Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast. The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Oh, the mineral fish. It was the cannon of an airplane.

He stabbed him with the gun, so he went. That's the order of the Friday.

Some Puzzy once solved me. What were you going to do?

I just did a rid of me. I didn't know. Yeah. Some Puzzy once ripped me.

You said Puzzy first. Okay. All right. Okay.

Some Puzzy once ripped me. The world was going to solve me.

Oh solved me? I ain't the hardest rid in the box shed. From the top. Red box shed. Okay. One, two, three. Some Puzzy.

What? Am I the only one?

I thought we were going to take turns. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Have we started?

Hey me daddy, it's Hey Riddle Riddle. This is the second episode of the new year, 2020. I'm Adal Rifai. Perfect vision. I'm JPC.

And I'm Erin Keif.

Here's what I thought. 2020, there's the notorious saying hindsight is 2020. So the year 2020, stay with me, the year 2020 should be the year of hindsight. Look at that ass.

I'm looking through a ketchup bottle. hindsight.

57 esses. I always thought...

I always thought it was very funny to very casually say to someone, well, you know, hindsight's 50-50. Because they would either think that I'm like a very dumb person who's being casually dumb, or they would be like, oh, he's making a joke in like a not obvious way. I would do that a lot in like work situations. And one time I had a manager who goes, you mean 2020? And I was like, no, because it's either one way or the other way. I thought I saw it or I didn't.

I like you said telling a joke in a not very obvious way, which is just telling a bad joke. Yeah.

And also being casually dumb is sort of my thing.

Being casually dumb is very fun. My mom once told me a story that she dated a guy who she thought was very funny, and then a couple weeks into them dating realized she thought he was using big words ironically, incorrectly, and that's very funny, but then she realized he was just using big words incorrectly.

Oh, this meal is loquacious. Hey, I'm gonna pressy-digitate on the couch for a little bit. Wake me up in five minutes. I have had enough food to eat an ottoman. Actually, that holds. I love, uh, just the phrase being casually dumb is, would you say being casually dumb is very fun? Yeah, I don't sound like that. That's going to be my first tattoo.

Casually dumb is very fun.

Are we still on board? And we have it spelled wrong.

If you like casually dumb, you gotta check out our Patreon.

That's violently dumb.

Yeah, go to patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle. Check it out. Check it out. I don't know. Don't buy anything. 60 episodes over there.

Just browse.

Window shot maybe.

All of our best episodes are over there. And if you're over there, you know I'm right.

Um, do we still feel like we're going to get tattoos this year? Oh, in 2020? Was I drunk when I agreed to that?

I think we all said... We also said we were going to get the double dragon chest tattoo of the two dragons intertwined into one.

Again?

Yeah, over our other ones. You can never get a little scar tissue if you don't get a tattoo over a tattoo. Well, it is double dragons. You have to get two tattoos on top of each other.

2020, I'm seeing double dragons.

Otherwise you're a fucking phony.

Oh, man.

Yeah, we'll get tattoos. Erin, would you be on board?

It depends on what the tattoo is.

Well, here's what I'll say. Because we're casually dumb, we let social media vote on it.

If we get to 20,000 patrons, I will get any tattoo. I know that's not going to happen.

I'm agreeing to it. Would you get a group tattoo? Like one of us gets Hey, one of us gets Riddle, one of us gets Riddle. We talked about this and I want Hey. I'll give you hay. If you want hay, you should go to a horse farm.

I think we have done this. That joke? Yeah.

It's a good original. It's for horses.

Yeah, I will not have the word riddle on my body.

Where would we get hay and riddle or riddle?

Nipples.

You wouldn't have riddle on your body even if it was like a Tom Riddle thing? No. Would you have Lord Voldemort tattooed on your body?

Yeah, well, again? On top of my double dragon.

That's the best tattoo comment, apparently.

Again? Erin, what if you got the word milk? Uh... No. JPC got the word nipple and I got Fokker.

Is that fun? Yeah, the famous quote, milk nipple Fokker.

I only get milk if it's directly on my breast.

You know like our shirts that say Kevin, Susie, Puzzy? We should get one that says milk nipple Fokker.

No, no.

It's like the Beatles.

I don't know.

Yeah, just like the Beatles. That makes sense. Good times. I mean, we should say, I don't know if this ruins the illusion, David Copperfield, but we are recording on, this is December 11th?

I shouldn't say that. That ruins the illusion, David Copperfield.

Well, I just want to say that in case the Macaroys have stolen any of our quotes for the year. That makes sense. 2020, look at that ass. If they have that already, just know that we beat them to the punch. But they're friends of the show.

Yeah. Oh yeah. Unless it's a competition and then they... Unless something happened to the next mom. Oh God. Something happens in the new year. Do you mind if I get something out of the way? Yeah. Okay, cool.

Move that cup to the side. Are we ready? Well, it's my spitting cup.

Won't need this. Need all my spit from the words. I would just like to say happy birthday, Mariah.

I love you very much.

When is her birthday today? I don't know. I think it's like March. What is it? It's a barge.

Wait, is it a January baby?

Yes. She an Aquarius? Yeah, and she told me this, and I have no idea if this is correct because I didn't know what to Google, but is it possible that she can have Benjamin Button disease in age backwards? Because she's getting younger and I'm getting canceled. Oh, you have Benjamin Brat disease. I have Benjamin Brat disease? That's actually very funny because I bet he dates younger women. Should we Google that?

Did you know that Ben Bratt and Ben Platt are the same person just aging in opposite directions? Just squished together. Can I get something out of the way? Yeah. Happy birthday to my sister, Sadia Rifai. I love you very much. Well, what's your birthday? January 10th. Oh, Marise is the 8th.

Oh, wow.

So it is today? Yeah. And my little brother's was on the 5th, but we already missed it. So better luck next year, idiot. Is that Kevin? Yes, and Susie.

I have a question.

Sure.

What did you, I mean, assuming that you know, what are you doing for her birthday?

I don't know what we are doing. I don't think we've made plans plans. What are you getting her? I've already gotten her presents.

Why are you pointing to your finger? You're pointing to your ring finger.

It's the missing finger that I cut off.

I would love if a boy gave me a finger. It would be so cute if he gave me one of his fingers.

That can be taken a lot of different ways there.

I just gave you the finger. Ew, I actually don't.

Yeah, please don't do that. By the way, Erin, you're going to get DMs of your fingers now. Fingers for feet. I'm not for gifts. I don't typically wait for like a certain day to get a gift like for birthdays or Christmas I just because especially a lot of the gifts that I give are like practical gifts that you could use immediately. For my birthday you gave me a backflip. Well, yeah, but you didn't think I could do it. Happy birthday. So, all of the gifts, when they come, I just say like, this is your gift and here it is now and you can have it. But the one thing that I was trying to get for her was a weighted blanket because she said she's never had a weighted blanket. Have you guys ever had a weighted blanket?

That's on my Christmas list of things.

I own one and it's amazing. So you've used it? Yeah, I put it on my cat so they can't escape. I'll toss it on fries and brisket, and then they're meowing.

