Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast. Oh Adal are you are you doing this episode?

Mm-hmm.

Good luck.

What? What? What do you know that I don't know? Knock, knock, knock. Who's there? Hey folks, do you have a moment to talk about Rudy's and Puzzies?

Hey folks, do you have a moment to talk about Rudy's and Puzzies too?

What? What's going on? Sorry, I'm trying to sell something.

Who's there?

Who's there? My name is Charles, and I'm with the local chapter of Riddies and Puzzies. My name is Charles, and I'm with the local chapter of Riddies and Puzzies. Who? I'm so sorry, when they trained me, there's nothing in the book about this. Can I come in?

Okay, let's try this. Knock, knock.

But you're in the house. Okay, well you go in the house and then you just shut the door. Alright. Do you want me to lock it? There's no lock.

But you should like pretend to toggle the door shut.

We just make the sound. Make the sound?

Shouldn't? Not my tempo. Make the sound. I drew a sword. Sorry, let me put that away. Okay, and... Sorry, now I stepped on a walnut. Let me... One more time? Lock.

Knock, knock.

Sorry, Terry O'Quinn is in here. Lock.

John Lost. Ready? Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Um, do you have a moment to talk about Riddies and Puzzies?

That's, that's my line.

Erin, do you want to go at dinner?

Yeah, I would love to. Don't leave me in here.

There's kids in here. There's kids in here. Good thing that house is haunted. Yeah, ghost kids. That house is haunted as F. You're haunted, Adal Rifai.

And I'm Erin Keif. And J.P.C. And this is your local chapter of Riddies and Puzzies, the podcast Hey Riddle Riddle. If you're new to the podcast, what we do is we are three hosts who do improv and we try and solve riddles and puzzles and along the way we call for improvised scenes. Does that sound fun?

Should we start saying that we are- Wow, that was a real description.

Former Chicago improvisers? Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Current Chicago former improvisers. We are three currently Chicago former improvisers.

We are four men improvisers.

We are three men and a little baby. I'm actually so glad that what this podcast is about came up because this weekend Sean and I socially distanced talked to his uncle and he asked me what my podcast was about and I went It's about Riddles and then Sean cried laughing and then had to take over and I decided that hell is someone trying to describe what this podcast is. For someone who doesn't listen to podcasts.

For the last five years anytime I get an Uber or I sit next to someone on an airplane or whatever that might be and someone's like what do you do I'll just make something up or I'll just say like I do I'm a creative writer or something just because I found that anytime I say I'm a podcaster People are like, oh, okay. Well, I guess tell me your podcast. Like it's a fucking chore. And then I'm like, uh, it's hello from the magic tavern. And they're like, that sounds fun. What's the premise? And I say it and their eyes glaze over or Hey Riddle Riddle. And they're just like, okay.

What's another what's another profession that people would be embarrassed to be successful in?

Like murder.

Chef at Chuck E. Cheese. Well I mean like I'm trying to think of like What it would take to be truly successful, like if you're the head chef at Chuck E. Cheese, I don't know what head chef means. At a Chuck E. Cheese, of course they don't have... What job fires clowns? We'll do riddles in a minute. We do like 10 minutes of bullshit first.

I guess a circus arsonist?

It's wild to me that I said job and you guys listed seven things that no one would pay money for.

That one car at the circus exploded. I guess we have to go talk to 38 different wives.

That's so dark! I'm just trying to be like... Also, how dare you assume? Well, I guess some of the clowns... Actually, you know what? That's on me because some of the clowns could be women and they have wives.

You know, the clown was a woman. I will say, I'm just speaking from... Yay! Hong Kong, Hong Kong, Hong Kong, the clown was a woman. They left behind a wife. I'm just speaking purely from experience.

Hold on! When something that funny happens, we all have to sit for 40 minutes and pray about it.

Someone described the podcast, they tweeted on us, that the podcast is GPC and Adal are going as fast as possible and Erin saying, hold on, stop, shut everything down. Something just happened that we all have to acknowledge.

Which I don't understand because if you want to laugh at something, you laugh at something. But to stop and say, we all have to laugh at this.

Seems like homework. I'm bossy.

I write a poem about it in my head that I can reference later, and that's how I collect memories.

I also love a compliment that caused me slower than the two of you. Sort of love that. Adal, what were you saying?

Oh, I was gonna say I'm just going purely from my childhood experience, which is I have never in my life seen a female clown. Or I guess a non-male clown.

Oh, a lady clown. I've seen some lady clowns.

Are they called clowns?

No, they just make me a little less sad for some reason.

Are they called clades?

You saw a clown like IRL. I don't know that I've ever seen like an actual clown.

Every time I record this podcast over again, I'm looking at two fucking clowns right now.

Yeah, well, that's pretty good. I walked right into a pretty good bird.

Speaking of clowns, in the last week, Gemma and I have had a bit of a fight. Just because I was loopy and being dumb, I started calling Brisket Bongo, which sounds like a clown name. So I'd just be like, Bongo, hear Bongo, or I'd be like, Papa loves Bongo, and like dance with him.

Well that's just fun.

And I was like, what are you doing? You can't just change his name a year into us owning him. I was like, I don't know, I think he's a bongo. And then I started yelling bongo at him and he would look up at me and I'm like, see? He loves bongo.

I think that you can call your animal whatever you feel in that moment.

Thank you.

And if they're confused, they're confused.

So let's go around and let's say our clown names. My clown name would be bongo.

My clown name would be JPC.

I was going to say also, I'd still be JPC, but it would stand for Just Performance Clown.

Juicy Pants Clown. Didn't we have a Clang the Clown? That was on the Kid Friendly episode. The Kid Friendly episode, that's right.

Cause Clang the Clown was like a murderer or something. Something to say about that.

Kid Friendly episode. I came in with that idea into Adal and JPC. I was like, and the joke is not even that we get close to the line. And these two dum-dums, like the veins in their heads were popping out the entire time.

Clang the clown is not on me. That was all Adal.

I'm just saying, I'm Casey and I have to go back through. And I had to be like, uh, yeah, this is, we had to be like, we had to cut so much stuff out of that episode because we can't help but be disgusting.

If I can defend myself for just a second, playing the clown famously only kills people over 25. That's still people's parents, Adal. He's kid tested, mother approved. Meaning he'll fuck your mom. Clang the clown. You silly goose. Clang the clown. Clang the clown. You incorrigible scamp. Get out of here. I also, all this week around the house, just because we watched Hamilton recently, anytime there's something where it's like, it's your turn to do the dishes, or can you take the trash out? So the gentleman will be like, it's your turn to do the dishes. And in my best Lin-Manuel Miranda overacting voice, I'll go,

I know, I know, I know, I know. And that's fun, and you can have that at home. Listeners, that's yours now.

I know, I know, I know, I know. A Hamilton thing that I do with my pet is every time any one of us gets up to go to the kitchen, Spaghetti thinks that we are going to the back door to let her outside. And so I like to turn to her and go, I'm not here for you.

