Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Hey Erin. What's up? Do you know how to tell in prison if someone's killed someone?

Uh, does it look like I do?

Well, you can tell by how many tiers they have. And did you know that our Patreon, patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle, is adding two new tiers?

Tell me about it.

We have a $1 tier. Yeah, so the $1 tier is great. If you pay $1 a month, you get to be a idiot, which means that you get access to our monthly newsletter, you get access to exclusive Patreon-only merch, and you get access to our live show announcements before anybody else.

And then at the $5 tier, it's the same thing as it is now, plus all that $1 tier stuff. So you're going to get our weekly Friday episodes where we do all sorts of nonsense like Hey Relationship Relationship and our D&D campaign and all sorts of other nonsense. All our live shows. Audio of my parents, audio of us with our significant others.

And at the $8 tier, you're going to get everything in the $5 tier, everything in the $1 tier, plus you're going to get access to our monthly new content, our new series called Review Crew. That's going to be us reviewing things having to do with mysteries and riddles and things to be solved. It's going to come out the first Monday of every month. You're also going to get another, in addition to that, another hour or so of bonus content that's going to be live streams, some amount of video, all kinds of fun behind the scenes stuff. We can't wait to tell you more and we'll See you at the movies! Let's all go to the lobby. Let's all go to the lobby.

Terror falls across the land. Hashtag Whittle Wednesday is close at hand as improvisers and workforce cats will terrify y'alls podcast apps. And whosoever shalt dare try to lampoon Erin's closet eyes must sit through Adal's puns and barbs as GPC steals their magic cards. The foulest noise is in the air, the groans of 40,000 listeners, as the solution to each riddle ask ends up being such fucking trash. For though the puzzies posed seem fine, the answers will be shitting. For no mere mortal shall resist the evil of these riddies. I'm very tired, play the theme.

The doctor was the mummy. He stood on a block of fat fat. All of them were small things.

It was a cabin in the woods. Is that even a bicycle? It works, and the horses sleep there. 1, 2, 3, 4, Riddle Riddle.

Hey you kids. Come here. Me mister? You kids want to see a dead stop?

It's Blood Riddle Riddle part 2. I got suckered into that. Happy Riddle Week. Happy Riddle Week. I'm Count Puzula. We're joined by David S. Puzzies. Forgot the best. And Spooky Sleepy Witch.

Ah yes.

David has fuzzies.

Oh boy. Even more relevant now than it was a year ago.

Somebody went back and listened to the episode. Well somebody didn't stop me.

I can't believe it's been a year.

It has been a whole year. If you just tuned in and you're looking for Hey Riddle Riddle, you're in the wrong place. They died 100 years ago. Hey Riddle Riddle burned down years ago. You're at Bleh Riddle Riddle, our second Halloween feature. Spooktacular. Yeah, spooktacular. That's everybody who's a spooktacular. That's like a Payless Shoes thing. If you're out there and you work at Payless Shoes, I'm so sorry. Are they still in existence? Well, no, I'm just sorry that you work at Payless Shoes.

There's got to be other shoe stores. They're okay. No, they can't be.

They're okay.

Do you guys remember Carnival Shoes or is that only in Indianapolis? I remember... Shoe Carnival. That's why I met Carnival Shoes.

Where did you guys get your circus dancing shoes? I'm sorry, sir. We only have these in a size 24.

Do you guys remember that Shoe Star clown shoes from growing up? Where your mom would take you to clown shoes and say it.

I think, JVZ, I think you're thinking of Carnival Cruise? We broke comedy. We finally did it.

This is already the scariest episode.

This is very scary. So we're going to do some thiddles and kiddles and fiddles and bits. Oh, can you introduce me again? Yes. Over here we have David S. Puzzies. Any puzzles? I forgot my catchphrase. Is it any riddles?

It was any riddles? Oh man.

Here we have David S. Puzzies.

We're all just living the same day over and over.

Puzzle pumpkins? Oh boy. Fuck that. It shouldn't be any puzzles. You should do a throwback even further with riddles. Making puzzles. Japes. JPC. The sea monster. Just playing JP Keif. Keeping it real. I'm just getting used to this.

We haven't recorded in a long time and my brain is slowly entering back into how this feels.

For good reason. We're going to start in just a little bit. Just keep hanging out. And just a little bit, we're going to get to a riddle that we promised we would give you the answer to last year. So we're going to get to that in just a minute before we do.

Oh yeah, well Adal, happy anniversary for the angriest I've ever been at you.

Oh, good.

It's been a full year since the angriest I've ever been when you didn't finish that riddle.

Because right before that episode I ran over your cat.

Yeah. And then you didn't finish that riddle.

There must have been times in the last year that we got angrier than that.

Nope. I've never been watching that at all.

Wow, okay. Interesting.

I was at an eight or a nine.

You did throughout the rest of that episode, you kept saying like, but seriously, give us the answer. Yeah. Oh, that's true. And then people on Twitter were posting the answer and everyone's like, we demand.

You kept running your finger across your neck too for the duration of this calendar year. You've been doing that in Adal's direction.

To be fair, Erin doesn't know how to check her pulse.

No, I don't. I'm very confused.

You've been running your finger across your neck saying, I want you to pay me like one of your French girls wearing this, wearing only this.

Pick me like one of your French girls at the guillotine.

If you listen to the episode after Halloween, which we don't recommend, but I think you'll still hear my anger in that episode, too. That's how angry I was. But it's been a year.

We made it. We made it. A few things I want to do before we get into it.

Well, also just so everyone knows the way that we record, not to peek too far behind the curtain, but every time we record, You got to keep this themed. Thank you. Every time we record, we record about three episodes per evening, but we don't do it like the next three that will be recorded. We do the next three years of Halloween episodes. So classically, we just finished recording last year's Halloween episode, and then we're about to record next year's Halloween episode.

It is October 32nd, 2018. I hope Trump doesn't become president.

I can't know what this means. It's 2018. Democracy for Hong Kong, maybe.

I hope Paul Rudd gets his own Netflix show. That guy's struggled.

He's struggled enough. I couldn't remember. Mariah and I started watching that Paul Rudd Netflix show and I couldn't remember who was in it. And I was like, do you want to watch that Jason Sudeikis show? And she goes, Jason Sudeikis? No. Well, to be fair, they're both from Kansas. That's true, yeah.

They are both from Kansas. Both Jayhawks.

All right, what are we getting into?

Sorry. John Ham, I believe, is from St. Louis. Dude, St. Louis is the same fucking thing. Sorry, Kansas City, St. Louis. Both Missouri. Both Missouri. We're going to get some tweets about that. Please don't. So before we do that, I just want to do a few quick, fun questions. Number one, what do you think are going to be the top Halloween costumes of 2019? Jesus.

I think Elsa is going to come right back around.

Elsa? Because Frozen 2, yeah.

So I think Elsa's going to come right back around. What other animated movies came out this year? That's really what we're going for.

So when we say top Halloween costumes, those are kids' costumes, we think, are going to be the top ones?

Well, they dress up more than adults, too, for Halloween.

I think there's going to be a ton of Pennywise. Or slutty Pennywise. Slutty Pennywise? Not even sexy, just straight to slutty.

I think the Stranger Things cast.

Oh, but in like 80s clothes.

Yeah, Woody and Buzz.

