Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a Headgum podcast.

Hey Riddle Riddle is the name of this podcast, and we're going to be doing a live show of this podcast in Los Angeles, Sunday, May 17th at 7pm at Dynasty Typewriter. If you want to go to the show, you should buy tickets headgum.com slash live. And if we sell out all of the early show, we may be adding a secret late show. And you know we get dirty at the late show. We don't actually get dirty at the late show. Bring your kids. The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Oh, then we're going to finish. It was the captain of an airplane.

He stabbed him with an icicle. And the horse was riding.

You're never gonna dance again. Goody feet have got no rhythm. Let me teach you to pretend. I love you and I love you.

Hey guys, it just came in. What are we doing?

Nothing.

Close the door. Close the door. We're making love in here.

We're just two guys making love in here. Close the door. Close the door.

I'll close the improv door.

We were singing our little potato song.

Were you doing it in the Swedish chef voice?

It's almost like Benny and June, but we make the potatoes kiss. It's almost like Harold and Maude, except we make the potatoes kiss.

Well, hello.

Well, hello.

What's up?

Hello and welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle, a podcast and three parts. About potato kissing. The first part is insanity. The second part, we get our shit together and we do the real show. The third part is plugs.

I'm Adal Rifai. I'm JPC.

And I'm Erin Keif. And the insanity, the getting your shit together and the plugs.

Yeah, and you're all r idiots. Why did you point to my hair when you said plugs?

I pointed to you for all three.

We like that, right? We like calling our audience members or listeners ridiots. Yeah, they love it too. Good.

Great. It's official. You're ridiots. Well, technically you can only be a ridiot if you go on to patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle and give us $1 a month. And then you get to be a ridiot and you get to read our newsletter.

Yeah, and then you can get the tattoo, enter the secret society, learn the dance.

Hey, people have HeyRiddleRiddle tattoos and it is wild. It's very wild.

I have a question. Can we come up for names of fans who are not really fans, but they're partners or spouses are, so they're forced to listen to us in the car.

Future divorcees. Widowers.

Patient. There are patients.

Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is listening to 180 hours of a podcast that makes absolutely no fucking sense.

Hey. Hey. My memory keeps resetting.

Erin, moments ago, you were a goldfish.

Yeah. Well, it all got the snack that smiles back, baby. Wow.

Wow. Is that what you say during sex?

Well, I've never been that smooth.

If I call someone a snack that smiles back, I get fucking cancelled, but then we can go around telling it about ourselves.

Erin, you're a fucking snack who smiles back. Smile for me. Okay, so I have a story for you.

I'm gonna get you this sleeping bag. Should we get around the fireplace?

You might have noticed I wasn't at World News last night.

Uh, no. Great show. No.

No, you were there.

It was fun.

Oh, can I say I had one of my favorite, maybe my favorite moment of the last year, which is I played a pirate and I was talking, I was trying to make a withdrawal at a bank and Rob asked me what I do and I said, I'm in sales, which I thought was very funny as a pirate.

Pretty good.

That's not the funny part. And then I said, how'd you get this job? And he goes, oh, I got, my dad worked here, so I'm a bit of a legacy. And I go, Legacy. Oh, is this because of my leg? Because I lost my leg at sea?

Did the audience stand up?

Crickets. Absolute crickets. Really?

No.

They did love it. And it was very cool because it was very like unplanned for Rob to say that and for him to have, and Adal earlier in the show had lost his leg at sea as that pirate.

But I focused on leg and then as I said, legacy, I was like, oh shit, that's legacy. And it was very satisfying.

That's a real snack that smiles back moment.

Absolutely. So finish your story.

So I had a lot of Hey Riddle Riddle fans message me yesterday saying they're at World News and that I wasn't there. And so I was like, oh, what a bummer.

But I was at- So anytime you're not there, uh, Ridditz will message you and say, you're not here? Yeah, basically. What a fucking treat. Wow, that's truly the snack that smiles back.

I was at- Hey Riddle.

And then Harrison just acted as a mime for weeks.

He was stuck.

He was stuck in it.

So, I'm at this charity event in the suburbs. It's a real small-town vibe. Small-town vibe. I'm so tired. I'm eating Sean's pediatrician. Small-town vibe.

I'm eating all of his friend's parents. You're eating Sean's pediatrician?

I'm eating them.

What a real small town vibe. Can I say Small Town Vibe is the name of my Twin Peaks vibrator?

Ew. So I'm just drinking my sangria, minding my own business, and this woman comes up to me, and the first thing she says is, I don't know who you are, but what's your name? And I was like, what? And she was like, I don't know who you are, but what's your name? And I was like, my name's Erin, and then she said, are you on a podcast? And I said, yes. And she said, I have two friends. They're introverts. They're very shy, and they think they recognize you, but they're really unsure that it's you because why would you be here? At this charity event. And why would you be looking so sad if you're so successful?

Why are you drinking sangria and eating a pediatrician?

Drinking sangria, putting 10 tickets in one of the raffle baskets. Should I try to win it?

I don't know who you are. What's your name? Okay, you have sangria all over down your dress. I don't know who you are, but I have a very particular set of skills.

It's helping women covered in sangria.

But I met two Hey Riddle Riddle, they were also Magic Tavern fans, Hey Riddle Riddle fans at this charity event in the suburbs in a state that I'm not even from. And they live in Joliet. They have three kids. And I was so confused. And I was like, I don't think they're going to believe they're a couple. Yeah.

Oh, okay. Wow. Interesting.

Yeah. And they, I was like, I'm going to tell GBC and Adal, I met you guys, but I, of all the places to meet fans, that is the craziest place.

I will, a lot of times, I will be at like the grocery store and I'll be like looking at the, I don't know, fucking dried pasta. And I'll hear from behind me, somebody be like, um, baby don't know. And I'm like, sorry. And they're like, baby don't know. And I'm like, okay, man. And they're like, Hey Adal! And I'm like, oh did we go to school together? And they're like, no.

Why would I say baby don't know?

Yeah, but I'm just like, just say hi, like just introduce yourself.

But I've been like... You famously don't remember any of your quotes and catchphrases.

I don't remember any of my quotes. But my favorite one was, I've gotten recognized a little bit like around the country, but I was in Times Square with my sister and a woman ran up and goes, throwing your hat in the air and spinning around. I was like, oh shit this isn't Minnesota. Milwaukee. Shit. Fuck. But I was in Times Square with my sister and a woman ran up and goes, I'm so sorry, this is gonna be the craziest question if I'm wrong. But are you Chant the Badger? And I stopped dead and I go, what? And she goes, I am so sorry. And I go, I totally go.

That's amazing.

I was at a Starbucks the other week and I said, are you on a podcast? To the guy who was working there. And he was like, uh, no. And I was like, that's right. I'm on a fucking podcast. Remember this voice. I threw my coffee at him.

It was one of the funniest places to see. I was like, hi. That's wonderful. It also, that's only ever happened to me in front of my boyfriend's parents.

That's cool.

They're beginning to think that I'm paying these people to say these things.

Can I ask, that's where a significant amount of the Patreon goes, is to pay people at Erin's Life to prop her up. What was the charity?

