Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

And she died the next day.

I put a few drops of Feel CBD oil under my tongue and I felt the effects within minutes. It made me feel so much better and I also was resting easy knowing I was using a natural way to make my body feel better.

CBD?

But is it for normal people like me? Well, let's... JBZ, this is a cognitive dissonance. You are not normal, but it is for you. I'm Joe Everydog. It's for Joe Everydog, it's for everyone.

If you're new to CBD, they do a really good job walking you through what it's for, how to use it, and they are going to hold your hand through the whole thing.

And I have to say, I used this recently and it is so nice. It is very premium content and it made me feel so relaxed. I was stressed out, running around the house freaking out because I had a million things to do, but a few droppies under my tongue and a whole new Adal.

Feels just like our Patreon.

Pretty new content.

They offer free CBD hotline too so you can text message them or call them and they will help you.

Yeah, if you don't know CBD, if you're new to CBD, they're going to help you out with what you got to know, what you got to do.

And they deliver it directly to your doorstep so you don't have to go anywhere to get it.

You're going to get a knock at the doorbell. It's going to be a tiny dog with a little pack of CBD tied to its back. That dog's going to come into your house. It's going to ask you for some food. That's your dog. Don't give it to food to it.

If you give the dog the food, the dog will stay forever.

JBC, hypothetically, how do you become a member and get a sweet, sweet deal?

For Feels? Well, if you want to become a member for Feels, all you have to do today is go to FeelsF-E-A-L-S dot com slash riddle and you get 50% off your first order with free shipping. You don't pay for shipping and you get 50% off.

I'm so, Japes, I'm so sorry. I was petting this dog. Can you repeat that?

Yeah, of course I can. That's Feels. F-E-A-L-S dot com slash Riddle. R-I-D-D-L-E. And you can become a member and get 50% off automatically on your first order with free shipping. That's Feels dot com slash Riddle. I named this dog CBD. Cuddly boy dog. That's a female dog. Wow. Whoops. CBD you to the punch. Feels.

Feels.

The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Oh, the Merkle fish. It was the captain of an airplane.

He stabbed him with the nice and great. And the horse was being riding.

Ooh, Shrek me, Daddy.

It's Hey Riddle Riddle. I'm Adal Rifai. I'm JP Donkey.

And I'm Erin Waffles.

You are Fiona Keif.

No, I don't have to be the girl. I can be the Waffles.

T-shirt. Stop the podcast. That's a T-shirt. And in the morning, I'm making Erin.

Oh, making me what? Waffles?

Well, that turned into a real Inception moment. How can I make you waffles when you are waffles?

Oh boy.

I choose to be the waffles.

It's babies raising babies.

Waffles having waffles, y'all. Boy, this week is Thanksgiving. This will come out later than Thanksgiving. Did I just ruin this podcast?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I ruined the mystery?

This, yeah, sure. This is probably going to come out pretty close to Thanksgiving, relatively close to Thanksgiving.

What if we had a new segment called Misdirectomy, where we try and take out a mystery and solve it?

Okay, now you're pitching a segment without having any content for the segment. Yeah. Okay, great. So, fans, we have a new segment of the show that's called Misdirectomy. Adal chose the name. We have to have some sort of intro.

Mr. Rectomy. Erin just put on the fakest grin I've ever seen.

I'm just waiting to see what happens next. I'm just an audience member like the rest of them.

So this week's Mr. Rectomy is going to be what happened to the people at Roanoke, the colony of Roanoke that famously disappeared.

Roanoke, that's in Boston right there.

I thought it was like Virginia.

It's Boston.

It is Virginia maybe.

What do you think happened to those people? I think Roanoke in Atlantis talked on the phone and I decided to meet in the Bermuda Triangle. And then, so they're all hanging out there.

Is this a joke, a set up to a joke?

What do Roanoke, Atlantis and Adal all have in common?

They both sunk.

Uh, uh, uh, people hear about, hear about, hear about, help. JVC, I'm looking right at you. Help me.

Erin, this theory is like when Jesse, John, and Kevin all got their own rooms because I'm about to debunk it. Yeah, we had three layer bunk beds growing up.

You had three layer bunk beds?

No, no, no. But I mean, I think me and Kevin had bunk beds.

You had oops, all bunk beds? We had oops, all bunk beds.

You know what's fucked up is that I'm remembering that Kevin and I had our own rooms at my mom's house and we shared a room at dad's house. Mom richer than dad. Yeah, for sure. Mom way richer than dad.

Does dad listen to this podcast?

I don't know, not my dad.

Does any of our dads listen? I don't think my dad knows what a podcast is or what I am.

Oh, I feel a little bad, but yeah, my dad's heard an episode or two. He's been on it. Remember he's been on a Patreon episode. Go over to Patreon and my parents are on an episode.

Mariah's dad listened to a Patreon episode today. She listened to the Patreon episode that everyone, significant others were on. She listened to Mariah's dad, mom and dad listened to Mariah's episode. What did they think of Sean? They didn't have very kind things to say about Sean. They said he's trying too hard.

Yeah. They said, it sounds like he doesn't clean the microwave.

No one tries harder than Sean Coyle and I stand by that.

Yikes. That was our first misdirectomy. If you liked it, don't say anything. Should we get into this episode? I'm going to be old man puzzles.

Say it like an old man.

I'm going to be old man puzzles. Get off my puzzles. Hey kids, get off my puzzles.

Oh, excuse me. I'm going to burst through my screen door to tell you to get off my puzzles.

Get back here with my TV. What was that? And in the morning, I'm making puzzles.

Go hang out with your trampolined and your internet friends.

Ruffles, ruffles have ridges. Oops, all puzzles. Oops, all puzzles.

I was actually practicing, I told you guys I've been watching Peaky Blinders and I've been practicing, there's a character named Arthur who's the main character's brother, older brother, and I've been practicing his voice. You want to hear it? I'm ready. Who plays Arthur? Some guy, some Irish guy. Hey Tommy. Oh, it's me, Arthur Shelby. Don't mess with the Peaky fucking Blinders. Tommy. He just says Tommy a lot.

OK.

Tommy. Sounds very British.

And let me just play a clip from Peaky Blinders so that people have something to compare that to.

Oh, Tommy. It's me, your older brother. Tommy. Oh, Tommy. Great.

And let's play those. Let's do my impression with that clip at the same time. Oi Tommy, it's me, your older brother. Don't mess with the Peaky Fucking Reinders. Oi Tommy, you fucking Peaky Reinders.

Okay, and what was that third thing that... I didn't hear a third thing. Let's play it one more time and try to isolate that sound bite.

Oh, I'm the one who's the girl on the podcast and I can still do the voices of demand on the Irish show.

Pause that. We're going to continue to isolate it, but now we're going to interact with it. Great. Hello.

Hello.

Who are you?

I didn't decide the segment and it's been turned on to me.

Spirit, if you are hostile to us, you have to let us know.

You've trapped me in this impression and I hate it.

I like, I like how you said spirit, like you're talking to Siri. Spirit, turn on temperature.

It's 84 degrees outside.

Make it 98 degrees.

It's 98 Nick Lachey's outside.

Oh boy.

Is everyone having fun listening?

Oh boy. We can't pull them. We have no idea. We have no way of knowing.

Um, is Peaky Blender's good?

The first two seasons are great. Third season's pretty rough. And then from there, it's like meh.

Okay. What if the fourth season of every television show, no matter when it came on or when it originally aired, took place during a writer's strike? Like writers always had to strike during the fourth season of every television show just to see if it could survive. Because I was looking at lost episodes and it's like lost season one, 24 episodes, season two, 23 episodes, season three, 25 episodes, season four, nine episodes. I was like, oh, I remember what happened.