And then she started singing Eliza's part. I saw your lovely girlfriend yesterday, JPC.

Oh, she did tell me to mention this. So I guess I have to mention right up top, Erin, what happened between you and Mariah and this week's D&D game.

Well, I'm not saying that we fell in love, but I'm also, I am saying that we held hands for a while and she kissed my hand at one point.

Wow. That's what she said as well. She also said that in the D&D game, Sean's character decided that he was in love with your character. And you kept doing mean things to him?

We were just sort of working things out over the D&D. We were in completely two different rooms and he was, he's like, I was a bad guy. Yeah, you were supposed to be the antagonist. I was a villain wizard called Moon LaGuardia and my middle name was Midway.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Everyone stop. We have to, we have to appreciate this.

Well that name is thanks to me talking to Ray Glass about funny wizard names. So please give Ray Glass all the credit for that.

But uh... LaGuardia Liviosa.

But Sean is like this guy who can turn into a rat and he was technically on their side but met me and fell in love with me and started helping me and I didn't care at all. And he wanted to hold my hand but I held Mariah's hand instead.

We call that metagaming and in my games it's strongly frowned upon.

We actually played D&D to not have fun but we actually played D&D to have actual rules please. I'm in a game with GPC and I can confirm he does not allow for fun. He nips it in the bud.

Having fun with friends is not about fun.

Erin have you always been in this D&D game or did you join recently?

I'm never, I came, Paul, my friend Paul runs it and he invited me to do a like one time only guest role because I, I mean, I don't, I'm not a big D&D player, but Sean's in it, Mariah's in it, and a lot of my best friends are in it. So I showed up just once and it was really fun. And then Sean kissed me in the game and actually ran in and tried to kiss me and I thought a murderer was coming. I didn't register to me that was happening and I was like,

JPC, we'll send an email about it or something later, but Zach Reno reached out and wants to play some D&D, so I think he might be doing a guest spot in our game. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, please have him in. Oh, that's so cool.

Speaking of clowns, can you tell him that I remember him as the clown on Dorm Life and that I loved it and I wish I had mentioned it to him?

We must. He listens, so he'll hear it.

He liked a tweet of mine the other day, so he must listen. I want to maintain my friendship with him, so I won't mention that, Erin. Speaking of maintaining friendships, let's get into our episode.

So I thought to start us off with some... Oh wait, I have to cut you off because I have one more thing to say. I also meant to say that Mariah can hear me when we recorded this episode since we're all locked down together. And there was a review crew episode, joined the Patreon, that she heard me talking about a MooMoo, and so she did buy me a MooMoo. It's a little too heavy. It's not like perfect and airy and breezy, but it is very like nice and breezy. So I have been wearing the MooMoo around. We're actually trading on and off of it. She was playing D&D in the office and so she was on a Zoom call and I told her because it happened twice I was like my favorite thing about listening to you on like Zoom calls not work calls like that where you're having fun with your friends is you do what I like to call a Lucille Bluth which in Arrested Development when Lucille would be surprised by Jean Parmesan the private eye who was like the worst private eye ever she would go

Hi Jean!

And Mariah does like a, does like a, HAHA! When she's surprised by something in D&D and every time she did it I thought she, I thought like Jean Parmesan was in this office popping out of the wall.

He might be, I don't know. He was in our D&D game so that makes sense.

That makes sense. Maybe, or it could have been Larry Manchego.

Adal, are we really married to Riddles?

Like we're married to them? We're engaged, so we've made a promise. We can break it off. I've come around on loving Riddles. It's a fun podcast idea, and I want to be on it for another year. Erin, can you go another 95 episodes and then we'll talk about something else?

Yeah, and then just send me off to a canoe. With no paddle, just kick it off and I'll make my way.

I'd love to put you in a canoe and push it, push it off, and then fire like a flaming arrow and you're just like, what the fuck? I'm still alive. Please stop. What are you doing?

This isn't a Viking funeral. Adal, I will give you a thousand dollars if you could hit Erin's canoe with a flaming arrow first try. I'll give you one thousand dollars.

What if he does though then? I have to pay him!

We have to open a bar called the Flaming Arrow. Alright so for the warm ups I thought to do something, this is a fun warm up segment that I'm going to call, what am I going to call this? I'm going to call this Slogans Run, or I could also call it Slogan Fizz.

Slogans Run sounds like a roller coaster.

Oh good. We'll stick with Slogans Run. So what it is is I'm going to say a few slogans from the last 100 years or so. And you have to tell me what the product is that the slogan is for. If this is a slogan from 1931, I'm fucked. I have no context for what a slogan was. So we know Just Do It, of course, is the slogan for Nike. Yep. And I love it.

I burned all of my Nikes when Colin Kaepernick started kneeling.

I hated how peaceful and respectful that was.

I'm loving it, of course, is a slogan for McDonald's. Yep, no, Erin got it, premarital sex. The next time you have premarital sex, when you climax you have to say ba da ba ba ba.

You know what's so funny about that is the idea of premarital sex having like a PR team.

How can we? You have to say ba da ba ba ba.

I came and you. This is alienating to all of our married listeners who will most likely never have premarital sex ever again.

At GPC, I told you, I don't believe in alienating listeners. Now, you can believe in whatever you want, Mark office or whatever guy. Mark office. Mark office. But I don't believe in alienating our listeners. I think alienating listeners exists. No, I don't think that's true. There might be like bacteria in our listeners somewhere. I've seen the tapes. Okay, so here we go. The King of Beers. Budweiser. Budweiser? That is Budweiser. Okay.

Oh yeah.

How about, I'd walk a mile for a camel.

The pretenders?

It's for camel cigarettes. When you care enough to send the very best.

That is Omar.

I legit did not know that. I was going to say Western Eugene.

Omar Card's jingle is just a scary orphan going, Omar Card.

It sounded like Plomp's theme.

I do want to see a scene. JPC you're an ad exec and you're trying to... It's the 11th hour and you have a jingle or slogan due tomorrow for some company. You have zero creativity. So what you've done is you've hired Erin who is a poor little orphan. You've given her some hot soup in exchange for her talents and you're pressing her to come up with your thing.

Thank you for the soup sir.

Please have as much as you want. We have pretty much every flavor of Progresso. We have their light collection. We have their chowders. And I just want you to get into a Progresso mood and a Progresso mindset.

Thank you. Did you know that I didn't have a British accent until my parents died? I'm from Oklahoma.

Okay, I don't even know any... Personal details. The personal details stuff is not too interesting. That's soup. It's hot soup. It's good soup. And what does the soup make you think of? Because we need something that pops for the soup. I'll riff on it.

I'll riff on it. Good.

You don't riff.

Yeah. This soup feels good like a parent's hug. This... Okay, okay.

You're shaking your head. I'll pause you. I'll pause you because that's great. That sounds more like something like from the musical Annie or something. Okay. Okay.

Okay.

Maybe just take a stab at something not orphan related. Maybe just like the emotional, what the soup makes you think of emotionally.

