Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Hey, you guys know how lately I've been really having fun with the Swedish chef? Yes, absolutely. Well, I'm not only the greatest Swedish chef impersonator, I'm also the sweetest chef. I cook at home more and more and the reason I cook at home more and more is because of HelloFresh. They make cooking at home so can you let me finish?

HelloFresh, America's number one meal kit?

Yes. Okay.

The same ones. Okay!

They make cooking at home so much fun. I love watching cooking shows when they fill a ramekin with salt and pepper. Everything's already pre-proportioned and they just dump it into a... Donkey sauce! Donkey sauce, Guy Fieri. That's my favorite thing to do. And now I do it at home because HelloFresh gives you everything you need for the meal. It's all pre-proportioned. You feel like you're a GD hero. You're just rocking and rolling. I put on some podcasts. I put on some music. I dance in the kitchen. And I have a coochin. Yes, that's right. It's a kitchen built by Ashton Kutcher.

Ashton Kutcher?

Well, actually, he punked you. That's not a kitchen. Oh, is it Ashton Martin? Yeah. And recently, I made a few meals that they sent me. This is from their vegetarian meal because my girlfriend and I are eating vegetarian when there's the two of us. So we had some penne rustica with a kick that's tossed with asparagus, tossed with a little crispy panko. One of the best things I've had in this year, 2019, the year of penne.

That sounds so good.

What I love about HelloFresh is it's so flexible because it can fit your lifestyle. Say you want extra meals to your weekly order, they can do it. Maybe you want to change your delivery days. Maybe you want to change your food preferences if you give up being a vegetarian like a coward. Oh, it's just on certain days. Great. Or maybe you want to skip a week. HelloFresh is flexible. You can do all of that with HelloFresh.

Get things like family recipes, or calorie smart, or vegetarian when you're not a coward, I guess. And a fun menu series like Hall of Fame Craft Burgers, which is what I think I want to try next.

I will say JPC misread that. It is when you are not cow ward, so then you're not going towards beef. And I do want to mention another veggie recipe I had, which is the veggie chiles rianos. Am I saying that right? Sure. With avocado salsa and zesty crema, it made me feel so cool to make this. It made me feel like I was an international chef, much like the Swedish chef.

So say goodbye to endless grocery store trips and takeout food. Hello Fresh.

It's got you covered baby! You know what's so exciting? What's that? Is that they add yummy add-ons to your order, like garlic bread and cookie dough. Are you kidding me, HelloFresh?

Okay, so I know we've talked a lot about HelloFresh, but you guys who listen to the podcast, you can also get HelloFresh. For $80 off your first month of HelloFresh, just go to hellofresh.com slash Riddle 80 and enter Riddle 80. That's R-I-D-D-L-E-A-D. HelloFresh.com slash Riddle 80, and you get $80 off your first month!

R-I-D. Delicious meals. It's like receiving- E-L-E. Everything's tasty.

Adal, I can't stress this enough. It's like receiving eight meals free. Or it's like getting $20 off your first four boxes. It's like both of those things. So I want you to try it. You want to try it. What's holding you back? If there is someone holding you back, you need to say something. You need to tag the podcast. Are Twitters the best way, probably?

Hello, Fresh!

The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of light. Oh, then we're going to finish.

It was the cabin of an airplane. He stabbed him with an icicle.

Uh oh, we're on island time. It's Hey Rum Rum. Is that a Neil David song? Yeah. Hey Rum Rum. I was debating between starting with that and starting with the Swedish chef, as the Swedish chef would say. Thank God we burned them both.

I'm JPC.

And I'm Erin Keif.

And I'm on Island Time. The Swedish Chef. Oh, the Swedish Chef.

And you're welcoming to Hey Riddle Riddles, the only podcast about riddles for riddles by riddles.

If you're not sure if you should listen to this, please consult your riddles.

Visit us at pbskids.org.

Oh, riddles? Look to your left. They burned down years ago. Look to your right. One of those is a riddle. We're a little slap happy today.

How many years have we been doing this?

Ten years. This episode? Ten years. We've been, a show for one, we've been doing this intro for ten years. I thought of, here's a fun nickname for me. Daddy Addy.

Is that fun? Is it fun?

So Erin, I wore these leather chaps for nothing.

I guess so. You're gonna get a rash.

Erin's Kiki. We got Kiki, we got Japes. What about just Zaddy Addy?

Who's Zaddy Addy?

Zatarans.

No!

What have we called Adal Zatarans? What have we called Adal Zatarans? Can we do that? Because you're so spicy. Because I always have that trumpet.

Zaddy Addy.

Zaddy Addy sounds like your famous Zaddy Addy. Coming out of the cherry tonight. My wife. Do you think this podcast could qualify as community service? No.

For one of us.

I thought we were going to say, can it qualify as comedy? I was like, no.

No, absolutely not.

I have this ankle bracelet that doesn't allow me to do comedy.

Uh-oh. We're at our favorite segment. This is where the part of the show where I ask you what your deal is. Hey Adal, what's your deal?

My deal is I'm on house arrest, meaning I got arrested while going up to the actor who plays House and... Gregory Peck. Gregory Peck. Scout, Jim. His famous line in house, Scout, Jim. What is his name? What's... Shifferobe. I'm Gregory Peck and that is Shifferobe. What's House's name? House's name is Dermot.

No, no, don't. See, you're making my brain go away. His name is Greg House. His name is Hugh Laurie.

Hugh Laurie. But in America it's called Hugh Truck. Huge truck.

That's pretty good. I actually really like that joke. That's a good joke. Huge truck. Hey JVC, what's your deal?

Huge Lori Swank. Huge Lori Swank. What's my deal?

Yeah, what's your deal, dude?

I'm just a rat guy with a... A rat guy. I'm a rat guy. Hold on. Can you start your deal again with that same intro, but to the tune of No Doubt's Spiderweb?

Can I? When you told me to sing No Doubt Spider Web, all I could think of in my mind was Spider Web, Spider Web, No Doubt Spider Web.

So I'm here with Gregory Peck and Rat Guy, and I am Old Man Pubbles.

Mmm. I love Cuckoo Pubbles.

So what's up? Do we still like riddles?

No. No. No ma'am, no. But I do like whatever we're doing.

Actually, you know what? I was canonically neutral to riddles, famously neutral to riddles. I do like some riddles. I do like some riddles. There are some riddles that... They get you here, they get you right here. And Adal's pointing to his tail. There are some riddles that don't take too much out of me in that I'm not furious because the answer couldn't be, or like... You're furious because... It was like 10 years ago, and this is an antiquated album. My dad was famously punched to death by a police horse as a ghost.

Somebody shouldn't have given that police horse arms, to be fair.

No, but you know, Second Amendment was the Second Amendment police horse.

I go silent for 15 seconds, and you too.

How many years we'll be doing this podcast?

Okay, are you ready? I'm gonna do some listener-submitted riddles, some ones I found in the garbage. LSRs. Some ones I found at my butt. Just some all sorts of fun riddles.

But riddles. Those are signals that don't make you pregnant.

We got an email. Let me see if she said if we can say her last name.

Hi Riddle.

You got it.

Yes, because I said you want to remain anonymous, and because we've been just chatting for a little bit, I do want to see a scene before we get into it. Sure. You guys are familiar with AA, Alcoholics Anonymous? Oh, I thought you meant the Fonzie scheme. We're going to do, instead of AA, it's just going to be Alcoholics. There's no anonymity. Got it.

