Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Hey KJ, make it black and white. Ah, it seems you've returned to Riddle City. If you're just now joining us or you're an amateur boxer who got hit in the head by a professional boxer, this is what you missed. The year is 1948, or whatever, and Brick Stoneheart is trying to solve a mystery. Say hello, Brick.

Hello, Brick.

Rick is a current PI and former cop with a mysterious past and an even more mysterious face. He's joined by Mickey Rourke, no relation, who is a hot-tempered retired boxer. He sounds a little bit like this.

They call it Taco Tuesday, but you can get a taco any day if you got the cash, the moolah, the cheddar.

These two gentlemen thought they had just solved the disappearance and murder of Marquis de Marc, a misguided delinquent who owed a lot of people a lot of money. But they just spotted him on a train celebrating with the Chief of Police in Madeline de Marc, Marquis' sister and the former love of Rick's life.

Oh, my sweet Madeline. I just want to eat you up like a little Girl Scout cookie.

Now go, go, go.

Give me some more.

A swing and a thin mint.

Guys, now Coco Cashmere, a local performer known for her angelic voice... Say hello Coco. She's in jail right now. She can't come to the phone right now. Now Coco Cashmere, a local performer known for her angelic voice, sits in jail for his murder. The case is anything but closed. Hit it Arnie!

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

The gentlemen catch up and chat over eggs and bacon and coffee and eggs and bacon and coffee. They have the same order.

More ketchup on your eggs and bacon and coffee? I love ketchin' up.

Well, it's better than finding a mouse turd in my food. Turd straight from his hinds, he's... Yes, 57.

What else?

What else? What else? Pretty God kid, shake the feeling that we may have done something wrong here.

My brain feels just like these eggs. Scrambled, in this case, was just like your eggs. Over easy.

And we do have the same order, so we have one scrambled egg and one over easy egg.

But I feel like it was over too easy, if that makes sense. It makes perfect sense to me. I think we missed something. Oh, the tip. Oh, yes, of course. Here we go. Five percent, as per usual, per scumptious.

Rick poured over who might have information about Madeline or Marky and who would be willing to talk. Just then, Rick remembered something. When he was with Madeline, he heard her mention her hairdresser and how often she let her secrets slip to her. How convenient, because Mickey knew this woman very well. It was Mickey's wife, Vicki Rourke, who Mickey affectionately called Vicki to poop. She had long red hair, but you couldn't tell because this isn't black and white.

Well, those eggs were about the best thing that I've ever had in my life, until yesterday's eggs, which were about the best things I ever had in my life. Now I'm ready to go do what I like to do best after I eat my eggs and drink my coffee, which is take a big morning poop.

Oh, speaking of poop. Speaking of poop, isn't your wife Vicky de Poop?

What, yes? That's my wife's name, Vicky de Poop.

Yes. Formerly Vicky Boca de Beppo?

Hey Riddle.

Yeah, she does.

Is that what you wanted? Is that fun? Why not?

Five percent! Are you serious? Are you serious?

Hold on, just give her a second. She'll catch the other fifteen in a second.

Got it! The gentlemen made their way over to Mickey's house.

Now, Brick, why do you want to go see my old wife anyway? She's got our baby at home to consider.

Well, because I just remembered that when I was with Madeleine Ohma, sweet Madeleine Demarque, I really missed a Demarque by divorcing her. Well, she divorced me. Well, yes, I can't recall. I've had too many of your punches. You make a mean punch with bourbon and orange juice.

It's actually just a, well, sometimes it's bourbon and orange juice, but most of the time it's just everything in the kitchen sink.

Knock, knock. Who's there? I'm about to ring the doorbell. Ding dong.

I don't need to ring the doorbell. I live here. We could just walk right in.

No, no, no. I don't want her to think she gets any special treatment because you know what? We have to investigate her. We have to interrogate her.

My wife? Now what do you mean? What's the idea, you wise guy?

Put your dukes down. Okay. Now, I'm saying we have to treat her as a suspect because she has some ties. Somehow, I forget what it was, but my explanation... Why?

Just because my wife used to be the hairdresser of, uh, Madeline?

Yes, that's right. I want to see if she knows any inside scoops, just like an employee of Baskin-Rabbins.

Well, if she knew any scoops, she would tell her old husband. You don't think she's keeping things from me. Her old husband? Yes. Was she married before you? To the mayor of town. John Philip Scuba. And I hope we don't have to see that son-of-a-gun. Oh, that old son-of-a-gun. Hello. Oh, hello. Hi. Hey. Vicky, I'm Vicky the Poop. Vicky.

The baby is sleeping, Vicky, so I only have a minute.

Oh, I'm so sorry, baby. I didn't mean to- Hi, Vicky.

Hi, nice to see you, Vicky the Poop. You know, brick, of course.

Have you boys been behaving?

Well, of course. Well, for the most part, but we did just have breakfast and we're all rattled up. Now, you used to be a hairdresser for Madeline, is that right? Madeline. The North Star and my dark sky.

I'm still a hairdresser.

Oh, you are? We came to you because of some information I just remembered, but I can't remember what it is right now.

You want to know a little bit about Madeleine DeMarcus?

That's what it was?

We want to know if she's been hiding or harboring anything from us, Vic.

Just because I'm your lover doesn't mean you don't have to answer a Riddle.

Oh, don't mean I gotta get with your friends, does it?

What did I always say? What did I say in her vows?

If you want to be my lover, you gotta get with my friends. Friendship isn't easy. That's the way it is.

But you famously end the alphabet with Zed, right? Yeah. Like a fucking idiot.

A little rude.

No, that is a little rude.

You don't want to wake up our baby. Do you want to go say hi to our baby?

No, I'll meet him when he's 18. Then he comes back from his first service in Moore.

You named him.

That's right, I did name him. Yeah, what is your baby's name again? My baby, as we all know, is... Dickie dork.

Dickie dork.

Dickie dork. No, I didn't want to give him my name. He could earn my name if he wants it. But for now, he's Dickie dork. And we'll see if that name toughens him up over a lifetime.

Okay, what am I?

You're Mickey's wife. It's the name.

We're a Riddle City, and if you remember, the law of the land is you have to answer a riddle before you give anyone, or you have to give someone a riddle before you give anyone the information. It's sort of an exhausting lay-on, but here we are.

That's all we know, though. It's where we were born and what we do.

What am I? If you look, you can't see me. If you see me, you cannot see anything else. I could make you walk if you cannot. Sometimes I speak the truth, and sometimes I lie. If I lie, I am nearer to the truth. What am I?

The sun. Now, anyway, Vicki, we were trying to see if you knew any of the- Help! Is that the sun? Oh, you said we had to answer Riddle. You're saying now that we have to give the right answer to a riddle? Okay, then I need you to repeat that riddle.

How can that be more than one answer to the riddle? Brick already said sun. Oh, the baby's scared.

Oh, she's putting the baby back down. Oh no.

If you look, you can't see me. If you see me, you cannot see anything else.

Now stop right there. Let's parse over that. If you look, look, you can't see me. If you do see me, you can't see anything else.

Now you see the sun. And if you look into the sun, you'd be blinded. So you couldn't see anything else. But maybe it's us or the moon. Is it a black hole sun? Won't you come?

It has nothing to do with space.

Okay. Okay. Alright. Is it the inside of your eyelids?

A little bit closer with that. Let me keep reading. Sure. I can make you walk if you cannot. Sometimes I speak the truth. Okay. Sometimes I lie.

I can make you walk or help you walk.

Sugar cane!

Is it one of those moving walkways at an airport? You know, you get on one of those things and it takes you from terminal A to terminal Z. Or like Detroit has, the people mover?

I think Des Moines has one too.

Make sure you tie your shoes before you get on one of those.

Oh yeah, that's true.

It caught at the end.

That's an old wife's tale. And you're an old wife, so we respect you for it. Well, she's my new wife, but she's the mayor's old wife. Oh, I'm sorry? You're old and new.

I'm the old mayor's old wife.

