This is a HeadGum podcast. Welcome to your last visit to Riddle City. All good stories come to an end. Some exceptions to this are The Fast and the Furious and Swanlumps. Here's the rehash rundown summation of everything you missed. But if I were you, I'd go back and listen to the first two episodes. At the top of the story, Brickstoneheart, a brooding PI with a curious past that sounds like this. I can't find my pants. God damn it. And Mickey Rourke, an ex-boxer who's assisting Brick to help make ends meet, who sounds like this.
These aren't my pants, but I sure do love what I found in the pockets.
I've been sent on a fool's errand to solve the disappearance of Marky DeMark. The gentleman found Marky, but before he could tell them the things he saw that he ought not to have seen, he got murdered. And in case you do like that... His sister Madeline... Oh wait, put it there. His sister Madeline, Brick's old flame, who hired them in the first place was seen in the getaway car right after the murder.
Both of them were goldfish.
It was the cabin of an airplane. She stabbed him with an icicle and a horse was named Friday.
The gentlemen took the train back to Riddle City and chatted to each other as they enjoyed eggs and bacon and coffee, and eggs and bacon and coffee.
Man oh man, drinking coffee on a train is one difficult feat.
Yes, speaking of difficult feet, I can't seem to put my shoes on properly. That's probably because I can't find my pants. I had a pocket full of parker posies.
Parker Posey's, well I just smoked a pack of Parker Posey's as we were leaving. Uh, you know what, Brick, I got your pants! You got my pants full of Parker, Parker, Parker Posey? Well, not anymore. I smoked that pack of Parker Posey's and picked a pack of Parker's and put them in the bares.
Well, old friend, the mystery boys have done it again. Like when I lost a combination to my luggage, case closed. We solved it. Brick, we didn't solve anything.
My man got murdered and a woman got away.
Well, that's what happened. She got away. We'll never catch her, but we know she did it.
Yeah, the mystery's not catching them. The mystery is solving where they... what happened and what become of them? Yes, exactly. Sure. That's the police's job to catch the criminals.
It appears there's been some alcohol put in their coffee. Brick and Mickey made their way to the police station, dodging and weaving their way through the crowded streets.
You want to fight me, you little punk? Bam! Bam!
You go down. Let me take my Dodge Durango and run over you. Dodge, dodge.
Outside of the police station, Brick hesitated. If you remember, Brick was the best cop Riddle City has ever seen before he had to retire the force in disgrace and move over to the private sector. The station was filled with cops killing time, almost as if crime didn't exist anymore. No one seemed busy.
Look at all these cops killing time. Whereas I, when I was a cop, used to take time in, ask it questions, make sure it was guilty, then I'd kill it.
Yeah, you followed the procedures in the laws, Brick, and that's why you were a good cop. One of the best.
The two men made their way to an office that said Chief of Police, Drake Doyle, on the door. They knocked.
Drake Doyle? Here we go. Knocky-knock-knock.
Come in! I'm behind the door!
Well, I can't open the door. Can't open the door if you're behind it. Why don't you go sit down and then I can open it.
Oh, you smashed through my door. Prick and Mickey. Hey fellas, I didn't expect to see you two here. Oh boy, I am surprised to see you. It's not easy to see your ex-doll's new husband, which is me. I'm her new husband. I'm with Madeline now. You must be so sad. Y'all want cupcakes?
Wait a minute, you're John Philip Scuba? No. No, that's the mayor of town.
I'm the chief of police, Madeline's new husband.
Drake Doyle. Drake Doyle, motherfuck. Well, this sucks to see and sucks to hear.
Oh, I'd love a cupcake. Why don't you take a fuck break and go fuck yourself?
You're being a little rude when you stole my Madeline. Like a thief in the night.
I don't even know how I got her.
Technically, since he's here, not with her, he's on a fuck break.
Do you guys mind if I play with my ball of yarn while I talk to you?
Boy, this guy's a little catty. Listen, Doyle, I came here to do something important now. I'm trying to figure out what's going on with my former lover.
Oh, Madeline? I have to solve for X. Yeah, well, we just got word that Markie died. Did you guys hear about that?
No, we were nowhere near it.
Pretty sad. I liked that guy. He was one of the only people who didn't call me the dumbest man they've ever known.
Huh. Blood out in quandary, you say? What? That's a shame to hear.
Yeah, he's dead. Very specific. That's so sad. Oh man.
And two days? That's a hot, diggity damn shame. Mm-hmm.
I mean, I'll tell you guys what I know, but you got to answer Riddle first.
Wait, do either of you have a flashlight on you? Because I'll chase that around the room. Like, look, I can catch it. I can.
Okay, you chased this flash through the other room. Ow! You caught it.
You caught it with your noggin.
I meant the light, but... Anyways, here's your riddle. Are you guys ready?
Hey Mickey. Mickey, come over here for a second. Okay. Is it just me or is this guy a few grapes short of a bundle? I've never had a grape. Sorry, is he a few chalkboards short of a principal? I was never very good at school. Is he a few orgasms short of a- My finger's stuck in my mouth.
My finger's stuck in my mouth. Can you guys help me get it out?
I'll give it to you straight. This guy's as dumb as a box of blocks. That's what I've been trying to say.
My finger's stuck in my mouth.
Here, why don't you try pulling it out?
That's not your mouth. It's my elbow. That's not your mouth.
My elbow's stuck in my butt.
Okay, thanks for your help.
Are you ready for the riddle?
We were born ready. Born ready? We're the mystery boys.
You remember in Riddle City you have to answer someone's riddle before they give you information.
Just go back and listen to the other episodes. Why does everyone keep telling us that? We know. We live here.
Jack is placed in a cell with a dirt floor and only one window positioned so high no one can reach it. The cell is empty except for a shovel. It's dry and hot in there, but Jack won't get any food or drink anytime soon. He has only two days to break out of the jail. If he... if not, he'll die. Digging a tunnel is not an option because it'll take more than two days. How should Jack escape the cell?
Of course, I know the answer. This is a simple solution here. What he does is he puts the shovel stick down with the blade facing upwards.
