Which Riddle Riddle?

The doctor was the mother.

He stood on a block of ice, saying, Oh, then we're going to finish.

It was the cabin of an airplane. He stabbed him with the knife away. And the horses came rising.

Cut my life into riddies. This is my last puzzle. This is a Riddle Riddle. I'm Adal Rifai. I'm Adal Riddle Rifai. We all looked at you like he didn't say his name. I'm Riddle Rifai. He didn't finish the sacred packs that keeps us here. Cut my wife into pieces. Oh no, I killed my wife. This is my Borat joke. I'm JPC.

And I'm Erin on a block of ice, Keif. Both of them are goldfish, Keif.

I'm Russian. My name is Anna Blockovice. Doesn't that sound like a Bond villain?

It really does.

Mr. Bond, my name is Anna Blockovice.

A pleasure to make your acquaintance.

My name is Anna Kornakova. If you say Kornakaba.

If you say comrade in a Russian accent, it sounds like a comrade. Real quick, what? Comrade? This is my cum rag.

Do it again. Mom, get out of my room. You washed my cum rag. I didn't meet you with my cum rag in here.

What?

How is everyone doing?

Obviously great. I was doing good. Previously I was doing good. Superman's doing good. You're doing well. That's right. I'm sorry. Thank you. I'm sorry. Thank you. Japes, do you want to do your warmup you were doing earlier? Are you doing like a verbal warmup? You don't want to do it? I'm all good. I have what I want to do. Oh, please. I wrote this on the way to the studio here. Ready? Yeah. And you all can say this after me.

Sure.

I quit the show. I quit the show. Talk to my lawyer. While in Iran, I ate Zatarans in a catamaran with Rick Moranis.

While in Iran, I ate catamarans in Zatarans with Rick's anus. Nailed it.

In Zatarans, I ate Zatarans with Rick Moranis.

And this is the show. If you're a new listener, this is what we do. It's just a fucking man house.

If Rick Moranis married David Boreanaz, their kids would be adopted. Adorable.

That's fun.

Just fun.

It's just fun. We're just having fun.

Want to know a fun thing I did today?

Yes. In the car with Sean.

You know the Dave Massey song that everyone knows? Is that ants go marching? No, that's a different song. What's ants go marching? That one.

We played a game where you had to do the part of the song that's like,

You have to do an impression of Dave Matthews but you're not allowed to use the words that he uses in that song.

So this sounds like my Swedish chef game.

Yeah, it's a lot like that, but you have to, they're supposed to be, they're supposed to be real words that you use.

So you have to, you have to say, you have to sing that melody, but you have to also use real worlds.

Yeah, but it also has to sound like Dave Matthews still. It has to still, like, almost like it's passing for that song.

Ah, okay. Erin, do you have an example, Erin?

Well, we kept going. Do you want me to give you a category and then you can do it? Alright, JPC, your category is... Do you want to name one or a noun?

Just give me a noun. Sea creatures.

Milk their seahorse, grab it by the penis, or the seahorse genitalia, you don't know till you try.

Is that a real lyric you don't know to try?

I don't think so. But that's the melody, right? Adal, your topic is the weather.

The category is weather.

Cloudy with a chance of rain or meme balls or locusts.

Stay inside. Erin, my new nickname for you is Nicholas Cage because you're a goddamn national treasure.

Because you're a copula.

Be a Coppola. Your new nickname is Nicholas Gage because you're an adaptation.

Have you ever seen that movie with him and John Travolta? It's the hottest face-off is the hottest piece of garbage I've ever seen in my life. What? Are you kidding me? It's good. Shut up.

He licks a child's face at the beginning of that movie.

John Travolta the whole time goes like this to his faces.

Face waterfall.

Yeah, face waterfall. Do not call it. No, you cannot.

Go watch the opening scene of that movie. Nicholas Cage grabs a choir singer's face, she looks like she's maybe 15 years old, and licks her face. And he could not have been allowed to do that. As soon as they did cut, they were like, let's get her $10,000. Let's get her $10,000 right now.

You were a day player and now you are a lawsuit, so I do want to see a quick scene in that I promise listeners, I promise right after the scene we'll start the riddles. Famously, that movie is directed by Wes Anderson. The movie's directed by John Woo and his signature is White Doves. Erin, you're going to be playing, actually I'm going to be John Woo, the director. JPC, you're going to be John, I was trying to think of something for JPC, John probably Travolta, JPT. And Erin, you're going to be an extra who has a bit of a run-in with John. Cool. Great, so this next scene, John, you're going to take your own face off, and then you're going to go into this restaurant and order from this waitress. Here we go, and action. Excuse me, miss. Oh, I'm sorry, Woody Allen, you need to get offset. Woody, you need to get offset. Okay, Mr. Travolta, there you are, sorry. Okay, and action. Sandy? Hold on, Sandy?

Whoa. And action. Hey, it's me, John Travolta.

Should I say my name? Cut real quick. Okay. Honestly, John, you're perfect. The lines, we can work, make those work. Waitress, what's your real name?

Sandy.

Great.

Sandy?

So you're a waitress who just memorizes the order. Get out your fucking pad. You have a pad, right? Great. Here we go. Action.

My fucking pad? Or my pad?

You want to see my fucking pad?

This is all good. Keep going.

Okay. Even with you saying this is all okay.

What can I get ya? An egg?

An egg please? And how would you like that prepared? Pizza?

Hello producers. We have a problem on set.

Yes, this is Mel Brooks.

John Travolta's voice box is melting.

We're in the middle of a performance of the producers.

See?

See? Let's get into some riddles. That is of course the loose loose premise of this show.

The reason we're all here is to do riddles until God lets us into heaven or the devil takes us into hell.

The reason for the season, pumpkin spice riddles. This is purgatory. Ooh, let's do a pumpkin spice riddle. Oh my god. We're so that feeble. Okay, we're gonna get into the riddles. The first one we're gonna do is the one warm-up you get. Okay. And I want this to just set the tone for the rest of the episode.

Okay.

In which state would you find yourself? Just call me an answering machine because I'm about to set the tone.

Just call me a C note at the beginning of choir practice because I'm about to set the tone.

