Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

So we're ready to start. And Erin, don't be nervous.

Oh, I wasn't before.

Just because you're a guest doesn't mean you can't kind of take the reign. So just feel like it's your episode.

What? Have I been a guest this whole time?

Well, calm down.

Oh, Jesus.

Not very becoming of a guest.

That would have wronged my three shoes.

Oh, then we're going to finish.

It was the cabin of an airplane.

That's it Frank. Solve them. Solve the riddles. That's my kit up there. Solving riddles. Which one's yours?

Oh, the little one with the hat that's too big for its head. Aww. Yeah.

She's adorable.

Yeah.

And she's solving Riddle. She likes it.

She's trying. She mostly just trying to get her out of the house.

And which one's your kid?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's my kid up there.

You're not pointing.

Yeah. That's my kid up there. Yep.

Wait a minute. Are you JP Riddles?

Oh boy. Couldn't possibly know what that... I don't even know how to begin to respond to a such a... That's my kid up there. That's my kid Douglas.

I thought that was a dress shirt, but upon closer inspection, it's just sour cream spread real thin.

Yeah, I found a Chipotle cheat life hack that they cannot refuse you sour cream, so I get a shirt's worth about every day. A shirt's worth? Uh-huh. Huh. Do you have to mess by size? Yeah, you're JP Riddle. I'm sorry. Well, yeah, adult shirt. Again, it's a loophole. It's a life hack. Speaking of loophole, is your belt a mongoose? It was a mongoose. Now it's the bones of a mongoose. Anyway, we're all here watching our kids. By the way, does anyone total non sequitur know where they keep the silverware? And if it's made out of real silver.

That's the first time JP Riddle has ever said total non sequitur.

Well he said it but in different ways before.

He's implied it, but he's never outright said it.

So you've heard of me before.

You do have heard of me before. This is Hey Riddle Riddle. I'm Adal Rifai. I'm JPC.

And I'm Erin Keif. Hello.

And we are proud parents watching our show solve riddles on its own. Watching our Riddle baby. Our little show is 96. Its all grown up. We 96-star show. We 96-star show. Wait, 86. 86 is in a restaurant. 86 is in a restaurant. 69 is with your lover. 31 Flavors, Annie DeFranco.

There must be something here.

So, hello.

Hi, Erin. Hi, Erin.

Hey. Is that what you had to say? Yeah. Did everyone have a good week?

I don't fucking know. Okay.

Who should I ask about your week?

What is a week anymore, Erin?

You're right. You're right. You're right. Collection of moments. How was your most recent collection of moments?

The other day I literally was like, I cant believe I ate that smoked chicken yesterday. And then Gemma was like, that was six days ago. That sounds like a family guy cut away.

You guys, I'm watching all of Star Wars all the way through.

Ooh. All of Star Wars? Are you going in order of release or in order of numerical order?

Are you watching the Clone Wars cartoons? Are you watching Disney's Rebels? No I'm not. Are you watching The Mandalorian? Dude, you should watch Clone Wars. It's honestly better than the entire three prequels.

Well, I'm gonna get through all the movies.

Okay.

Well, the three prequels are, I mean, hot take. They're bad.

So you watch them at this point?

Yeah.

To be fair, you can still get pregnant from prequels. Thank you. Thank you.

Not those. God help me. Those are just bad news for the entire world.

Erin, have you never seen the prequels? No, I'd seen them.

I hadn't seen them since I was kids, though. Since you were kids. Hey, no, no, I was a multiple kid and then that like got struck by lightning and now I'm one person?

So now we're recording remotely, Erin's still wearing her big trench coat? And so the lightning was not magic, but it just soldered you all together?

Yeah, it wasn't magic.

So if you left up your shirt, we're just going to see a little face. Ooh. Thats creepy. Thats creepy. Erin, I do want to, just to drop a little, I just want to mansplain to you about Star Wars, because that's every man's MO. Oh, I can't wait. I don't know if you know this, but the way the prequels happened was George Lucas is very, he's a billionaire, and he has the money and technology to where he went back in time to talk to himself as a little kid. He went back to talk to himself as a 10-year-old. and asked what would make good movies, and that's how he created the prequels. That's why we have a forearmed robot named General Grievous. That's why we have a Jamaican rabbit.

Have you guys seen the meme of General Grievous with infinite lightsabers? There's that shot where he pulls out the four lightsabers, but there's a meme where they just keep adding arms and lightsabers, and then he spins them once and he completely drops himself to be sick. It's pretty great.

You know what I don't like about him? I don't like when robots have coughs. And that's my hot take. He's sickly. He's unsettling.

Well, to be fair, Darth Vader has a bit of a respiratory illness, but he's not a robot. He's a cyborg. Something about the robot process kind of maybe does that, huh?

If you put your body through some intense shock.

How do you think he handles that? Because I would be jealous as fuck. Like the way C3PO moves, his sort of physicality, he's not a very fluid robot.

I think that's just British people versus American people. British people move like C3PO. And Americans more like general. Hey Riddle.

CP3O, which was cock penis 30 inches, but they took off the inches because they thought that was too egregious. Too general egregious.

I'm going to be back in 11 minutes. I'm going to call every woman I have in my phone. Uh, just like one second phone calls with everyone.

Yeah, okay, I was gonna say 11 minutes, maybe not a lot of women.

I just want to hear them say hello.

You never heard two women talk. They could talk for minutes.

Uh, yikes. Okay, I had a question though. I wanted to know what both of your favorites of all the movies were.

Um, of all the Star Wars movies?

Lets just treat it as like nine movies and not Rogue One.

Oh, no side stories?

No side stories.

I would say probably Lost Jedi. I think Lost Jedi was my favorite. I just love fucking Luke drinking that nipple milk from that weirdo on a beach. Like, why not? And that's the moment? At that moment, honestly, I was like, this is great. I was having a fucking blast during that movie.

Thank you for prefacing that it's nipple milk as opposed to other types of milk. And Erin, you said to leave out the original three, or we can include those?

You can include just no side stories.

I think Empire Strikes Back is my favorite. I love all the stuff with the Tonton. That's Empire Strikes Back, right?

