Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast. The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Hey! Both of them were goldfish. It was the cannon of an airplane. He stabbed him with an icicle.

And the horse came riding.

At the time of the beep, the episode will be episode 90.

No, I have been trying to catch this fucking Road Rocker. Was that a beep beep or a meat beep?

Do you ever regret a bit you start?

It sounded like a beep beep. Now, I have this acne box with this log stick. No, you have acne. I'm sorry. I have pot marks all over my face. My name is Sly the Fox. I'm Elvester Flubbed.

And I'm Erin Keif from episode "#90."

This is episode "#90." Of Hey Riddle Riddle, the podcast for you, by the people. If our episode was... For kids, by kids.

If this episode was human, we'd be living in Florida, or at least snowboarding.

Yeah.

If this podcast were human, it would be dead. This podcast dies at 30.

Yeah, this podcast would have an increased risk of contracting the coronavirus. Oh, hey Riddle, that burned down years ago. Oh, this podcast is too old. This podcast is by 90-year-olds to four 90-year-olds.

Speaking of us being too old, can I just, can we just not do this one and just like watch an episode of TV instead?

Oh, yes. Yeah, of course. What do you want to watch? I would love to do that.

That's a good question. Wait a second.

Are you saying this because you have a plan?

No, we could watch reality TV or we could just watch. We could go to TBS and watch reruns of Rules and Organization BRU, Bad Riddles Unit. You know that show that's been on NBC for 30 years? Oh, right, right, right.

Yeah.

Detective show.

Of course.

You know those shows.

Love that show. Procedural, right? Yeah. And you told me before we began to accept your premise.

I asked you to accept my proposal and you knocked the ring out of my hand. It rolled down the street and into the gutter.

Well, yeah, I call a proposal a premise because you're a pre-miss. A pre-misses. Erin wanted to do for our 90th episode, she wanted to do 90 day fiance, but call it 90 episode fiance, and we told her no thanks. Yeah, we said veto on that.

Can you believe that neither of them are in love with me? Let's get to the premise.

How can we be in love with you when we have so much love for ourselves?

That's not how love works.

I'm all filled up. Thank you, though. Oh, I'm all good for just myself.

Table for one. Okay. Okay. Let's watch my favorite episode. It's actually my favorite episode. The name of this is? Rules and Organization, Bad Riddles Unit.

Rules and organization.

This was a special?

Bad Riddles Unit. Oh yeah.

It's like they are not actually solving a crime. It's just like a thing.

And so they are solving crimes on this show?

Don't worry about it. This one, you guys, this is no Riddle City, so everyone chill the fuck out. And this is sort of, it says it's brought to us by Kelly because she gave me this book at a world news show. Thank you, Kelly.

Well, we should use her real name as Tiffany Amber Thiessen.

You might know her as TV's Kelly Kapowski. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. He had to be pretty young to get that reference.

All right, so let's just watch it. And here it goes. Bum, bum. Bum, bum.

Wait, dead stop. You do know we have an audio engineer, right? Are you doing an eighth grade performance of the Telltale Heart? Bum, bum.

Oh, my mom gave you that VHS. My astronaut too. All right, here we go. Detective Midge Crunch. Detective Benny Salvam. Get into my office. It's me, Chief Veronica Latuth. You two have been stuck behind a desk for five months because of that terrible thing you did. You're not in the field anymore. Want to say what you did?

I shot a garbage man. And I pissed off a roller coaster. Not pissed off. I made a roller coaster bad. And I... When I said I shot a garbage man, I meant I launched a garbage man into space. Yes, it says. Also, can I change my name to Ocelot Daniels?

No.

You came up with Benny Salva.

And I would like to change my name to Veronica Latuth.

No. As much as you came up with Veronica Latuth four seconds before we started recording, it doesn't mean that's not mine forever. I'm who? You are Midge Crunch.

Midge Crunch. And I'm Ocelot Daniels.

No, you are Benny.

Also known as Sleepy Mystery. You are Benny Salvam.

And I am Veronica Latuth.

And I'm Midge Crunch. I'm a detective.

And you're?

Ocelot Daniels.

No, Benny Salvam. And you're a detective. And I am?

Veronica Latuth. And you're our boss, I presume.

And my cousin is Maria CVS. Is everyone clear what's going on?

Can we all say some of our cousin's names?

Yeah, of course.

Uh, George Foreman, the boxer, doesn't mind. Uh, Crystal... Pepsi? Crystal Clear Pepsi? Oh, I want to teach my name to Crystal Pepsi.

Well, you two are two of the best detectives we had.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

You were walking around New York City in the biggest suits I've ever seen. Solving crimes and saying things on sidewalks. Well, what?

Well, I was just going to say, big suits were big, uh, Talking Heads fans.

Yeah, big suits, big ties, big attitudes, solving big crimes.

Biggest suits I've ever seen is probably Megan Merkel because she's kind of the biggest name from that show. She was on Suits before she became the queen, I want to say. Wait, is this show in the 90s? Yes. Great. Great? And now I know. And now I know that. That wasn't said.

Didn't I say big suits and big ties?

Okay, yeah. Did I say Meghan Markle? What I meant was Princess Diana.

So, you've been doing enough paperwork. You've been behind the desk six, seven months doing this paperwork. I thought I'd give one of you the opportunity to go back in the field, solve some cases. So you're both going to sit here with me for about 40 minutes with 20 minutes of commercial breaks.

No, I'm good. My parents are rich.

No, no.

In the 90s, it didn't matter.

Care. Care. Care about this. Buy into these steaks.

Oh, what kind of steaks are they? Oh, are these Omaha gold?

So I'm going to give you some cases.

Are these those Trump steaks that are full of spiders?

These are these Trump steaks that you get a fake degree after you eat them.

A fake degree burn. Yes, we're ready.

We're ready. Whoever solves them first gets the point. Whoever gets the most points gets to go back into the field. The other one has to stay behind a desk.