Okay, well just call me Whoopi Goldberg because my sister can act. Shout out to Sadia, a working actress in Chicago.

What just happened?

If you have that, you're about to get ready to go. That was not in my bucket. Oh, sure.

She's so smart.

You said earlier, lick a choir girl, and for whatever reason, the first thing on my head was for Sister Act.

Okay.

In which state? Lick a choir girl is... Go ahead. No, what were you saying? I didn't say the name of my sex tape, but that's not that funny. The name of your sex tape is choir girl. Lick a choir. Just... The name of your sex tape is lick a choir girl.

They're both looking at me.

Isn't that the lake that Ted Kennedy killed that girl in? Lick a choir girl?

Lick a choir girl?

Okay, I'm ready.

Lick-a-quack-a-girl.

Thank you.

Yeah, there we go. We've certainly been there giving our face on. Lick-a-lick in our face.

Give her 10,000 bucks.

In which state would you find yourself if you left St. Louis, went five miles east, then 200 miles north, and then 40 miles west?

A state of disarray.

State of disrepair. Erin's closest with the state of Sugar Ray. It is the home state of Mark McGrath. All right. Can you say it's you leave it? You left St. Louis. In which state would you find yourself if you left St. Louis and went five miles east? Five miles east? Mm-hmm. Then 200 miles north and then 40 miles west. Erin, you basically got it.

A state of confusion.

The answer? A state of confusion. One. Once you go north of Canada, that's a famous, famously Lewis and Clark went into that territory drowned and they called it the state of confusion.

Yeah, they both drowned and then they named it.

I would love to see a scene really quick. JBC, you're a dad.

But I don't do it quick, I take my time with these scenes.

Oh brother, you're a dad and you've lived in Missouri your whole life, you think it's the best thing?

Because you want to make the scenes come.

Oh, and Adal, you're his kid and you really want to just like get out of Missouri, go to a coast, like live a more glamorous life.

And what was JPC's character?

A dad who's been in Missouri his whole life and he just thinks everyone should only live in Missouri.

And what was my character?

And I have the same questions as Adal, but I'm going to need mine after he gets his.

So I want to stay in Missouri.

Yeah. And I know I want to stay in Missouri. You want to leave.

Okay.

You weren't listening at all, even the second time. That's not the character. That's just me yelling at you. And start a scene. It's not time to make a change. Just relax and take it easy. You're reading lyrics off your phone. You're still young. That's your fault. There's so much you have to know. Find a girl. Settle down. If you want, you can marry. Look at me. I'm old, but I'm happy.

Good.

Take these chances. Are you singing DMV? Put them in a bag, then sit your ass in Missouri. Stay here until you die.

We cut to, since I didn't get a chance to be a character in the scene, since I was being played at, we cut to the, you need to renew your lyrics license on JPC, so you take a trip to the DMV.

Next.

Sorry, I was... Please get next up in line.

Yeah, I'm next. I'm here.

I see identification.

Yeah, here we go. State ID will work just fine. Oh, then I'll take that back. And here's that state ID. Yeah, I'm just here to renew my DIB.

What's your date of birth? Starting with the month, then day, then the year. Like England?

Month, then day? You think in England they do month, then day? We got to the British, Erin you're gonna play the British DnB.

Shouldn't you still be doing Dave Matthews band songs, even a British accent? See. Here we go, let's get into our main riddles.

A man screams for over an hour and wakes up the majority of people who live in his neighborhood. Hey Riddle Riddle podcast. That is great. The man is JP Riddle. Rather than complain about the noise or tell the man to stop or shut up, his neighbors give him an enthusiastic response. He's screaming. A man screams for over an hour and wakes up the majority of people who live in his neighborhood. Rather than complain about the noise or tell the man to stop or shut up, his neighbors give him an enthusiastic response.

Was this man alerting them of danger? Like, was there a dog on fire?

I know.

JBC, you got it. Nice. Paul, we're here. The man was Richard Denton, a Florida man who in 2005 spotted a dog on fire.

That Dog on Fire is my favorite in the Washington movie.

I fell into a flaming dog on fire. It went bark, bark, bark.

As the flame went higher.

And he purred, purred, purred. Is it Paul Revere? The man Paul Revere yelling the British are coming.

Um, I want to see a scene. Yep. JBC, you are Paul Revere. Got it. Um, and you, uh, Adal, will be just like the people in the town who like are just don't want to be woken up. We cannot believe that he's this rude.

Hey everybody, the British are coming. Shut the fuck up. Fuck you.

Oh Paul, Paulie, shut the fuck up. Who is that up there? It's Marky. Marky? Yeah, fucking Paulie.

Fuck you. Is that Paul Revere?

It's fucking Paulie.

Who the fuck is that? Is that Nikki? Is that my fucking sister? Is that my fucking sister? Maki, I'm gonna beat your ass. Yeah, no you can't. We're all drunk. Yeah, we're drunk.

Fuck you.

Fuck you. Fuck you. Yankees suck. I hope a fucking British soldier fucking comes on your face.

What? You know what? I was coming here to do something nice. I was coming here to do you a nicety, Mark. Yeah, fucking nicety. Fuck you.

Because I'm not doing it.

We were hanging out and drinking Sam Adams and then you come up in here.

You got Sam Adams up there? Yeah, he's up here. We're drinking him. We have his remains. We steeped them for a couple days and turned into a nice brew.

Hey Marky, I got something for ya. One if by land, two if by sea, my two ass cheeks, buddy. Yeah, and the one was my penis. Sorry, you had to see that.

Yeah, I actually do know something. I actually have a big, important job, Marky. I got a big job, Nicky. I'm in charge.

I am important.

I am important. And I was supposed to come in here and tell everybody that the British are coming.

I'm not going to pull my pants up for you.

George Washington's not around here. The president's not walking. Are you talking about the bank? Who's he banking?

Who's Washington banking? A man enters a sweepstakes one summer and is notified by mail that he has won third prize. A man enters a sweepstakes one summer and is notified by mail that he has won third prize, a new refrigerator. The man owns his home but does not have a fridge. Although there are no hidden costs and he needs to keep his family's food cold, the man turns down the prize. What's going on here? He doesn't have a fridge? He has a home but no fridge.