And she's something borrowed, and she's always blue. Who'd you borrow from? The mayor. You're on loan? Old John Philip Scuba, mayor's town. Took out a loan?

Sort of not property, but I am very blue.

It's probably because of the way that I talk. Now, Vicki, can I ask you?

Is it something to do with Cain?

No.

Ooh, is that something to do with Abel? It's not like sugarcane and Abel?

No, you're closest with the back of your eyes.

Candycane and Abel.

If you look, you cannot see me. If you see me, you cannot see anything else. I can make you walk if you cannot. Sometimes I speak the truth, and sometimes I lie. If I lie, I am nearer to the truth.

What am I?

Is it a tongue?

Is it a tongue?

I don't know. Is it? Ah, is it a tongue? This is one of me and Vicky's favorite games.

Is it a tough week? Okay, Babe, are you ready?

Uh-huh.

Is this a tongue?

Okay, let's see. Oh, there's no laces on this shoe. Is it a tongue? I'm gonna say it's a sandal.

Yep.

Hot damn, it's a sandal.

Is this a tongue?

Okay, let me feel this. Okay. It's either a kneecap, an elbow, or a butthole. I'm going to say... I can head out.

Two of those are right. Okay, we're sorry. I'm going to read it one more time.

One more time.

If you look, you cannot see me.

If you see me, you cannot see anything else. I can make you walk if you cannot.

Sometimes I speak the truth and sometimes I lie. If I lie, I am near to the truth. What am I?

A crutch.

No, it's the closest thing is the back of your eyelid.

Your own reflection. Is it a body part?

No.

It's not a body part? Is it three feet in front of you?

Something that happens in your brain.

Ooh, stroke, a memory.

A dream.

Ooh, it's a dream.

The answer is a dream.

The answer is a dream? So we have to be asleep to know the answer.

No, no, forget it.

Ooh, a dream just like my sweet Madeline.

Well, speaking of Madeline, I can tell you everything I know. I am more than just Madeline's hairdresser, you know. Her and I got drinks after I cut her hair about two weeks ago. We went to the moxie to listen to Coco sing. She told me Markie was in trouble and said a bunch of things I didn't quite hear her understand. Over Coco screeching, I mean singing. But I know for sure I heard the word twigs and baby doll and... You were right about screeching.

I mean, Coco's a dust and diamond in the rough. All she does is screech.

I heard the words twigs and baby doll and entendre.

Twigs, baby doll, entendre. The Untondra.

Ooh, I like my untondras like I like my bourbon. Make it a double. And put some munch juice in there.

We're making a munch! Brick and Mickey, of course, knew of the untondra. It was the underbelly of Riddle City. Logic problems and math had been voted out by the people many years ago, but there were deviants there who were still willing to get their fix.

Oh, so we need to go to Anchandra to do some math problems now.

Yeah, but they would never let two PIs in there. So I'll have to put you two in disguises, so let's try some on.

Well, I'll tell you something before we try this suit on. I was a PI, of course, but I also work for the Secret Service. I was a piss. Do they let piss in?

They definitely let piss out.

He's just taking the piss out. Alright, let's try it on your costume.

I have this whole closet full of disguises?

Whoa!

You can try it on and pick a new fake name.

I'm not going to ask why my wife has a closet full of disguises. I'm just going to let it happen and let it be.

Mickey, I feel bad because she has a closet full of disguises.

Hey, you get out of here, guys. Hey, hit the bricks, kid. Don't let the Lord hit you with the door split ya.

But I'll sit here in my... My mouth? Okay, this is me wearing a green shirt, brown pants, and a shaggy wig, and I would go as Scooby-Doo!

Okay, this is me wearing pants on my head and a blouse on my feet and I'd go as Whoopsie Daisy.

I'd say Keif that one.

Or Daisy Whoopsie.

Okay, let's see. A suit, tie, slick back hair, breathing apparatus. Wait a second. Now I'm just dressing up like your ex-husband. John Philip Scuba, mayor of town.

He was also a great composer of marches.

Uh-huh. Yeah, marches on to the bottom of the ocean. Fucking scuba.

Put on this here dress and some makeup and I'll go as Picky Vaboop.

Oh, now you look mighty fine there, Miss Picky Vaboop.

Or I could put on these... Don't kiss him, it's not me.

I could put on these boxing trunks and these boxing gloves and go as Mickey Roak. Oh no. Two of me.

Which one to shoot? No, Wicky. Don't shoot. I just got these gloves. Please don't shoot. Yeah, you're right.

How about you take this cowboy hat and you take what's a different kind of hat?

A boy's cow hat?

Yeah.

What about this raccoon hat?

Quite likely. You can pick between the raccoon hat and the beret, your choice.

Oh, I'll do the beret.

All right. And now you need to change your voices just a little bit. You're going undercover.

What did I say with this cowboy hat? My name is Settleup and Rad.

And my name is Frenchie de Bread.

OK, remember those names. Oh, and Mickey, promise me. Saddle de Bread? What did you say?

Frenchie de Bread.

Frenchie de Bread. Hey Frenchie de Bread.

Oui, monsieur.

Promise me you'll be careful. I hear the entendre is where they deal and take. Sorry, the baby just started crying. I'll have to go get the baby. Be careful. Be careful.

I wonder what that lesbian of advice was.

I don't know, but I sure forgot to tip my hat to the lady. Five percent!

Brick and Vicky made their way back to the docks and found the entrance to the entendre. At least they think they did. There looks to be a door and a wall covered in old show posters. Cabarets, magic shows, and a poster with Coco Cashmere winking and sitting on a moonbeam. The gentleman looked a little closer at the poster and saw that the words not twice were painted on them. So they did. A window in the door rocketed open and a man with slicked back hair and the thinnest mustache in the world appeared before them.

You must be Pat Riley. Two percent of our listeners will get that joke.

State your names and your business.

My name is Settle Up and Ride. I'm from Cody, Wyoming, and I'm just a little cowgirl. I think, wait, no I just put on the hat and I'm a cowboy. I forgot, early I had a dress on and I forgot what I was wearing. I'm Saddle Up and Ride.

And my name is Frenchy the Bread. I'm from Paris, France and my Saddle Up and Ride and I are here to experience all there is to experience in the underbelly of this fancy day.

And be careful because he's part vampire. He's always saying he's going to suck my blood.

But just to be clear, the reason I have these boxing gloves on is because I hurt my hands on the plane on the way over here.

He likes to jab on his haters.

Yeah, and I can jab pretty hard on the plane.

What's your name?

Well, my name is Twigs and I run this place.

Oh, Twigs.

Would you like to come in?

What are those in your hand?

I trust that... Berries? They're Twigs.

Can you not hear me?

No, I was saying what's in your hands. I heard your name. That's what was in your hands.

You hold the thing that your name... So these two gentlemen behind you, their names are berries.

Yeah, my name's Barry. Yeah, my name's Barry, too.

All right, twigs, and you two berries.

To get in, you have to answer a logic problem.

My dad always said something worth doing is something worth doing right. And I never knew my father because he lost his head in the rebellion.

We did a password for a while but it was boring.

As in drilling a hole? Or as the password was boring. There you go, that's the password. Oh shit.

Not anymore. Here's your logic problem, not a riddle. No funny business.

Now what's the difference between a logic problem and a riddle?

I've got an idea for a funny business. What about a store that sells dog t-shirts?

Now, are you seeing t-shirts with dogs on them or t-shirts for dogs?

I feel like they do it like a gap, where they do the women's on one side and men's on the other, but with t-shirts for dogs on one side and dogs on t-shirts on the other side.

Wait, I just came up with a funny idea. Funny business. Funny business, which is maybe instead of like gap clothing, it's called fat clothing and it's just shirts to clean up your business with.

That could be a funny business. Are either one of those dudes something you are interested in? Did that answer your problem? Okay.

The day before yesterday, Peter was 17. Next year he will be 20. How?

Is he a 5'4 fighting song?

He's 17 for a moment.

