Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

With the 41st pick in the 2020 NBA Draft, the Seattle Supersonics select a 28-year-old woman out of Chicago who's never played sports, Erin Keif.

Okay, first of all, that is hurtful, but the implication of never played sports is hurtful. Second of all, I feel really honored to be joining the team. I hope I don't let you guys down.

Okay, we found out there's been a trade. Erin Keif has been traded.

Already?

She's being traded to an Urban Outfitters in Virginia.

Okay, I feel less confident about that somehow.

With the 42nd pick in the 2020 NBA Draft, the Charlotte Hornets, these are not teams anymore, the Charlotte Hornets select John Patrick Coan. Nothing in the rules since a dog can't play basketball. Swish. Oh, that has to be a new t-shirt that just says, Woof period, swish period. Sure, why not? Isn't that a Katy Perry song? Oh, you're thinking of fireworks.

From her greatest album ever, that one that came out when she had short hair. It's Hey Riddle Riddle.

Speaking of Katy Perry, it's Hey Riddle Riddle. I'm a firework. I'm a plastic bag.

I was going to say plastic bag, so I'm also a plastic bag.

You're a bit more of a roar, Erin. We don't do kitty bear references. And welcome to the show, and we also have some special guests joining us. This is our first lockdown guest, so virtual guests. Please welcome to the show Geoffrey James and Reilly Anspaugh.

I'm getting pulled over, guys.

Be cool while you're getting pulled over.

She's Rick Flair.

Oh, coming in hot. We're on one. We're on Hey Riddle Riddle. Jeff, they let us on for some reason.

I'm excited to see Erin resurrect the Seattle Supersonics as a plastic bag.

Yeah, I realized, as I said, Seattle SuperSonics and Charlotte Hornets, I'm like, both these teams no longer are in those cities. They both move cities.

You're going to watch an eight-part documentary of how I changed that. I bring it back from the dead. Absolutely. Well, you guys, I'm interested to hear how your lockdown is going. Jeffrey, you mentioned that you're staying with your family right now.

Yeah, I've been home in Cleveland, Ohio, so I'm almost in your guys' neck of the woods for the better part of a semester here. Which has been nice because I don't have a yard in LA, so it's been nice to have a yard. My sister's cat is here, so that's been fun. But I am going back at the end of the month, so it's been a nice summer vacay to see the fam and to have free food for a while. And to avoid LA County's spike in numbers, baby!

Love your enthusiasm.

I'm petrified, but I smile.

Geoffrey, you said you got some of that sweet, sweet Cleveland food, and of course Cleveland's famous dish is regular hamburger? Perogies. It is perogies, yeah.

Regular hamburger.

I saw someone post a picture online of an Ohio-style breakfast pizza, which looked to be pizza dough, baked beans, and fried eggs. Is that a real thing? That can't be real, right?

So basically, what you have to do is it's a flour tortilla, Hidden Valley Ranch, Vegan, I guess mayonnaise on the day, which is the cheese for some reason because you overbake it. And then you could put some kind of like what Adal said, just like ground beef that's kind of well done.

Is this real?

I've never heard you talk about this. No, it's not real.

Listen, man, I don't know Ohio. It could be.

Everyone in Ohio listening is just nodding. That's it. See, this is why LeBron left.

And that's a brunch. Riley, how was your lockdown? It was wild. Right now, it is my boyfriend staying with me and my roommate. But at the beginning of lockdown, my sister had flown out with my four-year-old nephew before lockdown happened, before we were all quarantining. Hey Riddle. A four-year-old and a lab puppy were all just in my house for like a month. It really was.

Yeah, but your mom says that every time Vanessa comes to LA. She's like, I think she's going to get stuck here. And you're like, what are you talking about? She said that in 2014.

She keeps saying it until she's finally right. And so now she doesn't say it anymore because it happened. Yeah.

Who's laughing now?

Exactly. It's been good. Been doing a lot of paint by numbers. Oh. So nice. My roommate just started doing it and I'm like, oh, that looks amazing. And it is. Oh my God. Couldn't recommend it enough. So it's been the summer of numbers painted or otherwise.

My roommate was complimenting my formatted painting and I was like, actually, yeah, it's pretty fucking good.

My girlfriend just ordered some paint by number. She was telling me about it yesterday. She's very excited for it.

It's great. It's oh, there's no better high than when you finish a number you move on to the next one and then you get frustrated by how many spaces you have to fill with that. It's a chaotic cycle that repeats itself, but it's quite nice.

See what I like to do is I like to buy existing paintings. I'll go to like a thrift store. So you're spending like 30k to make your own Sudoku. Yeah, but it's so nice. Yeah, Riley, I guess what you could say is the podcast is doing really well, so... And we should mention, before we get into our riddies and pussies, we should mention that Geoffrey and Riley are part of the Headgum family. They are on the show and they have their own podcast called Review Review. Which we will not spell. Which we will not spell. You have to figure that out yourselves.

That's another one of the puzzles for the week.

Yeah, and we will accept payment 30,000 over that.

Do you guys accept ruined paintings as payment because we need to look at those?

Yeah, Adal, that looks like a squandered Monet behind it.

Yes, yes. And since we're bringing up people's backgrounds, it's taboo to do on Zoom, but Riley, it's driving me absolutely crazy. You have a blank wall behind you with one pink post-it note. What do you think it says?

Everyone make a guess. What do you think it says?

I think it's blank. I think instead of doing like paint swatches because you're thinking about painting your wall hot pink and so you just have that as like a test.

That's my guess.

Okay. I think it says you are loved and it's just a daily reminder.

I don't even look at it, but I wake up and I just know it's behind me. It's there. I'm not going to turn around. Jeff, your guess?

I think it says, find ruined painting. So that's exactly where Adal's thing is going to go.

Got it. Does your post-it note say, is it a list of people you need to kill?

