Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Oh, then we're going to finish. It was the captain of an airplane. He stabbed him with an icicle.

And the Lord of St. Friday.

Alright kids, everybody stand for the Puzz of Allegiance. Do we have to? Yep, put your hands over your brains. Now.

You just hit myself in the face.

No, put your hands over your brain. If your hands bigger than your brain, you have cancer. Why did you scream before he hit your hand? Okay, here we go. Repeat after me. I pause allegiance to the riddles of the Hey Riddle Riddle podcast. And to the JP Riddles. And to the JP Riddles. When he stands. When he stands. And he's not tumbling downstairs. And he's not tumbling. Are you just making this up as you go? Whatever, whatever, amen.

Whatever, whatever, amen.

Fall is dismount.

Adam Folds Five. I'm Adam Folds Five. I'm John Patrick Robert Sludge.

And I'm, uh, give me like 11 minutes. Um, there's only one more person I'm the Erinist to play on the luckiest.

You're breaking your drowning slowly. And this is Hey Riddle Riddle, a podcast where we try and solve puzzies and riddies. And we do improvise scenes along the way. If this is your first time joining us. Fuck you. No, no, no. We like you. No, I mean welcome. Have a seat. Dust, dust, dust. Dust off a chair. Putting out potted plants. Watering those plants. They're dead. Throw them away. Plant new seeds. What else?

Adal's not a natural host.

If this is your first time hearing us, you are probably a new fan to the show. You probably heard us at a Sears screaming at a cashier.

Maybe one of us specifically.

Do you know who the fuck I am? I'm JPC. I'm on Hey Riddle Riddle.

You thought, why don't I give that podcast a try? Sir, I'm telling you, the curtain rods you tried to return are brownies.

If you're new to the podcast, and this is your first episode, we are not doing Riddles this week, we are talking about Ben Folds.

Yes, and if you're new to the podcast, congratulations, careful when you sit down, don't squash your balls.

Alright, let me ask you both this question. If you have to pick Ben Folds or Ben Folds 5, what do you like better?

Ben Folds. I'm gonna go with Ben Folds because Rock in the Suburbs is... that album was... Transformational. ...mind blowing. In college, I lost my mind.

Pretty good, pretty good Ben Folds.

I also like Ben Folds because I saw him in concert at UIC in Champaign-Urbana and he told a story where he used to work at, I believe it was Wendy's and he would sell fries and pocket the money because fries was the one item where they couldn't quantify, like they couldn't, it's not like burger patties where it's like we know we have this many. Fries were just like, we have a ton of fries. And so he would pocket money from selling fries and make hundreds of dollars a week.

And I was like, that's kind of fun. That's where his fortune comes from. Not a successful musician. Not very cool. That concludes our Ben Folds chat. What's up, guys? What's the news?

What's the news? Tell me what's happening. Ben Folds died today.

We should be careful because we've accidentally predicted some stuff.

I hope he doesn't. I truly don't want him to go. I'm a fan. But I won't research it. So if he does in the next few weeks, I won't look.

Ben Folds 5 what?

I like Ben Folds Five because there was only three people in the band and they named themselves Ben Folds Five. I thought that was fun.

Very fun. What is new? I've been getting back into NBA basketball. The two of you are, and I apologize, the two of you are on an email chain where I keep talking about basketball with someone and you two I'm sure could care less.

I would like to never be taken off that chain, please. Because I'm going to jump in when I have something to say. So can you talk about basketball?

So is basketball, basketball is happening and it's being played right now?

Basketball is happening. What's the word? Tell me basketball is happening. It's being played in a bubble in Orlando and it's the top 22 teams are playing eight games and then they're going into the playoffs. Is that true? Mm-hmm. But I used to be absolutely obsessed with basketball in the 90s. That was my life. And then I fell out of it. And now, I think because of quarantine and because I'm bored, when I heard basketball was coming back, I'm like, now's my time. Now's my time. I'm going to get back into it. And so I'm very excited to get back into basketball.

So I have so many questions. It's top 22 teams. Yes. So what happens if you're one of the teams that's not in the top 22? You're sitting at home. You're just at home?

Yeah and that's like the the Bulls are not playing like they're just at home.

Oh, really? So someone has to tell you, it's like, hey, by the way, you're not one of the good teams. You're one of the bad teams in basketball. Well, here's the thing.

It's not subjective. They have records.

Do you think they'd be in the top 22 best podcasts?

So last season, when the Bulls ended their season, they're like, wow, we did bad. But they didn't know that what that actually meant was that they'd never get to play basketball again because they did too bad to ever play basketball again.

Here's the thing, JPC, and I can't stress this enough. In basketball they play games and they win or lose based on a point structure. So they didn't sit down eight teams and go, hey listen Bulls, I don't know how to tell you this but you're not invited to play the rest of the season. They have a record where they're like 36 and 40 to where they were losing pretty bad to where they couldn't play.

So, you begin this with, in basketball, they play games. But in this scenario, it seems like some of them don't get to play games anymore. They just go to them and say, you done played games. It's not worth it. So were they at the point in the season when COVID hit? Were they at the point in the season when COVID hit that they were already out? They were not going to be able to play more games. Like it was going to be playoff. When does playoff season for basketball?

Yeah, they were playing, they had been playing the season already through like March 14th or something. And then they stopped. So they were, it's not like this is the beginning of the season and eight teams are just like not playing the season. They had played most of the season through the All-Star break and then they, and then COVID hit.

Okay, now I get it. They're just doing this so they can have like a basketball championship at the end of things and let it be like somewhat normal.

Yes. And I think they would have gone straight into playoffs, but one of the teams that's on the cusp of making the playoffs has like the hottest player, a guy named Zion Williamson. So I think the NBA was like, let's extend this and have eight games more just so people can tune in.

Eight games more. Eight games.

Look down, look down.

You missed the rebound now. Have any basketball people tested positive yet? Because I know that baseball was getting like ravaged by that.

Oh yeah. I feel like Westbrook tested positive. I feel like there's a few folks who tested positive, but they're back on. I feel like they're already playing like this was a month ago because they've been in the bubble since like June 30th or something. Sure. Sure. Erin, you have COVID. And you're hosting this episode. They call him Dr. Segway.

