Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a Headgum podcast.

Hey, Riddle Riddle is the name of this podcast and we're going to be doing a live show of this podcast in Los Angeles, Sunday, May 17th at 7 PM at Dynasty typewriter. If you want to go to the show, you should buy tickets headgum.com slash live. And if we sell out all of the early show, we may be adding a secret late show and you know, we get dirty at the late show. We don't actually get dirty at the late show. Bring your kids.

The doctor was the mother. Riddles.

Skittles! I can't do this. When these combine, you form captain puzzles. He's a hero. Gonna take puzzies. Down to zero.

No, up.

Solve them all. That's down to zero. I guess so. He's a bit of a- Can we stop for a second? Yeah.

There was a moment when we started where Erin whispered into her mic that people could hear. I can't do this.

I know, I just, you said riddles, you said skittles, and you both looked at me with just like the most hopeful faces, and I started seeing white at the end of my vision. So I was like, there's no way I'm not going to let them down.

You started to die. I like instead of like riddles, puzzles, lateral thinking, it became riddles, skittles. So I was like, now I have to rhyme.

Riddles, skittles, riddles.

Erin's one weakness, rhyming.

Brother, I'm so sorry.

Spittle. Yeah.

Yeah, I guess I get it.

Carrie Kittles. Um... Fiddles?

Tiddles.

Oh, tiddles. It should have been tiddles.

Yeah, I just knew I was going to let you both down and I was like, I'm so sorry.

And Tiddles is the best friend on Entourage. Yes.

I know 10 women who look like me. I can get any of them in here in any second. I'm sure that would be great.

Name two. If you do 10 women that look like you, that's an improv team. That's great. 10 women that look like you.

I'm on a team called Brady at IO and someone once said that we look like fun house mirror versions of each other. Like we looked like unmelted version of the other one.

That might be a devastating thing for one person to hear.

I think it's me.

That's not even a backhanded compliment. That's just a backhand.

Okay guys, what would, what if there were, let's say it's you and nine other people that look almost exactly like you are very close to you on an improv team. You kill them and you eat them to get you're hungry. What do you name that improv team? Okay, I'll go first.

Unfunny.

I got it. Bangs, I guess.

Bangs!

The Zooey Deschanel Brigade.

We would call mine everyone on stage for every scene, no edits, all yelling. Oops, all yelling.

Oh, they all have your personality too.

Yeah. Well, I don't know. I guess that's true. They would all just look like me.

Captain Hooks.

Mine would just be Captain Hooks. Yeah, you look like Captain Hook and Snape.

That's true. Oh yeah, Captain Hook and Snape. Raised a dog.

There are people also that... Adal, all I asked is that you didn't give away the premise of my pilot. That is literally all I asked of him.

I said, read it, don't give me notes, just don't tell anyone about it.

I don't know why I said it to you. I've told Erin before, she looks like, I think you look like the lead woman in Orange Is The New Black.

Which is wild to me. No one's ever said that to me before.

If you had blonde hair you'd look just like her. Like your face is exactly, exactly like hers.

Everyone today tweet at me who you think I look at, look like. But what's weird? If you think I look at you.

If you catch me peeping into your windows, tweet at me. Hey Riddle. Yeah, just comment about what you think we should have looked like. I always do think it's funny though because it doesn't happen very often, but occasionally someone will tell me that I sound blonde. Are you serious? Yes, I've got... I mean, it's a wild thing because, you know, I've never been blonde. Okay, real quick.

I've been told I sound short.

You sound short? I'm gonna close my eyes. JPC, I want you to say this line. I'm gonna close my eyes so I can picture it. I want you to say, I'm like totally gonna go to the beach today. Okay. I'm like totally gonna go to the beach today.

I'm gonna put my eyes and JPC stole both of our wallets.

Going to the beach. The place where you use money. Sand dollars. Excuse me, two beach dogs please. Uh oh, that whale took my dollar. Speaking of whale took my dollar, who's Old Man Puss Balls? You know it's your boy Blond J.P.C. I am Old Man Puss Balls today.

Can't wait to see all the people drawing Blond J.P.C. today. Can I wait?

Can I ask you, did they say you sound blonde or did they say you sound like Blondie, which was Hitler's dog? A Hitler stock who also invented rat.

All I said was do not give away the premise of my pilot. Snape and Captain Hook raise Hitler's dog.

Netflix if you're listening, Netflix can you hear us?

And do they fall in love? We'll see.

And one day he's in the kitchen and he's like brownies but with white chocolate? Butterscotch? It's a cooking show. Blondie, yeah. I guess blondies are butterscotch not white chocolate. I pooch the bear. You're gonna die on that hill, huh? No, I told you I will die on top of Faith Hill. We'll be making love. I'll have a heart attack.

Her husband will walk in.

And he's giving away the plot of every one of my pilots.

I will never email you again.

Where do you have the time? Oh yeah, stop emailing Adal your pilots.

Here's the key JVC, these are made up pilots. I haven't read many of them.

I would never have guessed.

I have to see his name before we get started. JBC, you're going to be Captain Hook. Don't make me dessert before I even have my breath fully. Erin, you're going to be Professor Snape and I will be the dog, Hitler's dog, Bonnie, that you're raising.

Honey, I'm home for work.

Yar. I love you and I cherish you and I thank you for working outside the home and allowing me to stay at home and raise Hitler's dog.

You're the love of my life.

Can I say something? What's wrong with your voice?

Right now? Yes. There's something stuck in my throat.

The man I love. Is it okay if moving forward you just say that I'm your dog? Well, I moved here to Venezuela to escape my checkered past.

Well, once you're associated with such a terrible thing, it would be wrong of us to disassociate.

Could I not be Captain Hook, something that constantly reminds me that I've been maimed by a crocodile? I'd love to be just Jeff.

Is it your name Jeff Hook? No, I've told you a million times. I was named after a blues traveler song. Same.

All right, riddle me. Riddle me, daddy. OK, you got you little daddies and mommies ready for some riddles? Step on my neck, riddles.

I'm a little mommy ready for a riddle.

