Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Bark, bark, bark. Dogs knows it.

Keep it.

KJ, isolate that file. Bark, bark, bark. Bark, bark, bark. Dogs know us as riddles and bits. It's Hey Riddle Riddle. Wow. Nice. I like that.

I'm dog head Rifai. I'm Jay Barksy.

And I'm yummy on Keif. Am I doing it wrong?

Yes. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Entirely wrong. Last night I finally, I found a nickname that Erin likes.

Yeah.

What is it? Kiki. Kiki.

I'm a Kiki like Keef. Like Kiki.

Let's have a Kiki. I was like, how about Kiki? And she's like, I love it. And I said, what about Tiki? And she goes, I like Kiki better. And then I go, what about Kinky? And she gave me a wink, but then her eye got stuck shut. I had to call all 911.

Yeah. And you have classically what is called real sticky eyes, correct?

I mean, famously, I have real sticky eyes. Don't ask why. I won't. OK, so we have something.

Super sticky eyes.

Everyone knows I have super sticky eyes. All right, I have something very special planned for this episode. What?

Can't wait to ruin it.

We're going to go into a different universe. I know, truly. What? And are we ready?

Am I ready to go into a different universe? You heard me. Yes, I was born Reby.

All right, KJ, somehow make this episode in black and white. All right, it's black and white. And now, let's hit them with a new... JVC and I are both white still. Oh.

Yeah, good.

Good. And let's hit them with that new Arnie Parrott theme.

Both of them were goldfish. It was the cabin of an airplane. She stabbed him with an icicle, and a horse was named Friday.

The year was 1948. The city? Riddle City. We pan over to a window and see a man leaning up against a desk just lit by the light of his cigarette. Behind him is a door that says, Ra-tag-it-se-ven-ee-it-te-ver-ip, which is private investigator backwards.

Oh nice, yeah.

You get it?

Because the door would have to be open. No.

Yeah, the man puts out his cigarette in size. The man is Brick Stoneheart. Adal, this is you. Brick has been a PI for 15 years, but before that he was the best cop Riddle City had ever seen. He had to retire from the force in disgrace and move over to the private sector, but we don't know why. He's book smart and he knows the ins and outs of Riddle City. Just don't ask him about his past love or why he's not a cop anymore. Seriously, don't. You'll be tempted to ask. I know I'm making you curious, but don't! What?

Before you can continue, can I ask for my name one more time? Brick?

Stoneheart.

Brick Stoneheart. Is this a fun voice for Brick Stoneheart?

I love it. Don't change anything.

Or should it be more like this? My name is Brick Stonehouse.

You have JPC's intro to decide which one of those two to choose. It's busy season for criminals in Riddle City, so he has hired a new assistant, the best amateur boxer this town has ever seen. Mickey Rourke. No relation. JPC, that's you.

Okay. And just a note of clarification. When you say amateur boxer, I'm a professional boxer that only boxes against amateur. Got it.

I was assuming that you were like a shitty type of dog. Focus! Yes.

But he's got a new baby at home and his wife doesn't want him fighting anymore, so he's gotten a part-time job as an assistant to a PI. He's got street smarts and a hot temper. They've been solving crimes for about two months. I wonder who's about to walk through their door next. In the meantime, the men talk about the most recent case they solved.

Well, hey there, Mickey.

What do you want with that voice?

And hey there, Brickie. Mickey and Brickie, just two P.I.s, P.I. and their way through the town. P.I.S.S. Oh, P.I.S.S. I can't believe we solved the case of the missing P.I.S.S.S.S. We found that P.I.S.S.S.S.S. off the bridge in Little City. Of course that P.I.S.S. got into the tap water and everyone in town drank it and found out that we didn't tell anyone about it. We'll let bygones be by piss.

Because it was such a minimal amount of piss that got into the tap water, no one seemed to care.

Yes, and once piss starts to spread out, of course, the flavor dilutes.

Disseminate, yes. And coincidentally, luckily for us, it was a weak pisser.

Yes, a weak pisser, and of course, we'll never tell the town that that person had just had sex recently, so there's a little bit of cum.

Oh my goodness.

Case closed on that one.

In walks Madeleine DeMarque.

Ga-ga-ga-goo.

Exactly.

Hey, don't remind me of my baby that I got at home. Look at the getaway sticks on that one.

In walks Madeleine DeMarque, ex-lover to our beloved PI, now married to the chief of police.

Look at the meat sticks on her.

She looks frazzled, but also her legs are long.

Flesh pipes. I'm doing this right.

And then she speaks. My brother went missing three whole days ago. I can't tell my husband because I suspect foul play. The police might be involved. You remember my brother, don't you, Brick? Marky DeMark? Marky is a dock worker and is always falling into trouble. I'm really worried about him this time, Brick. Will you help me?

Wait, he's a dock worker? I thought you always said he was a duck walker. Who walks ducks?

Can't you be both? Oh, Brick, I miss you.

I miss you. I can't believe you left me for the place that you leave. Sorry, I get nervous when I talk to you. Madeline, was it?

It's because my legs are so long. Madeline and Mark, of course. Do you like my red coat? And who is this?

Oh, this is my new partner, Mickey Rourke.

Oh yes, the boxer. The professional boxer who boxes amateurs.

16 and 0. Well, technically, the other way around. 0 and 16.

And Mickey, can I ask the boxers that you're wearing on your genitals, are those? Fruit of the loom. So professional. Yes. You wear professional boxers.

I wear them like I see them. Fruit of the loom boxers. The only boxers that keep my bits all snug and tight so I can get into fights. Hold on, I'm not done with the tagline. The only boxers that keep my bits snug and tight so I can get into fights and win every fight. Punch out the lights of every demon child in the land. Well, hold on. I'm reading the copy wrong. I don't punch names and child.

I bet you're wondering the last time I saw Mark.

Speaking of a knockout.

Well, nice. Thank you. Before I answer that question, I mean, it's Riddle City. And you know in Riddle City, the law is that you have to answer as many riddles as the person wants before they can give you information about a crime. Does this make sense? Am I forcing this too much?

No. This makes sense, and it's fun. We like it. Yeah, just like our sister city, Bridge Troll City in Germany. Madeline, it looks like you're wearing nothing under that red coat, except for a smile.

Oh, who me? I don't know.

No, I could clearly see the outline of a dress.

Here's your riddle.

That's her skin. She had that surgery.

Speaking of clothes.

Dress kid surgery. She's big in her clothes. Case closed.

There's a reason why men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's have buttons on the left. What is it?

Because men are always right.

What's the reason?

And women get left behind. Here in Riddle City. Of course, just in Riddle City.

Just in Riddle City. Just in Riddle City. Madeline, take me back. Agenda gap equality. Take me back by reciting a memory.

You know I'm in love now. And yeah, we used to hold hands, and you'd kiss my hand really gingerly, and we would be in love. But answer my riddle about the button.

I have no context. There's a relationship here that I'm assuming that you two shared.

Oh, you didn't hear the narrator before?

We used to kiss hands.

Okay, no. And tell. That's fine with me. This is confirmation. I thought, you know, Brick, I thought you were just a classic bachelor.

Brick and I used to smoke into each other's faces. You know in old movies where people are just smoking so much, it's like at each other.

Wait, movies? Movies are brand new. What do you mean old movies?

Oh shut up.

You know like the first one, this is a train coming at the audience and everyone screamed? I saw that movie high tilted out of the theater. Just between you and I, every once in a while we used to blow smoke at each other's genitals.

