Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a Head Gun Podcast.

Two different shows, separate content, you can go to both, and after the 9pm we're having a talk back. If you would like to go to either of these shows, go to headgum.com slash live, or just Google it and try to find it your own way, but maybe just go to headgum.com slash live. Okay, I love you, I'll see you later, bye!

The doctor was the mother.

He stood on a block of ice. Oh, then we're going to finish.

It was the cat end of an airplane. He stabbed him with the knife, didn't he? Should old answers be forgot and new puzzles now? Take all the riddles off the shelf and throw them in the trash. Hey, Happy New Year, Riddle Riddle.

Happy New Year, Riddle Riddle.

Happy New Year, Riddle Riddle to both of you.

I'm so glad we're all spending New Year's Eve together.

Yeah, is this sad?

No, I like it.

No, no, no.

And I like the little streamers you put up, Adal. It's very festive.

Hey, Adal, if it was sad, would we have all just been crying?

Yeah, I think I put up stream... I put up... I have eight iPads and I put them all on Twitch. Yeah, we're all on streamers up. We're all watching PewDiePie and Ninja.

It's very festive.

This is how I love to spin by New Year's.

This is nice. And I'm glad we said no significant others. They would just get in the way.

And guys, this is 2020. This is going to be the year of perfect vision. Meaning finally Paul Bettany will get his own TV show. It'll be fantastic. Vision of the Wish. She's been underused. Perfect Vision 2020.

2020.

The year Paul Bettany.

I cannot believe it's about to be 2020.

I know. Erin, it is 2020.

Just a few years. It's 2020.

You're ruining the effect. I'm sorry, it's 2020. It's 2020 just to think only four more years of Trump.

Oh my God. I just made my stomach hurt.

You have to stop the fuck out. I need Pepto-Bismol now.

Oh, but you know what? Looking back, 2019, what a year, what a year, what a mighty good year. Do you guys want to talk through some of what our New Year's resolutions were last year and how we did on them? I think it'd be fun. I do think we actually talked about this on the podcast. Really? I think we did. We did. Because we had the off book on, the off book, and we said some of our New Year's resolutions, and I would love to see how much we fucking failed at those.

Did you relook up what everyone said?

I of course did not.

I remember mine.

I barely remember mine.

Tell you my number one was to have off book back on, and that did not happen.

Off book, the phone must be off the hook because I'm calling and I'm not getting any pickups.

The phone's not re-knowing.

Jess. I remember I was so nervous for that show. I was such a fan. I still am such a fan.

It's funny, not until after the show where you're like, I'm a huge fan of theirs, I'm like, oh, you acted like you didn't know who they were.

Um, I didn't do to them.

You're plain and cool. You know, to me, when I said off-book's gonna be on, you're like, okay, cool. You kept calling Zach Kate. Yeah, it's sort of a power play. And Jess Moss, yeah.

No, they are so great. I think I'd only really been a fan for like four months or so when we had them on, but I was certainly nervous.

They're literally the best. Erin, what were some of your New Year's resolutions?

I think my New Year's resolution was to be able to do a split.

That's right. You have a banana split in front of you.

And it is making me not flexible. Really turning my muscles to stone.

And JPC, your New Year's resolution was 1080p? Yes.

And I wanted to be backlit.

I know this is bad audio, but I'm going to take off my headphones and then Adal and JBC are going to fairly narrate how close I am to the splits.

Okay, and you know that we won't.

I know, and then I'll get back on mic and I'll tell you what my split journey was here.

Okay, we'll accurately represent this. Erin is standing up. She's stretching. She's getting into a car. She drank a fifth of Jack dare her to drive. Erin is behind the table, so I can't really see what's going on.

When she said that she was going to show us how close to the splits she was going to get, I didn't think she'd be doing a brief prayer before, but I guess this is part of it. Her face is beet red. Her leg is clearly broken. I've seen videos of people doing the splits. This is not part of that process. Okay, she's stretching. This must be stretching.

Okay, I think she's getting close to being able to be ready to start. She keeps staring at us waiting for us to be impressed, but nothing she has done is impressive. She's using way too much me for this to be the splits. It looks like she's like a track racer, like getting in the blocks. Okay, Erin's coming back to the table. Now, JPC and I are going to hold up numbers. We'll verbally hold them up, so this will be from one to ten. Judge Adal gives you... Uh, 1.3.

Uh, are you okay?

Judge JPC, it looks like he has ditched all of the pre-made cards and he's just holding up a question mark.

Um, so this is what happens.

Yeah, walk us through what happened.

So if you had given me like three more minutes if I had like stretched and got into it, I would have been pretty close.

I- Real quick, we didn't stop you. Have you actually been working towards this area?

I've actually that, um, I didn't, wasn't taking it as seriously for like Hey Riddle. So, I've actually gotten so much closer to a split, and I also have a lot less hip pain. Interesting. Now, I used to have, I get, like, because I have one leg that's longer than the other leg, I get a lot of, like, hip pain, and so it's helped a lot.

If it helps, it's noticeable.

I know. Hip pain! And I, my legs fall asleep a lot, and that's been happening less now that I've been focusing on getting closer to the splits, so that was mine.

Can we backtrack a little bit? Yeah. She went to a doctor for your shoulder. I was a physical therapist. Okay. And you told them you're going to try and do the splits, and they said, that's great.

Yeah, they were like, that's great. That makes sense because I was also like, and then I get hip pain and it's probably normal, but my legs fall asleep all the time and they're like, that's not normal.

How did they say that's great?

That's great.

That's a great goal. You sure it wasn't. That's great.

That's great. They were like on the phone chewing gum.

Being flexible is a good goal because it's good for your circulation and yeah, you should be stretching all the time.

But yeah, I definitely haven't given up. I haven't been as aggressive about it as maybe I should be.

I know that I haven't been actively working towards any New Year's resolutions over the course of last year. I think what I talked about on the podcast last year was the ones that I'd done for the previous year. I don't think I made any new ones this year. I think you said less farts.

Movies. That was last year.

Anyway, I haven't watched 100 movies. I did that last year, though. And I can't remember if I said I was going to try to do that again, but I didn't. I never once this year tracked my movie watching or anything like that.

I think mine, if anything, mine might have been to read all of Discworld, possibly. I've been wanting to do that for a while, but I'm not going to read it until I have all the books. And I'm like six away, so I should just start.

Does anyone have any ones that they are making for this new year? I think I did this last year just by accident, but I want to at least read Hey Riddle.

Well, I think with the review crew, we're doing Animorphs for one. Yeah, that's true. So maybe review crew just turns into a book club.

Yeah, and when I say I want to read a book every month this year, I mean a 100-page children's book like Animorphs. That's going to count for me for that.

I want to cheat, basically. I did the Goodreads challenge. Last year I read like 85 books. This year I read 60, but maybe like 16 of them were comic books or graphic novels, so I did kind of cheat.

That's still not bad.

No, that's not bad at all. Reading is like, I do enjoy it, but I have to make myself do it. Because so much other stuff is just life, baby. I used to read on the train all the time, but now I listen to so many podcasts that I feel like the time that I would be reading on the train, I'm listening to podcasts.

Podcasts are like books. Nope.

Not the ones I listen to.

They're bad for me. They're actively bad for me.

They're actively bad for me.

Speaking of actively banned for you, Japes, are you baby new riddles?

I'm a little baby new riddles this year.

So I thought it would be fun. I don't know if you guys remember.

His diaper finally has a context.

Oh my God, there's where my contacts are.

Right back in the eyes.

So remember last year when we took those riddles that had been submitted to us by our listeners and we put them in the time capsule and we said we're going to wait one year for these New Year's riddles and then we're going to open up the time capsule and do the New Year's riddles next New Year's.

That makes no sense. I've never heard of this.

No, I've never heard of that. Okay, well I did that. We may have been in a dream. But we had a lot of actual riddle submissions that came into us last year around the first of the year. Some of them even wish us a Happy New Year's. So we didn't read those. We never even fucking responded to them. But today they're finally going to get their day in court.