He knows how to make a Segway. He's the one they call Dr. Segway. Dr. Segway is not a medical doctor for the record. His doctorate in philosophy. No, so I have COVID and they're sending me down to Orlando and I am playing the 22 best basketball teams as an individual. So far I'm not doing great, but better than I thought, so I'm proud of myself.

Do you want to start off this episode?

Yes.

Okay.

Good.

So let's erase everything we've said so far.

Okay, start over.

Hi, I'm Benvolt5.

Um, I'm doing an entire episode of Listener Submitted Riddles. Because I've gotten a few Instagram messages of people being pretty mad that we haven't used their riddles yet. And I go, well, JPC and I are doing a mad dash towards the middle because he goes back to 2018 riddles and I lost patience for doing that because it was mostly repeats of stuff we've done. So I mostly start with newer emails and we will eventually get to everyone's emails if we haven't already done your riddle. But this one is from Ellie.

Sometimes also people reply back to the email that they already sent being like, hey, just want to make sure you guys know that this is still in here. And that to me is very helpful.

That's very helpful, especially because then you're confirming to us that we haven't done those riddles yet.

I think it's also very helpful when people comment on our Instagram posts that we look terrible. I think that's also very helpful. I got the best email.

It was a new listener who found us from listening to... Review Review? No, no, not Review Review. Meddling Adults? Meddling Adults, yes. I'm sorry. It was Meddling Adults and they found the show and they were like, I'm only two episodes in. I want to send you guys a riddle. I immediately emailed back and I was like, I was like, bro, we've done a hundred more episodes. We covered your riddle, my man.

We did this riddle, my man. I was like, thank you for sending it in, but... Erin, if people want to submit more riddles, they can email us at... Erin Loves Ice Cream at hotmail.gov. Oh no.

Okay, fine. H-R-R podcast at gmail.com.

Hold on, now I have to go buy Erin Loves Ice Cream at hotmail.gov, because we will get emails to that, and they will be upset.

I'm impressed that I made up a fake email that fast.

Oh yeah, that passed the smell test immediately. Hotmail.gov. You should be a spy. Did we ever buy www.gofuckyourself.law.law? What was that one? No.

Oh yeah.

You also did one, Adal, you had something, I don't remember if it was on this or Patreon, where you were like zoomgroom.com, and someone had like parked that a while before you had set it for quite a big amount of money. Hmm. Yeah.

So zoomgroom.com. Still out there for sale. I'm retroactively brilliant. I say that all the time.

All right. This is from Ellie. And she is from a place that's not the United States. Any guesses?

Venezuela.

Nope, okay.

I don't know time, it elapses.

Big hello from Ireland. I decided it was finally time to build some riddles and send them over to my favorite head gum podcast that's very sweet. Whoa, better than high and mighty? They seem like warm ups, but I've never written riddles before, so you guys can be the judge. Thank you so much, Ellie, for writing these riddles. We are a huge fan of yours.

And JPC, just so you know, in Ireland it's called High Tea Tie and Mighty. With John Cabernet, you know this.

What's Doughboys called?

It's just Doughboys. Just Doughboys. Erin, what are you talking about?

Potato Doughboys? I don't know. Potato Doughboys! Here we go. I can be harmful, and I can be mean. Computers? What?

What was that? Huh?

Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, you're getting my attention? Or are you telling me that I'm harmful and mean?

Here's where she's mean. Also, that's my bag. That's not Erin's bag. What's going on?

That's my thing in real life Adal, not the podcast. I can be harmful and I can be mean. Computers sigh when I come up on screen. I can distract and annoy you all day, buzzing around in a bumbling way.

What is Jeeves for Mask Jeeves? I'm sorry, were you trying to say supposedly? I want to see a scene.

Jeeves, get the hell out of here. Google replaced you years ago.

I want to see a scene. Erin, you're searching the internet and you're using JPC as the butler Jeeves.

Okay, let's see, what do I want to Google today? Let's Google smoothies.

I'm sorry, did you say Google?

Oh, I'm sorry.

You're actually on AskJPCves.com.

Okay. Ask JPCves smoothie recipes.

Oh, so you think smoothie recipes is a question.

Okay. I guess I thought that maybe you would just word associate. What are some good smoothie recipes?

Okay. Good smoothie recipes. So you're going to set the bar as low as just good. You don't want exceptional smoothie recipes.

Fine. Porn.com. Ask Jeeves Porn.com question mark. Ask Jeeves Porn.com question mark.

Well, this is a question for us to ask JPCs. This is a question that I never thought that I would get. Porn.com question mark. I would say you're not eligible.

What? Is that what you're asking? Let's see. Ask Jeebs, porn that's not overwhelming. Question mark.

Oh boy. Look at me. I'm wearing an ascot under an ascot. Do you think I know anything about porn?

Great smoothies to make while watching porn? Question mark.

Oh, so we've upgraded to great smoothies. Well, what happened to this? How about you do a single berry and a splash of water? That would be something that would be great.

Do you turn Scottish at the end? That would be great. Here's the new website I think everyone should scramble to buy, pornonthecob.com.

If that already exists, I don't want to know.

Don't tell us. Creamed porn.

Pop porn.

Pop porn. Ooh, popcorn. That's kind of fun. So Erin, this is something... Would it be dad porn? Yeah, absolutely. Ew. So is this like the internet? Is it as simple as that?

No.

When it comes on screen, it makes your computer sigh.

It's a thing that can be multiple things. It's a word that has a few different meanings.

Is it a pop-up? Is it the Asian pop superstar sigh?

No.

Everyone remembers that year.

Remember?

Hey sexy riddles. 2012?

I just remember that in like, what does the fox say? Coming out and everyone was like, we're happy.

Everything's okay. So it's not a pop up. It's not like a spam.

No, but it's a computer thing, but it's also not a computer thing.

Is it a text message?

No. So it also has a meaning that has nothing to do with computers. I can be harmful and I can be mean.

Virus.

Computers sigh when I come up on screen. It's sort of another word for virus. I can distract and annoy you all day, buzzing around in a bumbling way.

A B. A B. A B plus. A B. Wasp. Our beans.

What's another name for all those things?

What do you call a hornet with an eye patch and a hook for a hand? R.B.'s. That's kind of fun. Good, good joke. Hornet turned bees. Fucking.