Woody and Buzz. Will people go as John Wick? John Wick with a dead dog. Drag a dead dog.

You and Spaghetti could go as John Wick. That would be fun.

Avengers.

Avengers, yeah. I mean, mine was going to literally be Sebastian Stan. I'm honestly considering right now it's in my cart buying an $80 Sebastian the crab costume that I would return immediately that just covering one of the arms and pin foil. So we'll see. We'll see if I do that.

The other questions I wanted to get to were... Wait, wait, wait, wait. What's the answer? Oh, I don't know. Halloween hasn't happened.

Oh, I wonder... It's October 32nd, 2018.

I don't know what's going to happen.

Can you Google it? Can you Google like top costumes bought from Amazon?

Top costumes bought from Amazon? Okay.

Top costumes. Top.

Top Halloween costumes. And I'm writing this down on a piece of paper. You're putting it into a little bottle and throwing it into the sea.

It's like Tom Riddle's diary. It like writes back at you, the answer.

All right, here we go. I have the top Halloween costumes of 2019. Okay. Number one, dragon queen women's costume.

Oh, yeah, Khaleesi.

Number two, Evie Descendants 3, Girls' Classic Costume. What is Evie Descendants?

Oh, Descendants is a movie that children like.

Oh, the Descendants with Dora Clooney and Emma Stone? Yeah, they love it. Great movie.

Emma Stone's not in that.

I'm sure she is. Sure she could be. Fine, whatever. It's set in Hawaii, and she was in a Hawaiian movie. I think I saw that in the theaters with my mom and my grandma sitting on either side of me, and they both cried.

Number three, Sexy Shazam. Sorry, I read that wrong. Child's Shazam. Number 4. Sussayum, really? Toy Story Women's Jessie Classic Costume. Number 5. Amelia Earhart Costume. She's back! Yeah.

I'm Amelia Earhart! Ask me what I'm going for for Halloween.

So it turns out, Amelia, worth it. Because now your name in history. What are we on, six? Godzilla, King of the Monsters. Number seven, Deluxe, Captain Marvel. How come they're all trademark except for the Game of Thrones one. They had to be vague about it. And the rest of them are all probably Disney properties. We also have Harry Potter's Luna Lovegood is very popular. Masha and the Bear. What is that? I don't know that.

I mean, I'm young, I know that. It's what kids like.

Hotel Transylvania plus-size Steampunk.

Wait, are you just reading my shopping list now? I tripped into Pornhub. My Google search history is just plus size deep puck.

The other things I wanted to get to, and we'll do this quickly since we're running behind here, how would you kill someone?

Oh, fun little Halloween.

Yeah. Me, I thought about it and I would say I would go like the poisonous creature route. So I put like a scorpion in someone's boot or something or like a stonefish in someone's boot.

What's a stonefish?

It's a spiny fish where if you step on it, it blends in with the ocean floor, and if you step on it, it has spines that go into your foot, inject you with poison, and you die. Is it really like deadly foot poison? Like it does... Oh wow. Well, when you say like that, I sound like an asshole, but it's real. Deadly foot poison?

I'd slowly poison someone like a woman in a book.

Poison a woman in a book?

No, I want to be like a woman in a book, and I want to like slowly poison my husband.

So is this like... And that's your new merch line, right? Yeah. Woman in a book?

Woman in a book! Sort of my brand.

Woman in a book.

Woman in a book.

That's your brand. I know. I know. It's serious.

What's the title of your book? What's the title of that book?

Woman in a book.

Woman in a book. By Erin Keif. Can we sing Woman in a Book to the tune of She's Got the Look?

Woman in a book. Woman in a book. You don't know this one? No I don't. Who is that? Who sings that?

Pretty woman in a book. Walkin' down the street. Pretty woman in a book.

My dreams get into my book.

Man I feel like a pretty woman in a book.

I don't know the answer, I don't know how, is the question for killing someone like the perfect crime, how would you get away with it?

Just how you personally, however, do you want to get away with it? Do you want to get caught? Do you want to strike fear into your enemy's hearts? It's specific to you.

So I'm trying to think of like, I would want like a really good, clever one-liner for however I got someone. It's so devastating that they just die.

Oh I got roasted so hard, my heart broke.

Those boots don't go with those capris, honey. Boots and capris. What does it start with? Oh, honey.

Oh, sweetie. Oh, sweetie. Oh, honey. No, but I'm trying to think like you drop a tree on someone and say like, don't forget to log your extra credit or something like that.

Are you killing one of your students?

I don't know. You and I die being a character in the Batman and Robin movie by Joel Schumacher.

Yeah, exactly. That's exactly what I want to do. But yeah, I want to have some sort of like a quippy punny way to kill someone.

I will say I think our vibe is... Villains.

Villains. Oh, for sure.

I think we would be all very, very good villains in different movies.

Yeah, better as a villain, really. Which reminds me, we still have to do a Patreon where we create villains because we created superheroes, now we have to create villains. We have to give them someone to fight.

I'm trying to think of the genre you would both be a good villain in.

What do you mean? No, so not like a superhero movie?

Not necessarily a superhero movie.

I feel like JPC would be rom-com villain. I could be a great rom-com villain. The bad boyfriend. Yeah, like the Russell Brand.

I was just thinking about the boyfriend that's like, I care about my job and going out with my boys, babe. I don't care about your art.

I feel like you'd be like a Wolf or Wall Street type of guy, right?

Yeah, I think so too. But who can't get it up? What Erin said about going out with my boys, Mariah and I were at Target like this weekend, I think, and yeah, this weekend, and she parked the car while I was like waiting so I didn't see where she parked and we came out of the store and I started like looking around for the car and she's like, you don't know where it is. I know where it is. And I was like, I wasn't looking for the car. I was looking to see if any of my fucking boys were

I think it would be a good like 1800s villain. Like a pride and prejudice woman, like a rich woman who's like, you just don't understand how to get a husband.

I think it'd be that good. I think Adal would be good as like the caretaker or groundskeeper of like the cabin or the hotel or whatever that people keep dying in. You kids don't want to go in there. It's a hotel for kids.

Yeah, I also think you'd be a good villain in like a cowboy.

Yeah, I dig that. The last thing I want to do before we get into it is, let's maybe create some new Halloween traditions. I think we are all, we recognize that we are tastemakers and trendsetters. This podcast is a watermark for... We're paste eaters. We're paste eaters and shit kickers.

I'm an influencer.

And you're an influencer on Instagram?

Yeah, this is what my skin routine is.

Or Ragu.

Don't drink water for a week.

Erin, you're an influencer.

That's the truest thing you've ever said. I feel really seen.

So maybe a new Halloween tradition that you want to send out. So much like jack-o'-lanterns or going door to door for candy or dressing up in costumes, what's a new tradition? I have one that I thought of on the walk over here, which is to have a shame pig. So every family has a shame pig. You buy a pig, you tress it, I guess, when you tie up its legs. Everybody takes turns whispering their sins into the pig's mouth. Of course. And then you kill the pig and eat it that night.

You're just talking about your birthday party.

Thank you guys again for that shame pig.

We love you.

I asked for a cake and you gave me a shame pig. I can't. Please. That's too nice.

It was a guinea pig.

