Which Riddle Riddle?

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The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice.

Alright, everyone on the ground. Get down. Everyone on the ground. Oh my god. Oh my god.

I was already laying down here. I was napping.

You see, Erin, get up. What are you doing? Don't use our fucking... I mean, I mean... We would like to rob this bank.

I'll tell you why.

My name's Erin. And my name's Adal. And we're robbing this bank of all its riddles. Give us your riddles. Get down. Give me that riddle.

Get down and then give us your riddles.

And we're not wearing masks, because we're not cowards.

We're wearing masks of each other's faces.

It was expensive.

We need some money. Very expensive. We use that face-off technology.

Mission Impossible, that Simon Pegg shit. Okay, well, cops are here, and we're being arrested.

That technology in the Mission Impossible movies pisses me off.

Oh yeah, because it's ludicrous. It's ludicrous. No, that's Fast and the Furious. That's true.

So this is a really good sample of this podcast. This is what we're sort of all about.

Screaming and pop culture references and madness. So this is your first time listening. This is Hey Riddle Riddle. This is a podcast about riddles that couldn't be less about riddles.

Yeah, go ahead and go to a Where We Review podcast and smash that one star button.

There's now a button for one star. Most podcasts get it. Yeah, we do deserve one star because we have one star in the podcast. That's Erin.

Also, we've committed a lot of sins.

Ooh.

Oh, thank you for calling me a star.

Did I? I don't know. Not only are you a star, but you're old.

Man.

Puzzles.

Well, before we get into that, speaking of yelling about pop culture, there are two pop culture things I would like to yell about, and I would like for you to join me.

Start the clock. Blah, blah, blah.

Turn off the music and start the clock.

Welcome back to the segment, Erin's Watching Terrible Reality TV.

Terrible Reality TV. We might be, I just started a show, we might be talking about the same show.

Okay, it's two. So I'll start with one that... Is it three letters or three words? Yeah, okay. Well, okay, then I'm gonna do that second. One, okay.

And as always, I have no idea what's happening and I will not contribute.

Okay, well the first one I want to talk about is the circle.

Have you watched the circle? I watched it when it came out. It came out while Magic Tavern was on tour and Arnie mentioned it and I was like I gotta check this out because Arnie's a real reality head and then I started watching it and then I became obsessed with it and then Matt Young started watching it. So the three of us were on tour for a week and all we would talk about when we ate our meals was the circle.

I would love to talk to Matt Young.

And I started off hating it, and I'm like, all these people are despicable, I hate them all. And then by the end I was rooting for so many people, and I was so overjoyed by it. So it was a real rollercoaster ride, and I cannot wait for season two, and I know Jape's watched the first episode and hated it.

Nope, that is not true. I would say that it was on in my house. I don't think I watched any of it.

I think you would like it.

No, you're actually wrong about that. So if that's a thought that you would have, that's a wrong thought.

Watch the full first episode and then tell me.

No, I won't do that, but I did watch, Mariah watched all of it, and a lot of the time she was watching it, I was just watching her going like, really?

This is another time where I wish Mariah was here and study you.

Erin, what are your thoughts on it?

Okay, so I loved it. Watched it so fast. Would die for Shuby. Would die for Joey. Would die for Sammy. Would die for Chris. I'll die for all of them. It is hysterical. Seaburn?

Would you die for Seaburn?

Yeah, I actually would. What a weirdo, huh? Every time they cut to him in that apartment, he was doing the strangest things. I want to go on it so badly.

We were talking with a friend of the show, Becca Barish, and her and I agreed any improviser would absolutely run that show.

Yeah.

If you put any improviser in that house, absolutely run that show. Because what it is is, you know what the concept is.

Yeah.

But they're basically sending messages. They can't see each other. I know enough that I would not recommend it or watch it or like it. And every scene is somebody being like, circle, open up chat with Erin. Hey girl, how are you? You seem so genuine. Send. And then Erin would be like, aw, that's so sweet.

Wait, no, let me get it. Aw, that's so sweet. Um, heart emoji, uh, prayer hands emoji. Um, how you feeling about last night's elimination, babe?

Send.

Send.

Circle, message Erin. Can't talk now. Have to go. Lylas, send.

Great talking to you Han. I can't believe... Tell the circle. Hey circle. Great talking to you Han. Can't believe we're on this journey together.

You are disqualified from the game.

Oh no, I got blocked. Sean and I want to go on together and play one hot dude.

Couple circle.

Or go on together and we just try to be one of us.

I would play a burning tree. What is that? Just a tree on fire? That's your profile picture? My concept for it, which I think would be fun, is to get all celebrities, so it's like 15 celebrities, they all don't know that each other's there, and tell them they're the one celebrity surprise. So then it's all celebrities playing regular people and see how fucking out of touch they are. I love it.

See Bird describing a period was more stressful than any action movie I've ever seen is him trying to fit in with the other women by describing his period. He was like, oh, my left side hurts real bad.

And all the women are like, huh, I think you're in trouble. I would love to see it where it's just a circle, everybody's in their own apartments, they're sending these messages. They can see their own profile, they think it looks like one thing, but the only thing that everyone else can see is just pictures of Jeb Bush and the name Jeb Bush. So everyone's like, why am I only communicating with Jeb Bush in this game?

Circle, please clap.

That's amazing.

The other show... I love Joey saying, Shub, I would die for you.

Yeah. Shubhi, I'd take a bullet for you, Shubhi. Okay, so... Love is blind.

Holy shit.

Have you watched Love is Blind yet?

No, and I won't, guys.

ABC, why are you not like fun?

Reality TV is trash. You're an actor. You go on auditions. Every time they make reality TV, it takes jobs from you.

And I get to go for it.

Love is Blind is the biggest shit show the most. It's unbelievable. It's people who get married with them. They don't see each other. They don't see each other.

They go in these pods.

They go in these pods on dates and then they have to match up with someone to get married. And episode one, there's a woman who goes, there's three guys I could honestly, this sounds crazy, there's three guys that I could spend the rest of my life with. And this is after one day with like 10 minute dates. It's 10 minute dates? It's absolutely insane.