So these are some riddles that were sent to us, some warm-up-y riddles that were sent to us from a fan. But this one comes with a little bit of a story that I'd like to go into. Do you remember way, way, way back when we were first starting this podcast and we would ask people to submit riddles at h-r-r-d podcast at gmail.com? And then I would do a bit where I would say, and also submit to HRPodcast at gmail.com, any like HR related maladies or anything like that. Well, we got a riddle all the way back from August of 2018. And then they followed up and said, hey, you fucks, I sent this a year ago to HRPodcast thinking that was genuinely your email. Thanks for the laughs. So they had a good spirit about it.

So real quick, we're rewarding aggression.

Yes, I decided to... They listened for a year. They listened for a year. They kept listening. And they also did things for the laughs. I would just like to apologize to Darby, who sent this riddle. Darby, so sorry. I was doing a bit. I'm sure that many people emailed that email address asking, I never bothered to go and create that Gmail. Maybe somebody else did. Maybe someone else is answering your emails. Who knows?

But either way... Where do emails go when they go to an email address that doesn't exist?

Dad, where do emails go?

Where do emails go?

Oh, okay. Well, you know how your mother died last year? Yeah. I'm so distraught with that that I can't really focus on this right now.

He said my riddles are on a farm upstate. Yeah, sure. Mom's definitely dead. Oh, she got it.

She's gone and we don't believe in an afterlife, so she's dirt and worms. And we all will be soon, very soon, climate change. I'm Dad. But these are some warm up riddles from Darby. Okay. He who makes it, tells it not. He who takes it, knows it not. He who knows it, wants it not. Answer to a riddle.

He who makes it, tells it not.

He who takes it, knows it not. He who takes it, knows it not. He who takes it, knows it not.

What do you make but not tell? Wouldn't be like a lie. He who takes it, knows it not.

A secret, a fart.

And then he who knows it, wants it not. So if you make it, you don't tell. If you take it, you don't know. And if you know it, you don't want it. What was the last line again? He who knows it, wants it not.

Oh, it's who's sleeping with your mom.

I don't want to know, I don't want to know. No, it's how many times your parents have had sex. If you know it, you don't want it.

Uh, Madison.

Uh, no. I think people who take the medicine want it. So the sort of verbs here are make, tell, and take?

If you make it, you don't want to tell about it. If you take it, you don't know about it. And if you know it, you don't want it. I like this. This is a fun riddle. Is this like a tangible item? It is a tangible item.

Well, I know there's the one that's like he who makes it doesn't want it or whatever. It's a coffin. And I'm guessing this isn't that one.

No, it's not a coffin.

Okay. It's also, I guess it's unclear if Darby made these riddles or not. Erin, you just made me realize a condom is like a coffin for your penis.

No, it's like a coffin for your sperm. Sure.

Every time I go to have sex with Akana, I say I'm going to bury my boys. I take it, I put it in the toilet and I go, would you like to say anything?

She's like looking at the window of you parrying in her backyard. Dude, I have roommates. This is like a shared space. You're out there with your shirt off.

Just shooting 21 guns. Six feet deep. It's actually 10 feet. The dogs dig six feet now.

I make little tombstones for my gun.

How are we already here?

Yeah, this is a big fucking mess.

If this is your first episode, I'm sorry.

Our warmest regards to you. Good luck with your life.

Our warmest regards. Good luck with your life. Yeah, I also forgot to mention up top that by default, if you listen to this podcast, you are accepting implicitly our warmest regards.

So those are now yours.

By default, this is your fault.

Okay. JPC, it's something you can eat.

It is not anything that you can eat. That's a good question.

It's something that can expire, go bad, or come from the earth.

No. I guess it could decompose. Technically, yes. Not made of wood, technically.

Technically. What does that mean?

It's made of wood. It's a funeral cake. Every cake is a funeral cake.

Sorry for your loss.

There's flour in there. Every time I have sex, I want someone to hold me and say sorry for your loss.

And hold shit up. I think that if I gave this to you and I was like, here's some wood, you would be like, fuck off. All right. Fuck off. Technically, fuck off.

One of those new trendy wedding rings that is made of wood.

Can I tell you a quick story? A guy was drying his hands in the bathroom at my work.

So far he's right.

Yes, he had already washed them and now he's drying them off with a paper towel. And then he went to throw the paper towel away and his wedding ring went off and into the paper towel thing. And he looked at it and he goes, oh no. And it was full of paper towels people have wiped their hands with. Oh no, like that sucks. Like what are you gonna do? And he was like, well, uh, I guess I could like go through the paper towels. And I was like, was that like an expensive ring? And he was like, no, it's like one of those like Silicon ones. Like they're like $10 online. Cause we didn't want to do fancy rings. I was like, Oh buddy, this is an easy choice.

You let it go. Like that's gone. That man?

But at first I just saw someone's wedding ring pop off into the trash can full.

It would be a very different vibe if it was like a diamond engagement ring.

Yeah, and if it was a guy wearing that. Guys don't wear engagement rings, right?

Some nowadays more and more people are, which makes sense to me.

For guys, engagement ring goes on the toe.

It's actually a tag with a number on it that goes on their ear.

Like a retail tag with that little gun that goes with it. It's a little plastic thing.

Wait, Erin, Erin, I'm genuinely interested in this. So what is a guy's engagement ring though? Would it be like a, does it look like a lady's engagement ring?

I've seen some guys have a split ring that they're going to stack with a wedding ring or it's just the ring that they're going to wear when they're married.

And it just is engraved and says owned. But it looks just like a wedding ring.

Yeah, it looks just like a wedding ring.

But you would just wear it as an engagement ring.

Yeah, just because it's a little bit weird that there's this

Stigma. So my other question was this. I really don't think I know any heterosexual couples where the woman has proposed to the man, but if you are proposing to the man, because with gender norms it's like the man proposes and calls the father and says like, I'll offer you four bushels of goat for your daughter's hand.

Ah, dead goat.

I can't get live with the bushel.

I've tried.

So I know all of that but I just don't think that's a given. I just don't think like if I was if a woman was proposing to me I wouldn't know like would it would you just be like this is a proposal like do I need a ring because I mean hopefully before anyone's proposing to anyone you've had conversations about the references yeah of course oh my gosh for both I think I didn't know this This is not something I would have known.

I think I'm the type of person who would propose to someone. I hate the idea of I'm not allowed to or supposed to do that. That's such a special fun thing to get to plan.