The soup makes me feel warm like when I had a house. No, you're shaking your head again.

No, yeah, I don't think that's the direction that we definitely don't want to go in that direction. We don't want to make people feel sad. We want to make them feel like full of soup.

Dan, so come on in here. I saw your pitch. I saw the new ad that you came up with, which is, progressive soup. Soup's so good, you won't miss your parents.

Yeah, uh-huh. So I thought about how a better slogan would be like just like mom used to make and then I thought about how my mom has passed on and then I got really sad and then I wanted to make everyone else sad because the soup makes you happy. Soup makes you happy is a better one.

Can I resubmit or can I... Is it my turn to sing the jingle?

Oh, who's this?

Are you familiar with the movie Big Daddy and the plot to send a movie? Of course. Big Daddy of course starring that kid from Riverdale at a much tinier version. I think it was kind of starring Jon Stewart. It was really his little breakout. Same. How about A Diamond is Forever?

Baseball.

You're right. It's for James Bond. A diamond is forever. Do you remember these commercials where it'd be like, it's for De Beers. Yeah. It was like two shadows and it'd be like, dun dun dun, dun dun dun.

And it was a diamond is forever.

De Beers. I always thought it'd be funny to see two shadow figures and they're both doing the Wakanda like gesture with their hands and it says Wakandas are forever.

I was just saying today, just today I was saying I've never been in Tiffany's and I don't think I'll ever go in one again. Or ever. I mean, not again.

Erin, the next time we're in New York, we're going to have lunch at Tiffany's. Just like the song.

But I said, what about breakfast at Tiffany's?

No, no.

Lunch. Okay, fine.

Let's do a few more of these. How about we try harder? UPS. This is of course the slogan for JPC on this podcast. Does that slogan?

We try harder. Are you missing the word sorry?

Sorry, we try harder. What do we think this is for?

Board trucks.

Close. This is for Avis Rental. How about the slogan Think Small?

Marital sex.

JPC's brain?

Wow. He didn't even realize he was roasting himself. Fuck! Um, JPC do you know it?

What is it? Think Small? Mm-hmm. What would be good small? Airplane peanuts. Airplane peanuts. Think Small. I don't know this one.

Think Small.

Oh, season four of Smallville. Exactly. This is the tagline for that Matt Damon movie. Think Small is the tagline for Volkswagen.

Oh, that'd be tense.

Mm-hmm.

Don't think about that emissions fuel fiasco that we had where we were just lying to people about how green our cars are.

How about the Uncola? What?

Pepsi.

Pepsi. The Uncola. You think Pepsi's an Uncola?

Okay fine, Sprite.

Closer.

Okay fine, Crush.

No, further away. So when I said, when you said Sprite and I said very close, you think, there you go. Remember the commercials that were seven up yours? Make seven up yours. Make seven up yours. With Orlando Jones, I believe was in those commercials. So an uncola is also an uncle who is drinking a pina colada. How about impossible? If you like making love at midnight and ruining weddings. Gary, go to bed. How about impossible is nothing. Uh, impossible meat.

Um, sports.

Is that beyond beef's slogan? I would love that. Erin, you're on the right path with sports. Is it the Philadelphia Eagles? Impossible is nothing.

Adidas.

It is. Whoa. Holy shit. Where'd you pull that out of?

My ass?

Is that currently Adidas or is that something they've used in the past? I have no idea. I don't think I know any other shoe brand except for Nike.

I mean, Nike had just do it and I don't think that Adidas ever captured me with anything as popular or as well known as that. Adidas.

I don't think. Come on, just one pair.

I like Adidas. I have a lot of Adidas shoes. For whatever reason, I guess my feet are a little wider and Nike shoes have always felt very constricting. And the Adidas shoes that I have have not.

And you said your feet are wide. Weren't you in a sketch group called the widest kids you know?

Is that fun? And scene. If I was in a sketch show called The Whitest Kids, people would see my skinny ass and be like, is this a joke? And I'd be like, don't worry about it guys. Please don't make fun. Just let me go.

Again, I'm older than you guys, but there was a time where everyone I knew was obsessed with Fila. Do you ever own any Fila brand stuff? Fila. F-I-L-A? No. No. I don't think so. I think it was around the time it was around the time Grant Hill was drafted into the NBA by the Pistons and he signed with because up until then everybody was either Adidas or Nike and he was like I'm going with Fela and he was like the number one pick so I think Fela had like its moment in the Sun. Hey Riddle.

I think you had a mouse in your shoe. Honestly I was like I'll never fucking own another pair of these shoes. They say like that people make these snap decisions about how brand loyal they are and truly I bought one pair of and they were probably just like I shouldn't have bought that type of shoe but or I didn't treat them correctly but I'll never buy another pair of Puma's because of how squeaky those shoes were.

I hate to ask this but did you forget to oil your shoes?

No, no, I'm not gonna fall for this again. The Tin Man gets like that oiled up. You're supposed to do that to your shoes every day.

You know the Tin Man War, what are we talking about? Pumas.

I fell for this once. Adal sold me these beautiful new clothes and you said these are new clothes, they're the height of fashion, everyone will love them. I said I can't see them and he said that is the point.

And then you were naked all over town.

Those air walks my man.

I don't know if you know this but all four characters in Wizard of Oz represent different shoe brands.

What? What are they?

All four characters in Wizard of Oz?

All the four main ones.

Okay, gotcha. I gotta see a scene. I gotta see a scene. Erin, you are Dorothy. At JPC, you are the Tin Man. Be whatever other character you want. And I might enter as well. And this is a new Wizard of Oz. No, this is the old Wizard of Oz, but these are the deleted scenes where they were having to push super hard for different brands in order to fund the movie.

Oh Toto, maybe I shouldn't have stolen these Louboutin heels from that woman who had her out of her house following her.

Oh Toto, what are we gonna do?

Did someone say house? Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.

Oh State Farm representative, we're gonna be okay Toto.

Hold the line. Love it, this isn't always on time.

A State Farm representative, I came to this awful place that's so, so colorful. How do I get home?

Well, I guess first what I have to ask is, is it in you? Gatorade.

Yes, of course. I drank Gatorade, and that's keeping my electrolytes up as I go through Oz.

Oh, good. Also, everybody loves a little bumpy. Co-cane.

Yeah, actually that's too dark for me to talk about cocaine so that you keep doing that. I'm not going to have Judy Garland talk about cocaine because people kept drugging her and it was horrible. She lived a horrible early existence because studio executive kept drugging her. But what other things?

Oh, that's too dark for you?

I can't do anything right now.

If it's too dark for you, we'll leave the light on.

We love the meat. We love the meat. We love meat.

Toto?

Arby's.