Well they just like, they talk, they go into these pods and they get to like talk to a guy for like two hours and then they like meet everybody and then they get their favorites and then after like two or three days of talking they get engaged and they're allowed to see each other for the first time.

And 95% of them are sociopaths. Sure, but also like you could just get divorced. Like none of this matters.

But here's the thing about this show. So this show made me think of my dream reality show that I want to exist or like love, Finding Love show. So I think people, two people should sit in a room and watch that show together. And if they both laugh at the same parts, they should fall in love and be married.

I have a concept for a show which is two people meet for the first time on a launch pad, they get into a space shuttle, they're shot into space for good. They never come back. And the cameras are just on them 24-7. Until they die.

What's your idea for a love reality TV show?

And in the spaceship there's condoms and one gun.

Okay, so my one gun with a ton of bullets, enough for thousands of people. My reality show, it's a reality love show, it's called Saw. So what is this?

Because I saw you standing there and I couldn't help but kiss you.

It's two people trapped in a room together. They're chained to the floor. There's a saw in the middle. There's another person who's in a separate room who is forcing them to kill each other and stuff like that.

Okay, I like mine the most. Just two people making fun of love is blind.

Well, Erin, I have to disagree. I like yours the most. Well, Erin, I gotta disagree with you. I think all of these are bad.

But it really could be any reality TV show. Like watch Love Island together. Watch The Circle together. And if you are both doing bits and laughing at the same thing, that's your freaking soulmate. And a TV soulmate is a love soulmate.

Honestly, the premise for the show that you described of Love is Blind where people just talk to people for three hours and then get married, it's truly no more ridiculous. Marriage is a cultural concept. There are people that have arranged marriages. In Indian tradition, there are people that get married off of online dating and stuff where they never meet people. Catfish people online. It's all fucking bullshit. There's no reason why people might have a better shot of Talking for three hours and then spending the rest of their lives together.

Sure, but these people suck. His name begins with B. Barnett. His first name is Barnett? No, I think his last name is Barnett, but people call him Barnett. But he made a sexual joke and that girl was like, that's amazing Barnett!

And she also, while they're at the bar with several other couples, she's basically giving him a hand job in his cargo shorts.

I like that part. I haven't seen that part yet.

Front of the show John Mackey was tweeting about it and I was he was basically like this is the most disgusting show.

Would he say that?

We're like we're like a year away from like the purge like this is disgusting and then I was tweeting with him and I'm like oh I'm watching all of it and he goes oh yeah me too.

Yeah see this is what I mean.

It makes you feel good.

That's how you find your people.

That's the thing that I don't understand about reality TV shows is so many people are like, yeah, this show sucks and I'm on season seven of it. I'm like, why?

You've finished things that you haven't liked. You've never hate watched or hate listened to something.

You finished that steak and you were making faces the whole way. Yeah, I was like 15 years of being a vegetarian.

You're still on this podcast.

But it's reality TV shows where I draw the line. I've hate read books that I'm like, I get like, you know, 40 pages in and I'm like, oh, this thing sucks and I'll finish it. But I will never watch a reality TV show. I'll never sit down and watch a reality TV show.

Big brother's the best.

I don't think I've ever watched any reality TV show. I understand the concept of reality TV, but it's disgusting.

Well, I know what we're doing for our next review crew. Screwing you over.

Yeah. I mean, if it was like a season of reality TV, that's such a commitment. I think the longest review crew that we've watched is like a double pilot.

If you come to record that episode, it'll be me and Adal and then just Mariah with a fake beard. Yeah, I'm totally JBC. Here to record the review of the reality TV show.

We can do like a review crew of like a season of Survivor and I'd be like, yeah, I watched it. But yeah, I would just like read the Wikipedia on it and keep a conversation. Cup of rice? Yeah, like Jeff did well. He was hungry the whole time. Good.

You think Jeff Probst is hungry? Do you think the host of the show doesn't eat?

He has to survive too.

That's my idea for the best reality show of all time. Season 41, Akash shows up in Jeff Probst and he starts to host it and they go no no no. You're in it. Drop your buffs. He's like, what? And they're like, it's just you.

I want to see that with the amazing race host. He's just trying to get there to get to his job. Oh, fuck. If we bought Mariah dinner, do you think she would come do a root crew episode with us of a reality TV show?

I don't know. I've never purchased her dinner. So I don't know what she'll do if you do that for her.

I would like for her to come on. I think that will be a fun, special guest. Are we ready for me to be old man puzzles?

Yes. Ready?

Okay, the theme for this episode, are you ready? Drumroll please. Casey will add one and then you'll also do that. Ow! Thumbs! Adal pulled my thumbs off! And now I'm gonna hand you these rolls shaped like drums for you to munch on.

These are spring rolls.

Okay, the theme is riddles that are gonna piss you off!

Oh good, this is way better than when Adal did that themed episode that we lost which was riddles that were gonna piss on me. I got piss on me. We trashed the episode.

This riddle is called Jennifer and Amy.

What app?

Jennifer is in Missouri. Amy is in Oklahoma City. Emily is in Arkansas. And Ellen is in Kansas. Wait, what was the title of this riddle? Jennifer and Amy. But there's four winners. I know. Did it make the title? Just relax. Did I not tell you the theme of the episode? The other layout for this episode is you have to pretend that these riddles are great. So these riddles are all going to be terrible. We're going to act like these riddles are fucking gold from God.

So this is the delclos method of improvising. This is gold from God. Treat them like they're geniuses and poets.

Jennifer is in Missouri. Amy is in Oklahoma City. Emily is in Arkansas, and Ellen is in Kansas.

So far, this is good.

They all live in the same small one-story house. How is this possible?

They're all crazy.

There we go. These four women are crazy. Thanks, Adal. Back to you, JPC, for the weather.

I know I'm supposed to do weather, but I'd also like to comment on how these women are.

Listen. They're clearly crazy. They just happen to be women.

These women are crazy. I'll tell you why. They broke up with me. And I'm the little prince.

Look, it doesn't make them crazy. It just makes them all gay.

They all broke up with me on the same day.

What's going on? Anyone who breaks up with me is either gay or crazy.

You're sounding like an Eminem song.

Truly though, anyone who's ever broken up with me is a stupid psychopath because I'm cozy and I'm tall. Next question, back to Adal with sports.

