Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast. Ready?

Yep. You left the door open. Rude. Were we podcasting the whole neighborhood, Erin?

It was funny. Alright.

All right class, have a seat. I'm your substitute teacher and I will be teaching about riddles today. What do we know about riddles?

What makes you qualified to do this?

Well, I went to high school. I've listened to over 90 episodes of a riddle podcast.

Can't you roll in a TV and we can watch something? What's that movie?

Hold on. I need to address a lie. You've listened to 90 episodes of a Riddle podcast. I know for a fact Riddle podcasts don't exist. That's an unpalatable combination, my man. Over 90 episodes. What's your name? My name? Stand up. What's your name? My name is Clark Kent. Take off your shirt. Take off those glasses. I guess I'm going to the next town.

What's the movie that I'm thinking of?

Remember the Titans? What's the podcast I'm thinking of? Let's say, Riddle Riddle. I'm Adal Rifai. I'm JPC.

And I'm Erin Keif. We're sitting in a different order than we normally do. Making me feel seasick.

We're sitting on a boat. We're sitting in boat order.

So I just have a question. It's an Erin episode, so that means we're going to talk for a while before we get into the riddles, because that's what I enjoy. What's up?

Your question to the table is what's up.

What's up?

Okay, it's a 2014 Pixar movie. It's about an old man.

Is that what it's about? It's about an old man.

It's about an old man and a boy scout. I thought it was about balloons.

Adal, you weren't at World News last night. Where were you?

That is correct. I was not at World News last night. Last night I did 10 minutes of improv for something called Geeks Who Drink, which is a very cool trivia, pub trivia type competition. It was in a massive auditorium atrium at the end of Navy Pier. Agitorium. At the end of Navy Pier. That's what you call an old folk song, right? At Agitorium.

Welcome to the Agitorium.

Wait a second. No, this is a retirement.

No, no, no. Grandma, you're going to the agentarium.

It's like a crematorium.

You're over 80. You in public will not do.

Um, so is it Navy Pier?

Is it Navy Pier? Did 10 minutes of improv? They might be Giants was playing, so I get to see them. And yeah, it's very fun. There's a lot of, uh, it sounds like we have a lot of crossover between pub trivia fans and people who listen to the show. Oh, okay.

So there's a lot of people there who recognize me from the show. And yet famously, we don't do trivia on this show.

No, we do riddles, but pub trivia is more like what we do. Because straight up trivia is like what's the capital of Arizona, right? Your butt. But pub trivia is like if you remove a letter from this famous, you know, rapper, it'll form something else.

Your butt.

Mm-hmm. Perfect. Erin, we'd love to get you on a pub trivia team.

I'm the worst.

The name of our team is your butt.

You know what? When I was dating around... From the apps.

Erin paused to put a music stage.

I was dating around. A lot of guys for the first or second date wanted to do pub trivia. And I was like, that is a great sixth or seventh date. What? I do not want to go to pub trivia for a first or second date. That's a terrible first or second date idea.

Erin, this is my new segment called You're Wrong.

Here's what I think. I think most people do like movies and stuff on a first date.

I think that's terrible because

You watch a movie, there's nothing to talk about. You can't talk during the movie. I also think a lot of people do dinners or something where that's like two hours of talking. So I think pub trivia is a nice balance between we can talk in between rounds, we're talking to suss out the answer, but there's also this distraction in terms of like we're both Collectively doing this thing. So I think it's a good balance where you're not, it's not like, so what else can we talk about? There's like a constant injection.

No, it's a smart, it's also like a smartness test. If a guy suggests that I'm like, Oh, you want me to be smart?

Was this when you dated Bill Gates?

Yeah, that's when I did.

Well, so here's the thing. I think that like some pub trivia is that are like the really hyper competitive, like, you know, people wear the fucking shirts and they do the pub trivia thing. That would be, I'd be like, no, no, no, that's a terrible date.

It's also strange though because it would just be the two of us on a team together. And people are like, oh they're on a first. It's just too weird. What if you lose? It's just strange.

Did he put the team name as sex tonight? Question mark?

I would like a pub trivia on a second date or first date. Well, maybe not a first date. Maybe a second date because it does give you space to talk in between, especially if you weren't taking it too seriously. Because I feel like I'd go into pub trivia on a second date and they'd be like, And now, like, what Olsen, and I'd be like, I don't fucking know, like, I have no idea what this is. Hey, like, talk to me about, like, what age you were when you first lost a tooth or whatever you say on dates.

Is that what you say on dates?

My questions are all about your teeth.

I guess I didn't end up dating any of them, but the one guy I did that with rolled his eyes twice when I didn't know something. What? This fucking is boring. Here's my advice for first dates. Then it's a good purity test. I think people in motion, you should be walking or moving. That is always helpful for a date.

Erin, based on what you're saying, if we were to ever go on a date, you ask, you're my queen, I would take you to a petting zoo and my queen can walk wherever she wants.

And I can kill what I want to eat.

I would point, I'd say pick one and you'd point to one and I'd kill it and cook it up for you. And they'd be like, Oh my God, you can't do that. And I'd be like, here's some money. And they're like, sir, this is $3.

Um, yeah, that's what I think about that. But I mean, I do love like pub trivia. Just, I don't think it's a good first date. Um, JPC, what's up with you?

What is up with you? You're sweating profusely. Your eyes are shifting all over the room.

Yeah, I'm sweating. I'm wearing a vest that has lots of bright lights on it. And there's that white van out front. Yeah, sure.

It says, not a cop pizza.

I'm not a cop pizza.

Are you wearing a wire? So, what's up with me? Well, it is the end of April, so what am I doing right now?

That's what the Ninja Turtles said every episode. Is this the end of April?

The Ninja Turtle, John Travolta.

Seriously?

Shell shock? Yeah, no, nothing. I'm good. Everything's fine.

Great.

Things are good.

I had a lot of fun in World News with you last night.

Okay, now again, it's the end of April.

I know, but right now, in this moment, we had a lot of fun together.

December 7th.

We had, like, some of the lowest numbers we've had in a long time. It was five and five for both shows, which is... For audience. Yeah, and I was the only lady for both shows. So I had to play a lot for people to think that there were women in the show.

The only woman. There were many ladies in the show.

Oh my god. But J.P.C. and I did a scene where we were two parents trying to throw Coachella in our living room for our son.

Two parents?

Two parents, no two parents, but I had a lot of fun doing that.

That's awesome. In that scene we also, Erin inadvertently tried to have sex with her son.

I didn't mean to.

And then she realized that she had done that and she said, oh no no no no.

This is what happened, okay?

Tremaine. Tremaine, yeah. It was his first time sitting in. He's amazing.