Oh, fun. I like that idea.

So these are all riddle submissions from about exactly one year ago. Hindsight, we should have written last year. Hindsight is? 2020. 2018. To the year of hindsight.

You were asking so little of me in that moment.

And Hein's ketchup is... It's good sauce.

I think I broke both my groin muscles. I'm not okay.

These riddles are from Adam from Norwich, England.

You must have an accent.

Hi Adam. Are you a warlock? Norwich. I'm going to read these and what I assume his accent is. Adal, Erin, and J.P.C. Scottish, not English. No, these are Welsh. This is English. It's an English accent. It's an English accent. You guys don't know. Adetneh, I have an author called Beatrix Potter, most popular in America. We need her kids, but she's been a part of British culture now for over 100 years.

Sure, the Bunny story? Mm-hmm.

In case you're not familiar, she wrote books about the anthropomorphic animals such as Peter Rabbit, Benjamin Bunny, Jemima Puddle-Duck. Never heard of that fucking one. Benjamin Bunny is the bunny who aged backwards into a carrot. And they would go and shoot at Wario Adventures. I started reading them to my daughter, one of the stories. So short, they contained about eight riddles.

Erin, you know earlier when you said this is about Adio and you did the splits?

The better audio than this.

Yeah, this is bad audio.

Instead, I thought of you all. This one was written in 1903. It was for small wee little children. So you surely guys can work them out, right? Alright, fuck you, Ed. What is it that happened at the end there? Here they are. Alright, so this is riddle number one. Riddle me, riddle me. Rat-tat-tot. A little wee man in a red, red coat. A staff in his hand and a stone in his throat. If you tell me this riddle, I'll give you a groat.

Can you add a little bit more whimsy this time when you read it?

I think a groat's money. Wait, I am groat? Beatrix Potter invented Guardians of the Galaxy.

Basically. Riddle me, riddle me, rat-tatot. A wee little man in a red, red coat. A staff in his hand and a stone in his throat. I'll tell you the riddle. I'll give you a groat. If you tell me this riddle, I'll give you a groat.

So we have to make up a riddle? Yeah, you gotta make up a riddle. This is a bad riddle. It's a vet riddle that says, do this for me. All right, so here's your clue. You guys want a clue?

Yeah.

Wait, hold on. No, no clue. Before a clue. Sure.

Riddle me, riddle me. Scoop sis-ah. I have a red coat, ta-da. And if you tell me what's in my throat, you have to write the riddle because I'm too tired.

It is funny, any riddle that starts vamping for time. Ooh, what else?

Look over there.

There's a milf on a shelf.

Sciddly-do and skiddly-hey, I haven't come up with a riddle today.

Speaking of milf on a shelf, JPZ, thank you for that Christmas present. Yeah, you're welcome. That's actually a subscription service. There's a mill who sits on your shelf. That's $35 a month.

Make sure you're being nice for Santa.

No, this isn't filler. This is just how you do musical improv where it's like, you know, it's cold outside. Oh look, there's a lizard. I hope that we don't get lost in this blizzard.

You can do it for Vice Shakespeare.

You're just setting up the rhyme for yourself. So Riddle Me, Riddle Me, Rot Tot Tot, a wee little man in a red, red coat.

Okay, so wee little man in a red, red coat. Immediately I think Santa Claus. Garden gnome. But Santa Claus is big. Okay, yeah. So wee man in red coats, but it's probably not a living man.

Well, I'm Johnny Knoxville, welcome to Jackass.

And it's not, is it something that's alive?

No.

So it's not a garden gnome.

A stone in the throat. So a staff in his hand, and a stone in his throat.

Mailbox.

So the Riddle Me, Riddle Me wrote the tote, and if you tell me this riddle, I'll give you a groat. Those are irrelevant. A wee little man in a red, red coat. So wee little, red, red coat, staff in hand, stone in throat.

It's not alive.

Is it little red stone throat? No.

What are those things?

Gargoyle. So your clue is that a groat is a coin and it's irrelevant, but your other clue is this is a food item.

Oh. Strawberry.

No. Stone and throat. So it's going to be a pit in the middle. Yes. Which is going to be a mango. Red apple. Red, red coat. Staff. Oh, that's going to be the stem. So stem and stuff.

Yes, it's a cherry. Yes, it's a cherry. Okay, ready? Wait, I want to see a scene.

After I said gargoyle, I thought, so you two are gargoyles and you're on top of a building and you are just trying to keep a positive attitude even though you only really have each other to talk to you for eternity.

Oh, another day on top of this building. It's a good thing.

Yeah, I mean, you know, there are shorter buildings. We could be on a shorter building.

And even though I'm gothic in nature and craft, I feel I have a positive disposition. So Brad, I just want to say thank you for 117 years and two 117 more.

Wouldn't have it any other way.

And after 117 more, fucking kill me.

Chugging, chugging, chugging. Time is the great destroyer of all things. Yes. Okay. Oh, a car. Car just hit me. Shit. That broke my claw. Well, my claw just fell off. Had that claw for 117 years. Hate to see that. Well, might as well give you a little shove here.

Finally, I've got the building all to myself. One gargoyle looming over all of the city.

We could do 117 years later. Oh, it fucking sucks.

Hitty-pitty within the wall. Hitty-pitty without the wall. If you touch hitty-pitty, hitty-pitty will bite you. It's not the kitty-pitty.

Hitty-pitty.

Can you say it again?

I don't know why you want me to. Hitty pitty within the wall. Hitty pitty without the wall. If you touch hitty pitty, hitty pitty will bite you.

Snake.

Electricity.

No. Hitty pitty within the wall. Hitty pitty without the wall.

Is this like a Pink Floyd? Can I read this clue? Can I read this clue? This is my favorite clue, Adam. The wall is a garden wall, I guess, question mark. Hitty-pitty is literally nonsense. So you could ignore that. I don't want to ignore it. Is it a snake? Hitty-pitty is the majority of this riddle. A snake. No. Within the wall, without the wall, if you touch it, it will bite you.

Splinter.

No. And it's on a garden wall.

Uh, Thorne.

Yeah, Adanetto. There's not even any information.

This is the most British this show has ever been. Oh, hitty-pitty, bother. Wonky-docky. Let's make a savory dessert. Let me go up the apples and pears. A houseful. Good bake. I just want to say, James, good bake.

This is a good bake. Good bake. A houseful, a wholeful. And you cannot gather a bowlful. Houseful or wholeful? Is it deck of cards?

Oh.

That's awesome. That's a good answer.

No, it's not. It's not a good answer and it's not awesome. Is it Stephanie Tanner? A houseful or wholeful? Is whole spelled H-O-L-E?

A houseful, yeah. A wholeful.

But never a bowlful.

And you cannot gather a bowlful. Heat. Heat is close, thinking... Fire. Yeah, you're very close, but think one step beyond fire. Sun.

Sun.

No, no, no, no. It's the fire, but what else is about the fire? Smoke. Smoke is the answer.

Wait, I've smoked a bowl all the time.

Yeah, well, this is... This is bullshit. At 1903, they weren't smoking bowls. My man, they were doing sniffing huff.

They snorted marijuana.

Flower of... Well, I say.

Oh dear. This is some choice weed. Ooh, this indicates the shit.

I know that I'm probably speaking nonsense, but since I smoked, don't you think that maybe we should let women vote? Well, shouldn't it? Well, they're just the same as us, and maybe we should. That's probably nonsense, though.

I have to see a scene. Uh-huh. Uh, Japes are going to be Selvia Holmes, and, uh, Erin are going to be... Jesus Christ.

What do you got? You're going to be Dr. Weedsun. Boy oh boy. Salvia Holmes and Dr. Weedsun. And you were supposed to solve a case? It's fucked that you're a paid comedian. People have paid you to teach them how to do comedy.