And I'm like, who's in charge?

I had to control something in my life.

And now I push them around these little chairs.

But the one that she was looking at had like crazy shipping, like it wouldn't come until like February or some shit. So I got a very different blanket that she also likes very much.

I'm shocked you didn't still order her that one and just say it's a weighted blanket W-A-I-T-E-D. Hey baby. What do you think? Because that seems like your brand. You think it's on the way or not? What do you think?

I'm really bad at giving gifts. Sean says I'm the worst at keeping happy surprises. So I'll buy him something and then 10 minutes later I'll be like, yeah, yeah, I got you this. I got you this present. And I'll be like, that's three months away. I was like, I don't care. I have to tell you.

What does keeping happy surprises mean?

Like good news, like good news, or just like I immediately I'm like, I got you a gift. I need to tell you.

Yeah. If you get a gift, I believe that like no pomp and circumstance. You get a gift, you should give a gift. Like you're, it's there to give. Yeah. Like, I don't know. I always felt like the arbitrary waiting was pointless.

Happy Surprises is Adam Sandler's production company. Happy Surprises. The first Christmas that Gemma spent with my family, we all, my whole family opens up our gifts, starting on like the 18th, we open like a present a day until Christmas morning, we have nothing. And she was shocked of like, how is this fun? I'm like, I don't know. Opening a bunch at once you don't appreciate it, but I'm like if we open one per day leading up to it or something like that's way more fun because you savor each present for like 24 hours before you get the next one versus all at once like I've seen videos of kids unwrapping 40 presents Christmas morning and at the end of it they're just like that's it and it's like you got 40.

An hour ago Adal gave me three birthday presents. That's true. So who's a hypocrite?

I haven't gotten you anything yet. Although I have you for Christmas this year, and I got you maybe the funniest gift I've ever... I don't know, because have you seen the gift that I got Adal for Christmas this year?

Have you two seen the gift that I got Erin? Because it might be the funniest gift.

Oh, I wonder.

Oh, it seems like maybe the fans will decide. Funny off.

I know mine's the funniest.

Let's all try to be offended when we open the presents.

I just know. I know. I crushed it.

Thanks for watching! It's your twin brother's incest. It doesn't matter.

But, you know, the two each their own.

But don't push your politics on meatball. Hey, it does matter. Speaking of, it does matter. I think it does matter that we do some riddles and puzzles on this podcast.

Truly thought this was a Patreon for the last 10 minutes. Totally forgot we were doing a regular episode. I'm so sorry.

That's why you're doing your Patreon voice. Can we hear your regular voice? Okay, I'm back. Now your Patreon voice? Here we go.

I'm Mickey, hi!

There's like four voices there. I spent so much money on improv classes.

And by improv classes, you mean you went and saw Jeff Dunham live? Yeah. Let's get into some warm-up readings and pussies. I'm just going to do a couple of these.

I always like it though that we frame it as, we're not really a riddle podcast, we're just a podcast that does more riddles than more podcasts. Yeah. So if there's two riddles in there, you're fucking lucky.

And we've got your emails and tweets and we know that you're upset and pissed and probably stop listening, but we don't care. Sure! We know we're losing listeners! We're hemorrhaging them. What sort of vegetable is highly unpopular aboard ships?

Uh, a pirate.

Excuse me?

That's a dessert.

What?

What sort of vegetable is highly unpopular aboard ships? Okay, what are some vegetables? Carrots. It's unpopular aboard ships?

Ooh, parrot. Highly unpopular. Highly unpopular aboard ships? Yes. Spaceships or boats?

Let's say boats. Would it not be unpopular aboard a spaceship?

Broccoli. It still would be, but I think it makes most sense aboard a pirate ship.

Is it asparagus because of what it does to the smell of your piss?

Potato. Jesus Christ. It's a vegetable, right?

What sort of vegetable is highly unpopular aboard ships? Veggie Table. Veggie Table. Tables have four legs. Give us a hint. Give us a hint. Give us a quiz. If this vegetable were aboard a ship, it might sink it.

Oh, a pomegranate.

So it's like a hole.

It's a play on words. It's a play on words for sure. So what does a boat not want to have? Water. Holes. How do you get water? Holes. Holes is not a way. Watermelon. But holes cause what? Ship damage. When you have a hole or crack, you start to... Flud? Sink. Okay, but those aren't vegetables. Okay. Wait, sink's not a vegetable?

Not with that attitude.

I want to see a scene. Okay. This is a dinner party with the three of us, and JPC, you have arrived. The goal is to eat healthy because we're all trying to get ripped in 2020. Look at that ass. And you, we're all supposed to bring vegetables, and you highly misunderstood what vegetables are.

Hey! Hey! Hey! You guys are already looking great. Oh, thank you so much. Seems like somebody got a jump start on the new year.

Yeah, I've been working hard.

I got some squash here, I got some cucumber.

I beat pizza out of eggplant, which is sort of fun and weird.

Gross. What are we doing? We said it's all going to be veggie dishes.

Which we thought you'd love because you're a vegetarian.

What veggies did you bring? I already eat vegetables, so I thought for the new year we were doing a different thing. What did you bring? I brought VHS copies of Veggie Tales. It's the Christian cartoon about vegetables.

But it feels like, did you tape over these tapes with something else?

We cut to just a small clip of Veggie Tales.

Oh David, oh Goliath is so tall. That's right, son. He's as tall as a cucumber.

Hi, this is JBC and this is my homemade porn. Um, take a hundred.

Please let me go.

Um, this is my twin brother. He's playing a dog. Um, and this is take a hundred from my homemade porn.

We didn't have to watch him. We couldn't have just eaten him. We didn't have to watch him. We didn't have to watch him.

So what type of vegetable is highly unpopular aboard ships? That would be leaks. What two keys cannot open any door?

Two keys of coke, baby. Unless you're talking about the door to your mind. No, no, no. Bono. What song was that? I doesn't matter.

You're right, it doesn't.

So what was it? It's a cookie. What two keys cannot open any door?

Music keys.

Francis Scott keys and... Piano keys. I mean, you're not terribly far off. This is another play on words. These are just dumb. Little jokes.

Okay, so these are two types of keys. Two types of keys. That can't open doors.

They cannot open doors.

Or is it two different types of keys? It's two different types of keys. Key and peel. And, but they can open now, can open doors professionally. Yeah. A lot of people. Peel especially. Oh yeah. Put keys. Put keys. I like them both.

Oh really?

Who's your favorite? Safe stance, Erin. Who's your favorite?

Key.

What two keys could not open any door? Um, I'll give you a hint. Went to, keys stand before you, spin doctors. I'll give you a hint on one of them. And in the morning, I'm making waffles.

Donkey.

A donkey.

Eddie Murphy? Okay, a donkey and donkey hotel. Uh-huh. Key in their garden. A monkey and a donkey.

