Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a Head Gun Podcast. The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Then we're going to finish. It was the cat end of an airplane.

He stabbed him with a knife and a knife and a knife and a knife.

Uncle J.P.

Uncle J.P.

You said you were going to get us a puppy for Christmas this year, but all the boxes haven't barked.

No, I said I was going to give you a puppet for Christmas this year as a puppet of a puppy, but there's not going to be a Christmas this year.

This is just a skinned dog. I'm sorry? Inside the box was a skinned dog.

That's a corn dog with no corn.

That's what that is.

You made it look like a marionette puppet. You put a little bow tie on.

I should be horrified, but I'm numb to this at this point.

Shut up now. You're doing entirely too much new content. This is a clip show here, so what we're doing here is... I'm going to read you kids a story. It's a Christmas story, so you're going to like it.

And then after the Christmas story, it's going to be all the content of you on the show. Well, most of it anyway.

Yeah, it's going to be a little best of J.P. Riddles thing. But before we can get to that, we got to get to the night before Christmas.

Uncle J.P., you told me in secret that this was going to be a quit show. You said because it's hard to find.

Well, that's true. Oh, that's true. But you can always find the clues on the square.

J.P. Riddles, I got a question.

Yes, sir. Is it right next to its nuts? Uh-huh.

We left cookies and milk for Santa Claus. Do you think he's gonna like the cookies and milk that we left for him?

Well, I don't know. I mean, he certainly didn't just pour that milk all over that cookie, make himself a cookie casserole cake, and eat it like a bowl of Cheerios. But if he did, I'm sure that Santa Claus really enjoyed the milk that your kids left. Let me read you one of my swan lumps. Okay, here we go.

I heard reindeer on the roof last night.

This is swan lumps number 107. The night before Christmas.

But what about the reindeer?

Shut up now, pay attention. It was the night before Christmas when all through the house, not a creature was stirring. Not even a moose. That says mouse. Sorry. J.P. Riddles had whiskey today. What? The stockings were hung by the chimney with care in hopes that old J.P. Riddles soon would be there. The children were nestled all snug in their jammies. That's us. Well, J.P. Riddles fell asleep in his Camry. And if he was honest, it wasn't his car, but he'd shattered the window with a piece of rebar.

Wait, that car over there? That's a RAV4.

A Toyota's a Toyota, punk. And Mama and her kerchief and dad and his cap would soon find that someone had shattered the back window of the Toyota and taken a crap.

What's a kerchief?

It's like a handkerchief recurred.

He threw it up? Did he eat a sash?

The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow gave the luster of mid-day to objects below when what to his wandering eyes should appear but a miniature sleigh and ain't tiny reindeer. But on closer inspection the reindeer were raccoons and some of them had weapons like forks knives and spoons. They brandished their cutlery and gnashed on their teeth and a shadowy figure rose from beneath.

Santa!

The little old driver so lively and quick and covered in what must be his own sick. Dripping with rabies his corsers they came and he spit and he cursed and he called him by name. Now mad dog, now splinter, now President Nixon. On concrete, on cumin, oh dog bird on blintman. To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall. Now dash away, dash away, dash away, y'all.

Uncle J.P., can we stop? Mm-hmm.

Yeah, you getting scared?

Yeah.

Yeah, you fucking should be, okay? I don't want to celebrate Christmas. Christmas isn't the celebration. Where's Santa? No, no, don't worry about that. We're just getting to the good part. My idiot brother thinks he's safe in his castle. Well, tonight boys, we dine on the flesh of that asshole. As dry leaves that... Dad? Dad? He ain't home. Mom! It's a special... Come here. Come in close. It's a special J.P. Riddles Christmas this year.

J.P. Riddles? Why are you dressed like Santa but you have none of the same mannerisms?

You look like Dan Aykroyd in Trading Places. You look like Dan Aykroyd. You got salmon in your beard.

I beat up a mall man and I took his clothes.

What's a mall man? What do you think a mall man is? I'll go for J.P. We're not moving on until you explain what a mall man is.

It's a Paul Wall. As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly when they meet with an obstacle mount to the sky so the raccoon's little claws scurried up the gutters and old J.P. Riddles gave his curses and mutters. Get into my brother's house and eat his clothes and sleep in his poop. Now a sleigh full of toys would be a welcome relief, but old J.P. Riddles pulled a knife from his sheath, and by knife I mean old rusty beef or only lid, and the sheath was a sock that he nabbed from some kid, and by nabbed as a term is more flowery flattery for in truth the kid had smacked him with a sock full of batteries. When everyone's horror upon the roof came of the prancing and pawing of each little hoof. Okay, where was I? Where was I? Something about a hoof? Oh yeah, and to everyone's horror up on the roof came the prancing and pawing of each little hoof. That's right, J.P. Riddles had taped hooves to the beasts, which only made them more furious and somehow more diseased.

That didn't rhyme.

Alright, what are you, a fucking art critic? No, you're a little boy. You had your jammies and you're here for a story. We're here for Christmas. I don't believe in Christmas. Please let us go. I'll let you go. We'll all go soon to heaven. As the family drew together at the terrible sound, down the chimney, J.P. Riddles came with a bound. And he was dressed in what one might have described as clothes, but they long since been rotted and all but decomposed. I don't know how inorganic matter decomposes, but that's what the case was.

Are you giving your own writing notes?

J.P. Riddle, is it true that you lived in the chimney of our house for several years?

I wouldn't call that livid when I did that chimney, but I sexed it good. From his head to his foot he was covered in scratches, and his hair was a tangle, and missing in patches, and picking himself up from the ground with a scoop, one thing became clear, he was covered in poop. Well, it looks like J.P. Riddles made a mess in your car. He shrieked, making his way to the bar, and he mixed up a cocktail that suited his taste. One part vermouth, and four parts squirrel paste. You kids know what squirrel paste is, right?

It's what you wrote this poem in.

Oh, yep.

It's what you gave me for my birthday. You got me a live squirrel and then you told me to ring it out. Then I could use the pace for several different things.

You kids are smart. What did I say those things were?

It's a binding agent for arts and crafts.

And you said squirrel pace is also a discontinued music mag, specifically for squirrels who are into alt music?

