Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

No shit. Oh, Sherlock, it's Hey Riddle Riddle. I'm Adal Rifai. I'm JPC.

And I'm Erin Keif.

And we're doing another Hollywood Night. Hollywood Night.

Hollywood Night.

We've yet to record one of these at night. Better LA than ever. Yeah. It's all Hollywood early morning slash mid-afternoons.

We having fun?

Yeah, I'm doing great.

Erin, anything to say?

I'm so good. I've never been better.

Well, for our final Hollywood Nights episode, we are thrilled to be joined by... Unless we release these in a different order, We're thrilled to be joined by some of our favorite podcasters. You might know them from Big Ronda, you might know them from The Teachers Lounge, which is on New Seasons starts soon or maybe out already on Stitcher Premium. You can also get the first five seasons on iTunes and Earwolf.com. We have with us Dan, John, and Ryan. Thank you all so much for being here.

Thanks so much for having us. This is what John's voice sounds like. This is what Dan's voice sounds like.

And this is also Dan's voice.

I'm Ryan. Thank you so much for being on. At JPC you're gonna be Old Main Puzzles.

Yeah, so I will be kind of reading some riddles and guiding us through the just journey and adventure that is riddles on a podcast. But before we do that, we always like to ask our guests the same question, which is what is your relationship with riddles, puzzles, lateral thinking, problems? Do you like them? Do you hate them? Just to recap for the three hosts, Adal is in favor of them, Erin absolutely hates them, and I'm completely indifferent to anything and everything.

You guys cover the whole spectrum. That's smart. That's really good. So this is torture for you every time, Erin.

Yep.

I said yes to this to be polite, and I'm still here. That would be on my gravestone.

I'm just being polite.

I'm even in the cemetery just to be polite. I wanted to be cremated.

R.I.P. in 1982, whatever you want.

Is my gravestone too big?

You have too much space even in death. It's just a matchbox.

It just has a midwestern... You can move me if you need. I love riddles personally. Growing up, I really liked using my logic brain and not my creative brain. So I like them because it allows me to feel smart. Hey Riddle.

I don't like people beating me at riddles. And it does feel like once someone knows one, they're not going to give you the time to think about it. So it's kind of like you don't get the joy of solving it unless you're the one that solves it first.

Yeah, there's a race to not feeling dumb.

I don't think that I like them because I am very stupid. I think, in this capacity, I'm dumb. I think I won't get a single one of these riddle friends.

And John brought a teleprompter, which is very unusual.

He wrote this thing about himself. And I even wrote in all of these ums. And this part.

Now it's your turn. Have you guys ever done an Escape the Room, either as individuals with friends or together?

Yes, I've done them and I don't like them. I would love to do one alone but I don't like doing them with other people. Was there a theme to it? Yeah, I did one that was like getting out of an old Hollywood theater and so you have to like talk to the actress who was killed here, who's a ghost, you know all this stuff. It was fun but we all got really frustrated, the group got frustrated. But I think we beat it though.

That's good. I think they still do it but this kind of like UCB-associated thing used to happen every year called The Odyssey. This woman named Susie Barrett. I was an improviser and teacher. I don't know why I have to tell you who she is. But she would put it on. Everyone just paused at Google. You'll be very happy. Did you mean Kerry Barrett? Who's that? I don't know. But she put it on and it was this whole really well planned out thing and everybody would do it as their improv and sketch team where you would drive around LA, solve Riddles, and the first team to win, it's just cool, it's really fun, and then they throw a big party afterwards.

It's like a giant scavenger hunt.

Yeah, exactly. But it would always, for our improv team, Winslow, Be like the biggest asset test for what everyone doesn't like about each other. Or like what everyone's kind of thing is. Where it's like, oh you're not going to make a decision. Like, oh you're going to make a decision way too fast.

Oh John's not going to drive fast enough and put us in danger.

Yeah, sometimes you do, like sometimes you gotta race, you know. You gotta go, you gotta go head to head in a race. I get screamed at for not running red lights for an ECB scavenger hunt.

We used to make fun of John for stopping at Yellows and then he ran one once and I almost got killed.

This car literally almost t-boned us and it was the scariest thing that's ever happened. Yes. What is it?

It was right all along.

Is it like a based on... where'd you grow up?

I grew up in North Carolina. Okay. Which is... I don't think that... That explains it. It's like pretty polite but there's just no stoplights. In my hometown I had one stoplight and it was always red. You were also on a horse. They want to do it.

Horses love to give people rides.

They love it. It's not torture for them. Their favorite spot to get kicked is right in their stomach.

They're not majestic, beautiful animals. They're just cars. Hey Riddle.

Horsies full of clothes. They're like a tap. What do you think holds the meat together?

That's one of my favorite fan arts we've had which is drawing a horse where it's half man, half horse, and it's just down the middle. So it's like the right half is a man with one leg and the other the left half is a horse. Like two-faced? Yeah, exactly. But it was nightmarish.

Yes, thank you. Ron Tepesintar. Okay, so today I'll be playing Old Man Puzzles. The Old Man Puzzles responsibility is to curate some puzzles. These are all listener submitted riddles, puzzles, lateral thinking problems that you will all have to solve. We're going to start off with a little bit of an easy one.

Can I ask what lateral thinking means?

Oh, Adal would love to explain this. You've been doing this podcast for like 50 episodes, no one knows what the fuck it means except Adal.

So lateral thinking means that you just have to think outside basic thoughts in terms of like, what'd you say? The button? The button. Think outside the button Taco Bell. Hey, fourth meal bitch. We are sponsored by Taco Bueno, so he's their menu. Thank you so much. So it's almost like using a lot of like homonyms or classic one to me is There's a cabin in the woods, there's several people dead inside, there's no footprints leading up to the cabin, how did all the people inside die? And it's the cabin of an airplane. So thinking outside what a cabin can constitute, or what word, if you add two letters, makes it shorter? So we're short if you add ER. So it's that kind of thinking. I'm so fucked. Versus treating it as a trivia question, treating it as something that you have to think through outside the button.

So in trivia, your knowledge can help you, but here, nothing can help you.

Well the question is the answer, right? So you just gotta find where in the question the answer is. That's what it seems like.

That's the smartest thing that's been said on this podcast.

Thank you.

And I was just about to say thinking inside the bun would be anal sex. Now I feel dumb. No, that's the smartest thing.

This is a riddle submitted by Tom. Tom says, hey guys, I love the podcast. Sorry, Erin.

What?

I have for you guys again. Sorry, Erin. Jesus, Tom.

It's 2019.

If they met you, they would have said you. What two things can you never eat for breakfast? I know. What two things can you never eat for breakfast? Spaghetti.

Thank you. And meatballs. And red wine. I have it.

Can I say this is like classic lateral thinking?

This I think is, what did you say Erin?

Plates.

Plates. Oh! Now I have to ask John, did Erin saying plates help you or did what Adal said help me?

It was what Adal said. So plates Erin, plates are very cold.

I think.

And Dan, how are you doing knowing that three people have this?

What's your internal monologue right now Dan? I was thinking about different silverwares, and then I was thinking about I want to eat a bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit.

And that would be something that you couldn't have for breakfast. So I will say as a hint, do not think about individual food items. That will not help you.