I remember that when TV was bad.

All TV was ruined immediately.

Took a real dip. Let's get into some, maybe we'll do some warm-up riddies. Let's start with this. And this is relevant and apropos of what we just did. What country's capital is growing fastest? What country's capital is growing fastest? What country's capital is growing fastest? Djibouti. Because you're eating too much bam. Bam. Djibouti. Adal's booty's growing fast. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven ate your booty. What country's capital is growing fastest? Ooh, I just thought of a fun joke. Madrid Racing. Why was six afraid of seven? Why? Because at the end, you know, Gwyneth Paltrow's head's in that box. Oh, come on. Kevin Spacey's there.

I always think, I go, why does... My brain's too tired to think of this out. I was like the movie seven has come up a lot lately and then I realized it just I've been hanging out with you guys and you've been talking a lot about the movie seven.

Adal, why was six afraid of seven? Why? Because that like knife strapped to the dildo. That was like fucking hurt so bad. Is that in the movie seven? Yes. A knife on a dildo? Yeah, remember the... A dildo? A knife? So what are the seven deadly sins? A breed, gluttony, lust. That lust. Think about how the lust person died.

Um, yeah, not great. Kiss to death.

Nope.

Knife on Adel though?

And we're done.

That's like a raunchy vaudeville act. Knife on Adel though. What country's capital is growing fastest?

It's a play on like, it's like kid something.

Remember I said this was relevant to what we just talked about. What do we talk about? Dublin. Yeah.

Dublin. It's Dublin.

Erin got it. But what's a country?

Ireland.

And why is it Dublin?

Cause it's Dublin in size.

The answer is Ireland. Cause every year it's Dublin. Well yeah, but also Brexit's probably taking some.

I would love to go to Ireland. I've never been.

I think that it's too late. I think it's Brexit now and I think Ireland's cancelled.

I can't go?

Yeah. Dublin is very fun.

You can go to Northern Ireland. It's very fun to go to a Dublin bar and like get a Guinness. It's very satisfying.

Do you say, make it a Dublin? For a Guinness? Make it a Dublin. I love ordering a beer and asking for a double. They're like, you want two beers? And it's like, I've never had one before.

The interesting thing is that if you just say, give me a beer, they give you a Guinness. So if you don't want Guinness, you have to specify something else. Who doesn't want Guinness? If you just say, give me a pint, they'll give you Guinness. Oh, interesting.

My mom loves Guinness. The only alcohol she likes is Guinness.

I don't drink anymore, but I remember that Guinness was a beer that I would be able to drink at like room temperature.

Would you ever try for a Guinness world record? And if so, which one? Longest fingernails? I try. I used to be obsessed with that book.

I want to win hottest face.

Hottest. In terms of temperature?

Temperature. No, no, no.

Well then, Erin, my friend, you already won.

Oh, thank you. I think that I have an actual chance of winning most punched to death douchebag. What's the Guinness World Record that you think may be reasonable? That you could do? Weirdest dick.

The person who put up with JPC and Adal the longest.

That's one you could reasonably win. Adal, what's one that you could reasonably win?

That I could reasonably win. Most plaid?

Biggest chunt. Coldest eyes.

Longest nap. Shark.

Deadest inside? Sharkest heart. Oh look, the Sharkest Heart.

Sharkest Heart sounds like a teen heart throb that's gonna be popular in a couple years. Sharkest Heart.

Sharkest Heart sounds like a Disney Plus original. Can I see a scene?

Can I see a scene? GBC, you're Sharkest Heart, you're a teen heart throb, and Adal you've been waiting in line for like 10 hours and now here's your chance to meet Sharkest Heart.

Hey everybody, thanks so much for coming out tonight. I love you, peace to Minneapolis, I love you so much.

Door slam. Hello. I was waiting inside the door. Oh. I slept behind you while you were siding autographs. Oh my god. Okay. Hello.

Hi, I'm Sharkest.

My name is Quint.

My name's Quint. My name is Quint. Were you at the show tonight, Quint?

Yes, I was. You were wonderful. I'm such a big fan. I'm so sorry. It's always nice to meet a fan. I'm being weird.

No, you're not being weird.

Chum. Chumming up my love for you. Chum.

This isn't one of my songs.

No, I was inspired by you two at my own songs.

You wrote me a song?

Yes. Okay. We're gonna need a bigger boat from my heart. Bigger boat from my heart.

So it's chugging up the bigger boat. Actually, do you mind if I get a pen and paper and write some of this stuff down? Use my chalkboard. No, I'll use the pen and paper. Go ahead and do... No, use my chalkboard. Okay, you're right. This is better. Go ahead and give me another one.

What's your name is Quint? My name is Quint.

I don't know what's happened to you recently, but you've been producing hit after hit, Sharkest. What's next? What's your next big song?

Scary Spice is right. What is your next big song?

I guess you could say that I have a quintessential album coming out.

Sing the song.

Well, I guess you could say that it couldn't be long before my album hits the public. That doesn't make any sense. Well, in a quaint way of saying it, it might make a little more sense. You ready for my big song? Yes. Shocking in the ocean of love. Swimming fast now. Tanger shark. Step, step, step. Tanger swimming in the ocean of love. Girl shark. Step, step.

Did you say girl shark?

I listened to your new album. What did you think? I thought you were going to rip off some of my songs, but then you sing your own songs.

I forgot all of them. You had me put it on a chalkboard.

My love never stops moving or it dies.

Did you say girl shark?

Girl Shark. Yeah, it was the end of Tiger Shark, but it sounds like Girl Shark. What was the name of your character? Heart Shark? No, what was it?

Shark Parkman?

No, that's your Instagram. What was the... What? What did we just say? We can't remember it.

Oh, Sharkest Heart.

Sharkest Heart. Sharkest Heart. Sharkest Heart. Sharkest Heart. I had to do that. Sharks are all out now.

Next... Riddle.

Next Riddle, how did a five-year-old lift up 50 pounds with one hand?

They lifted themselves up.

What's that now? They grabbed into a bar and they pulled themselves up. The five-year-old is more than 50 pounds? Yeah, I do. Pulling himself off a cliff. Actually, yes.

I do think a five-year-old is 50 pounds. Yeah, I do. 100%. I guarantee you five-year-olds are either 49 pounds or 51 pounds.

Hey Siri.

Yes.

Hey Spirit. What is the average weight of a five-year-old?

Is this the first something weird again?

Okay, hold on. You're a British? This isn't my phone. This is not my phone. I took this from someone.

Why did Siri just say, give it to me daddy?

Okay. Five-year-olds are typically 50 pounds.

Does it say?

No, I just made that up.

Answer my riddle. How does a five-year-old lift up 50 pounds with one hand?

It's money, my dear boy.

And it's not lifting up themselves. It's money. He's using the pound system for money. Five-year-olds famously have wheat upper bodies.

British pounds.

British pounds. That's a great guess, but you are wrong. That's wrong? How did a five-year-old lift up 50 pounds with one hand?

You haven't met the five-year-olds who've beat me up.

You haven't met the five-year-olds of my dreams. I want to see a scene. JPC, you are the world's strongest five-year-old. Erin, you are babysitting the world's strongest five-year-old.

Hey bud, do you want to play- I want to play marbles. You want to play marbles?

I want to play with marboros.

Well you actually can't play with marbles anymore.

I don't want to play with marbles. I want to play with marboros.

