Hey, this is Adal and JPC and Erin. We wanted to take a moment before the episode to dedicate today's show to Amy Janvier, who passed away on Wednesday, July 1st. I only knew Amy for a few months, but I can say with confidence that she brightened every room, even the digital ones that she entered. Amy believed that ecology and entomology could save people and the planet through pollinator conservation and propagation, and her fianc Eric has set up a fund to memorialize her. If you can donate, we're going to link the GoFundMe in the show notes. I'm personally just so saddened by this sudden loss, but I know that my life is forever brightened by having known Amy and countless others are the same. So now, our silly comedy podcast I hope you enjoy.
This is a HeadGum podcast.
Erin, thrusters go. What? Japes, Japes, dump fuel. Oh, I just took a big dump fuel. Erin, toggle the wingspan.
Okay, spaceship button, button sounds.
Japes, bleep the blorps. Oh, sorry, Erin, make the Sundays.
Okay, all right. Well, hold on. Do you like bananas or whipped cream?
Whatever you want. Well, that's a split. Japes, meet the Fockers. Hi spaceship fucker, can you go hyper my drive?
Our spaceship, we crashed.
I'm Adal Rifai. Hey Riddle Riddle, a convoluted beginning to an easy premise. Every week we are Kevin's and Susie's. We are solving riddies and puddies. If this is your first time, welcome. Grab a seat. Pop a log in the fire. And what I mean by pop a log is that's what I call my dad. Pop a log. And let's solve some riddies and puzzies. How's everybody doing so far?
So far in this episode or in life? In life. I'm great. JBC, you are not looking like the freshest of daisies. Tell us about your 24-hour live stream.
Oh, well, it was, canonically, it was over a week ago, a week and a half ago, but just for purposes of discussion, I'll talk about it as if it just happened two days ago. I did this. I made a plan after my 24-hour Twitch livestream, which went very well. We raised over $10,000. That's amazing.
For the Chicago Community Bond Fund, which is very awesome. I was blown away. Our goal was $2,000, so we beat it by like five times that.
Wait, you said this is $10,000 for Chicago Community Bond Fire?
This is the Chicago Community Bond Fund. This is a fund to get James Bond recast and re-shot as a Chicago accented guy. Hot dog, shaken, not mustard. I'll have a martini with no ketchup on it. No, Chicago Community Bond Fund is a bond fund to help bail people out of Cook County Jail as they're waiting to pay their bond. In many cases, they can't afford to pay their bond. It's a great cause, but after the 24-hour stream, I was like, I want to make sure the next day I help get myself back Hi everyone.
And it's worth saying that somebody donated money for you to shave your facial hair in a way that they saw fit. So currently you look like the lead singer of Motorhead, I forget his name, but you look like the sweet, sweet Ace of Spades. And also, I donated $100 and my reward is that I get to choose what you wear for the next Hey Riddle live show. That's true.
My suggestion was like a $5,000 tux and then make him get like a really fancy haircut and just make him look so fancy because that's not really your thing JPC. You like cut off tees and backwards tux.
It's 100% true. Right now I'm thinking tux on top, diaper on the bottom.
Full disclosure. So, Tux On Bottom and Diaper On Top.
Yeah, that's exactly what I'm saying.
Adal came on maybe 17 hours into me playing, and then he was like, hey, how much did it cost for me to do this? I was like, $100, I'm so tired, you can make me do anything.
And then Erin texted me at like 4.30 AM and was like, hey, I was just watching the stream and saw you two are both on. And so I called Erin and we had a secret mini episode of Hey Riddle Riddle that lasted maybe 30 seconds.
Well, I went on to watch and I was like, oh, this is so nice. I'll just fall asleep to them playing this game. But because you were in my head, I had a horrible nightmare about the two of you. And then I woke up and I was like, I gotta text Adal.
Also like a fool in that livestream I did not set stretch goals because I didn't know how much money we would raise and we blew past the target like two and a half hours in so I had to like come up with stretch goals on the fly and something that someone suggested was for five thousand dollars I should die my mustache bleach blonde and so I ordered a bleaching kit and hopefully we'll be able to post some pics soon of me with a bleach blonde mustache.
So is the proper term dye my mustache bleach blonde, or is the proper term to bleach my mustache blonde?
You're right. You could probably use bleach as a verb there. I will bleach my mustache. And then I will not be dyeing it any other color.
Well JPC dodged this question off air, so I'm going to ask it again. How much money do I have to pay him to bleach his hair and his mustache and then dye both fire engine red? And he dodged the question.
Technically, it's going to be $1,600 total because the first $800 is going to be for me to drink a 1.5-ounce shot of my own urine.
I'm going to need that just to get lubricated up for the dye job.
1,600 total. We're going to get started here in just a second with some actual warm-up riddles. But I will say, just mentally in the last 30 seconds, I thought of two costumes I might have you do. One would be either with me or someone else. You would come out in a two-part horse costume. And we'd probably pop a little police hat on that horse. And then the other one was for me to have you dress up like an Olympic figure skater, like a Johnny Weir sort of like really intense, bright outfit with actual skates.
Both of those would be very fun. I would love to see me record a podcast as the back half of a horse though. I think that would be just like cutting a hole in the horse's stomach.
If it makes you feel any better, that's what I see when I look at you.
I'm ready for some more. Adal, are you good? Are you okay? How's your life? Are you okay?
I'm good, yeah. I'm trying to think. I had some sushi today. Life is good. Great. I can't remember a single thing else about the last two months.
I have no idea. I just don't know.
The last two months have been song number two and that they were an absolute blur. Let's get into some warm-up riddles. These are some of my favorite things to do, which are called Hank Pinks for anyone who does not know or as a refresher for our two co-hosts.
Hank Pinks are a Victoria's Secret brand. You can get little sweatshirts that say Hank Pink on them or like on your butt in a sweat pant. Yeah.
So we're all dressed as angels. This is going to be a clue, and the answer to this clue is going to be a two-word answer that rhymes. So for example, a brain teaser about a violin would be called a... puzzle puzzle. puzzle puzzle was a bear. A brain teaser about a violin would be called a blank blank. This is another word for violin.