When it goes to Thoth. Yeah, that's the beginning, right? Empire Return is the one with the Ewoks.

I love the Ewoks. Anything thats small and talks of gibberish? You love the Ewoks? Yes, Ewoks I love. My favorites are the Jawas. Jaws, Ewoks, Porgs, its all gravy.

I want to eat a Porg.

Well, Chewaka does.

I know, but I want that for myself. I want to eat one, but also I want to, I dont know, I have a complicated relationship.

I want a new Porg. I think, I also think that to a certain degree, what's the last one? The Last Jedi, right? That's the ninth movie?

I forgot the name of it.

The Last Jedi is in my contention for my second favorite Star Wars movie because of how much it fucking sucks and like nothing I want nothing more than to see Star Wars burnt to the fucking ground because it's just fun to watch a cultural icon fail in the public light. Something that has no reason to be bad with all the money behind it coming out bad is... Oh, I love that. And I remember leaving The Last Jedi and not giving a shit about it because like, I'm sorry Rise of Skywalker. Rise of Skywalker. I remember leaving that movie and not giving a shit about it being like it was terrible whatever who cares and seeing people like visibly distraught like in the lobby because I saw opening night or opening weekend at least and then I was like it made me a little happier to be like Oh yeah, a lot of people had way too much writing on this movie and now they're in pain.

Well I feel like also it's I think it's 50-50 in terms of it's the creative part of it but also the fans I think buried that fucker.

Yeah, oh yeah, 100%. But again, it's this destructive beast that doesn't need to be bad. With that much money behind anything, you have enough money to make it good. But you know how America is the worst country in the world and it's got all this money behind it? That makes me both sad and kind of happy at a time. Because it shows that Yeah, maybe like money and popularity isn't everything and that maybe actually like things that are don't have money and aren't so popular can still be like very good and produce good culture.

How did we go from a 30-inch dick joke to this?

Well, I don't know. Vicki Stewart and Larry Pittman met each other 30-something years ago. They fell in love.

And then what happened?

And then, Erin, speaking of then what happened, who is Old Man Puzzles today?

Well, you kind of gave it away by going into Erin.

Yeah, why did you dress Erin with that?

Well, it's me. It's me. I'm Old Man Puzzles. You can tell because I try to do the least amount of riddles that I can.

That used to be.

Were going to get into it. This is from, Im not 100% sure how to pronounce your name and Im so sorry, Digester.

Oh, thats got to be it. Oh, the Jester?

No, so they said both my first and last name are fake, so feel free to use them.

Digester? I am Digester.

Well, they created Um, some really fun, like, warm-up style riddles that I think we're gonna have a blast doing. Are you ready?

Yeah, we're ready. I can't wait to digest these.

Here's some riddles for the sake of your ongoing punishment. These are all common things turned into their synonyms. Synonyms, for example. Synonyms. Halt Ignite is Stop Light.

Halt Ignite is Stop Light. Oh.

Halt, ignite, is stop light. So like halt, stop, ignite, light. Some of these are tricky. So provided cryptic clues to lead you in the right direction. Are we ready? Any questions?

Will the last word always rhyme like that?

No.

Oh, okay. Gotcha. So they won't necessarily rhyme.

Yeah, they most likely will not rhyme.

Okay, so that was a bad example.

Yes.

Just in terms of those making the examples. That example was tough to digest.

Um, Feather City.

Feather City is going to be Birdtown, baby. Downtown.

Squawk, squawk, squawk. It's downtown, but a clue for that one was where all the lights are bright. I assume based on the Petula Clark song that JPC just sang.

I dont know anything about a Medulla Clark song.

When youre alone and life is making you lonely, you can always go.

Medulla obligata?

Youre supposed to say downtown. I dont know how to say it. Kind scribe.

Kind scribe. Nice author. Nice monk. Nice writer. Ghost writer.

Kind doesnt necessarily mean nice.

What are you saying? I'm quitting this podcast to go into business at Gadzooks and I am only going to, or Spencer's gifts, I'm only going to sell bumper stickers for your horse. I'm going to sell bumper stickers that you put on the back of your horse on their ass and it just says hoof farted. That's good.

The way Erin said the word hoof made it sound like a conjunction. That means like who would have.

Hoof. Hoof.

Hoof among us.

Hoof. Hoof. Hoof. Ho down. I hoof. Ho down. Hoof is what my brain did because I didnt sleep last night.

Hoof.

Ho down. Hoof. Ho down.

Would have to be goat disco, shoot dance, foot dance, sock hop, mare, mare ceremony.

Do you want the hint?

Yes, please.

Live on TV.

Live on TV, its... Its Saturday night. Horse. Live on TV. Featuring Coop Thompson, Jim Neighbors, Melissa Villasenor.

Shes on there. Shes a versatile. They got to have her. She can play horses.

They can play horses, dont they?

Its low down. Its live on TV. Its low down. Live on TV. Is that Hee Haw?

Hoedown is maybe, I don't know, I don't know if I would have picked these words to do this.

What's a hoedown? A hoedown is a party.

Yeah, I would also call it like a dance. That's why I said on top. What's a name for a fancy dance?

Honey Prom. Ball. Oh, it's, is it ball?

Football. Horseballs. Yeah, horseball. I want to see a scene. JPC, you're a high school football coach. Sort of like a Friday Night Lights feel. And Adal, you are the new quarterback. You're a sophomore, but you're also a horse.

Hey Coach, I just want to tell you how much it means that you're putting me on varsity.

Were glad to have you on the team, Cinnamon. Were glad to have you on the team. Look, I want you to do me a favor.

Sorry, I dont mean to correct you. My name is Sennenim.

My bad, Sennenim. Look, I want you to do me a favor out there, okay? See those boys out there? See those boys? Which ones? Its all boys. Thats right. Its all boys. Those are your boys, Sennenim. So, when youre out there on that field... Even the opposing team? Yeah, I mean, don't look at them. They're in a whole other city. How good is your eyesight? We're in our practice field. They always say eyes like a horse. Don't conceptualize the boys. Think of the boys who are right here. These are your boys, okay? I want you to take care of these boys, okay? I want you to let these boys ride you as hard as they're gonna because it's gonna be a hard season, you understand? So I can't carry the ball. I have to be ridden. Hey, however we get that ball into the end zone to score, and I want to say touchdowns, is that correct?

