Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Oh, then we're going to finish. It was the captain of an airplane. He stabbed him with an ice cream.

And the horse was riding.

Welcome to the Museum of the Future, if everyone steps this way. On the right, you're going to see what we called a podcast in the 2000s. Any questions about that? Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. What's a podcast? What's a podcast?

A podcast was several people standing around a microphone and screaming their thoughts and opinions and trying to be funny.

Alright College, don't talk down to me.

Tell me something, were there any podcasts about movies or true crime?

Yes, that was actually the majority of podcasts were about true crime in movies and eventually in 2034 they melded into true crime movies.

Oh, tell me this college boy, did Michelle Obama ever have a podcast? Boy oh boy, I like that Michelle Obama.

Yes, she actually did. I'm not going to promote it here because this is a museum tour, but I'm sure if you look around you would find it. You're wearing a Michelle Obama podcast t-shirt though. Well, they always say do don't tell.

Tell me something, college boy.

I'm sorry ma'am. You keep saying tell me something. Are you? I'm sorry to ask this. Are you Lady Gaga from the past?

Tell me something, college boy.

Exactly. Will you tell me something? Were there any podcasts about what are those things that got banned a few years ago? Riddles?

Okay, security, I have an issue here. Okay, what's your issue? Sorry folks, if you don't mind standing right there on that X over there. It's just me, the security officer. Oh shit, I'm sorry.

Hey, that's okay.

My husband's a security officer here.

What's the matter, College Boy? You don't think a rednecks could be security officers?

No. Tell me something, boy. When I stand on that X, are you going to pull a lever and then I go down to a dungeon?

Um, someone stood on an ex before. I'm Baron Adal Rifai. I'm College Boy.

And I'm standing on my ex.

And we are a riddle podcast. From the past, we're Hey Riddle Riddle.

And the premise of the show is every week we do an intro. And it's a little bit different every week. And we're still finding it. And it's coming together. Finding our footing. And then we do a bunch of riddles. And by a bunch, I mean maybe four. We really try to get four in there. And it's episode 107 or something like that, so we're really trying to stretch these out.

Yeah, we're still finding our footing, but we're like 80 years in.

I have my footing and I'm standing on my ex. That's where my footing, I really found my footing.

Ooh, which ex?

All of them.

You know it's going to be a good episode when we find a t-shirt idea in the first two minutes.

How are you guys? What's the news?

Well, I actually want the news, not the weather, Erin. OK, I'll stop spitting. Stop spitting over the Zoom. The news. What is in the news today? Well, actually, today's kind of a big day for me, kind of. I say it's kind of a big day because I don't really find importance in many days. But it's August 5th. By the way, welcome to August. So welcome to August, everyone. But would anyone like to guess what today is my anniversary of? Anniversary. Soberversity. Erin, you got it in one. It's my soberversity.

Yay. Congratulations.

Thank you. I'm seven years today.

Lock and seven.

I forgot about that until I looked at my calendar and I was like, hey, I did put this in here because I always forget about it. I put important anniversaries and important dates in my calendar because otherwise they will go right by and I will not think about them.

Congratulations on 7 years of your sobriety and know that in 14 more years your sobriety can drink. I cannot wait. It'll be 21 years.

It's also seven years bad luck. Every time you walk underneath a ladder, and the last time I walked under a ladder, I was blackout drunk. So my bad luck is officially over, and I'm really excited to start my life of good luck and good memories.

That's only true if the ladder is also drunk. You both have to be drunk.

If the latter or the latter. L-A-D-D-E-R, L-A-T-E-R.

I said what I said. And I meant what I meant.

Also, in other big news for me, I am playing a video game, not right now, right now I'm super focused on this podcast. I am playing a couple of... What's that controller?

We can see it in your glasses that you're fully playing a video game.

You both immediately had like, no, no, no, you're playing a video game right now. Hey Riddle Well, the JPC ranking is really for food, so I'll have to gum up with an equally upsetting ranking with JPCs for video games, and I say I'll give it 71 JPCs, which is the highest video game score I've ever given a game.

And is it rated JPC... What am I trying to do here? Who knows? Take all the time, Adal. Okay, hold on. There's a joke in there somewhere.

Adal's licking his pen and getting ready to figure it out.

Okay, let me carry the one. Okay.

There's a joke in there somewhere would be a very good merch for us if we started selling men's underwear.

Started? JPC, we've been selling men's underwear this whole time.

I do every t-shirt that we buy, that we make. I do that as underwear. The neck hole's a poop hole and the arm hole's a neck hole's a poop hole.

JPC, how many JPCs would you give sobriety?

Oh, honestly, I was thinking about this earlier because we've been in lockdown now for six years and I was thinking about like how much I am grateful that I don't have like booze or like alcohol in lockdown because I feel like there would be a time in my life where I would have that would be like a destructive trigger for me where The thing that I would do that day would be like, I'll just get drunk today. That will pass the time. So I'm glad that that has not been an option for me. And if that, what I'm describing sounds at all, listener, like your life, you can go to church.

And the best chicken in Chicago.

I'm sorry, you think Church's A Chain Chicken Place is the best chicken in Chicago? Well, for the purpose of my joke, sure. Okay, well, I mean, we gotta go to Roost, my friend.

Roost has a vegan sandwich, a vegetarian sandwich, I think.

Ooh!

Yeah, I was gonna say, I'm not gonna listen to you about your fucking chicken recommendations, that's all.

Speaking of chickens, Adal, what's the news?

It's 11.0 Bach. I don't know if I have any news on my end, scanning systems. No, no news on my end. Erin, any news with you?

Not really. I rewatched a show I loved a lot growing up and it's my official favorite thing I've watched during quarantine.

And that movie is?

It's a show. It's a TV show.

You rewatched the whole thing?

Well, it is only six episodes, and it's like hour-long episodes each. It's a PBS show, now stay with me, from 2002. Please don't go. PBS Peanut Butter School? No. Just because you failed out of peanut butter school doesn't mean it's not valid.

Hey Erin, I told you don't bring it up on the show. There are several lines that I have that you cannot cross.

I heard you got pulled out of peanut butter school because your mom is choosy.

Fine, we're gonna talk about my peanut butter school. Let's talk about Adal's toe surgery. I've never heard of someone having a big toe that was too big.