But he played our son and I said the line, you know, I can pretend to be someone else. And I was going to pretend to be like his friend from college. And the whole audience went, ooh. And I went, not what I meant, but it is now. And then I hit on him. But I wasn't going to. I only did because the audience didn't want me to.

So because the audience disagreed with your choice, you doubled down.

Well, it wasn't my choice. It wasn't even disagreement. They were just uncomfortable with seeing a mother fuck their son. Which is weird.

Which wasn't my intention.

Pull up any of those perverts Pornhub search results.

I remember doing a scene. I did a scene. Casey. I did a scene a few months ago where it was like the first scene of the show and the article was about like endangered wildlife or something and I was like I said I said something where I was like well let's have this meeting and then I was like you know let's not let let's not let this like let this let this play out like it did with baby seals or something and once I said baby seals I didn't even say club baby seals I just said the word baby seals and the whole audience went oh and I was like really like the first thing the First scene just saying the words baby seals. Maybe they were reacting to you and your energy. I was making a jerk off motion and then a wipe my face and taste it motion. I know I see what they're doing. Never mind.

Case closed.

You know what I love about the wipe my face and taste it motion? Without the jerk off motion, it's completely out of context. But people still know that it's a wipe my face and taste it motion.

The only thing that's up with me is... Oh, Erin, what's up with you? I had a dog trainer tell me that my dog is stupid. I told this to JPC last night. She was like, your dog is dumb. You have a dumb dog? She is especially stupid, even for a dog. She called her a rube. She called my dog a rooob.

I want to meet your dog. I'm so excited to meet her. I will only call her a roob.

That's fine.

Lou the roob.

Sean and I were like, yeah, of course she is. We have a very dumb dog and our dog is dumb.

Can I ask, did this person put her through the ringer of like, here's some tests or here's like... Yeah, let me ask, how quickly into her meeting Lou did she identify Lou as a dumb dog?

It took about 30 minutes, and then when we were all finally sitting down, she took a big inhale in and went, okay, your dog is dumb.

Here's what I want to do. This is called Smart Dog, Dumb Dog. So I'm going to give a scenario of what might happen. Erin, you're going to tell me what a smart dog does. Jay, if you're going to tell me what a dumb dog does. Okay, great. When I say sit, a smart dog, sit. When I say sit, a dumb dog, shit. When I say speak, a smart dog, hello. When I say speak, that's a genius dog. When I say speak, a dumb dog, elbow. When I say beg, a smart dog, please. When I say beg, a dumb dog, my knees.

When I say Down Girl, a smart dog. When I say Down Durl, a dumb dog.

I'm a dog.

I love that. What's up with me?

A little Goofus and Gallant. Yeah, that dog trainer, by the way, she's wonderful. I really, really... Incredible. I really love her. If you're in Chicago and you want a referral for a great, great dog trainer who specializes... Truly amazing. Who specializes, I should say, in anxiety, tweet at the show, we'll hook you up with that.

And famously, Dr. Anderson, Chicago, no ketchup?

Yep.

Oh yeah, yeah. That's funny. And then trainers are also tennis shoes. What to do with that?

What to do with that?

What are you, in Britain? Nice trainers, bruv. Nice trainers, bruv. Believe, believe, trust.

The other big thing in my life is I'm doing a bunch of research to how expensive it would be to dye my hair blonde.

Ooh, what's your findings?

I'm super expensive. I can't afford it to keep it up. Really? Yeah. I will in like another year or so when I'm more gray, I think, because then I can do longer times before between hair dimes.

So what's the difference? Like, can't you just get a box of dye and dye your hair?

So with blonde, since I have naturally like reddish brown hair, I would have to bleach my hair and then dye it blonde. And in order for that to look normal and for me not to burn my hair off, I'd have to go to a salon and do it.

Why does Sean want you to have your hair blonde?

He did not. He's just trying to be nice.

He's been referring to you as Carol.

But yeah, I mean, I know that.

Erin, the show will pick it up.

How much is it? We can't afford it. The show will pick it up. The show will pick it up. How much is it? It's gonna be like $350. I told you, I can't afford, I can't even have a little bit of Florida haircut like that.

Why do you want to go blonde?

Well, I'll tell you. So I'm going very, very gray very quickly, which I anticipated because my mom went gray really young. But the in-between looks really weird. And then I also audition for TV shows and commercials. And anytime I let my hair grow a little bit gray, they're always like, if you were fully gray, it'd be one thing, but the in-between looks really strange on camera. So I have to continually dye my hair. And I think I would have to dye it less if I was blonde. But also it's like, I'm in a weird in-between.

How often do you have to dye your hair?

I have to cover up my gray like once every eight, six to eight weeks. Okay.

But that's when I'm being lazy. You started going gray at a young age and J.P.C. started going blue at a young age. I started blowing gray at a young age. It's a real made December blowjob. You went down on Spalding Gray, right?

Maybe, I'm just thinking, I'm trying to like secret that like in three years I'm gonna be really rich and then I'll dye my hair blonde.

Erin, do you think once you go bond you'll have more fun?

I think so probably. I haven't had fun yet in my life, but fingers crossed.

I think my gray is uncomfortable with. I was thinking about if there was a point where I would want to dye my hair as well, but I honestly, I don't really give a shit about it anyway. I haven't had a haircut in like 16 weeks. No, it's been longer. It's been like five months.

What's the most amount of money you'd spend on a haircut?

Um, I don't know, probably $40.

Isn't that crazy that haircuts are that much? Yeah. I mean, people who cut hair deserve the money, but I'm like, oh my God.

I mean a haircut for me takes like 25 minutes and I pay like $35 for it, I guess. That seems fair to me. I did go, I think I may have told this story before, there's a place like right next to my house that I liked. I've been there one time and I really liked it and I called them one time to see if I could get a haircut and they were like, we're booked for the next two weeks. We're booked for the next two weeks and we're potbellies. Please stop that.

And we gave you that as a favor one time because you looked fucking disgusting. But you were going to play some songs on his door?

But I called them. That would be the saddest day at the sandwich shop. I was like, can we please give you a haircut? You look terrible.

The salon owner, the person who owns the salon who it's named after, they are available and they can give you a haircut, but their haircuts start at $100. And I was like, no. I don't need it that bad. I wouldn't pay $100 for it. That's wild. They wash your hair after it's done. Really?

Yeah.

Isn't that weird? And you can't, it's like a haircut and a wash and it's all one thing you can't, yeah.

They're cash only too. It's weird. My mom is a barber. Can I do what's really going on? There's a secret behind that. Barbers typically, at a certain point, maybe like after a few years, you start to develop a taste for hair. So what they do is, at the end, you should see him smiling like a fucking creep right now.

Adals never smiled more than he is.

At the end they want to make hair soup. So what they do is they wash your head, get all that sweet, sweet, loose hair. And then when you leave, they lock the doors, make a little stew, throw in some little child bones, make a little hair soup. And your musical is bad, correct? No, it's in progress. It's in limbo and in progress. It's in limbo. Rush Limbaugh has my musical.

