Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast. Hey Riddle, Riddle is adding more live shows. That's right. We're going to be in Chicago on May 23rd at Shubas. We have two shows, 7 PM and 10 PM. If you want to get tickets, go to headgum.com slash live. While you're there, why not buy tickets to our LA show? We sell some of those for sale and then just fly out to LA and see us there as well. You can get those tickets headgum.com slash live.

The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice.

Know if, ands, or bots about it. It's Hey Riddle Riddle. I'm Puzzbot.

Hey Puzzbot.

I'm Puzzbot. Hey Puzzbot.

I'm, I'm GPC. This is, um, I can, Erin.

Oh, you want me to help you? Sorry, I'll tie your apron on for you.

Thank you. Running analysis can, can discern that you two are disappointed.

No, no, no.

We're super glad that you decided to be here in 2020, Pussbot.

This is definitely one of our favorite Adal characters.

This makes me want to take out my batteries. No, Pussbot, you're a fan favorite. A lot of people like you, Pussbot. Really?

It's just that people really like Adal. That's sort of what we're running into right now.

The other day I did a talk at a high school and everyone called me Piss Butt. But it's also because I sat in some piss. Why tell me that? Don't tell JPC that. Never tell JPC you got called Pissbut. To give you ammo. Because by making fun of me, I will endear myself to you. Call me Pissbut. I don't need ammo because I've got two unloaded guns and then I flex and it sacks. It's been a while.

Pussbut, Adal's just a hard act to follow.

Yes, I can understand.

It's just like, it's not really you, but it is you, do you know?

So we do love Adal.

What a weird, this is such a weird kind of... We love Adal more than Piss Butt.

Sure. We love Adal more than Piss Butt. I'm confident. I put that on a t-shirt.

Hey JPC, can I do a quick sidebar with you?

Oh sure.

What did our therapist say?

I'm here too.

Okay, one second. JPC, what did our therapist say to do when Adal projects himself into Puss Butt and asks if we love him? What was the advice?

I can't, I remember our therapist said that we have to tell our significant others, but I don't remember anything past that. Huh.

Huh. Huh.

So what is the answer? Do we love Adal? Oh, you know what our therapist said? What? As our therapist said that we have to embrace the Adal that we get. So we have to embrace Puzzbot.

Adal told me he sent you both postcards from Harry Potter World and you never told him you got them.

Do you want to know what happened? Is that a thing you do? You tell someone you got their postcard?

Fuck off. Want to know what happened in my house? We lost our mail key for a month and a half. I got a lot of Christmas cards in the mail today. Today was when we got our mail key.

Okay, then that makes sense.

And I've never opened a piece of mail. I've only thrown away mail that people send me. You don't open postcards. That's a good point.

Your postcard's on our refrigerator. Plus your Christmas card's on our refrigerator.

Why are you saying me? I am Postbot. Adal's postcard is on my refrigerator, Postbot. Thank you, JPC.

JPC doesn't have a refrigerator. I've been to your house.

By my refrigerator, I do me my dog's asshole.

Riddle's coming back.

Hey Adal. Hey, how's it going?

Good.

So if you're a new listener, you're long gone. Sorry guys, let me wipe off this metallic paint. I was painting my house metal. That's right, you heard that. And I just walked by Pezbot. I don't know if you guys, when you guys blinked, I saw Pezbot leave and I walked by him. Oh no, what was he doing? Leaving. He's crying oil. I think he also sat in piss.

Let's make fun of him.

Erin, did you get my postcard?

I did. On related news, I found my mail key today.

Did you laugh at it? I did. How much mail was in there? Eventually, doesn't the mail person just stop putting mail in there?

Well, I laughed. I had to bring down two bags to get all of the mail and stuff. So they just kept shoving it in? How deep is your love? Pretty deep. But it was like Sean's glasses that he ordered like three months ago. We collectively, sometimes as a couple, can be so low functioning together.

I would think that a mail carrier would, every time they open that up to put more mail in and just see a thousand things in there, they would be like, these people have died and I should report this to some sort of supervisor.

Yeah. Well, one time Sean went down there when the mail person was down there. So that's how we got our mail like a month ago. But yeah.

And how did you get the mail key back? Did you just email a super or something?

I found these under our sink, and Sean had already ordered a new one, so we lost $25. It was under our sink.

Oh, damn.

Can you afford that?

No.

Sean can't.

We both can.

Is that why instead of wearing clothes, you're just holding up two coconuts?

Yeah.

Over your eyes.

Over my eyes. Sort of fun.

If you can't see.

They're like on my hands like in Pan's Labyrinth. I just like open up and it's just two coconuts and I'm dead naked.

Doug Jones. Two coconuts on your hands like in Pan's Labyrinth.

You know.

I must have watched a different movie. You know the tropical monster?

Instead of eyes, it's coconuts.

I was gonna say I don't remember coconut hands in that movie. Oh sorry, that's Pinas Labyrinth. Pinas Colada.

I feel like the show has two different settings. It's the kind of delirious and energy we have when we haven't seen each other in a long time. And then the kind of delirium and energy we have when we've seen a lot of each other.

Just too much of each other. Our two speeds are delirious and raw.

Everyone pause and then guess which one this is. Have we seen each other recently or what?

Everyone being the listeners. The ones that are long gone. So go ahead and walk in your answers.

Who's old man pauses?

That's JPC. JPC is Old Man Puzzles. And I'll be Old Man Puzzles for the entire episode. And I got a special treat for you guys. The special treat... Rice Krispies?

Yeah, Rice Krispies.

Guys, I told you my dog's butt hole broke, so I won't be able to make those treats for you anymore.

That's not as cold as it once has.

It just can't keep heat anymore. No, I've got some anagram-style riddles in the style of Pad Conoy. Now, I will tell you, this Pad motherfucker, this motherfucking guy, one of our good friends, he's so popular that now other people write into the show with Pad-style riddles. He's got his own style of riddles. They're anagram riddles. If you are unfamiliar with these riddles, there are, I think, two previous episodes where Pad has written in these riddles and you can go check those out but as a special treat I am going to give you guys all to start out some warm-up riddles some Pad style riddles that were submitted by someone I feel like I'm gonna get this name wrong Milti? M-I-L-T-I what was that?

Milti? Milton Bradley? It's Milton. I just wrote down on my phone I made a note for myself it just says Angela Graham which is a character I want to put in a book

Just you want to go to a bookstore, grab a pen, throw that in.

Her name's Angela Graham. Great expectations. And they call her Annagram. OK. Great. Adal? Great. Sorry I'm working. I don't have time for this podcast.

I read a book about multitasking and my life is different now.

They said always write a novel. Even when you're having a conversation, eating lunch, doing something else, be writing.