I bless the rains. Down in Africa. Bark bark Pepsi. Let's do one more. How about the tagline or slogan, hello boys? Hello boys? Hello boys. That's a slogan for a product? That's a slogan for a product. I urge you two and I urge any listeners to listen to, just because I brought it up, listen to there's outtakes for when Michael Jordan did his first Gatorade campaign, where he has to say, Gatorade, is it in you? And he goes through like 50 different versions and he can't get it right. He can't keep the inflection right. He'll say like, Gatorade, is it in you? And they're like, great, Michael, just do it one more time. He goes, okay, Gatorade, is it? And you? And they're like, okay, just a little more natural.

Oh, no.

It's like me. It's amazing. It's on YouTube. Look that up. It'll make you laugh.

Hello, boys.

Is this Trojan condoms? Hello, boys. It was the tagline for Wonder Bra. I don't think that's the little thing.

Why? Ew. No. I don't wear bras for boys. I wear them for my back.

We're advertising for bras and who buys bras? Men for the mistresses. It's 1951 and I'm in charge forever. Stroke.

I'm pretty sure that Wonder bras are not like super sexy bras. I think they're like used for function. But I don't know. I don't know anything.

Function on your form. Okay, Adal, I've got one for you. What's this from? Hello, bread.

Okay, hello Bread. Mustard, Grey Fufan. That is for Wonder Bread. Ooh, I love Michael Chabon. Let's get one main riddle in here and then we'll take a break. So I'm going to read you a situation. I'm going to read you a situation and then you have to let me know what I want to know here. Makes sense? Good. I don't think so.

That can't possibly make sense.

Fucking Riddle works. Nina finishes getting dressed and enters a crowded room. Even though Nina is neither a government agent nor a criminal, every move is monitored by the roomful of people. Some are taking notes while others are photographing her. Nina doesn't smile and doesn't talk to a single person. She isn't frightened, but she knows she'll be in trouble if she doesn't leave the room within two minutes.

Where is Nina and what is her occupation? She's a professional wife.

I love people taking notes as some bride is walking down the aisle. Too tall, too tall. What's too tall for Jeffrey?

Yes. Not the right height difference between the two of them, yes.

He's a short, short man.

He can't marry a tall, tall woman like that. Don't want no short, short man. Erin, you got it exactly right. Nina is on the catwalk at a fashion show. She is a model. I thought this was a pretty good misdirection, but you got it immediately. Wait, what was the misdirection? Well, it's just that it's like a woman enters a crowded room. People are watching her every move. They're taking notes and taking photographs. She doesn't smile. She has to leave her room. It just sounds like it's something weird or suspicious or like ominous. Oh, okay.

I think they could have fucked with us if they said that it was a man and like done some like gender like reversal like you know male model Derek Zoolander.

Women's can be clowns and men's can be models.

Mm-hmm take that to the bank and then say I don't know why I brought this to you. We can't cash this.

I could be a model look

Erin, I want to see one more scene before we go to break.

Erin's collarbone just shot out of her mouth.

Ooh! Yikes! Call 911. Cuddies. I want to see one more scene before we go to break. Erin, you are going to be a model. JPC and I are going to be at the, what do you call that? Just the show, I guess? Fashion show? Fashion show. And Erin, you are modeling something that doesn't typically get modeled and you're going about it in a very interesting way. Oh, here we go. I think it's starting. Okay. Ooh, yeah.

This is supposed to be the hottest show of the season.

As you can see, I'm the first woman ever to model a live octopus. Ow. Oh. Wow. Oh.

Should someone tell her that's a blowfish?

Ow.

She keeps dropping it and stepping on it.

Why is it hot?

Should it be hot? Oh, you know what?

It looks like she has a cooked piece of fish with her as well. Why is she saying lights?

I mean, traditionally she shouldn't be talking much at all.

Here, come on.

She said pose, but all she did was paw at her phone and turn on FX's Billy Porter hit show pose.

The category is wearing fish.

Scene. Oh, the category is we're going to take a quick break. We'll be right back with more Riddies and Puzzles. Nope. Casey, cut that out. Keep it in. Casey, be like Dave Coulier, cut that out.

Hey guys.

Hey.

I learned something new at school today. Do you want to hear it?

Why are you in school? We had a busy day, but sure.

I'm bored and I went back to elementary school. What?

Everyone's allowed to do a Billy Madison.

And I'm doing mine. And guess what? I learned two out of three guys will experience some form of male pattern baldness by the time they're 35. And the best way to prevent hair loss is to do something about it while you still have hair left. That's what I learned at school.

I'm going to call your elementary teachers. They should not be teaching that in school.

Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Hold on, Adal. This seems like some pretty good stuff. Do you have any more? I kind of want to hear more. What did the teacher say about two out of three guys and hair loss?

Oh, you more stuff? Well, guess what you used to have to do? This is about history. You used to have to go to the doctor's office for your hair loss prescription. Yeah, sure. But now, thanks to Keif's, oh, I didn't mention, the solution to the math problem is Keif's.

Don't tell me the end first. Keep going with the problem.

Erin, can I say I've experienced hair loss and I went to the doctor and they told me to kiss a horse and that would get better? That's gotta be false. That can't be true.

Well, you're from a different time. You're from the 1800s, so I don't know what to tell you.

Used to be everyone wore hats.

You can visit a doctor online and get hair loss medication delivered right to your home. They make it easy to deliver your medication every three months. That's every three months. That's like four times a year. So you can say goodbye to pharmacy checkout lines and awkward doctor's visits.

I have the worst doctor's visits. My handshake is all over the place. I'm in the mouth. I'm on the foot. It's just, it's terrible for me.

Well, Erin, I want to find out why Keif's has more five-star reviews than any of its competitors and nearly 100,000 men trust Keif's for their hair loss prevention medication. Keif's treatment starts at just $10 a month. Is that right? Plus a limited time you can get your first month for free?

Yeah, you can get your first month for free, isn't that insane?

It is insane, and it can take four to six months or more to see results, so it's important to act fast, because the sooner that I start using Keips, the more hair I'll save. Is that correct, Erin?

Yes, and that's what I learned in school. Oh, wait, but they gave me this. It's a sheet of paper that has an offer on it.

Now this is what we're paying for.

Erin, have you learned to read in elementary school yet?

Not yet, so you read it.

Okay it says if you're ready to take action and prevent hair loss go to keeps.com slash riddle to receive your first month of treatment for free. That's K-E-E-P-S dot com slash riddle.

Keeps dot com slash riddle.

It says host must spell out website keeps.com at least once. Did I do that? And we did, and we did. Okay, good. I don't know why I read this whole thing, but Erin, that sounds like a great deal and you're going back to school tomorrow. Your dad and I are so proud of you, Erin.

Thank you. Why are you talking to my dad, Adal?

Stop texting my dad. Okay, yeah, that's fair. I'm sorry. Keeps.com slash Riddle.

Today's the 70th birthday and that's true. Keeps.com slash Riddle.

I'm stressed.

I have some anxiety and my chronic pain is back. Hey stressed, I'm Adal and this is Erin. That's not funny for someone who's stressed.

That's not a funny joke. That's not a funny joke.

I wish. If I was just auditioning to be in the school play then I wouldn't be as stressed and anxious as I am because if it was the school play I'd be a freakin' shoo-in with my acting skills.

