Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Hear ye, hear ye, Dollar Shave Club. When I talk about Dollar Shave Club, I can't stress enough the quality of their products. They've spent years developing and crafting and... What's your name? Hold on. Refining everything. They have every... Rifai? I'm Adal Rifai. No, they have everything I use to look, feel, and smell my best. You name it, they have it, and I use it. If my name's not... Dollar Shave Club. That's my name. My name's Dollar Shave Club.

This is so much fun. This is a fun character for JP.

Yes it's my name and this is an old timey town and we're in this town. I have consumption. Okay well can't help you with that but what I can help you with is an amazing shave and Dollar Shave Club is more than just razors. What?

Tell us about it.

What else is it? Well, it's got you covered from head to toe, my dear boy. They've got everything you need to shower, shave, style your hair, brush your teeth, and yes, young lady, even wipe your butt.

Even wipe my butt.

Even wipe your butt. Adal Rifai can keep you automatically stocked up on the products you use. You get what you want and you never have what you don't need. Whether that's once a month or a few times a year.

That's very convenient for me because I usually have to buy things in a panic.

Mm-hmm. And I really like their executive razor. It really gets in and gives me the clean lines that I like in my beard. What do you think of my beard, boy? I think it's real tight. Also, I'm 37. You're 37? Yikes! Well, you've obviously wasted your time, but I'll never waste time at a store wondering if what I'm getting is any good. Dollar Shave Club as a Dollar Shave Club member. I know what I'm getting is the highest quality.

I want it now. Help me out.

Yeah, Dolor, help us out. Okay, Dolor Shave Club. Well, right now you can put the quality of Dollar Shave Club's products to the test. Their ultimate shave starter set has basically everything you need for an amazing shave. The executive razor, shave butter, prep scrub, and post-shave do. The best part is you can try it for just five dollars. What? Yeah, we have dollars in this world. After that, the restock box ships regular sized products at regular prices. So get your ultimate starter set for I'm confused.

You said five dollars? For just five dollars.

So wait, wait, wait. So they shave some money off the price?

Indeed they do. And you can get your ultimate starter set for just five dollars at dollarshaveclub.com slash riddle. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash riddle.

Wait, let me do it again. Five dollars at dollarshaveclub.com slash riddle. Hear ye, hear ye. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash riddle.

And Dolar, can I see your birth certificate? Obama took it.

Weird, okay.

The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Oh, the pinwerkle fish. It was the cabin of an airplane. He stabbed him with the knife and away.

And the morning came riding.

All right, you two come into my office. Of course, I'm a doctor. Of course. If you look at the x-ray here, what you'll find is that you're both pregnant with riddies and pussies.

Right, so this is one x-ray. So it's going to be twins.

It's going to be twins. One will be a Danny DeVito, and the other one will be a Danny DeVito.

Sure. That's how twins do it. The concept of twins. So we're pregnant with twins.

And we got an x-ray to show that? Yes, I hate to say that the babies will be affected by that. They'll probably have some sort of power, but it won't be like a cool Spider-Man thing. It'll be like Jubilee or like, I don't know, who's another shitty Martian Manhunter. It's just Jubilee. Unfortunately, it's just Jubilee. And a little bit Gambit. Yeah, a little bit Gambit.

And what are their names? Can you tell from the x-ray what their names are?

Doctor, can you tell the names of the babies from the x-ray? Yes, the babies will be... Good.

Good.

The babies will be Goofus and Gallant. I think we're gonna get sued. I'm Adal Rifai. I'm JPZ.

And I'm gonna get sued.

Sue Stormed. Sue Stormed. I'm Erin Keif. Now that's a power. I got Sue Stormed once in college.

What? Who wants it? Come at daddy and get it. Sue Storm is when you're having sex and then someone rains piss on you. She's invisible, right? Mm-hmm. So was I in college.

Ooh. Um, JPC, if I ever get sued, can you just take care of it?

Yep.

Just like figure out the logistics for me.

You mean like take care of the guy?

Yeah, either kill the person you see me for.

Whoa! Talk about sucking him off. Nobody's talking about killing anybody.

All right, fine. You can do both.

I wonder if I could, Erin. Yeah, I would do my best to take care of the situation.

I would just give you money and just go handle it.

Yeah, I would do some petty bribery, some intimidation. Sounds like some Trumpian tactics.

I would want some emotional support from Adal. I want Adal bringing me muffins, telling me it's all gonna be okay. But I want JPC pounding the pavement, getting me off of that.

This has got to be a better way to start. That's what gets you off, phrase a lot of that.

I regret everything. I'm not going to talk for the next several minutes.

A lot of Stephen Mothman's groupies are really pounding the pavement.

So what's up guys, is this a riddle show or what's going on?

I don't know anymore. Yeah, who knows. Has anyone on this show ever been sued? I'm trying to remember if I've ever been sued. You sued someone else. Technically I sued an insurance company and I did win that lawsuit. You did it. You had a lawsuit against Dr. Funny Comedy? Yes. I took him for all he was worth. Pots and pans to piss in. Once I audited by the IRS because I didn't pay taxes on Yeah. Well, I thought when I was in college, I was like, I make so little money that there's no way I'm going to report all of the money that I make. And the IRS was like, your employer reported this money. I was like, oh, for sure. But there's like a statute of limitations on it. And I only got busted for one year when I technically excavated for three.

So what happens when you get busted?

So they were like, you owe us $1,200. And I was like, you're right. You're absolutely correct. I do owe you that money. And the little extra that you charge, I do owe you that.

And then I paid them their money. It's fucking bonkers to me that there's something where it's like, everyone in the US is just going to send in money for what they think they owe. And then also there's people mailing it in paper style, and there's also digital. And it's like, what a fucking shit show. How does that work?

I will never understand it.

How many people are in the US? Like 500,000? 100, 200. But how do they process all... We're all so stupid.

Yeah, I don't... The other thing is, at that time, I can't remember what year this was, but the IRS had just cut like half its staff. They just like laid off half its people. I was like, if they laid off half their people, no way there's somebody caring about old Johnny $24,000. But I was very wrong. They did care about that.

That's what your name was before.

If you're a professional tax, come on the show. We want to interview you and know how this system works.

So now this show is not about riddles. It is a chance for tax attorneys to finally have their platform.

We'll go back to the mad tax. This is what I need and I'm not even kidding. So first of all, I think that there should be an entire class in high school about this. That will never make any sense to me. And I still don't fully understand all of it. I get it. I get it. But if there's a woman out there, a woman out there who wants to explain it to me, please DM me on Instagram. If you are an accountant or you're an expert in this, DM me on Instagram if you're a woman and explain this to me. Thank you so much.

And Erin, I have to say, I appreciate that you think taxes should be taught in high school. I do feel like the more important lesson is how to dodge a ball. I feel like that has paid off in spades in terms of like every time I'm walking down the streets there's something.

Did you ever have a class? I mean, God, not a class.

People are throwing stuff at you a lot.

I remember in grade school we had to like, maybe it was like about learning how to write cursive, but we had to like practice writing checks. Like writing our signature on checks or maybe it was just that we were writing our signature and checks were the way.