That's JVC's reaction? I go, thank God Adal's being paid for this. It would be a crime if he wasn't.

This is some bush league, come down bullshit.

Ooh, our rival podcast. Please don't come after us. We're nothing to you. Um, yes, and you've been, you've been, uh, you've been put on a case, but that was like eight months ago and you don't know where the time's going.

Oh, shoot. I'm out of cereal.

What?

We're out of cereal?

My dear boy, what do you mean we're out of cereal?

I feel like, oh, wait a minute. We were supposed to be doing something. What? No, dude.

Oh my god, were we supposed to pick up Timmy from soccer?

No, we don't even have a son.

You're right, I was watching 7th Heaven and I fell asleep.

Okay, this is, I think we were supposed to do a case. Oh my god, what was that about? Oh, a crepe case? No, no, hold on, hold on.

We talking White Castles?

Oh shoot, okay.

30 pack bra, racks on racks.

Alright, I'm gonna, I'm gonna postmate that. Can you postmate that?

No, it's too heavy.

They have weight limits on postmates. It's told in the early 1900s.

Yeah, I was postmates. That's all of our friends at the post office, right?

Yeah, of course. Okay, so we had a case, dude. No, seriously. I'm curious. A case. It was okay. It was like, stop. Okay. Stop. Okay. Stop.

Do you want to watch YouTube videos?

Yeah, I do. I want to watch a video of a cat going down a waterside.

Yeah. Okay, let's keep going up a water slide.

Okay, shoot, okay.

Shoot.

Are we gonna do our case? Our case. Yes. Okay, we were working, it was a mystery. Oh yeah. And you were like, you put on your little hat and you were like, I'll solve it. And I was like, and I'll help. And then we- Oh my God, yeah, and then I lost the hat. And we lost the hat.

All right, so we gotta find the hat. That's job number one.

Job number one. I think the case was something about someone being dead and it was time sensitive. Time sensitive. Or someone would die unless we solved the case fast.

Time sensitive.

White Castle closes at 8, so we have to order that great case now. You guys just reenacted Harold and Cuba.

I've never seen it.

P.S. You can email me at AdalRifai at gmail.com. I am available to teach workshop. I will travel internationally, so please let me know. And I am available to teach war courses.

And Adal, as always, I am a part of it. I go as his hype man, which means you pay for me to go and then I just get to Adal buy me any dinner I want.

That's fair. Flower of England. Real quick, I do want to say, I just want to say I love that in the 1900s that male men were called postmates. In England, or I post mate.

This is my post mate. He brings me the mail.

I'm so sorry to hear that he went post mate. Post my potatoes.

I hate to be the one to tell you this, Mary, but he's post-bitede.

Flower of England, fruit of Spain, met together in a shower of rain, put in a bag tied round with a string. If you'll tell me this Riddle, I'll give you a ring. Papaya. It's a papaya, yes. Yes, T. Flower of England. Fruit of Spain.

So what's a fruit in Spain?

Fig. Met together.

Fig.

Not a fig, but you're on the right track. Met together in a shower of rain. Date. Put in a bag, tied around with a string. If you tell me this Riddle, I'll give you a ring. You were closest with Fig. Date?

Prune?

It's a fruit? It is a fruit, yes. Your knowledge of European food isn't as good as an Edwardian child's? Okay. Well, this is a specific kind? I was halfway through the hint. Your knowledge of food isn't as good as an Edwardian child's? Okay. Well, this is a specific kind of cake.

It's a meat pie. No. It's with a fruit.

It's very specific to England, I think. Flour of England, fruit of Spain. Fuck. Oh, dear.

Oh, bother.

I haven't watched.

A great British berry. A great pound cake. Give us a hint about the fruit. What fruit, so flour of England would be... So I think that you will get it.

If you focus on this clue, you'll get the hint if you focus on this clue. Okay, no help at all. I'm giving you a clue. I know that it might seem bored by this game that we're playing, but this clue... Oh, Mrs. Peacock. Professor Plum.

Plumcake.

It's plum pudding. I don't know what plum pudding is. I'm assuming it's some sort of British hullabaloo. Is it a cake? It sounds like a pudding. Anyway, but yes, that's the answer. I guess it's a flower of England and fruit of Spain. Spain has plums?

I guess so.

Sure. Why not? Flums. Famously. Flums. Yeah. Spain, famous for plums.

British hullabaloo.

I'll sell it to you, Spain.

We're going to see a scene. You two are just going to do your best guess of what it sounds like in the British parliament.

Order, order, order. I'll take a plum pudding and... Slow down, slow down.

You'll order dessert first. Dessert first? Or decorum, decorum sir.

We all have powdered wigs.

Let me throw these papers in the air. Papers, papers, papers.

Oh what to say something? I think that the chimneys in England have become too tall. All right.

I miss the old chimney sweets, the little sweeps, the little orphans with the dust on their faces.

Arise, arise for the approaching of the Lord Rod Black.

Hello, my name is Lord Rod Brackett, I want to say. Don't mess with the piggy fucking blinders.

Steve.

Was that right? Everyone from England?

Yeah, that's what I've seen from TV. You guys are going to love this one.

Wait, I want to see a scene. I'm sorry. I've interrupted you three times. I'm sorry. I want to see a scene before we let it slip past just because it's my favorite type of scene to do. The three of us are in a mansion and there's been a murder.

Fun. There's a body on the floor.

Everyone, please stay calm. There's been a murder. Move away, move away. I'm a pervert. Sergeant Ketchup, Sergeant Ketchup, please. You spent time in the war.

Please call me Ash.

Ash mustard? Ash ketchup.

It's a Pokmon. It doesn't matter. This man is dead.

And he would know that because he's a pervert.

I'm a pervert, yes. Yes, you did touch him his pulse with your penis, so... No, no.

I'm a pervert, but my perversion is for living people. I have no interest in this corpse. Very good. That's how I can tell.

And it's me, Ms. Purple. And I'm sort of sexy, but I have lots to say. And you, where were you when this person got murdered on the floor?

Well of course my name is Mr. Caucasian and I was sitting in the library trying to organize my books by how they feel about each other.

And of course I was in the bathroom taking pictures of what I thought were someone else's feet but were my feet in a mirror.

And I was in the drawing room drawing something.

What were you drawing? A bath? You're soaking wet.

Wait a second. If I was in the bathroom trying to take pictures of someone's feet but they were really my feet in a mirror, then where was the other man who was in the bathroom?

I followed Mr. Caucasian into the bathroom.

Yeah, I did it. Were you in that scene? We did a world news scene where I did like a clue scene and I said, there's been a murder. Someone killed the toilet. Somebody took a big dump and murdered the toilet.

Was it Eddie at the end who was like, I did it. He was like the only one not in that universe.

His name was like Rick. Humma bum bum, buzz buzz, humma bum buzz, as I went over the table.

That would be so funny if that was the end.

That sounds like it's like a rap chorus or something. Humma bum, buzz buzz, humma bum buzz.

She's a bee. She's a bee bitch. She's a bee bitch and she's here. You're not allowed to do a birthday party. If she stings you one, she dies, but it's worth it.

That's about as complex and long as a Lil Nas X song needs to be. As I went over Tippletine, I met a flock of Bonnie Swine. Some yellow-nacked, some yellow-backed, they were the very Bonniest Swine. That air went over the Tippletine. It's bees. It's bees. The answer's bees.

It is bees. Shut up. It's not.

It is. Okay. We're moving right on.

It was bees. Seriously? Yes. That was a joke from the rap.

Some yellow nacked, some yellow backed. None of these make sense. Humpty Dumpty lies in the back.

I can't believe I got that as a joke.

With a white counterpane around his neck. 40 doctors and 40 rights cannot put Humpty Dumpty to rights. What? Did they rhyme rights with rights? W-R-I-G-H-T-S. N-R-I-T-S. N-R-I-T-S, yeah. Humpty Dumpty lies in the back with a white counterpane around his neck. Sorry, and are you saying back? Beck. B-E-C-K. Like the Scientologist? Yep. No delay. Forty doctors and forty rights cannot put Humpty Dumpty to rights.