Yeah, specifically I said eating, cooking, stuffing, and snooking. And that's a kiss and turn from Harry Potter, I think. Anyway, he drank it down quickly and spit for good measure, his eyes full of fury and panic and pleasure. His eyes, how they twinkled, his dimples, how merry, his cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry, his breath a disaster. His skin, a damn crime, and every single inch of him covered in grime. His dirty little mouth was drawn up like a snake, and the beard on his chin was obviously fake. Mercy. Uncle J.P. Mercy. No, no, no, we gotta finish the riddle with the Christmas miracle, huh? Oh, he was skinny and crazy, a right jolly old elf, and they cried when they saw him in spite of themselves. With a wink of his one good eye and a twist of his head, soon filled the family with thoughts of great dread. He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work and filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk. Sissy, sissy.

He said he was skinny and crazy.

I think this is where we die. Oh, please. J.P. Riddles. Talk about yourselves. I'm just going to roll myself a squirrel cigarette.

I just thought this was going to be a typical swan lumps, but I guess it's a Christmas-themed swan lumps that are specific to the events that just happened in our house.

The squirrel's not even dead yet.

The squirrel is smoking as he smokes the squirrel.

He's singing a song about wrapping up a squirrel like a cigarette, but he's cutting up his stomach with glass.

And laying his finger aside of his nose, he shot a snot rocket, and up the chimney he rose. He sprang up his sleigh, his raccoons a-cooing, and they covered him instantly, and then started chewing. But they heard him exclaim, ere he sped out of sight. Get these damn raccoons off me, for I'll die from their bites! And slowly the family peeked into their stockings, and to no one's to surprise, they were all filled with squirrel droppings. Well, that's the story, and Merry Christmas to you kids. Merry Christmas, Uncle J.P. I wrote that, maybe a partially a little biographical of old J.P. Riddles.

J.P. Riddles, even on a day like today, and you're the craziest skinny old man I've ever seen in my life, I wish you a merry Christmas and a happy holidays and I hope your heart feels warm today too.

Yeah, Uncle J.P., I'm going to use your full name because that's how much love is in my heart. I love you Uncle J.P. Nickelodeon's Gack Riddles.

Well, you kids, you know, old J.P. Riddles doesn't get very sentimental often, but I gotta tell you that... Drop the centa. You're just mental. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. It's a good job and it's a good job. You kids are important to me, and though my brother might speak ill of me, I want you to know that there's always a place that old J.P. Riddles is waiting, and it's not in your heart, it's in a jail cell.

Or our chimney for several years.

That's for sure, and I wouldn't go in that chimney as well because my squirrel wife's still in there, and she's mad at me because I got her in the old family way and left one night.

Is this the one you call Squife?

My Squife.

And you had a second at Squirrel Life too, you call it your squeakle?

Oh my god. My side squeaked. There's only one thing we want for Christmas from you.

What's that, kids?

And it's a clip show of all of your appearances on the show, starting with your origin story in episode five.

Well, that would be a Christmas miracle. And ending with your orgy story. Would I sing Blue Monday? Okay. Well, you know what, kids, since it's Christmas and since you asked nicely, I'll do it. I'll do you exactly that. So everyone strap in and enjoy your Christmas. Remember, this is a show that's for the kids and for the family. So play it around the hearth. No, okay, I mean told not. And old J.P. Riddles will see you in 2008. That's next year, right?

No. Merry Christmas to all.

And to all a good squirrel.

I'm thrilled to say that Erin is going to be our old woman riddles today.

Old man puzzles. Old man puzzles.

Old man puzzles. And you also, we did introduce ourselves. I'm Adal Rifai. J.P.

I should have said Riddles. I remembered that so much.

I'm rebranding and Erin is here as well. And Erin Keif is here.

I'm rebranding myself to J.P. Riddles. J.P.

Riddles. J.P. Riddles and it's so cute.

Or J.P. C stands for jokes, pussies, and clues.

By the way, J.P. Riddles sounds like a knock-off R.L. style.

Did you read that new book by J.P. Riddles? No, it's terrible.

Shut up. Swan bumps. Shut up, nerd. Swan bumps.

What was J.P. Riddles? These are my swan bumps. Oh, is that a goose bump? Yeah. I said swan lumps. I liked how we changed swan, but we kept bumps.

Okay, I have to ask for J.P. Riddles to read us an excerpt from one of his newest books in the series called Swam Lump.

For the spooky children's series.

You know what I think? The Swan Lumps series. This is my latest Swan Lumps book, but what's the title of the book? The title of the book. Goosebumps. So let's roll around the campfire and let's have J.P. Riddles read us from his new book.

Wait, we're all around the campfire? Are you afraid of the dark or is this J.P. Riddles? Yeah, that's what I said. Gotcha.

Mr. Riddles, Mr. Riddles, read your story.

How do you kids keep fighting me? All right, all right, you little perverts. I'll read you a story. This is my latest swan lumps, and it's called Goosebumps. Little Kevin Braverman was a very brave little boy. Oh, he's aptly named. And he was also very Kevinly, which as we know means Swedish. Are you saying sweet-ish? Sweet-ish, yes. Like he's kind of sweet? Stop interrupting me, you little shit-bird. And Kevin Braverman was constantly being bullied at school. Oh, Kevin Braverman, if you're so brave, you'll go spend a night in the old McMansion.

He's a coward like you, Kyle. He's a coward like you.

I'm a coward. Also, that doesn't sound like bullying. That sounds like he's being challenged.

Well, one man's challenge is another man's bully. Kevin Braverman thought, I can spend a night in the old place. It's not as haunted as everyone says. So he crapped up to the old house.

He crapped or creeped? I'm sorry? He said he crapped up to the old house. Would it be creeped? What are you, a fucking, fucking editor? I am for the school newspaper. Really? Go Knights. What's NIGHT? NIGHTs. Great.

Nice. That time is when I come alive. Perfect. What do you charge? We should talk. My editor, I think he's fucking screwing me over here. You couldn't afford me.

What happened next? What happened to Kevin Braverman?

Kevin Braverman opens the door.

Creeping the door sound.

And walked into the house.

Creeping floor sound.

And he shut the door. But he went fast asleep. But little did he know, an old author who was very crazy lived in the house and the author murdered Kevin Braverman with, uh, he clubbed him to death with a fucking book because Kevin Braverman and his dipshit little friend would follow the author into the woods at all hours of the night and the author was just trying to get out there to masturbate because his damn wife won't let him do it in the house.

What was the author's name? What was the author's name?

Look at my arm, I have swan lumps.

That author's name, Book Close, was J.P.

Riddles, a club, a club, a club, a club. We're in a club now, thank you.

You gave us these jackets. You're welcome, enjoy. Members only. Members only. Do you think R.L.

Stine's gonna sue you?

What's that? Yeah, I do think R.L. Stine's gonna sue me, but not for this.