And before you did that, you would have a conversation with them about what kind of ring they would like?

I hopefully would be like... I have already had a conversation of like, hey, we're definitely getting married. We're both excited to do this. And then also I'm sure that would come up like, hey, do you want to wear wedding rings at all?

Okay.

Do you want to wear engagement rings? Wear engagement rings? Like should we both have one or should we just wait to wear rings till we get married? Do you want a wood one? Do you want a silicone one?

It is. I just always have thought it's so weird and fucked up that like men don't wear engagement rings.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think a pretty, I don't know. It's not old-fashioned, it's just a true thing about me is I have a note on my phone that has a lot of- That's not old-fashioned at all.

That's maybe within the last six years.

No, but I have a note on my phone that has a few of my friend's ring sizes on it just in case.

Someone asked you?

Like one of their boyfriends asked me.

Smart. Whoa. That's wild.

I have like my- So they're thirsty. No, it's just like, I guess it makes sense because if you're the type of person who really wants to be surprised. My sister and brother-in-law, Mitch, went and picked it out together, which I think is really, because you're wearing it forever.

Yeah, exactly.

Hopefully you're having, I don't know who's not having conversations about rings before.

So I don't know, some guys are like weird and traditional and they were like, Yeah, who knows. I'm sure that it happens a thousand times a day where someone comes, brings an engagement ring to a jeweler and is like, this has to be resized.

I've definitely seen like surprise proposals where it's like I was at a flat top girl one time and a guy yelled like, can I have everyone's attention? I've told you that story, right? Where it sounded like he was going to hold up the restaurant and he proposed and she looked aghast of like one I don't want to marry you too. This is where you choose to propose, a flat top girl. So I think they're rarer, but I think those are still out there.

That's what your story, email me. That's crazy to me.

I'm obsessed with that. Email us your proposal stories. That's H.R.

Pike. But I think, so hypothetically, we're in love. Okay. And we're going to get married. We don't talk about rings before and I go to propose for you. Would you like to have like a little ring box? Like if I open a ring box and there's like a little ring in it? I think so.

I think because there's the physical marker of the ring box and the down on one knee thing I think is a cool like device. I also like I don't mind things happening in public or surprises so I don't think unless it was like at a flat top grill but knowing my father Hey Riddle Riddle. Then I get to have a thing. I get to wear the little ring on my finger. I don't think I would want like a diamond ring though. I would want like a simple band. Also, I've never worn a ring in my life like on my finger. I wear a Fitbit and that's like the only watch I've ever worn either. I think it would be like weird. Like maybe I should start wearing a bunch of rings now just so I could like physically get used to that thing.

What guys do a lot now is get the rings that break really easily, that are cheap so you don't get caught in anything, but I love the way a wood, speaking of wood, whatever the answer to this riddle is, I think wood rings look so good.

Adal, would you want a little box if someone proposed to you with a little ring in it? Yes, I don't need the ring, but the box, I feel like I could put stuff in. Like some fun pens or something.

Some cashews.

Even if there was not a ring in it, I would still want the box with it proposed.

Oh, if anyone out there is planning on proposing to Adal, a little engagement ring Tiffany box with a little hermit crap in it will do it just fine.

Oh please, and call it ring.

It will die in two days.

One with my attention, Spam, so let's get back to this Riddle. Here's my impression of Adal getting proposed to.

Yes, I will find a home for my hermit crab. He who makes it tells it not. He who takes it knows it not. He who knows it wants it not. What's the answer to the fucking riddle? Give us a hint. So, this is a type of thing that is the fake version of that thing.

Cubics occur now. No. Made of wood. This type of thing is a fake kind of thing.

I make it. I won't tell you. If I take it, I don't know. And if I know it, I don't want it.

An arrow to the head.

An arrow to the butt.

Think about what we talked about earlier. Rings for 20 minutes? No, going to the beach.

Adal has never been more bored by anything we talked about. I'm not bored.

I was just thinking we should get back to it. He just knows it's not going to happen. I'm just frustrated because I'll never find love. I'm sure my girlfriend's happy to hear that.

For the record, I want an engagement ring with sapphires in it. So this is my, no, I don't want to marry Sean. This is my formal thing if I'm sure whoever I'm dating will come to you too and say what engagement ring should I get Erin? My mom's wedding ring and has sapphires in it and I like sapphires too.

I'm sure there's a person listening to this podcast putting a lipstick on a photograph of you. Right now it's like, she'll have sapphires, but we will have sapphires.

If that's happening to anyone, it's Adal.

And right next to that, he's got a kill list of the people that need to die first. So you're basically describing John Patrick Coan and Adal Rifai, and Adal Rifai of course sees that and is like, I'm second to fucking JVC, are you kidding me?

Of course you're describing Steve Buscemi and Billy Madison. Erin, you said the way you want to be proposed to is that someone buys you a sapphire ring over a three-year course, plots to become your boss, and then calls you into his office and says, Erin, you're fired, sapphired. That's good.

Get my boyfriend on the phone and tell him to do that.

Do you guys want to know the answer to this one? You're obviously still stuck on this whole writing thing.

I feel like I'm going to like this one, but I just can't think of what it is.

Let me think if I can give you... I'm trying to think if... Okay, so... Do I own one? If you did, you wouldn't know. You'd be like, he who... A tick? He who knows it, wants it not.

If you own it... Ticks are famously made of wood.

Oh, wood tick. If you owned one, if you had one, let's say on you right now, you would be so mad that you... Splinter? No, you'd be so mad that you had it, but... If you knew that you had it, using it would be a crime. What? And this is something that you would have the occasion to use like every day. A crucifix? It's something that you probably have on you right now.

That I probably do.

On my person or in this room? So this is the fake version of this thing?

You have probably the real version on you, on your person right now. I know I probably do in my coat. Back sweat?

Pen. Pencil.

No. In your coat. Button? No. Phone? Sometimes it's in my back pocket. Can it fall out? Yeah. Wallet? Money? Money?

Wallet. Money. Money. Coin. Money? The answer is counterfeit money.

You're a very cool Vegas guy who runs this poker game.

GPC, you're trying to get into it with something that is clearly not currency. Hey, have a seat at the table. Thanks. Really an honor to be here. I really want to play with you guys.

