Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Welcome to Kids Bop, volume 47. Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me. I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. Anyone else? Any other kids? I was lucky.

He was a skater boy. He said to ya later, boy. He wasn't good enough for her. I'm brave, but I'm cowardly. I have a question. Why is the Kidz Bop guy so creepy? Why is his voice like this?

Oh, because he's one of the kid's dads and he's some sort of stage dad and he wants the best for his kid, but he's also Vincent Price. Okay.

Can I just do a Kidz Bop version of just the Hamilton soundtrack? I just want to hear kids say, southern motherfucking

My name is Hercules Mollin. You knock me down, I get the bag and fuck back up again.

I really stumble over my lyrics.

Yeah, I would watch a bunch of seven to nine year olds do Hamilton to their best of their ability. I'd watch that.

We were all too old for kids, Bob, right? Is that correct? You're never too old for kids. Trick question.

I do know that I'm Adal Rifai. I'm golden, I'm alone, lying naked on the floor. Like, oopsie on the floor. Lying in my swimsuit on the floor. We have to do kids bop lyrics for a Patreon episode, but replace all the naughty words with the funniest replacements.

I wanna thank you like a gentleman.

From the windows to the walls till my heart rate gets real high. Hey Riddle Riddle. This is a show, Hey Riddle Riddle. Oh yeah, oh yeah. This is a Hey Riddle Riddle. If you're the first time listening, it's Puzzies and Rizzies, Kevin Sizzies, and Solomon.

Everyone good? Yes. Everyone's great.

Don't shit all the shit like, yeah, doing good.

Great.

JP, good. Oh, hold on. Hold on. I almost forgot. I do have something I need to talk about, which is two days ago in the mail, I received something that is a goddamn mystery and I need to get to the bottom of it. And I don't know if it was one of you two. I don't know if it was a listener. Is it a cloak? It is not a cloak. I wish. I wish. I received in the mail something for my birthday. It was very late. It's a month late. Yeah, that's very late. But it's from the Principality of Sealand, or Sealand, and it's a registration deed that gives me the noble title of Baron Adal Rifai. And I don't know who sent me this. Wow, that looks legit as F. It was printed on a computer printer. It was mailed from Sealand, which I don't know where that's at, but attached was a note that said, happy birthday Adal, I hope no one else got you one of these. And there's no name attached. And I'm freaking out because I'm now a Baron and I looked it up online and this is not cheap.

Is that notarized or is it just a red sticker?

It's Noah-ized.

A guy named Noah. Okay. Now correct me if I'm wrong, Adal, and you did look this up, right? Is sea land that like sovereign nation that is a like oil rig in the middle of the water somewhere? Is that what it is? Okay. Okay. That's the, I'm thinking of the same thing, right? Sea land?

Yeah, I guess so. But here's the thing, the consequences of this are one, I'm baffled, and two, I guess from now on I'm a Baron. So I deserve all the formalities and all the niceties and all the goings-ons that go with being a Baron.

Is Baron less than a Lord?

I believe so. Do you ever see a Red Lord's Pizza? No, because barons get all the glory. So if the two of you would please address me from now on as Baron Rifai.

I think that Baron Rifai, I think that the prince or the dukedoms or whatever you get the baronies of Sealand is probably like the principal, like gag gifts is probably their principal in an economic engine. I think that's probably how they make all of the money.

Wait, wait, wait. They export those flowers that squirt water.

It's not just this guy's gift, it's all guy's gifts. They have like a big joke thing. So this island is basically Spencer's? Yes, Spencer's Island presents Sealand.

Alright well Adal, I am as we know a Countess.

Wait, who are you talking to?

Baron Rifai. Thank you. I am a Countess, a well-known Countess, and I just need you to know that being a Baron is not like nothing.

Thank you. Countess Keif. Countess Keif, thank you so much.

No, I'm just saying, you have to start being really fancy. And you know, barons can't make puns. Barons can't do little jokes and little wordplay games. Barons can't word associate. And barons can't sing Big King's Kidz Bop.

Erin, it would be unseemly for a Baron to go masquerading as a little badger in the magical land of food, would it not?

It would be unseemly, J.K.C.

That would be quite the ruin, of course. How do I choose? How do I choose?

A Baron cannot be cunt the badger. That is the first rule of being a Baron.

A Baron wearing flannel?

Well, I never. A Baron could never be a confidential. Okay.

No, I just want to know what friend is your guest?

Same thing, like who are you guessing for this?

I will say it was not me, so... I honestly don't know, but it seems like this level of gaggery and goofery seems like it would be someone Hey Riddle adjacent.

Adal, I had a great- Prison is Hey Riddle adjacent.

Me personally, and that both of them should be abolished. Me personally, Adal, I had a great idea for your birthday present and I researched it and it was too difficult to do and I was like, maybe Doug's dear.

What is it? Tell us.

So I was like, oh, I know for a fact that you can like order people cocktails, like delivered cocktails to their places. And then I went into your neighborhood and tried to find places that would deliver cocktails, but I couldn't find, I could find places for pickup that would, you could like go and pick up like, um, unmixed cocktails. But I'm like, I can't like go and pick up this thing. I was like, it was, you know, a month ago and also I was very worried about germs. Um, I was like, I don't want to like pick up a thing. And then, yeah, well, exactly. Uh, which still am by the way. Not over. You don't give a shit.

I was driving today. I actually had to go run something over to Adal's, which was not a cocktail.

Hey Riddle. It's okay. You're in your car alone. You don't have to be wearing the mask right now, but immediately I was like, he's going to think I'm the type of person that doesn't wear masks.

Well, that's why I've been wearing my mask as a beard while I drive. So if I see someone, I can pull it on up and everyone thinks that I'm doing it all right, even in my car alone.

Beautiful. We need to- That's very important. Japes, I just remembered the other day that you still have, I got you a gift card for a tattoo. So we have to figure out tattoos.

I remember that because when I was doing that 24 hour live stream, I was like, oh, you know what? One of the stretch goals should be to get a tattoo. And Mariah's like, don't make that a stretch goal. And it was a good idea because we blew past what that stretch goal would have been. So I would have had to get some sort of like shark tank tattoo that I'm really glad I don't have to have on my body forever. I just had this blonde mustache on my body.

A shark tank tattoo. What would you get?

Well, I don't know. So I guess I can show this to you, but Mariah has been custom designing my like twitch emotes and she made an emote that's a tank, like a, you know, a weapon of war. But the turret is taken off and it's just a shark with the end of the turret sticking out of its mouth. So it's a tank with basically a shark and a little turret on top. It's fantastic.

That's really cool.

I get that as a tattoo. I will say, speaking of gifts and tattoos and all that, I've been due to quarantine. I find myself most nights just looking online for stuff to buy because I'm like bored. I got Gemma, a thing where Broadway, like a week ago, last week maybe or two weeks ago, Broadway had this thing where like we're doing, it's kind of like cameo, but you have like a Zoom session with someone. So I bought her a one hour singing lesson with Ava Noblesada, the lead in Hamilton, the lead in Hadestown.