Close. It says, okay, are you guys from Drumroll, please? A synchronized Zoom Drumroll, please.

Impossible.

So underwhelming. But it's just a little, hey, I love you from my boyfriend. Okay, there I said it. I said it. We just, we leave little notes around the house and what's actually I'm noticing about this that I never have noticed before and now it's driving me crazy. It's not even centered above the bed. It's like it's still locked to one side.

That's the first thing I clued into.

But yeah, it is a hot pink post-it note on a blank white wall because no art above the bed because California earthquakes. So this will be the least lethal thing to fall on my face in my sleep.

I guess that's kind of cute, but I know in my situation I see my partner every second of every day, and if she left me a post-it, I would like rip it down and be like, this is exhausting.

You're like, I know, I know.

And this is a waste of paper.

I know, and I'll see you at lunch. God damn it.

So Daniel writes, I love you, and puts it above the bed. What do you write to his notes? Like, are they cute and sweet?

It's just kind of like a list of things throughout the day that I've noticed him doing wrong. So he'll write me things that he loves about me and I'll just say like, you know, you overcook the eggs. So it's like a really nice back and forth that we have. That's only fair. Yeah, just to even it out.

So the concept for our show is riddles, which is sort of a fun nightmare that we live in. So welcome.

Those are called dreams, Erin.

What is it like for a nightmare when it's like really good and really fun and you get to kiss your crush? You had a sex nightmare.

A wet scream. Wet scream.

Sorry I had to go. Love that. So I'm going to be Old Man Puzzles and read some riddles. Should there be a prize this episode for who gets the most riddles?

Oh yeah, we should do that.

$1,000 buy-in. $1,000 buy-in. High rollers.

Erin, before we get into the riddles, which I definitely want to get into, it's been about 10 minutes or so. So I do want to see a scene. Let's go ahead and get the ball rolling on that. And so what we're going to do is, Riley, you're going to be in a relationship with JPC. You've been leaving JPC a ton of little notes around the house and whatnot. And JPC, you're fed up with it and you're finally having that confrontation.

Yeah, so I guess I don't know where to start. I mean, I think I figured out what's going on. And I'm sorry, you're coming into this situation so behind, I've been playing all this out in my head. For the past three months, I think I've been losing my memory and I think I've been leaving myself notes to try to get my memory back. But I don't remember the notes that I'm writing, and I don't remember the things that I'm reading. So what I think happened, I've been piecing this together. I was giving my wife insulin. No, that's all. That's immediately out. You're here, my wife.

Fuck. Yeah, no, no, no, no. Don't worry. Honey, I've been leaving the notes. Why? Why?

Why have you been doing this to me? What are you talking about?

It's my love language. My love language is words of affirmation. So I like to just leave it around the house. I thought you'd think it was a nice thing that I'm like, oh, you know, you look good today. And hey, remember to get milk.

Kelly, I tracked down a man at a milk store and I killed him. What the fuck? I killed a man at an Oberweiss deli because I thought that he had hurt you.

You got all that from Go Get Milk? I need it for pancakes?

Yes, I thought that pancakes were our future and I thought I had to kill this milk man to secure our future.

The numerology, you weren't using numerology on this. Pancakes is the same. I was saying like, oh, it's 3 p.m. Maybe let's go for a walk.

Okay, so I went to buy a walk at a Macy's and I ended up strangling a Macy's employee. Jesus Christ. Okay, I'm so sorry. You know what? Let's just erase the last three months. No, that's not good.

No, no, I think we're a little too far past that. Okay.

I went to the milk store. Japes, you are losing your memory.

You didn't say what year, you didn't say what year that scene was in. I'm not stupid. Because in the 50s, in the 50s, they used to have giant supermarket just milk store.

That sounds disgusting, especially in the summer. There's a milk store, there's the egg store.

At what year are we going to say? You all get a point? Milk delivery people, whose whole job it is to deliver milk, they had to be a brick and mortar milk store, right?

Are we ready for our first riddle? Absolutely. This is from Maddie, so thank you Maddie for submitting this. A man wakes up, prepares the same breakfast he has every morning, and then dies. What happened? This riddle is stupid and frustrating and Maddie said that when she submitted it.

The breakfast he has every morning is one tenth of a poison.

I love how you chose one tenth because there's nothing about how many days it's been. You just sussed out that it's the tenth day.

It's the same breakfast.

Erin, can I ask a question about the breakfast? Is it like a normal breakfast or is Adal on to the right train of thought with it being like a poisoned breakfast?

I'd say it's a normal breakfast.

It's a normal breakfast.

I will say this is just going to be a shot in the dark. You don't have enough information to adequately guess this, so you can just have fun with it.

Erin, when you say normal breakfast, just to clarify real quick, is it an Erin normal breakfast or like a normal human being person's breakfast?

Oh, okay. Yeah, human being. I don't know. I'm still learning.

When you say this is a shot in the dark, is that how he died?

Nice. Nice.

Pon Jovi, Colin.

Nope. Yeah, normal human breakfast. What's a normal Erin breakfast? Just crying over a bowl of spaghetti you made the day before. Got it. Okay, so eggs then. Well, actually his breakfast includes eggs. And that's important? I don't know. None of this is important. I can't stress this enough. I'm starting with one of the most frustrating riddles, so everyone just gets used to it right out of the gate.

I'm sorry for asking during a quarantine lockdown for coronavirus if this man's breakfast was important. I'm starting to have my worldview skewed by what is it is not important.

Was this man Jimmy Dean and he got tired of looking at himself and jumped off a building?

No.

Okay.

Did this man have enemies, frenemies?

He got killed by one of his frenemies. No, but I will give you the beginning part of the answer, which is the man is a mountain climber on a climb while he makes his breakfast.

Oh, you fool. You just gave us everything.

No, I didn't.

He chokes on the eggs.

No.