Oh. Oh, wait a minute. Okay, I want to see a scene. What's up with kindergarten? You are a monkey, J.P.C., and you're a donkey, and you too- What's the scene about- Are you a hypnotist? Yeah, oh, sorry. And you two are just like, you both work at like a regular office, and you're getting a little bit frustrated that people don't think you're capable of doing basic things.

And who is what? I'm a monkey. Monkey, donkey. You're a donkey.

Having some water?

Yeah, kind of thirsty.

Thursday's right?

Because I ate all these waffles.

Hey man.

Yeah?

You gotta chill with that.

Oh, I'm a donkey.

I know, we're trying to blend in though.

It's nice to see myself represented on screen. This is my favorite movie, Shrek. Well, I also like Shrek 2, Shrek the Hulse. Shrek back in business, Shrek my daddy, Shrek king crew.

I mean, Dunston checks in, Dunston checks out. Justin checks out your mom. Porn version.

Porn version. Can we talk about porn at work?

I saw this porn as this guy. What are you talking about monkey donkey porn?

The one I saw was this guy and his twin brother was barking.

We have to talk about this. We have to talk about this. It's bullshit that no one takes us seriously just because I'm a monkey and you're a donkey.

Yeah, I'm treated like a real ass.

Yeah. I'm treated like a real... I'm a shampoo.

Yeah, people, can I tell you? Uh-huh. People call you outbreak around their office. What's that? People call you outbreak around their office.

Oh, come on!

Really? Because you're face, because you're acne.

I'm on Accutane. I'm trying my best. It's not for monkeys.

Oh, okay. Yeah, it's tested on monkeys, maybe.

Maybe.

Yeah, maybe.

Can I say that? Sure, it's totally fine. I mean, it really, it truly is. It's an epidemic. It's a problem.

Here's, for me, you know what? I have Donkey from Shrek, who doesn't even have a name. Just call Donkey, right? Yeah. Of course, my name is... Oh boy oh boy. And I also have Eeyore.

Your name is... What's my name? Do you know my name?

I want to say Glenn Close.

No, it's not Glenn Close. It's Glenn Closer. Oh boy.

Oh boy, okay, let's get into our main course, our tasty full-on 32-ounce riddies and puzzles.

Wait, did we get that last one?

Was it two keys of cocaine? Sure.

I'm ready. I'm gonna have a really good attitude.

What flies when it's born, lies when it's alive, and runs when it's dead? A Slytherin. What flies when it's born, flies when it's alive, and runs when it's dead? Does diarrhea run when it's dead?

I don't need you as a part of my life.

I don't need you love, diarrhea.

Don't bring six into this.

Why not?

Okay, I'm gonna figure this out.

Sometimes I dance really hard to six when I'm at home and spaghetti gets really upset.

Which is your favorite song?

I don't know any of the songs.

Yeah. I like the first one.

The other day I actually turned on the sing-along version of Six, which is just the music and then the background parts in it, if you've never heard that.

Oh my gosh, I'm going to do that in the shower.

Yeah, I mean, absolutely do, but I was not prepared for it. So I was just like... And then whatever, I don't know any of the lyrics of this musical that I've heard a thousand times. It's never stopped you before. Sure. But it's just like whatever the background music is. It's a fun sing-along. Listen to it.

Give it a hoot. What flies when it's born, lies when it's alive, and runs when it's dead?

I want to see a battery.

Okay. Great.

Explain the flies part.

Batteries fly because they have acid. Acid. So they trip? Trips. What flies when it's born, lies when it's alive, and runs when it's dead? Flies when it's born.

Lies when it's alive and runs when it's dead. Is this about baseball? Nope. There's enough words in there for it to be about baseball. Fly, run.

Just because you're having sex during this riddle doesn't mean you have to guess baseball for everything.

Is this thing like an animal or something that actually is alive?

It's not an animal. No, it's not alive. It's not alive. So it says flies when it's born. To my knowledge, I'm sure there's going to be two listeners who are like, actually... So it's a plant? To me, it's not alive. It's not a plant. It's obviously not really born. Like? Is it created? Is it born of a man and a woman? It's created to some degree. Do humans create it? No, nature.

It's a fart. It's rainbow.

Yeah, Erin's getting closer. Did you say fart? Uh-huh. Even warmer.

Cloud wind.

You're far away, but... Yeah, yeah, it's getting warmer.

What was yours? Cloud wind.

It comes from a cloud. Rain? Rain. It's a type of... Snow. It is a snowflake. It flies when it's born, lies when it's alive, and runs when it's dead. And melts the fucking smallest sign of criticism. Snowflake. I want to see a scene. Erin, you're going to be the titular character in the made-for-TV movie, The Life of a Snowflake. And we're going to see you be born, live, and die all within just a few minutes. And JPC, you're going to play another snowflake who's just fucking crazy, I guess. I don't know. Whatever you want. What do you fucking want from me? Just insert yourself in the scene. You don't need to give whatever you want or however you want. I don't care. Sure. This is Erin's stuff. I could be the narrator.

I'm alive. I have self-awareness. I can talk. I'm a snowflake.

Oh, the snowflake. The pretty little snowflake.

I'm falling. I'm falling from what? Wait, you're a snowflake. You look a little different from me.

You can see me?

Yeah.

Oh, I thought... okay.

How long do I get to live?

I don't know.

10 years? 20 years? 30 years?

Why would I know that? I'm... Oh my god, I'm a snowflake too. So I could be falling from the sky to my death.

Are we gonna die?

What?

Oh my god. I just I just learned how to be alive.

She said the two of them realized. Hey that guy over there might have some information. Snowflake. You can see me. Yes, you're another snowflake. Yes. Oh no.

We all come out with a realization that we're some sort of behind the scenes benevolent octopus.

Snowflakes all from the sky.

No, you're doing it now.

What?

You're just doing it now.

And she realized that she was... Hey, it's Morgan Freeman! He's a snowflake! You fucking liberal snowflake. Wait, you're a snowflake?

I should be watching penguins.

Oops. Oops, all penguins. So we solved that one, right? Yeah. Here we go.

The snowflake was the answer.

Yeah, that's right. Here we go. Next one. How can you add three to ten and get one as the answer? How can you add 3 to 10? And 2 is spelled T-O. How can you add 3 to 10 and get 1 as the answer? And 2 again is spelled T-O, it's not the number. 3 is the loneliest number that you've ever known.

2 can be as bad as 1.

Has anybody watched Magnolia recently? Not recently, but I've thought about it. I've listened to the soundtrack. Her soundtrack to that is fucking awesome. I'm assuming it does. It's three and a half hours long and features a bunch of people who are now deceased, so why wouldn't it? All that.

Tom Cruise.

Tom Cruise. That guy's gone. Took a spaceship right to Zee-boo. We may see him cancelled because of his wife. Uh-huh. Was he in on that? On the cheating scam? Yeah. I don't think so. I don't think he got any jail time for it.

Hmm.

I think it was just her that got like four days in jail or whatever. Ooh, four days. Yeah. Quiz Kid Donnie Brasco.

Um, three, ten, one.

Oh, three, ten to Yuma. Erin, you repeated the question. Yeah.

