Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Hey, what's up? What's that all?

That was my favorite one you've ever done. What?

I love it.

That was so funny. Really? Yeah.

That was great. So wait, when I don't try I'm funny?

Yeah. And I'm Erin Keif. Whoa.

That's my favorite response you've ever had.

Yeah. JPC, what do you got? Uh, boy oh boy. I'm JPC, and that stands for just polite comedian.

Did I tell you?

No!

Oh, I don't think I told you this in person. I've told a lot of my friends. Wait, what?

I talked- You told us, but not in person?

I don't think I've told you this.

So she says she hasn't told us, but she's told a lot of her friends.

Yes.

That sucks to hear.

I think I said this.

Your dolls?

Um, yeah, my dolls. Are we not your friends? We were at, uh, Woolley Mansour's birthday party and you left. I was there. I know, but then you left and then I think I told the room this. I was talking on the phone with my father. My dad. His name is Richard.

Give him a plug.

His name is Richard. What does he do? He's the best. He works at his job and he's nice. He's the nicest man I've ever known.

His name is Richard Keif. He works at his job and he's nice.

So nice.

Richard Keif is filming for the live studio audience.

Um, anyway.

Is he like the anti-mitch?

Yeah, I call him the Anti-Mitch. He's truly heaven as a person. Anyways, I was on the phone with him and he was asking about the podcast and he goes, you know, it took me so long to try to remember what three letters JPC's name was. And he goes, I kept mixing it up and your mother kept getting so frustrated at me being like, it's JPC, it's JPC. And I didn't want your mom to yell at me anymore. So I was like, I'm going to use words to remember what it is. And he just is like, now I remember it. And he wasn't trying to make me laugh. He went, now I remember it as just plain comedy.

That's fantastic. Just plain comedy.

I'm gonna send him a text to show you that that's funny.

Just plain comedy. He's calling you Vanilla, my friend.

No, plain comedy.

What's the deal with airplane food?

Eric, you have to be honest with me. Yeah. Scout's honor.

Yeah.

Promise me. You have to swear to me.

I swear.

You'll be honest.

Yeah.

Did your dad think his initials were JFK?

Probably, yeah. He just was like, John, you always do this! He's like, I keep mixing it up, and I was like, just plain comedy. J.P.C., can I ask you something?

I laughed for 11 minutes. Within the past few months, I've taken to calling you Japes. Do you like that? Yeah, people have been calling me Japes my whole life. Really?

Yeah. Your whole life, even before you changed your name? Yeah, because... Because Japes are jokes. Yeah, Japes are jokes. And also my older brother, whose name is Jesse Brown, people call him Jables.

Mmm, because he's Anne of Green Jables.

I actually have no fucking idea what that's about.

I usually, anyone that I can do this with, I usually tend to like add, so like my best friend is Rob White, but I'll call him Bobby, or little Bobby White, or like Pat Earls is a friend of mine, so I call him Patty. Little Patty White. But I try, like if I become close enough with someone, I feel like I just put a spin on their name. Just give them a name. So I was like, I'll start calling JPC Japes, and that'll be fun. And then I feel like,

Ooh, this little girl in the corner doesn't have a nickname.

But here's the thing, Brett Lyons is a good friend of mine, but I don't know what to do with his name. Like, Bretty sounds weird, right? So, like with Erin Keif, like, what's it? Here, let me, here. Give me a scale of one to five, and we're gonna suss this out right now. Adal and I will rapid-fire try to send that on you.

Okay, great.

EKG. Uh, four.

Out of five?

Yeah.

Pretty good. Uh, Keefy.

Uh, five?

Kitty paws.

One.

Okay. One's the best.

Three.

Cat ass. Five.

Eek. Five.

Eek the cat.

One.

Eek the cat butt. Eek the cat ass.

One. Eek her. Four. Okay. Five. 5.

6. 11. Stranger Things. So Keefy, would you like Keefy?

I like Keefy. I like, my dad used to call me Erin Baron and then sometimes before I'd enter a room he'd go, now presenting Countess Von Erin Baron and I'd come in and be like

Earlier you said that Robert Keif was a slice of goddamn heaven. Richard Keif. What did I say?

I don't know who Robert Keif is, but he sounds nice.

Can he be someone? Sounds really good to me.

Can I be right?

Yeah, sure. So Richard Keif, you said was a goddamn slice of heaven. And now I understand why.

Yeah.

Because that's adorable.

True heaven.

So, Erin Baron.

Can I call you Keefy then? Keefy's and Keefy.

What's a fun nickname for me?

Dole. Little Bobby White.

Little Bobby Dole. Let's call him Little Bobby White from now on.

Adi Batty. Ooh, I like that.

Adi Batty. Adi Batty.

My college roommate used to call me Adi Pants.

Can I call you Addy?

Yeah. Adman.

Can I call you Mr. Rifai? Can I call you Chun?

Two. Five. Riff Raff. Five.

Street rat.

Street rat. Street rat.

I don't.

I think he's rather horny.

What did you say? Gotta eat a kid. Gotta fuck a kid. You said that one episode. That's what GPC said once.