I'm caught in my sweater.
He slams his neck down on the blade, killing himself and releasing himself from the prison of life.
That's not the answer and I'm caught in my sweater. Can you help me get out?
Damn, that's not your sweater. Your elbow's in your asshole.
Okay, my elbow's in my asshole again.
Here's what you do. You clutch that shovel to your chest. You fake sick. You get a guard to come in. You bash him in the head with that shovel. Then you start getting them to spill all their secrets. Tell them all the dirty little secrets. Then you let them go. You take those secrets and you start a blackmail campaign against that guard. Ooh, you gotta spill those secrets all out of town unless that guard brings you fresh juice. And then finally you'll get to taste a grape.
That's not the answer either, but look, there's a squirrel at my window.
Wait a minute. I thought you said you hadn't heard of grapes. No, I've never tasted a grape. I know all about them, but I don't know where they come from or what they taste like.
What's the answer to the riddle, you guys?
How high up is this window?
Um, kind of high, not too high.
High enough to reach with a shovel?
Well, it's actually, yeah, it's too high to reach with a shovel. I just burped.
Can you use the shovel? Can you jam the shovel into the wall and use it for leverage like an ice pick that you can use to climb up to that window?
That's clever, but not the answer.
Do you use the shovel Well, we're two of the smartest detectives, personally private employed detectives in town. A former boxer is one of them. A current boxer, an amateur boxer, I box amateurs. That's amateur porn stars who want to be boxers.
And once you were boxing Helena, is that right? Yes, and I do get that reference. And I used to be the former chief of police. Now you took my job and you took my wife.
Do you want one more bonus, Riddle?
What happens when you dial 116 into a phone?
116. You get the police upside down.
I love this guy! Is that the real answer?
That's the real answer. Wait, the upside down police, well you don't want to call them, they do things all backwards. They put bullets into their guns.
And they eat donut holes, not donuts.
The upside down police does things all backwards? You know, like putting bullets in their guns. Or they put a badge on you. They handcuff themselves and they read themselves rights. Or lefts. I'm sorry, they read you lefts.
What's a better story? Not Miranda rights, they read themselves carry lefts. I'm less of a Miranda, right? And more of a Carrie Left.
Okay, you guys, I'll tell you what I know. And maybe it's because I'm dumb, but I'll just tell you everything that I know.
You tell us, you son of a bitch, or we'll kill you right here.
Oh, my elbow's stuck in my butt again.
Please, tell us what you know.
You're up to your elbow and asshole.
I'm up to my asshole and elbow.
If you're an upside down police, sure. You're up. That's got to be, I'm going to make you a t-shirt friend because you keep getting stuck in that sweater and the t-shirt's going to say, I'm up to my elbow and asshole.
Look for that in our T-public store, friend.
What's a T-public? Does it matter? Would I go to WW... Oh, never mind.
I helped Madeline frame Coco for Marky's murder so he'd get out of town to protect him. He owed a lot of people a lot of money, and he saw something he wasn't supposed to see down at the docks by the entendre. He saw a shipment coming in, but even worse, he saw who was collecting it. I didn't plan for any of this to happen. I just do what Madeline says. I don't know. I'm dumb. I just do what she says. Maybe go down to the docks and talk to Griff Wilson again?
Sure, when mine's seen our old friend, Griff. Now, I have to say, Chief, that's compared to a box of rocks,
The squirrel's out my window again.
That's not a squirrel. That's an asshole. And your elbows. People leave in it.
As the men walked to the docks, clouds started rolling in.
Why do you think you can narrate? You're an idiot.
Oh shoot. I'm sorry. I'll see you guys later.
Alright, bye bye. Language.
I'm not the narrator. Put down your gun.
Okay, I'll put double its back in again. Scoop, scoop, scoops. And good luck guys. As the men walked down to the docks, clouds started rolling in and a fog settled over them. In the short time since they saw Grip Wilson, a 6'6 man with a scar running the length of his face, he looked like he hadn't slept or had a moment of peace. What do you want?
What do I want? I want you to get a good night's sleep.
Gripp, I can punch you to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep.
Hey, stop hitting me. Stop hitting me like that. You look like one of those plastic boxer games where the punch is going at the same angle every time.
I ever tell you about the time where I wore some plastic boxers?
Oh boy did I chafe. Yeah and Gripp, you look like a fan of white moving out of a house. You have bags under your eyes. Was that good?
No. Thank you for asking if it was good or not. What are you here for?
We are told to come see you. Grip, we know you got information about a shipment hitting these docks and we want to know what was on the shipment and who collected it. And we want to know it right now, Grip.
Find who told you, but you shoot. Okay, fine.
And we know we have to answer a riddle. Don't preface that. We know the rules.
You know it's Riddle City.
We know it's Riddle City. It's where we all live.
So you have to answer a riddle first. That's how I could keep this in line with the podcast that we created.
Forget it. I feel like we're continuously slipping way too close to the line on this one grip. We're fictional characters in a fictionalized world.
Mrs. Smith went to the police claiming that her vintage necklace was missing. When the police arrived they saw no signs of a break-in. Only one window was broken. There was a total mess inside the house and dirty footprints all over the floor. The next day Mrs. Smith was arrested for fraud.
Why? Can I tell you something grip and I don't want you to get pissed off? What? You said there was no signs of a break-in, but there was one broken window. Now maybe I'm the asshole here, but fuck you. Let's get one straight here. Let's get one thing straight here. Fuck you. Mickey, knock him out.
No, I just want to get one thing to be clear here. I'm just trying to clear the air. Fuck you.
All right. Grip, Rick, back off. I haven't gripped so many bricks since I was playing with Diplos. Diplo?
You played with him and Coachella?
It was Coachella. Was he dating MIA?
I just want to make sure everyone understands what's going on here.
Fuck you. No, let's get one thing straight here. Fuck yourself.
Okay, here's a quick, just like, food for thought for you. Fuck you.
Aw, thank you, I was stopping. Now there was a break-in, there was no signs of a break-in.