That's what matters, Cinnamon. Okay. Yeah, I mean, I'm willing to take one for the team. I've been branded before. You've been branded before? Mm-hmm. Okay.

Yeah, I mean... Cinnamon, can I tell you a tale? Okay. I mean, can I tug your tail? That's what I meant to say. I've been dying to ask. Okay, you're not gonna kick me in the back of the head, huh?

Hi Semenon. I'm a head cheerleader and we just wanted to give you a welcome. I know that a lot of the boys don't want you on the team, given that you're a horse and all.

Is this a prank you're just going to take a picture of my dick to put on social media?

No! They haven't had my last high school. I was going to ask you to the homecoming dance.

Are you sure? Are your parents okay with you going with a horse?

No.

Oh.

See you around, Semenonim.

Well, it's Semenonim.

Whatever you say, horse. Hey there, synonym. Me and the boys on the football team have got something to say to you. Yeah! What is it? After that practice that you ran today, we think you're alright. What? That's right. We think that you're a horse who can get things done, and we proud to call you a panther.

Yeah, at the beginning of the week, we had a meeting talking about how we wanted to turn you to glue. But then we saw you play and horses are actually kind of scary and muscular and we thought, we're glad he's on our team.

So what do you say, Sam Erwin?

Are you going to be on our team? Well, if people can say my name right, I'll be on the team.

Chet just got a picture of his dick. That's what we wanted.

Everybody run.

Run from a horse. Bad idea, Jason. All right, here's the next one. Bacteria ring.

Bacteria ring is going to be sick germ charm. Six circle.

Ooh, six circle carousel.

Bacteria ring.

Flue ring.

Flusol ring. Oop. Would you like the hint? Germ hoop.

Held up to your ear.

telephone ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring Celebrity Stags is going to be famous anus, famous hans, solos, famous deers, famous buck, singles, uncle buck, uncle buck, famous, known buck, buck, famous buck, popular buck, hundred, hundred buck, hundred buck, write your name on it is the hint, autographed buck, write your name on it, year buck, Will you sign my yearbook? This is just a dollar.

Will you sign my yearbook? Celebrity Stags.

Celebrity Stags. So Buck is one of them.

It was the second half of the word.

The second half. Celebrity would be famous. Oh, Starbuck.

Yeah.

Oh, nice. Nice, Starbuck.

Okay, okay.

Its a Starbucks. Waiting here for you.

Cocaine.

Getting kind of cold.

Cocaine dehumidifier. Which hello, Sharkdank.

Cocaine dehumidifier. Dude, if you get cocaine humid, you ruin it. Cocaine dehumidifier.

Cocaine. Cocaina. Cocaina. Lets see. Snuff.

Snuffpuff, I want to see a scene. Erin and JPC, you are on a first date. It's went extremely well. And Erin, you're bringing JPC back to your apartment and it is just littered with cocaine.

Okay. Do you want to come in for a minute?

Yeah, that would be awesome.

Just stay in the hallway for one second. I'm going to clean up.

Okay, I mean my place is a wreck too.

I honestly don't care if it's if it's super- No, tonight was just so fun and I don't want to embarrass myself right at the end. Here we go. I'll just be back in one second.

Okay, sure.

Oh my god, Kim cleaned this up fast. I'm serious. He's gonna know I do so much cocaine. What do you want me to clean up? What do you want me to clean up? I don't know, just do all the cocaine. We have to do all the cocaine before you do it. Do all of it? Look, okay, just do it. Let's just do it.

Chamizal. Chamazal. Put this coke up our nostrils.

You just put it up your butt.

Do it together. Were gonna snort it after all.

Ten minutes later. Kristen? Oh god, theyre both dead. Oh no. Oh, not again.

Oh no, Im up. I'm up. I'm up.

She's seen my face.

I'm up. I'm up. What happened?

I don't know. I left you left me in the hallway.

Oh, yeah. Come on. Okay. Yeah, come on in. Can I get you a drink?

Your roommate looks dead.

She's tired.

She's bleeding from her face. Wow.

Well, okay.

Look, I think I think I know what's happening here.

Oh, you do?

Yeah, I came back to your apartment. We were going to have, you know, a nightcap. You got embarrassed because you had cocaine everywhere. Your roommate overdosed on, uh, that cocaine by doing too much of the... By doing too much of the cocaine. I think I know exactly what's happened here. Because this is hell, and you're both dead, and you have to live this moment, your most embarrassing moment, or... Very good he figured it out.

This is... Wait, he died too?

Yes, you're in hell. My hell is figuring out other people's hells? Wait, is that not what you said? Wait, is this... Oh fuck. Very good. Oh no. You figured it out. This is your hell. Figuring out the hells as other people are figuring out other people's hells.

Well, well, well. You figured out your heaven. Your heaven is telling people that figuring out other people's hells is their hell.

No way! I love this!

Welcome to heaven!

Well, well, well. Can't tell if I'm... Happy or sad, this is purgatory and you figured it out. Everything doesn't matter. Nothing matters. Everything matters. Nothing matters.

Kim, wake up! Kim, wake up! What did you see?

What did you see Kim? I saw a tunnel and at the end of it was water.

Are you sure you just didn't do like a Inception Heaven Hell thing just now?

Wait, you saw a tunnel and at the end of it was water? What else? Yeah, I guess there was an Inception Heaven Hell thing. How did you mention it? I am recalling that. So yeah, it's pretty wild. Is my face bleeding? Cokeheads tell horrible stories.

Same. I'm happy I haven't done cocaine. I think I'd be bad at it.

I think everyone is bad at cocaine.

What do you mean bad at it? I think that, like, I would immediately be addicted forever.

Oh, so you'd be too good at it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Exactly. Are you ready for the next one?

Sure. Yes, mom.

Oh, you didn't figure that one out.

Wait, what was that?

Celebrity... Cocaine dehumidifier.

Oh, cocaine dehumidifier is... What's the nickname for cocaine? Drugs. Nose candy. Powder, snow. Horse. No, that's good. Blow. Blow. Blowjob. Blow dehumidifier. Blow air. Blow.