Gotta fuck a kid. Gotta eat his ass. It was a different time. Six months ago.

Six months ago.

I've grown a lot. So let's redo the intro. Hey, what's up? This is Riff Raff, Japes, and Keefy.

Eek the cat!

And Shirky the Dog. Oh, and people checked out. And this is a podcast about riddles. And I've got great news for you.

Oh my god, what's the news? Am I pregnant?

Erin, I've got great news for you. Am I pregnant? I've been keeping track of your urination schedule and by my... As always. As always. As I promised to do, and Adal, I have also been keeping track of your urination schedule. I've been keeping track now, Adal, for you.

Joke's on you. I don't pee. I don't poop.

Five months a day. I have not seen a pee yet.

I poop out my piss.

I've heard a bunch of pee's, but I haven't seen one. Sorry, not sorry. But Erin, you're pregnant.

Oh, with what? A human baby? Oh damn.

It is a turd. No, the good news for both of you is that there are, I've prepared some riddles for this episode, and I'm going to act as... Ooh, he has a covered dish here.

He has Oven Mitsana covered dish. He's lifting up the lid. It's Arby's. That's a dead cat. That's a dead cat.

Who's eaten Arby's?

It died from Arby's. Yeah. I'm dying of Arby's. But yes, I've prepared some riddles. I'll be playing the part of Old Man Puzzles.

Can I say something real quick? I saw a tweet recently that basically said, Arby's stands for roast beef. It's the letter R, the letter B. I've known that my whole life. This tweet got like 500,000 fucking likes. Are we just tweeting facts now and people give us love?

Yeah.

That's kind of how Twitter works. I'll see a tweet where it's like an actual funny observation or something and I'll have like 32 likes and then someone would be like, dogs is crazy. I'll have like a million retweets.

Let me see your phone. So you're just looking at your own tweets.

Yeah, I'm saying I'm underappreciated.

Go to your feed and that's where you're still in the popular stuff. Arby's used to have those big signs that was a hat that said Arby's roast beef sandwich is delicious.

Do you remember those? L.A. still has one of those giant Arby's with a hat on Sunset right by the earwolf studios.

Nice.

Well it's not the fucking network that we're talking about. Please listen to Headgum podcast only. Headgum also has a very impressive sign right next to their studio and it's I think a gas station maybe? But if you need gas, no matter what's in the world.

I do love the Headgum studios.

Yeah, it's very cool. It's in a shoe box and a child's bedroom. Yeah, it's very fun. My grandma almost died from eating jacket and box.

Really?

Was that fun? What was she eating?

Jacket and box.

What did she order, the two tacos? Oh sorry, she ate a jacket and a box.

Oh yeah, okay.

Yeah, that'll kill her grandma. She had a shirt in her coffin.

Oh yeah, that'll kill her grandma. Oh, new catchphrase for me?

Yeah. Blue color comedy to her. That'll kill her grandma.

I'm ready.

Oh, OK. Well, Erin's ready. That means it's time to begin. Wait, who's ready? Erin. Who? Eek's a cat. Thank you.

Oh, no. The wrong one's sticking.

That's what my grandma said.

That's what your mom said last night.

What?

They're wrong. You saw my mom last night? Yeah. Fuck. She says hi.

Great.

Okay, so this is a riddle.

Are you doing your Obama impression?

This is a drug strike. How do you stop an astronaut baby from crying? How do you stop it?

Give him some space. Is this a riddle for a kid? Ooh, Erin, Keify. That's like verbalizing, right? Is this a riddle for kids? Tell him he's a star. This is a joke for kids. How do you stop an astronaut baby from crying?

An astronaut's baby from crying? Tell him he's a star. Tell him he's a star. Take off his helmet.

What the fuck?

I killed it too.

So dark. I killed it.

Yeah, that's true. Tell him that he holds a lot of gravity in your life.

Oh, if the baby's a girl, you challenge her. Nice. Explosion. Gross.

How do you stop an astronaut's baby from crying?

An astronaut's baby.

An astronaut's baby.

So not an astronaut's baby.

No, it's an astronaut's baby.

Adorable. Oh, is this like milky way, like breast milk milky way, or like big... Breast milky way. You big dipper. You big dipper and breast milky way.

Has somebody helped me?

Jim Carrey's name is Frays from the Mass. Hold on, I want to see a scene. Somebody help me. I want to see a scene. Adal, Erin and I are gonna be executives at Milky Way. And you're an outside admin who's pitching, trying to pitch us on a new Milky Way flavor called Breast Milky Way.

Okay, so just hear me out. This is called Breast Milky Way.

Okay, usually pitches don't start with just hear me out. That's a red flag for us. And you said the name of this is... And red flag means go? Red flag is Australian for beer. Oh, it's like the Red Bull. It was red flag. You said the candy is called Breast Milky Way.

Yeah, am I hearing that right?

Breast Milky Way. It's a Milky Way made from breast milk and the slogan would be simply the breast. Or the slogan could also be tits.

What? Yummy, yummy. What ingredient would the breast milk be replacing?