Well, you honor Tony Roulette. You know, I had this private game for a long time. You know Tobey Maguire used to come by? I do know, yeah. Back when he was famous.

Yeah, he's not so much anymore. So what do we got here? We're going to play some... Yeah, what's the buy-in?

The buy-in is 200 large. 200 large? So 200 very large Lego bricks.

1, 2... Hey, aren't those duplos?

These are technically duplos.

What?

Those are duplos?

These are technically duplos.

They're just as... Like, who's that kid? They're definitely as good as Legos. They're just as good. Don't yell at my kid. That's my kid.

Yeah, I'm proud of the underground poker game. You can't tell me what to do.

I said, who's that kid? Yeah, that's Blackjack. Oh, okay, Tony. Well, there's... hold on. Hey, hey. I should say that real fast. That's Blackjack. Yes, thank you. First name, first name, one name. Yeah, got it. Okay, fine. The duplos don't work. You said 200 large. 200 large, yeah. How about 200 VHS copies of the movie Big? How with that, you can't get anything smart to say to be setting 200 copies of the movie Big on the table? Nope, get a pass on that one.

No, that movie is so old. How old is it kid? I don't even recognize it. I don't even look like a movie to me. It looks like a book. I don't know what BHX's are. Oh boy, this kid.

I used to be an improvizer.

Title of this episode. I used to be an improviser.

I didn't want to be really a part of that scene. You two were being really funny and I had to say dupe love.

I teach classes and sometimes when people like walk into a scene or yell or not, I guess it's mostly just like walking into a scene and it's just like really destructive. I stop and I say, hey, why did you do that? And nine times out of the person it's like, oh, I have no idea.

I didn't want to be here. I used to sing in classes or workshops. If somebody kept walking on, I'd be like, you know the best walk-on? And they're like, what? And I'd take a pen and a paper and I go, the best walk-on is an edit. Like, what do you mean? I'm like, start walking into the scene and then just keep walking. Do it fast. Do it fast. And then the scene's edited and you can start your own scene.

I'm a walk-on monster now. I don't know what happened to me, but I walk onto every single scene in world news and make it worse.

All right, speaking of making it worse, let's do some more riddles. Darby sent three. I drift forever with the current down these long canals they've made. Tame, yet wild. I run elusive, multitasking to your aid. Before I came, the world was darker, colder, sometimes rougher, true. But though I might make living easy, I'm good at killing people too. This is a poem. Blood. Is it wood again? Is it timber? It's not timber, it's not wood, it's not blood.

It's not coal. Is it some sort of fuel?

Because it said the world used to be colder, so this makes me think it's like... Yeah, I don't think it's a fuel necessarily, but you're on the right track. Is it technically fuel? It's electricity. It's electricity. Yes, it's power, it's not fuel. Yeah, I drift forever with the current down these long canals they've made, the power lines. Awesome, not as hard at RVs, so they're getting worse.

I want to see a scene.

What's the scene? May I?

Yeah, we gotta do two then.

I want to see a scene. The two of you are what is referred to in town as the Electric Sisters. Oh boy. You are both Nikolai Tesla's daughters, twin daughters, and you're at high school and your dad just invented electricity, and everyone's giving you shit about it.

Remember, when we go in there, Papa says that we can read at night now, and that's all that matters. We can see in the dark.

That's easy for you to say. I'm a monster. All the children in school are nice to you, but daddy needs me out of electricity.

Daddy brought you back to life with electricity. There's a difference and no one achieves my sister.

I was never alive Matilda. I was never alive.

Into the schoolhouse we go.

Oh, uh oh, here come the electric twins. Look at that gross one.

He's pointing at me.

Disfigured.

You think that Mattil Rifai is close? What do you think of me big boy?

What are you, Armenian?

Listen, my name is Thomas Edison and fuck you too. Wow, he's young or he teaches here. What does man love more than life, fear more than death or mortal strife? What the poor have the rich require, the contented man desire? What the miser spends and the spendrift saves, and all men carry to their graves? Peanut butter M&Ms. Love. No.

Yeah, I think it's peanut butter M&Ms.

What is man love more than life? Peanut butter M&Ms. Love more than life.

Love more than life. I don't know fucking 15 minutes on the couch in peace, Diane.

Men are terrible.

Love more than life, fear more than death, the poor have, the rich require, a tinted men desire,

Fear more than death, the poor have it, the rich desire. Is it an ass beating? I want someone to beat my ass. Beat my wealthy ass. Boy, what could this be? Fear more than death. This is something intangible, I assume?

Yes.

Okay. Is it cowardice?

I guess it's not really intangible.

Love more than life. Oh, it's not tangible. Yeah. Something you love more than life. Erin, what do you love more than life?

And Adal, what do you feel more than death?

Paper cuts. Something going into my neck. Needles.

I'm giving you a paper cut on your neck in like two minutes.

Wolverines.

I like napping twice in a day. Bagels.

Bagels. Hey, you have enough bagels, you're gonna be napping twice a day. The poor have it and the rich require it. Oh, is it nothing? Yes, Adal got it. So dead on. It is nothing. Some of the way that those were phrased makes me think that Darby wrote them themselves.

Something in the way they're phrased.

Can I see the scene I wanted to see before? You know that a good amount of time has lasted. It doesn't make sense anymore. Adal, I want you to be Ben Franklin. I'm going to be the key. And JBC, you're going to be the kite.

This is amazing.

Adolph and Franklin, you're the key on the kite. Okay, just go outside here. Nice, healthy storm brewing.

What? It's raining. Shouldn't we go inside?

Ben, what's the end game here? Like, what's gonna happen to Kite and me?

Okay, well I, before I put you... I'm getting all wet. Yes, that's the point. Before I put you in dangerous way, in harm's way, I should explain myself. Of course, you know that I have syphilis, right? Yo, famously. I'm sorry about that. And I'll tell you what, you can't cure it by wiping it on a kite.

Or a key. I thought third time was a charm for both of those.

But all of Philadelphia is going to know me as the man who cured syphilis. What I'm going to do is put the key on you, the kite, put you up in the air. You'll be a conductor, a catalyst for electricity. What am I, a train driver?

What's electricity?