There's a reason why men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's have buttons on the left. What is it? This is more of a historical fact than it is a riddle.

This is a historical fact? Now Madeline, call me crazy, but I feel like most clothes have buttons down the middle. What do you mean by right and left?

Oh, I could just eat your nose, Brick.

Please don't. The goose in town famously ate it off my face.

Let me take a look at what I'm wearing right now. A foot of the loom box. There's no buttons on those. And a pair of boxing trunks. No buttons on those. Look at my shoes. Two little buttons on the shoes. Oh, I think I know it.

All right.

Is it because when women have buttons that they need help with fastening them? So that the men can somehow help them out. As Madeline read the answer, I took out another cigarette and let it open.

Are you narrating your life again, Rick? This is why men's buttons are on the right. When buttons were first used, it was the better-off who could afford clothes with buttons. Among this class, the ladies were often dressed by maids and servants. The servant would face the lady, so it was easier for the right-handed servant to fasten buttons, which are on the lady's left.

Madeline, can I say something to you?

Yes.

Now you said better off. Now, of course, this is a film no-off, so it should be better off.

Better off.

It's a film with no-offs. Well, I'm going to jump out this window. No. Very nice, Bic.

All right. OK, I'll tell you the last.

And Mickey Ork.

You two are really incredible detectives. You're asking all the right questions. OK, I'll tell you the last place I saw my brother the night he disappeared. He was down at the Moxie, which is that bar.

The Moxie? That's that bar.

If I remember correctly, Brick, you're quite fond of that by yourself. Maybe go down there and talk to the bartender. He might know what to do. And with that, Madalinda Mark turned her back on Brick again and walked out the door, taking her hot body with her. Picture Erin Keif's levels of hot.

I hate to see her leave, but I love to watch her go.

I forgot that I was not here on a Kentucky Fried Chicken because look at those drumsticks walk away.

She's so hot. Did you hear? She's like Erin Keif hot over context. All right. The gentlemen walk into Moxie, a smoky bar. You see him move.

Oh, there's a fire in the kitchen here. I'm going to put that out with my cigarettes. Put that fire out. I've suddenly turned southern. Wait, I lost my accent.

Oh, it doesn't matter to me. I'm still your best friend. My name is Trick Stonehot.

We see musicians warming up on the stage that sits in the center of the room. Behind the bar we see Jim Fizz, a bartender who's been serving liquor to the locals for 20 years. The regulars call him old Jimmy Fizz.

They don't call him slow Jim Fizz?

That is funny, but I was... Don't worry about it. He's cleaning glasses and he looks exactly how you imagine it.

Hey Jim, I see you're cleaning your own spectacles.

Holy cow, if it isn't the mystery boys. I haven't seen you in my bag quite some time. Can I get you gentlemen anything to drink?

Now, I believe the last time we were in here solving the crime of the parrot who was masquerading as a pirate. No, no, a parrot who was masturbating on a pirate. That's what I said.

I thought it was a pirate masturbating on a parrot.

Either way, we caught the crook and we locked him up. And you said we could have free booze as long as we were still alive.

All right. Well, what kind of drink can I make?

Well of course, you know it's the 1920s, so I'll take a new fashion.

It's 1948, I said. What did I say? The narrator said at the beginning, you want an old fashion? I'll make a new fashion for my favorite guy. And what do you want, Mickey Rourke?

I'll just have my classic. I'll have a lizard pimple.

All right. Remind me, what's in that?

Almost everything and a wink.

All right. Are you working on any interesting... It's a sketch.

Well, can't really talk about it, Jim, but I do want to ask you a question. Have you seen, you know Madeline's brother, forget his name, but have you seen him, the old dock worker?

Uh-oh, it's Riddle City, so you know what that means. I gotta ask you a riddle before I give you any information.

Before you do that, let me make my way over here to the jukebox and see if I can play something that'll set the mood. Let's see, Lenny Kravitz, Third Eye Plant, Cred Hot Chili Peppers, 1948 classes. A lot of big bands. These are all songs by Bing Crosby. And whatever this, well let's get to the riddle and our place of music later.

All right, the name of this riddle is a stranger in the hotel. A woman- Quick story.

Did I ever tell you about the time where a stranger broke into my hotel room? Now, you don't sneak up on a professional amateur boxer in a hotel room. I'd beat the crap out of that stranger with left hooks and double jabs and a couple of uppercuts.

As Mickey told his story, I wanted to myself, hey, why didn't he put on a full set of clothes- Brick!

You doing that again? Damn it. Let me finish my story. Anyway, I turned the lights on and it was the bell hopper, the boy who was set to bring up my luggage. Now I cracked up laughing, I was so embarrassed, and he was a good sport about it. He died two weeks later, succumbed to his injuries in the hospital, but of course it's 1948, so how could I be responsible for that? Stand your ground, folks. That's what I always say. Now, slow Jim.

Back to your physics story. Oh, Mickey, you should do have your PhD in the sweet science. You're a pugilist through and through.

All right. A woman was sitting in a hotel room.

Pugilism. Hands deadly. PhD. A woman in a hotel room?

A woman was sitting in her hotel room and there was a knock at her door. She opened the door to see a man whom she had never seen before. He said, oh I'm sorry, have I made a mistake? I thought this was my room. He then went off down the corridor to the elevator. The woman went back into her room and phoned reception to ask them to apprehend the man who she knew was a thief. What made her so sure?

Because he stole her heart.

Mmm, yes. Only a man knocking on a woman's door, a perfect stranger passing ships in the night.

No, no, that's not correct.

Let me ask you a question, Jim. Was the man dressed in a specific way? As in, was he wearing a white and black striped shirt, the only two colors that exist in our universe, and a little sneaky raccoon mask around his face like a hamburger?

No, but that's an excellent question.

Thank you, Jim.

A woman was sitting in her hotel room when there was a knock at her door. She opened the door to see a man whom she had never seen before. He said, oh, I'm sorry. I have made a mistake. I thought this was my room. Then he went off down the corridor to the elevator. A woman went back into her room and phoned reception to ask them to apprehend the man who she was sure was a thief.

I got a question for you, Brick. Now, let me put this in a way that you might understand and I definitely can relate to. I'm a boxer through and through and I would never punch a fellow in the face if I thought it was my face. You understand where I'm coming from? Why would you knock at your own door?

Oh, I think you just solved it, Mickey. I'm sorry? You just solved the riddle. Oh, did I?

She reasoned that if it had really been his room, he would not have knocked on the door, but used his key.

You ever go home, even if you live alone, and knock on the bathroom door if it's closed and then wait for a second to see? Just in case there's a ghost pooping? A ghost pooping, yep.

You ever had that Jim?

Yeah, my name's Slow Jim Fizz. Kind of a fun name, huh?

For sure. Hey, can we get all fucking drinks?

All right, here you go. Also, I will answer your question about Maki the Mac. Are you ready?

Yeah, Maki the Mac, the dock worker. He been in here?

Yes, okay. The last time I saw Maki was Friday night. He was arguing backstage.

Friday night? That's fight night. Every night's fight night when you've got a fight scheduled.

He was arguing backstage with his girlfriend, Miss Coco Kashmir. You know, she's the singer-performer at this bar. After I left that night, I could still hear them screaming. But if you see Maki, tell him I'm looking for him, too. That son of a bitch owes me a lot of money, and I'm getting impatient. Miss Kashmir's backstage right now, if you want to talk to her.