Hey, my name is Chris Martin. I am the singer for Coldplay. I am married to... Don't tell me. I want to say Gwyneth Paltrow. You're divorced from Gwyneth Paltrow.

You had a conscious uncoupling.

So here's the thing. I want to say this. That's part of my alcoholism. Because I did not remember that we got divorced. Great. And what's your address? My address, let's see, I'm Chris Martin from Coldplay. That would be Brixton, England. No, Brixton? Brixton? Brixton, England. Brixton may be the name of a character from The Furious. And your British phone number? And my British phone number.

Ah, with the country code?

Uh-huh. 135. Sorry, country croc. Country croc. Mmm, butter. 135.71.21615.3129.1169, fortunately. And Jenny, what's your number now that we're getting your number?

8-6-7-5-3-0-9.

And what's the country code for this?

Sorry. 7-7-7-8-6-7-5-3-0-9. Alright, amazing. Okay, so this is an email from Morgan.

In movies, fake phone numbers always have 555 in them.

What other trivia do you have for me?

Nope, that's it. It's just movies about phone numbers. Also, whenever you watch movies or TV, if people are drinking a cup of coffee, those are empty cups.

You can tell on Gilmore Girls, especially. Especially. Especially.

Don't shit the cups. Don't shit the cups.

Hey, can I talk to you? You guys really shit the cup today. You shit the cups back there. During your drug test, you really shit the cup.

That's another Post Potatoes. All right. What follows is a set of warm-up riddles in an incredibly niche format that I've invented.

I'm sorry, it's Nietzsche.

Nietzsche format. I saw this and I have so much to say about these books. I'm not sure if you're familiar with Peggy Parrish's Beloved and then in parentheses question mark because they're a little controversial. Children's book character Amelia Bedelia. Are you two familiar with Amelia Bedelia?

I've heard the name. I don't know the content, but I know the name. In my head, just in terms of where that is on the shelf in a jar labeled Amelia Bedelia, it's right next to Matilda, and I assume that they're cohorts or something.

Just like things for young girls.

Yeah, and right next to Babysitter's Club.

And cookies. Okay.

So just first and last names of what?

Is Amelia Bedelia, to me what this sounds like, and I know that I've read something. Is it song from the 60s? For sure. Is Amelia Bedelia like a Mr. Magoo, Mr. Bean type, like always falling down?

Always messing up. Messing up. She's a real Amelia Bedelia is what someone has said about me, I'm sure.

Like she's a klutzy.

Sort of. She's a klutzdominiac. I love that. That's definitely what I am. I steal things and I fall down. So I don't mean to be hyperbolic, but I don't remember feeling stress in my life as a child until I read these books.

And to be fair, you are usually bolic, but you just had caffeine.

Yeah, now I'm hyper falling. She is the most stressful fictional character ever.

More than Sancho Panza?

I didn't know what you said.

More than Sandra Panzo? I said Sancho Panza? Is that Don Quixote's? This cohort, who's the guy who follows Don Quixote around?

I am my Don Quixote, the Lord of La Mancha. We're never going to get to these right now.

Here's what I will say. If you know who Don Quixote's cohort was, I want you to tweet it at me. Hashtag, Quixote amigo.

Are you saying cohorts? I do want to see a scene. I want to see a brief 30 second monologue or song. Erin, this is you going riding solo. I want to see your one woman monologue or song from the musical Mama La Mancha. Oh boy. Mom of La Mancha.

I am my Don Quixote, the mom of La Mancha. I only will change one word.

Same. It is. It's a chapata. I was right.

Oh.

Mucapata?

Okay. Morgan is so sweet and explains her better than I ever could. But basically her deal is she is a maid that humorously misinterprets the commands of her employer.

Oh, she's not even a kid?

No, she's a maid. Having taken a figure of speech literally, for example, she might be asked to draw the drapes and she would get out a sketchbook.

Fired by fire.

And draw the drapes rather than closing the drapes.

I'd rub her nose in it and fire.

And then like, well, that's the thing. They're like, Amelia, we should fire you. But then she makes like really good pies or something. She sounds like a manipulative... She's supposed to like dress the turkey and instead of dressing the turkey, she makes a little close. She puts a stew on it. It stressed me out so much.

She sounds like a fucking idiot. She's a fucking sociopath. I'm sorry, am I the only one? She's an adult woman?

How does she function in society?

No, no, no, no, no. JPC, she's an adult raccoon. So this is forgiven.

And she just learned, she used a... How fucking awesome would it be if Amelia Bedelia was an adult raccoon? Just picture her as a raccoon, we won't even bring it up again. Anyways, I figured it was a good time to cash in on not only the children's book industry, but the true crime thing which seems to be popular right now.

In each of the following examples, I will explain a scenario in which Emilia is being charged with a crime, and you will have to decide what her original orders were that took her down this increasingly deranged path.

Quick little sidebar. I'm going to honor this. If we ever wanted to pivot and make this show not about riddles, I think this is the episode.

These are riddles!

But we haven't gotten to him yet. What I'm saying is we've been bullshitting for so long.

Everyone rewind. Re-listen.

Re-wind. Re-listen. I remember that night, re-wind. I remember that night.

I remember that night. I must just forget that night for the day. Okay, I got it. Okay, are we ready for the first scenario?

No, obviously. I forgot my damn name.

The first call at the local police station was a report that Mr. Bingingham, The first call at the local police station was a report from Mr. Billingham's neighbor who claimed that a strange and clearly deranged woman was throwing dried fruit by the handful.

What if we never let Eric get to the room? Hashtag strange and deranged.

This is like the younger sibling in me is when I'm allowed to talk for too long. I get increasingly more and more nervous because I know I'm about to be destroyed or cut off at any moment.

You've turned into Scott Ackerman in Freedom where we just interrupt you nonstop.

Terrified. Okay, I'm gonna start over. Okay. The first call... People have shut this off.

Hey, Erin, you are doing so great.

Erin? Erin? I hate it here.

Time out. Zach Morse, time out. You are doing so good.

The first call at the local police station was a report from Mr. Billingham's neighbor. Do not mistake this as support.

We will go after you as hard as possible. Yes, we still do. Oh you child support in this moment in this moment No, you're doing great. And as soon as this moment passes, I'm your enemy and I will not let you read this Riddle.

She's so close. She's so close. Oh my gosh. I think about that from Tina Fey's bossy pants all the time. I read it like whenever it came out and she was like sometimes what you need to do is just cry. It freaks people out. Oh yeah. If you want to cry you should just cry.

It would it would legit freak me out. I would well no not for you I'm immune to you but I would hurt most people I would be pretty freaked out. Sounds like a country song.

I'm immune to you. The first call at the local police station was a report from Mr. Billingham's neighbor who claimed that a strange and clearly deranged woman was throwing dried fruit by the handful around Billingham's backyard.

Can I just say how fucked up it is that it's a deranged woman? Like, that is society pointing a finger.

From the man who interrupted a woman for the last several minutes.

Unbelievable.

And there's on my side it sounds like. Yeah. And then at some point we're going to bring in a dumb ass maid who's a woman.

Yes.

You guys, I'm telling you... Is this what the movie Amelie was based off of? Erin, go. She's deranged. She's throwing fruit. We got it. Billingham.

Okay, she's throwing fruit around this guy's backyard. Erin, you look so nice today. Original, thank you. What were her original orders?