It's okay. We're okay. Yeah. Bees make honey and hornets make jam.

I'm going to send a slushie to your house. I'm going to send a slushie to your house. We're okay.

We're okay. We're okay. I'm going to put a slushie on you, motherfucker. Is it something with bee in the word?

No, it's not a bee, but you said like a hornet, wasp. What's another word for what are all those?

Those are all insects.

Bugs. Yeah, bugs.

A bug.

That is a great riddle. Are you ready for another one?

Yes, please. Yes. Is this by the same friend and listener in Ireland?

Yes. Her name is Ellie. And we love her very much. Ellie, what's up? She's responding right now.

You cheer and yell as we entertain.

I'll let me start over. You cheer and yell as we entertain performing tunes in our domain. To slip me on, you may need grease. Say my name or hold your peace.

John Travolta?

Sandy?

Sandy? Sandy? To slip me on, you may need grease. I got chills? They're multiplying.

What's the name of the actress who plays Rizzo? Stocker Channing. Yes. Sean and I are rewatching West Wing and she's the first lady and I forgot.

Hmm. And in Greece, she was like 37. Yeah.

She was 68 in Greece. And the guy who played Kanicki was in his late 90s.

Yeah, Kanicki, that is very funny. Kanicki looks like, he looks like 80 years old.

He looks like 80 years old and works at Marnicki. Sonny, Sonny, it looks super old, but he's like 25. Like he's not that old. He looks like he's 39. What about Potsy?

So I was in the musical Grease when I was 15 years old and there's some pictures of me on my Facebook backstage during that show and once every four years everyone who's in the photo comments on it and it happened this week and my last comment was like from 2016 on it was like see y'all in 2020. And it is the worst photo of me of all time. I'm Jan in Greece and I look like I'm covered in 18 pounds of sweat. I have red, red eyes. The reddest eyes you've ever seen. My pigtails are so sad. They look deflated and it looks like someone put ghost makeup on me. It is brutal. Maybe I'll put it on the Instagram or something.

I feel like when I was in high school, taking good pictures was not like important to anyone that I knew. Because I don't think that we all thought that pictures would have the internet permanence that they ended up having. So I feel like pictures, especially from that era, I don't know that anyone was really considering, and cameras weren't as good, or good cameras weren't as available, I would say. Wow, that's weird. Yeah, because I was just trying to, I was going back in my mind to think about all the pictures of me from high school, and I'm like, there's not a single good one, of course. Hey Riddle.

For one, I'm really enjoying Adal leaning into him being old jokes. For a while he's like, I'm not old, I was born in the 80s. And we were like, no, no, shut up, you were born in the 1780s, stupid. And now he's enjoying the jokes, and I like that very much.

I can't escape it, so I might as well embrace it so it doesn't deteriorate my mental health.

In an improv show once I played Amelia Earhart and you played Charles Lindbergh. I think and we were meeting and we shook hands and we both at the same time made the same joke to stand still like we were getting our photograph taken. I was like holy shit we had the exact same idea at the same time.

That's how it works in those olden times.

Yeah, you got to stay still for a hundred years. Okay, wait, I want to see a scene. Adal and JPC, you are a couple and you're getting your photo taken in that time. And you're having a little bit of an argument and it's hard to stay still.

Wow. Boy oh boy. Gary, I'm so happy that we're taking some glamour shots. You're moving your mouth too much. Oh, will that capture on the photo look like I'm possessed?

Shireen, I've told you a thousand times. You're moving your mouth too much, Shireen.

And I've told you a thousand times. My name's Shireen. I can do what I want.

All right, in the count of 300. Ready? Okay. And say cheese for 300 seconds and... Cheese. You're going to need some breath support to keep that going.

Why would we need to keep this going? I told you Shireen, I told you I didn't have time for this. I have a very important textile mill and we have to produce textiles.

And I told you that most of my family died in a factory fire.

And I'm going to say cheese, so cheese.

Why? What is cheese? Are you French? We don't care for cheese.

Yes, cheese. Bonjour.

Lobsters only eaten by prisoners in these days. Yes, yes. That's a punishment. Water bugs is what we call them.

I know it's very tempting to just name things that are happening in the time, but I'm really going to need you to stand still.

Stand still.

Okay. You cheer and yell as we entertain. Performing tunes is our domain. To slip me on, you may need grace. Say my name or hold your peace.

Oh, this is Destiny's Child. Say my name, say my name. Is this an animatronics Chuck E. Cheese band thing?

You guessed that every time, JPC, and it's never that.

Interesting. To slip me on, you need grease. What's that last line? But it's something that entertains.

You kind of got it. Say my name or hold your piece.

Wait, who kind of got it? JPC has the right... With the Chuck E. Cheese animatronic band?

Yeah, it's a band.

Is it the, what's the one from Australia? The Wuddles? What's their name? The Wizzles? Keep going.

Nobody tell him. Nobody tell him.

The Wackles? I don't know what the fuck he's talking about.

It's an Australian children's band, but no one's gonna tell him.

There's no band in Australia that they play kids songs.

Adal, I'm begging you to continue.

I couldn't help you if I wanted to. The Wiggles. The Wiggles!

Oh man, I was hoping you'd do every single vowel. The waggles. The wiggles.

The waggles. The woosles. Waggles, wiggle waggles. So it's close to... No, it's banned.

It's banned.

Oh, it's just a banned. It's a banned. So wait, we need grease to put them on? What is that?

Like a band. Like a band.

Like a... Yeah, what does that mean? You need Greece to put... Don't do... Don't show us on the Zoom. Erin is making a fisting motion. We don't know what she means. She's just silently doing charades on the Zoom.

Okay, two words, sounds like. We're doing another Riddle, ready?

Yes.

Okay. And this is the last Ellie one.

I guess all of our reasonable objections about that one will just be swept under the rug. But in honor of Ellie, we have to, while discussing and solving this, we have to speak in an Irish accent.

Oh, that would honor her. I think people love being mocked.

Well, I didn't say we'd do it in a shitty way.

Well, it's us.

Okay. Ready?

Yes.

This will help fix my lonely heart. I'm meeting a man who is handsome and smart. We share some fruit.

Colin Farrow.