Okay, well you can't play with those or marbles because you just- you keep throwing them through the window bud. It keeps breaking all the glass.

I don't care. I want to vape. You can't. You can't vape.

We realize that it's just as bad as smoking.

I want mango vape.

No, ew.

They should regulate the amount of nicotine inside of the vape liquid. I want mango vape.

No, I'm sorry.

I get plumage. I get sick plumage.

I really don't want to encourage this. People don't look cool vaping. They think they look cool. They don't look cool.

I can blow big clouds. Please let me blow big clouds.

No, no. Let's just play a quiet game. Here, let's play a game. Ready?

I'm going to whip your arms off. No, please don't. I'm going to whip them off.

No, please.

Let me vape. Give me a jewel or I'll whip them off.

Okay. Um, Ooh, see, look, I made a jewel and here you go.

I'm holding you on the ceiling now.

Okay.

You're here on the ceiling until you won't come down until I get to vape or smoke a marble.

Okay. You can, you can vape. You can vape.

Thank you.

What's vape?

Same.

Same. You can vape. You can vape. Thank you JPC for playing the weirdest five-year-old.

You know what? You're right. Five-year-olds are probably about 40 pounds.

How did a five-year-old lift up 50 pounds with one hand?

I don't know. 50 pounds with one hand.

I'm ready for a hint or the answer.

Oh, I'm ready for a hint as well.

Okay, we're still in the warm-up section. The hint is maybe he didn't do it all at once. Is that the answer also? That's the answer. He lifted one pound fifty times. Damn, so one pound's a lot for a five-year-old. Bet you all feel pretty dumb.

One pound's a lot for me and my weak ass arms. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Five pound weights made me sore.

Let's say that you have to bench press. What's your max if you had to bench press?

Do I have a ton of adrenaline? Am I lifting a bench press off of a baby?

You're being chased. You're being chased.

You're at your normal, whatever your median is, which is like 90% sleepy.

In order to answer this, how much can you bench press, JPC, on your...

Average. So I have no idea. I know that a bar, the bar, simply the bar is 45 pounds.

The max I did, and this is just one rep was 265. Man, maxed out. Was this during college? This was my freshman year of college. Yeah, because you played sports back then, right? And I played high school football. A hundred? And college basketball.

You could do a hundred.

A hundred. A hundred.

I think I could do... Maybe a little bit more, like a hundred pounds. No idea if I could. I think I could do a hundred and fifty pounds.

I think you could. Absolutely. You're really strong. You're a push-up king.

I'm a push-up king. I don't have a bench press and it's probably been Hey Riddle.

I don't know. I don't know if people are interested in that. Diet and exercise talk is really pretty boring.

What's the thing where it's um, tell that to Joe Rogan, what's the thing where it's like when people do marathons or something they sponsor people or it's like I'll give you a cent per mile or something. We should do that but we should do it with pounds. Where it's like, oh yeah, that's way more than a cent.

Lifting though, not losing. Because I want to gain muscle weight, baby.

We should do a contest to see who can get the strongest between the three of us. We should take three months, do a contest to see who can get the strongest. And the way that we decide who wins is we all get to punch Casey in the face super hard one time.

Casey says yes.

And whoever makes you hurt the most wins.

Can we insult Casey if we didn't get strong?

Absolutely.

If we forgot to get strong.

We can always do that, because Casey's going to blow you.

Nothing would be funnier than if we got superjacked as a bit. The three of us just get so strong.

And then once we do it and take like a million photos, like go to Sears and take a bunch of photos with our shirts off, well... Don't speak for me. Pants off for you.

I'm a part of this.

Then we immediately just gain our weight back. Yeah, I'd love that.

That's like Paul Rudd in Ant-Man, right?

If someone can think of a creative way for all of us to get in shape, we will do it.

There's no way that I'll ever get in shape. If you see us out in public, chase us with a knife. No. We need it. We need it.

Chase Adal with a knife.

We need it. There can be only one host.

All right, Adal.

Here's our last warm-up puzzle, and this is a special one because it was sent in by mama puzzles herself. My mother, Patty Stuckey. Was it really? Yes, it was. She messaged me the other day. She only talks to me like once a year. She didn't message me to say, I love you. She messaged me with a riddle. She said I could use on my little show. Kidding.

It's not that little.

I have a wonderful relationship with my mom. She loves me very much. How often do you call her? Um, never. When she calls me, I text her and I say, what's up? I text her and I say, driving.

I call my parents all the time. I actually drive them crazy.

Yeah. I say driving and then I send her a picture of the golf course.

I used to call my dad every day and then I stopped because I was like, I think I'm driving. I'm crazy.

And by that you mean you're in your room going, dad, dad, dad.

Yep. And he would be like, I'm in Boston.

Um, so this is sent in by mama puzzles. You are sitting inside a plane. There's a horse in front of you in a car behind you. Where are you? Disney Plus plane. I'm on a plane with planes and cars too.

There's a horse in front of me and a what behind me?

And a car behind you. You're sitting inside a plane. There's a horse in front of you and a car behind you. Where are you?

It's like a plane, not like an airplane.

Um, it's an airplane.

Oh.

You're sitting inside an airplane. There's a horse in front of you and a car behind you. And a museum? Yeah, that's a great guest. You are not in a museum.

Um, is it the movies that are playing on the front, the seat in front of you and the seat behind you?

Also a great guest, but incorrect. Can I ask you what movies you would think would have a horse in a car?

Well, cars.

And then horse.

And then horses. Adal go.

War horse.

War horse. What horse?

Hidalgo. Favorite horse.

I want to see a scene. Viggo Mortensen. Hidalgo. I want to see a scene. Japes, you are a sort of commander in the army. It can be British or American, I don't care. But you're a sort of general or commander, whichever is best for you. Erin, you are a horse who has enlisted in the army, and you are receiving orders and kind of get the lay of the land. Jesus Christ.

A scarny thing like you is the only thing that they can send out to me. How much you weigh, horse?

Hey, I weigh like 150 pounds, about as much as JPC can bench.

150 pounds? I'm real little. You're a mini horse. You think a mini horse can fight in the God's own army?

I do. I think I can sneak around because people think I'm a rocking horse when they see me.

Well, unlucky for us mini horse, but we actually need you because you're the only one we got. Now I need you to take yourself all the way to the front lines and resupply the men. Can you do that, mini horse?

Resupply them with what?

Just, uh, humor. No! They're all in poor spirits and they need a little horse to go and make some jokes for them.

Alright, I'm not a very funny person. Can you give me any jokes you want me to tell? I promise I'll deliver them just the way you did.

And we take it to the front line of the war.

Oh, a horse. This is boosting my morale. Please horse, uh, tell us a joke. Tell us a joke, horse.

Hey, I'm from Texas. Tell us a joke.

Hey Tex, shut up.

What's the difference? What's the difference between a horse and the enemy?

This is a riddle, not a joke.

Well, let's hear how it ends before we judge.

What's the difference between a horse and the people you're fighting right now, the enemy?

The horses aren't German?

The horses aren't trying to kill us? The enemy's not long in the face? We're both killing right now.

That's the difference? Oh, shoot.

What's the similarity between horses and the enemy?

We cut back to her talking to the general. Okay, what's the difference between the horse and the enemy? We're both killing right now.

Okay.

Great.

Great. Okay, I'll say it just like that.

Okay, remember that. And we take you to a German camp where the horse has been held hostage.

There, Mr. Horse, tell us a joke or we will turn you into glue. We have ways of making you squawk.

What's the difference between a horse and the enemy?