The last time I heard Coco scream, I was brewing a big cup, and the kettle went off.

Last time I heard Coco scream was when I was eating a nice bowl of pebbles, chocolate pebbles. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Mickey and Rick walked through the velvet curtain.

No, we're still talking to Jim. No, we're still out of here talking to Jim. What's your favorite color?

Oh God. Okay, let's see.

Where are you from?

What's that accent? Probably black or white.

Jim, what's that accent?

It's sort of a New York Boston mix. Where? A New York Boston mix.

Nick, you ever heard of those cities? All I know is Riddle City. Of course, there's also Puz Town.

Yeah, two cities. Taylor, two cities.

Let's go talk to... What's her name?

Coco the Creams? Mickey and Brickwalk through the velvet curtain and see a door with a star on it.

The dressing room is covered in costumes made of glitter and feathers and flowers sent by her admirers. Sitting in the center of a room is a woman with perfect blonde curls. She is wearing a silk robe on top of a silk robe. The whole time she speaks, she's putting lipstick all over her face.

Wow, wow, wow, Coco. You got legs that would make a cardinal kick in a stained glass window.

Hey, this better be good. But a voice that would make me jump off a fucking bridge. Oh, I'm getting ready for my show.

I got a baby at home, and that's exactly like that baby's face.

We mean your voice is obnoxious.

Are you that annoying, pesky little P.I.? What do you need from me?

Coco, we heard that you might know where Maki de Mark is.

Oh, Maki, that old so-and-so broke my little heart. He came in here when he didn't know.

You know what? We're good. We're good.

I'm almost done. This part's not long. OK.

He came in here. Hey, real quick. Coco, Coco. What? Can you use this? It's a new thing I invented called a voice modulator. Yeah, it's going to.

It's got a setting out there that makes you sound like Darth Vader. Or at least a human.

No, this one's fun, so I'm gonna keep doing it.

Coco, you've got lipstick all over your eyes and cheeks. You have completely drenched your face in lipstick.

Sort of fun, right? Okay, he came in here raging and raging and told me we couldn't see each other no more because he was in a lot of trouble and owed some bad guys a lot of money.

Coco, you're falling asleep. Is he tough?

I'm tired.

I can't imagine the caliber of man that would walk away from a woman like you, Coco. You're a tall stack of pancakes and you're dripping with butter and syrup.

All right, thank you very much, but get in line. I'm the most shaved after dame in this town.

You're the most shaved after dame in this town?

Yeah, but I'm also a doll that men are interested in. These are things we call women.

You've got a string on the back of your back here that if I pull, I'll get the tampon string.

Don't pull it.

Whoopsie doodle. I just didn't get your temper.

I am so sorry.

I just want to apologize. I am so sorry.

Be careful not to pull it because I don't sound like Darth Vader.

Completely inappropriate. I am so sorry. He should not have done that.

We'll unpack how absolutely horrible that was later.

Sure.

But first you got to answer my riddle.

I'd love to answer your riddle.

This one's called Inspired Composition. A composer of music sat looking out the window, hoping for inspiration. Suddenly, something he saw provided him with the opening theme for a new work.

What did he see?

I probably saw your beautiful face, Dame.

Aw, thank you! That's not the answer, though.

Well, if you stand in front of a mirror or a window, a window's reflective by nature, so he probably saw a man in the mirror. And he probably wrote the theme for Michael Jackson's Man in the Mirror, but shortly after realized... In this universe and every other universe, we don't mention that person anymore. No, well, Michael Jackson is canceled as fuck, and so he probably immediately backtracked off of that and did some sort of weird out twist on Man in the Mirror, like, I'm looking at a man drinking beer. And did a little parody of a guy who was drinking Bud Light, looking at his bathtub beer. How's that for an answer? No. I'm sorry, I've been punching the head one too many times. And the one time too many was time number 101. It was by your doctor, right? Oh yeah, my doctor. You said you've been punching the head the exact amount of times, and then you went one more.

I heard you're retired from fight.

Well, the wife at home, Miss Vicki De Boop.

She didn't take your last name?

No, she didn't take my last name. Of course, my boxing name is, you know, a fake name. It's a stage name that I put on. My real name is Johnny the Poop.

And I'm Mickey Rourke?

Well, Mickey Rourke is my boxing name. Now, this is what I tried to explain to my doctor when I was writing him a bad check from Johnny the Poop. And he punched me one in the head. And he said, get out of my office, Johnny.

You're the best PI in town. How come you can't figure out this riddle?

Coco, can you read that one more time? I hate to say this, but use your voice.

A composer of music set looking out the window, hoping for inspiration. Suddenly something he saw provided him with the opening theme for a new work. What did he see?

He saw some sort of bird.

Oh!

Did he see a bird leaving? No. Maybe a songbird. Or maybe he saw a piano bird.

No, he didn't hear a bird. He saw several birds.

He saw a flock and he wrote us.

Yeah, where though? Where were they?

In a tree.

No.

Tree bird.

Where else do they like to sit?

I always hold up my lighter and say, play tree bird.

Well, yeah. I mean, sometimes you see a bird on a plate if it's like a Thanksgiving. Maybe some on a wire.

Yeah.

Birds on a wire?

He saw some blackbirds sitting on a telegraph wire.

Blackbirds sitting on a telegraph wire.

Don't stop.

Take these broken wings and learn to drink all your life.

I'm warming up!

I'm drinking with a bird all the way.

He saw some blackbirds sitting on a telegraph wire. Their positions indicated a melody line.

Well, hot and hot damn.

And since you two are such jerks and not good at figuring out riddles, I'm going to read you another one.

Oh, well first of all, I resent the being called a jerk, unless you're calling me a soda jerk, which I was kicked out of my soda shop for jerking off. But the shop was closed in my defense and I thought it was my home because there was a bed in there.

You've had an interesting life.

Well, I'm a fighter, so I've been punching the head one too many times, as my doctor once said.

And of course when he said he saw a bed in there, of course this is a film Noah, so he saw bread in there. I saw bread. Every time he sees a loaf of bread, he just starts whacking off. That's why I don't go shopping with Mickey no more. Hey! That's how I feel about bread.

Didn't you used to be with Madeleine DeMuck?

Yeah, for a hot second.

What happened to the twos of youth?

You got an hourglass figure that I want to turn upside down and watch your organs slip through.

Stay away from me and my tampon!

That's fair, I'm so sorry. Listen, I couldn't apologize enough.

I know, that was a real mistake. What happened between you and Mal?

Yeah, Breck, now I want to know this too. What happened with you and Mal in a mouth?

Well, you know I'm always smoking a ciggy.

Yeah.

I'm always contemplating and putting a smoke out of my mouth and into the air around me and then putting out the cigarette.

Okay.

We're going to talk to you about ashtrays, my man. One time we were both asleep in the light of the moonlight, and I went to light a cigarette, but it turned out to be one of Madeline's digits.

What? Her finger. I tried to light her finger. Wait, I'm sorry.

Did you wet the tip of her finger in your mouth first? I rolled it up. I flayed her finger, put nicotine powder inside, rolled it up, wetted it with my mouth.

I saw her hand.

She had no visible scarring. Listen, if you want to know the truth, she left me. Well, that does sound like the truth. Because you met the chief of police. That sounds like a hard truth.

And why did you do that you're not a cop anymore?