What's a Beck?

Um...

If I could turn big time. I think it's like a ditch. Really? Humpty Dumpty lies in a ditch with something around his neck.

With a white counterpane around his neck.

Counterpane.

40 doctors and 40 rights, like builders, cannot put Humpty Dumpty to rights.

I'm so confused.

It's Humpty Dumpty. What is Humpty Dumpty? An egg. He's an egg. Yeah, you got an egg. Oh, really? Yeah, just egg.

Oh. I was like, do we have to solve what the tile is?

Hickemore, Hickemore, Mickelmore, Mackelmore. Nope.

How many of these have you made up on the spot?

All of them. You really think that there's an Adam from Norwich, England?

No.

I don't think we have any listeners. No. Hickemore, Hickemore on the king's kitchen door. All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't drive Hickemore, Hickemore off the king's kitchen door. This is egg again, right? Yeah, it's egg again. Is it? He says, guess what? It's an egg again. I can only apologize. All right, and here's the last one that Adam sent.

Wait, we gotta do this. Adal, you're Humpty Dumpty. Okay. And JBC, you're his other egg friend who's daring him to go on top of a wall.

I just feel better on the ground. I just wanna stay on the ground.

No, man, you're never gonna be anything if you stay on the ground. Take it from me, Macklemore. You gotta put yourself out there, man. You gotta go high, go off, go hard.

I don't want to make anything. I mean, I took your advice and I went to a thrift store and I bought pants. I'm an egg with pants. I think that's enough. I think that sets me apart. No, man. I think people are noticing. People are noticing me.

Every egg is wearing pants nowadays.

Do you want to know something? I was born Charles the Egg. I changed my first name to Humpty because he said it was flavorful.

No, I said humping has flavor.

Look, I've already taken two pieces of advice from you. I changed my first name to Humpty and I bought pants. Look, look, look. I'm not, I'm not going to fall. Do you, did you hear about that gargoyle who fell? I did, yeah. I don't want to be like that. He crushed another egg.

Yeah, he crushed Micklemore, who is my little producer guy.

Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear.

Look, look, I'm going to pop some tags. Remember that? I mean, I'm going to break your shell.

If you don't, how are you going to pop tags? You only have, what is this, 18, 19, 20 dollars in your pocket.

Yeah, get out of my pocket. I'm not running through your pants, man.

Hold on.

Sorry, I've been a tailor for 55 years. I'm not sure how to make you these pants.

Oh, is it because I'm an egg?

Yeah, the shape of you.

It's confusing. You have these little legs that have seemingly come out of nowhere. But how far up the egg do the pants go?

To your eyes? If this is helpful, let me point to where my genitals are.

I'm picking you up in a bar. Put me down! How far up the egg do the pants go?

Is that a... How far up the egg do the pants go?

I mean all the way. Ooh, hump me dumpty. Hump you and dump you?

Hump me! Something iconic just happened by accident. How far up the egg do the pants go?

Hump you, dump you also.

Hello next t-shirt.

It does sound like hump me and dump me. Hump me and dump me. Hunt Me and Dump Me met up at a bar. Hunt Me and Dump Me got kicked out of my car.

What very far? I am an egg-wearing pants.

I think that's enough. Arthur O'Bower has broken his hand on his band. He comes roaring up the land. The King of Scots with all his power cannot turn Arthur of the bower. I don't, I, I. Can you read it again?

Stop. Mercy.

Yep. You're about to claim Murphy. Arthur O. Bauer has broken his band. He comes roaring up the land. The King of Scots with all his power cannot turn Arthur of the Bauer. Put these words.

Horse.

Waistband? Did he break his belt?

Um, it's like a cart thing, maybe like a wheel.

Do you want to hear Adam's clue? Yeah. This is about as obscure as they get and I can't help you because I don't understand.

Wait, broke up a band. Is it Yoko Ono?

It's Yoko Ono, 1903, very predictive, but yes, it's Yoko Ono.

The answer is... Someone please write a riddle where the answer is Yoko Ono and send it to us. We'll read it, even though we'll know what the answer is.

Read it a year later. The answer is, it's a goddamn sunbeam for some reason. Arthur, Adam says... Wait, can you read it again?

Yeah.

I think it's Arthur O'Bower, which that name means nothing, but has broken his band, like a band of sun, maybe? He comes roaring up the land like the sun rises. The king of Scots with all his power cannot turn Arthur of the bower. So, you know, humans can't do anything to stop the sun, I guess is what it's saying. Anyway, Adam said good luck with these. They're 100 years old.

Adal, I don't think you like riddles. I see this take from you and not give to you. Do you know what I mean?

Here's the thing. Adam knew what he was doing because he entered the email, good luck with these. He didn't say like, love the show. He didn't say like, bye bye. He said good luck with these, which means he knows they're bullshit. Let's take a break because I need to calm down. But before we go to break, I do want to say one thing to both of you co-hosts and feel free to join in. Scoop-a-dee-boop-a-doo, Bob-a-dee-beep-a-dee, who on the skippity loves to be heep-a-dee.

Here I go, a scoop-a-doo. I'm going to go to the bathroom and pee.

Okay, so Erin and Adal both have Adam Sandler disease. Bob-a-dee-boop-a-doo, come to the back of the boat. We'll be right back. Yes, Adal, Erin, come into my laboratory. Come in, come in!

Oh, is this about the Monster Mash?

No, no, no. This is, it's early in the morning. Oh, you're working in your lab early? Early in the morning, yes. And I wasn't up all night.

Look at all these chemicals in beetroot.

Why do you have dancing shoes when you were doing the Monster Mash?

No, no, it's not about that. That's a different thing. Look, I have been creating something in my lab. I call it the Triple Helix. It's a brand new strand of DNA. Isn't that also an ice skating move?

Isn't that also the name of our favorite mattress?

What, ice skating moves? No. Okay, good, because their mattresses are horrible. Ice skating move mattresses, they're bad.

Well, they're ice.

They're ice, they're all ice. What, you think, oh no, I've done it again. I've invented something that already exists, the Helix mattress. Hold on, I'm getting a text from a king. Yeah, take your time.

Oh, it looks like you said, I sleep on a Helix mattress.

Well, he's actually, he's asking me what kind of mattress he should sleep on. And what do you say?

Your thing.

He should take a sleep quiz. The copy. He should take a sleep quiz because Helix sleep can match him in only two minutes to his body type to have him know his sleep preferences and find the perfect mattress for him.

What if he's a side sleeper? Hot sleeper.

Yeah, I was going to say, here comes the hot sleeper.

What if he likes a plush bed or a firm bed?

With helix there's no more confusion and no more compromising on an average mattress. You can get all of those features and more. They could even split down the middle if the king has a queen.

I bet it hasn't won any awards though.

Yeah Doc, can I just say I only do the best of the best, which is why I'm wearing caviar.

Yes, and it has won awards. Number one best overall mattress pick of 2019 by GQ and Wired Magazine, and those two never agree on anything. Yeah, one's for smart people and one's for fashionistas. Uh-huh, they're both for people who love mattresses. So if you want a mattress, like one that I've cooked up in my lab, go to helixsleep.com slash Riddle, take their two-minute sleep quiz, and they'll match you to a customized mattress that will give you the best sleep of your life.

Where do I go?

Helixsleep.com slash Riddle. And right now, you can get up to $200 off. All you have to do is go to helixsleep.com slash Riddle. That's R-I-D-D-L-E. Why is there a Frankenstein here? Okay. Let's all do the Monster Mash.

All right. It's Helix sleep. We did the Helix sleep.

The Helix sleep.

It was a graveyard sleep. The Helix sleep. No more counting sheep.

The Helix sleep. Should we compare sleeping to dying? No.