That's crazy.

So it's like for an hour she'll like teach you how to sing and stuff but I got that and then the next day I was like hey I got you this and she's like what the fuck and I was like yeah I'm just I don't know.

Sorry I'm addicted to shopping and I'm trying to fill a hole in my heart.

I think I mentioned this on Patreon but the other night I was like high and bored and I was like I'm gonna get Erin this equipment to teach her how to do the splits. It's like a stretching device.

That is a whole level of boredom if you're like, my coworker and friend mentioned that you want to do this puts to me a year ago. I have nothing left to buy.

I'm just like, what can I send people? We got a new throw pillow. We thought that was pretty exciting.

My therapist told me that that is one of the number one problems mental health wise during this quarantine is people over shopping.

Well, that makes absolute sense to me.

Because she says we're having so many exchanges and like purchases normally during the day and it's hard to slow your body down because you're not like going out buying coffee and going out and like... Hey Erin, I'll tell you this, some people certainly still are.

I've seen them, I've seen them walking with coffee cups they can wear.

Oh I'm sorry, normal people who aren't selfish lunatics are having a hard time.

Where the fuck could you possibly have gotten that coffee cup? Erin I will say Adal would have let your comments just wash over him like water off a duck's back but Baron Rifai is a little peeved because Baron Rifai is worth billions and so buying some gifts of sea bucks.

You add Baron to the front of your full name, forget it.

All right, well anyway.

Battle Rifai.

Barrattle. Barrattle, my wife. We have to get into some riddles and I want to give some, these are some special riddles that were submitted from listeners of the show. I've made the mistake before and been called out several times in my DMs. They are not fans of the show, they are listeners of the show. That's what I always say. Yeah, it's an important distinction to make.

I would love someone who's listening to every episode and they're like, I'm not a fucking fan of it. I hate this show, but I listen just in case.

They called me a fan. You guys, I'm a listener of the show and not a fan. So I get it.

I guess I listen to each episode two or three times and I am a listener. I will admit, I am a fan of all of us individually, but as a trio, no thank you.

I would love to support another project of yours. This is from Derek. Derek writes, and I want to include this message. A few months back, I woke up from a dream with a fully formed riddle in my mind. It goes as this. Round and round like the number eight, first go round, then go straight. What am I?

The number eight? The infinity sign? First go around then go straight.

The spaceship in the Martian where they have to go around Earth to get the Earth's gravity. Oh yeah!

Then to go straight back to Mars. The slingshot, yep. So Adal, you got it exactly right. The answer is, well, in my dream it was the infinity symbol. But my friend guessed race car track and that also works, so I guess it's not a very good riddle. That's their words, not mine.

Thank you so much, Derek, for sending that in. My second guess was going to be, and the riddle was, what goes around and then goes straight? Yeah, it goes something like that. What goes around and then goes straight. My guess was going to be somebody figuring out their sexuality.

Yeah, I mean, you know, it's a journey. Sure. So you're allowed to have different opinions at different times with your sexuality.

I did. I was working out the other day and while working out, I was in just like a fugue state and I thought of a joke and I told Gemma and she laughed, which was my report card is like a heterosexual Canadian. Straight A's.

Wow. And you were doing that while you were working out?

It was a light workout.

Did your muscles get any oxygen? Because it was all going to your brain, baby.

Also, no way you got straight A's. That's insane. Also, I just want to comment, there's no famous Derricks, right? So that tells you something. There's no famous Derricks.

Well, there's famous characters named Derricks.

Derek Zoolander, of course, number one for the bullet.

Derek Rose, the character from the Bulls.

Are there really no famous Derek's? There'd have to be some athletes named Derek that are famous. Derek Rose. Derek Jeter. And Jeter. Okay, so just know, you're right, I don't think I don't think I know of a single movie star or actor that goes by Derek. Yeah, so I mean, that's just telling. Or is it like perfect because now you can be the one Derek who's out? Like if your name is Derek and you want to become an actor, are you going to be the one Derek? Because there's a million fucking Jeffs and Chris's. Derek get into acting stat. Yes, get into acting stat. There's a couple of great Patreon episodes where if you want to learn how to act, I go patreon.com slash heyriddleriddle.

It only made me worse. It only made me worse.

All right, well the jury's still out of that. Okay, this next one is coming from Michelle. Michelle says, hey Adal, I don't know why you addressed Adal when I'm the one reading this email. It seems like a fuck up on your part. Also, it's Baron Adal, but we'll let that slide. Yeah, I guess we'll let that slide. This was written in 2018. These are some of the first riddles I remember and how much they puzzled me as a kid, and they said that they have been enjoying each episode of the podcast. So thank you so much. One of them is one that we've already done on the show, so I will skip right to the second riddle. Aww. He was correct, of course, but how did he know? He was correct. I love he was correct. Yeah, okay. He was correct, of course, because archaeologists are never wrong. Can you read it again? Two archeologists. Oh, Riverdale. Archeologists? Archeologists? We'll never get that word. In case you just drop it in clean. Enter a cave. They stumble upon a man and a woman frozen in ice. One archeologist says to the other, that's Adam and Eve. He was correct, but how did he know? Because they was eating an apple. One was eating an apple, and the other was eating a snake.

One was made from a rib, and the other was a dick.

With a leaf in front of it. I think that, yeah, one less rib would be a good guess, but I think it would be a little hard to see because they are, of course, frozen in ice, so they're not like skeletons.

So next to the frozen block of ice, was there like a work desk and they opened up the drawer and there's like the Bible? Like the writings of the Bible? Because we all know Adam and Eve wrote the Bible.

Adal, famously and canonically, has a great knowledge of Christianity and its inner workings. Adal, that is not correct.

It's not an apple thing.

Or a snake thing. It's not an apple thing and it's definitely not a snake thing.

Because they're labeled.

Do you think Adam and Eve... They're wearing t-shirts that say, I'm with Adam and I'm with Eve and they're pointing at each other. Can we say, if we rebooted Adam and Eve, would it be like, don't go to the Apple store?

I would like to see a scene. I would like to see a scene. JPC, you are Eve, Adal, you are the famous Adam, and you are a modern sitcom version of Adam and Eve that is on CBS.

Honey, I'm home.

Um, okay. That's the first time anybody has said that.

I just came up with it.

But I don't see any French bread. How are we supposed to make dinner? The Petersons are coming over.

Ooh.

Who the fuck are the Petersons? We're the only two humans. The Petersons are snakes, dearest.

Who is that making all those reactions? We're the only two humans.

It's a gorilla. What's a gorilla?

A gorilla is that creature that God made in our image, but kinda. What's creature and what's kinda?

Alright, it's gonna be a long night. What's a night?

I want ribs. Scene. I love the idea of doing a scene as Adam and Eve and just anything the other person says go, what's that?

Okay, but no. They're not wearing anything that would identify the other one as Adam and Eve. They don't have any props. There's no signage. It's something about their form. The form of them that clues them in to that it's Adam and Eve. They're transformers.