And a hotel bathroom.

Blowjob. Blow handicap rail. Blow dryer. Blow free soaps.

Blow soaps. Uncooked fellows.

Ramen. In the fellows, the fellows. Tell me something, bok choy. Are you toppings for my ramen yet?

Please don't stop. Crucifix Pot.

Crucifix Pot is a cross pan. Crossweed.

It's spelled differently.

What do you mean?

Pot is? The synonym for pot is spelled differently than what is actually at the end of this word.

Cross joint.

Pot. What do you cook something in?

Cross pan. Pan. Cross pan. Cross Stove? Cross. Cross.

Cross Skillet?

Cross Walk. Cross Walk. Yes. I get it.

It's spelled different. Yes.

Boss Putty.

Boss Putty. Oh, Seinfeld. Hey Elaine. Boss' name is Putty. Everybody loves Putty. Everybody loves Gumby.

Pokey. Pokey. Wait, Cross Putty?

Wait, what is it? Boss Putty, sorry.

Boss Putty.

It would be Chief Sir... Sir Play-Doh. Ooh.

Do, play do.

No, that's not right, but that sounds fun.

I wouldn't see a scene. Erin and Japes, you are two executives in some business and the two of you are having, you're on a lunch break on a Friday and you have your deep suspicions that your boss that you report to is just a little vat of silly putty. Got it.

I feel like I've been up for like 18 hours. Yeah, you've been working really hard this week, Mark. You've been like really working hard. You had that meeting last night.

Craig is just on my ass. Like gives me, you know, it's like two hours to prepare, two hours to prepare. He wants it done now. He wants it done now. He's just so, he's, you know what he is? He's, he's so inflexible.

I completely agree. And I'm just going to keep shaking my solid maybe a little louder so people don't hear us.

Oh, please, that's a really great idea.

Do you, and I'm not trying to be rude. Is it possible that he is Silly Putty?

Okay, I guess have a good rest of your lunch.

No, no, I'm like... What? What do you mean? When you're in meetings with him, does he say anything? Or is he just like, looks like Plato on a swivel chair?

I guess, I mean, its not that he doesnt say anything, its just the way that he looks kind of demands that compulsory action. And hes so moody. Like, one day he could be totally different than he is the next day, and then he could be in a completely different, like, mood or shape.

Yeah, because hes not a person, yeah.

Oh my god, maybe hes Play-Doh.

Yeah.

Maybe hes freaking silly.

Like one time, like one time I saw him. I feel so stupid. He spread himself out over a newspaper. Okay. Okay. Like pressed, like pressed hard on the newspaper and then pulled up and then the newspaper was printed on him.

Oh my God.

And that's, and everyone was like laughing, everyone was like laughing and laughing. Like that was so funny. But then he just like, and it sort of like messes with his consistency later because he has ink on him.

You know what happened is two days ago, I feel like such an idiot, I walk in with his office. He's not there. He had called me in for a meeting on his desk as a bowl of grapes. Purple grapes. I say, I'm hungry. I haven't had lunch. I haven't had a fucking break.

Right.

So I eat one of those grapes. It's one of the nastiest tastes I've ever had in my life.

Oh my God. What was it?

It's mushy. I'm like, this is not a grape. And then I hear him laughing. And I'm like, I put him in my mouth.

No way.

He molded himself into little balls and I put him in... Are we talking about sleeping with the boss? Guilty.

What?

I slept with the boss. You slept with Greg? At the Christmas party? Kyle, what are you talking about?

How did you sleep? How?

Well, I stuck into his office to try and get the new prices. We all know what that means. Yeah, and our job.

No further investigation needed on that. Huge part of our job.

Yeah, to get the prices.

And we love to sneak to get the prices. Got to know the prices.

Always has to be up to date on the prices. Prices are historically something that a company keeps absolutely secret, so you have to sneak to get the prices. Why are you saying what we all know? I know, youre right.

Should we say it on the count of three?

Yeah, sure. Sure.

What a fun game. One, two, three. We run a funeral home. We all said the same thing. What was your story?

Say it. Boss Putty, good to listen to.

This is kind of specific to us. Boss?

I'll give you one final hint.

Host?

This is a Boss Putty Podcast.

Headgum. Headgum. So wait, why is, how does Boss lead the head? Like the boss is like the head of something, like the boss is the head of a company I guess. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

That makes sense. This is a Boss Putty Podcast.

Erin, I have one for you. Sure. Fast Fracture. Fast Fracture.

Break. Oh, we're gonna take a quick break.

Yeah. You know, we're going to take a fast fracture, we'll be right back with more, hey silly buddy.

And this fast fracture is brought to you by the Candy Bar Fast Fracture. If you need a quick break and you only want to eat bones covered in chocolate, reach for a fast fracture. Give me a fracture, give me a fracture.

And we are lumbar.

Meaning we're back. Just so everyone knows, during that commercial break, we did get an email that fast fracture has been pulled from most stores. Apparently the bones inside of it were bird bones and the chocolate was bird blood.

No!

Yeah, Fast Fracture was just birds.

I like the fun-sized Fast Fracture. Me too.

Yeah, Robins. So if you did eat Fast Fracture, there is a class-action lawsuit. It's a United States vs. Birds. Hold on, Fast Fracture is birds?

You know what I love to do? I used to just make cookies, and instead of chocolate chips, I would mash up fast fractures and put them in. It was just like a nice little treat. We all did.

And we all had fun, but the days are numbered, and the ride is over, and there are no free rides.

Oh, fuck.

I like that their catchphrase is, it's this or your teeth?

I just realized something. A few years ago, I had a... Remember when I had that parrot? I would try and feed my parrot fast fracture, and he would always just scream. And now I realize why.

Well, don't parrots just repeat things that you do?

Yeah, that is true of parrots. Well, Adal, you were also true that you got that parrot to maybe help with your night terrors, right? The doctor said, this parrot will help with your night terrors.

Wait, what are you guys saying? I said parents.

Oh, I'm sorry. Fast fracture is people. My bad. Yes. I had a smudge of the copy. Doctor, my parent won't stop screaming. Don't parents just repeat what you do?

Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. No, no, no.