I'm not alone. We eat the meat around the stone.

George Harrison.

This is a really cute and clever one.

Something about a lonely heart.

Are you just naming men you wish you could have gone on a date with?

Uh huh. Colin Farrell is Australian, Jesus. He's Irish, right? Yes. Got that. His accent is hoo boy. Suck the accent right out of his body. I don't think it's possible to suck the accents out of someone unless you're some sort of accent vampire.

All I'm saying is I used to have a Boston accent.

Dude, that's a good stuff. I want to see a scene. Adal, this is a new show. It's kind of in the world of true blood. But you're a vampire who, when you suck someone's blood, you also suck their accent. And you're going to be meeting, Erin and I will be playing a cavalcade of characters that you suck their accent out of. Great.

Please come into my mansion. Make yourself comfortable.

Hi, my name's Maureen. I was a 11th grade math tutor, but then I got fired. Oops. Now I'm here at your mansion. Can I have a Bloody Mary that just has a B in it?

Nothing else. I call those Marys. Wait, can I ask where is your delicious accent from?

Um, I'm from Hanover, Massachusetts. It had a mall once. Yeah, we had a mall and then it sort of went under because everyone was going to the South Shore Plaza instead.

You are getting nappy. Nappy. You want to take a nap.

I always want to take a nap.

Can I bite your wrist? And now I'm from Hanover. I want to suck your blood.

Is this right? We just stopped in here because my sports guy is broken down. Is there anyone I can use at the phone? Come on in, make yourself comfortable. Good, I'll just sit here and take a nap while I wait for the phone to be brought to me.

And bite your wrist? Sick of your blood? I want to sick of your blood. Hey, I'm a vampire. You are both now.

Knock, knock, knock. Hello, I'm a weirdo. I'm the weirdest person. I'm also a puppet. Ouch.

Save. Save.

Was it there? I wanted you to do that puppet voice.

I love how it was not just I take over the accent, it was I also blend it with vampire.

It's so hard to do a Bostonian vampire. I never realized that's the hardest accent to ever do. And don't forget my catchphrase now is, I want to suck your drums.

Hey, I want to suck your drums would be a great catchphrase if your band was called Bostonian Vampire. Bostonian Vampire Weekend? Yep. There we go. And it's a vampire weekend band that just says Boston cover sucks. Next up is 4chantha. What'd you say here?

You guys haven't gotten this one yet, right?

No, no, no. Can we hear it again?

Absolutely not. This will help fix my lonely old heart. I'm meeting a man who is handsome and smart. We share some fruit. I'm not alone. We eat the meat around the stone.

Is it a cherry?

Is it Pitt?

No. No.

Is the man who's handsome and smart Brad Pitt because I do think that he is pretty smart about the roles that he takes.

You think all of them?

Um, let's see, what was the last role, like questionable role that he took? Ed Astra? Oh, dude, I did not like Ed Astra.

I didn't like him in Burn After Reading.

Really?

Yeah, I didn't like him in that.

Oh, okay.

I didn't like that movie.

Sure. Sure. It's fine. Again, I didn't like Ed Astra. I think that there's a lot of movies that I don't care for that I like him in. I'm like, oh, he did well. I think he's great.

Hey Riddle.

They'll have them eat an apple or eat some sort of food with like supreme confidence. Like that's how they show someone's evil. And then when they want to show that someone's like a down on their luck haggard individual underdog, they'll have them swig a bottle of pills without taking into account like proportion. Like they'll take the top off a bottle of like Advil and just like chug it and they're like, now we're rooting for this guy.

That's like a hard-boiled detective trope. It's like, whoa, that guy doesn't measure his pills.

I did that today with my fiber in my water. Sean was like, you're not going to measure that? And I was like, no, bitch. I'm not going to measure this.

No, bitch. I've never seen anyone in real life open up the top of medication and just take a swig, ever.

Oh, I do that with day quill. I look like a goddamn cowboy when I'm taking day quill.

Ah, master of the night quill. I guess that makes sense. You can probably eyeball with day quill and night quill, especially if you've taken it so long. But hard pills, no fucking way. What if you actually take too much?

You're fucked! I do that with Adderall, just down 30 or 40. Doesn't matter.

Um, Erin... It does though. Nobody do that.

Erin, is it a fruit?

Um, yeah. But it's also, it's a double meaning thing.

Is it a pair? Is it a pair? Paroons, dates. Paroons don't have pits, do they? Dates have pits. Fucker, can you open it? Oh, you got it. It's a date. It's a date.

It's a date. It's a date. And I just agreed to get Adal and JPC to go on a date. That's how it's done, ladies.

I want to see a scene. Why do ladies want to see us on a date? I want to see a scene. JPC, you are out on a first date. Okay. You are human, and Erin, you are a piece of fruit.

Okay. I've never been here. You said that you've picked this place. You've been here before?

Yeah. Are you saying that I picked this place because you pick fruit?

Oh, yeah, actually I was kind of making a little pun there. Sorry, I know a lot of women don't, I guess, not a woman.

Have you ever been on a date with a banana before? Was this your first date with a banana?

No, yes, I mean I have not.

Hold on, I'm getting a call. It's me. Hello? I'm answering myself because it's a banana phone.

Hello?

Oh, I don't get that.

It's Orange here.

Orange, I'm on a date.

Let it go. Orange who? Oh, so it is a real call. Orange who?

Yeah, Orange. Orange you glad that we broke up? So you can move on and have a better life.

Take me back. Please take me back. So I'm going to split.

That's a little rude. I actually find you very appealing, okay? So can you just, can we like start over? I have a lot to offer. I'm rich in potassium. Babies love me.

I'll stay, but I gotta tell you right straight up, no monkey business. It's not something that I'm into and it's a turn off for me. What else?

I did all my banana stuff.

Poor JPC.

Burned right through it. What else? Do you want to foster some kids? What else? Bananas foster? Well, we're going to think of some more banana jokes, and we'll be right back with more banana jokes. Banana-rama. Bananagrams. Oh, bananas and pajamas are coming in my bed. No, bananas and pajamas.

Pajamas and bananas.

We'll be right back. And we're back and here's the banana jokes we came up with. What if we go to Plantain Parenthood?