And their license plates said that. They're, like, dead? They're, like, laying down with an... They're, like... It doesn't matter where their bodies are positioned.

They died with shame.

They died ashamed of their bodies. They had original sin, so they are covering up their genitalia.

Ooh, cider, no. I want some hard cider. Original sin. Original, it's this book. It's sponsored by Original Sin. This book has this fulfill in front of the lives of humans. Live Studio Ambulance. This podcast is filmed in a Live Studio Ambulance. So, Japes, can I ask, in the world of this riddle, in this Riddleverse, was this actually the Adam and Eve from the Bible or just a Adam and Eve? This is the Adam and Eve from the Bible.

I think you just gotta tell us.

Hold on. The guy wasn't circumcised. No, it's something that you would find on only their bodies specifically that wouldn't be on any other human bodies.

Oh, do you think when Adam, oh my god, I just thought of something, when God took out that rib to create Eve, could Adam then suck his own dick like Marilyn Manson? He only took one rib, so he could probably only suck one ball.

I'm not really Catholic anymore, but this still feels like shit.

So, I don't think there's anything in the Bible against that. Does it have to do with their genitals or the ribs? It's not the genitals and it's not the ribs, no. But it's part of their now. Alright, let's have a clean fight.

No punching in the ribs or the genitals. I don't know, tell us.

Okay, so I mean, you may not know this, but I guess according to the lore, since Adam and Eve were created and not born, they would not have what is something that you- Belly buttons. A belly button, because they didn't have umbilical cords.

I can sing a belly button song again.

Please do. That's my belly button sound. Okay, so Erin is aware of belly buttons.

I am not. What is that?

You could have feigned some sort of vigorous there.

They're like Kyle XY.

Yes, I was going to say, the only other people, I didn't know if you guys would get that reference, I certainly barely get it. This could be was Kyle XY. Kyle XY and Fred. Kyle XY was a Disney family or ABC family.

I formed in my own spit, that's so funny. I certainly barely get that.

I'm less interested in what fucking network he was on and more interested in who is Kyle XY. Give me the lowdown. I think it's a television show.

I don't know. I think it's a television show. I think it was on ABC Family.

I don't care about, I know that it's a show. I know that it was on A Network.

Adal, let me do a crack at it. Adal, it was a television show. It was on ABC Family.

Or Freeform or one of like Disney kids or something like that. Anyway, we have to get to the next Riddle.

That's like saying, who's your mom? Well, she's a human. She was birthed and So Kyle, that's why he doesn't have a belly button?

I think he's an alien or he was an angel or something. Yes. It's like he's a teen who's got to like exist in the world. It was like an ABC family.

Now I have to see a scene. Erin, you are an alien. Japes, you are an angel. And the two of you are on a first date in Purgatory.

Sarah? Yeah, hi.

Hi. Oh, sorry. I immediately cut you off. You were saying.

No, I was literally just texting to my friend. This is a little premise heavy, but like, I'm so happy to meet you.

I was texting my friend from across the bar when I saw you, Jeff, who set us up. Thank God she, and literally thank God who created you, I assume. She's gorgeous.

Oh my gosh! And you believe in God?

I believe in a god. Yeah, maybe not necessarily.

We have a god on my planet. And it's an octopus.

Oh, interesting. Yeah, my god's more just like kind of a big cloud, white... I'm sorry, why did you bring Jeff to the date? I know he set us up but it feels like... My understanding was that you wanted Jeff at the date. I would not have brought Jeff. I think our wires got crossed. I was using Google Translate to translate out of Alien into Angel, if that makes sense.

Hey Jeff, you can go home. I think we got it from here.

I'm technically Jeff's legal guardian.

Angel. Alright, next riddle for real this time.

This next riddle is from Jonah and this is actually super cool because I don't know what this website is but Jonah sent us, says that they write riddles for fun. This is at JonahD on Twitter. The workers are going home. They write these riddles themselves, but they use this program called ROT13.com, which looks like it is a code translator that they sent. So they sent all of the answers as a code, and then you put the code in the translator and it gives you the answer to the riddle.

ROTC, I feel like a lot of my college friends join that.

Yeah, ROT-13. It's like ROTC but for Star Wars. Joining the Space Army. So this first riddle is... Sparmy, please. Sparmy. I'm lightning in the desert sand. I raised you from out of the mud. I'm sorry. I'm lightning in the desert sand. I raised you from out the mud. Beyond ancient mind and hand with raging veins of auburn blood.

What am I? I think I know this. This is the Lord of the Rings creatures, the urakai. They are born from the mud and they come out with throbbing neck veins. Real big, real scary.

And Adal, I'm looking at this menu and there is a change to it. Do you know what the change to this menu is? What? Okay, so you said urakai and there's a very famous line that the urakai say,

Oh, and my axe. Yep, that's it.

Meats back on the menu, boys. Is it glass?

It is not glass, Erin. Great guess.

That is one great thing. When lightning hits sand, it creates glass.

So it does. And you are correct. And I think that this thing... Yes, you're on the right track. That is correct.

I know that because of the movie Sweet Home Alabama. And we're going to play that song right now on Hey Riddle Riddle FM.

Give me two steps, give me two steps. Can I be vulnerable and tell y'all something? When I was 17, or maybe 16, my favorite album in the universe was Throwing Copper by a little band called Live. Lightning Crashes is the only Top 40 song that has the word placenta in the first 15 words. I would hope so. My placenta brings all the boys together. That's Katy Perry. Because baby your placenta works.

Yeah, exactly. That's her song.

Lightning crashes, girls are undeniable. I'm lightning in the desert sand, I raised you from out the mud, beyond ancient mind and hand with raging veins of auburn blood. Okay, raging veins of auburn blood. Is this like the Egyptian pyramids? This is very like flowery language to describe a very modern thing, I would say. Yeah, I'm sorry, this isn't a, the clue that they gave is not, I don't think it'll help you, but the clue is the first line alone could be the entire riddle.

And Erin's right, it's something that is... Born out of sand? Yeah. Born out of mud. So it was, I'm lightning in the sand? No, what was it? The exact line is I'm lightning in the desert sand. So I don't know much about history. I don't know much about biology. Don't know much about the French I took. But is neon like gas particles or sand particles bouncing around light? Is it something to do with like a neon sign? It's not a neon sign. I guess neon is like a gas.

Nevermind.

Is it oil?

Is it oil? It's not, it's not glass and it's not, you're on the right track that it's like a, I don't want to say chemical, but it's like a compound that is made. Is this something in my house? It's something, it's something in your house. It's something in the room with you right now. Um, like a light bulb.

Fuck. I need to go. I need to get my baseball bat. Something's in the room with me.

Like pipes in a house?

You can definitely destroy it with a toilet.

It's a toilet.

What do you think I'm sitting on, idiot? We all do.

Countess Keif is on her throne.

