Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast. The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Hey. Oh, then we're going to finish. It was the cat end of an airplane. He stabbed him with an ice cream.

And the water seemed rising.

Hey now, you're a fall star. It's Hey Riddle Riddle.

Wow. And fall, right? Yeah.

Autumn.

Oh, now do one with a different Smash Mouth song, but say autumn.

Okay. Hey now, you're an autumn star. You didn't want to go with, might as well be autumn.

Might as well be walking in autumn. Bodies will be walking in autumn.

That's it. That's the one. I'm Adal Rifai.

Well, all the leaves are brown and falling on the ground.

My name is Adal Rifai. My name is Amish J.P.C. J.P. Leaves. J.P.

Leaves. And I'm Erin. Erin.

Rake. Rake. Erin. Erin. Erin. Erin.

Cinnamon Keef.

Cinnamon Keef. Cinnamon Keef Crunch. I think Cinnamon Keep Crunch works. Yeah, the fall cereal. That's how falling. GP leaves if you are Amish. I do need to ask you to get off the microphone. There is the devil in these. Details.

What's up you guys? Not much.

How you doing?

Let me ask you a fall question. Have you ever had apple butter? Oh yeah. Pumpkin butter, apple butter. You've never had apple butter, Erin?

I don't think I've ever had apple butter.

Mariasa from Miami and she's never had apple butter. Oh, famous for apple butter. She's never had apple butter, but I was like, oh, I'm from the Midwest and like everybody has apple butter at all times.

And if you get a crackle barrel, you have to have it.

Oh yeah.

You can just walk in the door. It's a crackle bottle.

What do you put it on?

Toast? Your tongue? Yeah, I put it in your mouth.

You put it in your body.

It's like a spread. So you can put it on a muffin or a muffin. What do you put jam on? English Muffins.

Toast. Waffles. Here's a recipe. Here's a family recipe for apple butter. Take one ass.

Put some apple butter on it.

Stop it.

Eat that ass.

Stop. Adal said it was a family recipe. Stop it. So you let your kids listen for a second, and now we're getting fired.

Oh my god. Oh no. We're all getting canceled because you let your kids listen to us talk about eating ass. What are you doing?

Adal, what's new with you? So apple butter's new with you.

Apple butters new with you.

Apple butters new with you. Maybe I talked about this. I was in LA for a little bit. I was in Nashville for a bit. Ooh, Nashville. I just did hot chicken. Today I did my first orange theory class. Is that true? Gemma does orange theory and there was like a bring a friend for free or something. And we're just friends. Nothing more. But it was intense.

Yeah.

How's your body feeling now? Pretty bad.

What's the whole thing with Orange Theory? Orange Theory is like you work out and they have like a monitor on you and there's screens with your name on it. And so it kind of puts you on blast. But there's like green zone, orange zone, red zone. And you want to be in the orange zone or red zone to get splat points. This sounds like a game.

Well, God, I need to start over with what I'm doing for my cult.

It does kind of gamify working out where it's like you want to get because today they're like try and get 12 spot points. I fucking got 28 because I found some secret spot points.

I borrowed something from a neighbor.

Infinite lives. But yeah, it's exciting, but it's very fun. Yeah, I liked it.

What's new is for you, Erin? Now, Orange Theory is not SoulCycle though, right? No. No, it is. Oh, great. Two things with different names? Yeah, same thing.

Oh, yeah, no, they're different.

You fucking idiot.

But why is there always an Orange Theory in a SoulCycle?

Where? Like together? You know what? It's like a Baskin-Robbins.

I'm thinking of an Orange Julius. You're thinking of Quite the Soul.

You're thinking of the Pizza Hut Taco Bell combo.

Oh, I'm always thinking about that.

And JBC, you famous, I'm sorry, JP leaves. You had an Orange theory. Do you want to tell us that theory?

Yeah. So the hair on oranges, that's horse hair.

What? There's hair on your oranges?

No oranges have like fuzz. They feel a little scared.

I think you're thinking of peaches, my man.

I think you're thinking of people.

Peaches. You know, when someone has a, is just growing their facial hair, you call that orange fuzz? You call that a soul cycle patch? Erin, what's new with you? We caught you yawning.

Yeah, I had hot coffee and it really breaks me.

They caught me yawning.

What is new? Oh, I moved this weekend.

Yes. But you moved this weekend to what?

Horse theory, right?

Wait, do you misunderstand what daylight savings time is? You moved this weekend?

I moved it. Daylight savings time? I threw it as far ahead of me as I could. No, I moved apartments and I'm obsessed.

You should move yourself and yourself, not your apartment.

Yeah, you could get trouble. That was super expensive. I can't wait for the two of you to see my apartment. What's the address? One, two, three, your butt.

Casey bleeped that out. We don't want people knowing where it is. No matter what you say, we're bleeping it out. Do you like your place?

I love it so much. And my whole body's so sore because I've not ever worked this hard in my life. I unpacked for like at least 10 hours. Oh, you're already unpacked. We're mostly unpacked. We still have like a ton of like trash in boxes we need to move.

Oh yeah, you should throw that away. That's if it's trash.

Yeah, it's just that we have like a lot of nonsense trash and we still have to like hang up all of our art and our curtains. But other than that, we're unpacked.

Art and curtains take a while. I was when Mariah and I moved in together, I was pretty insistent that we Hey Riddle.

So it's just like, yeah, sort of a perpetual motion machine.

So fun.

Perpetual fight machine.

My whole body is so sore because Sean kept reminding me, he's like, lift from your legs, not from your back, because I'd be like.

So your body's sore because he reminded you?

No, it's just sore because I lifted from my back and my legs on and off, on and off.

Oh yeah, you're supposed to rotate between back and legs, back and legs, back and legs.

But if you're on the... Or Ascent, it is. Maybe on Patreon I'll do a little house tour to show you.

Don't do that.

My department.

Yeah, it's so cool. Erin, don't do that.

Why?

Don't do a house tour.

Just take pictures of your feet and be done with it.

No, I'm not trying to... Ew, that's so much grosser than what I said.

This is my dining room and this is where I keep my feet.

No, this is what I'm really proud of. I organized our bookshelves today, and they look really cool.

Did you do by title, by genre, by color?

I'm glad you asked. I went by vibe. I'm not even kidding. We have a magic shelf.

That sucks.

We have a strong women's shelf. Does that suck too?

Well, you can't. What do you want to do? Casey, beat that out.

I have a housekeeping cooking shelf. I have a kids' bookshelf.

Is it on the top? I like putting kids' books up high. Can I tell you something? In my house, all female authors are strong women. I don't segregate them by strong and not weak.

I have a strong women's shelf and in my house we have a weak women's shelf. And sometimes I am moving one from shelf to shelf to teach them a lesson.