Instead of milk chocolate, it's breast milk chocolate. Can I ask you, am I crazy? Aren't you the people who made Fuck Pudding? Put your limp dick in it?

Yeah, of course we made Fuck Pudding.

So you don't make Fuck Pudding, but I'm bonkers for... We're a Mars candy company, so we make a lot of different products. And Fuck Pudding is for a specific market, but Milky Way is an established brand.

This is Mars candy company?

Yes, it is. I'm looking for Jupiter candy company.

Oh, that's down the hall.

And that's the end of this meeting. Jupiter.

But we accidentally ended the episode. I don't know. What do we do now?

Well no, now it's just dead air. Let's all just be quiet for 50 more minutes. But while we're crying, does anyone have an answer to this riddle? How do you stop a baby astronaut? An astronaut's a baby. How do you stop an astronaut's baby from crying? You don't tell it anything. You show it something. Toss it in a black hole. What are some other astronaut things? You... ice cream. How does Nashor get to space?

Rocket chip.

Practice.

You... Rocket.

You rocket. Rocket to sleep. Practice! How does Nashor get to space? Ten thousand hours. And then turn left. Yes, you rocket. And all of those puns that you came up with were very good. Here's an old classic, an old standby. Why was six afraid of seven?

Seven eight nine.

Because seven ate ass. Seven ate that ass. 7.69.6 in front of 9, and that was traumatizing.

What is a witch's- I remember being a kid and being so mad that no one would tell me what 69, why 69 was funny.

What do you mean?

Like, no one, everyone was like, 69 is a sexy number and I, no one would tell me why.

How old were you at this time?

Wait, wait, wait. 20 years? Wait, wait, wait, wait. Why is 69 a sexy number? It's, I don't know, Erin's thinking of- What's going on? Erin's thinking of- Wait, no, no, no, tell me.

I'm paying for it. I don't know, I don't think I knew until I was like, well into my teenage years. Cause no one would tell me. Cause it looks like two sperm?

Yeah, I'm sure. Yes, we have kids listening to this, so let's just say it's because it looks like two sperm and let's leave it at that.

Oh, we do have a lot of high schoolers who listen to us. On our Instagram, we asked what everyone's deal was and who they are. Lots of high school students listen.

Something I didn't know. Well, we are played in most high school science classes as official curriculum.

Oh, that's so sad. I want to see a scene. It's all three of us. We have been hired to go to a high school and give a, you know like when you're in high school, you know when you're in high school and you go into the auditorium and there's someone who tells you like not to do drugs or whatever that is. Yeah, it's a janitor who can do drugs. We're hired for that, but we're getting people to listen to Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey kids.

Dab, dab, dab.

My name's Riff Raff. That's a fun thing, right?

And everybody calls me Japes because I love potato chips.

Eek, the cat. That's me.

And we're here to tell you about our podcast. Does anybody here listen to podcasts? Boo! That's what you should be saying because podcasts suck, except if they're cool. I'm seeing a lot of middle fingers. Yeah. What are some of the podcasts you listen to?

Hello from the Magic Tavern, but not the Badger parts.

Oh wow, that hurts. Has anybody listened to WTF?

With Mark Maron? No!

Okay, okay. Well our podcast is like that, but different in terms of we pose riddles to each other.

You made it weird!

Okay, another great one. By saying what?

Comedy Bang Bang!

So great. So good examples of what successful podcasts look like. So take what they do, strip out all the heart or comedy, and then insert a overwrought premise and three people who hate each other.

Does that sound like fun kids? No!

No!

Cool. Well, let's try and cater to what you want. So let's spitball some ideas in terms of what do you want from a podcast? What things do you watch? Porn?

True crime!

Okay, so how about... What about some porn crime? True porn. True porn! What if... Is that a thing?

That's the only porn I watch!

True porn?

So like amateur.

Yeah! Amateur porn.

Amateur milk porn.

How about an ASMR podcast of two amateurs fucking while committing crimes?

Are you allowed to say this at our high school?

I don't think so. I'm getting a red light in the back. That's a sniper.

Oh, it's a red flag. Scene. Scene. Yeah, we'd be great at schools. Speaking of schools, what is a witch's favorite subject in school?

Chemistry.

Brew. Home brew. Homebrew. What school did you go to? Chemistry is a good guess. Oh, I know her favorite song is Cauldron, maybe. Think grade school or like elementary school, not like high school.

Wart. Wart. Wartmetik.

This is a subject that I think a lot of people had, but it goes away like post before middle school. Oh, Hexed. No, no. Hexed. Hexed. That's good. Wow. That's really good. Hex head.

Science.

Yeah, science goes away. Catography. Think about something that's really hard to do when you're a little kid, but eventually people just stop giving you shit about because you've got computers and taxes. Handwriting is close. A calligraphy. No. Catalligraphy. Think of, I mean, you're on that with words.

Writing.

English. Close. English. Batwinglish. What is a witch's favorite subject in school? Whoo, witches, curse. What are witches? They don't curse, they cast spells. Spelling!