Did I ever tell you about the time that I fucked you, too? I fucked Bono, the Edge, Adam Clayton, and the other one, all in a tour bus. What's the other one's name? Who knows, but boy oh boy could he... Take your best guess. Could he finger? Oh boy, what's his name? I want to say Lemon Tour. It's that! It can't possibly be. I want to say his name's Beautiful Day or The Unforgettable Fire. By the way, I got an unforgettable fire from Bono. He gave me a venereal disease.
I thought you got an unforgettable fire from wearing those plastic boxers.
Hey, that couldn't have helped. Well, oh wait, I think his name is Streets because he has no name. That's true. Now, can you repeat that, Riddle?
I would love to. This voice isn't drying or painful at all to my body or my vocal cord.
You sound like a regular Tom Waits.
Mrs. Smith went to the police claiming that her vintage necklace was missing. When the police arrived, they saw no sign of a broken. Only one window was broken. There was a total mess inside the house and dirty footprints all over the floor. The next day, Mrs. Smith was arrested for fraud. Why?
Was it that? Ah, boy, let me see if I can try and think through this.
I'm going to have to mold this one up. Larry Bollands Jr., that's it. That's the fourth member of YouTube. Oh, when you said I had to mold this over, I thought you were talking about the wine you were making. How's that spiced wine coming?
I don't know what that means. Now, can I ask you, was the glass on the inside or the outside of the window?
Well, well, well, it seems like you've heard a riddle before.
Now if the glass is on the outside of the window, then it would be that she committed the crime because the robber would break in and make the glass on the inside.
Turns out Mrs. Smith is a pretty bad criminal. The police were sure that Mrs. Smith lied to them because the window was broken from the inside. If it was broken from the outside, little pleat pieces of glass would be on the room's floor.
Pretty Bad Criminal reminds me of the time that I wrote a hit song and Alien Ant Farm scooped it from me. That song! What's that? What was that song? Pretty Bad Criminal. Everybody thinks they wrote the song, but truthfully it was me. How does that song go? Uh, you've been hit by, you've been struck by, uh, pretty, oh, they missed you actually. Uh, Criminal missed ya. They tried to punch ya and they missed ya.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no All right, fine. I'll tell you. I didn't want to get involved with this stuff, but I needed the money. Sure, we all need money. Since you knocked me out of boxing for good with that final punch that gave me a scar on my face. Sometimes punches leave scars. Right?
Right? Sure. Can you think over time that that happened?
Yeah, when I punched that Lion King looking motherfucker.
I mean, I once punched a hippo in its belly and he had to put two band-aids over a scar because it was so atrocious. I once beat the shit out of the red hot chili peppers. And you should have seen them flee. Pat Cox on the socks.
Alright fine, I'll tell you.
Tell us the info. Tell us the info.
We have been taking shipments of... Shits? No, hold on, don't make fun of me. You've been taking shipments? I said the wrong thing, I'm embarrassed.
Adal, peppermints you put in your asshole? Ship, shipments?
Oh, I had a shipment once and I ruined the date.
Oh, don't knock it till you try it. What?
I had a shipment once and I ruined the first date. What happened? My breath smelled like shit.
I did the same thing on a first date once. I put the opposite. I meant up my butt.
Yeah, the date was with you.
We were on that first date together. And I like that you said don't knock it till you try it. It's like my detective saying anytime you approach a door that could be unlocked. Don't knock it until you try it.
All right, ready? We have been taking shipments of puns. And then Casey, please put a sting here when I say puns. We've been taking shipments of... Okay, Kasey, please put a sting of... of Adal, a clip of Adal going, E-O! After I say puns. We have been taking a shipment of puns.
Do you know what Sting's favorite Winnie the Pooh character is?
E-O! We've been taking a shipment of puns. E-O! At the docks and selling them all over town. I'll let the narrator tell you what puns are. So many people in Riddle City are addicted to puns, because puns are a drug. You take it like cocaine and it has the consistency of glitter. The worst of all the side effects is you can't stop making puns. That's where the name comes from. The worst of all the side effects is that you can't stop making puns. That's where the name comes from.
Hey, sorry, I don't want to break the world. Erin, this is Adal talking.
This is not pointed at all to you or... Okay, cool. Back into the world. Casey put a sting in here. The worst of all the side effects is you can't stop making puns. That's where the name comes from. It's also highly addictive and expensive.
Oh, there's a great cost to puns, mostly friendships. And friendships are the hottest ships to sail without a sail. Without a paddle.
You're up Schitt's Creek. Without a paddle. On Netflix. Seasons 1 through 6 streaming now.
How about you follow Scraps to the mayor and try to get her to confess and shut the whole thing down. But until then, I can't help you. I'm just trying to protect myself.
Well, Grip, I want to apologize for earlier when I said, let me give one thing straight, fuck you. I just want to say, I'm sorry. And I know that you're in a lot of debt. So here's a, I don't know, 20 riddle bucks. What, what fucking currency do we use here?
Riddle bucks, some dupes. Yeah, here's some riddle bucks. And Grip, I feel so bad about what I did for you, punching the face scar and then yourself up and knocking you out of boxing that I wanted to, out of solidarity, offer you a new match. Would you like that, Grip? Would you like to have a match again?
Like a match that hasn't been used to light a candle yet?
No, no, no, not that kind of match. Like a tennis match. No, no, a match grip. Your face and my ass.
That's a match for you, you son of a gun.
No, we're doing this now. Right, say round one.
Round one. Punch, punch, punch.
Do it, do it. Round one. Punch, punch, punch, punch.
Punch, punch, split you down the face.
Ah, scar going the other way. Now there's an X on my face.
Oh, and I gotta say that's like a dog playing Simba's uncle. That's a rough scar.
Yeah, I have an X on my face. Sort of like how I had an X on my face last night.
Yeah, it reminds me of the time... You ate out your girlfriend? Your former girlfriend? Right, it reminds me of the time I cheated on my girlfriend. I had an X all over my face. X is gonna give it to you.
I don't know. That was right there. I just had to say it. I'm an X girlfriend. I've never had a girlfriend.