But not for this.

Oh, and we actually have a special guest to read this riddle. Okay. And that is J.P. Riddles himself reading the riddle from one of his famous swan lumps books.

Let's gather around. Let's gather around.

Let's gather around the campfire.

Well, hello there children. Hi J.P. Riddles. Oh, it's me, J.P.

Riddles. You look worse.

That's what I just said.

What do you mean I look worse?

You look like you've aged 20 years.

Yeah, since the last time we saw you, which was just a couple days ago.

Well, yeah. Well, last time it was night and this is the day.

Have you just been eating all these chef birdie spaghettios?

No, these are neighborhood kids throw these in my yard. They're cold. Well, they're empty. What do you mean they're cold? It's canned.

Are you living out here?

No, I live in the house. Why would I live in the yard?

I can see one of your testicles through your shorts.

That's the way the shorts were designed.

I don't think so. Billabong doesn't make shorts like that.

Billabong makes it cool. Billabong bells. I don't, I can't afford Billabongs.

You shit boy, or D all over your fingers.

Yeah, well, I had to clear off the cans from the yard. Every part of this is explainable.

Why is it on the corner of your mouth?

Well, I tripped when I was cleaning it up and I rubbed, you know when you rub your finger in your mouth like you got an idea or a secret? Oh, yeah.

Anyway. Read the story.

Would you like to hear one of my swan lumps or not?

Yes.

Why does the town call you the worst man that's ever lived?

Okay, well, I lost one vote to have my name replaced with that and that's what I am.

And we have a statue for R.L. Stein in the middle of town. Why don't we have a statue for you?

Oh boy. Well, you know, J.P. Riddles had a statue put up, but I guess it was deemed to be pornography by the... By the judicial board and I lost a court case and so now the statue's here in my yard. And as you can see, it's covered in Chef Boyardee cans because some of the naughtier parts. Can I read my swan lump or not?

Why would you sculpt one testicle coming out of the shorts?

Swan lumps.

That's one of my swan lumps. All right. Okay. This is a riddle from the Cuckoo Birds Conundrum, Swan Lumps 104.

That J.K. Rowling book?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. J.P. Riddles didn't mean to yell. Ah, this is a riddle from the Cuckoo Birds' Conundrum. Swanlumps 1-0.

J.P. Riddles, J.K. Rowling. Are you related to J.K. Rowling?

What's the riddle? Let me read the riddle. They have not flesh, nor feathers, nor scales, nor bone. Yet they have fingers and thumbs of their own. Dog is dog. What? Oh, it's dogs. Is it you? Wait, I got flesh and bones. I can bone all night. I'll have you kids know.

Are you okay?

I'm fine. I'm full of Chef Boyardee. I'm living in my yard. I'm good.

You said you didn't eat. Oh, brother.

Can you repeat, I can bone all night into this tape recorder?

All right. Here's the riddle one more time. It's from the Kookaburra Skid Nodrum, Swan Lumps 104 or 9. It's for both. I repeated a book. They have not flesh, nor feathers, nor scales, nor bone, yet they have fingers and thumbs of their own. What are they? Gloves. All the gloves.

So worth it.

That journey could have been shorter. What's your name, smart guy?

My name is Michael.

Michael. What's your last name, Michael? Michael Michaelson, I have another little swan that's for you. You ready for it?

Oh, it's not over.

Yeah, there's another one.

Why are you just raising the back of your hands?

Here's one for you, little buddy. There once was an annoying shitbird brat. Who lived in a small town with an angry pervert. And this pervert had been kicked out of his house by a wife who hates him and so he's in his yard with his pornography statue and he's eating Chef Boyardee off the ground. And it's not Chef Boyardee, he bought in a store, mind you, it's Chef Boyardee that neighborhood boys and girls have thrown at him. But he's making... He's making the best out of a bad situation. He's getting a little meal. And sure, he's cutting his fingers up pretty bad on those cans, but makes the fingers bloody. Oh, the blood hides the pain. Anyway, this dumb, shit-burnt little kid comes in and runs his mouth off because he thinks he knows the answer to the riddle. And guess what he does? He's the smartest boy in town. But I'll tell you something this little kid doesn't know. I'm gonna stab you in the heart and give you hepatitis.

Is it gloves?

It's gloves. Actually, can I hear it again?

Oh, boy. All right.

Good night, everybody.

It's 11. It's 3 a.m.

Wow. Thanks, J.P. Riddles. I always love it when he stops by and does one of his...

J.P.C., you were just in the bathroom. You missed it. Oh, man. J.P. Riddles was here.

I was just in the corner peeing on myself.

It took forever.

Well, you know what? I'm peashy. Yeah. There's people, a lot of screaming. Speaking of kids, I think that we should travel back to one of our lost episodes.

This is one... Oh, when the podcast used to be about solving the puzzles and riddles in the 20 show last.

So this episode you're probably going to notice has a pretty big glaring audio flare in it. But we're going to go back to it anyway, because this is one of our favorite segments. It is a return to Swan Lumps and our old friend J.P. Riddles.

Mr. Riddles, can I ask you something?

Can I ask you something? If it's not Penny's boat, whose boat was it? Shut up. You shut up. No more questions out of you.

What's your smoke monster?

Shut up.

Mr. Riddles. Mr. Riddles.

Yeah, you're the blonde girl, although that does not look like a good hair color for you. I recommend fixing that. It's not going to go well for you, sweetie. Hey Mr. Riddle, calm down. She didn't dye it. She was frightened. Alright, calm down front teeth.

Mr. Riddles, do you like being our babysitter?

Do I like being your babysitter? Did I need the money? Both of those questions are no. As you know, I do have a considerable amount of money that is being held by the federal government until I can prove that I'm a human person.

Can you read us a chapter from one of your famous books while we all indulge in a 12-ounce bottle of surge?

Yes, you can now.

Mr. Riddles, what were the numbers that Desmond had to take into the... Why don't we just read one of my books, okay?

Another of these fucking questions about a show I only saw four seats itself, okay?

And Mr. Riddles, why don't you have kids of your own?

Why don't I have kids of my own? Kids in the neighborhood say you got a broke dick. They say that that doesn't work.

Kids in the neighborhood said that you spent the better part of the year trying to make a puppet come alive to be your son.

Some people say puppets, some people say puppies.

The answer to that question is in swan lumps 276. A lump in the back of the goat. Oh no. Do you want to hear the story or not? This is the only autobiographical swan lumps I ever wrote.

