Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Hey, you guys know how lately I've been really having fun with the Swedish chef? Yes, absolutely. Well, I'm not only the greatest Swedish chef impersonator, I'm also the sweetest chef. I cook at home more and more, and the reason I cook at home more and more is because of HelloFresh. They make cooking at home, so can you let me finish?

HelloFresh, America's number one meal kit?

Yes. Okay.

Okay!

They make cooking at home so much fun. I love watching cooking shows when they fill a ramekin with salt and pepper. Everything's already pre-proportioned and they just dump it into a... Donkey sauce! Donkey sauce, Guy Fieri. That's my favorite thing to do. And now I do it at home because HelloFresh gives you everything you need for the meal. It's all pre-proportioned. You feel like you're a GD hero. You're just rocking and rolling. I put on some podcasts. I put on some music. I dance in the kitchen. And I have a coochin. Yes, that's right. It's a kitchen built by Ashton Kutcher.

Ashton Kutcher?

Well, actually, he punked you. That's not a kitchen. Oh, is it Ashton Martin? Yeah. And recently, I made a few meals that they sent me. This is from their vegetarian meal because my girlfriend and I are eating vegetarian when there's the two of us. So we had some penne rustica with a kick that's tossed with asparagus, tossed with a little crispy panko. One of the best things I've had in this year, 2019, the year of penne.

That sounds so good.

What I love about HelloFresh is it's so flexible because it can fit your lifestyle. Say you want extra meals to your weekly order, they can do it. Maybe you want to change your delivery days. Maybe you want to change your food preferences if you give up being a vegetarian like a coward. Oh, it's just on certain days. Great. Or maybe you want to skip a week. HelloFresh is flexible. You can do all of that with HelloFresh.

Get things like family recipes, or calorie smart, or vegetarian when you're not a coward, I guess. And a fun menu series like Hall of Fame Craft Burgers, which is what I think I want to try next.

I will say JPC misread that. It is when you are not cow ward, so then you're not going towards beef. And I do want to mention another veggie recipe I had, which is the veggie chiles rianos. Am I saying that right? Sure. Rianos. With avocado salsa and zesty crema, it made me feel so cool to make this. It made me feel like I was an international chef, much like the Swedish chef.

So say goodbye to endless grocery store trips and takeout food. Hello Fresh.

It's got you covered baby! You know what's so exciting? What's that? Is that they add yummy add-ons to your order, like garlic bread and cookie dough. Are you kidding me, HelloFresh?

Okay, so I know we've talked a lot about HelloFresh, but you guys who listen to the podcast, you can also get HelloFresh. For $80 off your first month of HelloFresh, just go to hellofresh.com slash Riddle 80 and enter Riddle 80. That's R-I-D-D-L-E-A-E-D. HelloFresh.com slash Riddle 80, and you get $80 off your first month!

R-I-D. Delicious meals. It's like receiving- E-L-E. Everything's tasty.

Adal, I can't stress this enough. It's like receiving eight meals free. Or it's like getting $20 off your first four boxes. It's like both of those things. So I want you to try it. You want to try it. What's holding you back? If there is someone holding you back, you need to say something. You need to tag the podcast. Are Twitters the best way, probably?

Hello Fresh!

The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of lights. Oh, the ventricle finished. It was the cabin of an airplane. He stabbed him with an icicle. And the horn of the Friday.

Cuck-a-riddle-doo, it's Hey Riddle Riddle. Is that one fun? Yeah, sure. That was a, uh, of pleasure. You know, like when you're... It's like a cock-a-doodle, it's cuck-a-riddle. You know like when you, you fuck a riddle in front of its, uh, spouse? What's a spouse of a riddle?

Lateral thinking puzzle?

Hey Riddle Riddle, the cat in the fiddle. The fuzz jumped over the moon.

I'm a riddle but my husband's a puzzle. Can we have a t-shirt that says, Riddles can fucking get it. Good morning everyone. Good morning everyone. That was like a cool morning announcement.

Good morning everyone. We're recording this episode at 6 a.m.

Lunch will be Salisbury steak with a side of tabletops.

We are skipping Bee Period today.

That's famously when bees at that time of the honey.

Yeah.

Is that the top of the hive?

Hey guys, nothing's changed since you came. Since you last were here.

And I'm JPC. And you're listening to Hey Riddle Riddle, a podcast about riddles and three people with personality disorders.

Who's old man puzzles this morning?

That would be Adal Rifai.

Zaddy?

Old Zadarans himself.

Zadirifai.

Zaddy, daddy do! Zaddy, we can't wait. Big Zaddy. Let's get into some, just because it is 6 a.m. I must be lonely.

Nobody talked to me until I've had my coffee.

Nobody talked to me until I've had my riddles. We've done that one, right? Oh, we must have. Nobody talked to me until I've been cuckolded?

Have we done that one? Have we done that one?

Probably. Don't talk to me while I'm being cuckolded.

Wait until... Or talk directly at me. Look directly at me.

That's something that's good for me. Because it's a sex thing for me. I'm getting... I'm having a great time doing it.

I'm having a great time. I went to my friend, you know, Patty Rolls. Yeah. He got a new apartment up in... I can't remember what area he's in. But anyway, he got a new apartment and he wanted to show me the place. And it was fantastic. But in his room, it's like a pretty small room. And there's like a bed and a rug and closet space. And then weirdly in the corner, just like crammed in there, can barely move, is a stool facing the bed. And immediately I just laughed and he goes, what? And I go, is that where you sit while your wife cuckolds you? And he goes, what? No. It was like the most sincere answer and I was like, oh dude, I'm joking. Do you have a chair in your bedroom, either one of you?

I do.

I have like a recliner, like I have a little library nook in my bedroom. Okay, and Erin, what's your chair?

Um, so I had a rocking chair for a long time, and then I recently replaced it with just like this soft, nice chair that mostly I throw laundry onto.

A laundry chair?

Yeah. On a laundry chair.

Any chair in a bedroom becomes the laundry chair. Exactly.

I have three chairs in my bedroom.

What?

I have a desk chair, I have a vanity chair, and then I have my big chair.

And you're... okay.

I have a really small bedroom and my roommate gets mad at me that I put too much furniture in there.

Sounds like it. Yeah, it sounds like you have way too much. Let me ask you this. Are any of these chairs, you said vanity chair, desk chair. Are any of these chairs facing your bed?

Yes.

Which one?

The big chair.

The big chair is facing your bed? And do you sit on it and look at your bed? You just use this for laundry.

I use it for laundry. Sometimes my roommate, when I'm sitting on my bed, will come in and she'll sit and she'll talk to me.

In the chair? In the chair. Got it. You can say a Shiroji stories.

She reads me stories when it's thunder and lightning outside and I can't get to sleep.

And Adal the chair in your bedroom, facing towards your bed? Nope, faces the TV and again it's in like a little nook and the nook has four bookshelves in the corner. So it's like four bookshelves form a corner of my bedroom and then in the middle of it at an angle facing the TV is a recliner.

and you did it all for the library nutty this is my new place is the first place I've lived in maybe since like high school I guess because I had a TV in my room where I do not have a TV in my bedroom anymore because I was like no more TV in bedroom I don't want to watch TV in bed I want

But that's the best, to fall asleep to something?

No, so I fall asleep every night to my Google Home sound of rain. When I say goodnight, it turns off all the lights and then plays the sound of a thunderstorm. I've been doing this for like a month now. I fucking love it. It's so great.

How much is a Google Home? 100 bucks. Can I tell you honestly? Yeah. Nature's free. It rains all the time.