I'm cozy and I know it. Tall, tall, tall, tall. So we have Oklahoma City, Kansas, Missouri, and what was the other one? Arkansas. And was it Kansas City or just Kansas?

Kansas.

Kansas, Missouri, Oklahoma City, Arkansas.

Jennifer is in Missouri, Amy is in Oklahoma City, Emily is in Arkansas, and Ellen is in Kansas.

And they all live in the same one story house?

Uh-huh.

So they're all actors on the show house. They're, oh, it's full house.

Yeah, they live inside house.

Wait, wait, wait, can you say, does it say where they're from?

No, it doesn't say where they're from.

But it says they're in, wait, can you read the riddle one more time?

Jennifer is in Missouri. Amy is in Oklahoma City. Emily is in Arkansas. And Ellen is in Kansas. They all live in the same small one story house. How is this possible?

Well, it's possible. Okay, I think, I have the answer. I have the answer as well.

I have an answer.

I presume I'm having fun.

These are great. Do the answer. These are some of my favorite and I think this riddle is good and there's no problems with it.

This is my favorite episode. So they all live in the same house, but they're all out on vacation. They're all visiting other places.

Is that your answer as well? No, mine is that they all live in the same house because it's a model house that was built in all of those different cities.

And the award goes to Adal with the answer that is written down. How do you like that riddle?

That one was really good and what I liked about that riddle was how it was actually it meant very good to it.

I want to see a scene.

Adal, how do you like that riddle?

I'd put it in my top one riddles.

Love it.

In terms of riddles I've won. I want to see a scene where you two are a married couple, you live in a house, but this house spans from California to Nevada. Got it.

Honey, I hate to do this to you. Honey, I hate to do this to you. Honey, I hate to do this to you. I left my car keys in the real California part of the house. Can you go grab them for me?

Honey, I'm giving the dog a bath.

Okay, when you're done giving the dog a bath, can you go get my car keys and some Tums for me? I need some Tums. They're in California, part of the house.

Wait, I'm in the Nevada part of the house. Aren't you in the California part of the house?

Not sort of in the middle part. That's why we can still hear each other.

I can hear you because my phone is on.

Should we make love soon?

I'd give you the dog a bath.

I'm in the air tax. You used to give me a bath.

Well, I just made love to the dog and so I'm cleaning the dog off.

I'll get my own Tums.

You want a Tums?

No, I'm getting my Tums.

I'll give you a Tug?

I fuck the dog too.

We still got it. We still got it. And I fucked the dog too.

Are we ready?

Yes. Hey guys, is that a good t-shirt for our show? I fucked the dog too.

I loved it. I loved that shirt. It's such a, it's such a bold, weird statement, but it also implies a precedent. I fucked the dog too. So people were like, whoa, whoa. Next Riddle.

The sun shining in St. Louis made the lives of Kevin and Susie brighter in New Jersey.

Wait, let me see this book here. This says St. Louis Riddles.

That's a bully. Quick reminder, I lived in St. Louis for two years.

That's a minor league baseball team.

So if you live in St. Louis, I've been there. I know your secrets.

City Museum, we're coming for you.

That's my favorite place.

I've never been, but I hear it's hydro.

Can we go?

Yes.

Now we should do a review crew of the City Museum.

I've been to the City Museum. I would say as an adult I was underwhelmed. I felt like this was a better place for younger kids.

You need more fun friends. Oh also your sober so you didn't go high?

Yes, correct.

Okay, that is all starting to check out. No, I've never actually gone high before, but it is commonplace.

I've gotten... I've never been... I like the type of person who refers to getting high as gone high.

I've never gone high before. I've never gone to the high place before. Yeah, I love it there. I am dying for one of my friends to get married there. That's my dream, is to go to a wedding there. Any friend. I don't give a shit. Will you get married there?

No. Yeah, I'm probably not going to get married at the city museum. Erin, if it makes you happy?

Yeah. I know you and I aren't getting married, but please, prior choice, my happiness is over your wife.

I will get married. They're contingent on that I meet my wife-to-be. We have a three-hour conversation, and she gives me a handjob through my cargo shorts.

All right, well, don't dream too big. Cargo shorts? The sun shining in St. Louis made the lives of Kevin and Susie brighter in New Jersey.

Okay, so what's happening is that Kevin and Susie have superpowers. St. Louis has been destroyed. New Jersey is next.

This one you're gonna love, and this is opposite day here.

So the sun shining on St. Louis made New Jersey brighter somehow.

I gotta tell you, this is definitely gonna be your least favorite riddle we've ever done, but favorite.

Okay, so can Kevin and Susie Do they have some sort of connection to St. Louis? Do they know what's happening in St. Louis? The sun is shining on St. Louis.

Maybe not everything that's happening in St. Louis, but maybe they know one specific thing.

Erin, I think I solved it.

What's up?

So Kevin and Susie, a month prior, were in St. Louis with their grandpa. Grandpa got lost. It was winter. Grandpa died in the snow. Sun came out in St. Louis, melted the snow. Suddenly, Missouri State Police found grandpa's body.

Can you read that, Riddle, one more time? I'm done with this answer.

The sun shining in St. Louis made the lives of Kevin and Susie brighter in New Jersey.

Okay, so the sun is shining, right?

The sun is shining.

Can we have a shirt that says I went to St. Louis and all I got was my dead grandpa?

Yeah, maybe the spelling in this is not what you think.

I got it. I got it. So the sun is shining. So what is another way to say that the sun is shining? The sun came out right from behind the clouds. Their son, their son came out. He's gay. He's in St. Louis. He's living his best life. They've never been more proud of their gay son.

You're halfway there.

And they have a shirt that says, I love my gay son, and another shirt that says, and he's doing great in St.

Louis. Okay, that is a t-shirt. You're okay? No, you're right that it's spelled S-O-N.

Erin, I do want to say I do know that the son is gay because he broke up with me.

The sun, S-O-N. So now you know it's S-O-N. The S-O-N shining in St. Louis made the lives of Kevin and Susie brighter in New Jersey.