The day before yesterday, Peter was 17. Next year he'll be 20. How?

Now, Peter's a dog.

No.

Peter's, uh, stargazers.

Again, not a riddle, no funny business, real math involved too.

Oh, real math. Is he born on a leap year?

No, good guess, but no.

If Peter was a dog, exactly one-half of this dog would be for him.

Now, is Peter a human being?

Yes.

Okay, now yesterday refers to the song by the Beatles. So he's been 19 for a bit, but it's just saying when yesterday was released as a single, he was 17.

The day before yesterday, he was 17.

The day before yesterday, two days ago. 17 plus 2, 19, 20. Makes sense.

Solve it. Adal Rifai, he was 17.

So if yesterday was his birthday... Damn, yesterday all my logic problems seemed so far away. And now he's 20?

Next year he'll be 20.

So he's 19 currently. So yesterday was his birthday. The day before yesterday, he was 17. Yesterday he is 18.

Oh wait, no.

Oh yes, yes. And then in one year, he will be twenty.

So two days ago, he was seventeen.

Think of an exact date on a calendar.

So if his birthday was January 1st. 9-11?

4-20?

No, a birthday wouldn't be January 1st. A birthday wouldn't be. December 31st. So December 31st is birthday. December 29th is 17th.

Next year, he will be 20.

Next year will be 20. So his birthday.

Alright. Welcome to the old Tundra.

We got the pieces, we just didn't know how to put them together.

They're doing puzzles in the back.

Oh puzzles. We're used to, well, what's the difference between a riddle and a puddle?

I don't know!

Oh boy, like the difference between a dirt devil and a tumbleweed.

Alright, let's let's drop these ridiculous accents.

Get back to what we're doing best, Brick. Well, should we at least keep on the hats in the in the parades?

Yeah, of course. Yeah, I mean, we're gonna go deeper down. I just wanted to do a little check-in with you, my best pal, before we got down there.

Alright, how you doing?

I'm okay. A little bit confused as to why my wife has so many gentlemen in her closet and also... All them guys. ...so many disguises. I'm sure I'll settle up with that later in my life, but I kind of love her, love her so much. Can't believe how lucky I am to have stolen her away from the mayor of town.

They walk to the back room and see four people sitting around a table drinking drinks of the alcohol variety. Gripp Wilson, old Jimmy Fizz, and two people they didn't recognize. A woman with a perfectly placed hat who was rolling her eyes just about as often as she could, and a man who looked a lot like Joe Pesci. Just Google image and look at his face for a couple seconds because I'm tired of describing people.

Excuse me ma'am, your hat was here on the floor. Here you are, and may I say it was perfectly placed.

But on the floor, no less! The whole of Riddle City knows this man is baby doll, the scariest mob boss this town has ever seen. He's elusive and drives brick crazy because he's never been able to bring him down. He had a cigarette hanging out of his mouth and he was doing math on a napkin on the table. Math and logic problems are illegal in Riddle City so this guy's a real fucking lunatic.

Well how do there? You must be Babyface. I heard of you. You doing mathkin? Math on a napkin?

Gentlemen, pull up a seat. What's your poison?

Well my poison is cyanide. Arsenic works for me. You're asking what kind of poison would kill us?

Cyanide on the rocks. No!

That'll kill men!

And arsenic with a little bit of salt in it.

Either way, that works for me. Speaking of, I heard that one of your former employees, Arson Nick, was setting fire in Riddle City. Know anything about that? I know a friend who was working a case about it.

You must really love your rumors. I hope you like logic problems as much as you love rumors.

Well, I don't know if there's anything I like more than Fleetwood Mac's similar album, Ruben.

Yeah, it's one of the best-selling albums of all time.

We all love that album, gentlemen.

Now let's cut to the shit now. Like a chiropractor, we're in the back room and we're- Hold on, hold on, hold on.

You're about to lose some money, because we've got to do a lot of trouble. I'm not answering any questions or getting to know you. Wait, before that, what are your names?

My name is Saddleup Minrod. And my name is Frenchie de Brando.

If anyone gets this right, the logic problem, of course, you get the money. And if you don't get it right, I get the money. Fair and square, the deal's a deal.

You gentlemen ready? If I get it right, I want her to get the money. Buyers herself a new hat. This one keeps falling to the floor. Again, perfectly placed, but here's your hat. It's falling to the floor once again.

I've been taking old Jimmy Fizz money all night, and Cripple Fizz money all night. So I bet you gentlemen won't be an exception. Here's your poison. Thank you. Don't drink it too fast. That stuff won't hit you.

Oh, just dump this out on the floor here. Oh, get it on your hat, ma'am. Sorry about that.

All right, this one's a little long and really annoying. I think we've also done something similar before. What?

You said really long and kind of annoying, just like my penis.

I just want to hear you say it again. I heard you. Ask me about my penis.

Baby doll? What's your penis like?

Is everybody just reading my t-shirt? Ask me about my penis?

Totally normal.

Perfect.

Well, yeah, I mean technically that's perfect. So you got a baby's body, a baby's face, and a probably normal penis? Does that mean it's a baby penis or normal?

Whatever. I look like Joe Pesci. Alice came across a lion and a unicorn in a forest of forgetfulness.

Sorry, you said came across a lion in a unicorn?

If only. A lion and a unicorn.

Okay.

In a forest of forgiveness. Those two are strange beings. The lion lies every Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, and the other day he speaks the truth. Maybe write this down.

You said Monday, Wednesday, and Tuesday? Yeah, there's a similar way to say that though. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday? There it is!

And the other days he speaks the truth. The unicorn lies on Thursday, Friday, Saturday. But the other days of the week he speaks the truth. And then this is a back and forth between a lion and a unicorn. Lion. Yesterday I was lying. Unicorn. So was I. Which day did they say that?

On either Monday or Tuesday or Wednesday. It must have been a Tuesday. Because the lion was telling the truth. Yesterday he was a lion, and most days he's a lion. L-I-O-N. You see, darling, what we're dealing here with is a homonym. Homonym on the range, as we say in Cody, Wyoming.

What do you think?

Well, that is certainly plausible. The lion was lion, and the unicorn was telling the truth.

So what day did they talk about it that was yesterday?

So if the line was lying, it must have been a Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday, because that's when the line tells the truth. Now if he said yesterday, that exempts Monday, right? No. I'm sorry, he lies on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. I got this all backwards. Let me do this one more time. I'm like a 10 gallon hat on a horse. I'm all backwards. Let's see here.

Can you read it one more time? Just the end part. It will be fine. It was a Thursday.

Yesterday I was lying. L-Y-I-N-G? L-Y-I-N-G. That's what the lion said. And then the unicorn says, so was I. Which day did they say that? So I guess you could also frame it of which day they were lying.

Okay, I think I got the answer to your logic problem here. December 31st. Wait, wait. Oh, I can zip.

Are you going to drink that arsenic margarita?

This is nice to make a margarita.

The salt in the room, I'll take it.

Please do. I'm sorry, I only drink French cocktails. So, no cocktails.

Champagne.

Martini. Champagne. 16th of her day. All right, all right, all right.

So is it a homonym? When the lion says lying, does he really mean lying?

Not like lying down. He means lying.

But not like what he used to preach now.

It was? It was? It tells there.

No. Fuck! So the line says, yesterday I was lying and the unicorn says, today I'm telling the truth.

So if on Thursday the lion says, yesterday I was lying, he's telling the truth because he was lying on a Wednesday, and if the unicorn says, so was I on a Thursday, he is lying because he was telling the truth on a Wednesday, which would also make us true.

Oh shit, lukewarm biscuits. I think I know the answer, but baby doll, I think they're both right because after all this logic problem was set in the land of forgiveness. And what are you doing in the land of forgiveness?

That sounds like riddle nonsense.

Okay, okay.

You're in the wrong place if you want to do a bullshit riddle.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Is there any way that the absence of this is Sunday?

Or is Sunday the Lord's Day where... I thought I'd read you the answer and then take all your money.