Nature is not free.

Nature's free. No, actually nature's not free and we are ruining it. The Amazon is burning.

The real reason I bought the chair is because I thought I'm gonna sit into this in this chair and for like 20 minutes every night I'll sit on my phone and do phone stuff in this chair and then keep it plugged in over here so I'm not on my phone.

Smart.

But I have done that one time and I've had that chair for several months.

Wow. And you had the other two chairs famously because you started to do improv scenes in your room?

Yeah. So I asked this because I was a friend of mine who I don't believe listens to the podcast, but they will remain nameless. I was seeing their apartment for the first time, much like your situation, and they were showing me their second bedroom. I'm sorry, this is their primary bedroom. They had their bed and I could see their bed in there and then I was I was just walking by because it's like when someone gives you a tour their house and they're like this is the bedroom you don't like go in and like look at their bedroom right because it's their bedroom.

Will you be honest with me did they say this is where the magic happens?

No they didn't but they are a magician and that should help you get it no but they I like looked in from the hallway and there was their bed in the corner and then there was a chair facing directly at the bed and I like I didn't say anything but I wanted to be like What the fuck is this chair for? What is that chair for? Why a chair facing directly towards the bed? Was it for Elijah? I think so. I mean, my friend is Jewish and he does have many empty chairs for Elijah in his house.

Elijah might not just want to sit at the dinner table. Elijah is, you know, busy. He's got stuff to do. Elijah in the bedroom? Elijah in the living room. Why not? Put Elijah's in the bedroom. Put Elijah's in the bedroom. He can be Jewish at any time.

But is that not weird? That is very weird. But Erin also has a chair facing her bed and the roommate conversation thing kind of makes sense.

Yeah, it's for company.

Yeah, I guess it's for company.

So she doesn't have to come and sit on my bed to talk to me.

But this is a friend of mine who, it's him and his girlfriend. They could both sit in the bed and talk.

Could someone read in that bed?

I guess so, but why not just turn it the other way? There's a window. Face it towards the window. Or the walls. I completely forgot this is a riddle podcast. This is the greatest riddle of all.

What is with my fucking friend and his chair facing the bed? What is with my friend? I want to see a scene.

Can I just say, I want to hear from the listeners about this as well when this comes out. Please tweet at us at heyriddleriddle, is that our Twitter? I think it's H-R-R-P-O-D-K. It is Hey Riddle Riddle. I never say the name of our Twitter. I don't tweet myself. So at Hey Riddle Riddle, if you hashtag chair to the bed, hashtag chair to the wall. Hashtag chair to be stupid.

Hi Riddle.

Put it out there. If anybody has a friend who always says, this is where the magic happens, I want you to take a video when they show you their bedroom and say, this is where the magic happens. I want you to immediately launch into, yeah, because you made your wife disappear. Record that. Put it on Twitter. Hashtag, I just lost a friend.

Oh my God. All right.

If someone ever says to me, this is where the magic happens, I'll just point to my penis and say, I have sex with my penis.

Oh, I do want to say, speaking of bedrooms, just real quick, Gem and I just adopted a cat, and we got a little kitten on brisket.

Name brisket? So we have official name? That was going to be Podcat.

Podcat was Rob White's suggestion, and honestly the funniest of them all, but we already have a cat named Fries, and we wanted to stick with food themes, so now we have Fries and Brisket, and out of the three hosts, we have three pets, and all of them are food. Yeah, that's true. And JPC, you can't, for gastronomical morale reasons, you can't ever meet my kitten, is that right? Yes, I can't meet your kitten.

Maybe AT. I can't eat your kitten.

And I wouldn't want to.

Well, I'm gonna get a Chinchilla named...

Hey Riddle Riddle.

Yeah, mail me a chinchilla.

Poke the mail full of holes. Oh god, you poked the holes while it was still in there.

Oops. That was nice. We have to do puzzles or we're going to get fired.

I stabbed the death chinchilla in the mail. Yes, Headgun has sent us several emails that will drop us from the network if we don't do puzzles.

Here we go. We're going to do some warm-ups, not very many, but it is 6.15am, so here we go. I sizzle like bacon. I'm made with an egg. I have lots of backbone, but not even one leg. I peel like an onion, yet still remain whole. I'm long like a fishing pole, but I fit in a hole. What am I? This is one thing.

Can you read it again, please?

Yep. I sizzle like bacon. I'm made with an egg. I have lots of backbone, but not even one leg. I peel like an onion, yet still remain whole. I'm long like a fishing pole, but fit in a hole.

A snake.

What was your answer, J.P.C.? In embryo. It is the Nirvana album in utero. Erin, you are 100% right. It is a snake. Woo! I sizzle like bacon?

I have not cooked bacon in a long time, but I do not think it makes a snake sound.

I love that you said that like Bill Quinton. I have not cooked bacon. I did not fuck that bacon. I want to see a scene. Erin, you're going to be a snake. JPC, you are a flight attendant. Great, and what's the scene? I got your snake ass.

Snakes don't have asses.

Bucket your seatbelts. So this will be a literal snake on a plane and Erin, JPC, I just want you to be a flight attendant who's maybe a little concerned about a snake being on the plane.

Um, I'm so sorry to bother you. Okay, it's no bother. Someone's sitting in my seat, I think. Do you mind if I just like sit in another seat?

Actually, ever since 9-11, everyone has to sit in the seat that they were assigned.

Oh great, then can you just help me? I just don't want to bother the person who's sitting in my seat.

Can I see your ticket?

Yeah.

Okay. So, this isn't a plane- You're imitating me?

I'm sorry? You're imitating my voice?

I would never do that unless you were from the south, and then I would do that to meet you at your level. That's true.

People do that.

Okay, so I'm looking at your ticket, and it looks like this isn't a ticket to be on this plane.

I mean, it is. I'm 18B, so... Uh, yes.

You... Squeak, squeak, squeak. I'm 18A. Can I switch these? Squeak, squeak.

You're actually in 18B. You're in her seat.

Oh, I'll find another one. Squeak, squeak.

Sorry, that man's shoes need oil.

I'm a clown!

Is there anything else that I can get you to make you more comfortable on the plane?

So maybe like a blanket.

Okay, so you're cold-blooded.

Do you actually need... Just like for cozy purposes. Could I have like a whiskey too and maybe some pretzels?

How old are you?

You have to be 12 to have pretzels.

I'm 12 days old.

This is your Tennille speaking. We're going to take off in five minutes if anyone's not supposed to be on the plane. What's this, a Southwest flight? Oh my god.

I'm sorry, yes?

Yes. Yes, what?

You're peeing.

Oh, I am.

Yes.

Oh, yeah.

Well, now we'll have to get a blanket to stuff up.

Sorry, I'm just a little too big for my skin and here we go. Zip!

Zip! Zip! Zip! Zip! Woo-wee! She's scatting.

Okay, that snake is scatting.

I'm so sorry ma'am. Sir, clown, could you please go back to your seat?

Get this clown out of here.

That is my favorite intuit scene we've ever had. It just aired as a snake scatting.

Here we go, another warm up.

Hey Riddle.

Can we have a hint?

Oh wait, a boxer and his corner man? No.

But that makes sense though. They don't touch gloves. No, boxing referee says separate. Touch gloves, now separate.

I want to see a scene.

I don't.

Okay. You two are boxers in the ring and you're like historical great rivals to each other and things are getting a little too heated.

Well, well, well. Ah, here we go. Dukes up. That's my name.

Round one!