Alright, I just don't want to see a scene. Okay. You are two witches and you're like, you're two witch moms and you're complaining that like the curriculum at your kids' public schools isn't up to par.

Okay.

Oh my god. What? What is it, Glenda? What?

Well, so Ted came home today, well, Teddy came home today, and he was telling me about what they're doing in school. Oh, okay. Or what they're not doing. Don't get me started. So, spelling class today. They were casting disarming spells. Where you have somebody lose their arms?

Yeah. That's too far. Yeah, it's too far. Can I tell you what my Bridget is doing? No. She's in a public school?

Oh, oh, I'm so sorry. It's okay. You know how we can cast spells for money? What? You can create gold. Spells for money?

Is that like gold for cash or cars for cash?

Yeah, let me pop on a quick commercial. Hey, are you a witch that didn't need money?

Are you a wizard that didn't need money?

Well, pick up your wine and gas to spend.

Otherwise, you can go to hell.

Money, spells for money, spells for money dot witch dot com. Yeah. Did they rhyme money with money? I'm so sorry.

I don't know why we watched that.

See?

Are you a witch who needs money or a wizard who needs money? Ooh, keepy. Keepy, keepy, keepy.

I've never said I was good at improv. We're talking or being.

In fact, you have said you're bad at it and that you don't do it well.

I was emailed recently from I.O. that was like... Weird flex, but okay. This is so... It's funny that they contacted me, but they were like, would Erin Keif want to do a gig? And I'm like, I think so. And they're like, it's musical improv. And I was like, no.

Yay! Thank you.

But they go, really? And I go, she can sing, but she can't... Rhyme. She can't rhyme on the spot.

No, I can't.

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it's me, Adal. That's true.

I will do that if they pay me a ton of money.

Oh, we're still on this. Sorry. Yeah, that's what people want. They're like, oh yeah, we'll have someone do your musical improv show. Well, she's really bad, so she'll only do it if she gets a ton of money.

I'm okay as long as the song is an arriving song.

So, not a song.

No, other people do the rhymes.

Wait, what? You just set up all the rhymes?

That's the best. That's what if I ever go on Off Book, I'm gonna go listen.

Listen to me. Here's what I'll say. I've been on Off Book twice and you do not have to be able to sing a rhyme to be on Off Book.

What's the problem here?

Every time I'm on Off Book, it's me being like, Hey, who has cheese? Thank you, please. It's like a fifth grader giving a book report. Listen to an off-book. They're amazing. I'm bad. They're amazing. Your fifth grad book reports sound like they're fucking awful about finding cheese and shit.

I get off-book songs stuck in my head more than regular songs.

Brag.

Those two crazy kids. Those two crazy kids? They write the catchiest, not right. They make up the catchiest songs ever.

Listen to our episode with Zach and Jess. And I think those two crazy kids, hey, they just might make it. Can I also say? With their respected relationships. Also listen to our episode with Zach and Miri. And listen to the movie Zach and Miri make a portal. Yeah. Oh right! When does a joke become a dad joke?

When a dad tells it.

No. What kind? No, not really though.

Hi joke, I'm dad.

Adal Rifai. Adal Rifai. Nope.

When did the joke become a dad joke?

Oh, when it's... When it's golfing. Closer. When it gets another joke pregnant. When there's a pregnant pause. Is that it? No, no.

When it has a kid.

Pause is spelled P-A, apostrophe S. When it has a kid... When it's just kidding. When it has... When it's just kidding is close. When it has a kid is you're on the right track.

Something a kid. Not a kid.

Something, something single-bed.

A laugh, a joke.

What's a kid and a... Adult. A kid in a... What's if you're an adult and you have a kid, your relationship with that kid is... A parent. It's a parent you're kidding. Yeah, when the punch line... Is a parent. Is a parent. Yes.

Pretty good, actually.

Yes, pretty good. And the last one of these, the last one of these, how do you make a lemon drop?

A drop, you let go.

You make a lemon drop.

Is that what it is?

You just let it fall. Oh, okay.

Ah, the sweet summer air. Isn't it nice? I do want to see a scene. Oh, okay. Erin, you are noted physicist's best friend. You are Susie Newton.

Okay. Best friend, also sister?

Yeah. Sister's going to be best friends. So you are Isaac Newton's sister. Isaac, of course, had that apple fall on his head. He discovered gravity. Or put a name to it. And you are Susie Newton. You're sitting under a lemon tree. And we see what happens.

Isaac, he's so great because he got a head injury and now he's getting all this money from him. I'm Susie Newton and everybody underestimates me. And I'm going to have something happen to me when I get famous and I get... A lemon just fell on my knee. Guess I'll eat it? No. No one's ever eaten a lemon before.

Susie, it's me. Your inner voice.

Okay. Let's unpack. Excuse me? Go ahead. No, no.

I can go away.

No, no, no. Okay. Stay, stay, stay.

Or I can put it on a lady voice, but it's not going to be good.

Don't do that. Don't do that. Just stay. What's up?

I'm your inner reasoning.

Okay.

What just happened to you could be useful for future mankind? Uh, womankind. People.