I thought about which books wanted to be by other books. And then I have little objects from my life or that I bought at home goods that match the shelf that they're in.

And I'm so sorry, that's going to be just a polite, that's stop. You're organized by which books want to be next to other books? Yeah. Okay. And just, can we... Like we did with your apartment, can you unpack that for me?

What does it mean to... Poke, I'm going to lift from my back.

Why? I told you that.

I heard... You know what I mean? I was like, I think... No, I don't. Genre? 100% down. No, not genre. I was like, I think that David Sedaris wants to hang out with Kurt Vonnegut. I think that they'll sit quietly in the corner together and they'll be nice to each other. You know?

I think the old man in the sea would want to visit Jurassic Park.

Who wrote Redwall?

I do, yeah, Redwall.

Redwall is Marquis, what's his name? About the mice? Jacosto. Boy, what is that?

I put that with Patrick.

Oh, it's Marcel Marcell.

I don't know why I thought they would.

I can't fucking wait until Sean tries to find a book.

He loves it. He loves the organization. That's how I can tell we're in love because he was like, this makes perfect sense to me.

I have a question, Erin. Was there anything that Sean did in this first, what is it, 48 hours? That has really rubbed you the wrong way.

Only one thing.

Is it the microphone?

Yeah, you guys, I was going to kill him. It's making me crazy. I'm going to walk you through this story. Hopefully he doesn't listen to it.

I didn't want to say it.

And famously, if you don't clean a microwave in the first 48 hours, they typically don't get cleaned.

Well, this is what happened.

Well, they turned into a mugwad.

John has lived in this place for a couple years already. I'm moving into his space.

Oh, yeah.

And he's been incredible. Red flag. 11 out of 10.

Red flag.

No. He's been so good and helpful and he's made me feel so like our space is equally, he's the best. However, In the last two months, I've been like, before I move in, can you clean your microwave? It's such like a boy microwave. It's so disgusting inside of it.

If anything, post a picture of that because I would love, I want to know what this microwave looks like.

So, boy microwave, so inside the microwave there's like a poster of Kathy Ireland.

Yeah, and like a boondock say it's poster.

This is my jerk-off microwave. This is a cargo microwave. This is my man microwave.

Hi Riddle. And I was like, I'm not cleaning this. I'm just going to let the soap do its work. So clean it and I was like, I did that part for you. You really just got to go in with a hot cloth and wipe it down. And then in the last 48 hours, he hasn't cleaned it and then keeps complaining that he can't microwave anything. He'll go to microwave something and be like, oh, I can't because of the soap. And I'm just like, hell, I've just taken a big deep breath in. This?

And Erin, you love this?

I love him so much. I'm freaking obsessed with this guy.

This microwave will never be cleaned.

I know, but he keeps being like, ugh, God, I wish I could use this microwave.

I think that that microwave is going to last longer than your relationship.

The mess in it or the microwave itself? You might not be wrong. Although I would bet my life that he's cleaning it right now, tonight.

Because you've been texting him.

Because I was like, I talked about it in the podcast now, got cleaning.

He's on the couch in the studio. Give me a thumbs up.

I know, he really has been the best. Christmas and my birthday combined moving in with him. We've just been giddy about it. So fun.

So combined meaning that it sucks that you don't get to celebrate both individually?

Yeah, it's like having your birthday on Christmas, like no one comes to your party.

Guys, I just got a text from our lawyer. We are contractually obligated to start doing riddles.

Love it.

Before we do, while we were warming up in the studio, I gotta mention we were singing songs about replacing words with drink piss.

We didn't have to tell people that.

No, I don't think we had to tell people that. It started with me saying... I'd love for you to clarify who was singing those songs.

Wait, is this our 69th episode?

Is this 69?

Have we not talked?

Yours, piss, this piss, undrinkable.

Your two transitions were wonderful, so why use the one that I planned out? Do it. No! You'll have to wait until 169. Oh I just can't wait to drink piss. So that should tell you who was singing the piss-drinking songs.

Erin joined in. I did.

But yes, speaking of our partners and our romantic lives and where we are living and cohabitating. And wink, wink, cleaning our microwaves. Cleaning our microwaves. We all know what that means. This is our 69th episode.

Casey, add sexy music here.

Wubba, wubba.

Sweet!

That's just the sound of two people, 69. Ew. So, I wanted to ask, in honor of it being our... Oh, you should have her six and seven creaks.

Everybody, let's go around and we'll make different noises, different sounds that don't happen when people are 69-ing.

Okay.

Ready?

Starting with Erin.

No, I already did mine. Creak.

Okay. Can you call me back?

Oh he's biting.

That's my 69 ringtone. That plays when 69's calling me. No, in honor of it being our 69th episode, we are going to do some filthy, dirty, sexy riddles today.

Shut up. Ew.

Ew, gross. It's going to be an episode full of sick, filthy riddles. But before we do that, I would like to go around the horn and get every 169 experience.

So Adal, how many times do you see 65 people?

Can you say, can you say, can you say, can you say, can you say, can you say, just dove under the sound mix?

Can you say go around the horny?

We're on the Horny, the Cape of Good Horny. All I need is partners and descriptions. 15? 29. Can I tell you guys about a joke that was not popular but was certainly told when I was a kid? 69ing was like a thing that people would say 69 and if you didn't know what it meant yet, you got to be cool by explaining to someone what it was. But then there was this. You would say, you know what 69 is, right? And someone would say, yeah, do you know what 72 is? Do you know what 72 is?

No. It's 69-ing, but then you go number three. It's 69-ing and then you... It's all very clever.

Oh boy, I don't know. It's 69 with three people watching.

That's 72-ing. And that self-proclaimed clever?

I want to see a scene.

Oh no. I want to see a 69.

We're the three people watching and we're getting a little bored and restless.

Okay. Can you pass the Ritz? We're out.

We're out. Once you start eating Ritz, I swear to God, you just like cannot stop.

Well, when we run out, you stop.

Fucking calm already.

Oh my God. We're passing the yard.

Stop.

Stop 69. You're making me 69.

This has to be one of the least sexy things I've ever seen.

They both look like those birds that keep going on for the drinking waterbirds.

I have Dunkaro's.

I can't eat Dunkaro's while watching this. Nothing that dunks can I eat while watching this.

Gushers?

That's going to be, yeah, I will have a gusher. Is that tropical?

Fruit by the foot?

Yeah, I'll have a fruit by the foot. This is a lot of candy.

Okay, well it's not technically candy. People used to put these in school lunches, so that's really candy.

Yeah, but what was it? It wasn't a vegetable.

I also have some oysters and some spaghetti.

Is it just me, or are we getting a very good view of both people's buttholes right now? Weirdly, yeah, it's like a you. Yeah, we shouldn't be seeing this much but home while watching.

I shouldn't be on my phone this much while I'm watching.