The loser has to go apologize to that ferris wheel you peed on. What?

Are we ready? Yes. Does anyone need a big cup of black coffee?

Yeah, I'll take a big cup of black coffee. And here's my badge and here's my gun.

And big cup of black coffee?

I'd like to take a big cup of coffee.

Is everyone in the biggest suits I've ever seen?

This is the biggest one I own.

I'm Veronica Latuth. My haircut is ridiculous. My suits have the widest leg pants you've ever seen. Let's do this.

My name's Midge Crunch and my moustache is in a different zip code. We all had one ready.

When you have one ready, Adam, just say.

You just jump right in, buddy.

Benny, solve him. Okay, ready? Your first case, and then the sound effect of that goes here. Hee!

Creek slams.

A single man is found dead, face down in the snow, far from his home. There are no tracks around him, and it has not snowed in several weeks. Hundreds of people witnessed his death, but only he could have prevented it.

Smokey the Bear. Forest fires. It's not smoke, it's ash. And that's a smoking hot ash if I don't say so myself. No. Wait, what? What about it? What about it is no. Some of that must have been right. Midge? Yes.

I'm making you keep score because I don't want to.

Okay. Let me just get my little midge card.

Want me to read it again?

Please.

A single man is found dead, face down in the snow, far from his home. There are no tracks around him, and it has not snowed in several weeks. Hundreds of people witnessed his death, but only he could have prevented it.

So face down in the snow, it hasn't snowed in several weeks.

He runs a slushy machine, and he's a single man, so his partner just left him? It's a trick question. Notice there's things in a single man, because every man walks with Jesus. That's sweet. Okay, so hundreds of people saw him. Is this man a performer of some sort? Is it fake snow? Is he dying on an activity?

No.

Did he get his dick stuck in the lamb?

You can't relate everything back to you. Stop talking about your life.

Well, if you would read my Christmas newsletter, then I wouldn't have to talk about it all the time.

This is what the mystery is in this case. What was the man doing just before his death and how did he die?

I want to say he was some sort of tightrope walker because they usually are. Ah, face down in the snow.

And I got some clues if you goddamn pieces of dirt need it.

Chief, was this man single by necessity or single because of his occupation?

I don't think him being single really matters.

Well, maybe not to you, but to this man he died alone.

We all die alone.

I think as he's dying, it's probably the only thing that matters. What is this man, a virgin? You hate to see it. You hate to see it. He's face down, right?

When he dies?

When he's face down in the snow, that's important? That's what you said, right?

Yeah, that's not as important as him dying in the snow.

So he could have been face up in the snow? Well, nothing says more important than dying. Yeah, let's take a quick commercial cutaway for one of our famous 90s PSAs. Kids, I know it's fun to joke about death, but there's nothing more important than eventually doing your American civic duty and dying. You see, the Earth's getting too hot and there's too many people. The actor who plays Midge Crunch and my name is Sylvester the Cat. And this is the Morino. This is an egg. This is an egg in a pan.

This is an egg in a pan and the oven's on. Cook Breakfast Eggs. Brought to you by Paul Newman.

Hey, you're a little girl, but we're gonna get you into capitalism now. You know what? You need an easy-bake oven. That's how you'll be a good little girl or a Barbie car. Not the kind that a Barbie fits in, the kind that you fit in silly. Drive it around your neighborhood and you'll have value then. Barbie cars and easy-bake ovens. Do it to it.

Well, we finally caught the guy. So, I guess case closed on this one Chief.

No, no, no, no. No? All right.

I'm marking one point for Midge Crunch.

Here are the clues. It was windy and cold when the man died. The man paid to be where he was and he was dressed warmly. The man was not wearing shoes. I made myself laugh.

Wait, wait, wait.

The man was engaged in a recreational activity.

I know the answer to this question.

What's the answer?

So how many feet away was he from the snow? What did it say? It hadn't snowed there in weeks? Can you read that part again?

There are no tracks around him and it had not snowed in several weeks.

Okay, so this man was a skier and he ejaculated himself out of his skis when he hit a bump and he flew.

I might not give you a point for saying ejaculated, so careful, easy.

It's the 90s, we're all careful when we ejaculate. Are we? No, well we think we're being really smart about it. So he ejected, that's the word I meant to say, he ejected himself from his skis, flew hundreds of feet into the air and then died in the snow. He was on a ski lift that got stuck and he fell. And he fell off the ski lift?

The man fell to his death.

Ah, to his doom.

You each get a point for that.

Okay, he ejaculated himself into heaven.

All right. Anyone else want to say anything 90s before we move on to the next case?

Toe Jammin' Earl. The Cartoon Doug.

Princess Diana's going to live forever. We love her.

She's a people princess. What?

A Veronica tooth. I famously love Princess Diana.

I do though. I do love Princess Diana. We have that Beanie baby, right?

Beanie babies. Can we talk about them? It's the 90s. I got that Irish one. I put one on a lamp and its leg melted together.

I do one to rock and one to stock, meaning I put one out in the living room and keep one in a glass box because the price is going to skyrocket.

I'm going to be very wretched 10 years because of these beanie babies.

I'll just say this, and it's something that can only be said about the 90s. George Bush is president and he's a good one.

All right, next case. Are we ready?

Yes.

And the sounds go here, sounds go here. Stan walks into a large room wearing his robe. When people see him, they stop talking and look up. After a while, Stan walks away and doesn't reappear for around a week. The people all leave quietly. Some leave Stan money.

Stan is a judge. He's wearing a judge's robe and he's being paid off by someone. You know those judges, they start a trial and you don't see him for about a week? Is that true, Stan a judge?

No.

Do people stan him? Is that something that people say in the 90s?

Not yet. What's a 90s? I know you are, but what am I?