Are we ready for some riddles?

No.

Here are some warm-up riddles. I said no. That come from Aiden Davick. You can use my full name. From Chicago. Back with some original riddles. Are you ready?

I would just like to thank Aiden for aiding us with some riddles.

Yes, thank you.

I said homeboy, I don't know their gender, so home person.

Well, Aidan, thank you so much. They have written some original riddles or original riddles. Orgy riddles.

Orgy riddles.

Orgy riddles, as they call them. These are classic, what am I, style riddles? Those are my favorite.

Who would you fuck if you're in a big house and there's people there fucking from house to house?

It's the Lorax.

The Lorax and his orgy riddles.

I speak for the orgy.

I am the Lorax. You're coming too loud.

Are you coming for the crowd?

But coming at all is something to be proud. What's your Aiden's riddle?

Uh, they have sent us two. And this is the first one. I am a symbol of freedom, a symbol of pain. I thrive in the air, but fall in the rain. I am the portent of victory or the surrender to a foe. Most everyone knows me, but I'm different wherever you go. What am I?

White flag. Language. Lady Liberty.

Smoke. Ooh, I want to say smoke. Uh, is it a scent? Is it a scent?

Nope, you sort of got, the first thing you said is sort of... White flag?

Is it flag? Ooh, surrender, or freedom, or biscuits already?

You know the song that's like, you probably don't know this, it's sort of a deep cap that like, oh say can you see... Never heard it.

Sounds familiar.

By the Donserly light.

Will I have some more of that?

I want to see a scene. You two are on that boat fighting in a war and you're seeing the American flag and you know that you've won. Francis, it's me Scott.

I think the key to our song is that we have to write lyrics about what we're seeing. Now what a beautiful, important moment this is. So let's start to just riff on what we see, and we'll add that to the song. That'll be lyrics. So like, there is Daniel's brains out, and there's smeared on the deck, and that dog's running loose.

I need someone to write this down with. Orson, Scott, give me that card. Let's write this down now, okay?

Okay. Okay. Start again. Start again. Okay. Well, I entered my game. Okay. Well, let's see. What do I see now? Oh, look, there's Sarah. She's breaking up with Dan, who just died in her... Hold on. I just died in your... That's nothing.

That's nothing.

What do you see? You say something. Here, give me the card. Okay. What do you see?

And dance on his knees. He's begging Sarah to stay. And she spits in his mouth while his mouth is wide open.

I love that. This is good. Oh, can I ask you something? Yeah. What's a rampart? Because I saw those two rams just parted ways. Oh I thought it was what Tony Hawk was doing with that spray paint bottle. Oh when he did a 1080 Jesus into a rampart?

I just spit in my boyfriend's mouth and then he died alone.

We can't tell.

Does that star spangled banner?

The flag? Wait, what did you call it?

Star spangled banner?

The flag.

Oh fuck, what am I saying?

You're saying star spangled banner? Which just call a flag a flag.

Yeah, but we're the land of the free and the home of the brave.

Hold on, let me settle this. Bruce. Uh-huh. Bruce, your last name's Banner, right? Yeah. What would you call that thing right there? Uh, that? That's a Hulk, baby. See? That's my secret. I'm always freedom.

Are we ready?

Yes. Wait, for what?

Another Riddle, you stupid idiot! Yes! That's the most fun I've ever had calling someone a name. Why was that so satisfying?

You rube, you simple rube.

I have a lock and many keys. I have my own language that accomplishes many things. I exist in physical and virtual space. My function is to delineate and also erase. My usage can create and foster connections. I have every capital and also direction.

USB. Keyboard. What's the OnStar? Or what's the fucking Magellan? What's the fucking thing? What's going on? What's the thing that sits in your car and gives you maps?

Ramparts.

Ramparts. Take the left rampart. A Garmin? A Garmin.

GPS.

GPS.

Is it a GPS? No. Is it a keyboard?

It's a keyboard.

Keyboard cat. I want to say a scene. You're in a movie and JPC you're a hacker and you're hacking into the mainframe and Adal's trying to get you to go faster.

Mmm. Okay. Okay. I'm not clicking. Okay. Get into the mainframe. I'm hacking into the mainframe. Scooter. Come on. Scooter. There's so many firewalls that I have to bypass right now. Yeah. Take them down. Okay. I'm taking the firewall. One is down and I'm yes. Go, go, go. I've got a skeleton key and I'm entering into the access. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Stop. Stop typing for a second. I'm sorry. I'm in the zone. This is just a Microsoft word document and it says S L D G F R R R D T 2 2 5 4 4 4 3 L L S W.

In the little paper clip, do you need help?

It looks like you're trying to hack into the mainframe. You're just slamming a keyboard and typing into a Microsoft Word.

It seems like you're trying to pretend you're a hacker. Do you need help? OK.

Clippy. Can I be honest with you? I don't know how to hack. I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm nowhere near close to getting into the mainframe.

Would you like to get a little kiss from Clippy?

Hold that thought, Clippy, because I want to take you up on that. Can I say something? Seems like a separate direction for the seed to go, which I am interested in following. So put a clip in it. I'm gonna leave this scene and why don't you kiss Clippy. Okay, is that fun?

Yeah, and then I'll come back to this thing. So keep your thing. You promise? Keep it hot. You're gonna put a pin in it? Bob, put a clip in it.

I actually don't really love pub trivia as a first date, so can we like go somewhere else?

I'm Clippy? Yeah, Clippy. Which NBA player was known as the Round Mound of Rebound? Oh, I know this, it's Carl Malone.

I'm not into this, Clippy.

Do you want to go home with me?

What'd you say? Yeah, I mean you're... I'm Clippy.

I can give you instructions.

You're very bendy.

What Microsoft Word mascot is married? Okay, you said you had an idea? You said you had an idea? Yeah, but I was trying to support this last scene. Let's go back to that. Okay.

I'm married!

You're married?

I'm married to another computer thing that would probably be... Mavis Beacon?

What's going on in here? It's me, Norton Antivirus.

My boring, boring.

Are you fucking my Clippy?

Not yet. Norton Antivirus always pops up.

Ew.

Clippy does not have STDs. He's Norton Antivirus.

What fucking soup of a scene?

Okay, Clippy does not have protected sex.

I feel so much better with that.

I'm sorry.

It looks like you're trying to fuck me without a condom.

Casey laughed because Casey knows it's true. Clippy is having fucking wild sex with no protection.

I'm sorry. It looks like you want to raw dog me.

Casey.

But you don't be sorry. God almighty.

What have we done to deserve this show? I'm sorry, did you want to eat out Clippy?