What was the charity? It is called HUGS. Give them a plug.

Plug them with HUGS.

And actually, if anyone wants any information about donating to it, they do a lot of really good work. It feels like sort of a local make-a-wish, but they do lots of different things.

Interesting. And you can donate directly at BernieSanders.com.

I will say, I don't know how you two feel. I will say, if you ever see me in public and you recognize me, please say something. I was at an antique store in, like, Anawan, Illinois, or somewhere around Galva, Illinois, with my mom, and we were just hanging out shopping for antiques like we do, and somebody tweeted, like, an hour later, like, I saw you at the antique shop, I was so nervous to say hi, but I, you know, I recognize you, and I'm like, you would have made me an absolute star in front of my mom, so please, if you recognize me, say something, even if you just throw a bagel at me or something, like, just please make me look cool.

Throw a bagel at me?

I can't do it on my own, I need your help.

Before Mariah and I were dating, we used to work together. We were on a work trip together. Oh, unprofessional. Very unprofessional. We weren't, like I said, we were not dating on this one.

Nothing happened, work trip.

Well, we fucked and, you know... Oh, never mind. No, nothing happened. It was a work trip. And it was, again, like I said, before we were dating. We were on a break. We were on a break. And I was doing this presentation for these commercial real estate brokers. And my computer wouldn't work. And someone at the hotel that we were at gave me an AV cable or whatever to plug in my computer. And then we were sitting in the airport hours later. And I got a direct message on Twitter from someone who was like, this is going to sound weird, but are you in New Mexico at this conference? And I was like, yeah. And they were like, I'm the AV guy that gave you a cable. And then I was in the back of the room. And then I heard that you were JPC. And I was like, yeah. How many JPCs can there be? And I was like, and I was like, you're that... I thought it was planned 100,000 by Monday. First of all, my clones can't spawn that fast. Yes, they can. They're mostly just common legs at this point. You asked! You asked!

You were mostly just common legs.

Come and legs. I fell in love with you. Come and legs.

I'm so sorry.

But Mariah did think it was very cool that there was just a random person in New Mexico who was like, you're that person.

And then she said like, wow, I'm beginning to see you differently.

And then... My best friend is... She's beauty and you're the beast. And now she's helping me build my common legs.

What are they capable of?

Just like the Empire. Wasn't Boba Fett famously just common legs? It's true. What are they capable of, Erin? They can't be stopped. So this has been 10 and a half minutes of madness. Let's get into the conceit of the show. This is a professional podcast where we do puzzles and rules. This is a professional podcast. So I am Old Man Pueblos and we are going to start off with, I enjoyed doing these last time. These are what I called last time hink pinks. What I've now learned, and I'm so problematic, a little bit, what I've now learned, they were actually invented by 20th century humorous George S. Kaufman, and the real name of them is Stinky Pinkies. Can't get worse, but it seems to be.

I'm so sorry, but I need to see a scene. Adal, you're George S. Kaufman. You're at this gentleman's club and we're all sitting around on leather chairs smoking cigars and you're telling us about this new thing you've created, but no one can giggle anytime you say the name of what it is.

That's how I invented the washing machine. A good machine, a good machine. Very good.

Yes, of course. Yes, very good. What did you, have you invented anything? Bourbon. Oh, you, oh. Leather. Oh.

And talking down to women.

Wow. Wow. Marcus Kentucky, you've done it again. Quite an accomplice. And Daniel Whirlpool, I want to not sneeze at what you invented, that's pretty cool. Yeah, washing machine and also hot tubs.

And telling women to smile.

And forcing women to smile. With my great personality. And clean wash. They say, you know, in the inventing business, ABC, always be clothing.

Well keep your chin up Harry, you haven't invented anything yet.

You'll invent something and be mean to women.

Actually,

Actually, I have invented something, and it is demeaning to women.

Okay, that's very cute. That's very cute. Of course you have. Of course you have. Very, very sweet, Erin. You definitely have.

I invented it right now. Go ahead and smell my finger. Oh boy, how does it know to the... Is there... Oh, I think you just invented Hamilton. Say that again.

I couldn't possibly.

You want us to smell your finger.

Is there cocaine on it? There was. There's residue for sure.

We did it at the same time.

We almost kissed. But we never would because of our homo eroticism. Keeping that alive and well.

The reason I want you to smell my fingers is because I invented something that I call the stinky pinky. Okay, yes, now I did notice that that smelled awful.

The what?

I called it the Stinky Pinky. Now what it is is two words that rhyme, that... Sure.

We all went to the same inventor school. We have successful inventors, and you invented the Stinky Pinky?

Yes, so let's say that I have one of my digits on my hand that overstays its welcome at a party. That might be called a... Stinky Pinky. A linger finger. Do a few more. A few more? Okay. What if I had a puppy who lived inside a bayou or swamp? That might be called a... A dog. A muddy dog.

What is it?

It's a stinky pinky.

Okay, I have one.

Or a bog dog.

What if you clean a window with only one finger?

Okay, you'd be Windex? Index.

Yes.

Wait, did you just invent Windex?

Yes, I did.

Ah, the world will surely be a better place, but I'm dead.

A bunch of crows will fly into doors now because of my Windex.

A bunch of crows will fly into doors because of Windos?

Isn't that Windex?

So you're gonna put Windex on doors?

Clear glass doors! Don't you remember those ads? Don't you remember those ads? But don't you remember those ads? No! Those crows who are like, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna try flying in the house! Because there's clearly no door there. You're like, don't do it, Larry. Don't do it, Larry. Remember what happened last time? You almost died. And he's like, I'm going to do it. And he goes and flies right into the door.

You're not going to trick me into Googling your hungry Howie's pizza commercial. Oh my God.

Ever heard of me? We get it. It aired during the Super Bowl.

You guys in a couple of different states. I'm big time now.

South and North Dakota.

People are calling me like just equal part. It was like J.Lo, Shakira. Erin, I'm not Adal Rifai, Erin.

She's bigger than Catherine of Virginia. Look at the damn sojournee from the block. Okay, I'm ready to do these. All right, so here's some stinky pinkies.

So we get the premise because that scene expertly explained it.

Yep, so it's gonna be two words that rhyme. You have to figure out what the answer is from the sort of definition. Number one, Mrs. Onassis's tan pants. Ooh, it's hard to say Mrs. Onassis's. Cows are trousers. Mrs. Onassis's tan pants. Tan pants.

Jacky slackies. Jackie slacks.

Jack slacks.

Jackie khakis.

Jackie khakis.

Jackie Cackie. Hi, my name is Jackie Cackie.

I need to see a commercial.

I've never felt more valued than I do right now.

This is a car dealership, but you don't sell cars, you sell car keys. And it's Jackie's Car Keys. It's a Boston car dealer. I can't stress this enough. There are no cars on this dealership.

Hey, welcome back to Jackie's Cackeys. We have the size lot of a car place, but we always sell cackeys.

Okay Jackie, we need that cleaner. Can you take that again?

Oh, of course. Here I go. All right. Welcome to Jackie's Cackeys. I'm Jackie's Cackeys herself. Our car lot is like this car. It's the kind of car lot that has cars on it, but we have no cars in sight.