Okay, well JPC what I want you to do is I want you to take the phrase calm down buddy, but I want you to switch the B and the D. So instead of calm down buddy, it's calm buddy down, which stands for CBD. Which is what you're trying to do. Huh? You're trying to calm a buddy down. Yeah, you're that buddy and trying to calm you down. So what I'm trying to say is if you just check out feels, the premium CBD delivered directly to your doorstep, that would relieve all your anxiety and stress.

Okay, but I can't learn about a new thing. So unless there is a free CBD hotline to help guide me through the discovery process, I'm probably not interested.

Wait, say that again? That's crazy, cause there is one!

Ooooh!

Feels offers a free CBD hotline to help guide you through the discovery process. So if you have questions, they have answers.

And it delivers directly to your door. Every month, you'll save money on every order and you can pause or cancel at any time. It works naturally to help you feel better. Stressed, there's no high, there's no hangover, there's no addiction. It's all natural baby.

I have feels by my bed, and if I'm feeling a little anxious before bed, I'll put a little drop under my tongue. It's so cute, the little drop under my tongue. And then that does the trick, and it helps me relax.

Alright, Erin, Adal, I gotta join the feels community. Can you tell me something about membership? By the way, I'm pinching pennies, so if you don't have a deal for me, I'm gonna tell you to H-E double hockey sticks. And you can go with two.

Oh Adal, I hope we have a deal.

Yes, you can become a member today by going to Feels.com slash Riddle and you'll get 50% off your first order with free shipping. So stop pinching those pitties. Let those pitties go. That's Feels E-A-L-S dot com slash Riddle. You become a member today and get 50% off automatically your first order with free shipping.

50% off is cuckoo bananas.

That's half. Yeah, yes, it's half. It's feels.com slash riddle. And yeah, I have trouble going to bed. I put a few drops of this puppy in my mouth and I'm off to snooze.

You should know it's not a puppy. It's CBD.

Warning CBD is not a puppy.

Feels.com slash riddle.

Do you feels? Oh, come on Springfield. Do you feels? Aaaaand...papow! We are back! Let's get into some more riddies and buzzies. Here we go. Susie is driving outside in an open space. Her speed is over 100 miles per hour. There are people standing all around her remarking on her fast driving. She isn't concerned that she will hit anyone and no one is concerned about being run over. Although some are standing within a few feet of her. Where is Susie and why aren't people worried about being hit?

She's on the Autobahn, my man. Susie is German and she'd drive fast under Autobahn. Autobahn.

Race car?

That's what I said. Erin, what's that?

I know, race car.

You just spouting off palindromes?

Yeah.

Go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog.

I would like to see a scene. Adal, you are a race car driver and you're in the middle of a race. JPC, you're the head of his pit crew and while his car is getting changed over, you really want to just have a conversation with Adal and you're not really reading the room that he's trying to finish the race.

Gotcha. You're doing so fast. I'm going so fucking fast. Oh yeah.

So the guys are fixing everything up. It'll be about 40 seconds, 41 seconds, waiting a little faster. How is your day? Do you need anything in the car? No, no, no. I got snacks. I got drinks. Oh, sorry. What kind of snacks? Do you have a puppet shell?

I just have Pringles. Okay, but I got a lot of different flavors. No, that's fine. I gotta go. I gotta go. Do you need a pee bag? What's that? Do you need a pee bag? I don't want drugs. No, no, no, no. Do you need a... Is that like a dime bag? No, if you have to pee in the car, do you need a pee bag?

Because I have bags. I can give you a pee bag. No, I don't need a pee bag. Racers just either hold it or piss their pants.

Oh! Jeremy's learning something new today. Hold it or piss her pants off. Okay, Jeremy, can you take off the jack? I gotta go. Can I be honest? TBH. I could not hold it that long.

I got a tiny little bladder. You're not supposed to say, can I be honest? TBH. That's redundancy. TBH? I gotta go. I did not know that.

I gotta go. Okay, you have to go. Hold on. All right, TNT character's welcome. I gotta go. We do not have the wheels. Guys, you better go on backwards.

We're trying the best we can.

Come on guys, faster. I'm so sorry about this. I'm so sorry about this. Let's go, let's go. I'm losing. What color would you say your eyebrows are? Because I get that your hair is auburn. What color are your eyebrows? What color would you say that is? Dark brown?

Why don't we say? No, no.

Let's say it on three. I'll say what I guess you say when you guess. One, two, three. Dark brown. Whoa! Are we vibing?

No, I said it a little easy.

And we have a winner!

Oh, fuck. Oh, Puddle. Germany won?

Germany won! Yay! Jeremy Germany!

Jeremy Germany. He is fast.

Congratulations, Jeremy Germany.

Rusty Wallace loses again to Germany. Rusty, what are we doing for dinner? Chili's or... We're not going to dinner. We're not?

I'm saying. Are we vibing? I loved that scene so much. JBC, you really had the energy of like a party host when you show up and they're already like a little bit buzzed. They're like, I've got snacks, I got drinks, you got Pringles.

I got snacks, I got drinks, are we vibing?

Erin just told me I said drunk at work and I was like compliment city. So where is Susie and why aren't people worried about being hit while she's driving? Again Susie is driving outside. Out in the open her speed is over 100 miles per hour. People are remarking on her fast driving but she isn't concerned she will hit anyone and nobody is concerned about being hit. It's not as Erin says it is. It is not a NASCAR event. It's not a NASCAR event. And again, some people are standing within a few feet of her. So, you know, could be even like three feet, four feet.

Roller coaster, go-karts, airplanes. Is Suzy at work?

Is she doing her job at this time or is this a leisure activity?

It could be someone's job, but I believe, most likely this is leisure or leisure. And she's in a car? She's driving.

She's driving? Is she a train conductor?

Are there people on the train with Susie? Erin got it. She is at a golf tournament. People aren't worried because Susie is hitting a golf ball, an action known as driving. When is we golfing? Women be golfing. I want to see a scene. Erin, you're about to tee off at the first ever Erin Keif Grand Prix Golf Tournament. I don't know what golf tournaments are called. And let's have JPC do it actually. Because I want Erin in the booth with me. So JPC you're about to hit a tee off at the first ever Erin Keif Classic. And Erin, you and I are in the announcer's booth.

Beautiful day here.

Beautiful day. We see some happy little clouds over here and a nice, comfy little tree that's just going to come out here in a few branches.

And he's teeing up. Oh, and it looks like he's about to sneeze.

Uh, three would. Give me one second.

Oh yeah? Okay. Well, he's looking up at the light to make sure the sneeze comes out. Oh, maybe not.

Oh. Maybe he doesn't. His catty tried to scare him.

Oh, he does have to sneeze again. Oh, maybe not.

And he's teeing up, meaning he's putting his shirt back on, and he's ready to go ahead and hit the wall.

Does he have to sneeze though? Because he keeps going and he's like... Looks like he keeps thinking he needs to, and then he doesn't.