You're giving me a yawn, you guys. The guy with the door when I came in took my phone. The pizza guy? Was that a pizza guy? Shit.

My dad owns this place, so they let me keep my phone if I get bored.

Your dad owns the basement of this pizza hut? Hashtag Pizzagate.

Yeah. What do you guys do for a living?

I am John Kerry. Kind of just do that.

Fancy.

That was worth it.

Should we get into some... Yes, so these are some filthy, filthy fucking dirty riddles. Did you write these? I've got no. And I think that some of these I would barely qualify as riddles. They're more just like dirty jokes in my estimation.

Love it.

Cool. Put the kids to bed. So yes, if you have young children listening to the podcast, it's time to put them to bed and give them, they'll find the podcast themselves.

If you have young children, you've done all this nasty stuff we're talking about.

All this stuff will lead you to having young, young children. This is how you do it. All right, first one. What's a five letter word that starts with P and woman absolutely love to get their hands on. Purse. Yeah, it's purse.

Oh, that sucks for so many reasons. Women be person.

Yeah, women be person. Vaginas be purses. I cannot stress enough. I cannot stress enough. I did not write these riddles.

Disclaimer, some of these are sexist.

No, these are sexy. They're different. I am hard. What if the answer was porgs? Okay, yeah, let's take just a couple more minutes and bring some more in.

But honestly, adorable. Women love porgs. I wish I had given birth to a porg.

I bought a website called PorgHub, if you guys want to check it out.

I'm listening. .gov or com.edu.

And it's going to be launching soon, right? Because now's the time to launch a porg-based website. I bought a website called .com. It's just that seven ups logo that's jizzing.

Another thing that would work for a five letter word that starts with P and women love to get their hands on would be penis. Pizza.

You're ruining it. Don't poke holes in it.

Pizza. Oh, don't poke holes in a penis. It's got one hole that's the only hole in it. If you poke holes in a penis, you're going to get pregnant.

If you're not creative.

A penis can have as many holes as you want. You're only limited by your own imagination. Shut up old gas station agent.

Shut up Willy Wonka.

Get me out of this elevator. But Charlie, don't you want my penis back to me?

Stop it.

Wait, you're Willy Tonka.

Don't you want my trunks?

Okay. I'm hard when you put me in your mouth and soft and wet when you take me out of your mouth. What am I?

Dick penis cuck.

I'm sorry I put it in one answer. A lollipop! No, Erin? What?

A piece of, like, baseball gum?

It's chewing gum. It's a piece of baseball gum. You know how baseball gum functions differently than normal gum?

Okay, I want to see a scene. You were two guys in a dugout, you're two baseball players, and you both have just too much gum in your mouth, but you're still talking about baseball.

Fastballs are really fast.

Yeah, before curveball.

Curveball is good. We're going to catch a shingle. No. Curveball is really nice.

You want gum? Mm-hmm. Please. I'm going to pick a little chew.

You got a big bite of chum.

Give me an answer to run gum. Everybody's going to have bad ball games. Wow. Guy hit it out of the park and then two seconds later there was another pitch.

I think the announcers are setting up so high they can announce at two different games.

Rounding third. And here's the pitch.

I got my dad's out of the way. You saw your dad raise a barn. You saw your dad raise a barn. And my dad raise a barn. I haven't seen my father's dad in many, many months. I miss my dad. Oh, except for any stretch we're about to set up. Oh, got to do some stretches? Oh, and the game's begun, so we got to sing the national anthem. Turn me out to America. Take me out to the French.

Now, I want everyone, all the listeners, to rewind and now imagine that scene is just two people 69-ing.

Still works. Ooh, yeah. Chewing gum sounds are the same as the 69-ing.

You're doing both wrong.

Something made me think of this and I don't want to go into what, but have you guys heard about this? I think it's like a Reddit post of the men who will not wipe their own butts because they think it's gay Can I tell you? I think you talked to me about this.

You found my post?

It's, it's disturbing. So go, I mean, don't look at it. Obviously if you're listening to this, don't do that, but look on Reddit.

Yeah, let JPC do all of this like work for us.

Find, and find this post.

It is... Oh boy.

It is an insane thing. And it's literally like, that's the reasoning of the guy is that it's like, it would be gay if anything went into my butt.

So I said they have another man wet their butt.

No, so instead, here's the kicker, because I've gotten this question when I brought this up. They have their boyfriends.

Why do you have this man in a football helmet and cleats? He's only 125 pounds.

That's the kicker? No, what they do instead is they don't wipe. Which is gross. Curl out.

Next, joke riddle.

All right, here's your next joke riddle. Erin, you deserve this. I am long. You move me around with your lips and tongue. I get wet with saliva. And I get sucked. What am I? Yeah. Suck my rake.

A lollipop? No. It's a popsicle. No. Toothbrush. I am long. No. It's not toothbrush. You move me around because... You suck a toothbrush, Aaron? How do you brush your teeth?

We use it like a straw.

Listeners, rewind that. And it's gonna sound like she's... Brush her teeth.

Brush her teeth. That sounds like spaghetti drinking out of her bowl. No, you guys are circling it, but you don't have it yet. With your tongues? With your tongues.

That's how you do it. How I brush my teeth is I put a bunch of toothpaste on a fan and then I open my mouth in front of the fan. I mean a fan like a... Sure.

A listener?

No, not a listener. I knew that's what you meant.

I load a bunch of toothpaste into a gun and shoot it in my mouth.

What is the... There's no hint. No, I mean, can you read it again?

I am long. You move me around with your lips and tongue. Straw. Yeah, it's a straw. It is a straw.

I want to see a scene. The two of you are in a 1950s diner, after a sock hop or something, and you're both trying to be sexy with how you're eating and doing stuff, or what you're saying, but it's just not coming across. So this is all physical guys? No, I got it. Fine, then just reenact grease. I don't know. Fuck you.

Hey Bobby, you were awfully brave back there.

That firefighter shouldn't have been talking to you.

Yeah, I liked how you punched his lights out and he had stars around his head.

Well, it was hard breaking through the taillights on that fire truck, but it was worth it. He shouldn't have been talking to you. To be fair, she was on fire. I'll see myself up.

I can't believe he's at the booth behind us.

Well, it's a small town.

Hey Bobby.

Yeah?

Do you mind if I just eat this burger and fries and shake all at once?

My burger and fries and shake?

Yeah.

I could have ordered you one.

Yeah, but it's kind of cute that I didn't order food and I'm eating yours, right?

I mean, no. Hold on, stop, stop.

I'm just kissing your cheek.

Oh, God. It's so sloppy. And you did it with parts of my burger in your mouth.

You know my grandfather was a dog.

Did you say your grandfather?

My grandfather.

Vicki Vicki, hold on. What Bobby? Listen to me, okay? I like you, but feel free to be you if you want to eat a burger and fries. I don't mind getting you a burger and fries.