So the man's a mountain climber, he's trying to reach the summit of K2 or whatever that thing is called, and he goes to drink orange juice, ha ha ha, it's frozen due to the altitude, and he basically swallows a popsicle of orange juice, and that gets lodged in his throat and he dies.

Close, but no.

I love that because that's the most stubborn man on the planet who's like, no, the orange juice is fine!

It's not close, but it's close with how dumb of an answer it is.

So close, butt cigar? Yes.

No. Nope. Nope.

Nope. Does it have anything to do with altitude?

No. That would be a good answer. This is a bad answer. I think I'm going to give it to you.

No, no, hold on. We can guess more. Riley, Jeff, do you have anything?

But it does have to do with eggs somehow? He is eating eggs, and then he puts something on the eggs, and the thing he puts on the eggs creates a domino effect of tragedy. Oh my God.

He's eating eggs. He's a mountain climber.

All right, let's go through all the spices that you can put on eggs. Number one, with a bullet.

That's hot sauce. Too hot.

He falls off his hand.

It blows him away.

Does he put cumen on the eggs? Then read the label and say, did I just put cum on my eggs and then jump off because now he's eaten cum and it's like the albatross riddle where like years ago he ate it on a desert island. Cum?

The answer is Coan. He downs a Serrano and his name is Johnno. He's blown away by the rhyme.

He is blown away by the rhyme. He is... It's a spice that he puts on it that causes... I'm just giving it to you.

Is this a pepper sneeze?

Yes! It's a pepper sneeze! When he went to put pepper on the eggs, he accidentally breathed some in, sneezed, then caused an avalanche, which killed him.

I want to see a scene. Okay, so, Jeffrey, you are going to be making some breakfast for your roommates. Your roommates are going to be Adal and Erin. They have known this about you for a long time, but you keep trying accidentally, quote-unquote, inhaling pepper, and they're pretty fed up with all of your excuses for how you're getting pepper in your nose accidentally.

Morning, sleepyheads. Morning. Here for Huevos Rancheros.

Yeah, but I just say it normal. Hot eggs. Just call them either ranch eggs or hot yolks.

Hot yolks before we do hot yoga. How about that? I've got our whole morning planned.

Hey dude, you got a little something under your nose.

I'm glad you noticed. I've been trying to grow out a little stat.

Mike, have you been doing pepper again?

No, I'm just having a ball. Obviously, we're in quarantine. I'm trying to take up new hobbies. And sure, if I like to partake and have a little... Buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy.

Slow down. Anytime you do pepper, you talk so fast.

I'm just hyped on breakfast.

I'm hyped on pepper corn. I know you think you sound interesting right now, but you're not, okay? Pepper does that to you. Pepper makes you think you're the most fascinating person in the room.

Mike, when you were addicted to salt, it really tested our friendship. But we were like, just don't, whatever you do, don't get addicted to something you put in food again. And then Mike, you went ahead and tested our friendship.

It tested my cholesterol. All right. And you guys couldn't give a shit. So now I make you wavel, sorry, ranch eggs. And you know what, I'm sorry.

You have some Tabasco coming out of your nose.

He snorts such weird breakfast materials that your first guess is Tabasco.

That guy would have a really delicious brain. If I was a zombie, I would eat that guy's brain first. Ranch eggs is foul.

With a side of foul, as in he had a chicken breast.

Enough of that. I also think hot yolks before hot yoga, that made my soul barf. Just like the thought of that was like, uh... Yeah, wolf swish.

One time I had a milkshake with my friend in the hot yoga and I wanted to die.

Sweating dairy.

It was like the night I had entirely white Russians. I was like, I'm not meant to be a person anymore. I can't. I'm mostly just dairy. Hey Riddle.

That's one of my favorite things to do on a night out or at dinner with friends.

That is your favorite thing to do.

I was in Colorado right before we went on lockdown and my friend and his girlfriend had to keep getting up to go to the bathroom because we had gone skiing that day and they drank a lot of water and my other friend and I kept ordering them the worst drinks possible so we sent them a virgin white Russian, we sent a melon ball and it was everything. It got to the point where they would rather soil themselves than get up and get another drink.

What is a virgin white Russian? It's like milk. It's milk!

That's what we call an albino Ukrainian.

Alright, here's your next riddle. This is another warm-up riddle. Should be kind of easy. Are we ready?

Yes.

Great. What has six faces but does not wear makeup has 21 eyes but cannot see? What is it?

What?

You six-faced bish. It's got 21 eyes?

But does not wear makeup has 21 eyes but cannot see. Riley, do you know it? I do, but I won't, like, I would rather people to get it.

I just got it, I just got it.

Yeah, me too.

Yeah, so we all know it. So if Geoff and you want to say it first, we all definitely know it.

Well, you know, we can all say it at the same time and then sort of like, muffley, just mouth what you say.

Totally. Okay.

Some sort of demon.

All right, so we're gonna do three, two, one, then we're all gonna say it. Sorry, Adal, sorry. We all agree it's some sort of Greek demon. Greek demon, yeah.

Is that the right word? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so here we go. Here we go. Three, two, one. A bag of potatoes. A bag of potatoes. A bag of dyes.

A bag of dyes. The devil on the strike.

So we all got it and we all heard what we each other said and I think we can move on because we all know it.

Everyone knew it was dice.

I want to see a scene. Jeff, JBC and Reilly, you were three friends, you're in Vegas together, and Reilly just won't go to bed. Reilly just is still gambling and you're trying to steer her to get off the floor and call it a night.

Alright, here we go. Here we go. Snake eyes one time. Boom! There we go. We're on a streak, boys. Come on, white Russians all around.

Who's with you? Riley. It's like five in the morning. Why don't we go to sleep and then come back and do this tomorrow?

Hey, how about if you get blackjack right now, then I'll go to bed, huh? Bed on that. I'll bed on that.