Boy, I think I might have to give this one to you because I'm not sure. It's pretty, it's pretty esoteric. Okay, let me give you another hint. So technically, now it's not, it's not something that you could actually see from where you are right now, but you're technically, you're technically staring at it right now. It's just inside of something.

Two fucking morons?

It's a computer.

And Erin, I want you to know that I'm talking about Japes and I. No, you're not.

You're not. Yes, I am.

He is looking at three people, so... No, you're left out of the moronady. Good save.

We're staring at it right now. So it would be like a computer screen. So it's not your computer screen, but it's something inside of your computer.

The World Wide Web.

Little magic people? I'm lightning in the desert sand, I raise you from out the mud, beyond ancient mind and hand, with raging veins of auburn blood.

Auburn College?

So the raging veins of Auburn blood are like the like reddish kind of lines inside of this thing. It's small, it's small, and it's getting smaller every fucking time.

Like a memory card or like a SIM card?

Erin, you're the closest. I'm gonna give it to you because I think that's the closest. It is a microchip. So the microchips are made, I think, from silicone, which is the... I'm lightning in the desert sand right there. You're telling me microchips have huge tits? I raised you from... What?

I'm looking at two morons right now.

I didn't say it, he said it.

I'm talking about me and Adal.

I'm looking at two morons right now. I'm talking about my own enormous tits. That's what I'm talking about.

Oh, Adal is in a silly goose mood, and I'm telling you all at home that he's in a goose goose mood. Adal's a goose goose.

Gemma's gone, so this is the first time in three months I've been home alone. I cannot wait for her to come back. It's not losing my mind. What Adal says, Gemma's gone.

What Adal says, Jim is gone. She did leave him. We're just glossing over that. He's at a really veritable state right now. No, she's working. In new flesh... I'm sorry. This is the second one. In new flesh I dance. In old flesh I sleep. I serve any master, but my prices are steep. Gas. What am I? Gas? Adal says gas.

Because when you're asleep you don't fart.

Read it again. The beginning is confusing to me.

In new flesh I dance, in old flesh I sleep. I serve any master, but my prices are steep. What am I? Uh, metabolism.

Uh, nicotine, caffeine, water, alcohol.

So this is something babies have, but elderly don't, maybe? Is that right? No.

A twinkle in your eye.

Does it have to do with human beings? It does not have to do with human beings. The answer is not anything that has to do with... No, the... Well... And you said you found these riddles scrawled on a gas station bathroom wall? Or how'd you get these? This... Jonah D on Twitter says, I write riddles for fun. The old fashioned, Tolkien-y, 30 white horses kind of riddles.

Okay, he's writing riddles for fun. Fun for who?

I'm not enjoying these. I think these are very esoteric. I think they're intentionally very hard to understand. Also, I got to say, Jonah, you included clues, but the clues that you included, I hesitate to read because they're so infuriatingly frustrating.

Oh, do it, please.

The clue for this, Riddle, is, and I'm assuming, and I don't know, I do not want to speak for Jonah, but I'm assuming it is to be delivered in a condescending fuck you tone, which is, what do we call very old flesh? Whoa. Yeah, that's the clue. Grandma?

We said synonyms, I'm kidding.

In new flesh I dance, in old flesh I sleep, I serve any master, but my prices are steep.

So what do we call old flesh? We call it dry aged ribeye, 65 days Kansas City beef.

Okay, maybe that, yes, maybe that Adal. I was really trying to understand what he meant by that, but I guess if you had like a really you would need this if you had like really dry beef or like really dry like a really maybe like an overcooked steak. A1 sauce.

I'm giving you I'm giving you I think the most hint that I could possibly give. You would need this if you have a dry steak you would need some sort of side dish or something to wash it down. How can you eat that steak? Knife and a fork.

Knife is the answer. What? I'm going to read it one more time.

Hold on. Yeah, yeah, hold on.

I'm going to read it one more time.

I don't even want to hear this again, otherwise I'm going to throw my fucking computer across the room.

No, you'll be fine.

No, you're a microchip.

I'm not yawning, you're imagining things.

In new flesh I dance, in old flesh I sleep, I serve any master, but my prices are steep. Hey, you know what? That's fine. The answer was knife. I guess that could be an answer to that. So what do we call old flesh is supposed to lead us to knife?

I don't know. I truly don't know. Oh, Erin, I believe you. What do you like about it?

Most of it.

Can we take a break? So thank you for submitting that, Jonah. And while we kind of ponder what we were supposed to knife, we're back to square one. What we're supposed to gather from that, we will take a quick break.

Hey guys, it's really, really sweet that you're letting me crash with you two for a little while.

Yeah, no worries. We know that you're a mess, so... I mean, yeah. As long as you like.

And I'm not trying to be a brat, but I just put on my jammies and I'm ready to watch TV, but I'm just a little bit hungry.

Okay, well if you're not trying to be a brat wise, your makeup done up like a brat stall. My jammies.

That was an accident. I'm just very bad at makeup.

Yeah, we can make you food.

I just want something that's specifically like fresh, high quality ingredients, super flavorful, and I want options like something that maybe is low calorie, vegetarian, family friendly.

Yeah, and we can absolutely provide that. Erin, I do just want to take a second to say how sorry I am that Sean turned into a car.

I mean, it was my fault. I got the ball rolling on that and I thought I wanted it and it turns out I didn't.

Erin, so much of this is so simple because you can just make HelloFresh. HelloFresh gives you pre-measured ingredients, mouthwatering, seasonal recipes delivered right to your door. It's America's number one meal kit and it makes cooking fun, fresh and affordable.

Yeah, and guess what? HelloFresh is committed to giving back. You know how Justin Timberlake is saying about bringing sexy back? I don't think he ever did. I think he was full of S. But HelloFresh is not. They're committed to giving back. HelloFresh is making fresh delicious food available now more than ever and has taken extra steps to keep its employees and customers safe. They donated over 2.5 million meals to charity last year and this year they're stepping up their food donations amid the coronavirus crisis.

It probably takes so long to cook and has a really long cleanup and I just don't want to do anything that takes super long. It's like probably super complicated, right?

Erin, it's like you're setting us up for these answers.

Don't get mad at me!

The answers are like the opposite of the things that you're saying. Because it's so easy. It's step-by-step instructions. They give you the ingredients. They tell you all the materials, the pans that you need to use. Basically all you need is salt and pepper and then you're good to go. And it is flexible. Okay. It fits your lifestyle because you can add extras like extra proteins or sides to your weekly order. You can easily change your delivery days or food preferences, or you can skip a week when you want. There was a week where a bunch of options had mushrooms in them. I don't eat mushrooms. I said, I'm going to skip that week. And then the next week, there was a week where there was like four really good options. I said, give me an extra meal. Send me all four. I want more food. And you can feed the whole family because you can switch between doing two meals or four meals for larger box sizes.

Okay. Fine. You've convinced me. How do I get it?

We don't know.

How will we know?