Well, I wish you luck, Gripp. You're not gonna have any luck with a face like that, but... I gotta crush on that simple Sidney.
He's the only one not addicted to puns, he's addicted to cocaine.
You got a real problem. Yeah, you got a real problem. Alright, Gripp, fuck off. We're out of here. I dug over some boxes and shit.
You'll be dead by dawn anyway. Let's hit the road. No, the mystery boys are back on the case. Now let's go find Scraps. Of course, he's usually sitting at the table, even though he has crutches, I believe, or some sort of spider canes that he uses to walk around with. There he is, over there. Scraps!
The cutest little boy in the world with crutches. Get out of the way, little kid. The most disheveled, sad-looking little boy in the world with crutches. Scraps, hobbles up to them and gestures for them to follow him right as the sun starts to set. And this might be a good place for a break.
Well, this is like when my 14-year-old boy comes down to dinner. The sun is starting to set.
Now this is like getting punched right in where your elbow meets your wrist. A good place for a break.
And this is sort of like... You're not going to talk back to my face.
And we're back. Can we put another sting in? Excellent. Hi, Rick. Hi, Mickey. I would love to take you where you need to go, but in Riddle City, you have to... Don't say that.
No, we don't want to fuck you, kid. Don't ever say, I want to take you where you need to go.
Well, you're trying to go to a location where only I know where it is.
Oh, okay. No, no, no. Lots of adult women know where it is too, kid.
We don't need you to take us where... Mickey and I both want to go to Orgasmville, okay? But that's not a place that you should ever take us.
I thought you wanted to go see the mayor.
Well, maya, maya, maya culpa. Maya, maya scuba. Maya, maya scuba.
Yeah, I thought that's where you needed to go, but I know that you probably don't know this, but in Riddle City, you have to answer Riddle before I help you out.
God damn it, Scripps. Of course we know that. And the only mayor I want to see is John, and I want to watch him dick around in the guitar and be a blues hero.
I get confused. For a piece of shit often, so that doesn't hurt my feelings too much.
Scraps, that's a shame to hear. Can I ask you something, champ? What is your home life like? Well... Do you remember home?
Maybe far away or maybe real nearby I lived in a house with raccoons They told me that I should go by The raccoons told you to be bisexual?
Now if the raccoons are telling you to go by, you might be JP Riddle.
We're bisexual raccoons and we want the best for you, little scraps. So go on to a new world of being a homeless child.
I just went back into a memory of my homeless raccoon family.
Oh, are the raccoons the ones that broke your legs?
Did you jump off a roller coaster? Those are the only two options I can assume.
Yeah, I jumped off a roller coaster.
That'll break your legs quick.
It was Orphan Day at the roller coaster. Hold on. Sorry, that's gonna be a dead stop. No, every day is Orphan Day at the roller coaster. I just need to unpack the sentence. It was Orphan Day at the So orphans don't even get their own amusement park or theme park, they just have one roller coaster in town and it's one that celebrates orphan day but you can easily jump off of and hurt yourself.
No, it's just not very safe.
It was a roller coaster actually built in celebration of Orphan Black, a very popular Canadian television show.
Well, the orphans haven't been treated very well. We got hired to, and this is really sad because we're kids, but you know how we mostly do riddles for kids? It's because we've been hired to sell puns all over town and to make sure people get addicted to puns all over town. You've been selling puns? They told me I had to. I haven't taken any. None of the kids have taken any, but- Wait a second, are these crutches you're selling full of puns?
Let me take these crutches and-
I needed them, but also they were filled with puns.
Well, they're gone now. I threw them right into that river.
That's okay, I'll crawl. All right, are you ready for the riddle?
Yes, we are. Scraps, we are.
A lonely man lived in his house in the suburb of a city.
You ain't cut out for the city scraps.
I'm an orphan whose crutches you just threw into the ocean. And you're telling me I'm going to be lonely forever? Come on, man!
Real quick, let's brainstorm some Riddle City suburbs. Let's see. Okay, what do we got to get out of here?
Shut up, shut up. Mokita. Oh, man. We got Mokita. A Skokie? What do we got here? Elk Grove Village? Libertyville? What do we got here? Oak Park? Evanston? What else do we have here?
Are we supposed to be doing Riddle things or are we just listening Chicago ones?
I don't know Chicago, but no suburbs.
You don't know Chicago? 25 or 6 to 4?
Yes. Yes. Wait, for what?
Oh, yes. There's a lonely man.
He lived in a house in the suburb of a city. He never left the house for long. It was a Midsummer Friday.
Wait, isn't he never left the house for long or he never left the house for long?
What? Justin Furlough? American History X?
I feel like your character is just mostly pop culture references that don't exist in this universe.
A lot of what you're saying sounds like Hey, I'm just reading the cue cards motherfucker.
It was a Midsummer Friday when the mailman walked by and called out for the man. There was no answer. The mailman looked into the window and saw him in a pool of blood. When the policeman arrived, he found Tuesday's newspaper, two bottles of warm milk, and one bottle of cold milk outside of the door. The next day, the killer was arrested. How did the police find out who it was so quickly?
Well, that doesn't matter. What matters is that they caught him and arrested him. Now, tell us what we need to know.
No, no, no, no, I'm crawling. I don't have my crutches, the loaming man.
Scrappers, let me ask you a question. This is a riddle for kids?
No, I normally do riddles for kids, but I'm trying to quit those. Also, can you fasten me crutches really quick out of something?
Yeah, fasten your sort of crutches. Let me just tie these crutches to you. There you go.
Thank you. Now my crutch is back. Much better. A lonely man lived in his house in a suburb of the city. He never left the house for long. It was a mid-summer Friday when the mailman walked by and called out for the man. There was no answer. The mailman looked into the window and saw him in a pool of blood. When the policeman arrived, he found Tuesday's newspaper, two bottles of warm milk, and one bottle of cold milk outside the door. The next day, the killer was arrested. How did the police find out who it was so quickly?
