Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Spooky door sound.

Welcome, welcome Erin and Adal to my Keep. Oh, what is this place? Also shouldn't you have just said creak instead of spooky door sound? I gotta get that thing fixed.

This is the Keep of Evil Dr. JPC.

Oh, are we sure we want to make it? You'll figure it out. No, no, you got it.

Well, you sure. Okay. The premise here is that I'm a doctor. People think I'm evil, but only because we think all doctors are evil.

What's the premise?

We're a persecuted class, us doctors. But I invited you to my castle not to do experiments on you, but to give you the great gift of preventing hair loss.

Tell us more about Keeps.

Well, that's the name of my castle. It's also, I guess, it's a company that does, you know, it helps meet male powder baldness.

You want us to do it?

Can I just say hair loss is one of the scariest things. So Keeps would be not scary. It would be helpful and good.

Yeah, so what you seem to know all about it, I guess. I don't know why I'm telling you, Adam. It keeps off as generic versions of only two of FDA approved hair loss products out there. You have tried them before, but you've probably never tried them for this great price.

Doctor, did you know that two out of three men will experience hair loss in their lifetime?

Tell the doctor more statistics about male hair loss. The whole palace devoted to it. It doesn't matter. I was just trying to support you.

Doctor, did you know the best way to prevent hair loss is to do something about it while you still have hair left?

I mean, yeah, I built a whole castle, you know, centered on this. Anyway, Keif does more five star reviews than any of their competitors and nearly 100,000 men trust Keif for their hair loss prevention medication. Keif's treatments start at just $10 a month plus for a limited time. You get your first month free. How's that?

Wait, and I can do this all from my home? You'll deliver it to my house so I don't have to leave?

I won't, but a man or a woman will. Someone will get it to you. I mean, someone will get it to you, yes. That's fantastic. And if you're ready to take action and prevent hair loss, go to keeps.com slash riddle to receive your first month of treatment for free. That's K-E-E-P-S dot com slash riddle R-I-D-D-L-E. And you got to tell them old evil Dr. JPC Zincia.

Doctor, I fixed your door.

It no longer says creak and now says keeeeeps.com slash riddle.

Get out of here.

You invited us.

You brought us in, literally. Whoa, Adal, Erin, you guys look like absolute dog crap. Oh, thanks. No, no, it's not a compliment at all. You guys look horrible. You look haggard. You look sleepless. Erin, you look, you know, just full of anxiety. Adal, you look riddled with pain.

Well, I'm wearing someone else's wedding dress.

And I haven't slept in days and I'm full of anxiety. I was gonna say that. Hey, you know, why don't you guys just use feels? Huh?

What's feels?

How do you not know this? We've advertised so many times so far.

We're just going along with your bit.

It's the previous... Wait, Adal, let's say it again. Ready? Huh? No, it's the previous feels.

What feels? Come on, guys. It's the CBE company. I know, I use it all the time. It's the hassle-free membership program. It's guaranteed to help you feel your best month after month or your money back. It's feels.

I use it like three or four times a week. It helps with my anxiety a lot.

I use it daily. It helps me out so much. Now I don't believe that you know what feels is. Well here's the thing, I can't even get upset because I'm on feels right now and I'm just relaxed, so I'm not gonna scream back at you. Okay, if you know what feels is, what is it and how do you take it? Well, feels is a premium CBD delivered directly to your doorstep. What does feels do? It feels natural and it helps you reduce stress, anxiety, pain, and sleeplessness.

Place a few drops of feels on your tongue. And feel the difference

And you probably realized that you weren't going to get high or have a hangover or any addiction because it's naturally a way to help you feel better. Huh? Is that what you did?

That's exactly right. And you know the person I called on that Feels hotline? They're now the best man in my wedding.

Wow. Kind of messed up that I'm finding out about it this way. Anyway, if you want to join the Feels community to get Feels delivered to your door every month, you'll save money on every order and you can pause or cancel every single time. We all love Feels because we are members of Feels.

I really use it and I really like it.

So if you want to be feeling great every day, it can help you too. Become a member today by going to Feels.com slash Riddle. That's F-E-A-L-S dot com slash Riddle, and you will get 50% off your first order with free shipping. Feels.com slash Riddle to become a member and get 50% automatically taken off your order with free shipping. Feels. From stress to blessed. What?

What was yours? Feels.

No, guys. Feels.com slash Riddle. Offer code R-I-D-D-L-E. Come on. I love the way you feels.

Huh? What feels?

The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Oh, then we're going to finish. It was the cabin of an airplane. He stabbed him with his eyes away. And the horse was being riding.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

Hello Earthling, what is your name? My name is JPC. Oh, wait, I'm an alien as well. Yes, we're both aliens. We know each other. You're Adal. I'm JPC. And we are from the planet Gorgonzola.

And I'm Erin and I am here too. And this is my alien voice.

Okay, so... Take us to your riddles. When you said hello Earthlings, we were talking to no one. We're just three aliens having dinner together.

Here, wait. No, I'll play a human. No, me too. Okay, me too. Hey, what's up? I'm Jeff. Hey, I'm Dave. And I'm from Dearborn. Jeff, I'm your roommate at Dearborn. Yeah. I'm Dave.

And who's this? And I'm Mike, and I'm from the planet Gorgonzola.

No, hold on. No, fuck. No, someone has to be the alien.

Okay, I'll be the alien.

Okay, at some point you have to say take us to your puzzles, okay? Or take us to your riddles. Hey, what's up? Hey, it's me, Little Mike. Little Mikey Scottsdale. What's up? And I'm Big Mike, and I'm also from Scottsdale. Can you choose another fucking name in another city, please?

And I'm Medium Mike, and I'm from Arkansas, and I'm an alien.

Let me know your puzzles. Pretty good. I mean I don't hate it, but ugh. Would you rather be- I do. Would you rather be Big Scott from Mike's Dale? Yes. Magic Scottsdale. I'm Adal Rifai. I'm JPC.

And I'm Erin Keif. And before we started recording, I was like, I'm going to be so chill in this episode. I'm just going to be like so relaxed and chill. And then we start an intro and I'm immediately media mic.

Ooh, let's do, let's do a real chill episode. Let's do like a pure moods, just like enya-esque relaxation.

Let's do like a spa.

That's annoying. But let's do like a spa episode.

Okay, I'm going to put some lemon water everywhere.

Casey, can you put in some like ocean waves?

It's like perfect storm ocean waves. That's like the most stressful ocean waves you can do.

Okay, now calm ocean waves.

Now calm ocean waves.

And I'm going to sing some Enya and I want everyone to close their eyes. Are you ready?

I'm closing my eyes. I can't wait to hear what Erin thinks the lyrics to Enya's songs are. Okay, here we go.

It means me too.

I can't wait. Okay. I wonder if I'm gone home, I wonder if I'm alone.

I am going up the stairs, I am going up the stairs.

Solve riddles that you submit when we pull out of riddle books with the number one relaxation podcast and the number two riddle podcast.

Sit back, relax, and let these riddles wash over you.

And the puzzles too.

Now we're going to ease it into a very easy riddle. What's wet? All the piss? And you're sitting in it. JPC's sister. Maybe we should try to branch out and do other formats for our riddle podcast.

Let's do it! Okay. Okay. So let's try it. Hold on, Adal. You didn't seem on board. You seem like you're just agreeing to it. No, no, no. I just need to think about it for a minute, but I do agree we need to rope in some other markets and I feel like the relaxation market is untapped because nobody wants to bother them. Right? So this episode, as much as possible, let's have a lot of relaxation, a lot of just like zen, checking in, feeling yourself, kind of spa treatment. Yeah?