Wait, who is the enemy here? Us? Who? No, we're the good guys.

In this joke scenario, what's the difference between a horse and you guys?

What's the difference between the horse and the Nazi? A horse does not have blue eyes.

I'm killing right now. The horse is killing right now.

Blam, blam, blam.

Oh, the horse killed all the Nazis.

I'm a hero.

War horse. War horse. Check it out. I think it's a puppet.

Did I tell my war horse quick story?

Did you see a war horse? I think you have. Never mind. Did you see it?

No.

The puppet?

No. But those puppets were amazing. What's your war horse story? I already told that.

Maybe you didn't.

You tell it.

Well, I can tell you my war horse story. Go ahead. As I was coming out of war horse, I kicked something with my foot, looked down. It was a... A war horse? No, it was a bucket of Popeye chicken, and I saw a biscuit. Sea biscuit.

Sea biscuit. Sea biscuit. Oh, that's his horse. Sea biscuit. Okay, Erin, what was yours?

I guess I retailed it. My aunt worked at a library for 20 years, and she was a really thick Boston accent, and she worked in the movie. Do you have multiple family members that are librarians Yeah. I worked at a library when I was in Australia for a little bit, so I'm a part of the club. But my aunt, my mom, my cousin, both my sisters worked at a library and I was the only one who did it.

How do Aussies say library? Library.

Library.

And how do Bostonians say it?

Library. The place where you got to be real quiet. The place where you take your boyfriend to break up with him so he can't shout.

Do you only have female librarians in your family? Do you have any, there are no male librarians in the ones that you just mentioned?

I think maybe one of my guy cousins worked at the library in like high school.

Please, Gus'ons.

Gus'ons. Gus'ons are cousins.

She was by the Gus'ons.

But yeah, we're a real library family. My mom and my aunt used to work together and they had to be separated a lot because they were like, get the giggles.

Oh, you cannot get those in the library.

Yeah, they would constantly be just cracking each other up.

That's a big no no poo poo. Speaking of a big no no poo poo, you are sitting inside a plane. There's a horse in front of you and a car behind you. Where are you? You said that we had several good guesses. That's right.

That's it. What was it?

Horsepower.

Good guess, but no. It doesn't have anything to do with horsepower on an engine.

Can you give us a hint, Mr. Adal?

What about cargo? Is it cargo?

It's not escargot. The hint is while you're in this plane, you might smell popcorn. You might smell candied apples or cotton candy.

Oh, it's a carnival plane.

Uh, okay. So is it one of those, is it a ride?

Is it a ride out there?

It's a ride.

It is a ride. Okay. You have a horse in front of you in a car behind you.

It's a merry-go-round in front of you in the bumper car behind you.

Bingo, bingo, ha-tah-tah-tah. It is a carousel or a merry-go-round.

Um, can I see a scene? Um, you're like a young couple and you're, you're a teenage couple and you're at a carnival and you're trying to negotiate what ride to go on first.

Um, Tony, I kind of want to go, let's see, Ferris Wheel is nice because we can make out and see the whole lay of the land.

Yeah, but I have vertigo and if we go up there, I might puke or even hurl.

Okay, well House of Mirrors might be fun because then I can watch you finger bang me. I have body dysmorphia.

What did you think of? I'm a proud boy.

I might just be an old person who's been working at this carnival for 150 years, but my two cents is you shouldn't be with a partner who controls when you exasperate and masturbate. Back to my little lair.

Excuse me, old man. Why would anyone take advice about masturbating from an old man?

We do it more than anyone. Is it true? No.

When you masturbate, is it like a keyboard cleaner? It's just like air coming out, nothing else?

Well let me ask my oldest friend Adal Rifai. I'll get him on the phone. Hello Adal Rifai here. Adal, we're old aren't we?

Yes, I was 38 when I was on the Titanic.

My grandson is Charles Lindbergh.

I've already forgotten the question. Bye! He said he was 38 when he was on the Titanic. What was your question? It wasn't that.

This feels like something wicked this way, Cubs. It's just a novel. Am I stuck in a novel?

Are we all familiar with that book?

No. The only carnival one I know is the five people you meet in heaven. The old man who gets crushed at the carnival. And then he gets to meet five people in heaven before he goes off to his specific heaven.

The only carnival stuff I know is Clive Barker. Carnival Barker.

What are some of the five people that you'll meet in heaven, old man?

So when you masturbate when you're old. Well, what was your question? The five people you meet in heaven?

You still have a libido?

Libido is my car.

Oh, I love Ricky Martin.

I love driving a libido.

You drive a Chrysler libido?

That's a real pussy bag. Living libido loco.

Yeah, it's true. Anyways, scene.

Anyways, but it'd be scene. I was never going to let that little babe go.

No, I know. I loved him. That was my JP Riddle. What should his name be? Carnival something.

Carnival masturbate. Why don't we take a quick break, go to Carnival, get some lemon shakeups, some elephant ears, and we'll be right back. You need funnel cake? With more. What did you just say? Elephant ears.

Riddles.

Jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle. Ho, ho, ho.

Santa?

Santa?

Nope. Boy, this is disappointing. Everybody always gets to the, I'm a, I'm Helix Sleeper. Helix Sleeper?

That's actually great news.

I'm Helix Sleeper, yeah.

Why do you have sleigh bells and a sack full of mattresses?

Look, look, Helix Sleeper would do a Santa thing, but they couldn't get the rights to Santa.

I'm happier here because I need a good mattress to sleep through the night so I'm not awake when Santa comes.

Well, I can give you a good mattress, but only if you've been good. If you're bad, you have to get a store-bought department store mattress.

Helix... what's your name?

Helix... Sleepa? Helix Sleepa? Yeah, it's like the closest... Can't we call you Sleep-a-quas? Legally no. It can't be called sleeper claws. Okay, well, for couples or grandparents that split a bed, I can split a mattress right down the middle so I can accommodate a side sleeper, a hot sleeper, or someone who wants a plush bed or a firm bed.

Thank you, Sleepa Claus.

There's probably not a warranty or a way to try it out risk-free, right?

Helix Sleep actually has a 10-year warranty, and you can try it out for 100 nights risk-free. All you have to do is go to helixsleep.com slash riddle, take a two-minute sleep quiz, and they'll match you to a mattress that gives you the best sleep of your young life.

Helixsleep.com slash riddle, huh?

Mm-hmm. And right now, if you want $125 off all mattress orders, that's right, $125 off all mattress orders.

I know that normally... Sleep-a-clos, that's too much or too generous.

Santa usually gives it away for free, but me, I just give the promo with the $125 off.

Which is still great.

It's still really good. You go to helixsleep.com slash Riddle, that's R-I-D-D-L-E, helixsleep.com slash Riddle. You'll get up to $125 off your mattress order.

A great Christmas or holiday gift according to me and J.P.C. and Adal.

Stuff that in your mattress.

Okay, along with my money.

Hey Adal, Erin. Come and check this out. What's up? What do you got? Look at my hair. Okay. Pretty good? Yeah, looks great. Pretty there? Yeah. My hair there? Yeah, hair there. Guess what? What? Science. Did you guys know that two out of three guys will experience some form of male pattern baldness by the time that they're 35? Yes. In my case, way younger.

If that makes sense, I'm 37 and I'm losing my hair.

That seems like bad news. Do you have any good news?

Yeah, well the good news is that with today's advancements in science, Keif's offers proven treatments that can combat the symptoms of hair loss and help you keep the hair you have at half the cost of the local pharmacy.

So you might say you're playing for Keif's? Well, yeah, I guess I would say that.