No, no, no. I don't want that to happen. I have a lot of French money. Can't lose all of my francs.

So, here it is. The lion said yesterday I was lying.

The unicorn stuck in a pocket. That's what French money is.

Hot pockets. So, read the last line. One more time.

The lion said yesterday I was lying. The unicorn said so was I. So one of them could be lying about that.

Yesterday I was lying, so was I. Clearly one of them was lying, so let's suss out who. Yesterday I was lying, so was I. That could be me. But yeah, the lion, uh, be a bee. I wish I would have paid more attention on my favorite podcast, Hey Logic Logic. All right. It's a frustrating show, six hours long.

How could I just read the answer?

No, because then you get our money and there's two things I don't part with and that's my pride and my horse. And so I guess you can have my money. Oh wait, my horse's name is money.

No money business.

No, no, no. Gripp certainly should not that say. I forgot what he said.

I mean, nice to meet you.

Yeah, we've never met before. They've certainly never boxed you in the head. Are we looking for a day of the week here? Yes, okay. And it's not Thursday.

It's all Jimmy Fizz over here. I think I have an idea.

Okay, well, why don't you make like a... I guess a hint for the twos of you. Yeah, we're about to say make like a dresser drawer and put a sock in it.

I guess it's in the middle of the week.

Okay, middle of the week, that would be E. Shit, I'm thinking along the lines of riddles. Middle of the week. Now, I think Wednesday's hump day. At least that's when I fuck my horse.

Well, could it be Wednesday? But I don't understand why.

He said on Sunday, so exactly one of them lied. The unicorn was honest that it would have been a Sunday, but previously we proved this wrong. Thus, only the lion spoke the truth when he met Alice on Thursday, and spoke with the unicorn about Wednesday.

Okay, we solved your logic problem. What do we get?

Wait, so wait, no, the answer is Thursday, right?

Mickey, let it go.

No! That's not my name.

Alright, you saw through my trick. I tried to get the better of you.

My name's Richard the Bread.

I'm from France.

Did you say Mickey?

No, I said... No, he's looking at my Mickey Mouse hat. Yeah?

Yeah, he's got a beret with two little circles, Adal Rifai and Mickey Mouse.

He's a Mickey Mouse theme and a French accent.

Well, steamed but willy. Steamed but willy, awesome, great. My creator had some problematic views, but let's move those away. Does that satisfy you?

Yeah, you nailed it.

And my t-shirt says, ask me about my penis.

The woman in the hat starts speaking for the first time. I saw on the paper that Marky DeMark got killed by Coco Kashmir. Pretty wild.

Mm-hmm. Wild, but we don't give a shit.

You don't?

I mean, we like, as a passing curiosity, we do.

Yes, I mean, we give a little bit of shit. Like a kid at 4 a.m.

Yeah, you do? Rick, a few drinks in accidentally let you sip that. You saw Marky alive.

You know, I saw Marky alive. Shit, uh, uh, shit, Mickey. No, hello. My name is Adal Rifai. No, my name, oh.

Suddenly, Babydell's face drops and everyone gasps.

Oh, shit, his face is on the floor next to that hat.

I may have just fallen over, but I'm here. Come back in, up on the table, and that's interesting, that's very interesting. The last time I trust the papers, well, you live and you learn, as long as you live long enough to learn.

Hmm, is that a riddle?

I've had enough fun for one night.

You were having fun?

Ah, my favorite.

I don't know how we could be anyone's favorite.

Brick and Mickey start to walk down the docks in the rain and talk about what just happened.

So why'd you keep saying Thursday? What? What are you still doing using that voice, dammit? I guess I'm too deep.

Well I'm not too deep!

I'm like Bruce Willis in Armageddon. I'm in too deep.

You're like Bruce Willis in Armageddon. Let it go.

I didn't think it through.

No, you didn't think it through.

Shake it off. I just had to take off the hat. Sorry, Mickey. No worries. No worries. So what do we just learn here?

We learn that we both own the same thing every morning. One scrambled egg and one fried egg. That makes it so much harder for the waiter to make.

Except for I provide 5% of the tip, you provide 15, so I should start carrying my weight.

I think you carry your weight pretty well. I mean, you're a bigger gentleman.

This belt does most of the work.

That's true.

It's doing the lion's share. Oh, lion on a Wednesday.

Wait, lion. That's right. Brick, you let it slip that you saw Markey in life. And that Joe Pesci looking motherfucker caught wind of that like an elephant downwind of the fog.

Why an elephant?

I met Warthog. What's Pumba?

Pumba is a Warthog.

Great. And then he led off out of there.

What we should do is we should follow him. No. Well we should probably get some sleep and make like a meerkat. Do this Timon and morning.

Suddenly the woman from the card game catches up to them.

Psst.

Do you piss? Oh she's pissing. She's pissing all over the place. She's pissing off the storm.

I know who you two are. Brick and Mickey. Come here.

Yes? Yeah.

My name is Sybil Sydney and I'm the head reporter for the Red All Over, the local paper. I'm a huge fan of the detective work you two do. I went undercover in there as well because I smelled something fishy and not just because we're at the docks.

My wife Madeline used to go under covers, but now she's under covers with the Chief of Police.

You know Chief of... Do you realize that you're talking out loud?

You know Chief of Police, if you take the first letter, is actually a cop. Are all cops chief of police? Just let them go, it's better. I don't think so. It's better this way.

All right.

Sorry. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, where were we? No, keep going. That's it. Well, that was downright dangerous down there. It's that safe.

Well I'm brave and I'm a little bit of a firecracker as you can see. A hoop to do and here we go. That's not a firecracker.

That's a stick of dynamite.

You're fucking crazy. And I caught a fish with my hands. Oh boy, I'm gonna write a story about this fish. But first I want to help you with some information and I wish I could just come right out and say it but I can't.

She definitely seems like a cokehead am I right? Ah, the old sniff and piss. I know that all too well.

Ah, I'm sorry. Here we go. One, two, and a scoops-a-doo. And I run down the street and then I run through the mall. And here we go. I'm very tall. I go to the beach just to sit. I don't even wear a bathing suit when I go. Can you believe it?

I've heard about her. I can probably go to the beach.

I want to name my son Slippenslide, but that's the name of a toy and not a boy. Here we go. What is your name again? Ricky and Mick? A little bit more cocaine? You ready for a riddle?

I would, yes. I love a riddle.

Alright. A struggling author received a present from a lady admirer. The author does not tell his wife about the cash gift, even though she's always been very supportive and understanding. How did she find out he received the money?

Because he spent it on rent. Nope. Tickets to the 25th anniversary.

Do you mind if I dance? If I tap a little while we go? You've been dancing this whole time. I have this hat and I got a bra.

That's a Chabiracoy hat. You're walking up the walls. This is virtually insanity.

One time I ate a spider but it wasn't half bad. Did you know the answer to my riddle so far?

Was it all bad?

It was all horrible. Thank you for asking. Good follow-up question. You seem like the type of guy who likes to talk to ladies.

The struggling author received a gift from an admirer.

A struggling author received a present from a lady admirer. It's a cash. The present is cash. The author does not tell us, Mike.

Are you saying president?

No, the present. I just did a bunch of cocaine in the wrong hole. I'm trying my best. You put that cocaine up your butt. Thanks so much for your support. A struggling author received a present from a lady admirer. The author does not tell his wife about the cash gift, even though she's always been very supportive and understanding. How did you find out that he had received the money?

Lipstick on his collar.

Nope. He didn't have an affair.

He wrote a book called, Thanks for All the Money.

That's hilarious. I like that. Here we go. And we're walking and we're moving. I ride the entire paper. Bitteries, cartoons. I make up couples who got married. I do all sorts of fun stuff.

Why, her eyes closed. She does not have a pulse.

Did I die? Did I die? I met God. She's nice. Let's keep going. What's the end of this room?

Okay, okay, okay. Let's think here, Rick. How did the wife find out? So, I mean, this could be anything. She looked in her drawer and saw the money. Was it because this deadbeat never has money? Is he spending it on the wrong thing? Is it because he's spending it on the wrong thing?