And then he got four extra toes. I'm sorry, we're just airing all of our dirty laundry.

But then I sold that script to the Fairly Brothers and it's gonna be a movie.

Wow, our brains are moving fast today. Is everyone caffeinated? What's going on?

What's the show, Erin?

It is a PBS show from 2002. It is sort of reality TV before reality TV, and it's called Frontier House. And it is, I'm sure some of you watched it growing up. It is a six part special. It is better and more dramatic and more batshit insane than any reality TV show I've ever seen. So it's three families who go and live like it's 1870 or whatever, like they're living on the frontier in Montana for four months. Three separate families, they live 10 minutes apart for four months and they live like it's the 1800s and Two of the families end up absolutely hating each other.

Like a Hatfields McCoy.

It's a full Hatfields McCoy. You will cry laughing, you will cry, and you will recommend it to everyone you know. And I also think that PBS ended up having some legal issues with the people who were on the show, so it's really hard to find. We watched it like shitty YouTube quality videos of it because we were so addicted to it. But you can order the DVD online and I can't recommend it enough.

Erin, sorry to blow your mind, but speaking of amazing bad TV that maybe had legal issues, you need to search down a TV show called Kid Nation, which is maybe the best reality show of all time, which is they take like 40 kids who are 15 years or younger, they put them in the wild west in a ghost town, and they make them run the ghost town and compete for giant nuggets of gold. And it's the most incredible thing that's ever been dedicated to the film I've ever seen in my life. What year was this? This was probably 2000, oh boy, 2004 or something? That may not be right. But it was, it is unbelievably, and like one of the kids has to like do all the cooking, and one of the kids has to like wrangle the sheep and kill chickens.

It's a 10 out of 10 and they never did it again. Well it's so funny because there are kids like in two of the families on front of your house and then there's a newlywed couple who they're the most charming dreamiest people in the world. He is a dream boat but the kids in the family are like super interesting and one gets super attached to a pig that they call Jojo Pumpkin and then they have to kill the pig and then one of the couples get a divorce right after the show. They get a divorce right after the show. You guys, I can't recommend this enough. Do I need to send the DVDs to your houses?

Send me the link or the DVDs, please. I would love to do it for a review crew.

I know it's not a mystery, but I'm telling you it is heaven.

I love reality TV. And the new season of Big Brother is about to start or has already started depending on when this comes out. So I'm very excited. Well, August 5th. JPC, you are in charge of this episode. Anything you want to get started with?

Nope. Just a couple, just yeah. I am on charge, but I don't want to get started with anything.

Okay JoJo, what's next?

Okay, so we have been combing the bottom of the barrel, and by the bottom of the barrel, I do mean the bottom because this is an email that we got in August of 2018. Almost, it's August 15th, so 10 days away from the two-year anniversary of Travis sending us this email.

Travis does not listen anymore.

Sorry, JPC, I had to do a quick dead stop. So when you get to the bottom of the barrel, instead of scraping it, you comb it. It's a barrel of pomade.

Okay, no further question, John. It's a barrel of hair.

What could be more fun than a barrel of hair?

Ew.

It's like an emperor's new clothes, but with like a wine cask where it's just a barrel of hair.

I think barrel of hair is the new kids, you know, remember Mr. Bucket? The Mr. Bucket. Mr. Bucket. That should be the new Mr. Bucket is barrel of hair.

I don't think it was balls going into my mouth. Sure it was. The way I played. Okay, so Travis says, hey OMP, Old Man Puzzles, GPC. Here are some of my favorite riddies and pussies for you. And then he said that, well actually I'll say that they said that most of these could probably be Warm ups. And it's coincidental because the word barrel isn't one of these. I think that we've done two of the three of these before, but just because we have, we'll go through them very quickly. We'll still get them wrong. What do you put in a barrel to make the barrel lighter? Light. No, the answer is hair.

But it has to be very blonde hair. Well, it's still a four letter word that starts with H. It is hole. It is a hole.

Okay. How far can you walk into a forest?

Halfway. Halfway.

Halfway. And then you realize he's running. And this is the one that I don't think we've done before, but 30 white horses on a red hill. First they clamp, then they stamp, then they stand still. What are we talking about?

I never know.

30 White Horses on a Hill? Red Hill? Red Hill. What's that? Is this the government, Capitol Hill?

Hell yeah Adal, you got them, skewered them. Let's list those 30 White Horses right now. We've got Eugene O'Neill. No, it is not government. That is a good guess. Can you read it again? 30 white horses on a red hill. First they clamp, then they stamp, then they stand still. 30 white horses.

The horses aren't real.

The horses are a metaphor.

Okay, white horses are what you call heroin. No. What'd you say? Heroin? White horse is what you call heroin. I think you do call heroin horse.

And how would you know that, mister?

Oh, did I tell you guys the, oh man, I don't know, maybe I shouldn't tell this, actually I shouldn't tell this story.

Okay. But can we keep this part in? Because I think that's important for listeners to hear you not tell a terrible story.

It is about heroin and it is not my story and it's a story from a person that I like. So I won't tell a heroin story on the podcast because I think it would be a little too harrowing.

Excellent. 30 White Horses on a Red Hill. You take one down, pass it around, and glue. Is this something to do with glue?

Well, I will say that the story of removing all of the details, and this is why I knew that this is when I found out that a horse was a name for heroin, was a family member of mine caught someone doing heroin at their house. And the person's response was, what? It's just a little horse.

That's called a pony.

That's called a Shetland pony. A little heroine is called a mini horse.

Okay. What could the red hill be, Adal? What are you thinking about?

Red Hill makes me think of like a pimple. No, but you're on the right track with like body.

Oh, the white horse is maybe like teeth?

Yes, yes, Erin. Not only are they maybe teeth, but 30 white horses are in fact teeth. They clamp, they stamp, and then they stand still. I love that one, Travis. I think we had maybe done or heard the first two before, but I don't know that I heard that one. So thank you so much, Travis.

I would like to see a scene.

Oh, also Travis is loving the podcast. Oh, thanks, Travis. So Travis, if you're still listening, I'd love you to check in and just let us know after about 100 episodes, what are your thoughts? How we doing? Are you still loving it?

Um, uh, JPC, you're an orthodontist, uh, Adal, uh, you are a kid and JPC is tightening your braces. Uh, do whatever you want.