But we shamed it. Okay, so shame pig, that feels like very like pagan, like, yeah, like creepy horror movie style, like paganistic ritual. That's a really good tradition. I think that my tradition would be to have a big outdoor bonfire, where you ceremoniously burn the... So far you're just describing burning, man. Ceremoniously burn the holiday institutions of previous in the year. So you burn the flag. You burn a tree. Burn a heart. Burn your loved one. You burn money for the President's Day. You burn a worker by just telling someone they're shitty at their job. Or a woman in labor. But yeah, you ceremoniously say goodbye to the previous holidays of the year in anticipation for the fall holidays. That's great. Love it. Erin?

Um, I think Halloween is typically one of the least romantic holidays. Okay. Maybe that in Flag Day. However, I think on Halloween, you should tell your crush that you like them.

Oh.

Because then you could just be like, that's me as my character. That's me as a zombie.

You should do it through a scream-style phone call.

Yeah. Oh, totally. Don't do it on Valentine's Day or New Year's Eve. That's a coward.

Hello, Melissa.

Call them when they're, yeah, tell them at a Halloween party. Tell your crush you like them at a Halloween party.

And I also want to just not to, you know, dive too far into this, but you ain't seen how I do flag day.

Ew.

Because as we all know, flag stands for fuck like a god.

Oh! He wasn't listening for the last two minutes of what I was saying. He was figuring that out in his head. Fuck like a god. I'm not mad about it though.

Oh, what up, fuck a god. So let's get into it. Yes.

Take photos of you doing those traditions, everybody.

Send them to us. Take a photo of you telling your crush that you like them. For two listeners who live in the country and own pigs, please make a little shame, pig.

Actually, if you could get a shot of the exact moment where you told a crush that you liked them, it would give you so much information as to how that crush responded.

Well, what's the generation after millennials?

Gen X, Gen Z. Gen Z, right? Gen Y? Gen X is before.

Yeah, Gen Z. Yeah. I feel like they do that constantly. They're filming everything.

Oh, that's true.

They're on their TikTok and they're like, this is me. This is my stand up. They're on their TikTok. They're on their TikTok and they go up to their crush and they're like, this is my crush and I'm going to tell them.

In my day, TikTok was a character on Return to Oz.

And if I get enough likes, I'll tell my crush I like them. That's what they're doing.

You know how you go to YouTube and if it's like the video has sensitive content, you have to put in your birth date to continue? I did that when I tried to sign up for TikTok and they said, too old.

Too old, yeah.

And I can't do it. They can't be honest. We left them a burning planet.

They're doing it. They're great. They're a great generation and we left them a horrible world. So they can film all, everything.

Film it all. Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the ugliest lady of them all? Ring a bell? Ring a bell, you two?

Oh, yeah. This is what we waited a year for.

Is this riddle like a hunchback? Does it ring a bell?

Nice.

Do another one. Is this riddle like... Is this riddle like Gaston when he is violent? Does it ring a bell?

It's getting too far. Get out of the Disney world, though.

Do more with Belle. Um, mirror mirror on the wall, who's the ugliest lady of them all? The answer, do you two have a guess? Who's the ugliest lady of them all? Mm-hmm.

Did I guess me last year?

Is it your mom? You guessed you several times. Is it your mom? It is not my mom.

Is it JPC's mom?

Not your mom, but your mom. It is not your mom. Okay.

The royal, your mom.

It's not Vicky, it's not Patty.

Introducing Mr. and Lady, your mom.

Um, I don't know.

The answer... One year in the making. 365 days later.

We need a drumroll. Add a drumroll.

Add a drumroll. Actually add the beginning to Asia's final comeback. Final comeback.

Drumroll?

Countdown to the comeback. Add a drumstick. Add a roll. We're impressed. We want some sides. The answer is any witch at all. Adal? Worth the wait.

Nobody say anything. Any witch. Let it hang.

You say it best when you say any witch at all. What's the question? Who's the ugliest lady of them all? It's any witch at all. At all? It should just be any witch, but they put in at all.

Oh, any witch. It sucks. Worth it? No. Okay. Wait.

No.

No.

Worth it. No. This would be less funny if this was a good riddle.

We would have cut this for time if this had made it under the shot. I wanna see a spleen.

A spleen?

I wanna see a spleen.

Was that something we said last year? I wanna hear a scream. Okay. I want you two to be witches and you both just heard this joke or this riddle and you're trying to like boost each other's confidence.

Okay. What? I mean, can... Okay, you look good.

Ah, no.

No.

No, no, I don't. I don't. What do you mean? Look at me. Look at me. Look at this. Look at this.

Okay. I'm doing a full spin. So your left side is not your good side. I'm garbage. And your right side is not your great side, but front on. Front on.

What about from behind?

I mean, okay. So it...

You're hurting my feelings even more. You're supposed to be building me back up. See, you're beautiful and I like- Please stop. Here are things I like about you. Your hands.

Okay, these are hardly even hands. These are all, I mean, they're more vain than hand at this place.

I like your hand. I like that you look like a broom. I like, I like that you're ugly in most light, but when it's dark, you're the most beautiful girl in school.

I love that about you. Why are you looking at me? You're looking at that broom and not me. Oh, I'm sorry. Look at me when you give me compliments.

Oh, okay. I like, well, then I don't like your hands.

Okay, hold on, stop. Should I keep carrying these buckets of water? Yes.

It's me, the broom.

Yes, I know. Fantasia, yes, right? What's that? Yes, you carried the buckets of water. Don't interrupt us to ask if you should continue to do a thing that we ordered you to do. You know what?

What if it's not necessarily my interest to be attractive? I don't care about that.

That's not who I am as a person. It's not important because your personality is a six. Oh, out of six. What's that?

Out of six? Sure. Why not? And your personality is a six.

Adal Rifai, Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan. Warts. Just generally raise awareness of warts. And then some more things are.

You're a witch, you know. Touch apples.

Do you know what wort stands for? Please, I don't know. Witches always regret talking smack. That's true, Broom.

That's true. And we do regret talking smack.

Make sure you don't slip with those buckets of water, because if they hit us, we'll melt. That's a witch thing.

That's a witch thing. Some witches, right? All witches is water?

I don't know. Wizard of Oz witches.

Not all witches again.

Cause maybe we would be more attractive if we could shower.

Alright, throw that water on us. Let's see what happens. Ready? Yeah, I melt it! I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see, I

They have a new house together? Are they a couple? Yeah, it's none of your business.

A nursery.

A zombie? We can't conceive.

I don't think they want kids.

All of my organs were taken out of my body when I was mummified.

A zombie and a mummy have a new house and it has all the rooms except for one. What room is it?

A man cave.

A barroom closet. A man tomb. It's not a broom closet. It's not an attic. What room don't they have?

A bathroom. A tomb. Tomb room. Can't just keep saying rooms.

Kitchen.

Okay. Will, we get it? It's living room. Den. It's, go back. A living room. A living room. Somebody want me to have a living room.

Or a mud room.

What is this show? But they also don't have a family room because they can't have a family. They can't start one.

On the first day of school, a young girl was found murdered. Police suspected four male teachers and questioned them. They were asked what they were doing at 8am. Mr. Walter said, I was driving to school and I was late. Mr. Thomas said I was checking English exam papers. Mr. Benjamin said I was reading the newspaper. Mr. Calvin said I was with my wife in the office. The police arrested the killer. How did the police find the murderer? Based on those testimonies.

Not testimonies.