I think that the teacher was fooling you into paying them. We were all just like writing bad checks that our teacher was cashing. Yes Mrs. Anderson. We could practice writing our parent's credit card.

But it is pretty fucked up that like budgeting and balancing a checkbook and all that stuff is not part of compulsory like education yet we have to know.

So what do we cut out? English. There's only so many hours in a day. We have to keep recess. We have to keep religion class which I think should be mandatory.

But like there you have to take like computer classes and keyboard like there's so many things that are actually applied to like functioning as an adult like they should be explaining credit cards and taxes and there's nothing a checkbook.

There's a very interesting Freakonomics podcast that I will go ahead and plug right now. Hey Riddle Riddle. What's a rhombus? What's a rhombus with you? I know all your jokes Adal.

I was going to say a rhombus Ramirez.

Oh my God. At some point we do three episodes where JPC it's your solo episode and you play all three of us. And then Adal you do an episode and you play all three of us. This sounds terrible. And then I do an episode and I play all three of us.

Speaking of episodes, this is a Riddle podcast. Why don't we get into those hot, hot riddles. Old man puzzles will be played By JPC himself. By JPC himself. The one, the only, the J, the P, the C. It's me.

A Jewish personal computer. I feel that way sometimes.

Did you learn that in school?

I went to a new doctor who is older and he's very Jewish. My name's Coen, but it's spelled C-O-A and I'm not Jewish. He was a card. He was very eccentric.

I think it's more important to lead with I'm not Jewish versus the spelling of your name. Well, Coan is a Jewish name. Yeah, but you can just say I'm not Jewish.

Well, if I said I'm not Jewish and I didn't spell my name, you'd never fucking believe me.

I don't know how to do my taxes.

But this doctor, he was very eccentric and outgoing, but he kept talking about other stuff and he'd be like, you're Jew? And I'm like, no, I'm not a Jew. And he's like, your mother's a Jew, your dad's a Jew? And I'm like, I'm not a Jew. And he was like, we kept going back and forth. And he was like, you have a very Jewish friendly vibe to you. He's a Jewish guy. And I was like, I don't know what to tell you. And it was telling more about my life. And I was like, I'm like an improviser, like a comedian. He goes, comedian. See? You're Jewish.

And I was like, I don't know about that.

I think he visited Woody Allen.

He's a great doctor. I don't know what you're talking about. So today's warm up riddles come to us from a fan. This is Zach. Zach did not give me permission to use their last name, so I will not. Okay, I'm sorry. They did say Zack or Zack W. So that's his most mystery as I will give. I'll also give their pronouns, he, him. But that's it. That's all the mystery that I'll give about Zack.

Zack, who are you?

But Zack did say that they came to an 8 p.m. show of World News tonight. What are you, my grandma?

Are you doing the word names tonight?

With his mom and dad and they really liked the show. His sister and mom loved the show as well. What's that?

Who was there? Who was performing?

I have no idea. This was sent years ago. So Zach says now onto the riddles. I made these up so they should be unique. These riddles are warm up riddles. They have three lines and each has its own answer. The answers for each line are words with a single letter difference. For example, should we have a pen and paper? You could, but the example is a set of answers might be sad, mad, bad. Got it. So three answers, single letter difference in the three.

You just described all my feelings I've had today. Sad, mad, and bad. And by mad you mean mothers against drunk driving? I forgot about that. Wow, that just brought back a memory.

You had forgot about mothers against drunk driving? I did. They're still against it. Their opinion does not change. That was an MMA paid event, right?

God, yeah. Did anyone have any absolutely inappropriate demonstrations at their school run by men?

No. Were you bringing like the rec car?

Yeah, rec car.

And people, it's like a bloody prom room. Yeah. What the fuck are you talking about?

Yeah, I think they stopped doing that. And I'm sorry if this is triggering to anyone, like skip ahead two minutes, but yeah, super. Did they do that at your high school?

They did it on the football field. They carted out this wrecked car and then they had a guy in a tux and a woman in like a white or cream dress and they're just covered in blood. And it's supposed to like be reenacting the consequences of drunk driving. We didn't feel like people in my high school were just like laughing and doing... Well we didn't have that and I went to Catholic school so I would think that like we would... anyway.

So one letter difference on these riddles. Riddle number one. A title for someone unmarried. Not quite fog, a Japanese soup.

Got it.

Erin? Miss.

Missed Miso.

Wow! Missed Miso!

All right, Erin, you have one point.

Congratulations. Number two, Riddle number two. An event with bright colors and loud music, what a fire can do if it isn't stopped in time, pure unfiltered anger.

Got it.

Kid Rock concerts. Bidbok bumpers. Big bopper. What letter changes? What letter changes when Adal goes insane?

An event with bright colors and loud music. Kid Rock concert. What a fire can do if it isn't stopped in time. Pure, unfiltered anger.

Rage.

So you've got one of the words maybe?

Rage. Rage. Well rage works for fire and for anger.

So what a fire can do if it isn't stopped in time? R-A-V-E, rave? Rave. Rage. Rage is one of them, but it's not that one. It's the last one.

But isn't what a fire does rage?

But these are changed by one letter, so it wouldn't be the same one twice. Which one is rage, the second or the third? Pure, unsiltered anger. So rave?

Rage. And what's the second one?

So if you wanted to burn down a building, another way to say it would be like, oh we... Call my cousin.

I want to see a Z. Okay, good. JPC, you're Adal's cousin. Adal, you need something nefarious done, and JPC's a little too eager to help.

Hey, thanks so much for coming over here, Tom. Hey, no problem, Adal. No problem. Hey, it's good to see you. How's your mom? She's good. She's still doing your Mark Wahlberg impression? What's that?

Nah, I mean, only whatever chance I get. Hey, here's some potato dumplings for you. You know, your family, free troubles. Don't tell anybody we got those because they're stolen.

Oh, the minute I leave here, I'm going to toss those. Hey, listen, I need you to do something a little shady.

Okay. Whose wife you want me to bang?

And do I gotta wear a condom or is she already of a certain age?

Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom,

Just put it in his snickers. Why don't you say eating his snickers? I'm not eating it. Hey, I'm holding it kid. I can see it in the back of your throat. It's savor the flavor for later buddy.

I'm the snickers in his mouth. Nice to meet you.

Oh, you're popping out like a little prairie dog. What's your name?

Am I Snickers?

Well, how original, right? Yeah. Listen to two of you's. I just need you to do this thing. Hey, you making fun of me? No, no, no. Two of you's? Yeah, it's just I have that thing.

I like it. I like it, don't make me think you are making fun of me. Is that what it is? Huh? Is that what it is? Yeah. Simon Zellitz. What's the habits? Tell me what's happening.

I need you to fuck someone's husband. Okay. Who's husband? Okay, brace yourself. President of the United States of America? Yes.

Okay, say fuck Bill Clinton. We're on it. We're, uh, we're fuck Bill Clinton's husband? No, no. Huh? I need you to fuck Bill Clinton. You want me to fuck Bill Clinton. Okay. Yeah, we could do that. What do you say, Snickers?