That's how great writers write. I read Anna Karenina and I was like, Angela Karenina? Okay. Tolstoy II. Yep.

Tolstoy IV. Adal's going to have a couple more of these throughout the course of the episode. So stay tuned. Okay. So this is your first one. These are from Milti. You may think that I am your dad, but if you ask me, I, a fair lad, am not quite that old. When you are so cold, it makes me both upset and sad.

I just remembered I don't like these kind of riddles. So there's an anagram in there that has the answer to it. So not only do I have to solve an anagram, I have to suss out in a 14 sentence paragraph where the anagram lies. This is the guy who was writing a fucking book while he's doing the podcast, now he can't multitask. Yeah and also in the last five seconds I came up with another character. She's a magician's assistant and her name is Miss Direction.

But you just got married, so what now?

So J.P.C., you tell me something. Uh-huh. Fuck, right, Missy Direction. That doesn't work. Uh, Miss Direction.

No, her name changed, though, so it's not good.

No, her name was Missy Direction. That's my favorite section of Craigslist, Miss Direction.

I was driving, I was driving on the, I was going the wrong way on the highway. I passed you, you were in a green Fiat.

I thought you said misdirection.

Yeah, misdirection. Misdirections.

Well, no, I was saying misconnections. I was saying misdirection. So I was driving the wrong way on the freeway. I saw you, you gave me a motor. Who are you?

I thought it meant like you, you wish you had been able to get an erection, but you couldn't.

I thought you said hyst. I would have loved to get turned on. This sucks.

So you're not good at riddles, but you are good at nothing. Okay, could you read it again? This show is just the devolution of three friendships. Devolution? Yeah, we're devolving.

Yeah, devolution. Devolution is one of the devil police.

You want to know what smog is?

It's my farts.

Devolution. Devolution. You may think that I am your dad, but if you ask me, I, a fair lad, am not quite that old. When you are so cold, it makes me both upset and sad.

Is it I a fair lad?

I a fair lad.

That's the... That is it.

Yeah, I a fair lad is the anagram.

And is there a title for this one? I mean, this isn't a Riddle podcast anymore. This is fucking homework.

This is my nightmare. I a fair lad.

My fair lady. I a fair lady.

Is it one word or two words?

It's two words. Great question, Erin. That's a good hint. Okay, I think I have it. What is it? I, Adal Rifai. No, it's just Adal Rifai. You forgot how many eyes were in your name?

The eyes have it. Yes, the eyes have it. The answer is Adal Rifai.

What was the question again?

Oh, there was no question.

It was just a riddle. What was the riddle again?

You may think that I'm your dad, but if you ask me, I, a fair lad, I'm not quite that old.

When you are so cold, it makes me both upset and sad. Well, a lot of people on the streets, if they're a fan of the show, they call me Pussy Daddy. They call me Pussy Daddy.

Uh-huh. And you don't like when people are cold?

No, that means they're rude to me. I also started calling Casey Audio Daddy. So if you see Casey Tony on the streets, you gotta scream, Audio Daddy, thank you. Thank you Audio Daddy. Thank you Audio Daddy. I'm up all night to do edits. I'm up all night to do edits. Okay, ready? Here's the next one.

That's true about Casey. I can text Casey at 1.30 in the morning being like, how do you internet?

I literally, this is not hyperbolic. I texted Casey at like 3.45 AM the other day and he responded. And it's great because we're both, we both are ruined. Both of our sleep schedules are ruined. You two are so fucked. But I think he gets up and is productive and then I sleep till 2 p.m. every day. So Adal Rifai, that's honestly, I came around.

I like this.

Huh. Turns out, when it's about me, it's pretty good. Thank you, uh, Milton Burrell.

I heard a guy yell, hey asshole, at me the other day, and I got so upset, but then I realized he was saying, hey Adal, and I was so happy. I was so happy. I was so happy. I was so happy with that interaction. I was like, hey Adal, you asshole.

You said my name, I'm so happy.

I'm so happy. Your overdone jokes cause me strife. If I hear just a single, my wife, I'll fly into a rage and shred up this page with my hate fork and my iron knife.

Oh no, this became notes.

I think it's JPC.

My hate fork and my iron knife. My hate fork and my iron knife. That's gotta be the anagram. My hate fork and my iron knife. No.

Is it?

No.

Is it?

What am I telling you?

It's John Patrick Coan.

I don't know.

That's the answer.

But where is it?

Probably right in front of me. I'm looking at him. Right here.

I'm just a boy looking at a girl falling off the Empire State Building.

I love Cleveland, Seattle. That's sort of something, right? Okay, okay, okay. Adal likes it because it has his name. Read it again, read it again.

Your overdone jokes cause me strife. If I hear just a single, my life, I'll fly into a rage and shred up this page with my hate fork and my iron knife.

That's not the end.

That's the end of the riddle. No, I know, but it... Well, again, riddle's a strong word.

You don't have an F in your name.

You don't have an F in your name. Yes I do. John Patrick Coan. Is it the rip up this page part? Tear up this page, rip up this page? It is not the shred up this page. Is it overdone jokes? It is not overdone jokes.

Is it my wife?

Is it the first part? It is not my wife.

Is it the second part?

Is there anything to do in here?

Yes, there's an anagram in here, yes. Give us a hint. Give us a hint? You guys are so close, but... Third part. Yeah, so far away. I fly into a rage?

No.

It's not in that. Let me repeat it back. You may, okay. Uh, your overdone jokes caused me strife. We said no to that. If I hear just a single Malab, we said no to that. Nope. I'll fly into a rage and shred up this page.

We said not a page, so fly into a rage. These are limb ricks. That's what these are. I'll fly into a rage. No, with my hate fork and my iron knife. All of those you said no to.

Where's Jay?

We've mentioned every single line of dialogue and you said no to it. I didn't say no to the last one. To iron fork and knife?

No, Erin said it's not that. She never said it is that. She just kept saying it's not that.

So it's iron fork and knife?

With my hate fork and my iron knife. It's in there.

Hate fork.

John Patrick Coan.

Where's your J? Where's the J?

Hate fork and iron knife. It's almost as if you guys are looking for the wrong thing. It's almost as if my name is not the answer to this riddle.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

Hey Riddle World doesn't have a K in it. No, there's no K in Hey Riddle World. So it's hate fork and ire knife? I-R-E? I-R-E knife.

I was misled.

Okay. Oh, Ms. Led. Ooh, that's a good one. Let me, sorry, I gotta make a note.

Ms.

Led. That's my chemistry teacher. Uh, yes, Ms. Led.

All of your characters are fucked if they get married.

Well, if they save themselves. Well, you have to tell me what the phrase is again?

What's that?