You might say you're keeping your hair there. I'm not as smart as Adal.

Yeah, I'm keeping it real.

And Erin might say she's Erin Keips.

Yeah, I'm Erin Keips.

And Erin Keips, you don't have to go broke to avoid going bald because Keips offers generic versions of the only two FDA approved hair loss products out there. And some of you may have tried them before, but probably never for this price. Plus, Keips now offers a prescription shampoo Hey Riddle. The same Keeps that I got. And if you're ready to take action and prevent your hair loss, just go to keeps.com slash riddle and receive your first month of treatment for three. What? That's Keeps. K-E-E-P-S dot com slash riddle. R-I-D-D-L-E.

And after it's free for a month, it really only starts at $10 a month. Yeah, I know. That's crazy.

You guys gotta get on the Keeps train, and the Keeps train is leaving the station. And the station? One ticket. One ticket to Keepsville.

And keep your happy and healthy and confidence. What's wrong with confidence? Nothing. Go to Keeps.com slash Riddle. Keeps.com slash Riddle.

We should have said Herron Keeps. Herron Keeps.

Well, it's too late now. All right, we're done.

Step right up, step right up. Here, right here. You there, girl.

Yes?

Why don't you come over here and solve a riddle?

Okay, I'm a little girl.

Oh, okay. Stop hula hooping, stop hula hooping.

But I'm so good at it. Here, throw another one.

Throw another what?

Hula who bat me while I answer your riddle.

That came from the sky. I didn't throw anything at you.

Here comes another one. God's on my side today, mister.

You think God throwing hula hoops on you means he's on your side?

Ooh, God's on my side today, but still been a strong ass.

Little girl.

Yes.

Would you agree that those hula hoops are about, uh, give you about a one inch diameter berth from your body? I think what God's trying to do is recapture you.

I don't know. Hoop doo doo doo doo doo doo doo.

We cut to heaven. Step right up, step right up. If you want to win a prize, just hook a human. Throw a hoop, snag a human and win a prize. I've got it, this is heaven.

Next riddle, please. I gotta do a riddle.

Wait, that wasn't a riddle. That was madness. Great. Here's a riddle.

I'm very good at hula hooping.

Here's a little riddle about Jax and Diane.

That's my secret talent.

Yeah, your hips don't lie. Is that true?

I'm very, very, very good at hula hooping.

Do your hips lie?

No, they don't.

Can we ask your hips some questions?

Absolutely.

Hips, how old are you?

28.

Okay. Checks out. Hips, have you ever shit your pants?

Have I ever shit my pants? No, but I've seen Erin shit her pants. Does that count? I will not lie.

This is my favorite moment on the podcast of all time.

You can ask a couple more. My hips don't lie. Welcome back to Erin's Hips Don't Lie.

Okay. Let's do another base little test. Hips, how many of you are there?

Two.

Okay.

Checks out. Okay. Um, Hips, how would you describe Erin's breasts?

Um, none of your business.

Okay, I was going for the Shakira lyrics. I wasn't trying to be offensive.

Um, uh, I'll describe them. Looking for my breasts to small and humble so you don't confuse them with mountains. Um, one more.

Um, Hips, who, uh, who's your favorite president?

John F. Kelly, close second Obama.

I like that Kinley fella because he's Catholic.

I'm ready.

Okay, it took us what this is like episode 80 something. Uh-huh. It took us this long. No, it's 70 something. I'm sorry. It took us this long to do this riddle, but we're finally gonna do it. Coming back from break. What came first? The chicken or the egg? I think we've done this one before. No, I don't remember it. Really? I don't think so. And for this one, there is a right answer. This is not an historic one.

This is not the existential question. Well, let's really break this down.

What came first? So we're assuming it's Adal giving us this riddle.

The chicken, because in the sentence, the chicken came before the egg.

JPC is going to say, assuming it's Adal, the chicken, because eggs don't come. Yeah. 100% of that's what you're going to say, is that right? Is that right? Exactly. I know you two a fucking T. Yes. Call me Ford, because I know you two a T.

Am I wrong?

What was yours?

The chicken because it came first in that sentence.

Um, Erin, great guess. That is incorrect.

Uh, so my guess, I will officially submit it into the public record. Uh, eggs can't come.

Uh, you are correct, but not with the answer. Damn it.

Eggs.

Why?

Which cause they're a breakfast food and chicken isn't.

Okay. You don't have chicken sausage.

Not on purpose.

Excuse me, I asked for pancakes and these are clearly chicken sausage links.

Purely from an evolutionary perspective, I believe like reptiles have eggs and they probably evolved way before chickens. So eggs in some fashion came before chickens.

Ring ding ding ding ding, JPC got it. The answer is the egg because dinosaurs were laying eggs a long time before they were ever chickens. And actually I believe chickens are a direct descendant of raptors. That may not be true.

And what descended from chicken?

What descended from chickens? Michael J. Fox. What else? George Clooney's the fox in the heroin. George. Up in the air. I want to see a scene. You two are a dinosaur couple and you just had an egg and you're worried about, you're worried that the next generation after you might start to evolve and that's your concern as his egg is starting to hatch.

Honey, can you help me pick up this egg? My arms are too short.

Look, you married a t-rex, okay? You're a t-rex, you married a t-rex. Our arms are too short. And I want our arms to be too short. Okay, we're two short-armed dinosaurs. No freak son of mine or daughter, whatever it turns out to be.

We don't even know it's going to be a freak yet.

Look.

What if it has hair?

Times are changing, okay? The McKinleys down the street, they had a child with a penis. What? Yes.

They had an honest- We don't have genitalia?

I don't think we have a penis. We definitely have to have genitalia.

We got to the dinosaur doctor. What did you come into there? My cloaca hurts. Just hop up on the stool here. Scratch. Okay, you broke my stool. Hop up on this couch here. Scratch. Okay, why don't you just stay standing and I'm going to come underneath you like someone at AutoZone underneath the car? Sure. Hey, let me take a look at the old engine. What do we got here? You said your cloaca hurts? I think it's my cloaca that might be acting up. Okay, your penis looks fine. Let's take a look. Wait, I'm sorry? I said your penis looks fine, but I'll take a look in the cloaca. Okay, so I do have a penis. You do have a penis. That's great news. We also call that a cloaking device. Why? This is kind of fun.

This is a doctor humor. Sure. Okay. My wife is going to be so mad. Cut back to the wife. So I got back from the doctor. It turns out I do have a penis.

Oh no.

Yeah. So I owe the neighbors an apology for yelling at their son.

While you were gone, the egg hatch? No. Oh my god. It's just Danny DeVito. I'm the Danny DeVito one. We have twins? Yeah, it's two Danny DeVito twins. Oh my god, we have twins.

This seems like an evolutionary step backwards.

And twins. I'm the Danny DeVito one. And twins. All right, let's go to the next Riddy. I love these Riddies. If it takes 10 hours for eight men to build a wall, how long does it take four men to build a wall? If it takes 10 hours for eight men to build a wall, how long does it take for four men to build a wall?

Um, I don't know, but they can't get it up soon enough because these migrants, they're coming into our country.

Nightmare, nightmare, nightmare.

Erin, if you say nightmare three times on the podcast, JPC turns into J.P. Riddles.

No, I don't. No, I don't.

J.P. Riddles just walked in wearing a robe, nothing else, and holding hot chocolate and then just walked right back out.

We're going to look back at this podcast and we're like, eventually we got to a point where we would get about five minutes in an episode, then we'd call for J.P. Riddles to show up and it would be 45 minutes later.