Well, electricity is- I know what electricity is. I'm all wet, am I beautiful? You're the Tesla girl, right? Vroom vroom. You invented a car? I'm the Tesla girl, I'm the Cybertruck.

Oh wait, it's starting to thunder and lightning. Okay, we're flying in the sky. Ben! Ben, we're flying!

I'm certainly up here.

Ben!

Now attract some electricity. Attract some lightning.

I've never attracted anything in my entire life. Except an old man who wiped his genitals out big.

Darby also says, as for HR problems, what's the deal with proof of insurance letters? I've got one over to the HR, my mom's GEICO office, so they'll take me off of her as a dependent. Thanks, fam. Darby, the answer to that question is I have no fucking idea. Now, a commercial break. Okay, and we're back. And before we get into our main course, I have another little warm-up-y riddle for you. This one comes to us courtesy of Erin. Erin writes, here's an original riddle. Wait, our Erin? Yep, this is Erin with two A's. So, Erin, how do you spell your name?

A-R-I-N. This could be my first kiss, this guy. Oh, really? My first kiss was an A-A-R-O-N.

Wow. My first kiss was an A-S-S-H-O-L-E. So wait, Erin, your first kiss was an A-A with Ron?

My name's Ron, I'm an alcoholic. Hey, who are you?

It was last week, and it was a man named Ron.

Here's an original riddle that's more of a terrible joke. I guarantee you won't enjoy it. So thank you, Erin. Thank you so much for sending it. Kevin was robbed and shot by a masked assailant. He was rushed to a hospital where the doctor told him, don't worry, the police will get your watch back. How did the doctor know what had been stolen? He had, Kevin had a deep tan. Deep Tan. I know that's only for wedding bangs and that's only for improv scenes.

Kevin asked what time it was.

No, he didn't ask what time it was. Kevin told the doctor I lost my watch. He didn't tell the doctor. The doctor just knew.

He got shot in his wrist.

He was shot and robbed. That would suck. By a mass assailant. By a mass assailant. Rushed to the hospital, the doctor told him, don't worry, the police will get your watch back.

A mass assailant means an assailant during Catholic mass. We all know everyone who goes to mass is middle class and can afford watches.

Okay. The person who robbed him came in to the hospital.

Yes. The doctor was the robber. Can you say that in a different way? The doctor was the assaulter.

He was... What's another word for being assaulted, for being robbed?

Oh, the doctor was the... It kind of sounds like... The doctor was the... Mugger. Mugger.

Mugger, yes. The doctor was the mugger. That gets one boo from Adal. It's not a block of lice. Oh well, you just burned Erin's next riddle, so... Thank you so much for sending that in, Erin. This next riddle is, let's see if, okay, the name that they say at the end in parentheses, you can use this name. So not you can use my name, but you can use this name. And the name that they have chosen to do is... Riddle Skittle Biddle. It's Riddle Skittle Biddle. Skittle Biddle is like a Kill Bill, alternate reality, is Colonel Forbin. So, Colonel Forbin, I don't, yeah, that's who this is from. But they say, hey, Clue Crew, I've got a ton of great things to say, but I'll keep it short. You guys are phenomenal. I've been listening since the fourth episode. Really, go back and listen to those first three. Can't believe it's been a year. Okay, I'm dating this email. And got a bunch of friends on the bus to listen as well.

Oh, thank you.

That's cool. Is she in prison? Prisoner school, I really don't want to know which answer. So I've been wanting to share this riddle with you for a while. I don't think you've done it before. And so here it is. You have eight identical balls. QJPC quip.

You have 8 identical balls, but one of them weighs slightly more than the rest. And you have a two-sided scale to compare weights. You can weigh the balls in any order or any combination, but can only use the scale twice.

How do you find, with certainty, which is the oddly sized ball, the heavier one?

You put four and four at first, whichever side weighs more, you keep those four. Then you do two and two, whichever side weighs more, then you're down to 50-50. You hold them in your hand after that.

For a first answer, that's really good. That's how you get very close to solving this, Riddle. I'll take that. I think we're done.

Adal teaches middle school math part time. He shows up when he wants to show up.

What's seven plus three? Well, let's take a look here. Seven plus one is eight, so go from there. Class dismissed. It's 904. Well, I don't know if I can get some exercise kids. Don't you have video games to play or something? My eyeball went through my nose. Did she just say her eyeball went through her nose? My eyeball! Oh, her eyeball. Erin, of course, is drinking in old-fashioned.

My God, everything stinks. We're all 7 plus 1 today, so go from there.

When Erin comes in, she has a 12 year old boy make her a very alcoholic drink.

He's my butler.

She says, bring mommy her juice, then we start recording the podcast.

I do always have 11 different Kinds of caffeine in front of me. That's true. Until I die. Oh my god. Oh, shit, you're on your second eyeball? Yeah. Guys, can we?

I think I just thought of something. Can we get into the energy drink market? Why not? Riddle juice?

As long as it's rat poison.

It's all rat poison, right?

Yeah. Well, this was, half of it was from yesterday. And so I was like, what if half is not enough? And so I grabbed another one. They also get delivered to my house every month now. What? Yeah. You look awesome.

Hot coffee anymore. So you have a highball delivery service? I have a soylent delivery service. Do you really? That I got after talking to you. Like four years ago, five years ago, you used to drink soylent all the time. And I was like, and then I got, I started to eat like once a day and I'm like, this isn't good. So then I was like, since I'm always running around, I'm like, I need something liquid.

Do you do it for a specific meal? Because I would do it for breakfast. I found that it was really great for me for breakfast.

I just do it if I notice I haven't eaten in like 12 hours. That's smart.

What about when you don't notice?

Well, then Gemma will be like, have you eaten today? And I'm like, no. And she's like, Jesus Christ.

I do think it's like a kind of carrying around like a protein bar, but I can't stand eating fucking protein bars. Casey was telling me, our editor, Casey Tony, shout out to the Neoscum podcast, but Casey was telling me that he takes caffeine pills, right? Because he doesn't do the coffee very often either.

I'm going to ask for thumbs up, thumbs down somewhere in between. How well do caffeine pills work?

Oh, thumbs up.

Get it mixed with Altheanine?