Oh, uh, large coke, side of fries. Is this how we're supposed to answer? That we're dumb as shit?

No, we need to be smarter than Amelia.

Oh, then I need you to reread. Amelia's throwing fruit around in a yard. That's what it comes down to. She's throwing fruit in a yard. So what did they say for her to do?

They said go bananas. What's a chore that she would have misinterpreted as throwing fruit?

Toss the fruit salad. Yeah, you're sort of... Just tell me right or wrong.

It's an outside... It's an outside chore? Sure. Pick the cherries from the tree. Pick the fruit. Something about fruit. Fruit. She was asked to wash the fruit. She was asked to toss the fruit. Toss? Is toss in there? I just said toss. Is toss, throw...

Um, Morgan, I love these.

And tossing your fruit salad just to be clear is when you put a banana in your ass and then somebody eats it out of it. Thank God it'd be clear for that.

I think I have boring sex, y'all.

We'll describe it.

Oh, eating a banana out of my butt. Oh, what did you say?

Eating a banana out of someone's ass isn't sex. I'm not going to fall for the band.

That's a Tuesday.

That's my Tuesday, bitch.

Okay, so it's a chore that you would do outside. It's a chore involving fruit. Involving fruit. And we say the word fruit at some point.

The chore actually doesn't involve fruit. She misinterpreted it.

In the answer, does it contain the word fruit?

No, it doesn't say. It's a fruit.

It's a fruit. She was orange. She was asked to scatter the apples.

Scatter the apples.

She was asked to... Grapes.

What's a word that... It's a verb.

Oh, what's a word this verb? It's a verb that's also a fruit? Yeah, it's a verb that's also a fruit.

Yeah, it's a verb that's also a fruit.

It's a verb that's also a fruit. Yeah, it's a verb that's also a fruit. Yeah, it's a verb that's also a fruit. Yeah, it's a verb that's also a fruit. Yeah, it's a verb that's also a fruit. Yeah, it's a verb that's also a fruit. Yeah, it's a verb that's also a fruit. Yeah, it's a verb that's also a fruit. Yeah, it's a verb that's also a fruit. Yeah, it's a verb that's also a fruit.

Yeah, it's a verb that's also a fruit. Yeah, it's a verb that's also a fruit. Yeah, it's a verb that's also a fruit.

Yeah, it's a verb that's also a fruit. Yeah, it's a verb that's also a fruit. Yeah, it Apple's the garden.

What is a verb?

No, she was told to mow. She saw the trim. Trim the grapes.

Trim the parsley.

It's another word for trim, I think. To pussy? I get so much fucking trim.

What is she going for? I think I'm just going to tell you.

No, no, no. Don't, don't, don't, don't.

I do not... Hey, Erin? I kid you not, I want to get this. It's a synonym for trim. Mow, hedge, clip.

Is your mic on? Cut. You're on this mic.

Yeah, I'm on this mic.

Oh, I was just gonna... I was... I don't know what I was gonna do. I was gonna walk out of the studio.

Ah, my mic is on. Okay. Baby. Try KJ?

It's a synonym for trim. Am I close with any of those?

Yeah, you are. They're all, I would say, in the same exact pile of words.

Cut, trim, mohedge.

Sort of fancy.

Prune, prune! She was told to prune the hedges. Fucking A. Goddammit.

Her employer asked her to prune the hedges. Aren't these amazing? That's pretty good. Later? Okay, so scenario two. Later that day, a detective re-entered the mansion and pieced together Amelia's next crime.

Just walked in? Pieced together. He just walked in the mansion?

A boy of eight years was holding a trumpet and inconsolable his father.

That Sucks! That Rules!

Oh, that's the worst. I love it. That Sucks! That Rules! That fucking sucks so much is the best. That Sucks! That Rules!

That's, I think, our new slogan. That Sucks! That's definitely the name of this episode. That Sucks!

That Rules!

I deserve... I love it when we say the name of the episode like a bronze.

Do they do honorable mentions of the Olympics, Erin?

I'm just planning my revenge right now. Next time you're Old Man Puzzles, I'm going to eat you alive.

They won't be here next time because I quit the show.

Remember when we interrupted Adal that one time and he's making us wait a year to get the answer to that riddle? Oh, that was Halloween! That's so close! And I get interrupted every five seconds.

Erin, but that was a man.

Oh my god. This is a slippery slope.

Well, to be fair, it was Adal.

I didn't say that was a man. That was half a man. Okay, later that day a detective... Half a man is Adal.

Okay, let it... I promise you'll have fun if you participate. That should be on my gravestone. Later that day, a detective reentered the mansion and pieced together Amelia's next crime. A boy of eight years was holding a trumpet and inconsolable. His father, being half submerged in a bathtub, was now cold like this in blue.

Cold, lifeless, and blue. This went from throwing fruit in the yard to a murder. This is a real crime.

Yeah, this one is a real crime. Later that day, a detective reentered the mansion and pieced together Amelia's next crime. A boy of eight years was holding a trumpet and inconsolable. His father, being half submerged in a bathtub, was now cold, lifeless, and blue. Yes.

He was told to turn off the taps because his dad's in a coma and he played... Taps. Taps. He was playing Taps the song and he stopped playing it versus turning off the water which killed his dad.

No, this is Amelia who did this.

Well, either you get what I just said and say yes when we move on, or we keep an eye on you.

Boy, trumpet, eight years old, dead, dead, half submerged in a tub, cold, lifeless.

Yes, you got it.

And we didn't know what Amelia's order was?

What was the command?

Is it the half submerged important to this?

No, it's not just that they're... How is he half... So his face is down, his ass is up? Yeah.

That's why we like to drown?

Yeah.

The boy has

Is it blow? Toot.

But if you don't want to hear a noise anymore, you want to... Muffle it.

Smother it. Drown it. Drown the noise. And the noise is his dad's name.

Do something to drown out his son's awful trumpet playing. She asked her to do something to drown out his son's awful type of blame. So she put his head in the water. She drowned out.

Are you serious? I thought these were like fun kitty books. These are like murder.

She's a murderer. Morgan wrote these.

So Morgan's the murderer?

So it's in the vein.

It's drugs. It's in the vein. It's in her penis.

Using her taking things to literally format to write these scenarios. So Morgan... And they're incredible and this is one of my favorite emails we've ever gotten.

Morgan, and you said this is Morgan Freeman, is some sort of psychopath? Yes, and they are. Oh wait, can we let Adal do his Morgan Freeman impression for the Wallacher? Wow, okay. Drown out the noise. Kudos to you, Morgan. You're one of the truest that ever played the game.

We are sending you a box of kudos because we are sponsored by that delicious granola bar covered in chocolate.

I'm gonna read this next one. You're not going to get it, I don't think.

So we should just interrupt you? Oh, interrupt you? Before we do this, I want to see a scene.

So

Erin, you are working on your lung capacity because you are trying to play trumpet. And so your dad has run you a bath so that you can play trumpet underwater. And Adal, you are going to be playing the father.

Hey, turn down the noise. Is that melted cheese? That fondue was for guests.

Yeah, listen, I can play Trumpets by Jason Derulo. Are you ready?

You can play the song Trumpets on a trumpet. By Jason the Ruler? Is he some sort of Roman- Jason Derulo!

Hold on, listen, Dad. Okay, this is good audio for sure. Are you proud of me?

I am not. I want to let you know you are not even adopted. You are made from some cardboard boxes and then a witch brought you to life. That's why you can't die is because... Sorry Dad, I didn't hear you.