It's got to be the one about the wife because the doctor was the mother, obviously. On the first day of school, a young girl was found murdered. Police suspect four male teachers in question though. They were asked what they were doing at a... Please suspect it for males. Mr. Walter was driving to school and was late. Mr. Thomas was checking English exam papers. Mr. Benjamin was reading the newspapers. Mr. Coven was with his wife in the office.

I know.

What is it?

It's the guy checking English exam papers because it's the first day of school. So why would there have been some English exam papers? Erin, Detective Erin on the case again.

I think it's the guy reading the newspaper because print media is dead. He was looking at WAPA on his phone tab.

Detective Erin is correct. It's Mr. Thomas, as he cannot be checking exam papers on the first day of school.

Please, Detective Erin is my father. You can call me Erin.

So your dad's name is Erin Keif? Detective Erin Keif?

Yes.

I want to see a scene. Sorry, I want to see her scream. I want to see her scream. I want to see her scream. Erin, you're at the first day of school, you're a student. JPC, you're a teacher who is not going to murder her, but you do give exams on the first day.

I really wanted you to say JPC, you're on the last day of school, you're a student, and you're moving back and forth in time like the last five years. I'm a teacher at the school, and I'm giving her her exam.

You're giving homework on the first day. On the first day. You're that type of personality. Associate path, if you will. Gotcha.

Alright everybody, thanks for a great first day. We'll see you back tomorrow. Erin, stick around.

Okay, I have to get off to the choir. Erin, stick around. Okay, I'm gonna be late for choir.

Sure, it's okay. I'll tell Mr. Marvin that you're gonna be late for choir, okay?

Okay.

Did someone need to tell me something?

Mr. Marvin is gonna be a little late for choir. Okay.

Did I do something wrong in class? I feel like how did I mess something up?

Erin, you're falling behind. What? You're falling behind.

You just went over the syllabus for the quarter today.

And your eyes glazed over like you were in Donutville. You're falling behind. I'm a teacher at this school. I do care about you and I do care about your future, so I'm going to give you some homework.

What's wrong with being from Donutville?

Look, the people from Donutville, they're fine people, but they don't have the resources to truly

Take it on down to Donutville.

I truly invest in their children's features.

I think you're a snob. I think you're being classed. I'm from Donutville and that doesn't mean I'm not smart.

Erin, I've been a teacher here for 12 years. I've seen Donutville kid after Donutville kid come to my class and you know where they all end up? They all end up working under that pet boys at Donutville. They all work in that pet boys and they're all selling auto parts. Now, do you want that to be your life or do you want to be A person who goes to college, who gets a career, and has a better future.

I think I can be whoever I want to be.

What does your mom and dad do?

Well, my mom's a donut. And my dad does a nice coffee. And they're very happy together.

Okay, so we have very different impressions of what Donutville is. And now looking at you, you do look a little bit different. You are a big cup of water with chunks floating in it. You're going to have to promote the sized coffee tote combo.

Yeah, and I'm going to be the best student you've ever had. I'm going to work harder than anyone's ever worked. You're going to work harder? No, if you'll excuse me, I have to go sing or whatever it is I do in choir.

Mr. Marvin, she's all yours.

Let's get started with choir, shall we?

Whatever you do, don't sip me.

In space, no one can hear you, Jim.

Here we go.

A famous man has plotted the deaths of well over 100 people, many of them who were royalty. Some survived, but many did not. The man is famous the world over 40 is done, yet he's never been tried by a court of law. George Bush.

I mean... Honestly, that works.

He rose to them.

Oh, Rasputin. It is not Rasputin. You know that song, the Rasputin song?

We don't.

It's just another one of those things where I'm gonna Google it and it's gonna be an Indigo Girls song that no one's ever heard of before.

You can't keep hitting the nail on the head with my personality time and time again in this episode.

Hold on, so is this person American? No. Is this person still living?

No.

Wow, okay.

So this is a dead person? It's a fictional person. No, he's real. Famous man who plotted the deaths of well over 100 people, many of whom were royalty, some survived, many did not. The man is famous the world over for what he's done, yet he's never been tried by a court of law. Plotted the death. Plot of the death of royalty. And here's what I'll ask you. Who are the man's most two famous victims and what is the man's name?

When it says plot of the death of royalty, is this like an economist who's like trying to devalue currency? Yeah, Freakonomics. Freakonomics, yeah.

Huh. Hmm. JBC, do you know?

Uh, no. I just asked a really stupid fucking question and I got shouted down into my face.

Rasputin actually works. How? He plotted that he wanted to help me.

Well, it said he's never been tried in court of law. Wasn't he famously like shot on the ground, had his penis cut off?

What do you think of court of law?

We're not talking about your birthday again, Adal.

Shoot him, drown him, whisper a pig's sake under his mouth, cut off his dick, and blow out the candles.

I named him the shame pig, Rashputin. So the man's most two famous victims were lovers.

Oh, it's Shakespeare. Shakespeare.

The man is William Shakespeare. His victims are Romeo and Juliet.

Okay. I want to see a scene. Adal, you're Shakespeare. JPC, you're Shakespeare's best friend. And you're like sort of getting a little tired of all his like depressing plays and you're like telling him to write something like sick, like awesome.

Prithi, I've stumbled upon the block of writers. I've had a short story of a man who enters a cave and upon entering it, his name is Caliban and there's some sort of stalagmite, hits him in the eye and he bleeds out of his dick and eyes.

Or Bill, can I be honest with you? Yes, my street urgent friends.

Frankie, speak the truth, shoot from the hip.

I'm sorry, it's sling errors from the hip. It's right, it's me, Frankie, speak the truth. Bill, Bill.

Your works are too high for looting. No, no, there's no flute. It's all guitar, drums, bass, a little bit of theremin.

You need to do something that's more relatable to the people. You've got to do something that people will engage with.

Does thou have any suggestions? What about... You're taking out a scroll.

Yeah, I'm just going to smoke a blunt real quick. Absolutely get into the creative energy. Roll the scroll, dribble the drill, smoke it up. All right, you got a light? Yep. You scrolled a joint too big.

You scrolled a joint too big.

You scrolled a joint too big.

This is good, I'm going to write this down. This might be my first of what you call comedies.

What about this? It is a play den, so it's a men, right? And he sees a dog, right? And the dog can talk. But the man can hear it, but no one else can hear it. But the dog's filthy, man. He's like a Ryan Reynolds type, you know? Like Detective Pikachu Deadpool or something along those lines. I know Ryan Reynolds. Yeah, sure. That's an excuse, man. Doubt us know Ryan Reynolds. At each is filthy. But the dog talk, and the man's got to react and respond even if no one else can hear it. Right? But here's a kicker, here's a shitter. You get a man to play the dog. So everybody who sees the play can understand the dog, but the people in the play don't understand the dog because it's a dog, but it's a man. Does that make sense? Not making sense. It really doesn't. No? It really doesn't. The people in the play see the dog, but the dog is played by a man. So everybody... Zip!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I unzipped my pants and you became a dog. I'm your penis.

It's me, Shakespeare's penis. I can't tell you how many thousands of dollars JPC spent learning improv.

If we change the title of the show to Shakespeare's penis was a dog, how many listeners will we gain?

Let's do this. We should definitely take a quick break to hear from some of our sponsors. So while we take a break, we're going to change the name of the show to if Shakespeare's penis was a dog, come back and see how many people we retain. All right. That's the ultimate test.