Okay, Jackie, Jackie, we got to take that again. You said that your name was Jackie's Car Keys. Okay, it's actually the end of the business.

Okay. And this business goes under. Jackie, you spend a few years living with your parents and then you have a new idea. You're going to start selling fat bees. So this is the first commercial for Jackie's Fat Bees.

Hi, I'm Jackie's Cackeys and I sell fat bees. My Cackeys commercial went under. I tried selling Cackeys after that, but after that, it's fat bees. Okay, Jackie, we have to stop.

What's up? I just didn't like the take.

Okay. Oh God, I'm spiraling. All right. Oh God, that put me in my head.

Oh, that's a tight spiral. You should play football.

Holy shit. We cut to me. Playing football.

What did we do?

Hi, I'm Jackie's Cackeys. I'm about to throw the football behind me. I'm the one who throws it under my butt and up.

You know how a center throws the ball under their butt and up?

Am I wrong?

They throw it under their button up.

From now on when you're watching football, remember what I said everybody.

Under your button up. Well that sucks Erin because this is gonna come out after the Super Bowl so people aren't gonna be able to watch football for like another year I guess.

Google it.

That's what JPC tells dates that he's going to where he's gonna put his penis and then what Pixar movie they're gonna watch. Google it. Under their button up. Wait a minute, that was funny. Hey Adal, that was another pirate moment.

I don't want you to brush by it.

Thank you. I lost my leg at sea. Number two, an introverted insect. An errand worm.

An errand worm?

An errand worm.

My worm's insect.

No, but I did get air and worms one summer in college. It was one of the worst experiences of my life.

Oh, you just watched a bunch of Dawson's Creek in your bed alone and cried?

I sat in a Dawson's Creek and I got air and worms in my butt. Shy fly.

It is a shy fly. Hell yeah. I want to see a scene. This is going to be a shy fly, Erin, you're going to be an air and worm, and the two of you are at a party for a mutual friend's birthday.

I've never really seen you out before.

You know, I actually come to a lot of these parties, but I'm kind of just like a wall fly. Yeah.

Well, do you want to see my party trick?

Oh, I'm with someone.

Oh, no, no. It's like sort of just like a funny, like, whole thing I can do.

Oh, okay, yes. I'm sorry.

I thought you were picking. Don't be scared. I'm just gonna split my body in half because I have two hearts and then slither in way in two different directions.

Could you please not? Because I only have like four more hours to live and I don't really want this to be the last fucked up thing I see. Is that okay?

I don't really know if it's fucked up. It's kind of natural. It's like sort of just in case anyone steps on me.

Can we reset? Would you like some poop? I'm gonna have poop.

Hey babe, who are you talking to? This is Brett. Hey, oh shit! Welcome to Earth, right? Welcome to Earth. Brett, this is Jim. Yeah, you're an Earth worm, right? Yeah, that's it. Welcome to Earth.

Do you want to see me split into two because I have two hearts?

Is this a sex thing? Don't you fuck yourself?

Oh, like, oh... I have to go home.

We're gonna need more poop. No, I'm gonna go home. We're gonna need a bigger poop.

Would you kiss you if there were two of you for a day? Do you think you'd kiss you?

No. What the fuck? Yes, you would. If there was a clone of you, you wouldn't kiss him. Why? Well, if it's coming legs.

I'm so embarrassed.

What do you mean? Yes, you would. I'm not. I'm trying. Adal's being very incredulous that he would not kiss his clone.

It's a normal thing.

It's a normal thing to kiss your clone. So Erin, the minute you saw a clone yourself, you would run up and kiss it? Normalize kissing your clone.

First things first, I smell it.

Don't keep in shame.

First things first, I smell it.

You smell your clone.

I smell my clone.

You would smell your clone knowing full well what you smell like.

I don't know what I smell like. Do you know that my sense of smell is pretty bad? Because I put too much as I can on my nose.

From being around you, I do know that. Are you serious?

Yeah, yeah. So if I smell bad, guys know it's because I don't know.

And Zicam is like a kiss cam?

Yep.

Let's put her up on the Zicam!

I also want to see what my side profile looks like. I want to give myself a back massage.

What is happening?

I want to give myself a sweet kiss.

I'm not going to have sex with me. What fucking leaps are these?

There are 100,000 people who are listening to this who agree with me.

The minute you meet your clone, you make them go to work for you, or you have them horse around the horse. No, you give them a massage and you give them a little pound. I have so many horse tours I need to get done. I defy you that they'd be fine horse tours. I'm a horse keeper. Okay, look at it in the mouth. You're telling me that if you you don't have like a list of things that you would do with your clone if you if you had like your clone for a day you and your clone for a day?

You wouldn't like both jerk off and go first. What? What is this?

I want Casey, can you play this? I want to see a scene. Casey is going to play some montage music under this and we're just going to see a day of you with your clone who sounds just like you and all the things, the misadventures you two get up to.

Are we going to be playing his clone?

No, we'll just be us.

He'll be his clone.

So it's an Adal scene with Adal.

I'm really hoping I can do my Adal impression.

So it's me with my own clone. Great. Real bump set situation.

Unless you want JPC to be your clone.

I'll be your clone. Okay, hold on.

You gotta do your Adal impression.

No, before we start, can you just give me some base Adal so I can slip into the impression? Hi, this is Adal. No, but do it in your fucked up goofy way that you do. Ooh, this is Adal. I'm talking in the microphone. Okay, I can do it. Everyone who listens to this podcast say we sound exactly the same anyway. That sounded look very similar.

Oh, good morning, Adal. Oh, good morning, Adal. Ooh, nasty little boy. Ooh, time to slather up some pancakes, huh? Mmm, get the nasty pancakes. Ooh, yeah, kiss my dick. Oh, good morning, good morning, Adal. We just woke up again, Adal. Mmm. Ooh, that was a good little nap. Can I see you from the side? Ooh. And now the back. Okay. And now in front of a car. Good morning, Adal. Good morning, Adal. What do you remember from yesterday? Um, we did side profiles. Smack! We're gonna do smack.

Ooh, let's shoot up. You're my best friend.

Good morning, Adal. Good morning, Adal. I don't feel like going to the Hey Riddle Riddle recording. Yeah, me neither. What? Oh, we're both sick of this podcast? Everyone is. Really? Yes. Is it because it takes about 40 minutes to get into three riddles? No, it's because JPC's cum clones kind of ruined the whole

Good morning, Erin. Another back massage and a little kiss? Don't mind if I do!

Erin's in there alone. Should we say something? Oh, fuck you.

No, I walked right into that. I'm a snack that smiles back. I'm a snack that smiles back.

I'm a snack that smiles back. I couldn't stop thinking of the... I was distracted that entire time because I couldn't stop thinking of the... Do you remember the old commercials for Fig Newtons?

Oh yes.

It's something along the lines of like, a cookie's just a cookie, but Fig Newton's fruit and cake. But I couldn't stop thinking of like, a cookie's just a cookie, but a clone is coming leg. Your brain is truly broken.

How are you sick of this podcast?

Oh, I'm definitely not. Can you give us more of these fucking riddles then? Yeah, here we go. Some more stinky-pinkies. This is a parsimonious wool producer.