Is this a real pia colada song situation where the secret admirer is the wife?

My name is Sybil Sydney, and I'm the head reporter for The Red All Over, the local paper. I'm a huge fan of the detective work you two do. I went undercover. Oh, you what? You entered the riddle, right? I'm sorry. I started my introduction all over. That's the answer to the riddle. Here we go. And I'm going to give you some more information. Why don't you cut me off more? I'm not very good at keep going like this. I'm going to pass out. I'm going to throw up blood. And here we go.

I was just going to sing the Peter Colada song. But then I realized, Mickey, you don't know a single word.

5, 6, 7, 8. Give me any celebrity.

And I make a love at midnight. And the dooms are the same. And I'll do an impression of that right now. Pete and Pete.

Oh, oh, I did it. That was the impression. Here we go.

Give me another. Give me another. I'd love to see an Al and also.

I'm Alan Alda, whoop-a-doo and mash and mash. And I'm Alan, I'm Alan Alda.

Joe Pesci.

All right, you came to me for answers. Actually, I came to you because I know who you are. And here the answer to what you were looking for, which is information about what to do next.

So wait, just real quick. The answer was the wife was the admirer.

The answer is the author's wife was the lady admirer. She had recently come into small legacy and she didn't want to offend him by offering him the money directly.

Yeah, it's always offensive when a woman offers a man money.

We're going and we're moving and we're shaking some more. We're going and we're moving. Sure we are. We're hitting the floor. Hitting to hot and uh-uh-uh, and a pool about in hot and dark.

Rick, the only reason I'm not moving is she's got a Tommy Gun trained at us that she has that Tommy Gun trained at us the entire time she's been walking.

Oh, I didn't mean it in one, two, three, and I'm doing a cartwheel? Nope, I'm throwing up.

She's about to crash hard, so we better get through this.

So give me a quick recap of how much you two gentlemen know.

Okay, well you're an insane person. You're cocaine through your butthole. You fell in the water several times.

You tried to go cartwheel, but you puked. You've been levitating off the floor for 10 minutes.

You got a Jameerakoy hat. You've been walking up the walls. You threw some dynamite into this dockside water. You killed every fish in there. Then you caught one of those dead fish. You ate it, pulled it out of your mouth, and it was just the bones.

You've been vibrating so fast, you look like you're three people.

Your eyes are closed. You did a Pete and Pete impression. That was not out of the park. Excellent. And that's about all we know so far. So why don't you fill us in?

I'm talking about the case, you two idiots. You two bumblebees. You two tiny little squirrels who fall in love very slowly over time.

Oh, the case? It's a 12-pack. It's the only thing we drink here in this town.

Oh, a gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp. Here we go.

That's not what she's talking about.

Now, this case, it's 30 little cheeseburgers. It's a crazy case.

Oh good, I just drank a bunch of beer. Ready for those hamburgers? There you go. And I will rank all the fast food right now in order. Culver's is number one, everything else is number two. Here we go.

So here's what we know. We know that Mickey Rock is dead. Now we know that he's the brother of Madeleine to Mark. Wait, no, Mickey Rock's my partner.

We know that I'm dead! Alright, I'll do the recap for you. Please. You saw Marky DeMark alive, which is news to me the whole town thinks he's dead. Which means he's alive and with his sister Madeleine DeMark.

And the chief of police.

And the chief of police. Holy cow. But you just let it slip to the most scary man in town that he's still alive.

Oh yeah.

And he may have an awful big reaction, so it seems like maybe he was involved.

Maybe he was involved and he thought he was dead. So he's pulling one over on Babyface? Babydoll. Dolly boy? Dolly Pop.

So what do we do now? We gotta follow the dog. Excuse me. Excuse me, Coke Princess. What was your name again?

Well, I'm glad that you asked. I know who you two are, Brick and Mickey. My name is Sybil Sidney, and I'm the head reporter for the red all over the little paper.

I don't know if she thinks that she's still talking, but she's fast asleep.

I'm a huge fan of Detective Rick.

So why don't we do this, Brick? Why don't we take a little break, let her sleep it off.

Well, you know what? Before we go, we got one more thing to say to you. I think Marky might have been hiding in a little house in the village of Quangri. I don't know the exact location, but I know someone who does know, but you might not like who that is.

Come back here. Just tell us who it is.

You just jumped off the bridge. OK, we're going to hear from what she has, but minus a D, we're going to hear an ad. ADD. Get it? Mickey? Get it? Yeah, I can get it, Rick. Kind of.

Pretty good. Kind of fun. Oh my god. What? I got the ransom note.

Okay.

I just got the ransom note. You want me to open it? Yeah. Okay. That looks like a menu. Oh. Oh my god. This isn't the ransom note. False alarm. This is a box of hello fresh. Oh, but look at all the good stuff inside.

Oh my gosh, what do we have in here?

Well, let me back up. Of course, we're all waiting for a ransom note because spaghetti, my dog, was kidnapped. We hope she's okay. This isn't that. So we're going to go right into this. This is HelloFresh.

We hope for the best. We pray for the worst.

Now this is also a food, like my dog Spaghetti, who is both named after a food and dog a food. But this is HelloFresh. They don't use dog. This is America's number one meal kit. It's easy seasonal recipes with pre-measured ingredients delivered right to your door. All you have to do is cook and enjoy.

That sounds delicious. I've had some of these Hello Fresh meals. I've had them with my cats, Brisket and Fryz, who are also named after food items. And the food is effing delicious. I don't let them have it because I clean my plate clean. Does that make sense? Yes, yes, yes. But it's simple. It's easy. It makes me feel like I'm a big time chef in a big time city. Like I'm in El Paso, cooking up ribs.

And you can take a bite of the grocery store.

Bye-bye.

And take out food. Bye-bye take out food.

Also, because it's pre-measured ingredients and everything is really laid out for you in a beautiful way, the cleanup time is so short and that's magic. Also, there's something for everyone. I'm talking families. I'm talking calorie smart. I'm talking vegetarian for sweet little baby JPC over here. And there's a fun menu series like Hall of Fame and Kraft Burgers. Oh my God. Have you tried that yet? I really want to try it.

I haven't tried it yet. I'm looking forward to these fall ingredients.

I like that it's flexible and it fits my lifestyle. So I can add extra meals to my weekly order, I can add yummy add-ons, I can even change my delivery days, my food preferences, or I can skip a week. Like say, you know, spaghetti's kidnappers not brought to justice and I'm out there on the road hunting this person down. I can skip my hell of fresh again, pause for a week.

That's great for you because you're famously all over the place.

I'm all over the place. Trying to find this guy? Or gal? We don't know.

You're wearing shorts of her pants right now. Shorts of her pants except after her eye.

And I just gotta say, I gotta say, I want anyone listening to this to also try HelloFresh. I really do. And if you want to try HelloFresh...

How would anybody be listening to this? We're in our kitchen.

That's true, and we are talking into a box of HelloFresh. But if anyone can hear us, and they want $80 off their first month of HelloFresh, all you have to do is go to hellofresh.com slash Riddle80 and enter the promo code Riddle80. That's R-I-D-D-L-E-8-0. That's it.

Wait, that one more time? Just like one more time. Because that sounds too good to be true.

But as spaghetti would say it.

For $80 off your first month of HelloFresh, go to hellofresh.com slash Riddle80 and intercode Riddle80. It makes me sad to do the voice because she's kidnapped.

And please go to spaghetticomehome.com. If you see spaghetti, just let us know. We're looking for her.

Or go to babycomeback.com slash spaghetticomehome.

Big thing about HelloFresh, and I just mean this to be true, is every time I cook anything from it, my roommates can't believe how good our house smells. So just take that for what it is.

Hello Fresh is nature's candle. That's not a proof slogan. Well that was like no Jack Antoine but the rest of the band kind of fun. Yes indeed, Brick.

Yes indeed.