You have to tell me what the phrase is again?

Iron knife.

That's the whole thing?

Yeah. Oh, it's just iron knife. I-R-E, knife. Oh boy, iron knife.

Fire.

Casey is losing his fucking mind in there. Erin Keif. Yeah, Erin Keif. Keif.

Yes. You guys have embarrassed.

Erin does look, I have to say, Erin does look very embarrassed.

You guys, I'm genuinely embarrassed.

Here's a thing, Casey, how quickly did you get the answer to that?

Spray, spray, spray, spray, spray.

I thought it was you the whole time. That's why, okay, can you read it again?

What's funny is the minute, the minute for I, a fair lad, the minute I like wrote it down, looked at it, I was like, that's my name.

I was looking at the very few letters that go into my name going, this is nothing.

You're overdone jokes cause me strife. If I hear just a single, my wife, I'll fly into a rage and shred up this page with my hate fork and my iron knife. Are you guys ready for number three? I think you're gonna get this one.

Let's try and guess what it is. It's gonna be like black snake moan or something.

Dogs own like a hawk while I watch... Oh, yeah, shit. No, I rarely give a shit. I often give it while I watch my dogs own like a hawk. You're a dog's own shit. I think so. The anagram here is crap then jock. No, I... John Patrick Coan. It's John Patrick Coan, yeah.

These are amazing.

Thanks, Uncle Milky.

I'm so embarrassed, you guys. I'm embarrassed. Can we cut this out?

Yeah, we'll cut this whole thing out.

I'm embarrassed.

Yeah, we don't want this. Red wedding? Erin, we don't want you to be embarrassed. We'll cut all this stuff out. In case you make that part louder.

That's the second or third time on the show where it's happened, where I've been the answer, and I've had absolutely no idea that it's me. Maybe I'm the answer all along. Do you have one of those diseases?

What are you, a lifetime movie? If you see your own face in the mirror, do you think it's a stranger and start talking to it?

You can see yourself in a mirror?

Like the guy from Captain Crunch.

I thought that was just that.

From Captain Crunch, I'm sorry. Captain Crunch. Captain Crunch. Remember when Captain Crunch dated both Courtney Cox and Jennifer Anderson? The guy from Captain Crunch. So not Captain Crunch.

Cuz that's his whole thing. Kellogg. Just the guy from Captain Crunch. Aren't you the guy from Captain Crunch? Yeah, Captain Crunch. I wanna see a scene.

No, there's a very tired looking woman who lives in my mirror.

Behind every powerful man, there's a very tired, looking woman.

There's an old woman in the way. I can't see my reflection.

Erin, you are Erin Keif. You're very tired. You fell asleep. You're having a dream. You dream about Captain Crunch, played by Japes. And Captain Crunch is giving you a pep talk to have more confidence and recognize the value in your own name.

Oh, that's nice.

Hi, Erin. You're asleep.

I don't think I've ever heard you talk before.

I've never talked.

Wait, don't you have a catchphrase in one of the commercials?

Um, no. Kids say, crunchatize me, Captain, to me, but it's not my catchphrase.

Is that real?

Yeah. Oh, fuck. I guess a catchphrase isn't really a thing that's used on you, it's a thing that you say.

Well what's, like, the Captain Crunch, like, um, tagline?

Like, what's the, like... It's crunchatized me, Captain! Is it? Yeah, it's just me, me getting ordered around.

Cause, like, the Trix Rabbit came yesterday and... What? The Trix Rabbit came in my dream yesterday.

Joe was here?

Yeah.

Did he say anything about me?

And we cut to the Trix Rabbit. Hey! Are you a kid?

Well, Jesus. Tricks are for kids. Yeah.

Can you get me some tricks? I got a fucking score.

Dude, you're addicted. I got a fucking score. Dude, you're addicted. I'm not going to enable you. You're addicted. You're addicted. You're addicted. You need to get help.

Oh, yeah. I'm seeing a therapist.

We're having a meeting. Drugs, they're great. Tony. We'll get sued for that. I carved out a number of logs and I'll help you across all your bogs. You'd lost if we race. Oh, I'm sorry. You'd lost if we raced. You would say, this goon aced you, and that you were all underdogs. Cebola. This goon aced you? The way that it's written is pretty confusing, but... Pad Conley. I've carved out a number of logs, and I'll help you across all your bogs. You'd be lost if we'd raced. You would say, this goon aced you, and that you were all underdogs.

It's not this goon aced you?

It is this goon aced you, but not the you. It's just goon aced. Goon aced.

Goon aced. That's my favorite movie from the 80s. Untitled Goonies. Untitled Goon Aced.

G-O-O-N. Aced is G-O-O-N.

And aced is A-C-E-D. So one of the words has to be dog.

Is it one word or two words?

Two words. Two words. First word is can-i-dug. Can-i-dug. Welcome to Kennedoug.

I'm a Moonty. I have a Kenny G. cover band called Kennedoug. Oh, I got it. Dane Cook. Dane Cook. Dane Cook. Dane Cook.

Wait, does that work?

I have a Dane Cook cover band called Dane Cook. Hi Riddle Riddle. Dog is one of the words.

Dog. Dog.

Dog.

Dog.

Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog.

Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog.

Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog.

Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog.

Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog.

Dog

This one is, I will say, way harder.

This is the hardest one yet. They come out and file and rank, some applaud, while others just thank. Trapped in here, Pete, for leaving his seat, bringing snack and the nastiest drink.

It's actually thank comma trapped in here Pete. Oof, this is a long one. How many words are we talking? Trapped comma. So there's a comma in this word? There is a comma. The comma is part of it.

Thank.

Thank.

Trapped in here Pete. There's six words. And it's thank trapped in here, Pete.

And it's Hey Riddle Riddle theme.

And it's Hey Riddle Riddle theme. Thank trapped in here, Pete. Well, trapped is definitely part of our theme. Let's try, let's try to get you, let's try to get you into the general thing. I'm going to go over the riddle one more time. So it's, they come out and file and rank. Some applaud while others just think. Are you saying thank or think? Thank. T-H-A-N-K. And this is in quotes. I don't think that matters. Trapped in here, Pete, for leaving his seat, bringing snack and the nastiest drink. Fall out, boy. No. Pete once. Trapped in here, Pete, by the way, has nothing to do with anything. It's just the anagram. That's what it seems like. But the rest of the words. Who comes out and file and rank some applaud while others thank? Army? No.

In relation to our show. Some applaud and others thank JP Riddles.

Oh, it's someone who works on the show.

Sandy Weiss.

No, no, no, no. They come out and file and rank. What does that mean? They come out and file. Yeah, rank and file. They come out.