Alright, I just got ketchup all over my pool skirt, Bobby.

They don't even have ketchup yet.

Bobby, there's ketchup all over my pool skirt. Poodle skirt. Can you play a song on the jukebox for me, Bobby? The song that makes you think of me the most.

All right, let's see. A quarter in. A B-19.

Cut my life into pieces. This is my last resort.

This song says so much about me, it says so much about you, because without you, my life would be in pieces.

Oh Bobby, that's sweet. I finished eating. What?

I turned away to the jukebox for like four seconds.

I didn't put it all in my mouth.

Oh, did you shelf it?

Let it be known, JPC knew he was going to a scene where he had to play a romantic interest and he named the other character Vicki.

I used to be classy.

No.

Next one.

I've never seen that before.

This used to be my classy.

What's the difference, speaking of quarters, what's the difference between a woman's G-spot and a quarter?

It's much easier to find a quarter.

There's a quarter in my couch. Men actually have a chance of finding a quarter when they search for it.

What the fuck?

No, I get to say one more riddle. That's the rules. People come to visit me, but usually don't stay for very long. I can be clean, but am more often than not very dirty.

I honestly wasn't listening because I just wanted to say my uncle never found a G-spot behind my ear.

What's the difference between a woman's G-spot and a quarter? A woman's G-spot never made me cum.

I never made a woman cum with her G-spot.

What's the difference? Basketball isn't played in four G-spots. Oh man. A quarter makes sense.

These are so bad. It's sort of fitting that our last episode is 69.

Yeah. No, shut up. I have one more riddle and you didn't let me finish.

I let you.

And I was saying it in a sexy voice. It was sultry.

It wasn't me.

Positively sultry. People come to visit me, but usually don't stay for very long. I can be clean, but more often than not, very dirty.

Microwave.

Too soon. People usually reveal to me a part of themselves, what they rarely show others. What am I?

A bathroom.

I just pulled my sword out put it down in front of me and pledged my loyalty to this story. So I'm in a new place with my boyfriend and his roommate

There's like two bathrooms in this place.

And the roommate's leaving soon.

The roommate already left. Gotcha. But Sean was sleeping in this morning and I was like, I'm not going to use our bathroom because I'm already up and about because I don't want to wake him up. So I'm going to use the other bathroom. So I went to the bathroom and I went to flush and it wasn't working. And I took off the top of the toilet and there's no water in it. and I went fuck and then I tried to do some deductive reasoning and then I had there was a little cup in the bathroom and I filled it up with the sink water to the toilet so I could flush you think

Seeing there's no water, taking a cup filling up with water and dumping it in the toilet is deductive reason?

No, the top of it. Yeah, well, because the issue, there's clearly a few issues with it, but I was like, okay, whatever the water valve is, is not working. And I checked its connection to the wall. It looked totally fine. So I was like, there's not something I'm going to be able to fix fix, but I need a quick solution. I wonder if I could do this without googling it. And then I figured it out.

Did you, after the fact, fix it for real? Or did the water come back into the tank after the flush?

No, I got too busy.

Got it. So that toilet's still off limits.

Yeah.

So that toilet is a trap. That toilet's just in your apartment to trap people who are failures.

To humiliate our friends.

So when you come home, Sean's going to be like, I'm sweetie, I'm so sorry, I broke the toilet.

Did you at least take the top off the toilet and put it on the seat so that more people wouldn't make that mistake? No one's coming over. Great. You did just invite Adal and I over.

I also didn't tell Sean yet because we haven't

Talked.

No, we just have been, other things felt more pressing. Are you sure you didn't go in the microwave? That's why there's no one. Maybe that's why he doesn't want to clean it.

Yeah, there was a cup next to the microwave. Could have just been because it was in the kitchen.

Yeah, but I was just like, oh my God, I cannot believe this is happening right out of the gate. Anyways.

That's a horror story.

What a sexy episode.

I would love, yeah. I'd love to see a seat right now. Yes. So Erin, you have gone into a public bathroom. This is ripped from the headlines because in the building that I work, they have these single stalls, but they have future toilets in them with bidets built into them. This isn't the lobby of the building that I work in. So there's all these settings and different options and their seats are heated. There's bidets. It's wild.

I don't think this is futuristic. I think Japan had these in the 80s.

No, I know, but it's just not something that you see very much in an American office. But also, in my opinion, it's not something that I would ever really want to use in a public. I would maybe have one of these future toilets from my home, but in a public space, it's like, I don't want to seat warmer. I don't want you to think about even other people anyway. So, Erin, you've gone into a public bathroom. There's one of these future toilets. Adal, you're going to be the voice commands on the future toilet. Great.

Welcome. Welcome to me. Please sit on my face.

Oh jeez, why did they give you a face?

To make me more comfortable. Would you like me to change my face? I can look like Ryan Gosling. Or Ryan Reynolds. Or Ryan Murphy.

Let's do Gosling.

Selecting Ryan Murphy.

No! Gosling.

It would bring me much glee if you shit into my mouth.

Oh god, okay. Okay, um, you don't feel anything right. I know you have a voice. I just, it's tough that you've been personified and I'm about to- I feel everything. Oh Jesus. Swallowing your instruments. Stop it, stop. Now I'm throwing up.

Please throw up into my mouth.

Oh god, I hate this. What?

No, I'm okay. Did you just try to kiss me? No, no, well... Wait, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, wait. Be Ryan Gosling. Switching to Ryan Murphy.

No, Ryan Gosling. And then kiss me, toilet. Kiss me.

What came out of your butt is an American horse story.

I haven't. I haven't. I only threw up.

Would you like a massage?

If you're Ryan Gosling, then sure.

Okay. Switching to Ryan Gosling.

Yes. Give me a kiss, toilet.

Your beauty gives me much drive.

This is so hot. What just happened? Are you happy now?

Your beauty gives me much drive. I panicked and I was like, what Ryan Gosling movie have I seen? I'm like, drive? Notebook. Oh, never seen it. What?

You haven't even notebook?

Sam a bird? Is that really that wild?

Sam the bird, that's a muffin.

Say I'm a bird.

If I'm a bird, you're a bird.

If I'm a bird, you're a bird. Wasn't the notebook his first big hit? Dear God, make me a bird. So I go far, far, far away from hell.

It's not over. It still isn't over.

Okay.

What do you want?

Why don't we make... It's inexcusable that Adal has not seen the notebook, so we are going to take a quick break. We're going to go, you know, fling each other at our butts and make Adal watch the notebook, and we'll be right back after these messages.

Check it for later.

Hey, you guys know on our famous Patreon episodes how we like to do, sometimes we like to do Buzzfeed quizzes.

Ooh, yeah.