And while we're there we can watch a little banana Brady Bunch on the TV.

You think people watch TV at Plantain Parenthood?

I did once, yeah.

Stephanie.

What? That shit is bananas.

Let's all head out to Planned Parenthood. A fun thing about Planned Parenthood is you know how like as a society we hate women. You know like that's sort of like what we've decided to do is we hate women. You know how Planned Parenthood just like does so much good for so many communities and helps so many women from low-income areas with their pregnancies and birth control and women's health in general? You have to walk through a bunch of bulletproof doors and glass in order to get into a Planned Parenthood. So that's fun. That's just a fun fact.

You can also get STD tests at Planned Parenthood.

STD.

Easy as 1, 2, 3. I've gone for testing a couple times and they're great. Give money to Planned Parenthood.

I have also gone for testing a couple times. They were really nice. Everything was great there. I did not love my results.

But you did love the TV show you got to watch.

I love watching radio budget there. Well, you famously got a hepatitis B plus, right? Yeah. But I'm working on it. I'm getting my grades up so I can go to medical school.

If you're really nice to your professor, they'll give you an A minus. This is offensive. I don't know. Are we ready?

Sure.

Yes. Those are from Ellie. So thank you, Ellie. I have another listener submitted riddle from Max Basteans. Max is from Australia, which is really fun.

Oh, that's why we can't pronounce that last name. I love this fun international corner.

I know and we're going to keep it going. Hey Riddle Ridiots. Sending you this email from good old Down Under. I've been following your show since episode five and have a homemade riddle to share if you're up for it.

Go back and listen to the first four too. If you like the rest of the show you might like those first four.

And then also Max hopes that we are well. Thank you so much Max. Thank you Max.

My favorite thing about Australians is they instead of tattoo they say tattoo and that's just a fun fact about me.

I like that.

They're sweet. And that Gemma was born in Australia.

What city was she born in again?

I want to say Milwaukee. The Milwaukee of the East. Does she have dual citizenship? She has triple citizenship. Oh that's right, because she has it with France as well. England, Australia, and the US. Okay, England is France, whatever dude.

Is that why you're marrying her? So you can fulfill your dream of being an international spy? Yes.

You're in coach. Okay, ready?

The guiding light for some instills fright with powers some cannot explain. A silver pendant on a chain spun by who we eat from the palm of a tanned. For knowledge and power this pendulum demands. Well worn with rubble and dents. If it were to explode we would all come to an end.

Okay, if it were to explode we'd all come to an end. This is an atom bomb. Is this a hydrogen bomb?

Let's keep guessing bombs. Not a bomb. Is it a sex bomb? Dirty bomb.

No, no bombs.

Okay, should we keep guessing bombs? Yeah, keep guessing bombs, but it's not a bomb. Is this a B-52 bomber, the plane that drops the bombs? No.

Is this a Scott Pilgrim song, Sex Bomba Mom?

No.

Okay. Is this this little character from Mario that's like a Bob-omb?

Nope. Is this a famed explosive actor, Bomb Deloise?

Favorite so far?

Now we're moving into great territory.

JPC, what was it where I came up with sub-deloese? Instead of dom-deloese, I said sub-deloese. You're asking me? In my memory? Wasn't that a joke that I came up with while talking to you?

JPC keeps detailed notes of everything Adal's ever said. Just kidding.

There's an actor named Dom-deloese, D-O-M, and instead of dom-deloese, I said sub-deloese. I get it. I just want people to appreciate my dumb humor.

Erin, is this star of Fast and the Furious, Bominick Toretto?

I'd say maybe six or seven more.

I feel like Fast and Furious should advertise for Olive Garden because it's about family.

Is this the short-lived burrito place that I believe was bought by Kadoba La Bamba? I think Kadoba bought La Bamba, didn't they? Remember Chichiz?

Yeah, it's that. It's that restaurant.

It's La Bamba? Burritos as big as your head? No. The biggest treat in Chicago seven years ago.

When I was like eight years old, the biggest goddamn treat in the world would be when our parents would take City and I to cheat cheese and we'd get fried ice cream. I cannot express that that was the pinnacle of our lives.

Fried ice cream looks very good. My pinnacle of treat was getting a raspberry lime Ricky from Brigham's and Hingham.

A Ricky from Kenicki's like a Hallmark kata. Like a Brigham's from Hingham. Erin, can you repeat this Riddle?

Yes. The guiding light for some instills fright. With power some cannot explain. A silver pendant on a chain spun by who we eat from the palm of its hand. For knowledge and power this pendulum demands. Well worn with rubble and dense. If it were to explode we would all come to an end.

Here's what I want to say. This is the most dense riddle we've ever- I would say just focus on the last two lines.

Well-worn with rubble and dense. If it were to explode, we'd all come to an end.

Is it dense like a dying star?

Eh, close.

Yeah, you said guiding light, so that makes me think like a north star. So close, would it be like a meteor comet? So it's close to a star.

You're in space for sure.

We're in space for sure.

Is it the sun?

No, the sun's a star.

Is it an ass-troid?

No. What's another thing that, like, provides, like... Kids, you're a goddamn star. Not necessarily from its, like, core, but maybe as, like, a reflection.

Ooh, the moon. What does that mean? Can you say the kid's like?

The moon. It's the moon.

Oh.

Silver painted on a chain. I would like to see a scene. You two are two astronauts and you're about to land on the moon and you're discussing who will get to walk on the moon first.

Great. Touchdown in three, two, one.

Hey Jeff, before we head out there, Obviously, one of us is going to touch the moon first. Of course.

Hey Alex, can you take your hand off the doorknob? Nope.

It feels like you're about to race outside. No, no, no. I wanted to have a quick little chat with you, quick convo. Okay. So it's obviously a pretty big deal. First people on the moon. Yeah, absolutely. This is huge. It would make sense for whoever has the more rehearsed dance move to step on the moon first. This again? I've just been pr- I've just been practicing and you know how hard I've been practicing and I think without the gravity I'm really gonna fucking nail it. I get it, you can Roger Rabbit, okay? Nobody cares. Okay, yes, I can- no, no one cares now because no one's ever done it on the moon. But Jeff, I kid you not, if we get back to Earth, we set up that camera and everybody sees me Roger Rabbit-ing on the moon, I'm gonna be a separate life. I'm gonna be able to brand it. I'm gonna be able to sell lunch boxes. This is- I need this. I've got- Jeff, okay, I'll level with you.