Because something like Bagel Bites, you can have pizza in the morning. Pizza in the evening. Pizza at supper time.

You're sad, yeah. When pizza's on a bagel, you're poor.

What two things can you never eat for breakfast? I don't know. I don't know it either. Erin didn't get it. I didn't get it. Well, that's par for the course. And Dan, you've been so lovely. And I'm sorry to do that. I want to see a quick scene. Let's have Dan and JPC. You two are playing a game of Settlers of Catan. JPC is absolutely fucking owning you. And Dan, you're trying as best you can to just be really, to just let it wash over you. Okay, cool.

Now I know I can trade sheep to the bank three for one because of my port, but I'll give you three sheep for an ore. Does that sound good?

The way you're saying it... Let me put it this way. That would be very helpful to you. That would be very helpful to you. Okay, I'll take the three sheep. Okay, that's a fool's errand because you didn't need sheep. Well, no, no, but... Because we're out of cards. Well now, okay, well as long as I don't roll a seven, I'm fine. As long as I don't roll a seven, I'm fine. It's your roll. And it's a seven.

I brought over Dixit.

Did you want to play Dixit?

I'm not familiar with Dixit.

It's really fun. It's a lot of art. It's art-based.

Yeah, I guess I could give it a try.

It's D-I-X-I-T. I know it sounds like I said Dixit, but it is a real game.

I felt like I was about to... I felt like it was one of those like... Did someone just tell my dog Richard to sit?

I am my dog's owner and I will tell it when to sit and when to stand and when to roll over.

I'm so sorry, sir. I was trying to say the name of a game dicks it. Oh, there your dog goes again. Look, honestly, I'm not trying to... Don't apologize to me.

Apologize to Richard. The dog? No, Lewis. Yes, my dog. Richard? Richard? Richard?

Yes. This man has something to say to you. I'm sorry, Richard. I was kind of getting into it with my friend and I was trying to introduce a new game. I guess I'm sorry. I sit cucked your owner and told you to sit instead of him.

I only respond to one man. Please don't ask me to sit again.

Okay, I apologize. Thank you. Okay.

May my dog play whatever game you're playing?

Well, is that okay? Would your dog like to play a game of each one? What is that? Each one?

Can you explain the rules to my dog?

Can you say it in a way that makes me want to explain it?

Would you please explain the rules of?

Of what? Of each one?

Of each one.

Each one of these nuts?

Good day sir. So that's our brand of humor.

I thought, I thought that's what, is Dix at a game?

Dix, it's a really fun game. It's the game I always want to play. You get all these cards and they all have little like different like paintings on them. It's beautiful. They're all like dreamscapes. It's all wild. And then it becomes kind of like apples to apples where someone picks one of their own cards and doesn't show it to anyone and creates some sort of phrase to describe the card. It can be whatever they want. And then they put it in the middle and then everyone else puts their card that most looks like it would be that phrase. And you try to trick everyone into thinking your card was the It's almost like Balderdash, but with just like a fantastic art.

It's so easy for stupid people to play. That's so good.

That's what a game should be, right? I should put that on the box.

I think so. And John, you can put down those crayons and paper and join the podcast. No, I'm good over here. John's working on his teleprompter.

Anyone who knows the answer to this riddle like to say the answer to this one. Oh yeah, I'd like to hear y'all say it at the same time.

Lunch and dinner. I just figured it out. I just figured it out.

That was good. Is that what you guys all thought?

The only two things that you can't have for breakfast are lunch and dinner. Of course.

That's interesting. I had beans and cauliflower.

Oh I know it. It's beans and cauliflower. Those are dinner dishes only.

That is corrected as beans and cauliflower. Okay, cool. So this next riddle, ooh, let me see who submitted this one.

What about breakfast, dinner for breakfast? That's what I was gonna say. That's tricky.

Technically, we do call that Brenner. What about Brexit? Brexit? What about Dixit? No. Yeah, okay. That riddle's wrong, so you're a fucking idiot for submitting that. I'm sorry. You're a waste of your time.

And Tom, that's the teachers lounge. Pay money to listen to our episodes.

Get your premium. Okay, this one is from Grace. A mom has eight kids. Their names are January, February, March, April, May, June, July.

What was the kid's name? Is Grace under fire?

Grace, you're fired. Yes, Adal, very good joke. And I want to give you direct eye contact and praise.

Can you read it one more time at the beginning?

Yes, I can read it all the way from the beginning. A mom has eight kids. Their names are January, February, March, April, May, June, and July. What was the eighth kid's name?

Wait, I thought you said Grace up top. Grace is the person who submitted.

Oh, gotcha, okay. And Grace is not the correct answer. Is that your guess?

I would hate to be named February.

What about February Jones? She was on madnip, famously from North Dakota. A mom has eight kids. Yes. January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August. I will say it's not important that it's a mom. What is the eighth kid's name?

Yes, what is the eighth kid's name?

It doesn't have a name yet because she's still pregnant.

Oh. Okay, and wouldn't you think life begins, Erin?

Let's get into it.

I'm happy you asked. Well, every kiss begins with K, and every life begins with a conception.

Every life begins with K. Every life begins with conception.

See, this is gonna kill me.

I'm going to say August.

August is a great first guess. August is not correct.

I'm going to say December. It was the first skin.

Oh yeah, that's smart. That actually is very smart.

That is incorrect. Leap year? Leap year, incorrect. January, February, March, April, May, June, and July. What was the eighth kid's name?

I will tell you.

July? No, I will tell you.

And was the seventh name.

Your closest to your closest of all. With that line of logic. Do you have it? No. Oh, okay.

Wait, we didn't get that.

I just like that hint. Okay, a mom has eight kids. Their names are January, February, March, April, May, June, and July. What was the eighth kid's name?

And August? Nope.

And Peggy? I will say that a month is not part of their name. And from everything that I've read, I've already given you the answer.

Oh, is it Mom Junior?

It's Mom Junior. Fuck! Yes, it's Mom Junior. That's a good name. That is a good name for like a dog or daughter.

Why is it Mom Junior? Is there logic to that?

To me, honestly, the logic is that there might be one named after the parent, because I don't know what other context clues there are. Because if it had said, like, you know, Phyllis' mom has eight kids all the month, then I'd be like, it's Phyllis.

It could be a dad. This is a wording one. That is correct, Erin. It is a wording one.

And I hate these.

Is it written funny? It's not written funny, but I think reading it you would understand it immediately.

Oh, we don't have the answer yet.

Oh, is something spelled different?

Is it a feral child?

Nothing is spelled different and it is not a feral child, but Adal, that is an excellent guess. I actually can't say for sure if it's not a feral child. Wait. Okay.

I know. Great. I think.

Okay, cool.

Can we hear John's answer?

So only the Johns in the room have the answer to this. Yeah, I think I know. Would you like to just fucking stun everybody with it?

Part of the riddle now for me is I've learned from that clue that your first name is John. Now I've got to learn what the P and the C stands for.

You have to see it, you have the whole podcast to do it. Wait, P is podcast?

It's not a John podcast. It's John podcast comedy. I am scared of that I think I know. I'm scared that I think I know it. Because I don't want to say it all that because I'm terrible. It's okay to be wrong.