Sissy, sissy. That's a blank journal.

Now do you kids want to hear it? Soire Loves 276, the lub in the back of the goat.

All right. Yeah, but Mr. Riddles, you're covered in crumbs. You just covered head to toe in crumbs.

These are not crumbs. These are sequins from a sweatshirt I ate.

Will you promise when you say back of the goat that you don't say it in the voice of Adam Sandler?

I will not promise that I won't take back of the goat.

Alright, shut up now.

Now here's what's going on and you're back of the goat. Alright. It was a dark and stormy St. Patrick's Day morning. When a little kid, let's just call him Billy.

That's my name.

Oh, is it? Good. Well Billy and his dumb ass little sister who had a bad day job and an even worse personality, came and bothered old, let's just call him, J.P. Riddles.

Why did Boone have to die? He was so handsome.

He had just finished eating a sweet, sweet, sweet sweatshirt. And oh boy he had them secret crumbs dribbling all down his chest. And they asked him a bunch of bullshit questions about how we spent, oh I don't know, 18 months trying to make a puppet come to life and eventually he shoved a little puppy's organs in the puppet. Try to push it all together and make that live, but you know, that didn't work out so well for old J.P. Riddles. And so he put out a bulletin board and said, I'd like to watch everyone's kids. And I charged $9 and those fucking asshole parents haggled him down to $7.50 an hour, which he can't live on, but they were like, you know, what is life for a man like you in any way? Hey Riddle. Oh, they shot him and it hurt. Oh, it hurt. It went right through those couch cushions and old J.P. Riddles died. He died and he cursed those damn kids, Billy and Bad Die.

He cut the J.P. Riddles funeral where a relative is speaking.

J.P. Riddles has faked his death more than any man I know. It's almost weekly. So I'm gonna keep reading the speech I've read every time.

I have a few things to say. A ghost!

It's the puppet boy with the puppy organs.

As an ambulatory puppet with puppy organs, I feel like I knew J.P. Riddles better than anyone. He was a terrible man.

Crunch in the butt.

What was it? Crunch in the butt?

What was the thing?

I don't know what you're talking about. We're in present day. Why would I know a future phrase? I mean it's probably something cool like crunch butt upside down.

I think I knew J.P. Riddles better than anyone. Oh hey J.P. Riddle. No, my name is John Patrick Coan. I'm the author of the very popular J.P. Riddles books where there exists a world where a character named J.P. Riddles writes a popular series of books called Swan Bumps.

Oh, like Lemony Snicket did?

Oh, is this like a Lemony Snicket?

Oh, I missed J.P. Riddles.

I'm going to be honest with you. I don't know. I hate him.

Also, has anyone drawn J.P. Riddles yet?

I've heard, and this is folklore, common folklore, that he cannot be drawn because the vestige that you would draw would be so dreadful that it would chill you very wide.

I'm always happy to break some swan lumps into this.

Hello. Who goes there? Who goes there?

Hey, it's us. It's us.

Oh, you're those two kids who keep following me around.

Where you're missing nephew, please.

Okay, now, unconfirmed.

We came into the woods because we wanted to learn about nature and we have an insect book where you check next to the insect that you get used to.

Let me see that insect book. None of this is food. Useless. We were looking for insects, specifically an earwig.

Did you know that an earwig

Is a bug?

What else is down there with you? Here, let me shine this flashlight.

There's a raccoon penis bone. Some empty Lunchables containers. They were the pizza kind, but... Did you eat them? No, the raccoon ate them and then I ate the raccoon. All that's left is a little penis bone down here.

Did he taste like pizza?

Oh God, no, he tasted like trash and death and cigarettes and stale ash.

Why are you balls deep in a Jimmy John sandwich?

Oh, that's what this is? Well, damn, I've ruined it. I've ruined it, but okay, that makes more sense. You could have eaten that. Definitely could have eaten that. You could have eaten that.

What else is down there?

Okay, there's some loose cigarettes, some loosies as they're called.

Tell us a story and use everything you see down there.

Okay, and the other thing that's down here is one of our famous swan lumps.

Yay, swan lumps! Wait. Charlie, I'll go to my nephew, your nephew Charlie.

First of all, you're not my nephew. Okay, I don't have a brother anymore.

I'm Charlie, and this is Wilson's War.

Thanks for watching!

You're here. How was the story? I dug this grave to die in, but since you kids are here, and since I got one of my swan lumps, I might as well give you all a little story.

Here's a flashlight.

Okay, thank you. I can't eat this. I'm gonna huck it into the woods. Hurry up. All right.

Did you say huck it into the woods? Is that like Chuck?

But without the scene? I'm not getting sued. Okay, NBC's Chuck is litigious. He's in that new movie about being a superhero.

We really needed that flashlight. It's dark.

Zachary Levi went away for a couple of years. Then he was in Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. Now he's back and he's a superhero. Okay.

Erin Keif thinks he's really handsome. Sometimes she cites him as being her exact type.

He's too tall. How does he play opposite of anybody? He's 6'5", 6'6". That's why it's his name.

In Shazam, they put them opposite kids. That's true. Yeah, okay. To accentuate the difference.

Looks like everybody got a fucking answer for old J.P. Riddles. Tell us the story. I will, I will. Okay, this is Swannlumps122. Say it like Borat.

What? Say Swannlumps like Borat. Swannlumps!

There's a Swannlumps122, the old man who laid down his own grave. Okay, here we go. Once upon a time, there was a very old man who was so old, he didn't want to let them- How old was he? There's not a call to respond, so- How old was he? Okay, he was 105 years old. He was so sick of this world, sick of all the pissy, miscreant shitballs, little last bird kids. How sick was he? Walking around with their scare boards and their fucking not food flash- Scare boards?

What's a scare board?

Raccoon Peter says that he decided that he was just gonna lay down a grave in it all. So he ate a bunch of bricks. Suck himself into the down of a deep hole in a forest. Well, well, wouldn't you know two shit little bird kids that are his stupid brother who he does not respect's kids. Charlie and Wilson's war came out of the forest and old J.P. Riddles was so full of fucking fake crab meat and raccoon parts that... When you got to the raccoon's stomach, that didn't taste like pizza vegetables?

Is that a throw out the stomach? And if you would have asked, I would have bought you imitation crab meat. Fake crab meat's terrible.

Fake crab meat is what old J.P. Riddles told himself he was eating to get that raccoon down. Anyway, anyhow, anywho, he killed those little kids.

I want to go home.

Yeah, we all want to go home.

I want to find a bug and I want my flashlight back.