Isn't it crazy that it was a total coincidence that I wore cucumbers over my eyes for this episode?

Well, they're covered in ranch, so your face is a fucking mess.

It looks like you maybe actually just too enthusiastically ate a salad. Yeah, and you put carrots over your teeth, and they're covered in ranch.

You look like a goddamn... That's exactly what happened, but it's sort of working.

Erin the salad snowman.

Had a very carrot nose. And if you ever hummus...

Have you ever had the hiccups and ate a salad? It's not easy.

Speaking of things that we've all eaten, I would like to say that shortly before this recording, Mariah and I made some bean soup, some cannellini bean, cannellini bean soup. Oh, you mean chili. This was really good. It was just like vegetable stock and some seasoning cannellini beans. And we made some garlic bread. And I have introduced, while we've been in quarantine, Mariah just texted me LOL. But while we've been at lockdown, I have introduced a new ranking system to the meals that we make together, and I give it a number of JPCs.

Oh, is this your Shaba ranking system, which we were talking about?

Yes. Mariah is very frustrated with my JPC ranking system because I'll be like, that meal? That was 14 JPCs. And she's like, what does that mean? And so today I gave it 10 JPCs, which is the highest number of JPCs that you can get for making soup. Oh! Yeah.

Okay, wait, I have a lot of questions. What's the thing that you can get the highest JPCs eating?

So far, it has been... Ass. It's got to be ass, right? If you get JPCs from eating ass, see a doctor.

So far. Hold on, JPC in that situation stands for juicy, pus-filled... ...coils. Coils. Coils. Coils. Coils. Coils. Coils. Coils. Coils. Coils. Coils. Coils. Coils. Coils. Coils. Coils. Coils. Coils. Coils. Coils. Coils.

Coils. Coils.

Coils. Coils. Coils. Coils. Coils. Coils. Coils. Coils. Coils. Coils. Coils.

Coils. Coils. Coils. Coils. Coils. Coils. Coils. Coils. Coils. Coils. Coils. Coils. Coils. Coils.

I think we did a sausage and peppers meal, which was this tomato paste thing, and that got 14 JPCs, and that was a ton of JPCs.

What type of sausage are we talking, Veggie Boy?

Beyond Beef makes a Beyond sausage.

Have you had it? No, but the name Beyond Beef sounds awful.

Casey was shocked by that. Bed, Beef, and Beyond? I can't wait until the vegans come after you, Adal.

Bed, Bath, and Beef.

Ooh, the vegans. I'm shaking in my Birkenstocks.

Beef, Bath, and Beyond.

Hey, Beef in my Bath, Beef in my Bed. You know what I'm saying?

Well, GPC.

I shit my bed on my back.

Have you ever had a meal in your life that's more than 14 JPCs? Like what's the best meal you've ever had?

The rating system just opened up like four weeks ago so it's hard to say because before the JPCs rating system existed I really couldn't in good conscience give things JPCs and my memory is so bad. I give my memory four JPCs so I would never give something a ranking of JPCs based on memory if that makes sense.

I had pumpkin muffins this morning that I made, and I'd give them nine JPCs.

Whoa! That's good! Pumpkin muffins, please, Erin. Puffins.

And I put maple syrup on them. They're really good.

It's either puffins or mumkins.

How many JPCs would you give me in Adal?

I would give Adal nine JPCs, and I would give you 11 JPCs. And then I would never forget either one of you.

I'm almost as good as beyond beef sausage things.

No, that was 40 JPCs. You were so much worse than that. You guys have no idea what the system is like. It's also, it's not an equal number between each JPZ. It's not an equal number of distance. So like one could be a mile, one could be a foot.

So yeah, 40 JPZs is pretty high up there. I just love that we stuck to our idea of making this a relaxing episode.

Oh no, we got it. I'm lighting all the candles.

Who's our Old Man Pumpkins? JPC will be Old Man Pumpkins for this episode, which it's not Old Man Pumpkins. It's not even close to Halloween. It's not even close to harvest time, guys.

So we're... Oh, instead of Old Man puzzles, because it's our relaxation episode, it should be Om Man Relaxation.

I'll be on the man relaxation for this episode and I wanted to start this episode with a couple listener submitted warm ups. These are going to be some warm ups that we've had listeners submit. I will not say the dates on some of these, but a lot of them are over a year old. This one is from Thad. I think, oh yes, Thad not only says we can use their full name, but we can use their full name. So it's the whole name, Thad William Davis II. Thad, hope you have a kid. Hope you name him Thad William Davis. Hope you get that. TWD the three.

Hey Thad, what's it like teaching sailing lessons every summer during high school? Because that's what your name sounds like.

Uh-huh. Adal, do you have a bully for Thad? Yeah, I also want to bully Thad, but give me a second here. So his name is Thad Williams Davis. Thad William Davis. Yeah, okay, I got one. How come in 1988 you challenged that kid on the ski slopes and, hold on, looks like a... No, but I want to make it relaxing. Yeah, it's relaxing.

I got one, I got one. Thad, was it like owning stock and vineyard vines?

Asshole. And now me. How much coke do you do a week, bitch? Yeah, I think actually Thad's just like a normal listener who really loves the show.

Oh, nevermind.

Hi Thad. Anyway, Thad says, what word has the greatest distance between its first and last letters? Thad Williams Davis. Miles.

What's that?

Miles. It's like a, it's like a

It's a jazz musician.

It's not like a long word. It's like a word that means long.

Oh, it's probably, is it like the word of foot? Erin had it, but she didn't have it. Oh, it's smiles. Yes. Smiles because there's a mile between two S's.

Uh-huh. It is smiles because there's a mile between the two S's.

I sort of got it.

Erin did get it. She said miles, which is wrong, but it's sort of right, and it helps Adal get there.

I want to see a scene. And so, Erin, you are in for some glamour shots at a Sears. I don't know where glamour shots take place, but you're in a Sears.

You think a lot of things happen at a Sears. A store that hasn't existed in like a decade.

And, Japes, you are the photographer and you're trying to do whatever you can to make Erin smile because for whatever reason she's just not giving you a good picture. Okay. Hey, so what's the occasion for this?

Um, I, uh, I've just been trying to, uh... Oh, look at you, you're the saddest girl in the world.

I just need this for dating profiles.

You need this for a dating profile?

Yeah, I thought maybe I'd get a glamour shot. I'm recently a single actor, about 20 years.

I was way off with girl. I'm sorry. No, it's fine.

And also, I'm normally very happy. I just had sort of a hard 24 hours.

Oh, okay. Okay. Well, traditionally, and I honestly, I want to say this to make you comfortable. As a photographer, we want to kind of get you at your best, especially if this is for a dating profile. You probably want to look a little happy. Can you tell me just a few quick things about your life? Maybe I can find some rays of sunshine. I'm actually really good at finding rays of joy in people's lives. And maybe I can help you bring some of that out.

Sure, I ate banana bread that was two hot ones and now I can't taste. Oh no, that's a permanent thing. I had a cat I got really attached to and it ran away to my neighbor's house and today I was driving down the road and there was a cement truck in front of me and instead of cement it was filled with blood and it tipped over and I went into it and now my car and my heart and my covered in blood.

Okay, so you can drive. So let's do something with that. We cut to the sign outside the photo station and it does say the rays of sunshine and it says photographer Raymond smiles.

You know, I like driving. I drive a Prius because it's good for the environment.

I drive a hearse.

You drive a hearse. Okay. Hey, you know what makes me smile? Her, she's chocolate. How would you like a little chocolate bar? And maybe that would turn that frown completely upside down. Here you go.