Oh, is he an owl?

The man is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a, is a,

Because he's Amish. Amish. Amish. Amish was a little bit taller. Amish was a baller. Amish was a gish with a bish with a baller. Which had a beard and a furrier to his beard. Raised a big bar now. I was like five foot four. So I can play the G's as a church house girl. And I'm just going to loot the reds.

Mumble Mumble Lutherans.

Mumble Mumble Lutherans. This is Mumble number five.

Speak up.

Speak up. What? What?

Purple loves Mumble. We're fucking Hacks.

We're all fucking Hacks. I have fun.

This is legit bad stand-up from the early aughts.

Okay, fuck. I do think that we're in a Truman Show situation, and I feel like the world is humoring us, where they're like, good job, this is good, but they just take our tapes and dump them in the ocean.

Sort of like the tea.

Yeah, but then there's like, there's some tech wizard who like made Twitter followers for us or something.

It's all bots. It's all bots. If you're a bot today, tweet at us. I'm for sure not a bot.

Yeah, and put the word Russian in there as well.

Did someone say to tweet at them?

Oh, God.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to activate Puzzbot.

Erin, I follow you on Twitter. You do not follow me back. Well, Puzzbot. What gives? Puzzbot. What's your Twitter? My Twitter is at Puzzbot420. OK, Puzzbot420.

Let's see if that's available.

Dan Puzzbot. Are you familiar with the phrase horny on your mane?

Horny on my mane, I do not know.

Yeah, it seems like you're pretty thirsty out here. You know your likes are public, right? Mmm, shit.

It looks like you just... Read some of my followers. I'm sorry, who I follow. Who are some of the people I follow that make me thirsty? Frankie Muniz? Mm-hmm. Because he's thirsty for Lizzo. Guilty by association. Bobcat Goldthwaite? Mm-hmm, he has the best voice. And then a lot of Trump bots.

Not a good look. Not a good look for you, Pussbot. Oh no. It's okay, Pussbot. We actually didn't want you here. Oh. Does that make sense? Does that make sense? Well... I heard... Erin's laugh is hurting me. Plusbot, settle a bet for me. Are you familiar with Dave Matthews Band? Yes. So can you sing, if I give you a topic, could you sing that famous Dave Matthews Band song as Plusbot?

Crash. Yeah, the movie Crash. Looking up most famous Dave Matthews song, results crash.

All right, Plusbot, you did it. Your topic is pasta.

I am making rigatoni. I boiled up the water, put some salt in for flavor. I'm the Puzz of the Castle. Wow, Puzz, but that is actually a really great way to make rigatoni. Really? Yeah. I throw it against the wall to see when it's done. Rigatoni? The pan. P.S., the pan is what I call my kids. Get out of here, Buzzbot, you'll skip.

Alright, see you later.

Till next time. We can't wait. Ah, boy. I just sat on my fucking lap and... Yeah, he's like 800 pounds. Oh yeah, my groin is ruined. Well, it wasn't. It wasn't too hot. Nothing around.

What is the answer to the riddle?

My groin of course wasn't in the Civil War, so no, it wouldn't right now. Dearest penis balls. Dearest penis. I hope this letter finds you well.

Love your loving vagina.

Stay safe. We love vagina.

Stay dry. Stay dry. Left even. I'm here at the British DMV.

Okay, so we were right with no electricity? Because you gave us something.

You are correct with no electricity. Is he Amish? He's not Amish, but you're on the right path.

The path has no electricity.

The path has no electricity. Okay. And it has to do with, similar to, what do you call it, like Pennsylvania? Dutch. It's a specific, it would be like a regional thing.

Oh, is, uh, are they, is he, uh, Eskimo? Um, Igloo?

The man, I don't know if he's Eskimo, but the answer is the man lives in an igloo.

Oh, okay. Yeah, I guess it could be anyone. I think most people in Alaska live in igloos, right? Sarah Palin, big igloo. I'm going to stay on this conversation because I don't want to be canceled. I can get canceled for saying Sarah Palin lives in an igloo. Come get me. What's, what's your son's name? Tractor?

Traktor. She has Traktor trailer, Hunter, Tinker, Soldier, Spy.

Gordon Love Leavitt Hewitt.

I am going to date my kids Traktor. Jennifer Lovett Hewitt. I want to see a scene. Erin, you live in Alaska. You have built a home entirely out of ice and you are bringing a date back for the first time.

So I guess this is me.

This is you. Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm just, I also live in Alaska in a house.

Yeah, I normally would live in a house, but I wanted to see if I could do it, right? Yeah, this is... Also, I run hot. Can I be honest with you?

Oh, yeah. This, the way that your place looks and then kind of everything that happened on the date tonight is really just leading me to say like, You're Superman, right? This is a fortress of crystals.

But I'm wearing glasses.

Yeah, but you did take the glasses off and laser the maitre d' at the restaurant when they didn't seat us immediately. When we went back to the car, you jumped over the car onto the other side of the car and then opened my door for me. You also kept referring to yourself as Superman.

Oh, right. Yes, yes.

Yeah.

Did I call my dick super too? Did I mention how my dick is also part of?

No, you did talk about the movie Superbad a lot.

Oh, did I?

Yeah, I think that might have just been like a personal preference thing.

But I'm wearing glasses, so I certainly couldn't be Superman. Superman does wear glasses, everyone.

Sure, I can see the undershirt that you're wearing is a spandex tights.

Oh, do we have company? Hi, my name is Elizabeth Good.

Oh.

Superman does me. I love that. Here we go. Let's do another riddle. Okay. You don't tell me what to do. Okay. Erin, we're going to do another riddle. JPC is going to honk wildly because he is, there's never been, JPC is the human version of Untitled Goose Game. He's basically just a goose wrecking fucking havoc. Being an asshole, doing what he wants. Wrecking havoc? Wrecking havoc. You don't wreak havoc, you wreck it.

Superman does good. I'm wreaking havoc. I'm setting this one out. I'm not doing this one. This is just you, Erin. I'm only going to snipe from the sidelines. I will not be helpful.