This is a podcast for kids. Thank you, Adan. This next riddle is from Lyric. Hi, I'm Lyric. I'm a long time listener and recent patron. Thank you so much.

Whoa, you mean that Lyric went to patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle and gave us $5, $8, or $1 a month? They did. And that's the money that keeps us afloat and alive and puts food in our mouths and food in our butts. And blood in our dogs.

That helps us pay the people who work to make this podcast happen. It does.

We don't pay Casey. No, I do.

Don't tell. People are going to believe.

I give Casey a ride down here every day, and I give him $450 of Wendy's. It'll last them all week.

It might help if you read this.

And we pay K.C. Let's not start this joke. We pay K.C.

too much. You started it! This is stupid as fuck, Riddle. My great-grandpa used to tell me all the time. Are we ready?

Yes.

Twelve men passing by. Twelve pants hanging high.

What's his voice?

Each of them took a pair and left eleven hanging there.

Did you have instructions to use this voice?

Shut up. 12 men passing by. 12 pants hanging high. Each of them took a pair and left 11 hanging there.

So 12 men saw 12 pants. Each one of them took a pair. But there's 11 pants. I think I know the answer. A pair, P-E-A-R. It's a pair tree. One man took pants to carry all the pairs in. They just took 12 pairs. Nope.

But I ate a partridge in a pear tree for dinner.

I know what it is. What? 12 men approached a tree with 12 pants. They each took a pair, meaning they forgot why they were there. They looked down, they saw their testicles. They cupped them and walked away.

Okay. I want to see a scene, Adal. You are... Why?

Why?

It's not anything to do with that. I wasn't listening to what he said. You're Johnny Cash near the end of his life, unfortunately. But near the end of his life, he put out a lot of work. So you're going to be putting out what is to be Johnny Cash's last album. American Four? It's American 5. Or was it American 3, his last album? Maybe. Okay, it doesn't matter. Which was a great album. All those records were on it. This is Johnny Cash's last album. He's past his point where he's actually still doing good work. And you're going to be singing a song about 12 men walking past a pear tree, getting their pants off of it, and it's going to go pretty quickly into incoherence. Great. Alright Mr. Cash, you're an absolute legend. We're so happy to be recording with you. Thank you, honey.

Take one. You're my wife, right?

Why don't we just record take one of 12 pants and action.

I went down to a tree wearing twelve pants. I took off those pants and I had gonorrhea. And I killed, killed, killed, killed that whole town, killed that whole town.

Okay, and now, Mr. Cash, so you told us you had a new song.

I am a dying man.

This sounds like the song wearing a fire that you wrote many years ago.

I wrote this song. I thought I was stealing from Hank Williams.

You know what?

If you wouldn't mind, maybe we just skip that song. Sounds like we got most of that.

Should I change my name to Johnny Venmo? Is that something?

Don't try to correct my jokes. Don't try to correct my jokes. Don't try to correct my jokes. Don't try to correct my jokes. Don't try to correct my jokes. Don't try to correct my jokes. Don't try to correct my jokes. Don't try to correct my jokes. Don't try to correct my jokes. Don't try to correct my jokes.

Don't try to correct my jokes. Don't try to correct my jokes.

Don't try to correct my jokes. Don't try to correct my jokes. Don't try to correct my jokes.

Hey there, let me tell you a little story about Clippy, my lost love, little icon on my screen, making sweet love, little metal penis going in my mouth.

All right, okay, I think we got that one.

I think we're actually going to bring June Carter Cash in for this one. I mean, you're going to sing that famous duet.

Is that little Wayne's real name, June Carter? Go away from my PC, leave at your own chosen speed. And I'm tinkering around on my Alienware, but I've dropped my glasses I can't see.

I'm here to be on a computer, cause I'm on a PC.

Yeah, and I'm here on Geocities to make a web page for my Ditties.

Is it PC you're looking for?

PC. Babe. P.C. you're looking for.

Clippy joined us in our bed together.

Had a threesome with Clippy, the most metallic tasting pussy.

We're gonna recap what kind of sex it was. Johnny, Cash, June, Carter, Cash, and Clippy from... Johnny, Johnny, June, Johnny, June.

I've got great news.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I've got great news.

Wait, why is she apologizing? John and June, I've got great news. We weren't recording any of that. That's fantastic news.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. Look, we're sorry. Did you listen to that? I thought it was going to be better. I had no control over it. We're going to take a brief break. We're going to think about our crimes. We're going to come back here completely refreshed and we're going to solve this fucking riddle with the 12 pants. We'll see you after a brief commercial.

When I say stay, a smart dog does. I'm staying. When I say stay, a dumb dog does. I'm bringing pee-haw. Jesus. Welcome back. We're a couple of dumb dogs.

Let's finish this riddle from lyric. 12 men passing by. 12 paints hanging high. Each of them took a pair and left 11 hanging there.

When you say Eecham took a pair, is that something we should investigate? Is that the crux of the riddle? Eecham?

It is.

So the guy's name is Eecham?

It is. Ugh. In lyrics defense, they told us that this was stupid.

I want to see a scene. The two of you are new parents. You have tried to name your child Eecham. The government has started a battle with you, so you have to rename it.

All right, well, I'm at a loss, honey, because Eachum is my only name that I like.

We said we either named the baby after your grandfather and my grandfather, and since they're the same man and his name's Eachum, that's what we chose. And the government gonna try to come out here and tell us we can't name our baby Eachum.

All right, honey, I'm gonna try to stay positive. Let's try to make up a name, you and I, right now.

All right, ready? Just with sounds, all right. Pickle Rick.

Alright, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, Sexy Clippy.

That's what it was.

That's pretty good. Okay. Wait, you like that? So we'll name the baby Eechum. Wait, what did you like? Sexy Clippy. Oh, I liked Eechum.

Adal Rifai it is.

See.

Can't believe we got to see her origin story. Pretty exciting.

That's how I was named. My parents share the same grandpa. Well, everybody's parents share the same grandpa.

Are we ready? Are we ready? Hey cuties. Ready?

It's called an Indianapolis Apex.

When I say sleep, a smart dog goes... Good night. When I say sleep, a dumb dog goes... Gunfight.

Bang, bang, bang.

Okay. So these are from Joel. And they're really fun. They're sort of like only connect style.

Does Joel say they're fun or do you say they're fun?

I say they're fun.

What does Joel say about them?

Joel says this. Give this a name. I don't know what it should be. I'll give you four crossword, fuzzy style clues. The answer to each fuzzy is a different word or words. Once you have solved the four clues, come up with a final word that all four of the clues have in common.

And this is Joel Madden?

Yep. That would be amazing.

This is Joel Murray.

Uh, yes. No. Um, uh, these are, that sounds a little complicated. Um, well, let's, this, we'll do this example one.

Oh, well, the good news is I wasn't listening.

Ready? Avril Lavigne's skater.