Here's the thing. The sun was playing Ultimate Frisbee on national TV and was doing great because the game proceeded because of the sun. And Kevin and Susie were watching on TV in New Jersey, celebrating their sun, doing well.

More literal with the word shining.

Shining.

Here's Johnny.

He killed his family with an axe.

And they were so, so proud.

And they were so proud of him for finally doing it. And there was a bear in the bathtub giving a blowjob to... So what is shining? What could shining mean?

Is it like he's in the flashlight brigade? So he's shining his armor because he's worked for the St. Louis Medieval Times.

Alright, here we go. Kevin and Susie were an older married couple whose son owned a prosperous shoe shining business at the St. Louis Airport. He sent money. Uh, for their care because his business did so well. You love that Riddle?

Yes. You love it? You love it? You love it? I do. And here's why, here's a specific reason why I love it. I love it because they were an older couple. Now it could have been that they had a child very young and they were cool, hip, young parents with a child with successful shoe shining business at the St. Louis airport, but It was not the case they were older, and that made me think a good.

And Erin, can I just say, do I think that this riddle fucking fucks dogs? Yes. But do I think it's bad?

Absolutely. At some point in this episode, you do have to take a riddle to riddle court, but you have to defend it. So keep your ears peeled because we're going to Riddle Court two times and you're gonna defend a riddle and you're gonna defend a riddle.

Speaking of a place that we are going to, let's see a scene and we're gonna be traveling all the way to the St. Louis Airport. Adal, you are going to play an enterprising shoe shiner. You have a shoe-shining business and you like to dole out pieces of wisdom to the people that stop and get their shoes shined.

Can I be an airplane who shines shoes?

No, you can do what I fucking said or you can get the fuck out of the show. Maybe the shit flies on magic tavern or hurl for the riddle bosses or whatever, but fuck off.

This is... My flight's in a couple of minutes, so just a quick few shine will do. Thanks.

Great. All right. So go ahead and have a seat here. Okay. All right. And we're just going to lower this onto your head. This is a VR machine. And this is just going to let you kind of just see nature. We find that that helps people relax.

Oh, that's really sweet. Thanks.

Only you can prevent forest fires.

Oh, okay. Do you have it? Are you shining my shoes? I don't feel anything yet.

Oh no, well first you have to prevent a forest fire. With VR Smokey. Oh yeah, you wanna smoke a cigarette?

Yeah, I'll have it. I don't know, I'll help you relax.

Okay, that was the first trap. Oh shit, hold on. Ma'am, do you see a bear or JP Riddles?

Now listen here now.

Oh my god, it's J.P. Riddle's wearing a bear suit.

I'm blowing out of cigarettes, but what I do have is a stogie, and a stogie is what I like to call a corgi. I've killed a corgi and we're gonna be smoking.

Ma'am, run. Ma'am, run. You're wearing shorts and no shirt.

Uh-huh. Now you can't run because your feet stuck in the mud. I put that, well it's not really mud.

If you die in PR, you die in real life.

It's crabs. It's a big pile of crabs. Most of those crabs are my cousins, so I'm going to tell them not to clip at you. They're cool with me because I married them all. I'm an officiant. I got a certificate from a website.

Maybe if you read me one of your swan lumps about how to prevent forest fires.

This is swan lumps, number 171. The woman who put on her VR and then died because of Barrett. Well, there was a very dumb woman who came into the wrong shoeshining airport and she put on a VR, which is short for vitriol reality, which is a reality where there's only anger spat at one another.

I'm trying to get this thing off my head and it won't move.

She met a very crazy man who glued a hat to her head.

Time of death, 9.14pm.

Location of death?

We see the man who is shining shoes sadly walk out of the airport. He's done for the day.

There's a bunch of people screaming behind him and pointing to this corpse as he's sleeping.

As he hits the sidewalk, you see him fall into his front hands. They turn into wheels. His back legs turn into the back of a plane. The front part of him turns into the front of a plane. He becomes a fucking plane. He takes off into this guy. He's a plane. Cannon. Nick Cannon.

A cannon shoots him down. The cannon connects him back to a pirate ship. The pirate stands on the deck of his ship stroking his beard. We got him.

We finally got him. The cannon that shot him down was Nick Cannon. He started a beef with him. Drumline.

God bless you St. Louis, but you're the city I want to die in the least. And I'm not kidding.

Did someone say Diane Wiest? No.

Keep in mind, keep your ease peeled because you got to go to Riddle Court later. You're going to be on the defense side. Ready?

Okay.

This is called rain. This year, April showers brought May flowers in snowy December.

What gives a Golden Shower? April Showers brought Mayflowers. What this is is April Showers is a woman who works for the Plymouth Rock Institute. April Showers, Plymouth Rock Institute.

Why haven't you been paying your taxes, Congressman? Riddle Showers is a news reporter.

She married a turtle named Raphael Showers. But she made a model Mayflower and brought it to the museum, or brought it to whoever they said.

You're sort of there. So Mayflower must be the boat.

The Mayflower? The Mayflower.

Yeah. April showers.

I want to see a scene. The two of you are pilgrims on the Mayflower. You're probably a hundred miles from hitting Plymouth Rock, but you have no idea. Sure. And you're starting to doubt ever taking this trip.

Hey Kyle.

Yes, Madam?

Can I tell you a secret?

Well, yes, but only if God can hear it as well.

Alright, that's fine. Let's kneel and talk. Hey Kyle.

Yes, Samantha.

I have all the diseases.

Oh yes.

All of them.

Both.

The kind you get from horses, the kind you get from food, the kind you get from seawater, the kind you get from weather, the kind you get from sex, and all the other kinds as well.

Silly Samantha. There's only one kind of disease, not the kind that God gives you as punishment for not wearing enough buckles on your shoes and your hat.

I haven't had any buckles on my shoes and hats.

Well I'm protected for I have three buckles on each.

I have 15 layers of skirt.

Ah well, that's a lot of skirts, and that's good. But if you can't buckle the skirt, then of course you get the diseases, Samantha.

I have all the diseases, the rashes too, the rashes you get from being a woman, the rashes you get from too much hot or too much cold.

But Samantha, that's why we're going to the New World, a new world which will cure all of our rashes. I heard that there's buckle trees in the New World with infinite buckles on them.