What is Stan's profession and where does he work? Can I tell you the first hint? It's my favorite. He's an air traffic control boy. Stan is not homeless or crazy. I feel like a long time ago we had a riddle about a man who was walking down the street and like shouting to himself. On the phone, right? One of the hits to that was, he's not crazy.

Yeah, that was one of our episodes of this show that we're on.

One of the best hints to get. Actually, no, that wasn't an episode of this show. That was a podcast that I listened to. I think that they did that on. What the fuck is that word? Oh, yes. Boy, how to explain. That's a radio show that... You know Conan O'Brien? It's like his show, but just audio. Just an audio-coded O'Brien experience. This man, he's an air traffic controller. He's a magician. He's a circus performer. Who wears robes? Wizards? Judges.

End of list.

Let's see, what kind of wizards are there? There's grand wizards of the clan.

People look up to Stan.

We don't like them. People look up to Stan. He's tall.

Stan likes to serve, but he doesn't play tennis.

Lexus Surf, but he doesn't play tennis. No. So he's one of those cooking wizards.

These next two are going to give it away. Stan's not a family man, but he is a man for families.

He what?

What? And then this is the last one.

He's not a family man, but he's a man for families.

Get ready to buzz in. You're going to get it from this one.

So Stan's a priest. Oh, he's a patient. He marries me.

He's a priest.

He's a priest. He does mass once a week. And the original Latin. He don't eat meat, but he sure likes the bone.

This Thursday night at 8 p.m., the premiere of Friends. Here's some audio clips from that show.

Hey, Marcel. What are you doing?

Get out of that bird cage. You're a monkey. That's it. I don't think he's going to marry me.

Could I be any more homophobic? I'm wearing all these pants.

I'm Phoebe. I'm spinning in a circle and playing guitar. Whoa, it's me, Joey Morris. Me, Monica? Clean, clean, clean, clean, clean, clean, clean, clean, clean, clean.

Hey, it's me, Paul Rudd. You won't see me for 10 more years.

Ross?

Hey it's me Paul Reiser. Check out Matt about you. Wow that show looks like it's gonna be great. I'm sure that that's gonna be a cultural hit.

Next commercial!

Hey, come on into Sears and buy some tires and buy some pants. And while you're at it, buy a bed and buy a milkshake machine and hey, get some more pants and why not another tire? Sears, wear a store or a big store. Is that Jack Lemmon doing a Sears commercial? I don't know. I'm watching the same TV that you are. Hold on. There's more commercials. It's not the show yet. Here's another one.

Hi, I'm James Corville Pennies. Please come into Neiman Marcus. My store. Neiman Marcus. You're going to like the way you spend your money. Also, Waldenbooks and Beat Alton. Check out all our Neiman Marcus family.

Wow, that store's really on the up and up. That store's really going places that name in Marcus. I don't like how we do commentary about the commercials on the show. I don't like how we just call it a show. I don't like a lot of things.

All right, anyone want another cup of black coffee?

I burned through this one, so I'm going to need another cup of black coffee. Ooh, can we take a quick break to rough up some perps? I'd really love to rough up a perp.

Nope.

Okay, fine. Are we ready? What a workhorse.

A fleet of US naval vessels is heading due north into frigid arctic waters when it comes under heavy enemy attack. One member of the flotilla sinks to the bottom and disappears from enemy radar screens. Although the captain and the entire crew went down with the ship, the rest of the fleet does not stop looking for survivors.

Did I ever tell you about the time that my favorite ice cream shop became a Mexican restaurant? I went in there and had one of the worst flotillas I've ever had in my entire life.

What the hell is that word?

Flotilla is the floating military. Yeah, it's a flotilla.

How have I never heard that word?

Flotilla? When my 16-year-old son, we threw him a flotilla when he turned 16 and he joined the Navy. My mom made me a flotilla when I was seven because I love Godzilla and Sundays.

So what type of ship sank to the bottom and how many crew members were killed?

Two more things about what a flotilla could be. What kind of ship sank to the bottom? Was it like a relationship? Was it a friendship?

Was it a... No.

So it's an actual ship that was on water? So everyone died except for one person, but there's still a flotilla. We still don't know sincerely what a flotilla is. I think it's like an armada, right? It's got to be like an armada.

That makes sense in the context of this. A fleet of U.S. naval vessels is heading due north into frigid Arctic waters when it comes under heavy enemy attack. One member of the flotilla sinks to the bottom and disappears from enemy radar screens. Although the captain and the entire crew went down with the ship, the rest of the fleet does not stop looking for survivors. What type of ship sank to the bottom and how many crew The two members were killed.

They're looking for survivors? This is a Jeff Probst ship.

So I think I know the... Is that Shakira singing the survivors song?

So I think I know the answer to this riddle.

Look at the tribe has spoken. Bring me your torch cause your stuff not now.

Mosquitoes, mosquitoes, mosquitoes, mosquitoes.

The tribe, is this Jewish survivor?

You miss your family, survivor, survivor.

Shakira should do the survivor theme. It's something that I would say maybe in 20 years. Good cover. This is a... So what sort of ship would be going to the Arctic Circle and get attacked? This is a submarine.

Yes.

This is a ship that was designed to go under.

Yeah, the crew couldn't survive long in Arctic waters. No crew member was found in the water. The ship went hundreds of feet below the surface. Look at them found in Arctic water. The ship had sunk before because the ship is a submarine and none of the crew members were killed.

When a submarine goes under, we call it sinking. Yes. So you say, so you might say, Mr. President, the submarine throws mug of coffee against the wall.

Don't talk back at me.

I never talk back about the president, George Bush. The best we'll ever get by that name.

Case, next case.

It's 1992.

Thousands of people attended a professional sporting event. During the event, a person drives around in a large vehicle for nearly a quarter of an hour. The driver does not count the number of laps completed and doesn't appear to be competing in any way. The spectators often appear disinterested and don't bother to cheer when the driver finishes.

This is a Zamboni at a hockey match.