I didn't know this scene took place in the 90s. Hey, who's at the door? Oh, come on in. What's your name? All we wanted to do was build Clinton impression. That's all right.

Shut up, Snickers. Oh, yeah, you're right. No, I'm sorry. Let's flashback. Erin, or Snickers, what present do you want me to fucking go to? Yeah, Snickers, you call it. What?

Bill Clinton. Okay.

And could I just say, you just wanted to do your Snickers impression.

Yeah, I did.

You've been sitting on that Snickers impression for what? See.

I've been sitting on that Snickers impression. Guys, who am I? Ooh, yes. I curb your hunger.

Larry David. Larry David. Yeah, he curbs my hunger. The word you are both looking for is raise.

Raise.

You raise to burn down. Wait, this is legit. I'm 37, I'm just learning this. Raise means to burn down? R-A-Z-E. Okay.

Yes, not like R-A.

Because to raise a barn just means to demolish it, right? Or does it mean to burn it?

To raise a barn? So R-A-Z-E raise a barn is to burn it down. But what do the Amish do? R-A-I-S-E raise a barn would be to like build it.

And then raising Arizona is... Great movie. Great. Somebody stop me! And then a barn burner means... Blowout. And then a blowout is like a Brazilian?

A hairdo, yeah. A hairdo.

It costs about a Brazilian. A Brazilian dollars.

I do love getting a blowout though.

Do you guys remember that joke that they used to say when Bush was president, where they were like, President Bush, there's been a war in Iraq, we got the latest reports back, and we have some bad news. Two Brazilian soldiers perished, and President Bush takes off his glasses and puts his hands on his head and goes, Dear God, how many is a Brazilian? Well I remember that joke because it's a fun joke, it's a play on words, but my grandpa would send out like political emails during the Obama presidency and I remember my grandpa, it was like a copy and paste of that same joke but with Obama and he sent it out and I was like Alright Grandpa, but Obama's thing isn't that he's stupid. Yeah, in fact he's very smart. You could maybe say like, hey, he kills a lot of people with drone strikes, shouldn't do that. That's fine Grandpa, but Bush is the dumb one. Come on, let's pick a lane. Anyway, a place to put a broken arm. Cast. Do you want to just guess? Yeah. Cast. Cost. Hold on, I have to jump.

What?

Adal, really having a hard time with one-letter differences. A place to put a broken arm, a wild change, the act of asking for justice. Just. Case.

Cast. Just. Cast. Cast.

Work through it. Cast is the first one.

Cast is the first one. No. Sling. Sling. What was the second one?

The second answer? Yeah, just give me the answer. A place to put a broken arm. Swing. A wild change. Swing.

Swing.

The act of asking for justice. Swing. Swing! Who got that? Was that Erin? Good job. I'll get the first two.

It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter.

And now I'm getting really paranoid. I'm going to get sued. Let's come up. Oh my God. Yeah.

Wow. Ooh. Maybe Zach W will sue you for saying that bad thing about his mom and his sister.

What did I say? Oh, I don't think I said anything. I believed you. I'm so tired. I believed you. I did say that. I should have said that to that one listener that I was going to fuck his mom because now I assume I said that.

That was weeks ago, but that was in the same room. So you're getting a very kinetic energy from that.

Yeah.

Erin, we're only like 20 minutes into the episode, but I've already learned in this episode that you're tired enough that I can trick you into things. And that's not good for you.

This is what happened.

That doesn't bode well for you.

My boyfriend is away for a while and I get spooked at night. And so I've been having this anxiety where I stay awake through sleeping. Like I took melatonin and then I took Tylenol PM and I stayed awake through both of them and then I'm tired all day. So I fall asleep at like four in the morning and then I have Tylenol PM in my body.

What about like, what's that like Lunesta, like one of those like sleep aids?

I guess I could try one of those. I haven't yet. I'm gonna try Nyquil tonight because I got a little cold and we'll see if I fall asleep. That's why my brain is like, womp, womp, womp.

I want to see a scene. Erin, you are trying to go to bed. It's 4 a.m.

Yep.

I must be lonely. And Rob Thomas, you think you see Rob Thomas in your leave room? Don't pull my arm.

Don't make me do it.

And you think Matchbox 20... No, wait, wait, wait. I'm gonna play Santana. No, no, no, no, no. You're trying a new drug that was prescribed to you by Dr. Frontencomedy. It's having some side effects, and JPC and I will play the side effects.

Are you real? Hello?

Babe, are you okay?

Hello, what's your name?

Babe, are you okay?

There's a dog saying, Babe, are you okay to me?

Babe, are you okay? What's your name?

And there's a clown that sounds like a parrot.

I'm not a dog. I'm James Van der Beek from Dogson's Creek. Don't you understand?

I'm more of a pasty fan.

You're more of a pasty fan. Look what you're wearing.

He's not that bad. Okay, so you're... I'm a dog. Your dog.

I'm James Vanderbark.

James Vanderbark.

From Dachshund's Creek.

From Dachshund's Creek. In your?

I'm a straight up clown.

Okay. Your name's straight up clown?

Yeah.

Okay.

Describe how you look. Well, I'm about 12 feet tall. I have branches for fingers. The center of my body is a pack of cigarettes. My neck is no neck.

And my face looks like a million screams. My back, my back, my pussy and my crack. No deck.

Okay, I need you to tell me this because I'm a little tired. I don't know which way is up. Are you real? Or is this what my brain is? Is this a fever dream my brain's doing to me?

The thing that described himself as mostly a tree, I'm not sure if that's real. I'm definitely real. I'm James VandenBark. I'm a treasured actor. I was on DogSense Creek for six seasons. I know Katie Holmes.

No dog name for Katie Holmes.

Hold on, Katie Holmes. Yeah, no dog name for Katie Holmes.

You want one? If you asked nicely.

All right, Cloud, what do you got? I didn't have one.

Do you have one for Joshua Jackson?

Joshua Jackson. Joshua Jackson. No, I'm the only one that needs one.

What about Michelle Williams?

Oh, um, Michelle, Michelle, Michelle, Michelle for Zane Williams. This is fun. I like being awake. Who else was on Dawson's Creek?

I just named the four.

The Bark Knight, is that something? Oh, the Bark Knight. And you look at your clock and it's 8 a.m.

I can't lie to you, that's sort of how it's been going.

That's crazy. Yeah, maybe you should try one of those like stronger sleep-ins.

Yeah, because I just need to truly be knocked out. I was thinking about having a friend come over and hit me in the head with a pan.

I thought about that before. I like that Sean has been doing Mission Impossible stuff in his sleep and like disturbing you nonstop and then suddenly when he leaves you're like, I can't sleep.

That's exactly what he said. He was like, do you need to be lying next to someone who is stressing you out every moment that they're going to like jump out the window?

I used to live right next to the red line for five years and it didn't bother me at all. And then as soon as I moved, I found myself having to go to the train to even sleep. I used to live right next to a chorus line. Okay. Ready for your next one?

Yeah.

Cool. So this is, these are great.

Yeah.

These are all, what's his name? Zach W. The local branch of a secret organization, a person quietly repeating prayers at church, the reservation of a bus. They're getting, I think they're getting a little harder.