Okay, well, you know what? Let me boost you out of this grave here. It's okay, my shoulders don't dust, turns to sand, Egypt wins, blow it away. Say it.

I missed, I missed him. That sound, I want my text sound. I love you for throwing the flashlight. I love it.

One of the fun things about playing characters is doing, like, laughing at characters or doing something as a character that you weren't expecting to do. Like, make a sound of a character exerting themselves just to see what it's going to be. Like, oh, what does this sound like to this person?

Oh, it's so funny. God, that is my favorite thing about this show, is J.P. Riddle. I'm not even joking.

Yes, Adal, Erin, come into my laboratory.

Come in, come in! Oh, is this about the Monster Mash?

No, no, no. This is, it's early in the morning. Oh, you're working in your lab early? Early in the morning, yes. And I wasn't up all night.

Look at all these chemicals in beetroot.

Why do you have dancing shoes when you were doing the Monster Mash?

No, no, it's not about that. That's a different thing. Look, I have been creating something in my lab. I call it the Triple Helix. It's a brand new strand of DNA. Isn't that also an ice skating move?

Isn't that also the name of our favorite mattress?

What, ice skating moves? No. Okay, good, because their mattresses are horrible. Ice skating move mattresses, they're bad.

Well, they're ice.

They're ice, they're all ice. What, you think, oh no, I've done it again. I've invented something that already exists, the Helix mattress. Hold on, I'm getting a text from a king. Yeah, take your time.

Oh, it looks like you said, I sleep on a Helix mattress.

Well, he's actually, he's asking me what kind of mattress he should sleep on. And what do you say?

Your thing.

He should take a sleep quiz. The copy. He should take a sleep quiz because Helix sleep can match him in only two minutes to his body type to have him know his sleep preferences and find the perfect mattress for him.

What if he's a side sleeper? Hot sleeper.

Yeah, I was going to say, here comes the hot sleeper.

What if he likes a plush bed or a firm bed?

With helix there's no more confusion and no more compromising on an average mattress. You can get all of those features and more. They could even split down the middle if the king has a queen.

I bet it hasn't won any awards though.

Yeah Doc, can I just say I only do the best of the best, which is why I'm wearing caviar. Yes, and it has won awards.

Number one best overall mattress pick of 2019 by GQ and Wired Magazine, and those two never agree on anything. Yeah, ones for smart people and ones for fashionistas. Uh-huh, they're both for people who love mattresses. So if you want a mattress, like one that I've cooked up in my lab, go to helixsleep.com slash riddle, take their two-minute sleep quiz, and they'll match you to a customized mattress that will give you the best sleep of your life.

Where do I go?

Helixsleep.com slash Riddle. And right now, you can get up to $200 off. All you have to do is go to helixsleep.com slash Riddle. That's R-I-D-D-L-E. Why is there a Frankenstein here? Okay. Let's all do the Monster Mash. All right. It's Helix sleep. We did the Helix sleep.

The Helix sleep.

It was a graveyard sleep. The Helix sleep. No more counting sheep.

The Helix sleep. Should we compare sleeping to dying? No.

It's basically sleeping as dying.

Bell, bell, bell, bell, bell.

Mom? What? Can we stay with Uncle J.P. Riddles?

Are you kidding? You want to stay with J.P. Riddles? You know I'm going to give him a call. I'm going to give him a call. I'm going to give him a call.

He doesn't have a phone.

He just has that tin can connected to a goat. I'm calling it. I'm calling it. Ready? J.P.

Riddles. Move over goat. Get out of here. You take too much of my salmon. I said half the salmon. You took more than half.

J.P.

Hold on.

It's your sister.

I don't have a sister.

You have a sister. I don't have a damn sister. We're twins. We're twins.

All right Molly, what do you want?

All right, here's the thing.

Yeah?

The kids want to stay with you for a spell. Can they stay with you?

Hey, by the way, those peanuts that you gave me, I tried eating them. They were comics, Molly. I'm hungry.

Every time I send you something- And my home is wet. It's raining outside and you live outside.

We cut to the home of Charles Schultz as the doorbell rings. Oh, hello. Can I help you?

Yeah, I got a complaint.

You think Lionel is too funny? What? You think like Lionel is too funny?

I think Lionel is too funny?

Sorry, my wife's a teacher.

Sorry, my wife's a teacher.

I do want to see a scene again again.

Oh my goodness. This will be a swan lumps

This will be old classic, old Vlasic J.P. Riddles. Old Vlasic J.P. Riddles. And J.P. Riddles, you are with your Erin and I, who are your niece and nephew, I think we've established. For sure. Half-heartedly. Yep. And you're gonna be telling, you're gonna be tucking us in with a bedtime story that's kind of like 101 Dalmatians, but it's your own little twist. Okay. When will our parents be home? When is our mom and dad coming back?

They went to Rome and they forgot to hire a babysitter so they'll be back in a couple of weeks as soon as they're done with the little trip there to the Vatican and all of the Pope and all his castles. But you're stuck with old J.P. Riddles until further notice.

They didn't hire a babysitter meaning that they don't know that you're watching us?

No, I intercepted a phone call. They called a babysitting service. I've been putting flyers all around the neighborhood. All of those flyers lead back to a phone number that's a burner phone. And a squirrel took the burner phone from me and he went up into a tree. But I climbed that tree at night time and I strangled that squirrel and I ate his tail.

J.P.

Riddles. And so I intercepted the call from your parents. I disguised my voice. I'll have Mrs. Doubtfire. Oh, well hello. I'd be happy to schedule a babysitting service for you when you go to Rome. And now here I am in a big house in a nice neighborhood, eating peanut butter out of the jar. No spoons for old J.P. Riddles.

They would have let you watch us. You're a beloved family member.

Ah, but I ain't gonna take charity from nobody, okay? And now J.P. Riddles has the run of the house. And these are your dad's pants and this is your mom's blouse. Uncle J.P. What's that? Now don't call me Uncle J.P. Riddles. So you call me Dr. Riddles if you please. Dr. Riddles? J.P.

Riddles. Why did you eat that squirrel tail if you were gonna come over here and eat peanut butter? Well, you know, a plan's a plan.

Revenge is a different thing. So, anyway, climb up into the bed, okay? And I know that I pushed two sofas together and I'm calling that a bed because I'm taking all the beds in the house. Can you read us a story? Yes, what do you want, little one?

Are you wearing our mom's perfume? Because it smells like it.