J.P. Riddles was really our quagmire. Giggity giggity. Highly problematic. Hope I get my own show. Sorry, Cleveland got all that. If it takes 10 hours for eight men to build a wall, how long does it take four men to build a wall?

Eight hours.

Ten hours for eight men, five hours for four men.

That's just math.

That's just math, baby.

Ten hours.

Nope. Well, so I know the answer to this Riddle. What is it? What is the answer? You both want to know?

Yeah.

Foreman don't build the wall. They order people to build the wall.

GPC, that is a better answer than the actual answer, but that is incorrect. What?

That's incorrect?

Oh man, the fucking bosses of this world, right? Foreman. Erin, have we really gotten to the point where when I pose a riddle, you just yell, what is it?

I guess for a little while. Because it's fine. I ate most of my supper. I had all the vegetables. What was it?

No, you ate all the vegetables. Call me Kate Moss because I guess for a little while. She has a model for guest genes. I just need to explain my joke. Yeah, we didn't get it.

What is the answer?

8 men, 10 hours. Say that Riddle one more time.

If it takes 10 hours for 8 men to build a wall, how long does it take 4 men to build a wall? And let me set the scene right now on the table. This answer fucking blows. 16 hours. Double the time. No. 16 hours. I'll give you a hint. There is no time in this answer. There's no math involved.

Okay.

How long does it take 4 men to build a wall?

Oh, it's already built. Yeah.

Erin is correct. The wall is already built. Fuck. Isn't that... Doesn't that suck? It's a wall. You can always build more.

Then you'll just be stuck behind a wall all on your own.

Wow. Grass is always screaming on the other wall.

Um, I want to see... You get grass on your wall?

You get grass on your wall? Hey, if there's grass on the wall, play beer. I want to see a scene the two of you are construction workers and you're at, this is going to be a really niche scene, the two of you are construction workers and you are both at a Pink Floyd concert where they're playing the wall on your heckling Pink Floyd.

Give us a spin Pink Floyd.

Yeah, more industrial drilling equipment Pink Floyd.

Hey Josh. Yeah? What's your favorite Pink Floyd song?

I hate Pink Floyd. You know that.

Me too. I hate Pink Floyd too. That was a trick. Question.

Josh. What's the one that they play at the beginning of CSI Miami?

What am I thinking of?

You're thinking of law and order.

You know who I would just give about anything to go out on a date with me? Mariska Haggate.

Oh boy, I am a Haggate fanatic.

I will go Haggate crazy if I can go on a date with Mariska Haggate.

Hello. Hey, shut up, Roger Waters. Is there anybody in there? Can I be honest with you? She gives me a Mariska Hard-on-ga-tay.

You know what I like about her? Her work ethic, her personality, and how she has never given up on that show. She's the heartbeat of that show.

Speaking of giving up on that show, what about that bum Christopher Maloney?

We really are, uh, uh, Statler and Waldorf, aren't we? Those muppet old men.

Nope, we're very specific, with a very specific knowledge of...

Thank you all so much for coming out tonight. I'm Roger Waters and I'm David Gilmour and we're two in the pink and one in the wall.

Why don't you munch on my balls? What about the detective munch?

He sure is good. Here's a question for you. A man is lying shot on the road. The police come to investigate right away. They know who shot him. Why? He shot himself.

Uh, no. Is it, um, Tupac and they know Biggie shot him?

They know Shig shot him. Shig shot him. You think Biggie shot Tupac? Uh-huh. Do you? And Tupac shot Biggie. So Biggie was killed. And the bullets hit the midair. The bullets ricocheted off Brooklyn and went to California.

How long does it take a bullet that ricochets off Brooklyn and they hit California? Cause that's like three months, right?

If a bullet leaves Brooklyn at 7 40 a.m.

It's going to be tired all day. That's an early train.

That's an early bullet.

That's not really for you.

No.

JPC wakes up early.

You got to get up pretty early to get up on the old JPC to the mean.

Do you like to beat the sun? Do you like to wake up before the sun?

Yeah, I got you son rat bastard. No, I have blackout curtains in my room too. So I always wake up in darkness. Um, but I, uh, I think it was Mariah's mom asked me today, she was like, how do you do it? How do you like wake up early, like every day? And I was like, oh, I'm insane. And my brain is by 4 p.m. My brain is melted. It's useless.

And we're recording at 8.30 p.m. Your brain is like a Salvador Dali painting, right? Stairs. Priceless melting clocks. It's everywhere you want to be. Mastercarb. That's my favorite Aqua Teen Hunger Force character. Just the melting loaf of bread. Mastercarb. That's my favorite Pokemon. Mastercarb. What's the fucking riddle? Pokemon. Let's get dangerous. A man is lying shot on the road. The police come to investigate. Right away, they know who shot him. Why?

A man is lying. He wasn't shot. He's not telling the truth. No.

Fuck. It was right in front of some kids on a road trip.

Does the location of the road matter? It is Abbey Road. It's a specific road? No.

Damn. Is it in front of a specific building?

No. Okay. He's lying shot on the road. He's lying shot on the road. The police come to investigate right away they know who'd shot him. Why?

Is the specific part of his body that is shot, does that matter?

Yeah, I shot him a dick. Is it a gunshot? Is it a what?

Gunshot?

Yes. Okay.

Are you gonna say it's like a flu shot or something? Yeah. Was he shot through the heart? Because if so, Bon Jovi's to blame. We gave love a bad name. And he rode away on a steel horse. Uh-huh.

I don't know.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Erin, that was so sad.

Is the location of where he was shot, does that matter? No. Fuck. So the location of the road doesn't matter. Location of where we were shot doesn't matter. Is he alone?

We'll say yes. Fuck. We'll say that when he was shot, he was alone. Here's the most important part of the Riddle. A man is lying shot on the road.

He's not dead. So the man says out loud, who shot him?

The man was shot, not killed. He was able to tell police immediately who shot him. Who shot him? It says here, JP Riddles. Is JP Riddles here with us today?

Oh, JP Riddle, I just got a text from JP Riddles and he says he went out to get donuts, but the donuts are an air quote. Air quotes somehow written out.

If you guys had to eat ice cream every night, ice cream would stop being very special pretty quickly, right? I don't know.

People universally always like ice cream.

Oh, you get sick of ice cream. You get sick of ice cream.

You feel guilty for eating it, but you like the journey.

Here's my impression of JPC doing warmups before the podcast. I kissed my cousin Tammy on the tummy.

I kissed my cousin Tammy on the tummy. She was a police horse ghost of a dead dog.

I whispered in a doggy's ear and it said there is no fear.

The doggy was reading my t-shirt.

She was my cousin.

How do you fall on a knife but not get pierced? Actually, no, I want to see a scene. Let's go back a tad. I want to see a scene with JP Riddles. No, I want to see a scene. Erin, you have been shot. Do you want JBC to be shot? JBC, you've been shot. You've been shot. Got it. The perp ran off. Erin is a bystander who saw everything and she's come over to take a look and to be there with you, but she's of no help.

Did I? I saw the whole thing. You did? You saw that? Yeah, I think you're okay. Mostly just grazed past you.

No, I'm a doctor. I was shot in the gut.

Okay, I'm a dancer. We're just bragging about our jobs. No, yeah, I went to school too for damn.

This is very serious. I was shot in the gut. I think I have internal bleeding.

Okay. I really just think I saw it like whiz-pest your tummy.

Oh, I feel it in there. I still feel it in there.

Maybe you're just having sympathy pains on my period.

There's no exit wound. Oh, I'm so sorry about that. But no, it definitely was shot in the stomach.