Boy.

Great. Billy Idol's eyes without a... Boy.

No. Eyes without a what? Body? Nope. Billy Idol's eyes without a head? Is this a hit song? Eyes without a face?

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Death, blank, and blind.

Hey Riddle.

Boy, dumb, face, ah.

Boy, dumb, face, ah. What's a word that you'd add to all of those? Boy, face, ah, ah, yeah. Face, yeah. Son. Ah, boy. Boy-some. Boy-some. You're very boy-some. Can I just say, this pasta is so boy-some.

I will tell Chef Boyardee. Mark, I haven't seen you since school got out and over the summer you got so boy-some.

Covered in pasta, I know.

Ah, fuck. Oh, fuck. Okay, I see it. Cool. Yeah.

That first one didn't count.

The R could take her leave, but the rest are good. Yeah.

That first one didn't count. Here are the real ones. A Monopoly token.

Just like losing your virginity, the first one doesn't count. Just like losing my virginity, a monopoly took it. You gotta lose your toys, baby. I fucked a tiny hat.

Yeah.

That gives you some insight into my penis size.

I fucked the, um, wheelbarrow. What are them pieces?

Hey baby, I either fucked a tiny hat or an enormous... I fucked the trouble board.

It broke up with me.

You love those bad boys, trouble board. Sorry. If you could fuck any board game, what would it be?

Probably, no.

Crossfire. Don't wait, Daddy.

13 dead end drive.

Pretty, pretty princess. What's the volcano one? That's not a board game. That's a science fair project, my man. Oh, Operation. Make that nose line up so satisfying.

Not again.

That's bleak. Give us the nose.

Okay, a Monopoly token.

Hat, dog.

You got it, you got it, you got it. Who's hat? Spaghetti.

Dog.

What a swabi uses?

What Usnavi is this?

No, what a swabi uses. I don't know what that means. A swabi? How do you spell it? S-W-A-B-B-I-E.

Swabi. What a swabi is? Is that the question?

Uses. Uses. So it's like, I can also just like, what a janitor may use.

Swabi's what they call a cotton swab. I say, Gemma, can you bring me a swabi? What country is this person from?

I don't know.

A swabi.

Swabi to clean my ear holes.

A member of the Navy. Typically one with a low rank. See, we're learning something.

Do we think that this person is a military person?

Well, we'll find out.

Because I've never heard the word swabi before. So what was the answer to that one?

What a swabi uses.

So a mop or what?

Yep, a mop. A farmer's yield.

Farmer's yield is a sign.

No.

A farmer's yield. Farmer's stop. A farmer's yield.

That's like a California stop. Yeah. A farmer's yield is when you just roll through a left-hand turn. On a combine.

I gave him a farmer's yield.

Farmer's yield is going to be crops.

Yep. So, hat, dog, mop, crop.

Hat, dog, mops, crops. Dog tops.

No, what?

Oh, these are lyrics from Johnny Cash's last album before he died.

What's the word that you add?

Hats, crop, mop, tops.

Tops? Top hat, top top. Top hat, top top, mop top, crop top. Top hat. Okay, so I want to see a scene.

I'm kind of a dog top.

You're two fancy gentlemen and you're both buying monocles in the monocle store and you're both wearing top hats.

Oh dear, let's take a look here so I can see. It's hard to tell what monocle to buy when I don't have a monocle to see the monocles.

You didn't bring one of your other monocles to buy a monocle? Yes.

Is this awkward for you, David Schwimmer, because your sister's monocle?

Let's see, how could I fuck you over here? Monocle, monocle.

Let's get back to purchasing them. Oh, okay. Excuse me, storekeep.

Yes.

Pardon me. This monocle here, can you tell us what type of glass this is?

Of course. This is glass that we broke from a window in the fanciest building we've ever seen.

Excuse me, Monocle Salesman. Yes? Can you not use such a fancy accent? My friend and I are millionaires and you look like a Monocle Salesman. So please, don't presume to use our rich people accent.

Yes, of course. That's this.

And it seems like you're wearing no. We didn't mean to bother you while you were in the restroom.

You're on the swabber.

Pass whatever you need to pass.

Well, you have two monocles tied together through a paperclip.

Glasses, you idiot.

Yes, that's what I'm saying. That's more glasses than it is monocles.

No, it's two monocles. I call them glasses, but they're monocles.

Well, you called me an idiot, so I will take my leave. Honestly, they look like try-to hardfocals if I am being honest.

Ooh, shots fired.

I have more money than the two of you combined.

Let's say how much money we have.

On the count of three. Let's put it all on the table, right? Let's fuck our tiny little hats if you took partlets of the times.

Two, three billion dollars.

What?

What did you say?

$30 billion. What did you say? I made an O with my mouth because I'm bankrupt. I built a hotel in St. Charles' place and I'm ruined.

Back to the riddles from Joel.

Back to the riddles.

Back to the riddles now. Did we get this one?

Yeah, you got it. Ready? Types of this are violet, almond, buckwheat, and brook bright.

Characters in Charlie Chalk Factory.

Yeah, brook bright.

There's violet, there's buckwheat.

Ready? Types of things that are violet, almond, buckwheat, and brook bright. Types of this. Flowers. They're all flowers. If I just met JPC only five minutes ago and I asked him out on a date, you might say that I'm... Thirsty.

A creep. Thirsty.

No.

One word. Ruining Mariah's life? No.

A cuck. Forward.

Forward? So hold on. Flower forward. Which of course Carmelon was a flower forward.

What you do when climbing a rope in gym class?

Fall.

Get made fun of because of my butt.

Burn.

What's another same?

Drop.

Oh, I am.

Tired.

I am. I'm having a hard time doing this.

I can't reach this ball. Notching this top. Rope burn. Rope. You're having a hard time. Weak.

No, I'm, oh, the blank is real.

The shit is real. Struggling. Struggle.

This word is said twice in the title of David Bowie's item.

I'm sorry, can we recap? Struggle. Flower. What was the other one? Rebel. Forward. Struggle. Flower. Forward. Sorry.

The word is said twice in the title of David Bowie's album.

That would be Aladdin Aladdin.

He has a song called Rebel Rebel. Does he have an album called Rebel Rebel?

No. It's not that.

Oh boy.

You can probably get it from those first three. Flower, forward, struggle. What's a word that you add to those?

Flash.

No.

Flash forward. Flash flower. Forward. Fast. Fast struggle. Fast forward. Furious. Too fast, too furious.

Think of flower.

Too flower, too petals. Flower. Flower Garden. Flower.

Flower.

Power. Power forward.

Power Struggle. Power Station is the David Bowie one.

Power Bottom. I'm a dog who should power bottom.

Are we ready for the next one? Yes.

I'm a dog. My name's David Bowie. Dance, baby dance.