Dukes up. Famous boxer, Dukes up. You never should have stepped into the ring with Diamond Popcorn Shrimp Joe. I'm gonna clean your clock, Dukes. You gonna clean my clock? I'm gonna clean your clock.

Diamond Popcorn Shrimp Joe, you better, you better get ready to have that jaw reset because I'm gonna break it. Yeah, I hate it. I'm gonna make that jaw like a Kit Kat. Uh-huh. And break, break me off a piece.

Give us a second. We haven't seen each other in a while. How have you been? I'm good.

How's Carol? Carol is good. Great. Yeah, she's good. Any specifics? She moved to Phoenix. She's seeing someone else. Okay, it was your sister. But she's doing it. It's okay if she sees someone else.

No, no, I'm just saying. I'm just saying.

How was Phyllis?

Oh Phyllis is good. She took the kids to Phoenix. Oh.

Yeah, she is seeing someone else. Oh, wow. Yeah, that's right. Well, I forgot that you are my brother-in-law, so that makes sense.

Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yes, yeah. Does it? What is that? The brother-in-law? Let's do a riddle.

We're doing a riddle. Hold on, we're doing a riddle. Okay, so if my sister moves to Phoenix... You got your tattoo removed. Yes, I did.

Okay.

I used to say, why no forever, and now it says... Oasis. I love Oasis. And he used to say, what? Why Adal Ritchie? Uh, yes. He used to say, he says, I am a why no Ritchie.

Round two!

Oh boy, we gotta get some hits in. Oh, speaking of why no Ritchie. Hits in. Look, I got so many hits in. Dancing on the ceiling.

Round three!

Wow, okay. I guess I better finish you. Okay, I guess I better finish you.

Uppercut! Oh, and you're ducking a mess. How you can... You keep calling it out. How you can... Hey, come, it is. Okay. Yoga flame. Dukes up.

We do this... Every day. Every day. We're two characters in a video game, much like Black Mirror.

Uh-huh. And the kid who plays us left the controller on the ground, and when did you get a push-pop?

Hey, gentlemen, everyone went home. I'm sorry? Yeah, you didn't fight at all. You've been holding hands and whispering in each other's faces.

Okay. And everyone left?

Yeah.

So we can be together?

Yeah.

You stick around. So we can fuck like in that episode of Black Mirror.

I'm gonna sit in this chair facing Floor Soup.

Facing this bed in the ring.

What did you think of that episode?

I thought it was kind of weird.

Yeah, but like kind of good, pretty good actors in it. Kind of good, yeah.

Brings up some interesting conversations, but uh... Kind of like this episode. See... Your hint for this one is... I don't remember the riddle. They don't touch when you say touch, but they do touch when you say separate. What are they? Think about the idea that you have to say the words. They don't touch when you say touch. But they do touch when you say separate.

Oh, it's letters that are separate.

It is KJ Snyder. Letters separate? Wait, what? And speaking of KJ, they're giving you a hint in the booth.

They don't touch when you say touch.

Lips, lips, lips.

It's lips. It's the band kiss.

Lips!

Hot lips. Touch. Touch.

Kiss me under the moon and moon.

Lead me.

I want to see a scene.

By your father's map.

We are a bunch of kids who are like 13 and we're at a boy-girl party and we are playing Spin the Bottle.

Okay. Spin, spin, spin, spin, spin, spin, Spin City is my favorite show. What are we going to do tonight?

Um, I, uh, have this, uh, this is probably so stupid, but like, it's an empty like glass Coke bottle. You know, there's like vintage Coke bottles.

Oh yeah.

And I thought we'd like maybe lay it on its side and like turn it and like whoever it faced has to kiss the person who turned it. Isn't that like kind of dumb, but like sort of fun?

This, I mean, it sounds kind of fun, but this is a huge change of pace for you, Gladys, because you usually want to do coke. Yeah.

Okay, well, I'm working on that. I found it by accident. I love it, but I found it by accident.

Speaking of found it by accident, remember like a week ago when we all found that body on the train tracks by accident?

We're not gonna talk about it.

I am still shook. Okay, we don't have to talk about it, but we all did. It was a life body and it was a person that we killed.

Just you guys.

Yeah. So just it's one of those things I've been feeling horrible guilt about.

Stays between us. Now who wants to kiss?

Okay.

Okay. Here we go. Here I got it.

I'm going to spit in the bottle. Okay. And Gladys, it landed on you. So you have to kiss the dead body because it's pointing the end of the bottles, pointing between the train tracks.

So you spun it. It's pointing at me.

But is it supposed to be like a, like a compass? Like one end points towards you, the other end is pointing back to the train tracks.

Wait.

Can you explain the rules real quick just one more time?

Okay, I'm going to spin the bottle right now. Okay, go ahead. And whoever it points to... Your nose is bleeding.

Uh-huh.

Is it?

Okay, now it's pointing directly at the dead body by the trade dress. So, if I understood the rules that you explained, now I feel like you have to go to the train tracks and just the body of the person we all killed a week ago?

Yeah, I'm going to be back in 11 hours. We should mention that it's a body of an animal.

Oh yeah, it was an animal. It was the man who plays animal on the muffins.

Oh, here we go. Last warm-up Riddle. Melissa went to dinner with Andrew, George, and Ulysses. She ate alone, but they all showed up afterwards to pay for it. Why so? Their money. Their mummies. They're all paper money. Paper machine.

She was eating alone at the restaurant, but she can't because she's strong.

She was eating alone at the restaurants, but it's okay because she was paying in cash.

Can I say something about eating alone at restaurants? No. It's one of life's great pleasures. It's so easy to do. It's so nice. I've done it a billion times. What are you talking about? When I worked in retail, I ate at restaurants alone all the time on my life.

Is this like a revelation?

No, but I think to me that's the easiest, most obvious thing to do in the world is eat alone. And I have, I know so many people who are like, I would never go to a restaurant and eat alone. Or I did that once and it blew my mind.

So I love eating alone. And I was just in, I was just in Kansas City recently and I went to, they have a famous tiki bar called Tiki Cat, which was incredible. It's like a little speakeasy. and I made a reservation for one and I went down there and just sat alone and drank tiki drinks for like an hour and a half and the couple down at the end of the bar was like obviously making fun of me and like would come like when they walked by they'd be like having fun i'm like i'm having a great time yeah but it's just it is funny that there's that stigma of like you know who loves it who loves it when you eat alone in a restaurant erin the waiter

Because they get to have their spot in the rotation taken up by a one-top. And that's great because they make half as much money as they would if they sat two people with the same amount of time. That, it's so fucking great for a waiter. Well thank God. But you tip like an asshole.

I'm an introvert and I tip very well. Thank you very much.

Oh, thank you very much.

I just loved it when I was waiting tables and they were like, hey, we sat, you know, I'm like, great. And they were like, it's one teenager. And I was like, oh good. Shall I make no money this next hour of my life? Where did you work at? O'Charlie's. What is that? Is that the Irish part? It's an Irish chain. It's like an Applebee's Chili's. It's a chain restaurant.

I want to see a scene. Japies, you are you. How old were you when you worked at O'Charlie's? 18 years old. 18.

I'm O'Charlie's and the great best kids.

O'Charlie's. Stuff in my face with rolls from the kitchen. So you're going to be 18-year-old Japes. Erin, you're going to be sitting in a booth, just you. And Japes, this is actually the last conversation you have with the customer before you walk out and quit.

Hey there, we waiting for some other people? I will drop off a water.

Hey, um, you know what? Can you just do me a favor? Sure, absolutely. I'm John by the way. Hi. Hi, I am Amy and I am sitting here. Um, could you just go through like one by one each menu item and tell me how it would make my tummy feel?