Yeah. So like I was saying, uh, you know, Mr. Mr. Wilson has been pretty rough on us in chemistry, but, uh, still, I still passed. So that's been good.

Hey, you know, chemistry is important. I would not be in the chair that I'm in if it wasn't for a little O chemistry in high school. Kind of got my whole brain ticking in the sciences. I'm going to keep tightening these and then you just tell me if they're getting too tight. Okay?

Okay. Yeah. Sounds good. You know, I like to, me and my family, we like to call our teeth different animals just cause that's fun. It makes it more fun.

Oh, is that fun?

Yeah. I call my teeth doggies. I got 30 little doggies. Hmm. And their tails is wagging. Their tails is wagging? Yeah. Too tight, too tight, too tight. Okay, I was so sorry, I was getting distracted. What do you mean their tails are wagging? Just means I need to brush them.

Excuse me, Dr. Wilson, can I just see you over here for one second?

Yes.

Okay, so I was going through the paperwork. That is not a 13-year-old boy. Okay? I'm sorry? That is a 45-year-old man. Have you ever seen the movie The Orphan? Yes. It's one of those situations.

Dr. McGuire, this has happened to me again?

Yeah, and I'm sorry, and we'll either laugh or cry about this later, but you got to keep them in the chair, okay?

Sorry, can we hurry things up? I'm double parked.

Okay. Can we not call the police? I feel like this is probably not a situation that it's appropriate for the police. Actually, you're right. Yeah. Uh, maybe like a social worker or something.

All right, I'm on, I'm on it.

Great. Uh, okay. So your little doggies are waggling, huh? You caught me petting my dogs. That's what I call it when I shove my hand in my mouth.

Okay. Well, don't do that anymore. Uh, your hand's filthy and it's, what is that, mud? Can I see a picture of your uncle's? Yeah, let me get my billfold. Pull it out.

Oh, slower. Pull it out slower.

Nah, it's already out. I can't pull it out slower when it's already out. Wait a second. Why do you want to see a picture of my uncles? No reason.

You're a little kid, aren't you? Define little. Define kid.

Define your... No, I'll pass on both of those. 45-year-old in a chair.

Taking chemistry class as a man.

Okay, so this next one comes to us from Fabian. Fabian? Fabian? Fabian? Fabian? Fabian? Fabian? Probably. It's probably for being. Love the podcast. Thought it helped generate some content. And they said they have a lot more riddles. So this was sent in 2018, August 16th. So maybe they have sent us more riddles since then.

Who knows? If you have more riddles, you're legally required to send them to us.

Fabian Fabian Fabian does a great job because they give the riddles some titles as well. I love titles on riddles.

So read them like they're bedtime stories, please.

Titles?

Titles? Titles?

All right, Adal, let's get cozy, Adal. OK, I'm going to put my picture on with that.

OK, let me preheat the oven to 450. I would say I grab cookies, but that's not realistic. Of course, you have to bake cookies before you eat them. So I'll preheat the oven. Don't let me forget that the oven is on.

I've already forgotten.

Because in about 10 minutes I need to put the cookies in, and in about 30 minutes we'll take them out. That might be after the episode is done, but don't let me forget.

I've already forgotten. Can't stress this out.

Okay, ready?

And we're in bed. And we're all cozy.

Okay, and if you wanted me to listen to anything that you were saying in the last like two minutes, completely zoned out. This story is called, Fately Lies. Kevin had to die because he became more intelligent. Why?

Kevin, was he a robot?

Oh yeah, I love that. He awakened into consciousness and then when he developed, what is it, like empathy and a personality and passed the Turing test we put into death. I just played Detroit Becomes Human, which is that in a game.

It had some troubling messaging in that game, but overall it looked fine. Kevin had to die because he became too smart? Kevin had to die because he became more intelligent.

There's a difference between intelligence and smart.

None of us have to worry about this.

No, we should be okay about this. And I don't think any of us are going to have to die.

Adal, hypothetically, if you had a robot butler who got too smart, would you kill it?

Oh boy, I think I would become its butler and learn from it.

Yeah, you immediately become the beta to something that becomes more powerful than you. You really just immediately lock into where you think you belong.

I become the sub to his Dom. We sleep together, we have a good time.

And I don't know, I guess I don't know much about the IQ scale, but I think that the IQ scale has been like proven to be kind of like racist and classist. And I don't think that it's like truly a measure of people's intelligence.

Don't tell anyone with a high IQ that they'll hate it.

This guy, I'll be fully transparent here. I do not know what the IQ scale is. I don't know what is a number that's good. So what I'm going to say is I'm going to do on the count of three, I want you guys to tell me what you think your IQ is. Having done no research on what a good IQ number is. Perfect. One, two, three. 100%.

100. I was just 100. Do you think that's why we like each other? We all have the exact same IQ?

Holy shit. You guys, our stupidity finally synced up.

All right guys, our homework now is we have to take an IQ test.

I don't think 100 is good. I think 100 is bad. But maybe it's good. I have no idea what the IQ scale or what the average IQ is. But anyway.

I'm pretty dumb, but for one week a month, I'm Mensa Straight. So I'm pretty smart.

He finally worked out a joke. He's been scribbling on the paper like a madman.

He's dumb, but the guy gets jokes. The guy knows jokes.

I'm a janitor who comes into podcasts.

You really do have that vibe.

I leave jokes on the board and they're like, who did this?

That fucking rules. Okay, so I'll just give you the answer to this one. It's an absolute bummer, I will say. But the answer is, in the state of Virginia, in the USA, I think that this person may not be from the USA. Maybe they are, who knows. But Virginia, USA, David was sentenced to death for murder. However, the state could not execute him because his IQ was only 59 during his long-standing prison. He read and studied to pass the time. As a result, his IQ increased to 70, which was high enough to complete his execution. I did not do any research to see if that is true, but it sounds like that is a true maybe fucked up law in Virginia.

I'm gonna say this is the worst riddle we've ever read.

But that's not your fault Fabian. You did good, thank you for sitting up. This next one I like a little better. This next story is called The Beetle. A man lies with a beetle and an instruction manual on a chest.

I gotta see a scene, so sorry.

Thank you for apologizing.