You remind me of the babe. What babe? The babe with the dog. What dog? What dog? The dog with the struggle. Struggle. Who do? Do what? Remind me of the dog. I saw my dog.

Dog. Dog. What? When a dog... When a good dog is reincarnated as David Bowie, it's... Forget it.

I'm gonna do the labyrinth song in my vaudeville voice. You remind me of the babe. What babe? The babe with the power. What power? The power of the voodoo. Who do you do? Do what? Remind me of the babe. Who's on first? This art form's dead.

That art form died, but that voice should have stayed. Okay, I want to see a scene, Adal. You're going to be a vaudeville doctor. Now, everything that you're doing is very serious, but you're going to be using the vaudeville voice to do it. I'm going to be a patient, and Erin is going to be a concerned nurse.

Oh, hey there. Who's it? What's it? Jesus. Sorry to see you.

I'm your doctor here.

Dr. Florentine.

Dr. Florentine here.

Florentine, just in time. What's going on?

Is this like a Patch Adams thing?

Oh, Patch Adams. No, he is the resident here.

And just to be fair, I didn't patch Adams. I operated on him. What? Adams, you know the patient next door? Oh, yeah, Mr. Adams? Yes. I didn't patch him up.

He died. Can you give him the... Oh, yes.

Let me give you the news. Do you want the headline or the full story? Well, I don't know what that means. I guess I just need to know what's- I'll give you a little bit of both! What's wrong with- Man has weeks to live! Okay. How many weeks? How many weeks? How many weeks?

Well, in a hospital, everyone's week.

What's that? Remember when we did that thing, that meeting about bedside manner? Oh, sex? No, no, no. The meeting we had about like being nice to people when we tell them that they're dying.

Oh, yes, yes, of course. Well, let me, sorry, let me rephrase that. What do you think you have? Well, I don't know. I just came in with stomach pains. Cold? Stomach pains. Colder? Colder. I guess my head kind of hurt a little bit. Colder. Maybe my chest like warmer.

Let's call him off the earth. He's dead. Time of death. Time of death.

He heardy. That is dark. Okay, ready?

Yes.

What scissors are scared of? What scissors are scared of? Paper. Paper cuts. Rock.

Rock. Rock. Rock.

Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock.

Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock.

Oh, yeah, it's like what I don't know is that it's smoky as hell.

It's smoky as hell. I'm gonna take your Rudy poo jabroni ass outside. Is that halibut? Are you cooking halibut? I'm cooking halibut. Oh my god. I'm doing Johnson. I gotta eat proper.

Can I just talk about the elephant in the room like really quick?

Is that about my weight?

No, no, it's just like we all got like pretty drunk at the party we had last night and like I covered rock and rock kind of like pounded scissors and scissors like you like cut into me like in the most beautiful way and I just like want- Yeah we scissored. Yeah we scissored. Oh fuck that's the weight that's what I should have said.

That's where I thought you were going.

Yeah, but yeah, so we scissored. I covered rock.

I rocked your world.

I rocked Scissors World. So like I just want to like clear the air like and like maybe like talk about like what's real like what's going on? What do we do moving forward?

Okay, well Can I say something?

Yeah, what's up?

I felt like there's a lot of sexual tension because we all said one two three and

Yeah, we said best out of three.

And then it seems like we were a little clumsy and awkward in Midwestern and we said, oh shoot. And once we said shoot, it seemed like a lot of stuff happened all at once concurrently.

And I'm sorry that I came a little quicker than I thought, but then I said, I just need a best three out of five and then I'll be ready to go again. Sure.

And when scissors come, the cum comes out of? The nose.

And the nose on a scissors is... It's that little dot in the middle that makes the two blades. When a paper comes, where do papers come from? Trees. When rock comes, where do rocks come from?

Paper, can I just say, I love that you're wearing a t-shirt that says college rules.

This sucks.

This sucks, this rules.

Scene. Okay, okay.

When a paper comes, it comes from?

Trees.

When a paper comes, it comes from please.

Ready?

Yes.

So Rock was the first answer. Drop me one of these.

Beats. Line.

Yep.

Drop me a line.

A type of curve that shows normal distribution.

Breast.

Bell curve. True or false? Erin Keif is made of Lego.

False. False. So false, rock, bell, bell curve. No, bell. Bell. Bell.

False, rock, bell. What's the other one? Line. Line.

These are all Disney princesses. Falsehood.

I love that Disney princess, false. Falsehood, false.

False tooth. Rock. False floor. Oh, these are all types of lobster. Rock lobster. False lobster. Bell Lobster. Lobster Bell. It's Lobster False.

Welcome to Lobster False. There's been a murder. Murder and lobster falls. Crustacean damn near killed them.

This word is the opposite of a word that's been an answer. What?

This word is the opposite word of a word that's been an answer.

This dog is a... Cat. Power.

Bottom. Forward. Top.

Rock bottom. Bottom line. Bell bottom. False bottom.

False bottom. Oh, false bottom. Like a safe would have a false bottom.

Yeah, I don't love that. I feel like the first three are always real good. Fourth one's a bit of a struggle.

Yeah, it's almost as if you wrote them in order.

All right, here's the next one.

That's also how our podcast goes. First three, great.

Fourth one. It can be hard or a type of shaft.

Harder type of shaft. Shaft. Oh, Samuel L. Jackson. Samuel L. Jackson, yeah. Shut your mouth.

No, it can be hard or a type of shaft.

It can be hard or a type of shaft. What are all the shafts we know? Dick. We know a penis shaft, we know... Elevator shaft. Elevator shaft, we know... John's shaft. John's shaft. John's shaft. We know shaft. Getting hard, getting blank.

Oh, Shaft Boy R.D. It's either, it's like hard blank or blank shaft.

Hardball or blank ball. Hard blank or blank shaft? Drive shaft.

Mm-hmm.

Wow.

In some workplaces, this is what Friday is like.

Ice Cube Chris Tucker.

Come on.

You got knocked the fuck out. Devo's coming. Easy.

No, but it's more of a dress code. Oh, formal. Casual. You don't have formal Friday? Yeah, monocle top hat.

Everybody wears their prom dress or tuxedo. So what do we have? Look, can we recap? Sorry. We have drive and casual. Drive and casual.

Your reflection or polar? We are. Polar.

Opposites.

The type of crap.

Polar Seltzer. These are all things that attract. Drive attract. Opposites attract. Paula Abdul.

This episode is brought to you by Polar Seltzer, the only Seltzer brand.

This one is confusing to me, but I figured it out. The type of cracker that can make you rich.

Uncle, uh, JPC. I don't know how to love you. I don't know why I can't stand around and say goodbye.

The type of cracker that can make you rich is a crackle barrel because your tummy will be raised.

Thing is all right.

I'll be the one to tuck you in.

Basically who? You can break into this.