Okay, let's figure out what we know here. Now, it was a Midsummer Friday, which means that someone was sewed into a bear suit and burned alive in Sweden. What else do we know? Now, if there's newspaper, that means that the newspaper boy or girl, child, delivered the paper, but there's also that milk. Now, two bottles were warm, one was cold. The cold suggests that it's fresh, that the milkman swung by,
The newspaper's on a Tuesday and the police find him on a Friday.
I have nipples, fucker, can you milk man me? Can you milk man me? There's something a friend of mine might say, but he's not. I wouldn't consider him a friend. Now Scraps, uh... Wait, what?
Now Scraps, um... Thank you for not calling me Scraps. You did that last time.
Sorry about that. Now, Scraps, uh, is it the milk man?
What do you mean? Why, Screvels?
You can't just say what it is. You have to give me the answer. Why, the reason.
Well, because there's two warm bottles and one cold, the milkman must have looked in the window and seen it and still delivered the mail. Wait, hold on. What day of the week was it?
The only milkman that male milkman's delivering is male milk.
I think I know the answer.
It was the paper boy because the milkman continued to deliver assuming the man was still alive. Now, if it's a Friday and there's only Tuesday's newspaper, the paper boy didn't return to the scene of the crime and missed Wednesday and Thursday because he knew the man was dead.
Well, yeah, you got it right, but in this scenario, the mailman's delivering the newspaper.
In what fucking suburb does the mailman deliver newspapers?
Well, we live in Riddle City, and this is what this universe is. The mailman delivers papers.
Wouldn't it be the paper boy, paper boy, all about that paper boy? Do the ditty again. Now give me those crutches yet.
Throw them in the ocean. I need crutches. I need them.
No, crutches are a crutch. The only thing you need is school and Jesus.
I need them for a joke I wrote later.
Okay, well Scrapes, if you need a crutch, maybe start drinking. That'll be a crutch. Hey, Scribbles, you want to try the joke out on us? Yeah.
No, no, no. Just give me some new crutches. You can make them out of any.
Here, fine. Here's two tubes from used toilet paper. Thank you.
And I'll just take these and throw them a hundred yards. Crunch down!
Alright, I really do need crutches for a bit that I'm doing later in this episode.
Okay, okay, fine. Here's a couple more crutches for you.
Thank you so much. I appreciate it.
And I'm going to take them in all of them. Crutch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid off into the sunset.
Excellent. I really do need crutches for something later.
Okay, here you go. Here's your crutches, and I'll just take these and throw them onto this ship. Crutch Mary's got the crutch.
At this point, these two grown men have thrown several pairs of crutches far, far away from this orphan.
Yes, and the ocean is more crutches than water at this point.
I think I have this backup pair of crutches. All right, off we go. Let's go! Oh well, it was... He knew that no one in the house would read a newspaper on Wednesday or Thursday, so he didn't deliver the newspaper.
That's smart. He took it for himself. Always take a trophy from every kill. Remember that, Scribbles.
Always take a trophy from every kill.
Don't parrot it back to me.
What about a participation trophy from every kill? You automatically get a... Even if you don't kill them, what if...
You Gen Zers these days, one of your participation trophies from Get Doin' Murders.
I was born in 1938. What does that make me?
Sorry. Scraps and the men.
Scraps and the men shuffled along past him. Scraps and the men.
Scraps and the men shuffled along past the entendre to a warehouse further down the docks. Scraps moved so slow, so by the time they arrived, night was really upon them and the storm that was brewing in the air seemed to grow near.
Scraps, after one year, this is a warehouse which is a regular house that was bitten by a wolf. You hear it now, that's a ghost.
Worth it. I think so. Scraps gave a little nod with his cap and disappeared into the night.
I'm going to try to collect all my crutches.
Don't go in the ocean. You're not going to live there.
I didn't hear what you said about the ocean. I'm going to go in the ocean.
I whispered it into my own sleeve.
The men walked through the shipment until they came upon a room filled with mirrors, set up almost like a maze. Just then, they heard the voice of the mayor, Mayor Mia Scuba, who you two named in the second episode, so now was stuck with it.
Yes, and Mickey, now that we're in this room of Mia's, this seems like the perfect time to have some reflection. Think about what we've come here to do.
You know we walk a dangerous path and I got a wife at home, Miss Vicki the Poop. She's got a young child and I do need to remember to be careful because I gotta live. I gotta live so I can take care of Miss Vicki.
And it's bad luck to break these mears but it's not bad luck to break this case wide open. Space is Dixie Chicks, George Bush.
And now I'm looking at Rick in a mirror. I'm thinking that he's my best friend. I don't want to hear alien and farm anymore. Okay.
Well, well, well, I thought you might find me here, Brick and Mickey.
And a well? Who do we have here?
Mayor Miyascuba. They saw the mayor in front of them, or did they see her reflection in one of the mirrors? With the storm brewing outside of the echoey room, it was hard to say. You know the rules, gentlemen, and I'm probably sure this is the first time you've heard this today, but before I answer any of your questions, you have to answer Riddle, because that's the rule in Riddle City in order for it to be on the main feed of the podcast.
Are we still in Riddle City? We're in the city limits still?
We're still here. Are you ready for my riddle boys?
Give it to us, Mayor Miyascuba. Wait, who are your riddle boys? Is that a gang of kids that you've trained to punch and kick us?
Hey, so you've heard about them. We're the riddle boys. Yeah, down here, Miss. Down with the riddle boys. Yeah, look down here, Miss Aloha even. And you gotta hear our song. With the riddle boys. That's it.
Yeah, they're not great. All right, ready for this riddle?
A serial killer kidnapped people and made them take one of two pills. One was harmless and the other was poisonous. Whichever pill a victim took, the serial killer took the other one. The victim took their pill with water and died. The killer survived. How did the killer always get the harmless pill?
Now I know the answer to this question, and the matter of the fact is that those pills were filled with iocane powder. Now, iocane powder has no taste or smell, but I've built up a tolerance over the last few years to it. Is that the answer?
That's not the answer, you little butthole.
Now, did the serial killer who's giving these poison pills and non-poison pills happen to have six fingers on his left hand? Because if that is true, then this is the serial killer that poisoned my father with a pill. My name is... Well, my name's Mickey Rourke. I'm a track of this man, now prepare to die. Anybody want a peanut?