I have a little... I'm allergic to sugar.

Okay, so that's going to make life a lot worse, huh? Okay, you know what? You said you want to do a dating profile. Why don't we create a little mock dating profile on the fly? So what is your interest? What are some of your hobbies?

Okay, I'm trying to get my cat back from my neighbor.

Sure, that's more like a mission and less of a hobby. So what are some things that you like to do for fun, for enjoyment in your life? Maybe Netflix and chill.

I like googling what things taste like and then I'll eat the thing and I'll pretend I can taste it.

Oh, that feels maybe sadder. That feels maybe sadder than what would just be living with the way that you are.

Huh? Hey, I'm so glad we matched on Tinder. You look just like- Me too. I had a rough day. Same.

Yay!

We did the perfect scene. Yay, we did the perfect scene. And by perfect scene, I mean it was just okay because of me and then Adal did the perfect outline. Thank you Adal, JPC.

The funny part is if you're ever at an improv show and there's two people, one of them is a very big character, one of them is obviously the straight man character, and then someone tags out the big character to do a scene with his... I've seen that happen before and I'm like, what are you doing? What did you think? Every once in a while that's so funny though.

Possibly gonna take someone else.

Did you just want to do another scene as a big character but you didn't want to do the hard work of setting that character up? You just want to go off, Queen. Very fun. Okay, and back to chill. Back to chill. Back to chill.

Yes, chill.

Oh, everything's nice. Back in Body Works.

Good warm-up.

Okay, this next warm-up. Picture a shark, too big, pull back. Scale back. Pull out.

Just remember how anthropology smells. Too good, scale back.

This next one is from a person who appears to have two first names, John David, and I'll let you guess the order. John David, would you create fucking Garfield, bitch?

John David, did you have fun sailing with your friend?

Yep. Great. So John David says, I couldn't sleep and I was really listening to the podcast. Have you guys considered recording a bunch so I can binge just like I found a three year old podcast? Well, good news, John, you sent this message August of 2018. So we basically have already done that for you. So I hope you're still listening. But John sent this warm up.

We weren't even a month in.

I know. Erin wasn't born yet.

I hadn't even been born yet.

Erin was only 21 years old.

I was only 21 years old.

Okay, here's the Riddle from John. Loves the podcast, makes him very happy. Can't wait for more. Okay. Old woman Susie has 10 candles on a table near a window. She, irresponsibly, walks away with the candles lit and the window open. When she comes back, two candles have burnt out. Deciding to do nothing, she continues a better day. By the end of the day, she comes back to find one more candle burnt out. I know it. Princess Di. Thank you. Susie, pretending to be a responsible homeowner, closes the window and goes to bed with the candles still lit like a dang idiot.

How many candles does she wake up to? Okay, so this is bad because it's confusing. So towards you and there's only one candle lit and then it goes out. And that says how many does she wake up to? So she wakes up to 10 candles because it didn't ask lit candles.

She has 10 candles on her table. She walks away on a table near a window. She walks away with the candles lit and the window open. When she comes back, two candles have burned out. decided to do nothing she can do about a day by the end of the day she comes back to find one more candle burnout she shuts the window she goes to sleep and when she yeah I'm sorry pretending to be the responsible homeowner she closes the window goes to bed with the candles still lit like a dang idiot how many candles does she wake up to ten Okay, that's incorrect.

No, I'm sorry. She wakes up to, so there's ten in the candle holder, but what's unsaid... Uh, Menorah. Menorah, sorry, candle lover Menorah. What's unsaid is that the morning she wakes up is her 21st birthday, so there's 31 candles. Uh, there's 37 dresses. I am 31 candles and then some... Is it like the math of this matter?

Uh, what?

I want to see a scene. The specifics, yes. I want to see a scene.

The specifics of this riddle matter.

I want to see a scene. Jake, you are Cogsworth. I'll be playing Lumiere. Erin, you are Belle, and Cogsworth and I and Lumiere are introducing ourselves to you, and you are, it's not, you can't, your brain can't process it, and you're freaking out.

Wow, I really wish I hadn't just wandered into this cold castle looking for- Bonjour!

Greetings! I am a candle, and this is a big clock.

Does he talk?

No. What, you think everything talks here?

Yeah, I assume because you talked. No. Do you two have a thing?

Yes, we're fucking.

Okay.

I have a song about it. Do you want to hear it?

Yeah, I do.

Nine, two, five, feel alive. Fuck a cock and I'm sorry. Can I be honest? I did not have a song. 4 p.m. No, it's noon. It's noon, Cogsworth. What do we say at noon? What do we say at noon? Welcome, welcome to Say it, Cogsworth.

He doesn't talk.

So what's your deal? How old are you?

Me?

Yeah. What are you, 45?

Ew, that's the worst first question.

45?

That's the worst first question to ask a person.

46?

I'm 20 or something like that. Did you notice? I'm Belle. I have a song about it.

Oh, okay.

I am Belle. Yes, I am. Do you want a piece of hemp? Is it nothing better than fucking a clock? Can I be honest? They didn't have a song.

My child, the child.

Belle, Belle, Belle. I let you stay here in my castle. And don't get me wrong. I love that you're here. But ever since you showed up, I have noticed that you know my big clock in the hallway?

Yeah.

Well, someone's been fucking it. And I know it's not me, because I would destroy that clock. There wouldn't be no clock.

Beast, it's not... Hypothetically, there could be a few people in the castle fucking this clock.

No, it's just you and me in this castle. There's no other people here.

Oh, I mean, but some of the... I just... But remember when the teacup sang Taylor's Oldest Time and I danced around the ballroom with that clock?

Knock, knock, knock, Beast. I'm here to fuck your clock.

It's my dad. It was guest on, but I made it my dad. It was guest on, but I made it my dad. That's not my little improv trick thing.

Was it guest on or guest lighting? No one guest lights like guest on. Yes, Erin, the specific amount of candles in this riddle does matter to get the answer.

Okay, then read it again.

Okay, I will read it one more time. Old woman Susie has 10 candles on a table near a window. She walks away with the candles lit and the window open. When she comes back, two candles have burnt out. Deciding to do nothing, she continues about her day. By the end of the day, she comes back to find one more candle has gone out. Susie, pretending to be responsible, closes the window and goes to bed with the candles still lit. How many candles does she wake up to?

Eight.

Doesn't she say she leaves with the candles and when she comes back, two are out? So she have two candles on this?

She walks away with the candles lit. She walks away, all the candles are lit.

Oh I see. She walks away while the candles are lit. She doesn't walk away with the candles.

No. The candles are lit when she comes back, two of them are out. She comes back again, another one has gone out.

Seven?

So when you say out, that means the candles left to like go party?

Well the window's closed now.

So the window's closed now.

But is that why the candles were going out before?

Yes, because a gust from the window was blowing candles out. Come to my candles. So it's not zero. Blow my candles out.

It's not zero and it's not seven.

No, it's not zero and it's not seven and this is a warm up.

Is it a number or is this like a trick rule? It is a number.

You could literally just- One. One.

No, it's not one. Two. Two. Uh-uh. Three. Three. Great, you got it.

And we'll just move on. 69. Explain the riddle to us.

Is it like because the certain amount of hours that pass? What is it?

No. So it's three because the three candles that the wind blew out are still candles. The other candles have all burned away in the night, so they are no longer candles.

That makes so much sense. I like that one.