Mason?

I'm sorry?

First one, Mason?

No. Local branch of a secret organization.

Local branch of a secret. So secret organizations would be like the, the, what's that odd fellows?

The odd fellows?

Yeah. Joe Pesci is the odd fellows.

I don't know if I'm going to get it from the first one. Okay.

So the second one is a person quietly repeating prayers at church.

Sinner. No. Um, guilty, guilty person. No. Oh, the old guy from Home Alone with a shovel. Donald Trump. Yep. Pizza in New York City.

Say the three of us and 40 lucky Hey Riddle Riddle fans were going to take a trip to Jupiter. We would blank a bus.

Reserve.

Fuck a bus. We would reserve. What's another word for reserve?

What do you do to reserve a bus? Down payment. Ask your mom to help you out, because things are bad.

No, this is just a bus that exists in the world, a bus that exists in the world, and we're going to say, hey bus, we're going to blank you to take us to... Rent.

We're going to shrink you to go inside a body.

Let's get away from a bus. Rent, reserve. I'm in a bazaar in the faraway east. How bazaar? EMC. And I say, you there, balloon men, I want you to, I want to blank your balloon to take me above the bazaar.

Borrow. Borrow. I want you to borrow me your balloon.

I want you to secure. I want you to commandeer.

The local branch of a secret organization. A person quietly repeating prayers. Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits.

Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits.

Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits.

Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits.

Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits.

Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits

What's the second one again?

A person quietly repeating prayers at church.

Repentant.

No, so they're repeating. Penitent man, only repentant man may pass me. Listen to me. Repeating is a big part of it.

Repeating.

Yeah. You are repeating. Hail Mary. No. Full of grace.

No, it's the name of the person who's doing it.

All three of these words end in er, I will say. The local branch of a secret organization. A person quietly repeating prayers at church. The reservation of a bus.

This is hard. This is hard.

This is the worst moment of my life. What's that? I'm gonna say this is the worst moment of my life.

What a good life.

I do want to see a scene just so we can get away from this trash. And I want to see, JPC, you are in, I don't know, you're somewhere in the Middle East or in Africa and you want to, you go up to somebody who has a hot air balloon and you're trying to, as best you can, communicate that you want to rent that.

Excuse me, sir. My name's Jackson, Indiana, and I'm an archaeologist. And I need to borrow your balloon.

This feels like a knockoff of something. Did you say Jackson, Indiana?

Yes.

Is your name. You're an archaeologist?

Sorry. Sorry about my partner's English. Salaam olekum. Salaam olekum. Oh, very nice. Kefalik? I'm sorry? Kefalik? I just had some, and I'm so full.

What movie are you making me think of? What movie are you making me think of?

Nazi stole my wife and I need to borrow your balloon to whip their balloon down.

James Bond. Ah, fuck me.

What was your name again?

My name's Jackson, Indiana.

Jackson Bond? And I need- Archaeologist, are you a professor?

Well, I'm not really an archaeologist. What can I do with a dog name? What's with a dog name?

Jack Terriers in Indiana? No, but Nazis took my wife in that balloon.

Star Wars. Han Solo.

No. Star Wars Han Solo.

No. I'm getting closer though.

Oh, do I look like Harrison Ford? Is that what you're saying?

Yeah.

I have gotten that before. Okay, okay, okay, hold on. Oh, and I guess Jackson, Indiana sounds like Harrison Ford.

No, no, no, no. No? Oh, I'm gonna be up all night.

What would you like to do to our hot air balloon? Harrison Ford, that's a last name and the name of a car. Maybe I should have done with that. My name's... Morrison... Subaru.

Indiana Jones.

That's it. So something you would do to a hot air balloon. I want to blank your, I want to blank your balloon.

So you were so close with that.

Ride. Reserve, but this is true of buses. So have you, have you ever ridden on a bus like a cross-country bus or a Greyhound bus? Yes. Sure. So what's another word for a Greyhound bus?

Long car.

I don't know. It's been a long car without you my friend. A charter bus. So charter, you have a charter.

I'd like to charter your balloon. That's the thing that you heard in your head.

Charter, charter. Whoa, are you quoting a Jackson Indiana movie?

I am.

Charter. Charter. A person quietly repeating prayers at church.

Chantor.

Chantor. The local branch of a secret organization.

You know that moment in that Jackson Indiana movie that I hated when he pulled that guy's heart out? Do you not like that moment in Jackson Indiana?

You know the part when Jackson Indiana, the guys coming at him with the sword in Jackson Indiana just takes the gun out and shoots him? Completely improvised.

Oh my God. You can tell because he shot himself in the head.

The local branch of a secret organization. Charter. Charter. Chantor. Chantor. The letter is P. Prancer. Prancer.

Chapter.

Chapter. Erin gets it. All right. Zach has one more. Zach has one more. A person that drinks their whole glass at once, a pet that won't leave you alone, someone that enjoys riddles,

Gulper, Gopher, Erin. Gulper is close, but not right. Guzzler. Guzzler. Guzzler, puzzler. And what was the second one?

Question? Someone that enjoys riddles.

No, we got puzzler. What's the second one?

A person that drinks their whole glass at once, a pet that won't leave you alone, and someone that enjoys Riddles. So just to clarify, Yeah, it's Nuzler. I'm sorry. Guzzler, Nuzler, Puzler, R-3. They did the really cool thing where you write them in white text, so when I copy and paste them, they were still kind of hard to read. But yes, and then Zach says, hope you guys have a great Halloween. So, a little fucking light video.

You missed it buddy.

Next year.

Erin, I want to see a scene.

Okay.

I'm going to be a pet owner. I want you to be my pet who won't leave me alone.

Hey, are you awake?

Yeah, what's up?

Okay, let's play a game. Okay, ready? Who can stand the stillness? Ready? One, two, three. Why am I wearing a bra? Why aren't I wearing a bra? I think the bra is wearing me, my friend. Don't take it off like that. Don't take it off slow. Do you think it's too late to go out to eat? I want pancakes. What's up?

You want Panda Cakes?

I want Panda Cakes.

Do you want Panda Express or do you want pancakes?

Oh, I want both. Let's do both.

Why are you wearing panties?

I'm high.

See? That brings us to a point in the show where we're going to need to take a quick break.

Wait, we don't want to further explore Panties Cat?

So yeah, we'll take a quick break and we'll be right back after these Panties Cat. Jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle. Ho, ho, ho. Santa?

Santa?

Nope. Boy, this is disappointing. Everybody always gets to the, I'm a, I'm Helix Sleeper. Helix Sleeper?

That's actually great news.

I'm Helix Sleeper, yeah.

Why do you have sleigh bells and a sack full of mattresses?

Look, look, Helix Sleeper would do a Santa thing, but they couldn't get the rights to Santa.

I'm happier here because I need a good mattress to sleep through the night so I'm not awake when Santa comes.

Well, I can give you a good mattress, but only if you've been good. If you're bad, you have to get a store-bought department store mattress.

Helix... what's your name?