Erin, here we go. 150 people sit patiently in a train station waiting for their train. Suddenly, there's an announcement that the train has been cancelled and 147 other people get up and leave the station. Three people remain behind.

Those are the people that think it's okay to say igloo. People live in Alaska, and that's why they didn't care that they got fucking canceled.

What's the riddle? Erin, 150 people sit patiently in a train station waiting for their train. Suddenly, there's an announcement that the train has been canceled, and 147 of the people get up and leave the station. Three people remain behind. Why?

A captain always goes down with his train.

No, a captain always goes down on his train. Erin, what do you think?

Okay.

What do you think? And these three people. Yeah. They're all spiders?

Yeah, these three people spiders.

These people, Peter Parker, Mike Morales, and Jeffrey Biglia.

Jeffrey Biglia.

Okay, the hint that you're going to give me is... Hold on, hold on, hold on.

I would like to put money on this. Since I'm not in this, I took this one off. I know the answer, but I took it off.

What are you doing with your time off?

What's that? Yeah, what have you been up to with your time off? Let's do a quick little check in with JPC. JPC since he retired as a co-host of Hey Riddle Riddle, what have you been doing with your free time? Oh, man.

Well, Matt, I love that question. Thanks so much. What do you think my name is? Matt? You're correct. Great.

Matthew, if you feel like going the full mile? I don't. Great.

Okay. I love that question. I get that question all the time. Really, honestly, I've been getting to know JPC a little better. You met another man named JPC? Yes. His name is Jordan Patrice. Cocoa butter.

Wow, that's gonna follow you.

Yeah, and he's delightful. We were actually sitting next to each other on an airplane simulator. I was pilot, he was co-pilot. We struck up a conversation. We were in flight school together. Flight simulation school. What's that? Flight simulation? No, it was a simulation of flight school.

Okay.

So we were in a simulator in a classroom setting, full VR, taking paper tests, pen and pencil.

And there's also, for the flight stimulator, there was a stimulator, right?

Yes, there was a flight, I'm sorry, there was a classroom stimulator. So when I say full VR, it was a three inch device that was inserted into every orifice that we had available.

And the stimulator was doing some stem cell research?

Yes, I'm sorry, let me back up. It was a flight, classroom stimulator, flight stimulator, stem cell researcher later. And you had to fight over who did the stem cell research? Yes. So it was a fight or flight stimulator? It was a fight or flight, 100%. So me, Jordan Patrice, go go better. We're figuring things out. Lovely guy.

Can you do a quick recap for me where you were?

Sure. So, 1982. Spanish Harlem. Erin, do you know the answer to this frickin' riddle or not?

Oh, I think we're at a time.

Those three people may have been out of time as well.

Give me like a sort of hint.

A sort of hint.

Not a real hint, just like a hint of a hint.

So there's 150 people, there's an announcement, 147 of them left. Ask questions. Three stayed put. There's something that sets those three people apart.

They're stuck in amber. Okay.

There's statues of people in the train station.

They are.

Erin, life finds a way.

Incredible. What is interesting is the announcement was, oh, the train is going to go.

No, the train.

The train's left.

It's canceled. Oh, the train's canceled. These are people who were too afraid to fly. Very good. Aaron, very good.

He's giving you a hint, Aaron.

I just need you to answer the question.

Why is that a hint?

Aaron, three of the people were different from the other 147. What made them different? They weren't trapped in Amber. They weren't dead. They weren't spiders. They weren't from Spanish Harlem. They weren't Jeff Goldbombs. They weren't dinosaurs. What do we think?

What the hell is happening?

Here's the hint. 150 people sit patiently in a train station waiting for their train. Suddenly there's an announcement that the train has been canceled and 147 people get up and leave. Three people remain behind. Why, after an announcement, would 99% of the people leave? Erin just smashed the mic. Once an episode of Erin's mic drops. To be fair, she picked up the entire podcasting setup and dropped it. Because she felt so good about her answer. We could help Erin, but we're choosing not to. As Erin fixes her mic, JPC, can you take us back to Spanish Harlem 1982?

Give me any topic.

Santana.

It's a Jurassic Park.

So smooth. Erin, you are so stuck.

They're not dinosaurs.

It's nothing to do with Jurassic Park.

Do they work for the train? They do not work for the train. So it's not like 147 employees. So that is helpful. Erin, I bet if you apologize, I bet JPC would swoop in and help with this riddle.

I want you to apologize.

When this started, you said you didn't want to do this riddle because Adal was telling you what to do. Not sure what I'm apologizing for, but women love to say sorry. So here we are. I'm sorry.

Look, I don't know what you're apologizing for either. But now that I've heard that it's on the table, boy, oh boy, do I want that. It seems to me that I did everything and I don't know what I would be getting an apology for.

What's the answer to this riddle?

So the answer to this riddle, Erin, I don't know.

You can see he's pulling up a white board. He's got a dry erase marker. He's just drawing DNA helix with dicks.

Were these people The train going to a place is canceled. Were these people returning from that place?

It has nothing to do with their destination. It does have something to do with destination in terms of maybe where they are, but it doesn't have anything to do with the train logistics. Got it. I mean, to a certain extent it does because the train was canceled.

Are the people that are staying there still at work?

No. Okay.

Do they live close by? Do they live there?

I'm going to say most definitely not.

They do not live close by. Are they dead? They are.

Where do you think dead people live? They were three people who weren't from that place, so they just have to stay there.

Nobody. Baron? You 85% have this riddle correct.

Everyone else lived in that city, and they didn't live in that city. They're people from out of town.

That's 100% right, but you need to give me... You basically solved it, but I need you to say why... The moon. It's a train to the moon. Why does it make a difference if those three people were not from that area? There was an announcement over the loudspeaker. They don't speak any English. The three people in the station, the station is in Germany and the three people don't speak German.

And they can't just use deductive reasoning.

What do you want from me? I don't fucking write these reels. Yes, I did write this one. We don't speak German. So the three of us are in a train station. It's a German train station. We're doing our Hey Riddle Riddle Germany leg of the tour. We're just sitting there. Everyone's in the train station. Every other German person in the train station heard an announcement, got up and left. And we're all there now.