Feels like that's a reference to something.
Well, it's a reference to our life. Now, sorry, continue with a- was there more to the riddle?
As you wish. I participated.
We know. We know. Now let me shove you down this hill.
You know the rules, gentlemen. Can you answer the riddle? Do you want me to read it again?
We quit, we don't know it.
Two pills. One is, now, can I ask, ma'am, it's a known fact that one of them did not have poison for certainty?
Not necessarily, no. One had poison, one did not have poison.
Maybe neither did. Yeah, so they would take the pill and then he would just like shoot him in the butt or whatever. Wait, I think I know the answer.
What's the answer then? You're so clever.
I think you said that he made the person take the pill with a glass of water. Now, if I were a betting man, I would bet that the water was poisoned. The killer doesn't take his pill with water, but the victim always does.
That wouldn't make any sense. Now, if the ice was poisoned, then the victim would be able to pee it out real fast if he drank the water. Well, that doesn't make like a dumb cashier. That makes no sense.
That sort of feels like a episode three callback. That's not what we're here for.
Well, I meant it as a subtle dig.
Yeah, wait, my first dead stop. You think I forget? Seems like you got it. The water was poison.
And also an episode three callback. What is that, General Grievous? Anyway.
As you wish, am I still participating?
That damn Trade Federation. Alright, fine!
After I became mayor, it was clear that I would only make a fraction of what my father made, doing the same job.
Your father was mayor? Now that's nepotism at its best.
Oh, please. I needed a way to support my children. I know buying drugs and selling them to an entire town for profit is not what a perfect mayor would do.
Support your children, have you tried crutches? That's a great way to lift up a child.
Excuse me. I know buying drugs and selling them to an entire town for profit is not what a perfect mayor would do.
It was a perfect phone call.
So I enlisted Baby Doll to help organize the shipments to keep my hands clean. Madeline caught on to us right away. She is a far better detective than you and the new chief of police husband of hers.
Sure, I'll admit that. Yeah, why not? We're bad at this.
She's the smartest woman in town and amazing at solving mysteries.
Not bad to look at either.
And she was never getting the credit. That's what I love when people are talking about a smart woman and someone makes a mention of her looks.
Madeline was just standing in the shadows of these men cleaning up their messes.
So she decided to join us.
One time I met a real mess in some shadows. Now I thought that nobody was around and I had to take a poop something fierce, but what I wasn't counting on is the next day the sun would come out. And boy oh boy, I had shit in my living room. Oh, Vicky the Poop was so mad at me. She took a broom to my head and she swept me out of the house.
Do your head? Anyways, do you, are you clear in what's going on?
I would say marginally. I would say butterly.
How about that? My villain's speech got interrupted a gazillion times. I didn't get to do it clear. I practiced it in front of these very mirrors 13 times today.
No, clearly, I'm, excuse me, I just told you.
Oh yes, I think I heard you now.
Baby Doll, me and Madeline are selling puns for the entire town. Baby Doll joined us so we'd keep our hands clean. Marky saw us so he had to be dealt with.
And Koko the Poop's an alien?
Who the fuck is Koko the Poop? You're combining two names, sir!
Look, if we're being 100% honest, we got pretty drunk on the way over here. Now we thought we could handle our liquor, but we were drinking doubles.
All right. Well, I'm going to go over it again.
Okay. No, just tell us straight. Who goes to jail? You or us?
Wow. You are really far off. You know what? No one goes to jail.
No one goes to jail. Well, hot damn. Let's all go get breakfast.
The men heard everything they needed to know and tried to detain the mayor. They both ran face first into mirrors.
The mayor did the trick and the mayor seemed to escape, but not before yelling into the echoey chamber of the room.
It wouldn't matter even if you did catch me. We're untouchable.
No, look at that baby carriage fall down that flight of stairs. He is untouchable. Oh boy, oh boy.
Brick, we are in for it now. The mayor got away. We got no trails, but we know who the culprits are. It's the mayor, baby doll, and your ex-wife Madeleine DeBarcke.
It occurred to Brick and Mickey that the fastest way to expose these three was to get the information to the newspaper for the next morning's paper.
Usually the fastest way to expose my three is just unzip. Fastest way to expose me is a straight line.
They remembered something that Sybil Sidney said to them. You remember Sybil Sidney from The Red All Over?
She said, I'll post anything you find in the newspaper as long as you get it to me by midnight the night before. Skiddly-doo and skiddly-bop. Here I go, want to see me do a back flip into a front flip. And here I go, and then there's a globe on my hand and I'm spinning it. It's a basketball, but then it turns into a snow globe. I shake the snow globe, I hit it against my head. Snow comes out, it's not snow, it's my blood now. The blood is the snow globe, the head, No, the blood, the head is the snow globe.
It's been a basketball this whole time.
And here, and then what's cute about this is you put a top hat on it, draw little eyes on it, bring it to an island. It's cast away but a basketball, okay? And it's your husband there. And you bring it around and you dance with it and it deflates. And then you swim to a different island and you go... You're just a quote. Okay, here we go. And here we go. This is just a memory of a conversation we had once. Remember, I'll post anything you find I trust you to in the newspaper. If you get it to me by midnight before I live in the news place. I am the news. I sleep on newspapers. I lay down on them. Part of the ink gets on my face, okay? And then the next day the news is on the right side of my face because I sleep on the right side. Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo. Unless I'm having sex on the newspaper. Which case you can read all the news. Sports section, art section, all over my body. That's a roll of the hay and the hay is the newspaper. Do you understand what I'm saying? Get it to me exactly before midnight. Not 1201, not 1202, not 1203, not 1204. I need it to me by 1159 in 59 seconds. I'll put it in the newspaper for the next day. Do you see what I'm saying? And I'll give you orange juice. All the orange juice that you want. But it won't be orange juice, but it's made from orange juice. And that's what's interesting about that. Name a movie and I'll name the movie. Four. Okay, four. I got four. I see four. It is your card. The Jack of spades. And I got it. And I got it. Do a little dance on the floor. And she's dancing on the floor. Then she gets to a carpet, rolls herself up. She's a burrito now. She eats the burrito. She's the burrito. What to do now? Midnight? The night before? Get into the paper. I'll post anything you want. It'll be headline news. It'll be the front of the paper. All right. I'm just a memory. Here's the quote. I hope you remember the important part of this.