I was underwater. What did you say?

I said I love you. I love you too. I said I love you. You're a bunch of U-Haul boxes that were brought to life by a witch.

Kind of fun that I used water.

I will say, very creative way to use the water. Honestly, and I don't use this lightly, you're turning into the carrot top of this podcast. You got a little chest of, you got a little chest.

Nice! I got roasted.

You have a little chest of props and you keep dipping into them.

Yeah. Are we ready? Yes. Let's move through this one quickly because I want to get to ones that you might actually get.

The next report came from the man on the... If Erin were to be a carrot top, I think she would be billed a sleepy carrot top.

Or Carrot Top, who just doesn't show up, or gets interrupted every five seconds. The next report came from a man on the street... Carrot Top at a restaurant. I'm going to start doing that drowning sound every time he gets interrupted. Okay. The next report came from a man on the street soliciting, who allegedly saw Amelia as she fled the scene of the crime. He claimed that he stopped her to sign his petition, but he's ultimately forced to the ground onto rust colored spikes. What did he say to her that forced his

Provocation. So she forced him to the ground onto some spikes. She forced him to the ground onto some spikes.

Rust colored spikes. So what do we know about rust colored spikes? Tetanus. Rust colored.

Someone said a saying to her.

So is rust in the answer or no?

It's just focus on rust-colored spikes.

What's it called when?

It's another way of saying that.

Rust-colored spikes. Is it going to be like the color or the process of what happens with rust? Is it about that scientific process? Is it about signing something with a red pen? Ionization?

What's that called? No.

So it's about a color? Brown?

No. Think of it like a saying.

That could be anything.

that she took literally.

So, but is it about what he was doing? He's a solicitor, so he's like stopping her like, ma'am, do you have a moment for the environment?

It's not actual rust, it's the color that rust is.

Which is what, reddish brown?

Brown? Beige. Red? Tan.

Maybe more shiny.

Copper. Shiny Brown. Shiny Brown? What is this, a mustard hat?

Okay, Adal, I want you to see... No, no, no. No, Erin, stop.

Do not interrupt me. I want to see a scene. I want to see a scene. Adal, you're going to be doing a commercial for Shiny Brown Mustard.

Oh no. I got a hot dog and it's just a bun and a wiener. I need something. No, not that mustard. That's just regular yellow. Not that mustard either. That's just brown. Ooh? What's this? Mmm. I can see my reflection in it.

Okay, great. We'll just take that one more time and this time just use the script. Can I get some more actors?

I don't like that I'm playing three characters. I'm the grill master, I'm the consumer, and then I'm also the voiceover.

And I love you doing your own, but just use the script that we provided.

Oh shit. Is mustard.good enough for you? Bwam bwam bwam bwam. Fuck mustard. Put your dick in it. Shiny brown.

Thank you. We're going in another direction.

You're going with Harry Styles?

We're going in one direction. You also need to focus on the part of the sentence, ultimately forced onto the ground, onto rust-colored spikes.

Something about pin me down, something about

Let's cut away all the bullshit and talk about what we really want to talk about. That's what the saying means.

Cut the mustard. Okay, let's focus on what we want.

Can we get to the brass tacks?

After his initial pitch, he said he wanted to get down to brass tacks.

Get down to brass tacks? I own it.

Fun, right?

It is fun.

When police caught up with Amelia and confronted her, the report states that she assaulted an officer, blinding him almost instantly.

She threw iodine in his eyes.

Yes. What order did the officer give Amelia that ended up so badly for him?

She's the person from the boys who blends with her superpower eyes. Starlight. Amazon's the Boys. What order did the officer give to make him get blinded by Amelia Bedelia? What is to do with assault?

Assault me!

No, but it's her. I got to taking things literally. It's like a little kid being like, put your eye on the ball and then putting their eye on the ball.

Put your hands where I can see them. Yep!

He got it. I'm really proud of him.

She blinded me with poking. She poked me in my fucking eyes. She blinded me with poking. Well, now people know where we are. We're recording a little more introductory. My fallout shed. Here we go. Great. And as you may know, my counterpart and I, Shamanda,

My name's Shemeanda.

I'm sorry, her name is Shemeanda? Her name is Shemeanda? Okay.

Shemeanda.

We have ghostwritten some of the most popular songs in the 80s. Oh, ghostwritten? Well, now my dear boy... Oh, I love that TV show. Don't be alarmed. All it means is that we have not taken credit. We're behind the scenes.

We're behind the curtain, if you will.

Oh, like an old man. Sure. Or like a... Yes, exactly. Or like a cat. Well, no more. You got it right on the first one. But that means we do have the rights to all of these songs, so we can wait for your assault company. By the way, Big Mortons fan. Ooh, really? You want some swag? No, I said can you turn on the Big Mortons fan? It's how it's held in here. Oh sure, let me get that game.

I use your stuff on my margarita.

My stuff on your margaritas. Okay. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Hey, it seems like you two are stalling for time. Stalling for time? What are we?

Would you rather us be Russian? Just a little joke any time someone says stalling, I always say Russian because it's kind of like an opposite thing.

Well, I'm putting you on blast. Let's get going.

That's fun.

You're all over the place. Are we having fun? It's important we're having fun. Here we go. And a one, and a two, and a two to tie.

Take on salt. Take on salt.

Got it. Go to the next one. We got it. We got it.

We got it. Go on to the next one. Whoa, we're halfway there. Whoa!

We're living out some salt!

Great, and keep in mind you can replace any word with salt. It doesn't have to be the last one. Okay, here we go.

Next one. Baths, berry, but salt.

But salt is already a thing.

Every breath you salt. Every salt you salt. I'm assaulting you. Wait, hold on. We don't want that. One more?

Whoa, sweet child of salt!

Okay, that wasn't great, so let's do one more.

Um, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm.

This is what it feels like with Dove Salt.

We are living in a material salt. And I am a salt girl.

Whoever's keeping track of that Spotify playlist with all the songs we mention is having an aneurysm. It's like, fuck you. Come on, I lean to lure a salt.

Come on, salt lean to lure a salt. Come on.

And I would walk 500 salt. Salt after salt. Okay. Listen to the wind salts.

What's a wind salt?

This is really fun. I wish we could do this. Walk like a salt.

Okay, well we've had our fun now, but we really do have to go and do a quick ad. Again, we are sponsored, as always, every week by Songs of the Salt 80s. So we will see you back after this brief ad interruption. Erin, Adal, come into my lab. King Arthur? Yes, sure.

Why are you in a lab coat?

Oh boy. But it's fine, no, it's fine.

No, no, do you think that we love you? No, no, no, no.

No, I'm King Arthur. That was a gift. Yeah, you're right. No, it's good. I'm King Arthur. I'm in a lab coat. Come into my lab. Oh boy, how do I explain this now? No!

Is this going to be a dab thing? You're working in a dab-butory?

It doesn't matter now. Uh, let's see. You're both sleepy, right?

Always.

Always. Good. Well, I came a lot of nights. I'm up very late. And it would sure would last a lot if I could get some sleep, which is why I have designed the perfect thing for a good night's sleep. Oh, that Helix mattress?

You didn't make that.

Oh boy, yep, you're right. That's right, I'm King Arthur and what I did was I designed a sleep quiz that takes two minutes to complete and I use those answers to match your body type and sleep preferences to the perfect mattress.