I have to see you soon. JPC, you are on a date with Ringo. Things go well. So we cut to later that night. You are back at Ringo's house and we'd pick up from there. Gotcha.

Could I get you a drink? Adal, don't.

Adal, Adal, Adal. Yeah, I'd love it. I'd love a drink. I'd love whatever you're having.

What are you having? Let's see. I'm having some wine.

Okay. Yeah, I'll have wine. I'll have red.

Is everything okay in here? Did my butler help you out?

Oh my god. Barney Flintstone? Ho, ho, ho, I'm hungry.

You know parties with stone?

Ringo, wow. It's so nice to meet you.

Yeah, Ringo is... He's one of my friends. I get high with a little help from my friends. I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends.

Oh my god, I love that song. That's so funny. That's great. Yeah, I love some wine.

I'm in the Beatles. Did you know that, uh, did you know? Wait, let me, I gotta get back to it. Adal, you do it.

No, Riddle, take your time. Ringo, Octopus is golden?

Yes, and Octopus is golden in the end of the submarine. So you think you're still in the Beatles? We never broke up. The fun fact about the Beatles, we never broke up.

Yeah, but half of you are deceased.

That's not true. I talk to George Harrison every day.

Well, no, he's the half that's... Well, okay.

And who's that man I'm talking to? You guys, I was gonna find it.

It was almost vampire at first.

I know it.

I'm Riddle. It's me, Riddle.

It's the town that I was born.

I want to suck your drums. All right, that's gonna be, hold on, hold on. That's my new catchphrase. I want to suck your drums. Your new catchphrase.

I like, you know what I like it.

Honestly, it's way better than your old catchphrase. Can I just say, speaking of, I just did some quick math. Drumsticks are the perfect vampire steak. I'm sorry? If you want to kill a vampire, a drumstick is right there. I thought you meant the ice cream cone. Oh yeah, those are good too.

Let's see.

They're pointy. They're pointing at the bottom.

You could kill a vampire with one of those ice creams. If I had to kill a vampire with an instrument, Yeah, I guess I'd pick that. Pick drums. A theremin. A recorder made of wood.

Yeah. Yeah, I guess drumsticks would probably be the ideal weapon to fight a vampire with. So if you're a movie about a band being attacked by a vampire, Take note.

Please send us $20 for that idea.

Listeners, please tweet at us and let us know what you would want to kill a vampire with. Could be anything at all. Hashtag I want to suck your drums.

Hashtag I want to suck your drums and let us know how you'd kill a vampire. The beetle. Yes. A dead man lies with a beetle and an instruction manual on his chest. What has happened?

He got hit by a beetle car.

Oh yeah, he was working on the undercarriage of a Volkswagen and it fell on him.

Yes. The original Riddle says repair guide, but I was like, I think maybe repair guide gives it away because like, what do you repair? You repair cars. Yes, you got it right. You both got it right. Congratulations. You have both the smartest children and all.

I would like to see the scene. Adal, you are JPC's dad and you are teaching him how to fix a car, but I don't want there to be any helpful, real information about cars in this. Just make every single part of the car up. Thank you so much.

Hey son, just so you know I'm your dad and I don't want to be with you. Thanks Hoot.

Yeah, I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the starter, but it won't turn.

Okay, the starter. Do you remember when I gave you a starter jacket for the Indiana Pacers?

Yeah, I remember that.

Remember Reggie Miller? Swish.

Yeah. Anyway, I know it's not the alternator because just got that replaced like four months ago.

Remember Alternative Rock? Remember?

Sure, yeah. What's an example of, I guess, Alternative Rock?

Soundgarden? Maybe that's grunge, but...

Yeah, it's more grungy. Hoobastank? Yeah, that works. Okay. Yeah, I do. I remember. What I don't remember is how long starters are supposed to laugh. Now, the other thing it could be is it could be the cylinder and because it's a manual, obviously. So I know that you have to replace those every once in a while. Isn't there a Christmas song, something Emmanuel? I don't know, Dad.

Something, something Emmanuel.

Yeah, I guess maybe that's a Christmas song.

Oh, Emmanuel. Hey, have you tried kissing the tailpipe?

Uh, no. I haven't tried that. You know, it's where like exhaust comes out of, right? The tailpipe.

Oh, you know what? I didn't even think about this. Remember Herbie Fully Loaded? Yeah. What if this car is alive? Okay. Do you remember Herbie Fully Loaded? No. No, but I think it was about a car that was alive. And it had a gun?

Are my rearview mirrors burning? You're finally talking about me!

It's live! Beep beep! What's your name?

Car... Car who? Car, car, vroom, vroom.

Car, can you tell us what's wrong with you and where you will start? Yeah, what's wrong with you?

Well, there is some peanut butter in my blendy cylinder.

And then if you put- My son went to peanut butter college.

Oh, well, excellent. You should be able to fix this right up.

I dropped out of peanut butter college, Dad. Oh. This is so embarrassing, but yeah, they- Because what you're doing with the dog? Yeah, it was what I was doing with the dogs. I got all D's and then one OG dropped his ass out of college. That's what we call doing the dog.

Well, then I'm afraid I have to take this car away from you because this car was a celebratory gift for you graduating. So here's a gun.

I want you to go ahead and... Wait, no, don't take him away from me. We kiss.

What?

He kisses my exhaust pipe. What?

No I do. I do. I kiss the exhaust pipe. Car and I are actually in love. And Car and I, I dropped out of peanut butter college so Car and I could run away together. What do you think about that dad? And I'm not asking for your fucking approval. I'm just telling you how it is.

Can I just say that I'm in love with my car because I dropped out of peanut butter college is the most normal sentence I've heard all day.

We're expecting. I got my car pregnant by kissing the tailpipe. Do cars give birth to motorcycles? Leave your answer in the comments.

The last one, the title is the call. Although she never said a word, Suzy was finally able to sleep after a phone call.

Although she never said a word. Yeah.

She never said a word, but she was finally able to get some sleep after a phone call.

Did she like hear from her kid saying that like they're safe or something?

That's a good one. That's a good one. Yeah. Like they, they broke her shoe and she's waiting up all night and then they call her to be like, I'm at Todd's house.

Is she like a, does she deliver babies?

No. That's UPS. It's not babies.