I feel like something is wrong. Did one of us fart? What is this? Lion King? Pumba, yeah, Pumba.

Sorry, I have my headphones on.

Clear the Savannah. Clear the Savannah. Uh... You mean Lion King?

Erin, everybody just left this train station.

Excuse me? Are you three stuck here in the station?

Adal, I don't want to do characters.

I don't want to do seeds. I don't want to do seeds right now. I don't want to do bits right now, Adal. We're stuck at this train station. Who is Adal? My name is Otto. Otto Rifai. Oh God. Adal, it's time to fall asleep, but my name is Otto Rifai. My name is Otto Rifai. I am here from Dusseldorf. Excuse me, did you just say Dusseldorf? This is my friend, JP Germany.

My name is JP Germany. What are you doing in the Germany, young lady?

What would my name be?

What kind of accent is this?

What are you doing? What would my name be?

Erin, Jesus Christ. These nice people don't stop. Please stop. Please pump the brakes.

What kind of accent is she doing that she's breaking? What kind of accent is she doing? I demand an apology from this girl. Even though I think I did the wrong thing. Yes. Who does she think she is? Madeline Kahn? You sound like Adam Sandler when you do it. Erin. Come to the back of the book. Come to the back of the book. Come to the back of the Germany. You can do it. They're all going to laugh at you.

Oh, I think the train's canceled.

Oh. Oh. We should be too. We should be concert.

V... V... How do you walk into a German... A scene.

How do you walk into a German accent? How do you walk into... 3 German accents locked into a bar. Volkswagen.

Volkswagen.

They switch the W's and the V's, right? I feel like any time I do a German accent, which is rarely, and never doing it well, bless you. I always think of Christoph Waltz in glorious bastards when he goes to the house. He makes an egg or he asks for milk or whatever. But he just has that real soft kind of My name is Christopher. See, I nailed it.

Yeah, you nailed it.

He does announce his name in that movie.

I think of Hans and Crohn's, Erin. Is that what you want? Yes.

Is that what you want from me? I don't know how to do any accent like really. Every accent that I do is an impression of someone else doing an accent that I may have heard in like a comical way. So my German accent is usually like very much like this.

From Austin Powers.

From Austin Powers?

Yeah. And then let's hear your Scottish is just fat bastard.

Get in my boarder hat. My wife. Get in my wife. Since Scottish accent, I say, I'm having a great day.

Great. Great day. Great. Great.

Great.

Do an Irish accent.

Oh.

I'm That show is a character who is from Ireland. Now she's going to kill me. I can't remember what the root thing that she says to get into that Irish accent.

Oh, come on. The root thing for the Irish accent. We get what you're saying. Potato.

I hate to be the one to tell you this Mary. Are you fucking joking?

That's it. Are you fucking joking? Are you fucking joking? And it ends like it's a question, right? It's going upward. Like a question? Like a question. We're not that bad. I was telling Erin the other day, one of my favorite YouTube videos is the little girl who's maybe Scottish or Irish and she thinks she's going to Meghan Markle's wedding. So she's crying in the kitchen when the mom starts recording her and she's like, are we going to Meghan's wedding? And the mom goes, no, you're not going. You weren't invited. And she goes, why wasn't I invited? And she goes, because Meghan doesn't know you. And she's like, but everyone at school is going. And she's like, no, they're not. And she goes, teacher said that everyone will be there. And she goes, she meant everyone in the sense of like all everyone who matters. And she's like, So I'm not going. And she's like, no. And she goes, I'm not a princess. And she goes, you're my little princess. And she goes, yeah, yeah, I'm probably not going because Megan doesn't know me. And it's the funniest. It's like, it's through massive tears. Like she's just sobbing her eyes out.

Have you guys seen the YouTube video of the girl making a video yelling at her sister for unplugging her iPad?

No.

She's like, thanks a lot to Rachel. My, your iPad's charged and mine's not anymore. Way to go idiot.

Oh, Erin I have seen that and you're misremembering. That was from Irish Friends. Where Irish Monica lambasts Irish Rachel.

Now you've got your iPad and I don't have my iPad.

We were on a break and I'm wearing everybody's clothes. Could I be wearing any of my clothes? You idiot. Gunther, get me another cup of coffee.

Smelly cat, smelly cat. What is this? We need to take a fucking break.

Speaking of all of our favorite YouTube videos, we gotta go get some more money from our advertisers.

We'll be right back with more Hereto Rito. And we are Batman. Superman does good. Superman does good.

Batman does well. Batman fell down a well. Superman's doing good. Batman fell down a well. And Robin played Nick. The Batmobile lost a wheel. The Joker kissed a clown. You do well.

I was born in one. How do you walk into a Bane accent, Erin? She puts her hands on her head.

You put your hands over your mouth and then you say Gotham. You go Gotham. Gotham. Gotham.

I hope you know that in the movie he's saying got them.

Gotham.

Got them. Bane's catchphrase is Gotham.

Got them. I do think I would love it if like... Bane on my hitter's grave. If like comic book movies were just like the characters in comic book movies talked like just real people talked.

I'm Batman.

Yeah she's like, hey I'm a bad dude and I'm like slightly muscular.

Or just like, nothing quippy, nothing clever. Like Captain America deck someone who's like, fuck you dickhead.

Someone had, I feel like Patton Oswalt or someone has a bit on that where it's like in most movies like the best friend in most rom coms is like so quick with a quip. Yeah. And it's like in real life they'd be like, Ooh. Night, like, yeah.

I would like to hear one more riddle before I die.

Let's hear one more riddle, meaning John Travolta's gonna play a mom. It's a holiday. Moss hops in his car and begins to drive. He drives for hours in one direction and covers hundreds of miles. When Moss stops the car and gets out, he's in the same place that he started. What go on?

It's Carrie Anne Moss. She's driving on set. Classically, they don't have those cars actually move. They hook them up to a machine that stimulates the tires and the cars just drive and drive on the lot.