I fear I won't make it. Cough, cough, blood, blood. Vomit, vomit.

Cough, cough. As she starts to cough blood, the boat immediately tips over and they both drown. We see them arrive at the gates of heaven. Welcome. I am Peter. Is that right? Welcome to the gates of heaven. Can I hear from both of you? What's the worst and best thing you ever did? Worst and best thing that I ever did.

Well, the worst thing I ever did is I didn't have enough buckles on my shoes and hats.

Well, that's next. Is how many buckles you have? Let's count here. Two, three. I have nine. Nine, yes.

I have one buckle on this shoe, one buckle on this shoe, but no other buckles because I'm a lady and we wear different clothes. Lots of layers. They're scratchy like horrible linen.

You see what I had to deal with, my man? You get it. Oh, no buckles and... I broke up with him and he called me crazy and a lesbian. No, no. She broke up with me and then I said good because I'm gay, so I didn't want you. Okay, listen.

I'm gonna send you to hell, but it's not because of what- it's because you have no buckles.

I'm gonna tell people it's because of what I just said.

Come on.

Come on.

It's too late. Send me back to Earth. I want to see the new world.

I was only 17 years old and I was the grandpa.

I was 7 and I had 4 kids.

That's how it works. Trust me, things are going to get better, okay? God is working on some new, you know, he has some macronations. No spoilers. Do you want to hear a little bit?

Sure.

There's going to be a thing called air hockey.

I'm done. I'll go to hell.

There's this place in Massachusetts called Plymouth Plantation and people dress up like pilgrims and they walk around and they answer questions and they stay in character. It's a lot of like people with their masters in history, but some people are really, really into it. And I took Sean over the summer and it was the best day ever. But these people get so into it. And I have this video on my phone that I'll post the day that this episode comes out. And it's two pilgrim men talking to each other. And he just one goes, it's Briggs who lives here. Isn't it Master Aldrin? And the other guy goes, tis. And Sean's just like, Yes!

Do these people suck? Do they have to engage with you as well?

Yeah, they do. And we went into a house. And Sean, you get to ask some questions about history. It really is so cool. It was my favorite field trip ever growing up. You're supposed to ask them questions about history. Sean and I are in a little pilgrim house and there's a girl inside and she's cooking. And we're asking her questions. And Sean's just like, um, uh, well, like, your husband be chosen for you? Like, do you have any say in this? And this girl looked like we had, like, scandalized her, but in character she's like, oh my goodness, like, I'm far too young for anything. Oh, you, and she's like this 30-year-old woman playing this 14-year-old girl, and it was the most uncomfortable. It was just me and Sean in this little house, and he was like, okay, sorry. She was like, how die? I'm far too young to be thinking of such husband things.

It's probably better because it's Boston, so most of the people are like, hey, Humphrey, how goes it there? And someone's like, hey man, how big is your dick back here? How much dick you got back in here?

You cut. I want to see a scene. I'm going to be playing someone from this, what's it called?

Plymouth Plantation.

Plymouth Plantation. I'm a guide or I'm in character and you two are two kids who have come to just like ruin me. Oh, would you like to see the black smithery?

Yeah, sure. Do you have an iPhone?

An iPhone? I do not know what you mean, young lass, but what I do have is fat to make candles.

Yeah, you have a lot of fat. You can make a ton of candles my man.

In my day that's a compliment so I'll see it as such. A well fed man is a working man. Now I come inside, I stoke the fire here so I can pour some metal and shape that into a horseshoe.

What happens when you fart?

I do not know this word, but I do relieve myself from my back end and an odorous whiff does come fluttering out and it makes the whole family laugh. How do you wipe? You're an absolute nerd. How do you wipe? Wipe my brow? No, not your brow.

With this kerchief, good sir. No, no, no, your ass. My donkey? I have a horseshoe, but I've not seen an ass or mule.

You're so cool. We both have a girlfriend. Do you have a freaking girlfriend?

You're cool. We'll come by the fire then. I have many friends who are girls. They are friends of my daughter. Do you have a wife? Yes, I do have a wife. My wife is the local buttermade.

What the fuck is a buttermade, dude?

What's a buttermade? A buttermade is a woman who cleans up butter from every meal for a family of higher stakes or status.

Do you like higher steaks? Do you like get high in steaks?

Get high?

Let's not be fucking kids.

Come here!

Come here!

Get by the fire, huh? You don't go by the fucking fire?

No, the last time this happened to us, it was JP Riddle.

Is that right?

Yeah.

Zip?

No!

Well kids, listen up here. We're all gonna step inside the fire. We're gonna do just like Harry Potter. We're gonna do snooze powder.

He zipped off his skin.

Oh god, I'm bleeding hard, huh? That was not a real zipper. I just got a zipper caught in my head.

And we're going to break.

What does your shirt say? I fuck dogs too. It's the number two. Looking for it on Tea Public, baby.

We have to take a break. And we're back to riddles that are gonna piss you off. We're gonna pretend all these riddles are absolutely awesome. Let's finish this riddle up. This year, April Showers brought May flowers in snowy December.

Are we right with Mayflower being like the ship to Mayflower?

No, but you're right with April Showers as a girl.

Is it really? April Showers is a human's name. Oh, uh... You basically got it.

April Showers is a girl who brought May, her friend, flowers in December.

I mean, yay! Yeah, that's fine.

Anyone want to take that to Riddle Court, defendant?

Do I want to defend it? Yeah. I would lose that case. Never take a case you can't win.

You're going to absolutely hate this. Ready?

Oh boy.

The drummer's drummed, the horns played, the fiddlers fiddled, the marches marched, yet the parade was a dismal failure on this beautifully sunny July 4th day.

Is parade a musical? Is there a musical called parade? Yes. Okay.

It has nothing to do with this. Fuck! I actually don't know that musical at all.

So everything happened that should have happened for a parade, yet the parade was a failure. Was it because everyone sucked at their job? Or was it because everyone got the wrong instruments and everyone was doing someone else's job?

It is about someone sucking at their job.

Um, the conductor, is this like an Animal House situation? The conductor led them down an alley? No, that'd be very funny if that happened in a movie 40 years ago.