And here's where my musical knowledge... Oh, okay.
...or lack of show. I understand. I don't know if this is a... Oh, Riddle Fiddle.
Yes, it is a riddle fiddle. Sorry, J.B.F. No, I don't think a fiddle... Is a fiddle a violin? I don't think a fiddle is a violin, right? I think it's a close... The devil went down to Georgia.
The devil went down to Georgia. He was looking for a soda steal.
He was in a violin. He played a violin in Irishman. He fell in love with an Englishman.
So, legally, you can call it violin faddle. If you're eating some caramel popcorn with nuts, that is violin fiddle. Yikes. Here we go to the next one.
I was like, what is that noise? And it was my dog eating a receipt on the ground. Sorry about that. Let's keep going.
Fiddle, by the way, a fiddle and a violin are the same thing.
They're the same four-stringed instrument, generally played with a bow, strummed or plucked.
So the devil had a golden violin.
I think the fiddle is associated with Cajun bluegrass country type of music, and I think the violin is for nerds.
Here's the next one. A dry mix for making a thick clam soup. Thick clam soup. Dry mix.
Flour chowder. Okay. You have one of those words, right? What was it? Flowder chowder. How do people even, like, people must be shocked about the dumb stuff that comes out of my mouth. Powder chowder.
The answer is chowder powder bingo bango ha ta ta. Flowder chowder.
Can you believe it? Can you believe I've made it, I've lived this long?
Hey, you're only a fifth of the way through. The next one is a meal with bad manners. A meal with bad manners. Breakfast. Sinner dinner. Close.
Lunch punch. Lunch punch. Lunch punch.
Erin, who bullied you in grade school?
I'm so sorry. Mostly everyone, including myself.
Did I get any of those words right, Adal? So far, none of the words are correct. A meal with bad manners. And this is a very broad term. We don't have to be so specific as lunch or dinner. Much more broad term. Um, a meal. Meal would be eat food. Yeah, yeah.
Food. Rude food. Rude food. Rude food. I want to see a scene. Oh, no. Oh, no. Flowder chowder. Erin, you are waking up in the morning and you come downstairs and your parents have made you a steaming hot plate of breakfast. You got some omelets and some pieces of bacon and whatnot. And as you go to tuck into it, Japes, you are the food and you're going to be a little cranky this morning.
All right. And here we go.
Hey darlin', could you do us a favor and maybe brush your teeth before eating?
I'm good. Why would I brush my teeth before I eat? I'm gonna brush my teeth right after I eat.
Well, she says, but I- me thinks that that protests too much.
You're my bacon. Are you roasting a teenage girl right now?
I'm roasted bacon, so yeah, you better get used to it, sister.
You know what? I'm gonna mix coffee and orange juice and not brush my teeth, and then I'm gonna eat you.
Okay, I hope that you do. And maybe then you'll be meeting my cousin, Diarrhea. That's a recipe for disaster.
Bacon's cousin is Diarrhea.
Sure, we're all... related you don't tell me how to live and don't tell me about my family oh what if I don't eat you huh okay if I throw you in the garbage oh sure you want to be that kind of young lady who's just gonna throw her food that your parents worked so hard for in the garbage okay what if I put you in a healthy salad oh yeah we both know that's not gonna happen
It was really mean. I would like to see my scene. Adal, you are this rich, fancy, old man business man and you live in a mansion on a hill with your one son.
I live on a wife with my hill.
And you're one son and you are one of those really, really long, fancy tables and you're both trying to figure out what the heck you can talk about. JBC, you'll be playing his son.
Phineas, my boy. How goes it?
Yes, Father. All is well. Yes, war is hell. You're right.
War is hell. How's business, Father? Biscuits are good. They could use a little more gravy, but the biscuits are mostly good. Now, tell me about schooling.
Oh, yes. I guess I don't know mechanically how cooling works, but I think cold water is pushed through pipes, and I think that helps cool down the turbines of the engine. Father, tell me, did you get the birthday present that I sent?
Oh, I guess we can talk about your birth. Your mother was dilated. We called her a telephone because she was so dilated. It was 4.27 a.m. on a Tuesday brisk morning, and you came out screaming and wailing, and of course you had your umbilical cord wrapped around your wrists, but not in a bad way, but in a fun sort of like festival way.
I love you. I don't know whether we're going to find elephant glue at a time like this.
That was exactly what everything I dreamt it would be. Thank you. Thank you. I sometimes think the scenes you two are just little gifts to me.
Everything we do, we do for Kiki. Let's just do a couple more of these. We might as well. We're here. Next one, a disheartened feeling about classical dance. A disheartened feeling about classical dance. Bummer strummer.
What's a classical dance?
Well, now I have to see a scene. This will be a very short scene. Erin, you are a discouraged tango instructor. You are teaching your class, but this is definitely like your exit. You're fed up and you're using this last class as sort of your platform to disparage tango.
As you know, I teach this couples ballroom dancing class, but recently I just went through a divorce. So it's a little bit tricky. For me to teach you these dances, but I'm gonna give it the old college try. I stole a mannequin from Nordstrom Rack. I made him a little mustache on his face, and he's gonna be my new partner today. We're gonna see how that works out. How about that?
Okay, as long as we can learn the stuff from Moulin Rouge like you promised.
Yeah, we just, my husband and I really just want to learn the stuff.
Oh, your husband and you. This is how you said, my husband. I have a husband.
I went through speech therapy for five years just so I could say husband, right? I really don't appreciate being husband.
Oh my gosh, if I have to hear the word husband one more time, I'm going to scream. All right, you're going to put your left leg out. You're going to try not to think about the woman at the ice cream parlor that your husband left you for.
Okay, so far this is just a sad hokey pokey.
I'm sorry, I think that's a hat on a hat, friend. The hokey pokey is sad enough as it is.
Same. Oh, it sucks that your husband is dating the local ice cream lady. A disheartened feeling about classical dance. Schmaltz Waltz. This will be our last one. Disheartened feeling about classical dance. Disheartened. Bummed. Sad. Sad. It's probably easiest to start with the dance and then work your way backwards. Tango salsa.