It's basically sleeping as dying.

Bell, bell, bell, bell, bell.

Order all over Pekka, the court, and I'll have a complaint. What's your complaint? Say it formally to the court.

I think that the cobblestone roads are too cold. I think we should have lampposts on every block.

Okay, so the medicines working in your Adam Sandler disease is getting marginally better. By the end of the episode, we might be falling here.

Skippity-hoop. Skippity-boo and skippity-bop. Adal is on the very, very top.

Another riddle from New Year's of last year. This one comes from Jack Flukinger. And Jack Flukinger spelled their name phonetically so that I would understand this riddle. They say, my puzzy is one of my intro to education professor gave the class. Don't worry, completely off topic. Two men are lost in the woods. One goes north and the other goes south. After an hour of walking in straight lines, they run into each other. How can this be?

Easy. They run into each other's twins.

And twins, I love walking through the woods. I am the Danny DeVito one.

And twins. They're walking on a small little planet like the little prince. Oh, Phantom Planet.

California, here we go.

Something with, like, water.

No, something with water. No, it's not wet.

One goes north, one goes south. They walk for an hour, and they run into each other. Two men are lost in the woods.

One goes north, the other goes south.

Well, they're lost in the woods, so they're walking in the wrong direction.

After an hour of walking in straight lines, they run into each other. How can this be? Skype. Skype, yeah, they run into each other on Skype.

Whoa, they were lost separate from each other.

Erin has got it. She hit the nail on the head. Nice one, Erin. They were lost in the woods, but they were not lost together. They were lost separate.

I want to see a scene. Erin and Japes, you're both lost in the woods. You're together this time, but you meet in the woods, you were lost separately, you bumped into each other, and now you're still lost.

Okay. Oh my God. Kate.

Shoot. Oh.

Thank God you're here. God, I've been so lost for the last hour.

You said shoot when you saw me.

I am, when I got lost, I kept, I got so, so lost and I kept seeing the same river over and over again. And I thought, I just thought like maybe we would never see each other again.

Yeah, because when we hooked up, you said see in another life and then you ran off into the woods. And I was like.

And I thought maybe we wouldn't run back into each other. I thought like, I hope, I hope we run back into each other. But like the chances are so slim. Like these woods are pretty big. So I did run into someone. Well, here's your close back.

We cut it, we cut to the river that she kept running into. I'm telling you, the Blue Album is my best work, but Pinkerton is a lot of people's favorites.

You are handsome.

You're very cute for a non-Japanese girl.

What? Don't say that.

I'm not saying anything wrong, I'm just, I'm Rivers Cuomo.

Yeah, okay. Well, I will hopefully see you again maybe in a couple of minutes.

Yeah, come to my concert.

Okay.

Yeah.

Pretty sweet.

Come back. Wait, you saw Weezers Rivers Cuomo in the woods? Well, why didn't you follow him? We gotta get the fuck out of here.

We'd be lost in these woods. Well, here's the thing. I, like, ran into him and then thought, like, I may never see you again. So I, like, him, we, like, hooked up. But, like, I thought I would never see you again. So, like, you can't be mad at me.

We just hooked up, like, an hour ago. We cut back to rivers. That was great sex.

Yeah, thank you.

Can you do me a favor? It's something I ask anyone I sleep with. Can you scream, a river ran through it? See?

Wouldn't you say that?

After what we just did? Jack also says I love the podcast. It's a great soundtrack to drawing or working out. I listened to it with my dad when we were driving to my university to move in. And maybe if he was more tech savvy, he would listen. He would be an avid listener too. Well, Jack, we fucking doubt it, but... That's really sweet. Thanks for trying. Does he say where he goes to school? He just said it's none of your fucking business. Go moon cats! This is from, this next riddle is from Alex. And Alex says, I thought I'd help you kick off 2019, right? With some homegrown riddles, fresh out the brain of it. Hydroponic riddles. So you were wrong about 2019, but here we are in 2020 and we're going to finally get to your riddles, Alex. And by the way, since these all, you sent all of these riddles in a year ago, if you hear a riddle on the show and you still listen to the show, go ahead and write back into us and just tell us why. Why are you still listening? You haven't found anything better yet? There's better podcasts out there. We'll recommend some better podcasts.

Also, please send us Yoko Ono Riddles.

Yes, send it at hrrpodcast at gmail.com. If you send us riddles right now, you will be hearing them on air in 2021. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. 2020 fun.

I contain appearances by some very famous Shakespearean characters, four other men, a father, and finally an American and an African. I feature parts of South Asia, Canada, and Peru along the way. Despite some early pieces being in Greek, people all over the globe know me word for word. What American is in the Bible?

Jesus.

Some people think that. I contain appearances by some very famous Shakespearean characters, four other men, a father, and finally an American and an African. I feature parts of South Asia, Canada, and Peru along the way. Despite some early pieces being Greek, people all over the globe know me word for word. What am I? This is a good one. I like this one.

Greek. What's some Greek we know? I think that might help me out.

Yogurt. Feta. I don't know you guys.

Full house. Uncle Jesse.

Why do you like this one? I like this one because As often it is the case with riddles, like the answer to a riddle will be nighttime or something like that. And then it's all in the telling of how you get to like the very simple answer. But there are some things in this world that contain such a weird variety of like, you know, four famous experienced characters, four of their men, a father, finally an American and an African. So 10 men. I feature parts of South Asia, Canada, Peru. There's so much involved in this with these weird specifics. That's why I like this one.

So there's 10 people in this.

People know it word for word. I'd say people all over the globe know it word for word.

It's like a song or a saying or like a chant.

It's an intro song to Golden Girls. Thank you for being a friend.

Hamlet and rodeo, thank you for being a friend.

Rosengill is there and are dead. I'll make some sort of song, chant, pledge.

It's song, plant, chedge, chedge. Yeah, chedge. Hey chedge, pass me a beer. You got it, Crikey. Judge, chedge. It's along the right lines, but it's not that.

It's got to be like the, I was going to say, it's like a national anthem, but the people who know that worldwide.

Yeah, it is something that's known worldwide and understood worldwide. And I would say it's not money, but I would say it's also sometimes kind of essential to communication worldwide. Sign language. Not sign language, but you're on the right track. Fire language. No. Not body language.

Is it like a technology internet thing?

No, no, no. It's like a wave or a handshake.

A hug.

You are closest with sign language. Is it sex? It's not sex.

Oh my God, this is hard.

So I contain appearances by some very famous Shakespearean characters.

Can you give us one of the characters?

I'll give you both.

Romeo and Juliet. Oh, it's Brian Adams?

Yes, it's Brian Adams, four other men, a father of the Beatles, and an American.

No, it's not long. Romeo and Juliet.

So I contain appearances by some very famous Shakespearean characters. The characters that appear in this are Romeo and Juliet.

So is this like a visual medium? It's not visual. No. It's audio?

It's not audio. Well, I guess it's both. It's technically, this is, yeah, this would be, I think mostly for hearing it. You would want to hear this. Okay.

Here's what I'll say. I'm frustrated by this riddle, but I'm enjoying it.

Yeah, same.

I think this has enough hints to it that I'm enjoying being perplexed versus the British ones, which were just... It's also comforting that JBC said it's not a complete waste of our time.

Can I give you some other things that are contained in this?

Yeah.

Okay, an airline? A sport? A type of building?

Alphabet.

Alphabet? Would you like to?

Yes, you're on the right track. Oh, I know.

It's the military. It's an Alpha Romeo. This is the NATO phonetic alphabet. Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta, Echo, Foxtrot, Golf Hotel, India, Juliet, Kilo, Lima, Mike, November, Oscar, Papa, Quebec, Romeo, Sierra, Tango, Uniform, Victor, Whiskey, X-Ray, Yankee, and Zulu. The American and the African.

What I will say is that my only confusion is I thought that was American like military lingo. I didn't know that it was worldwide.

