 years in the future. The human race has been completely overtaken by a race of intelligent aliens, that is what we are. We use obviously the human race as we use like cattle just for food and for cloth and stuff like that. But we are three eighth graders in the alien race who is doing a report on humans because we've actually learned a lot of other stuff about humans and the way that they actually behave that not many people know.

You may think that humans are just for eating.

You may think that humans are fun and funny to look at and to pet and to yell at.

And you also might think humans stink, they roll around in their shit, and they tell, like, banal jokes.

That part is true.

But humans are so much

That's an example of a human joke. How bad was that?

Pretty bad.

According to our research, one time when a human named Erin was in the sixth grade, she tried to put a boy's backpack away for him because it was out in the hallway and he kept getting in trouble for his backpack being out of his locker. So she put it back in for him. He saw this when he was coming back from the bathroom. And ran into the classroom saying that Erin was crazy and was stealing stuff on her locker when really she was tired of watching the boy get yelled at. She got in so much trouble and the school called her home. Can you believe that kid named John did that? Humans are terrible!

And did you know that a 14-year-old human named Adal once grew super long sideburns and had a goatee and thought it looked good? The school called him to go home.

Did you know that some humans have even been able to produce rudimentary culture? One of those things that they enjoy is music. And yet, there was a 13-year-old human named JPC who memorized every lyric to Kid Rock's Ba With the Bar. That's what he did with that gift. Which we will now recite.

Let's do, well we have to do one final riddle that's based around animals. Here we go that we're gonna do this very quickly but this is the close of our animal parade segment. A large creature lives in Brazil. It has no claws, fangs, or venom, but it is the most dangerous creature in the world. Other animals flee at its approach, and where it goes, death and destruction sometimes follow. The creature is a human being. It is dangerous because it sometimes does not use its intelligence well. What a nice little full circle moment for this segment.

It's dangerous because it sometimes does not use its intelligence well. Wow. That's what a way to say that.

And a good example of that is Hey Riddle Riddle in general. We're not using our intelligence at all.

And speaking of not using our intelligence at all, JPC, do you have anything to plug?

Sure. You can follow me over at Twitch, Twitch.tv slash sharkbarkman. Listen to the Billbuds podcast. You can find that podcast anywhere podcasts are found by searching Billbuds. One word, B-I-L-L-B-U-D-S. Erin, anything to plug?

Follow me, Erin Keif 10 on Instagram, Erin Keif 2 on Twitter. I've been really enjoying how many of you decided to watch Frontier House and I'm getting a lot of messages about it that are making me laugh out loud. So thank you so much for that. If you have any message you want to send me, please message me on Instagram.

Adal! Yes. You can follow me on Twitter or Instagram. And besides that, maybe just send me some good vibes and fingers crossed for this house.

I know, I can't wait to hear. I'm sending you nothing but good energy.

I'm singing you Fingers in Crosses for your house, and you feel free to decorate with those however you want. They are human fingers and they're wooden crosses.

Don't send them in the mail again, JPC, because it's a huge mess.

I've heard that, you know, obviously crystals and there's good luck charms all send very good positive energy for a potential homeowner, but they say in all of the universe there's one entity that sends the best luck for someone to close on a home. Do we want to say that?

Erin Keif.

Bye forever.

Jupiter, bye.

No, too late. It's too late.

Created by Adal Rifai. Starting Erin Keif and John Patrick Coan. Casey Toney could be editing. How are any parents in the music? Loco created by Emily Cardamus and Emma Wieneward.

Hello! If you enjoyed that episode, or if you enjoyed our Riddle City episodes, we think you might enjoy our episode that comes out this Friday on our Patreon. It is a new story arc. It's three episodes long, and it takes place in the 1980s at a high school. It's a mystery. It's so fun. Arnie Parrott wrote a new theme. Casey is absolutely killing it on the editing. I'm really, really proud of it. So if you want to listen to that, You can join our Clue Crew, which is $5 a month. You get four episodes of that. Or you can join our Review Crew, which is $8 a month, and you'll get two extra bonus hours of content, which is a Review Crew episode and a video live stream. If you are interested in that, go to patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle. That's patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle. I am so excited for this 1980s arc, and we would love if you joined us. Have a great week! That was a Headgum podcast.