Is that a woman? I almost said, I literally almost said, is that a character from Golden Girls? Altheanine. So Casey still goes, Casey still goes to Starbucks every day. He just goes to his barista, Altheanine. Oh, hello there. Is it your birthday?

Oh my god, I'm dying.

This is my daughter, El Theodine, and my daughter, Khaleesi.

Yeah, I'm trying to keep caffeinated without dehydrating myself too much, and I tried like every energy drink when I stopped drinking hot coffee to try to...

Because hot coffee gives you like a... A rash.

A rash, yeah. That's so weird. Can someone explain that to me out in the world?

I think that's more common than it's... I don't think it happens to everybody, but I've heard of other people getting rashes from hot coffee.

And it makes me want to fall asleep immediately.

I was going to say, I thought about it and I think you're allergic to being awake. That could, Erin, that could be true.

I have never felt more seen. I really, I think so. The fun part of moving in with a boyfriend for the first time is I don't think he fully realized how tired of a person I am. He'll come in and be like, oh wow. Oh, you are the most tired person I've ever seen.

You should have a coffee mug that says don't talk to me until I fall asleep. It's filled with water.

If you want to have a meeting with me, better be in my dream.

What was the riddle that we're on? Eight identical balls.

Adal, I will say that you were so close.

Do you put them all on at once?

That's what Adal did. He did four and four all at once.

What if you did four and four, take the foursome that has the heavier weight, and then from there you do one and three. An eyeball.

No, that doesn't quite work. I will say that four and four as the first thing that you do is not the correct answer, but it's close. You're on the right track.

Is this like a digital scale or you have to eyeball it? It'll tell you exactly. Let's call it a digital scale. So technically it's a digital scale. It's a dollar bill.

Technically digital is your DJ name, right? Technically digital. I only play robot rock.

I'm confused. So it's not the kind of scale that we're like four balls on one side and four on the other.

It is. It is. But also underneath it, it'll give you a digital readout to say like, this one is four grams heavier than the other one. Can I ask, is this like lateral thinking or is this just like basic math? It's deductive reasoning, I would say. Yeah. There's some lateral thinking in this, I think. But you said four and four is not right, but what other combinations would you start with and then kind of go five and three, six and two, one and seven?

Six and two? Six and two, but what? Well, six and two, if you get a digital readout, which is what I was saying from the three and one, if you do six and two and get a digital readout, if one's like... You won't use math.

I shouldn't have said digital readout. I'm just saying that you will know if you put like one ball and one ball, you would know which one is the heavier one by some means. But you can't use math, so there's no digital readout, I should say.

If it's six and two... Okay.

It's not six and two on the scale either.

Five and three? Seven and one? Zero and eight? No. Zero and eight? You waste a turn and throw the wrath of God.

God comes down. Do you put like two and two?

Uh, no, it's not two and two, but that you're, now you're, again, you're on the right track.

So you don't, you don't weigh them all late at, at first. That's correct. Okay. So you would do, you could do one and then do one. Hope you get lucky.

One and three, one and three.

No, not one and three. It's not two and two. It's not one and three, two and three, two and three. No. So three and three? Yes. Okay, three and three. I'll give you that that is the best way to start.

Okay, okay.

So you do three and three, whichever one weighs more, you toss the other three, you keep the remaining three. You know that it's in those three. That's what it is. So if they're equal, you toss out all six and you only have two remaining, you can figure it out immediately. If it's three and three and one of them is heavier, you know it's in those three, you can weigh two. If they're exact, it's the third one left out. If one's heavier than the other, it's one of those. Bye George, he got it. No, Adal got it. Well, no, this guy says George.

Wait, oh yeah. That does work.

And our good friend Colonel Forbin also says, come to the East Coast, I'll be there. Hope to catch you guys sometime at IO, if I get back to Chicago soon.

We're going to New York.

Yeah, I hope they're coming to the New York show. And if not, then I hope that they could be a little more specific with where on the East Coast they want us to go.

Yeah, DC, Virginia, tell us.

I hope it's DC. It's like, you fucked up, guess. So a friend of mine gave me a similar, a long time ago, gave me this similar riddle, and they're like, you should do this on the podcast. They got it in a job interview. Damn. Yeah. What's their job? Riddle solver. Is your friend Julia? Yeah. My friend Julia who listens to the show was I think that they were interviewing at some place and this was like a question that they asked to test people's ability to do deductive reasoning. That's wild. If someone asked me this question to do deductive reasoning in an interview, I would not be able to do it.

I did a workshop at your friend Julia's. She's our friend. I did a workshop at her place of business. Her old work. She was telling me how much she enjoyed the podcast. She's like, I want to join the Patreon, but I don't want to give JPC money. And I said, I go, honestly, if you join the Patreon, I will make sure only Erin and I get your money.

And ever since she joined the Patreon, every month I send Mitt Romney $5.

You found his Venmo?

I found his Venmo. It's at Dirty Little Mitts.

It's a pretty little myth.

And I just said, I just have been moment Romney $5 a month because he's not the most controversial, but I'm sure she doesn't want them to have it.

I want to see a scene. JPC, you are going in for a job interview. Hell yeah. Erin, you are the owner and you have a little bit of an unorthodox way of interviewing in which it has nothing to do with the job, but you just like to see how they think on their feet.

Wow, your resume is truly incredible.

It's all lies.

I'm just kidding. Thank you so much. I'm just so happy that you, we feel lucky that you even applied here.

Okay. Wow. That's really cool to hear.

What an honor. And just like, I'm not like, we only, there's a couple more like, you know, silly things we got to do, but I'm pretty sure you're like, it's a lock for you.

Should I leave? Sorry. That was your last interview. This sucks to hear.

Yeah, please, please go.

So should I wait by the phone or? I mean, I just heard what you, I'll go.

Carl? Whatever. I'll see you. Bye. We just do a couple more.

By the way, I think that guy farted on the way out.

Okay.

It wasn't me on the way in.

You know what? It was me. We have fun here. There's a good culture here. This is a good culture for me. We laugh. This is the right fit for me. We just do some, sometimes some like unconventional, just like a fun little quippy thing that we do at the end of every interview. Yeah, it can be fun and quippy. What if you're not in love with your husband anymore and you're feeling really trapped in your life and you're just thinking about like buying a plane ticket and just like dyeing your hair blonde and just like getting the hell out of here like maybe going to Arizona like do you think yeah just like is it worth it?