But a good point. People should start cheering. Zamboni makes it a lap around the ring.

If you're not cheering for the Zamboni, you're the jerk. Wait, hold on. Let me take that again. If you're not cheering for the Zamboni, I gotta say you're a jabroni. Jibroni, that's something that we say here, right? This is what The Rock says. And The Rock, not even close. Candy ass, broody poo. Didn't we say candy ass on the network? What network are we on, by the way?

T-B-N-B-C. And on that, a commercial break.

T-B-N-B-C, tuberculosis NBC.

Pop it. Twist it. Pull it.

Fuck it. Fuck it.

Fuck it. Fuck it. Touch it. Lick it.

Fuck it. Fuck it.

Move it. Finish. The Playboy Channel. Roll over. Cry. Cry. Cry. Kiss it. Cry.

Leave it. Leave it. Call it. Text it.

Regret it. Regret it. Bop it. Twist it.

Shower. Alright, I gotta get that game.

Nope, next commercial print.

Oh yeah, that's right.

Do you like butterflies and unicorns? Do you like when your notebooks have bright colors? Do you like it when there's pandas that are bright colors? Or unicorns that are bright colors? We're trying to sleep. Lisa Frank! It's me, Lisa Frank! I'm in your room!

Wake up! Please, what do you want?

Look outside the window. It's post-apocalyptic neon pastels.

Jesus Christ.

Look, keep your eyes open.

There's a fucking nightmare. Please, whatever you want. I'll take a Trapper Keeper, please.

You'll never dream of black and white again. Say you want these erasers.

What? What? We want these erasers?

Yeah, and you want my pencil?

I mean, I have an eraser, I might as well... You want it all?

Lisa Frank backpack!

Lisa Frank backpack! I can't walk to school wearing this. Lisa Frank backpack! I can't wear a backpack with three purple dolphins on it to school. I can't.

Ask me, ask me, ask me how I come up with my art.

Ask you out?

Ask me how I come up with my art. I have people who just did drugs, breathe into my mouth. And then I have an entire strawberry sundae with a bunch of caffeine pills in it.

Hi. If you're like me, you have three filthy Neanderthal boys who get your house so filthy dirty with their damn footprints and their damn tire tracks and who rides a BMX bike in the house. Well that's why I reach for Simple Times Whiskey. The only whiskey that gets me absolutely schwasty shit face blacked out. And so I get fucking drunk. I get my drink on when I'm drinking simple times. Whiskey for boys, for moms with boys. Mom made mess again. Mom don't care. Hey, fuck you, dude. Mom says shut your mouth. You little shitbag bird. Bird of crap. Your dad's dead. I'm the mom now. Whiskey time. Simple whiskey. Glug, glug, glug, glug. Ooh, I'm just gonna be sick.

Hey kids.

Hey.

You know how you had Lunchables yesterday for lunch? Yeah, we loved it. Well today we have something new. They're called dinnerables. Dinnerables?

No.

So tell us about that.

Well hold on, that's not what I said.

He said dinnerables.

You're misrepresenting what I said. I'm sorry, I'm just trying to read the line. I said dinnerables. Dinnerables. Well, hold on. Dinnerables. What is it? Dinerables. Dinerables? Dinerables? Dinerables?

What are dinnerables, mister?

How can you say it so well? Hold on, I need to teach someone a lesson.

I'm trying my best. Okay, did you enroll in elocution classes, like I asked you to? Elocution? What did I say? Hold on, hold on. Okay. What did you say to me?

Elocution.

What did I say? Elocution. Okay. Well, I've been put in my place.

Dinnerables, when your dad is sad and doesn't know what to do.

Respect me. Good products this week, Chief Good Products.

Some years ago, a man left his job to travel around the world with a famous group. The group evaluated the man's credentials and told him he could not join it. The man was elated.

The man was elated? That sounds like an Aerosmith song. Dude looks like elated. This guy is really happy.

Some years ago a man left his job to travel around the world with a famous group. The group evaluated the man's credentials and told him he could not join it. The man was elated.

So he left his job to join the group. The group said fuck off and the guy was like, yes. So he just wanted to quit his job and he needed an excuse. He was an investigative reporter who got embedded in, let's just call it, nambla. And they said, nope, you can't join. And he was happy about it.

This man was Pete Best. The band was the Beatles and he didn't want to go to Germany.

No, you're not totally off time-wise.

Did the group literally say he couldn't join it or was there just some reason why he couldn't join it? Like, is it Lynyrd Skynyrd and they all died?

They evaluated his credentials and they couldn't join it.

Oh yeah, the guy was, he was, who's the guy that died? The Big Bopper. So we lost the Big Bopper.

We lost the old Lou Diamond Phillips, what's it, La Bamba, Richie Valens, the Big Bopper. This man was supposed to be on that point. That plane. Is that true?

No.

Okay, so we went to tour with a group. Is it a musical group?

No.

No. Is it an entertainment group? Does this thing have anything to do with the Iran hostage crisis?

No. Interesting.

I'm thinking about the right thing.

You're getting closer.

So you said right timeline with Beatles, so this would be Vietnam War? So the group was the army during Vietnam.

A man was an American in his early 20s. The group was planning a trip to Southeast Asia, planning a trip. The year was one of great turmoil and the group is a source of major controversy. The year was in the 1960s. Uncle Sam made the man attempt to join.

I just got back from a trip of duty.

The man tried to join the U.S. Army in 1969.

Well, I wouldn't say he quit his job. I would say he got drafted. Yeah. Well, that's true. Well, and by the way, he probably didn't have a job, right? He's in his twenties. What was his job? Being one of those jerk off hippies that put some flowers and guns, smoking their weed cigars, smoking their grown up cigarettes.

Speaking of cigarettes, let's just smoke on TV. Con, everyone, here we go.

Let's, oh, hold on, let me show my ass because we can do that in the 90s. Yeah, we can show our asses and smoke on TV. It's the golden age of television.