Should we just say we all know it and then make Erin say it again?

There's a chance that someone has already said this and I didn't hear them say it because I was lost and thought about this riddle. That's okay. Let's hear it.

What you're experiencing right now is what Magneto felt when he realized his powers. You have these terrible powers and you can't unleash them all the way.

John, right now you're treating this answer like it's a yellow light. We need you to go.

I think that the kid's name is July. You said that? I may have thought about it

I do want to see a scene with this John and with Erin. You two are new parents. You already have seven kids that you've named in some sort of, it's like some sort of list or some sort of obvious order. But this eighth kid you want to mix it up a little bit.

Right. So we have Scorpio Sagittarius. Yeah. Aquarian.

And again, I'd love to break out of the whole, uh, like astrology thing. Welcome. I don't, you know, I don't buy this stuff, hon. I, like, I feel like we're sort of like setting our kids up to A, be made fun of B, they're going to read what their horoscope is and it's going to be different from what their name is. It's going to cause so much confusion.

We didn't plan- Who's going to make fun of a little boy named Gemini? Everyone. I would.

I would make fun of a kid named Gemini when I was in high school. To be fair, cancer does run in the family. So there is a chance that any of us could die from cancer, but you're not going to die from cancer because your name is cancer, okay? When these kids come at you and they say, you know what, blame it on your mother.

What? Oh my goodness.

She wanted to name you. She wanted to name you this.

Yeah, and mom and dad will probably die from cancer. That's something that you'll have to deal with. I've already had one scare. Yeah, and your name will haunt you and remind you of our death, sure. But also it's sort of fun.

It could also maybe be a positive thing.

You know what honey? You can name the new baby. That's a great idea.

That's how I got my name. My brother named me three days before I was born. I changed the name that my parents were going to give me.

What were they going to name you?

They were going to name me David, but three days before I was born, my brother said, I want my brother's name to be Jonathan.

Can we name him Sticker? Yes! Yes! That's so fun! Who's gonna make fun of a kid named Sticker?

Let's just listen. Let's give him two seconds to think of on a real name.

Good point. What about decal?

Sticker it is.

Can we get a tasty little hint?

So I will read it one more time. The answer, I'm going to read you the answer. A mom has eight kids. Their names are January, February, March, April, May, June, and July. What was the eighth kid's name? That was the hint? I just gave you the answer.

What? The kid's fucking name is What.

Oh my god.

One of those ones. You got played by the best.

You got played by Grace.

Grace. I had a fucking Uber driver give me one of those riddles, so I was trapped in the car for 15 minutes.

Dan just leaned back really hard and threw his arm over the couch.

He was really leaning into this. And he kept repeating it and emphasizing it and I was like, can you tell me? Like, it's more miserable than making conversation for you to repeat a riddle at me for 15 minutes when I'm trapped in your car.

It really has to be a thing that both people want. Absolutely. You can't go like, I know something and I'll never tell you. It's not fun.

The same as close-up magic. It's like, I just didn't ask for this.

You just stole my watch. This isn't fun.

It's a pricey digitization. It's amazing. I want to see a scene. Ryan, you're going to be an Uber driver who's kind of fun. And Dan and JPC, you are passengers getting in. Gotcha.

Hey, what's up, guys? How we doing?

We can have a long night, so just head home.

Alright, if you want to get to destination, you gotta answer this riddle. What's black and white? Are we in like a cash cab type thing? Not at all. There's no prize. There's no prize. Just if you want to get to your destination.

The prizes I get to the place I paid for?

Yeah. Well, you haven't paid yet.

I told you you should cancel when you got a guy who was one star. What's black and white?

What's black and white and red all over?

Just by your look, I can tell this is going to be a racial answer. And I may be uncomfortable with that.

Can you at least put the car in drive and go towards this nation? I'll creep.

I'll creep forward. If we start guessing, can we maybe... Black and white and red all over.

Well, I think a lot of times it's a newspaper. But you have given us the hint that it is racially charged.

That's right! So that's one bad guess. I'm gonna go ahead and throw it into reverse here.

We are dangerously close to the precipice.

Please, please, we beg you.

Please, please, please, please, please. We just came back from scattering our father's ashes on this cliff. Oh gosh.

Thanks for coming all the way out here, bro.

No problem, yeah. You weren't in the area, though, correct? I was. Yeah, I was in the area. So what's black and white and red all over to stay on land?

It does just feel like even the act of trying to guess I might say something that's racist and wrong and I don't want to take that.

Well, you're going to have to say something that's racist and correct if you want to go forward.

I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say none in a blender, which is not racist, but does make me uncomfortable.

Yeah, that was it. None in a blender. So here we go into drive and we're rolling forward.

Thank you. Thank you.

Now, if you want to get to your destination, you'll have to answer one more rule.

I feel like the rules keep changing. That's right. Ryan, do you give us permission to make our new t-shirt design racist and correct?

Absolutely.

As long as I am not on it.

And your face.

Oh, that last one was a toughie. It was really frustrating, that what answer. It made me feel pretty stupid.

My confidence is shut.

These make us all feel stupid. That's kind of the point, and that's why we're all getting off big time.

When you get them in the email or whatever, do you try to solve it before you read the answer? The email or the letter or the phone call?

Just because I'm holding a big whiteboard in my hand. Yeah, I get these from a phone call from my dad once every year.

Okay, here's the one from Grace.

No, I don't want to hear about your life.

I want to give you riddles from a man named Tom.

Dan, what was the question? Oh, just do you try to solve it before you read the answer?

Usually. Usually no. I kind of want to play along with these as well. We normally don't have three guests on the podcast, so if it's just the three of us, we like to play along. But I did look at most of these ahead of time. The other thing is, since we're having guests and this is a special episode, we wanted to make sure that these weren't absolute dog shit. So I did kind of preen and prep What does preen mean? I like that word. Preening your penis. I thought it was a lady and waiting word. Preening is when birds pick bugs out of each other. And the other word I was looking for was primp.

Prim and preem.

I'm asking, I don't know.

It makes me think of prune. Like pruning a tree. Yeah. It makes me think of... Preme makes me think... I have a monologue.

And also primped I had a couple of years ago, right? His family's still fighting over that music. That wasn't me talking about that again, Adal.

Preston Preme primped. Preston Preme, my man.

Okay, cool. So we're gonna do one more riddle before we take a quick break. This is a riddle from Paul. Paul says a bunch of words at the top of this. They also said that they're submitting a few riddles that they read in a book about 16 years ago, which seems like a weird brag.

And I think I remember all the details from memory, so bear with me. I'm kind of a baby genius.

Yeah, he does go out of the way to say 17 years old. But Paul does say that they think that we will like them. So here's the first of the four riddles that Paul has sent.

Are we doing all four?

We're gonna do one and then we're gonna take a little break because we gotta get sponsored baby. Two boys are playing near some woods. One says to the other, you know, I can run halfway into these woods and back again in ten minutes. The other says that's nothing. I can run two-thirds of the way into the woods and back again in nine minutes. The first boy says, that's impossible. Why? I can run halfway into these woods and back again in 10 minutes. The other says I can do two thirds of the way into the woods and back again in 9 minutes. And the first boy says that's impossible. The question is why? Because it just is.