That's NATO. So it's the North American Treaty Organization, but NATO's got like countries from all over the world in it. That was wonderful.

Hey, that's one of my favorite riddles. That is legit one of my favorite riddles. Really long time.

That's awesome because Alex submitted two riddles and you're not going to like the second one. Did Alex say they made these up? Yeah, these are fresh. They said fresh from their own brain oven.

Alex, you have an open invite to co-host the show for 30 episodes of your choice. You call them, we serve them.

No, we should do some sort of...

Let's have Alex Day this year. In 2020, we'll have Alex Day.

Yeah, we'll have Alex Day, the only riddle we've ever liked.

Alex Day.

Maybe you don't listen anymore, and you'll never know, but if you do listen, write in, and we'll figure out what your prize is.

If you know someone named Alex, bug them about this, because it could be them.

It could be them. I won't give away Alex's last name, but it's Alex Mack, and they can turn themselves into a pool. Like metal on our door. Alright, ready for the second riddle? Backwards hat. 25 degrees. 46 minutes north. 80 degrees. 12 minutes west. 18 degrees. 24 minutes north. 66 degrees. 3 minutes west. You're right, I hate this. 32 degrees. 17 minutes north. 64 degrees. It sucks. 46 minutes west. Fucking sucks. What's missing?

Here's what this is like.

If somebody came out of the stands and like in a basketball game and took the ball, ran to half court, jumped and did like a 360 upside down backwards flip Tomahawk dunk and shattered the rim. And then when the cameras come up, they're like, that was amazing. And he goes, what's basketball? Alex, that's what just happened to you.

You fucking hit a Grand Slam.

That's fun. Why don't we let that person do it?

I hate to do this to you, JPC, but can you read it again?

So not only will I not read it again, because that won't be helpful to you, I will say, what are those two, what are those three things that I just read to you?

I don't know. That's why you read it again.

Latitude, longitude coordinates.

Yeah, so the coordinates. So there's three coordinates.

The fourth coordinate's missing.

East, West, North, South. No. All the coordinates are there and they are different. They're different, right? 25 degrees, 46 minutes north. Check out, yeah. Yeah, but they're different coordinates.

Okay.

So three different points. What does that form? Triangle. What's missing? Amelia Earhart. You're on the right track.

Bermuda Triangle.

So what's missing? Amelia Earhart.

Bermuda.

What's missing?

We can't find Bermuda. Everything. Everything's missing.

The answer is ships.

I feel like I like my answer better.

Ships and planes. Yeah, because these are the global coordinates of the Bermuda Triangle, and once you enter the Bermuda Triangle, you never leave.

I want to see a scene. You two are on an island in the Bermuda Triangle.

Welcome, sailor. You've traversed a long way. Please come sit on my shores. I'm sorry. I'm so confused. Are you a fish head in a centaur body? No, no, no, no. No, no. That's what you look like. How dare you? You're not a fish head in a centaur body? How dare you? What the fuck are you? Are you visually dyslexic? I guess I must be. Hello from the magic town. You like it? Scene.

I asked you to, I did such a simple scene.

Wait, let's, we'll restart, restart, restart. We'll restart, okay.

Okay, you're one. It cannot be about hello from the magic tap. Got it.

Welcome to my island. Ah, thank you for having me. I just crashed here with my friend, a talking shark. My name is Lewis, a shark, and this is Lois, a shark.

Start over.

For introducing people, this is Momo the Mouse.

Okay, start again.

I can't believe it. I'm Arnie Neek here.

Throw it again.

Offices and bosses.

Throw it again. That's Castle on the Cloud. So fine, keep going.

Hi, I'm Momo.

Do you think Magic Tavern opens with Castle on the Cloud from White Mist?

I would love. Do you think anyone would notice that it changed for one week?

Let me posit this. For the next 20 minutes, let's just do an episode of Magic Tavern. All right. I think that's okay.

I want to be John.

I want to be John. I think that's okay. I want to be John.

Who do you want to be? Let me pause at this. Instead of that, why don't we do more riddles? So this is from Mike. Mike says, I just discovered your podcast. It's a really fun listen. So this was a year ago, Mike, write us back to let us know how your opinion has changed. But Mike says, my name is Mike, and I spent too many hours writing original riddles for a little side project that has since shuttered. It's called Riddle Earth. A few friends and I had 1,000 or so loyal followers solving original riddles we'd write every week. Per your request to send in riddles, I have a stab at some of our riddles below, and Mike says that they have lots more if you're ever interested of varying quality. I like Riddle Earth. Riddle Earth sounds great. All right, so here's their, in every one of their answers, like links to a website where they put all the riddles like on in a weird cool display fashion. But up above, a judge presides, tension high, fault on both sides. Upon the court, spectators peer. Love, it means nothing here.

Divorce court.

What am I?

Divorce court. Oh, divorce ball.

No, it's not divorce ball.

You guys ever played divorce ball?

I want to see a scene. We are going to be seeing a game of divorce ball between Adal and Erin. I will be, of course, judging and presiding over this match of divorce ball.

Linda. Linda.

If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge my love.

Linda, pass the ball. Do you see the shot clock? Fuck. Linda, you always do this.

You always do this. Can you say, Linda, please, I love you. I see you. I value all of the emotional labor you're putting into this relationship.

Four points.

How do we get four points?

Oh, I think because you express yourself. Listen up. I need native two points. Never tell a woman to listen up. This is hard.

You know what? Here I go with a dodgeball. And these actually hurt when you throw them from up close. So you better start running.

I'll never stop. I'll never run from you.

Negative two points. Full start.

And here I go.

Yeah, do it. Hit me. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Hit me again, Linda.

Come on.

Negative four points.

What is happening?

What if we're both into it?

Were you?

Yeah. Negative two points.

No. Judging our sex life.

Yeah, fuck you judge. Plus four points. What?

You got it.

Judge like to watch. See? No, it's not cool. You guys said divorce ball.

We got it. I think Adal got it with divorce ball.

Please tweet us the rules to divorce ball using hashtag divorce ball. We would like to hear what your version is. What are the rules?

Or is it a beautiful ball where you dress up and everyone's divorced?

Mr. James McMillan and his ex-wife who took her maiden name.

Now presenting... Who are you bringing to the divorce ball?

My ex-husband. That's the rule.

Be my ex. Be my ex. I'm sorry, ma'am. No widows here. Let us have some break-up sex.

Up above, a judge presides. Tension high. Fault on both sides. Upon the court, spectators peer. Love? It means nothing here. Hate.

A breakup.

There's definitely some words in here that are very important.

God.

Up above a judge on high. Up above, a judge presides. Tensions high. Fault. Oh, tennis. It's a tennis court. Yeah. Love. It means nothing. Yeah, tennis court. A man is standing on the edge of a pond.

Wait, I'm so sorry. I have to go back. I'll regret it the rest of my life. Sure. You two are two tennis players, and this is like the most important game of the year, but you are told that the noises you've been making so far are too sexual, so you both are trying out just different noises to make each time you hit the ball.

And before we do the scene, or as we start the scene, can we first hear our original noises?

Yeah.

Okay, so wait, and we've been told, we're doing noises that are, we've been told are too sexual?

Yeah, you've already done noises that are too sexual, which are these. Okay. And now these are your new noises, and let the game begin!

Fuck me, Steve. I'm coming to your party, not sexual. Oh fuck, I'm coming to your party. Hiya Momo. Please, if anybody invites you to a party this year, please do that. I'm coming. I'm coming to your party. To your party. I think I'm going to shoot. Up your party. A man is standing. Whoa, whoa, whoa, what?

Did I just hear it? That's the first time I heard Casey make a noise through the glass.

I think I have to report this.

That's so funny.

A man is standing on the edge of a pond, upset because he just drove into it. He gets back into his vehicle and drives off. Drunk driver. Yep, there is no damage to his vehicle, but he lost something. What did the man lose? The boat.

His pride.

Pond. It was Matt Pond.