I'm just gonna wait for it. I'm just gonna wait for the sneeze.

He's trying to get a sneeze out by going... And Erin, it seems like what's happening is I just noticed he's wearing an old-timey sleeping cap and the top of it keeps brushing up against his nose.

I see his caddy is getting out something to stick up his nose to aid with the sneeze.

Is that the Zicam? It's not? Okay.

Oh, it's not Zicam. He doesn't know what he's putting up his nose.

It's pretty impressive that he got a Cadillac on the greens today, but yes, that caddy is trying to help out wherever it can.

He's just putting a pine cone up his nose, and it seems to have... Oh, the whole crowd went AWW!

And of course it's... What can I do? What can I do? What can I do? Looks like he's trying to problem solve.

Alright, he'll figure it out. He's a pro.

It's not coming.

He's the best there is.

And of course by pro, he is a programmer by occupation.

Will he be able to pull this out at the last second? Let's see, last chance to sneeze and...

Is there a judge? Can I just forfeit? Can you call a judge? Can you call a judge over here so I can forfeit in person? Wait, look! Nothing.

Okay, and he's taking out his putter. This is a sad, sad day for golf. And for humanity in general. Oh, we got it! Oh, we got it! And the sneeze hit the ball! Oh, that looks like a 360 inch... That ball's going nowhere. He won. Let's see.

Erin, I love you. That was the biggest no I've ever seen.

I love you. I love it for a 360 inch drive. I love the incompetent man and I'm like, his putt went nowhere. And then just the positivity of, he won. You're great. Let's do another one. Please, sir, may I have another? Christina is inspecting a cargo ship. She notices several problematic holes in the vessel's hull.

Real quick, is a cargo ship just like a normal ship but with more pockets? Uh huh. Good stuff.

For your, like, cell phone and your keys and stuff.

Yeah. Bag of snacks. Yeah, Ariel Postel used to sell a ton of cargo ships, but now they're out of fashion. Christina is inspecting a cargo ship. She notices several problematic holes in the vessel's hull, but doesn't make note of them or tell anyone about it. Although other inspectors surround her, none of them speak during the entire process. Where is the ship located and why aren't the inspectors speaking to each other?

It's a relationship. And the inspectors are the people who are feeling self-conscious about their decision to enter the relationship.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Rather, keep your mouth shut and have people assume you're an idiot, then open your mouth and remove all doubt.

Doesn't make any sense why you would say that to me at this point.

Just some advice I've given you several times.

Sure. Sure. JPC's now crying.

Now. Any thoughts about this ship with holes in it? It's hard to say holes and then hull.

Oh yeah, because ships have a hole.

So she's inspecting a cargo ship. She notices several holes in the vessel. She doesn't make any note about them.

And nobody- They're for cannons. They're supposed to have holes.

Honestly, a great answer, but it is incorrect in this instance.

Okay, we'll change it.

These are holes that should be on a ship. Are they like, um, uh, like, what is it? Maybe is this like a steam ship that has like chimneys in it?

Okay, so you think Santa goes into steamships? If little boys and girls live on ships.

Okay, you two are two pirates, and it's Christmas Eve, and you two are sort of hoping that Santa makes an appearance that night.

Hey, Bobby Bonilla. Yeah. Hey, it's me, Doug Drabeck. Just a couple of pirates hanging out.

And Adal?

Yeah.

Thank you for that.

For all my MLB heads up.

Yar! I'm very much looking forward to this season. It's unseasonably warm in Pittsburgh, don't you think?

A little bit. Yeah, I did see that Andy Van Slyke had to go to the hospital because he passed out from sunstroke. Yar! No!

Wow, sunstroke, and it's December 24th.

Christmas Eve. Well, I know I've been a naughty little pirate this year. Well, you're the one that said it was unseasonably hot, so...

Yes, I know, unseasonably hot. Okay. Doesn't necessarily mean sunstroke, December 25th in Pittsburgh. Wait, wait, we're at an away game and this is Miami. How about that? Yeah, that works. Would that work?

Yeah, that works for me. Contextually? Hey, what's that, what's that noise?

Arr, Yarr, sorry about me, I had a breakfast burrito.

So... Yarr, what be that?

Is that... Hi Sees Santa? You know Hi Sees Santa, he has a team of 12 sharks that race him around the ocean to deliver, um, a shot of supplies. Yeah, and he can't, he can't breathe water.

No. I don't know about this. Is that what that is? I guess so. This is a thing?

Yeah. You've never heard of High Seas Santa?

You are. I'll give you whatever gift you want. Just save me. Ho ho ho.

Just about at High Seas Santa. And I also want to mention Bobby, not to be confused with High Sea Santa. Which is the Kool-Aid man, correct? Where are we?

It says HO HO!

HO YEAH!

Scene.

Now I want to say the Kool-Aid man with the Santa hat saying HO YEAH! HO YEAH!

We'll make that Christmas card and we'll sell it around here.

That has to exist. He just burst through your fireplace and ruined your wall. Oh yeah!

Kids start screaming. There's dust all over their real Christmas presents.

You hear like sleigh bells on the roof, and then you hear like something land, and then you hear something coming out of the chimney, and then you just hear breaking glass, just liquid spit all out of the chimney.

What do you leave out for Kool-Aid Santa?

Oh yeah!

Oh yeah! Entourage.

Oh, that's amazing. What is the Kool-Aid man's favorite TV show?

Oh, yeah!

The worst- Oh, yeah! Honestly, the worst intro in the history of TV.

There's never been a- There's so much TV in the history. Oh, yeah!

It's garbage. I love their like- It feels like there was like 30 seconds away from going live on HBO and they're like, fuck, we need an intro song. And someone's like, oh, yeah? Wait, slow that down.

I watched the Entourage movie in theaters. I was so excited. I went with a group of people.

Oh my god, that's amazing.

Were you in high school?

It was in Chicago. It was in, we went to the Webster when it came out, so I definitely remember it. Colin Dahlgren, or I think organized it. It was fun, it was an event. Colin Dahlgren, the bad guy from Rocky IV? Uh-huh.

I'm a huge Colin Dahlgren fan. Amazing artist, look him up.

Oh yeah, he's great. The bad guy in that movie is the, what's the kid from Sixth Sense?

Haley Joel Osment.

Yeah, but the wild part about Entourage as a show is that they'll have celebrities playing themselves on Entourage, and then they'll have other celebrities playing, like, characters on Entourage. So, like, Scott Khan, I think, is a bit player in Entourage at one point. He's got, like, an arc. And the whole time, like, I really want them to, like, reference Scott Khan the actor, to be like, Yeah, I was just at a party with Scott Kahn, but not the one who is the actor playing Scott Kahn. Well, they do that on like curb as well. I know. Any show where they bring in like real people and then also the actors, they need more meta jokes. I need those meta jokes.

If I ever have a TV show where that happens and people come in and like some people play themselves and some people play characters.

When you have a TV show.