But what if I'm a side sleeper or a hot sleeper like a plush or a fur mattress?

Yeah, what if I'm like a knight or a mage or a king?

Yeah, just keep working On that end, well there's no more guessing or confusion with Helix Sleep. Just go to helixsleep.com slash riddle, which is like a signpost I guess at this time, and take the two minute sleep quiz or two minute sleep spell.

Alright, well what if I'm part of a pairing? I'm like a couple, I have a partner, and I sleep next to that person. What if we have two different sleep preferences? Does that show?

Yeah, she has a husband made out of bags of flour.

I have a husband made out of bags of flour.

She's a firm sleeper.

Well, usually we just use those bags for jousting, but for you, helix can split the mattress down the middle with, I don't know, a spell or science, I've lost a thread here, providing individual support needs and feel preferences for each side.

They probably don't have a warranty, right? And I probably can't try it out risk-free?

War? No, there's no war in this kingdom, but there is a 10-year war and tea that you get to try out for a hundred nights free risk-free. How's nights spelled? A hundred nights free risk-free.

A hundred nights risk-free is what you meant to say.

That's correct, yes. Also, the war on tea comes later after your time in Boston. Can I ask, is there any sort of discount?

Yes, of course. Right now, if you join my table of knights, and you go to helixsleep.com slash riddle, you can get up to $125 off all mattress orders. I declare it!

Helix Sleep. Right now, $125 off all mattress orders. Just at helixsleep.com slash riddle.

Yes, that's helixsleep.com slash Riddle R-I-D-D-L-E for up to $125 off your mattress order. And I order you to get to being knights in the lab. Thank you for the gift.

We set you up for real. We love you.

Thank you. We love you so much.

And I love Helix Sleep.

You know what? You know what, guys?

Oh, is this your stand-up?

Yeah, this is my stand-up. You know when you're trying to go to sleep and your mind's racing and you're super anxious and you got some chronic pain? So it's just not working out for you? Sure.

How chronic pain is it?

Oh boy. I recently in my life have gotten into CBD oil and feels, the lovely people over at Feels, let me try some of their CBD oil and I love it.

I got the same package. They gave us like the sampler package, which is incredible. This is from the Creators of Feels. They've been using CBD for two years. And you get this vial. There's different doses. You can take different quantities. And in small doses, it's a stimulant. And in large doses, it's a sedative. It's almost like Alice in Wonderland. And if you want to be clear-minded and focused and relaxed, you take a small dose and it helps you out. And it really clears your mind. And if you want to have the best night of sleep in your life, you take a larger dose.

And if you're not familiar with CBD oil and everyone that you know is cops, don't worry, it's not illegal. It's actually legal in all 50 states. It's a natural way to help reduce stress, anxiety, pain, and sleeplessness. Just put a few drops of feels on your tongue, sublingually. Sublingually. Say that out loud. Sublingually.

Sublingually.

Thank you. Syringe disease. And then you will feel the difference within minutes. And if you're new to CBD, they have a free CBD hotline with text message support to help guide you through your personal experience and personal first-time dosage. And Japes, can I ask, is that hotline Phoebe P CBD BB?

And you can hear that hotline blaring. So you're telling me if Tom Hanks in his famous role in Seattle would have taken this sublingually, would he still be sleepless?

I'm not telling you that. You can join the Feels community to get Feels delivered to your door every month. You'll save money on every order, and you can pause or cancel at literally any time.

Erin, name a time. I need you to hear this. At 3 p.m., F-E-A-L-S.com.

It's F-E-A-L-S.com.

One more time. F-E-A-L-S.com. E-A-L-S dot com slash riddle. So you get 50% off your first order with shipping. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Wow. That's a great deal. So if you want to get that great deal, you got to get down that CBD PBD train. Feels.com slash riddle.

And like boys and men said, ABC CBD. And we're back.

Hello. It's Chaboy. We're stuck on Amelia Bedelia and this is my fault for bringing her energy into this room. She stresses me out.

How many more of these have we got?

One. Why did she stress you out so much? She was given such simple instructions and she didn't do it and she made their house a mess and it just made me so angry. It made me very very very anxious when I was a kid and I hated reading it.

So when I was a kid I read all the scary stories to tell in dark, which just came out as a movie. That was like my favorite series. I also read Goosebumps. I also read anything by Roald Dahl or Shel Silverstein. What was like your, did you read like Babysitter's Club? Did you read

No, I read, I mean I read so much because my mom... Sorry, I was talking on JPC. Did you read Babysitter's Club?

No. Wayside School, baby. I love Wayside School. I've talked about this on the Patreon.

My sister still reads Wayside School to her second grade class.

That's cool. Wayside School is awesome.

She's like, it is funny all, it will never not be funny to me.

Haven't they graduated by now?

Yeah, they have. I read like Cam Jansen. I'm trying to think of when I was really little.

Oh yeah, Cam Jansen.

I read the American Girl Doll books. I read those like... Ladies, you'll know this. You know those history books that were like all different colors in your school library and they had like, they had the circle and there was a girl's face in the middle of it. She was a different kind of history. Someone tweet at me if you find what books I'm talking about. If you know them, I see you.

I read all of Animorphs and then I read the more like young adult ones, the EverQuest books, I believe it was called. Still K.A. Applegate. I loved Animorphs though. Animorphs were fucking awesome.

Um, Polly Shulman is my favorite young adult author if you ever want to look her up. I think she's very, very underrated. She wrote a book called Enthusiasm, that's incredible.

Didn't she write Biodome too?

Yeah, she wrote Polly Shulman's vehicle, Biodome. If you come to World News Tonight, bring us one Animorphs book. And Erin will drink the pen. But you must cross out ten words in it and replace them with other words. We'll find him. Because I said goosebumps, I know that there's people out there losing their minds saying why are we mentioning goosebumps and not seeing a scene with Erin as an airplane. Oh no, the airplane's submerged. Sully, you saved us.

I'm up! There's got to be some sort of listening, like, water-phobia thing that people have that we need to put a disclaimer on this episode for. Hydro-phobia? Hydro-phobia?

What would they be excited for? Do you hate women getting interrupted? Maybe not the episode for you.

Do you hate women?

Okay, here's the thing. I hate all of you from now on to remember each time I am patient with them interrupting me and then them being mad for me interrupting them, remember this moment.

Moo. Wow, now there's a woman making the best. So long as knock-knock joke. JPC, I do want to see a scene where you are JP Riddles.

Holy shit.

We're gonna see some swan lumps and this is gonna be a little bit different in terms of because we're talking about books we read as a kid and this is gonna be you as like a teenager when you're first sort of dabbling in writing swan lumps you haven't even maybe got the word for it yet the title and you're coming to your mom and dad letting them know that you do want to or whatever constitutes parents got it could be an oak tree and a smile

Hey JP.

Hey Mom and Dad. You do have the deepest voice.

Well, you know, just imagine my voice.

Have you been smoking?

Cigarettes? Yeah. No.

We got a call from your school.

Rollin' up pieces of corn? Yeah. Bridsmoke and rollin' up pieces of corn. How do you roll up corn? Pieces.

Oh, wait. Still.

E.M.M.? They found some interesting things in your locker that we wanted to talk to you about.

Oh no. Honey, I thought around the house we're gonna stop calling him JP Riddles. We're gonna call him by his full name, Jackson Pollock Riddles.

Jackson Pollock Riddle.