Because it just is by sheer distance.

Because it just is, man. I do want to see a scene. Let's have Dan, John, and Erin, your three kids, little kids in the woods, and you're just making dumbass bets. I could eat this whole tree.

You think so?

I could eat this whole tree. I don't think so. Oh yeah, I bet you I could eat the dirt that's around it too. Okay, mine was way harder. Mine was harder. Why's your harder? A whole tree and you can eat some dirt? And the tree! Oh, oh wow. Okay, that's hard.

The tree's not gonna be hard to eat. It's filled with maple syrup. That's a good tree to eat!

That's even harder! Yeah, because it gets stumped up, gummed up in your throat. It's gonna get gummed up in my throat.

You boys are idiots. Watch this.

Pardon me sirs, I don't mean to intrude, but it seems like you have a bad attitude. I am the Lord. I speak for the trees.

I bet you I can eat this Lorax. I can eat him in one bite.

I can eat the Lorax in half a bite. What?

I beg of you sirs, I am but a Lorax. I would not taste good stuffed in your Lorax.

I could snort this Lorax.

Oh my god. Ground up or hole?

Hole!

Do it. Oh, she did it! Erin, you're geeked out on Lorax now.

I'm turning different colors.

My dad does Lorax sometimes.

Is that why he's never around?

I think, yeah, absolutely.

100% of the reason. Yes, dad's doing Lorax. Does anyone have an answer to the channel?

Yes.

Nice. I mean, I don't know.

Mine is so fucking good at this. Did you actually have one? Yeah.

Oh, you did go for it.

Do you want me to say it? Yeah, sure. Because you can't run, once you're halfway through, you can't run two-thirds through, right? Once you're two-thirds through, you're going out the other side. Exactly.

When you're halfway in, you're going halfway out.

Yeah, halfway and halfway out. Wow, you're smarter than this. And it says here, little kid.

Congratulations. John's kicking dirt in the corner.

Because once you get to the middle of the forest and you keep going, you're not... You're not going further in, you're going out the other side, right? So once you get halfway in, you're right in the middle. If you were to go two-thirds, right, you wouldn't be... There's no such thing as two-thirds in.

So it's two-thirds in is one-third in. Right.

That's why they say just the tip doesn't work.

John, you look like you're concentrating so hard that you're about to fall asleep.

I just, it still makes zero sense to me. And I think that we just need to let it be that way. Because I don't, I'll never understand. Because there's still two, I can eat two thirds of a pie. This is different. We're going to have to see John prove that.

We are going to take.

Yeah, but say you're on the outside of the, say you're at the crust and you go two thirds towards the middle. You can't go two thirds more. It's okay.

I'm going to take a quick break. John's going to eat a little tired pie. We're going to figure this out. We will be back with a little more riddles and puzzles.

Also, the second kid was paraplegic. His name was Decal. Two answers to it. The first kid was just me.

Hey Japes, why you got that big grin on your face?

Oh, this big grin?

Yeah, you look real smug. My Cheshire Cat grin, I guess you could say. Yeah, and what's going on with your peepers?

They look pretty good. My Cheshire Cat peepers? Well, first of all, ignore my peepers, ignore my grin. I have something that I cannot wait to tell the two of you about.

I can't ignore your eyes because you're dressed like the Chris Kattan SNL character Mr. Peepers. Well, I always thought I was dressed like Mango. What's the difference?

I don't know.

All of this is before my time.

I am going to fire my Chris Kattan costume guy. But you know what I'm not going to fire? I'm not going to fire my new favorite contact solution, SimpleContacts.com. Simple Contacts is rocking my world right now with how convenient, fast, and reliable their contact service is. You call them the Tom Petty of Contacts.

Is that a compliment? Yeah, because they're rocking your world. They have a ton of hits. They sing about Indiana.

And they don't have to live like a refugee. But here's why I love Simple Context. First, it's convenient. You know, we're running this podcast. We're in high demand. Every minute of our day is structured. Do we have time to go to the eye doctor? No. If I'm not going to go to the regular doctor to get my heart looked at, I'm certainly not going to go to the eye doctor to get my peepers done. So that's why I love simple context because I can do it all from the privacy of my own computer, my personal computer. Erin, that is literally the stupidest thing you've ever said. Why would you say that?

I say a lot of dumb stuff. Why would you say that?

Because, Erin, they do. Full stop. They do. They have the brands that you are looking for. They have all of the name brands that you love and want. And, hey, maybe you can find a brand that you don't even know yet.

Maybe you could really roll the dice on a mystery brand. Well, even just talking about simple context, my vision is better somehow. And if I'm able to read between the lines, which I think I am now that my eyesight's so good, I'm hearing that they're very fast as well. They do a vision test, which is self-guided and takes less than five minutes. Is that right?

It's very true. It must be very expensive. What are you saying? It must be so expensive.

Why would you ever say that? Why would you ever say that? Well, first of all, we wouldn't want to give that impression because they are a sponsor, but the vision test is only $20. Oh. Erin, now I demand that you compare that with an appointment without insurance that could cost up to $200. Erin paid me $40 to open a door for minutes ago.

Yeah, but I just wanted to see if he would.

And he would. And he did. And if you want to take advantage of a great deal with Simple Contacts, all that you have to do is go to simplecontacts.com slash riddle and use the promo code Riddle. That's simplecontacts.com slash riddle and enter the promo code Riddle when you check out.

Excuse me, are you kids talking about simple contacts in the vision test? My name is Dr. Oculus. Not to be confused with the Spiderman villain. No, of course.

Are you an ophthalmologist?

Of course, you saying that. No, no, no, I'm a pediatrician, but I do want to say that this isn't a replacement for your periodic full eye health exam. I just had to say that.

Yeah, you just had to say that it is not a replacement for your... And you tell Peter Parker if you see him that I'm gonna...

Get him.

We won't tell him and we won't see him, but we'll see you in perfect 2020 vision with our new Simple Contacts after you head to simplecontacts.com slash riddle and use promo code RIDDLE.

Off I go. Wink.

Welcome back to Hollywood Nice. Hollywood Nice.

Hollywood Nice. I finally did a funny voice.

You did a funny voice. That is very funny.

We like that. And John learned the riddle. We had to do some beautiful mind stuff. And I'm stuff. He ate the whole pie.

We had to teach you like math to kids with gummy bears. We had to like give you a whole pizza to win.

And then I ran half way into the pizza.

My little math genius is fat.

We don't want to be deaf or anything. That was the pizza we were going to eat on the plane with.

Why's your kid so fat? Learning. True.

Also don't ask me that. Hey why's your kid so fat? Fuck off.

I don't know why can't you conceive?

This isn't a segment, it's a Riddles for Mom.

Mom clapbacks. Okay, so this is, we're still working on Paul's Riddles, this is the second. Paul's getting in work today. A man jumps off a bridge onto a boat. He yells out for joy until someone walks up to him and says something. Then he starts crying.

I need that run back.

A man jumps off a bridge onto a boat. A man jumps off a bridge onto a boat. He yells out for joy until someone walks up to him and says something. Then he starts crying. What happened?

The man is David O. Russell and the person came up and said, Joy was not a great man.