I don't want to talk about that, but let's just say I pulled a tampon out of a... Seems like a pattern. I am so sorry.

Well, the reason that you're not a cop anymore is because you were selling cocaine while you were employed in the police department and you took a dirty money bribe. And then instead of just going to jail, you took a sweetheart deal and you just decided that you couldn't be a cop anymore.

Well, if you want to talk about the nuts and bolts, then yes, that's why.

OK, yeah. So he was a dirty cop and now he's a dirty bride.

I was skiing the nose slopes, you see.

What's another way of saying that?

Pushing the devil's dandruff.

What's another way of saying that?

He's snowing cocaine.

He's snowing cocaine. What's another way of saying that? This guy was watching every episode of Scooby Doo real fast. Does that make sense? Does that make sense?

Coco, isn't your name short for cocaine cocaine?

It is.

Would you like to buy some?

Okay, but first it's in my next riddle.

How long have we been here? It seems like the sun has gone up and down multiple times since coming in here. We had a case to solve, Coco.

I know, but I gotta pace this out so it's the length of a regular episode.

Now, this reminds me of the last time I was in the ring in a boxing match. Now, I could have taken them down with one punch, but my promoter says you gotta go 10 rounds and then you gotta lose. And I say, I've only lost one thing in my life, and that's control of my bowels on a private airplane. Oh! Yeah, that's right. Former President Bobby Kennedy invited me onto his airplane and I shit my pants.

It's 1948.

That's why I said former.

Well, if never was, the president doesn't matter.

Go ahead and tell me your riddle. Speaking of 10 rounds, let me get us some drinks.

Speaking of 10 rounds, I'll put both of these two pistols down on the... I want a slow Jim Fizz.

And I want a slow dance with Jim Fizz. Sports announcer for the Boston Broods.

Alright, in a very exclusive restaurant, several dozen diners are eating a top class meal upstairs.

Several dozen doesn't sound so exclusive to me. Sounds like a fucking Chili's at an airport. Just an airport Chili's at several dozen exclusive restaurants. Did I ever tell you about the time when Frank Herbert took me to a private restaurant on an island that's only for monkeys? Frank Herbert, the writer of Dune? It's only for... It's only for... It's only for monkeys.

Oh, I thought you were going to tell a story about chilies.

Well, I could tell many stories about chilies. I've been kicked out of every chilies in Riddle City, so just the one.

As Coco started to read her riddle again, it reminded me that her voice has a cadence that would curdle milk.

You're narrating out loud and touching my feelings, tampon thief!

I didn't take it. I left it on the couch here.

Are you telling me that I've been drinking curdled milk this whole interview? I've had four glasses of this stuff! I'm gonna be sick to my stomach.

Why were you gonna drink four glasses of milk in a row? Grown-ups should not drink that much milk.

I'm a boxer and an avid gamer. I need it for my bones.

Alright, in a very exclusive restaurant, several dozen diners are eating a top class meal upstairs. Downstairs, precisely the same meal is being served at the same number of empty places where there isn't... Your nose is bleeding.

Coco, your nose.

There's real typos in this book.

It's disturbing. Typos? So some of your blood got on the page? We all know that you're a typo.

In a very exclusive restaurant, several dozen diners are eating a top-class meal upstairs. Downstairs, precisely the same meal is being served at the same number of empty places where there is nobody to eat. What is going on?

You must be a typo because you're giving me a universal boner. Does that make sense? Am I getting the blood type right on that one? I'll take that back to the lab.

You give me an MGM boner.

Oh, MGM?

That's my dream. To be discovered and be in a big moving picture.

The kind that takes place in the water and the women are wearing the sparkly bathing suits and the swim caps and they dive in in a dream sequence.

Well, can I just say that you got a face for movies and a voice for silent films.

That's rude.

You ever think about how weird it is that Brendan Fraser was technically discovered an Encino man, but he was also discovered as the plot line to that movie.

Who's Brendan Fraser?

You know what? I'm thinking of Brendan Gleason.

Someone use a line right now.

For sure. So what we're trying to solve is how the food was the same in a restaurant?

Like this food is the same in both parts of the restaurant, but why was everyone... Floors a mare? No.

The upstairs is heaven, downstairs is hell. Everyone was a good little boy. Getting close. Was this in the Hotel California?

Sort of close. Purgatory? No.

Ghosts in the attic.

No, it's more the hotel thing's a little closer.

I'm sorry, the hotel thinks closer? Okay, and the Heaven and Hell thing is farther away.

Yeah, so why are there so many empty spots downstairs?

Well, everyone eating upstairs was Jewish and saving a chair for Elijah.

No!

You know, you call going down on someone eating downstairs? I call eating upstairs.

What's another way of saying that?

Uncles go down on your wash.

What's another way of saying that?

Chop, chop, it's Munch City.

What's another way you say that?

Taking the elevator down to Pussyville. What's another way to say that? Take the old mouth comb down to Afro Park.

What's another way you say that?

Putting the oyster inside Flesh Canyon.

And what's another, I'm trying to get back to you saying, watching Scooby-Doo episode real fast. Never mind.

Making a big sandwich, stacking it all on top of each other, and going to Shaggy's house. All right. So the answer is there's a hotel and upstairs.

It's a sort of kind of hotel.

Is it a hostel? No.

A flophouse? Why would there be so many empty tables downstairs?

Is that a boat? Downstairs is a hotel.

It's a first-class restaurant.

And you think hotel was the closest?

On a like a cruise.

Oh, a boat.

Upstairs is out on deck. If it rains, the entire company transfers downstairs.

Ah, I understand. A backup restaurant. OK. You get it. I always arrange a backup fight in case my opponent backs out. And it's usually just as people are entering, my manager's out there scouting people in the crowd. And the biggest, toughest one of those fellas, well, maybe he takes a pass on a few of those guys. They make them pretty big nowadays. But somewhere in the middle, my manager's like, hey, you want to make $30? All you got to do is survive eight rounds with a professional boxer. And they never do, but they always make them money.

It's the old times, so thirty bucks is a lot of money.

Oh yeah, I took thirty bucks and bought eight Buicks.

Coco, do us a favor, and before we go, serenade us with one of your famous songs, like chandeliers and candy canes.

Chandeliers and candy canes, give them to me on the plate. I'll eat them both. I'll eat them both. I'm not singing for you for free.

Here's 30 bucks. Oh, I'm going to eat you. Besides that, just give us the information we came for.

Oh yeah, after I fought with him. I saw him talking to that little orphan boy who sends messages all over town. They were talking in the alley. He was whispering to him and handed him some coins for the trouble. But if you see him like he'd tell him, I'm looking for him too. That son of a bitch owes me a lot of money.

Now get out, I get a thing.

We're not passing messages for you. What are we looking at? A couple little orphan boys?

I just thought you'd see a pattern that he owes a lot of people a lot of money.

I look down to the house in your theater that you're about to perform to is as empty as the bottle of bourbon on my desk.

And as empty as your future love interests all in a room together.

You know, speaking of empty, I'm gonna go empty my barrels of all this spoiled milk that I drank, so why don't we, before we head off to our next destination, take a little break.

Hey Japes, why you got that big grin on your face?

Oh, this big grin? Yeah, you look real smug. My Cheshire Cat grin, I guess you could say. Yeah, and what's going on with your peepers? They look pretty good. My Cheshire Cat peepers? Well, first of all, ignore my peepers, ignore my grin. I have something that I cannot wait to tell the two of you about.