I have gambling debts. Oh, well I do too, because we bet against each other. And guess what? I have terrible acne, alright? And do you know how many millions I could rake in if old Craterface here was on a crater in the moon? I'd make millions, okay? So I had my whole plan set up. Look, we both need it, okay? We bet against each other, somehow we both lost, which means we tied. Oh shit, Neil, Neil, oh fuck, Neil, Neil, Neil, oh.

Okay, we kill him. If we kill him, if we kill him, we're still in this. We're still in this, Jeff. Let's just leave. Let's just leave. Okay. Hey, uh, let's just back us up.

What? What? Oh, shoot. I love, what were Neil's last words? Oh, shoot.

Would love to watch a spaceship try to get into a parking spot. Just a ton of three-point turns, turn around and try to parallel park. You do it in zero gravity. Cool. You got it. Thank you, Max.

Thank you, Max. Enjoy the winter. Because the seasons are different.

So these are from Tara. She said we can use her full name. So Tara's been writing these riddles and she tells us to have fun and also she wants Adal to know that Beetlejuice is also her favorite movie.

So she wants to write. Just to be clear.

Is it just Tara? Yeah. She said we could use her full name. She didn't give us her full name. She said, you're more than welcome to use it. Is this a rumpled cisco?

She just said, you can use my name. She just said, and you can use my name. So I'll just use her first name. She likes Beetlejuice as well, Adal, and she says maybe she'll write us some Beetlejuice themed riddle.

That would be outstanding, Tara, you fucking rule.

Okay, so we're gonna just go through these real fast. Are you ready?

Yes.

Do you need to stretch?

How fast?

Do I? Yes, do you? I don't know your life.

I've never stretched before for this show. Now you're saying that there's going to be a speed element that I'm about to go with?

You're going to have to run really fast.

I'm so fucking stressed. I'm so stressed I've ever been.

Okay, ready? I'm not art, but I am drawn. I protect you from the dawn.

Garfunkel. Sword. Wait, no, Paul Simon. If you're not art, it has to be Paul Simon.

You're not drawn?

Wait, I'm art, but I'm not drawn?

I am art, but I, wait, I am not art, but I am drawn.

And you protect from the dawn? Long bath. No.

Close though.

I'm not art, but I am drawn. I protect you from the dawn. So dawn is like a dish soap. Dish soap.

It's what we use to wash ducks.

We're sorry we put all the oil on the ducks.

Actually, our parent company is the one who put all the oils on the ducks, but we make these cute commercials. Can you believe it? Dawn.

We also make the ducks. We get a little taste out of everything. We make the oil, we make the dawn, we make the ducks. We get the ducks dirty with the oil, then we make the money back.

We're Unilever and we're the fucking worst. And we also made the worst character on Buffy. Dawn.

I'm not art, but I am drawn. I protect you from the dawn. I'm just gonna give it to you.

No, no, no, no. I don't want it. Take it back.

Here it comes.

Is Dawn in this instance like the rising sun or like?

Yeah, it's the rising sun. Wait, let's see if JPC wants the answer now. Here comes the train, JPC.

My mouth is closed.

I'm not eating the train. What kind of train is it? Oh, you gotta open the tunnel.

JPC, open your mouth. The train's gonna smash into your lips.

I'll break every fucking tooth in my face before I let that drain into my mouth.

It's just yogurt, buddy.

It's not yogurt, it's principal. It's not fucking yogurt.

Oh shit, everyone calm down. Principal yogurt's here. What's going on?

Okay, I'm not Art, but I am John. I protect you from the dawn.

Is it a cross? Is it sunscreen? Uh, shades? Oh, shades.

Yeah, curtains, curtains, curtains. You got it.

It's coitens for you, coitens. It's coitens for you, Principal Yogurt.

I can hide.

Oh, go ahead. I want to see a scene. So this scene is going to be Principal Yogurt. Principal Yogurt is giving the announcement that classes are going to be online in the fall. And he's telling all of the teachers.

Alright everyone, gather around. I need to make an announcement. Splash sploosh. We decided to... At first we were gonna... What?

You wanna say something? I'm sorry Principal Yogurt. You said gather around, but you're literally just splashing and splooshing all over the place. Can we all just take like five... Can we all just take five feet back? Would it be okay if we just... We're supposed to keep distance anyway.

Yeah, this is like a real good visual and smell and like auditory indicator that we need to be kind of as far away from you as possible.

Okay, yeah, whatever you feel comfortable with. Oh, did I quit? Oh, yeah. If it's about me feeling comfortable? Yeah. Yeah, then I would love to quit this job. I think all teachers have autonomy to do what they want. You can, you'll play it by ear, however you want to do it.

Okay. I'm going to, I'm going to say it. Okay. Fine guys. I'll do it. I'm the brave one. Fine. Hi. You may remember me as the art teacher. My name is Paul Simon and I'm the art Garfunkel teacher. And I have something I want to say. I'm very, very brave. Are you yogurt? Are you yogurt with googly eyes, principal yogurt?

And I would just like to say I'm Mr. Morrison, the gym teacher. I also want to know. I also want to know if you are yogurt. Thank you, Jim.

Well, you're Jim Morrison, the gym teacher. Right?

That's what he was going for for sure.

Thank you. I'm Mr. Morris at the gym teacher. Yes. Okay. Well, I'm not yogurt with googly eyes. I'm a gym teacher. He's lost me. And if you want to find the truth, you can go gird it for yourself.

Okay, I got to go paint about this. I can hide amongst the snow or sleep in caves deep below. Some can see me climbing trees. Impostors eat specific leaves.

Bears.

Yeah.

Is it?

Yeah.

It's bears? Bears.

Good job.

Bears. Impostors eat specific leaves.

Oh no, I want to see a scene. Adal, please, it's my birthday.

Oh no, me too. Is it?

No.

Erin, what do you want to see?

Okay, I want to see a scene. You two are two bears and you're just waking up from Pibernation and you're having a real case of the Mondays. You don't want to get out of bed.