Cracker. The type of cracker that can make you rich, assaultine. It's not a food. It's not a food. Cracker. Safe Cracker. Safe.

So safe, opposite, casual drive. Sex.

Yep. Casual sex, safe sex, opposite sex, drive sex.

Drive sex.

Drive sex.

When you say drive, a good dog says... Erin... No, that's correct. That's correct. A good dog says nothing because his dog doesn't know how to drive. When you say drive, a bad dog says... How fast, baby? You're in a bad dog's car.

Another one?

Yes, ma'am.

This one is a little bit strange, but I'm going to read it anyway. You can be a sugar or you can be a baby or JPC can be mine.

This is a puzzle? What is this? Is this the same type of puzzle?

You can be a sugar, or you can be a baby, or JPC can be mine.

Daddy. Sugar daddy, baby daddy, JPC's my daddy. Oh no, is this my son?

No one does this with their phone anymore.

Put it down. Hey, talk on it.

Yeah, but what did it call?

Conversation.

I'm going to put on my bitchin' sunglasses and pop my collar. What am I now?

Cool Daddy, what was the second one?

Call.

Call.

Change it, surf it, swim it, or cross it.

Bop it.

Change it, surf it, swim it, cross it.

Pool. Wait. Change it. Change it. Change it. Surf it.

Wave. Wave. Change it.

Climate change channels. So channel. Channel Daddy. Cool. Cool Daddy.

I would say focus on... Daddy, cool, change, surf. Call and cool.

Oh, maybe. Cool me, maybe, Daddy, maybe. Call me, maybe. Cool cigarettes.

Cool, call, close call. Cool call, cool call, close cool. Cool.

What's a close cool? Cool bones. Cool bones, Daddy bones.

So Daddy? Cool.

Oh, these are all types of Adam Saylor movies. Wow. Big Daddy. 51st Cools.

51st Cools.

Are these types of spiders?

Meow.

Daddy Long Legs. Cool Long Legs. Meow. They're all types of cat. Cat Daddy.

Cat Call. Cool Cat. Channel Cat.

What is Cat Daddy?

What is Channel Cat? I don't know. What is Cat Daddy? I'll look it up. No! Thank you Cat Daddy. Okay, while Erin looks it up, Adal, I want you to... Cat Daddy.

It's a song.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Adal, you're gonna be at a spelling bee and that's all you're gonna get.

Can I have the word please? Your word is cat daddy. I'm sorry, I think I misheard you. Can you say the word again? Your word is cat daddy. Can you use it in a sentence?

You, my man, are one cat daddy. Okay. Language of origin. You can't talk to my son like that. I can if it's in this voice. Language of origin.

Wait a minute. Sir, you can't just steal anything you want in this store.

I'm taking this trident gum.

Oh, I'm sorry, of course.

Yes. Thank you. Excuse me, I'm operating on this man. I'm taking, it looks like he has water on the knee, and I'm taking the butterfly out of his stomach. Oh, you've played Operation before. I have.

You're breaking up with me?

You're insufferable to be around, and I'm keeping the couch that we bought together.

Oh, okay. That sounds nice. It makes sense.

And Mr. Cat Stevens, you only have moments to live. Do you want to lay down your final track? Please call me Yusef Islam.

Yes, I will. I thought your name was Each of... Maybe it is. I don't keep up with things. Each of... Each of Islam.

Yes, I'll lay down my final track now. And this is called the Cat Daddies in the... No, wait, you're Harry Chapin. I'm so sorry. Your name is Harry Chapin and this is... So forget all that stuff we said earlier. This is your song Cat Daddies in the Cradle with the Silverspin.

Well, the cat daddy's in the cradle with a silver spoon. Get that spoon out of his mouth. That's a silver spoon. It's got arsenic in it. A common dying agent that we use on silver spoons. That's why the nobility is always crazy. Because they're eaten from silver spoons and all the pipes are made with lead. So the Russian emperors are all fucking each other and all the Romans are shitting their brains out and marrying their cousins in. You old Italy. Time of death, three minutes ago.

Great. That's it. Hope you liked them. Personal note. Hey, Riddle Riddle is one of the highlights of my week and I appreciate everyone involved in making it all happen.

What liar put that?

That sucks. They can hear us on Highlights Magazine. And I love you all for that. I'll be sure to make it up to Chicago for a live show sometime and meet you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Joel Roche. Go ahead and use my full name if you want. Well Joel, it's a come-track and you can come to Chicago and you can always try to see at least one of us in a world news tonight show at 8 or 10 p.m. at IO Theater.

That's right baby.

Adal, anything to plug. Adal be careful during your plugs.

I want to plug my kippies. I have two little kippies, fries and briskets. Say hi to them.

Hey can we do a check-in on a brisket's weight problem?

Brisket is still a chonk, but he's learned to sit like a little human with his legs apart. I love that. Which looks really funny because he's got a belly.

He still feels chonky. That's heaven on earth.

Because he's got a belly, it's very funny and adorable. If he was skinny, it would be like, stop doing that. But since he's chonky, I'm like, you look like a little wolf or Brimley. So I love it. Um, you can check out their Instagram. I think it's at fries and brisket on Instagram, I think. Um, and check out our Patreon, patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle. It's only $5 a month. Uh, and it's fantastic.

Let's talk about some of the things that are on our Patreon. There's an episode with my parents on it. There's an episode with our significant others on it.

There's these things I do called fun shots that are like one shots with Erin and JPC playing a couple of siblings that are insane.

We did a Disney one of those and a Harry Potter one.

There's all of our freaking live shows. If we've ever done a live show and recorded it, which one of them is lost forever and only special people got to see it, then we put it up on the Patreon because we know that you, if you listen to this, you don't like fucking live shows. You don't want to hear the bad audio. You don't want to hear that.

Including the one with Rob Cordry that's up there, an escape room episode.

Do you get an escape room episode? We have an acting class. We have the Hey Red D&D episodes. They're all on there.

We have all the Hey Relationships relationships and all of the public access TVs.

I guess what we're trying to say is that we have bonus episodes.

One a week. A lot of my favorite episodes, if not most of my favorite episodes, are all accidentally over on Patreon. We didn't plan it, but here we are.

And here's a fun little thing to know. The Patreon is what keeps this boat afloat. So it's what allows us to be independent creators. So please support us.

And helps us pay artists and helps us pay Casey.

Yeah, you can, hey, pay us $5 a month and then fuck it. Don't even listen to this stuff.

Just give us that money. Most people don't. To be clear, most people do not listen.

That's how Arnie Parrott can write these sweet, sweet themes.

Most people just hang out in the Discord and talk to each other. They do not talk to us. Every time I get into the Discord it's like one of those old West towns where it's just people's clothes and it's just they drift to the floor slowly.

What's this now? JCC, what do you have to plug?