Wait, Brick, I have a memory. Simple Sydney, what did she say?
She said if we go see her, she'll give us orange juice. But it wouldn't be orange juice to be made from orange juice.
I'll come back to your memory, just a quick memory. I will post anything in the newspaper if you get it to me by 11.59 the night before and then I'll post anything you want in the newspaper because the people of Riddle City deserve to know that they're being pushed drugs by the powers that be.
Mickey, you know what this means? Post anything in the newspaper that we get to about 11.59. We have to get there at 11.59 in 59 seconds and say, uh, uh, fuck you, Gripp Wilson.
No, I mean, come on, Rick, that's stupid. If we get there at 11.59 with 59 seconds, she won't have time to write, fuck you, Crip Wilson, and then post it.
So let's get there. 52 seconds.
Yeah, 52 seconds. Should be enough. Should be enough. 10, but a couple of keys. Let's get to Sybil now.
As Rick and Mickey walked to Sybil Sydney's office at the Red All Over to expose Madeline the Mayor and Baby Doll, it started raining cats and dogs. They started across the old bridge in town, saw a very unwelcome color, red. There was Madeline Demarque, standing between them and the truth, wearing her red coat, makeup running down her face, pointing a gun in their direction.
Don't shoot Madeline, we're just here to- Don't worry, she can't hit us both and the rain.
Well, here's the rehash, rundown, summation of everything. But first, I know that I'm the first one to say this to you two today, but it's Riddle City and you have to answer my riddle first. Yeah, you don't know this. I'm telling you this for the first time.
No, we've been occupants of Riddle City our whole lives. And we have to say it to people too if they come seeking information from us.
This is basically a different version of a riddle you already heard, so you should get it fast. Once on a winter day, John- Should get it fast.
Reminds me of the time that I
Don't strain yourself, Mickey. Once in a winter day, John found his friend dead in his own house. John called the police and said that he was just passing by Jack's house and decided to come in. He'd been knocking and ringing the bell for a long time, but all was silent. However, he could see the light in the room through the frozen window. He breathed on the ice windows glass and saw Jack on the floor. The police arrested John as the main suspect. Why?
Hmm. Jack Frost. Is that something?
Okay, Madeline, well, we're going to solve your riddle here, but I just have to say that when it rains, it pours. Poor me, it broke my heart. I can't believe that you're doing this. Can't believe you're doing that cat, that kitty, uh, petite for police guy. That's a cat. Do you know that? You're married to and fucking every night a kitty cat.
Yeah, he's a dumb cat, but he does whatever I say. Answer the riddle.
Man, this is not a dog like you, Brick. Well, rough, rough. Now let's see here. Let me be a good boy and solve this riddle.
Now, Mickey... This is the important part. However, he can see the light in the room through a frozen window. He breathed on the iced window through He breathed on the ice window glass and saw a jack on the floor.
Now, if a window is frozen over, would that be condensation on the inside or the outside? Because I don't know if he could breathe on the glass and wipe it clean or be able to see anything.
Not if the frost was coming from the inside of the house. The phone call's coming from the inside of the house.
Fine, you got it. John wouldn't be able to unfreeze the window glass because it's usually icy on the inside.
Oh, and of course John was the son of Nick, right? So this is Frost versus Nixon. Nick's son, sorry. There it is.
Just be quiet while I do my speech.
That'll be difficult for us.
I know. I knew Marky was going to have a hard time keeping his mouth shut. And he was my brother after all, so I wanted to keep him safe. So we had to set Coco Cashmere up for his murder so he could go into hiding. I would give you the perfect exposition and you would solve the exact mystery I wanted you to solve. That would be a clean ending to this, but you just had to go and see him on that stupid train. You never could mind your business, could you?
I had to let Babydoll kill my own brother to keep the secret. I had the mayor, the mob, and the police wrapped around my finger, and I had money to spare. I was saving up money to get the hell out of this city and stop being married to a cat. I'm sorry, brick and mickey, but this secret dives with you. Just as Madeline went to shoot, a shadowy figure appeared behind her.
You think you can frame me for murder and kill the tampon thief and the professional boxer who hold the box's amateurs and get away with it? You have another thing coming. No, she doesn't kill us. Hello boys and you're welcome. Remember me? I'm Coco Cashmere.
We have no way we can forget you. You have a voice that could unlock a door.
It means it's in a different key.
I'm saving you. Yes. I'm saving your life and you're gonna call me Shrill?
Well, are you a Hulu show star, Gady Bryant?
Cuz... I wish! All right.
Coco pulls out her jewel knife and the women struggle for control.
Coco stabs Madeline in the stomach and says, By the way, I love your coat.
Speaking of coke, I'd like a coke with that side of vocal fries.
How dare you talk about a woman's voice! I'm being upset about vocal fries!
Listen, it's not about you being a woman, it's about you being shrill and having vocal fry and being a woman. That's sexist!
The women fall off the bridge into the darkness of the water, being swept away as the sky continued to rain cats and dogs.
Don't worry, she'll grab onto one of those many crutches.
Thank God we throw somebody floating, flotsam crushes into the ocean.
Coco, I never thought I'd say this before, but I'm happy to see you. I fell in! They both fell in. I know. I know. I was trying to talk in a low enough tone, you wouldn't hear me in reply. Coco, as you leave, sing us a song.
She thinks the ocean's a river. Hey Riddle.
Oh, she's getting closer to the microphone. She's cuckoo for Coco.
The best the chief of police could tell, Madeleine DeMark died in the water and Coco Kashmir floated for a while and was saved by several ducks. The ducks thought she was a duck. Riddle City hopes she turns up so they can give her a hero's homecoming.