Helix... Sleepa? Helix Sleepa? Yeah, it's like the closest... Can't we call you Sleep-a-quas? Legally no. It can't be called sleeper claws. Okay, well, for couples or grandparents that split a bed, I can split a mattress right down the middle so I can accommodate a side sleeper, a hot sleeper, or someone who wants a plush bed or a firm bed.

Thank you, Sleepa Claus.

There's probably not a warranty or a way to try it out risk-free, right?

Helix Sleep actually has a 10 year warranty, and you can try it out for 100 nights risk free. All you have to do is go to helixsleep.com slash riddle, take a two minute sleep quiz, and they'll match you to a mattress that gives you the best sleep of your young life.

Helixsleep.com slash riddle, huh?

Mm-hmm. And right now, if you want $125 off all mattress orders, that's right, $125 off all mattress orders, I know that normally... Sleep-a-clos, that's too much or too generous. Santa usually gives it away for free, but me, I just give the promo with $125 off.

Which is still great.

It's still really good. You go to helixsleep.com slash Riddle, that's R-I-D-D-L-E, helixsleep.com slash Riddle, you'll get up to $125 off your mattress order.

A great Christmas or holiday gift, according to me and J.P.C. and Adal.

Stuff that in your mattress.

Okay, along with my money.

Good morning, Fresh.

Good morning, hello. It's our morning talk show and it's me, hello.

And this is me, Fresh.

And I'm exclamation point.

Yep.

And we want to talk about our favorite meal planning service.

Not just our favorite, America's number one meal kit. It's easy, it's cheesy, seasonal, and it's pre-meshied, pre-measured, ingredients delivered right to your door. And all you have to do is cook and enjoy.

We've all enjoyed HelloFresh. And when I say enjoyed, I mean really enjoyed. It makes my apartment smell amazing. The cleanup time is like 30 minutes. I don't make too much of a mess. I don't have to spend a ton of money on ingredients that I'm never going to use again. It is incredible.

It forces me to eat healthy. It helps me relax because cooking is relaxing, but I just don't get to do it so often because it's too much of a hassle. And recently I had chickpea tinga tacos, which were absolutely phenomenal. They have Monterey Jack cheese, Pablo Blado pepper, and lime crema. I just learned these words.

How'd I learn to talk today?

In Hella Fresh, it's delicious, but you can also get family recipes, calorie smart, vegetarian. You have fun menu series like the Hall of Fame and Kraft Burgers. It's delicious food and it's flexible. It fits your lifestyle. You can get a few meals a week. You can change your delivery days. You can edit how it ships. You can add add-ons.

Like garlic bread or cookie dough.

I also had a creamy, dreamy mushroom Gamali with scallions and Parmesan.

How would a listener find out about this? Get more info, maybe get a little code.

Erin, we're doing an ad right now. Oh, are we? I'm sorry, I'm just thinking about that food you were talking about. And they gave us a website and a code.

Oh, yes. Specifically, we should just say that for $80 off your first month of HelloFresh, go to hellofresh.com slash Riddle 80 and enter promo code Riddle80. That's R-I-D-D-L-E-8-0.

For $80 off your first month.

That's too much money.

HelloFresh.com slash Riddle 80 and enter Riddle 80. It's like receiving eight meals free.

$80 off is way too much off. That's what I'm reading the Tidal Promptor. That's what it's saying. And again, this show's episode has been sponsored by Pablo Poblado. We love you Pablo. Okay, so this next riddle comes to us from, and I just want to double check, Suzanne. This is just from Suzanne.

Great. Summers?

Yes, it's from Suzanne Summers. Suzanne Summers says, I absolutely love your podcast. It's embarrassing how many times people have looked at me funny for laughing out loud on the train.

Did you put a hyphen between abs and lutely? Yeah. That's classic Suzanne Summers.

Here's some pussies I hope you'll enjoy. I did steal the idea from the TV show Pointless. Are you familiar?

No.

No. I'm not either. It sounds like Shameless' knockoff cousin. Where's she from? Is she from the US? No. Suzanne is from the Netherlands. Oh, cool. So maybe that's a Netherlands TV show. I don't know. The idea is to guess a title that is shared by a song and a movie based on the initials of the title, as well as one of the main actors from the movie and the artist of the song. Cool, for example, B.A.T. Audrey Hepburn, 1961, and Deep Blue Something, 1993.

Breakfast at Tiffany's.

Breakfast at Tiffany's, B.A.T. So that's the idea of the blast.

Wait, where did the Deep Blue come into it?

So that's the title, the song is called Breakfast at Tiffany's and you got the artist which is Deep Blue Something.

So we still have to solve that?

No.

Nope. So, the way that it works... Oh, the name of the band that sang that song is Deep Blue Something? Deep Blue Something is the name of the band.

Oh, really? Okay. I guess. I mean, unless Suzanne is immediately fucking lying to me, I did not fact check these at all.

I thought something was like a blank.

No. So, B-A-T is the initials of the thing that you're guessing, and then you're getting... You have to get the movie, which is you get the actor and the year, and the song, which is the band name and the year, but both of the things are still breakfast at Tiffany's.

Got it.

Does that make sense, Adal? No. Then Erin?

But I'm confident in Erin.

Very well. All right. And I could also make it more difficult by just giving the actor and the artist without the years. I actually don't think the years are going to help you that much because you guys are some of the stupidest morons I've ever met in my fucking life.

He's not wrong.

All right. So PW. So what you're guessing will be PW. Pussy wagon.

Grease. She's a real pussy wag. Adal, you get five guesses before I even finish the clue. Great. Pussy Wagon.

It was Pussy Wagon. Password. All right. Richard Gere, 1990. Roy Orbison, 1964. Pretty Woman, nice. All right.

BDC. Hilary Swank, 1999.

The Cure, 1986. Boys Don't Cry. Billion Dollar KB. All right. I am going to try. I'm going to try just giving you the, uh, the, the, without giving you the letters, just giving you the artist and see, uh, Sarah Jessica Parker, 1985, Cindy Lauper, 1983. Paul Rudd, 1995, Usher, 2014. Yeah. Yeah. Reese Witherspoon, 2002. Leonard Skinner, 1976. Freebird. Alabama. Freebird Alabama.

Is that the one where she lives in a Walmart? I don't know. Street from Alabama? Home Fries? What am I thinking of?

You might be thinking of Home Fries.

There's one where somebody lives in a Walmart. But that's your bear more, right?

Maybe. Did you hear about that actress that got stabbed? Reese... Reese... Witherspoon? No, Witherknife. Big tragedy.

Oh, I thought you were gonna say Selena.

Oh my god!

Selena?

I am so tired. I had no idea what was happening and now that I'm with you.

Did you guys never do that actress that got stabbed Reese Witherspoon joke in grade school?

Nope.

Hailee Steinfeld, 2016, Stevie Nicks, 1981. Oh, fuck.

17.

Edge of 17. Yeah, the Western movie? True Grit. Yeah, Stevie Nicks' 1981 classic, True Grit. Adal, give me a couple of bars of how that went.

Well, I'm walking in the desert and I'm hot as hell. I'm 17 and I'm edging. Who's edging? I'm edging. True grip.