Well, it's rank and file is monster. Actually. The bride of rank and file. Adal and I are having fun. Oh my god, you're a rank and file and you're my neighbor? Oh, I'm not gonna sign your thing. Okay, you're a fucking rank and file.

You would be having a hard time too if you didn't have the answer. I would.

Is this a person? No. Is this a character? Uh-uh. Is this like our audience base? Is it like ridiots?

Audience base, you're there. Is ridiots part of it? They come out and rank and file, some applaud while others just thank. And then there's a part of him that says, for leaving his seat, bringing snack on the nastiest drink.

Audience something?

So it's an audience, but where do we have an audience?

In three cities and that's about it? Yeah, pretty much.

Come to Tulsa.

It's like, no, we can't go to Tulsa because you're the only one who likes us there.

Where do we have an audience online?

IO? World News Tonight. No. In our show, where would our show have an audience? Chicago, online. But like at a theater, in a theater we would be doing a live show. So this is related to live shows. And the answer is thank, trapped in here, Pete, and it's related to live shows. So what are some classic things that happen at our live shows?

Live shows audience suggest audience submitted riddles.

Okay, that's true, but that's not it. This is also a subtle plug for our live shows. Meat and Greet. Meat and Greet, that's also it, but no, it's not this.

Okay, Rob Corddry.

Come on, man.

We do Adal Rifai's $100 giveaways.

We do that sometimes, but that's not what this is. We did that one time and it got lost. That's not what this is.

Hey guys, remember? Was that the episode where we all did a Batman impression? That was such a fucking good scene.

We changed the lyrics to Monster Mash.

We also rewrote the Monster Mash, which was so fucking funny. I'm so sad we lost that show.

Yeah, me too. It was truly a fun experience for those who got to share it. So, okay, I'll say this. Do any one of us do something special at a live show?

Eat a pen. Erin eats a pen. Erin Keif drinks a pen.

You have to drink a pen.

You're not looking at your letters at all. You're on the right track. But she doesn't just drink a pen. Pee out the poison. What do we say that Erin will do at a live show?

So do the paper and then drink the pen, eat the paper?

Eat the paper, drink the pen, Erin gets it right.

Eat the paper, drink the pen, Erin Keif.

Thank you. Milti, the anagram in there, was eat the paper, drink the pen. And the comma was used.

You guys, this must be hard to listen to because I don't know why these are so hard. These are hard to do, you guys.

Well the hard part is that there's no, it's just a jumble of words that don't make a ton of sense and then we have to locate the most odd words and from there find something meaningful.

I've always been really bad at anagrams too. My brain can't like do it fast enough.

Okay. Oh, wasn't your dad famously killed by an anagram?

Yeah. My whole family was killed by anagrams. All right. Ready?

That's bad luck after your dad. I love how Erin says ready. Like she's got the next thing.

She pulled up her phone too. There once was a Riddle show.

My dad was killed by a candy gram. Yes, that is very true. We're going to go back now to some of Pad's. So Pad, I think, has a few more. Yeah, a few more that we didn't get to the last time we did Pad's. So those are kind of a warm up.

And you can see Pad at the I.O. Theatre at World News tonight. He's the one who brings us snacks backstage. It says really funny, smart things on stage.

He doesn't bring us snacks as much as he just brings snacks for everyone.

Well, us, the collective World News us.

Saturday he brought a bunch of snacks and Erin took a bag of snacks and goes, Pad, You're a king among men.

I did not. I did go, thank you so much.

Okay.

I'm not going to give you, remember pads have a hint, which is the title that I'm not going to give you at first. A giver of passion and richly rewarded. Bakers and princes and stories most sorted. Founded good company and fairy tale schmaltz. If you know the answer, you may hear a waltz. Fairy tale schmaltz. No. Stories of terror and law men who died singing songs with their killers who stand side by side. Something familiar, painted, and pointulism. Something particular about the Penn's hedonism. Penn's hedonism. Yes, correct. It is Penn's hedonism. The Penn's hedonism. Bingo bingo hatata.

This is not Hey Riddle Riddle related.

It is not Hey Riddle Riddle related. There are also some good, there are also three clues Hidden inside of this riddle?

Well, sure, because it's eight fucking pages long.

Yeah, it's eight pages long. That will help you find the answer to the riddle.

Mrs. Doubtfire. Miss... Missed November.

Missed Doubtfire.

Missed Doubtfire. Okay, I'll give it to you again. Ready? Okay. A giver of passion and richly rewarded. Bakers and princes in stories most sordid. Found in good company and fairytale schmaltz. If you know the answer, you may hear a waltz. Stories of terror and lawmen who died, singing songs with their killers who stand side by side. Something familiar, painted in pointulism, something peculiar, about the Penn's hedonism.

How many words is it?

Now hold on, Erin Keif. Let's have a side conversation.

Ooh, I love a side conversation.

What did our therapist say to you when J.B.C. starts giving way too hard of riddles?

Tell Adal you love him.

Oh boy. My boys.

My boys. My boys. I heard some key words, Erin, that I know because of our road trip together where we listen to assassins. Now it said something about killing through the ages and they stand side by side and sing a song. I also heard the word company, which is another play written by Mr. Steven Sondheim.

Oh yeah, the pointillism.

So Steven Sondheim, I believe, is the answer. Yes, it is Steven Sondheim.

Wow. That was very good. The other one that's in there is Passion. Does he have something called Passion? Yes. Is that a musical?

Wait, can you read it again? Yes.

And the title of this one is called, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To This Riddle. Oh, I would have gotten a riddle. I was like, that one I think you'll get. A giver of passion and richly rewarded, bakers and princes and stories most sordid.

Into the woods.

Found in good company and fairy tale schmaltz. If you know the answer, you may hear a waltz. Stories of terror and lawmen who died. What's that?

Um, uh, is it an assassin?

I don't know. Uh, singing songs with their killers who stand side by side.

Oh, Tara and Laman that died, maybe, uh, Sweeney Todd.

Oh, okay. Um, something familiar, painted in pointulism, something peculiar about the Penns-Hedonism.

Something familiar is the beginning of a funny thing happened on the way to the forum and then it goes into Sunday in the park with George.

Can I say something? I've slept the last five or six.

That was really good.

Erin, I want to see a scene. OK. Erin, it's opening night of the new production of Assassins. It's coming to Broadway, literally, right? It's a real thing.

I think it's going off Broadway, but yeah, whatever. Somewhere in New York.

Let's not pick that fight. But you're a Sondheim fan. Japes is playing a friend who's joining you. And he is pretending he has seen all Sondheim, but he's seen none. But he's trying to fool you.

Are we in the show together? We're about to go see it. We're about to go see it.

You're in the seats. There's 10 minutes till the show starts and you're both amped but he's lied to you. He's never seen a single Sondheim show.