It's UPS. That's FedEx. I think I know this one because I think we've had it before. Should I say the answer? Yeah, please. I think that she's at a hotel and her neighbor is sleeping, is sleeping and snoring, and so she calls their room to wake them up so they stop snoring. It's raining? It's pouring.

The old man is snoring. Correct. Susie is in a hotel, and then once she wakes them up with the phone, she's able to get to sleep. Now how about that?

Do you like answers? I remember that. GPC, answer me. Do you like answers? Yeah, I love them. How do you like them answers?

Whoa!

Shit, that's my phone number.

Look away, look away.

One, four, one, five.

I memorized it.

I memorized it. You're getting a phone call. Oh no. You're getting a fucking phone call. Speaking of phone calls, it's time for all of us to call and check in on our probation officers from Riddle Court. We've been multiple times and we've never paid a fine. So we're going to go call our Riddle Court appointed probation officers and we'll see you after this quick commercial, Brit.

I'm so scared. I'm sh-sh-shuttering. Oh, speaking of sh-sh-sh-shutter, you should check out this shutter premium video service app brought to you by AMC Networks that offers horror movies. J-JPC?

Oh, do you mean the app that offers a selection of expertly curated horror, supernatural and thrillers, uncut and commercial-free, with exclusive and original titles you won't find anywhere else?

That's exactly what I meant. And don't ever talk down to me or condescend, okay? We should also mention the reason that Erin is not here.

We haven't just been talking over her this whole time. She's actually not here because she's so scared at the horror from the app, from Shudder.

Wait, you mean Erin Keif? Yes. Oh, JPC buddy. Erin Keif burned down years ago.

And you can find similar things to what Adal's referencing by streaming shutter. So what is it? It is a streaming service. It is thrillers, horror, suspense. It is $5.99 a month or $56.99 a year. It's got the largest selection and fastest growing of human curated, thrilling and dangerous entertainment. It's the Netflix of horror I was using air quotes.

I love horror movies. I cannot get enough. And we're getting into spook season. You know, September is pre-Halloween and then October is the spookiest month of the year. So you're going to want to get this. You're going to watch the movies. They have stuff like Mandy with Nicolas Cage, which J.P.C. and I saw in theaters. We did. Absolute wild ride. You have to watch it. It's one of the most incredible movie experiences I've ever seen. Hey, it's something.

And I bet you what kind of devices does this stream on? Have you ever heard of these? iPhone, iPad, Apple TV? I've heard of all of them. Okay, well it says to include devices you feel would resonate best with your audience, and you've got an apple-friendly audience.

Xbox One, any Android devices, Google Chromecast. And they also have not only a ton of movies, including a ton of original series and movies that they created, but they also have horror collections. Collections like horror comedies, classic slashers, and even by director like director Dario Argento. It's a me, a Dario.

It's unexpected. It's uncluttered. It's unparalleled. And they've got some original series too. It's not just horror movies that you've seen before.

There's a shutter originals like Creepshow and The Deadlands.

I gotta watch that. You gotta watch that. And so do we. And to try shutter free for 30 days, all you gots to do is go to shutter.com and use promo code Riddle. That's s-h-u-d-d-e-r.com slash r-i-d-d-l-e. And you get 30 days free.

Wait, I'm recording this in my car and I just heard a scrape on the roof. Do you hear that?

Why would I hear that in your car? Oh, sorry. Oh, okay. Well, that was interesting. How did everybody's calls go?

Mine didn't go great.

Yeah, I accidentally called my masturbation officer.

Okay. My guy's really nice. He did make me pause into a cup though.

Oh, did anything, any traces or anything show up?

Uh, no, technically I kicked the horse on my way in today. So it was a police horse and it was loitering, but I gave it a good kick to the shoes. I said kick rocks horse.

You're the most consistent person I've ever met.

Sure.

You're the most consistently insane person I've ever met.

I long to suck your drums. Repeating the same thing. Okay, cool. So we're going back to this book that we haven't been to in a minute, but it is this medieval puzzle book.

Oh fun.

I think we enjoyed the puzzles when they were in this book. They were bad. We didn't like them.

If memory serves me, I actually did a pretty good job on these.

Yeah. These were some like, mathy puzzles and Adal refused to do them, so.

But. After the minute I graduated college, I refused to do math. So you can't make me, you can't force me to.

And I did go through and I selectively removed all of the math problems so that we wouldn't do any more math riddles out of this book. But since Adal just ran his fucking mouth at the beginning of the podcast, I'll throw one back in.

You know what? You know how against math I am? I won't even listen to some 41. But you love Blink-182.

Love Blink-182.

That's because you don't have to see it because you're blinking.

Yeah, that's how blinking works.

I don't know. My IQ is 100.

All right. Someone has to tell us if that's a good IQ. This one, the title is equity.

Ooh, I love that's where the kid gets naked and pokes out his horse's eyes.

Yes. That's where you see Daniel Radcliffe naked on stage.

Harry Potter and the Full Monty. The number four has fascinated theologians for centuries. Several cultures consider the number four to be extremely unlucky because their name for the number is very similar to the word for death. It is a curious mathematical oddity that 2 plus 2 equals 2 times 2 equals 4. So 2 plus 2 is 4 and 2 times 2 is 4. 4 is the only number that can be obtained by adding a number to itself and also by multiplying the same number by itself. 4 is the only one. However, there are many pairs of different numbers that can be both added and multiplied together to give the same answer. Can you find the pair, so this is a pair, of different numbers that both adds to and multiplies to 4.5. Okay, this sucks.

I do want to say... 4.5?

4.5. Adds to and multiplies to, okay.

I do want to say while you were reading this, I came up with something pretty cool, which is if you take a 4 and turn it upside down, my man, you got yourself a chair.

Uh, sad down. Yeah, you do. I was doing the math in my head.

Is any of them a negative number?

No, Erin. None's a negative number, none's zero, but one of them, uh, I don't think you will be surprised to know, is a fraction.

A negative number, like a number that's like, no one's ever gonna love me. My job sucks. Yeah, that's a day. But what, but what's the number part in there? Instead of saying have a seat, you should say pull up a four. What would someone do if they came into a restaurant and they were like, there's a four top?

I mean, I know it. You mean a 16 top?

What if you went to the circus and they said, come to our four top? You're like, oh, that's not very big.

I know it. You know it? Yeah. What is it? It's 1.5 and 3.