Um, sure Amy.

So like water's at the top here. What do you think?

So are you waiting on a larger party?

No, it's just me here. I thought maybe I would read.

Okay. As you get your phone out, maybe you want to pull up the contacts and send some text messages. Maybe get some other friends in here.

I'm good. I have my friends Elizabeth Barrett and Mark Darcy right here. I'm going to read Pride and Prejudice here at the table.

Okay. It couldn't possibly be your friends. I'm sure if... Well, they're from the past in the fictional. Darcy ever met you, he would walk all over you in order to get to the next least most interesting person in the world.

Yeah, because you're right. I'm more of a Jane.

Uh, you're more of a Jane Eyre in where I'm saying all of the Eyre is sucked up from this room.

So John, what do you think? What's this, uh, what are these nachos gonna do to my tummy?

I don't know, I hope they make you shit for years. Hey John, can I talk to you for a second?

I hope I talk to you for a second.

Hey Dan.

Hey, um, what's going on over here with that customer?

Oh, so this is a person who is eating alone at a restaurant.

Hi, I'm Amy.

This is Amy, and she wants to just talk to me exclusively.

Okay, hi Amy. I'm Dan. I'm the manager of the Los Angeles Dodgers. I'm a friend of John's and I was just here to eat. I just wanted to say hi. Hi. Take care. He's the manager.

Hey, Dan. Yeah. Go Dodgers. Go Dodgers. Okay Amy, what's going on?

Use a real Mr. Darcy type. You're like Mr. Beckham. You're like the, who's the shitty short one who wants to fuck his cousin?

I don't know, my temper? See, I don't know, Danny DeVito? Here we go. Let's get into the main clues.

I'm the Danny DeVito one.

We're gonna get into the main course clues because I'm hungry from that scene from O'Charlie's. Erin, I do ask that you give us, so we had our morning announcements. It's now time for first period and I want you to let us, we're gonna hear a little bell ring right about here and you're gonna let us know we're going on to our main puzzles.

Okay, students, we're going on to our main puzzles. Quick reminder to vote for homecoming king and queen so we can know who in this high school is going to peak early. Have a great day!

And we are going to, Sarah, we are also going to give the kids 30 seconds to do their homecoming speeches. Okay.

Oh, right now?

Yeah, to present themselves for court.

Oh, okay, okay. First up... I like your tie, by the way.

Thank you. It was an anniversary gift.

Oh, um... Guys, the mic's still on. Oh, okay. Oh, I'm sorry. So first we're gonna hear from Katie. Katie, why do you think you would be a great homecoming queen? 30 seconds go.

I think I would be a great homecoming... Oh my god!

Someone get an epi-pin! Katie's smiling up! She ate that damn wonka gum! I need a big pin.

Alright, Katie, while we're dealing with that, here we are on to a Charlie. Uh, a Charlie, why do you think you'd be the best homecoming king?

So I think I'd be a dope homecoming queen because my Charlie, she was a queen. Bear through this, Charlie. You could get through high school.

Same. Here we go. These are going to be cases for us to solve, and we're going to go with the first one here. With no apparent motive, a young man commits a savage attack in his neighborhood.

Ah, a young man with no parent is truly a savage. Next Riddle.

Okay. Yes, these are hypothetical philosophies.

I'm tired.

With no apparent motive, a young man commits a savage attack in his neighborhood. The man's community knows about the incident, but cannot implicate him. The man's conscious eats at him until he confesses and turns himself in for punishment. Who is the man and what weapon did he use in his attack?

The man is Eminem and his weapon was rapping.

Lose yourself in the music.

I love how Jollie said that.

Lose yourself in the moment. Lose yourself in the music. She's scanning. That snake is scanning. You turn into, what's that band? Jukebox or something? The ghost.

This man commits a savage attack. He commits a savage attack.

Could you read it again?

No one can implicate him.

Tiger Woods Golf Club.

It is Tiger Woods. This is before he did it. It was a premonition by JPC's grandmother. Is this O.J. Simpson? No. Because everybody knows he did it. The weapon could be held in one hand or two. The man led many more attacks in his career. The man went on to become a pretty famous father. The man's weapon was used in his backyard.

This is Darth Vader.

That's gonna be a Jedi stop.

I'm joking.

Is the weapon an axe? The weapon is a Max. Is it really? It is. Is it George Washington? The man? George Washington. The crime? Using a hatchet to chop down his family's cherry tree. The line of dialogue he spoke famously? Hey, let me ask you a question.

I cannot tell a lie. Oh, I'm sorry. Let me take that again. I'm gonna pop your cherry tree. He said that to Martha? Uh-huh. I said I can't tell a lie. Do you know that that is actually, that whole story is a fabrication?

Tell us more.

They wanted to make George Washington more approachable because he dined on the blood of babies. And people were like, that's a no, no, that's why his teeth got all rotten because of all the baby juice. They call it blood baby juice?

Blood is babies.

Hey blood is babies. Time is money blood is babies. You're talking to George Washington. So yeah they made up that whole story. And Abraham Lincoln never had a beard.

Is that true? Mary Todd is right there. I want to see a scene. You are Martha Washington. You are George Washington. It is the night for your president for the first time and you're sort of having like the Sunday scary. You're a little bit like anxious about what it's like.

George, what is wrong with you? I'm sorry. Relax. Tomorrow, tomorrow's the day that I'm president for the first time. For the first time? What did I say? Did I say for the first time?

Did you have a premonition? No. Did those three witches come back to you? No, I don't think so. Did they come back to me? You tell me. You said the other night you saw three witches, they were saying something about boiling and trouble, and they said that you would be president until the forest came to Detroit. Yes.

They said that the forest of Isengard would rise up and walk to Detroit. Rise up?

That's catchy.

Yeah, don't. I don't think there's anything to it.

No, I'm just saying.

I don't think there's anything there.

Okay.

Move on. It just must be nice. It must be nice. Move on. When you're friends with people. Tomorrow is the day that I'm president and I'm just, I'm all, I'm in my own head a lot. I'm gonna get up there and I'm gonna give my address. But I really just want everyone to give a, to get along.

Can I say instead of calling it an address, call it something else. Your president make up a name. You're the first one. You're setting the tone. Okay. You're setting the bar for everyone else. What's it gonna be called when a president gives an address? inaugural rap? inaugural rap. Let's cut to that.

Okay.

We're here to swear in George Washington. Okay, let me just grab this branch.

Now let me tell you a little story about a boy like me. I came from England on a boat to these 13 colonies. And when I got off the boat, I said, I'm gonna be your king. And Ben Franklin said to me, I'm gonna die of syphilis.

Well, my name's Ben Franklin and I hear what they say. I fly a kite like every day. I put a key on it to see what happens. All that lightning just keeps zapping. Well it's a Ben Franklin song. I got all kinds of STDs. See me in my skeevies. I owe up to DDS. Oh, here we go. And here is the other one.

This is Betsy Ross. I'm Richard Henry Lee, and I'm from Virginia. I'm a founding father. I was here too, but no one knows much about me, especially not Erin Keif. She's a girl who cannot rhyme. We're gonna wrap it up because this is an absolute waste of our time. Back to you.

Back to me, it's Betsy Ross, and I'm first on the mic.

Here we go.

We solved the first one.

Here's the next one. Here's the case. Here's the case.

Two men dressed in dark clothing enter a wealthy neighborhood in the early morning hours. They move quickly from house to house, taking everything they can. A policeman observes the pair, but does not approach them or arrest them. Who are the men and what do they take?