Well, I can't ignore your eyes because you're dressed like the Chris Kattan SNL character Mr. Peepers.

Well, I always thought I was dressed like Mango.

What's the difference?

I don't know, but I've been... All of this is before my time.

I am going to fire my Crispy Ted costume guy. But you know what I'm not going to fire? I'm not going to fire my new favorite contact solution, SimpleContacts.com. Simple Contacts is rocking my world right now with how convenient, fast, and reliable their contact service is. You call them the Tom Petty of Contacts. Is that a compliment? Yeah, because they're rocking your world.

They have a ton of hits. They sing about Indiana.

And they don't have to live like a refugee. But here's why I love Simple Context. First, it's convenient. You know, we're running this podcast. We're in high demand. Every minute of our day is structured. Do we have time to go to the eye doctor? No. If I'm not going to go to the regular doctor to get my heart looked at, I'm certainly not going to go to the eye doctor to get my peepers done. Hi Riddle. Erin, that is literally the stupidest thing you've ever said. Why would you say that?

I say a lot of dumb stuff.

Why would you say that? Because, Erin, they do. Full stop. They do. They have the brands that you are looking for. They have all of the name brands that you love and want. And hey, maybe you can find a brand that you don't even know yet. Maybe you could really roll the dice on a mystery brand.

Well, even just talking about simple context, my vision is better somehow. And if I'm able to read between the lines, which I think I am now that my eyesight's so good, I'm hearing that they're very fast as well. They do a vision test, which is self-guided and it takes less than five minutes. Is that right? It's very true. It must be very expensive.

What are you saying? It must be so expensive.

Why would you ever say that? Why would you ever say that? Well, first of all, we wouldn't want to give that impression because they are a sponsor, but the vision test is only $20. Oh. Erin, now I demand that you compare that with an appointment without insurance that could cost up to $200. Erin paid me $40 to open a door for minutes ago.

Yeah, but I just wanted to see if you would.

And he would. I did. And he did. And if you want to take advantage of a great deal with Simple Contacts, all that you have to do is go to simplecontacts.com slash riddle and use the promo code Riddle. That's simplecontacts.com slash riddle and enter the promo code Riddle when you check out.

Excuse me, are you kids talking about simple contacts in the vision test? My name is Dr. Oculus. Not to be confused with the Spiderman villain. No, of course.

Are you an ophthalmologist?

Of course, you saying that. No, no, no, I'm a pediatrician, but I do want to say that this isn't a replacement for your periodic full eye health exam. I just had to say that.

Yeah, you just had to say that it is not a replacement.

And you tell Peter Parker if you see him that I'm going to get him.

We won't. We won't tell him and we won't see him. But we'll see you in perfect 2020 vision with our new Simple Contacts after you head to simplecontacts.com slash riddle and use promo code RIDDLE.

Off I go. Wink.

And as we came back from the ad break, I thought to myself, boy. That Coco cashmere with her looks in my brains, we could really go somewhere. Hey, can you not talk while I'm trying to take a shit?

It's so distracting.

Sorry, I knocked. I wanted to see if there's a ghost shit in here, but nobody said anything.

Well, I'm sorry. I was moaning and saying a boo because just trying to, you know, pass out my business. But I'm all good now and I don't wash my hands because it's 1948. So let's get out of here and on to the next.

Mickey and Brick walk into the alley and talk about their theories they have on the case so far.

Well it seems like market to market owed a lot of people money. Coco is former lover, old Jim Fizz, the local bartender at Moxie.

But we still don't know what he needed the money for. I mean he was cashing in debts all over town making people upset and talking his little loud mouth mouth off.

Sounds to me like maybe he just racked up some debt and then left town.

Now what a dock worker rack up debt. Maybe he got mixed up in the wrong boat if you know what I mean.

Just then they see an orphan boy, Scraps, trying to juggle with rocks about 30 yards away. Scraps is wearing glasses with no glass in them in a brown vest. Scraps is adorable.

Hey Scraps!

Hey misters! My name's Scraps!

Oh I thought it was Scraps. I guess I've only read it.

Well, my name's Scrapped. How can I help you? Do you want to watch me juggle rocks?

Absolutely not. Speaking of only Reddit, did I ever tell you about how the time I got in a big old fight with someone on a boxing message board because they were complaining about the fact that I only box amateurs and sometimes there's little kids out of the audience from right before the match starts and they try to make their 30 bucks and I usually beat the shit out of them. Well, I was going route for route. As I told this 10 star, I couldn't help but recognize they sounded just like JP Riddle. Anyway, I quickly left off with that message board and went about my business. Now, little scraps. You're still here.

They call you table scraps, right? Because you're always sitting at the table?

My feet don't reach the floor.

Well, that's because you're sitting on a high chair.

Okay. I don't have parents.

Hey, Scraps, a little birdie told us that you would be interested in making $30. That's Buick money, boy.

That could buy me parents.

And by birdie, I mean a Coco bird.

Yeah. Coco clock.

She's beautiful, the voice of an angel.

You're deaf. You're an idiot little kid, and you're so stupid. You've only heard one voice, apparently. Yeah.

You were two grown men who were bullying me. Can I help you with something?

Of course. You ever thought about being a boxer, Scraps? No, you know what? That's a conversation for another time. We're looking for a man. We're looking for Marky DeMark.

Oh, yeah. Marky DeMark gave me some money to send a message to someone. I'll tell you all about it, but first you have to answer some of these riddles for kids!

Does anybody ever say that your name could be S-Craps?

That hurt my feelings.

Read those riddles. I don't get it. Oh, there it goes. Yeah, I understand now. Bring those riddles to us little boy.

Right. Okay. Hold on. I'm just, I have all these crutches trying to get the stuff out of my pocket.

Wait, you have all those crutches and yet earlier you were going to juggle rocks for us?

Yeah.

Oh, you're selling these crutches, right?

I sell crutches. Also, I need them.

Sure. Getting high if you're on supply. Our buddy Brick knows all about that. I can't believe Scraps just made himself laugh so hard. It's a real kid move. What a kid move. Anyway.

I'm getting high off my own supply. Okay, are you ready for some riddles for kids?

Well, readiest will ever be. Like getting high on your own supply. You mean those crutches are way too tall for you.

I know. You look like an actor in The Lion King. Ding, ding, ding. Round one. Sorry, just to put in a boxing terminology that I understand.

I am a little starstruck right now. I'm sometimes the person who walks by you with a round one little chalkboard.

Yeah, you are sometimes there. Oh, you're a ring girl.

Yeah, I'm sort of a ring girl.

You know you're going to do that for every round, right?

Mm-hmm.

Often it's like one, seven, four. You're doing it all backwards and shit.

I thought they just told me to list my favorite numbers in order.

Who else was a ring girl? Madeline, but I wasn't willing to give her one. So she walked right out of there. Oh, this sounds like a memory. Left me for the chief of police. She was willing to propose to her when I had the chance. He was willing to propose to her?

Mm-hmm.

Madeleine DeMark, the prettiest woman in the city. She's so hot. She's Erin Keif, levels of hot.

People keep saying that. Erin Keif, that's that woman who- She's a Riddle City too. Erin Keif, that's that woman who years ago got her dress caught in the mouth of the animatronic shark.

Shut the fuck up.

Alright.

Oh, do you remember the story that Erin Keif told where she walked around downtown Chicago and her dress was tucked under her backpack before laughing at her? Yep. Anyways, here are some riddles for kids.