So you think in movies versus just pretending to drive and park, they hook it up to a machine? That stimulates the tires. That stimulates the tires. And this is a drive stimulator? It's a drive stimulator. Is Moss Carrie Anne Moss? Moss is Carrie Anne Moss. Nice.

It's a circle.

What's a circle?

The drive.

Is it a circle drive? Erin, it's a circle drive, but I need a little more information.

Island.

It's not an island.

Island in the sun.

It's not circle island. It's not a Weezer concert. Hey, hey, Riddle. Oh, our show should be, if we ever, oh shit, Erin, you just cracked the code. Erin, you just cracked the code. This episode will hereby be known as the purple episode. Nice. Just like Weezer names all their albums after colors, and it's gonna be called, hey, hey, Riddle Riddle. Oh.

In Island in the Sun, they do that, hey, hey.

Yeah. Erin, you're way less enthused than I thought you'd be. I thought you'd be at like a two and you're at a negative four.

I think it's because I'm having the time of my life.

Okay. And she owes it all to you.

She's dancing pretty dirty.

I used to do, when I first moved to Chicago, I had a job where I had to drive all around Cook County and take pictures of houses for this real estate investment company. It was a bad job. And there was nothing shittier than driving. And you said the real estate investment company was called Stocking Your Ex? I was invested in her real boyfriend.

Who is this Nick guy? And why is he buying property?

But there was nothing shittier than driving for like 10 hours in a day, getting out of the car, and still being in fucking Chicago. Like being right where you started from. Sure. It's a lot of driving.

I love road trips. I love road trips too. When we went to Champaign, that was so much fun.

When you get out of the car at a road trip, you're in a different locale. But when you just drive and drive and drive for your day job and you're just in... It would be like... Maybe it's like driving Uber or driving Lyft or something where you're just like driving all day but not going anywhere. What was the question? How long did they do the job? Like three months or something like that?

Four months? Six months? I can't remember. And what was your base salary? What's that? What was your base salary?

You know what's funny? And I don't think I can get in trouble for this and nobody fucking cares. But I went to a temp agency because I had a bunch of friends who were temping when they first moved here.

In Tempe, Arizona?

It was a hemp agency. We were making a rope. But I went to a temp agency and they were like, great, we're a temp agency, this is how it works, blah, blah, blah. We met you with a person, blah, blah, blah. And then a day later they called me and they were like, hey, there's this guy, he's from this place in Miami. They do tax, blah, blah, for real estate. Would you like meet with him and see about doing, he needs like an admin to do a job. I met with the guy. The guy was like, here's the job. He's like, I don't know that temp agency. I don't want to go through them. I would rather just pay you and not pay them, which you're specifically not supposed to do with the temp agency. And so I said, well, you know, if you split the difference of what you were paying them, you can just pay me directly. I don't give a shit about them either. I'll break many laws that there are to break. And then he was like, great, let's just do that. And then I just worked under the table for cash for him for like six months.

Oh my God. It's so interesting.

It was great. Can we call that story under the table in dreaming?

It was like six figures, $600,000.

I do remember, it's such a shitty thing, but they were buying up state property tax debt and then Hey Riddle Hey Riddle. It's a real estate tax investment company. Rich people are a poison, a poison to this world. Evil. Oh, it's truly evil. I watched a woman crying in the Cook County Clerk's office because she didn't understand why she owed some other... It wasn't even our company, but some other company, she couldn't pay her tax bill because someone else had bought her tax bill. Everything about the government and the economy is fucked and crazy. Here's what you should do. If you're listening to this podcast, take everything you own, boil it. Down into gold. Even your kids, your kids are gold, reduce them to gold. Take that gold, swallow it. I'll see you in heaven.

I'll see you in heaven. I'll see you in heaven. Shh. Whisper that to your kids before you boil them down. I wish that's a spaghetti every night. I'll see you in heaven. What would you know? Tommy in heaven, I'll see you in heaven. So the answer to this riddle is the economy. What's the question? Yeah. So we just heard from Joe Rogan's podcast. Let's get back to him. If we have some pills we want to sell you, those pills are riddle pills. So, it's a holiday. Moss hops in his car and begins to drive. He drives for hours in one direction. He drives for hours in one direction, covers hundreds of miles. When Moss stops the car and gets out, he's in the same place that he started. Alright, Erin. Here's what I want to say.

Zamboni.

So circle, you nailed it. So it's not a Zamboni. You think... Is Moss a person? You think a Zamboni driver during an NHL game drives hundreds of miles?

I think in a day, he drives hundreds of miles.

Have you seen, how fast do you think a Zamboni goes?

A hundred miles per hour. Oh no.

He drives for an hour. That's a hundred miles.

Maybe he's going, maybe the Zamboni driver is going so fast that we just think they're going slow.

Oh yeah. He's got to get back Marty.

I want to see a quick scene. Wait, what? Yeah, I know. It's not me, it's the rink. And you are two hockey players and you're getting a little fed up with how slow this Zamboni driver is going.

I don't want to get back on the ice. I really just want to get back on the ice. Play some puck. Play some puck. You know how that phrase we use?

I really want to take my big L and slap the little black disc. I want to take my crooked bat and hit the old flat ball.

I want to get right back on my metal knives. Nothing but nets, but without the guy hitting it. Crazy how that goalie got his throat slashed. Yeah, that goalie got his throat slashed.

Happens every game.

Happens once every game. On his way to the rink, there's a guy in the back of his car. What happened was a car behind him kept flashing the blinkers, and the guy was pulled over and got away. He thought they were going to chase him down, but the blinkers came on every time the killer in the back would pop up. That's what I heard.

Yeah, they got to the- There's a couple more minutes.

Ooh.

This is still going on.

This is still going on.

Hey, excuse me.

Yeah?

Uh, is it possible that you could do your- I don't- what does the Zamboni do?

What does a Zamboni do?

This isn't a set up to a joke. Is it cleaning the ice? Is it getting... Is it making more ice?

It's not making more ice. It's smoothing out the ice so you can skate more easily. Makes the ice shinier, easier to skate on. Also gives me a job.

Chet, are you good? I'm good skating on bad ice. Oh yeah. Yeah, we're good on bad ice.