Okay. Five more months. Yeah, please. Five more months. I guess we should get up. Okay. Coming along. I'm up. Hey, honey. Uh-huh. Hey, honey. Yeah. Sorry. No, pass the honey. Oh, I'm so sorry. Here you go. Here's the honey and it's all over my paws. You know, you just have to lick it up.

Hey, uh, Jeff? Yeah. I think I need to take, and I don't want to be crude, and I don't want to be crass, but the biggest shit of my life. Does that make sense?

Well, we all do because we've been hibernating. Hibernating. Did you eat an edible before you laid down?

I actually ate mostly inedibles. I ate pine cones and stuff like that, you know, to stop me up. Yeah, roughage, to stop me up for five months.

He also ate me! Oh, who's down there? I'm a 10 year old kid. I was camping. He swallowed me whole. He used me as a cough drop and then he swallowed me.

Honestly, I took that kid like a detective takes pills. I just ate everything in sight with no rhyme or reason. I downed the whole campsite. Kid, what's your name?

Jeff.

Oh, two Jeffs. Well, three if you got me. That's right, Jeff. I'm so right. What have you been eating inside of Jeff?

Mostly the roughage, like pine cones. He also managed to find a birthday cake at a campsite.

That's what that was.

Yeah, it was one of those Barbie birthday cakes where it looks like a skirt of a Barbie. So I've been eating that for several months. Can you throw me up?

Oh, well I could, but I'm going to be 100% honest with you. You're coming out the other end, little Jeff.

Oh, could I convince you? What can I say if it can convince you?

You could try your best, but that's going to be, that's nature running its course.

After every hibernation, it's pretty much the same dance with you.

I'm just gonna climb out. Your asshole is ruined. I think that's a... I forgot that fact until you said it. I think that's a real thing where bears... I can't remember. They do something to like plug up their asshole.

Yeah they eat like the shit that they can't digest like leaves and corns and stuff like that.

But there's a word for it where it's like they go through this process to clog up their butthole before they hibernate. Can you believe that? Like they hibernate for like three months or something like that? Erin, you do that every night, right?

Yeah, I get it.

The act of hibernating, it's so weird and wild for things that animals know how to do. Mariah and I were just talking about this the other day because she was talking about spaghetti was sick one morning. She woke us up at like 6.30 in the morning to run outside and shit and puke. She calls that S&P, right? Yeah, she did an S&P outside. Walking her when she was a baby, and she had Giardia, and we didn't know it yet, and she puked on a walk. She puked in this neighbor's yard. She was a very little puppy. And then she dug a hole and tried to bury it in the hole. And we were like, how does she know how to do that? She's a little puppy, and she's hiding her sick from us. Those instincts are crazy. Did you say she had Giardinara? She had sport peppers is another way to say that. No, it's like an infection or disease or whatever that dogs get.

GPC, sometimes I get sad because I think about how if the quarantine hadn't happened, I think Spaghetti and Lou would be friends by now.

I do too. It's a bummer that they haven't met. I mean, we're still like, we won't let her go near other people or dogs because it's like, yeah.

Although Lou last night in the elevator. So we don't, we try to like not ride the elevator with people anyway because of COVID. And I was in the elevator last night with my mask and gloves on. Like I look like don't get in the elevator and I'm with my dog. And this woman come, like starts to come in. I go, actually she's, um, Really afraid of other dogs. We want to ride the elevator alone. And then for the 10th time in this building, she went, that's OK. And she came on the elevator with me. And so I'm fuming.

That sucks. Erin, why would you use that as an excuse and not just say, I have COVID. Don't come on this elevator.

I panicked. But then so she's on the elevator with me and then Lou normally would like start growling and barking like crazy but instead she immediately just tipped over and fell on her back and laid on her stomach and just gave the other dog side eye and was like looking at me and then back at the dog and then looking at me and was like oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god what do I do? I'm dying laughing.

That lady should have been like, oh, it's okay. My dog's a fucking boss. My dog will put your dog in its place and that's it.

This dog was an eighth of the size. And Lou was like, oh my God.

Can I say something real quick? It's a thought I just had. I don't think bears hybrid anything is that impressive in terms of like animals can do things or know things we don't. Because when you think about it, it's just like they're going into a little coma. And I don't find that impressive at all. You couldn't just go in a coma. Well, but I don't want to. I don't think here and sorry if it's just me, okay? But I don't feel like we should be lifting up bears because they can go into comas.

Adal, can I give you money to write a book about how uninterested you are in life's miracles?

Yeah.

You're like, rainbows? Boo. Kiss. Fucking magnets.

How do they work?

Ma'am, we've got some bad news. Your husband's in a coma. So? Oh, it's one he doesn't want to be in.

Oh my god. Oh my god. That's the... Doctor! Famously the Smith song, girlfriend in a coma is about a bear. My girlfriend in a coma, I know, I know.

Okay, ready?

Yeah, I'm ready.

I have no brain, but I can speak. Adal. Nice.

Yes, I crushed you before you got me. And it's a contest that I'm never going down.

And I'm just gonna... Here we go. All right. I have no brain, but I can speak. Sometimes all I say is beep. I'm made of tin, but I'm no man. I'll try to help you if I can. I may break, but I won't die.

You'll often hear me after I. E. J. What? After I. I before E, but except that should be. I, I, captain.

I, the letter. It's a captain.

I. Wink. So it's either I do, I, I, Captain, H, I, J, J, I, Ball, I, Robot. Made it.

Yeah.

Is it?

It's a robot.

Robot. I want to see a scene.

Before we do, can I read their explanation for this one? The fourth line is a reference to Isaac Asimov's law of robotics, which says robots can't hurt humans. And the last line is a reference to his book slash movie I, Robot.

I tried to read some of Asimov's foundation series and I just could not get into it.

Am I saying that? Did I say Asimov?

Asimov, yeah. Cool. I think that's right. We're both saying it wrong.

No, we're both saying it wrong. We're both saying Asimov, but it's wrong.

Who's an Asi? Asi?

Asi mobs? It's Isaac Asimov.

Adal, what scene would you like to see?

I want to see a scene. You are both robots, but JPC, you are a raw bot, and Erin, you are a rowboat. Is this fun? Yes, you know, this is great.

Wait, what is JPC?

I'm a raw bot, and you're a raw bot.