And that person was America. America for her. John, can you give us a hand?

It's the seventh month of the year. Well, I don't know if this is true, but in my brain, Joy is a person.

I love the way you're thinking.

A man jumps onto a boat off a bridge.

No, Joy's not a person. He calls out for Joy? He yells out for Joy, but Joy lowercase j, not a person. Fuck.

Also, he asked for a hint, and based on what you thought the answer was, you gave us the answer.

No, the answer is what happened.

Dan, I was going to let it slide, but thank you. Thank you for saying that.

The answer is what's happened. I gotta stick up for John. The answer is what happens.

Joy being someone's name is not what happens. It's a detail.

I'm adding detail. Is it a boat in the nautical sense?

Yes. No, it's a gravy boat. It's a full house. It's a nautical boat.

Was this like a public proposal and someone said no?

Uh, Erin, you keep bringing it up, okay? You asked us all to stop talking about it, but you keep bringing it up.

Honestly, Dan's throwaway line of a full house, a full boat, is like if you jump off a bridge, like it could be switching up card games.

Joy Luck Love, yeah. Uh, no, it is not a proposal and it is not a card game.

Jumped off a bridge onto a boat, was yelling, screaming for Joy, jumping, what was that? Yelling out for Joy. Yelling out for Joy.

This is, I still think Joy's a person. Is it a seasonal thing?

Is this riddle a seasonal thing? I would say no.

You know what's crazy is I know I've heard this one before. Oh really? I still can't think of the answer.

I thought so too and I thought it was the joy was a person thing.

I've definitely come across riddles on this show that I've definitely heard before and still don't know the answer to it and that is very frustrating.

Was the man trying to self-harm?

No. He was absolutely not trying to self-harm.

Can you read it one more time all the way through?

Yes, okay. A man jumps off a bridge onto a boat. He yells out for joy until someone walks up to him and says something. Then he starts crying. What happened? I will say, as a hint, the part about someone walking up to him and saying something, maybe not necessary, he would have figured it out without a person.

He got onto the wrong boat. Um, yes. Yeah, like he thought he was, he... That is correct, to a certain extent. Got on a boat, I don't know, to somewhere, and he is going the opposite direction.

Yes, you're very, very close, Erin. But that's the what happened behind it. I think you're there.

Is it the Hudson Bay and the Man of Spalding Gray?

Oh, Adal, thank you so much. You took Erin's seed and you turned it into a full boat. What are other famous boats? Titanic? Yes, Titanic. No, it's not about specifically the boat. It's like, what is the situation?

He missed his boat. So we would, if you missed, okay, I have to see a scene.

Erin, we will see a scene where you are on a bridge looking down at a boat that is leaving a harbor. Let's see, John, we'll make you a passerby. Actually, anyone who wants to be a passerby can be. You are standing on top of the bridge about to jump off this bridge to jump onto a boat that you missed.

Hey, hey, don't do that.

What?

Don't please don't jump.

I think I'm totally gonna make it.

You're aiming for that boat?

Yeah, I'm just gonna wind up. I'm gonna run backwards and then run forwards real fast.

I'm sorry, I can tell by your... you can't make it.

You don't think I have the stamina?

It's not a stamina issue. I think it's like a leg strength issue. And also we're 45 feet up. If you hit the deck on that boat, you will die, ma'am.

You guys aren't talking about jumping off this bridge onto that boat, are you?

Well she was, and I'm trying to convince her not to.

There's another fairy in 30 minutes, and just go to the boat launcher.

Just interrupted, you say it wasn't a stamina issue? To me it appears to be a stamina issue.

I don't think we should roast this lady. All aboard! The boat hasn't left yet. All aboard! Just go down to the boat launch area.

Three, two, here we go. Someone film it. It's going to be amazing.

I'll film it. Please jump. I'm all aboard a town of here.

One and a two. Look at that lady.

I'm going to turn on some Van Halen.

I'm in the air. I'm doing it. I'm still in the air.

She's still in the air.

I'm still jumping.

Oh, your shirt caught on a pole.

I'm okay.

I was way wrong about the stamina thing. I think she would have made it. Did we get any hints?

Can we get a hint? So, Erin essentially has it. Just the specific situation.

Which part did you have?

That this person is jumping off a bridge onto a boat because they have missed their boat.

Is that the whole situation?

I can give you the answer if you'd like. So the man was trying to get onto a boat leaving the harbor to escape and steady landed on a boat that was going into the harbor. So the person who came up to him was telling him... Another out and in?

Well this one's tough. As a riddle? Why is he crying? It's not the worst news.

In my mind this man is trying to like escape something like his own wedding or a jail but now he's going right back into the room.

I think a riddle where it's based on the backstory you paid for it is not a riddle. I left out some stuff.

His name is Dave. He's been imprisoned.

My answer to that riddle I think would have been better.

The woman's name is Joy.

No, well there's more to it than that.

Can we hear this?

Yeah, Man and Joy were both jumping off the bridge to kill themselves. He hit the deck. He was like, oh my god, I'm so glad I didn't die when I hit the water. Because I'm more likely to live when I hit a boat. He screams out joy. This sucks. And he's like, are you here too? She's in the water, she's dead.

This is my new favorite movie.

That's beautiful. And I should tell you John, we do have a way for our listeners to immediately score things on the podcast to tell them if they were better and test out of the water. People really love that one.

Wait, testing out of the water into the boat.

I'm sorry I read that wrong. People do not like that.

It was testing out of the water. Oh no, John's weeping.

You became the Riddle. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Let him finish the pie. Okay, so here's another one. Two fathers and two sons walk into a pub. They all order a pint of beer costing $2.50. They hand over a $10 bill and get $2.50 and change. What did the bartender do? Why did the bartender do this?

How much did they hand over?

They handed a $10 bill, but got $250 and change. I know it. Each drink costs $250. I know it. I've heard this one. Yes. Yeah. Okay. Very nice. I think.

Yeah.

The way you celebrated was like you figured it out, but you were just celebrating having heard it before, John? I know this one. I fucking know it. I heard it before.

I think I know it. John walks into a movie theater just like, yes, I've seen John Wick 1 and 2. I'm going to get this. I'm going to know this. Yeah.

Two fathers and two sons, they all walk into a bar. A pub. A pub. Okay. Oh, oh. Huge. Huge. They're in England. It's pounds.

They all order a pint of beer and pay in American currency.

They order a pint. It's 250 a pint. They give a 10. They get a 250 back. Why did the bartender do this?

Two fathers. So in my mind, it sounds like they paid for three drinks.

Yes, correct. It's because they're all priests. Discount. Catholic discount. Catholic discount.

Does that exist?

I know it!

Who knows it? Everybody knows it? Oh, I don't know it.

You don't know it.

I think you'll be able to get this, Dan. That's so sweet of you.

But before we even get there, Dan, Adal, I want to see you two do a scene. You're going to be doing a scene. Ryan, let's make you a barkeep. You two are priests. You walk into a bar and you're trying to get the barkeep to give you the Catholic discount.

Hey, what's up? Oh. What's up, Ellis? What can I get you? I've never seen this before.

Thank you. It's so nice to meet you. I am a fella, just a common folk. This is my brother in Christ. How are you doing my child?