There's like a slide whistle effect that everyone goes away. Well hey, why don't I plug my dog's Instagram? I believe it's Gooty Girl. G-O-O-T-I-E-G-U-R-L, I believe is what it is on Instagram. Mariah cultivates that. It is just pictures of spaghetti. Boy oh boy, she got some good pictures on there.

Follow me, Erin Keif 10 on Instagram, and you can find my dog's Instagram through that. Wait, your dog has an Instagram now? No, I haven't made it yet, but I will. By the time it's here, it's private. What's the handle? I don't know, I haven't made it yet. We're recording this in September. You can follow me, Erin Keif 10 on Instagram. It's private, but not for you. You are allowed to follow me. So please follow me and you can message me. It takes a few weeks. Usually give me three or four weeks to respond to one of your messages. I'm getting to them. I get a lot. The gift I give myself is I'll take two weeks off of looking for them because it's like 50% criticism. But I really love the sweet ones and the ones where people are asking me questions or whatever.

I do that with responding to emails for the show. I do it on Fridays usually. So sometimes there's like 10 emails in there and then I'll just respond to them all in bulk on Fridays.

Right. So just give me a little time if you send me a message on Instagram. I get to every single one. So just give me a little second.

Oh, and while we're on this topic, because people send emails, people, I am not faulting you for doing this because we've really never said, but people send in riddles all the time. And if you do have riddles, send them into hrrpodcast.gmail.com. But if you've sent in riddles before, we have seen them, but we don't want to look at them and we don't want to open them if you put riddles in the subject line because we don't want to spoil the riddles for ourselves. So we just keep them in a special inbox. If you've already sent them, there's no need to re-send another email saying, just wanted to make sure you guys see this. We did see it, but we just haven't used it on the show yet. We may use it one day.

Yeah, I tried, we never, I never opened those emails.

Yes it says. Also, I see a lot of people as it gets warmer out wearing socks with sandals. I don't like that. If you're wearing Crocs, if you're wearing flip-flops or sandals, you shouldn't have to wear socks as well. I'm sorry.

It's a weird look because it's too warm for the socks.

I want to do two more rounds. Here we go. This time we're going to start with, Japes is the good dog and Erin is the bad dog. When I say stay, a good dog does. Stay. When I say stay, a bad dog does.

Jupiter.

That was the two rounds. Bye forever.

That was a hate gun podcast. Hey everybody, I am on my own for this one, so I'm just gonna pretend like Adal and JPC are here, and like, everything's normal. So, Adal would start by saying something like, Hey, I'm a bear, I love salmon, and I'm getting ready to hibernate. All I need is a perfect mattress to rest my head on. And then JPC would say something like, Well, we are going to find a mattress for you that's juuuuuust right. And then he'd say, Dab on my haters, grave cousins, police horse, backwards hat. And then I would say something like, you should check out Helix Sleep to find the perfect mattress for yourself. Helix Sleep has a quiz that just takes two minutes to complete and matches your body type and sleep preferences to the perfect mattress for you. Whether you're a side sleeper, a hot sleeper, you're like a plush or a firm bed, you're a bear who's trying to hibernate, you're Erin pretending to be Adal or JPC, there's no more confusion and no more compromising on an average mattress. Helix Sleep was even awarded the number one best overall mattress pick of 2019 by GQ and Wired magazine. Are you kidding me? They also have a 10 year warranty and you get to try it out for 100 nights risk free. They even pick it up for you if you don't love it, but you will. So guess what? Guess what we're going to do? I'm Adal, I'm JPC, and I'm Erin, and we're going to let you know that Helix is offering up to $200 off all mattress orders for our listeners at helixsleep.com slash riddle. That's helixsleep.com slash riddle for up to $200 off. One more time. Helixsleep.com slash riddle. I lied. Here it is again. Helixsleep.com slash riddle. Oh, that was fun Adal and JPC, wasn't it? It sure was, Erin. Dab, dab, dab. I'm JPC. I'm exhausted. Oh boy.

Uh-oh, it's Uncle Adal here. Hey, how's everybody doing? I'm doing okay. I'm here in Chicago and I have my kippies, I have my Gemma. We're doing okay. We're doing the best we can. Every day is a bit like a different Cormac McCarthy novel, but I have a little inside podcasting tip, a little secret. Lean in closer to your headphones. I don't know how you do that, but try it. Hey. Here's the inside secret. I use Feel's CBD. Yeah, that's right. In my routine, for about 8 months now, every day, around noon, and then before I go to bed, I use Feel's CBD. Feel's is a premium CBD. We're not talking, we're not talking this garbage CBD. We're not talking Boys to Men ABC CBD. We're talking premium Feel's CBD. It's delivered directly to your doorstep. You don't have to leave the house. And right now you probably can't. So that works out. Oh, you want to ask me, hey Professor Adal, I have a question. Hand raised. What does Feels do? Well, shut up for one. You're flunking my class. And two, Feels naturally helps reduce stress, anxiety, pain, and sleeplessness. Every day, my life consists of about 200 five-minute tasks that I have to do every day. And you know what? I get overwhelmed. I get anxious. I get stressed out. I take feels. And within minutes, I feel better. I feel like I'm able to focus. I'm able to accomplish what I need to do. I feel like I'm out from this Sisyphean task of menial emails. You know? Oh, but Professor Adal, hand raised. Professor Adal, another question. Different kid, but same voice. How do I take CBD? How do I take feels? You're... Put your hand down. You're doing great. You pass. We have a B+. Here's how you take it. You place a few drops of feels under your tongue. Do they give out B pluses in college? I don't know. Place a few drops of fuels on your tongue and feel the difference within minutes. The thing to remember about CBD, though, is that you want to find your right dose. That's important. And everybody doses a little bit differently. So you want to leave room to experiment over the course of a week or so. You might need to take a little bit less, a little bit more. Me, I baby bear it. Every time, perfect dose. Ooh, but Professor Adal, can I get real human support? Shut up. Of course you can. If you're new to CBD, if you've never taken CBD, fuels offers a free CBD P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, Join the Feels community to get feels delivered to your door every month. You'll save money on every order and you can pause or cancel at any time. Class dismissed. Wait. Hold on. Not dismissed. Homework for next week. What you want to do is become a member of Feels today by going to feels.com slash riddle and you'll get 50% off your first order with free shipping. That can't be right. It's got to be 5% off or 0% off. 50% off? That's too much, but I'm being told that is correct. That's Feels F-E-A-L-S dot com slash riddle to become a member today and get 50% off automatically. And free shipping! Feels dot com slash riddle. Now class is dismissed. I need to see you after class, Daniel. Please stay after class, okay? You are 45 and you should not be auditing. You have a family at home that needs you. So maybe take some Feels, reevaluate your life, Okay. And then stop coming to Riddle University.