The next morning after bacon and eggs and coffee and bacon and eggs and coffee, Brick and Mickey sat in front of a sheet of glass. Brick took a deep breath, picked up the phone, and started to listen. Well, well, well, if it isn't the idiot in the tamponsies. You two thingamajigs put me behind bars. How dare you come in here to see me. You better apologize. And I can't believe I have to even ask for an apology. I'm the only one who does the emotional labor in front of me.

Now, come on, Mickey, that wasn't nice. She was screeching something at us, and it's best to listen to finish the screech.

Oh, she's still on the phone.

I thought you asked me what my favorite movie was. I did, and it's a flick.

All right Coco, all right, all right. All right, oh my goodness gracious.

Me and, uh, me and, uh, Brick over here are downright sorry about everything that we did and the condition that you had. We know that now you didn't kill Mark and Mark, because we happen to know that he's a freaking liar.

Oh yeah, you know, you know that now. I can't believe it, tampon thief. You tampon thief.

Yeah, we're really, we're really, we want to remember that part of the, okay, fine, that's fine.

It's one of my favorite things that happened in part one.

Yeah, I didn't take it home, I left it there on the floor.

Yeah, I took it home. Perfect advice. Alright, alright, before I even talk to you for one more second. Tell me some things you like about me.

Coco, I just want to say that I hate your voice.

What?

What did you just say?

I heard you're wrong because you said hate instead of laugh.

Joke's on you. Today is opposite day. It's actually Wednesday, so we're fucking lying. Well, I'm lying. He's a unicorn.

Because I'm always horny enough for what? And very rare.

I'm doing so good in here, thanks for asking.

Coco, I want to apologize. I feel like we put the case on you and that wasn't fair. You clearly are innocent and we just want to make sure that you understand that you're essential to our case and we want to work with you and not against you.

Maybe I want to stay in this jail. Maybe I love jail. You love jail? I'm bein' fusucius. I'm bein' fusucius.

Well, fusucius says that be careful what you wish for.

Oh, am I saying that right, fusucius? Sure. Sure.

Fususical, but musical.

Then I'd me chew all the gum I want in here and I'm chewin' all the gum.

Gum? Missed it the first time, got it the second time. Happy that I heard it correctly.

Yeah, yeah, people have been sniffing around here for more information. Simple Sidney from the Red all over came in here and I told her everything I know already.

Oh, that's why this glass here is covered in coke smears.

Yeah, she did a lot of cocaine in front of me.

She didn't believe she was doing cocaine on vertical glass. Oh, I just heard coke smear and I'm glad it was coke and not what I thought I was. Not a patch smear.

Well, since you're a bunch of jerks, I'm going to make you do as many riddles as I want before I give you any information.

Now, that's not the law, and even in jail you have to abide by the laws. It's one riddle per piece of information.

Yeah, yeah! What are you going to do? Hang up on me? Hold it! Hold it! Oh, hang up on me again.

Just as loud without the... Coco?

Coco?

Yes, you can. If you're willing to help us out, we'll make you like a seasonal college and spring you out of here.

All right, yeah, my riddle. A prisoner escaped from a prison and began to make... Do what you want.

What? You're in prison right now.

Yeah, I thought I'd do what prison seemed like, kind of fun. We didn't want to get you in trouble. Just because I'm in prison doesn't mean I don't have a sense of humor anymore.

Stop reading my t-shirt and get to these rooms.

Just because I'm reading it's right in front of me.

I know.

Just because I'm in prison does it? That's sort of a cruel shirt to wear for me.

Is it normal to ask me about my dick?

Is it normal? No. All right, here we go. A prisoner escaped from a prison and began to make a dash on foot. He ran for about three miles with intermittent stops to catch his breath until he saw a police car coming towards him. Instead of turning in the opposite direction and making a run for it, the man ran towards the police car briefly before turning and running into a nearby woodside. Why did the man run towards the police car?

Was he trying to cross a state line?

No.

Was he trying to cross a country line? No.

Was he trying to make the cops think he was crazy?

No. Do you think I'm crazy?

No, just your voice. Wait, I think that she was singing a song there.

Do you think that I'm crazy trying to put it in the time champagne? As he came, them little ducks. I like to sing in the prison from my friends. They love it and have only been stabbed a couple times. A man was running from the cops.

He slowed down to catch his breath. He then ran towards the cop and then into the woods.

Was he trying to cross some line of demarcation at some point?

You're close.

Okay.

But it's not quite a line.

A demarcation. That reminds me of Madeleine Demarc. You know, on vacation, we called it a demarcation because she was such a whipper snap of a tornado. We used to take turns eating each other out. What? Well, that's what we call taking each other out to eat. Eating each other out. But also, that's the alcohols. Go down and you're washed.

I'm reading your hat now. Uncle, go down on your wife.

My hat says that's my Tuesday, bitch.

Do you want to hear any of my songs?

No. We are so... You don't? I do.

All right. Tell me what of my hits that you want me to sing.

Shallows.

Tell me something, boy. Are you trying to fill my voice? I want to hear the song. Or do you need more? What song do you want to hear?

I want to hear your famous ditty, which is called... Mo' Money Mo' Problems. That's my favorite ditty. Oh boy. Well, that's a pee ditty. I want to hear your original. I want to hear the happy little cat does a happy little dance.

The happy little cat does a More money is the hottest guy in town, and he's got some happy little cats to do, a happy little dance. The cats are gonna die soon, cause they used eight of their nine lives. This is a sad song, it doesn't sound like a sad song, but it turns out it's a sad song. Tap solo, tap the solo. She's standing completely still.

Now I think I've

Do you think you have an answer to this, Riddle? I think I'm like, someone's scaling a mountain too tall. I'm at the end of my rope. Yes, well, okay.

Now, that's a... a mountain is an interesting distinction, because this could be something that has to do with height. They said that they were catching their breath every three minutes. Coco, I got a question for you. Does any of the distance that they're crossing, are they going up or down, or does that matter?

It's sort of close. It's not quite a mountain, but it's a hill. It's a different type of kind of road.

It's not quite your... Oh, I think I know what type of road. Is it an old town road?

You know my song? Yeah, can we hear old town road? I hate the song old town road, the one that plays constantly.

Okay, I'm sorry. Is it a country road?

No.

You don't want to sing that song?

Take me home to... Tonight.

I don't want to lose you at the country road. Take me home to that. Be my country baby.

Be my country baby.

Well, you know what, Coco? I'm coming around to you.

Maybe the two of us should go on the road and... Hit the road, hit it hard with the voices.

Yeah, do a little two-person show.

All right, but I only do bottom nudity on stage.

That's okay. I only do top nudity. That's exactly what a boxer would do.

We are a fun pair. This was a hard one to give a hint for without giving it away.

That's okay. You can give it away as much as you want. Do like a red hot chili pepper. Give it away now.

How'd that one go?

That's pretty much it.

All right. Okay. Well, he was halfway across this different kind of road.

Okay. Well, a rocky road. A gravel road? Kind of a road.

Yeah, he was halfway across the ice cream. You fucking idiot! You damn bug thief! I'm mad at you always.

Was it a highway?

KJ, my cellmate, thought that one was ridiculous.

Was it a, hello KJ?

Although KJ truly does feel like my cellmate sometimes in this podcast.

All right, all right, we're all trapped in here together. They're laughing. They're just sharing one brain cell. I was born in darkness. Now let's see, it was a specific type of road.

Type of road, a winding road. Could be a winding road that came back like it weaved in and out.

Why would you Why would it be logical to run towards the cop? It's a winding road. It's a safety reason.

Oh, because they had the tire slashers on it or something that the cop would be running into the tire slashers?

That's a way better answer. That's so clever.

Okay. Is it like a Paula Abdul song where he has to take two steps forward or one step back?

How's that one go?

We go together like opposites attract. Let me think, a certain type of road.

Well, it's like a road on top of something. A bridge? Ah, you got it. The tampon thief strikes again. He doesn't like that nickname. I see it wearing on him. The man was more than halfway across the bridge when he spotted the police car. So the quickest way to leave the bridge was to run towards the police car, then turn and run into the woods.