How short are these candles that they're burning away in the night? Let me see. John says- It's a bad candle. Very short. These are bad candles. John said that they were very short. Thank you so much for your riddle, John. Riddle John. Yeah. Riddle John Robin Hood. So this next one is, let me just double check. This is coming from Andrew. Andrew includes in a PS. They love the show. Andrew includes in a PS that my wife wants to be best friends with Erin. How long ago was that, though? This is 2015, so this was quite a while ago. This is from September of 2018. The warm-up riddle that Andrew has suggested is this. Where do Russians keep their armies?

Up Their Sleepy's.

Up Their Sleepy's. Congratulations. In fairness, Andrew also included some more riddles that we've already done, but I really liked that Up Their Sleepy's joke.

In middle school, we had these math problem sheets where you decoded it by doing math, and then you could figure out the answer to a joke, and that was one of them. And I thought it was so funny the first time I heard it.

Do you remember the math that you did to get that answer?

There's probably like X equals like another fucking letter. Some shit.

All right. Moving right along. This is a warm up riddle from Chris.

Chris says... I want to see a scene. Okay. Erin, Jips and I are in your class and you are a math teacher who despises math.

Okay guys, I know I'm 20 minutes late and I'm holding a Starbucks, so just do this. Um, anyone have any questions on the homework?

Um, Mrs. Division?

What?

Um, your homework didn't include math at all.

Oh, okay. Uh, was that my question or did I ask if you had any questions about the homework?

You're right, I'm sorry.

Mrs. Division, I have a question. You said that you were holding a Starbucks, but you're holding three cake pops?

Yeah. I got them from Starbucks.

Is any item that you get at Starbucks a Starbucks?

Yeah. You get one of those like sad egg sandwiches, that's a Starbucks. You get a water, a Starbucks. You leave with the key to their bathroom, that's a Starbucks.

Oh, I see. This is a test. So three cake pops. Each cake pop is $1.89.

No, no, no, no, no. That's like nails on a chalkboard to me. I hate numbers. I have to go shower.

Oh, so you do know that we have a chalkboard. You know what that is, right? Because you've never used it. And most of our other teachers who have taught us math have used it to put- They're still using chalkboards and not smart boards? It's a very poor school. This is rural Oklahoma.

Then why do I have a smart board? Wow, I make a little doodle and then I can move it.

That's just a regular board. That's a regular chalkboard with a graduation hat on it.

Yeah, smart board.

And you wrote smart on it.

I'm an innovator. Okay. Yeah. You know what? I'm tired of this.

Miss Division, do you not like your job?

What does that mean?

Well, it seems like you don't ever have an interest in teaching us math and we're all very eager to learn math, which is a rarity in this world. Yeah.

When we had a substitute, when we had Miss Nomaren, she taught us all of geometry in one day.

Oh, really? Wow.

Are you being sarcastic?

No, that's amazing. Ask me a question about math. I'll answer it. Okay. Will you be, will you get off my back and let me, I'm watching Ally McBeal for the first time and I'd like to get back to it.

Okay. What's the Pythagorean theorem?

Okay. That's, I love that question and it is X equals, which one is this? What is the Pythagorean? What is it actually?

I don't know. I just saw it in our textbooks. We're in your class. We shouldn't know. Don't Google it.

No, I'm just googling it as a joke.

You're touching the smart board again. That's not going to get you anywhere. I don't think you know what a joke is. And also, do you know how to spell Pythagorean?

I don't want to tell you how I did it.

You wrote on the chalkboard and you wrote out pathetic Korean. I've also never seen someone google while they're with three cake pops in one hand.

Yeah, your image results are for- It seems that the area of the square whose side is the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the areas.

Why are you on a mire? I want your bird to fly into your mouth.

It's A squared plus B squared equals C squared.

Teaching is thankless everyone, and they are our true, teachers are our true frontline warriors.

A crumb from my meal earlier just went down my throat.

Everyone write a postcard to a teacher right now. We'll wait. Mm-hmm. No, we won't.

A moment of silence for all of our teachers.

My sister is a elementary school teacher.

And she's teaching remotely?

Yeah, she is. And every day she's one of my favorite people to listen to.

Sorry, is this Molly?

Yeah, she's one of my favorite people to listen, read out loud. Like she's so, her voice is so dynamic, it's so good. And she sends me, she's reading Wayside School, the newest Wayside School to her students. And she sends me a chapter a day that she sends them of her reading it and it is so soothing. Ten out of ten.

I hope the publishers of Wayside School don't hear this because it sounds like what she's doing is theft.

Yeah, you know what? They should sue her because she is Mrs. Money Buckets.

She's got text from Lewis Sacker.

She teaches me so much money.

Wow, yeah, Sacker's pissed. Sacker's pissed. Sacker's bloated gasket. He's losing a whole lot of money. Amazing. This is another one. This is a warm up riddle from Chris. Chris says, what is the least spoken language in the world? Sumerian. Ancient Sumerian. Sign language. Erin gets it right. That's right. It is sign language. It's not a spoken language. Chris says, thanks for being hilarious, y'all. Hashtag Keif it real. Science, science everywhere, science.

Isn't that weird?

Wow, that is weird.

This is not even my shirt. This is Sean's.

That email is from 2018. Holy crap. And Erin's wearing the shirt. Okay. There's one more of these warm up riddles that I want to get to. This one is from Laurel. Laurel, say... Yes, fuck. It's from Laurel Canyon. God damn it. This one is... I think that... I don't know. Maybe it's a little harder. Oh, I'm sorry. She included two. Laurel sent a warm up riddle and then a riddle. We'll get to both. Laurel says, love the podcast. Happy to push as many of my friends into listening to it as possible. It inspired me to write a riddle. So this is the riddle that Laurel actually wrote. A bit of land to call my own. A sneaky scheme to take the throne. Find me displaying natural log or between pro and epilogue. What am I? Shakespeare.

Oh, I can already tell this is amazing. It's Shakespeare! Adal, you got it?

It is? No, it's not, of course not. No, it's not.

Could you read it again? This is really cool.

Okay, I'll read it again. A bit of land to call my own. A sneaky scheme to take the throne. Find me displaying natural log, or between pro and epilogue. Find me displaying natural log. Does that mean like taking a shit? Yes. That's the only way to display natural log. That's what I said. I'm like, whoa. That guy over there is displaying natural log.

So it's like prologue and epilogue. Is it a book thing?

So I will say that this is a word that has a lot of different meanings and each line in this is a different meaning for the word. So I'll read it one more time.

A bit of land to call my own. Cool. Let's stop there. Erin and I. A bit of land to call my own. That would be like a frontiers person. This would be like a deed to the land. This would be like a farmer. A bit of land to call my own. Acre.

This is good. This is a smart way to do this. I think you guys are doing it smart. Can I go on to the next one? You're percolating things.

A sneaky scheme to take the throne. Great. A sneaky scheme to take the throne would be subterfuge or that would be like... What's it called when you, like a kangaroo court, when you like overthrow a captain? It's like, what is that called? Captain Kangaroo.

Captain Kangaroo! When you... Mutiny.

Mutiny, you serp the throne.

Ah, a mutiny of land. What are you usurping on? So you guys are on the right track. This word I would say is a very simple word. Here's the next one. Find me displaying natural log. You won't get that one, so we'll move on. And then here's the final one. Or between pro and epilogue.

So between pro and epilogue, we have pro log, monologue, and epilogue. Was it mono?

No, no, no. I mean, so Erin's right on the right track with story.

Story, book, pages.

Yeah, so it's the thing in between the prologue and the epilogue.

Characters.

Conflict, climax. But remember, it's also something that you would call a bit of land. Parcel. And it's also a sneaky scheme. This is great. I love this Riddle. And you guys are struggling. Oh, I got it. I got it.