Okay, well, can I, should I eat this lemon? I mean, no one's ever eaten a lemon before.

No, no, no. When life hands you lemons, hmm?

Okay.

When life hands you lemons, you can come up with a phrase to finish that.

When life hands you lemons, throw the lemons at your enemies.

Good, good, good first rough draft.

When life hands you lemons,

Here, let me start.

Cut it up and put it on fish.

Yeah, if you're Mediterranean. Here, let me give you a little nudge.

Okay.

When life doesn't ask you to the prom, you promenade.

Okay.

Susie, Susie, wake up. Okay, I'm so sorry. My name is Dr. Stevens.

Wait, can you say that line again?

Susie, Susie, wake up.

Wake up. Wake up a little, Susie. Wake up. Can I have that?

Yeah, it's all yours. Okay, peace out. My name is Dr. Stevens. You're in the hospital. You've been in a coma for the last- Wait, wait, wait.

Can you say that again?

What was your name? Dr. Stevens.

And you're a cat?

Yeah, I can be. Cat Stevens, can I have that? It's all yours. God bless you, Yusef Islam. Susie, you're in the hospital. You've been in a coma for the last nine months. You ate a lemon.

But I was just 15 for a moment.

What was she in? A coma. Girlfriend in a coma. And what was your line?

I'm 15 for a moment.

Nothing with that. Can I have girlfriend in a coma? No, that's mine. I'm keeping that. I'm keeping that. Ah, Yusef Islam. You've been to a coma for the last nine months. Your brother, Isaac, has won the Medal of Science.

No.

You ate a lemon. No one has ever done that before. And you went into a coma for nine months.

What? Maybe I should have just eaten the outside and not the outside.

Eating the outside of the lemon? No, that's something.

No, don't eat the outside. Just eat the inside.

Dr. Doctor, wake up. Wake up. Huh? You fell asleep. You were hit in the head by a watermelon. You slept under the watermelon tree? I slept at the Gallagher Show.

That's it.

Okay, I will say in advance. This is our worst episode.

No, we've done way worse.

We've done worse. I will say in advance that you two will hate these riddles because I hate them.

And they're a bad band.

And they're a bad band. They did the lemon tour. This one is called The Empty Rapper. Oh, it's just about 50 cents. Yeah, and he's got no friends, and he feel no love. And Kenny Shop, like a lollipop. A woman was at the checkout lane of a supermarket. That was my guess.

Did I ever tell you the story of, um, I was really young and me and my friend were in charge of babysitting her younger brother. And all, the only instruction her mom gave before we left the house was like, don't let him eat Oreos. He's addicted. Don't let him eat them. And we're like, we got it. And then we just fully didn't pay attention to him. And like five minutes before the mom got home, he walked into a room and was like, Hey guys, he was breathing Oreo dust. It was like on his eyes and his face and his nose and his mouth. Like there's nothing, More obvious in the world than this kid had eaten like 11 sleeves of Oreos.

He was like, what's up? Why keep him in the house?

I don't know. And we were like, Matthew, you ate Oreos. And he tried to die in the hill that he had. Interesting. Just covered in chocolate going, I didn't, how do you know I didn't eat Oreos? And it's one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

That's phenomenal. That sounds like something that I would do as an adult. Okay, so you both... Better replace Oreos with Cocaine now. Cocaine, my. The Empty Wrapper. She had her two-year-old son with her. When their son got hungry, she got permission from a store manager to buy a sandwich at the delicatessen counter, give it to her son, and pay for it later at the checkout counter with the rest of her merchandise.

Fascinating.

Which is just an insane thing, to get permission from the store manager like it's fucking school. Let me ask you.

You also have to use the bathroom. You have to ask them. Can I pee pee in the pool?

Have you ever gone to a grocery store and eaten something while like walking around the grocery store?

I've opened a drink and that was like maybe one time. I opened like a water and then paid for it.

Hey Riddle. Hey Riddle. JBC, you famously never pay for ChapStick.

No, I don't pay for ChapStick. And I've definitely, there used to be the Marsh or Kroger that I grew up with. Say Marsh? Marsh was a grocery store chain in Indianapolis. They don't exist anymore. It was like Marsh and Joel Malleus were two grocery store chains that I don't think exist anymore. Hey Riddle I mean, yes, I would pay for them like later. There has been times where I've eaten food in the grocery store, like from taking it off a shelf and eating it and not paid for it, just like throwing it away or something and then left the store. But that's been a long time since I've done that. And one time I think I opened a drink like a Dr. Pepper. And I was drinking it as we were going and there was still something in it as I was leaving to pay and they were ringing it up and the person who was ringing it up was like, this is open. I was like, yeah, I'm drinking. I've been drinking out of it. And they were like, you just drank this? And I was like, yeah. And now I'm paying for it. I was like, what's the fucking problem?

They were like incredulous that I had done that. See, I'm almost with the checkout register person because that is part of my, like the social norms of like, unless you pay for it, don't, what are you doing? But I guess, I guess, or even like you would, you might spill it. Like it's not even a thing of like that you're going to pay for it eventually. It's a thing of like, what if you spilled it all over the floor or like, what if you cut your tongue on the, then they're liable.