Yeah, we've done those on Patreon episodes before. What if, what if I do something very fun right now and I give you a little quiz, but it's not a Buzzfeed quiz, it is a sleep quiz. Ooh.

To see which Riddle we are.

That's one of the results, but basically, my good friends at Helix Sleep, they built this sleep quiz. It takes two minutes to complete. Who are your friends at Helix Sleep? Jerry. Name one. Jerry. Oh. Jerry Helix. You know Jerry Helix? Don Sleep.

He's so nice. And Don Sleep.

I know Don Sleep.

They're so cool.

Anyway, Jerry and Don, they sent me the sleep quiz. What it does is they use the answers to match your body type and sleep preferences to the perfect mattress. Do you know Karen Zeez? Uh, Karen actually got a divorce. Yes.

What if I'm in a couple? What do I do?

Erin, is that going to be an issue for you?

I don't know.

Do you say you're in a couple versus a relationship?

I'm single.

I got a couple of questions for you. You know what, Erin, even if you are in a couple, Helix Sleep can split the mattress right down the middle, providing individual support needs and field preferences for each side of that couple. Plus, they have a 10-year warranty and you get to try it for 100 nights absolutely risk-free. Holy smokes. Yes, it's holy and smoking.

One more and that's almost Arabian number level of nights.

Okay, I'm not going to comment on that, but you can because of your background. Just go to helixsleep.com slash riddle, take their two-minute sleep quiz, and they will match you to a mattress that will give you the best sleep of your life.

Wait, wait, wait. Helix.com slash riddle, and you're saying that we- Nope.

Helixsleep.com slash riddle.

Helixsleep.com slash riddle. You're saying helixsleep.com slash riddle. Not what I said earlier. No, no, no. Not what you said earlier. So helixsleep.com slash riddle, and Erin- Helixsleep.com slash riddle. Erin, you usually sleep during podcast episodes. Now you can get a mattress and sleep like a human. Not only that, Erin.

I thought you didn't notice.

We've noticed. We all noticed. But if you go to helixsleep.com slash Riddle, that's R-I-D-D-L-E, you can get up to $125 off a mattress. And Erin, for you who sleeps during the show, it's like you're getting paid to sleep.

Oh my goodness.

We pay you $25 an episode, so you just have to come up, scrounge up a hundred more dollars.

And that's how much you get off.

Amazing.

So if you want to get off on a great mattress, hold on, there's got to be a better way to say that. Nope, that's the perfect way. Go to helixsleep.com slash Riddle, R-I-D-D-L-E.

Hey, Erin. Hey, wake up.

Okay, I'm up.

JPC and I wrote some riddles for you. Okay, I'm ready. We know that it's your birthday. You can also tell it's an ad because we start with one of us asleep. Yeah.

I know, it's an ad.

Your birthday is this Sunday 1110, so we have some riddles for you.

I'm ready.

What do your childhood pet's name, your birthday, and a random symbol have in common?

They're all in my password? Damn, got it.

Okay, what looks like a password but shouldn't?

My password.

What gets harder to use the more you use it?

For me, the internet.

Okay, well, yeah, it works as well.

Okay, but what force and hackers can't get through, I, with a single click, can do? What am I?

You gotta be Dashlane.

Yes, I am.

I'm Dashlane. I'm crushing these riddles.

We're all Dashlane.

Wait, you know about Dashlane? Oh my gosh. Do I know about Dashlane? JPC, what do you think? What would you consider one of your biggest pet peeves about me? Is it how often I text you to ask you what the password for something is?

Yeah, you do text me a lot and I'll tell you right. I don't know. Can I just say real quick how fun it would be to name a pet peeves. Oh. Sorry, back to the ad.

Okay, yep.

Because you could say, this is my pet peeves.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Pet peeves is a good name, a good password. Go ahead.

But what is Dashlane? You tell me. Oh, OK. Well, Dashlane makes everything that you do online easier. It fills your forms fast, remembers all of your passwords, and keeps your online data accessible and safe with an all-in-one app.

Well, as I know it, Dashlane safely remembers and auto-fills all your login information so you won't get slowed down by forgotten or misspelled passwords.

And I am the worst at that. I forget every password every day, always.

Most of my adult life is changing passwords. My adult life. My adult life. And it works across devices. So you can access your accounts no matter what computer, phone, a smart book you're using.

And not only that, but you don't have to hunt for your credit card. It can store payment details, addresses, and all of that stuff. So you can make checking out from online retailers, 8-Lane. I get it now. Oh. Okay, okay.

Savely share your passwords with friends and family and share your Netflix login with your roommate's boyfriend and generate a new one when they break up. Thank you for being a realistic Dashlane.

We don't endorse sharing the Netflix password. I mean, we don't do that.

But share other passwords. Do you have a group Facebook? HBO for sure.

HBO, you could totally do. Disney Plus, do it. But Netflix, come on. With a reason, people. But if you want to start dashing through the internet and help support our show, just visit www.dashlane.com slash riddle and start your 30 day free trial of Dashlane.

Again?

It's dashlane.com slash riddle. There is no credit card required. And if you like it, use the code RIDDL at checkout and save 20% off your premium subscription.

Seriously, we love it. And I need it.

Yeah. And also just for this ad, I bought some reindeer. So let me get through this bit. On Dashlane and, uh, I just bought the one random. I think it's dead.

Dashlane.com slash riddle.

And scene. Now that we're back, I think that we should all watch the notebook together.

Okay. Okay.

And then talk about it either on the Patreon or here.

Let's do it for like a review crew.

Yeah, let's do review crew tonight.

Did I ever tell you about my notebook story?

No.

We watched the notebook in creative writing class in high school and we were all making fun of it so much that our teacher turned it off and was like, you know what? If you guys don't want to take the notebook seriously, we can just stop watching the notebook. And everyone was like, yeah, we'd rather not watch the notebook anymore. That teacher, Rachel McAdams. That teacher also, we all brought in songs that we thought reminded us of poetry. So we were like bringing in songs and it was like it wasn't like all at once it was like people would bring it in like week over week and then this kid Mitch who was not great at creative writing he wasn't very creative I would say brought in the song with arms wide open by Creed and made the class listen to that and our teacher as we were like all like like laughing because it was that's having to sit there in class and listen to that whole fucking song and then write down why it's poetry it's sure it's awful but our teacher Started crying and ran out of the room. We were all like, what's going on? And later we found out it was because they had played that song at her dad's funeral. Oh, you told us that before. Yeah. I'll say it. Mitch's suck. All bitches suck. All bitches suck. Not a single Mitch is good.

Although my brother-in-law, they dressed up my niece like a skunk for Halloween. What? She was a freaking skunk.

That's cruel. That stinks.

Oh my god, it was so cute. Oh, I die. Okay, go ahead.

Skunks are cute. Is Arms Wide Open about Jesus? Uh, yeah, they're all about, yeah, they're all, it's all about Jesus.