When I have a TV show like that, I'm going to have you both in, but you're going to be playing each other.

And audience members will still not give a shit about us.

The thing about that is I watched Entourage, I watched all of Entourage, and there's like a Harvey Weinstein character on Entourage who's named something different. And when Harvey Weinstein was getting arrested, I was seeing his picture for the first time. I'd heard him, I'd never seen his picture, and I saw his picture Saw that it wasn't that guy who played the Harvey Weinstein character on Entourage and immediately got so embarrassed I was like, oh my god, I thought that that guy on Entourage was Harvey Weinstein.

That poor actor.

I know, I know, like to vaguely look like him is just such an awful thing.

There's a very funny running gag on the new season of Curb where women keep coming up to Jeff Garland and going pig and like throwing water in his face.

He's like, I'm not him.

Cuz he does look just like him. He kinda does, yeah. And that's a good meta joke. Sorry to circle back just a moment before we continue with this riddle. Do y'all remember around Christmas time, the Cocoa Pebbles commercials? No. To this day, I still wake up like once a week and in my head I just have running. Ho ho ho, I'm ha hungry. Do you remember that? It's like Barney dresses up like Santa to try and steal Fred's Cocoa Pebbles.

I have baby bottle pops, baby bottle pops, in a running loop of my head at any given moment.

My buddy, my buddy.

Remember the Coco Crispies was, my name is Coco and I swing from the trees because everybody wants my Coco Crispies. And Coco's the monkey.

Oh also, if you're from Massachusetts, you know that you have the Foxwoods casino theme stuck in your head at all times.

Can we hear a little snippet? Yeah, how does it go?

Take a chance, make it happen Pop the cork, fingers snapping Spin the wheel, round and round we go Life is good, life is sweet Grab yourself a front row seat And it keeps going a little bit, a little end Let's meet and have a ball Let's live, yeah, let's live For the wonder of it all Meet me at Foxwoods, Foxwoods It's a terrible place

That honestly sounds like the best Dean Martin song I've ever heard.

Someone's like nephew or cousin fucking made that song and they're just like, I don't know, 50 bucks. Boy oh boy, that's great. Okay, well finish this, finish this jingle for me. Five eight eight, two three hundred. Coca Cola. Erin got the melody right, but it's not for your butt.

It's for the TV show Empire. Yes, it's for the TV show Empire. So where do we think this ship is located and why aren't the inspectors or Christina speaking to each other?

I don't know.

If we forgot, there's holes in the boat. She notices the holes. She doesn't say anything. She doesn't make note of them.

They're supposed to be there.

They're supposed to be there. But why? The other inspectors don't seem to care that she's not making note of them or speaking up.

Is this a boat, a shipping container, that is shipping paperback copies of Lewis Sacker's holes?

I love that answer. I love that answer. Dig it up. Dig it.

Nope, they're shipping Lewis Sacker's wayside story. Oh, okay. Or Maniac McGee.

Dan Leona. I hate Maniac McGee. Come at me. I'll fight you. I'm a Maniac. It's one of my least favorite books.

Maniac McGee.

Hey, Maniac McGee, if you're out there, please do not come at me. I've heard about you and you are nutso.

And you will damage me. Wishbones in hell and I hate Maniac McGee. Do we want any hints? What do we want? Give me a hint.

I want the answer.

No, so these holes are supposed to be on this ship, right? Well, I wouldn't say they're supposed to be on the ship, but it's not surprised. Nobody's surprised that they're there at the moment. Currently. Are these removable holes? Hold on. Hold on. Dead stop. Dead stop. Erin, what'd you say?

Swiss cheese. Swiss cheese is on the boat.

Okay, explain yourself.

There's a lot of Swiss cheese on this boat.

And it's got holes in it, my man.

Are these removable holes?

Is this cargo? Is it to do with the cargo that's on the ship? Let's give some hints here. Yes. Christina enters the ship without using a ramp or opening any doors. Throughout the inspection, Christina's feet don't even touch the ground. Even though Christina finds rooms filled with water, she's not alarmed.

Oh, by inspector, is she a diver? Thanks for watching! Adal and Erin, I would like to see a scene. You are going to be playing two mer-people, and there's a ship wreck at the bottom of the sea. You're going to move into it, but you have no conception of human society or where this thing came from. You just think it's this thing that you're not going to live in.

Gladys. Gladys, come over here.

Swim over here. Is there any other way? I guess not.

Can I ask you, as a pregnant woman, aren't you sick of swimming?

As a pregnant woman?

Isn't that what they say?

Pregnant women.

Sick of swimming. Ready to run.

I don't need you to tell me how pregnant women feel. I'm a pregnant muh-woman and I'm thriving.

Oh, that's great.

Can I say something about this house that we just moved into?

Of course, Gladys.

Does it sort of feel like alien and scary and maybe a little bit cursed?

It is a little troubling. I've never seen this, um, these substances before. I think what we ended up calling metal. That's the word we gave it. Metal. I've never seen anything like it. It's like rock.

We should have guessed right.

It's like, well, we don't know. It's like rock, but it's shiny and stronger than rock.

Mmm, yeah. Mm-hmm. And look over here. What's this? Wait, is this a... It's a photo... Is it a photograph? What is this? What is this?

Whatchamacallit? What is this? Let's call it a thingamabob.

What's that word again?

We'll say it thingamabob.

Okay, this is a thingamabob. Is it a spoon?

There's 19 more of these photograph thingamabobs. That makes 20.

We just don't know what any of this is.

Hey, are you... Yes? Hey, real quick, are you... are you fucking that prince?

Ooh!

I just noticed a lot of times I wake up at like 4am and you're not in the seashell with me. And then I'll see on the beach there's tail marks that lead to the castle.

Are you implying that I like waddle my way up to the castle every evening to make love to a prince?

I mean, I guess that's what I'm asking.

You're implying that I make my way all the way up the beach. And have sex with the most handsome, well no. Prince Naveen sort of surpassed him later. Prince Eric for a while I'd say was the most handsome. There's a few people who of them are definitely hotter.

So you know his name. We cut to the mermaid and the prince. Thank you so much for waddling up here.

Oh, I'm exhausted. Oh god. Oh god, can I have some water?

Oh my god, thank you. Here's some water.

Oh god, I got sick all down the front.

No, no, no, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay. Have a sick one. I need a new seashell bra. Yeah, we'll get you whatever you want. You can have clothes for a new seashell bra.

Can you get like a wheelbarrow next time? I'm so tired, it's exhausting.

Yeah, you want it. We can have one of the servants warping you up.

I'm sick.

Hey, I'm so sorry to do this. I know that you're sick and you waddle all the way up here. It feels like maybe my pain lesson's not going to happen tonight if that's fine.

Erin, I left so hard my contact came loose. I love the idea of Ariel going on land and just being like, oh no, oh no, I need water, and then just barfing all over her chest.

That's my version of Little Mermaid.

Very funny. Let's just do a couple more. We'll do some shorter riddles here and then we'll call it there.