Spooky Shakespeare. We'll be right back. Whoo, y'all ready for our trip to Jupiter? Oh, yeah. I can't believe that they invented space travel. Elon Musk.

Insane. Yeah, I can't believe they invented space travel. But we're all going to finally go to Jupiter. Wait a second. What are you two doing with those shabby bags?

Adal, you have a... It's just my face.

I'm sorry. Under your eyes. Erin, I see that you have an old potato sack full of dolls' clothing. And Adal, I see that you... The same, but it's wet. Why aren't you guys using an amazing piece of Away luggage to travel to Jupiter?

Wait, tell me more about it.

Oh, you would like me to tell you more about it? Yes, please. Well, Away creates thoughtful products designed to change how you see the world, or how you see other worlds. They started with the perfect suitcase crafted with features that make travel more seamless, and now they offer a range of essentials that solve real travel problems. So all you have to think about is when your head is where you're headed next, because getting away It means getting more out of every trip that you take. Yeah, it looks really wet.

His dog clothes are wet.

It's getting wetter.

He's grumpy.

What I love about this is it comes with a 100-day trial that lets you try the away product on the road, in a plane, or on a spaceship. You can try it, and if you're not completely satisfied, money back, baby. But I am completely satisfied. The other thing is the TSA doesn't hassle me with this thing. I've seen so many other people get tripped up by the TSA. Excuse me, sir. Those aren't indigenous bananas. Excuse me, sir. You're carrying 150 laptop computers. With me in my way, I sent it right through the TSA and it goes right through to the other side.

I know this is crazy, but I'm looking for a bag that has a feature where I can have a removable laundry bag to separate dirty clothes from clean clothes.

Or like wet, dull clothes.

Yeah.

Well, you're lucky because the Away does have that feature. It has a removable laundry bag because it looks like what both of you have is dirty laundry bags that you're gonna bring on this spaceship.

Ah crap, my iPhone just died. Do you have an optional ejectable battery? Uh, no. I don't have that for you. For you, I don't have that.

But the Away suitcase does come with that. So you can get an optional battery that you can use to charge your phone!

What if any part of the suitcase breaks?

I don't know. I'm not a suitcase doctor. I do know that away knows. All you have to do is contact their friendly helpful supports team and they will either replace or give you a new one. Depending on how broken it is I guess and how you broke it.

I don't know what you get up to. I want one of these. Can I get some sort of, I don't know, insider discount?

Okay, just because you two know me and I am one of your best friends, I will give you a discount. So lean in close, lean in close.

Okay.

All you have to do is go to awaytravel.com slash riddle and use the promo code riddle and then you get $20 off your suitcase. Did you say 20 doll hairs? Oh man. For my doll clothes? Doll clothes. It's awaytravel.com slash riddle and use promo code riddle at checkout.

And if I want to see one in person, I can go to New York, Austin, LA, San Francisco, Boston, Chicago, or London, and I can see them in person.

Yes, there is a man there who has one in all of those cities. He's holding it above his head and his arms are so tired.

And you have one, JBC, and you love it.

Yes, and no one can touch mine. Don't even look at it.

I'm looking at it.

But I'm a suitcase doctor. But doctor, I am a suitcase doctor. So go get in a way suitcase and have the time of your life. Wet doll clothes. Away.

And we are back. Erin, how you doing?

Spooked.

Yeah, me too. When we took a little break, I saw a black cat. Oh, that was a... Okay. I'm sorry. I thought it was a black cat. It's okay. It shot me. Which makes me think it was a cat. Anyway, I got real spooked.

Just like Sabrina. Never remember Sabrina had that gun. Sabrina's a teenage. Let's get into another riddle here. A man goes out drinking every night and doesn't come home until the wee hours of the morning. Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee!

Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee!

Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee!

Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee

Who's significant other loves it when you make that joke? No matter how much he drinks the night before, the man never has a hangover. What? A man goes out drinking every night and doesn't come home until the wee hours of the morning. No matter how much he drinks the night before, the man never has a hangover.

Because he's not drinking alcohol.

What is he drinking? Who is the man? His own piss.

Um, he's a vampire. He's drinking blood.

He's one of these Dracula types. One of these true bloods. That is correct. The man is an umpire who lives in Transylvania and drinks blood.

I want to see a scene.

I want to see a scene.

You are two vampires and you're both, you're not, you're getting drunk at a bar off alcohol for the first time. So it's like two hours into drinking and you're just checking in with each other.

It's great to finally be 21. This is insane. I mean, it's so good.

Tell me, tell me.

And it's so good the bartender poured the liquid, hit the glass at an angle, and swarmed and pulled the bottom. He took a look like a knife and scraped the foam off the top, just like in the commercials. Oh, what are you drinking?

I'm drinking, and I know we're in a werewolf bar, but I'm drinking a blue moo. And just like in the commercials, they serve the blue moon and then take a little slice of orange and put it on the edge of the glass.

So the seasonal fruitiness mixes with the fruitiness of the beer that combines in the flavors of the nights.

Last call, gentlemen.

Last call with Carson Daly. Please put it on. Please, we love to watch.

Sure, it's in the wee hours of the morning, so I will put that on.

But also, do you want one more drink before... Yes, I will take... Look at me. Look at me. I'm looking at you. I want a batty ice.

Okay.

Oh, okay. Uh, sure.

But make it just like in the commercials. Yes, and I'll have a Miller die life.

Do you mean like a Miller high life? Well, no, come on. What's your name?

I need you to say the technical name for it, so I'm telling you.

But he got away with his... Shh, shh, shh. What?

Come on. Don't throw me under the casket just because you fucked up.

I'm gonna get you guys two white wines.

Oh, come on, white wine! At least make it red because then it looks like a blooood.

I knew we were going to a werewolf bar.

Yeah, it's too nice a shell in Denmark.

Shit!

Oh boy. Oh boy.

I'm having a lot of fun. I miss you guys.

I'm having a lot of fun. I miss you guys. It's been a while.

I've been seeing you in so long. You also, I did World News Without You 2 last night.

We were there. You just told us to sit out. Oh yeah. Good point. She did World News Without You 2 for the first time. Bana was not the president.

There was a lot of really sweet Hey Riddle Riddle fans, especially at the 8. And I said, I'm sorry that they're not here.

That's funny because they can all eat my ass. Jesus.

The past tense. They can all, they can all eat my ass.

I met a really sweet couple and one of them works at Netflix and one of them is in a, it does like medical robotics, something robotics, or whatever job she said she had impressed the fuck out of me. Wow.

From Chicago or?

They're from the Bay area and they were visiting Chicago. Which Bay? Old Bay. Old Bay, they're from Old Bay. But they were so nice, and also I met a lot of other nice people, but shout out to them. I won't say their names just in case.

Just in case they die? Just in case.

Just in case they die later that night. It's my fault. We're going to do one more sort of regular riddle here, and then I have a few special things planned. Okay. That sound fun? No. This is a sort of dark story. This is a box of dark riddles. It's all fucked up stories that we got from a fan. So I'm going to just tell you the situation. Do you remember in one of the live shows, maybe our first live show, there's a thing where like grandma was rolled up in a carpet on top of the car.

Oh yeah.