There you go. Ballet. Yeah, so you have one word. What rhymes with ballet? Ballet.
It's a bad day ballet. That's way better than what the card says. Ballet.
I forget, is this June or this July? Oh, a dismay ballet. There you go. Ballet dismay. Give yourselves a round of applause. That's some hinkpinks. Are we ready to bring up a bucket full of actual riddles now?
Erin and I did clap and snap for each other, and it must have been the saddest snapping and clapping.
I couldn't hear it and I didn't want to watch it. I'm so glad that you called it out, because I was like, oh, this feels sad and bad now.
I didn't want to clap too hard into the mic, but then I can also see my audio file as it's processed, and it was the tiniest little bumps for that. And I was like, oh boy.
That was a real sad day ballet, huh?
What a depressing amount of snaps and claps.
Yeah, I'm ready for some riddles.
Okay, let's get into some full course riddles. Here we go. What was it?
His ass, his own ass. You can't see your own ass.
You have to take others' word for it when they give you an opinion of your own ass. And here's something I want to call myself out on. I always, and I know the correct term, but I always say Wimbledon, even though it's Wimbledon. It's a D, not a T, but I always, for whatever reason, I always say Wimbledon. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I don't care about tennis. I've never watched a single tennis match in my life. Wimbledon. Wimbledon.
I don't think I've ever watched another tennis match in my life either.
Well, I guess I did see, what's that Wes Anderson movie? Royal Tenon Bumps. Does that count? Yeah, absolutely.
Okay. His first, his medal.
That's a good guess, but he could look down and probably see his own medal.
So why is it a good guess?
I'm trying to be encouraging. Did you hear what her breakfast said to her? The face of a winner. Erin, you're dead on pretty much. The answer is every other competitor could see someone who had beaten them.
That is pathetic. Just win with some grace. I'd like to see a scene. Adal, JPC, you are in the middle of a game of tennis and Adal, you're just being a really sore winner. You're up by a lot and you're just making JPC feel worse.
Great. And Erin, I want you to make a cameo as the ball kid.
Oh, ow. Stop punching me. Sorry, I'll go back on my side of the net. I just wanted to let you know. I'm fucking whooping your ass.
The match is about to start, okay?
Oh, it's about to start? Don't come over here and start hitting me. Well, I'm just trying to mentally psych you out by physically punching you.
If the judge saw that, you're lucky he's taking a little Snickers break because he was getting a little angry.
Why wait? Why should they wait? That's what he said. Have you been home yet or talked to your family? I'm sorry? Have you been home yet or talked to your family?
No, I mean not since a couple days ago when I left for Wimbledon.
Funny that you don't see their faces in the crowd, huh?
No, they're at home. They're back in, where am I? Where is this accent from? Texas. What? Adal is playing on a soundstage.
Yeah, I guess all her albums are about her age and then some sort of love or romance. You might find that your family won't be here because I sent a little package, a brown parcel, to your house that was filled with nothing but bed bugs. So I'm afraid they won't be making it. What? They weren't gonna come and now you've given them bed bugs? Yeah, it's just how I play. What is your problem? Okay, now for me to serve. Okay. That went right into the net.
Okay. That's not something you see a lot. I'm running fast. I'm running fast. I'm running fast. I got it.
Good job, ball kid. Okay. Now for another serve. Here's a guacamole. This is a, um, Haas avocado with some sea salt and, uh, some mango inside. I'm not interested. I'm allergic. Oh, okay. Well, let me take back my serve and I will now do a tenant serve.
Okay, right into the net again. Why don't we just go to my zone? Same. I like that I'm a sore winner and Japes won a single ball of mine. Here we go. This is the next riddle. This is called early morning in Las Vegas. A gambler went to Las Vegas. He won on the roulette table, lost at Blackjack, and won at poker. When he went to his bed in his hotel room, he carefully double locked his door. At 3 a.m., he was awakened by the sound of someone banging and rattling on the door of his room. What did this person want and what did the gambler do?
Can you read that again, the list of what he went and lost?
So a gambler went to Las Vegas. He won on the roulette wheel. He lost at Blackjack. He won at Poker. When he went to his bed in his hotel room, he carefully double-locked his door. Then at 3am he was awakened by the sound of someone banging and rattling on the door of his room. What did the person want and what did the gambler do?
Room service. You let them in and they change the sheets.
Room service comes and changes the sheets?
No. Well, if you're nice enough to them and you offer some of the food they just brought you, then you can all hang out.
Here's your burger and your fries and housekeeping is what I meant.
Is there anything else that I could do for you? I want to see a scene. Come over. Hang out. Japes, you are at Universal Resorts and you're staying in a nice hotel there. Erin, you are someone bringing some room service and you find that JPC is desperately trying to befriend you.
Okay, yeah. Right in here and then just anywhere you want. Put it anywhere you want. Table, floor, bathroom, wherever. I'll eat it. Your dealer's choice.
Where would you like to see me eat my food? I'm sorry, I don't want to presume that you are staying, but you are invited to stay and watch me eat.
I mean, it's the end of my shift, but I better go.
Well, at least put the food in the room first. Honestly, but you could still stay, right? Just to bring the food in the room. That part of your shift is still good, correct? Hey, actually, maybe you can help me. I think the previous occupants of this room left $100. $100 bill hidden somewhere in the room, but I can't find it for the life of me.
Are you okay? Are you lonely and sad?
Okay, are you trying to guess my name? It's Greg. You were close. Anyway, hey, you know what? We could smoke cigars. I know we're not supposed to do it in hotel rooms anymore, but I brought a couple stogies.
I'm working pretty hard here to try to make a friend. I think we're both on TV.
Why is there a second Hawaiian shirt laid out? That? Are you hoping that I would put this on?
I don't know. If the game of Pictionary that I have planned for us goes the way that I think it will, you'll want to put it on. If that makes sense. I could also draw it for you.
But I'll only agree to this if you do one thing.
You're the best man at my wedding. And by best man, I mean the groom. That's the best man at any wedding.
Okay, I will accept your offer on one condition. Can none of my family come because they do not like me?
Okay, and now let's find that $100 bill. Erin, I fucking love, like, why would the bride not marry the best man there?