Wait, wait, wait. Well, that made my day. Okay. We have one more of those riddles and then we're going to move on.

Okay.

Straw, pepper, enigma.

Straw, pepper, enigma. Straw, pepper, enigma. So this has to be tibas, chili, left eye.

And pepper is not like the spice. It's more like, I'll just pepper some in.

Oh, sous-champs? Straw, pepper, enigma. Enigma. So hey, question. Hey, Riddle Riddle.

Yeah. No, hey, question, question.

Better name.

So those are those. Synonym riddles. Those were really fun. I liked those a lot. That was fantastic. And if you have any ideas for some, please send them in.

Thank you, Digest. Thank you, Digest. Thank you, Digest Daddy. Please send us more.

And now we have an amazing email from Pizza, who loves the show.

I'm hungry for a nice deep dish pizza. Pizza. I could go for a nice white sauce pizza pie. Hey, why is your sauce always going to be white?

I am allergic to tomatoes.

Oh, that's good. Good answer. I can respect that.

They are a fan of the show.

Why did you say that in a surprise tone?

Because of course.

So many people email us and be like, hey, used to be a big fan, or hey, don't care for the show.

Well, in all sincerity, I think we did have somebody say, of course I don't listen anymore. Which is the funniest fucking thing. Of course I don't listen anymore. Fuck you. If you check back in in this exact second, fuck you.

I wonder when people stopped listening. Do you think it's what we promised 50 Riddles? And then didn't do any?

Maybe. Probably when I, that Halloween riddle probably has a lot of folks. If people made it to episodes 50 and then stopped listening.

Okay, okay. This is so serious. Stop making jokes.

Okay.

Okay. These are really fun riddles. Are you ready?

Sure.

You have only one match left. You want to light the room with an oil lamp. Start a fire to warm the room and heat your bathwater. In order to complete all the above actions, which of these should you light first?

Um, I know the answer. Problem solved.

So, you have to do, you have to heat your bathwater, light the room with an oil lamp, and start a fire to warm the room.

Which one should you do first, and you only have one match left? Swipe right. And that's a joke on a podcast where we're not supposed to do jokes.

Did you ever go on dating apps, JPC?

Oh yeah. Didn't you guys see my... Japes, I shared the back of an Uber with Japes many a night where he would show me his phone and he would swipe right on everyone and then when they chatted with him he would plug his improv show.

Is that real? I did a bunch of bits with it. First of all, my profile was like, hey, not interested, not looking. Just want to let you know that Tinder can be weird. A great date idea would be to take someone to an improv show because you can talk at the bar, watch the show where you don't have to be talking, then kind of talk afterwards. If you want free tickets to an improv show, message me. I'll hook you up with comps. And then in bold, I would be like, I do not want to meet you. And then sometimes I give out comps to people. And then I also had a bit for a while where I had my dating profile that was like, if you're reading this, I am looking for my dad. I do not know where he is. He is, you know, but I do desperately want him back. He has been gone for four days. My family's worried sick. We just want to contact my dad. Please, if you're reading this and you are my dad, message me. My dad is six foot and then it cut off because I'm getting rid of his days. My dad is six foot and I just swipe right on everyone.

I'll take it you never went on any dates from dating apps.

No, I didn't.

Who are these people?

We should have our own dating app where someone has to solve a riddle and if they solve it, then you match with them. Then they end up alone forever.

That's connected to our Patreon. I've offered to run people's dating apps for them because it is something I'm passionate about doing wrong. I'm not very good at it, but I like it.

I dont think I was ever good at dating apps or I dont think that I would use them right because I feel like the dating apps or a lot of the dating apps are geared towards a hookup culture that I was never an interested party in or a big part of. So my experience on the dating apps was short lived, I would say. But I did go on some dates on them, but I never had a relationship off of a dating app.

Interesting.

Which I guess maybe is the point. Adal. Maybe people do meet and have relationships.

Did you ever do apps?

I was briefly on Bumble and Tinder. How was that? It's weird. I think if there's always like a night where you're like, this is a good idea. And then like two days later you're like, I'm not into this. It just feels weird.

Its like weird, but also kind of necessary. Oh, yeah. Because its hard to organically meet people, especially if you are trying to meet people outside of your social circle, too.

Yeah.

I feel like its also something where its like I would, when talking to people, I would dabble in like, here's me on full display in terms of my sense of humor. And it would typically backfire in terms of them being like, what are you saying? Or like, are you serious? And I'm like, no, just try to have fun. But my sister and my brother-in-law met on a dating site. So it works, people. And I am going to offer the same services as Erin, where if you want me to try and hook you up with someone who is my exact type, I will go through and try and match you with people. Erin, what would your strategy be if you were running people's dating apps?

Well, its something that Ive done for my friends and I feel really, really good about. And its a combination of having good instincts and then being super realistic about what youre actually looking for. And then being so funny and charming like I am and good with words.

Are you talking about building people's profile or are you talking about actually starting to message people?

I do it all, JPC.

You're going to message people, too.

I'm going to do it all. I do it.

But is that disingenuous? That's like cereal, Debercheneck, whatever?

This is what I do. I say what first message they should send and then I fade into dust. And last message.

I say that I will do this. I will say, I will run your dating apps. I will do your first message and your last message. You could, they will be the same message. You could use them in any order that you want. And it will be, I eat ass. Oh my God.

Wait you guys, for a Patreon episode, I will redownload my dating apps and read to you what I wrote for opening lines to people.

Thats pretty fun. How about we create a fake profile and then we, we control.

We all control that personality. I will, I will, I will, I will protect my friend, but a friend of mine who is married, had a bit where he just put his dating profile up. He was interested in all parties and he just, it was just his wedding photos, like the professional wedding photos. And it was like, he's like, me and my wife are just on here. We are not looking for anything romantic. We just, we just got our wedding photos and we really just want to show off. Our wedding photos, don't you think they look great?

He's the meanest group of people to do that to.

He got so many people that were like, fuck you, how dare you? Some of us are out here trying to beat people.

That is hysterical. The sanctity of this app is being ruined. Wait, you guys, I had just a memory come back to me. So, the only dating app I ever met, anyone from?