Persemonious wool producer. A damn lamb. A what? A damn lab. A damn lamb. Damn lamb.

What to do with that?

A damn lamb.

A damn blimp. Do you think lambs produce wool? A deep sheep. Oh, you're getting close. A... Deep sheep is something they do in Wales. I'm so sorry Welsh listeners.

I really like the Welsh accent.

All I know is Katherine Zeta Jones and Tom Jones. All the Joneses are from Wales. Do we know any other Welsh?

A lot of people on Love Island.

Oh, they have that Welsh grape juice. Yes, they do. Yes, they do.

So is sheep right? Sheep is right. So what do we think parsimonious means? Parsimonious, oh boy. This is a fucking college word.

Deep. A deep sheep.

That's what Jeeps guessed. Fell into a very deep sheep.

A beep-sheep.

A jeep-sheep? A jeep-sheep. A jeep-sheep. A jeep-sheep. A jeep-sheep. A jeep-sheep. A jeep-sheep. A jeep-sheep.

A jeep-sheep.

A jeep-sheep. A jeep-sheep. A jeep-sheep. A jeep-sheep. A jeep-sheep. A jeep-sheep. A jeep-sheep. A jeep-sheep. A jeep-sheep.

A jeep-sheep.

A jeep-sheep.

A jeep-sheep.

A jeep-sheep.

A jeep-sheep. A jeep-sheep. A jeep-sheep. A jeep-sheep. A jeep-sheep. A jeep-sheep. A jeep-sheep. A jeep-sheep. A jeep-sheep. You're a drunk dog? I refuse to. I refuse to. You know why I refuse to acknowledge it? Because I'm Adal's clone. He's at home in bed and I'm here and I mostly come in legs.

I'm so sorry. I really really I really want a t-shirt that says anebriated zebra. And it's just a zebra drinking a martini. Please guys, please.

Absolutely not.

No a zebra drinking a Bloody Mary.

Can it just say I've been zebriated and have a drunk zebra on it?

Anebriated zebriated.

Uh, we got it.

So we're moving on and we're canceling the podcast. Um, I want to see a scene. Okay. Japes, you're a drunk dog and, uh, Erin, you're the bartender trying to cut him off. Run more.

Ah.

Run more.

Closing time.

You don't have to, you can't- Closing time. One last time for Ask a Mom. Come on, hey.

You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. I'm sorry, I'm just a cat sitting at the bar. Did he say one more or rum more?

Technically, if it's just rum more, you have to give it to me because it's part of my existing drink.

You guys, you've been making eyes at each other the whole night. It's time to decide to go home together or kiss on the sidewalk or something, but you just can't continue to flirt in here.

What? We can't. Is it will they want their situation?

I don't want to go home with him. He's a bad boy.

Yeah, I don't want to go home with him. Bad boy. He's a pretty goody two-shoes.

Look, my pussy. Okay, I don't get paid enough for this. Also, you're animals.

Maybe let's have a little catnip.

Excuse me, I'm an inebriated zebriated.

Sorry guys, I don't know if you, this is my boyfriend. He comes and I give him free drinks for the last couple hours of my shift.

He comes and you give him free drinks?

He comes here.

I gotta get that deal. But he doesn't, he doesn't get you?

I come and he gets free drinks.

That should be the t-shirt. Can I get you guys an Uber? Do we know any braided animal that emits a bad smell? Drunk. Skunk.

Drunk skunk.

That's it. Former President Clinton's medicine. Um, hmm, intern ass.

No, no, no, no. No, that's true.

No.

No, he was a sex criminal.

Intern, intern. Former President Clinton's medicine.

We're on her side for that.

Bills, pills. That's right. How about a blouse made of soil? This is something Erin might wear. From dress barn. A blouse made of soil?

I would love to be the dress barn spokesperson.

All right, Erin. You got your moment of... This is Jackie's Dress Barn.

Hi, I'm Jackie's Cockies, and I'm here at Dress Barn. Do you want to wear this kind of dress? It has a blue print with a little bit of flowers. Over here, there's another kind of dress. It's the sort of dress your aunt would wear at a wedding. I'm here with several aunts here at Dress Barn. They're buying their nieces homecoming dresses and themselves dresses for daily life.

Adal, Erin's been there for like an hour. Should we say something? Can you do the Swedish chef doing closing time?

Casey got up and left. He just shoraded, fuck this place? No, no, Vito. Oh, a dirt shirt. What was it? Dirt shirt. It is dirt shirt.

How about a particular looking goatee? I'm sorry, a peculiar looking goatee. A weird beard. That's a weird beard.

Erin, that's a weird beard.

And you're listening to 107 FM in the morning.

Um, you both have beards.

Yes, true, correct.

Should I start wearing a fake beard to live shows?

Yes. Erin, I will pay for it if you wear it.

Okay, I'll do it.

Erin, when you go to live shows, you've got two fake beards. That's Adal and I. Oh, okay. You know what I'm saying?

How long have you had a beard?

I've had a beard since my neck surgery. I've had a beard since, boy oh boy, off and on since college, but I've maintained a beard since maybe 2008, I wanna say.

I think I was probably 20 when I grew a weird chin strap goatee thing that did not look good, but I was probably, probably wasn't until I was like 22 until I had a beard beard.

I knew you when you didn't. Right? Did you always have a beard the whole time in Chicago?

I had a mustache for a long time. You used to have a Salvador Dali mustache. I had a huge, huge mustache for about a year-ish.

But did you have nothing ever?

There's been a couple times in Chicago where I've gone clean-shaven, but what it is for me is that I do not like to shave, and it takes no effort to grow a beard. You basically have to do nothing, and then you just have a beard. So that is my preference.

It's also nice to not...

I was going to say it's nice to not go into the Chicago winter with like aftershave like with a raw face.

I would never, I would never shave until like summertime at all.

I would never shave for this bit is looking great. When I met you on Sarab and Jason's porch at a party, we talked about Veep.

What is his origin story?

That's where we met. That's where the first time in the first time JVC and I talked, we talked about Veep for like 20 minutes. And I remember being like, that guy's really funny. And then the next time I saw you, I remember not recognizing you. Because I didn't have a beard? Because one of those was an inverse of the other, your facial hair change.

It's been very little time that I've spent without a beard, or not counting the mustache.

It's also possible you had a mustache one of the times and then a beard the next time I saw you.

Let's figure it out now.

Let's go, let's do it. This is the best time for it. Yeah, let's take a little break. Do you notice how I'm winking? This is the best time for it. Sure, I thought you were having a stroke, honestly. Oh, I am. I'm a clone.

Well, let's take a little break.

Adal's gonna go to the hospital, Erin and I are gonna figure it out. No need.

I'm a clone. Oh, good, yeah. Kill me. That's right, sure.

Kill me.

We'll be right back with less Adal.

No.

Kill me.

And we are clones. No, we've killed the clones. They're stinking in a pile over there. The clones are dead.

I didn't clone myself. I just put myself in two parts because I have two hearts.

Two hearts, two hearts.

On CBS this fall.

Twins, twins, twins, twins.

One of them dies, one gets both hearts, two hearts, one part. God, I love to have two hearts.