I want to say a commercial for movers.org. Okay. Hi, I'm JPC.

And I'm Erin.

And this is movers.org. Are you sick of the same frustrating moving experience? You hire a professional crew, they're fast and expedient, they show up on time and they move all your stuff to the new house, but they don't tell you anything about their jokes or have screaming conversations with their girlfriend on the phone?

Yeah, and are you looking for an excuse to talk to your ex? Visit movers.org at movers.org.com and we will move all of your furniture into your ex's house in the wrong rooms. Bathroom stuff, we'll put it in the kitchen. Kitchen stuff, we'll put it in his girlfriend's new closet.

And the best part about it is we will do it while your significant other, ex-significant other, is sleeping.

And yeah, we take a lot of clothes off.

I love the company's name is Moving.org and then you still have to say the website?

Moovers.org.com.

Here we go. We're moving companies that moves boxes of loose bees into your ex-girlfriend's house.

It is not movers, but you're on the right track. Two men dressed in dark clothing into a wealthy neighborhood in the early morning hours. That should be a tip right there. They move quickly from house to house taking everything they can. A policeman absorbs the pair. So they are... This Riddle's trash.

What do they call it? This Riddle's trash. Garbage.

They're garbage.

Garbage men.

Sanitary gentlemen.

No, there's a word for it that's different now. I forget what it is.

The men are garbage men collecting trash. There's trash collectors?

Yeah, trash collectors.

What's the word for it that's different now?

Is there a better word than garbage? Trash collectors. They call them garages. We have great trash collectors in our neighborhood. They're really good.

What do you mean?

They're just like... In Chicago? I think in Chicago they're relatively very good. Do you have a different experience?

I don't know that I've ever seen them.

Well, yeah.

Early morning hours, and they were all black.

They do. They move very quickly. They're also like... Wait, Erin.

What? These trash collectors that you're seeing that are in all black and move very quickly, are they little tiny furry things that go through the trash with little like... They look like little bandits.

You're talking about raccoons, and I know what raccoons are because I'm dating one.

I know what raccoons are because I'm a bag of loose ones.

I'm dating a raccoon who's a maid and he keeps bumbling things up. Speaking of raccoons, we're gonna take a quick commercial break. Hey Riddle Riddle.

Erin, Adal, come into my lab. King Arthur? Yes, sure. Why are you in a lab coat? Okay, but it's fine.

No, it's fine. No, no, do you think God, we love you?

No, I'm King Arthur. That was a gift. Yeah, you're right. No, it's good. I'm King Arthur. I'm in a lab coat. Come into my lab. Oh boy, how do I explain this now? No!

Is this going to be a dab thing? You're working in a dab-butory?

It doesn't matter now. Let's see. You're both sleepy, right?

Always.

Always. Good. Well, I came a lot of nights. I'm up very late. And it would sure would last a lot if I could get some sleep, which is why I have designed the perfect thing for a good night's sleep. Oh, that Helix mattress? You didn't make that. Oh boy, yep, you're right. That's right, I'm King Arthur and what I did was I designed a sleep quiz that takes two minutes to complete and I use those answers to match your body type and sleep preferences to the perfect mattress.

But what if I'm a side sleeper or a hot sleeper like a plush or a fur mattress?

Yeah, what if I'm like a knight or a mage or a king? Yeah, just keep working that.

Well, there's no more guessing or confusion with Helix Sleep. Just go to helixsleep.com slash riddle, which is like a signpost, I guess, at this time, and take the two-minute sleep quiz or two-minute sleep spell.

Alright, well what if I'm part of a pairing? I'm like a couple, I have a partner, and I sleep next to that person. What if we have two different sleep preferences? Does that show?

Yeah, she has a husband made out of bags of flour.

I have a husband made out of bags of flour. She's a firm sleeper.

We use those bags for jousting, but for you, helix can split the mattress down the middle with, I don't know, a spell or science. I've lost a thread here. Providing individual support needs and feel preferences for each side.

They probably don't have a warranty, right? And I probably can't try it out risk-free?

War? No, there's no war in this kingdom, but there is a 10-year war and tea that you get to try out for a hundred nights free risk-free. How's nights spelled?

A hundred nights free risk-free. A hundred nights risk-free is what you meant to say.

That's correct, yes. Also, the war on tea comes later after your time in Boston. Can I ask, is there any sort of discount?

Yes, of course. Right now, if you join my table of knights, and you go to helixsleep.com slash riddle, you can get up to $125 off all mattress orders. I declare it!

Helix Sleep. Right now, $125 off all mattress orders. Just at helixsleep.com slash riddle.

Yes, that's helixsleep.com slash Riddle R-I-D-D-L-E for up to $125 off your mattress order. And I order you to get to being knights in the lab. Thank you for the gift.

We set you up for real. We love you.

Thank you. We love you so much. And I love Helix Sleep.

You know what? You know what, guys?

Oh, is this your stand-up?

Yeah, this is my stand-up. You know when you're trying to go to sleep and your mind's racing and you're super anxious and you got some chronic pain? So it's just not working out for you? Sure.

How chronic pain is it?

Oh boy. I recently in my life have gotten into CBD oil and feels, the lovely people over at Feels, let me try some of their CBD oil and I love it.

I got the same package. They gave us like the sampler package, which is incredible. This is from the Creators of Feels. They've been using CBD for two years. And you get this vial. There's different doses. You can take different quantities. And in small doses, it's a stimulant. And in large doses, it's a sedative. It's almost like Alice in Wonderland. And if you want to be clear-minded and focused and relaxed, you take a small dose and it helps you out. And it really clears your mind. And if you want to have the best night of sleep in your life, you take a larger dose.

And if you're not familiar with CBD oil and everyone that you know is cops, don't worry, it's not illegal. It's actually legal in all 50 states. It's a natural way to help reduce stress, anxiety, pain, and sleeplessness. Just put a few drops of feels on your tongue, sublingually. Sublingually. Say that out loud. Sublingually. Sublingually. Sublingually. Sublingually. Sublingually. Sublingually. Sublingually. Sublingually. Sublingually. Sublingually. Sublingually. Sublingually. Sublingually. Sublingually. Sublingually. Sublingually. Sublingually. Sublingually. Sublingually. Sublingually. Sublingually. Sublingually. Sublingually. Sublingually. Sublingually. Sublingually. Sublingually.

Sublingually. Sublingually. Sublingually. Sublingually.

Sublingually. Sublingually. Sublingually. Sublingually. Sublingually. Subling And then you will feel the difference within minutes. And if you're new to CBD, they have a free CBD hotline with text message support to help guide you through your personal experience and personal first time dosage.

And Japes, can I ask, is that hotline Phoebe P CBD BB? And you can hear that hotline blaring. So you're telling me if Tom Hanks in his famous role in Seattle would have taken this sublingually, would he still be sleepless?

I'm not telling you that. You could join the Fields community to get Fields delivered to your door every month. You'll save money on every order and you can pause or cancel at literally any time.

Erin, name a time. We need to hear this. At 3 p.m. F... Pause. E-A-L-S.com.

It's F-E-A-L-S.com.

One more time. F... E-A-L-S dot com slash riddle, so you get 50% off your first order with shipping. Oh my god, oh my god.

Wow, that's a great deal. So if you want to get that great deal, then you got to get down that CBD, PBD, BB train.