So it's like, the whole is one. So it's like, it becomes... If you add three to ten, you get 13.

Take me to the hospital. Erin, we're already here. If you add three to ten, you get 13 and there's a one in 13. So there you go.

Yeah, tough guy, you fucking solved it. Here's your Popeye's Hot Chicken Sandwich.

Ooh, so hot, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. What's the answer?

How can you add three to ten and get one as the answer? Hmm, how can you add three to ten?

So, if you are getting a prison sentence for three to ten, with good behavior, you'll be out in one. Is that the answer? Say yes. It's an answer.

Great, then I got it. It's not the answer. Then I'm done. So don't think in terms of math... Don't think, I know what you're posin'.

It's not math?

It's not math. I mean, in a sense, but it's not like the way you're thinking.

Oh, it's time.

Erin, badaboom, she got it. How can you add three to ten to get one as the answer on a clock? Nice. Erin? I don't need to go to the hospital. I thought you were on the injured reserve list. You came out on the field Rudy style. The blood came back into Erin's nose.

Wow, I'm as surprised as anyone that I figured that out. When it's on a clock.

That's like when was six afraid of seven.

How do you make the number seven even without adding, subtracting, multiplying, or dividing it? You turn it.

You have seven killed the guy, killed his wife, and now we're even.

Now we're even. I will never see that. How can you make the number seven even without you can't add, you can't subtract, you can't multiply, you can't divide. I think Casey knows this one. Casey gave a look, I thought. We have a little water spray bottle that we spray easy anytime Casey. Hold on, I'm going to grab the mic and rub Casey's nose in it. The one rule is when we directly address you and we say, we think you have something to say, you never speak. Wait, when I rubbed his nose in the mic, it was like a nice ASMR song. New podcast, spin off.

You leave your humanity at the door.

So, how do you make seven even? Isn't seven already even?

I want to see a scene. The two of you are, this is, have you both seen like Good Will Hunting Your Beautiful Mind? Yes. Where there's always like a scene where it's like the teacher and the student are two colleagues and they're writing on these big chalkboards and they're finishing each other's equations. They're finishing each other's base matches. I like base ones. And that's the kind of thing you're doing, but you both don't know what you're doing and you're faking it.

If you switch all the letters with numbers, all of the numbers is a cipher Hold on. And then what? Look at this.

Okay.

Turn the board upside down.

Upside down.

Mm-hmm. And then I do a handstand. Oop.

Oh, yes, it's Cypher from The Matrix. Yes. Now, if he were to keep eating the steak and never knowing what was happening, Tanka Dozer would still be alive.

Oh my gosh. Okay. Well, hold on. I'm gonna throw this vase at the chalkboard. And that did nothing, which proves to me.

Which proves to you. And look how the pieces shattered. They're shattering on the floor as a mosaic. Mosaic. Seven letters.

Seven. Seven. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Seven is how you count to seven, which is crazy.

We should order more weed.

Okay. Okay. And I hear what you're saying.

But then, what if... I'm too hot, I'm going to take my pants off, I'm going to put them on my head. That's going to regulate my heat, make me flow much better.

The two mathematicians continued to try and solve. How do you make the number seven even without adding subtract and multiplying or dividing it? Is it something like you fuck his wife or something like that? Why do you think that's the answer to everything? Hey, it's got to be on a lot of jabs. Did you say you slept with a married woman before?

I need you to tell that story. On my girlfriend's birthday you want me to tell that story? Yes I do.

You motherfuckers.

Yeah, I do.

You know she listens. No, she doesn't. That's amazing.

She does not listen to this.

Gemma just showed me this today. Do you guys watch Big Brother? No. There's a season, two seasons ago maybe, there's someone who, it's all about like manipulation and gameplay and like psychological warfare and pretending to be friends and all this stuff, just to have people in the back. And somebody did something to a woman in the house that she thought was unfair, like he called her a liar or something. And she started crying and screaming and she goes, on my daughter's birthday? And everyone's like, we didn't know it was your daughter. Somebody made a shirt on Etsy that just says in all caps on my daughter's birthday. So we should do on my girlfriend's birthday.

That big brother thing, like the weird fucking dynamic things that you would do. So I grew up with two brothers, which neither one of you had brothers. I have half brothers. So, my two brothers, we would, like, the way that we would fight the revenge things that we would do to each other were the wild, like, one of the big threats that we would do was, I'm gonna pee in your room.

You said at your dad's place you all shared a room, right?

Yeah, but at my mom's place we had separate rooms.

So just to say like, I'm going to pee in your room.

That's the best threat I've ever heard.

Would it be said like, and you all would laugh or was it like tensions are high? No, no, no.

That was like, tensions are high. Like, I know that I'm losing now, but what you can't stop me from doing is going into your room when you're not there and peeing in it. That's what you can't stop.

The worst things I've ever said out loud were things I said to my sisters. Like I would wait till they got dressed and ready to go to a party and they were about to leave the house and I'd say that they looked ugly and that no one would ever date them.

Holy shit.

Yeah. It's like younger sister stuff.

Yeah.

You get it.

And Erin, you once slept with a married woman, right?

If only.

No one's ever asked me. That's wild that Erin would say that to her sisters right before they left the house, and as soon as they got to the party, that's what they would hear me say to them.

Hey, you're ugly. No one's ever going to date you. Have a drink. Brett's in the corner. Good luck. How do you make the number seven even without adding subtracting and multiplying? We haven't got this fucking riddle yet? Just tell us. Okay, hold on. How do you make the number seven even?

You put it on a level.

I mean, no.

I don't know.

Break its arms. So picture in your mind's eye. Take its legs. Or even write it down. Picture the word seven. Oh, it is even. S-E-V-E-N. Well, it's almost even. What do you have to do to it?

Oh, you have to take the S and the...

Oh. Oh sweetie.

Yeah, you just rearrange the letters.

Take the S and the N off?

Oh, take the S off?

Take the S off. Just take the S off. I had it fucking right! James, can you say this for a second? I had it right! Erin, be here with me right now. Erin, be here with me right now.

Just take the S out. That's what I said and then you re-arranged the book.

You said re-arranged the letters. You said re-arranged the letters. You said re-arranged the letters.

You said re-arranged the letters. You said re-arranged the letters.

You said re-arranged the letters.

You said re-arranged the letters. You did like the oh sweetie face and I was like am I?

I thought you said re-arranged the letters.

I did after you said I'm putting in my two weeks notice. If you have two weeks that I'm warning you, I'm going to hunt you in two weeks for sport.

Okay. So this is a, I want to see a scene right before we go to break. This is a scene from a Netflix movie called Two Weeks Notice. It's framed like a romantic comedy, but what it is, is it a woman delivering a man a notice that she will kill him in two weeks?

Knock, knock.

Oh.

Flower delivery.

Oh, that's great. You can just put them on the table if you don't mind.

Oh, interesting. You let me in your house.

Oh, are you a vampire? No. Are you?

You wish I was a vampire.

I don't.

You have. You have two weeks.