I'm doing well.

He's from our cork precinct. Precinct is what us priests use. Do you see our guns or our badges?

You guys don't have to be so weird. What can I get for you?

Okay, well, first we do want to check, are there any rabbis here? Anybody else you're expecting to walk through the door?

No, no other religious figures in here right now.

No rabbis? So we can let loose? Alright, well then we can put our guns away.

You bring the guns to protect you from the rabbis?

Oh yes. We kind of like cops, but it's also kind of like lichens and... Vampires? Vampires, yes. But anyway, we're looking for... A couple of waters? Well, well, well.

What do we have here? Two priests without their guns. Oh, you lied to us, barkeep. You lied to us. Stick it to the sky, fathers.

Raba Rabinowitz, take it easy.

No way. These rat bastards have been after us for years. But today, I got the upper orders.

Wait, wait, wait. Let me just get you guys a couple of drinks. Full price. And we'll just talk about this. No, no. Even better.

Even better. Give me a water. Give me a water.

Okay, sure.

Boom, it's wine. Free wine?

Oh, free wine.

Ah, a rabbi's only weakness.

Free wine. You don't have to pay for a rabbi. What a deal. The rabbi's sweating bullets.

Quick, grab those bullets, grab those bullets.

Ah, free bullets. Guys, guys, I do not want another holy war in here, okay? Can we just have a drink and discuss this?

Okay, okay. Where's your allegiance lie? Yes, you have to pick a side.

Listen, I'm the Gaza Strip, okay? I'm just a simple bartender.

Gaza Strip, what are your brothers and sisters' names?

I don't know. I shouldn't have used that. I don't know how to finish up. I don't know enough about the situation.

No, that sounds racist and correct. Let's hear it.

I don't know who's going to be mad at us. Someone's going to be mad at us.

Well, I plead ignorant.

I do like a rabbi versus priest rival review.

I immediately saw that in my head. Like I saw the like high stakes like film stand-off.

And it was shot just like the boondocks thing. It was like very cheesy. In my head it was very west side story. It was like a little dancy.

That's great too. I think they have plenty of options for the feeling.

I'd love to see the rabbi with the, what are the curls? With like little blades, like razor blades on the end.

He taps it in the knife hole.

You've also stumbled upon the secret to this podcast which is that we do premise improv and we never get to the premise. And also that we're always angry. We never try to get the discount. I really appreciate you guys trying to lead us back to what that premise was.

We quickly abandon that.

Alright, so does anyone think that they have the answer to father's two sons? I think three of us do. I haven't gotten a single one yet.

This sucks.

But I think it's because other people get them and you feel frustrated. I think if you weren't frustrated, you'd get them.

I've been thinking about this one for a while.

Should we build your confidence back up?

No, no, I don't need it.

I can give you a hint. You landed upon this. The hint is the whole fucking answer to this riddle. But yes, there are only three pints that they've ordered. They all order a pint, but they only get three.

So this one of the kids is under 21?

I think it's granddad, dad, and son, right? So it's only three people, but they are two fathers.

I would have never gotten that one. I would not have gotten that one. And I think I've also heard it before.

That was one of those trickies.

All these are those trickies.

You guys all knew that's what it was? I just feel like there's a lot of one person answering and then everybody who said they knew one would be like, yep.

I think the next one, I think it should be same time everybody says what the answer is.

Or, and then after that we do one where we can't move on until Dan gets it. Sorry listener. You'll be forcing the fires.

Okay, well we'll try it out on this one. This is a little bit of a longer story problem. A night watchman at a gas station had a weird 24 hours. Hi Riddle. The woman at a gas station had a weird 24 hours. He had a dream that one of the pumps where he worked had a leak and the next person who pulled it in would cause a spark which blew up the station. When his boss arrived, he told her about the dream. They walked over to the pump and sure enough there was a leak at the exact pump. The boss shut the pump down, thanked the man for bringing it to her attention, and then fired him on the spot. Why? Oh wow. Oh I know it. And the answer is the boss is a woman. I think I know it.

I think I know it. There's so many words.

I don't remember any of them. So that's the story problem. Let me try to give you the gist. Night Watchman, Gas Station, had a weird 24 hours. Had a dream that one of the pumps where he worked had a leak and the next person who pulled in would cause it to blow up. When his boss arrives, told her about the dream, they walked over to the pump, checked it, there was a leak, boss shut the pump down, thanked the man, and then fired him.

I think I know it, but to eliminate one possible answer that I'm also a-waffling on. Okay. I'll allow it. The boss did not find evidence at the leak that it was caused by the employee, right? Correct. The leak was not caused by the employee for all intents and purposes.

I think I know it. Oh, I think I know it.

I feel like if Dan knows it, he should say it.

I love my friends. Did he sleep through his whole shift?

Fucking A. He slept through his whole shift. Very good. Yes. The night watchman, night watchman, who needs to be awake, had been sleeping on the job. Even though he had a prophetic dream and saved lives, countless lives, he was still fired and that's fucking capitalism.

They were probably robbed that whole time.

Fucking bullshit.

Can we all go around? We'll just start with me going towards Erin, ending with Ryan, and let's just all give Dan a compliment.

Oh, you know this is my least favorite thing. Go for it. Fast friends, fast friends. Dan hates circles. I wouldn't care with this group, but when groups of people that know each other really well are supposed to do it, and it gets to the point where people are like You know, you just always, you're always smiling. You're always smiling. And it's like, oh, that hurts so much. What do I love about you? You're a good bud. You're a good bud.

I have so much of my life with you.

Have a great summer. I'll just say that.

You're so selfless. Keep being cool.

Have a great summer. When I do this like at the end of improv classes or something, I always tell people to give someone a compliment based on something that they did not do in class. So like make up something and that's what you get the compliment on because I fucking think the compliment circle thing is so weird everyone's always like you you know especially like a class where you'll be like week eight and someone would be like and what's your name and it's like fuck that's the reason yeah and you can feel it when it's a person everyone likes and it's like people are like jumping on top of each other to compliment them and then it gets really quiet and then I get up there and people are like um

Cool sweatshirt.

The best name. I want to see a scene with Ryan and Erin. You two are a couple. You are celebrating your six months of dating. And you are out for a nice dinner, nice Michelin dinner. And what's the hotspot in LA? What's like a... I mean... Bestia. Syria at Bestia. And for six months you're going to give each other some compliments at dinner.

I can give you a minute. Sorry, we were just looking at each other's faces. It's been six months for us. Six months today.

There's no need to bring me into this.

Hey, I really love how you handled things with that waiter.

What else do you love about me?

So many. I mean a lot, you know, because it's been six months of spending time together. Sure.

What's one specific example?

I guess when we're out with service industry people, you're so kind to them. And I think that means a lot.

Maybe not an example like from tonight, but from like the whole thing.

Okay, well I did one. I did one. Maybe let's try one from you, right? Because we both love each other.

I love when you hum, when you do the dishes. Or is that my ex? No, no, no. That's you. That's you. You do that. Okay, good. What about me now?

It's just so hard to pick the good thing because there's too many of them. Sure. I love the way your hair is. I love the way your hair is. Oh, here's one. You Google the best. What? You Google good. You always find the answer good fast.