And that should be the groom. Of course I'm going to marry the best man at my wedding.
Yeah, I'm not stupid. That makes sense. That makes sense to me. Yes, the best man should be called the second best man. Let's see, so we're still trying to solve this Las Vegas riddle. No way. Yes way. So he won at the roulette table, lost at Blackjack. It's not housekeeping. He won at the roulette tables. Say it again, say it again, Adal. So this guy went to Vegas, a gambler, he won on the roulette table, he lost at Blackjack, and he won at poker. When he went to bed in his hotel room, he carefully double-locked his door, and then at 3am he was awakened by the sound of someone banging and rattling on the door. What did the person want, and what did the gambler do? And this was the door to his room. Did he set a wake-up call? Is it as simple as that? Like he... No, but I wish wake-up calls were someone banging on your door. I think that would be funny.
Is it something nefarious? Like, is it someone who's come after him for doing something wrong?
It's nothing nefarious. It has more to do with, like, forgetfulness or maybe imbibing something and, you know, getting drunk and being being forgetful.
Is this, is who's banging on the door providing a service that the hotel provides? Nope. Okay.
Is it someone he came with?
Oh, he double locked the door and he locked out his like wife?
Closer, warm, hot. Did he invite someone back to his room and forget about it?
So basically, I don't think anybody will get this specific answer. So I'll go ahead and give it to you. He had played poker in his room with his friends until 2 a.m. They all had plenty of drink and had failed to notice that one of his friends had fallen asleep behind his sofa. Later, the man woke up and rattled the door as he tried to get out. The gambler let him out. So this would have been one of those hotel rooms where the living room and the bedroom are separated by a door. That's kind of fun, right?
Why was he banging on the door to get out? Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Why was he banging on the door to get out? I don't get that.
Because he couldn't, he was hungover and couldn't figure out the double locks. I would like to see it soon.
That's anytime I go to a deli. That is my order. I get a bagel with double locks.
We are in our own hangover situation. So we're in Vegas and the three of us are waking up trying to piece together what happened the night before.
Oh, I feel awful. Am I missing a tooth?
A tooth? No, you're missing your tongue.
Oh no. Diane's gonna kill me.
Oh dude, your tongue is in my mouth. Was I eating your tongue?
Alright, give me that. Thank God you found it. We can maybe still save the piece of my tongue that's missing. Who's Diane? Diane's my wife that I'm going to get married to.
Oh no, buddy. It sounds like you want to tell a story, but you just sound like... Oh yeah, because I don't have a tongue. What a great gift for an audio podcast. I wish I could understand you, but I'm sure you are saying something fun. What is this? Oh my god, why do I have... Is that a baby T-Rex? Did I buy a baby T-Rex?
Oh my god, it's so cute and it's wearing a diaper on top.
Jeff, I'm looking at this bill of sale. You didn't buy a baby T-Rex. It bought you. This baby T-Rex.
He's holding up for receipts. I can't tell what he's saying. This baby T-Rex is a millionaire.
Wait, you guys. She sounds like he's choking. What am I wearing on my finger? Is that? Did I get married last night? I've been diving garbage. No. Oh no. Who did I marry?
You don't remember? You looked in the mirror three times and once said Bloody Mary and you got married.
I found another receipt here, the book of receipts. It looks like you married the baby T-Rex. It looks like you're incredibly well off now.
We can't understand you because you have no time.
But I have all the answers. Same. Surely we won't leave that scene in the show.
That's what it's like to wake up in Vegas.
This is what we think comedy is.
Wait a second. Wait a second. The funny one in this scene is dead.
The Zach Galifianakis character is deceased. Comedy is hard. Give me a break. Speaking of giving you all a break, we're going to take a quick break to hear from some of our appetizers. We'll be right back with a Baby T-Rex. Welcome adventurers. Right this way, what's your name?
And I'm Little Patty Pillow.
Oh, you both look like your names. Well, welcome. This is the end of the road. If you choose the correct bed, then you win the treasure. Please look at all the beds in this room and choose the correct bed. I am a knight who's been guarding beds since the dawn of today.
We don't know much from you. They just started today. It's my first day. No, it doesn't matter. Kind of a big deal. Which bed to take? Sir, you don't happen to have a two-minute sleep quiz that we could take that might help match our body type to our sleep preference to the perfect mattress for us, do you?
Because me, Patti Pillow, I'm a side sleeper and a hot sleeper, and I would love to get a mattress that is specific to my needs.
And I'm a hot sleeper who needs a very firm bed.
Okay. Well, you've done it. You've cracked the code clearly you're talking about Helix sleep mattresses.
Is that the mattress I saw when I was reading GQ and Wired magazine? Because they got number one best overall mattress pick of 2019. Is that right?
Yes, duh. Yes, duh. All the beds in this room are helix sleep.
If that's true, then they all have a 10-year warranty, which is like double the average lifespan at this time. And you get to try them out for a hundred nights risk-free. Well, I know there'd be a great risk if I was going up against a hundred nights. They'll even pick it up for you if you don't love it, but you will.
That's right, every single bed here is your treasure. A Helix mattress.
You mean I can just take one right now? I don't even have to go to helixsleep.com slash Riddle, take the sleep quiz, and then get matched to the perfect mattress to have the best sleep of my life?
Patty Pillow would love for you to repeat that.
Well, Patti Pillow, between you and me, Helix Sleep is offering up to $200, that's currency of our current time, off all mattress orders for listeners of Hey Riddle Riddle, don't know what that is, at helixsleep.com slash riddle, that's helixsleep.com slash R-I-D-D-L-E, up to $200 off.
All right, let's get out of here and take that sleep quiz. I can't wait to get $200 off.
Helix Sleep, you chose wisely.
No, no, I need to say the last thing.
This sucks. And we're back and wouldn't you know, as I took a break and I left my little setup here in my closet, I came back to find a little wrapped present. I think it's a new segment. Do you guys want me to open it? Uh, we have a little show to get through, so let's just maybe move on. Okay. I saved that for... Yeah, no, no, no. Sorry, I'm just a little sad. No, that's fine. Let's see what you want to do.