That makes sense. Now we brought you this chocolate cake. So enjoy this chocolate cake. But be careful that you don't bite down.

There's a file inside.

There's a file inside. Careful. There's a 10 by 9 file with some papers inside that give hints to how to get out. They all detail how to escape from prison.

Hints? You're giving me hints on how to get out?

Yeah. Riddles? Riddles.

That's right.

Koko, you've fallen for your own game. Now you can answer those riddles that we wrote in that file that baked into that cake, by the way. Neither one of us know how to bake a cake or what goes into one.

Pretty much a love of fudge.

So enjoy digging that paper out of that love of fudge. You old so-and-so, you crazy old. Sew it there, there and here.

Alright you jerks, maybe I'll make you do another riddle.

No, no, Coco.

No, no, no.

I'm gonna make you do one more, because I know people hate this voice, so I'm gonna make it go for long.

There's nobody here but me and Brick.

And my filmmaker KJ, who's the one who stabbed me for my voice.

What are they in for?

Being cute as a button.

Oh yeah, that's one of the biggest crimes in Riddle City. That's why two dumb shit ugly mooks like us can get away with murder.

Well don't forget, in Riddle City, cute stands for killing.

Yep, cute with a K. Keep going.

Killing. Under. Tints. Every time. And button stands for bringing.

Bringing. Underwear. Underwear to tomorrow's underwear networking event.

Who makes these up?

Spilt button rug.

Are you ready?

Yeah! Ready.

I don't love this one.

Why don't you not marry it? Why don't you make a brick deposit?

Actually, you're right. I'm actually gonna do another one.

Okay.

All right, fine. You wanna know Mackie's whereabouts? I'm not a hundred percent sure he's there, but if he's in quandary, I know where he is.

All right, just spit it out!

Get a pen and pencil.

What? I'm going to have to go all the way home.

Oh, you brought one?

Thank God.

And now you're going to write on the pencil with the pad, the address.

Oh, shit. I'm sorry. I brought a pen and teller. So will just a pen work?

That's fine. Write this down. You'll find him at one main street in Quandry. But the Macs have a little house there. Maki and I used to go there to kiss and hug until he framed me for murder. You two better get out of here. Oh, and Brick, I want you to have my locket. It might help you and bring you some clarity. Brick shoved it in his pocket and instantly forgot about it.

Sounds about right.

All right, get the hell out of here. I'm about to get my outdoor time. They send me outside and I kill all the birds in the woods with my voice.

Can we hear what that sounds like? I think we just have. Like a reverse sleeping beauty over here.

What?

Oh boy.

Here I am on the telephone singing a goodbye song to the guys who are gonna get me off of merch. Thank God she said for murder.

Well, I'm like a kid with cereal. I'm cuckoo for Coco. I think she's great.

The men took off on the train to Quandary and chatted on the train.

Why wouldn't you let me sit on the window seat? Because we didn't pay for tickets. I want to be as un-unvisible as possible.

Why don't we just have that big shouting fight about the window seat?

To distract the ticket taker from

From taking our tickets. Break you the smartest man I know. That's why you're the boss and I'm the muscle.

That's right. I'm the boss and you're the muscle. Let's see here.

You're the brains and I'm the trains. And we're on a train. And that train's taking us to quandary. And here's a quandary for you. Why didn't I get the fucking window seat? Well, I said I wanted it.

Well, because I'm the leader and you're the Peter. Does that make sense? The Peter would have been better. I'm the top dog and you're the bottom cat. I'm the head tomato and you're the heirloom to the fortune. I'm the dolphin and you're the tinier dolphin. Porpoise! Yes, you don't have a porpoise.

I don't have a porpoise if you're the king dolphin. You don't have a porpoise and I'm the king dolphin. I understand, Brick. Bully, oh boy, I can't wait to get to this shack at Main Street and really run into market and mark.

One Main Street. Now is that any Main Street or the number one? One Main Street is another man's treasure. That's correct. Uh-huh.

They made their way to a beautiful little cottage at Wong Main Street in Quandary. Marky answers the door. He's handsome, but he looks like he hasn't slept in days.

So we're looking for a marketer, Mark. Have you seen him?

It's me. It's Marky. You found me.

No, I will answer you, Riddle, but...

I'm afraid you misunderstand us, sir. We're looking for Marquis de Marc. He's a person who faked his own death.

It's me. It's me. I'm Marquis de Marc.

Tell us something only Marquis de Marc would know.

My name is Marquis de Marc.

Oh shit, it's Marquis de Marc. How would I know that? How would I ever be able to verify? Holy shit. I'll trust you, Brick. You're smarter than me.

Just come in quickly, please. Just come in.

Okay, you need to get out of the doorway.

Hold on. Is this getting out of the doorway?

You turn sideways, but you're wide as hell.

Let me turn sideways. I'm even wider sideways.

Sorry, I'm just super broad and handsome. Great.

Now I want to drink wine.

All this talk about sideways. How did you find me?

Well, we use logic and reason, deduction.

To do riddles. Those riddles got us clues, and those clues brought us to use. And also Coco gave you away, you big shit bird.

Yeah, I know. I miss Coco and I'm sure I did what I had to do. How is she?

Hey man, why? How? You miss Coco?

You talk about the drink? I miss Coco and having a little bit of marshmallows in it and also I miss the drink.

Yeah, sure. You put a little bit of marshmallow in Coco? Yeah, of course. Oh, no need to hear about this.

Well, if she's so important to you, why'd you frame her, Marky?

I know, I did what I had to do with my monster. I know, can you just do her voice with me really quick so I just feel like she's here?

Okay, my name is Coco Chanel, and what I've got is what you want. Say, give me a song. No, Coco Cashmere, give me a song. You want to hear one of my hits?

That's not how it goes, it goes like this.

My name's Coco Cashmere, and I'm the Danny. It's a living. Give me a, say a song.

Um, how about your song? Um, Bubbles in My Drink and also in the Sky.

Well, I'm sitting at a table drinking drinks with the bubbles, and up in the sky there is nothing but the truffle, but it winds up to me drinking an effervescent juice. Oh my God, I love my moose. My moose's name is Steve, and he's always on the phone. Get off the phone, you're running up the bill. Speaking up the bill, I gotta kill my duck. Nasty little boy who tries a monster truck. Well, it's got four tires. It just feels like she's here. Stop. 12 more minutes.

Oh, it's something she would say. All right, I'm sorry. Just come in and sit. If you just answer my riddle, then I can just tell you whatever you need to know.

Here's what we want to know before you pose the riddle just so you know what you're getting yourself into and agreeing to.

Your vocal cords are bleeding. I can see it.

I'm out of my eyes. Why did Madeline leave me? That's what we're here about.

What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers? What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers? Me timbers!

Wait, what lies at the bottom of the sea in shivers? I hate eating cut, hush puppies in the cold. Long John Shivers.

Long John Shivers. Coldest restaurant in the city.

Truly my vocal cords are ruined.

I can't be softer. How do you think I feel?

It's not that damn mayor of town, John Philip Scuba, is it? He's always at the bottom of the sea.

I can't wait to play that the next episode. I'm fully out of voices, if you could probably tell.

For sure. So what lies at the bottom of the sea in shivers? Is it a worm? On a fishing line? Is it is this a pun?

No, that's very good and very funny.

Is it a pun?

Yeah, it's sort of, I guess you can, well it's not a pun, but I guess you could call it a... In that vein?

Something that shivers is cold. So cold, freezing, goosebumps.

Shilled.

Is it a fish?

No.

Is it a person? Is it an object or is it a living being?

It's an object. Is it an anchor of sorts?

You're closest with anchor. When you're in prison you might make a shiv and people who stab with shiv are shivers. What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers?

Is it a shipwreck? The daughter on the floor.

You're getting close.

One of those words is shipwreck. It's the correct word.

What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers?