And I'm your lady boss. Can you believe it?

You're a lady?

Yeah. Veronica Latuth. We can thank Working Girl.

It must be that time of the month because you have some big old shoulder pads. And my name is Midge Crunch and I believe I'm also a woman.

Are we ready?

Yes.

The young son of a single mother leaves his home to trespass on his neighbor's property.

Vietnam.

While there, he steals from the neighbor and takes off all of his clothes before running back home. Although he is seen and chased, he is not caught and no charges are pressed.

The young man's a pig and he's greased up.

Again, stop talking about your life.

Is this man a Sasquatch? Yes? He was seen and chased. So they saw him naked. They chased him. Who's they? Is that the neighbors? So the neighbors saw the young kid. He's young and he took off all his clothes and he's also stole a bunch of stuff, right?

Yeah.

Did he steal clothes?

No, the young son of a single mother leaves his home to trespass on his neighbor's property. While there, he steals from the neighbor and takes off all of his clothes before running back home. Although he is seen and chased, he is not caught and no charges are pressed.

So he lives in a nudist colony? You can't press anything on a naked man. You're going to leave a mark. Huh. He is seen. Is he identified?

Yeah.

He's human? No. He's not a human. He's not a human. He's a single mother. Kid is a goat.

It's sort of a famous... Famous kid. I'll give you some hints.

Okay, is it Little Red Riding Hood?

The thief had three sisters. His father was killed by the same neighbor. He wears only a blue jacket and clogs. Iconic. He's a famous literary character.

He has distinctive ears. Who's that kid who put his finger in the dam? Paddington. He has distinctive ears, so he would be... Is this a Charlie Brown character? Is this Pinocchio?

No.

Wait, he killed his father? I'm sorry, I missed something.

The neighbor killed his father.

The neighbor goes over.

Maybe he steals vegetables. Ooh, Atticus Finch.

Peter Rabbit.

Peter Rabbit.

This is Boog Radley.

You're right. Peter Rabbit, what's the score?

Ooh, okay. So that's going to be one to one.

All right. And let's do a commercial break now.

With real commercials, right? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. This one's real. All right, we're back. Just in time to go on another commercial break. To cover up for your sins, cramp your hair and put butterfly clips in. Butterfly clips, cover up your sins with butterfly clips.

One of the coolest things your hair. It's a wrap. It's a wrap. We'll ever get to wear. It's a wrap. It's a wrap. It's quick wraps from Conair. It's quick wrap from Conair. Quick wrap from Conair.

Quick wrap from Conair. Quick wrap from Conair. It's good for what you do.

It's good for what you do. It's good for what you do. It's good for what you do. It's good for what you do. It's good for what you do. It's good for what you do. It's good for what you do. It's good for what you do. It's good for what you do. It's good for what you do. It's good for what you do. It's good for what you do. It's good for what you do. It's good for what you do. It's good for what you do. It's good for what you do. It's good for what you do. It's good for what you do. It's good

We promise he won't have to live in a house for burnt up children.

Hey kids, you know how yesterday we had dinnerables?

Yeah, Dad.

That was yesterday. It felt like two weeks ago. Where have you been? Out. Well, tonight, after dinner, we're going to have some dessertables.

What are dessertables, Dad?

Didn't you say that we were dessertables and then you left for two weeks? Well, that's what I said, but then your mom passed away, so now I'm back.

Yay! Dad, what are dessertables?

Dessertables are like lunchables or dinnerables, but for fucking dessert.

And we eat them in front of the TV while you watch whatever you want?

That's right. Or you can eat them in your room. You decide. Um, our room, please. Nope. You're sleeping in the living room, right? Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

I'm mewing.

Take a slice of this chocolate, now a slice of bologna, now a cracker, and now eat it.

Oh, I don't want to, sir. Eat it.

Delicious. Dessertable is when your dad really is at the end of his row.

What did you say? Oh my god.

Okay, we're back. And the score is one to one?

Well, I actually missed going to that chief. It's actually three to two in my favor. That's right, old midge crunches on top.

All right, here's your next case. A young girl is abandoned by her father.

Even though I consider myself a power bottom.

Coffee, coffee, coffee, cigarettes, cigarettes, cigarettes, huge suits, crazy haircuts, mustaches, let's do this. A young girl is abandoned by her family. She befriends a group of social outcasts and joins their gang. After learning of the girl's whereabouts, her family finds her and poisons her. The girl slips into a coma but does not die.

Snow White.

Yep, you got it.

Is that just the tale of Snow White, Chief?

Snow White survived the poisoning by getting a kiss from Prince Charming.

I wish I could survive poisoning by getting a kiss from some Prince Charming.

Next one! Wilma is working diligently in a lab when she gets a tremendous urge.

Flintstones. Nope. He said Wilma.

For a cigarette.

Flintstones.

There aren't any no smoking signs posted, and the chemicals she is working with pose no real fire hazard. As soon as Wilma strikes a match, her boss fires her for destroying his work.

Her boss was a fart collector.

Please stop talking about your life, Mitch.

So she struck a match, destroyed his collection. What was the first part of it?

Working, she was working diligently in a lab when she gets a tremendous urge for a cigarette. There aren't any, no smoking signs posted, and the chemicals she is working with pose no real fire hazard. As soon as Wilma strikes a match, her boss fires her for destroying his work.

Is his work the match?

No. Funny and cool guess. What kind of lab did Wilma work in and what is her ex-boss's profession?

She worked inside a chocolate lab. Who's a good boy? Oh yes. And if you let him mention instead of a chocolate lab, you'll destroy that dog. Let me ask you, let me ask you this. Chief, is this a profession that kind of would exist definitely in the 90s, but maybe, and let's just call it 30 years from now, probably wouldn't exist much anymore?

No, this still kind of exists. There's definitely a way more modern version to be this profession, but people still use these labs, especially if you're like a little bit pretentious.