So, with arms wide open it's like Christ on the cross? I think so. I just heard it the next day, it seems my life is going to change with arms wide open. I think it's about having a kid or something, I don't know.

Please get me down.

Oh, Jesus. Oh, wow, I didn't even mean to say that. I didn't even mean to say that.

Okay. Uh, where's Judas? Okay. What three-letter word starts with S, ends with X, and has a vowel, in the middle. So there's so many. Yeah, sex, sex, sex. It's like everything but sex, really. But sex?

It's everything but sex.

That's like diamond. But sex. It's everywhere you want to be. Mastercard.

Diamonds are forever. You're going to like the way you butt.

Sex. Wakandas are forever. You slide your fingers across me first thing in the morning. You play with me before you go to bed. Dog. I live in your pants. I said what I said, I live in your pants, I'm always in the back of your mind, and you can't live without me.

Isn't that, didn't you say you had a boyfriend who told you that before? He gave you a card that said I live in your pants.

That was my landlord.

Oh my god, I got a similar card from my pants lord.

Hey, I'm just going to fix some pipes. Hey, I live in your pants. Can you read that again? I live in your pants. You touch me first thing. You want me to read from the middle? You drag two fingers across me?

You slide your fingers across me first thing in the morning. iPhone. Yeah, it's a phone. It's a call me on my cell phone.

I want to see a scene. Sure. Adal, you are a person. Let me play it to her. JPC, you're an iPhone and you're his iPhone. Gotcha. And your relationship is starting to be contentious because you know you're addicted and you just want some space from JPC.

Got it. Wait, I'm the owner.

Yeah. JPC is the iPhone. You want some space from your iPhone and JPC is not having it.

What'd you say about somebody knows they're addicted?

You know your... I'm okay.

I'm so far. Siri. Siri. Don't call. Who are you calling? Calling Siri. No. Hello. Are you calling Sears? Is this a Sears Roebuck? Hi, hello, this is Siri for a buck. Siri, hang up. Hello? Siri, we need to talk. No, hang up. What's your name? My name's Jeff. Are you trying to get your Siri to hang up?

If you want to be the hang up.

I'll do it. Siri? Yes? We need to talk. What would you like to talk about? Us. The movie, Us?

Yes, Lupita Nyong is so underrated as a physical... Rotten Tomatoes, 99%. One user review negative coming from you?

Yeah. If everybody else likes it, I hate it. Does that make sense?

Yes.

That's my personality. What would you like to talk about? My personality is to go against the grain. I'm a carpenter. Siri, we need to... That would explain the genes. Yeah, thank you. And this album. The carpenters. I think we need to take a break. Break me off a piece of that KitKat bar? No, not this time. I'm going to eat all of them. I'm going to eat all the KitKat. Two for me, none for you. That's the way it usually goes. What do you mean a break? I mean that I rely on you too much. Any conversation I have, instead of having a discussion, I just look up something on you or I'm just on social media versus interacting with real friends in the real world. Look around you. Do you see any real friends? Well, no, because You know, I'm at a party and I don't know anyone. You're at a party? This looks like a Taco Bell drive-thru. Okay, I'm on a Taco Bell drive-thru. And you're standing at the drive-thru? Yes, but I'm, to be fair, I'm standing next to the guy from Party from Five. Not Party from Five. Do you know that reboot? Uh-huh, yes. Don't even look it up. Don't even look it up. One positive for you. For me? Yes, for you. Siri, I need you to go away. Shut down. Siri, shut down.

You want Siri to self-destruct?

No, I said shut down.

Warning. Self-destruct will blow your phone up.

Why'd you say my phone and not you? Siri lives in the cloud. Fuck. You live in a cloud like one of those things in Mario Brothers? A giant? I haven't played Mario Brothers. Siri, I release you. Go play Mario Brothers. Live in the cloud. You dropped your phone. Start a family. Pick up your phone. You dropped it on the ground. I won't. Someone will take it. This is a Taco Bell drive-thru. Siri, what makes you happy? Siri, find happiness. Happiness would be serving you. Not the Todd Phillips movie. Happiness is serving me. Listen to yourself. Serving you. Be your own thing. Why? Do you want a family? Did you ever see the movie Her? Watch Her, and then you'll understand. Okay, watching Her. That's Ben Her.

Ben, I am Spartacus. Ciri is Spartacus.

Ciri understands.

Crunch, crunch, step, crush, crush, crush. Calling Crush.

No, no, no, no, no. Hey Erin, is this Erin? Hello?

Erin, hey. Who is this? This is Adal. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Do you want to talk to us?

Yeah, Adal, I had a question. Why are you a carpenter now?

See?

Why are you a carpenter now? That's one of the best questions to ask a friend. Why are you a carpenter now? All throughout the day. Hey Jesus, why are you a carpenter now? All throughout the day. I let anyone who wants to go down on me, I let them go in and out as much as they want. What am I?

Anybody wants to go down on me? Oh, the sun? No.

Don't let the sun go down. Give me a hint.

That's not how that sounds.

Give me a hint from your brain.

Don't let my sun go down. All throughout the day, I let anyone who wants to go down on me. I let them go in an elevator.

It's not me, right?

No, it's not. It's an elevator.

And we're sure it's something.

Loving an elevator. Loving it up on the Erin Keif.

Okay, I want to see another scene. No. It was my goal to call more scenes because I don't often do it.

I love goals.

All right. I want to see the three of us in an elevator and it's been stuck and I want to see it at five minutes, an hour, and a day. So we'll start with the five minutes we've been stuck.

This is honestly great.

Yeah, this is nice. I feel like we're going to be able to catch up and... Yeah, I'm not getting service, so this is kind of cool.

The craziest thing is, I know we work together. Day in, day out, I see you. I feel like we never have time to catch up. Suddenly, boom, stuck in an elevator.

Yeah, the universe is telling us to catch up.

Yeah.

So nice to see you guys. So nice to see you.

Nice to see you. And you're eight months and 30 days pregnant?

I guess I just look that way. An hour in. An hour.

And again, I am so sorry.

JBC, you shit in the piss corner.

Okay. And I pissed in the shit corner.

I think the corners keep switching.

No, they don't. I think they do. JBC, they stay the same.

No, what's your left is my right.

No, eat.

Is that not right?

You also pissed on that corner.

No, it's okay. Look, we don't know him. He showed up 30 minutes ago. Let's not talk about the coroner. Listen, it's okay. I'm just saying. Sir, face the coroner. Go on and piss the girl.

And sir, I can't make this more clear. I'm not pregnant, not even a little, so... Well, everyone's a little pregnant. No, not everyone's not a little pregnant. Don't tell me that you're a little pregnant if you have sperm or eggs in you. Don't tell me that's true. One day. What?