Plot.

Yeah, it is plot. Very, very nice. Thank you for sending that in almost a year and a half ago. That was awesome. And then Laurel also includes this riddle, and this riddle has a title, which is something I absolutely love. This riddle is called Josephine's Problem. Ready? Josephine's Problem. In Josephine's kingdom, every woman has to pass a logic exam before being allowed to marry. Every married woman knows about the fidelity of every man in the kingdom except for her own husband. An etiquette demands that no woman should be told about the fidelity of her husband. So you know about the fidelity of every other couple in the kingdom, and I guess it's all straight monogamous relationships, but you don't know about the fidelity of your own husband. Also, a gunshot fired in any house in the kingdom will be heard in any other house. Queen Josephine announced that at least one unfaithful man, at least one unfaithful man, had been discovered in the kingdom, and that any woman, knowing her husband to be unfaithful, was required to shoot him at midnight following the day after she discovered his infidelity. Okay, hold on. So far you're just describing a perfect world. A perfect world. How did the wives manage this? Remember, they cannot communicate to each other. I want to say gut instinct.

It's gut. It's a women's intuition.

Women just know.

I think I know the answer. I think the answer is if all women just shoot and kill their husbands, there's nobody left to dispute the infidelity. Well, I believe that would be one answer.

That's not the correct answer. But it is correct to believe women, so when all the women of the king did kill their husbands, the right response is correct.

I guess have all of them say, I don't know.

So at least one of them was shot and killed and you said no. So Queen Josephine said in the kingdom, she announced there's at least one unfaithful man that has been discovered and that any woman knowing her husband to be unfaithful was required to shoot him at midnight. And then what are we trying to solve? How did the wives manage this? How did they manage to do this when they can't communicate to each other? So you as a wife, Adal, let's make you walk a mile in a wife's shoes. You as a wife know about the infidelity or the fidelity of everyone else in the kingdom except your own husband. And every other wife is in that same position.

Well, if you can't tell the other wives, I could tell another person's husband and they could relay the information to another wife.

No, you can't communicate in any way with the other people via the husband or the wife.

Okay, what if I walked in and caught my spouse cheating?

Can you ask your spouse?

Nope. You can't talk to them. You can only use the information that was presented to get it across. You can't talk to anyone or anything. I got it.

I got it. And it's also a famous song. Let me smell that dick. Everybody smells their husband's dick.

No, you can't use dick smells.

Wouldn't one of the other wives know if she had been unfaithful?

I love how casually you said, no, we can't use dick smells.

Yes. So if you exist in the kingdom, let's say that you're a wife in the kingdom and the queen announces someone has been unfaithful, you would already know about it, Erin. Everyone in the kingdom would know about it except the person who's gotten cheated on.

Couldn't the woman who cheated on the guy with

Nope.

He couldn't say like, I didn't cheat on my husband.

It does not involve anyone communicating with anyone. That is not the answer.

It's a sound thing?

Did two husbands sleep with each other in a wife song? It is a sound thing. I'm sorry? Did two husbands sleep with each other in a wife song?

No. It doesn't have anything to do with who cheated or why they cheated or communicating that they cheated. The information in the riddle is the only thing that you need to solve it.

So it's a sound thing. The important part is you can hear a gunshot from all the other places.

Yeah, a gunshot fired in any house in the kingdom will be heard in any other house. And at least one person has been ordered, the queen has ordered at least one man to die, basically. And so we're trying to figure out how the wives did this, but what is this? How did the wife manage to uncover who was the cheater and who wasn't? But did the queen just say that? Yes, I mean, the Queen is given this order. The order will be followed, but how do you know to shoot your husband, basically? That's the question.

How do you know to go ahead and shoot your husband?

And it's because it's something you haven't heard.

I mean... You can't.

You're not talking to anyone. It has to be a different sense.

Did one of the women get pregnant from... Is there like a... Nothing noticeable like that. Is there like a 100 year old man and his wife is pregnant?

You guys are adding all of these extra details that I've told you multiple times are not part of it. We're trying to make it more exciting.

It's a little bit confusing because how could you communicate something without talking?

What sound are they using? The only sound that matters is the sound of the gunshot. It sounds like a Bob Dylan song.

Someone shoots a gun up into the air and then they react to that.

I don't know. I'm done with this. Can you tell us what the answer is? And the rain falls in South Dakota, all upon the plains. And the trees grow in strange ways tonight. Me and Cinderella had it all together.

No, that's Jacob Billy. Wow. Okay, Erin's done. Adal? Mercy? Yeah, okay. I will do the mercy roll. If you are a wife and you believe that everyone in the kingdom is being fidelity, is not cheating, if you are a wife and you believe that everyone in the kingdom has not cheated, and the queen announces someone has cheated, the only one that you know that you can be sure of or not be sure of is your husband, which means your husband is the cheater. So if at night it rings midnight and there's one gunshot, we know we got the cheater. But if you exist in the community and you know that there's at least like your wife and you know there's at least one person who has cheated, you'll wait till midnight. The gunshot will go off and you're like, great, the cheater has been found. But if the gunshot doesn't go off, then you know that there's at least two cheaters in the kingdom. This has a huge format.

I love this.

What if the women are using silencers? That's true, Adal. And it does say a gunshot fired in any house in the kingdom will be heard in any other house. So you found the hole in the woman's riddle by just blatantly not listening to one critical piece of information for the riddle.

How does that feel, Laurel? I didn't hear what you just said, but we are going to take a nice relaxing little break.

Oh yeah, we're all chill.

Just a real calm break. So go ahead and close your eyes. Let these advertisements wash over you and we'll be right back with more Hey Riddle Riddle. Shoot your husbands cheating on you.

Hey you guys, can I tell you something?

Yeah, I wish you were.

Yeah, I just needed to let somebody know I love being comfy cozy.

Oh, yeah, I think I think everyone does. I just hung up on my dad for you to tell me that.

Well, it's an emergency. I just want you to know I love sitting at home and being comfy cozy. I just have one, like, small issue.

My couch is like... His was an emergency, too, as a heart transplant. Yeah, we had to meet you in a Catholic confessional for this.

JBC, what you're saying is boring, and Adal, what you're saying is true, but we're all here and I have this emergency. Can you help me?

Okay, yes, yes, yes, yes. It's comfy cozy.

I need a couch to achieve the highest level of comfy cozy. Do you have an answer for me? Please say you do.

No, I have no answer. Erin, if you would shut up for one minute, I have your solution. Oh? You know Helix, our favorite mattress to use?

Ah, yeah, I do.

I know the company Helix and the product they sell. Yeah, they sent me a King mattress. It's the most comfortable mattress I've ever been on. I get the most beautiful sleep of all time, and it's huge. Well, they now have a furniture company called Allform. And you know what? They sent me... Say what? Yeah, it's called Allform. And because furniture takes on all forms, and guess what? They sent me a couch. I got a four-seater double chaise in teal with espresso legs, and it's the most comfortable I've ever been on a couch.

It also sounds really delicious.

It is delicious. Can you eat it? Well, you can drink the espresso legs, but you can't eat the couch. Okay, okay. And myself, Gemma, brisket, and fries, all four of us fit on this couch while lying vertical, and we are the most comfortable family in the world.

Well Adal, it must have been like really difficult to get, you know, and like pick out what you wanted, right? I don't know.