I'm getting word from the studio that we're being shut down completely. The lights are being turned off.

Jason Biggs, 1999. Don McLean. American Pie. It's actually fuck a pie.

Yeah. Jeff Bridges, 1999. Black Sabbath, 1970.

Crazy Train. Jeff Bridges, 99. Black Sabbath, 1970. I understand why they put Jeff Bridges here, but... He's not the lead?

He's not the lead.

I think it would give too much away if I give you the lead though. Paranoid. What are some Black Sabbath songs?

Give us the lead.

Robert Downey Jr., 1999. Black Sabbath, 1970. Iron Man. Kevin Costner, 99.

That was 99. Wait, I'm sorry. Iron Man came out in 1999.

Doesn't that seem wrong?

That's so wrong. That's like 10 years off.

Yeah.

That's so wrong.

Yeah. But it is Iron Man. Yeah. Oh, you know what? Iron Man came out in 1999 in the Netherlands. Kevin Costner.

I want to see a scene. OK. So this is 1998. And this studio made a movie knowing Iron Man. It's sort of an Armageddon Deep Impact situation, or a Bug's Life Ants situation. So the studios knew that Iron Man was going to be released. So they rushed to release another metal superhero. That release but absolutely tanked and you're this metal superhero and we're seeing your origin story. Honey, why are you home so late? Would you wrap up those leftovers with that aluminum foil?

Yeah, of course. Sorry, I just came in, I got caught in a spider web. It was an enormous train.

What are you, Glenn Stefani? Go to bed.

Derek, wrap up the leftovers, go to bed. Because daddy works all day at the zinc mine.

And everyone else's dads work at the zinc mine in there way before you.

But I have the night shift when the zinc is freshest.

Go to bed sweet pea.

How is zinc freshest at night?

Look, I don't go to where you work and ask how the fucking charts get done at the hospital, okay?

I told you, I don't work at a hospital. I chart hot air balloons and buses. I work with charter balloons.

I get so mad. Fine. I'll just rip the aluminum foil. It combined with the zinc. Oh no. I'm becoming... What's your power? Oh, lose all my hair? Christian Bale can't be in this.

He's already tied to another superhero. By the way, 2008 Iron Man was 1999. It came out earlier in the Netherlands.

Ready? Yes. Kevin Costner, 99. The Police, 1979.

Message and bobble.

Message and a bobble. It was a big board game movie. All right, I'm taking away the years. Wait, is that right? Yeah, Message and a bobble.

What movie was Message and a bobble?

Message! That's the movie.

Erin got it. I see. River Phoenix, Oasis. A river runs through it. River Phoenix, 1986. Fucking in the bushes. Oasis, 1997.

Champion Supernova. Don't look back in anger.

I like Oasis and I don't know this song.

Definitely maybe.

I know like almost their entire catalog.

Morning Glory. What's the story of Morning Glory?

Is this right? No, this is right because this is River Phoenix. No. Riverphinx was in my own private Idaho. Riverphinx in 86. I don't know. I don't know. Stand By Me.

Stand By Me.

Do you know the Oasis song Stand By Me? Yeah. Liam goes...

Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo And Madonna. Wicked. Adina Menzel, 2013, Madonna, 1998. What's Madonna's cowboy song? Frozen. Madonna had a song called Frozen. How did that song go, Erin?

It's the 80's, it's the 80's And I love being in the 80's I'm Madonna in the 80's And it's good to be me right now For a while I'm gonna have a British accent That no one can explain Oh I love that I'm gonna do it on Oprah for the first time. Hillary Swank. Oh, you're done with me doing that? 2007, The Beatles 1962. White album. I'd miss the person. Hillary Swank, 2007, The Beatles 1962. I am Sam. Hilary Swank.

Hilary Swank, 2007. Boy. Was she in I Am Sam? Oh, she was in Next Karate Kid. Oh, I can't be 2007. It is 2007. It's not a million dollar baby.

It's not a million dollar baby. It's not a million dollar baby.

It's not a million dollar baby. It's not a million dollar baby. It's not a million dollar baby. It's not a million dollar baby. It's not a million dollar baby. It's not a million dollar baby.

It's not a million dollar baby. It's not a million dollar baby.

It's not a million dollar baby. It's not a million dollar baby. It's not a million dollar baby. It's not a million dollar baby. It's not a million dollar baby.

It's not a million dollar baby. It's not a million dollar baby. It's not a million dollar baby. It's not a million dollar baby.

It's not a million dollar baby. It's not a million dollar baby. It's not a million You've been pussin' around, pussin' boots. Do you guys have a guess?

Welcome to the Hotel Shrekifornia. And in the morning we're making waffles.

I forgot what we were doing.

Going slowly fucking bonkers.

Do you have the answer? No. Wait, hold on.

Antonia Banderas, 1995, the Eagles, 1973. Desperado. Uh, Allie McGraw, 1970. Allie McGraw? Do you mean Tim? Who's Allie McGraw? Do you mean Allie McBeal? Allie McGraw, 1970. Allie McGraw, 1970, Taylor Swift, 2009. Who the fuck is Allie McGraw? I don't know. 1989. Um, shake it off.

Love Story.

Love Story. All right, we have four more. Denzel Washington, 2016, The Clash, 1981.

Rock the Casbah. Denzel Washington, what year? 2016, in The Clash, 1981. Remember The Tetons.

Uh-uh.

2016. 2016, yeah. I think I remember this movie. He was in a gangster movie with Russell Crowe.

It's not the gangster movie. That might have been like 2014. I think it's a cowboy movie. Um, Magnificent Seven? Oh yeah, that is a clash song. That's a clash song? Okay, I don't know that song. Bang, bang, doo, doo, doo, doo. Alright. Something like that. Patrick Dempsey, 1987. Ooh, just take a minute to soak that up. Ooh, just want to drink in that name. 1962.

Oh, um, Can't Buy Me Love. Can't Buy Me Love.

That movie's a little over right now. Sylvester Stallone, 1993. Rocky. 93. And the police, 1981. Roxanne.

No, that would be Steve Martin. Sylvester Stallone, 1993. 93. Topland.

Uh-uh. And the police, 1981. Judge Dredd. No.

I don't know.

You're circling it, though.

Those, I mean... Yeah, I wrote Judge Dredd on this piece of paper.

You keep circling it, like you're mementoing that Judge Dredd.

Uh, I don't know this police song. So police has, I'll remember you, no, uh, I'll be watching you?

Police has already been on this list with message in a bottle, so the police have already been here twice.

Also Hilary Swinks has been on there twice. Yeah. And she is, um, she hasn't been anything in a while, I think. Maybe she's not acting anymore. Everyone has every right to walk away. She has two Oscars, I believe. She should be acting nonstop. What'd she have the Oscars for? Million Dollar Baby. Boys Don't Cry?

Oh yeah.

Wow, great. And she famously, I think when she won for Boy sent Cry, she was like living out of her car or something. I think she was in a real dire situation. Really? Would you have won for it? I think when she won. She must have a terrible age. Even after she won, she had like $200 to her name or something. I think that you're thinking of Jewel. I'm thinking of Jewel, Foolish Games.