You just threw dice and now you want to walk across the floor to go to play Blackjack?

I am awake. I am ready. We are on a high. Famously, you'll never come down from a high when you're in Vegas. So I think, let's keep this streak while we're hot. Get a couple drinks.

Look, Davis, Davis, Davis, Davis. I know like we were like, okay, Cheryl left you, let's drive to Vegas, let's cheer you up. But like, we can only do it so much. Like we already, we drove, you napped in the car. So you kind of reap the benefits.

And that was really nice of you to drive. I feel like really really energized and like I'm not even thinking about the heartbreak which is really cool so you guys are being great friends and if you guys stay longer like I'll be so happy.

Yeah I mean Davis we don't want to be buzz kills now but you keep talking about how you're on a hot streak and you can't stop winning. You've lost almost every bet you've placed. You just threw dice on a blackjack table. And we said that we had you for this weekend, so the money is not important to us, but now that it's been, it's like $2,400, we should maybe take a break and enjoy some of the free amenities of the casino, like the rooms that we paid for.

Yeah, Cheryl wanted a break and that's why we're here, right? So we are going to keep playing the cards.

Yeah, that's how to break, she broke up with you. I'm so sorry to interrupt, but ma'am I didn't want to let you know, you did roll snake eyes and I would recommend splitting those. Always split snake eyes.

This is my new favorite game.

You're gonna play Blackjack and the highest each card could get is six. You're not gonna win.

Yeah, I think he wants you to play that because it's very much in his favor. Hey man, hey, no offense man. You are not helping. So you want to stay?

We're going to split the snake guys. Oh my god.

I have cards and you have dice so I'm showing a king so let's go ahead and split those snake guys and now roll that's another three that's four over here roll here it's a five sorry can I ask what's the buy-in for this table it's low right tell me it's low because it's our cash Well the chips are on the table and you can go ahead and say what it is right now. The denomination. It's like $800.

And the money doesn't matter. These are my friends, sorry. These are my friends. They said money doesn't matter. They are the best friends in the world. Really helping me out.

Hold on, hold on. What's your name? Your name is Xander with two X's? That's correct. I was named after the Buffy character. Didn't Cheryl say that she cheated on you with someone named Xander with two X's?

Hey baby, I'm back from the... Oh my god. Holy shit, Cheryl. You look terrible. Have you been drinking a ton of White Russians? I've only had White Russians all night. How could you tell? This is Xander. We are in love.

Baby, you got some pepper on you.

Oh, shoot. I'm doing fine. Oh.

I'm only doing White Russians all night. How could you tell? Just shit, stuff, shit, topics.

She's on a bit of a pepper grinder. Speaking of taking a break to get some White Russianson pepper, which is an awful thing that we will not do, we're going to take a little break and we will be right back with more Riddles and Pubbles.

With the 195th pick and 2020 NBA draft, the Chicago Bulls select J.P. Riddles.

Well, well, well. My old friend a bull. I never thought I'd really quite get one over on you after the last time we ran into each other. I tried to take your peanut butter, famously. You got that in your mouth. You kicked me right in the teeth. Knocked me out unconscious.

Mr. Riddles, my friends haven't met you yet. They're my two best friends from school. Can you just like, introduce yourself?

I don't care who they are. I saw that basketball first. It's mine. I know that thing's full of gold and I'm taking that to the mountains.

Sorry guys, Mr Riddle, he wrote Swan Lumps. It's sort of like a goosebumps spin-off. He's one of our recurring characters and he's really scary. He lives with raccoons.

No, no, no. I'm not scary. That's a lie. My teeth are scary because so many of them are missing.

Can you give us a flash of that smile?

Yeah, I'll give you a flash.

Oh gums. Gums.

Don't look at it. Look away from it. Don't directly look at it.

And he's not a recurring character. He rides a recumbent bike. Is that corn on the cob and a holster on your belt? How do you eat that?

It's not mine, I'm holding it for a friend. And I would never eat my only weapon, you fool. Leave me to fix this.

Oh, you dropped this Mr. Riddles. A coupon to the Milk Store.

This is my favorite part of this when everyone notices things about me that I have no control over and thinks I'm not the same.

That's how you get the price, right?

197th pick.

Not possible.

They're still announcing them too. People are still watching. He's definitely playing in Europe.

I'm gonna hit us with another riddle. I think we've had some variation of this on the show before, but I don't care. A man goes out drinking every night and doesn't come home until the wee hours of the morning. No matter how much he drinks the night before, the man never has a hangover. The man is 17 years old.

He's going to a soda fountain.

The man's in a frat.

Does it say he drinks alcohol or just says he drinks?

He drinks. Where's the man's home and what is his favorite drink?

Where's the man's home? Why do we have to solve these questions about this? Wait, he's so drunk he can't remember his address?

What's the man's star sign and Enneagram number?

I would say he's a Scorpio 5. And he's probably like an INFP. I don't know.

I mean, I don't know him that well. That's just a guess. Wait, what is, is it really, where is his home as well as his drink?

Yeah, where, like, I guess, don't focus as much of where his home is.

I guess, again, this doesn't matter. He must live in like a lighthouse or some shit, right? That's part of it.

A man goes out drinking every night and doesn't come home until the wee hours of the morning, no matter how much he drinks the night before, the man never has a hangover.

Santa Claus. Does he never have a hangover? He never goes to sleep.

Hot cocoa.

I really love that guess. I do think Santa wakes up with a hangover. I don't care what people say. There's so much sugar in one night.

Oh wait, I think I know this.

Right, don't say it yet.

Oh okay.

I want to make sure everyone knows. This is a dice situation.

I feel like, I also do feel like we've had something very similar to this on the show before, but we've been doing this show now for over 100 episodes, so it's impossible to know if this is a riddle that has occurred.

Wait, I think my answer's wrong. So I was gonna say that he never wakes up in the morning with a hangover because he goes to sleep in the morning, but I think it just says he never wakes up with a hangover.