I'm not wearing your mom's perfume. I drank your mom's perfume because I thought I was having a big glass of brandy. J.P. just hasn't had alcohol in quite some time unless you count squirrel urine which does fuck you up pretty good.

J.P.

Riddles? It's not really the same as alcohol. Climb into bed. Now what do you want now little girl?

It looks like your hair was on fire recently.

Okay, well, I did have to watch all of Mrs. Doubtfire and I tried to recreate a couple of scenes and I didn't let my hair on fire.

You look more like Fiery Marshall Bill from In Living Color.

He's right. My brother's right.

I don't know how you fucking make that reference. You're a little 13-year-old miscreant. Everybody climb into the couch bed, you old Uncle J.P. Riddle. Hold on now. What do you want, little girl? I'd like to take one more question from you.

You've had the same piece of spinach in your teeth since I was born. Why don't you take it out?

I would love to take it out, but this piece of spinach was surgically inserted into my teeth by a doctor that was dying to wish that I keep it here.

Same comment as my sister, but the fork in your neck?

Well, J.P. Riddles started watching Mrs. Doubtfire, but apparently I was watching the movie Frankenstein and I did a couple of things wrong and then about halfway to the movie I realized my mistake and started watching the right movie.

It's not even two forks on each end, it's one fork all the way through.

It's one fork all the way through. I think I nicked something important.

It's a plastic fork.

It is indeed, so I'm just going to wait until it biodegrades. Now get into bed and I want to read you this story. Tell us a story. Okay, now this is one of my famous Swann Lumps books. This is Swann Lumps 22. Swann Lumps 22, the man who made one coat out of one dog. Okay, so once upon a time there was an old hermity man and he had a horrible shitty life and he lived out in the yard and he had no friends and no family and one day his no good brother and his beautiful wife went to Rome. Yes, he went to Rome on a vacation, an old J.P. I mean this man in the woods. Snuck into the house and he found that there was a dog guard in the house and he made quick work of that dog and by that I mean he took about 45 minutes and let the dog bite him all over but finally he strangled that dog with the noise back pocket and fight and he cut the dog up and made a dog that we love that we've rescued and Backstage is gone, okay? He went to Rome with your parents.

He closes his eyes and holds up a sock puppet. It's like a Mick Foley situation.

Mankind is sort of a... He's not even moving his mouth. The sound's actually coming from the puppet.

I do it all from the top of a steel cage.

Wait, oh my god. I know that smell. J.P. Riddles is somewhere close. Oh god.

Oh yeah, that... Oh boy, that is J.P. Riddles. J.P. Riddles, why don't you come in here? Oh, and you got your niece and nephew with you. May someone cook in food in here?

It smells like a hot meal in here. That's you. Damn it, it's a brick building.

You smell like a crock pot full of vomit and... J.P.

Riddles, please be nice to these people. We call leather.

We call that hook or chili.

Why?

What's that? You call that hooker over there chilly? First of all, chilly.

That hooker has a heart of gold. And he gave me a ride over here.

Wait, wait, wait. Bring her over. We're in our golden anniversary, so if she has a heart of gold... I'm sorry, I misspoke.

She's got a heart on of gold.

Wait, that's a cardboard cut out of Julia Roberts. Okay.

Mr. Riddles, Mr. Riddles, they're recording this. Don't say anything gross.

Okay, okay. Don't embarrass us. I did bring my niece and my nephew here. Yeah, we're here. They wanted to have a hot meal and I said there's nothing hotter than what's going on in this podcast studio. So what is going on in this podcast studio?

We're doing our Hey Riddle 50th episode.

50 episodes! Wow, what an accomplishment. Not like me, who's written over 300 Swanlumps books.

Would you, as a treat for our listeners, would you mind reading one of your Swanlumps stories? Actually, specifically, book number 50?

Yeah.

Oh, you want me to read Swanlumps 50? Or 69?

Mr. Riddles. Okay, I'll do Swanlumps 50.

Tell them what podcast you think that you're on right now, though.

This is car talk. I know because there's a talking car right there, a talking car right there. Okay, hold on. This is here, okay. Let me see. Mr. Riddles? You can call me Jack.

What?

Call me Jack!

We've just found out your first name?

No, I just watched Pirates of the Caribbean today and I want to be like Johnny Depp. Not like Johnny Depp!

Mr. Riddles, the entire back of your pants is covered in blood. No blood in the front, only the back.

That's not blood, that's piss. How did you piss the back of your pants? Did you sit on your dick? Not me, but... Good question. Somebody else sat on your dick backwards to reveal the flow. Alright, now hold on. This is Swan Lumps number 50.

Mr. Riddles, tell them what you think podcasts are.

Okay, I told you I think podcasts are pop tarts. Now this is Swan Lumps number 50, the man who came into his podcast to get a hot meal. Well, once upon a time there was a man who was a classically misunderstood, kind of handsome man about town, a cavalier, devil may care attitude.

The blood's moving to the front.

He took his two little dipshit, he played for the cavaliers, down to a podcast studio because he thought the podcast was pop tarts and he wanted to get a hot meal and ain't nothing like a hot blueberry pop tart. So J.P. Riddles, the old man who's a handsome devil, walked into that podcast studio but it was a freaking ambush and inside that studio was three little miscreants, a J.P.C., an Adal, a little what's-her-name.

I'm a car.

And he had two talking cars that were shifted looking motherfuckers. And anyway, old J.P. pulled out the squab which was full of fake blood from his pants Dashed them all in the eyes and then stole all their pop-tarts, aka microphones, and started eating all those things until Brad Garrett came out of nowhere and popped them in the back of the head with a sock full of quarters.

Oh, you didn't even open up a book.

Alright kids, come on, we're getting out of here. Brad Garrett gonna pop me a sock full of quarters.

Can we get a hot meal somewhere? No hot meals!

No hot meals!

Wow, that was a... That was disruptive.

J.P.C., you were real quiet during that one. I'm sorry, but when you're in the presence of fucking talent, you shut your mouth.

Yeah, J.P.C. classically read Swan Lumps growing up and refused to read.

I stand J.P. Riddles. You're purist, right? Yeah, absolutely. And I'm a big, big fan of it. He can do no wrong in my book. Yeah.

It is Humpty Dumpty and it appears in Who's nursery rhyme. The Queen of Swans, Mother Lumps, Father Lumps.

Oh my God. I know we heard from J.P. Riddles recently. Um, but we gotta see. We gotta see a swan Lumps. You're not going to be. Mother Goose, J.P. Z, you're going to be Mother Swan, which is J.P. Z or J.P. Riddle's great, great, great grandmother. And she is very similar.