Would the light, but would the light, well I guess the light would still ruin it. Photo lab.

It's a photo lab.

The light ruined the picture.

The lab is a dark room run by Wilma's ex-boss, who is a photographer.

And just so I know, just so I know, 30 years from now, people are still using these? No, right? Oh shoot, forgot that we are in the 90s. I can tell we're in the 90s because I call my handcuffs slap bracelets.

That's the only way to know for sure.

I can tell we're in the 90s because this is a TV show and we're three only white people. And I do coke and nobody bats an eye.

Kim travels all around the world for free without ever buying a plane ticket or paying for lodging. She travels quickly. In some cases, she visits three different continents in a single week. She works in every country that she visits, but only gets paid in one.

Kim's a corpse. Kim is a prostitute seagull. Prostitute seagull. I loved how I met your mother. Prostitute seagull. I loved, oh God, just, even the Steven Seagull movie. What's the one of them? He's undersea. Undersea. Okay.

Sir, this boat's gonna sink, because we're a submarine.

What is the woman's occupation and what type of company does she work for?

So she travels around the world, but she doesn't pay. Is she a postage stamp? Oh, is this the woman on the postage stamp? What a line of work. Is this a Lady Liberty who is on every postage stamp?

No, that's a cool guess, but no.

She travels around the world, she doesn't pay. Would this person be a, and I'm going to use the term that we use in the 90s, stewardess?

Closer.

She's certainly not a female pilot.

Yep. It's a pilot who works for an airline.

The pilot was the mother?

Yep.

Everything I know about the 90s is going out the window.

And back to a commercial break. To cover up for your sins, crimp your hair and put butterfly clips in. Butterfly clips, crimping your hair and cover up your sins. If you do bad things, crimp your hair and put butterfly clips in.

Hey, the answer to that last thing was that the pilot was a woman. Speaking of women pilots, check out this new episode of Grace Under Fire. Shoot at Grace.

I would like to be above the fire.

No, you're under fire.

Okay, can I be beside the fire?

No, you're under fire.

All right, I would like to be parallel to the fire.

Women can't parallel park.

Adjacent to the fire?

Adjacent to the fire? We can bring in Jason Siegel. I'm under siege.

Hey kids, do you like the series Goosebumps? Well, you're gonna love this new series from author J.P. Riddles called Swan Lumps. Here's the ad for it.

What's that? I couldn't hear that stupid thing because I was too busy jamming out to my Sony Discman. That's right, Sony Discman. The only way to listen to music, even though it's not very good. And if you hold it wrong, it will skip and ruin your CDs. Wait, can I listen to Space Hog? Absolutely. They're my favorite band. Yeah, here's their song now. In the meantime, there's the green and there's the blue. Sorry, I touched the Sony Disc Man. You touch it and it just ruined songs. Chief. God. These products, they're selling themselves. Are they? But I'd sell myself if I got another one of these cases. I got to get out for this desk.

A deafening sound cracks with the air on a warm summer's day. People emerge from their homes to see about the racket only to hear the noise again. Suddenly, and without warning, several huge objects come charging into view.

Jumanji. Yeah, it's obviously the board game Jumanji.

No, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, it's a loud sound. It's quite a commotion. People come out of their homes.

A deafening sound cracks through the air in a warm summer's day. People emerge from their homes to see about the racket only to hear the noise again. Suddenly and without warning, several huge objects come charging into view.

These are thunderbolts and this is a twister. And these are multiple tornadoes bearing down at the same location. No. A perfect storm of tornadoes.

What are the objects and where can they be found?

Are they animals?

No.

Are they cores? Are they cores or busses or brines? No. The sound is one of the jet engines falling out of the sky, Donnie Darko. A movie that's coming out or is already out?

I think coming out.

It's coming out soon.

October Sky is now or later?

Sure.

When is that?

Are these rocket ships?

You're getting close.

Can you read it one more time?

A deafening sound cracks through the air on a warm summer's day. People emerge from their homes to see about the racket only to hear the noise again. Suddenly, and without warning, several huge objects come charging into view. The objects are associated with technology. They aim to dazzle onlookers. It's not unusual to see the huge objects roll, dive, and spin.

Northern Lights? Fireworks? Roll, dive, and spin. Are these?

The sound barrier is not much of a barrier.

Oh, it's the Blue Angels. It's the Blue Angels. Yeah, the Blue Angels. Blue Angels.

Their flight team has Navy and flight team. Will you be mine? They travel to air shows around the globe.

Chief, we're getting a lot of Navy, Army-related cases. Well, I was in the Army. You were in the Army?

Of course I was.

What were you doing in the Army, Chief? Well-o, well-o, well-o. Tell us more. Tell us more.

I was fighting other people. Don't pry into my experience.

It's traumatizing. Well, did you have a French? We made outs down in Iraq.

All right, we ready? Following a shipwreck in the 1960s, a group of survivors safely makes its way to an... Submarine. Inhabited Island. The island has no food other than bananas and coconuts. That's a funny word. The people make no real effort to farm the land.

Those are food.

Yet they never go hungry. The survivor's plight is well known by the American public, but no rescue attempt is made. You're describing survivor.

So there's no food but there is bananas and coconuts? Yes. That's food. I would say that that's food. I mean, I would never know.

What is the name of the island and how many people survived the ship?

The island of Dr. Moran. Wait, this is, um, this is, uh, what's the island, uh, Dr. Knows Island, right? That's it. Scaramanga, the man with the golden gun. Well, JVC broke. It's coconuts and bananas only. We should know the name of the islands. This is a famous island? So what are some famous islands? Fantasy Island. Love Island. Uh, Lost Island. Are you a falcon Joel kid?

Are you falcon Joel kid? The island does not appear in any maps. The ship It was a small charter boat.

Fantasy Island. Oh, Skull Island.

All of the people on the ship survived the wreck.