Feels.com slash riddle. And like boys and men said, ABC CBD. And we're back! How are we feeling? When life hands you riddles, you make Rimmelade. You make Rimmelade? Uh-huh. You make Rimmelade? Rimmelade sauce? Rimmelhant? Lady Rimmelade! I don't know, root on root! A young girl is abandoned by her family. She befriends a group of social outcasts and joins the gang. After learning of the girl's whereabouts, her family finds her and poisons her. The girl slips into a coma but does not die. What is the girl's nickname and how does she survive the poisoning? A young girl is abandoned by her family. She befriends a group of social outcasts and joins their gang. After learning of the girl's whereabouts, her family finds her and poisons her. The girl slips into a coma but does not die. Is this Snow White? This is Snow White. Surviving the poison by getting a kiss from Prince Charmaine. What did the dwarves deal?

Wait, her family poisons her? I thought it was that witch.

Is the Witcher family? Wait, what are dwarves in that universe? Are they like? Sleepy, grumpy, guilty. Understood. They're social outcasts? So are there like other dwarves that live in like dwarven society? But why are they social outcasts?

I don't think they are. I think they just work in a mine. Right?

Is it because they're dwarves? Like, are they magical creatures? Oh, he has a job. He's a social outcast. He spends 40 hours a week at his job. Oh, I'm sorry. I misread this.

I just want to talk about how Snow White lived in a house with seven other men.

Not men. Dwarves. I misread this. They listened to outcast. Oh, yeah. Hey! Hi-ho!

Hi-ho!

So what makes So what makes Doors of a bag there.

Dude, I would love to see... Snow White except all the dwarves are outcast.

I'm sorry, Miss Snow White. That is for real. Never meant to poison you to sleep. Let's see a scene. We've done Snow White scenes before. A million of them. So what I want to see is a scene with Snow White. But it's Snow, the Canadian rapper, who sings in former. Oh my god. Erin, do you know this rapper? No. Okay, we're going to move on to the next. A British subject takes a nasty tumble and is never quite the same afterwards. The subject's story is chronicled by a female poet and becomes one of her most famous works. Who is the subject and what is the poet's name?

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty together again. Boobs.

Why do we fall, Master Dumpty, so we can pick ourselves back up? Oh, you're dead. You're crushed in the patience.

Who is it Humpty Dumpty?

It is Humpty Dumpty and it appears in whose nursery rhyme? The Queen of Swans.

Mother Lumps. Mother Lumps.

Father Lumps.

Oh my God, I know we heard from JP Riddles recently, but we gotta see. We gotta see a swan Lumps. You're not gonna be. Mother Goose, JP, so you're gonna be Mother Swan, which is JP Riddle's great-great-great-grandmother, and she is very similar.

Has to be Matriarch swan. Matriarch swan?

Uh, Major Ex-Rob? Hey Jeff? Uh, read one of your new little fairy tale poems to us.

Okay, I'll read one of my Phaedra- Phaedra arc. What did you say, Phaedra arc parents? Yes, a fake Phaedra. Sorry, I just, uh, I just, uh, woke up, I was taking a nap, I was making this model airplane, and Lou put me to sleep, and I took a little airplane nap.

Why do you live in a big shoe?

We just watched you fill the shoe with water and throw a toaster into it.

Okay, now the question on the table as it stands is why do I live in a big shoe? Because would you want to live in a small shoe? No. That would be uncomfortable. Big shoe perfect because it's got lots of room.

Why are you making that fork and that spoon kiss?

I'm actually not. I'm making this fork get spooned. The fork's a little spoon. The spoon's a big spoon. Regular spoon. Spoon and fork. And then this is just a little thing I'm trying out.

Is it true that you got all your stories from a nightmare world that you entered into behind that tree over there?

Partially true. What's it called? I did take a spin around that tree, a big coconut fell in my head and now my whole life is a nightmare because nothing makes sense and every four or five words I get them all jumbled around in my mind so it's a huge nightmare for me.

You think those possums hanging in the tree are coconuts?

I know they go coconuts for being called possums because I called them that and they said, we're trash cats and they scratched at my face and they tried to climb down my throat and that is coded language because I did try to eat one of those possums.

Why are there breadcrumbs leading up to your shoe?

Are those breadcrumbs? I'm making floor soup. So those are croutons, my man.

Okay, well can you read one of your new poems?

Yeah, I'd love to read one of my new poems. You got a favorite that I can read for you kids?

Can you read the one about Jack and Jill?

Oh yeah, okay. Jill was wearing a jacket to the theater because she was cold. And a boyfriend, Bill, was like, I'm cold too. Let me get that jacket. And she said, if you were cold, you should have thought about that before we left the fucking apartment and got your own jacket. He said, listen, Mariah, if I knew that I was going to be cold, then I would have brought a jacket.

Do Little Miss Muppet.

Okay, Little Miss Muppet. Little Miss Muppet sat in the fucking theater. She was wearing that jacket and old J.P. Riddles was steward mad because he was cold as hell and he wanted to get that fucking jacket on.

Do Mary Mary quite contrary?

Oh, Mary Mary, that's a personal favorite of mine. Mary Mary, quite contrary, started screaming in the middle of Hobbs and Shaw because JP Riddles ripped that jacket off of her and said, I'll go too!

Do Baa Baa Black Sheep!

Baa Baa Black Sheep! Well I bought the fucking jacket so I think if I paid cash money for it I should- Do you sing a song of Sixpence! Okay so, old JP Riddles is sitting in the back of the Sixpence police car and he's screaming at the guy because it's too cold in the police car and he can't wear his jacket because his girlfriend's finishing Hobbs and Shaw wearing it.

Can you end with three blind mice? That's my favorite. This is my brother. He doesn't have organs.

That's okay. You got pipes, are you kidding? Just piano. All right, three blind mice. Hickory dickory dock. Three blind mice went to the doctor. The doctor said, you're all fucking blind. There's nothing I could do for you here. I'm a night doctor and you're too far gone. And they say, We're not too far gone, we got cataracts. And he goes, mice with cataracts? Well, you got yourself a problem because my dogs are barking. And my feet hurt. And he's like, well, your feet should hurt because you live in your own shoes. And then he ate a big, big batch of floor soup that he had been making up from earlier that day. And he called his girlfriend, who was still in opposite trauma, with Adam. And he said, I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry I screamed. And it went right to voicemail.

Can my brother try some of your floor soup? He's very sick.

I'm gonna take a nap down here in the dirt. You guys go ahead and wake me up when it's Jesus. Sit.

Oh boy. Floor soup.

That killed Adal.

Amazing. An extremely muscular young man in excellent health goes to bed. Hercules. It is not Hercules. An extremely muscular young man in excellent health goes to bed with his girlfriend one night. When he wakes up the next morning, he's still healthy, but has lost a lot of his strength. A short time later, he commits a terrorist act, taking his own life and thousands of others in the process. Who was the man and what happened to him?

Samson went back to bed, not my chair upon his head. He ate a slice of Wonder Bread and went right back to bed.

Is this Mother Goose?

That was correct. Samson's hair was the key to his strength. What did Samson do? I don't know. Samson went back to bed. He ate a slice of Wonder Bread, not much hair upon his head, and went right back to bed. What was the terrorist act he committed? I don't remember. It was about a war with Goliath.

He was the strongest man.

It wasn't Sam, it was David and Goliath. Yeah. What was that, Erin? What was that sweet little ditty?

And he played...

The DJ played it twice because the DJ was asleep. I don't know what Samson's whole deal was. So let's see a scene. Adal, we are going to see a scene. You are Samson. And what was it? Was it Samson and Delilah? And Delilah has cut off all of your hair. And it's the day before you had something really important to do. And we'll see that scene.