Okay, just another little thing. Just try to be professional when you look this way. It's part of being an adult.
Just call me fucking Leon because I'm nothing but professional.
Adal, can you give me and JPC just like one second?
Yeah, okay. Let me take off my headphones.
Hey GPC. What? I just like... Hey Erin, I immediately feel attacked. No, okay hold on. It's just it's a pandemic right now. The world is a little stressful and I just want to let you know I think you're doing a really good job without him.
My nerves are fried. Just as a joke, I think we should have let him do this.
Okay, okay. Erin, the only way that I will consent to doing that is as a joke and so yes. Hey, Adal, can you put your headphones back on? Headphones back on? I'm doing the headphones back on. Headphones back on.
Oh, okay, Japes is doing a new segment. He's a moose. You're a moose? You are gills.
Wait, you're gonna let me do moose time? I've been sending you guys email after email about doing moose type. You said it's not ready. The idea is not ready.
I told you, you're ripping off Northern Exposure. That's already a segment. Yeah, I put my headphones back on. What do you want?
Adal, I think that we would love to hear your segment. I think that would be very something that we're interested in doing. Yeah, I'm excited.
Why are you shaking your head no? Uh, no, just, uh, you can't see me, uh, so shut up. Yeah, okay. And, well, let me go ahead and unwrap it here. Ooh! Oh, wow. I don't know if you all can see this, but we have a new segment called Fully Mackerel. Thanks for watching! Okay. So I think if I can kind of piece this all together based on the gift I was given and not something I made up moments ago, this is called Foley Mackerel. This is called Foley Mackerel featuring audio daddy Casey Tony and what Casey's going to do is In Foley Mackerel, we're going to tell a big fish of a story, some sort of made-up story, some big lie, and Casey Tony, audio daddy himself, is going to provide the sound effects, much like a Foley artist would. Does that sound fun? Oh yeah, it sounds fun to me.
So what we'll do, yes. Can I leave my present box that I'm in?
Okay, can somebody unwrap Casey?
Okay, I am very confused because why are there air holes in the first box but not in the second?
Did that dead fish need air because they don't even breathe that? Oh shit, I put air holes in Casey. You put gill holes in Casey's box.
All we need to know is let's figure this out before we open Casey's box.
So what's going to happen is I'm going to start us off, and I'm going to start telling a big tale, a big story that's going to have some moments for audio effects. And whenever I'm ready to pass the story off, I will say someone's name. So I'll say Erin or Japes, and then that person will take over the story where I left off, and then you can pass it back whenever you like.
And Casey's going to be doing Foley for the entire story. Casey's going to be doing Foley for the entire story. Casey, audio daddy, you ready?
Uh, yeah, I'm out of the box, I'm dead, I'm a spooky skeleton, and I'm ready to do the sound effects. Guys, I don't think this is gonna work.
Okay, here we go. This is fully mackerel. On a dark and stormy night, dark-er and stormier, I was drinking a dark and stormy, but I started to choke on the contents of my cocktail. And I managed to scream. Ow. That was a little bit more of a panic scream. Ah. And I fell and hit my head on the hard marble floor of my man. When I woke up, I felt like I was maybe in some sort of dream state. I saw my cat come over to me and say a curse word. Shit. It didn't even sound like a cat. It just sounded like some guy.
Was that a good swear? Should I do a different swear? Yeah, let's do another one. Okay. Pussy was right there. Am I allowed to say pussy, Erin, do I have permission?
I was so startled that I fell backwards into a plate glass mirror.
Brushing the scraps of mirror off of myself, I headed over to my record player machine and played a little clip of one of my favorite George Carlin albums. I fast-forwarded past the part where Carlin's just laughing at his own shit to one of my favorite joke segments.
Mmm, yeah. These is the credits for the joke. George Carlin played by George Carlin. Not gonna do the swear word thing.
Okay, took that off. That was kind of a swing of the miss. Reached for a Bitch Hedberg album and gave that a whirl. Pussy. Being done with that part of the night, I decided to walk into my garage and hit the garage door so that it would open up and opened the door to my Ferrari. I'm sorry, not my Ferrari spaceship, my Ferrari car. You gotta be specific, you gotta be specific. Then I revved that engine to really let that baby purr. Oh, I got out, remembered I didn't put any gas in it, and closed the door. Racing back into the house, I picked up My telephone and was greeted by the familiar... The familiar sound that a telephone makes when you pick it up. Then I began to dial. And I dialed some more numbers. Enough for a real phone call. And I called up my very good friend, George Carlin, who said, Uh, pussy. George always got me laughing. I hung up the phone, Erin.
And just then I heard a knock at the front door. I opened the door and saw a beautiful woman crying. Just then I realized that that woman was my ex-wife and she started to speak. She sounded like how my cat was supposed to sound. What's going on here? Why is my ex-wife at the door? I go out to the garden with her. I still love you. She said she still loves me. Let me reach down and cut a rose from the garden.
Oh, not the thorns again. I'm so sorry. Not the thorns again.
I forgot that she sounded like a spooky Snow White. Oh man, I miss that voice. Just then we began to slow dance in the moonlight to a George Carlin album.
End of scene. Hooray. Nice job. That was slowly mackerel.
Casey, give yourself a raise. Okay. Thanks guys. Enjoy the sound effects for the rest of the episode.
They're going to be just like that. Oh no. That was good. Well, I think that's it for segments unless I hear us.
Unless I hear us. Yeah, what was your ripoff of Animal Parade, Japes?
Yeah, so that was moose. Oh, what's the M word that's walking? You snooze, you moose. I want to say promenade, but isn't there an M word for walking? Marching.
Let's just go with moose my promenade. Hold on. Isn't there an M word for walking? Yeah, right? Hey, I'm marching here.
Like go to summer camp or like do theater and you did that moose song. Remember that moose song?
How did it go? It's a call and response song. Do you want me to do the beginning with you? You can repeat it for me.
You went to Dave Coulier camp though, right?
Okay Erin, let's hear the song.
You have to repeat after me.
All right. He was a great big moose.
He was a great big moose.
He liked to drink a lot of juice.
He liked to drink a lot of juice.
He was a great big moose.