That's good. I think you're assuming this is a word play, Riddle, and it is not. It's dumber than that.

So it's not like home is where the heart is and it's water. No. Got it. If only though.

Okay. It's not where he lives. It's when he lives. All right. 1926 prohibition. There is no alcohol. He's drinking mocktails on the day in the East Village of Manhattan.

We open on the outside of a speed easy.

Well, his home is 60 feet from third base. The man is Joe DiMaggio, and he's drinking up the Yankees.

Milk Store closes.

Read all about it. Countries only Milk Store goes under. It's bathtub gin, but he did all the wrong ingredients, so he's just drinking bath water.

Ah, yes. Uh, famously no hangover from that. I'm gonna give you some clues that I think are gonna give it away immediately. The man is a sucker for a free drink. Don't.

He's a fish.

He's a fish.

The man is a fish that's shaped by water for a free drink.

The man gets his drink straight from the source. This is the absolute funniest clue because it really is just the answer. The man lives alone in a European castle.

The man always has a quick bite before he has a drink. Hi Riddle.

William Randolph.

What are you drinking?

He's a sucker for a free drink. What's his favorite drink? He always has a quick bite before he has a drink.

You keep putting this emphasis on the words like they're important.

I don't know what you mean. I am not doing that. Sucker bite? Oh!

Riley has it.

Yeah, go for it.

And again, we all do know and I definitely absolutely have it right and so I will say with confidence and I won't be wrong and we'll all move on from it and it's not a leech, is it?

No, close to a, very close to a leech.

Mosquito? Is it a mosquito?

No, it's a man. Oh, he's a vampire? Yay! Yeah. He is a vampire. Is that fun? All right.

We're going to see a quick scene. Adal, you are going to be playing a paranormal investigator in the year 1476, let's say. We are a village full of people, and you're trying to explain that there's a vampire in the town, but you're never going to quite get to that because of all of the guesses that we have as to what it is that is really inhabiting this town.

May I have your attention please? Hitherto and on and on and on. My name is Norman Investigata and I am a paranormal investigator. I've found something in this town that all of you should know about.

Something's been eaten my sheep it has.

Oh okay. Well ma'am I've noticed you have a butchery shop. It seems like you kill your sheep, cut out the meat and then prep and sell those and cook it and eat it. Oh, he's good. He's good. He figured it out in one. What's your name?

My name?

Never mind. I'll stay away from me. It's a pretty dry well over here. Anytime you ask someone what their name is and they say my name, you know they have nothing. So let's, yes, you have a question in the back.

Yeah, Dustin Magnus, Medieval Times. Question. You said your last name was Investigator.

Investigate Tarr.

Tarr. What do you say about the accusations that you created a fake job and that you just kind of go around and causing hysteria?

I think there's a lot of truth to those accusations.

Thank you so much. This man's a hard-hitting journalist he is. He's exposed the whole town. I don't think there's actually a vampire in this town.

Nobody said that. Okay, so here we go. I never said vampire. I never said vampire.

And I'm certainly not one. Let's move on. Mr. Blood seems to be talking a lot about vampires but not being one.

Could I just say, I'm feeling a little called out on the, you can't just invent your own job, because if this town didn't have a horse friend, then all of the horses would be lonely.

We all know what a horse friend does. You're not fooling anyone by saying friend instead of the other one.

Wait, Mr. Flood's getting away. No need be a distraction. Focus on the vampire in the village.

Like I said, no vampire in the village. Just keep answering questions for medieval times. I'll see y'all in the morning. I'll be asleep.

Quick question, Mr. Blood. What is your job? Because no one ever seems to see you during the daytime.

Are you holding a microphone?

No, this is actually a piece of hay that I kind of strung together and somehow when I go to read my piece I remember it based on which stick of hay I looked at for which question.

Good enough answer for me!

I was going to say, those haven't been invented yet. I'm from the future, you should know. Of course, of course.

Wait, sorry, now that's the story's about. You're from the future? Do people still have such petty and small views on horse human friendships in the future?

Mr. Horseman, what is your name? Because you did not. That one stumped you, and that was the easiest one. My name? See, then he goes again.

He knows he fucks horses, but he doesn't know his name. Oh no. I don't see him.

We never got to it, but I'm pretty sure that guy was a vampire.

I love the idea of, I need to tell you all something, I've found something and then someone going, there's no vampires. I was like, right. Not what I was going to say, but now I have more to say.

I was going to say, but now that you said it, there definitely is. Also the variation of accents in that town, it was absolute perfection. Yeah, I started off where I was like... A real melting pot.

I started off and I was like, I'm going to speak like an old-timey, and then I was like, I quit.

Here are some more riddles from Elizabeth Teeter. She wants us to use her name because she thinks it would be cool. Her name is Elizabeth Teeter. Hello Elizabeth.

Fans of the show, write us in. Let us know. Was it cool? We want to know.

How do we all feel about it?

I'll go on the record. I think it's cool. It's a cool name. It's kind of like Twitter.

I will say one of my favorite shows of all time is Dark on Netflix and there's a character named Claudia Tiedemann and all the time around the house I'll just lean over to Gemma and whisper in her ear, Claudia Tiedemann. So I think it's a great name.

Yeah, but her leaving love notes is an annoyance for you.

My love language is Claudia Tiedemann.

Well, I will say whispers are dangerous post-its. Honey, honey, new name alert, alright? Adal's out the door. Now I'm Claudia Teedleman. Claudia Teedleman. I'm not gonna call you that.

Claudia is a fantastic name. If anyone is naming their baby this week, you can credit us.

That offer expires on Saturday night. Check back in, Erin's gonna have a new Baby Name of the Week for ya.

Honey, I was listening to a podcast and now I have a name for our baby.

You can also use Mr. Blood, but you have to give me credit.