It arrived to my door in about eight boxes, eight or nine boxes. Very simple to carry upstairs. I didn't have to call any friends. I didn't have to get anybody's help to lug a couch up the stairs. It arrives in separate boxes, and then once you unbox it, they all just click together. All the pizzas click... oh pizzas, now I'm hungry. All the pieces click together, and it took us about half an hour, 25 minutes, to snap it all together and assemble it. The easiest thing I've ever put together in my life.

I do not care. I'm not buying a sofa without sitting on it first, okay? It's too much risk for me.

Does all four of them have a solution for jerks like me? Well, you can either come over to my house, which isn't possible right now, or you can try a sofa out for a hundred days. You get to decide if you want to keep it. That's more than three months. That's better than you deserve. Do you agree? I'm not joking. That's more than three months? I'm doing months wrong.

Yes.

Oh my god, I'm gonna cry.

All that and a warranty that lasts forever.

Forever warranty. They have forever, literally forever warranty.

Okay, I'm sold. I want to buy one of these. How do I do it? Where do I go?

Yeah, what's the deal? How do I get my disgusting hands on one of these couches?

How do I get my dirty little pizza mitts on one of these couches? Okay, for your filthy hands and your dirty pizza mitts, you're going to take out your computer, use those nasty little digits, and you're going to type out allform.com slash riddle. That's allform, A-L-L-F-O-R-M dot com slash riddle, and guess what? What? You're going to get 20% off alt orders for listeners of Hey Riddle by going to allform.com slash allform.

Can you say it one more time?

Yes, you little piggies. Listen up to the slop. I'm dumping in your trough. The most comfortable couch I've ever had. We are over the moon. Please get one of these and send me pictures of you laying on it.

Well, I feel like I got the information I needed. JPC, you can call your pharmacist back or whatever was happening.

It's too late. My pharmacist is gone.

And pull your spine up one vertebrae at a time. Put your head aligned with the stars and you're accepting the starlight into your body and out of your butt, into your body.

Let the starlight pull your vertebrae out of your butt. Let it rip your spine through your anus. Just straight out of your ass. Let the elastic nature of your sphincter open up to your spinal cord and brain stem.

Hey guys, I'm back from the bathroom when I'm late.

Good! Nothing, nothing.

Why are you both shirtless?

This is an experiment for school. No, no, no. We're not shirtless. We're not doing school. We don't go to school anymore. We don't go to school.

We're adults. I want riddles.

Oh, Erin finally wants riddles.

I'm hungry hungry hungry for riddles riddles riddles.

Well, my little my little Erin hippo. Let's see how hunky hunky hunky you are when you realize that we are going back to the blue. I'm full. I'm actually good. I ate before. I do actually have some good news for you guys. We are done with the blue book. Woo! Section one. We now move into the next section. Miss leading.

Casey is laughing so hard.

Miss leading. Nothing.

Come on.

The first section of the blue book that we worked in was called clever puzzles. And now we move on to tricky puzzles. Are you guys, are you ready for some tricky puzzles?

I'm so sorry. I do have to do a dead stop at those being clever puzzles.

Did you misspeak? Imagine how tricky these must be if those were how clever the other ones were.

Oh, I'm sorry. I have to do a dad stop real quick. Hey kids, knock it off.

Sorry, my kids were banging on the closet. You know what? Hold on. That is going to be a dad stop. Give me one second.

Kevin!

Okay. Kevin. Hold on.

I got a dad. Stop. Hey, Amanda. Where's my Dodge Durango? Where is my Dodge Durango?

And that's going to be a dad. Stop. Hi, hungry. I'm dad. I don't have kids.

I don't have kids. Adal and I do. Together. We're raising a son together. We're raising a son together and we're doing lots of love. His name is Amanda Kevin. We decided to give him our two names after our two favorite actors, Amanda Pete and Kevin Pete. Her husband. Her husband is a commercial actor. He's lesser known. This riddle is called the tracks of my tires. Mmm, another Dylan song. Yeah, tracks on my tires. The police found a murder victim and they noticed a pair of tire tracks leading to and from the body.

That's not a big accomplishment to find a murder victim. That's easy. Any cop can do that. Yeah, it says these guys were really trying to steal a lot of glory for that, but...

It's always a guy with his dog. I listen to a lot of murder podcasts and it's 99% of the time it's either two people on a date or a guy with his dog who find a body.

The last two series like The Outsider on HBO and Dead To Me Season 2 both have dead bodies found by dogs.

Also, Erin, I read like a blog post because I was like trying to think about like, oh, what are some like date ideas during lockdown? And one of the top ones was like, top 10 date ideas during lockdown. One of them was stumble across a body with your significant other. Helps solve the mystery.

You have a joint trauma. That'll do it.

But this does say the police found a murder victim. So it sounds like the police found them, which means like, who are you interviewing? What witness was there? The police? You gonna interview the police? Good luck to you. Anyway, that's just some of my stand-up. And they noticed a pair of tire tracks leading to and from the body. They followed the tracks to a nearby farmhouse where two women and a man were sitting on the porch. There was no car at the farmhouse and none of the three could drive. The police arrested the man. Why would they do that?

Men are more violent.

Men are more violent and you use profiling to figure out who is more violent. Men are more violent. Turtle power. The answer is it doesn't matter. They arrested a random one because they are going to use illegal techniques to force a confession. And it's going to be thrown out in court by a good lawyer, our only defense.

There's tire tracks leading to a farm. They get to the farm. There's no car, but there's two women and a guy sitting on a porch, and none of them can drive. No car at the farmhouse, none of the three could drive.

So what happened was they went to the farmhouse, maybe the guy drove, the dead body drove not when he was dead.

I was working on the curb late one night when a car rode up with a man inside.

I think maybe the car went from the farmhouse.

I think maybe the car went from the house to the opposite direction.

Driving in reverse or whatever. Maybe the car ended up where the dead guy was. Um, so they didn't find a car at all.

Okay.

Yeah, not where the dead man was, not at the farmhouse.

So here's, here's my theory. Okay. So you don't have to, you don't have to drive a car to move it. So maybe they put it in neutral and he pushed it. So maybe his hands were covered in like car. What's on the back of a car?

Like bumper stickers, bumper sticker paint. Um, so wait, wait, wait, hold on. Shut up. Shut your fucking mouth. Bumper sticker paint. Paint, that paints on a bumper sticker. Oh my god. This idea sucks.

You can let everyone know that your kids went to fucking Clemson. Everyone's kids go to Clemson. How is that possible?

I have a bumper sticker that says my kid was suspended from Clemson.

No, one of my best friends went to Clemson. It's a very good school, but I feel like I see that bumper sticker a lot.

One of my kids is in the band Clem Snide, so different Clems for different fams. Different Clems. Is it that there's something on his hands that indicate that he pushed the car?

No, I love that though. Something on his hands.

Then why did the tire marks even matter if there's no car?

Interesting, Erin.

That's... Suss that out and you've got the answer. I got it. So he didn't have to drive a car because the bottom half of his body is a car. It's car man. He is a bumblebee. It's car max.

Oh, is it bike tires? Is it like a different kind of tire?

It is not bike tires. I'll say that much.

Tractor tires.

No. So if none of them can drive...

Wagon tires. Here's a couple clues. The police didn't ask any questions, but merely used their powers of observation. Man was holding a gun. Nope. Next one is, when the police arrived, none of the three suspects was carrying a weapon or wearing blood stained clothing. And the police correctly deduced that the man was the murderer. So they did get it right. It was the man, not the two women.

So if there's two women and a man on the porch and then there's a dead man, we can assume that the dead man in the woods was cheating on his wife because there's a gunshot. A. Mer. Yes.

What was the tire? What made the tire marks?

Erin, my girl, that's the crux of it. You almost have it, my dear.