My pancake breakfast. I'm not hungry right now because, boy oh boy, my ex is dead at the docks. What a shame. What a shame to see her bleed out from that... my jeweled knife.
And now the gut wound matches the drapes, her coat, red, like her blood, and her pubes. Didn't know that.
Can't forget it. Wish I had. Well, asked an answer now. Didn't ask.
Brick paid his office alone, wondering why he felt so anxious. Maybe it was that the only person he ever truly loved was a murderer and was dead herself. He reached into his pocket and... A locket?
The locket that Coco gave him while she was in jail from the second episode. Wait, how did she get out of jail? Never mind that. The chief of police is a cat and the details of this are kind of... Oh, I think I know.
I think she got third place in a beauty contest. That got out of jail. And now she lives on... It could be the voice thing with the key that we said earlier.
That's how she got out of jail. He opened the locker to see two pictures of Coco blowing kisses, but there was a little note up behind the photo.
Blowing kisses to each other? That's bad shit insane. That's the funniest thing I've ever heard. Open your locket to see two pictures of the same woman blowing kisses to each other. And when it's closed, they're kissing.
That's the kind of self-confidence I'm trying to go into 2021.
I get you a girl that gets you a locket with two pictures of her kissing herself.
Someone make that for me.
But there was a little note wadded up behind the photo.
He unwrapped it and it said, Dear Brick, parentheses, tampon thief, parentheses.
It's written in all caps.
I recently learned that your beloved friend and partner Mickey Rourke was sent to spy on you for money and make sure you never get too close to the truth. Don't trust him. Trust no one in fact. Except me, obviously. Hugs and kisses to the tampon thief. Love, Coco.
Well, son of a bitch, my best friend has done me dirty. It's like Tim Hardaway and he double-crossed me. Oh, sorry, it's like Jesus and he double-crossed me. Wait, what's a good one here? Double cross? What has double two crosses?
It's like two streets intersecting, there's a double cross.
He walked to his desk and pulled out a small box. He opened it and put a line of puns, the drug he had been addicted to for many years, onto the table and took it. As he stood there, he saw a shadow appear at his door, a client bringing a new mystery for Brick Stoneheart to solve. He is way more alone and has nothing to lose as he braced himself for another night in Riddle City. And you can end this on a pun.
I don't feel like it. Oh boy. Brick? Wish you could gain 2,000 pounds and fall on yourself because this is hitting you like a ton of brick.
Now for some more cocaine. And end of the Riddle City story.
Man, what a sad ending. So, Erin, holy shit, that was amazing.
Did you guys have fun? That was a blast. Okay, I'm so glad.
And I'm glad that Mickey Rourke was behind it the whole time.
Yeah, what a twist. And there's no closure with that.
No. So, Burke just does drugs until he's... Well, we also, we didn't know that the whole time that he was just another person in the city. That's probably why he's not a cop anymore, it's because he got addicted to puns.
And everyone's addicted to puns in that city. Wow, wow, wow. A messy city. And Erin, Riddle City is... You said Detroit?
Erin, they've had it rough for a long time. Give them a break, Riddle Rock City.
Yeah, so that was the three part series. Thank you for everyone who listened it. I know that this wasn't like an everybody thing, but I know it wasn't everyone's favorite.
I know a lot of people didn't like it. I know.
Erin, I, you know, I hate lifting you up. This is a goddamn masterpiece.
I'm really glad that you two had fun. That's sort of the point. And then I got to do the Coco voice one last time. If anybody wants to email us or message me on Instagram for like an idea for another story arc in a different genre or universe, I had a lot of fun writing these. So if you have an idea for one that you'd like to see, please message me. But I think we're going to put Riddle City to bed at least for a year or two.
Yeah. Well, I hope we revisit it soon. I also have a... Well, she just said a year or two.
Yeah. Casey. No, I'll do another one. I'll do another one. I have a couple ideas.
I have one that I'm writing, a little arc.
Yay! Let's make sure it's not the same genre. Okay.
has written up. No, no, no. Mine's great. Am I anything to ploog?
What do I want to do? I'll give a little doctorate recommendations. There's a TV show called The Other Two. It's on Comedy Central, and you should watch it. It's fantastic. Erin, it seems like it would be your favorite show. I really, really liked it.
Have you ever heard of it or something? No, I watched it the first season. It's so funny. I mean, I love Molly Shannon in absolutely anything.
And Drew Tarver is so fucking funny. Um, so I'd recommend the other two, check that out. And then also I'm reading a book called Exhalation by Ted Jang, I want to say. I'm about a third of the way into it. It's a book of short stories, mostly sort of like black mirror-ish kind of sci-fi, and they are fucking fantastic. So check out Exhalation by Ted Jang.
I've been liking Medical Police on Netflix. It's also made me want to rewatch Children's Hospital, which was a great series that I really enjoyed. So check out Medical Police. I think it's standalone. I don't think you have to watch Children's Hospital to really get into it.
Just finished succession. It's the best. So good. It's everything everyone said it was.
Erin, would you say that you can't make a Tomlut without breaking some Greggs?
Oh my God, the best. I also am watching Love Island. If anyone wants to tell me what their favorite season of that is.
Those are the bookings of TV.
I know and I just try to balance out my spirit and my life and my love and my joy. And also follow me, Erin Keif 10, on Instagram. I'm going to be posting some fun stuff over there soon. The people who are so supportive of Riddle City were so supportive and nice to me and reached out and just said the kindest thing. So thank you so much if you're one of those people. I really appreciate the fans of this show. You guys make me feel really good.
Just to clear it up. So, because people have been asking, Riddle City did not actually take place on our Earth. It took place on a version of our Earth on the planet Jupiter. Bye forever.
Starting Erin Keif and John Patrick Coan.
Casey Tony could be editing. M. R. D. Parris is a music.
Oh boy. I wish I could gain 2,000 pounds and follow myself because this is hitting me like a ton of brick. Brick? You should have made like Joseph Gordon and left it alone. Got that one out.
Um, what else? Alright, any more? You should have Ben Folds Five because I'm a brick and I'm falling slowly. That song's about abortion.