Oh my gosh.

Here we are again. I'm so excited.

I can't wait.

Which character do you think? It's almost sound time for Sondheim. I'm so excited.

Who, what character are you most excited to like, what portrayal, like, which, what's your favorite? In Assassins?

Yeah. It's not my favorite, Sondheim. So, you know, I love protagonists and I love antagonists. This one doesn't do it for me, but I'm excited to be here with you because I love you. What do you, what's your favorite one then? My favorite, Sondheim?

Yeah, musical.

Oh well, we're going to narrow it down to just his musicals.

Yeah. And one that he did the music and the lyrics, not just like West Side Story.

Oh, so the book as well?

No, just like he sometimes just did the lyrics.

Sometimes he'll do the lyrics, but we're not talking about the book.

Yeah, well sometimes he does the book as well.

But you know what the book is in musicals, right?

Yeah.

Okay.

Are you trying to...

The show will start in 10 minutes. Now's the time where we do some audience interaction. C47C, you have been chosen. Oh, yay. Yes. It's sound time. If you can sing any soundheim song for eight lines. And you say soundheim too, huh? For eight lines, you will win you and a guest, a trip backstage, and $1 million.

Okay, it's not eight lines, it's 16 bars. This guy probably doesn't do it with soundheim. You call the song and I'll sing it. I'll do anything in this library.

Just a reminder, I'm a pre-recording.

I don't know that one, just remember.

Just pick your favorite one. Do one from Sweeney Todd.

I'll sing one from the Demon Barber of Fleet Street. You know that. Okay, one from Sweeney Todd. Choppy, choppy, choppy, choppy, choppy, choppy, choppy, choppy. Oh, my haircut tonight. I'm gonna get my revenge on the poor. I'm going to chop, chop, chop to my little blind tickle, tickle, tickle down the street, street, street. Master of the house, son of of the hive, shopping in the head until they bleed too tight. Congratulations.

You have won one million dollars.

That's a pre-recorded message. Is what I would say.

Well, now all I want to do is listen to YouTube make up songs from musicals that already exist. That's exactly how it sounds.

Yeah, in Sweeney Todd he tries to get his revenge on the poor. Speaking of musicals, we're going to take a quick intermission. I was going to say speaking of getting our revenge on the poor.

We're going to take a quick intermission.

Going to take a quick intermission and we'll be right back with act two of our musical production. And let's take him out with a little Sweeney Todd.

Chippy, chippy, choppy, choppy, choppy. I love my hair, my demon hair.

Don't forget the throat slash.

Blood, blood, blood with pastries.

Hey, the three of us are marking ourselves safe. Chop, chop, chop in the deep in the Flint Street.

There's a lot that's funny about that.

We took a longer break and Adal forgot what we had done.

Also the voice that you've chosen, assuming that someone who sounds like that would be in a very scary musical. Chop, chop, chop. There goes a Jane and a Fleet Street.

There's a thing with musical improv, and Adal probably knows this and Erin probably fucking doesn't.

We love that attitude.

With musical improv, if you're a very good singer, what you should do is you should sing very well and then try to rhyme things. And if you're not a very strong singer, what you have to do is pick a weird character and then just try to musically improvise us that weird character. 100%.

Can you give me an example?

Yeah, so if I were to sing Sweeney Todd and didn't know the words, I would say, chop, chop, chop on the demon to Flint Street. Because I can't sing, so it makes more sense that way.

Wait, can we, like you, Adal, pick an adjective and then I'll pick like a profession or like a specific kind of like being or person. Oh, like horny plumber? Yeah, like something like that. And then, well yeah, okay, horny plumber. And then you try to like show us how you do musical improv.

Wait, he's too ready for this.

Wait a minute, he's getting out of script.

We're just reading his t-shirt. My Christopher Plummer impression is finally ready.

Yeah, let's do one for everyone.

Okay, so I have to do a song as a horny plumber. Yeah. Oh, I'm fixing the pipes, but my pipes are bursting. Cause I got cum and you're probably thirsting. Jesus. I got a plunger and it's in my truck. But here I got a weaver and he's ready to fuck. Yay! And you said you got a weaver? I got a weiner.

JPC, would you like to give Adal his adjective and I'll do that professionally?

Yes. Your adjective is going to be pissed off. Great. You weren't thinking of one? No.

I was going to wait till I hear what you said. Okay. Marine biologist.

You have to do a little improvise song as a pissed off marine biologist.

Listen everyone, I got something to say. The devil of the ocean is the fucking stingray. Well it killed my friend, Steve Irwin. Now I'm irked off and I'm gonna win. Gonna kill the mantas, gonna kill the stings. Gonna cut off their flappy little fleshy side wings. Gonna take their tails, shove it into their butts. Fuck the stingrays, I just busted a nut.

I cannot believe that those are the same character. Turns out the Venn diagram of Horny Plummer and pissed off marine biologist is a circle.

And for Erin the adjective is tired. And I will say my noun is sleepy.

A tired sleepy?

You're a tired sleepy.

That's the whole thing. Should've given me a better one.

And I'm watching the show and I say, she's got the worst voice. Erin, you're a hungry?

Hungry hippo.

Here we go. Quick disclaimer, I famously cannot rhyme.

You're the one who started this game. Quick disclaimer, like no one fucking doesn't know that at this point.

I'm a cute hippo and I'm walking on my feet just a quick morning. I'm ready to eat. I'm not the real kind of hippo you see. I'm from the board game. Yippee! I like to eat butterflies. Is that what they eat? What do the hippos eat? Shaking their heads at me. I'm horny for the hippos and I'm horny for the food and I'm horny cause I'm a plumber who's also a marine biologist.

Quick disclaimer, if you see a hippo in the wild, do not assume it eats butterflies, it will kill you.

Wait, what was hungry hungry hippos? Little white pellets. What's the butterfly thing I'm thinking of?

Crossfire.

Was it like an elephant that spit out butterflies?

I don't know.

Fuck. Okay. Nevermind. Someone will tweet at me. There's always someone out there who had the exact same childhood as you who's going to tweet at me.

My favorite part about when Erin is rhyming is how desperate her eyes look and how she looks to us for help.

Where it's like, how could we help you? Well, for the first chunk, she stared like 45 degrees down. Hi Riddle. Wanting to sing more even though she's bad at it. I know. Please do not tweet at us.

She's only bad at rhyming. She's good at singing. Just don't worry about the rhyming.

But in the past people have tweeted us and be like, leave Erin alone. Leave Erin alone. You are a suspicious maid.

Well now I gotta do a big character for this. I don't want to sing nice.

Don't make me sing, please.