That's the first two names. And you know what? I don't have permission to do this, but I'll say it. You can also name it Doughboy. Just the one.

Here is your next riddle.

Thank you.

I'll bleed for you until my veins run dry. I'll send your imagination soaring high. Use me with a flourish and I'll make your dreams come true. I come in all colors, but mostly black and blue.

Ink pen. Is this an Evanescence song?

Yeah.

Got it. Got it in one.

Any excuse to talk about Evanescence. Anyone know?

Is it ink? Like pen?

Like oil? Oh, it's a pen! You got it.

That was pretty good. Did Elizabeth write that herself?

Let me look.

I don't know. Maybe she didn't volunteer.

She did. I wrote at work when I should have been actually working. Hint, they are all things I can see on my desk.

She's part of the White House Coronavirus Task Force. I'd love to see a scene.

She's a surgeon. I'm just kind of daydreaming.

I'd love to see a scene. I want to see, this is going to be Erin and Reilly. You are two people who are, I don't know, in the 1800s or whatever you want to be. I don't care. And you're writing correspondence and you really have nothing to say. You just love to write. You love to use equivalent ink. And so you're just going through that process and it doesn't really matter what you say. You have no real substance. And we'll go letter by letter.

Oh, okay. My dearest Catherine, what's up? How have you been? I'm a little thirsty right now, so that's what's new with me. Oh shoot, I thought of something earlier this week that I wanted to tell you, and now I forget what it is, but I'll remember. Your friend Elizabeth.

Dearest Elizabeth, how lovely it is to hear from you on this day. Not much has been going on. The street cleaners were loud this morning. Ooh, the condensation from my ice glass is dripping onto the table. We'll have to clean that up later. Ooh, what else? What else? What else? My feet are a bit chilly. Might get a blanket. Hope all is well with you. Yours, Catherine.

Dearest Catherine, my heart hurts for you to hear about the ice glass. Achoo! Oh my goodness, I just wrote my sneeze down. How weird is that? Oh, brother. Wait, I think I see a bird. See?

Not easy to send mail back.

You wait months for Rifai and it's a chew.

Those sort of feel like the text I send my mom. Like any excuse to talk to her, I'm like, hey, my feet are cold.

Hey, I know that you guys, like you're really close with Elizabeth, but I got across like the Fjords passage together. And I fell off an iceberg last time.

I had to do four sword fights to get this letter to her. Can you just wait until it's something important? Four sword fights!

Speaking of writing a chew, I have received emails from people where they're like, hey, I just want to know if we're still on for, you know, 5 p.m. And then it'll be like, dot, dot, dot, oh wait, I just looked at my calendar and it's 6 p.m. I'll see you then. And I'm like, do you not have a delete button? Like when people write out their train of thought.

In the same message.

It's insane.

Here is the next riddle from Elizabeth that you can see on her list. Erin, you're just looking around the room. She definitely wrote this and not me. Who is a guy on a podcast who is named Rhymes with Jeff? That's the riddle. Okay, here we go. I'll hold your very top secrets, your awards and your taxes. In many colors you may see me, though simple taupe is my favorite. When organizing is your goal, Your sanity, I'll save it.

See, I'm still hung up on I'm a podcaster and my name rhymes with James.

It was James. I'll hold your very top secrets, your awards, and your taxes. In many colors, you may see me, though simple top is my favorite. When organizing is your goal, your sanity, I'll save it.

File cabinet. Is this like a Manila envelope?

Yep. You got it. These are all desk things.

Oh man. The number of times that I had some sort of like fucking second quarter achievement award that was like a printout that someone like googled achievement award and then I got it in a fucking Manila envelope that I just kept on my desk like thinking maybe this will be something that I want to keep at one point. That's happened to me many times in my life.

I would like to see a scene. This is for Jeff and JPC. You are two secret agents and you've just received a new Manila envelope with your next top assignment in it. And maybe it's a little bit confusing.

Okay. It looks like our new assignment came. I've never seen it come in... What the hell? What would you call this?

It's like a little message in a bottle in a way.

Yeah, I guess so. It looks like it's a bottle with a message inside of it.

Yeah.

Oh, I assume that's a message inside of it. It's one pink post-it note in there. And I'm flipping the bottle around. It doesn't look like there's information on it, but maybe it's like that invisible, the invisible, you know?

Yeah, we'll squeeze lemon juice on it.

National treasure sign. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah, okay.

That's why I went into this job, by the way. I'm kind of a Nick Cage fiend slash head.

No kidding. Yeah. Is it National Treasure number one with the bullet? It's absolutely that sequel. The reason I came in to this job is I'm a huge Con Air fan. No fucking... I'm sorry, I know this. Yeah, no way. But not for Cage, I love Cusack. I'm a huge Cusack guy, I don't actually care for Cage.

Well then this is Sarah Giffenis, that we find ourselves in this position.

Open the bottle. Okay, open the bottle. Well there's no, it's just like, there's no neck to the bottle, it's just like a cylinder, it's like a clear glass cylinder. Yeah, what's the word for that? Oh boy. I'd Google it, but my kid took my computer.

Gentlemen, hey, I don't mean to be this overt about this, but you're in the middle of a Starbucks just screaming about your assignment. And it's a little time sensitive and people are dying. So can you just be like more inconspicuous?

I just think it's a little outrageous to say that this is the middle of a Starbucks, considering there's like a kitchen in the back.

Seen. Really got her. Yeah, you got me. Really, really pick your fights there.

Alright, this is the last thing that is on Elizabeth Teeter's desk. Are we ready? Yes. Without water, you will die. Without water, I will thrive. With too much sun, you will burn. For too much sun, I yearn and yearn. My open arms reach towards the sky. But get too close and I'll make you cry.

This is a garlic cactus. This is a pepper onion.

It's just a cactus. And that concludes everything that was on Elizabeth's desk.