Well, no, hold on. Let me rifle through my papers here. Sorry, my house is a mess. Okay, you're going to go to hellofresh.com slash Hey Riddle 80. That's the number 8-0. Hey Riddle 80. And use code Hey Riddle 80 to get a total of $80 off, including free shipping on your first box. Additional restrictions apply. Please visit hellofresh.com for more details. Erin, I know you're going to ask for it again, so I'm going to go ahead and cut you off here. HelloFresh.com slash Hey Riddle 80. Use code HeyRiddle80.

Okay. All right. Now, can someone bring me ice cream and then put on a movie that's not too scary?

Actually, Erin, for all the money that you're going to be saving with HelloFresh, maybe you should just get your own apartment and then you can have delicious meals like the crispy Southwest Corn Fritters, which were so fricking good, or the sweet potato and poblado quesadillas whenever you want at your home. Yeah, last week.

I see what you're doing and it hurts my feelings.

Last week Gemma and I had curried chickpead bowls with golden raisins and pickled cabbage. Legit one of my top 10 meals I've had of the year so far.

And Adal, I don't want to step over you, but you did say that the bowls were chickpead? I've never chickpead a bowl, but if HelloFresh told me that it could be done, it could be done because their instructions are that simple.

I interpret things a little bit differently.

Well we know how much you make because it's also what we make, but say here as long as you like. HelloFresh.com slash Hey Riddle Lady.

Adal, Erin, I have some exciting news for you. Who's talking? Sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, let me take off my guard. Is that Kyle?

No, no, no. It's me.

I was in my more ninja guard, my stealth guard. It's JPC.

Oh, Japes.

So you guys know that I've been studying every form of martial arts. Taekwondo, Karate, Muay Thai.

You learn Taekwai. Taekwondo, right?

Yes, no, I learned the Homer Simpson type one though Which is where I slot myself on the head to intimidate my enemies, but I have some exciting news. I have this great new idea I'm gonna take all of those combat stylings and mesh them into one new style and I'm gonna call it all form. Huh?

We have good news and we have bad news.

I love to hear them both at the same time. Okay, well the bad news is that's Jeet Kune Do, which Bruce Lee invented, and it's also the name of the best sofa on earth. You know helix mattresses that we love? Yeah, I'm familiar, yes. Yeah, they have furniture now at Allform and it's, I don't know, for starters it's the easiest way you can customize a sofa using premium materials and it's a fraction of the cost of traditional stores. Does that make sense?

Yeah!

And you can pick the fabric and the color and you can pick the color of the legs and the sofa size and the shape so it's absolutely perfect for your home and we're not even at the best news yet, JPC.

Well for my thing, I was thinking that you could pick the color of the belt that you wear. Like it could be any color belt.

Your thing's stupid. Our thing is good.

You can pick the color of your sofa that you customize and it arrives at your door. You don't have to go anywhere. It arrives at your home. I got one of these. I told you about this. I told you it's my favorite couch I've ever had. It's the most comfortable. I got a double chaise and I put both chaise on one inch so I can have a little lounge area. You know, they have armchairs. They have love seats. They have eight seat sectionals. So you can sit yourself, Mariah Spaghetti and five other dogs.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, but how long does it take to arrive in the mail? Because I'm assuming they mail it to you, how long does it take? Because I will say, my thing takes just 10 years to master completely.

And this just takes three to seven days to arrive in the mail.

Okay, so they got me beat on that. So that's not good for my brand. What is your brand? It's all form fighting style. Look, okay, maybe all form fighting style, it won't work out. But I will say what is nice about my thing is my all form fighting style comes with a warranty. It is a one day warranty. If you use it to fight and it doesn't work, you can't take the fight back.

Allform has a forever warranty. Literally forever. A forever warranty.

Yeah, and you get a hundred days to decide if you want to keep the sofa. That's more than three months. And if you don't love it, they'll pick it up for free and give you a full refund.

Are you ready for the best news?

Let me ask you this question. Let me ask you, this is really important for my business idea. Does Allform already have a website built up and running?

JPC, it is so crazy because I feel like you keep asking what I'm about to say. This is the best news. This was the good news I was talking to you about. Allform is offering 20% off all orders to our listeners at allform.com slash riddle. That is allform.com, that's a website you're talking about, slash R-I-D-D-L-E. So they got all form- 20% off.

They got allform.com. See, that's the one I wanted, but since it was already taken, I just went with the list of all of the names in order. So my website is karatetekwendomoytibersliesthing.com and the promo code is slash riddle. There's no money off, but you tell them old JPC sent you.

I guess you got to go to the real allform to get an amazing sofa for 20% off allform.com slash riddle.

Allform. It just makes sense, eh?

And we are back in business and the business is doing more riddles on a podcast. We're going back to my favorite, an oldie but a goodie, the blue book that I know that you all hate so much.

And we're going out of business.

This is our going out of business sale. Everything must go including three dirtbag hosts.

Two morons and another one.

I do want to see a scene. Jason, Erin, you are the funniest store I can think of is like the Spirit Halloween store. So you two are employees or slash owners of a Spirit Halloween store. And because of quarantine, nobody's going trick or treating. So everything must go and you're trying to get people to buy all the costumes.

Hey, Josh.

Oh yeah?

What if we just like, I don't know, bought some of this stuff for ourselves? What if we just took it and said that we sold it?

Wait, you just want us to pay our own money for the costumes that we're selling?

Fine, it was a dumb idea. Do you have any better ideas? Trick or treating's freaking over, man.

No, I know, Sarah. I know when we went into business together, you told me that you had a strong business background. I just kind of want to make sure that you understand the fundamentals.

Yeah, I stood in front of a green screen that had a business behind it for a long time.

Great. That's now making way more sense to me because your plan was to purchase all of the stock we've already- Okay, I have another idea.

I have another idea. Let's rebrand all this stuff as Christmas stuff. Christmas witch, Christmas werewolf, Christmas spooks, Christmas scares. What do you think?

Christmas witch.

Uh, well, I mean... Yes, hello, welcome to Spirit Halloween.

Oh, oh, Halloween, sorry.

No, no, no, we're Spirit Christmas. Oh, I was looking for a Christmas gourd?

Oh, a Christmas gourd. Well, what about this Christmas gourd? Now it's a little different because instead of a gourd it has a glove and it has razor blades for fingers, but it is perfect for Christmas.

Oh, I guess in the window I saw some Christmas gourds, but I guess a glove with blades is similar.

And if that's not your speed, here is a Christmas gourd. And by Christmas gourd, we mean Christmas spider web. And you can put it all over your bush and it will look like a spider lives there.

Okay, you saw it in the window. You two don't know what a gourd is, I'm sorry. Here you go. It's a Christmas gourd. It's actually a Joseph Gordon Levitt costume from 5050 so it's just a you shave your head basically is the costume but once you do shave your head you glue all that hair to a friend's head and that's your... and if that's not your style...

Here is a Christmas gourd, and by Christmas gourd I mean slutty nurse costume.

I do want to hear more about the spiderwebs that go in my pube.

That's not what I said.

See? That's not what I said.

That is not what I said.