Oh, you do know what Google means.

I Google good? Yeah. Well, no, I went. What's my first name? Diane was a princess. Your name is Beth. I knew that.

You got that one. What's my last name?

Princess. I'm sorry to bother you. Now, my employee, my waiter here, came up to the table. He gave you a minute. He backed off to Show some respect. We have one rule in this restaurant. We're a fine establishment. We do have Michelin stars. We have an eliminated placard here. The one rule, which is do not bring up Princess Diana.

Wow.

Now you'll notice we've omitted all Elton John in the music playlist. Why? Because she was the people's princess.

Well, and I just want to compliment you on the way you came over here. What are you doing? It was beautiful. No. Thank you so much. That's just what a manager would do.

What's his last name?

Diana. I do love coming in as a waiter and saying, I'll give you a minute, and then be like, don't bring me into this. Yeah, saying the first line of the scene. It's not about me. Like every improv scene in a restaurant where somebody walks in immediately as a waiter, and then when they're asked any question, they're like, I wasn't prepared to do a scene.

This is a disposable character. I knew the audience couldn't imagine a restaurant without seeing a waiter immediately.

Well I had to be on stage.

It's been three minutes. If some of you went home without my French accent.

This next one is from Erin. I've also heard that I say Erin wrong. It's like Erin and Erin are different sounds.

It's also regional. Like I'm from Boston and we say it like my name E-R-I-N-E-H-R-I-N and then the other one is like air.

John how does North Carolina pronounce that? I get a little bothered when people are offended that you say their name wrong.

It's like, well just have some self-confidence. You know how it's said. It's okay. I've said it wrong one time, has it really ruined your day?

My last name is pronounced Cohen, but it's C-O-A-N.

And we got the clue. We got a clue.

We got a clue. But people pronounce C-O-A-N wrong all the time. What do they do?

Cone?

Cone. Cone. And it just couldn't possibly bother me. But people are like, oh, I'm sorry, did I get that wrong? And I'm like, I have also gotten Conan once before. That's an extra in and that's cool.

You don't call me the people's princess. All the time. It's like super mean. It's Erin.

It's Erin. So this one is from Erin. Okay. It oscillates, twixt bed and chair, and a biweekly clearing comes to bear. Usable seat, sheets, and stuff to wear. What is it? I'm going to have to hear it again. This is obviously something that Erin wrote themselves to, so if we want to use their real name, Erin, to call them a fucking idiot, we absolutely can.

I mean, there's so much to do with bed and chair and sheets and bedding. Is it something you'd find in a house? Yes, you would find this in a house. In most houses?

In most houses. I would say in most houses, and it's not a pillow. I'm twixt.

I mean, Jesus. Romance?

And that's not romance, I'll be doing it. Couch romance.

Couch romance.

I just love the term couch romance.

Two couches falling in love, is that what you're pitching? Or are people falling in love on a couch?

What I was thinking was that people would be like Netflix and chill, but that's like too much of a code for fucking, so it's like couch romance. Want to make some couch romance? That's like married couples Netflix and chill. I had couch romance last night. To me. Did you fuck your couch? Alright, I gotta see a scene. Dan, this is an all play. Dan, you are going to be hanging out with your boys, and you're going to be talking about your couch romance that you had last night.

Well guys, it happened. No kidding me!

No way! You guys have been trying to get it going for a little while here. You and Jamie, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, Jamie and I had some couch romances. Oh, walk us through it. Walk us through it. Okay, well, we're sitting on the couch. We've had some wine. How close are you? How close are she and I? Yeah. Opps, it ends. No, no, no.

Just in general, how close are you?

Oh, very, very. I've told her stuff I haven't told you guys.

I hate to be a jerk, but Jamie is a person?

Sorry, yeah, Jamie's a person.

Okay. Jamie's a person. I just don't want to be a jerk.

Well, you're being a jerk.

I don't know what to say. Just sometimes, like, you're like, you make a big deal and you're like having sex with a pillow. I'm like, we all have to get excited about it.

No, no, no, it wasn't that.

So this is about Jamie, like a person? Yeah, yeah, yes. Yeah, okay.

So Jamie's like, hey, I think I'm ready to take this to the next level.

And she's not your sister?

You're being a real jerk. It's just Alexander, can you not assume that I fucked my sister or a pillow this time?

I just feel like something's about to give and I'm just nervous.

No, no. So I'm like, yeah, let's do some old church romance. And she's like, oh, I've never heard it called that. And I'm like, oh, well, that's what it is. So, you know, I end zip. Oh my god. Her or you? What's that? Her or you? The couch. The couch cushion? The cushion. I unzip the couch cushion. And you're still at opposite ends? And we're at opposite ends. She's now moved a little further away for some reason. So she's sitting on the arm? She's sitting on the arm of the couch. This is Jamie, not my sister, Alexander. Is your sister in the room? Upstairs. And so I start getting romantic with the couch. On the couch or with the couch? With the couch. So I'm off the couch. I'm face to face with it. Unzipped. And Jamie's just sitting there? Well Jamie is now standing and moving further back away.

But I get it though, you're trying to start the romance with the couch, maybe Jamie has the moment. You're showing her you're good at it.

Yeah, prime the pump, prime the pump. I'm saying like, this could be a monage pretty soon. Yeah, because you're definitely in a relationship with the couch.

This could be us, but you playing.

Yes, exactly. And that's what I muffled. I said that too, we're all muffled. But you said it into the couch, Cushion? Yeah, because now my head is fully in the couch.

Were you eating out the couch? So yeah, you're going down on the couch?

Fucking or kinda lingus?

What's that? Fucking or catching it? Just mouth stuff right now. Just mouth and cushion stuff.

And one-sided mouth stuff. The couch has done nothing for you.

No, well yeah, and that's always the way it is with this couch. Seed! Seed! Seed! Seed! Seed! Seed!

Seed! Seed! Seed! Seed! Seed!

Seed! Seed! Seed! Seed! Seed! Seed! Seed!

Seed! Seed! Seed! Seed! Seed! Seed! Seed!

Seed! Seed!

Seed! Seed! Seed! Seed! Seed!

Seed!

Seed! Seed! Seed! Seed! Seed! Seed! Seed! Seed! Seed! Seed! Seed! Seed! Seed! Seed! Seed! Seed! Seed! Seed! Seed! Seed!

Seed! Seed! Seed!

Seed! Seed! Seed! Seed! Seed

I'll do that. My big, not unseen, but my big improv move is after an edit, still saying the line I wanted to say. Now it's a real insight and proverb. I'm still going to finish this even though everyone decided it was over.

No offense. You missed the edit. I had a great line.

What people in Chicago do when they want to do that is whoever ran across the stage to edit, they just go, oh, I see your neighbor's jogging. And then they finish the line and walk off.

And audiences go, we paid for this!

The lights coming down is not the end of the show. I'll tell you when the show is over.

I'll be off stage.

Screaming in the dark, don't leave! There's more? No one has had the answer to this riddle. What are we doing? I forgot the riddle. Fucking the couch was not the answer. It oscillates, twix bed and chair, and a biweekly clearing comes to bear. Usable seat, sheets, and stuff to wear. What is it?