Wait, get too close and I'll make you cry. Oh, ow! Like getting poked in the eye by a cactus?

Oh no, I have to see a scene. This is going to be JPC. You are walking through the desert. You come upon Erin. She is a cactus and she's going to try and make you cry.

A plant. That means that there must be water. There must be water.

Loser says what?

What?

What?

We both just said it.

What?

You said it again.

No, I didn't. Wait. Knock, knock, knock, knock.

Who's there?

You are ugly and so is your family.

Knock, knock.

Wait, you start this one, you start this one.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Do you have any water? What? Loser says what?

What? Oh man, you know what? It's fun about you.

You just said what again?

What? You know what's fun about you? What? You're inherently unlovable.

Okay, okay, okay.

Loser says what?

I'm not falling for that again. I've already fallen for it twice. It would be insane for me to fall for it again.

Oh yeah? Okay.

Kevin, think. Think okay. You're in the desert.

Okay, think. Think okay. This is you. I need water. I'm dying because I'm a human and I need water. That's what you sound like. Yes. And then you go, what? You say what?

You've said it.

What?

You've said it hundreds of times.

Wait, you got something on your shirt. You got something on your shirt.

My shirt's in rags. You should look down. I tore my shirt off to make these shoes.

Look down, you got a little something right here.

Just at my chest.

Hey buddy. Hey buddy. Over here at the Segura. I just want to apologize. She doesn't speak for all of us.

Oh, thank God. Another cactus.

You said you were a... Another cactus? Oh, thank God. Another cactus.

Okay. Hey, knock-knock. Knock knock. Who's there? Two more knocks.

Shit. Perfect.

Thank you Adal for when you played that cactus just now for holding your arms up.

Here's why. In Geoffrey's scene, when he was asking questions of the paranormal investigator, he held a microphone and then I was like, I need to start doing more object work. We gotta up our games.

Um, are we ready for another Riddle?

Yes, we are.

Okay, awesome. This one is from Rob. Okay, it's from Rob. I don't have nothing left to say about Rob. Holy shit, it's from Rob?

Rob with nothing else in a mic drop? Fuck, okay.

Dude, alright. Kevin is sentenced to death by firing squad. Susie, the person in charge of the firing squad, liked Kevin, so she made him a deal. Kevin could arrange the shooters in any way he wanted, and if he was still alive an hour after they were given the order to fire, he would be set free. Kevin was tied to the post, waited for one hour, and was set free. How did he do it?

I know it. He arranged them by stacking them on top of each other. So they're just one on top of the other.

So it's a person with a rifle and that's like what's at a perpendicular angle. So he arranged them like a log cabin style and then just into a house. And then he just lived in that shooter house for the rest of his life.

That's it.

That's definitely it.

That is so stupid. That is so stupid.

He faced them away from him.

Hey Riddle.

Yeah. 1-0. 21 guns.

Did he, did he arrange marriages for all the men so they were happy that they didn't, didn't shoot him? Oh my god.

Yes. I want a tall wife. I want a short wife. I want a what.

Is that Green Day still?

Yes. That's on American Idiot.

It's early.

It's early.

That's Duke E. Green Day. What did you say about, how would you arrange them? What was the real answer?

Arrange marriage? You could arrange them facing the other way. You could arrange them to where their guns were pointing into each other.

Yeah, that's basically it.

Where the guns are not pointing towards them basically.

They were in a circle around the post. None of the shooters dared fire. They might hit the shooter on the other side.

Oh, so it's not what we said where we were just like, aim the guns at each other and shoot themselves. It was actually a smart, clever thing where he was like, they're still aiming at me, but you could also maybe hit someone else.

He was very clever. This man, very, very smart. Probably a murderer too, and now he needs to just be free.

Yeah. Well, I will say based on Enter the Dragon, what would happen is they would all circle around him and then they would fire one at a time at close range while the rest patiently waited. Right.

Yeah. You always somehow find a way to tie these riddles back to Enter the Dragon.

Constantly. Constantly. Impressive. Casey catches most of them to cut them out. Occasionally someone else is talking and you had to leave what is. Just for continuity. Thank you, Rob. Thank you, Rob, for that Riddle.

Yeah. Thank you, Rob, for that Riddle. You did a great job. All right. Are we ready for some more?

Ready for one more.

One more? Well, then if I have one more, then just give me two seconds because I don't want to waste it.

How about you take one second and do two riddles?

That's a good deal.

I would love if JPC, if that door opens and then your kid walks in and then the nanny comes in like on that box.

You have a kid.

And my kid is just spaghetti on two legs. It's Erin's breakfast. We have a friend who has made that scene his Zoom background multiple times. Just the door in the office so it looks like you're just in that office and they could burst in at any second. That's amazing. That's awesome. For another show, Pat Connelly, for another show.

All right. This is our final riddle. A woman is accused of a crime tried in an American court of law and found guilty. The woman has not killed anyone or committed treason, yet the judge orders the death penalty. Her execution is swift, and there is no appeal or public protest. Just like a little heads up, a lot of riddles are about women getting killed. I think I know the answer. It's really fun and quirky.

She was a witch.

She's a witch. That's so quirky. What did you say? What did you guys say?

She's a witch. She's a witch they thought.

Yes! That's right! I was joking. No, that joke was real. Oh, Jeff's dancing. I'm so excited. I really needed this win actually. Here were the clues. 18 other people died from the same crime. The town is on the east coast of the U.S. The crime is no longer tried in the U.S. courts. And the conviction was in Massachusetts in 1692.

Fun fact about that, the crime is no longer tried in the United States, but the defense is still used very wildly today. I have gone with the witch defense several times in criminal trials. I can't be held accountable for my actions. I'm a witch. You robbed a milk store. Well, so it turns out that's a victimless crime because they couldn't find a milk store.

Yeah, you turned yourself in saying, I robbed a milk store and they said, what are you talking about?