Can you imagine someone taking off their pants and they have spiderwebs in their pubes?

Those Halloween spiderwebs? That's no fun.

That's like the punchline to like any joke from the 80s.

That spiderwebs have been a while.

Alright, the title of this one is Wonderful Weather. A ship sank in perfect weather conditions. If the weather had been worse, the ship would probably not have sunk.

What happened? Was it a toy ship and it was on top of a frozen lake or something? Adal, no. No, okay. That was not correct. The ship sunk in perfect weather. If it had been worse weather, it would not have sunk? It probably would not have sunk.

Now we don't know for sure because this is a made up situation.

Because it was like half frozen over, and if it was full frozen over it wouldn't have sunk. Adal sort of just said that.

Yeah, Adal said toy ship in a little pond, but no, that is not the answer as well. It wasn't half frozen.

Have you guys seen Disney's Half Frozen?

Let's build up. Yep, I have seen it.

Let it go or don't. I don't care. It's just everyone half-assing it.

The wickedly talented Nadell. Okay, can you give me a hint? Because this one's annoying.

Oh god. Yeah, Erin, I think I can I think it definitely can give you a few hints for this one. See, this accident happened at night. No other craft was involved. And it happened in the winter. A ship sank in perfect weather conditions. If the weather had been worse, the ship would probably not have sunk. What happened?

What ship is made for winter weather? Because for that ship it was perfect weather. This is a real ship. This situation is ripped from the headlines.

Uh, well, I don't know that's how snow or ships work, but... You gotta believe me, I stood in front of a green screen of a ship for a really long time. I think if it had been snowing, I think if it had been snowing, I believe the ship would not have sunk. That is correct. Oh, I got it. Yes? Friendship. Adal. It is friendship.

When winter comes around, everyone gets moody, a lot of friendships are sunk. And if it had been warm out, people would not have that seasonal depression and they'd be fine.

They say, find you that winter ship to really just ship down with. No, it is not friendship. That is a wonderful answer. Which is a subjective value judgment placed by me, not by the Riddle book.

I don't think we're gonna get this.

Yeah, this is a tough one. Is there clues? I guarantee that you will get this. Adal, I did read all the clues. The accident happened at night. No other craft was involved. The accident happened in the winter. I can give you some additional clues. You both know the name of this ship. Titanic. Yep, it is the Titanic. The ship was the Titanic. The ship hit an iceberg on a fine night when the sea was very flat. If the weather had been worse, then the lookouts would have been seeing the waves hitting the iceberg or heard the iceberg. Icebergs make groaning noises when they move. Unfortunately, the iceberg wasn't seen and the rest is herstory.

So I want to see a scene. So we all know Jack and Rose are the famous couple that was canonically on the Titanic. Draw me like one of your French girls. So Jack and Rose were the epitome of like romance and young love on that ship. We're gonna see the two of you and you are brack and lows. So you're like Jack and Rose but like way less romantic, way less charming or good-looking and you're both like you're not young and we're catching you on one of your heated moments.

I think what I did was I pinched myself in the groin region with my belt when I was sitting.

I don't care what you say. You're not getting on this door. You're going to wait in the water. There's no thing that you could say that's going to elicit sympathy from me.

I have a groin injury. Let me on the door.

No, I'm on the door. It's family owned laws.

Excuse me, I'm in one of the life rafts. I think he could both fit on that door. No, no.

That gentleman, that gentleman, I do not like his look. I do not like his mustache.

I do not trust him. We'll wait for the next one, mustache. Okay, mustache. Wait for the next door. Yeah, for the next story to come along.

If I could feel down into the water, I would be checking for my wallet because I do not like the look of that gentleman.

I did not like his mustache.

I do not care for the mustache.

And you'll die in that water before I do, I swear to God. One of us is dying and it's not low.

You know what? I can't wait to die because when I die, I'm sinking straight to the bottom, I'm going to the devil, and I'm telling him that you bleach your teeth.

Not if I die first, not if I die first, I'll tell the devil you'd bleach your teeth.

First of all, I don't bleach my teeth, I kiss you after you bleach yours, I get residual bleach, but it is not, it is, you know what?

Lucky you, you're like the little bird that's inside of your crocodile. I'm sorry? Die in the bottom of the Atlantic.

Same. Like the little bird with a crocodile.

Absolutely. Thank you. This next scene suggestion, also called a riddle, is called material witness. In the fabric shop, the curtains are neatly arranged by style. The floral patterned ones are in a section marked floral. The plain ones are in a section marked plain. And the striped ones are in a section marked striped. But one pair with vertical blue stripes is not in the striped section. Why not? I'll take you to the fabric shop.

I'll let you pick some curtains out. That's a Kidz Bop 50 Cent. So we have to assume this isn't a fabric shop, Erin. We have to assume that this is Joanne's fabric. And we know Joanne likes her drink. So I think she was just drunk and misplaced the stripes.

Yeah, there's one Joanne that works at every Joanne's fabrics and she's drunk off her tits and she is messing shit up in there.

Did you say drunk off her tits?

And if you don't know, if you work at the Joanne fabrics and you don't know that Joanne, look in the mirror because it's you.

If you can't spot the Joanne at the bugger table, it's you.

I love the idea of painting the picture of a very specific person at a workplace and then being like, and if you can't find them, it's you.

She's cutting diagonally on the fabric. She doesn't give a fuck.

So is this like seersucker or like what's the, is it a different, so it's vertical blue stripes. Is it vertical blue stripes or did you say? It is vertical blue stripes. Vertical blue stripes.

And Adal, what's interesting about the guest's seersucker is it's not correct, but when I listen to the podcast, I hear sucker when I hear your freaking voice, my man.

I see one sucker and two morons.

Long way to insult me, but I'll take it. Baron Rifai accepts all insults. Uh-oh. DMs are closed. No, no, no, please. I can't take it.

Yeah, okay. They're not flowers. There's no flowers on the stripes.

No. Just vertical blue stripes. I'm assuming if it's vertical blue stripes, it's also like blue and white, basically. You could also say white stripes in a blue background.

Can I have a hint?

Erin, not only can you have a hint, but I'll give you probably three. Wait, can I also have those hints? I will actually give you one, there's only one hint to this. So, usually there's three, today there's only one. They are perfectly normal curtains and not special in any way. Perfectly normal and not special in any way. But I would love to say that isn't some degree of specialness in your normality as well? Everyone has something special about them and everyone is also very normal. And the things that we experience make us part of the human condition.

Fuck you. And these curtains maybe are no different. These curtains don't run.

Everyone's phones just burst into flame after you said something earnest for the first time in the history of your life.

The curtains are neatly arranged by style. Floral patterns in one section, plain in another section, striped in another section, but one pair with vertical blue stripes is not in the striped section.

Why?

God, why?

Because it's in the shower curtain section.

Erin, that's a really fucking great guess. And I would love it if a fabric shop also had shower curtains, too.

Isn't plastic a fabric?