I don't know.

Demolition Man. Oh shit, Wesley Snipes.

Yeah, and it's a police song. I don't know that song. I don't know. Okay, this last one I do know. James Stewart, 1958. Mr. Smith goes to Washington. U2, 2004. Harvey. I want you guys to say it on the count of four. Ready? Uno, dos, tres, catorce. Discotec.

Jimmy Stewart.

Jimmy Stewart, 1958, and U2, 2004. Build up your story.

It's a wonderful life. Rear window.

Beautiful day. It's also, yeah, U2 sung rear window.

I don't know.

You don't know U2 songs?

I don't know what this is.

Where streets have no names. I also think this is the name of a U2 album.

It's also a sickness. Oh, disturbed.

It's also a sickness. Or maybe it's a, I don't know if it's a disease, it's a condition.

Vertigo.

Vertigo. Is that a condition? It's not a disease. Vertigo, yeah, I think it's a condition. Or maybe it's something you get, like you get vertigo. Anyway, Suzanne, those were all very fun and you are very from the Netherlands.

I want to see a scene. Japes, you're going to be Jimmy Stewart. And Erin's going to be Katherine Hepburn. And this is a scene from the movie that was never released, but it was filmed. And this movie was called, what's a good YouTube song? This is called With or Without You.

You're such a snob, aren't you? You just think you can come in here and be a snob at me? Well, just so you know, I'm gonna be fine with or without you.

Well, you think I'm just a snob to you, Mary? Is that what you think?

You wanted to do this, George Bush.

Well, if you think I'm just a snob to you, then maybe I could just walk right out the door.

Well then fine. I don't think you're going to be fine with or without me. You don't think I'm going to do it? Because you are going to be wherever you are.

You think I'm... Sorry, we're going to cut real quick. Katherine, you've got to stop putting the name of the movie into your lines. I don't know what script you read, but that is not the line.

I'm improvising.

We'll try better. Okay. And also just so you know, we're going to keep going, but the movie has been renamed Lemon. You have new scripts. Go ahead and start.

All right.

You think I'm not going to do it?

You think I'm not gonna do it? And I think this entire relationship has been me making lemonade out of lemons.

Don't look at the camera.

Lemonade out of lemons.

What do you mean? What do you mean, Mary? The only name a woman could have? The only name I'm capable of saying, Mary?

And I, you're just one of those cars that doesn't work anymore. You're a...

What am I?

What am I? The director's glaring at me. So I will say that you're a lemon.

You're a lemon, Mary. No, Mitsubishi.

You're a Mitsubishi.

You're a lemon Mitsubishi. Well, I can say another woman's name. But now I've got to get into Harry Carey.

This is how you sound. You should know who that is. How about the cubs? This is how you sound. You snob. That's how you sound.

This is how you sound. How do you like that?

It sounds very sexy. I like it. I wish you ducked like that more. Home run! I'll be fine with or without you, you lemon. Cubs whim!

Jimmy, where are you wearing your bra? Seed!

Seed. Oh boy, oh boy. That's... I... We're sorry. Can't do that impression. And I've had that at the mate! All right, we're going to go back to one of our favorite riddle books. It's this blue book that nobody likes. Oh, we hate that. I think that's the first book we ever used.

There are men who can do an Alan Aldon and men who can do a Jimmy Stewart, but no man can do both.

Get you a man who can do an Alan Aldon and Jimmy Stewart. Bam, bam, bam. This riddle is called The TV Obeyed. Jake had some friends over to watch a popular new movie on his brand new big screen TV with state-of-the-art surround sound loudspeakers.

Nobody talks like that. As the credits ended and everyone went to the kitchen.

You haven't met all of my boyfriends.

You sound like an uncle who works at Sharper Image. There's no Sharper Image. I gotta tell you, this is beautiful.

No, I still work there.

Anybody who says state-of-the-art in front of any electronic is selling you shit.

I'm gonna take this again. Fuck you, I'm taking this again. Jake has some friends over to watch a popular new movie on his brand new big screen TV with state-of-the-art surround sound line speakers. Are you being cartman? What are you doing? As the credits ended and everyone went to the kitchen for a snap, an obnoxious commercial came on. Jake turned to the set. Oh, shut up. He shouted angrily at the TV and it did. Explain what happened.

Okay, Jim Coach from Big Mouth. Let me hear that again.

Okay, I'm going to pick a different character voice for this. Please. Jake had some friends over to watch a popular new movie on his brand new big screen TV with state of the art surround sound loudspeakers. As the credits ended and everyone went to the kitchen for snacks, an obnoxious commercial came on. Jake turned to the set. Oh, shut up. He shouted angrily at the TV and it did. Explain what happened.

Sounds like he has an anger issue.

Well, I mean, nowadays it's probably like a Google Home or something. I wish I could tell my Google Home to shut up.

Like, you know how when opera singers sing really high, the glass smashes? Maybe that happened.

Okay, sure. Maybe the TV was a cardboard box with two of his friends acting out stuff behind it.

And we've done 200 fucking episodes of this show. Is maybe the way you answered, Daddy?

What is this energy in this room? This is a new energy. I think it's because, you know what it is? We're in different seats. We've never sat in this formation before. I've never... This is the first time I've recorded an episode not making eye contact with Adal.

Everything's inverted. I want to see a scene. I'm throwing a party. The two of you are my friends. I've cut out a cardboard box with a square in it, and you two are behind it trying to entertain me.

Oh, okay. I got it. It's clear to me.

The last part of that threw me for a loop, but we're in the cardboard box trying to entertain you. Got it.

Nightly news starts now. Tonight, I'm Jennifer Scoops.

And I'm Tom. Next channel. The zebra is one of the most elusive animals and all of the planes to catch a zebra. To catch a zebra tonight on Zebra Say the Damnedest Things on TV.

I'm your host, God Pat.

Oh, here I am coming through the door in a way that's a little bit wacky.

What do you mean?

You have to return the pants. This is Will and Grace, right? Yes, Grace, return the pants.

I can't return the pants, Jerry. I jerked off with the pants. Here we go. If I jerk off with the pants, I can't take it back to the store.

Why do you men always jerk off in your pants? Yeah, and now Newman enters.

I'm Newman, and I'm Karen.

Who?

I'm Karen Walker, but Newman. This is Will & Grace.

Jerry, I need to borrow a big bag of pants. Yes, and now do the most memorable Ned and Stacey episode.

What?

Who are we? Ned and Stacey? Who's Ned and Stacey?

I'm Ned, and you're Stacey, and we're about to kiss.

Nailing it. This is the pilot. A beaver? This is the pilot.

Phoebe, Ross, Rachel, Monica. Get in here!

What is this? Mambo number five? Okay. Great. And now do a friends episode, but modern day.

Post 9-11 friends. We're just sitting here on our phones not talking. We're depressed friends.

I'm 50. Okay. And Joey gets me too.

Whoa.

See.

That was exhausting.

Joey gets me tuned. The one where Joey gets me tuned. What if they just brought back friends? They're like, friends, one ain't only special. The name of it, they released a week before. It's called the one where Joey gets me tuned.