Is it worth it?

Like, what if I, like, regret it and I just, like, see on Facebook that he found someone else and I'm like, shoot, I miss my boring fucking little life. And then I'm just like, what the fuck did I do? But also, like, I want to be in a convertible, you know? I want to be in a fucking convertible, man.

Yeah, I would say rent or lease if you're going to do a convertible because you really don't want to owe. They depreciate quick.

I hope that. Okay, welcome. Anything you see on the lot that's catching your eye? I saw you were kicking the tires of that Sebring.

Yeah, I kicked those tires really hard and now they're deflated.

Oh, okay.

Well, you should look into that.

Well, I can see they're wearing boots with a hidden blade on the toe. Should I go? I was his previous customer.

We don't let anything breathe.

I never will. We gotta move, move, move, move.

We're called reverse CPR. We're RPC because we never let anything breathe.

We're called, Erin's had two caffeine drinks within the hour.

Okay, cool. We are going to go back to a riddle book that you both hate.

See you flame, snuff it out, all day long you have good improv.

So if we've really enjoyed the riddles in the beginning part of the podcast, by the beginning part of the podcast I mean 50 minutes into the podcast.

I feel like those are all, we should do more listeners submitted because those were fantastic.

Those were fantastic and they truly were. I love it when people write their own. Speaking of writing their own, let's do some that were written maybe 35 years ago.

They're going to be about weird like, a computer's the size of a room.

Oh, this is fun. What do you think this one's going to be about?

Tommy pressed a button on one end of the room, walked 20 feet, and pressed a button somewhere else. What was he doing? Using a computer? That's right, in 1987, computers were your house.

I bet the answer's gonna be floppy disk.

The answer's more like, most people know that Venetian blinds are, and it's like, what are you talking about?

Why did the trains run on time? Mussolini?

Kevin was driving a car along a highway. A small TV set sat on the dashboard, and Kevin saw a phone that Kevin could see it screen. The theme music from Kevin's favorite TV show came on. At a police roadblock set up to screen and catch lawbreakers, a state trooper observed Kevin and his TV set, but did not warn or arrest him. Why not? Because he didn't steal it? What's going on?

Say it again.

What the fuck? Kevin's driving his car along the highway. A small TV set... Wait, hold on. Is that a clue along the highway? Not on the highway? No, it's not. A small TV set sat on his dashboard and Kevin could see its screen. The theme music from his favorite TV show came on and then at a police roadblock set up to screen and catch lawbreakers, a state trooper observed all of this but did not warn or arrest him.

The theme song came on the radio. The screen wasn't on.

That's gotta be it, right? Erin, you are absolutely correct. The theme song was... I'm sorry, not absolutely correct because she used a new-fangled word like radio, which could not be in this riddle. Oh wait, I think I know this one.

Making your way in the world today takes everything it got. And if you're through a party, Charles in charge of our days are known.

Cause suicide is painless. That's cheers. It brings on many changes. You know a 14 year old wrote that song? Yeah. The theme of the match? Robert Altman's son wrote that theme. Wow. When he was 14.

Fuck me.

And the lyrics are suicide is painless. Kids used to be way more grown up. Um, real quick, is the- Before the answer? Oh, you got the answer.

Was she right? Erin got the answer, but yes, she was right. Okay. Ostensibly she was right, yeah. A pocket-sized TV was set on top of the dashboard, and it was off. Kevin was listening to an audio cassette with his favorite show's theme music. What was the show? It says, why would anyone put their TV show theme music on a cassette?

I used to cruise around my town, listen to the cops theme.

Do you guys know the, have you ever seen the Netflix show explained? Yeah. Do you know the theme song for that for explained? I don't, I don't have it memorized. It's wonderful. It's like this like a weird, weird like low five bop of a song, but they put it on Spotify now. And so I'll walk around to our Google homes and be like, Google home. Can you play the theme song to the TV, to Netflix Explained? That's fantastic.

I watched the, um, Pig App?

The Pig App?

Is that, is that, that one and then the female orgasm one?

The female orgasm one, which I think is narrated by Rachel Bloom.

Yeah, and it took me like two minutes. I was like, who is it?

Who is it? It's so funny to me because I think Gemma's watched all of them. I've watched like three or four, but anytime I watch them or I walk into the room while she's watching one, It's the funniest

I like little documentary things, and that's kind of what that is. It's like little 25-minute documentaries. But a lot of the things that they tackle are like big things with no answers, like gene editing. And it's like, we can maybe do this in the future, and here's the implications of it. So when those end abruptly, I'm like, yeah, that's kind of it.

What do we do? Mr. Hackman, we took the scene out of the movie. Put me back. Gene editing. No one's going to come to Hoosiers if you take out. No one's going to see the replacements if it's all just Keanu Reeves. Well, John Favreau's in it.

A certain mechanical object is often made in several models by each of its manufacturers. Government regulations require that its retail sellers offer information that will allow part of the cost of operation to be calculated. From Each manufacturer, the models of the object offered can be ranked from least to most expensive. The cheapest model is relatively little to buy and operate and have simple controls. The most expensive models cost the most to operate and generally have the most elaborate controls. This is like a car manual. But the most expensive model is not necessarily the most effective at doing what it is designed to do. What is the object?

Car. Car?

No, it's not a car.

Woman.

Yeah, I was going to say Kathy Ireland, the most expensive model in 1987. Thank you.

That's when you stopped paying for that model prices magazine. That was the last issue.

Oh my God. I wonder how much.

Okay.

So this is a certain mechanical object. It's made in several different models. Usually the way it works is that the cheaper models have It costs relatively little to operate and they have simple controls. The more advanced models are more expensive. They're usually better at doing their job and they have more advanced controls. Is it a watch? But the most expensive model is not necessarily the most effective at doing what it is designed to do.

It's not a watch.

Really? Yeah, actually the watches that have all the intricate parts and that are super expensive are supposed to be like really great at keeping time. They actually are.

But the most expensive would be ones you wear because they're ornate. They have jewels or they have their limited edition.

Yeah, I love my jeweled watch. A very important woman.

I think it's like, yeah, watches are such a weird thing. It's all about status.

It's not watch though. Is this something that's still relevant as an item? Yes.