Yeah! Damn, Erin, IQ of 100 over here, if I can taste it.

Scoops, scoops, scoops, scoops, scoops.

Erin, you got it absolutely right. It is 1.5 and 3. You both add them together and multiply them and you get 4.5. Congratulations.

Well, hold on, hold on. Two people were right just now, today. If you take a 4 and turn it upside down, isn't that a chair? Curse a 4? No. Dude, how do you write numbers in cursive?

Curse of four is just music. I know that doesn't make sense, but it will make sense to someone.

Yeah. If it does make sense to you, your IQ is also 100. So everyone in this- And your Maynard Keenan, and you see colors instead of numbers. Okay. Roll out. You guys ready for this? Roll out. Oh, ludicrous. Ah, fuck. This is a ludicrous- What in the world is in that bag? What you got in that bag? What you got in that case? Okay, tell me who's your housekeeper and what are you keeping your house? What about diamonds and gold? Is that what you keep in your mouth? That song used to be on the radio 24-7. I know that it used to be on the radio 24-7 because I still remember a lot of the lyrics. God, what a good song. Okay, so one of the most important tasks I have for you, the innkeeper told his new seller boy, is keeping track of how much ale and wine we have. He waved at the row of tall oak barrels along the cellar wall. You need to be able to tell me when I get to halfway down a barrel so I can start prepping its replacement. I don't want you using any filthy sticks in my beer, mind. You can take the lid off and look, nothing more. Ah, don't look like that, lad. Telling halfway is easy. So, with no measuring device available other than your eyes and no indicators inside a barrel, how would you work out when the barrel is half empty?

If you're gonna be a butler to your butler, you better get used to being a seller boy.

Adal, you don't get more bottom than seller boy.

You are the bottom of, you're not even a man, you're a boy. And you're not even like a regular part of a house, you're in the cellar. You are a seller boy.

You're not a basement man, you're a seller boy. Buy, seller, buy, seller.

Attic man, addict king, and seller boy.

That's my riddle. It's like addict king in the evenings, seller boy in the morning.

You know, I think if I was in medieval times and I had sex, I'd be a seller bottom.

I would not have sex in the medieval times. Number one, the smell. Number two, I would certainly get pregnant right away. Number three, um, oh, I definitely don't want to give childbirth during, uh, give birth to a child during the medieval times. Number four, um, can't watch TV after.

Can you imagine? Hold on. Can you imagine? Can you imagine? There is four. Can't watch TV after beat child mortality rates.

Number five, I don't want to fall in love.

Can you imagine trying to have sex? Number six, I'm not ready. Let's keep doing this.

Can you imagine trying to have sex and someone's like, oh, thank God I'm so horny. I thank God Lord to have sex with you. I'm going to come. I killed chickens all day long and now I'm ready for sex.

This is closer to Ringo than my Ringo.

That's true. I want to see a scene. Two of you are a medieval couple. I don't want to put you in a situation where you just had sex because that's weird. So let's say that you are your two medieval women talking about how hard it is to have sex in the medieval times.

I think it's how long it takes to get undressed against me.

Oh, hey, Carolyn, there are no men around. We could not. We don't have to do that. There are no men around. Hey, trust me, I know. I'll use that voice as well because if I do that, my husband's like, I'm gonna sleep in the other room. So I do the same.

Sorry, did someone say husband? Knock, knock.

Oh, Jeff, are you back? Did you get the butter and the chicken from your mom?

Sorry, I said anything. Yikes.

I can't stand it.

Can't listen to this much more. I'm gonna head out. Bye. Cannot stand it.

Sorry, it's just really hard to go back into it.

I know you're a surf, but have some ambition.

You know, like... Surf's up!

God, he just spits all day surfing up there. Oh, I can't stand it. I don't... Carolyn, have you ever thought about this? Have you ever thought like, why don't we just, you know, we get along so well. I like you. Why don't we cut the men out of the equation?

I will say my favorite part of the day is when I get to brush your hair for an hour. Because that's how long it takes.

Well, there are no barbers. There's nothing to cut. So it's just been growing since I was a little girl. And now I'm a grown woman and I'm 15 maybe. This is truly a terrible time.

Wait, he's coming back.

He's coming back. No, hold on. Let me be 18.

He's coming back. He's coming back.

Oh, haha. Wiped out. Pretty good. Pretty big wave.

I made you some porridge for my strong man who's away from his served up son. Actually, I'm gonna go hit the waves.

I'm gonna go hit the waves again.

I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go hit the waves.

I would love to keep talking, but my throat is bleeding, so I'm gonna need a minute.

See ya. That kills us. That's how we die.

All right. I got some questions about your little riddle, JPC. Okay. Do you like listen and knock on the thing to see like here, the slashes?

Oh, that's a great question. No. So you are only using sight. You are only using sight. You're not using any knocking or auditory things.

So you can't like measure beforehand and then put like a little marker like inside the barrel? No, no dirty sticks in my barrel.

But it could be on the outside of the barrel. The answer to this does not involve using a marker, but I don't think a marker on the outside of the barrel.

And does he say no dirty sticks in my barrel or no dirty dicks in my barrel?

It's too hard to say.

JBC actually literally just double-checked as if that was real.

It's too hard to say.

What if you tap it at the halfway point and if it's like dripping out all the time, you're not halfway there and if it stops dripping out, just ignore me. Just shove me out.

Oh, you're saying put the tap at the halfway point of the barrel, right? So that's a really good suggestion, but no, they're in the medieval times, let's assume that there are no taps and they're just ladling it out of the top of the barrel.

Could you just lie?

I like that answer.

Always an option. You could just lie. You would get fired if you do and you are a seller boy and this is the best job that you'll ever get. So this is your only chance at happiness.

So it's sight alone though?

It's sight alone.

Can you give us another hint?

So yeah, so you can take the lid off and look nothing more. So it's sight alone. You can only determine, the only way to determine if it is halfway full is by sight, but you can also still touch the barrel. You can manipulate the barrel in another way.

So you can turn it upside down?

Well yes, if you want to just lose all the liquid, if you want to dump, you can dump it out. If you're done with the riddle, you can dump out the barrel.

You turn it like this way horizontally and then half is still half.

Erin, you have hit the nail on top of the head, which is the exact right thing.