He was a great big moose.
He liked to drink a lot of juice.
He liked to drink a lot of juice.
Wayo wayo wayo wayo. And that is a song about an alcoholic moose.
Well that was my segment. Mosey was what I was looking for. Mosey.
That doesn't sound familiar to you at all?
No, I never heard that song.
I wonder if anyone else has. Tweet at me and let me know. I think a lot of people have. I think if you went to summer camp. Yeah, right now. I just told you. Feeded me right now. Send a tweet to me right now.
Y'all fuck now I'm in the mood for an animal parade, so we're gonna do one. Ready? Okay, let's do it, yeah. A crab who lost his car keys. A goblin with a rake head.
A fish who won the lottery. A monkey with a comb over.
A hippo from the future. A goat with a preamble to the Constitution.
Animal parade. A goat with a preamble to the Constitution. Okay, fine. I love it. You're right.
I love it. So let's find, of course, you can always email me articles for use in Animal Parade at hrrpodcast.com. Sorry, hrrpodcast.gmail.com. You can also email me articles for use in Fully Mackerel if you have some stories, Trivia Corpse, which was the one we did, and Spook Troop. So send your articles to hrrpodcast.gmail.com. This Animal Parade article was sent in by Emily F. Thank you so much, Emily F. This is from... Where's this article from? The Internet. So this is from Worchester. Am I saying that right, Erin?
And Emily says... Oh, if you want to go to Six Flags New England, you gotta pass Worcester.
Emily F. says she is a fellow Masshole.
Oh, I wonder if she went to Holy Cross. That's in Worcester.
Worster is West Massachusetts trash, but thank you Emily.
Okay, this is Patch.com. This is a news article from Worster, Mass. It says, what is it? Unidentified creature captured on video in Worster. It could be a fox, a coyote, or just someone's dog. The animal was captured on a home surveillance camera.
There could have been a murder, or a robbery, or it could have just been a birthday party.
Everyone's so bored that this is news. Wurstermass, a Wurster resident, recently captured an unidentified creature on a home surveillance camera. The homeowner posted the video on Neighbors app on Christmas Eve, so this is an older article, and wondered whether the animal was a fox or a coyote. Both of those animals, it turns out, are common and worse. Foxes are the most type of carnivore. This is a bad, like, sixth grade report. Foxes are the most common type of carnivore, although they'll eat almost anything. In Massachusetts, according to the state division of Fisheries and Wildlife, there are two fox species that live in the state. The gray fox and the red fox. Both types weigh a max of about 15 pounds, and the creature in this video looks a little bigger than that. There's a good chance the creature could be a coyote. Before Thanksgiving, Worster Arledge counselor, Morris Bergman, floated the idea of creating a map of coyote sightings in the city. He got the idea from Natick, which had a problem with coyotes, and after hearing about some coyote sightings in his Tatnock neighborhood. Can you identify the creature? Here's the video. Uh, Adal, did you watch the video? I did not. Okay. Who's gonna identify the future? I mean, it's gotta be a wolf or a fox.
No wait, let's just guess. Let's see. I think it might be, hmm... I think it's a really, really sick horse.
Yeah. Also, Adal, you did a great job with those town names. I just, uh, people in Massachusetts are so particular about that. I went, why not give the people what they want?
Yeah, no, I mean I was relying on you as our local asshole to get it right. Have you ever seen a fox or a coyote or a wolf in Massachusetts?
Yeah. Which one? Audrey? No, I don't think I've ever seen a wolf, actually. I don't think I've ever seen a wolf. But Massachusetts, at least the part of Massachusetts that I am from, had a terrifying massive huge turkey problem. Turkey is the size of 8th graders just waddling about.
Are you sure this wasn't just like an 8th grade turkey?
Oh yeah, maybe. Who knows? Who's to say? It's really scary.
I heard a story that the baseball team in Boston was actually the red fox and then one time there was a typo in the newspaper and they changed it to sauce.
Yeah, they were just polite about it.
Yeah, when I hear Boston I think polite.
I think racist nonsense, but I'm glad that you think we're polite.
We used to have coyotes in Indiana and those coyotes are like... Hey Riddle. It's like a wooded neighborhood and there's no street lights in his neighborhood, so you turn your brights on as soon as you get to that neighborhood so you can see your way through the dark. I hit my brights on these three coyotes that were in the middle of the street. First of all, they were thick as hell. They were well-fed coyotes.
They were smoking cigarettes and drinking a beer together.
They say that coyotes will eat like dogs, and I was like, oh, these are definitely dog eating coyotes. But their fur was all patchy. It was like they were like midlife crisis coyotes who were just like, I'm not losing it. I'm not losing it.
Were they driving a sports car?
Yeah, they were all in beatas. Wait, what do you think a sports car is? Well, that's what they thought a sports car was.
You just see them calling the police to ask if they can drown a raccoon.
I used to live on Clark and Montrose, and my apartment overlooked a cemetery. Seminary. When I looked with the seminary school, thank you, and I lived with Brett Lyons, and any time we looked out his window, it looked into the cemetery, and we would constantly see coyotes running around in there. Yeah, they would fight each other, and they all looked so mangy, and just real haggard. They're kind of like sad wolves.
Yeah, it didn't seem like a good life for those coyotes.
I do want to see a scene. Japes, you're going to be a wolf. Erin are going to be a red fox. I will play a coyote. And we're having our once a year meeting up of the Massachusetts animals to try and lay down some rules and regulations for the following year.
Order to our meeting. Hello. Dunkin' Donuts Coffee. Donuts over here if you guys want some.
It messes with my frickin' howl so I don't touch the stuff.
It messes with your howl.
It messes with my howl. I'll be up all night. It's a dry howl that it does.
Oh, let's hear it. Let's hear it.
I'm not gonna do it for you.
All right, order, order. Fox, you got the floor.
I mean, you called order.
Oh, awesome. Okay. There's some things I want to talk about. All right? Is everyone paying attention?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. As much as is capable of me.
Okay, I want to talk about dogs.
Don't get me started. The topic of conversation better be how much they suck because that's all I'm interested in talking about.
I have some good news and some bad news.