Oh, is this like a ring situation? You have two weeks. Is this like a ring? Do I watch like a VHS tape of like a guy making a- No, no.

Just live your life. And I'm gonna hunt you.

What are you, T.I.?

And I'm gonna kill you. What? I'm gonna find you and I'm gonna hunt you.

I'm right here. Wait bro, so you're telling me you have two weeks to make this girl fall in love with you? Yeah, I have to make her two weeks in the knees. And you're sure you understand the situation as she was explaining it to you? Absolutely not. Well buddy, look, I just own and operate this sub-sandwich shop and all I know is that I'm gonna help you do whatever you gotta do.

Will you be my best man?

I'm not getting married. Hey, whether it's a baseball game or a marriage ceremony, I'm there for you my man.

Oh this is weird, I can still see myself in the mirror. Nah, it didn't work. Huh?

I didn't do the right bow in Erin now.

You just removed the letter F?

F. Oh, sweetie.

Seven. Remove the letter F and you get, uck you. Erin, you get even. Can we do an episode that's oops all Erin's? How would that go? I think Erin does her regular voice and then the two other voices she did at the top of the show. Oh, I thought we were going to get to play characters like Erin Neville. Oh my god.

You should do it.

I'll be Erin Carter. No, I'll be Erin Neville. You be Erin Carter. Come and get it. And then Erin, you be Erin Keif.

Okay, we're the 9th?

This is going to take us to break. This will be the 32nd episode of Oops All, Erin's. Okay.

People around the podcast, come and get it. Party, party people, here we go. Here with Erin Keif.

This is somehow an improvement from JPC. Party people, party people, party people. You know what, never mind. I want my boys back.

And that's how I beat Shaq. It will be right back after this break.

Yes, Adal, Erin, come into my laboratory. Come in, come in! Oh, is this about the Monster Mash?

No, no, no. This is, it's early in the morning.

Oh, you're working in your lab?

Early in the morning, yes. And I wasn't up all night.

Look at all these chemicals in beetroot.

Why do you have dancing shoes when you're doing the Monster Mash?

No, no, it's not about that. That's a different thing. Look, I have been creating something in my lab. I call it the Triple Helix. It's a brand new strand of DNA. Isn't that also an ice skating move?

Isn't that also the name of our favorite mattress?

What, ice skating move? No. Okay, good, because their mattresses are horrible. Ice skating move mattress is the best.

Well, they're ice.

They're ice. They're all ice. What? You think, oh no, I've done it again. I've invented something that already exists. The Helix mattress. Hold on, I'm getting a text from a king. Yeah, take your time.

Oh, it looks like you said, I sleep on a Helix mattress.

Well, he's actually, he's asking me what kind of mattress he should sleep on and what do you say?

Your thing.

He should take a sleep quiz. The copy. He should take a sleep quiz because Helix sleep can match him in only two minutes to his body type to have him know his sleep preferences and find the perfect mattress for him.

What if he's a side sleeper? Hot sleeper.

Yeah, I was going to say, here comes the hot sleeper.

What if he likes a plush bed or a firm bed?

With helix there's no more confusion and no more compromising on an average mattress. You can get all of those features and more. They could even split down the middle if the king has a queen.

I bet it hasn't won any awards though.

Yeah Doc, can I just say I only do the best of the best, which is why I'm wearing caviar. Yes, and it has won awards.

Number one best overall mattress pick of 2019 by GQ and Wired Magazine. And those two never agree on anything. Yeah, ones for smart people and ones for fashionistas. Uh-huh, they're both for people who love mattresses. So if you want a mattress, like one that I've cooked up in my lab, go to helixsleep.com slash Riddle, take their two-minute sleep quiz, and they'll match you to a customized mattress that will give you the best sleep of your life.

Where do I go?

Helixsleep.com slash Riddle. And right now, you can get up to $200 off. All you have to do is go to helixsleep.com slash Riddle. That's R-I-D-D-L-E. Why is there a Frankenstein here? Okay, let's all do the Monster Mash. All right. It's Helix sleep. We did the Helix sleep.

The Helix sleep.

It was a graveyard sleep. The Helix sleep. No more counting sheep.

The Helix sleep. Should we compare sleeping to dying? No.

It's basically sleeping as dying. And we're back.

And that's how we beat back.

We really just settled into this.

This is a cookie. Here's what I want to do in 2020. We talked about our goals. I also want to get rid of a bunch of stuff. Can we do like a hey rummage rummage sale?

A rummage rummage sale? Do you have stuff you want to get rid of? You know me.

My issue is I just purge all of my stuff. Because I moved. So I could have done a hey rummage rummage.

Did you donate it? Did you give it away? Did you sell it? Give it away, give it away, give it away.

I donated a lot of clothes. I sold some clothes. It was mostly clothes. And then I threw out a lot of stuff. You know what I did find when I moved? I had a little box of any love notes I've ever received or cards or anything from ex-boyfriends and I almost brought it with me and threw it away.

Did you find it or did Sean say, what the fuck is this?

John, I actually didn't tell him, but he wouldn't care.

October 10th, 2019. This fucking sucks.

Wait a minute. Ow. Um, yeah, but I was like, Ooh, I wonder if I should keep this. So one day my kids know that I was like young and romantic and wild or... And dating Taryn Killam, right? Yeah, if only. Um, no. And, but I was like, none of these are that funny or interesting.

When we moved in together, Mariah found a drawer and she said, what's in this drawer? And I said, this is my sentimental drawer. And she said, what do you want to do with it? And then I threw it as hard as I could into the sun. Oh my God.

It's like Greek mythology.

No, I, I famously, I, my place is pretty Spartan. You guys have been in my place, but we, the only things that we have are like the things that we keep.

I sat on my own heels and I drank imagination.

Can I offer you some nothing, my wundertarium?

And for listeners to be, just for listeners, because I don't want to shatter the illusion. When Japson invited us over, he was just on the sidewalk and he invited us into his mind palace.

He said, would you like to come over for a tea party? And he had to like play along.

Step inside his mind palace, quote unquote.

Welcome to mind palace.

I love Florida. Just a little peek behind the curtain.

How's he gonna warn me? Goddammit!

Just a little peek behind the curtain. Both your places are like a perfect spatial representation of who you are as people. I've not been surprised going into either of your apartments.

My apartment is covered in chocolate stains.

JVC's place is like so clean and peaceful and like modern looking and feeling.

You didn't go to my blood room though, did you?

I stayed exclusively in the blood room. You mean the bathroom?

Whoa. You see, she both said doctors.

I would never want to get cleaned in the blood room. I'm not trying to get clean in a bathroom.

I only piss in bedrooms because that's what my brothers taught me.

And Adal's place feels like a very cozy, like it feels like it's set up to play board games. Like it has that vibe. You have like, just like it's very cozy.

And it smells like someone threw up in there and then forgot about it for a long, long time. That would be Fraser Brisket. And Erin... You haven't been to my place yet.

We haven't been to your place.

Yeah, Erin's place kind of reminds me of a toilet that doesn't work and no one told me about it.