Uh-oh, this sounds like it may have been repressed.

No, no, no. It's funny.

You said App Caramel, which is all about your favorite candies?

Yeah, it was just Postmates and it was just me when people brought candy to my house. No, I was on Coffee Meets Bagel and I met, I went to maybe like 10 dates off of that. I was very active on dating apps in early 2018. Really putting myself out there. And that's right when we were recording Hey Riddle Riddle for the first time. Hey Riddle. They were like, what did you do before this? And I would be like, I recorded a riddle podcast where we solve riddles. And they were like, where can I listen to it? And I was like, you can't. We're doing it for no one. And they were like, you have fun. What's your job? Am I paying for your Uber home? What? Are you okay? But yeah, that I was there. If you heard here the first few episodes of Hey Riddle Riddle, I was on very strange dates, but some good dates. I dont know. I got so quiet.

You walked that back real fast.

It was completely split, like all dating. It was like 50% amazing, very funny, very interesting people, and 50% people who were strange. Like the guy who talked about hot sauce the entire time. Your name was Matt. We went on a date with the Violet Hour at the Violet Hour. You talked about hot sauce the whole time. You didn't ask me any questions about me.

Damn. Put on blast. This isn't not a dating story, but I've written many Ubers where they ask what I do. And I typically just say whatever. I'll make something up so I don't have to talk about it because I don't want to talk to anybody. But one time I just, a few times I've been like, I'm self-employed and they're like, what are you doing? I'm like, I'm a podcaster. And they're like, what's your podcast? And I'm like, these ones. And they're like, oh, OK, fun. And then this one woman on the way to the airport was like, so you do your podcast? Are they pretty successful? And I'm like, yeah, relatively, I guess. And she's like, yeah, my cousin does a travel blog.

Amazing. I go, okay.

She goes, yeah, one time she got recognized for it, so it's not too shabby. And she was like, if you want the address, I'll send it to you. And I was like, I don't want this. That's amazing. I just love that's the realm that I'm, that's the target I'm circling is like, you do a podcast? Yeah, my cousin has a fucking travel blog.

The car I get into, I'm like, what do I do? I do a podcast. Give me your phone. Let's listen to an episode. And then I put my, I get their phone and I download our podcast on their phone. And then I subscribe for those weekly updates, baby. And I get those fucking listens. They'll never listen, but it doesn't matter because it would take effort for them to go remove that.

And then you go to patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle, subscribe them, get their credit card. I subscribe with my credit card number. Who gives a shit?

Its all people, baby.

I told this to Adal a few years ago when it happened, but I was in an Uber pool and the driver was talking to me a bunch and the girl in the back was like, leaned forward and was like, I'm so sorry. I know your voice and it's driving me insane. And I was like, I'm sorry. And she was like, who? What is it? And I was like, I don't know. And we realized that she knows me from Hello from the Magic Tavern.

Oh wow.

But she was like, you're just like, I'm thinking like you're a mouse. Like, are you a mouse? And I was like, yeah.

And at the time you're trying to hold back shooting your pants, right?

Yeah, no, I already shit my pants. Back to this riddle, shall we?

Yes. Oh, yes. This is the podcast that we're doing. We shall and we must.

We'll do an entire Patreon where we'll go on your dating apps and your profiles and find your true love. Let us be you. OK. OK. Adal, you said you knew the answer to this.

Yeah, should I say it? Yes, please, because I forget the riddle.

Want me to read it again? No.

Both the matches, he only has one match left. He wants to heat the water, light the lamp, and do something else.

Oil lamp, warm the room, heat the bathwater.

Spill the wine, kiss the girl. Go on and spill the wine. I believe that what he has to light first is the match.

Yes. The first thing you need to light is the match itself. Without a fire source, how could you possibly start to take care of the lamp, bathwater, or fireplace?

The first thing you need to light is your own heart. And then your imagination.

This is fun. Speaking of mice, are you ready for the next one?

Yes.

Too many mice. Mice are famous for their ability to multiply at breakneck speed.

Mice are famous? Erin, that's a fact.

Sorry, Erin. Mickey Mouse.

You're just reading facts.

Sorry. The type of mouse we have here gives birth once a month, birthing 12 babies each time. Baby Mice.

Here we see the North American fuck mouse. Watch as it multiplies.

Oh my god. Have you guys seen that video from... Fountica Mouse Mouse? It's not Planet Earth, but it's the new Netflix thing. But it's a mouse after it kills a scorpion and it just screams like it does like a war cry.

Oh, the one in the desert. Yeah, it's like... Yeah, it's incredible. That's awesome.

Does he scream, red wall? Yeah, and he holds a little sword out. It's adorable.

Well, to be fair, mice only repeat what their owners do.

Guys, we got to get Adal a parrot, and then I want to take care of the parrot after Adal had it for a year. I can hear it say my wife every point. Five seconds. My wife? Okay, the type of mouse we have here gives birth once a month, birthing 12 babies each time. Baby mice mature and can give birth two months after they are born. You picked up one of these darling baby mice at the pet shop and brought it home the day after it was born in 10 months from now. How many mice will you have?

You never saw me do that. This is a fucking lie. You can't prove it. This is a fucking lie. I'm not gonna be... I'm not gonna be...

I want to see a seed. So, Adal, you just came into a pet store. You're like, you have like a couple hours to kill. You came into a pet store. You're just browsing around. Erin, you work at the pet store. Your security at the pet store. You think that you saw Adal steal a mouse. You think you saw him put a little mouse in your pocket. So you're stopping him as he's trying to exit the pet store.

Excuse me, sir. I can't let you leave.

What?

Yeah, I know that I heard the door open. I'm going to shut it now. And

Why does it ding, ding, ding and then ring, ring, ring? Making fucking sense. Let me go.

Excuse me.

I don't need me to interrupt. I'm his friend and that's not his real voice. He's putting on a tough guy voice. No, I'm not. Shut up. Jeff, you are. I don't know what to tell you. I don't want to get involved in the situation, but the situation, that's a fake.

Well, Jeff, today is your lucky day. Fine, fuck both of you guys, but let me go. I'm tired of being demeaned.

Jeff, today is your lucky day.

Oh, okay.