A wreck loose, a wreck. Wreck them, damn you killed them. So if it's a wreck, why would it shiver? Are these like the people that perished in a shipwreck that have floated to the bottom of the sea?

No, it's a play, it's like a joke. It's more of a joke, I don't know.

What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers? Is Quandary in Joketown? Yeah, just on the border of Joketown.

We're just on the border of Joketown and Riddle City.

So it has something to do with wreck. Is the wreck something to do with a ship or a boat or a vessel?

Wreck is the word in it. If someone wants to make one of those maps that's at the beginning of a fantasy book, it's Puz Town, Joke Town, Riddle City.

That's not part of the riddle, right?

No.

Okay, gotcha. Can you answer my question?

A fan art. Yeah, it's like a wreck is one of the words. It's what lies at the bottom of the sea in shivers. I can't say much more without giving it away.

And it's a joke. Bottom of the sea in shivers. Something with wreck. Home wrecker. Something to do with cold. Cold wreck.

Cold press. Is cold in there at all? No. Where do shivers come in?

Yeah, it's a reason why maybe you would shiver.

I'm a wreck.

I'm a total wreck. I'm a... It's Ima?

It starts with Ima? I'm a blank wreck. I'm a wreck. Absolute wreck. Fucking wreck. I'm a scared wreck. I'm a spooky wreck. I'm a... I'm afraid.

I'm a fear wreck. I'm a nervous wreck.

You didn't get it, but I'll... Why would you shiver if you're nervous? What the fuck?

Well, I'm shivering right now.

It's cold in here. Because it's freezing. It's absolutely... What do you get? The AC sets of 51.

I really like Long John... That's a refrigerator.

Wait, let me see this book here. Broken jokes. This ain't no good. Let me read another one here. What has two feet and blood for a head? Elefino.

I love it.

Makes no sense. Let me see this book of broken jokes. Let's see. What's got 50 teeth? 50 razor-sharp teeth? It can turn on a washing machine. Crocodile? What is this book? Get this book the hell out of here.

I need another one. I love them.

Alright, here you go. Pass it back to you, Brick. Okay, what does a happy kid say on his birthday? Dead by dawn? What? Yeah, Brick, you read another one.

Okay, what did the Unabomber put on his train? Anthrax? What is this book?

Let me see this book here. Knock, knock. Who's there? Knock, knock. Who's there? Banana. Who? Banana. Who? Banana. You. You who? Chocolate milk. Nesquik?

Break me in another one.

Did you say break me in another one? That's you, my friend. Go ahead. Well, I called my own shots.

Babe Ruth in it over here. Let's see here. What do you call a candy bar with no chocolate? Payday? Well, that was pretty good. More of an observation than a joke, but that's what I'm talking about.

Let me take this book and a bah! Kicked it into space, all right now.

We're indoors, went straight through the roof.

Sorry about that.

Sorry about that.

It'll be warmer in here, that's a good thing. Now Markey, tell me what's going on.

Okay, okay, fine. I owed a lot of people a lot of money.

We knew that.

So Madeline, the Chief of Police, helped me get off the map for a little bit.

Thanks, got it, set off the map. Well, famously, minutes ago, you described the map and you're very much on it. Quandrie was below.

I'm trying to get up. I'm just trying to stay out of the spotlight. Someone else in the room?

The mayor of town, John Philip Scuba.

I don't think you've been paying attention. His daughter took over for him.

What? You're tired. The mayor's daughter is me. Wait, did I miss something?

Who's the mayor's daughter? No, you're right. It's Mia Scuba.

Yeah, it's Mia Scuba.

Mia Scuba's Mia Copa.

Mayor Mia Scuba's Mia Scuba.

Hold on, let me get that cleaned. That's what I say when I order dessert. May I be a scooper? May I be a scooper? May I copa with baby face?

Wait, and didn't May I be a scooper? Just get married? May I be a scooper? May I copa? And she's a culprit. So, married, may I... You guys get to the tune of Copacabana.

And baby face goes by King Cobra. Monkey Koopa.

Married Maya.

You both sound like... Maya Scuba. You both sound like Sybil Sidney right now. Just talk in a mile a minute.

Listen, I'm insane and these are my puppets, so please get to the point.

I think she's addicted to... It doesn't matter. But I think they saw me down at the docks. They saw me see them. And even worse, I think the shipment was... Oh, hold on. I need a drink. And I'm going to go get some brandy from the kitchen. I'll be right back. Okay. Talk amongst yourselves.

Put some more juice in it.

Alright, okay, okay.

Okay. Well, no, she's drinking brandy. She wants to put some, uh, we're singing that song with brandy. Monica? Yeah. Thank you. All right. Oh, I love friends. Yeah. I love being friends with you. Oh, speaking of, uh, can I have your apartment? Let's switch apartments. Hey, we do it once a year. Why not? Yeah. Remember that time I had a duck as a pet? That was kind of fun. Rick, we got to concentrate. All right. Oh, orange juice. Now I want orange juice. Mia? And Baby Face. Yes, married Mayor Scuba. Mayor Copa is a culprit. Copa Cabana.

And she's working with him. And another party yet to be named. And they're bringing something into the city. Riddle City. The city we live in. The city we're switching apartments in.

Just then they heard a smash from the kitchen.

Somebody once told me the world... Rick, let's get in there! Guns drawn and I'll drop my dukes!

They rush and see a wide open window, shattered glass, and the golden brandy and orange juice start to mix with Markie's red blood. He was dead.

Oh no.

Rick and Mickey rushed to the window, saw a car speed away. They couldn't see the faces of the people in it, but Rick would recognize that red coat that the getaway driver was wearing.

Carmen Sandie.

He never forgot a past love's favorite jacket.

So how are we doing Adal and JPC?

Fucking loving it. We have one more of these and the mystery will be solved and we'll put all these characters to death.

Oh good.

Anything to plug?

Erin, how are these to make?

They're so fun to make. Part 3 is definitely my favorite so far. I've written all of them.

I think I was talking about these cookies.

How are these to make? I actually don't know how to make cookies, so those are a pile of fudge.

I want to plug a few things. It feels so weird to switch into our normal voices. Erin, this is fucking awesome. Thank you so much.

I'm so glad that you're having fun.

I do want to plug, we do have a new piece of merch. It's Patreon only in our store on Tpublic.com. This is by Jasmine Darnell. You're going to want to follow her at Jasmine Darnell. That's at J-A-S-M-I-N-D-A-R-N-E-L-L. It is a Baby Baby Crab Rangoon shirt. You can also get it as a sticker or a tote or a mug or anything you want. So please check that out. You do have to be a Patreon member to get access to that. And also speaking of, join our Patreon. It's only $5 a month. You get new episodes every single Friday. Less than a dollar an episode or more than a dollar an episode, I forget.

It can't be much more or less than that.

We have over 30 episodes on the Patreon, including all of our live shows. We have a road trip. We have Hey Relationship Relationship, which is one of our favorite things we've ever recorded. Couples counseling. We remade Homeward Bound. We have a pilot for a podcast called Phrase the Roof. We've created superheroes for ourselves. We have an Escape the Room special. We have a four-part D&D series called Six Weeks Till Sunup. All kinds of stuff. You're going to want to check that out. That's at patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle.

And I would like to plug my, you can follow me on social media. It's at jpsofly on Twitter, at sharkbarkman on Instagram. Mariah has also recently made an Instagram for spaghetti, a spaghetti exclusive Instagram. It is at Gooty Girl. Girl is G-U-R-L, G-U-D-G-O-O-T-I. So follow Gooty Girl and look at more pictures of my freaking dog.

Follow me, Erin Keif, 10 on Instagram and I'll have information about a web series I just made and shows that I'm in on there.

And Erin, the character of Mickey Rourke's wife, she's called Vicky de Poop, but she was actually at one point called Vicky de... JUPITER! Bye forever.

Hey Riddle Riddle. Created by Adal Rifai. Starring Erin Keif.

That was a hate gun podcast.