If you're at the grocery store and you dropped, you grabbed like a can of tomato sauce and it slipped out of your fingers and it shattered on the, on the ground, would you like pay for it?

No.

Yeah.

But if you're drinking, if you open a Dr. Pepper and drop it, you opened it. So you're, would you pay for causation issue? Yes. Cause I opened it.

I would not.

We are cut from a different cloth, my friend.

As long as I'm in the store, I'm not paying for it. Because I understand what this store is. What about sex? I will always pay for it. In terms of recreates. In terms of SCDs. No, but I think that these stores are big corporations. They have a factored and loss factor of people stealing already in their prices. So if you're not stealing from this store, you're actually getting suckered by these stores who are charging you more money because they're already factoring it. It's like they have like a theft percentage that just goes into their thing. But also, if I take money from fucking Kroger, who gives a shit? That's a fucking corporation. I'd love to steal millions from that corporation.

Is this bad when I was a kid? I used to go to this place called The Fruit Center in Hingham, Massachusetts with my mom. Yes, it's bad. Give your mom a plug. Her name is Mary Beth Keif and she's the best. Where's she work? A place and she's great at it. And so my mom would like give me like three or four green beans. I think you're describing the life of a mouse.

You're like eating green beans out of a shower, you know.

You don't need a piece of cheese.

You know how that takes a couple hours to eat green beans? I'm a borrower. Okay, so Erin's got a lot of her childhood to reexamine, so we are going to take a quick break. We will be right back after a message from our sponsors, the grocery store. Oh shit. Oh man. And we are back from the grave, baby. And then we all do the zombie walk and we're all spooky.

It's the buzzer.

Yeah, what a truly terrible riddle. But I've got some more riddles for you that are equally terrible. This one's called Secret Fuel. Marvin often sneaked into his neighbor's driveway in the middle of the night in the course of playing a prank. He would quietly unscrew the fuel cap from his neighbor's car and pour gasoline into its fuel tank. What was he up to? The car was a model car. Read it again? Erin, I will not. If you want to read it, if you want to hear it again, you can wait till this episode comes out and you can fucking listen. Marvin often sneaked into his neighbor's driveway in the middle of the night in the course of flight. Snooked. Snooked. You liked eggs? In the course of playing a prank, he would quietly unscrew the fuel cap from his neighbor's car and pour gasoline into its fuel tank. What was he up to?

The car runs on blood.

Yeah, the car runs on blood. It's a little vampire car.

Yeah, it's a little vampire car. It's Dragula.

Rob Zombie's Dragula. Dragula Racer. No, the car, I don't believe the car runs on blood.

So what else could a car, is an electric car? Well, if it's in Boston, it would run on Duncan.

America runs on Duncan, which is the problem.

That's what's wrong with America. We run on Duncan. It does say gasoline cap. Yeah, gasoline cap. So pour gasoline, unscrew the gasoline cap, pour in gasoline. What's the problem here? What's the prank? Oh, he does it while nude?

Does it, so his friend can save money. It's hilarious.

It's his neighbor's driveway. He's playing a prank. He'd unscrew the fuel cap and poured gasoline into the fuel tank. What was he up to? Gasoline is his dog. Yes, it's always the answer. Gasoline is his dog. His dog's name is Gasoline.

Of course his name was Gasoline.

Would you guys like some hints? Yes. I will say I haven't read these hints. I don't know how a hint could help you with this.

I can't wait.

Was the gasoline adulterated, the wrong octane rating, or otherwise intended to make the car run poorly? No. Did the neighbor know of Marvin's activities? No. Hence, it's a prank. Was the car covered by a warranty? Yes.

Does that have to do with what the car runs on?

No. No. And it does run on Duncan. I will say that they say that this is a prank. I know the answer to this riddle. I would never qualify this as a prank.

Is it helpful to the neighbor?

Is it like useful? I mean, the gasoline, yes, is useful to the neighbor. In the car? In the car, yes. But I guess technically this is still a prank and so there's a part of it that's not useful.

Like the miles? Like the... Yeah?

You're on the right track. The miles? The miles is the right track? Yeah. But what about the miles? What did you say? She just said the miles.

I'm sussing it out.

Miles Morales. Spider-Man. I've already watched it twice. I've seen two movies in the theater four times. The Spider-Verse and Kubo and the Two Strings.

Really? I saw Edge of Tomorrow in theaters five times.

That movie is so good.

I love that movie. I loved that movie.

I hadn't seen it until this year.

Really? Yeah. I keep hoping to make it sinkhole.

John and I do that thing where every time we watch a movie it's like another person's pick and the other person can't have seen it. And that was like one of his first picks for me because he had a complete meltdown when he found out I hadn't seen that. It's so good.

It's fantastic.

Like a year of doing that with him and that's the best movie he's ever shown.

I would buy that movie on DVD or Blu-ray or whatever, however you buy movies. I'd watch it again. It's great.

His favorite movie that I showed him was Little Women.