Can we ask yes or no questions? Yes. Wheelbarrow? Were the tire marks made by a car? Hold on, Erin's first yes or no question was wheelbarrow?

You know. No. Were the tire marks made by a car? No.

Were they made by a tractor?

No.

Were they made by something that was in the barn?

No. Were they made by something you drive?

Something you drive. I guess not exactly.

Were they made by something that they found later? Like did they see the thing that made the tire marks?

They saw it immediately.

It wasn't something that they found later. Was he painting tire marks on the ground?

No. Here, I'll read this again. The police found a murder victim and they noticed a pair of tire tracks leading to and from the body. They followed the tracks to a nearby farmhouse. Listen to this. Where two men, I'm sorry, where two women and a man were sitting on the porch. Sitting On the porch. Oh, wheelchair. Yeah, buddy. The man was in a wheelchair and he was a murderer. Well, we assume. I mean, he rolled away from a dead body. That could mean anything. He could have just found it. Anyway, the guy's going to fucking jail and the police has zero questions. Does that seem right? No. Bad country. Burn it down. Next terrible riddle, please. This next terrible riddle also has a terrible title. This terrible title is The Upset Woman. It's just a picture of Erin after she's recorded three episodes of the podcast. Yeah, that's funny.

I like that joke.

Well, I mean, really, one episode, half an episode, 10 minutes of the first episode, just the ads. When the woman saw him, she was upset, even though she had never seen him before. She'd left some food for him because she knew he would be hungry. Devil, the devil. But he could not reach the food because he had an iron bar across his back. He died soon after and the woman was pleased.

Mouse or rat? It's a mouse or rat in a trap.

It's pole dog. Okay, I would like to see a scene. Adal, you are going to be playing pole dog. So Erin and I are going to be watching like Saturday morning cartoons and they're going to try to show her a new character to Saturday morning cartoons and it's going to be pole dog.

Okay, I got my Froot Loops.

Hmm, I love Saturday morning cartoons.

Hey kids, it's me, Paul Dog. Who are you voting for in the upcoming primaries?

We're kids, we can't vote. Well, he can't hear us.

Not voting is rough. What? Should we know who this character is? Not voting is rough. Oh, you repeated it. But I'd be dog gone if I'm gonna let you not vote. So what you need to do is take your parents' wallets, take out their IDs, and vote for them. That's Scooby Doo. I think that is Scooby Doo. I'm so high. Let me make a sandwich because of all the weed in my system. Wait a minute. Bread, then meat, then a magazine, then mustard. Bread, then a magazine, then mustard, and cats. Why is he emphasizing a maggot in magazine?

He's hitting that maggot part really hard in magazine.

Why is he doing that?

I'm gonna go get mom. Yeah, please do. Oh, he's cutting out of the TV. Oh my god. Holy shit.

I'm trying.

That's a horror movie.

Bulldog. He goes down to the TV.

I want to see another scene. OK. JPC, you are a mouse or a rat, whatever you decide. Sure. You are in a mouse trap and your pride is a little bruised and you're trying to talk Adal out of like throwing you away or killing you. Adal, you're the one who set the trap. You're the human. So, JPC, try to charm your way out of this one.

Oh, gross. Oh, it's still moving. Hey, gorgeous. Me? Yeah, you.

Oh, you think I'm gorgeous? I don't know. Is there another stunning drop to 10 in this kitchen? Oh, my back hurts because all the bloods rush into my dongle dingle dang. Anyway. You look beautiful.

Hey, honey, baby, gorgeous. I don't like the way you're talking to me. I'm going to go ahead and throw you in the trash here. Hold on. You're absolutely right. That was a test.

Men are pigs and they should not talk to smart, intelligent women the way that I was doing. Hey, here's a, oh boy, why don't, you know what, why don't we do this? Why don't we reset, hard reset. You're lifting up my skirt. No, no. How could I? You lift this piece of metal. With your little hands. Okay, okay. You lift this piece of metal off my back and then I give you a back massage. Huh? Who doesn't love a back massage?

I don't want a back massage from you. You're a rat. You're a rat. No, that's gross.

Okay. Oh, fair enough. Fair enough.

I see what's going on. I see what's going on. You're desperate. You want to save your own life. So you're saying I'm beautiful, even though I don't have a boyfriend or anybody significant in my life. So I'm just going to go ahead and throw you in the trash and be done with this.

That's a crime. That's a crime. That is a crime for you not to have a boyfriend. How does someone like you not have a boyfriend? What are you doing? Hold on. You know what I can do? Dating profile. I know I'm a rat. I know I'm a rat. I know I'm a rat, but rats see everything. I know what guys like. I know what ladies like. I, maybe we do that back massage thing.

We do that trade that you- Hey ratty, what are you doing laying over there? Get up and come give me a kiss.

Okay, just let me die. Are you dating Coco Cashmere? No, no, no, let me die. I'm a mouse! Let me die, let me die. I'd actually prefer it. No, no, no. Here, I'll let you go. I'll let you go and set you back in your house here.

Are you kidding? I'm a human woman. And I get back of the trap a snap.

Oh boy, oh boy. I'm mad at me.

Truly didn't mean to do that, boys.

The mouse that runs back into the trap. All right, this next riddle, this next riddle, again, pretty tricky, tricky puzzles. It's called Bertha's Travels. Every day Bertha travels 30 miles in the course of her work. She doesn't travel in a wheeled vehicle and never has problems with traffic, the police, weather, or airports. What does she do? She travels 30 miles every day, but she never has trouble with police or the airport.

She is a Disney Imagineer, and every day she goes to work, gets on a rollercoaster, and tests it out.

Rollercoaster. Rollercoaster's a good answer, but no, that is not correct.

She's a rollercoaster doctor.

Okay, I need to see a really quick scene.

Is there a doctor on this rollercoaster?

My name is Dr. Rollercoaster.

Adal, I want to see you just trying to come home after your day job, which is just riding roller coasters all day. And JPC, you are that person's partner.

Hey sweetie. Oh, hey Kyle. Yeah, I'm just gonna lay down.

We had a rough day today. Yeah, we said we would make dinner together when you came home. Remember?

Yeah. Yeah. I know I said that, but

Hey Eric.

I want you to be here with me and I want you to make dinner and I want you to give a shit about it.

Mom, why don't you just call him Kyle and then Eric? Well, I called him Kyle because that's our little cutesy name, and Eric is his middle name, and that's how he knows I'm being serious. And by the way, I thought we sent you to boarding school.

Okay, I'll go back. I ran away again. We'll stop doing that.

Honey, come back. Honey, come back. I know, listen, I know that the last year's been a real emotional rollercoaster, but the ups and downs are gonna flatten out, okay?

Stop talking about work, Dad! God!

How would you like it, Kyle Erickson, how would you like it if I came home every day and talked about the hospital?

You do come home every day and talk about the hospital.

Well now, because I'm using it as an example of how you would like it if I... Do I really? Oh my god, I talk about the hospital constantly.

All you do is show me pictures of people who died.

And I don't even work there. What am I doing? What am I doing? What are you doing? Kyle, I'm so sorry. You know what? You were right. I was wrong. You talk about your work.

I talk about the hospital that I- Hey mom, dad, I'm back again. The boarding school shut down because it's too spooky and sad. And not enough people were making any friends there.

I'm glad they shut it down. It was a bad place and we're sorry that- Yeah, yeah, it shut down. Okay, just let me call the principal and verify.

Yeah, but call my number instead.

Call your number?

Yeah, yeah, my cell phone number.

I gave it to them. Okay, and it's ringing. I see the logic there. It's ringing.