Has to be Matriarch swan. Matriarch swan.

Adal Rifai, Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan on the episode "#75.

Okay, now the question on the table as it stands is why do I live in a big shoe? Because would you want to live in a small shoe? No, that would be uncomfortable. A big shoe, perfect, because it's got lots of room.

Why are you making that fork and that spoon kiss?

I'm actually not. I'm making this fork get spooned. The fork's a little spoon, the spoon's a big spoon, regular spoon, spoon, spoon and fork, and then this is just a little thing I'm trying out.

Is it true that you got all your stories from a nightmare world that you entered into behind that tree over there?

Partially true. What's it called? I did take a spin around that tree, a big coconut fell in my head and now my whole life is a nightmare because nothing makes sense and every four or five words I get them all jumbled around in my mind so it's a huge nightmare for me.

You think those possums hanging in the tree are coconuts?

I know they go coconuts for being called possums because I called them that and they said we're trash cats and they scratched at my face and they tried to climb down my throat and that is coded language because I did try to eat one of those possums.

Why are there breadcrumbs leading up to your shoe?

Are those breadcrumbs? I'm making floor soup. So those are food towns, my man.

Okay, well can you read one of your new poems?

Yeah, I'd love to read one of my new poems. You got a favorite that I can read for you kids?

Can you read the one about Jack and Jill?

Oh yeah, okay. Jill was wearing a jacket to the theater because she was cold. And a boyfriend, Bill, was like, I'm cold too. Let me get that jacket. And she said, if you were cold, you should have thought about that before we left the fucking apartment and got your own jacket. He said, listen, Mariah, if I knew that I was going to be cold, then I would have brought a jacket.

Do Little Miss Muffet.

Okay, Little Miss Muffet. Little Miss Muppet sat in the fucking theater. She was wearing that jacket and old J.P. Riddles was steward mad because he was cold as hell and he wanted to get that fucking jacket on.

Do Mary Mary quite contrary?

Oh, Mary Mary, that's a personal favorite of mine. Mary Mary, quite contrary, started screaming in the middle of Hobbs and Shaw because J.P. Riddles ripped that jacket off of her and said, I'm cold too.

Do ba-ba black sheep.

Ba-ba black sheep. Well I bought the fucking jacket so I think if I paid cash money for it I should- Do you sing a song of Sixpence? Okay so, old J.P. Riddles is sitting in the back of the Sixpence police car and he's screaming at the guy because it's too cold in the police car and he can't wear his jacket because his girlfriend's finishing Hobbs and Shaw wearing it.

Can you end with three blind mice? That's my favorite.

Absolutely.

This is my brother. He doesn't have organs.

That's okay. You got pipes, are you kidding? Just pianos. All right, three blind mice. Hickory dickory dock. Three blind mice went to the doctor. The doctor said, you're all fucking blind. There's nothing I could do for you here. I'm a night doctor and you're too far gone. And they say, We're not too far gone, we got cataracts! And he goes, mice with cataracts. Well, you got yourself a problem because my dogs are barking and my feet hurt. And he's like, well, your feet should hurt because you live in your own shoes. And then he ate a big, big batch of floor soup that he had been making up from earlier that day. And he called his girlfriend who was still in opposite trauma without him. And he said, I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry. I screamed. And I went right to voicemail.

Can my brother try some of your floor soup? He's very sick.

I'm going to take a nap down here in the dirt. You guys go ahead and wake me up when it's Jesus.

Oh boy. Floor soup.

That killed Adal.

Amazing.

J.P. Riddles, J.P. Riddles, tell us a story. Tell us a story. Come on, please. One of your swan lumps, please, J.P. Riddles, please.

I don't feel up to telling the swan lumps today. Maybe come back tomorrow.

Get out of the bath and tell us a story.

Yeah, take that snake out of your penis hole.

First of all, this isn't a snake. It's a rake. I'm not in a bath. It's a calf. I'm putting a snake rake calf into my... It doesn't matter. It's a medical procedure.

Did you steal my Dr. Seuss books? What's that? Did you steal my Dr. Seuss books?

I stole someone's Dr. Peppers. I definitely drank those and they were diet caffeine free. Why even buy the Dr. Pepper at that point? Alright, what do you kids want?

A story! Also, can you take us out to ice cream?

Yeah, take us to Cold Stone. Cold Stone?

Even better, take us trick-or-treating. J.P. Riddles, tell us a story and take us trick-or-treating.

Okay, we'll do a little column A, a little column B. I'll tell you a story and on the way we're going to go to an ice cream shop and we're going to try trick-or-treating at the ice cream shop and see if we can get maybe 40, 50 free samples enough that we can formulate our own scoops back at the table. And J.P. Riddles has a special way of making ice cream scoops. They take the little napkins that they give them. I roll them up like they do their cones and then I put the ice cream samples inside the napkin. Then I put it in my pocket, forget about it, fall asleep. Wake up with a bunch of beavers covering my body, trying to get at that little ice cream. But that was by playing the whole along. I grabbed those beavers by their necks, strangle them dead. And boy oh boy, now I got beaver suits, beaver hats. J.P. Riddles is living large! Sex, Fifth Avenue, on all those beaver parts. Now, you kids wanted to hear a story, is that right?

Yeah, please tell us a story.

Alright, this one is Swan, lumps number 61. This is the old man in his trip to Ben and Jerry's. Well, the old man was very crunchity and crackity, and because he was... What's crunchity and crackity? Don't worry about that. He was all hopped up on crack and a bunch of crunch. It's a little combo of the two that he made and he snorts himself. Anyway, he snorted up a bunch of movie candy and crackled Caine and he walked into what he imagined was a Basket Roberts, but what it actually was was a bike store.

What's the difference between Baskin-Robbins and Ben and Jerry's?

Mm-hmm, 42 flavors. So anyway, he's at this bike store and he's ripping petals off the wall and he's screaming at the man. And he says, you're covered in beaver bites, you old fool. You better get out of this bike store. And he takes a fixie bike and he says, I'll take one with all the fixins. The bike owner tosses him out on his ass and he's out in the parking lot doing a A bump of baby meth, which is when you take some meth and mix it with a Baby Ruth candy bar. It's not math for babies, which babies should not do. J.P.

Riddles. Uh-huh. The other day when you said you found a baby Ruth in the pool, that was just a piece of shit.

J.P. Riddles shouldn't have been in that pool. Who's J.P.C.? J.P.C. is what he calls a pool. Because the water's so crystal blue.