Beep boop.

Come on in.

Kean comes into the ring.

All right.

Kean betrays Undertaker. He puts him through a table.

I'm made of wood, so let's see. I have these oars. I could throw them.

Tables are made of wood. Tables, letters, and chairs match are the Dudley Brothers special.

I don't have arms or legs to throw.

If you throw a match, you will be suspended from professional wrestling.

I'm not winning?

That was my favorite scene of all time. Yep. WWF Raw. Let's do one more riddle and then we'll go into some plugs.

We're going to do the rest of these fast because I want to, we'll do it so, so fast. So if you don't get it right away, I'm just going to tell you because I don't, they worked so hard on these and I want to make sure I read them.

They work so hard on them. Let's speed through them.

Here's a ditty for the dead. The song for wit, sorry. Here's a ditty for the ditz, a song for that which comes in bits. I speak no words, but you can hear my message still loud and clear. I'm fond quite, I'm sorry, I'm found quite often on a ship. You may think I'm just a blip. I ham it up in modern times. If you have the call, I have the signs.

Radar?

Close.

Ace of Ace?

Hints. A famous quote of mine is SOS.

Sending out an S.O.S. Oh, Sting.

The police.

What is that called?

E.O.

and sometimes one.

Morse code? Yep, Morse code. Many riddles I do hold, hidden somewhere in my fold. You know me for my big feet, and in my riddles I may cheat. I help restore a mighty king. If you know, give me a ring.

Mmm, Adal. Riddle Squatch. Pud Squatch.

Is there like a fairy tale something that has big feet? No. Pinocchio has big nose.

Yeah, there is. Not fairy tale, but fictional. Fictional big feet. This would be Wreck-It Ralph. Slenderfoot. This sounds familiar to me. Does Rumpelstiltskin have big feet? No.

No one knows about his feet.

Who has famously large feet?

Oh, there's... Dumbo?

Have you read the fairy tale?

Dumbo has big feet? No, I thought you said something else.

Oh. Gumbo. So it sounds like Dumbo. Dumbo. Dumbo. Columbo. One more thing. Look at my feet. What about, is it Big Dick Gary?

What are you talking about?

You've never heard the fairy tale of Big Dick Gary? Is it Frodo or Bilbo?

It's The Hobbit. It's not nice. Many riddles I do hold, hidden somewhere in my fold. You know me for my big feet, and in riddles I may cheat. I help restore a mighty king. If you know, give me a ring. The first couple is for the book, Fold Being Pages, and the other two for Bilbo and Frodo. Also, I promise I wasn't trying to be gross with the fold line. I just needed a rhyme. And then they have one more riddle. They didn't write this one. What can you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with?

My ass. Alright, what do I have to plug?

That's confidence, baby. What can you sit on, stand on, and brush your teeth with?

What can you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with?

This sounds like a comedy sports game. We're going to play sitting, standing, brushing your teeth. One of you always has to be sitting. One of you always has to be brushing your teeth.

And you all need to be drinking because this is a brutal show.

Sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth. I want to say helix.

No, it is a chair, a bed, and a toothbrush. Sort of a joke.

That rules.

Thank you, Tara. I love these riddles. Tara, please submit more riddles. Also, Ellie and Max, thank you so much. I will get to more listener submitted riddles next time by host. Thank you so much, everybody, for submitting. H-R-R podcast at gmail.com. Send in riddles.

And if you want to hear the whole fairytale of Big Dick, Gary, go ahead and email us at hrrpodcast.gmail.com. And let's get into some plugs. I have something to plug. Erin Keif. I was recently a guest on the gunkhole state park podcast. A delightful podcast by our friend Alex Nichols. So please listen to the Gunkhole State Park podcast. And JPC was also a guest at one point. So check out that please. JPC, anything to plug?

Yes. So you can follow me on Twitter at gpsofly. Follow me on Twitch at sharkbarkman. And I think coming out this week or no, by the time this is out, it's already out. I have a new podcast called the Build Bud podcast with my friend Johnny O'Mara. We are reviewing pop music albums. So we're taking albums and then doing our full review. Johnny is from the campaign podcast. We worked together on that podcast for many years. We both love pop music and we're very excited about this new podcast.

I'm so excited to listen. Congratulations.

Type in Bill Buds into where you get your podcast. One word. And then go to that and that will be us. And you'll know that it's us because the logo says with Johnny and JPC.

Wait, you told me that Bill Buds was about money and weed.

Okay, so your episode did get a little off topic. And I did maybe say a lie to you to make you feel good about what we had recorded. Thank you, I appreciate it.

Erin, anything to- That's sweet friendship. Erin, like a hibernating bear, anything to plug?

Other than my butt so I can hibernate. Yes, I was on two podcasts recently. I'm not sure when the episodes will come out in relation to this episode, but I was on Treasure Hunting Helen and it was an absolute blast and they were very patient with my technical issues and that was amazing. So check that out. I was also on the redo pod, which I know Adal, you were on that podcast as well.

I was on both of those.

You've been in both. Also the Redo Pod, they were really, really patient with my technical issues, so thank you so much for that. And you can check out that episode soon. Both episodes were an absolute blast to be on and I had the best time. Also follow me, Erin Keif 10 on Instagram and Erin Keif 2 on Twitter.

Erin, would you say that GPC and I are patient with your technical issues?

I'd say you're patient with me all around. You two just seem like my very fatigued older brothers who are very, very patient with me.

What about that time we said, why don't you go fucking hibernate on...

Did you say that to my face? Oh, on Jupiter. I guess that was pretty patient.

Wait, hold on. Erin's frozen.

No, I'm not. I'm not frozen. Jupiter. I'm not frozen. Shit.

What do we do here? Casey? This is one of these technical issues that we always deal with. I guess one of us will have to say Jupiter. Do you want to say bye forever, Jupiter?

You know what? Why don't I say bye forever because I never get to say it. And you can say Jupiter because you never get to say it. Yeah, Jupiter. Bye for now. Bye for now. If you liked that, then you are going to love this week's Patreon episode. We dive into the world of improv warmup games. You can find that in all of our back catalog on patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle by joining the Clue crew for $5 a month or joining the review crew for $8 a month. See you there. That was a hate gun podcast.