But it's also opposite day.

So, you both are so screwed. So I can go?

No, you are both screwed.

But you said I had to stay. But its opposite day. Its opposite day so were not screwed.

Okay, well, okay then fine, I'll play out my own game. You, there are Denny Security cameras in here, there are Denny Security cameras, the police aren't on their way, and there isn't a mouse suffocating in your breast pocket.

To be fair, shouldn't you be standing on the ceiling?

That's physically impossible.

Hold on, hold on. I'm so confused. Could we just say that it's not opposite day and like just proceed as normal? Ah, so it is opposite day. Well, but I don't want it to be. And she made it opposite day, not me.

I was trying to insult you, but yes, it's opposite day. You're free to go. So it's not opposite day. It's not opposite day.

So is this my real voice?

I don't know anymore, Jeff. Maybe the tough guy voices your real voice. I didn't know it was Opposite Day when we began this.

I saw you let the snakes out. I saw you pet every cat and name them even though we've already given them names. Go put the mouse back or I will have to use force on you.

I don't understand if it's Opposite Day or not. Am I to take your directions literally? Hey, you look great today. Oh my god.

You look great today. I like your coat.

I'm having one of the best hair days of my life.

It's Opposite Day.

How do we end this scene? Because if I say scene, its opposite day, which means continue to do improv. Jeff, what are you talking about? I think I'm a woman dying from coke overdose in an apartment. My wife. OK. My wife. Polly won a wife. Did we get it, Erin? Erin, was that it?

You got it. What's the answer to the question?

What was the full question? So we go into a pet store, we see some mice, and what happens?

Mice are famous for their ability to multiply a breakneck to ease.

I know, I know the answer.

The type of mouse we have here gives birth once a month, birthing 12 babies each time. Baby mice mature and can give birth two months after they are born. You picked up one of these darling baby mice at the pet shop and brought them home the day after it was born. In 10 months from now, how many mice will you have? What is the answer to your PC?

I know the answer. Or Adal. Zero because it's just one mouse. Unless, hold on, are you sleeping with the mouse?

Zero because it's just one mouse?

Well, yeah, but mice don't live 10 months.

Not in my house. Not in my snake house. Welcome to the snake house. You tried to survive. You're a mouse and you run through the house. Snakes everywhere.

I want to see the first 30 seconds of the pilot to snake house.

Warning. The following content is not suitable for children. It contains partial nudity, violence, and snakes.

Okay, everybody. Calm down, calm down. We're just going to pull over. We're going to get a quick bite to eat at this Texas... Huh. It says it's a Texas Roadhouse, but on the door it says, Texas Snake House. Huh. You guys still want to go in, right? I mean, we're all hungry, right?

Yeah, we're all hungry.

Yeah, we're all hungry. Okay, yeah. So let's go in. Okay.

No host. Thousands of snakes. Across the street, there's a TGIS. Should we go there?

Yeah, TGIS.

We're already here. I mean, we might as well... There's a booth. Should I get the potato shed-skin? Snakes. What, are you looking at a menu?

Where did you find a menu? Oh, I'll just start drawing one. Okay, let's all pick up the menu and let's rip off up menu items.

We could always just go to a fast food restaurant like burger snakes or snakes.

No, no, were riffing off of menu items here.

Okay. Sorry, I was walking further behind you guys. I was still at the point where were meeting again.

Yeah, no. Now were all looking at the menu. Okay, menu items.

Soup. What was your soup?

Uh, Quokka Snakey. Cobra Salad. Kind of like Cobb Salad, but with Cobra. Oh, they have Viberitas. I get a nice Boa Clam Chowder.

Boa Clam Chowder was the right direction for that one.

Yeah. And everybody just go ahead and look down at your ankles just to clarify. I'm still on house arrest. Are your ankles being bitten by Copperhead Snakes?

I'm gonna wake up in a cold sweat and then have five snake menu items and hate myself.

So, Erin, you said they take home one mouse. How are they supposed to reproduce if there's no other?

Good point, Adal.

No, but Erin said in the riddle, this type of mouse reproduces, has 12 mice every month.

Yeah, but only if they're doing it.

No, you said this is a type of mouse that has 12 mice every month. So there is a right answer to this because this mice... Yeah, it's one.

Your mouse can't birth any babies by itself.

Of course it can. This type of mouse can. The premise of the riddle has told us there's a special type of mouse that has 12 babies out of the ether.

No, this is not a Mary.

You don't tell me how the... I know. I want to take this riddle to Riddle Court. I see a scene. I am taking this riddle to Riddle Court. I demand to take this riddle to Riddle Court.

Okay, Adal, we have to differ. Okay, which goes first? I forget which.

I called scene first. After the scene, we can take it to Riddle Court. Okay. I want to see a scene. You are Mickey and Minnie Mouse. Minnie is pregnant and we're absolutely certain it's not Mickey's.

Yeah? Mickey? Uh-huh. I, um... Well, I, um... What? You look like you have something important to tell me. Um, can we go to a manger? Can we go to a manger? Yeah, I'm about to give birth. Um... You're what? Yeah! You're pregnant? Yeah, and I know we haven't done it, but it is gone! No, this is great! Um, I'm gonna pack up my shit and go! No, no, no, no! No! I mean, I feel no qua- You're awful to me! You are awful to me. And we're not right for each other. Minnie, there hasn't been love. Has there been love? I don't know. What do I do? I think so. Can I be honest with you? What? I'm in love with Pluto. Wait a minute. What? No. It's Mickey and Minnie Mouse. No, I've been fucking Pluto. I've been letting Pluto get on me. Wait, is Pluto the dog?

Gosh, thanks for coming over again. You sure have been around the house a lot.

Um, anyway Goofy, get the fuck out of here, okay?

Here's 20 bucks. Go have fun, kid. Gosh, 20 bucks? That'll buy me all kinds of hats. Well, who gives a shit about the sash? Get out of the house. Is that my thing? What's my thing? It doesn't matter, man. Fuck off, dude. You're killing the vibe in here. Fuck it. You're trying everybody up. You want a packet of Gushers? Gosh, yeah.

My dogs are pregnant. I cant wake up. Alright, were going to Riddle Court. Oh no, I want to do it.