A four-hour cruise. Gilligan's Island.

Gilligan's Island. And seven people survived. I didn't know it was seven.

Yes, I can do it right now. The millionaire and his wife. The skipper and his wife. And Gilligan and his wife. Yes, it's only six. And one gay man. Extra wife. Either a gay man or an extra wife. Of course, the question everybody asks is, do you prefer the wife or the wife? I'm more of a wife, right?

Okay, if I were in that show, I think I'd be the wife. Yeah, yeah. All right, next case.

I never watched that show. I never did.

Me neither.

Just shoot me. No, I did watch that show. I like that David Spade.

Jack works with leather and focuses on developing new ways to support people. Jack's work often causes women great pain. While Jack's victims don't know Jack, they sometimes pay large sums of money to experience the result of his professional efforts.

His work focuses on leather, which is basically just skin. He's a skin doctor.

No.

His work is, he's a leather, he's a leatherman. He's a leather daddy. He designs those leather fucksuits that you see in clubs. Does he just spin people from hooks?

No.

Then he'd be a spin doctor. So he works in leather.

He causes people pain. People line up to, what was it?

Uh, does he cause large sums of money to experience the results of his professional efforts?

He's like a fashion model. He's a, he makes, um, yeah.

Does he make like very constricting clothes, very constricting, like a, uh, what are those called? Uh, girdles?

Nope.

What are those like whale bone things called?

Corsets. Jack's creations always have numbers stamped on them.

Oh, yikes.

Jack, you're totally on the right track though. Jack purposely looks forward, no. Nothing good comes from stamping numbers. Jack purposely looks towards the ground when he's walking down the street.

Oh, that's just a good practice. He looks down at the ground while walking.

He's a designer, but he doesn't make jeans. What does he make?

He uses clothing. He's a Jack Madden, and he makes leather shoes. Yes. And they're uncomfortable?

Like high-heeled shoes.

Oh, high-heeled shoes. Okay, gotcha. I was going to say, I'm very comfortable in the clothes that I'm wearing. I'm wearing a suit that's six men too big for me.

Six men too big. And I'm swimming at it. What size suit are you? Three men?

Three grown men? Three men and a little baby, if I'm being honest. I put on some baby fat. By the summer I'll have this little baby all the way tucked back, if you know what I'm saying.

And now let's go to a commercial bake.

Man, my Tamagotchi died. Oh, you should get a Digimon. A what? A Digimon. Wrong era. Really?

I'm from the future. Come with me if you want to make money.

I'm good. Tons of money. I'm good. Really? Well, how much money? And tell me in 90s terms, how much money? In 90s terms, oh, 200 bucks? Holy crumbs! I'll quit my job! Well, don't do that. Where do you work? Crumb factory. The cum factory? I work at the cum factory. Which is a come-down spin-off podcast. Oh, you know what?

I must have the wrong house.

It's a come-down review podcast. No, I'm good. You good? I'm good. I can take you to the cum factory.

On Tuesday nights, Dharma and Greg, do-do-do-do-do-do-do, because white couples are always interesting. And Dharma and Greg, what are they getting up to? Dharma and Greg, they're happy to meet you. Dharma and Greg, Diamond and Greg. Diamond and Greg don't have sex and they're going to end up at home with grandchildren.

What's up buddies? Looks like I'm on this jury. We so guilty.

And that was that ad. You know what I could go for Tiffany? I want Steve Madden, those like black platform Steve Madden shoes and a black choker. What do you want at the mall?

Hmm, I just wanted Annie Wetzel and a pretzel.

And what do you want at the mall?

I want some John Maddens.

Ooh, the high heels?

That hurt your feet.

That are made from footballs? Alright, on the count of three, everyone say, go mall. One, two, three. Go mall. I forgot to count.

I was hoping you would count. Oh boy, Chief. These cases aren't getting any easier. But I'll tell you what is getting easier. I'm getting a little drunker as we go on. Because it's the 90s and I can... Of course there's something in our coffee. Yeah, pour some simple times whiskey into my coffee. Into my big black cup of coffee.

Are we ready for maybe one or two more?

Yes, sure she is.

Benjamin carries a book of matches in his pocket. Every night he walks into a room full of people, takes out the book of matches, and mesmerizes each person in the crowd. He hears gasps, sighs, and then applause, but he can't speak while the audience is reacting. Away.

Hmm. Can't speak while the audience is reacting. He picks out a book of machos.

He's a member of No Doubt, and they're playing their seminal hits. Spiderweb. Spiderweb, yes. Is that correct? Is he a magician? Oh, is it like Penn and Teller?

It's like a magician, but specifically what, though?

Is the act being taped? He's a fire starter. Fire. He's a pyromaniac.

He's a fire.

Fireman. Fire.

He can't speak while the audience is reacting.

He's a fire. He's a narcoleptic. He's asleep. Fire eater. Yes. Chomp, chomp, chomp. Benjamin is a fire eater.

He uses the matches to light the torches that he puts in his mouth.

Oh, okay. So he lights those with matches. No, I'm so hungry. He should get a lighter. Perkins. Oh, you want to see a commercial for Perkins? No, I'm good. Great.

Let's do it. Maria takes small. Painstaking steps. I'm sorry, I said this wrong. Maria CVS takes small painstaking steps every night, often using a stick to help her along. Strangers watch her, but no one ever offers to help. The threat of Maria CVS stumbling causes some people to shield their eyes.

You're just describing an old person. Yeah, this is an old person. I wouldn't help an old person. You wouldn't steal a car. I mean, yeah, old people. Somebody with a cane? They have their pride. Does she have a cane? Is it a cane situation? No. She has a small stick to help her move along. Is she an old person? Is she a witch? Is she blind? Is it a blind bin stick? No. Stick.

What is Maria's livelihood?

Oh, stick a gun.

Where can she be found?

Stick a gun. She has a small stick to help her along. Stick shift.