Right you here and I'm waking you up. I found blood in your little cup. I think you killed your wife with a big old knife and I'll prove it. But I'm waiting for her to prove it so I'm gonna have to walk a hundred miles to the nearest police officer and tell him what happened and I'll walk on back. You should just talk up cash man.

What's funny about Erin is she has a beautiful singing voice. Every time we want her to sing, we're like, Erin sing a song and she's like, I'll know, I'll be a little troll. We're like, no, just use your beautiful voice.

Also, I found blood in this cup. You were a suspicious urologist.

It's a diva cup.

Okay. Okay. Back to these riddles. We've had enough fun. And although remember there was one episode maybe 20 episodes ago, we did it was like Erin's animal corner where I'd say an animal and then you do an impression of it or say a fact about it. Do you remember that? Yeah, I do remember that. It was like a rapid fire thing. Can we do two real quick?

Yeah, I don't remember what it was, was it facts or?

It was rapid facts about animals.

So I think I said like pig and you're like, oink oink, I'm super smart, don't eat me. I'm super smart, but people still eat me. So you talked as the animal, but you gave a fact to it.

Oh, I love it. Okay.

We're gonna do two real quick. Ready? Elephant.

Ooh, I eat butterflies sometimes through my trunk. Slug.

Oh, I eat salt when I'm having a bad day.

Sorry, one more. Man.

I am JPC. I like to balance my checkbook.

I told JPC if I ever get rich, I'm gonna buy his apartment and be his landlord. That's my number one goal of my life.

And then we decided if we all get rich, we're gonna buy each other's apartments and be each other's landlords.

And now it's your turn to vote on who would be the best landlord of the three of us. Is it Adal who would apologize a bunch for things that weren't his fault? Is it JPC who would scare the shit out of you? But show up to your party still? Or is it Erin who won't know how to fix anything?

Who would forget that you lived there? No, correction. None of us would be able to fix anything. If the slightest thing goes wrong in my apartment, I'm dead. We can't even fix this podcast. And it's been broken for years. And we haven't tried. Okay, ready? My last puzzles were hard and caused so much pain, so I thought I'd take this one out of the vein. You should get this easily, but here in the middle, you can still find a clue to get by in the riddle. This name is found deep inside of you. The answer might hit you right out of the blue. Often named on this show, once heard in your car, find Ursa Major right behind a red star. There's so many clues to get you on track. If you can't see the answer, just take a step back.

Is this an anagram?

It's an anagram. This one's good. I love this one. This is actually maybe my favorite one that Pat has done.

What a dense word for us we just walked through. It's literally full of clues.

Okay, start over then.

And wasn't he famously fired from his job for writing these?

Yes. My last puzzles were hard and caused so much pain, so I thought I'd take this one out of the vein. You should get this easily, but here in the middle, you can still find a clue to get by in the riddle. This is a name found deep inside of you. The answer might hit you right out of the blue. Often named on this show, once heard in your car, find Ursa Major right behind a red star. There's so many clues to get you on track. If you can't see the answer, just take a step back. John Travolta. Sandy?

Sandy? No, it's not John Travolta.

Is it like blood or heart or?

Is it blood or heart?

No, but it's something like, is it something based on this show?

Um, there, it says often named on this show.

So what do we talk about in this show?

Uh, I don't know how often, but it's, it's come up.

Okay. Is it a person? No. Cause it says, said it's a name that's deep inside of you. Yes. But is it a name that's deep inside of us? Uh, yeah, that's a good clue I'd say.

So is it something that is inside of us?

Blood. Heart. Is it one of those two? Um, no.

Sandy?

No. Is the Ursula? I do not know. Check the yellow pages. I'm out here rockin' and rollin'. The wickedly talented. Nobody's drugs are bigger than the nuts.

I've seen you both get bored with a lot of things, but you both have never been bored of doing that.

You know, pink slips, ownership papers. I've seen grease more than any other.

They're racing them down a thunder road.

Is the Ursula Major line, is that, I forget the rest of it, is that the anagram part? No.

Whoa.

Whoa. Um.

Oh fuck.

I don't know. Oh shit.

Hey Pad. Hey Pad. Can you come here for a second? Hey Pad. Hey buddy. Hey buddy.

Don't Pad they're gonna slap you.

Hey Pad.

They're getting the big slapsticks ready.

Hey Pad. It's so good to see you. What the fuck man? These are too hard.

No, this one's not hard. It's really good.

You would have gotten it.

I would have, yes. There's nothing that's glaring that's clearly the anagram to me.

Yeah, so the anagram is more cleverly hidden in here, but there are a ton of clues.

What's the title?

Oh, do you guys want the title?

I would like the title.

The title is, I would understand if this is too easy.

I would understand if this is too easy.

Podcast.

Are you guessing the anagram? Okay, here. I will give you the anagram is in the first four lines. Okay. Okay. My last puzzles were hard and caused so much pain. So I thought I'd take this one out of the vein. You should get this.

Out of the vein?

Nope. You should get this easily, but here in the middle, you can still find a clue to get by in the riddle. Get out of my vein.

The middle line?

No.

The first line. The last line.

Yes.

Oh my God.

What was the last line? You can still find a clue to get by in the riddle. That whole thing's an anagram? No. Only part of it.

By in the riddle.

By in the riddle. By in the riddle. And is that B-Y-I-N-T-H-E-R-I-D-D-L-E.

Bar in the riddle. Farmer in the dill.

How many words is it?

It is three words. And there are one, two, three, four, five hints hidden inside of the riddle.

Five hits. Tiny? Is tiny one of them?

I guess there's another one in the title, too.

Is tiny one of the words? No. Okay. Is dirty one of them? No. Is Riddle one of them? No. Okay.

By and the Riddle is the anagram, but it's not one of them. Is Hay one of them?

No. Okay.

Wait, wait. What are you guessing right now?

I don't know. Just words.

All right, here's another clue. Draw. Those clues to obscure? Then I want something else to get me through this riddle.

I want something else to get, Elsaba. Hints. Hints. No. I want something else. Yes. Oh boy. I want something else. I want something, semi-charmed kind of life, third eye blind.

Is it third eye blind? Yes, the answer is third eye blind. No way. I would understand if this is too easy. I would understand.

I wish you would step back from that ledger. If you can't see the answer, just take a step back. Wait, I have something fun. I wish you would step back from that ledger. My wife.

I can't believe I waited for that. The clues in here were out of the vein, deep inside of you. Blue, Ursa Major, and Red Star. That was amazing. Are those all third eye blind songs? Blue is an album, Ursa Major is an album. Deep inside of you and out of the vein are both songs. Blue is Eiffel 65. Thank you.

Our dear listeners, we know it must be frustrating to hear how long these are taking us, but they must be loving hearing these. These are hard.