I don't know if four hearts is like a fucking space movie.

So let's cast two hearts. That's going to be Kevin Hart and Melissa Jones. Hart? Yeah. Those are the two hearts. They're twins.

They remake one of the Mary-Kate and Ashley mystery movies.

Just the Parent Trap.

They remake the Parent Trap again.

So, this episode we haven't done a ton of riddles. I'll come clean, I'll be honest. Fine, you caught us.

The listeners would have never known unless we told them.

Well, we haven't done a ton, but I do want to mention that we are working with a finite resource. Riddles are basically, I don't know, fucking coal, right? There's a limited amount. There's no more dinosaurs making, because dinosaurs famously pooped coal, there's no more dinosaurs to make coal, right?

Yeah, there's that one in my backyard that I'm keeping safe for people like you.

More coal, Mrs. Erin?

Are you kissing that dinosaur?

Please don't make me go back down to the coal mine, Mrs. Erin.

That's horrible. If I had him and I, I was like protecting him and he was my friend.

You have a dinosaur slave who you call.

Let's just say I have a dinosaur as well, but I keep him in the bedroom. He's a pegasaurus. In the bedroom I'm afraid of Saratop. So something I thought we could do...

This is the most fun we've ever had. Everybody just relax.

Something I thought we could do to sort of, like when you sneak into your parents' liquor cabinet when you're a kid and you take some bourbon, you might put some water in to help dilute that and make it last a little longer. So something I thought we could do is try out some new segments. These would be reoccurring segments that we introduce that don't burn a million riddles so that we can keep doing the podcast for a long, long time. Interesting.

Well, that sounds like the listener got way more information than they needed behind our secret plan. But I love it, but I love it. And I think that we should do it. And I think that they'll honestly, they'll forget this.

Great. So for this first segment that I'm going to introduce, what I need us to do is, one, I need us to have a lot of energy. Is that okay? Dr. Sleep's over here?

Oh, we're getting pulled over.

Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Be cold. Everybody be cold. The podcast is getting pulled over. Hold on. Hold on. Let me handle this.

Let me handle it.

Thanks for watching! What seems to be the problem?

Do you know how fast you were going?

Well, we're about 35 minutes in, so... Never answer that question. Sorry, I don't know.

I don't... Can I see your license and podcast registration, please?

Yep. Here's a certificate from Headgum that says I am able to do a podcast. What was the other thing you needed? It says you're Adal to do a podcast. Shit. Okay.

I don't have a license or something. I have a license. It's just a picture of Jake and Amir that they gave us. This is a license to a podcast on this network.

Japes, that is a rake and a beer. You are holding a rake in a beer.

I love their podcast. What are some reviews that you've gotten? What are some iTunes reviews?

Greg from Colorado famously called us boring and uninspired. Most of our reviews are either not enough riddles or too many riddles, so we can't win.

There's one review from a user called MyGrandma that says, how do I rate the podcast? That's a one-star review.

Well, one of your backlights is out. Oh, really? It says here, yeah. Well, I just did a little bit of research on you. It seems like Erin is underappreciated. Well, keep an eye on that.

Can I see your badge? Give me your gun. Get on the floor. Get on the floor. You're under arrest. Squeal like a piggy.

I have lots of energy. That's all to say.

I love telling a cop, can I see your badge? The answer is always no. Great. So for this first segment, we need some energy. So what's going to happen is just to this sort of rhythm like... That's fast. That's so fast. We're going to list animals doing or holding something. So we might say a snake with an egg roll. 20 eagles fucking. Right? Does that make sense? Or horse with a trumpet.

Doing something or holding something.

Yes.

Gotcha. Okay. And it could be any number of... You said 20 Eagles. Can you explain it one more time?

A prairie die with a hand grenade.

A chinchilla with a McDonald's bag.

A fox with a cup of coffee. A dolphin with a mustache.

A zebra with a cocktail.

A dolphin without a mustache. A monkey with a hand grenade. That brings us to our very first animal parade.

We've been to two animals at two hours and our six things that we did.

I want to play again! Well you said something that rhymes with parade, a monkey with a hand grenade. That brings us to our segment animal parade. This is a segment within a segment? No, the name of the segment is Animal Parade. The name of the segment is Animal Parade. This was all the lead-up to me announcing it.

Oh! Okay, fine, but can we do that again? That was so fun!

So versus getting into the segment, you'd rather replay the intro? That was so fun! Wait a second, wait a second.

You guys are the fucking worst! Wait, that's not the segment, that's the intro? I thought that was the segment! I love that!

You are the fucking worst!

Literally before the podcast, I said I'm gonna introduce a segment. The only thing I ask is to go with it and you guys go

What is it we're gonna do? How the fuck would we not know that that was the segment? We embraced it with open arms, having no idea that that was the intro to the segment.

I thought that was the segment. I loved that segment. But hold on, who said grenade first? You think I would just explain a game, put a title to it, and that's the reverse engineer that... Did I say grenade first or did you say grenade first? You said grenade, and then I stopped it to say animal prey, because that's the name of the segment. But how did you know I was gonna say grenade? I didn't. Holy shit, then that's amazing. That's why I stopped it to move into the segment,

I swear to god you explained it like this was the secret.

I regret nothing. Okay.

Can we play again?

I'm gonna throw up. All I know.

Here we go. Casey, do not touch this episode.

This episode is perfect. A horse with a whisper.

A kitty cat with a boat.

Beaver doing push-ups. A monkey with some lemonade.

An eagle with some pink lemonade.

A bat missing its dad.

A rhino with a superiority complex.

That brings us to Animal Parade. So Animal Parade is a segment I'd like to introduce. Can we also name the segment that we just did?

Yeah, can that be the Adal's Mad segment?

That's always how we get into Animal Parade. Okay, we're ready. What do you got? I used to be Adal, now I'm a clone, named Madal. So what I'm going to do is I'm just going to read a brief article about something going on with animals because here's the thing, animals are a mystery, right? That fits into the show. And the rest is history.

Much like space, animals are a mystery.

Yeah, I wanted to be a zoologist before I went into doing what I do with theater, which is the exact opposite of being a zoologist. Bullshit! The exact opposite of helping people.

Well, some theaters are zoos.

And you two know that my favorite thing in the world to do, and I did it several times last night in world news, is to play animals. So I thought to do something with animals and that brought me to Animal Parade. So I'm going to read an article about what's going on in the animal world and then I'm going to give you all a puzzle or a riddle having to do with animals and we'll have to solve that. Can we comment on this article as you read it? Absolutely, that's the point of it, is that it's fodder, it's something that's not a riddle that we can use for inspiration in scenes and kind of talk about, so that we have some longevity. So the article I found is from the Washington Post. The title of this article is, if emotional support animals are banned from planes, some people say they'll stop flying. Now Ali is a 35-pound, 4-year-old, obedient school graduate who can roll over and shake on command. He is also a seasoned air traveler. The miniature golden noodle has flown in the plane cabin dozens of times, always without incident according to its owner, Tracy Halama. But Ollie's flying days may be numbered because he is an emotional support animal for Halama's teen daughter, who suffers from anxiety. The Transportation Department last week proposed allowing airlines to treat support animals as pets rather than service animals, which have been trained to perform a task or function for a person with disabilities. How do we feel about that?