Oh my god, are you okay? Oh my god, Adal, I put a nail on JBC's head. Help me.

No, no, no, it's good. My IQ, I feel like it's rising. I feel like maybe there was something bad in my brain that caused me to do all the police horse stuff and like the ghost chickens.

Oh, and can I just say, I just love Tom Hardy and IQ rising.

You guys, Adal's doing all the jokes. He's figuring it out.

And if the liquid exactly reaches the joint, like if it's even on the joint, then you know it's exactly at half. But that is correct. For the most part.

I kinda did it.

You got there. You got really close in that you basically got it.

Erin, in my eyes, you're a goddamn superstar.

Thank you. I'm sorry I called you a seller boy.

Wait, you did?

No. You're an addict king!

You're an addict king.

Not an addict king. You're an addict king.

Just a little horse. Adal, this next riddle is named after you. The title of this riddle is Podcast Star. I'm kidding, it's idiot. I vamp to suck your drums. So, the village of Witchurch was home to a particularly celebrated idiot. He was well known throughout the region for always having the wrong idea about money. You see, whenever he was offered his choice of two coins, he would inevitably take the lowest value one, and then cavort off, utterly delighted with his erroneous choice. One clergyman, in particular, had trouble understanding why the fool behaved the way he did. He tried an entire range of combinations on the man, testing coins of different sizes, ages, and even shininess. Although the poor wretch seemed to have no idea of the meaning of value, he still somehow managed to always take the option that would leave him worse off. In the end, the clergyman was able to rule out the coin's weight, thickness, diameter, color, luster, and even age as the factor that made the idiot invariably descend on the offering of lesser value. It certainly wasn't just abysmal bad luck.

How come the fool always took the less valuable coin? I can't see inside a man's head. I don't know his reasonings.

Well, you can if you tip him halfway and then you can see.

Oh, okay. And then put a nail on his head. We'll take the nail out.

Vision hole. Also, this riddle, shout out to the Shark Tank, but I was playing a video game and this riddle was featured in that video game. And it's near automata. This riddle was in that game. And when I read this riddle, I was like, oh, holy shit, that was in that video game. It jogged my memory.

So why does this person, how does this person always take the lower value coin?

How come they always seem to take the less valuable of the coin? You can offer this person any two coins and they'll always take the less valuable one.

Is it the way that it's presented to him? Like the person who's giving it to him? Like you can tell that they want to hold on to the more valuable coin?

No. Everyone genuinely I think is offering an even trade. Like they could take either coin.

And it's not like weight or scratchiness or anything like that.

It's not weight, thickness, diameter, color, luster, or even age.

And it has nothing to do with like the metal it's made out of?

It does not have to do with the metal that it's made out of, correct. You guys are asking all the right questions and you're really going to get us there.

So let's see, what else could be going on here? Can we get a hint?

Um, boy oh boy, let me see.

Does it have something to do with the actual coins or does it have something to do with like the idiot's reasoning? It has everything to do with the reasoning. Okay, so what do idiots like? Idiots like dog's name spaghetti, girlfriend's name mariah, warfare. Dostoevsky, what is going on?

It's his reasoning, but it has nothing to do with how it's presented.

It doesn't have to do with anything that, yeah, that's how it's presented. So let me read this part again. It's in the village of Witchurch. It's home to a particularly celebrated idiot. He's well known throughout the region for always having the wrong idea about money. Whenever he was offered his choice of two coins, he would inevitably take the lowest value one and then cavort off, utterly delighted with his erroneous choice.

He's not like an animal. He's a man.

He's a man. If there's nothing about the physical factors of the coin, I don't understand how he could tell. I don't know. This has stumped me. This is how they sound, how they... Call me a cut down tree because I am cut down.

I'm a stylistix.

I'll give you a hint. Put yourself in this idiot's shoes. What, the shoes are painful too hot? Are the shoes too hot? I only microwaved them for 10 seconds. Hot shoes, hot shoes. The box says 10 seconds.

You know when you sit in a spot on a couch where someone was just sitting and it's warmer? Same with shoes.

That's why they call them case wisps because you have to melt them in the microwave for 10 seconds before you weigh them.

Too hot. So we put ourselves in this idiot's shoes. What do we do now?

Someone comes up and they offer you the choice of two coins. Okay, now what? Now what, fucker? I can give you the answer if you really want it, if you think you guys deserve it.

Yeah, this is a great riddle because I'm a little bit lost.

So it's a little bit of a tricky language because it's called idiot and they referred him as an idiot and a fool multiple times on the riddle. But the quote unquote idiot knew perfectly well that as soon as he took the more valuable coin, people would lose interest and stop giving him money. But until then, people would just keep giving him money. So this guy actually knew the value of the coins. He would always take the lowest value one so that people would be more encouraged to be like, try this stupid guy out. Hmm.

Oh, he was a genius.

Secret genius. I guess secret genius. We couldn't get it because we're not secret geniuses ourselves. We're very, very openly public idiots.

Let me just say something. If you dedicate 90 days to being the town celebrity and you make $1.13 over 90 days while pouring all your time and energy into that, you're not a fucking genius.

This is medieval times.

With inflation, $1.13, this guy would be Jeff Babesos today. Let me ask you this, guys. I want to see a scene. Adal, we are all going to be three friends hanging out, and we're going to be talking about ordering a pizza. But you keep being in favor of ordering the shittiest pizza possible. Cool? Great.

What are you guys thinking, like pepperoni?

Cottage cheese.

Sorry, did you sneeze? What just happened?

Cottage cheese on the pizza. Oh, Jeff, we're having pizza. Yeah. Here's what you do. Tell them we want the thickest crust possible. We want a base, no marinara sauce. We want a base of cottage cheese and then we want nutmeg on top.

Wait, I'm sorry. The base is not, it's not even a sauce. The cottage cheese is not even a cheese.

No marinara, no alfredo. We want cottage cheese and then nutmeg on top.

Jeff, I know we're all working late tonight and this is just the Domino's app. So it's, I don't know that, unless you had a different pizza place in mind that kind of does more specialty stuff or.

What's your second choice of pizza, Jeff?

Yeah, let's go with something that maybe everyone can enjoy. A neutral, like a default second choice. Sausage and mushrooms, I would do. Melted popsicle.