That's true. Did you ever go there before?

I've been to Sean's place, yes.

Okay, I made it so much better, but isn't that a nice place?

It is a very nice place. That's a nice building. It's got a doormat.

How's that microwave doing?

Still clean?

Clean as a whistle. Still clean? So nobody's used it?

Adal! We have a little cover now.

What kind of... Sean can't get into the cover.

I have a child locked up on the door.

It's like Zoolander beating the computer. Wait, I could have done that for the monkey character. Fucking idiot. What kind of stuff are you trying to get rid of?

Books. Mostly. Books, some clothes, and then like I have a lot of like skulls and bones and like a lot of weird stuff.

Fill the clothes, put the skulls on top of the book clothes.

I'll dress up the skulls with shirts and then send them out on their way with a book. Educate yourself, get a job. So if you two have nothing to get rid of, I'll do my own Hey Robin Trummage.

I would like to be the auctioneer.

I'll do my auctioneer character. We'll say nothing is more than a dollar. But tweet at me and if you come to World News, I'll give you something. I need to get rid of stuff.

You should, I'm not even sure if this is the kind of stuff that you can sell on like LetGo or Facebook Marketplace, but when I moved into my new place like I had like four TVs and so I was just selling them all on Facebook Marketplace. I fucking love that. I love negotiating with people. I should maybe hire you to just do a list. The art of the deal. I've often thought about like, wouldn't it be a fun career to... Wouldn't it be a fun career? Marie Kondo people, like just to go and declutter people.

Without asking their permission.

No permission. I would be like a significant other would hire me to break into their like boyfriend's house and get rid of all the stuff that he doesn't need.

Okay, I want to see a scene. Erin and I are a couple. Yes. And Japes, you are John Patrick Condo. Okay. And you are... I love it. You've married Mary Condo just to be able to have the last name. So you're John Patrick Condo and you're helping us.

On his girlfriend's birthday.

Hey, excuse me, you guys going home? Why are you? How'd you get in the dishwasher?

God, did you empty out the dishwasher for the purpose of this?

What's going on, sweetie? What's going on?

This is a dishwasher, just so you know. I'm John Patrick Coan, I'm Marie Coan's ex-husband. Ex-husband?

Why do you still have her last name? What's that? Why do you still have her last name?

No, I made her take my last name. She has my last name still. Okay, that doesn't... Her last name was, like, Frankl or something. Careful. Careful. Come on, I'm John Patrick Coan though. I'm not gonna get cancelled over this shit. I broke into your dishwasher because I'm gonna help you refine your life, better life, happier, homeless, clutter. That sounds pretty good.

Some of the things you're gonna get rid of.

First off, this guy could lose 25 pounds. What the fuck? Fuck you! I'm sorry, you could also lose a lot more. Oh my god! Listen.

Bridget, let's listen.

Bridget, Michael, I'm assuming, just from the Irish way that you look. Yeah, well, Mike, but Michael for long. I'm going to help you simplify your life. Between the two of you, how many jobs do you have?

Well, between the two of us, one and a half.

I have one main job and a side hustle, yeah. Okay, cut that down to one.

You both have two thirds of a job.

Cut that down to one. You're going to want one main job, the other one's going to be the fixer in the relationship. Are you familiar with Pulp Fiction? No. Yeah. Yeah, Mr. Wolf is a fixer. So do you guys paint houses? Well, I'm familiar with the movie.

I didn't fucking memorize it.

Who's this now? Aren't you not supposed to try to fix your partner? You're just supposed to love them for who they are.

Never fix a partner. You always fix a project. And what are you dating? If not one big walking, talking project. Okay.

Can I ask you something? Sure. Why should we listen to you? Because you're currently wrapped up in a twister mat and that's all you're wearing.

No, I'm not wrapped up in a twister mat. I have a twister mat elegantly tied. Around my body. De-simplified. Decluttered. Marie Kondo took all of my clothes to the divorce. That's fine. They're still folded up very nicely in doors that I can't.

Right foot green. Oh!

Oh!

Ooh, that feels good. Yeah, let me know if you want some of my stuff. I need to get rid of it. Great. Take my junk. Riddles. Take my junk. Let's put that out of the chair. Take my junk, please. All right, let's get back into the riddies and puzzies. What can be written, spoken, broken, or exposed?

A secret.

No. Close. You're on the right path. I promise. Still on the right path. Written. Spoken. Broken. Or exposed. Written. Spoken. Broken. Or exposed. What can be written, spoken, broken, or exposed? Your butt. Both of you repeat that back to me at the same time and really over-annunciate. Spoken. Broken.

Broken.

Or exposed.

What can be written, spoken?

A name.

Broken.

Silence. Your mom.

A bone.

A bone.

Nope. So is the first one, you can write the word, the second one is you can say the word, because that applies to anything. You can write and say anything.

No.

What's that?

There's some words I can't spell.

We get it, you're a John Cusack fan.

In your eyes, the pus, the rid? Your eyes.

All my instincts.

I love that part.

I love that song.

There was a girl in high school who said that was her favorite song. And I was like, when I was in high school, without just interviewing high school girls. Hey, what's your favorite song?

And you judged her, for that being her favorite?

Yeah, in high school. Everyone's favorite song was Brown Red Girl. I guess so.

I know this because Sean and I leading up to the Patreon episode we did with our significant others. We were quizzing each other on all of our favorite things so we could cheat the game. And he told me his top three favorite songs and that's one of his top three favorite songs.

Brown and Girl?

No.

Oh. By Peter Gabriel? Yeah.

I think the other two are.

Slush Hammer's a way better song.

One is a who song? Who? Yeah.

Quadra-fina?

Yeah. The Who? What's that famous who song that has a weird title for what it is?

That could, oh, it's yellow, red, or green. It's the, um, fuck. I just saw them live in LA. What was the, um, shit?

Everyone knows what I'm talking about though.

Yeah, but everybody thinks that the chorus is, what is it? Bob O'Reilly. Yeah.

Spry, spry, spry, spry.

Shut the fuck up Casey. I don't think I told the story. I went and saw My friend opened for The Who at the Hollywood Bowl, so I went out to LA to see them perform. And my friend got me backstage passes for me and Joey Romaine. So we go backstage. We're hanging out back there. And who's the Aisha Tyler? We're hanging out backstage, and Joey has a massive red beard. And this woman comes running by. She's in the legit run, and she's wearing all leather. And she comes up to me and like touches my beard and comes over to Joey and like runs her fingers through her beard and she goes, his beard's better to Joey. And I go, oh, hard agree. And she's like, but your beard's okay, but your beard seems like it didn't get enough love for dad, but his beard. And she did like a five minute routine and she kept doing and saying all this stuff and like touching us and all this weird stuff. And then she leaves and I go, Who the fuck was that person? And Joey's like, holy shit, that was Aisha Tyler. And then I look over and it's Aisha Tyler. It's very weird.

That's amazing.

Was she... Why didn't you get it?

I was trying to think of the right way to phrase that, but thank you.