That was one of these. So it's just going to be a brief snippet of a story and we have to sort of extrapolate and figure out what's going on. Got it. This is called Spoon the Spoon. With great joy, a family ate their grandmother by the spoonful. Apparently, these are all grandma-based. With great joy, a family ate their grandmother by the spoonful. So you have to tell me what's going on.

That's the whole thing that we get?

That's the whole thing. You got the whole thing.

Okay, they're from Donutville. And their grandma is a donut. She's a pumpkin donut.

Isn't there a song that's like something-ville, like... Berryville? Is that a thing? I don't know that song.

I think you're thinking of Margaritaville.

Salt is on the thing.

Salt is on the thing.

No, it's a Ben Folds song, but it's not a Ben Folds original. It doesn't matter. But I think, anyway, every time you said Donutville... Oh, Rock in the Suburbs. It's Rock in the Suburbs. Thank you.

It's in the, in Effington, in the, in the Effington place, in Ben Folds.

But look at what they wear and the way they cut their hair.

You know what I hate doing? I hate playing poker with Ben. Do it! Do it! I want to see it scream. He's Ben Folds.

Yeah! I hope he listens to the show. Do you think Ben Folds listens to the show?

He's like, for sure. Sixty-some episodes, he's like, I don't want to write him an email, and then he's like, they finally mentioned me.

Here's my impression of Ben Folds getting a hand in black check. Fives? Fold.

Ben Folds five. Reinhold Meiser.

Love it.

How about back to this riddle? No! They ate their grandma with the spoon. Was grandma their nickname for their own ass?

Was she in ashes and she was baked into something?

She was in ashes. But was it like her last request to be eaten by her family? Are they wolves? Are these people? These are people. Is it a cultural thing?

No. She's ashes. No, it is ashes. Were they tricked? I think they made a wrong assumption.

Got it. So she said, sprinkle my ashes, so they turned her ashes into sprinkles. And then they put them all over her ice cream.

This is Amelia Bedelia.

Did she say Jimmy my ashes? Jimmy. Jimmy Eats World. That's like an old timey, like, Jimmy my ashes. That's like you tried that first. I think you're not supposed to say Jimmy's ashes. Really? It does have a negative connotation, but it's not from that. Oh, really? Good to know. They talked about that on the Doughboys, actually. I will stop saying that.

And that's your favorite podcast about two guys who reviewed Deers, right? Here we go. Here's the answer. I want to see a scene. This is going to be the triumphant return of J.P. Riddles. J.P. Riddles, you're going to be telling a story about a time where you accidentally ate a relative. Okay. And this is to your, I think we've established Erin and I are your niece and nephew. I don't think so.

Or neighborhood kids, whatever. Please.

Or just pigments of your imagination. Yeah, have you guys seen the Joker movie? You're just spots in the corner.

It could be fucking whatever.

We're spots in the corner of your eye.

J.P. Riddles, J.P. Riddles, tell us a story. Tell us a story. Come on please. One of your swan lumps. Please, JP Riddles, please.

I don't feel up to telling the swan lumps today. Maybe come back tomorrow.

Get out of the bath and tell us a story.

Yeah, take that snake out of your penis hole.

First of all, this isn't a snake. It's a rake. I'm not in a bath. It's a calf. I'm putting a snake rake calf into my- it doesn't matter. It's a medical procedure.

Did you steal my Dr. Seuss books? What's that? Did you steal my Dr. Seuss books?

I stole some of Dr. Pepper's. I definitely drank those and they were diet caffeine free. Why even buy the Dr. Pepper at that point? All right, what do you kids want to do?

A story! Also, can you take us out to ice cream?

Yeah, take us to Cold Stone. Cold Stone?

Even better, take us trick-or-treating. J.P. Riddles, tell us a story and take us trick-or-treating.

Okay, well, we'll do a little column A, a little column B. I'll tell you a story and on the way we're going to go to an ice cream shop and we're going to try trick-or-treating at the ice cream shop and see if we can get maybe 40, 50 free samples enough that we can formulate our own scoops back at the table. And GP Riddles has a special way of making ice cream scoops. They take the little napkins that they give them, I roll them up like they do their cones, and then I put the ice cream samples inside the napkin. Then I put it in my pocket, forget about it, fall asleep, and wake up with a bunch of beavers covering my body, trying to get at that little ice cream. But that was by playing the whole along. I grabbed those beavers by their necks, strangled them dead, and boy oh boy, now I got beaver suits, beaver hats. G.B. Riddles is living large! Sex, Fifth Avenue, on all those beaver parts. Now, you kids wanted to hear a story, is that right?

Yeah, please tell us a story.

Alright, this one is Swan, lumps number 61. This is the old man in his trip to Ben & Jerry's. Well, the old man was very crunchity and crackity, and because he was... What's crunchity and crackity? Don't worry about that. He was all hopped up on crack and a bunch of crunch. It's a little combo of the two that he made and he snorts himself. Anyway, he snorted up a bunch of movie candy and crackled cocaine, and he walked into what he imagined was a Basket Roberts, but what it actually was was a bike store.

What's the difference between Baskin-Robbins and Ben and Jerry's?

Mm-hmm. 42 flavors. So anyway, he's at this bike store and he's ripping petals off the wall and he's screaming at the man. And he says, you're covered in beaver bites, you old fool. You better get out of this bike store. And he takes a fixie bike and he says, I'll take one with all the fixins. The bike owner tosses him out on his ass and he's out in the parking lot doing a Bump a baby meth, which is when you take some meth and mix it with a Baby Ruth candy bar. It's not meth for babies, which babies should not do.

Uh-huh. The other day when you said you found a Baby Ruth in the pool, that was just a piece of shit.

J.P.C. and J.P. Riddle shouldn't have been in that pool. Who's J.P.C.? J.P.C. is what he calls a pool. Because the water's so crystal blue.

G.P. Riddles, you bought, went to the movies last week? Sure. You bought so much movie candy? What other drug movie candy combinations did you make with all that movie candy?

I'm glad you asked! Let's see, there's nachos weed in there! Popcorn PCP!

J.P. Riddles, why are your eyes completely white? What's that? Why are your eyes completely white? Because I can see the truth!

Because I know all about Obama's wars. I know what's going on. I know what's going on.

What did you do with the Twizzlers that we bought at the movies? What drawings did you put in the Twizzlers?

Twizzlers? I actually have a special use for Twizzlers. I like to use those Twizzlers as straw. How do you know what horse piss sounds like? I meant what it tastes like but I think I'm catching your crazy.

JP Riddles, we're scared to ask this, but is it true you accidentally ate one of your family members? We're too scared to ask. My brother's gonna ask the question.

Did you eat one of your family members? We didn't hear any rumors, we just saw your tattoo. Oh yeah. It's a picture of you eating someone and there's an arrow that says family.

Well, this is actually half a tattoo and half a gopher bite that came along to make it look like a tattoo.

It has a kid from Family Circus.

Yeah, and he's paying on a Chevy logo. Sorry, circus shoes. Circus shoes. Thank you so much.

Best buy, turn on the phone.

Now, old J.P. Riddles did indeed, uh, unfortunately, eat a member of his family. But when I say a member, I do mean a penis, and when I say a family, he did eat his brother's penis.

Did you know William Shakespeare's penis was a dog? Shaggy dog.

Hound dog! It wasn't me. Anyway, uh, we're here at the Ben and Jerry's... Take or treat, J.P.