He said, never mind, I'm a witch.

You're a drunk off white Russians.

I'm related to Rebecca Nurse.

Is that real? You have a family from Massachusetts? Is she Massachusetts? Yeah.

Is she a Salem? But she was killed.

I just thought Adal was like, my relative is Dave Doctor.

Rebecca the Nurse. She was killed and then she had two siblings who were, I think one was blind and one was deaf, and because of that, they were also accused of some sort of devilry. Oh, perfect. Yeah, exactly. And so they escaped and had kids and were descendants of one of them.

Have you like gone and done a Salem tour?

We went to Salem last year for my mom's 60th because she's super into genealogy and so she's the one who like discovered all that and so we went and put flowers near their like grave marker kind of things.

I'm from Massachusetts but I don't think I'm a witch, unfortunately.

I want to see a scene, let's say Erin and Geoffrey, the two of you are on trial for being witches. We'll say, Japes and Reilly, you two are the sort of prosecutors, you're the people trying to prove that they are witches or dole out their punishment, and we'll take you to Salem in this court.

Okay, you're first chair, so I'm just gonna sit back here and chill. Good luck. Honestly, I had a crazy night last night. I went to Salem, Vegas with the boys, and we used white Russians all night, and I'm just stuck. I'm not in shape. Sorry, we're like on stakes.

Yeah, no, I know. I know. We don't want to keep you for long. This is like more uncomfortable than you would think it is.

Do you just call me a moron? Do you just call me a moron?

No, no, no. Sit down. No.

Okay, enough with that. Enough with that.

Yeah, I'm insecure. The guy in the fucking Brooks Brothers suit is insecure. Come on.

Step down. All right. All right. Well, we all know why you're here. Farmer Jay, you know, he can't find his three sheep and he's blaming it on you, but he brought you guys to the courthouse, said that you used your witchcraft, you know, might've killed the sheep for some spells or something. And you got a lot, you know, There's a lot of evidence stacked against you. Someone claimed that they saw you two on brooms flying around. Our ears are bleeding. You're somehow broken free.

Sorry to burst into the courtroom, but I thought I smelled or I mean heard blood.

This is Tabasco sauce.

This is Tabasco sauce. This isn't blood. I forgot that I had a big breakfast.

Wait, aren't you the guy who friends all the horses? Quote, quote, friends.

I'm not on trial here. I'm a prosecutor.

Horse-friended man. We can't air Brooklyn Nine-Nine anymore, so we have to have a mid-season replacement.

We've got horse friends in me.

I didn't even know we had this show.

We've always had it. We've had this show since 1951.

Isn't there a show that's literally called God Friended Me?

Yes, that was the reference.

This was a half-mic pitch from Dalton Moonves for lessons like that, so they just kind of threw 100,000 at it.

Enough with Dalton.

Jeff Riley, thank you so much for joining us on Hey Riddle Riddle. You have your own great podcast. Would you like to talk about the review review? Yeah, thank you so much for having us.

This was so much fun. This was so much fun. But yeah, we have a review review on the Headgum Network. We have a different topic every week, could range from a restaurant, an item, a place, what have you. And we find the craziest reviews that people have left about those things. And we do improv based off of that.

Yelp, TripAdvisor, Amazon Products, Alibaba Express, and did I mention Google Reviews? Oh, damn.

So yeah. No, he didn't. He didn't until just now. What's that? They said you had mentioned it. No, you just mentioned it for the first time.

Come on, we're just trying to have fun.

Oh rhetorical, rhetorical.

Yeah, it's all good.

But yeah, new episodes every Tuesday and when we wrap this episode up, we're going to do an episode with y'all. So if anybody is interested, maybe that would be a good in.

Yeah, and then it's like you can go listen to that podcast, and then if you're listening to that podcast, we'll direct you back to this podcast, and then just keep listening to these two episodes forever. It's like the only content that you need.

It's like the snake that's eating its own tail. And the cycle will be complete.

It's like the snake eating its own tail, Aurora Borealis.

What's been your favorite review so far? I gotta know. Or like the thing that you reviewed. Ooh.

We did an episode on British pubs outside the United Kingdom.

I think that's my favorite. Mine too. There was a British pub in Paris that someone reviewed and they were mad because it wasn't open at 11 and so they had to wait by the Luxembourg Gardens and they were pissed about it.

They couldn't have like a Guinness or something.

Yeah.

That's incredible. Incredible. I had to waste my time at the gardens.

Um, Jape, anything you want to plug? Uh, no, not really. You can follow me at twitch.tv. So yes, they're with me.

No, except for this.

Just a thing that I've plugged every week. Nobody ever listens to this part.

I'll go next. Erin, anything to plug? Sure, Erin. Follow me, Erin Keif10, on Instagram for stuff there. Mm-hmm. And Adal...

Adal, his sound went out, so I'll go ahead and do Adal's plugs. You can follow me at Twitter and Instagram, at AdalRifai. And here's a list of podcasts that I've recently been on. Brothers in Business podcast. Sandwiches for Mayor, the podcast. Oh, shit. Sorry, Adal, go ahead.

I would like to plug our Patreon, patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle, a lot of good stuff over there. Also, check out our episode of Review Review. Was that already mentioned?

No.

No. First time. Perfect. And Erin, you left a weird review on a post-it on my wall. It was about something that was large and circular and had a moon or something. What was that called?

A hug? Adal's ass. Jupiter. Adal's ass. Adal's ass. It was Adal's ass. Jupiter.

Adal's ass.

Wolf swish. And John Patrick Coan. Casey Toney could be editing. Hey Riddle.

Okay, I'm ready. Erin's just reading a book this whole time.

I'm just reading Little Women and I'm like, this is so good, you guys. The artist way. I'm going to take myself on an artist's date by myself. I'm going to learn a lot about myself. I can't wait.