No, I know I'm in trouble now because they use my full name, and if they use my full name I know that means I'm in for it now. You're named after me, Jackson Pollock.

Kevin Pollock's brother, yes. That's famously Kevin Pollock's brother.

Okay, so Jackson Pollock Riddles, let's talk about some of these things that are in your locker.

Okay. We found my book. I'm assuming you found my manuscript. Did they call it a manifesto? Well, it's a manifesto manuscripto.

And we'll get to that and what that said, but just some other objects too.

They said they found an- Oh yeah, you got a whole list. I'll just get a chair here.

Yeah.

Okay, it's one of these lawn chairs. How does it open up? Oh, that's a squirrel. There's a loose squirrel in there and got it. Oh no. Sorry those squirrels are not chairs. It's about to happen when you have the log chair packed up so tight like this and let me just sit down on the chair with another squirrel.

This is why you're not allowed in the house and why we're having this discussion on the backyard.

This is fine, this is my territory, it's neutral ground, I understand. They found an ant farm, but instead of ants it was hair that you had

Hair from all of your mom's sisters. That's a hair in an ant farm. That's an alien ant farm, is what that is. And you know, it's fine, so let's all go to the movies.

Well, we were also told that recently you've been skipping class to bowl for soup. Now we gave you money for school lunch. You shouldn't be bowling for soup.

Well, you know, I would cut for soup if I had a thermos that could fit it, but it's got to be a bowl.

Also, they found brownies, just like a tray of brownies with ketchup all over it.

Yeah, so with that now it's easy to explain because I was trying out for the Cleveland Brownies and they told me I had to catch up.

Of course the local eating team.

Sure, sure, sure. Here in Cincinnati. Where in Cincinnati the eating team hears the Cleveland Brownies. And they told me I'd have to catch up because that one man, Kobayashi, was demolished and then hot dogs and I was way behind and I was just eating the glass that the Wada was in.

Did you say the glass that Wada was in? Wada Wada.

They also found a love letter to someone in your grave. Do you want to talk a little bit about that? Why don't you read it to us?

I think that'll help you confront some demons, exercise some demons. I'll read it to you, and I'm very embarrassed about this. Dear Mike Babiglia! You are one of the most charming young men I have ever come across, and you are very, very funny. And I think you've got an insightful wit to you, and I think that one day you're going to take this and really develop a type of comedy that is kind of surpassing what has come before, and it's more like storytelling, makes me stand up, and I do enjoy the smell of you! Oh, Mike Babiglia!

Now I looked, your mom and I looked this up. It is, of course, 1984. Now we looked on not any computer device, but we looked in phone books, and we only found one Michael I'm Riddle Rifai.

Well, actually that's a working title. The thing that I am most proud of is right here. This is a manuscript of more of like a bumbling character who can never really get things right even though that he has the best intentions. And his name... What's the job? His name is Drabilia Badila. And he's a butler? Well, no, he is a... Buckler? Buckler. He's a butler. He's a fuck butler. Yeah, sure. He's a fuck butler. Which I guess could still be a butler. Just depending on how you spell it. Absolutely.

The thing that was most troubling to me about Swanlumps is you, I'm sorry, the thing that was most to me was I would think it would say Swanlumps 1, but it was like Swanlumps 204. You just are adding these numbers to these books willy-nilly and they're not in order.

Can I be honest with both of you? Please, we wish you would. Has everything up until now been a lie? Well, in a matter of speaking... That's the first time you've prefaced with, can I be honest?

In a matter of speaking... I understand that what I do is eat the raw, wriggling inside parts of squirrels, and I understand that those- And sorry, can you, um, your penis is out.

Can you close that Ziploc bag? Yeah, okay. I know that- Zip-a-dip. Keep the jeans fresh.

You zip the tip? Zip-a-dip.

And I understand that- You zip up the whole thing, not just the tip.

Zip-a-dip, keep those jeans fresh.

And I understand- What I eat is the inside parts of squirrels and the inside of the squirrels is a particular type of poison that makes my brain all crazy. And even though YouTube died many many many years ago, it does give me some sort of comfort to eat the inside parts of a squirrel and then come into a fantasy zone where you're still with me.

Mr. Riddles! Mr. Riddles! It looked like you went back into a memory. Where did you go? Mr. Riddles? Mr. Riddles?

I don't know about that. The Bears from the Charmin commercials, incarnate. Look, peel me off a couple more of those hot dogs from that tree over there. Let's get down to brass tacks. You two wanted to ask me where we could find a body. Now I can show you a body, but it's going to take... We wanted you to read one of your swan lumps. Okay, swan lumps. I can do that.

And you took us to the local dump.

Yeah, well, I took a local dump. It's bigger than you, you big stack of shit. Let's do this. Swan lumps to 26. The return of Dabilia Badilia. The dealie of bulimia? Oh, J.P. Riddle's broken and Mike McBiglia's house in the middle of the night. Now, he's a famous comedian.

You put yourself in the stories now? I'm sorry? I'm sorry. Betsied. Is that a rinse?

I miss JP Riddles already. Hey JP, for my birthday can I talk to JP Riddles on the phone for an hour?

Not on air? So we talked about at one point, I think it was two years ago, I asked you if you'd want to do like an immersive theater thing that was a haunted tour where you're leading it and people walk around and you give fake city history with a haunted twist. Could we do that year round once a month with you as JP Riddles and it's at, we just sit around at Camp Fire?

We charge 200 bucks a head. There will be a Patreon tier where you get JP Riddles to come to your birthday party.

And ruin it.

In a clown outfit.

We got one more of these.

What? We're still doing these fucking things?

We're still doing rules?

I thought we pivoted into just chatting.

Just one more. When Amelia was brought in, it was discovered that she had a prior record that involved, among other things, prostitution.

Jesus Christ, these are written by Morgan, right? Yeah. Morgan, you're sick as fuck, and we love you.

What did her previous employer, prior to Mrs. Billingsworth, say to her on her last day that earned her this offense?

Get out of here you hooker. Start selling.

Get out of here.

Close the door to the way out you whore. Sell your body? Yeah, ooh. She wanted to prostitution. It caused her to go into prostitution.

Put your money where your mouth is. Is it something about a John?

No.

Don't use the John? She said put your money where your mouth is and she can eat herself out. She's like a Marilyn Manson type. Or Marilyn Monroe type, I'm sorry. Who could famously... Leave her alone!

Leave her alone!

Marilyn Monroe? Yeah. Okay.

Um, let's see.

John Kennedy killed that girl.

John Kennedy killed that girl.

Anybody Kennedy adjacent, Erin hates to make her out of.

Okay, this one is not as elegant as the rest.

Are we on the right path with these terrible comments?

Wait, don't say it. Don't say it.

So what is like another, like, night walker? Is it suck or blow? Is anything in there?

Is it sex? Get off?

Fuck. Mary fuck you. Fuck for your life. Fuck like your life depended on it.

Fuck for money.

She said it on her last day. Fuck for money.

Someone said it to her.

On her last day of employment. Fuck off. Was she fired?

Fuck off. Fuck off.

Get fucked. Get fucked.

After a day of misunderstanding and frustration, her ex-employer told her to get fucked.

Erin, I do want to see a scene. You are a well-to-do, wealthy businesswoman. You have a butler on hand and you are firing Japes as a butler. You want to, say, get fucked. You're trying to build to that, but unfortunately you're a well-to-do upbringing because you have a silver spoon in your mouth. You are unable to get to that, so you say everything but. You calls, ma'am.