We got another one.

Ready?

This is from Pad. This is from Pad. A board or a cloud quite firm or quite lax. Just taking its quiz is a step to relax. For one or two, For four or one, or for two, maybe more, but not less. It keeps snoring tame, helps exile stress. Whatever you choose, it will lighten your load, and it even comes with our own discount code.

Helix sleep mattress.

Correct. Nice one, Erin.

It is Helix.

And that is a great pivot.

It is Helix sleep mattress. No, it's not a pivot. We don't have that.

Adal, you got that too, right?

I assumed it was something to do with one of our advertisers with beds, Helix, but I didn't know I wasn't thinking mattress.

We got one more. Park, her fridge is empty. Low, her shelf is bare. Behold, the pantry's dusty. Erin's microwave. Alas, there's food nowhere. And yet the table's covered. Her plate is always filled. Hello Fresh. A meal that's eaten quickly, which she herself did build. Yes, Adal, the answer is Hello Fresh.

Where's the anagram in it?

The anagram for that one is low, her shelf. And the one for Helix Sleep was Tame. Helps exile stress.

I cannot believe how good these are. These are so, so smart.

I love that he made two riddles for our sponsors. We should have used those as riddles in ad copy.

You know what? Everybody just pretend that this didn't happen.

Yeah, like Into the Woods. They're not going to buy the couch or get the milk for free. Is that another John Travolta line? The same?

Controversial? I don't really like Into the Woods. Come at me, 18-year-old theater kid. Let's do this. I'll fight you in the streets.

I play Jack in Into the Woods.

I wish. I like the Cinderella song in it.

Is Into the Woods the one where that guy dies? He goes into the woods and dies. Where you can see the dwarf hanging himself in the background. What? Oh, that's Cinderella. Yeah. We all know that. What else we got? There's some freaky shit mixed up over there.

What else we got?

What else we got? Okay, okay.

Come on Barbie, let's go party.

Ah, ah, ah, yeah.

Come on Barbie, let's go party.

What's up? There's a horny plumber.

Okay, this is a riddle. I gotta drain my snake. This is a riddle from Ethan. Hawk? Yes. He said, hey, I'm Ethan Hawk. I was in training day. So cool.

So cool.

Please don't say my last name on the podcast. Oh, oops. I'm Ethan Hawk. Before sunrise, et cetera. Okay. Ethan writes in this riddle. Consider the following series. 6, 16, 41, Kennedy 191. All assassinated. All assassinated.

1.

That's right Adal, go ahead and tell us how 1, 6, 16, 41, 191 were assassinated. 781. Wait, can you just read them one, six? One, six, sixteen, forty-one, Kennedy, 191. It's like lost. So these are all expressways. Okay.

Yeah.

Can the expressway, highway one... I would say that is a great guess. Is it 41? Was that Jackie Robinson's number? Does that have anything to do with it? I will say that I don't know and it doesn't matter.

Historically speaking, it doesn't matter.

No, those are great guesses, but those are not the answers. Ooh, well one time I tried to do a 180 and I ended up doing a 191. Is that part of it? Hell yeah, my dude. You skate rad. Well, we have to assume that this is Ethan Soupley. Ethan Soupley was famously in American history. X is the Roman numeral for 10. 10 is enough. 10 is anyone? It's like I can't even get a chord unless it's holiday weekend. Oh my god. James, to solve this, do we have to write out the words? Or do the numbers suffice? Like would I have to write out O-N-E for one? No, no, no. It's just the numbers. Yes, the numbers.

1641 Kennedy.

You said the highway is this close.

No, I said highways is a good guess, but it's not close. It is a very interesting answer. Is it something to do with currency?

I'm a very fascinating player. Adal, you are on the right track, yes. So there's a Kennedy half dollar. Are these like years? 191. So the following series, 1, 6, 16, 41, Kennedy, 191, and the question is, what number takes the place of Kennedy? 50.

For 50 cents?

Or was it a Kennedy dollar?

I thought it was half dollar. So it's not 50, so there's a number that takes the place of Kennedy in this sequence. It was a year that they minted that maybe, no? No. So, I'll give you this. Kennedy is a nickname for a number. Each one of these numbers has a similar nickname. For instance, 191.

Oh, this is the number that they were president. So 191 would be like a fucking robot with a cowboy hat.

So yeah, and use female robot with a cowboy hat.

I love that robot's not good enough. I'm like a robot supersedes gender.

No, I'm serious. If we don't have a female president, I'm going to break someone.

Erin, can that be your young adult series, which is female robot with a cowboy hat?

Yeah, of course.

Female robot with a cowboy hat.

Will she find love? Who cares? She has work to do. This is not a romance book. It's a book about following your robot dreams.

So that's a no. So, as I was saying, in this instance, 191, the nickname would be Sacajawea.

Sacajawea, which is a dollar, a golden dollar, that was released in like 2000 or something. So how does 191, how do you get Sacajawea from that? Now, is it something where it's like the black market value? So 191 would be like $1.91 and that's how much it sells at like a coin collector shop or eBay.

Yes, you're on the right track with value, but it's not about how much it would sell for at like a- How many ounces of- Coin collector's shop.

I don't know.

I don't know. It is more- Well, um- Oh, is this- 191. Is this- I could give you more nicknames, but it would probably give it away. And our friend Ethan does give us more nicknames. Let's do it. So is Mercury one of them? No, which nickname do you want? One, six, 16, or 41. Let's do 16.

Can I guess real quick? Is one Lincoln? Yes. So one is Lincoln. Six is going to be Washington? No, six is not Washington. Six is, oh boy.

What would six be? Adams. It's not Adams.

Franklin. These people have been assassinated?

No. Lincoln.

Second Julia got us bad. Oh, sorry, I forgot about that.

Why is one Lincoln? Because the penny. Because the penny, correct. So, what would six be?

Six would be the nickel.

Okay.

Plus the penny. Who's on the nickel? On the nickel. Oh, it's on the nickel. Oh boy. I want to say, I want to say Herbert Hoover. No. No. I want to say a female robot with a cowboy hat. No. Who is on the nickel? John Adams? No.

Thomas. Nope. Thomas Jefferson?

Yeah! What I miss himself.

So Jefferson is... On the dime, so you're just adding the last value, I see. I see what's going on. So on the dime is Teddy Roosevelt. So that's 16. On the quarter is George Washington.

Uh-huh. So George Washington is 41. 50 cent pieces Kennedy. And so Kennedy is? Kennedy's 50 percent.

50 percent. That's what I just said.

No, but... Oh, I'm sorry.

You're right. So it would be 91. 91, yes. And then one 91 would be Washington.