J.P. Riddles, you got... J.P. Riddles?

Mm-hmm.

We went to the movies last week.

Sure.

You bought so much movie candy. What other drug movie candy combinations did you make with all that movie candy?

I'm glad you asked. Let's see, there's nachos, weed, and there's... Popcorn PCP!

J.P. Riddles. Why are your eyes completely white? What's that? Why are your eyes completely white? Because I can see the truth!

Because I know all about Obama's wars. I know what's going on. I know what's going on.

What did you do with the Twizzlers that we bought at the movies? What drawings did you put in the Twizzlers?

Twizzlers? I actually have a special use for Twizzlers. I like to use those Twizzlers as straw. J.P. Riddles, we're scared to ask this but is it true you accidentally

Actually ate one of your family members. We're too scared to ask. My brother's gonna ask the question.

Did you eat one of your family members? We didn't hear any rumors, we just saw your tattoo. Oh yeah. It's a picture of you eating someone and there's an arrow that says family.

Well, this is actually half a tattoo and half a gopher bite that came along to make it look like a tattoo.

It has a kid from Family Circus.

Yeah, and he's paying on a Chevy logo. Sorry, circus shoes. Circus shoes. Thank you so much. Best buy, turn on the phone. Now old J.P. Riddles did indeed, unfortunately, eat a member of his family. But when I say a member, I do mean a penis. And when I say a family, he did eat his brother's penis.

Did you know William Shakespeare's penis was a dog? Shaggy dog.

A hound dog. It wasn't me. Anyway, we're here at the Ben and Jerry's.

Trick or treat, J.P. Riddles, do you have any candy? Candy that doesn't have drugs in it?

Why would you want that?

Because I like candy. Do you have any sour skittles or gummy bears?

Listen, if you like candy, you're going to love candy laced with drugs. It's some of the best stuff. Now, OK, here's the plan. We're here at the Basket Robins, or it looks like it's actually a bike shop of some sort. But I'm going to shove you kids into the door. You're going to start screaming and tearing things off. And J.P. Riddles is going to sneak in while you're making a mess. And I'm going to go to the cash register. And I'm going to plead with that thing to open up, please. And if I do get it to open up, I'm going to take the cash out of that cash register and we're going to go live like kings. We're going to go to the Aldi and get Chef Boyardee and we're going to eat to our heart's content tonight. How's that sound to you kids?

We're busy. I want to see a scene. I want to see J.P. Riddles at Thanksgiving dinner with his niece and nephew. And we'll see if J.P. C can do it.

Oh, this will be our biggest challenge yet.

No, it won't. It'll be my biggest challenge yet. You have to do nothing.

Hi Uncle J.P. Riddles. Can you pass the rolls?

Okay, best of rules. Here's the keys to my Rolls Royce. Just kidding, that's a lawnmower with a lawn chair riding on top of it. I call it my Rolls Royce, but really what it is is it's a riding mower that I turn into a standing mower. Oh boy, what are you kids doing here?

We're here for Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving? That's right! I said I'd host this year! We're thankful for you, Uncle J.P. My tree is a mess. Alright, come up into the branches. Yeah, what is this tree? This is my apartment. I leased this for my landlord. Now my landlord's a squirrel, but he's got a big, great beard, so he's wise.

Uncle J.P. Riddles, like my brother said, we're so thankful for you, so we thought we didn't want you to spend the holiday alone.

Oh, that's very nice of you, but I'm never alone. I've got the ghost of my past haunting me wherever I go.

Is this harp in the corner your bed?

That's a harpoon, actually. Oh, I'm dumb. It's a helix sleep harpoon. Ain't nothin' like a great night's sleep on a sharp rusty underwater fish sword.

You'll have a whale of a night.

That's true. Nice. Uncle J.P. Riddle?

Yes, what's going on?

Did you watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade this morning?

Yeah, did you watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade?

I did watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, but I gotta say that I was pretty dicey for me because me and Underdog have quite a rivalry. Oh.

The balloon?

Nope, not the balloon. The man the balloon's based on.

The Underdog. You mean Sam Rockwell's acting career?

How old are you? Never mind. Kids come up into the tree and I want to tell you... Now, I'm glad that I just invited you and not your judgmental parents. But, Thanksgiving is a... They're just judges.

That's what their job is. They're a judge.

Well, actually, technically they were both disbarred, or they should be, when the court gets my letter. But I did write it in squirrel blood and I made my landlord mighty mad. But I've been borrowing that from him. But I wanted to tell you kids what I'm thankful for this Thanksgiving.

What, Uncle J.P.?

Can you read a swan lumps that talks about what you're thankful for?

I absolutely can, but I have prepared a swan lumps for this very occasion.

Oh.

Ah, swan lumps 159.

His eyes are rolling back into his head to where it's only white.

Swan lumps 159, the man who fell out of the tree on Thanksgiving Day. Well, it was a brisk and cold February morning. That's redundant. Nowhere near Thanksgiving but old. The old man in the tree decided that he had been a while so he wanted to see his niece and nephew and hope that they could maybe steal some money from their parents. So he sent them a Thanksgiving letter and he sent it to their school so no one would find it. And the kids came unwittingly to the tree. Now the tree was not a load meringue tree because it's more of a shrub. And it's at the governor's mansion. That old man could not keep his weight balance in that tree and he plummeted right out and he smacked his head on the ground. Oh, but he was okay, right? Of course he was okay. He was telling the story. In fact, smacking his head on the ground, he went to the school nurse. Now, the school nurse was the only nurse that would see him because he's not allowed back in the hospital anymore because he would steal the penicillin. And the school nurse took pity on him and she said, you know, what you need is you just need a nice place to stay. And he said, can I stay here in the school? And she said, well, that would be horribly inappropriate. And she called the police and he ended up staying in jail. And so he spent his Thanksgiving February through April in a jail cell. But you know what, kids? He deserved it.

Oh, what a great story.

You ready for Thanksgiving dinner? Yeah. We're going to eat a live squirrel. Get your squirrel forks. Wait.

I'm coming for you, landlord. Uncle J.P.? Uh-huh. Why does this postage stamp have wife written on it?

Oh boy. Well, kids, it's about time you met old J.P. Riddles' wife. This stamp? Uh-huh. She's a forever stamp, so she can always stay young.

See? You did it.

You did it. Created by Adal Rifai. Starring Erin Keif and John Patrick Coan.

Casey Toney did the editing. M-R-E-P-R-I-N-T in the music. Logo created by Emily Cardamus and Emma Ina Woods.