Yes, I'm... Come in here, please.

Oh yes, ma'am.

Stand in front of me.

Must I stand, ma'am? I'm very old. Did you say mustard stand, ma'am?

No, get out, not you.

Get fucking shiny mustard.

No, get out, get out, shut the door.

Yes, do you have any... Gin high.

Gin high, please. I'm going to say everything but. I'm going to talk about butts. I'm kidding. I think that you have... You've come to the end of your time here because... You are just the worst possible employee one could have. Quite right ma'am. You agree with me then, that you are just some sort of twirly, swirly pain in the back of the... You, I wish that you could just jump off a diving board onto your... Okay, I think that it would be best if you were to play a game of darts, but then you were the dart... Let me start over. I wish that you would lay down in a bed, light some candles, discover yourself...

Welcome to my estate. I've hired you on a highest recommendation, and I've been told that when you were let go, you were turned into a fuckler. Now get on your Jeeves and suck me up.

Get on my Jeeves.

So yeah, we're quite right.

Quite right.

Get on. Get on your Jeeves and suck up.

Bump, bump, bump, bump, bump. Gloria Estefanix.

Salt Stefanix. Hooked on. Hooked on. Gloria Estefanix. Erin? Erin? Yes, I'm just trying to... Hooked on Gloria Estefanik. Your eyes are closed and there is a saline substance running down your cheeks.

I love how JVC repeated a joke he knew I would love to bring me back to life. It's like putting those smelling salts in front of someone's nose after they've fainted.

Gloria Estefanik.

Hair and hair and a funny Gloria Estefan. Get on your salt. This actually is a pretty good transition to what we're gonna do next. Hi Adal, Erin and JPC. My name is RJ. I'm from Rhode Island and I absolutely love Hey Riddle Riddle. Wait, is this RJ Grant's?

Yes.

We helped me through a 22-hour car ride from Rhode Island to Florida without losing my mind. They wrote some riddles.

I like how we helped someone not lose their mind when we have gone full-blown insane from doing this podcast.

This is the most unlistenable episode and we know. I'll give you a clue that will lead you to the name of an actor or actress and a fictional character from a movie, TV, theater, or books. The two names will blend into each other. For example, If I give you the clue, this actor is a huge fan of Adal Dazeem and strikes fear into the hearts of wizards and witches.

John Travolta-ness.

John speak his name. The answer would be... John Travolta-mort. Yep. You got it. Nice. Fun, right? Some are better than others, but I had fun making them, so I hope you have fun solving them. I already know we will. These are all. The wickedly talented Harry Potter. There are a few special ones at the end that I think you might like. All right.

Okay.

Clue. The playwright, lyricist, and star of Broadway's historic smash hit, does many lovable idiotic antics on Parks and Rec.

Lin-Manuel Miranda Sandberg? No. Lin-Manuel Miranda me caller.

You're on the right track.

Randy, baby.

Randy Sandberg. Is it the character? Is Andy something?

Oh, what's his name? Andy? Well, his name on the show is Andy. It's Chris Pratt.

It's Chris Pratt.

Andy Dwight.

Dwyer.

Lin-Manuel Miranda Dwyer.

Yeah, you got it. All right. Let me get through the whole thing and then you can buzz in because I feel like you're going to get these pretty quickly. This Hermione Granger actress returns to London and slits the throats of several patrons, but doesn't let their bodies go to waste.

Emma Watson, Son of Bleaker Street. What's the Butcher of Barber of Deville? What's his name? Johnny Deville. Cecil B. Deville.

It's a musical?

Yeah, I know what it is. Emma Watts Sweeney Todd Buzz. Do you say it first and then say buzz?

You say buzz first.

No, I won't do it that way. Emma Watts Sweeney Todd?

Some are better than others. You're just jealous that JPC got it. Hell yeah. The actress and producer of Pretty Woman in Homecoming fame is a secluded mystery who never leaves their house except to save Jem and Scout.

Oh, I got it Buzz. Julia Roberts-Peck.

Who's the mysterious person who never leaves our house?

Oh, Boo Radley. Is that what it is?

Julia Rob Boo Radley. These are fun! I'm having fun, you have the bad attitude.

I feel like a person thought of a fun idea and then was unable to execute on it.

There's a bunch of fun left. JPC, I want to see a scene. Yes. Actually, I don't want to see a scene. I just want you to close your eyes and picture this. What if for Halloween this year you had a sheet all over you with the eyes cut out and you were holding a sweet citrus beer type beverage and you went as Boo Radler? Is that fun? And open your eyes.

Adal, I'd like you to close your eyes. I want you this Halloween to go as a, let's say you're kind of Olivia Newton-John-esque, tight leather, hold on, Olivia Newton-John-esque, but you are also cut with lemonade.

Olivia Newton-John as cut with lemonade would be an Arnold Palmer grease.

No, no, no. I think alcoholic.

You're alcoholic.

Olivia Newton-John. An alcoholic Olivia Newton-John cut with lemonade and in the summertime. I think you would be... Summer Shandy?

Holy shit, that's great.

I love that.

Summer Shandy? Are you ready for one?

I would also love for someone to go as Halloween. What was the last one that we just did? The answer to the last one? I would love for someone to have to explain to a bunch of people. It's like, no, I'm Julia Roberts Boo Radley.

Can someone please come to one of our live shows dressed as that?

JBC, that riddle you just made up? Might be Elastigirl, because it's fucking incredible.

Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. She fucks Mr. Incredible. The unabbreviated name of everyone's favorite Fokker fan is a sword-wielding Cimmerian, most recognizably portrayed by Arden.

It buzzed, I know it, but I want Japes to answer it because it's for him.

The former Disney actress known for her devilish movie with Meryl Streep becomes a chemistry teacher with a much less wholesome job on the side

You're having fun! Yes ma'am.

This peculiar host is no shit all Sherlock and equates the randomness of life to a box of chocolates. This star of Pulp Fiction has had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane and has devoted his life to the law. After finding out he's been hiding in plain sight, he becomes obsessed with capturing 24601.

Jackson Jackson. Oh god. What's that Javert note? Samuel L. Javert.

Samuel L. Javert.

Javert.

Samuel L. Javert. I'll die laughing at that today. You died laughing at that? That's so funny.

We're going to edit these out and, Jape, come up with a few more of yours.

RJ, these are amazing. This lovely Bostonian and IO frequenter rescues a damsel with flowing blonde locks from a tower.

Erin Keif Mandymore.

Yup, Erin Keif Mandymore.

Russell's a damsel from his dress? No, saves a damsel from a tower. Which would be Erin Keif Rapunzel. But who saves Rapunzel?

Flynn Rider.

That's his name?

Erin Keif Flynn Rider.

I thought Flynn Rider was the kid from Boy Meets World.

Can't he be both? Are we having fun? Yes. All right, I want to see a scene. Um, JPC, you are Rapunzel.

Um, Adal, you are... Hey Adal, suck my ass. I'm Rapunzel.

Put a banana in it. Adal, you are a prince who's come to save Rapunzel. You climb up her hair. No, not Prince. Just Prince Charming. Yeah, you're Prince Charming, you've come to save Rapunzel, and JPC as Rapunzel, you're like, I don't really want to go.

Okay.

With you.

Okay, go ahead. Wait.

Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your long hair. You want me to jump in the waters of Lake Minnetonka?