Little women walking down the street.

Have you seen Little Women with Winona Ryder?

I read the book.

But did you see the Christian Bale Winona Ryder one?

Maybe, I don't know.

Watch it. Please. I've seen it before. Did you see it? Did you like it?

Yeah.

Oh, okay. You're good.

Also, was Louisa May Alcott from Chicago? Because there's a Louisa May Alcott school in Lincoln Park.

Oh, is there? No, she's from Massachusetts.

Okay.

We'll see for now. We'll see how history writes it.

Are you always watching her bones or? Yeah, where you're from is where your bones are.

Her house that she lived in and grew up in, you can take a tour of and it's magical. You can like sit at the desk where she wrote Little Women.

Is it in Boston or is it at?

It's in Concord, Massachusetts. It's like a little bit west.

You can fucking go there. You can fuck Victoria Del Pacquiao there.

I took my best friend there and we happened to go on the day that one of them, one of the sisters had gotten married in history. So it was the one day a year they put her wedding dress out and my friend got out about that and started crying on the tour. She's like, this is a miracle! That's how nerdy we are. Not a very cool group of people.

My mom just turned 60, so I'm taking her to Boston in October and Salem for her 60th.

I take my mom to Boston. She just turned 60. How much do you love that song?

10 out of 10.

5 out of 5. So was the neighbor burned before?

This is traumatic.

I don't know. It's something to do with the car. You said the warranty thing's important. Why is that worth mentioning?

The warranty is important, I guess.

So what situation would arise where putting gas in a car is like, uh-oh? Oh, is the neighbor poor? No.

I don't know. Marvin's neighbor had recently bought an extravagant sports car and bragged about it constantly. Hoping to quiet him down, Marvin poured a gallon of fuel into his fuel tank every few nights. After the neighbor began to boast about his new car's outstanding mileage, Marvin knew that his plan would work.

He stopped.

Does anyone know how that his plan would work? Because I certainly don't at this point. He put sugar in the gasoline?

So he eventually stops doing it so the guy thinks he's going crazy. He put a banana in the gasoline?

Merely add fuel quietly, then stop and let the neighbor wonder why the mileage suddenly deteriorated just as the warranty expired.

Wait, what? So the neighbor wasn't putting gas in it? No. He thought it was like unlimited gas?

He just thought that he was getting way better gas mileage. I see. Oh yes, yes, yes. Because he got it.

That's sort of a prank.

This is like the shampoo prank where people stand above someone in the shower and keep pouring shampoo in their hair.

I guess. But here's the thing. The neighbor would be like, oh, my car's getting this great mileage. And then it would stop. And he'd be like, I wonder why it's not getting mileage anymore and take it to the shop. And he's like, this is the mileage that it's getting. And the people at the shop would be like, that's the mileage that car gets.

Sir, this is a candy shot.

I'll let you lick the lollipop. What's that?

But that would make him go insane because he goes, no, no, no, I've had this car quite some time.

Oh yeah, and it did say he did go insane and he ate his father. Oh, so that made him your father.

I love riddle books.

I want to see a spleen.

I love riddle books.

I want to see a scene. JPC, Erin and I are your neighbors. Gosh mess I have by that. Topical. We're a married couple next door and you keep pulling what you think is a prank on us, but it's not quite the prank you think it is. Okay. And you're asking if we've noticed.

Hey Mark, Jenny, how's it going? Whoa, look at that on your porch. Another wedding cake.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's so weird. We keep... So strange. One of these... So strange. Every day for the past three years, we've gotten one of these.

Yeah, and that's... It's actually really nice. It's beautiful. We bring them to work, so both of our offices are super happy.

Yeah, and the fondant is just exquisite.

The fondant.

As what was it? You're fine. I love you. Fondant. What did I say? Fondant. Fondant.

Fondant. I love you.

Fondant. Fondant. Your mouth is being lazy. It's fondant.

I love you. Fondant.

Okay.

What were you saying?

Marzipan. How do you say Marzipan?

Marzipans.

Pick a side!

Anyway, what were you saying?

Yeah. Carl, what were you saying? Anyway, it's German chocolate. What is? It's German chocolate. What is? The cake.

How do you know?

How'd you know that? I can see it from here. Oh. But you both like just regular chocolate cake, right?

Yeah, we like all cakes. Like you said, we're bringing it to our work.

You like all cakes? Yeah, especially ones like this. I mean, each cake had to have cost, I don't know, $400?

$500? The people at our work really appreciate it. Everyone seems really happy.

Married and you moved in here on your first day. You're sweating. You said that you just like chocolate cake.

Oh, we just like maybe we're making conversation. I think I was making a chocolate cake that day and I went, hey, we're making a chocolate cake. I love chocolate.

It's kind of a blanket statement. So German chocolate falls under chocolate. The umbrella of chocolate? It tastes different. Sure, but it's so chocolate.

Good, I like dark chocolate, milk chocolate.

Even red velvet.

Oh, delicious. White chocolate, yeah. Do you want some of this cake? No. I can't eat cake.