Everything's a fabric to be shopped for. Erin, I think that's a wonderful guess. No bullshit. That is not the answer here. But the way that your mind is functioning right now is the exact way that will lead you to success solving this riddle.

Okay, so I'm going to check out then.

It's the store's curtains. Ah, Erin!

My dear.

Did I get it? Oh, you're joking.

You got it exactly right. Did I? These curtains are not in that section because they are the curtains that the store has on their windows.

Adal, I got it.

Can I say, and this is, I'm being fully sincere, to solve a riddle in the Blue Book is like drinking from the Holy Grail. So if solving a regular riddle is like one point, Erin just got a thousand points. Erin, I've never been prouder of you. Now of the night. I love you. I love you, Japes, as well, and I'm going to bed.

Oh, we still have a good 10, 15 minutes left of the show.

No, no, no, I'm good. I'm good.

Hey, we're recording more stuff tonight. Good, good, good.

God speed, Nicole.

Good night. I'm just glad that Jim is coming back in a day. All right, you guys ready for this next one? Yes. Denise died at sea while Harry died on land. People were pleased that Harry had died and even more pleased that Denise had died. Why was that?

Oh, did you switch the email that we got and you switched it with Erin and Adal? You switched the name?

Okay. The reason they were pleased with Harry's death and even more pleased with Denise, Denise's death is a little thing called schadenfreude.

I'm sorry, Denise died at sea, Harry died on land. They were pleased about Harry but even more pleased about Denise.

Okay, I know this one actually.

They're fish.

Erin, they're not fish, I don't believe, but I do think there's something called hurricanes.

Hurricanes, hurricanes, hurricanes everywhere.

Adal, you are wrong, Erin. They are fish. People hate fish and canonically when they die, people celebrate. And sorry, James, I want to revise my answer.

I wanted to say they are Herman Cain.

They are Dean Cain. No, Adal is correct. They are hurricanes. People are happy when the hurricane dies on land, but even more pleased when Denise died at sea.

I want to see a scene. JPC, you are a hurricane. Adal, you are a man who lives in a lighthouse who's telling the hurricane to go away.

Sorry, but you need to go. You need to go back out to sea.

Oh, come on, man. No, we had our flash.

No, no, no, we had our fun, but now you need to go. Here's some money for your troubles and uh... Well, that money blew away. You did that.

Look, look, look. I appreciate it, but I'm so, like, we had fun. I am a spit. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I came in at a category four. I'm in category 2.5 right now. Let me just crash against the lighthouse, fucking rip everything up for the night, maybe a little bit into tomorrow, and then I'm gone.

If you're gonna go inside, could you die down a little bit?

Uh, how about this? How about this? I will, it will seem like I've died down a lot and then a little bit later it's gonna get way worse again.

I have to insist you have to go. And also, you should see... Wait!

Honey! I'm back from my trip. Who is this?

Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off, fuck off. Get out of here.

Is this a hurricane?

No, no, no, no.

Trying to kick away Hurricane with my foot.

You know what hurricane? I don't even care. He's been seeing tornadoes and mudslides and all sorts of shit. So you know what? Just go ahead. Go be with the hurricane. I don't even give a shit.

Wait, are you serious? Tell me you haven't been with one of those fucking tropical storms.

I have had many Adalians with many a tectonic plate and all sorts of nature all the other. You motherfucker. You know what? Well that's one thing I haven't done.

You know what? I'm assuming your name's Diane.

Yes.

Because you're a wife. Yes. You want to come with me? I'm going to go, you know what? Fuck this place. Fuck this lighthouse. I'm going to Tahiti. I'm going to destroy it. Would you like to come with me?

I would love to come with you later, Adal.

What, are you two driving a convertible off a cliff?

That's exactly what we're going to do.

That's exactly what. Oh man, hurricanes. Beauty's in the eye of the beholder. Okay, here you go. This riddle is called Machanical Advantage. I'm saying that right. Machanical, in case you just dropped it in clean. A driver had a problem with his car in a remote area miles from the nearest garage. He stopped at a little candy store where his problem was quickly solved. How? He had diabetes. His car had diabetes. He had a Wilford Brimley car with a bad case of dubitus. Adal, that is incorrect. So a guy had a problem with his car? It's either incorrect or it's inconsequential to the... His car wasn't starting?

What was the problem with his car?

It doesn't say. It says the driver had a problem with his car.

His rearview mirror came off. He needed to go buy gum, chew some gum, stick it on the rearview mirror, and then have it... That's a great answer.

Let's see if that is the right answer. That sounds plausible.

I'm gonna guess it's now.

It's not no. Did he replace his fan belt with like taffy? It is correct in that gum is the solution but not to his problem. So I'm gonna give that one to you. I think that I will give that one to you. Does his car run on gum? Yeah, so Adal got it. Sorry, Erin. Yes, it's a gum car.

A gum car would move so slow.

Six feet of gum car, for me, not them. Adal, no, would you guys like to guess what he used the gum for? It wasn't to fix his mirror. It says he bought several packs of chewing gum, chewed them, and then fixed the- Is it to stick something? Stick the four tires on? It's not to stick the tires on that.

To keep the hood shut.

I would love to be stranded on the side of the road with Adal, and he's like, what about putting gum on the tires to stick them back on?

How do you put cotton candy in the tank? No, it's not that. Is it something to do with wires? Like the battery wires?

It has to do with wires. It has to do with the weather. I will say it's raining very heavily.

The windshield wipers? No, it's not the windshield wipers. So how does gum help deflect rain?

Well normally, if you're in a car, you're probably not going to get rained on.

Oh, he's gummed to stretch it out because he's an inconvertible.

Yes, he bought several packs of chewing gum. Adal thinks we existed a cartoon. He thinks reality's a cartoon.

JBC, the blue book sucks so bad, you can't be mad about our answers.

I'll never forget the time when Adal and I was giving Adal a ride and we drove into a dead end and he was like, I'll fix this. And he got out of the car, painted a big tunnel. I was literally going to say the same thing.

Towards the tunnel. It hit right into the tunnel.

We went right through the tunnel. We came in at the other end. It was perfect. No, it was a leak in his roof. He chewed the gum and then he plugged the leak in his roof with the gum. Adal, I want to see a scene with you and Erin. So Erin was giving you a ride. Your car, Erin's car has broken down. And Adal, you have nothing but non-helpful solutions to how to fix the car.

Oh my god, and it's pouring. Oh, of course.

Oh, sorry. I parked back there. I saw that you were broken down. What's going on?

Hey dude, um, yeah, you just like, you seem really nice. You just have like a little bit of a spooky energy.

Oh, because of this hook for a hand?

Yeah, and it's holding a lantern, an old-timey lantern, so it's just sort of like a hat and a hat.

Oh, yeah, you noticed my two hats, huh?

Yeah, it's a lot going on.

I'm a dad and a chef.

You got an eye patch on both eyes, which is like sort of... Who said that? What? Oh, I see. I get it.

It's just a little missing eye joke. Have you tried kissing the muffler?

Sorry?