Bike. Helmet.

Drove into a pond.

A man is standing on the edge of a pond, upset because he just drove into it. He gets back into his vehicle and drives off.

Oh, he's skipping rocks.

He's skipping rocks and he lost his rock. Later, he drives into a tree. There is no damage to his vehicle, but he lost something.

What did the man lose? Sanity? No. What did the man lose? I don't know.

He had a... So, yeah, these are two different kind of scenarios, but it's all the same thing. Is it a part of the car that was protecting it?

It's not a part of the car.

That's a great question for clarification. Is it an intangible kind of thing? No. It's a tangible thing.

But it's not part of the car?

No. A man is standing on the edge of a pond upset because he just drove into it. He gets back into his vehicle and drives off. Later, he drives into a tree. There's no damage to his vehicle, but he lost something. He lost something in both instances.

Different thing?

Same thing. Same thing. Same thing. And it is something tangible. Was it on the vehicle?

No.

Was it in his pockets or something?

It was never on the vehicle. It was not in his pockets either. Is it like an extra life? Like he's a video game character? No, it's a tangible thing. Which life is not tangible. It's meaningless. Give us a hand.

This is tricky.

No, I'm not going to give you a hand. Okay, driven to a pond. He was standing on the edge of a pond. He's standing on the edge of a pond upset because he just drove into it. He gets back into his vehicle and drives off.

So how do you drive into a pond and then drive off? Exactly.

That's the crux of the riddle. Later, he drives into a tree and there's no damage to his vehicle, but he lost something.

But the pond wasn't frozen. No. And the pond wasn't empty.

What's his vehicle?

Was the pond empty?

It's not a car.

Did he lose his shocks?

It's not a car. You're right. It's not a bike. No, it's not a bike.

It's not a motorcycle.

Hovercraft. No? It's a very specific vehicle.

Ice cream truck.

If you knew the vehicle that he was driving, you would instantly get the Riddle. Bike. No.

Is it something with an engine?

Yes. A tank. No. Submarine. No, it's not for war. It's not for war and it's not... Peace tank. No. Peace tank.

School bus. Come on a peace tank.

People of the world. No, it's not a school bus. I would say Max, like four people, can fit in this.

Max for people. Beatles car.

Beatles car. No. Room for four. You wouldn't take this on the road either. This is like, this is a vehicle that only does a specific type of activity.

Roller coaster.

Pretty much, no.

Like a recreational.

Water bed. Yeah, definitely recreational. Weed car. Weed car, no.

How fast does it go?

Not fast. No, not really fast at all.

I got a not fast car. That's it for people driving a pond.

And it would be a place where you would definitely drive it near a pond and you would definitely drive it near trees.

Is it like a duck boat? Or whatever that's called, ducks? No. You would drive it, it's like ATV?

No, not an ATV. Four-wheeler.

It's four wheels, yeah. It is four wheels. It would fit four people. A dumb bike?

No. It's got an engine of some kind. It's motor powered or battery powered maybe. Maybe battery powered.

Oh my god, I can't. I don't know. This is driving me nuts.

You would use it, I will say. Big wheels? You would use it playing a sport. Oh, a horse. Mm-mm. Bumper cars. Four wheels and battery powered. No. You actually, you could do this sport without one. Golf cart. So what did he lose? His ball. A man is standing on the edge of a pond upset because he just drove into it.

He drove a driver. Yeah.

Wow. That's a good one. That's a really good one. That was frustrating, but totally worth it.

Yeah. Wow.

Frustrating, but totally worth it. This episode is like... This is a person named Mike. Sorry Erin, what were you saying?

This episode has re-energized me with riddles. Yeah. These are pretty good riddles, JPC. Well done.

So Mike said that they used to do this project, and I'm hoping that Mike picked the best riddles, because these are really good ones.

Mike, we'll say right now. Riddle earth us up. We want more. We bought stock in Alex. It tanked.

I still believe in Alex. That was my favorite riddle ever.

So Mike, you're our new number one. We didn't sell the stock in Alex. We're keeping it. We're hoping maybe 30 years from now it's worth something. Because right now, fucking pennies on the dollar. Hammering money on the Alex stock. But Mike is back on the menu. All right, you ready? Out on the floor, the dealer is paid. Spin of the wheel, a model awaits. Money's on the table, or not, but there's not much glamour here. It's a lot. Sounds like a theme song. It really does. Mon is on the table, and Grotto is burning.

Sounds like a poker.

Out on the floor, the dealer is paid, spinning the wheel, a model awaits. Money is on the table, or not, but there's not much glamour here. It's a lot.

It sounds like the lyrics to Heat of the Moment.

So it's not actually a gambling thing. It's not a gambling thing, yeah. It's like you're buying something?

You're buying something for sure. Money on the table, auction.

Auction.

Car dealership. Car dealership, yes. There's not much glamour here. It's a lot. It's a car lot. Yeah, that's a car dealership. OK, I want to see a scene.

Mike is two for Twa. I have to buy a car next year.

OK, great.

Can you guys help me?

This is going to be great practice for you, Erin. So I want to see a scene. Erin, you are going to a dealership to buy a car. Adal, you're a car salesman. You have not sold a car all month. You're really desperate for this commission. You've got to sell a car to this woman.

Hey, welcome to Horny Mike's Car Lock. I'm Horny Mike.

Sorry, I had my headphones in.

What's it gonna take? Welcome, I'm Horny Mike and this is Horny Mike's car lock.

Car lock?

Yeah.

Am I in the right place? I need to be at a car lot.

Oh, this is a car lock. So this is, we shut both sides of the lock and then water rises to equal out and then you can open up and take your boat through.

Okay, I need a car? Perhaps you're confused. This is like the Panama Canal. We shut both sides of the gate, the water level rises, and then you can take your boat through. That's what I said. Oh, Horny Mark explained it? Not Horny Mark, come on. I'm sorry, I'm not horny. Get your snot out of my truffle.

Sorry, of course this is what happened to me when I go to buy a car. I'm so bad at big purchases. I get a lot of anxiety around them.

Let me ask you something. What is it going to take me to get you into this water?

Okay well what I was really looking for was just like sort of heated seats in a car that was sort of the one luxury and then also I just wanted to be safe.

Okay good well you're in the right place because this is a car lock so what you're gonna do is you're gonna come in we're gonna shut that wall behind you the water level is gonna rise.

Am I gonna drown in here?

Well we hope not but it is a car lock. If you buy a car then you'll be fine.

Okay I'm just trying to decide who I trust more the person who is horny or the person who is not horny.

We're both horny and one of us always lies and one of us is always just horny.

What, are you my ex-boyfriend?

Oh, so you play divorce ball. I don't know what that meant. It doesn't matter. Okay, cool. Mediterranean crossed my boat. Bootstrap capitalism gets cutthroat. Italy. Tip your hat to Tennessee. Beware the land of luxury. Sicily. Chances are you'll go far by train, rolling around my flat terrain. Spain. Hmm. No, it's not a country. We're not looking for a country here. The city. Your flat terrain. Mediterranean crossed by boat. Bootstrap capitalism gets cutthroat. Tip your hat to Tennessee. Beware the land of luxury. Chances are you'll go far by train. Rolling around my flat terrain. Flat terrain, Erin's ass.

Oh my God. There are a lot of things about me that are flat. You should have gone after my boobs. Do not go after my ass. I got an ass. Anyways.

She's in the 90s for ass. She tested inside that ass.

You saw me do that split earlier. I got N.A.D.A.s.

It's bananas everywhere.

Okay.

Can you read it one more time? Yeah, and I think that we've actually had this answer on the show before. It's a creative way to say it though. Mediterranean crossed by boat.

Okay, real quick. Mediterranean crossed by boat. It's like a sea or like Mediterranean crossed by boat. Body of water?

No. This next one I think is the one that's crucial. Bootstrap capitalism gets cutthroat.

See, boot makes me think Italy. Bootstrapped capitalism gets cutthroat. Cutthroat islands.