That's not good.

No, that's awful. Why would they do that? Also, this person's name is Halama. That person's just a llama. That's a llama in disguise.

Here's a quote from the president of the Association of Flight Attendants. It says, the days of Noah's Ark in the air are hopefully coming to an end. Although wacky animals get the most attention, the transportation department says the vast majority of emotional support animals on planes are dogs. So they're going to call an end to this, which seems like it's going to be... No more dogs on planes? Very, very sad. No more dogs on planes. No more snakes on planes.

No emotional support dogs on planes, but like if you're like blind or you have like a disability that's not like an emotional thing, you can still, right? Yeah, that's a service dog.

Service animals.

That's still really bad.

It says here, the proposed rules seek to address conundrums that mushroomed as more animals have taken to the skies, the most controversial of which may be the proliferation of emotional support animals. Training is not required for support animals, about 751,000 of which flew in 2017. The current regulation's broad definition of a service animal Has allowed all manner of species to board free. A duck, a marmoset among them.

Huh. That emotional support animal thing, it's also just like insanely easy to do. You basically like pay $100 online and you get a certificate and then you have an emotional support animal.

I had, I was on a flight late last year and as I was falling asleep I felt... I was sleeping on a flight late last night. And I felt something, I thought it was a human like grabbing my legs and I freaked out and I was like there's a killer, there's a killer coming up from under my seat. Oh my god wait that is a great screenplay idea. It was terrifying. It was the most I've legit been fearful of my life. What was the dog behind you? It was under the seat, yeah whoever the owner was put it on the floor and took the leash off. So just running around the plane and it ran under my seat and like was grabbing at my feet and I was, I thought it was like a small killer. Grabbing.

The dog was grabbing. The name of my movie is Small Killer.

I want to see a scene. Erin, you are boarding a flight. I will be the sort of ticket taker or flight attendant, and J.P. She will be some sort of emotional support animal for Erin. Okay, ticket please.

Here you go.

And I don't need a ticket because I'm an emotional support animal. He's with me. Huh. I'm so sorry. I don't want to make any assumptions.

He's my emotional support man.

I'm an emotional support, a man's an animal. And so I'm an animal. So you're bringing on an emotional support animal, which is man. Yeah. And therefore not needing a ticket. Therefore getting clearly what is your boyfriend or husband on the flight.

No, no, no, no. We're not.

We're not. No, I mean, we... My pet. Yeah, I'm a pet. I'm an emotional support animal. I don't need to know your sex life. Okay, if you're an emotional support animal, I need to put you through the rigmarole. I need to see your training.

Okay.

So, go ahead and sit. Yeah, sit in here. Okay, sure. Wanna see it on the chair? Why not? Okay, go ahead.

Go ahead and beg. Oh, please let me have your Netflix password. Oh, come on. I'm not gonna look at anything weird. They don't even have porn on there.

And I want you to roll over. What carrier do you have, AT&T? I want to see you roll over your minutes. Roll over your minutes. Nobody has roll over minutes. Okay, then I can't let you on the flight.

Okay, come on, come on, man.

Honey, I mean, emotional support animal, why don't you just roll over in one of your ideas? Wait, is his name Honey? Yeah, his name's Honey. Why don't you roll over in one of your ideas? You know what I mean? Different kind of roll over.

Well, I'll roll over. You start talking about something, I'll start talking about something that interests me. You say that you don't like it, and then I'll immediately backpedal.

Okay.

Yeah, so I can't wait for the Super Bowl. Don't like it? Oh, yeah. More like superb owl.

Yeah, football is just guys throwing balls under their butts.

A sports ball? Can we get more passes, please? I can't help but notice that you do have a superb-looking owl on your shoulder. What is that? Oh, this is my master? This is Hawkins. Wonderful. So let's get into the second part of Animal Parade, which is some sort of riddle or trivia or quiz or puzzle that you all have to solve involving animals.

Don't show how disappointed you are that there isn't an actual animal parade coming through this DDO. Do not let it show on your face.

After what we mentioned was in the parade, we don't want to see that. Just monkeys and dolphins with grenades.

No, I want to see the bat who misses his dad.

His name is Bruce Wayne. So here we go. I'm going to give you all two minutes on the clock and what you have to do... I only need one. Okay. Erin, you heard.

I need no minutes.

What I need you to do is come up with at least one animal for every letter of the alphabet. Again, I'm going to give you two minutes. Starting with a going in order through Z, you have to come up with an animal for every letter of the alphabet.

Okay, hold on. Wait, are Erin and I... We're a team. Are we doing a co-op or are we doing it one by one?

Let's do one by one. Here we go.

But we can help each other out.

Sure, but I'm not gonna give you time to think about it. Here we go. Okay, ready? Put your computer away, you fuck. He's gonna keep track. Yeah, I'm keeping track, stupid. Better. Here we go. Start.

Aardvark. Bat. Cow. Dog. Eagle.

Okay, I'm already going to remove one point for not saying donkey. Eagle, go.

Fox.

You help, you help. Great ape.

Great ape? Yeah. Horse. It's a type of ape. Do you mean a gorilla, my man? Gorilla. You can't use a fucking adjective. Hello?

A gorilla is one of the great apes.

Uh, llama. Llama, lemur. Great, Erin has to do the next five.

I've been chewing all of them. Mouse. Uh, newt. Uh, penguin.

Oh, orangutan.

Orangutan. Oh, sorry. Uh, penguin. Quail. Quail.

Quail. Quail.

Quail. Quail. Quail. Uh, rabbit. Uh, snake. Uh, turtle. Um,

You can't be mythological.

I wasn't going to say unicorn. This is the most stressed I've ever seen, Erin.

What?

What's a you animal? I know there is some.

Can we skip and go back?

Oh, we can.

Yes, we can. You animal. This is animal parade. I made the rules. Is an umpire an animal? Oh god, what the fuck isn't- Okay, this is something- Do you know one?

Do you know one?

Yeah, it's something you might have for the adventurous sushi eater. Umami? It might be a little spiky. Urchin.

Okay.

T-U-V.

My brain.

This is a carrion. It's a type of bird.

Vulture. V-U-W. Whale. X. Is there one that begins with X?

X-bra? Zebra? I can think of one. One that begins with an X. Sure. An excited xylophone. X-ray eel, maybe?

Okay. Why?

Okay, I think of Benny Hill. Umm... You think of the Benny Hill theme?

Yurt.

Yup, exactly. Yurtany Cirks.

Yeah, oh yeah.

And then a zebra.

Zebra.

Yay! You all got it in two minutes and 38 seconds, which means we have to redo it with all new animals.

Okay.

No, we're not gonna do that. No.

The hominidae, whose members are known as Great Apes or hominids... Bullshit, look at your fucking science and get back to what you're fucking eating. Bullshit.

How'd we like Animal Parade?

I loved it. Loved the intro. Intro's very fun to do.

Should the intro just be the same? No, no, no.

Are there other, so legit, are there other animals that begin with you?

Let's look it up.

What other animals begin with you? Do you know? Underwater ape. Underwater ape sounds like a cartoon network, handlebarbaric cartoon.