But this ice is really bad. Okay.

How bad is it?

Hey, why is that Zamboni operator wearing all leather? I don't know. It's got a microphone, too.

Ice is so bad.

How bad is it?

How bad is it? It hasn't called its mom in a while.

Ooh, we should stick to crowd work.

Yeah. It feels like one of those sassy friends in a movie.

Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah, sassy friend in a movie or like Eddie Murphy's 80s stand-up. Uh-huh. That is a bright red, leather one-two. What was that? Did they sneeze? Oh, a whip.

They sneezed a whip. I sneezed a whip out. I'm scared.

Well, that's for the keep the lions off the rink.

Yeah. I would love to do something, but I can't operate on this man. You see, he's my son.

Oh my God.

Aaron, you basically got it with a circle. So I just need you to give me context. Why a circle? Is Moss a person?

What'd you say? A noober ring? Is Moss a person? Is Moss a person's name? Or is Moss Moss?

I just was thinking about maneuvering. I did a sketch once with Hailey Palmer. I think I've mentioned this, where the whole sketch is just us talking at brunch and then she sneezes out a maneuvering.

Yeah.

And then we're silent. We just go to the hospital.

Mm-hmm.

We'll be at the hospital. Mm-hmm. Because why would you sneeze out a maneuvering?

Adal, is Moss a person's name or is it not a person? Moss is a person. Really? Does that matter?

Yeah, it matters that a person hops in a car and drives it. That's the, I'd say that's the foundation. It's not an island.

It's a race track.

It's not an island. It is a race track. You want to give me a little more specifics or JPC this might be more in your, you think, you think, of course, famously, uh, Aaron calls July 4th, booms and bangs. How many, how many miles? Um, hundreds of miles. Hey Riddle Riddle. Yes. That's how you get to the bathroom. Cars flip and go into the... So you're telling me it's just as safe to watch a NASCAR event as it is to just drive.

I think it's way more dangerous to drive than it is to watch a NASCAR event.

I'm going to disagree with you.

You know what? Let's test it.

Because the people who go there also drove to the event. I want to see a scene. Erin, you are a NASCAR driver. You're in the Indianapolis 500 and you brought your husband along because he felt left out. He didn't want to sit in the stands because it's unsafe. So you are currently going 220 miles per hour lap 47 out of 500 laps.

Can we listen to... Can we listen to something else?

What? What?

Can we listen to something else?

Honey, really trying to focus. Really just trying to go around in a circle like that.

I don't want to listen to this anymore.

It helps me focus.

We never listen to my music.

We listen to your music a lot, honey. I'm just trying to focus.

I'm putting in my Dave Matthews CD.

Okay, please just anything but the ants marching song.

Anything but that.

This is my Dave Matthews Santana cover-up.

Honey, I love you, but you... I tell you this every time you drive with me is you... I just can't have any serious conversations. I can't really talk to you while I'm doing this kind of work.

You want to have this conversation, Kelly? Because I'll have this conversation.

My point is, I'm at work right now. Good.

Let's hash it out. Let's do this. Come to Jesus.

I can't. All right. Okay. Okay. All right. I don't think I'm ready to have another kid right now. I know you want one.

You're four months pregnant. What do you mean you're not ready to have another kid?

I just am saying, I just feel like you really wanted this kid and I'm excited, but also I'm nervous and I'm scared. Hold on. We got to get out and they're going to change all the tires. Okay.

I asked you to follow me on Twitter.

You're good at NASCAR noises. Do more. Thank you. Ah, my baby.

Crash. Dale Earnhardt. If Weird Al did a cover of Crash, do you think it would be called Crash Bandicoot? No, I guess he doesn't. He doesn't continue the word. He changes it.

Oh, Bandicoot's a completely different word.

So it'd be like Flash. It'd be about Justice League superhero Flash.

Yeah, I'm trying to think of what... Flash runs real fast. What other weird out songs could you do about Crash Bandicoot?

Let's do one more riddle. Here we go. A group of people stumble across a body after examining the corpse. Is this Stephen King book? Yeah, they poke it with a stick and they bond. It's the 1960s, Derry, Maine. They bond? I don't know. What's your bond girl's name? The game's bond. Was Anna Blocovice.

Yeah.

Mr. Bond, my name is Anna Blocovice. And these are my cum rags. And these are my cum. Forgot about that. A group of people sum across a body. After examining the corpse, the group notes that the body is missing internal organs, but they maintain the victim died a natural death. What going on? What's going on? These reports are called Marvin Gayes because we need to know what's going on. You think the song is coming through the grapevine? No. Oh, I bet you wonder why I'm outside next to the grapevines. I guarantee there's nothing going on. And these cum rags are just a bad sign.

Somebody give that grapevine $10,000. I don't know, Adal.

I don't know. Is that a crime? To be fair, as I was asking this riddle, Erin did take her punch card, clock out, put on her hat and coat.

She blew a whistle, she slipped down a dinosaur.

What?

Finds a way.

These people. My wife finds a way.

Still pulling across the body. The body has no internal organs. It's a human body. Or they're missing some internal organs.

Oh, we can't sing that.

Yeah.

Of all the things we do, that's a bridge too far.

It's a human.

It's a human body. The group of people stumble across a human body. After examining the corpse, the group notes that the body is missing internal organs, but they maintain the victim died a natural death. Missing all internal organs? I'll say yes. Okay. I mean, yeah.

Name an organ. Piano. Yep. Could this be a medical cadaver and all of their organs were like taken from it and it fell off the corpse train?

Yeah.

You know, you guys big use of Islam fans, right? Yeah, of course.

A corpse train coming to CBS all around the world on a corpse train.

Get off that corpse train, you're in Germany. Oh, I forgot to mention, as you guys think about this, I'm going to Germany. Are you really? I'm going to Dsseldorf. Dassgd? What? To train some employees. To train? To corpse train.

Now I'm back at the end of the year.

Hey Germany. To do some improv workshops. Nice.

Cool. I'm jealous.

For company. I'll bring you back. I think Dusseldorf is mostly known for mustards.