I really saw it. It really just didn't... Did you get a good look at the guy who did it? Yeah, it was a dog in a wig. I don't know.

No, it couldn't have been. That's a goddamn lie.

That's just a regular dog with no wig.

I saw the whole thing and it definitely was not a dog in a wig. Okay, now I'm hallucinating. There's a talking dog. Oh, you're hallucinating? Well, I'm a dancer. What are we just ragging?

Don't pass up. Don't pass up. Are we human or are we dancers? That's a riddle. Dogs. A riddle brought to you by The Killers. How do you fall on a knife but not get pierced? Somebody told me you had a dog who looked like a cat. How do you fall on a knife but not get pierced? And don't say you're Brosnan.

It's not.

JBC, I literally can, I am one step ahead of you every single time.

You've been eating my lunch all podcast.

I did an Instagram story.

Hey Riddle. Does not do it for me, even though now... How young?

Goldeneip years? Young and old. I think he's absolutely beautiful.

I think he got hotter the older he got. Like now, I'm like, I guess he does not do it for me. And I had a lot of people agree with me. I had a lot of ladies and female identifying people tell me that they didn't think he was handsome. And a lot of men, I think of the straight variety, were like, no. It was interesting.

So men thought he was handsome. Women did not think he was handsome?

Men want to fuck him. Women don't want to be him.

Yeah. And that's not factoring the sexual orientation of anyone. It is just a lot of men, I think, are sensitive about peers. They're like, if he's not handsome.

Well, his piercing eyes. I think he's handsome, so I think he's traditionally handsome.

See, to me, he's not. Look up young, pierced Brosnan.

And then tell me if you would be like... But Golden-eyed, pierced Brosnan?

Because that's the youngest I remember him.

Type in young, I'll type it in.

I do think Tyler is traditionally handsome. Tyler? Oh God. Is that one of the handsome brothers?

I would have accepted Chris.

I prefer Colin Firth.

Now Colin Firth is also attractive, but I think Pierce Brosnan's a more attractive older man than Colin Firth.

No.

And are we just watching Mama Mia now?

JPC, while Erin is Googling stuff, I want you to do your solo show. This is called Who's on Firth? This is your vaudeville act. Sure, got it. About how British actors have funny names these days.

This is called Who's on First. Well, who's on first? Bill Nighy to left field. And I'm full of glee, son. Because this baseball game is going so well.

Who's fucking Predator here? No, I mean Terminator, Terminator.

I'm Terminator, and I want you to be fucking Terminator. Oi. Oi. Oi? Who's fucking Terminator here? Oi. Who's fucking Terminator here? I am. Cameraman's in shot. Fuck off. Oi. Don't fuck with the Christian fucking bail. Tommy. Terminator. Terminator.

Don't listen to that. Christian Bell's definitely not British. I don't know what he is. Can we have a t-shirt at the shop that just says, Oi, who's fucking Terminator? Who's fucking Predator? Can I see? Mm-hmm. Wait, who is this? That's young Pierce Brosnan? Yeah, young Pierce Brosnan, not a good-looking guy. Really? That's right there. I think GoldenEye Pierce Brosnan, like Pierce Brosnan has Bond, such a smokestack.

Can I just say odd job in the N64 game GoldenEye? Fucking Smoke Show.

Also just the best character to play.

Snooze.com backslash Snooze.

He looks like a TV anchor.

He looks not like, maybe just like someone have like a little character to them, but he sort of looks like a Ken doll if a Ken doll had no personality.

I think it looks great. Yeah. No personality, no genitals. But that's interesting that straight identifying males think that he's attractive.

I think it was exclusively, I mean, I didn't know some of the people personally, but in terms of my friends, it was only straight identifying males who were defending him.

Oh, did I ever tell you guys that I was next to Pierce Brosnan at a urinal? No. Oh, I hate this. More like 005 and a half.

Oh, really? That's the joke you were making?

All right.

Did I ever tell you guys that I was right next to Pierce Brosnan at a urinal? At a urinal? Is that a urinal or a urinal?

Oh my God.

Yeah. Talk about a cold of that.

You, you, you in a row.

Oh, finish your joke. He said, yeah, talk about a golden eye. Really? You like his brown eye?

That's insane.

No, because he's peeing. The eye of his penis. It was the eye of his penis. You know what? In my mind, he's James Bond because he was the Bond that I like knew when I was at the age where I identified a Bond.

Do you know what time Sean Connery likes to play badminton? What time? Tenesh. Did you make that up? No, I heard that from Gemma. How do you fall on a knife but not get pierced? Fall handle first.

Handle first?

No. In my head I was like, what's this? Adal had to pick up, visualize the knife, visualize falling, and then say no. Why does that not work? I fell on my own sword. How do you fall on a knife but not get pierced? Honestly, it works, but it's not what I have written down here. Okay. How do you fall? I have written down, look up the answer. Google it. Google it. Google Young Pierce Brosnan. How do you fall on a knife but not get pierced? How do you fall? Is it fall of the season? It's the fall of the season. Bum bum bum. Is he pierced like me?

On a knife. Who's your dad?

Who's your daddy? Shrek me daddy. Is he a rich donkey?

Is the knife that you're falling on covered? Is it in a sheath?

It is not in a sheath. It is not the Swedish electronic adoo, the knife. Swedish sheath? Swedish sheath. Fruity, Fruity, Fruity, Proust, and how do you follow the names of Boond? James Boond.

Erin has disengaged with the podcast. She hasn't talked in two minutes and she's fully Googling Pierce. Erin, you have just been on your phone for five minutes.

I'm looking up something to make. You have a joke that you're trying to make?

No, it's not a joke.

It's just a... It's a reference? I can't give a... I'll stop, but I'll... Let me grab here.

Okay. Let's see what she hears. Search history. What's in eggnog?

Cheryl Crow hair real quick?

No, it's exclamation point. It's my blog. It's my blog. Oh, it's my blog.

All Real Monsters cartoon? Pablo Picasso French?

Keep going.

I want ten more of these. Is peacoat urine? Grass can be in sky? Troggdor question mark? Why is it all questions? What do you Google? I will Google questions.

I don't add question marks.

What to Google question marks?

You don't add question marks? No. How will Google know if you're Googling a statement?

What? Ruffalo comma mark question. How do you fall on a knife but not get pierced? Let's all... phones down. Phones down. Ass up. That's the way we like to pose. Okay, let's really concentrate. How do you fall on a knife but not get pierced? How do you fall on a knife but not get pierced? I will say you are on the right, like Usain Bolt, you're on the right track with a handle first. But just think about the other, so picture like a computer rendered knife and you can like move it and see all angles of it if you're moving it around. But do you keep the blade away from you? Other side of the blade? As cool as the other side of the blade.

Stab it in the ground and then fall on it.

That would still be handled first. I mean, you're circling.

Dull knife. Dull the knife.

Dull the knife is a great answer. It's not a correct answer. It's not a real answer.

Dull the knife.

I was going to say null the knife. Oh, when the teeth have no bite. Oh, that song has shark in it. So we should bring back, what was it? Love shark. Love shark.

Baby love shark. Shark is heart.

I got me a shark and it's as big as a whale shark and it's about to sail. Winston Churchill, Sharkest Hour.

Love shark. Hungry. I don't think I'm ever going to get the answers right now.

I don't know this Riddle. This fucking sucks. You're so close. You can fucking taste victory.

I was trying to divide a script from James Bond that Pierce Barthes was in and I was only going to talk in lines until you noticed, but it wasn't loading fast enough.