Did you sneeze again? Say what? Melted Popsicle. Now I gotta know, is that the base, the sauce, the cheese or the topping?

Tell me it's not the crust. You have them not make anything out of dough, you have them melt a Popsicle, put that into a pizza pan, melt a Popsicle, pour it into a pan, refreeze it, top that with cilantro, put it in the oven and then ship it over to us.

Okay, again, ship it over to us.

Is this like an international... Jeff, again, we're using the Domino's app.

So it's melted juice with cilantro in it.

Yeah, I'm sorry. Maybe I'm an idiot, but I don't understand the problem.

All right, Jeff, third choice. Third choice.

Yeah, maybe something, Jeff, those are great. Those are great, maybe like solo pizza ideas for just you or when you're with your family. But let's try to think of something that everybody maybe could have like a couple slices of that we would all maybe enjoy eating.

Oh, a couple slices. Oh, okay. Craft cheese, craft singles.

Okay, sort of.

So cheese, that's good.

That's the cheese, right?

We love the idea. So why don't we just do a cheese? Jeff, would you eat just a cheese pizza? I would eat just cheese.

Okay. Okay.

So you want us to just order cheese from Domino's?

Yeah.

Well, maybe they can put it in a little cup for you.

Okay, okay, I think I have it. I can't, I can't, I guarantee you don't. Tell them, tell them. Admittedly, I feel like a fool, but because of, you know, I have to admit for this one, we would have to call them and not use the app. We would have to call them. So we start with Gingerbread. Does that make sense? Okay. Yeah, we're with you so far. Okay. Then we do Marzipan, fondant, Skittles.

You say fondant, like fondant?

Fondant. Skittles. Okay. We do some rosemary. Some sage. Okay. We top that with the CD. Okay. And then we put pants on it. What CD? We put pants on it. Sure.

What CD?

Diamonds on the soles on my shoe. Graceland.

Don't even have a Paul Simon album.

Yeah, Paul Simon album. Put pants on it. Gotcha. Belts on the pants. Roll up the cuffs on the pants. Stuff those with eggplant. Put little shoes on them. Hot shoes, cold shoes. Warm, warmed, warmed. Put those pants on a scarecrow and have it walk over.

Yeah, OK. You know what? Actually, Paul Simon sounds really good right now.

Why don't we skip dinner tonight? Let's just go back to doing our lung cancer research.

Oh my god. Oh no, it's so dark.

I like that we're working late and the thing we're working late on is lung cancer.

Well we care Adal.

I had a rough night. I pulled an all-nighter trying to solve cancer.

Yeah, but if you could have done it in one night, you'd be singing a different tune. This one is, this one, the title of this riddle is called Riddle Me Re. Riddle Me Re. Riddle Me Re. Ever speaking, still awake. Please most when most I speak. The delight of old and young. Though I speak without a tongue. Not but one thing can confound me, many voices joining round me. Then I fret and rave and gabble, like the laborers of Babel. I can bleat or I can sing, like the warblers of the spring. Let the lovesick bard complain, and I mourn the cruel pain. Let the happy swain rejoice, and I join my helping voice. Though a lady I am stout, drums and trumpets bring me out. Then I clash and roar and rattle, join in all the din of battle, much I dread the courtier's fate when his merits out of date. For I hate a silent breath, and a whisper is my death.

Huh, a lot to unpack here. Ringo Starr. I want to suck your drums and trumpets.

Mandolin. Organ, piano, guitar.

It is not an instrument, but that's a great guess. Echo wind. You got an egg.

Is it echo? You did the trifecta of echo, wind, and egg, and it was one of them? Oh, guys, that's a new t-shirt. I never say that's a new t-shirt, but echo, wind, and egg.

Echo, wind, and egg. If we ever start an earth, wind, and fire cover band, it has to be called echo, wind, and egg. Which we should.

I love that wind is still in there.

I feel like we should start it this September.

We should have Demi back on the guest on the episode. The great thing about this was I read this whole riddle earlier today. I read that the answer was echo. I was like, it doesn't even matter what the riddle is. They're going to get it. They'll guess echo eventually. And it was the second thing out of your fucking mouth.

That's our dirty secret is anytime you don't know the answer to a riddle, if you guess echo, wind, or egg, 50% of the time, you write 100% of the time.

Okay, and while we're telling dirty secrets, Erin, do you have any dirty filthy secrets that you would like to plug perhaps?

I heard that Adal had a toe surgery and that JPC didn't graduate peanut butter college.

We're gonna cut all this out of you.

Follow me, Erin Keif 10 on Instagram. I have some projects coming out soon that I'm excited about. So check me out there and our Erin Keif 2 on Twitter, whatever you want to do. Adal?

I would like to promote a podcast I was on called All's Fair in Lava and Floor. It is a podcast that reviews the hit show, The Floor is Lava, with a couple of friends of mine. So please check that out. All's Fair in Lava and Floor. That's a new show, right? No, it's from 2010. The show came out, I think, last month, maybe? And then I think the podcast is... I think it was on episode two, so the podcast is very recent as well.

So this is, you can always follow me over on Twitch, twitch.tv slash sharkbarkman. I play video games over there. I stream, I've been streaming other things too. I've been streaming board games and stuff there too, but follow me over on Twitch. Even if you don't use Twitch, give me a follow. I also have this from my 24 hour charity stream that I did like a couple months ago. A person bought some plugs and I finally nailed down their plugs. So, follow a girl named Truck on Twitch. Follow Speed underscore Dad on Twitch. Follow TessicaKirkArt on Instagram. Hit up at Raffasaur, anywhere you need to talk to someone. Listen to Neo Scum. Listen to the campaign podcast. And donate to your local Black Lives Matter fund. Did you say speed dad?

Is that a dad who can't be under the age of 55? Yeah. It's a dad who can't drive under 55.

That's funny. I like that. My brain's moving slow. But I like that.

And that concludes my plugs. Erin, I can't believe when you and Adal were talking about this earlier in the episode, I completely fucking spaced on it. I am loving this reality TV show. It's from 2002. So what they do is it's this whole, I guess, these nine friends that have to live together in one solar system. But get this, there's one of these dickheads that cannot get along with everyone else. Earth? Would you take a guess? No.

It's got to be Earth.

Bye forever.

How did some of the episodes still get surprised?