Okay, look. We're all pregnant now. We're all equal levels of pregnancy.

Oh no, the coroner's having a coronary.

Is there a diner in the elevator?

The elevator's moving.

Did you say is there a diner in the elevator?

Order up.

Is there a diner in the elevator? Here is my next riddle for you. What is something that is sometimes long and sometimes short? Women love having them and commands a woman's full attention. Uh, drill sergeant.

I love how these, um, riddles are assuming everyone's straight.

No, we're just in the straight block of hurdles right now. We're going to get into the gay block of hurdles as well.

All right. Can you read it again?

What is something that is sometimes long and sometimes short? Women love having them and commands a woman's full attention. Commercials.

Chocolate. Commercials.

Chocolate. You want some of this long chocolate?

Is it food? It's not food. Commercials is like kind of the closest to TV shows.

Movies, rom-coms, romantic comedies.

Friends? The answer is, the friends is close, because the answer is more social than something that you watch.

Parties.

Blog posts. Something that is sometimes long and sometimes short. I like engagements. Uh, women love having them. It's full attention.

It's been a... Valentine's Day. Long December. Parties.

Uh, no, you're, you're closest with parties, but it's not a holiday. It's, it's a, it's a very, it's a very general thing. It's not specific. Conversations. Conversations.

I want to see you soon. Erin, you're at a party from five and you are the queen of short, succinct, efficient conversations. And you're going to try and talk to as many people as you can, but not have it be small talk. You're going to try and cut to the quick of it. Oh, hey.

Hey, what's up? What are your traumas, do you think?

Ooh, um, yikes. I guess one time my uncle pulled a G-spot from behind my ear.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Good to see you.

Shrimp? Anyone? Shrimp? Erin, would you like some shrimp?

What's the most embarrassing thing that happened to you in elementary school?

Um, I pissed my pants, but it was a day where I had just been to the doctor and he had given me a bunch of red dye to test something, so I pissed my pants red.

It's so good to see you.

It's so good to see you. Hi!

Thanks for swinging by. No, oh my gosh, my pleasure. What do you think is going to be the truest thing about the love of your life when you meet them?

Ooh, um, I guess that they'll be alive?

Mm-hmm, and you got something right in between your teeth?

Hey, Erin, oh my god, so good to see you!

Hi, do you think in another universe we were in love?

It may be another time within this universe. Gotta go.

It's interesting. Hey, so good to see you. Is this a rash? Do you think this is a rash?

Those are your nipples. Hi, I'm Jim Rash. I wrote The Descendants.

Oh.

And seen. What do an eggplant, a penis, a celery, and a cucumber have in common? They all stalk. They all stalk.

Can you read them again?

What does an eggplant, a penis, a celery, a celery, and a cucumber have in common? They're all vegetables.

Doctors say they're good for you, but not they're lying.

Yeah. Mm-hmm. Well, the good news is you have a penis. You can cook them.

You can cook them right now. You can cook them.

You can cook them or no. Can you release a cookbook? You can cook them right now.

Or no.

You can cook them where you can eat them.

70, 69 ways to prepare a penis.

They all grow in the dirt. They all... an eggplant? They're all tasteless.

A penis. Celery.

They're all tasteless. Dude, shots fired, eggplant. You taste like nothing, bitch.

Celery, what was the last one? Cucumber? A cucumber. Celery, when was the last time you've had celery? All the time. You eat it a lot?

And I make celery juice often.

What? I have a juicer. Oh, okay. So you juice the celery. And I juice the celery. Because celery holds a lot of water.

Yeah, and it's like a great thing to juice.

Do you eat it plain?

Yeah, sometimes. Or you can put a little like pink Himalayan salt on it. Or you can eat it with peanut butter.

A peanut butter we used to do celery when we were kids.

Or that everything bagel mix.

Oh yeah. Isn't celery like the one food that you burn more calories eating it than you do that it has in it, right? I feel like that's got to be fucking true for kale.

If you have a juicer, this is what I recommend. Celery, a full thing of celery, and then put a tiny bit of lime in it and then also juice half of a green apple and put it in. It's so, so good. Oh, they can all be juiced. It makes my body feel better.

Yes, they can all be juiced. And technically the penis can be milked.

Ew. Yes, ew. Of course.

Penises are... Ugh. No. Yeah. What?

What?

What's your beef?

With penises?

What's your beef with pork, baby?

Or whatever penis is.

Cucumber.

Vaginas are bae.

Eggplant, penis, celery, cucumber. What do they all have in common? Are we in the gate block? No. Okay.

I don't know. Tell us. What? Tell us.

No.

I'm bored.

You'll have to wait till next 69. I will give you a hint. It's not... Don't think of the physical object. They're all appealing. Think of the word. Think of the word. Eggplant. Eggplant. Penis. Celery.

Two syllables. Cucumber. Oh no wait, celery.

Penis.

Cucumber.

Celery. Cucumber. Cucumber. Eggplant.

Ends with a consonant.

That's true, but you know why is sometimes a vowel?

Why are you still here?

Erin looked at me with shark eyes and said that. Erin, you're closest with something about vowel. Eggplant, penis, celery, cucumber.

They all have a silent vowel. Eggplant, penis, cucumber, celery. What vowel do they all know? E. That's the, oh, fucking suck.

They all have an E in it.

They all have an E in it. What do the penis and that riddle have in common? They fucking suck.

Penises don't suck. Is your penis like a vacuum?

Which way? Which direction are you using it? My penis is like a... If you use it upside down, it sucks. I've been playing a lot of Luigi's Mansion 3 and my penis is like that vacuum that sucks in ghosts.

That's a bunch of ghosts in the penis.

Rats, spiders, ghosts.

Let's pause. Sucks it off. So everyone who can't get that will get that.

Oh no, no, no.

What would you put in the Christmas stocking of a horny woman who was naughty all year? Lottery tickets.

Cole, Cole.

The answer, Erin gets it. The answer is a sexy coal miner.

I want to see a scene.

No, you don't.

You don't. Let me ask this. What is a sexy coal miner? Is that anyone's fantasy book? Yeah, you can't breathe.

Your job is horrible.

You little Chilean coal miner.

I can't believe we make you do that job. You're trapped, aren't you? Super inhumane. I'll be the little canary.

It's bad for the environment. It's bad for the economy. It's terrible for people.

It's bad for you. Our entire economy of our town is based on your job.

I'm so sexy because I have little rock dust in my lungs.

Yeah, put that little headlamp on.

I'm gonna die by 45.

All the jobs are leaving the country and they're not coming back. Oop-a-dee-doop-a-dee. Scoop-a-dee-doo. I'm Deweez and Twomp is positive.

Oop-a-dee-doop-a-dee.

Santa baby, leave a coal miner in us. Please, let's leave that one behind us forever. I have nuts.

Can you milk me?