The bad news is my daughter, she fell in love with a dog.
Oh my god. Isabella? Yep.
The good news is she wants us all to officiate it.
I don't know. I thought you'd care that my daughter cares about you and loves you.
Can I tell you all some good news, bad news? Yeah, of course. I guess it's bad news, bad news. My son fell in love with a roadrunner.
Bad news. What? The bad news is that my son-in-law is going to be a roadrunner.
Holy shit. That is devastating. Have you tried catching the Roadrunner before your son, your daughter, can marry?
Oh non-stop. I tried painting a little entrance to a cave on the side of a wall. Yeah, that works. But then I ran into it. Oh come on. And he ran right through. He probably did.
Well I got a question. Have you fallen off of any cliffs? Probably not, right?
Well, I fell off the wagon. I fell off the wagon. Oh, no. Oh, yeah, that's... it's falling off. That's the one where you... no, that's the bad one.
That's the bad one. Do you have any good news, bad news for us?
I have terrible news. I have no good news, I just have terrible news. So, you know that son of mine? That wolf son of mine? So he comes up to me the other day and he says, Dad, the socks traded away David Ortiz.
He was the only one left. Fuck me.
Wait, did you have good news?
Well, the good news is I'm no longer a Red Sox fan, so I decided to walk.
Who are you going to do? Are you going to go to a Bruins game? Are you going to hate yourself? No.
No, no, no. It's all, I'm doing all, I'm doing all Swedish basketball.
Yeah, I'm only following Swedish basketball now.
You know, if you're picking a Boston team, you couldn't do Celtics, you couldn't do...
I'm not, I'm done with sports except Swedish basketball. That's the only one I like.
Oh, well I heard a lot of Swedish basketball players have some unusual names. Why don't you go and tell us the starting five?
Uh, the starting five? of the Swedish basketball players. Basketball players' names. Well, here they are.
They have funny names these days.
Yeah, yeah, and I'm a big fan. So I know all of these.
You mean my eyes are goggling.
Goggling. Goggling. Our tongues are lolling and our eyes are goggling.
Well, I'll tell you what. Googling Swedish basketball players doesn't help a lot. So, boy oh boy. Let's just say they're all named Sven.
Pretty funny. Pretty good animal parade. So that is the end of our animal parade. Japes, I do want to say I missed a dead stop for you, which was during animal parade, did you say a goblin with a rake head?
I was like 20 minutes ago my man. Have you had some nightmares or what's going on here? There's got to be a statute of limitations on that.
Wait, wait, JVC. How soon after you saying something ridiculous are we allowed to be freaked out by it?
I think the statute of limitations on a dead stop is like... 15 seconds? It's under a minute. If you can't go back, hey, previously dead stop, last episode you said, and then just read off some stuff that I did. That's unfair.
You said something crazy to me in 2016. I can't care anymore.
If it was a prediction, then it has two years to come true, Erin.
So I said six years to the day. So you think goblins are animals. That's the only statement I want to make. I cede my time. Would you say that humans are animals? Absolutely.
Then goblins are animals, too. Okay, that's what you're looking for. What are goblins? Monsters. If monsters tend to green humans.
This is where you and I part with.
Are they humans? Or are they goblins?
The best killer song. We're going to do one more riddle and then we're going to go ahead and stop this podcast. Here we go. This is our final riddle. This is called Sleeping on the Job. Okay.
This is very appealing to me.
I love sleeping on a job. A man undressed to go to bed and hundreds of people lost their jobs. Why? He was on a Zoom call. A man undressed to go to bed and hundreds of people lost their jobs. Why? I will go ahead and say... Is it a Santa Claus thing? Oh, details.
My answer isn't a date I went on. It's just my answer.
I want to see a scene. Erin, you are on a date with Kris Kringle, played by Japes, and Japes, you are a bit of an unorthodox Santa.
You must be. What? Excuse me?
What? Oh, I was just saying ho, ho, ho. Look at these prices.
Oh, okay. Sorry. I thought you were calling me. Yeah, I was going to ask. It feels like it's sort of a tricky thing to work only one day a year. How do you subsidize your income the rest of the year?
Oh, well, you know, I'm salaried, so it doesn't really matter how much I work.
I mean, I know it's a little like trash.
No, it's a little ghost to say. Before I answer, what is the etiquette with how we are paying for this? Because you said red lobster and I said, sure, red lobster. And now I'm getting here and I'm looking at an $18 entree and I'm like, holy smokes, what did I get myself into?
I have no trouble. I have no trouble paying for it. It's just a little misleading because I thought you were one of the most famous people in the entire world. Sure, yeah. Are you okay financially?
I'm good. Can I tell you something? The elves unionized a couple years ago and I took a fucking bath with... My business model was not super sustainable to begin with.
Well, why did they unionize?
But it's because of that. Yeah, it's labor stuff. I wasn't the best of bosses. I was making them sleep in one big hut and work all times. They got to make billions of toys.
So this date goes very well. We cut to the next morning. We cut. I guess I decided. We cut to the next morning and, Japes, you are Santa coming downstairs at Erin's house and I am her son who's up early and curious.
Good morning. I made a pot of coffee if you want anything.
Yeah, and thank you again for letting me sleep in the bathtub. I never pissed that much. Oh, Santa. Oh, who do we got here? I'm just kidding.
Yeah, you're Tyler. Hi, Tyler. I know all the kids.
I do indeed. Yes, I got a list with all the kids' names on it.
Can I ask you for what I want for Christmas?
Can you ask me for what you want for Christmas? Sure. Yeah, I'm Santa Claus. It's kind of my whole thing.
To fall in love with my mom.
What? You want to fall in love with me, son? Or you want... Wait, hold on, is this like genie rules?
You want tricks? Sayin' I'm to fall in love with your mom or you want you to fall in love with your mom? Oh no, it's happening.
Couple things. One is we really messed up. The second one, I'm not really looking for anything serious, honey. It's happening.
Hey, uh, Linda, if I'm being honest, it doesn't matter either way. It's a bad kid, he's on the bad list, he's getting cold no matter what. He can't really do anything to change it.
Yeah, we have quotas, so honestly.