And this still works. It is still true today.

Is this something that is clean in Erin's apartment? Is it something that is clean in Erin's apartment?

Is it a microwave? It's not a microwave. I do think that most people have these in their apartment.

Is it a kitchen thing?

Toilet. Is it a kitchen thing? A toilet. That's gonna be an oldie but a goodie. A dead stop. What do you think a kitchen is? What does your kitchen look like?

In some IKEA setups, the toilets are close to the kitchen.

The toilet was the kitchen. I'm cooking up poop.

Sometimes you're drunk and you pee in your kitchen sink. But it's because you're drunk.

Is this a Randy Newman song? Sometimes you drink in the kitchen. I hate to do it. Do you guys want some clothes?

Yes. What room of the house would this be found in if somebody had it?

It could be any room. Does the difference in effectiveness relate to reliability or to relative availability of parts in case of a breakdown? No. So that's not a problem. No. Is an expensive model of the object significantly more likely to be stolen than a cheaper one making the cheaper one preferable in high crime areas?

No.

Can the elaborate controls be more easily misused than the simple ones? No. A baby? No, it's not a baby. It's not a remote. It's not a baby.

Get in my belly. It's something mechanical. Is it an electronic or is it just mechanical?

It's electronic. It's both mechanical and electronic, yeah.

And it would have been around in 1987, whenever this book was written.

It's not an alarm clock, and it would have been around like 1981 or whenever this book was written.

One of those workout machines with the band that goes around your tummy. And Ocelot's back and forth real fast. It's clinically proven to do something. You said almost everyone has one of these, right?

The Tickle 3000. I made one in my garage.

Everyone in old TV shows has one of these. Is it a vibrator? It's not a vibrator, no.

I want the expensive vibrator with all the controls. So the value, is the value not, like you can't observe value if you were to just look at two side by side?

You would. If you looked at them side by side, you'd be able to know which one is the more expensive one. And the one is more expensive for a reason. But it's not expensive. It's not necessarily the most effective at doing what it is designed to do just because it's the expensive model.

An Atari? It's something you wear.

It's not something you wear. It's something you'd find in a home.

Like an old person's home?

I'm sorry, a house or apartment, a condo. Hope is old. House isn't a home unless there's something over 80 living in.

Do you plug it in?

Yes, you would plug it in. It needs electricity.

Blender. No.

A light.

No, it's not a light. At this point, we're just going to guess everything's ever been made.

I don't know.

I don't know. Is there a hint you have?

I don't have it. Okay, so there are places in the world where you wouldn't have one of these, in the United States, that you wouldn't have one of these. Air Commissioner. Air Commissioner. The answer is air conditioner strap in because I'm about to read you this answer. An air conditioner. The models with the most cooling power have stronger motors and cost more than those with less power. But because they cool air substantially, only a small fraction of the air in a room needs to pass through the mechanism to cool a room by a specified amount. Most of the air in the room does not pass through the air conditioner as the room gets cool. What does pass through, it is sufficiently cold to cool the entire room. But as temperature goes down, relative humidity goes up, the dissolved moisture in most of the air is not removed, and a too strong air conditioner makes a room feel not only damp, not only cold, But also damp.

I want to see a scene. This will be our final scene for the episode. Erin, you have just come home to your condo. As you unlock your door and open it, you see JPC is a criminal, a robber who is trying to steal your air conditioner, but it has bit off more than he can chew. Come on.

Oh my God.

Oh my God. I live here.

Fuck you, dude. I live here.

Get out. It's worked. Hey, by the way, that's worked for me twice.

What are you even trying to steal? You're digging me through the wall. Did you take a hammer to my wall? What are you trying to steal?

Yes, I'm so sorry. Can I be level with you? Can I be perfectly honest with you? I am a crack addict. And I love crack so much and I want to buy some tonight. But I was going to steal your air conditioner and sell it for... There's Freon in here and that's...

I don't have a window unit. I don't have an air conditioner you can take and leave. It's like a part of the building.

Yes. Oh, that's what this is?

Oh my god.

This isn't a window?

Dude, I have like... Oh my god. Dude, I'm a diamond collector.

You're a diamond collector?

You fucking moron.

Look around. Okay.

Diamond painting. Diamond table.

Yes.

Diamond watch. Diamond necklace.

Every one of those things was too sharp. So when I tried to grab it, I didn't want to cut myself and this looked more expensive.

And you didn't want to take my TV?

Oh, that's a TV. Okay. See, I thought this was a window and that was a window, but that's a TV playing the movie rear window.

Or my very expensive dog that I take to dog shows.

Okay. Bro, I'm going to live forever.

This is Hitler's dog.

Blondie. It's seed. Erin, anything you want to plug?

Um, follow me, Erin Keif 10 on Instagram. There's so much stuff I'll be talking about over there soon.

Yeah, there's something that I would like to plug if that's even a fucking possibility. So we have live shows coming up. I believe when this is coming out, we'll have just gotten back from San Francisco and we're going to New York next month to do a live show. And if you don't live in either one of those places, you will be able to listen to recordings of those live shows, most likely, provided nothing goes terribly wrong, on our Patreon. So go to patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle. You can sign up there. We have bonus episodes on Fridays. And some of those bonus episodes soon will be those live shows.

Yeah, I want to plug, I was recently a guest on a scripted podcast called Creepy Podcast, sort of horror or sort of unnatural supernatural stories written. I was on an episode recently and played the devil, so please check that out. And also my thing this year, it's 2020 again, 2020 watch that ass I think is what I said.

That's what you said.

This year my thing is I fucking love lemons. So every month I'll be reviewing a new lemon. This month was Meyer. Check out Meyer lemons. Pretty tart.

And I got your email, Adal. Next month you said you wanted to review my car?

What is that? And then March is going to be Jack and just keep curving the lemons. So check that out. Erin of course, if somebody wants to buy a fresh lemon, certain produce markets do not have the freshest ones for the freshest ones you want to go to.

Jupiter!

Bye forever.

This has been Hey Riddle Riddle, created by Adal Rifai. Starring Erin Keif and John Patrick Coan. Casey Toney could be editing. And I already parented the A logo created by Emily Kargamis and Emily Nemours.

That was a Headcount podcast.