Riddles. Do you have any candy? Candy that doesn't have drugs in it?

Why would you want that?

Because I like candy. Do you have any sour skittles or gummy bears?

Listen, if you like candy, you're going to love candy laced with drugs. It's some of the best stuff! Now, okay, here's the plan. We're here at the Basket Robins, or it looks like it's actually a bike shop of some sort, but I'm going to shove you kids into the door. You're going to start screaming and tearing things off, and J.P. Riddle is going to sneak in while you're making a mess, and I'm going to go to the cash register, and I'm going to plead with that thing to open up, please. And if I do get it to open up, I'm going to take the cash out of that cash register, and we're going to go live like kings. We're going to go to the Aldi and get Chef Boyardee, and we're going to eat to our hearts content tonight. How does that sound to you kids?

We're busy.

Not your weed.

Not your weed. What type of weed is not your weed? Weed that isn't yours. I created some, so Halloween, if you are going out tonight and there's, or tomorrow I guess, is there some sort of costume party you want to go to? You need to throw together a last-minute costume. I've created some pun costumes. This is some sort of combination of two things.

These are like Adal costumes.

Yeah, so we talked about how previously in my life I was Abraham LinkedIn as a costume. I was also Batmanalo, which is a combination Batman and Barry Manilow. So I'm going to ask you, I'm going to give you the hint for those, and you're going to tell me what the costume is. Cool? Got it. So for example, I might say a burned janitor haunting dreams and pursuing younger men. That would be... A burned janitor haunting dreams, which is Freddy Krueger.

Cougar. Cougar. Freddy Cougar.

Freddy Cougar. How about a... Melonkamp. The next one is... Oh no! The next one is a burned janitor who wrote a little ditty about Jack and Diana. Which is... Freddy Cougar. Freddy Cougar, Melonkamp. Thank you so much. How about a burned janitor who moonlights as the lead singer for Canada's best band? Uh, Rush? Jesus. Think along the lines of what we were just doing. Celine Dion? A burned janitor who moonlights as the lead singer for Canada's Best Band. Canada's Best Band is... Justin Bieber? Nickelback. Nickelback? Are they really? Lead singer's name? Chad Krueger.

Freddy Krueger. Freddy Krueger.

Freddy Krueger.

Here we go. An important vampire who invented jazz and dresses like Ryan Gosling.

Oh boy, an important vampire. An important vampire is Dracula.

Draculaland. An important vampire who's trying to extract gas or oil from the earth instead of blood. To be fair, I wrote 100 of these and I took the 10 worst.

Alright, so Erin, I want to see a scene. Adal and I have already played vampires, so you are going to play Fracula. Adal and I are natural gas miners and we've been warned about you and you're showing up on site. Oh my god.

This is her. We get for working on Halloween. We shouldn't have worked on Halloween now.

Boo, boo, boo! What kind of work are you up to?

Oh, you're a bit goofy, aren't you?

No, I'm scary.

No, you're fucking bonkers. Look at this. This vampire's got overalls on. And googly eyes. Overalls over a dress.

No, you're scared of me. I could suck your blood.

Now wait a second, we've been told that you weren't gonna suck our blood, that you were only interested in sucking this natural gas out of the earth.

Yes, I want, I don't care, but the environment, I want to get all of it. How come you have glasses on? I, some vampires, don't see as well as all the vampires.

Are you not necessarily a vampire? It's just a general person thing. Are you eating taffy?

I was supposed to have the higher status in this interaction because I am a monster.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Oh no, oh no. The monster. Attack on us in the wee hours.

You should be more scared to be. Ready? One, two, three.

You should grab my nipple. It's just, I'm sorry, it's just that you somehow shit the front of your pants. It doesn't make sense.

Let's not shit.

Oh. Oh. Oil? Oil?

Yeah.

Okay. That's kind of on topic, I guess, a little bit. Well take what you will. Yeah, take what you will if you have to suck the frack out of here. I've never seen someone down a Crystal Pepsi so fast.

I can't do that voice.

I don't like it. During a full moon, they try and keep kids off drugs. During a full moon, they try and keep kids off drugs. Who tries to keep kids off drugs? Dare Wolf. During the full moon, she turns back time.

Cher Wolf. Dibs.

He's a guardian statue on a gothic building but can also perform a bris. Don't forget every two to three thousand brisses, don't forget to change your moi. This is an Arkham clown who loves eggs.

Arkham clown who loves eggs. It's an Arkham clown who loves eggs. So it's a Joker who loves eggs?

It's the Joker. How about an Arkham clown who knows how to act in 2019?

The Woker.

An Arkham clown who's also a super saiyan? Vegeta. I would accept Goku or Joku. This is an Arkham clown who's a blast at parties but speaks a mile a minute through a bleeding nose. The Coker. How about an Arkham clown who inhales everything his pink little alien stomach desires? Joe Kirby. Here's the next one. Joker's female sidekick who believes the most important thing is family. Okay, okay. Joker's female sidekick, who believes the most important thing is family. So it's Vin Diesel, Harley Quinn Diesel? Harley Quinn Diesel. Harley Quinn Diesel. Holy shit! This is a conservative media pundit who died to become a violent ghost. It's an Ann Coultergeist. Rush Limbaugh. The male lead of... That's pretty good.

Nice, I like that.

The male lead of Grease gets stuck in an 80s video game.

Danny.

The name of the actor, the male lead of Grease, who gets stuck in an 80s video game. That would be Tron Travolta. An amphibious menace who has an off-Broadway run using trash cans and brooms.

Who's the amphibious menace though? Swamp Thing.

Stomp Thing.

Stomp Thing. You make my stomps sing.

The worst German, but with a blowhole and eating fish.

Hitler Willy?

Adolph and Hitler. This woman is looking for brains even in her 60s.

Hold on! Hold on! What just happened? And why didn't we? Why wasn't that the biggest death stop that's... This woman is looking for brains even into her sixties with her three gal pals.

Looking for brains? Even into her sixties.

Eat, Pray, Love. Eat, Pray, Brains.

It would be Zombie Arthur.

Oh.

Frank and Jill Stein. He does it all for the Nookie, even though he was buried years ago. Limp. Limp Biscuit. Limp Biscuit, right? That would be Dead Durst. Dead Durst. God damn it. An ancient Egyptian monster joins Canada's second best band? That's Rush. We don't know any. This would be Summee 41.

Oh. Wow.

In a Pittsburgh mall, everything goes to shit, and those alive must no scope some fucking noobs.

What?

I don't know any of the words. Fortnite. Mm-hmm. Pittsburgh Mall. Pittsburgh Mall. Pittsburgh Mall. I don't fucking know. Oh, I know much. I think I'm right. What would this be from?

Is this like a- This is a famous movie. It didn't invent, but it kickstarted a sort of genre. And it's Fortnite?

Is it the one, the guy Jason something is in it?

No. No. Is this- This is Fortnite of the Living Dead. Fortnite of the Living Dead. Fuck. And I have a few couples costumes. You're right. That is a few couples costumes. Oh, love it. The most famous plumber in the world and his creepy board game brother. He's creepy. All right, so Mario Batali?

The board game brother.

That would be Mario and a Ouija. Mario and a Ouija, okay. A swamp ogre and his cartoon grandson.

Shrek.

Shrek.

Okay, cartoon grandson.