Would be Sacagawea. Seconded would be a dollar. The sequence is equal to the number of cents you have when collecting one of each coin in order value. I.e. you start with the penny, Lincoln, and then you have one cent, and blah blah blah, you guys got it.

This is a really good one. Ethan, what did our therapist say to do when Adal and JPC get too crazy?

Joel, can I talk to you over here? Can I just say I know that you're the driving force behind the Coen brothers. Ethan doesn't really fall this weight. Big Lebowski was your baby and we all know that.

An actual hawk. Can I see you over here?

Caw.

Hawks don't caw.

Caw? Hawks don't caw? Come on. What do they do? Screech?

Hey Dustin.

Dustin Douglas. All right, let's do another one. So Ethan says, shout out to my friend Tavi, I hope it's Tavi, who I introduced to the show a few months ago and proceed to alienate from all of our shared friends when the two of us wouldn't stop discussing riddles and poodles for several weeks straight. So shout out, Boston Tavi, I guess. Oh, hello. We assume that Boston Tavi is from Boston. If not, That's what a sucky nickname to have for someone who's not from Boston. Okay. We have time for one more and I want to give this one to you. This one is, I would say that this is hard. This is from Molly. Motherless. Fatherless. Born without a skin.

Orphan.

Outside. Inside out orphan. Once, when I came into this world, but never spoke again. What am I? A shy baby. A shy baby.

Uh, is this like Baby Shoes Never Worn for sale? Is this like the saddest story ever told? Baby shoes never worn for sale. Cheap! This thing.

Are you being the horny plumber again?

It would be funny if this is like here's the saddest story ever told. Baby shoes for sale never worn. And then it's like dot dot dot. My kid's feet are so fucking big. We didn't realize how big these kids' feet were gonna be.

Motherless, fatherless, born without a skin. I spoke once when I came into the world, but I never spoke again.

So... What am I? Motherless and fatherless.

You're not an animal.

You're like a fruit. No.

You're like a plant.

Born without a skin. No. Not a plant, not a fruit. Not a plant, not a fruit. Mineral. Nope. Vegetable. No. Uh, actor? A song. It's an actor, yes. Motherless father. What?

Is this like a star? Only actor without skin. No, it's not a star. It's not a song. That's good. I like song. That's a good guess.

He's a fruit man. I spoke once. He tried to sell you peaches, but they just would not do. He's a fruit man. He's got a fruit stand.

All these horny plumbers.

So little time. Let the children boogie.

What is motherless and fatherless? Motherless, fatherless, born without a skin. I spoke up to when I came into the warmth and nam. Ooh, that's a tight wrap.

What am I? Born without skin. Is this something you eat? No. Cause skin makes me think of like... Like grapes. It's not an animal, it's not a fruit or vegetable. Correct. Is it something organic?

What kind of do you make the noise that they made when they spoke?

I can't, we give it away. Is it organic? Uh, yes. What the f... Is the noise they make?

Thunder.

Bababooey? Lightning. That's our episode! No, not thunder, not lightning.

That's kind of... You're on the right... Hello, that works technically.

Crash, bang. Um, hail snow. I would say thunder would probably work for this. Thunder.

Motherless, fatherless, born without a skin. I spoke once when I came into this world but never spoke again.

No, no. Is it a word? It's a word. But is it a word that we assign it? Because for lightning, like, crash is a word we assign lightning, but it's not the actual... Crash!

Yeah, no, so it's like... That's a song about getting hit by lightning. I think that there's not just one word, one sound that would be associated with this word, but it's a very specific sound that would be associated with this word.

Okay. Fire? Mm-mm. So thunder is close. No, lightning was close.

That concept is close.

It works. So it's weather. It is weather. It's not weather. Okay. No, no, no. It's something that occurs in nature.

I know. Yes. It's organic. It occurs in nature. I would say. It's not weather. It's not weather related. Is it water related? It's not water related, but sometimes moisture could influence this. Is it piss? It's not piss. It pisses pretty close. It's kind of wind and air.

It's more specific than wind and air though. But those are both weather.

It's not weather. It's like yeah, it's like wind and air is close.

Give us a hint.

It's a very specific sound.

Whistle?

It's not a whistle, but you do need like air to whistle. Is skin a big part of it? Skin is part of it. Born without a skin. Born without a skin, but skin adjacent, air... Skin adjacent? That's the least favorite combo words I've ever heard. A balloon would maybe make this sound or a close sound could be made with a balloon. It's not a pop, it's not a whoosh. That's a very close sound. Helium to this.

Fart.

Fart is the answer. Is it really? Yes, it is.

Fuck that.

It's always a fart. Motherless fatherless born without a skin. What is that? This sucks. What's this person's name?

This person's name is, and I kid you not, it's Adal Rifai. Oh no. This person's name is Molly. Molly, I don't care what the haters say, this riddle rules. Molly, can I see you in my office? Thank you so much for your fart, Riddle. Adal, I know that you're upset about that, but do you want to unwind and maybe plug something? Do you want to plug something real quick?

Yes, I do. I had something to plug here. Let me pull it up. I wanted to plug, this is something that JPC actually got me. No way. I want to plug the Big Juice Up 04 pins. Japis gave me a box of these for Christmas and I have been using them non-stop. Good pin. One of my new favorite pins. They might be like Japanese. They're Japanese, yeah. Because there's Japanese writing on it. Oh, I'm sorry, it's by Pilot, not by Big. So the Pilot Juice Up 04, if you're a fucking pinhead like me, check this out. Do you have bowling? We call each other barkers. Clive Barker's. So check out those pins and then also the other thing I was gonna recommend is if you're ever in Portland stop by the Doug Fur which is a restaurant slash bar that Magic Tavern went to. We were in Portland for about 24 hours. We went to the Doug Fur four times in 24 hours. That's how awesome it is. So check it out.

I would like to go ahead and plug oat milk. If you've never had milk made from oats, boy oh boy, are you going to love oat milk.

Erin, anything to prove?

Um, uh, call me Erin Keif 10 on Instagram because I need a favor. If you live in Chicago and you have a physical therapist or a chiropractor that you really, really like, will you message me and let me know what their deal is? Nothing too crazy expensive. Let's be reasonable. Thank you so much for your help in advance.

And you said a pyromaniac you need?

I hope I said pyromaniac, right?

Oh yeah, in case we won't edit this back, so let's just make sure she said pyromaniac.

Yeah, I said pyromaniac. I'll just assume.

Yeah, and a place that you wouldn't think, but that's been on fire since it was born, and to be fair it was born skinless, motherless, and fatherless, is... My vagina.

Stupider. Bye. Oh no. Bye forever.

Bye vagina.

Sorry.

Your vagina is skinless?

Whatever. And John Patrick Coan. That was a hate gun podcast.