I will say this is gonna be... This riddle is gonna break you in half.

Is it a literal parade?

Yeah.

So it is, like it's a marching band, people on the streets. Is it important for us to hear the things that happen again? Yeah. Can you give it to us one more time?

Yes. The drummers drummed, the horns played, the fiddlers fiddled, the marches marched, yet the parade was a dismal failure on this beautifully sunny July 4th day.

Got it. Solved it. Oh, it was a military parade and they were all killed?

Nope.

Well, I was going to say everything went according to plan, except the fiddlers fiddling were kiddie fiddlers. Absolutely wrecked the parade.

Unfortunately, you're sort of on the right track. I'm going to read the answer. These fiddlers were the bus drivers who fiddled around too long and arrived too late to get to the parade on time. As they waited, the band members warmed up, played, and the marchers loosened up, marched, but they never got the chance to get to the parade, which was a dull affair without the band. All rise for Judge J.P. No, all rise for Judge Erin Keif in Riddle Court. And I'm the woman who types.

And I'm Matthew McConaughey. All rise, all rise, all rise.

All right, Adal, you are the defending attorney for this- Defending champion attorney, Ms. Keif.

And I'm a personified bay leaf. And so if anything happens, I will spice you up good.

And of course, you have to have a southern accent.

Yes, of course. To be a real lawyer. One moment while I drink this lemonade. Need a bail leave for that? Nope. And ruin it. I just want to fan myself off.

Alright, and you are defending the drummer's riddle?

That's correct, Your Honor. Your Honor, when someone doesn't do their job, of course, here in the South, we call that fiddling. So when we say that someone's fiddling around or the fiddlers are fiddling, that of course means it couldn't mean anything except people not doing the job.

Now if someone were to play the fiddle, well that would be called deviling down to Georgia, because as we all know the only good song is Charlie Daniels band deviling down to Georgia, which of course is where this trial takes place.

Boy, let me tell you what. I want to hear from the prosecution, JPC, about why this riddle sucks.

Your honor, I think the case is pretty clear why this riddle sucks. Fiddling only means one thing, and that's messing with your private parts.

I'm taping that all out!

Now, I hate to be lurid and get into the dirty details, but when I fiddle, I take my index finger.

Your honor, objection. Your honor.

You're always asleep. Hold on, let me rub my bay leaf under her nose. What are you objecting to?

Objecting to describing what he's going to do with his finger. I'd like to call to the stand a stenographer, Ms. Coco Chanel.

Um, can't be me. I'm Coco Cashman. That's what I meant. No, too late. That's fine.

Cartoon Mouse. I want to see a scene. Erin, you are going to be playing Batman. So you just got word that this parade is going to be sabotaged and everyone is going to be killed in this parade by your arch nemesis, the Fiddler. Adal, you're going to be playing the Fiddler.

Okay. Not this time. Fiddle me this. What are you about to say? No, that's all I had. Fiddle me this.

You think you can come in here and ruin a perfectly good parade? Gotham needs joy. And you're the most washed up copy of a copy of a copy of a villain I've ever seen in my life. I'm Batman. What?

Sorry, I'm just empathetic. When I hear someone talking like that, I clear my throat.

What's your powers? What's your powers? Are you just a costume kind of guy?

My power is that I can fiddle any instrument. Who's your sidekick? Wait, hold on. Wait, what? I can fiddle any instrument. Is that what I think you're saying? What do you think I'm saying? Can I get you a recorder?

Did you say who's his sidekick? It's me, the mouthpiece.

Don't. No. Hold on.

Let me explain. Let me explain.

Let me explain. Watch. Fiddle my mouth, please. No, no, please.

What are you doing? We're evil. What are you doing? It's not. Hold on. I'm so sorry. Pause, pause, pause, pause, pause. Batman, let me explain myself. I fuck his mouth.

No, no. What? I can hear Casey laughing. What do you mean? I can hear Casey laughing from the booth.

That's what I'm saying. Fiddle my mouth, piece of bat. Oh, that's what you're saying. Batman will get so grossed out that Batman will quit.

I'm throwing up.

I'm throwing up bats. Did somebody call for a sidekick? It's me, Robin. Quick Batman, fiddle my mouth. No, Robin. Oh, it's me, the poker. Whose mouth am I going to poke? Uh, yes, it's me, the bellows. We're gonna get sued and we're gonna be careful. Poke me in my bellows, poker. I'm Batman. See?

Oh, this is the wildest episode we've ever done. Fiddle my mouthpiece. Fiddle me this. Fiddle my mouthpiece.

Oops. Hey Fiddle Fiddle. All right, cool. You still have to take a riddle to riddle court.

I promise you I will.

Okay, this is called Susie the heroine. I make you a solemn promise I'll take a role in the riddle court.

All right, ready? It's called Susie the heroine.

Not the drug. Susie stopped the man's laughter. She is a true heroine and should be rewarded handsomely, said the local newspaper. The paper's misuse of space misled many people.

Okay, so misuse and misled are two women in a pageant.

They call me misled because that's the last thing you'll see. Bang!

They call me misuse because I'm... I use everything wrong. They call me misunderstood because you... Wait, no. I'm going to do that one again. Ready? They call me misunderstood because my voice is really weird.

They call me misspelling because Tori... My wife.

That's all of them.

They call me miss... Alright. Answer the riddle, please.

They call me Mississippi because I'm always on... That's not my name.

Okay, great. That's not my name. That's not my name.

The heroine stopped the man's laugh. He shot up heroin and then he was laughing so much until he overdone. No, it's not the drug.

Susie stopped the man's laughter. She's a true heroine. This is what the newspaper said. Susie stopped the man's laughter. She's a true heroine and should be rewarded handsomely. Said the local newspaper. The paper's misuse of space misled many people.

Rewarded handsomely? What does she get to marry Clive Owen?

You picked my, did you know that he's my favorite? Is that why you said that? Did you ever know that you're Clive Owen? No, my boyfriend's my favorite. Did you ever know you're six foot three? My boyfriend is the most handsome man that's ever lived. What's the, no. And then Clive Owen.

No children for old men? What's that shit?

What's that movie? No, that's not, you mean children of men.

Children of men.