And all it says is underwater. It's like rape ape but drowning.

See urchin.

Urchin.

Umbrella bird.

Umbrella bird sounds fake.

U-R-I-A-L, what is this?

Urial?

Yeah, what is that?

Little mermaid?

No. There's a Ulysses butterfly.

Unicorn fish. It's a narwhal.

There's not a lot.

So most of those are also just like, again, adjective. The unicorn fish or the ugly bird.

Unicorn or what is this? Wait, the umbrella bird is very fun.

Oh really?

Yeah, fun vibe, great vibe.

I think I saw those on Planet Earth and they make like a little dance. Yeah, that's where you would see them. I don't think you'd see them on fucking bars.

Oh, I'm obsessed with those birds who flirt. Birds who try to be sexy for other birds are the funniest, funniest things. I used to post a lot in my Instagram stories. You know those videos of birds flirting for other birds? I really don't.

They like spin around the circle. They're like, whoop whoop whoop. They're like birds of prey.

And then they like change their eye color. Then they bow.

That's what I'm talking about. And they do like sexy stuff. And they like click.

And they just like do little like spins.

And they hop right and left. And then another one, the female will come and watch and be like, no thanks, hard pass.

Or she'll like shit on him like everywhere we're in. This is on my dude.

I know that's the reason why like male birds have plumage and like very colorful plumage because if they're sick and they're like shitting all over themselves it would cover their plumage and like bird shit. By plumage you mean they're puffing clouds? Oh yeah they're vaping dude.

They're fucking blowing huge clouds.

Birds that vape. Google birds that vape. That's the hottest thing. Let's go into, we're gonna do one more, we're gonna do another segment. We might do a third one. For this next segment, I need to step out of the room for just some moments so you two entertain yourselves.

What did we talk about when Adal's not here?

Oh, Adal? Yeah, that's true.

How tall do you think Adal is?

Six-one.

Okay, and that feels right.

Yeah, you're 5'9 and I'm 6'11. Yeah.

Wait a minute.

6'1 is accurate. You know who's also 6'1? Hitler, Mussolini. Hitler and Mussolini. We're both 6'1.

Hey, Pussbot, do you have a clone? We were just talking about clones earlier.

No, I don't have a clone.

Okay. Okay.

But if I did, I would kiss it.

Thank you.

Thank you. Same girl, same. Same girl, same. Same girl, same. Yas queen, Pussbot. Yas queen, Pussbot.

Um, Pussbot, what segment are you introducing?

Are you hosting a segment, Pussbot? I'm hosting a segment. Would you like to hear the title? This is the title leading into the segment. This is not the segment itself. Is there a game? Is there a game that goes with the title? No. Oh. Oh, good.

Alright, we're ready, Pussbot.

Yeah, what's the title, Pussbot? The title of this segment is Beep, Bop, Zeep, Zorp, It's, Puzz, Bots, Trivia, Corpse. So there's a song that goes with the title?

What the fuck? Pussbot, did you kill someone? This is a fucking JBC. What the fuck do we do?

Is Buzzbot gonna pull out a body that we have to tell him whose body this is?

Oh God, Jesus.

Here's how it goes. I'm going to pull out a body. You have to tell me whose body this is and how I killed them.

Let's see. Squeeze to death with metal claws. Correct. Squeeze to death with metal claws.

You've played this before. I have Buzzbot. You win. No, no. Joking. I was programmed to joke. I was programmed to do two things. Three things. Sol Riddles. Tell jokes and feel pain. It tick-ass and chew bubblegum, right?

I was programmed to do two things. Be a snack and smile back.

Goldfish.

Oh, good, Pussbop.

Here's how this segment works with Puzzbot. Let me repeat the title. Beep bop, zeep zorp, it's Puzzbot's Trivia Corpse. Trivia Corpse is a catchy name. Sure. Fact.

It's a Wednesday morning. No one wants to hear the word corpse. Trivia Corpse. Come on.

Okay. So here's what's going to happen. I'm going to tell you about someone who in history died in an unusual way. I will give you three options in how they died. You will have to guess which is the right option.

Okay.

And will we be familiar with this person? No. Got it. Probably not. Sure. Ready? Yes. Here's the first one. Brazilian man, Hoya Maria de Sousa, was killed in 2013 when a blank fell through his roof onto him as he slept.

Well, first of all, rest in peace, that's so sorry.

Yes, so sorry. We should not say full names. Let me beep-bop-zeep-zorp this out. When a blank fell through his roof onto him as he slept, was it a robot?

Okay, was it a unicorn fish?

What are you doing? I explained how the segment works.

I thought I would do a callback. Go ahead.

Let's do a callback to Animal Parade. A cat with a piano. A robot with a friendship bracelet. Oh my god. He made one. I did. Pussbot has a best friend. Second up to Pussbot. J.P.C. Yes. Pussbot's my new best friend. You suck up to Pussbot? Pussbot sucks down on you.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, Pussbot. Pussbot.

I'm a traceratop. I'm a traceratop.

Not interested, Pussbot. All right, okay, bat, all right.

Daddy was made to slurp.

What's option B?

Just call your dick ramen. Because I'm a slurp that's not a thing. Uh-oh, Pussbot. Malfunction. Malfunction. Let's just recommit. All right, A is robot.

A is robot.

Here we go. A Brazilian man was killed in 2013 when a blank fell through his roof onto him as he slept. Was it A, a robot? B, a cow? C, a car? Answer please. Cow.

I'm gonna say cow. Cow seems the wildest of those things.

I'll go with a car just to have a different answer than you.

The answer is cow. A cow fell through his roof onto him as he slept crushing him to death. Was the cow, was the cow like on the roof on purpose?

Was this a prank? What do you think? Uh, no. Cause cows can't go downstairs, right? Cause this man had a fucking farm roof. I went to see a scene. There's a place in Wisconsin where there's like goats that live on top of the roof.

But isn't that true though, that cows can't go downstairs? They can only go upstairs?

That is, let me check. Fact, that is correct. I think that's an urban legend. That is correct, Erin is underappreciated.

Ah, taking... Alright, being careful.

Pudbot's really coming in strong with these endorsements.

I want to see a scene. Okay. JPC, you are playing a farmer. Sure. Erin, you are playing a cow. Okay.

Wow, he went from compliment to, Erin, you are playing a cow.

Alright, I'm ready. Wait, hold on, let me roll over on that. No, no, I wanna do it, I wanna do it. Let me walk that back. Shit, cows can't go downstairs.

Alright, ready?

Yes.

Move over. I want to watch the movie with you. The movie with you.

Go back to the barn, okay?

No. I want to watch the movie with you. Come on.

We can't keep doing this, Bess. Come on. Hey, no.

Let's watch Twister. I want to see one of my own fly through the sky.

Bess, we can't keep doing this, okay? How come? I let you watch Ghostbusters with me on a lark one time because I was feeling lonely, but it's time for you to go back to your barn.

But I love movies.

Time for the scene to end. End of scene. Close your fin.

Was that a good edit?

It hurts so much more when Puzzbot ends your scenes. It's not warm at all.

There's no joy, no love. Here is the next trivia corpse. Please say that you are ready. Ready. Please mean it.