Oh, and our child's going around the corner.

Hello, is this Principal Anderson?

Yes, I am from the planet Gouda. Wait a second.

That's the cheese planet. Say it.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. You didn't get the name of the cheese planet right.

I am embarrassed.

I'm embarrassed too, and I'm embarrassed for you guys, because neither one of you has- Cheddar B. Cheddar B. Biscuits. Biscuits. There was this whole thing with people getting into a fight at a Red Lobster a few weeks ago. It was all over Twitter, and it was like a Red Lobster somewhere where the stay-at-home people were demanding it be opened and then were getting upset because they were waiting three hours for their Red Lobster. And I thought about like doing something on Twitter to like, hey Adal, Erin, this is our experience at Red Lobster too. But then the whole thing just made me so sad. Yeah.

I loved Red Lobster and also it's so funny that this came up because today I was looking online because they sell like kits for making gluten-free cheddar bay biscuits.

Yeah.

But it's so expensive. The gluten-free ones are twice as expensive. Oh, the gluten-free ones are?

Yeah.

So I don't think I'm going to buy it because it's too much money.

I was using Mariano's like order the groceries and then you just go to the store and pick it up and they put it right in your car, which we did for the first time today. And it was a great experience. And I know a person who works at Mariano's was like, we would much rather you do that than come into the store because we work here and we don't want you to come into the store. So that's my little PSA. But anyway, we did that and I was looking online at like, I was like, I want some cereal. And there was like 40 pages of cereal because of course there fucking is. But the gluten free cereal, Which is cereal gluten-free? Because the gluten-free cereal was cheaper than the regular cereal.

I've never seen... Cheerios are gluten-free.

Yeah, okay. Any food that's fucking nastier than other food is going to be cheaper. No, no, no. Gluten-free food is very expensive. Your Beyond Beef is going to be cheaper than a steak. Your Gluten-Free cereal is going to be cheaper than Tasty Tasty regular cereal.

Guys, my bagels are expensive.

Feel sorry for me.

Welcome back to another episode of Gluten Free Cereal. Adnan Saeed.

Hello? Accepting a call from General Mills? You mean Asia Malone? What's her name? Asia? Uh, Sarah Mills. No, you guys haven't gotten used to this riddle yet. How are you going to solve Bertha's travels?

Can you read it one more time?

Yeah, please. Every day Bertha travels 30 miles in the curse of her work. She doesn't travel in a wheeled vehicle and never has problems with traffic, the police, weather, or airports. What does she do?

She works as a tube, a pneumatic tube in a bank.

No, it's not a pneumatic tube in a bank, and Erin, it's not a dog walker. And she might have trouble with weather as a dog walker.

Is she like a peloton instructor or something?

Yeah, like a... No, so she's not on a stationary anything. She is actually moving. She's actually moving but not in a wheeled vehicle. Exactly. 30 miles in the course of her day, work day. Train? But traffic, no, because traffic, police, weather, or airports don't ever get in her way. She's a helicopter queen?

Does she travel with other people?

Yes, she does. She travels with other people. Adal, she's not a helicopter queen.

Does she run the teacups ride at Disney World?

She does not run the teacups ride at Disney World.

The people who run the ride rarely get on it. So 30 miles, is this back to smiles?

Is this like... No, we're not back to smiles. It would come a brilliantly full circle, but we are not there.

Okay, when she traverses 30 miles per day, is she actually, I don't want to say moving, but is she actually going somewhere or is it all self-contained in one area?

It's self contained in one area. She's not really going anywhere. She basically ends and begins her day at the same spot. But she does travel technically 30 miles. Here's some hints. Bertha is a woman who normally travels with other people, as Erin got. She doesn't travel by walking or running, nor by plane or boat. But she does provide a service to passengers. She teaches people to caterpillar? Teach me how to cater, teach me how to caterpillar.

The last thing you said, you said she does provide a service for what? For passengers. For passengers? Mm-hmm. So is she a flight attendant? Nope.

Not a flight attendant does not travel by plane or boat. Is it Gemma? It is Gemma Biberta. It is not Gemma. I don't know. I don't know. Can you give us a hint? So I would say, remember this is the blue book, I would say for the most part, for the most part, I have, I have experienced this job before. This job does not exist anymore. This is a more antiquated travel agent.

Is she a carrier pigeon? No.

I would say if I were to run into a person who still had this job it would probably be downtown in Chicago and maybe like at a new doctor's office or something like that if I'd been to a building that I had like never been to before.

Is she a receptionist?

Elevator. Person.

Elevator. Yes.

Operator.

This is an elevator doctor aka an elevator operator. You guys got it, yeah. Congratulations. Wow. You took three of those riddles from the blue book. There's only like 57,000.

I can't stress enough that we killed them. Yeah, they're dead. I want to see a scene.

You're playing an elevator operator. And you are very, very old. And Adal and I are going into the elevator.

Going up. Oh, oh no. Going up. Or I guess.

Going.

Thanks for watching! This is better.

Yeah, we all listen to Stan and Judy's kid.

Listen, we... Boy, I'm glad I called that guy.

Oh, yes. Steve Buscemi, Billy Madison. Listen, we were trying to just take us up one floor and we'll walk the rest of the day. Can I be honest with you?

Oh. I'm Adam Sandler. I'm doing research for a new character. Weird. Yeah, it's a David Spade-produced vehicle called Hold Elevator Operator. How do you think I did? How do you think I was? Was I convincing as an old elevator operator?

Why did you piss in the corner?

What's that?

Why'd you piss in the corner? Schneider did that. I had nothing to do with that. Also aren't you worth like $500 million? Why are you wearing sweatpants and a dirty denim sweater?

Have a doobie, have a doobie, have a doobie. Erin, anything to plug?

Follow me, Erin Keif 10 on Instagram and then Erin Keif 2 on Twitter. I post some characters and some content there sometimes. Also watch my web series, Welcome Back, if you haven't yet. It's on YouTube. You can find a link to it on my Instagram and it's all on my Twitter too.

I would say that you can follow me on Twitch at sharkbarkman. I stream every day. I might be moving down to like a few days a week, but it's like somewhere around 11 a.m. Central Time to 2 p.m. Central Time. We just got done streaming all of The Witcher. It took me like 110-ish hours to beat, so I'm playing some other games now. But yeah, follow me over on Twitch. I'm also on Instagram at sharkbarkman and Twitter at jpsofly.

You can follow me on Twitter and Instagram at poledog. Get out there and vote. Also, I recently guessed it on some podcasts. You're going to want to check out my episode of Pop Up Filmcast. That's Pop Up Filmcast. And then Japes and I did an episode of a podcast called Quiz Quiz Bang Bang, which should be out now or out soon, in which we competed against another team of people in sort of pub trivia, which is really fun.

And if it's not out, don't message me asking me when it's going to be out.

I don't put that podcast out. And also check out our Patreon. It's patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle. We have, I want to say, about 100 hours now of bonus content. We have, whenever you join, you get access to the entire back catalog. We have all kinds of content there. We have review crew episodes. We have live shows. We have some one shots that are real silly. We have a hey relationship relationship. So if you're craving extra content from us, our Patreon is the absolute best place to find that.

And if you are craving nitrous gases in a cold distilled form, Erin, what planet might you go visit?

Earth! Just kidding. Jupiter. Bye.

Bye forever. Close your eyes, lay down on the floor, stop your podcast, and go ahead and make yourself a nice Beyond Beef sandwich. The outro will be jarring for you.

I'm Eric Keif and I'm John Patrick Coan.

That was a head gum podcast.