Something was going on. She was very happy. Back to this riddle. Oh, Erin, what was Sean's third favorite song? Bob O'Reilly, In Your Eyes.

I think it might be... It was something that I made fun of him for it being basic. Oh, I think it's an Adal song. I think it's someone like you. Dude, you're getting Adal. Which he loves.

That was his favorite song in high school?

No, these are his favorite songs.

Does anyone want to have a favorite song in high school? I really loved Jimmy's Chicken Check. What do I do? You ever hear that song? No.

What is that?

I had bad taste of music in high school. How does it go? It's like a... Don't make the bed up straight. I always stay up late.

What do I do?

What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?

I think in high school I was listening to like Rylo Kiley and Radina Spector like hotel song and then also I listened to like Nothing Better by Postal Service like every day my freshman year of high school being like I can't wait to break up with someone. I can't wait till I break someone's heart. Someone's gonna love me so much that when I break up with them they're gonna be really sad just like alone in my trampoline listening to that song.

I was all over the map in terms of like classic rock, some amount of like Sublime and Jimmy's Chicken Shack and stuff, and then a lot of rap.

Yeah, it should come as no surprise that my favorite song in high school was Dead Prez's Hip Hop. Oh my god. One thing about music, when it hits you feel no pain. White folks say it controls your brain. I don't know better than that. That's game. What can be written spoken, broken, or exposed?

I don't know. Written. Spoken. What can be written, spoken, broken, or exposed? Can we see a scene, Erin? Just the way that I'm announcing that makes me think of Mary Poppins. Can you be Mary Puzzies? And we're two kids who don't want to go to bed and you're trying to teach us lessons by telling us riddles.

A job that must be done. There is an element of fun. Every job, Mary Puzzies? Yes, every job. And tonight your job is to enter some basic riddles. Raise your hand in your bed, sleepy boys, if you will remember any riddles. I don't want to.

I wish I had father's job fighting the war against those nasty British.

No, you don't. Our father's a spy for the Germans. When our father gets home... When he hears about what you've done...

And this is World War I, let's say. Not the... I don't know what will happen next.

The Great War.

Our father's fighting in the Great War. He's fighting in the Great War.

And he says he's what makes it great, Mary Puzzies.

I am going to sing you a song to sleep, because I've had just about enough of you today.

Was that the song?

The doctor was the mother. This is derivative. This song is good, but everything else is bad.

What's the answer? I gotta know. What can be written, spoken, broken, or exposed? The answer, my dear friends, is news.

News can be exposed?

Sorry, nudes. Nudes. It's news.

Expose the nudes. Expose the nudes.

Try not to take nudes, they could ruin your life.

Yeah, try not to take nudes.

Try your best, they could ruin your life.

I don't know. Has anyone's life truly been ruined by nudes? Yes. Jennifer Lawrence? Who?

That's traumatizing.

Well, okay, that's true.

Yeah, you get like PTSD from that. That's like the most frustrating horrible.

Yeah, what about Naked Frank? Remember they used to just call him Frank and now he's Naked Frank?

I also think that that's your life being ruined by having your, like, nudes leaked and exposed. But I think that there are plenty of happy people that have taken nudes. Let's do this.

We won't don't mention names, but in studio, if we're comfortable with it, raise your hand if you've sent nudes. Send nudes? No, I, uh, I once said- No one raised their hand.

I've never sent nudes. I've had someone- I've had someone send me nudes before, and I was like, oh- Unsolicited? No, no, no. Well, I guess- Hey.

Like, I'm sure many of you out there who've had abusive boyfriends, I had a boyfriend who said, you don't love me if you don't do that. And then I was like, I think we should maybe break up. Yeah. And I was like, yeah, you're right. I don't.

Oh my God, I don't love you.

Those aren't, they don't mean that they're both true. But in this case, these are both true. I do not love you.

Maybe that guy was just really perceptive.

He was, he could tell. He also could tell I was in love with Sean and he was so mad about that.

I'm not a good guy if you won't send me nudes. Oh no.

Oh, shoot, shoot, shoot.

Crap, crap. What do people spend a lot of money on? A little boop, beep, bop, bop, bop. Nope, I want to see a scene.

Adal, you're here to borrow a car from Erin. You're going to try to pay with mud.

Welcome to Lamborghini's RS.

Can I be honest? What's up? I love the cars here. Some of the best cars of the year. Cards? Best cars of the year.

Are you saying cards?

Yeah, best cars of the year. Cars. They're fast cars.

Cars.

But the names are terrible.

Lamborghinis?

Lamborghinis are us. Bad name. Because when I think of toys, I mean Lamborghini's toys.

Well, you don't sell toys, we sell Lamborghinis to rich people.

Alright, how many jars of mud are you gonna take?

Sir, what do I need to get- How many jars of mud are you gonna take? Is that a euphemism? Is that like a fun little folksy term for hundreds of thousands of dollars?

That's not mud.

Sir, we need American currency to get you one of these. Just to get you in one of these cars.

This is from Swamps, Arizona.

When you hear the engine start purring in the... Go ahead and turn on a car. Vroom vroom. And now I'll turn it on. Thank you for taking your hips. Hum num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num Yeah, so I think maybe you should pay me a couple hundred thousand dollars and drive off this lot with this pretty baby.

Okay. Well, I'm gonna bring in my brother here. This is JP Riddle.

Hold on now, hold on. Are you canonically my brother? Because you're even fucking crazier than I am!

My name is Mud Derek.

This whole time Mud Derek's been living in a nice house with two kids, and I'm out here living in a tree eating beans out of a can? This is bullshit! I demand a retrial!

I should have been named Muddy Guy.

What do I gotta do to get you into a Lamborghini? What am I made of mud? Maybe. Honestly, maybe.

I love the look in your eyes when you say like, here's JP Riddles and he just goes dead.

JP Riddles' blood type is mud.

I would love it if the canonically JP Riddles' insane brother is even more crazy than him.

Those kids are so fucked. How fucked up do you have to be if JP Riddles is like, that guy's crazy? What do people spend a lot of money on every year but never want to use? They're taxes, my good man.

Taxes, healthcare, life insurance.

I'm the healthcare man. Yeah, Erin? Dead on Damani.

Oh, dead?

What do people spend a lot of mud on every year but never want to use? Insurance!

Mm-hmm.

Pretty good. I want to see a scene.

If you're spending a lot of money on life insurance over here, fucking reevaluate things, okay? Life insurance, you should not be spending that much money on life insurance. Is that true? Oh, yeah. You're the numbers guy. What's that? You're the numbers guy. Well, life insurance isn't a big payout. I mean, it's only useful if you die. So if you're like, you know, like you Adal a single guy or, you know, classically unlovable, you don't have to worry about life insurance because who you leaving behind, my man?

My cats.

Yeah, those cats. I could, I could take care of those cats, quote unquote, for $40. You know what that means? Put him in a golf bag.

Put him in a golf bag.

I want to see a scene. Erin, you are trying to subtly sell life insurance to your, to JPC, who's the neighbor of yours, but you're trying to do it with subterfuge.