A swamp ogre and his cartoon grandson. That would be Shrek and Morty.

Shrek and Morty.

Fun!

A scientist grandpa and his grandson who shall not be named. Rick and mordevort.

Rick and Voldemort.

Rick and Voldemorty. That was kind of fun, right? Rick and Voldemort. That was so fun. I also wanted to, before we run out of time, I have to speak to, we make fun of the Monster Mash, of course, right? We talked about it in one of our live shows that was Lost, but Monster Mash is one of our favorite things to put fun at. There is, if you've never heard this, I found this out a few years ago. There's a song called Monster Rap by Boris Pickett, the same guy who did Monster Mash. The same guy? Same guy, came out in 1984, and it is, please look this up on Spotify. I put it in the Patreon playlist for our Patreon subscribers. It is one of the worst songs you'll ever hear, but it's so good.

So this is... 84, right? 84. When was Monster Mash?

Monster Mash, I believe, was the 70s, maybe late 70s, 78 or something. But in this, he creates a monster to rap. And I wanted to, much like we did with Freddy's, the 1-2 Freddy's coming for you last year, I want to have you guys try and guess the Frankenstein's rap in this. Have you ever heard this, Erin? I may have heard this. So the chorus is, shock the body, shock the body body, which is amazing. So that'll get stuck in your head. Also, right before the monster raps, the Boris Pickett, who plays, I think, all the parts, he says, I've given you a voice. Now rap for daddy, which is going to be my first tattoo. Here we go. That's a rap for daddy.

I'm ready.

Well, they shot a million volts into my brain. Now I'm ready to rap.

And go insane.

Okay. Well, they shot a million volts into my brain. Now I'm ready to rap. Like a runaway train. Really? Mm-hmm. Next one, if you get in my way... I feel insane was for sure that... If you get in my way, we're bound to clash. Because I'm the same dude... Who ate Frankenstein's ass.

Who loves the movie Whiplash?

Because I'm the same dude that did the Monster Mash.

Oh yeah, that makes sense.

I got bolts on my neck, a flat top head, I'm eight feet tall, and... I'm dead, dead, dead. I'm back from the dead. You see, I can break wrappers down to tears because I've been a monster rapping for...

Fire years!

For a hundred years. You see North, East, West, and South. I'm the cat they call... Dirty Mouth. Hey, that was Smash Mouth. Monster Mouth. Monster Mouth. And the last one, which is my favorite. I said Rap Bap, another Zap.

I said Rap Bap!

And the whole time... This is right when like Blondie started rapping, where like Blondie was like, I don't know, I'll rap. And then people were like, yes, rapping is good. And they're like, anyone can rap.

Say it. Say it again. The beginning.

I said, rap, bap, another zap. What line do we think follows that? I said, rap, another zap. I said, rap, another zap.

I said, rap, another zap.

Skippity doo, and a skippity zap. The line after that is, can't stop the rapping now. So they break from the rhyme scheme. And he ends with, can't stop the rapping? Correct. Great. So that is the monster rap, so please check that out on Spotify. Please don't. Now rap for daddy. No, don't rap for daddy, please. And I have, should we do plugs or one more? Let's do one more. We'll do one more. Okay, here we go. This is going to be a nice quick one. What is wicked, homeless, white, and goes up and down? Wicked, homeless. It's got to be from Boston. Wicked, homeless, white, and goes up and down. Wicked, homeless, white, and goes up and down.

A delusional person auditioning for Wicked.

That's fantastic. Santa Claus. That's pretty good. You think Santa Claus is homeless. He can make anything out of his bag, but he can't. He's not what he's going to do. Live with the elves in the workshop? No. He's definitely not going to go live with Mrs. Claus. Wicked, homeless, white, and goes up and down. You want to know the answer? You give up? Yeah, I give up. You two will find out with the listeners. No, don't do this. And a little thing I like to call 2020.

Well hey Erin, it's actually not so bad because we're about to record that episode. We're doing them three in a row. That sucks! Pretty fun, huh? Yeah, that is fun. Hey, you talked about making Halloween traditions, and we just made one.

We remember all the times we Hitler Willy.

Hitler Willy. James, anything you want to plug?

Yes, there is one thing that I would love to plug. I did a friend's podcast called Talk and Shop. It comes out on the 29th. It's an improv podcast that my friends James Dugan and Rob Grabowski host.

Listen to that before.

It's so good. It's fun. They talk about the improv community. If you're into improv, if you want to learn more about the child community or you want some advice, we talk a little bit about advice for beginning improvisers as well. Go listen to the Talk and Shop podcast, which is a ton of fun to do. Very nice. Erin?

Um, I would love if you followed me, Erin Keif 10 on Instagram or follow welcome back series on Instagram or type welcome back, Erin Keif into YouTube or go to my Twitter, Erin Keif 2, um, because my web series is now out and it's really fun. And I think a lot of really funny Chicago improvisers are in it and I'm really proud of it and I really think you'll like it. So go check it out.

It's phenomenal. I was going to tweet something out that I thought maybe was too mean, so I didn't, but I wanted to retweet, not tag you at all, just retweet your web series and say, check out this fun thing that a woman and her friend did.

Oh my god, I love it so much. That's so funny. Yeah, a lot of your very close friends were in it.

Adal? A few quick things I want to plug. One is a podcast by a friend of ours, Liz Anderson. Paired podcast is really, really enjoyable. Nice for like a short walk or something. Just a fantastic show. Please check out Paired. Also, I started listening or started watching Peaky Binders. Holy shit, that's so good. Nobody told me. It's very good.

Nobody told me. Casey Tony at its paired as well.

Peaky Blinders? Yeah, Casey Tony. How silly and Murphy. Really slumming it with our podcast. Also, we just recently got a, I mentioned Algash White, the beer on, I think our Patreon, it's one of my favorite beers, and the two gentlemen, Tim and Keith from Algash, sent us a ton of swag. We got hats, we got shirts. I love them. It's the most amazing, I mean, that must have set them back. They probably can't make rent this month.

Yeah, they're probably homeless at Santa Claus.

And I can't stress this enough. If you have stuff you can send us for free. Holy shit, send us that stuff. There's nothing I love more than free stuff.

Especially if it's a company you work for. I want a bunch of random companies.

If you have swag to send us, contact us at hrrpodcast at gmo.com or tweet us using the hashtag bombsoverbagswag. And I want free stuff. We love free stuff. I cannot trust this enough.

Keif and Keith wrote me the sweetest card too. They didn't sign it up.

Please stop sending me your hair and your poop. I do not want it. I have enough. I can build what I was building. Stop sinning.

And thank you for everyone who applied. But seriously, we do one for stuff, so please give us that. Also, we have new Patreon tiers. We have an $8 tier with review crew episodes, live streams, behind the scenes content. We also have a new newsletter going on. We also have a $1 tier, so you're going to want to check that out. Go to patreon.com. If you're already subscribed, we still have our $5 tier. You can bump it up to $8. You can join us for the first time. You can dip your toes in the water with that $1 Patreon service, right? That tier? That's what? The cost of like one Happy Meal a year? One hundred Happy Meals a year. One hundred. I'm so sorry. That is very expensive. So check that out. And I think that is it for us. Erin, what's the spookiest planet? Hey Riddle. Hey Riddle.

Hey Riddle. Hey Riddle.

That was a head gum podcast.