Affirmative. Please have energy.

Shit, hold on, we're getting pulled over. Everyone be cool. I don't have a license. I'm a robot.

I'm just pulling you over again today. Are you appreciating, Erin?

Yes, I am.

And you have plans to continue to appreciate it?

Here's a sneak and a mirror. Officer, can I see your badge and gun?

Oh yeah, sure.

Okay. Blam blam. Blam blam.

It works properly.

My best friend is dead.

Alright, I'm ready. Go.

Here we go, here is the next one. This is the next trivia corpse. A Canadian lawyer was trying to prove that the glass in the windows of a 24th floor office was unbreakable by throwing himself against it. It didn't break, but it did do this. Did it A. shatter and he fell to his death. B. pop out of its frame and he plunged to his death. Or C. a robot killed him.

Well, so he said it didn't break, so it couldn't have shattered.

So I guess it just came out of its frame.

Well, or a robot killed him.

I believe- You know, let's go with that one, husband.

Wait, he was trying to prove that the glass was unbreakable, but who knows what happened? Oh, okay, okay. It could be an Elon Musk situation. Sure, sure, sure.

I think it came out- it popped out of its frame.

I think it also popped out of its frame. Like a man who's at men's warehouse, he popped out of his frame.

Is that they- Is that true?

The thing you said about men's warehouse?

That's horrible. I don't think so.

You are correct. It popped out of its frame.

What year did this happen?

I went to a CA scene.

It must have been so traumatizing for people to watch.

Erin, I want you to be someone who's trying to prove that the glass is unbreakable.

But also for this guy, he was wrong. So it's like, it's doubly bad. There's all sorts of nightmarish things. It's tragic and everyone afterwards is like, he was also wrong.

Repeating self. Repeating self. I'd like to see a scene. Erin, you are trying to prove that the glass is unbreakable. And go.

Okay. You guys check this out.

You think this glass wasn't unbreakable?

Yeah, this glass wasn't unbreakable. Look, wait, come over to my computer.

How can you prove it? It's me, Office Man.

All right, come over to my computer. Look, look, look, there's a freeze frame of, and stuff. Fast forward and freeze. Look, look, that's that glass.

I mean, it's a glass. That could be CGI. It's in a diner. It's secured by his hand.

No, no, no. That is the glass.

Prove it now. Here and now.

I love my wife and kids. Let's just walk up to the glass and ask it. All right. Hey, Glass. Were you? I'm so sorry to bother you. Excuse me.

I'm with my wife.

I know. I'm just so sorry. I'm with my wife. Were you an unbreakable?

Are you?

I'm so sorry. I hate bothering celebrities like this.

This happens to me so often. No, I was an unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.

Oh my god. Wow. You look like you're famous, so I just knew you were in the business. Incredible.

Can I just say I am a human man playing a character? You're a robot. You're definitely a robot.

You really took over the scene.

End of scene. End of scene improv done. Here is the last one. This has been Beep. Bop. Shit. Beep bop zeep zorp. Buzzbots trivia corpse. We're just gonna call it beep bop shit. Buzzbots trivia corpse. Here's the last one. Okay. Robert Williams, a Ford assembly line worker, is the first human in history to have been killed by blank. Is it a car? Is it a light bulb? Or is it a robot?

It's a robot. This is the one time it's a robot.

I feel like Puzbot really wants us to guess that it was a robot. It's a robot. I would say he was killed by the unending and never-ending gears of capitalism grinding on further and further, pushing him into a career where he was forced to be killed by a robot.

Ding, ding, ding, ding. That is the wrong answer to buzz.

Puzbot, you gotta recalibrate your buzz answers. I'll get my hopes up. Recalibrating does not compute.

Was that correct?

What was your answer? You got killed by a robot. I didn't jerk off for a whole year and I recalibrated. Erin, bingo bingo hot ta ta ta. You are correct. He is the first known man in history to have been killed by a robot. He was hit by a robot arm that killed him.

That's horrible.

Just so you know, I was not there.

I'm so sorry to his family.

Sorry to this man.

Housebot, why did you have to bring that up? Like, that you weren't there.

And this guy, and you weren't there, Puzmont? I was not there.

Why even say that?

Huh?

We weren't even gonna ask.

But was he a member of your family there? Like a father or something? It does not compute. You've got really strong arms. Hmm. Was there like an armbot in your family tree that may have been there, Puzmont? Maybe. Can we have Adal back to Puzmont? Fucking murderer.

Yes, of course. We have to go do plugs. Let me go get him. Get the fuck out of here, Puzmont.

Oh, Adal's back!

Hey! Hey! Adal! Sorry, I have my segment ready. Ready? Adal, I don't like plugs, but... Why not?

If he's creepy... We need a murderer.

Well, hey, okay, come on. We're all murderers.

Adal, anything to plug?

I have a few things I want to plug. I want to plug... Can you pick one? Well, I want to plug Puzzbot in so he can return.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I want to recommend that people go check out season three of Offices and Bosses, which is a D&D-type Magic Tavern spin-off, is now on Stitcher Premium. We have a few episodes that will be out by the time this releases. You can go to Stitcher Premium and sign up, I believe, using the code MAGIC to get some money off. So please check that out. The first episode stars JPC. Features. Features, sorry. Features. Well, I listened to it and it stars you. So please check that out. We also have Steve Altin returning as a series of bats, Brooke Bright as Flower, Jamie and Samy, a bunch of fun guests. So please check out Office of Embosses Season 3. I also want to recommend that you check out our review We have a monthly live stream. We also have a new review of Twin Peaks Up, which was a GD blast to record and I really enjoyed. And the last thing I want to do is thank Nick Kelly and Jessica Haddell. I think her last name is. Sounds like Adal, but they sent me, after I mentioned I want to keep reading the Animorphs series, they sent me 25 Animorph books.

Wow.

That's so nice.

That's very cool. Do you now, is your set any closer to completion? Absolutely. After I got 25 Animorph books? I didn't know if they, did they send you like 1 through 25 or did they send you the ones you were missing?

They sent me a bunch and all of them are ones I did not have. Wow, that's so cool. I'm very excited. Thank you so much Nick and Jessica.

James, anything you want to plug? No, I would just plug that if you liked, if you're a member of our Patreon and you liked our last Hey Ridd D&D session that was hosted by Rush Howell of the Wonderful Here's the Situation podcast, we will be doing another one, another episode arc, so be on the lookout for that. We'll have like new stretch goals associated with it. It's very cool.

Those episodes were so fun to record.

And that's patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle.

Follow me, Erin Keif 10, on Instagram and also follow Hey Riddle Riddle on Instagram and Twitter. We love seeing when you tag us in fan art and when you let us know what parts of the show you love. It's just really nice to talk to you there. That's it.

And Erin, one place that you would love to talk if there was oxygen would be... Oh, Jupiter for sure. I guess I'd like to plug a few things up.

No, go away, go away, go away, go away.

Walk off.

Bye forever, 0110.

I'm sorry, Erin Keif and John Patrick Coan, Casey Tony did the editing, and already parents in the music. Loco created by Emily Cardenas and Emily Nemours.

That was a Headgum Podcast.