Have you tried kissing your muffler?

Oh, you did say what I thought you said. What would that do?

Might, might help. You know, you have to treat a car like you treat a horse. You have to relax it. Maybe put some salt in the exhaust pipe.

You would kiss a horse's ass?

Sure. You've never done that?

Okay, I think it's just like a flat tire.

Okay, well let me get your number. And a smile?

Can I get a smile? It's funny, cause that's the hell we live in.

At improv, we think, we're like, how do we take an unredeemable character and make him worse? Have him ask for a win.

I definitely got the sense. I'm like, Erin doesn't want to play with this character. So I'm like, how can I make him just absolutely the worst? Blam, blam, blam.

Okay. This is the last one for today. A politician made a speech that saved his life even before he gave the speech. How? Made a speech that saved his life even before he gave the speech.

He, uh, I don't know.

Last night, a DJ saved my life with a speech. DJ Tanner on Full House. Speech about drugs. Um, politician gave a speech that saved their life. Was it something where like someone was about to stab them and then because it was televised, they didn't want to be identified or something? Does it have something to do with like cameras and being televised?

It does not have anything to do with cameras, but I just love the idea that someone's like, someone backs off because they're like, I'm telling you.

My mom is watching. Yeah.

I don't want people not to get their news. He's a politician. It's a man from history, my dear boy, making a speech that saved his life even before he gave the speech. Let me give you a couple of clues.

He was supposed to be somewhere else.

Did something fall in a spot? No, and also someone did, to Adal's credit, make an attempt on this gentleman's life.

It's William McKinley. It's Reagan.

Reagan got shot, right?

Reagan did get shot. Or he got shot at or something. Is it something where, like, if this president had made a shorter speech or a longer speech, they would have, like, made their train and that train crashed or something? Is it one of those hyper-specific historical things?

It's not a train crash. No, no, no. So it is also, I will say, that someone did make an attempt on their life. So it does have something to do with, like, a... FDR? It's not FDR. It's an assassination attempt on this person. So an attempt. So it's not Lincoln. Well, a politician made a speech that saved his life, even before he gave the speech. Okay, so.

Is it a president?

It is a president, Erin. Yes, it's a president.

The only politicians we care about. This politician gave a speech that said CPR should be, everyone should know CPR, and then later he was shot in the throat and they, they Heimlich'd his throat up.

Reagan.

Yeah, they say that when you're shot in the throat, the only thing that could stop is CPR.

There was an attempt on FDR, McKinley, Reagan, Kennedy, Lincoln. There's one more?

There's more. Yeah, I think there was actually a couple more.

You want a clue that won't help? Yes. It was in 1912. Ok so 1912, well here's where you fucked up my man, cause I know all the presidents. So going backwards we have Trump, Obama, Bush, Clinton, other Bush, then we have Reagan, then we have Nixon, Jimmy Carter, and the others.

I love your president's talk.

I'm embarrassed and I feel like I should know this. Is there another hint you could give us that might help?

Teddy Roosevelt.

Teddy Roosevelt.

It is Teddy Roosevelt, but now we need, but the question isn't who this was. The question is what happened.

So, so how did it, it's a speech where you said, um, speak softly, but carry a big stick. Content of the speech doesn't matter. Speech saved his life before he even gave it. That doesn't make sense. I know. How could it, Oh, is this like, um, is this like precogs? What's that Tom Cruise movie? Yes, this is Minority Report. Thank you.

So Teddy Roosevelt was the first founding father of the Minority Report Department.

I want to see a scene. Erin, you are president in 1912. You're not necessarily Teddy Roosevelt, but you are the president in 1912. You're about to give a speech, but then you go to a spooky fortune teller, played by Japes, who gives you some unnerving advice.

Hello, I'd like to get some advice on Scoot-a-dooby-dooby-benz-president-a-pot-a-never-pan, chicken and pot, and lots of good men before me, and there will be after.

Yes, yes. I can read your fortune.

By the way, the cocaine in the lobby is not complimentary. It's just my lobby cocaine.

Damn it all the hell in a hand basket. And I'm sure that there was Andrew Jackson before me and John Adams and John Quincy Adams. Yes, of course.

Two of the greats.

Thomas Jefferson, some other people, all garbage people. I'm the first good one, OK?

Come on in. Yes, please, please come on in. Ah, yes. Oh, no, no.

No! No! What is it? Is a woman gonna be president one day?

No, I'm sorry, from out the window, I saw someone trying to kiss a horse to the butt.

I'm killing your horse.

Oh, my horse.

Read us, read us the information.

Read us, read us. Here's a little history lesson. Teddy Roosevelt killed that girl. The politician was Teddy Roosevelt, the American president in 1912 in Milwaukee. He was shot in the chest. He was saved because the bullet was slowed as it passed through the folded In a recent manuscript of the speech in his breast pocket, he went on to make the speech later on that same day that he was shot. Let me try to see if I can do this for you guys. Back in the olden times, they had to print everything on paper.

Owee, owee, owee too much.

Oh, I'm sorry. Let me see if I can explain this in a different way.

Oh, is this when Steve Gutenberg invented the press? Okay, hold on, how do I do this?

Kyle XY is a show. Who is that? Okay everyone, this is gonna work.

Okay, Adal. ABC Family.

A, B, C, family. And that brings us to the end of our little show. I hope you've enjoyed our little dance, our little play for you. We're like kids putting on a sketch show for their parents. A little sketch. Yeah, and that brings us to the end. Then we put a little hat down on the floor and we say, mommy, daddy, did you like it? Do you want to get back together? Yeah. Erin, do you have anything that you would like to applaud?

Just follow me, Erin Keif 10, on Instagram for stuff over there and Erin Keif 2 on Twitter for the very limited stuff over there. Adal?

I have a new Tumblr that you can follow. It is called errandsneck.com. It's all pictures of the side of Erin's neck. Sometimes her skin is tan, sometimes it's not so tan, and it's just kind of fun to see her hair kind of swoop against it.

And you're gonna hear the FBI come to your door in five, four, three,

Hold on, there's a knock at the door. Excuse me sir, I'd like to give you the Medal of Honor.

Thank you FBI. Japes, anything to plug? Was the FBI that was coming to his door the Female Body Inspector's Medal of Honor? Because that's Erin's neck. Yeah, don't go looking for that. I'll use my plugs to cancel Adal's plugs, we'll do. That's something that we can't do and we do do most weeks. I'll just say that I'm doing Twitch streaming, so you can come and check me out on Twitch. I stream like almost every day. And it's Sharkbarkman on Twitch, so follow me over there. Erin, in 1912, the president of the United States was almost killed during a solar eclipse. Ah, but it wasn't the sun that was eclipsing. It was?

Men will be president forever. Jupiter!

Bye forever! Hey if you like that, you're going to love this week's Patreon episode, it's another return to Hey Relationship Relationship. If you want to hear that plus all of our bonus content, just go to patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle, join the Clue Clue for $5 or the Review Crew for $8 and get all of our back catalog.