I love mustard. I honestly, if you can, the best coffee I've ever had in my life was German coffee. So you can get German coffee. I don't know if they'll let you bring that back, but if you can, please, I'll give you moneys for it.

And that's in Shiseblund? Okay, great. Yeah, Erin, you went shy to the blend. If I get you...

They're making fun of me.

No. In Shiza.

I just want good ass. Good ass.

Oh, it'll be good ass.

It'll be good ass.

Good ass.

Shit. German copy. Erin, you really put your foot in your ass. If I brought you back like Lederhosen, would you do, this sounds gross.

Too late. Finish your thoughts.

I meant it as like a fun thing of like, would you do like, hey Riddle photos with the Lederhosen? But as soon as I said it, I'm like, someone's going to take this wrong way.

Yeah, and that someone was Erin.

I really want German coffee. I really want German coffee, but I'll take any.

I guess I'll do your underwear pictures as well, if it gets me the coffee. Yeah, the leader hose would be over your face.

Do you want anything back?

No, but every time Adal goes to Europe, he breaks me back what he calls a European cup bathing suit and wants me to come home.

Yeah, of course, we all know... Really just Saran Wrap? Famously, a European bathing suit is Saran Wrap with a zipper mouth. And of course, when you jump in a pool, you close the zipper so that you can breathe. You don't have to, you know, suck in water.

Adal came back from Australia, and he brought me an Australian bathing suit. It was a Babin or Robin costume, but just the top half of the Robin.

And the dicks cut out. The dick races cut out.

Yeah, and the top half, and the dicks cut out.

What do you think is going on with his body?

Who cares? Who cares? I'm having fun.

I don't know.

I was nowhere near the right answer with medical cadaver. Does it look like the organs that have been removed have been removed on purpose? Yes. Post death?

Post potatoes. Post potatoes? Oregon donor. No. No. That's a good guess. Okay. But this is all their organs. But all their organs were taken out post potatoes. Post potatoes. And I'll say that this body's probably been dead for a little bit. Is it stuffed with anything else? Mummy. Is it?

Yeah, is it?

Go ahead.

Mummy.

Go ahead.

Go ahead. Is it a mummy?

Is it a mummy? Go ahead. After you sir, it's a mummy. Is it a mummy?

It is stuffed.

With peppers. And a duck. It's stuffed with peppers. Hey Riddle.

What's up? Didn't they say I was on train tracks or was that not part of this riddle at all? I just thought of Steven Keif.

I said I was going to Germany to train people in improv.

I just thought of Steven Keif.

I want to see one more scene. This is going to be, Erin, you are a- Better be!

Better be an archeologist!

Okay. And you just found a mummy, uh, JPC. Hmm. Let's see here. Not going to follow whatever I give you. So I'm going to do your own thing, blaze your own trail. Better be a mummy. Okay. Got it.

Here we go. Wiping some dirt.

Hello? Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, I'm hallucinating, I'm hallucinating, I'm hallucinating. Hello? Excuse me ma'am. Oh my god, it's a kid mummy. Have you seen my mummy? Blam, blam, blam, blam.

These NASCAR cars are going by real quick.

Are we on a waste track? Have you seen my mummy or my daddy?

Sorry, Adal.

Blam. No, I just had my volume turned up so high. No, not at all. Hey, you were right to scream. You were method.

I screamed towards the wall.

You were method. I just had my volume turned all the way up. Ice cream towards the wall.

We all scream for ice cream.

What's up?

I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm tired. I don't know.

I literally can't hear you.

Can someone get me a coffee? Can I get a coffee? Can I get it? I'm going to genuinely get coffee.

What do you guys want when I go to Tokyo? I thought to get you, they have these cool jackets that you can have that you can make that are just like cool things on the back, like satin jackets. They look like club jackets.

Oh, cool. So you got one that says, hey, one that says Riddle and one that says Riddle.

I think it's more like Japanese stuff versus our podcast.

I don't know.

Our podcast is huge in Japanese. We're big in Japan. Yeah. I promise you. Speaking of big in Japan, Jap's anything you want to plug?

Boy oh boy, I would love to plug my own personal Twitter at JPsofly. I'd love to plug my Instagram at sharkbarkman. I'd love to plug my dog's Instagram at Gooty Girl. Mariah texted me the other day and she goes, a bunch of people followed spaghetti's Instagram account. I was like, I did mention it on the podcast. And she's like, oh, well, it's that then. So yeah, follow that. Take pictures of my dog. Yeah, take pictures of my dog. Send them to me. Direct message pictures of my dog to my dog. That's America. Also, check out our Tea Public store. We got a ton of cool shirts on that Tea Public store. If you like this show, why would you? But subscribe to the Patreon as well. Good things are coming to the people who go to patreon.com slash heyriddleriddle. Erin?

Follow me, Erin Keif 10, on Instagram. I have a web series I think that should already be out by the time that this episode airs, but I'm really, really proud of it and you can find all the info about it there. Also, go to our tea public store. No, I said that. And if you're a fan of the show and I don't know why you would be booked, join our Patreon. Adal.

Since we're plugging pets, check out Fries and Brisket on Instagram. My girlfriend Gemma runs an account for our two cats, who are very cute and very mischievous. Mischievous, mischievous. I don't care. Don't at me. Also check out Puzzbot420 at Twitter. You're probably gonna... Also you're going to want to check out the JV Club, one of my favorite podcasts hosted by Janice Varney. I'm doing that October 18th in Chicago at 7pm at Chicago Theatre Works, so please come to that. Also come check out Erin and I doing the Grand Rapids Festival Friday, October 25th at 10pm in Grand Rapids, Michigan. We're also teaching workshops, so sign up for that. Also, last but not least, please check out our tea public store. I know James and Erin don't give it enough love or mention it at all, but you want to check out Adal, and you want to buy some merch in time for the holidays. By holidays, I mean Halloween. Yeah, Halloween. The holidays. Can we call Halloween? Hey, Lorraine? Erin, say it. Just say it. Hey Lorraine, like what's a Halloween? Riddleweens? Riddleweens? Say the word, send us home. Holleriddles?

Jupiter!

Fuck. Bye forever.

Say the words and just hone.