No, no, no. Oh! I heard you have a long baby, your hair? The hair to your fortune, let down your long hair. I will raise it in my kingdom and you can, of course, wither away here until your old creepy bag of hair and bones, but not to be morbid.

Give me a second and I'll let down my long hair. Catherine? You're not very pretty. And you're not very smart. And you're never really going to be a success. Are you talking in a mirror? Okay, no, I just let down my long hair. I didn't do it gently. Let me check in with her. Catherine, how are you feeling?

Catherine, how are you feeling? Oh no.

Here comes the water works. Are you drowning someone? No, I'm just crying. She's just drowning her sorrows. Tell her to put a cork in it. She's like Amelia Bedelia, so she's doing it literally. Yeah, my little Catherine Bedelia. Stop that noise somehow. Okay, let me just trumpet her. Is that her end? Start spreading the news. Honey, you're being Jason Derudo. I'm leaving for so.

Jason Derudo.

You're being Jason Derudo. We have a guest outside.

Jason Derudo. Yes.

My name is Fucking McBuck. Oh, I love Boy Meets World. Oh, thank you.

Thousands of dollars on improv classes. His name is Fucking McBuck.

I think we've all died and went purgatory. I call it purgatory because I keep barfing.

Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there. I'm gonna stop right there. Just read the script for the mustard.

I tried to be a devil, and it hurt my throat. Pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, when a devil's in your throat. Holy shit. I tried to be a devil and I hurt my throat. Oh, what a mess. Who is that from, Erin? Bless this mess. That was from RJ?

That was from our, let me just double check.

Do you guys know RJ? What is it? Oh, it's RJ Bores. You know that? Better make it RJ. Better make it RJ. Better make it RJ Bores.

RJ, yeah.

RJ, I really loved that attempt. I don't think you quite got there, but I can't wait for you to write a few more.

No, they got, no.

You really didn't, RJ.

I listened to the entire backlog, and I listened, and I eagerly await for new episodes. I don't think I've ever laughed harder than I have listening to this podcast.

RJ doesn't get points for listening to the entire backlog. I fucking did the entire backlog. I recorded all those, RJ.

Yeah, but you were on your phone the whole time. You were really kind of out, he's looking at his phone.

What's happening? I heard, I know, I know I heard someone say I'm handsome.

Is that part, is that, should I jump in? No, no, no, we said you're now enhancing.

Salt.

All I heard was Erin talking for more than three seconds, so I thought, gotta jump in.

I think that you're going to both be in a lot of trouble for this episode. Really? And I'm just going to watch it happen.

From all the Keif heads out there?

No, I just think people are going to be like, it's hard to listen to a lady get interrupted.

Okay, well here's what we'll do. Good luck existing in society. Here's what we're going to do. We're going to end the episode with 10 uninterrupted minutes of just Erin.

Oh my god, I hate the sound of my own voice. This is going to be great!

Alright, so... That had to have been 10 million.

Come on! I gotta deal with my stuff!

Alright, so here are all of my thoughts. Give me a topic and I'll give 30 seconds of uninterrupted my thoughts. A topic.

Topic? Tambourines.

Tambourines. That's not a good topic. Give me like a piece of pop culture and I'll go off on it. Star Trek. Okay. I would say Chris Pine, who is in Star Trek, is one of the best Chris's in pop culture right now. I also really, really, really like Chris Evans. And I don't know how much of that is him being from Massachusetts. I can't tell how charismatic he is. I think JPC is literally timing me. Chris Pratt's pretty good. He's not my favorite.

You're literally joking.

I think he might be kind of not that good in real life. I don't know. I don't want to judge anyone. Who am I forgetting? Chris? Oh, you know who I love? Is Chris Hemsworth. Lots of good Chris's.

You've been going for seven seconds. Just for the audience's sake, Adal is a man, I do want to mention Chris Everett, who's amazing. And Erin listed all men, which is weird, but I just want to give some shout out to some really amazing female athletes out there.

And I want to say Christianner, and then I also want to say Kylie Jenner. And Christina Navratilova.

So I have a separate Instagram account where I follow celebrities and artists and people who I don't know in real life because I read that once that you're not supposed to follow celebrities and people you know on the same social media account.

Because they could meet.

Yeah, because they can meet. No, because your brain like starts to see the people you know as like celebrities and then you start to be too familiar with people who you don't know in real life and you start to get too invested. And so I have a separate Instagram account where I follow everyone I don't know and I only check that like once a month.

Give it a plug. No! Wait is that why I've been messaging all of my friends for pictures of their feet?

Yep.

Fuck me. I knew I shouldn't be doing that.

What's up, guys?

Well, Erin, we asked you to talk about Star Trek. You talked about Star Trek for zero seconds. And classic Star Trek actors, Chris Pine.

I mean, he was in the recent movies.

Yeah. I didn't really watch the show growing up. I didn't really have access to it, but a lot of people I love really liked the show. So maybe that's something that all.

You didn't have access to it. Your parents had that Star Trek blocker on their TV, right?

Yeah. No fun, no Star Trek.

Those called No Cable.

No Cable.

Erin, is this a fun joke? If I was a magician dressed up like a USS Enterprise captain with a red shirt on and I said to you, Picard, any card, looks like a deck of cards.

I like it.

Yeah.

That's really good.

Can you help me workshop it? Can we use some of this 10 minutes to workshop that joke?

Yeah. Picard. Eddie Picard.

Okay, thank you. That's way better. Thank you so much. Adal, do you have anything that you would like to plug? Besides my butt with a banana, I would say come check out our Patreon. And remember when this episode was supposed to be on Island Time? And then it's the most frantic wild show. Check out our Patreon. It's only $5 a month. You get four bonus episodes. We get our live shows up there. We have our D&D campaign. A lot of fun stuff going on. Also, I'm going to pull out a little bit of doctor recommendations and say please read the book, The Seven and a Half Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle, one of the best books I've read in a long time. And it's kind of like Roundhog's Day meets Agatha Christie. There's a murder that happens and this guy has 24 hours. He wakes up every day as a different house guest in this mansion at this party and he gets to see the day through their perspective. It's fantastic.

Oh, interesting. That's very cool. Uh, J.P.S. do you have anything to plug? Nothing much for me right now. Um, you know, uh, follow me on Instagram as always at sharkbarkman, follow me on Twitter at J.P. So fly, uh, come see us in world news, go to our tea public store and get a t-shirt. Uh, I was wearing a dead stop t-shirt and Erin's mom really enjoyed that. Uh, and that's it for me, Erin.

Follow me, Erin Keif 10, on Instagram. Or at Bodega Cat. The hint is it's a profile that I made for my friend and that she never used and so it's just under her name. It has no followers.

Yeah, one day why she never used Emily Sucks to... Emily Sucks!

I made a web series a few months back that I'm so proud of and it's so funny and it features a lot of very funny people around the city and we're gonna do a live showing where we're gonna show all of the episodes because we're not gonna release them on the internet for a really long time. It'll be info about if you live in Chicago and you want to come see that. They'll be on my Instagram info about that soon.

Japes, did you say un-trusting? Un-trusting. That's what I say when someone says something that's not interesting to me. Un-trusting.

Un-trusting. Okay, let's see here. What's, how do we get, okay, so imagine- I don't need no man.

Erin, what's the deal with a- Jupiter!

Oh no! Bye forever. This has been Hey Riddle Riddle, created by Adal Rifai, starring Erin Keif and John Patrick Coan.

That was a hate gun podcast.