Hey, Claire. Hey, how was your... Not as well. Are you sick?

Am I sick?

I feel like a chandelier's gonna fall on you at any point.

Life could end at any moment, huh? You must be looking at my golf game. Yeah, I just feel like life is short. I'm sorry?

I feel like life is really short. Are you okay, Claire? Yeah, maybe I'm just thinking, I don't know, it feels like I would be ashamed.

I haven't seen Dave in a while.

Speaking of Dave, what if Dave died suddenly? I would love, I just feel so grateful that we have insurance.

You know me and Beth made too much dinner tonight if you want to come over, we see that all the lights in your house are always off.

Oh, are they? So if you were hungry... But if Dave were to die suddenly, I just am so glad that we have insurance and we wouldn't be left not taking care of, you know? Does your wife have the same sort of confidence? No!

I'm sorry. Oh, it seems like your wife. Don't worry, I yelled. I'm gonna go upstairs.

No, she'll just yell louder upstairs. And we have a sleeping two-year-old up there. Uh, did you talk to my wife about this?

Yeah, it just feels like maybe you should start investing in some, I don't know, this is probably stupid, but like life insurance. Probably dumb. I'm just a dumb lady, but like, like, like maybe life insurance? Are you getting me all wet? Stop. You know, like, like, like, like.

No, no, no. You talking about me dying is getting me all wet.

Oh.

Oh yeah, it turns me on.

Okay. Well, my husband just died under mysterious circumstances.

Kill me. Um, here we go. This is going to be the last riddle of the ep.

Everyone's so pissed that we did, I think, two riddles.

No. I think we did like seven or eight. Yeah. We did more scenes than riddles, but that's normal.

I'm ready.

This is going to be a real softball. Who was the president of the USA before John F Kennedy was assassinated?

John F. Kennedy.

There was no president. GBC is right. There was no president.

His assassination was unprecedented.

Ted Kennedy killed that girl.

John, you always do this.

That came up again at Thanksgiving.

Are you serious?

Yeah, it did. Apparently, I wasn't in the room, but my mom was like, did you hear when it came up?

Did you guys watch that Robert De Niro Netflix movie? Yeah, the Irishman. The Irishman. Did you guys watch the Irishman? Yup. Three and a half hours long. It was very long. It was good. It was a good watch. I watched it at like multiple sittings because it was so long. And there's one line I think that Joe Pesci says where he just leans in and goes, if they can kill the president, they can kill a union president. And I was like, okay. A little subtle, the mafia killed Kennedy going on in this movie. Who do you think killed Kennedy? Mafia. Joe Pesci.

I want to hear your real answer.

Who I think killed Kennedy. Ooh, what you say? Ooh, what you always meant? Well, well, of course you did.

What you say?

And after this, we record this episode, I'm going to text my aunt who is a massive Kennedy fan. Like she's obsessed with it. She has like the collectibles of all this stuff all over her house. Oh my gosh. I also, did I mention this in the show already? I went home. My mom showed me this article from the Boston Globe in the 60s, I think. It must have been, like early.

Wow, I can't imagine how racist that paper was in the 60s.

I'm sure, like nightmarishly so. But my aunt, who's obsessed with Kennedy, wrote to Kennedy when she was like 11. And the paper came to their house to interview her about it. And it was like, Barbara... How stupid can you be to think he would write that? No, but she was like, Barbara was excited. Barbara was excited, but not surprised that the president of the United States wrote back. And then the quote of her was, I knew he would write back. He wrote back.

Does she have the letter?

Yeah, she has it. But I had never heard that story, but I was like the confidence of that woman where she was like, of course he's like family to me. Of course he was right back.

Does your aunt live in Boston?

Yeah, she does. She actually lives on the same street as my parents and she is an absolute character. She's thick Boston accent, she's hysterical.

I'm 100% serious. If we do a live show in Boston, which we will eventually, can you see if she would bring that frame letter to the live show?

Yeah, I think she would. Oh, she would be such a good guest on the show.

Speaking of frame letters, have you guys seen the form letter that Steve Martin used to send to people in the 70s? No. He had business cards, right?

Yes. If somebody came up to him, he would immediately before they said anything, hand them a business card that said, yes, it's me, Steve Martin, and have his autograph.

He would send people form letters that had a couple spaces like it was a typed up letter that was like a dear Frank and he would like write in the word Frank a couple times but the funniest part is that the it was obviously a form letter but the wording of the letter is like I wanted to take time to send you this personal letter my friend Frank at the very end of the letter said PS I'll never forget that summer and Reno where we saw all of those and in every single one of them he wrote the word and a little blank that just said rocks

One of my favorite Simpsons bits of all time is like, hey, it's Crusty the Clown. I want to give a special thanks to Mr. Burns or Mr. Black. Clearly dubbing that over.

There was a Twitter thread of people posting their photos of that letter and it sort of rocks on every single funny role. That's amazing.

That's why that guy's the fucking funniest. We talked about Joey Romain moments ago. If you know Joey Romain or if you're in LA, search him out. One, he's the funniest human of all time. Two, he knows more about JFK assassination than anyone ever. Oh, interesting. Does he have a theory? He does, but I can't remember. I have a question. But if you listen, I do another podcast called Sibling Specular. If you listen to, you don't have to listen to all of it if you don't want to, but there's one episode with Joey Romain you must listen to, it's called JFK, and I think it says Sibling Specular with Joey X. Listen to that episode because Joey's legit telling all his knowledge on JFK, and it's the most fascinating thing of all time, and he's laugh out loud funny.

I was gonna say if we should have him on a Patreon episode and then have him go off conspiracy theories.

Next time we're in LA, let's record with him. He is so knowledgeable. He's like 32, but all his knowledge is like 1920s to 1970.

And don't ask him about time travel because he doesn't believe in it. And he won't talk about it, he'll also get very upset. You're asking too many questions.

Speaking of asking too many questions, I have a question for you, JPC. Do you have anything to plug?

Well, it's January 8th today, Mariah's birthday, my girlfriend's birthday, so we're probably spending the whole day rewatching The Witcher on Netflix. We binged that first season day when it came out. We're there again. I'm turning around. I love it now. It's all good.

Anytime I see an article that says something good about the Witcher, I text it to JPC and JPC is like, nope, gonna be fucking trash. I still watch every episode.

No, I got nothing to plug. Follow me on visible grams. What do you got?

Keep it Keif? Uh, follow me on Instagram and then if you're ever in Chicago message me on there and I can try to get you free world news tickets.

Hell yeah. Yeah, come see us at World News Tonight every Saturday at 8pm and 10pm at IO Chicago. We'd love to see you there. Please stick around afterwards to say hi. Also, since it's almost my sister's birthday, follow her on social media. I think she's Esrify10 on Instagram and SadiaR on Twitter. So follow her and she's wonderful and funny and great.

And if you're going to give her a follow, go ahead and DM her and ask her what's one super embarrassing moment from Adal's childhood?

Jupiter!

Bye forever!

That was a Headgum podcast.