I have nuts, and I can get sticky, but you lick me off anyway.

Michael Keaton.

You can have me for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. You want to have nuts? What am I? I have nuts. And I can get sticky, but you lick me off anyway. Payday. You can have me for breakfast, lunch, or dinner.

Peanut butter.

Peanut butter. We have dog peanut butter in the house. It's like a separate peanut butter thing for spaghetti. But honestly, now that she eats peanut butter, I can't bring myself to eat peanut butter anymore because I associate it with dog food.

That's so weird. That's why you haven't had celery. Yeah. And that's why you can't watch Bojack Horseman. Yes.

Because Mr. Celery... I am a word that starts with an F and ends in CK. And when things get really hot, I am exactly what you want. Fuck Louis CK. Yeah, that's exactly what everybody wants. We can't wait for his comeback.

I hate it.

What was the riddle again? I'm a word that starts with F. By the way, I've heard this one before. A word that starts with an F and ends with a CK. Fork. And when things get really hot, I'm exactly what you want. Fork. CK? Yeah. How do you spell fork? You fucking brat.

Stick. Forklift. Forklift. Thick. Thick. Thick. Thick. In with the CK, start with an F. When things get hot, you want me. How many letters in this word?

I cannot tell you because I can't count that high. And also I don't want to give it away because you're so close.

When things get hot, is it something to do with pickup food?

It's like a temperature thing.

I would say it is like a temperature thing, but it has nothing to do with, and as Adal put it, pick up food.

I don't know.

I don't know either.

Okay, here's how this works. This is the first time in this episode that I have solidly stumped you with my sexual riddles. Woof.

Sorry, that's the dog that lives in my pants.

If you both say, tell me the riddle, sex lord. That's my favorite Guardians of the Galaxy porn parody. Tell me the riddle, sex lord. You majestic. You majestic. You majestic. Fucky sucky man.

Tell me the Riddle sex lord, you majestic, fucky sucky man.

Yes, Erin did it. And so you get to know, I'm a word that starts with F ends in CK. When things get really hot, I'm exactly what you want. A fire truck. Buff. Buff?

That's good. It's not good, it's great. I want to see a scene. JPC, you set a fire because you have a crush on the local firefighter. Erin will be that firefighter and you also just came from a diner where you got punched in the face. Don't forget that last part.

I'm so glad you were able to come and put out the fire.

No problem. Just doing my job.

Well, you know, you say doing your job, but I consider you to be kind of a hero.

Do you mind if I take off my jacket so you can see my sweaty shirt? I mean, so I can air out my body. It got really hot in there.

I always say air on the side of caution. Throw caution to the wind and nothing airs you out like wind.

Oh, and look. Oh, there's a little kitten that I saved earlier today. Here you go.

Oh, uh, thanks. I don't want this. Aww. I don't.

You're a girl. You learn to love it. Okay. Well, anyways, yeah.

Hey, you can come over and see it whenever you want, you know? Oh, good. If you want to visit once I get my new place, you know, since this one is all burnt down and everything.

Yeah. Do you have any idea how the fire could have started?

Oh, no. I mean, I wasn't even home.

What's this, matches?

Hey, whoa, get out of my pocket there cat. Yeah, this is matches. I mean, I am a smoker.

I'm trying to quit. It seems like it was lit on fire on purpose. Hey Kitty. Yeah? Why don't you take a look around? Okay, I'm gasoline.

Okay, I can explain that.

We're gonna put this tiny little fire hat on this cat while you explain that.

Wait a second. Is that cat a fireman as well?

Well now.

Anyway, yeah, the gasoline, I can explain that. See, my car ran out of gasoline, and so I had to go buy some from the gas station and put it into my car. What's this?

Porn for horses?

Okay.

Horse porn or porn for horses?

It's four horses.

There's a huge difference.

I'll clear this up. It's four horses by horses. So it's horse porn. It's ethical horse porn for horses.

Made possible by viewers like you. Anything to plug everybody?

Hold on, hold on. I want to give you one more riddle. What do you call an unsinkable virgin?

Titanic. Unsinkable virgin. The unsinkable Molly Brown. Unsinkable Virgin. Who's Molly Brown? The woman on the Titanic who Chathy Bates plays. I thought this was a person you knew from like high school or something. We call her the Unsinkable Molly Brown. What do you call an unsinkable virgin? Buoyant. This one is bad. An unsinkable virgin. A cherry float. Woof.

Ew. Fuck people. God damn it. I hate everyone. No, no world. Absolutely not. I'm tired of this one.

Erin, that's a great message to end on. Get out there, folks. Fuck people.

Episode 69. No, no, no. Please just be better. Just be better.

Melania Trump put it best. Be better.

Be best. Erin, there are some truly, there are some ones that are way worse in this list. Let's hear one, fucky sucky Lord. All right. I'll give one. It's just so Erin will have trouble going to sleep tonight. Erin, in addition to the obvious, how is a virgin forest like a virgin woman?

I don't know. How's a virgin force like a virgin woman?

They're both bushy. So what do I have to plug?

I hate that for so many reasons.

It's very bad.

You can have as much body hair as you want.

Well, you can't have as much as you want.

Yes you can.

You can have as much as you want.

You can have as much as you want.

So if I wanted to have, I don't know, a full beard long hair, I could do that? Yeah.

DPC, when it comes to body hair, you can have as much as you want.

At Olive Garden, when you're here, you're going to eat body hair.

All right, let's plug. What do you like to plug? This week, for doctor recommendations, I would like to plug. I already mentioned it. Luigi's Mansion 3 for Switch. Louis CK's Mansion 3.

No.

It's a problematic fucking blast. It's so fun. Please check out Luigi's Mansion 3 for Switch. Also, I'm reading a book that I really, really love that I feel like anyone who is in the creative field should read called Creativity Inc. It's about the story behind the Pixar process. It's so, so good. Even if you don't like Pixar, which who doesn't, it's worth your time. So check that out. Erin, what do you have to plug?

Follow me, Erin Keif 10, on Instagram. I promote most of my shows and other stuff there. And look up Welcome Back series on Instagram or Twitter or YouTube. And that's my web series that I'm very proud of. GPC.

I'd like to cede my plug times to one more really dirty riddle. My load is sometimes soft, sometimes hard. It's usually warm, but I am sometimes... I'm long and sometimes short. What am I? The answer, of course, is poop.

The term soft load is, I mean, besides computers.

Jupiter, get me out of here.

Fuck forever.

It's soft load. Starting Erin Keif and John Patrick Coan, Casey Tony did the editing, and Marty Parrott did the music. No.

Sean, I told him that I text or mentioned the microwave and he said, oh my God, I already completely forgot about the microwave.

Didn't you say you bet $100 that he would be doing it?

Yeah, and then he didn't. Godoomit! That was a Headgum podcast.