Maria isn't sick or old.

Stick. Is she crazy or homeless? No. It didn't say she wasn't.

Her job requires a fine-tuned physique.

It would be great if any riddle that didn't say they were crazy, it's like, they're crazy.

Yeah, end of riddle.

Is Maria CVS a superhero, like Daredevil?

No, but flashy outfits make up most of her wardrobe.

Oh, she's a crossing guard?

She really looks down on her audience.

Oh, she sucks? Is this a person? She's judgmental? She's a bad person.

Her whole family is in on the end.

Oh, she's a circus performer. She's a tight rope walker. Tight rope walker. All right, that means whatever your name is, you have four points to my four points. I do want to see the, I know there's a new show coming out called Tight Rope Walker Ranger. Uh-huh, yeah. Starring Fuck Norris? Yeah. So just so I'm clear, what we're gonna see is a show starring Fuck Norris called Tightrope Walker, Texas Ranger? Okay, gotcha. We've been cancelled. I don't know why they paid for an ad that was their job. I don't know. I don't know. That looks good though. That looks real good. Yeah, too bad. I think it's been canceled.

Hmm. Hmm.

Are we gonna get canceled? No, no, no, no. We'll be on. Hey, we'll be on for the entirety of the 90s. Okay. Cause I just bought a mansion.

Hi, I'm here to advertise for thin eyebrows. You think this is a good idea now? You're gonna have thin eyebrows and dark lipstick? Well fuck you, you're gonna hate it in 20 years. But anyways, do it now and then you'll be so screwed over when you try to grow your eyebrows out in like 2009. Good luck!

Hi, I'm JC Penney, and this is an ad for plaid shirts. Now I know what you're thinking. Plaid shirts, is anyone going to think these are cool? And the answer is yes, for a few years. And then, big no. And then, yes. And then, no, no, no, no, no. And then it'll come all the way back to Oh yeah. And then it'll be 1998. People will be like, oh, I'm done with these things. But then one guy, he's going to buy all the plaid shirts, all the plaid shirts in old JCPenney's house. And just so everybody knows, so you could just call me JCP. That's JCPenney's. We're rebranding to that anyway. Anyway, plaid shirts for one man.

Have you ever wanted to look like you're floating down the hallways in high school?

Yes!

Get JNCO jeans!

Look, I can fit a canoe in my pants. Isn't that crazy? It's me, Canoe Dog, and I fit in these pants. JNCO jeans. It's pronounced JNCO. What did I say? JNCO. Okay. Okay. Did you take your electricity classes? Uh-huh. And these days hold a current. Style. Alright Chief, one more riddle. These things don't get any easier, but I do care less and less about them as we go on.

And Chief, all these riddles you're telling us, we have to contact the families and tell them about the deaths?

Of course. Naturally, I'm not going to do that.

Natural death, natural causes.

Are we ready?

Yes, Chief.

A man captures a wild animal and brings it back to civilization. Most days the man leaves the animal alone and the animal ventures out on his own. The animal often gets into trouble and the man must intervene to set things right. The man is distinguished from others by his distinctive clothing, which he appears to wear every day.

Turner & Hooch? No. This could be anybody coming.

Although that TV show's coming out. The Turner & Hooch TV show.

Is this a cartoon? Is this an Elmer fun? Curious George? The man in the yellow hat? The man in the yellow hat. It is. Wow. And that means, Ocelot, you win the contest. Fair and square, you beat me.

You get to change your name from Benny Selvam to Ocelot... something.

And I have to go apologize to those teacups you puked on or what else.

But you know what? This has changed my mind. If you two can make up and apologize to that Ferris wheel and you shot someone, I think.

I launched a garbage man into space.

If you can clean up that mess, I want you both back in the field. But still help me God, if people like this episode, you'll be back in trouble and back trying to get out of trouble and maybe we'll make it so it's the 2000s or something.

Well, there's one thing I can say with 100% degree certainty, Chief. People will not like this episode.

Lisa Frank, Lisa Frank, I'm Lisa Frank. Look at me, look at my colors. Oh, guys, that was a fun hour of TV, right?

Yeah. It was a blast. God, man, I remember how bad chose used to be in the 90s. And how little thought people seem to put into forecasting.

I can't believe how they kept the 90s ads, even though they're rerunning.

Yeah, that's, you know what? That's classic. That's cool. I'm glad that they're doing that now on... Well, see, we got to episode 90.

We took a little break, watched some TV. Feels pretty good. Anything to plug, Adal?

Check out Squeezits are a great source of vitamin D and C. Gushers are a delicious snack. And check me out, Adal Rifai, on the Flophouse podcast I was on recently talking about the worst movie I've ever seen called The Fanatic, written and directed by Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit and starring John Travolta.

Well, we are in the thick of April right now, so I would definitely check out Showers. April showers. And I would be eagerly anticipating some of those sweet-tweet May flowers. Not the one that Christopher Columbus sailed over on. For all you gals and curls out there who... You could have just said you didn't have anything to plug.

I don't.

Oh, you can follow me on Twitter at JPsofly.

Also, if you want to visit the grave of Peter Parker's aunt, you want to bring her flowers. Yes. You want to bring me flowers.

Nice. Follow me, Erin Keif 10 on Instagram. Erin Keif 2 on Twitter. Look up my web series. Welcome up. Welcome up. Welcome back on YouTube. Join our Patreon to get our newsletter and to get all of our bonus content and our D&D episodes and all sorts of fun stuff. And come see us in World News every Saturday at 8 and 10 at the I.O. Theatre.

And of course, Erin, in the 90s, we didn't know any better. So there was a planet that we now know is just a hunk of frozen ice, but that planet is... Jupiter.

...is Pluto.

Jupiter? Pluto. Bye forever. Bye forever. And John Patrick Coan, Casey Toney could be editing, and Marty Parrot That was a Headgum Podcast.