Oh no, but we settled out of court.

Oh fuck, I was excited.

No, I made a good amount of money. It was $24,000.

Oh my, that's not that much money. I could have gotten you more money in court. Is there a lawyer?

She could have gotten me more money by going to court.

Yeah.

And then I have to pay my fucking court fees. I have to pay a lawyer 35%.

That's how much money I would have made for you if I didn't let that riddle go to court.

I'd rather take my odds. I'm not going to go to jail. I love listeners can't see this because we're recording over Zoom and they can't see us on video.

But anyway, no matter how we're recording.

No, they used to be able to. I love that JPC was thinking of an amount of money and he looked on his Eastern wall and he has a poster of Keifer Sutherland and he goes, I got $24,000. I got Lost Boys number of buddies.

Well, well never go to Riddle Court. I got outsiders. I got outsiders. Wait, can we just... Well, then, JBC, can you, like, play the audio of you and your lawyer settling this out of court?

Order! Order! Order! Im ordering some food. Order! What do you want?

Yeah, you're trying to order. Crabber and goon. Baby, baby, baby.

Crabber and goon? Okay, order. What about you? What do you want to order? Oh, I'm on the phone.

I'm actually on the phone. Okay. Hi, I'd like to place an order.

Okay, what would you like?

I'd like Crabber and Goon.

Baby, baby, get Crabber and Goon.

I'm ordering only Crabber and Goon. Okay, get some Crabber and Goon. How many would I like?

Do you normally ask that question with Crabber and Goon? Just an order. We sell them individually. Well, we sell them a la carte and individual. And pro bono.

You sell... I'll take four pro bono al dente. Pretty good.

Okay, and would you like to take those inside or outside? What's that? Al fresco or infresco.

Can I do al pastor?

Can I get a fresco?

Oh yeah, al pastor with two fresco. We don't have fresco, but we do have phago. And also I should ask, I'm being rude, how's your phago? Ah, chocolat.

Baby, baby, french fries. No, I'm sorry.

That's the worst scene we've ever done.

Snake food, snake food.

We did already get the answer to that Riddle, Erin, right? Yeah. It was zero mice. One mouse. Zero additional mice.

Yeah.

No, that mice dies. I told you, I can't live in the snake zone. And that's a shedding skin. Stop.

I'm not going to keep a mouse alive for that long. No way. Have you seen his keyboard set up?

Are you ready?

Yeah, I just keep smashing my mouse with my keyboard.

Are you guys ready for another one?

Yes.

One more riddle.

Which of these doesn't make the sound of silence?

Peter, Paul, and Mary.

Rhythm, Rest, Treble, Chord, Scale.

We got treble right here. Which one of these doesn't make the sound of silence?

Treble. What was it?

Rhythm, rest, treble, chord, scale.

Rhythm. Is this a real thing? Is this a trick question? Which one doesn't make the sound of silence?

Yeah, it's a riddle, so it's a little tricky.

Which one doesn't make a sound? Rhythm, rest, treble, bubble?

Chord, scale.

Chord, scale.

Rhythm, rest, treble, chord, scale. Would you like some hints?

Yeah, give me a hint.

I feel like it's got to be one of these five things, so we could just keep guessing. But what's a hint?

Because I don't understand it yet.

Oh, go ahead.

Sorry, what was the phrasing of which one doesn't make a sound? Is that the exact phrasing?

Yep, which of these words doesnt make the sound of silence? Gotcha. This is the first hint. When you see a group of words that have a similar theme, its easy to get hung up on their meaning.

Diarrhea.

Instead, look for other ways to interpret the question asked of you. For example, other than the very literal definition, what else could the sound of silence be referring to? Hint number two. Read each word out loud and pay attention to how they differ from each other. In particular, think about how each word is pronounced.

Still stuck?

Think about what letters aren't pronounced.

This is the rhythm of the night. This is the scale of the night. Rhythm, chord, scale.

This is the treble of the night. Sound of silence. This is the chord of the night.

Scale, rhythm, chord. I have no idea. The night. I'll say chord. So rhythm, we have a Y in there, right? We have a silent Y. Wait, is it rest treble? It is. Yeah.

That's right. The answer is rest. All of the other options have silent letters. You did it! They did it! On Opposite Day. It's Opposite Day, this whole episode. So everything I said you got right, you got wrong. And everything I said you got wrong.

Give us a one-star review on L-Tunes? J-Tunes?

Anything to plug. JPC.

The opposite of iTunes. What would that be? EarTunes? Oh, it's me. Yeah, you can follow me on Twitch. So I'm at sharkbarkman on Twitch. Also sharkbarkman on Instagram at JP. So fly on Twitter. Anything to plug Adal?

Yes, you can find me on Instagram and Twitter at AdalRifai. You can also check out our Patreon. Patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle. We have a $1 tier, a $5 tier, and an $8 tier. I want to say we have over 100 hours of content now, and I believe that's true. We've been doing a ton of bonus stuff for during the last few months just because we have time on our hands. So I think you're gonna like what you hear over there and just a lot of people have asked us before and we should we should clarify whenever you join Patreon you get access to all the content that's come before so don't think it's just from your starting date onward you get access to the entire catalog of everything we've recorded so If you have some time and you want some stuff to listen to, that Patreon is going to be a saving grace.

You can go all the way back to that escape room we did where Adal got stuck in a ball pit and I almost killed him.

No.

Its Opposite Day, so dont follow me on Instagram at erinkeif10. I would hate that.

And Erin, since it's opposites, how do we do this?

I'll just spell, I'll say it backwards. Wait, no, no, no.

No, yeah, no, I want to hear her do this now.

She already committed that she could do it backwards. Say it backwards or spell it backwards?

Well, Erin, whenever you fucking figure that out, I'm just going to say hello for now and I'm protected. So, we just want to make sure that you don't look the fool. Okay, she's writing down. She's putting it on her phone. Oh boy. She's putting it on her forehead and looking into a mirror.

Riddle Riddle. Riddle Pudge. Riddle Pudge.

Oh, we can't go on on that.

Riddle Pudge.

She said Riddle Pudge. Adal, hello for now.

That was a Headgum podcast.