Are we reindeer or are we prancer?
In December, Santa puts a bunch of people on the naughty list just to reach the quota.
The elves unionized it. Now I'm doing like 80% naughty list.
They don't want to work and it's just cold. A man undresses, sorry, a man undressed to go to bed and hundreds of people lost their jobs. Why? This is a very specific answer and it's actually a bit of history, a little bit of Hollywood history, So I don't know if we're gonna get this. A man undressed to go to bed? A man undressed to go to bed and hundreds of people lost their jobs. Why?
Is this like an old-timey thing where you weren't allowed to show like skin on television and an actor accidentally forgot he was doing a bedtime scene and like took his clothes off and then everyone who was working on the set was like blacklisted from Hollywood and they were all fired?
Okay, and you think old-timey Hollywood streamed live?
No, no, I just think that something, the rules were such that you saw a man's kneecap, so now you go to jail.
It's not that. I mean, you're not horribly off, but that's not exactly right. Erin, do you have any guesses before I read the answer?
Okay, the man was Clark Gable, the screen idol who took off his shirt in a movie in which he was about to go to bed. He was not wearing an undershirt. So great was his influence that men stopped wearing undershirts and factories making them had to close down. In a later movie, he wore an undershirt and restored it to fashion. Wow. Isn't that a fun little tidbit?
That's power. Interesting.
Like when Justin Bieber got that fucking haircut and then all the bulls in America got thrown right into the trash because they couldn't do the little bull swoop anymore.
Fucking Bieber killed bulls. I want to see a scene. Erin, you're going to be playing Hollywood legend Clark Gable. And Japes, you are sort of Clark Gable's, I don't know the proper term, like wrangler. Like you're the person who's sort of supposed to help him throughout his shoot. And Clark's a little erratic today so you're trying to reel him in.
I'm not leaving my trailer till I get another three steaks and a couple martinis.
That's no problem Clark we can get you three steaks and a couple of martinis but you gotta come on set and do your lines and you gotta get that costume on.
Not before you send a few women to my trailer not for anything weird I just want to explain something to them they already know.
Clark I We can get some more ladies in here, but you've explained everything that you know to everyone on this cast twice over. We could keep beating a dead horse, Clark. You could just get on stage, work your magic. You got a million dollar smile and a twenty dollar pants.
I'm not going to set until you kill every other handsome man in Hollywood. They're gonna be one.
I've killed every one of their careers. I've hidden snakes in their cars. I've done the old porno fishing on them. I've done it all, Clark. They're ruined. They're never going to work another day.
I need you to kill. Who's alive during this time? Peter O'Toole?
O'Toole's alive. He's big.
I could have maybe done a couple more.
Fantastic. I do want to say my new favorite quote of all time is, you got a million dollar smile and a hundred dollar pants. That was expensive. Very expensive. Back then, this is the end of our show. Is there anything, Erin, you would like to plug?
Follow me, Erin Keif 10 on Instagram, Erin Keif 2 on Twitter, and follow our Patreon. We have so many hours, over a hundred hours of really fun content. I'm going to start doing live streams again with maybe some games and prizes and other such things over on there. So if you want to come join me and talk to me, I will be on the Patreon.
Awesome. Japes, anything to plug? I got a bunch of stuff to plug. First of all, I would like to plug the SugoiCorp podcast. It's S-U-G-O-I underscore corp on Twitter. Their podcast takes title suggestions and flushes out an anime for their anime hating friend to watch. Check out their best of sampler for a taste. I also want to plug a tale of two folds on Facebook. It's a book art site run by our friend Ginny. I would like to plug twitch.tv slash hash Hatchling Games, a dedicated variety streamer and riddle enthusiast. Come by, drop a riddle, have fun. Also, a shout out, a quick dedication to a cat named Pickle. Pickle is a very excellent cat. If you would like to also pick up some Atwood specialty cat food with no grain filters, or that would be fillers. Would you say that Pickle is a sourpuss? Uh, pickles and sourpuss. Fist of the Forgotten, which is a game coming to Steam where you can watch development at twitch.tv slash J-I-T-S-P-O-E. And also, I want to plug this team that works with the Chicago Department of Transportation to make a public Google-based map where you can find out anything that's happening on your block. Chicagoans want to feel empowered and informed about what's happening on their streets. It's called Shy Street Work, and it's shystreetwork.chicago.gov slash map. The name is not what the team originally came up with, but they didn't have final say. And then I would also like to dedicate the last part of my plugs to complimenting Erin. Erin is wonderful, her smile lights up a room, and she makes this podcast very fun. Adal, anything that you would like to plug?
Did someone pay you $100 to plug me?
Erin, no, they only paid $50. I want to make a few plugs. First off, the three of us, myself, Japes, and Erin, we guest it on a podcast called Meddling Adults, so please check out Meddling Adults, our episode and every other episode. That should be out now or coming soon. Also, Erin and I were on a podcast called the Dr. DC podcast. We were talking about the Riddler and trying to solve some of the Riddler's famous riddles throughout time, so please check out the Dr. DC podcast.
Adal does a bitnut episode that made me cry laughing and continued to laugh for the rest of the day after we recorded it, so for sure check that out.
Thank you. Also, I was on a show called That's My Story. I believe you can find that on Facebook. It is a sort of almost like a British panel show where there's two teams of three and we tell stories that may or may not be our own and people have to suss out whether it's true or not. And then last but not least, I was on The Redo Podcast, which is a new podcast for my friends at Is This Adulting? Steven and Chris, they started a brand new podcast called The Redo Podcast. So please listen for my episode out now or out soon. And Erin, just say the fucking thing.
Adal promised to give us all $3,000. Fuck, I'm wrong. Jupiter.
Bye forever. Starting Erin Keif and John Patrick Coan, Casey Tony to the editing, and already parented the music. So greeted by
Hey, if you like that, you're going to love this Friday's Patreon. JPC makes Adal and Erin do his bracket challenge. You can find that, plus our entire back catalog of Patreon bonus episodes at patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle. You can join the Clue Crew for $5 a month or join the Review Crew for $8 a month to get access to all of our bonus content.
That was a hate gun podcast.