Cutthroat. There is an important word in each one of these lines that will help you understand what this is. Boot. Boot. Boot. And throat. In each one of these lines. That's one line. So Mediterranean crossed by boat. Bootstrap capitalism gets cutthroat.

Boot.

Tip your hat to Tennessee. Beware the land of luxury.

So tip your hat to Tennessee.

Chances are you'll go far by train, rolling around my flat terrain.

So it goes from the Mediterranean to Tennessee, but it's only tipping the hat to Tennessee.

So what are the important words in those first three lines? Boot, boat, boat, tip your hat to Tennessee.

Hat.

Boot, boat, hat.

Boot, boat, hat. Monopoly pieces.

Monopoly.

Monopoly.

Yeah, the answer is Monopoly.

Oh Mediterranean Avenue. Yes, it's a capitalism cutthroat. Very good.

Beware the land of luxury, luxury tax. Chances are you'll go far by train.

This is an awesome riddle.

I want to see a scene, and oh boy, now that I'm calling for it, we may have seen this before, but we'll do it again, and the results will probably be different. 2020. Can't imagine that. We're going to see a scene, and Erin, you're married to Japes, and he just received third place in a beauty contest, which is famously, I think, like a chance card or community chest.

Well, I'm home. Thank you for wordlessly driving me home. I guess I'm going to go pack a bag so I can stay at my mother's.

Hey, hey, hey.

No, we don't have to, we don't have to do this.

I know that they said third place is last place. Well, there were three entrants. And if they said they could have given you no place, they would have.

I didn't want to do it. They invited me by mail to apply.

That's because your name is... Charles Booty. Charles Booty hyphen handsome. And they assumed you were handsome.

They assumed I was handsome and they entered me into a booty contest.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

But I'm an accountant, Diane.

I don't care if you're a real... I'm 64 years old. A real ugly guy, huh? Come on. I don't care that you're ugly inside and the outside. I married you for your money. I've got some... And your money's still here, huh? Because you're an accountant and you're good at saving.

I'm a count?

And an account.

A duke gave me this land and he said, make sure you tax it. And I do. And I do. And yeah, I'm ugly and I have ugly opinions.

And we cut to a scene. This is eight years later. This man has been bitten by a vampire and he is now a Count Dracula. I wish before I was bitten I wasn't so fucking old.

Is this your next magic tavern character?

All right, speaking of magic tavern characters.

One more?

We actually have two. The prankster's home decor. Clockwise or counter, the choice is yours. Never eaten, found in bowls. Around I go, I'm on a roll.

Clock. Those are the snakes, peanut snakes. Peanut snakes.

The prankster's favorite home decor. Ashton Kutcher. The prankster's favorite home decor. Clockwise or counter, the choice is yours. Never eaten, found in bowls. Around I go. Snakes. I'm on a roll. Fake fruit. You said snakes already. No, it isn't. No. The prankster's favorite home decor.

I don't know.

Clock. A jester. The prankster's favorite home decor. How would a prankster decorate? It's something that you don't eat.

It's something that you don't eat.

Broom, broom, broom. That's a vest, sir. And you would not want to eat, but it is found in bowls. Specific type of bowls.

Po-paree.

Oh, it is found in bowls. Yeah. I thought it said it wasn't. No, never eaten found in bowls.

Po-paree.

Never eaten found in bowls.

You wouldn't even want to eat this thing. Fake fruit. Fake poop.

Fake flowers, fake plants.

No, Adal's closest with fake poop, I guess, but you're in the same ballpark.

The Pranksters.

What am I on the field or in the stands?

I don't know.

What's basketball? The Pranksters' favorite home decor. Should we know this? But this is not something that they would decorate their own home with. Someone else's home. They're a prankster. Oh, fake paint.

Fake paint. I don't know.

Whoa, you painted my house. Oh no, this is fake paint. Piss. Piss the fakest paint. Pranksters' favorite home decor.

Oh, the fakest paint.

Clockwise or counter, the choice is yours.

Clockwise or counter?

I would say I'm always counter. Counter would be me. Clockwise, I think, is fucking weird.

How your toilet flushes?

You're close with toilet.

Really?

Yeah. The prankster's favorite home decor, you're close with toilet. What is a prankster like? Water?

Something within a bathroom?

Pigs' blood? If I were trick-or-treating at your house and you didn't give me any candy, maybe I'd be- Toilet paper. Toilet paper. Yeah, clockwise or counter, the choice is yours. Never eaten found in bowls. I can't imagine eating a big bowl of toilet paper. That's a great one. Yeah, these are so good.

These are really amazing.

And Mike has sent us one more, and it would be a shame if we didn't use it. And we won't. See you later. Was this the Halloween episode? I'm how momentum gets its start. Post-its. Found in thermometers. I took your temperature.

Mercury.

I'm how momentum gets its start. Found in thermometers. I took your temperature. What am I?

I took your temperature. Found in thermometers. Not mercury, degrees, Celsius, glass.

What's the most important word in this? There's two important words in this. Two very important words in this.

What are they?

I can't tell you that. I'm how momentum gets its start found in thermometers.

Oh, it's the letters. It's mom. It's mom. Momentum, thermometer.

That's amazing. These are amazing.

These are three for three, some of the best riddles we've ever done. Mike, this is the first time ever we've ever done this. We're going to name you our first ever honorary booty butt. We've had many booty butts in the show before.

Oh, really? Mike, I will say this. If you are out there and still listening to the show, write us another email and you will get ignored. Personally, by me, by the JPC. I will ignore you. Well, we want the rest of your riddles. But yes, Mike, your riddle project sounds awesome, and we would love to do more of your riddles on the show. So if you have more riddles, please send them to us. Incredible. We would love it, Mike. And for everyone else, have a happy frickin' New Year. I mean, my New Year's already starting off great with, I might be reinvigorated on riddles. Me too. I might like riddles again.

I think we all are back on board.

I've always liked them, but that... Then show it. That degrees one set me back in...

And by the end of 2020, I will be doing a full split on my right side. I'm not God. You can do a left split.

No. And a split on the right side is just where you raise your arm all the way up and have your leg parallel to the ground?

Yep. Enough. Anything to plug everybody?

This is January, this is New Year. I've mentioned it before, Magic Tavern is on tour in January, so check out HelloForTheMagicTavorn.com to see our dates. Also, this whole year for 2020, Erin Keif will be playing Chunt on Magic Tavern, so check that out. That's going to be a good time. Yeah, that's awesome.

I'm going to tank it. Not on purpose. I'm just bad.

Um, and I, and I want to plug Mike, whatever Mike wants to plug, I want to plug because that's my new best friend.

Uh, January 18th, we're going to be in San Francisco for Sketchfest.

So come out and see Hey Riddle Riddle with a special Bostonian guest who's not Erin Keif.

Rob Cordry. I can't stress enough. You're going to see me be so excited and so nervous. Bobby Corduroys himself of Rob Cordry for forever.

He's one of my favorite anchors on a daily show.

I was saying that when we picked him, I got a gift for Christmas one year that was all the 2004 coverage of like the presidential race. And he does a segment where he was in Boston and I probably have watched that like a hundred times.

He's so good. Did you say anything in the plug? Besides that plug? That's the plug I just did. Misty Flex.

Anything to plug? Yes, please. Thank you, Misty Flex. Thank you everyone who's now started calling me Misty Flex. Follow me, Misty Flex on Instagram. No, follow me, follow me, Erin Keif 10 on Instagram and I'll plug the shows I do there.

And Erin, I have something I want to tell you.

Yeah, what's up?

Space City, Way City, Planety Way-nity, Up In The Sky.

I've lost my sanity. Jupiter.

Bye forever. Greeted by Adal Rifai, starring Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan. Casey Tony did the editing, and Marty Parrott did the music. Loco Greeted by Emily Cardamus, and Emily Nemours. That was a hate gun podcast.