I want to see a scene, Adal. This is going to be a scene from a sitcom. It's called No Children Have Old Men. So the premise of No Children Have Old Men is... I want to take this into court. The premise of No Children Have Old Men is through a series of wacky court misunderstandings. You are a child, you're an eight year old child, and you have been granted legal guardianship over Erin and I. We are two 80 year old men.

Okay, it's time for dinner. I don't like dinner.

I gotta take my teeth out before I eat my dinner. You should take them out for me.

And I need to take my pills. Okay, well then it's time for lunch. If you don't like dinner, we'll have a late lunch. I ask you to have a smart mouth on you and I don't like it.

It's 4 p.m. I'm doing my Batman voice. It's 4 p.m.

He used to be Batman. It's 4 p.m.

That means it's dinner time. I like to be in bed by 6.30. Wait, Mr. Wayne? You were Batman? I was. And Mr. Kent?

Were you anything? I have to use the bathroom.

You already did Kent.

You did it in your chair. I want to take a bath because of what I did to myself.

We're basically two and a half men if you consider my youth.

Look, you're supposed to be taking care of us and I don't feel... I haven't eaten all day and I shit myself.

And you miss my parent-teacher conference. You're in school?

We both are in school.

What show is this?

We go to school pretending to be you.

We cut to the classroom. We cut to the classroom where two 80-year-old men are stuffed into a bat kid's desk. Let's take attendance here is Philip. We're here. I get here. We're here. Present. Philip, I'm concerned that you're two octogenarians fitting into one desk. Can you have your guardian come in to talk to me?

Are you going to give us detention?

Oh yeah, we'll have him come in. How do I work this cell phone? How do I do this? Call Billy. That's a bar of soap. Call Billy. That's a bar of soap. Why won't it dial?

I'm not even kidding, but is that the plot of Two and a Half Men? I've never seen it.

Pretty much. Sure. Yeah, why not?

Let's answer this riddle.

What? We still haven't done that yet. Okay, can we hear it one more time?

Susie stopped the man's laughter. She is a true heroine and should be rewarded handsomely, said the local newspaper.

I got it. What? Is there a space between two of the words that maybe shouldn't be there? She stopped the man's laughter. Famously, when you combine those two words, man's laughter spells manslaughter.

Man's laughter spells. A girl broke up with me so she's crazy. Yep, you got it. The paper wrote man's laughter when it meant to write manslaughter. Susie had saved the life of several people with their quick thinking and bravery.

Honestly? That's fine. I like that riddle. That's pretty good. All right. Want to take it to court? No, it's good. I like it.

You don't want to defend it in Riddle court? Moving on, moving on. I forgot I was defending one.

I could have defended that and I could have won. Got my client off big time, fiddle time. Don't look at me nice when you say that.

Don't look at me nice when you say I can get my client off. I could get my client off. Any time I want any jail of this country.

Susie said, I is. Kevin said, I is not. Susie spoke perfectly correctly. Kevin did not.

Susie was saying that she wanted to join ISIS. Kevin said, I want to join ISIS. And Susie was actually correct. ISIS or ISIL. No. No. Okay, fine.

She said, I is. Susie said, I is. Kevin said, what? I'm not.

Susie said, I is. Kevin says, I is not.

Susie said, I is.

Kevin said, I is not. Is Susie Lil' Bow Wow and was she singing Fresh as I'm Is?

Yeah, Susie's Lil' Bow Wow.

Or is that Lil' Robo?

Lil' Romeo?

Yeah, Stunt. Yeah, saying nothing homie ain't fresh as I'm is. Does anyone remember that song? No. Well. And even if I did, I wouldn't admit it.

Smart move.

I hate you out to dry you crazy fuck.

You're good at curating your personality to seem nice and cool.

Susie said, I is. Was that the full sentence? Was that the complete sentence?

Yeah, I is.

That's it. I is. Period.

I is. I is not. Susie spelled perfectly.

I-I-S. E-I-E. It's spelled I-S. It's not A-Y-E. Wait, how is I spelled?

Just the letter I. I is. I is not. Susie spoke perfectly correctly.

Kevin did not.

Who's a local buttermade? Why is? What context would I as be?

I'm a local buttermade and this is, and you have buckles on your shoes.

Okay, let's do it. No, no, no, no. This is a commercial for an adult hotline, but it's from the Columbia Times. So it's all local buttermades in your area.

Pick up the can.

Are you looking for a hot single plantation worker? Hi, my name's Veronica and I'm a buttermade. I'm 17 years old, so I'm ancient. Do you want to take your churn with one of these buttermaids? I have 17 layers of skirts, and I'm very Christian.

I as a buttermaid, if you walk 700 miles, you can come meet with me and talk to me and ask my dad if we can kiss. Pick up a can. I bet you got lots of buckles on your shoes and hat.

All it costs to chat with me is the low, low cost of some of your father's pigs.

Or are you looking for someone like me? My name is Michael. I'm the local gallows worker and let's just say I'm well hung. Pick up the can.

Pick up the can.

I is better made.

See.

Okay. I is. I is. I is not.

Were they talking about the letter I like I is? Oh, um, what if it... Is the question, the question is what comes after, what letter comes after eight?

Basically, yeah.

It's something about the letter.

Susie was answering the question, what is the ninth letter of the alphabet? Perfect. I is. All right, we taking it to court?

I'll take it to court.

Oh, sound of the court. All rise, all rise, all rise.

And again, I'm a personified, human-sized bay leaf. I'm used in cooking.

But you're taken out before consumption.

Are you mostly used for beef stew? What's your deal?

Beef stew, yes. Do not eat me. You're correct. Take me out. I just season, I think. I think I just season.

What's your purpose?

I'm also, you know, I'm the bailiff I keep.

Oh, alright. JBC, you're the defendant. You gotta put on a thick Southern accent, please.

Right now? I'd like to take this riddle to court and I'm about to tell you something.

Your Honor, he's clearly doing a Louisiana accent.

No, sir. Come to the back of the boat.

Clear accent, please.

Now you're on it.

There we go.