My brain broke in that scene for a second. I have like quarantine mashed potato brain and sometimes when I try to do improv it won't come out.

That was my fault. I never should have given you a premise that I intended you to do.

I gotta say, I am 100% surprised that when you said we see the merwoman with Prince that you weren't like... Here we go. What number do you get when you multiply all the numbers on a telephone's number pad? Some math for y'all? I know it. What number do you get when you multiply all of the numbers on a telephone? That would be funny if that was that.

You get an error message because you cannot multiply that little pound sign. You get a zero because anything times zero is zero. Nothing plus nothing makes nothing.

You gotta ask something if you want to use the phone.

Oh man.

That was so joyous. We're sorry.

It should be...

Nothing from nothing needed.

GPC, GPC, you're exactly right. The answer is zero. Any number multiplied by zero is zero.

I think Erin queued into something that is a very good idea and I think that what we should spend the next year of our lives doing is rewriting all error messages or like wrong number, anything that people like hit an error that kind of frustrates you and we should rework them to be little parody jiggles based on a famous song. He's like, hey now, Number's wrong. Try the phone number once again.

Yeah, Hey Riddle Riddle would like to take over all error methods. Any kind for any company, any website, anything ever. We would like to be the ones to take it over.

Thank you so much. The number's wrong. All right. Everybody. Try that number one more time. Let's do another one here. Speaking of numbers, what do the numbers 11, 69, and 88 all have in common?

Say them again.

What do the numbers 11, 69, and 88 all have in common? Are they like mere images flipped and reversed? They're all things that Clang the Clown did to your mom once.

It's your human name right now, Ian!

What's that, Missy Elliott?

And you're Shimon and Miss Ranyin.

Got a long number, got a filelet to find out how wrong you got a filelet.

I know you're all used to this, listeners, but I often don't do this with Sean that often, where I get the words wrong to a song, but I've been doing that with my humps lately, and it's been making us laugh really hard. I try to be a-nancin', say you wanna-nancin', always sittin' next to me, and always sittin' next to me, findin' me my hump.

I like that you make Furi sound like an ant who's seeing a newborn baby.

She's not?

That's what I assumed.

Oh, who's this little cutie? You're wearing pajamas.

Yes you are. How about the numbers 11, 69, and 88? Give it a little thought and what do they all have in common? All these numbers have in common.

No doubt about it. Boy oh boy. They don't add up to each other. They're not. They have two E's in them? They have what? E's. Okay.

The letter E.

11, 69, and 88, I guess. So yeah, I mean, that's something.

Oh, it has an E. Oh, an E. So it has cable. We know drama. What do the numbers 11, 69, and 88 all have in common? I'll give you a little hint. So don't think about the spelling. Just imagine the actual numbers in your mind's eye. 11, 69, and 88.

Are we saying 11 is just like, uh, are they ones with any flare or are they just up and down?

You flip them over, it's the same.

Erin, you got it right while JPC was grasping at straws. They read the same right up.

Wait, Adal, wait for him to get a straw. Okay. JPC, did you get a straw? Uh, keep drinking?

These are all, um, non-the-buyer degradable kind. I only do the steel straws that you can rewash.

I'm sippin' up my drink in a crazy straw. Erin, you're correct. They read the same right side up and upside down and backwards for flip it and reverse it.

That's exactly what I said at the beginning. I said that they were mirror images of each other, but okay.

Let's do one more. How can you place a pencil on the floor so that no one can jump over it? Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack can't jump over this mechanical bit. How can you place a pencil on the floor so that no one can jump over it? This is something, this is an actual thing that we did in our grade school where we would bet people, I bet you can't jump over this pencil if I put it on the floor and then we would get like a quarter.

And your grade school was one room and it was 1901 and you were saving for the war.

Private Ryan. I took that quarter and of course at the time that was worth $300,000 and I invested it in Google.

You write, don't jump on the floor with the pencil. Oh, you put it up against the wall. You can't jump over it.

Bingo bingo, ha ta ta. You put it next to a wall and nobody can jump over it. Unless you're the Kool-Aid man, then you burst the fucking... Oh yeah!

We owe him a dollar!

That will never not be funny to me. We have to do, we have to somehow make a comic book or something that's Kool-Aid Man Santa. He's got to be like Kool-Aid Gringle or something. There's got to be a better name than Kool-Aid Man Santa.

I will say the one thing that we shouldn't ever do is Google this because it exists like everything like every every joke that I would tweet I always like go into Twitter and I'm like I'm just gonna see who else has done it and it's like a million people who all have one like have been like okay great so that idea is not maybe the best.

Do we think that someone's already done high seas Santa where Santa has a sleigh of sharks and the lead shark is has red blood all over his muzzle? No. What do you call a shark's mouth? Snoot?

I'm out. Yeah, I'm out.

Oh, okay. Thank you, Erin. Erin, since you answered that correctly for me, thank you so much. Do you have anything to plug?

Follow my Instagram, Erin Keif 10. I will be posting some comedy stuff over there, hopefully a lot more stuff soon. I don't know, I've been pretty busy. Audition season happened, started happening again, so I'm a little bit busy, but I will post more stuff over there soon. JPC, anything to plug?

Just go to twitch.com and throw a little backslash in there and then put in the words Shark Barkman and then, you know, subscribe to Twitch and watch me play video games. A lot of fun happening over there.

Adal, anything to plug? I've been doing a lot of guest spots on podcasts so I want to plug those. So here's a list of podcasts where you can check me out guesting and also check out even when I'm not guesting please. Those would be Time Machine Talk Show Riverdale High AV Club, where I had to watch the whole season, first season of Riverdale, which we started and now I finished. The other podcasts are Break Room at the Cineplex, the Weekly Cool Down podcast, Bitstorm Podcast, Smallwood Sessions, SPEW, which stands for Spectrum People Enjoying Wizardry, the podcast Chain of Being, where I did a brief audio guest spot. It's a scripted sort of sci-fi show. Review Review, which I think we've plugged before, but all three of us were on that. The Unsocial Blists, and then also, I'm not sure when this will come out probably later this year, but I was on a podcast called Welcome to Hell. Which is put on by the Rooster Teeth folks. So check all those out, please.

Erin, what percentage of these do you think are real and what percentage of these are joke podcasts? Because it's always like a list of like nine podcasts.

Oh, shoot. I'm sorry. I forgot a few more here. Don't forget to check out Baloney Roof. What else? Dibs.

Dibs on Baloney Roof. Nope. Take it as a joke. It's mine. Don't. Don't. Don't. I'm doing a very serious, very sad podcast about death called Baloney Roof.

And Erin, I love your idea for Bologna Roof. You did say that you had a very kind of, a very heavy, a very kind of, I don't want to say it like this, but out of this world concept for episode one of Bologna Roof, and that was... Uh, Jupiter?

Jupiter.

Bye forever! ...created by Adal Rifai... ...starting Erin Keif... ...and John Patrick Coan... ...Casey Tovey to be editing... That was a HeadGum podcast.