Good morning. Good morning, sweetheart. Don't forget. Good morning.

Tomorrow's the day I become the first president.

Yeah, good morning. Of Greece.

What do you want?

Put your hand in water so you pee the bed.

Why are you laughing?

Babe, I got you so good.

Oh, say that again.

Babe, I got you so good.

Just drop the so good.

I got you?

Yeah. That sounds like a fun song. Martha, my dear.

Alright, your name is Samson? My name is Samsung. Okay, and you are auditioning for Grease, correct? Yes, I am. And you're auditioning for Sandy? Kanicki. Go zoom tight. But I can see that you're completely bald. You know Sandy is a character that... Wow, actually... That is perfect. That's a perfect audition, but not for Sandy. We would love you to play Sonny and Grace. He's kind of a screwball, makes a lot of noises like that. Well, now I think that you're more of a putsy. Oh, okay.

Who's putsy?

That could be Happy Days. Oh, heck, if you're a putsy, it's like a Hallmark card.

Here we go. This is a good segue. This is a good segue going off of hair. I didn't plan it this way, it just so happened. A bald male opens his eyes and finds himself naked in a small room full of people he doesn't recognize. A female grabs him and starts to hit him before he can utter a word. He is shocked and bursts into tears. Who is the male and who is the female? The male is a baby and the female is a doctor. Mmm. And it says in parentheses 2019. Does it really? No. She's burping him? You all are crushing these.

I am in a riddle mindset. Ask me any question. I'll know the answer.

That's not a riddle mindset. Do you think Darth Vader was our first president?

Yes. Next question. Give me. Come on. Come on.

The answers don't have to be right, correct?

Yeah, they don't have to be right. I just know them.

What's your favorite flavor of ice cream?

Vanilla baby.

How hot is it in this room?

Probably like 73 degrees.

How tall is Mitch?

Mitch is 6'7".

How many eggs is too many eggs?

4 or 5.

What's a baker's dozen?

11 people in a room eating a full dozen eggs.

What's a cheaper by the dozen?

A cheaper by the dozen is a bad movie that's an American treasure comedian made. Steve Martin made when he shouldn't have it. He was also a remake of an earlier movie.

What's a bulldozer?

I don't know, but I'm going to guess it's a bull in their bull poser. Go ahead. What's a bull Durham? That is the same thing as I just said.

What's a bowling for Columbine?

That is a documentary that was made about a horrible tragedy that should have been the end of gun violence in this country.

What are combos?

Combos are probably a fast food thing? Like from Taco Bell or McDonald's? Next question.

That's gonna be dead stuff. You think combos are a fast food thing?

Yeah.

You think combos are a fast food thing?

What are combos?

When martial artists hit somebody up in the air and they keep hitting them before they hit the ground. Combos are like pretzels filled with cheese.

Yeah, I'm remembering now. I was like, yeah, they're in a bag.

What a fall from grace. You told us to ask you any questions.

Erin answered 13 questions. Let's see it up on the leaderboard.

She got zero answers correct. And now Erin is saying that's 13 reasons why.

Which is a sort of a bad show on Netflix. Not that good. Good actors in it, but it has a really bad message. Who are some good actors? Kate Walsh, she's on Girls Trip and she is in Grey's Anatomy. She's very, very likable and I like her a lot.

So we asked you for some good actors. You said one person in two movies.

I don't give a show with a Brian Darcy James is in it. Great singing voice.

Yeah. Mr. Brian Darcy James. Mr. Brian Darcy James. Shrek himself. And in the morning, Erin, we're making

We are going to make references to Shrek. In the morning, we're going to make references to Shrek.

I do want to see a scene. That's a t-shirt. I want to see a scene. I'm going to be Shrek. JPC, you're going to be Dunkey. Okay. Erin, you're going to be the Gingerbread Man. And we're just going to do some references from Shrek.

Hey, um, after what I said, not my gumdrop buttons.

Get in my belly.

I want a quote, too. Donkey, do you remember any quotes?

I want a fucking dragon? Oh, no. No? Is that? Uh, show me the money. Show me the money? Yeah, good one. Okay. Um, what are some other ones? Quotes from Shrek. Okay, so I married an axe murderer. Onions have nipples, Fokker. Kidding you milk a parfait?

Say hello to my little friend.

Oh, she- she got a gun. Oh, god.

Tailed it, my little friend! Cocaine, cocaine, cocaine! Cocaine, cocaine, cocaine! The thirteenth of her name. Cocaine, cocaine! Let's see. Cocaine, cocaine. Was thirteenth of her name? No. Sixteenth, I bet.

Sixteenth. Are donkeys the ones that's from a horse? No, that's a mule. Never mind. Are donkeys the one from a horse? I'll take my question off there.

I went to the zoo this week.

Uh-huh.

And can I say something about zebras?

Yes.

Smaller than you think.

How small?

Pretty small. You think they're going to be like the size of a horse or just like a little smaller than a horse. And they're itty-bitty little things.

Oh no, Erin. You saw Animal Crackers. You ate Animal Crackers. This actually takes us to Erin's animal corner. As we heard about the zebra, it's smaller than you think. GPC and I are going to, just like we did moments ago, list animals. And Erin, you're going to give us a little song factoid about each one. So let's start with an elephant.

Ooh, they're pregnant for 24 months. Emu. Emu? More like emotions. Emus don't show emotion next.

Okay, that wasn't a fact or a song?

Eh, sort of.

Don't slow down? Uh, pig.

Uh, pigs are super smart, but we eat them?

Full stop. Because, a good full stop, because, um, I have to hear that whole song. So this is going to be a pork, this is going to be an ad for pork. Uh, TPC, you're the voiceover, and Erin, you're the vocalist.

An ad for pork? What did I say? Pro pork, gotcha. Bacon. It's one of the most delicious foods in America. But where would America be if we didn't eat bacon?

Pigs are super smart, but we eat them. Get your kids around them and then feed them. Feed them to the pigs and then the kids will eat the pigs.

Feed the kids?

And we're going to stop real quick. I'm sorry, she's throwing them.

No, Rich, you're great. I'm doing great.

You're great. Diane.

What's up?

You said we're going to have people bring their kids to the pigs. The pigs will eat the kids.

And then... Eat the kids to the pigs and feed the pigs to the kids. Go back to the sides. Kids to the pigs, then pigs to the kids. Kids to the pigs, then pigs to the kids.

Kids to the pigs, then pigs to the kids. I didn't know what we were saying, but I tried to- I'm singing along and I don't know where it's going. I felt like Erin Keif.

Give me another animal. Let's keep doing this.

Well, real quick, before we move on, I do want to say that we're going for a campaign that suggests that if you eat pork, you're going to be smarter, because we know pigs are smart, but we eat them.

Eat pork, because kids are smart, and the pork ate the kids first.

Whales.

We'll communicate with each other in the water through the voices. Owls. Owls are awake at night.

This is my favorite segment we've ever done. Mice!

Mice are super small and they fit into your wall.

Rats.

Rats are also small but they like to go outside! Moose. Moose? Moose, moose, moose, moose, moose are much bigger than you think and they're tall and squirrels are pretty nice but don't beat them because they'll come back too much.

We need an alternate for moose.

Moose is the plural of moose is mice.

Let's see. Oh my god, that's my new favorite thing.

I think this show should just be that. That's a Patreon episode. Please subscribe to our Patreon.

Everyone knows I don't know anything about animals.