I want to see a scene. Erin, I'm going to give you first option.

Okay.

Because last time I gave you something, I can't remember what it was, but you said you wanted to pass. She didn't want to be shot. So do you want to be James Bond or no?

Yes, please.

Great. Erin is James Bond. This ruins the franchise for me. Feed you all a bridge. And JPC, you're going to be money pinning. Got it. And James Bond is trying to find if women found him attractive when he was younger.

I like a martini. Shaken, not stirred.

James, it's the middle of a work day.

Is it? I didn't notice. I like how you're here to talk to me.

You're incorrigible, James.

I don't know what that word means. Hey, tell me monkey penny. Is that your name? It's Monkey Pussy. Tell me. Monkey Pussy. Did anyone ever play the computer game Spy Fox? That's where Monkey Penny comes from, anyway.

Nope, never played it.

Alright, I'm gonna lean up against you. Hey, Monkey Pussy.

What do you want, James?

Monkey Pussy and that beautiful... That gown's just ripping off ya. You could win a Guinness Book of World Records for hottest body and hottest personality.

This whole thing is just something I wear to work, James.

Well now I complimented you, it's your turn to compliment me. Was I hot when I was younger?

Younger? What do you mean, James?

From 18 to 30. Was I hot?

I didn't know you. Can I see a picture?

And I'm going to take five minutes to bring it up on Google.

And we cut to the Guinness Book Scout. Sure. Okay, so I got your call. You wanted to see if you could make it in the book for monkey as pussy. So let's...

Hi, my name is Erin Keif. I'd like to be in the running.

I want to be up for the running for monkey's pussy because honestly my pussy is bananas. I think I could win monkey's pussy. That's our new t-shirt. I think I could be monkey's pussy. You can only wear it indoors.

I, for the first time, and I mean it, that's the first time I've ever surprised JPC in the entire few years of knowing him. He's known everything I'm about to say, and he didn't know I was about to say that.

I mean, anybody who listens to this podcast could probably put $100 that I was going to say monkey pussy.

That's true.

That's my favorite Brendan Fraser movie. Yeah. Monkey pussy. Tarzan. Tarzan. This is our last riddle. The show's over once you solve it. Yes. How do you fall on a knife? No. I don't know. You two are so close.

I don't know.

You two are so close.

You fall forward, backward.

I want you two to close your eyes. You fall backward. Yeah, fall away from it. I want you two to close your eyes. Picture... You tripped and you're falling. Yes. As you're falling, time goes into slow motion. Nope, no screen.

I'm picturing it.

Time goes into slow motion. There's a knife on the ground in front of you. How do you maneuver it? If you can reach out and maneuver it and manipulate it before you land, and you can't move it away or throw it, how do you move it or tetris it to where you're not going to get pierced in the stomach? And it's not handled up because that will still flat. JPC, thank you my God. The answer is, when the knife is laying flat on the ground. That's not a knife.

This is a gun.

Wait, are we assuming that the knife was just sticking straight up out of the ground? How? Who did that? How do you fall on a knife but not get pierced when the knife is laying flat on the ground? And I also threw in there just for fun. That's not a knife, this is a gun? Is that fun?

No!

Does that make sense? Dude, who wrote these riddles? Docks them. Docks these riddles. Docks these riddles. Um, that does it for us. Did you two have fun?

Yeah, this was a manic episode.

I think this is the least you two have ever tried on riddles.

These riddles were so fucking hard.

I want to do some plugs. Number one, thank you to Patti Suki, my mommy, mama riddles for that. Um, yes, give her a round of applause. I want to give a big thank you. We received a wonderful package in the mail from Australia from a man named Dan Cohen Cohen Cohen Cohen. Thank you, Dan. It's my last name, and I still don't know how to pronounce it. And he sent us a box that was, I'm going to say, 100 pounds. And on the box, it showed how much he paid in shipping, and it was $75. So that's just shipping not even the contents. Inside was bags on bags on bags of caramel koalas, which is Erin's favorite.

It's my favorite candy.

Cherry Ripes, which I've become obsessed with, and a bunch of other candies. So Dan, thank you so much for that wonderful package. I also want to mention.

It meant so much. It was just such a nice feeling.

We picked out.

It's my favorite candy.

We turned into little piggies. I also want to thank a while ago, Lauren McGregor, who's also from Australia, she sent us a package of caramel koalas and was so generous and she sent us several bags. And we recorded ourselves on Mike eating those and talking about those and thanking her. But that is one of our lost episodes. So I also want to thank Lauren McGregor for that package that she never got credit for.

We did a whole episode where every time I got a riddle right, I got a caramel koala.

We gave her a caramel koala. Um, but after that episode got lost, we forgot that we didn't get to thank her. So we went to thank her as well. I also want to mention just for some personal.

What happened was we had left the studio. We put the episodes on the top of our car. We got home and we're like, Oh my God. We put the episodes at the top of our car.

Oh my God.

We don't have a car.

There we go.

We went to the dealership the next day. It had burned down 100 years ago.

And we walked around Chicago going, dude, where's my bod? Where's my bod? Where's my bod? Where's my bod? I also want to promote, I was recently on one of my favorite podcasts of all time, the Teacher's Lounge. So please check me out on the episode of Teacher's Lounge and check them out in general.

I listened to it. I listened to your episode. It was really, really funny.

Thank you. Also, you're going to want to come check out Hey Riddle Riddle at Sketchfest in San Francisco, January 18th. Tickets are on sale now. Our guest is going to be Rob Cordry. Speaking of Sketchfest, Magic Tavern will also be there January 17th. Our guest is Trace Ballou, who is Crow on the original MSTK 3000. He's one of my heroes. I'm so nervous and excited to play with him. And also, hello from the Magic Tavern who's doing a tour. In 2020, January 12th through the 17th, and we're hitting up Atlanta, Charlotte, Portland, Oregon, Seattle, and San Francisco. So please go to our website and buy ticks and we hope to see you there. Japes, anything to plug?

I just wrote a book called Fully Automated Luxury Communism. It was very good. I highly recommend it.

What was it about?

Fully automated luxury communism.

Erin, anything to plug?

I want to plug our Patreon because we have so many episodes over there right now and I'm not really not just saying this. They're my favorite episodes. My top five favorite episodes of all time are all over there. There's an episode with my parents. There's an episode with our significant others. Both hate relationships, relationships. One of my favorite episodes ever where we do like local, we make up local access, public access TV shows. The D&D campaign and all of our live shows and a lot of the times like I've laughed the hardest on the show are all over there. I think at this point, if you haven't tried it yet, now it's totally worth $5. You get so much content.

And it's probably a perfect gift for if you don't know if someone in your family or a friend or someone in your life is hard to shop for, confuse them wildly by getting them a Patreon subscription to this podcast.

Or get your best friend or listen to this like three months of our Patreon.

It's also a great gift to get for someone who has died or passed away. They can still enjoy great content and they can't cancel.

And follow me, Erin Keif 10 on Instagram. You can find out about my other shows and projects there.

And Erin, you're a huge, I don't know if you've, I think you've mentioned this before, you are a massive John Lithgow fan. And you mentioned, you mentioned that you were writing a reboot, only this time it's not called Third Rock from the Sun, it's called... Third Rock from the Sun is, my son's name is Jupiter.

Did I do it?

Bye forever.

Created by Adal Rifai. Starting Erin Keif and John Patrick Coan. Casey Toney could be editing.

Every parent in the music.

A logo created by Emily Cardenas and Emma Eno Woods.

That was a Headgum podcast.