How you doing, respectfully?

How you canceled. Okay.

Do you guys have a fucking... I've canceled all three of those dudes right out of the gate. Ross? Even Ross? Cancel, cancel, cancel.

Would you cancel Chandler? Yeah. Why? What has Chandler done?

Alright, someone send a compilation of Chandler being homophobic to the BBC.

Oh, that'll just be every episode. Yeah, I know. You send me your Chandler cancels. Could I be any more gay panic? Do you have an answer to this riddle? Do you guys want some hints?

I don't even remember we were doing a riddle.

Do you fucking little fucking kid want some hints? The only thing I can think of is that state of the art is Art Garfunkel's solo album.

I don't know what riddles this is. That's a joke. I have no memory of what riddles this is.

All right, I'll give you some... It's a TV one where the guy turns off his TV, but turns off his shut up. I will give you some questions, some... Ah, boy. These are just Q&A's.

Hints.

Clues. The word is clues. Did Jake shout to operate a sound-sensitive switch? Or while shouting, manually operate a remote-controlled device or an ordinary switch? No. Did Jake see the TV screen just before he shouted?

Yes. Yes.

Videotaped movies usually have their durations printed on their boxes. Is that fact significant?

Yes, because it lets us know that's from 1994.

He just knew when the movie was gonna...

Yes, as the credits ended and everyone went to the kitchen for snacks, an obnoxious commercial came on. Jake turned to the set. Oh, shut up. He shouted angrily at the TV and it did.

Oh, he has the shining.

Explain what happened.

It's like a rewind thing. It's a what?

It's a silent movie. It's a rewinding.

Why did commercials come on after a movie that he rented? Like a VHS movie?

Is that part of it?

No, I'm just wondering, is that... They didn't have commercials coming next soon to DVD, video maybe. Maybe, yeah.

I thought that was before though.

So it's not voice activated because the technology didn't exist when this book was written.

Could very easily be the answer but the technology did not exist when the book was written. The phrase was shut up. He said, oh shut up.

I don't know.

So it is, I think technology is going to help you here, but it's old technology.

DHS, it's like the tape stops.

Adal? Shut up was the name of his horse and the horse kicked the TV. Yes. Horses. Old technology. The oldest technology. The oldest remote control in the world. A horse.

No, his horse's name was Dance With Me, actually, and he said, oh, shut up and dance with me.

Have you seen that music video? It's just a man singing at a horse. Is it?

No, it's so good.

It's so good. In college I did love their first song. Remember Anna Sun? No. That band walked the moon. So, Anna Sun's, Anna Sun's.

I only know Shut Up and Dance with Me.

Will you buy a new dog and name it Remote Control? So that the next time Mariah says, will you pass the remote, you hand her a dog? Yes. And then you live with that bit for 19 more years?

I like Adal's brain.

19 years? How long you think a dog lives?

With modern technology forever.

Sure, yeah. Dogs can live for as long as people. And they should. And people should die at about 12 years. All people. Starting now. If you're old, you made it. All right, you guys want the answer? Yes. I guarantee you fucking idiot cucks are never gonna get the answer.

Me too.

Oh, now I'm getting me too?

Thanks for watching!

The TV obeyed. Eager to show off his elaborate new equipment, Jake had friends over. Not only did he set up his videocassette player, but he also carefully reviewed the instructions for his TV set, which included a timer that would turn it off at a specified time later. He carefully set the shutoff timer to out less the movie by a minute or two. And when the ad came on, saw a warning on the screen that the TV would turn itself off in a couple of seconds. He knew that it would be shutting off immediately, so we shouted at the TV set, just for the fun of it.

All rise for Judge JPC and Riddle Court.

All rise, all rise, all rise.

And I'm taping it all down, as always. I'm the one who tapes, tapes, tapes.

And Bailiff McConaughey, do you have a Bailiff McConaughey dog name? Be a lot cooler if I did. All right, all right, all right. Riddle Court is now in session. Judge JPC presiding.

Matthew McConaughey.

That's it. And as we all know, JPC stands for Juris Prudence Cooma.

I want to defend this riddle against the prosecutor, Adal, because I think this riddle is fun. I mean, we've never had a riddle end with just for the fun of it.

The court recognizes the country lawyer with bare feet and torn up pants. You look like a Hulk. It makes you look giant as hell.

Your Honor, she is a Hulk, but she turns into a bear instead of a green giant.

Great, and so you're a Hulk that turns into a bear? Go ahead and give your dog a hand.

Your Honor, I don't see how this is relevant. I don't see how it's relevant. We're talking about this riddle, and I think this riddle holds up. What is your point?

I'm willing to agree with you, but I will hear from the defense. This riddle fucking sucks. I've been a riddle expert for months now, and I feel like that riddle does not hold up to the standard of quality.

I'm the defense, he's the prosecution.

That's true. What does that mean? Mr. Charter, I will remind you that you are the prosecution. Dazed and confused is one of my movies. Mm-hmm. It's just me, Matthew McConaughey, chiming in. What's that one where I was dying? Ghost of Girlfriends Path. That's it.

You should have hired someone more professional. This lawyer's about to get off scot-free.

Oh, hold on. I was in a lawyer movie. Mississippi Burning? No. What's that? Lincoln Lawyer. Lincoln Lawyer. Oh, Your Honor, if I may speak for Adal Rifai, my name is Matthew McConaughey. I'm a Lincoln Lawyer, meaning I'm about to get shot in the back of the head.

Your honor, the jury has returned a verdict. I'll entertain that. Thank you, Mr. Foreman. Loved you in-house. All right. All rise for my official reading.

Okay, I'm going to type everything down.

If it pleases your honor while you do your official reading, I'm going to bring in the world's oldest remote control. This is my horse. His name is Toffee.

It pleases me very much to see a horse named Toffee. All right. Mr. Jury, Mr. Foreman, are you sure that this is the verdict that you want to turn into the court? Your Honor, I am sure. Alright, it says it's time for plugs. She says it's time for plugs. What? What does that mean? Does anyone in court have something that they want to plug?

I think it means it's time to do the plugs.

Do you have anything that you want to plug?

Yes, I'm the stenographer. And you should follow Erin Keif 10 on Instagram to find out about her web series and other projects that she does like shows.

That makes sense. McConaughey, anything to plug? I think I want to plug Lincoln Navigator. Oh, Lincoln Navigator. When you're riding in a Lincoln, you feel like you're watching theater with your wife.

Great. And I'd just like to go ahead and plug the Hey Riddle Riddle Patreon. It's great. You can give us some money every month and see some free bonus episodes. There's another review crew if you want even more bonus content. That's on there as well. The newsletter is always a lot of fun. I heard JPC doesn't ever fucking contribute a playlist, so stop telling me that I do. And that's about enough time for the court. Paul Foreman, do you have anything to plug? Yeah, you could keep watching old episodes of House.

I looked like the coach of a football team. George Foreman, do you have anything to plug? My grills.

Your honor, I don't mean to interrupt, but there's one last thing I'd like to say.

I'll allow it.

Jupiter.

Bye forever.

That was a HeadGum podcast.