She's got nipples the size of Lunchables.

What the hell are you talking about?

Not the pizza guy.

How do rabbits travel?

Oh, how do rabbits, so this is going to be some sort of fun. They fuck like bunnies. Oh, very good. How do rabbits travel? They hop on a train. How do rabbits travel? They drive in a car at, like a carat, but with a car.

These are all funny and they work, but not the one I'm looking for.

They get from here to there. Ooh, that's pretty good.

That's amazing. And you're sort of close with one of those words.

They take the hairline.

Huh?

Hairline. Hair. Hairplane. They fly in the hair. They fly in the hair. Hairplane.

Well done. Wow. Look, I blocked one of them.

You did?

Yeah, you did well. And to be fair, let's try to chop those crutches in half. I never meant to hit you, you're a kid. You leaned into this.

You do a lot by accident, mister.

Have you heard about that?

Yeah. It's in the paper already. Look at the paper. Oh. Man pulls tampon string. Apologizes for 20 minutes.

And that would pass 28. That's gotta be you. There's got to be bigger news than that.

Well, I don't know if I have mentioned this, but I also write for the paper and sometimes I jot down some of the things that you do and I sell them for... Hey, I got a baby at home, friend. I got to make a little scratch on the side. What's your baby's name again? I won't know until he turns 21 and I fight him in the ring.

You're a dad?

I am a dad.

Could you... Well, I prefer the term Papa. Do you have any room for, I don't know, an eight-year-old boy?

I got my little baby and my beautiful wife and a motorcycle that don't work too well. And those are the only things in my life. Actually, I also have a toothbrush and a, what's it called, a duvet cover. That's mine.

But no comforter under the duvet cover?

No, the comforter belongs to the wife. The duvet cover is mine, OK? A lot of these things were passed on from my dad, who died tragically at war.

You know, speaking of comforter, I think Madeline would have stayed with me if I could have comforter. But of course I always slept on my side facing the opposite way. That's why she went with that chief of police. Seems like a lot of reasons for that.

Sometimes we don't appreciate how great a love is until it's gone.

You said you're eight years old. You have the brain and soul of a 42 year old and the legs of a two year old.

Well, losing your parents will do that to you.

I can find them for you. I'm a PI, along with my assistant PI.

Oh no, they're dead. I saw. Then you didn't lose them.

OK. Wait, you saw? How'd they die? You just saw the animatronic shock?

What's a restaurant on the moon like?

Luna. Great food, no atmosphere.

You knew it.

Yeah, I did know that one, because I've been to the moon. Well, I've boxed a man whose name was Jimmy the Moon. He was as big as the ring. Then it took me about a hundred punches, but finally I wore through that thick skull of his and he went down hard.

Didn't you famously punch him in the stomach where he had an X with band-aids and then his shorts would fall down and then you'd punch him while I tried to pull him up? No.

All right. I must be thinking of someone else. Probably a different story, Fred. I don't know what that is. It's just a big man that I punched a bunch. Now listen here, Scraps, you got any more?

I got two more.

All right, hurry up.

What's black?

Two more? You better not go to a hospital with that kind of talk. It's not a two more.

What's black and white and pink?

Riddle City.

What's black and white, Riddle City?

And pink all over.

What's pink?

I know, I realize that now.

What's black and white and pink all over? What's black and white and pink all over? Oh boy. Probably one of the dirtiest fighters I ever fought. His name was Johnny Pink Eye. Man oh man, he would touch poop with his hands. But in the ring, he was a real devil. You didn't want to get anywhere near those fists because like I mentioned, he would touch poop with his hands.

I feel like you've boxed a lot of characters. What are the top three craziest people you faced in the ring?

OK, OK. Top three craziest people I have faced in the ring. Well, number one with a bullet. I'm sorry, I'll go in reverse order. Let's start with number three.

One of them had a gun?

Yes, he did.

Number one had bullets?

His name was the DC Sniper. He had a gun with a bullet, and he was a terrible man, but I took him down quick. So let's not even count him. Number three, a tone of the tiger. He was a cartoon tiger. Boy oh boy he had a reach. He had 8 to 12 feet reach on him and his hands would grow longer and stretchier. But he was pretty two dimensional so I got his boxing powder down and got him down quick. Number two! I fought Ross, the character for Friends. Not David Schwimmer, keep in mind, but Ross, the character he played.

Was he on a break?

Oh yeah, he took a break. I broke his fucking neck. I went to jail for a couple of minutes. After that fight, I was not supposed to be punching him below the belt. He was bending over and I punched him at the neck. And the number one, the number one cookiest character I fought in the ring goes by the name of Leonardo DiCaprio. No relation. And the bill, the arena had never been packed more. It's a DiCaprio versus Roark, a boxing match. And people came and they were sorely disappointed at just seeing two average boxers punching each other. Nothing to do with the celebrities that share their names. Was that one of the riddles?

Yes.

And here's the last one. What's black and white and sometimes pink? Oh there's two more.

What's black and white and pink all over?

It's someone's genitals inside a newspaper.

Ah, the old newspaper trick. When you go to a movie but it can't afford popcorn.

I want to read this newspaper and your genitals are inside of it.

What's the attack?

An embarrassed zebra.

A what?

An embarrassed zebra.

I don't know what a zebra is. What are you making fun of me?

It's a horse, but it looks a little different.

Just say a horse. Say a different horse.

A horse of a different color. It's a horse of a different color who's embarrassed.

Gotcha.

Here's your last one. Why is the Mississippi such an unusual river?

It's got more eyes than it's got answers.

That's pretty close.

Is that true? It's got more than two eyes.

It says that you're getting close.

It's got a... A lot of people. More pee? It's got more pee than that bridge peer who we classically solve the case where he was diluting the water in the city and trying to poison everybody with his piss apply. It's killed more Jeff Butley's than most people. Wait, what? Huh? Oh yeah, you're right. We didn't tell anybody about that. I forgot about that. Scraps, you tell us. A soul, I'll see you in the boxing ring.

I was drinking pee. But for how long? Why couldn't I taste it?

Look, we're all drinking pee, kid. Anyway!

Is that true?

Yeah, sure. Why not? Okay. That's what P.I. stands for. Piss ingestion. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And I'm a private P.I. so we keep that secret that everyone's ingesting piss.

All right, here's the answer. It is four I's but cannot see.

Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Scraps, what's going on here? Taking off your hoodie? That's the slowest process. Things getting hot in here? You getting nervous? All right Scraps, you tell us right now. We've solved your little riddles.

Okay, okay, fine.

Well, you told us the answers for most of them, but you need to tell us what Marky DeMark is.

Marky sent me down to the docks to talk to his old friend turned enemy, Grip Wilson.

Okay.

He told me to tell him that he finally found a way to give him the money he owes him from that gambling game he lost. He just needs 12 more hours. You should just go talk to Grip about it.

Markie was involved in gambling, eh?

And ask him if he got his money the next morning.

I don't know, but if you see Markie, tell him I'm looking for him too. That son of a bitch owes me a lot of money.

Oh, language, you little eight-year-old boy.

I'm sorry.

Child of a bitch. Cute. Keep talking like that. You don't deserve parents.

Oh, a gambling game. I played a gambling game with Madeleine. I bet she'd never leave me. She called my bluff.

Hmm, seems like you've got a lot to unpack on your own personal time. Let's get down to the docks and talk to Grip! And I'll maybe give him a grip that he won't forget.