I was gonna say dressing, dresser, dresser, pajamas. That's that's my that is my clean laundry.

Yes you are absolutely correct. The answer is a pile of laundry. This also tells us something about Erin and that they keep their laundry between the bed and the chair.

It tells you a lot about me. Immediately when it said it oscillates between bed and chair I was like that's my laundry.

The word oscillate through me to fan, because fan's oscillate.

But for me, when I need to sit in my chair, I put my laundry on my bed, and when I need to be in my bed, I put my laundry on my chair. I have two weeks worth of work.

And you're eating just anything for breakfast.

What I never do is take responsibility for my life and clean up. Absolutely not.

Does anybody put their laundry away right away?

Never. I have never put my laundry away. I do want to see a scene. John, you are yourself at home. John, the character's big enough already. We're going to have JPC is your couch and chair or bed and chair? Bed and chair. So JPC is going to be your chair, Ryan's going to be your couch, and they're vying for your laundry. It's going to be a little push and pull. And I guess this would be vacillating, not oscillating. Okay.

Dr. Fucking Dictionary over there.

Alright guys, got four loads of laundry that I did over the course of four hours today. Oh yeah.

I'm definitely not going to put it away.

You could just slap those loads right on me. Now that is enticing.

Are you sure you want to cover your whole bed? I mean, covering your whole bed, then you can't lay in it. What about just putting it upright in a chair?

Okay, both of these are really good options. Okay, but those clothes are clean, so they smell pretty good. It's true.

What about me, the floor?

Okay, floor. I haven't swept you since I moved into this house.

You guys won't really go for it.

I feel like it would be too disgusting for me to put my laundry on the floor in the condition that I let you get into. And I take full ownership of the fact that there is so much dust and dirt.

I know who I am.

Come on, you put your ass on me all day. Put the ass of your pants on me, baby.

Okay, how about this? What if I split my laundry between you guys while I go out for the day? No, I'm all in nothing. I want that load. Yes.

Give me one sock.

It can move betwixt, but not separated. But never separated. Okay.

Okay. Well, put it on me, okay? It's clean laundry. You haven't washed these sheets in, I want to say, months. Never, in fact. It's gonna balance out the smell if you put the clean laundry on the dirty bed.

You know what, this is too much pressure for me.

Why not just go back in the hamper?

You'll go right back in the hamper baby! There's already dirt, more dirty clothes in there. Yeah, mix them up, mix them up. I can't do that hamper. Oh, you crazy motherfucker.

Hey, it's me, the trashcan outside. Go with me, me, me, me.

You're in the kitchen. I can't put my laundry in here.

I'm the trashcan from outside.

I'm in the kitchen.

What if you want to be me? Your roommate's room. Wouldn't that be weird?

Where are all your clothes? Uh, he could probably fit into some of my clothes.

Uh oh, freezers in the mix. You're not supposed to put jeans in the washing machine, but in me.

Well listen, when I used to tour in bands, I would put dirty clothes in my freezer.

Can I turn you off?

I guess you'll go floor. You know what, I'm just gonna, I think I'm gonna put the laundry, I'm gonna actually put it away this time.

And we cut to John in therapy with Dan talking about his issue.

Yeah, so my fucking house won't shut up. And I know it makes me sound crazy, but they talk to me constantly and I just don't know what, I don't know, I know it's psychological, it has to be.

Yeah, do you think it's possible that there's some other problems you're not dealing with? Absolutely not. It's not actually about the clothes?

I have zero, no, none of them. I'm sick of this therapy shit trying to make me think that there's more going on than there is.

And as the scene... Please be the shame. Bring your clothes in here.

And as this thing continues, Dan, you're going to start to slowly try and fuck this shit.

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Yeah, awesome. Thank you so much for being on the show. You all got a riddle, a piece.

Everyone did really well.

Walk tall, walk tall. Would you like to plug anything? Our listeners would love to know what's going on in your neck of the ring.

You can follow us on Twitter at biggrandeucb is a good place to start.

Or it's John Mackey or chosen bird. It's true.

I don't have a Twitter. That's right. Dan got off Twitter.

Congratulations. You can Google me.

You can Google me. You can Google me. Nothing will come up. You can Google me nothing. It's still zero results. It doesn't even give you a suggested fix.

It doesn't even say did you mean or anything. It's just like there's no chance you know anything about it. But no Bigger app Bigger on the ECB.

Yeah, The Teachers Lounge is our improvised podcast that is on Stitcher Premium, and you can get the first five seasons for free on Earwolf or iTunes. And you can see us at UCB if you live in Los Angeles. John and I perform Friday nights with a group called Winslow, and Ryan performs Saturday at 10.30 with a group called the Dragons.

I will say, listeners, you just heard them, obviously, so you know they're tremendously funny. I will say that the three of us have talked, JPC, Erin, and I, and we do feel like if you are in improv or you're wanting to get into improv, your guys show The Teachers Lounge is probably the best example of Yes And I've ever heard, where every single gift is used, it's Yes And constantly. Not like who we do on our show, but I think it's like the absolute best, if you ever, if you want to learn how to do it right, listen to Teachers Lounge, and it's the absolute best examples of yes and I've ever heard.

I can't listen to it in public though, because I will laugh so hard. I had to like throw my headphones out. Thank you guys.

Thank you for listening. And of course we do one more thing, so we'll start with Dan going towards Ryan, and we're just gonna say plug something in your home state.

Plug something in my home state. If you're in Tucson, Arizona, Go to EG's. It's the place you want to be. It's a fast food place with very mayo heavy sandwiches, but they have these little iced slush drinks that are really good. You can vouch. We've had them. You can get an EG there.

If you're in California, check out In-N-Out Burger or The Beach. Both great places, specific to California.

If you're ever in Columbia, North Carolina, population 801, you can check out the Scuppernung River Walk. It's a boardwalk through a swamp. It stinks and it's falling apart. But yeah, you can do it on horseback.

If you're ever in Indianapolis and you're a goddamn teen, go to the Glendale Mall and do not buy anything. Just walk and bother people.

In Boston, go to the legal seafood in Logan Airport. When you get bored of that, do a walking tour of all the filming locations of The Departed, which probably exists. Legal seafood? Yeah. What does that mean? That's the name of it.

It's a chain too, right?

Which just feels like an overcompensation. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you're ever driving, you come up to a sign that says, now entering Kewanee, Illinois, you're going to want to toss that puppy in reverse. Go right back home.

Don't slow to a stop. Throw your car into reverse. Grind the gears. Tokyo drift pieces.

Head right back to heels. Get two thirds the way through. And Erin, if you're ever visiting our solar system, do you have a recommendation? The Jupiter. Bye forever.

Created by Adal Rifai. Starring Erin Keif and John Patrick Coan.

KG Snyder did the editing and already parented the music.

Logo created by Emily Cardamus and Emmoe De Foras.

Hey, Japes. Why you got that big grin on your face?

Oh, this big grin? Well, it's certainly not because I was eating shit. Which, can we talk about that for a second? The phrase shitting grin?

Scene. Scene. You're the one who told me we couldn't cuss in our ads.

Although, can we add that to the end of this episode? Whatever it is. Thanks, JJ.