I'm just a simple country lawyer. Drinking simple, country time, lemonade. Your Honor, he's... Hanging a little Bailey for this? Doing a commercial, Your Honor. Country time. The only lemonade that sates your thirst, no matter what state you are, as long as you're the self. Now, Your Honor, I know that some big city college folk like the prosecutor over here might say that the alphabet has more than nine letters.

But I'd submit that there are only nine letters in the alphabet, and I'll go through them now. Eh? Huh? What? Yeah. Eh? Huh? No.

Eh?

Succotash.

Your honor, I give up this case.

I cannot win. You're out of the defense, the defense risks. And I'd like to say that everyone's looking mighty fine today and everyone's looking mighty parts. So go grab a glass of country time lemonade and sip it like you're from the south. See ya.

Kasey, can you, before the episode starts, add him doing that alphabet with no context. Thank you. Amazing. Okay.

Kasey, isolate that audio, put it on YouTube under helping preschoolers learn the alphabet. Why is my child ruined? Those are also all of Cajun Scrooge McDuck's nephews. I love how they're original Scrooge McDuck's. He dies into a pool of crawfish.

Let's try to get one or two more. Okay, ready? Why are 1979 pennies worth almost $20? Why are 1979 pennies? Right before 1980.

Worth $20.

Almost $20.

Why are 1979 pennies worth almost $20? So 1979 would have been... Are these women named pennies? This is pre-Reagan?

You think they're only $20? What the fuck are you trying to say? You think she's just a common buttermate? I don't know.

I don't know. I couldn't even begin to think.

Part of me wants to say like, did they start to mint pennies in a different way post-79?

You can't use pennies as mints. That's a JPC joke. You're welcome everybody. I'm slowly becoming him.

God, her breath smells like pennies.

Alec, my man, do you have his breath? Smell like pennies. Um, 1979 pennies.

Was there... Were they made of a different substance? Like, was it... Not pennies boat. Pennies in some of your room.

Not pennies boat. It doesn't anything... Does it have to do with that it's close to 69?

You're either 69-ing or you're not. There's no close.

And a 69 is worth 20. We almost 69-ed. We were so close. But we were in different rooms. We were in different rooms. He was like a California, Nevada 69. Fudge.

I 69 the dog too.

Erin, help us.

I'll 69 you and your dog too. Wait, what?

What did I say? Wait, what did I say?

Apple and pinata, apple and pinata.

And you were there, and you were there too.

I'll get you my pretty. Whoa, why are you calling me pretty?

I'm calling everyone pretty.

You wanna fuck me. Fuck a witch. God damn. Why are 1979 pennies worth almost $20?

Is this the actual penny is worth more? Is it because they were misprinted in some way?

No, if I give you any hint, you're gonna get it.

Do I have to know to get the answer to this? Do I have to know like an obscure fact about the minting process?

You don't need to know anything about history.

I think I know it. And I hate it.

I mean, I love it. What is it?

Japes, are you done? Yeah, I gotta be fucking done with this shit. Is 1979 $19.79 in pennies? Mm-hmm.

Because 1,979 pennies are worth exactly $19.79. Oh, so good. I love this.

It's so good.

Talk about, I want you both to just like sing the, you know in like the wedding videos? No. Like people go around and people like say something nice about the bride and groom.

I only know about the videos where the dog comes home from war. Hey 1979 Riddle.

It's me and Jeff here. We just want to say congratulations on being such an amazing, beautiful, beautiful riddle.

We so, so love you so much.

The question and the answer makes such a beautiful couple. You two are going to be so happy. You're going to have such wonderful riddles of your own, and we can't wait to solve you. We got you a set of cooking where... Cooking knives. These are cooking knives. It's cooking wear. It's clothing for your knives.

It's clothing for your knives that you can bake. It's knife wear. It's knife wear.

So we got you knife wear, which is clothing for your knives that you can bake. Is that crazy? It's little pants for your knife. Now, they're gonna cut them.

We know it's crazy because we consider these to be ex-girlfriends of ours.

These knives are gay. So, to reiterate, we got you gay knives for our ex-girlfriends that you cook. Yep. And we know that we heard a rumor that you are expecting. So Jeff and I want to sing a little lullaby to the future child. We want to sing the alphabet. So we're going to sing the alphabet to the future child. Here we go.

Well, a perfect episode and now you can relax your bodies. You don't have to pretend to like these riddles anymore.

Oh my god, those are not good. Those are not good. I did not like them and I had a bad time.

You made it, fellas.

Erin, I had a great time. Adal, anything to plug?

My... Bonnie Lutz over the ocean. My Bonnie Lutz over the sea. I wanna plug... I was on a podcast recently called Something Wonderful Right Away, an improv show, had a really good time, doing some improv scenes. Please check that out, Something Wonderful Right Away. I also wanna plug Infinity Train Season 2. I watched the first season, loved it, watched Season 2, I love it even more. You two have to start watching this.

I started watching.

Do you like it? I love it. It's so good. There's a character in season two called Alan Dracula. That's maybe my favorite character in the history of television.

Is this a cartoon?

Mm-hmm. Okay. But it's got, yeah, it's got a very weird adventure-timey... This one with like the duck that said a thing? Mm-hmm. Yes. That's most cartoons. Can you help me find my normal eyes?

Name one cartoon where a duck doesn't say a thing.

Yeah, I can't.

I couldn't.

I can't do it.

Name one cartoon with a magical deer named Alan Dracula. But please watch Infinity Train.

I would like to plug, we have at least a couple live show announcements and there may still be tickets left by the time this podcast comes out. You can always find our live shows at headgum.com slash live. We're going to be doing more live shows in 2020 guys. We're very excited about it.

Follow me, Erin Keif 10 on Instagram, Erin Keif 2 on Twitter. My Instagram is private, but not for you. You can follow me. Just not my ex-boyfriend, because they're crazy and they're gay.

And Erin, I know that historically men are from Venus, but you have some ex-boyfriends that are from a planet pretty special.

You better!

Famously men are from Venus? I can't remember. Bye forever.

Created by Adal Rifai. Starting Erin Keif and John Patrick Coan, Casey Toney did the editing, and already parented Well created by Emily Cardenas and Emma Inamora.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

Boys are from jail and men are from penis. Say that into the mic you fool. It's the best line of the episode.

That was a hate gun podcast.