This new game is called Bump Set Erin. Basically what our Patreon is is us doing that for longer. But sometimes we have Jack Hanna in. Or what's his name's kids? Babies, that's right. I think we have time for 100 more riddles. 100 more riddles. Here we go, here's the case. Bill finds himself in a very dark place surrounded by a variety of precious metals. He is at a very busy day. He spends his time in a taxi, visits a newsstand, stops by a corner deli, and goes to the movies. He doesn't know where he will go tomorrow, but he will probably go alone. One is, after all, Bill's favorite number. Who is Bill and where is he? Bill finds himself in a very dark place surrounded by a variety of precious metals. He has had a very busy day. He spends time in a taxi, visits a newsstand, stops in a car... Is he a dollar? Is he a dollar bill? Is he a dollar bill? Is he a dollar bill? And he's in a cash register. You all are fucking... I thought these were pretty good and you're crushing these.

They are good.

They are good.

I am just so smart today.

We are zenned out and zoned in.

We are zenned out and we are zoned in. And we are ready to move your furniture into your ex's apartment.

Do you have an ex? Are they strong? We're out. But are they sleeping and weak? Then call us, movers.org.com slash riddle.

All of my exes are going to be able to go, yes. Are they sleeping and weak?

I do want to see a scene. Erin, you're going to be Snow White. You are just waking up. TPC, you are Prince Charming. And while Snow White was sleeping, you have done exactly what movers.org claims they will do.

Wow. Thank you for kissing me awake. Sort of sexist and outdated, but I'm still grateful.

Cool. Well, in my defense, I didn't think you were going to wake up.

Why is your Goodfellas poster... You know? Is that a map of Middle Earth?

I love Goodfellas and I love Danny DeVito. You know? Big fan.

Oh, is that a Boondock Saint poster?

Yeah, go ahead and list some of the other posters that I've got up. I'll do a quote from every movie that you list a poster for.

Boondock Saints.

Father, forgive him for all the killing.

Look at all your dirty clothes around the ground.

I don't know that movie.

Why is all your stuff in here? So we'll do at one.

Are those things okay? What's that?

Why is all your stuff?

Why is our stuff in our house, baby?

Did you move all your disgusting stuff into my apartment?

No. I wash my towels. The smell is that way. Okay, what's this about? Baby, this is our stuff. This is our apartment.

This is your stuff. This is like gross.

You were sleeping for a long time. What? We got married. That is... You forgot because you fell asleep.

Super weird.

Can you make me floor soup? I'm sick. No soup.

I'm sick, baby, make me floor soup.

I love the specificity of a Frame Good Fellows poster because I know so many people have that and like even in college like Klimt's Kiss, the kiss, everyone knows. Yeah, Che Guevara. I forgot to ask, GPC, earlier you did a scene where you talked about somebody being called in a movie theater with a jacket. You named one of the people in the couple Mariah. Is that an incident that happened to you two when you went and saw Hobbs and Shaw?

Oh, I'm so sorry. Let me explain improv to you, you fucking idiot. In improv, we pull details from real life and use them to inform the scene and make it sound more real.

So when I was thinking of chiming into that last scene by saying, no T-Pain, no Chris Gaines, based on you saying, no pain, no gain, is that improv?

That's good improv. Yes.

That's good improv if you could make yourself a waiter!

Ding ding ding, I've got a personal question. What is something that all of your exes have in common? They all live in Texas. All your exes live in Texas.

Something that all of my exes have in common?

Yeah.

Anything? They all have proper names. First name, middle name, last name, and I don't remember any of them.

I remember every other one's middle name.

All of my exes like musicals.

Oh, see that's the kind of answer I was looking for.

Thank you, Adal. All of my exes have siblings. Never dated an only child.

Because you wanted options, right? Yeah. Erin, what about you?

All of my exes thought they were funny. Okay.

So thought they were funny, they weren't funny.

Some of them were, some of them were not.

But they all thought that they were.

They all were sure they were funny.

Is Sean, is Sean sure he's funny? Yeah, for sure.

Oh my God, are you kidding?

We'll be about that name.

All of my exes are from the United States. They ever dated someone from another country.

Oh, I dated people in Australia when I was in Australia.

Oh, speaking of Australia, Erin, spiders.

Right, yeah, I panicked.

Great, let's go into our plugs.

Spydus got aid of everything.

Right, Spydus with Spydus. We want you to check out our Patreon. We have a Patreon, you can go to patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle. It's five dollars a month for that. Boy oh boy, you get so much content. We already have, I don't know, like 30 episodes backlogged. You get our live shows. You get a new show every Friday. We have our D&D campaign episodes out there. There's four of those that people seemingly love. So please check that out. Also come see us at World News Tonight every Saturday at I.O. Chicago. We don't know if all of us or any of us will be there, but we will try and come say hi afterwards.

I met a lot of really nice people last night. Some homemade Hey Riddle Riddle merch, that was amazing.

Which we do not endorse because just go fucking buy it.

There's post potato shirt that I love.

Which we could do too!

We could do that.

But it was, I was the only one at World News last night and everyone missed you. People were pissed. But it's so nice meeting you guys so please come out.

Yeah, Erin was the only one at World News last night. The rest of the cast also did not show up. We were all doing a prank. We were in the audience. We told her to wear a prom dress that covered the world.

We dumped pig's blood on her. I also want to do a quick my annual check-up with Dr. Recommendations and say check out what we do in the dark on Hulu which is I'm sorry what we do what we do in shadows yeah I combine that with are you afraid of the dark what we do in the shadows which is one of my favorite movies of all time is a TV show it's on Hulu I thought this first season was fantastic so check that out

You can follow me on Instagram at sharkbarkman, you can follow me on Twitter at jpsofly. I was in a board game store the other day and I think this is a listener so shout out to Vicky but Mariah and I were in there we were like looking for two-player board games. Well you can say target. I'll give it a shout out because it's a local board game store in Chicago that I really love called the Dice Dojo. If you're going to buy board games, buy them locally because it helps support this local business. And Dice Dojo is really cool. They have a board games library. You can go and just play board games in their store. Very awesome. So cool. But we were walking in. We bought a game called Burgle Bros, which I also recommend because it was very fun. But we asked a person who was helping us, and then they said, you look very familiar. Do I know you from somewhere? And I was like, I was like, I don't know, maybe you've seen me at IO or like maybe we could work together? Like, I don't know. And they're like, no, are you JP so fly on Twitter? And I was like, oh yes, that's me and blah, blah, blah podcasts. But the way that they asked was they said, you look very familiar, which is never something that I've gotten from like. Is your profile picture, your face? Well, yeah, I think maybe it is, but it's also like your profile pictures are so small on Twitter anyway. It's like, that's wouldn't, and also you probably know me from my voice. So they just know you from following you on Twitter? From the shows. From podcasts. But it was such a weird way of saying it that it surprised me, so I didn't say like, oh my name's JPC. I was like, oh John and I perform. It was very odd. But also go to Dice Dojo because they're very nice and they have great recommendations.

Cool.

Erin, anything to plug?

Follow me, Erin Keif 10 on Instagram and if you want free tickets to any of the shows I'm in, message me on there and then also I have a web series coming out that I'll promote there.

And Erin, you gave me free tickets to a public execution the other day.

Mm-hmm.

It was great.

Yeah, would recommend. Fantastic.

Amazing. And for our last song, Planets.

Jupiter, Scooby-Dee-Bee-Bee.

Bye forever.

This has been Hey Riddle Riddle. Created by Adal Rifai. Starring Erin Keif. and John Patrick Molyneux. KG Snyder's in the editing. M.R.D. parent in the music. Logo created by Emily Cardamus and Emily DeForest.