Would you like a crutch to go?

Yeah, okay, what do we have to show?

Here you go. And money please.

Money please? Alright, kitty. Here's one Buick worth of money. So, do the math. 30 divided by 8.

That doesn't exactly go in well.

Well, here's enough for a Mazda Miata.

Oh my God.

A nickel. Enjoy.

I grabbed it.

Always buy domestic. All right. Shall we head on down to Gophai and Gripp Wilson? Yeah, Gripp, we should have headed to these docks to begin with, it seems.

The gentleman Chad on the way to the docks.

You know, sometimes salad is too dry.

Ah, yes. You know what you gotta do? Throw some scrambled eggs into that salad.

Ooh, doesn't that then become a burrito?

Hmm, tossed salad and scrambled eggs. That's a burrito. I guess.

When they finally arrive, it's well past midnight and the fog is hanging out over the water. It's a little too quiet and a little too cold. Mickey recognizes grip right away.

Can I have your coat? Sure. I'm cold. Here we go with me. Paint your white coat. Thank you, sir. Oh look, it's Cripp Wilson. Hey, Cripp!

He's boxed against him many times. Cripp is 6'6 and has a scar across the length of his face. It sort of looks like he has some fresh scars and bruises all over the rest of his body. He looks like he was handsome once, but being tough has really done a number on him.

Cripp, you looked like you'd just taken a tumble.

Well, if it isn't Mickey, I used to be a boxer. Now I'm a snitch work. Come here to fight me.

First of all, I'm not a snitch. I saw something and I said something, which is every American civic duty.

I caught him. I caught grip. He's a snitch. He's worth, what is that, 1200 points? No, he was calling me a snitch. Oh, I'm sorry. It's okay. I thought we might win the game and fuck up.

No, no, no. Grip, you old so-and-so, you old husky son of a busky. We want to know where Market and Mark is, and we want to know it now. And don't make me take you out with one of my classic punches. Oh, you're going to take them out and buy some punch? Yeah, well, you stick around long enough and we just might see. Take you to the fanciest boat restaurant in town.

You think, you think that I couldn't kill you with just looking at you? You think that I couldn't run? You think that I couldn't punch you out?

Excuse us, Marge Simpson, we're looking for grip, Wilson.

I'm here, I'm here, and this is also my voice. This is so deep. Call me! This is the deepest, my voice could go, my name's pray, my name's pray.

What did Marge Simpson say when she walked into an Airbnb that ran monitor of her place? Bart! Well, I tried. So you're looking for... Bump, set, and pop the ball.

So you're looking for Marky, huh?

Yes, we are. We're looking for Marky DeMark.

Alright.

No relation.

Well, obviously, before I answer any questions about Marky, you gotta answer my riddle.

Alright, grip. Make it quick.

A man jumped 150 feet entirely... Impossible! Hold on.

Okay.

A man jumped 150 feet entirely under his own power. He landed safely. How did he do it?

He jumped from on top of a building into an inflatable bag below.

No.

He jumped on the moon.

No.

It was a leap of faith. He asked a woman to marry him and she said yes. Jesus took the wheel. Was this man standing on top of something when he jumped off? Yeah.

It wasn't all at once, it was in quick succession.

No, it was all at once. His one jump, was he a bass jumper, or did he have some sort of cord tied to his legs?

No, but you're sort of right, that there's a lettuce and something.

A parachute? A bunch of jumpers. A trapeze artist?

A jump. Oh, he's a frog. The man was a frog.

Good Jasmine, no.

Is this frog man? No. Is it man French? No. Did you swallow a frog? Where's my frog? Chancey, my lucky frog! Grip, you give him back or I'll punch you in the gut and make you throw him up.

Alright, I'll come out next time I sneeze.

Okay. That could be a while, but we'll, but might as well wait for it.

I'll stick a pencil on my nose to get the process done.

You said 150 feet!

Mm-hmm, he jumped off something and it was during a sport.

Hmm, what more do you want? It was jet skiing. Not jet skiing. Para sailing. Oh, was it a skiing?

Yeah, it was a ski jump.

It was a ski slope and he was base jumping.

Can you go 150 feet up when you're skiing? Is that something that's real? I don't know. That's fucking insane.

Alright, got one more.

And he just landed without breaking any legs? This riddle was written on mustard on a napkin.

Yes.

I assume it's mustard. It's black, but... All mustards black.

You can tell when you smell it.

Yeah, at most we have to depend on the smell a lot in this world.

Doing this voice is making me dizzy.

Well, you can change that if you like. I have this voice modulator. You can sound like Darth Vader. Hey, what's the thing? Oh no, smash, smash, smash.

Alright, here's your second minute. The string and the cloth.

Oh, did you read the paper too?

Our buddy's got a lot to apologize for.

A man lay dead in the field next to a piece of string and a cloth. How did he die?

He pulled a tampon out of a woman and she shot it. He shouldn't have done it.

No, but I just read what you did in the paper. Pretty messed up.

That's what I just asked. What the hell? Okay. A man lies dead in a field next to a string and a cloth.

Did the cloth have any writing on it?

Maybe, but probably not.

Was it embroidered? Probably. Stitching? I don't know. You don't know?

This reminds me of Madeline when she left me. I promised her love with no strings attached, but She put the cloth over my eyes, left me for the chief of police.

It sounds like she was being pretty upfront with the fact that she was leaving you.

There's no time for this, I'm sorry.

You gave multiple indications that you weren't interested in her and she kind of found somebody else, it sounds like.

I was doing it aside, but it happened to be a B front.

Okay. Okay, very good. Now, you said that the cloth was attached to the string? No? It was? Was this a kite of some sort? Ding, ding, ding.

Oh no, around Mickey, don't say ding, ding, ding. No, I hope punch, punch, punch. Oh, Mickey's the type of guy who'll punch you in the teeth and then kick you in the stomach for mumbling. I'm sorry, grip, I'm sorry.

Punch, punch, punch, punch, punch.

Oh, you win. Round one. Round two. Punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch. And both our necks snap up and our heads go all slack down and we push our heads back down. Punch!

Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch!

Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch!

Punch! Punch! Punch!

Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch!

Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch!

Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Is that a thing? No. Seagulls eat Pop Rocks? It's a seagull that gets shot with a bullet. That's what it is. Makes them explode. They kill them every time. You know that if you like dynamite and put it inside of a seagull, they'll explode.

That's the drink that I order at the Moxie.

The exploding seagull? Yeah. Oh yeah, that's just gin, right?

Yeah, with some seagull parts.

Okay. Well gripped, any more riddles?

No, but I have the information.

Well, you know, make like a tree and give me that information, Grip.

I saw Marky at about 5am and he told me he was going to get the money from Coco. He was going to take all of her jewelry and sell it.

Okay, we ought to have been there.

But between you and me.

Sure. Ah, jewelry. That reminds me of the foolish games I was playing with Madeleine. She was the jewel of my heart. Living in a car for some time.

How many of these do you think he still have in you?

Not many.

Okay, but between you and me, Coco would kill him before she would let him do that.

Wait a second. Are you saying that he was planning to steal from Coco and you think that Coco killed him?

I think that she could have.

This is just like that Pixar movie. Toy Story. Toy Story, yeah, that's right.

I wouldn't trust Coco, not even a little bit. The men rush back to the moxie just as Coco was singing her last song of the night. They sneak into her dressing room and start to walk around.

No, before we do that, let's hear this last song. Yeah, there's nobody in the house. It's just the end of the song. What a mistake. Let's go back to the dressing room. Let's go back to the dressing room.

The song was, here I am at the microphone, yet she was singing 10 feet away from the microphone.

All right, Rick, we got to be quick, OK? We got to find any evidence. We got to find any clues that it was Coco that did the deed. OK, first of all, let's look for her jewelry. If it's still here, then Markie didn't steal it.

All right. Well, this looks like costume jewelry to me, but surely there's something precious. Oh, there's a locked trunk here. Oh, it's shaking about and moving. Okay. There's some muffled screams in there.

Rick has a hunch and he looks in the trunk.

Whoop.

In the back of a closet. I can't believe you actually said that. That's part of the evidence. Are you kidding me? What a little miracle. I wrote it down.

Somebody in a trunk?

No.

Oh. No. Just the trunk?

Yeah. But kind of cool.

Was it Evan? Yeah, kick it open. Sorry, let me take that again.

In it he finds a silk robe covered in blood. A knife adorned with glittery music notes.

Wait, this could be mustard. Let me smell it. Nope, the black stuff is blood.

Oh, okay. He thought better give it a taste too.

Oh, that's mustard. No, it's blood with a lot of mustard in it.

Sometimes you use mustard to clean blood out of silk.

A knife adorned with glittery music notes. In the closed mark he was last seen in, also covered in blood. And a map that says inconspicuous places to hide bodies.

Man, there's also a severed penis in here.

What to do with that?

And then they talk about other things they see around the room.

Let me put it on my forehead. Look, I'm a unicorn.

Now you do one. Do some prop comedy. I'm also a unicorn. What's the game here?

Let me put it on my dick. Look, I have a dick.

Well, it seems like this case is open and shut. Should we take it back to the chief of police or do you hate that son of a bitch so much you can't put pride aside?

I can put, like a lion ordering an appetizer, I can put pride aside.

Mickey calls the police. And as Coco comes off stage, Brick breaks the news to her that she's busted.

You're busted!

Oh, thank you! There's two things that are busted.

Your voice and you as an entity.

How dare you? You never make fun of a woman's voice.

Well, that's true. Make an exception.

And what do you mean I'm busted as an entity?

We found a trunk in your room with bloody clothes. Both yours and Marky's. A knife and a seven penis. That's the fourth thing. And then also a map about where to hide bodies.

That's not mine.

You might as well admit it, Coco. Ooh, pour some milk over you because you're crispy.

Is Marky dead? My Marky?

Yeah, we assume so.

Oh my gosh, it's not mine. It's not mine.

Wait a second. Let's put this knife in her hand.

It doesn't fit! You're saying you're... it's like a bomb that you don't step on, not mine?

Not mine, but you're gonna take me off to jail anyway. I'll take the fall for this, but you'll be sorry.

Wait, we're gonna be sorry?

You'll be sorry.

Well, tell us this, Coco. Who else would have a key to this trunk or access to this backstage room?

I don't know, but stop asking me so many questions. You'll be healing from my lawyer.

Well let me ask you one more thing. Grip down at the docks, I believe we were at the docks, said that Markie came to you to get the money. Why would he get the money from you when he owed you money? What was the money for? Was that the money he was borrowing from you?

He owed me some money. Pity had a gambling problem. He kept borrowing and borrowing from people. And it was just a circle of debt. But I didn't kill him and you'll be sorry.

This reminds me of my wedding photos and that I don't remember if they've been framed.

Before we go Coco, I want to ask of you to sing one more song if you don't

Do you mind singing one of your... No one near that microphone.

Miles away from that microphone. She's trying to get away. No, come back here, Coco. You're going to jail. You're going to jail.

Okay, but you'll be sorry. Another case solved. As the gentlemen walk home in the morning light, they pass the train station. As the train pulls out of the station, Brixie's Madeleine DeMarque, the chief of police, and Marky DeMarque, in the train car window laughing and toasting champagne. Or at least he thinks he saw them, but that couldn't be them. Right?

What's going on here?

Probably a coincidence. Let's go get sloppy joes. I'm hungry.

End of part one.

Part one? Yeah, that's what she said. Part one. To be continued in a different episode?

And let's get out of black and white. Back to our reality.

What is this? Too much overload.

You're covered in mustard and blood, Adal. What the heck?

I'm pissing mustard. Whoa, mustard and blood in the same bottle? Now that's something that Heinz Corp could get behind.

Okay, Shark Tank, I have a pitch for you. So what do we think? Was that fun?

That was super fun, and I'm genuinely intrigued. Now I have... Did you write this? Wait, what?

This wasn't written by a man?

Yeah, I wrote it.

Wow, Erin, this is great. Thank you so much for doing this. What would you call it? Film noir style riddle? Hey, noirny, noirny. No, let's do it right now.

Hey Riddle City. That's it.

Hey Riddle City.

I like that. Can I ask, how many hours did it take for you to come up with the worst voice possible?

That came naturally to me. Yeah, but no, this was fun to write the story. And I did an arc for two more episodes. We also don't have to return to this. No, we must. But if you like it and then the audience likes it, we can come back and you'll find out.

Damn, Erin Keif's a regular Noah with how many arcs she's doing.

I read a lot of Wikipedia pages on a lot of film noirs.

You call them noirs?

Noirs.

Besides all the work that you've done for this episode, Erin, is there anything else that you would like to plug?

Follow me, Erin Keif 10, on Instagram and information about my new web series will be on there and also the shows that I do. Please follow me there and then also Twitter if you want, but I don't really tweet. Adal?

You can check me out on, I just did a podcast called Shuffle Quest. It was a wrestling RPG that was a blast to play. Please listen to that and hear me play a robot wrestler. You can also follow me at Adal Rifai on Twitter and Instagram. Come check us out at World News Tonight, every Saturday at 10pm and 8pm at IO Theater.

A quick note about that though, sometimes we don't have a long time to talk. Like last night so many amazing nice people were there.

Please say hi to us.

Definitely say hi. But we're so sorry because it's usually like in between shows and we have a 10 o'clock show so like we wish we could sit and talk to you for a really long time.

And if you get four fucking words out of me you should count yourself fucking walking. JPC, anything to plug? Yeah, you can follow me on Twitter, at jpsofly. You can follow me on Instagram, at sharkbarkman. You can subscribe to our Patreon, patreon.com slash heyriddleriddle. Go to our T-public store and check out some of our merchandise. Maybe we're doing live shows, who fucking knows? Go to headgun.com slash live and see if you see our icon on there. If you see it, we're doing live shows. If you don't, you're shit out of luck and maybe next year, baby.

Also, once we get to 1500 Apple reviews, we're going to do another AMA episode. I think we're fairly close. Are we? Cool. We're somewhere there. So, pressure your friends into reviewing us on Apple Podcasts.

And if you do not have an Apple ID, then you can make a fake Apple ID, you'll have to get a new phone number, and you'll have to connect that to a new phone. Now, since all of the phone numbers on planet Earth are already taken up by people who already got their first sari, you'll have to go to planet... Stupid Earth! Oh, the voice.

What's wrong with this voice?

This has been Hey Riddle Riddle, created by Adal Rifai. Starring Erin Keif, and John Patrick Molynek, H.E. Snyder Vinnie editing, M.R.E. Parrot in the View City. Logo created by Emily Cardamus and M.O.E. Nemours. Hey Riddle Riddle.

That was a hate gun podcast.