You can't eat cake? No. Hey, can I ask you something? I got celiac disease. Can I ask you something? Yeah. The other day Jenny and I noticed that one of the letters that came in our mail was one of your credit card bills and you are massively in debt.

Yeah, that's rude.

But it's all for the same shop.

Yeah, we thought maybe we could help you. What was the shop? Cakes, cakes, cakes.

Cakes, cakes, cakes. It's called Cake It Till You Make It?

Yeah, I had to go to a different shop because one of them cut me off from buying the cakes. In traffic? You don't! You don't dislike German chocolate?

No, we gotta admit to something. We've been playing a little prank on you.

Also, if we did, if we did, I mean, like we said, we'd take it to work. Take it away.

Didn't know about taking it to work.

Carl.

Wait, have you been... Huh? Have you been buying these cakes?

Honey, I was just telling Carl about the little prank we've been playing on him for a year. Do you want to think we should come clean about the plan? You've been playing a prank on me?

Yeah. All right.

All right. Oh, here it comes. We're going to tell you. We kidnapped your son. He's not missing. We kidnapped him and he's happily living in our attic.

Yeah, we adopted him. He asked us. My Isaac? My Isaac's living with you now?

Deep cut. That's a deep cut. That's a Patreon cut.

Okay, I'm going to go home now and... Have you been sending us these cakes? Eat my dad.

That's a great voice, Japes. I can't believe I ate my whole dad.

Japes, I love that voice.

Japes. Thanks, Eek the Cut.

I messed up. I want another nickname, please.

Here we go. And Erin, I run so far away. I need to dance.

This is an audio thing.

This riddle is called Forgot to Stop. Angus was driving along a road at about 30 miles per hour. Suddenly he jumped out of his car. He had not applied the brakes and the car was still moving. He was not a stuntman for a movie or otherwise involved in a deliberately risky activity.

What happened? He just stopped man for a movie.

Could you read it again?

No, he was deliberately involved in Risky Day.

Yes, a story with holes and it's a story with lies. Angus was driving along a road at about 30 miles per hour. Suddenly he jumped out of his car. He had not applied the brakes and the car was still moving. He was not a stuntman for a movie or otherwise involved in a deliberately risky activity.

Oh, I know.

He's a cartoon. What happened?

He didn't see that there was an unfinished bridge in front of him, so he was trying to save his own life.

I've jumped out of a moving car before.

Why? Really?

When I was a senior in high school I was driving to school and I had an 86 Honda Accord and I was driving like 40 miles an hour and I went to brake for a stop sign and my car wouldn't brake like the brakes just went out and there's a car in front of me so I swerved into like a grassy area and I kept trying to hit the brakes it wouldn't work I put on the emergency brake which is probably a bad thing to do it didn't work as well so I aimed my car at a telephone pole and jumped out and the back end almost ran over me and then the car hit the telephone pole and then I walked to school and I arrived at school and was like almost in tears and they're like just go home what had happened my it was just like the break I just didn't replace the brake pads so they just went out so it was the most terrifying thing in my life but why did you aim it at a telephone pole Because otherwise it would like have gone into a house. Oh, okay. But I had the wherewithal. How fast was it going? By the time it hit the grass, it was probably going 25 miles an hour maybe. But I jumped out, so it hit the telephone pole and didn't go into like a house because I didn't know what else to do. If I was smart enough, I would have turned it in circles and ran it out. But I was a 17-year-old or whatever, so I jumped out. And again, the back tires almost ran over me.

That's wild.

Yeah, pretty bad.

I remember I was driving back from Chicago with my friend Meg and we were driving back from Chicago to Indiana and we're going through like northern Indiana and we had we were off the highway on like county roads and a county road turned from road to gravel road and I was in my 94 Corolla and as soon as it hit the gravel it just started spinning and we like fish tailing or spinning it like donuts Yeah, and so we it was just it was just cornfield on one side with fully grown corn and then cornfield on another side with like the just the you know the like top six inches of corn that had already been like shucked or corndicked. Yeah, corndicked and so we miraculously got it and spun out into that cornfield and then the cornfield had a ditch to it so we couldn't get back up and then like we were just like I don't know what the fuck to do we were both like super scared and eventually like a farmer who lived on that thing with his truck was like Hey, you're in my cornfield. And we're like, yeah, how do we get out? And he's like, you gotta drive through the cornfield. And we're like, OK, like this way? And he's like, drive through the cornfield. And he was like, helpful, but kind of a dick. And then we drove through his cornfield.

That's crazy.

Yeah. I feel like that was a ruse to make out with your friend. Like, oh, my car's out of control. We're in this cornfield. My shirt flew off. She's like, this isn't romantic.

What do you think romance is? Should we be done? Can we have a hint? Erin said, are we done, but we haven't solved the riddle.

The riddle is done in that I'm done reading it.

The riddle is done in that I'm done reading it. The riddle is done in that I'm done reading it. The riddle is done in that I'm done reading it.

The riddle is done in that I'm done reading it.

The riddle is done in that I'm done reading it.

The riddle is done in that I'm done reading it. The riddle is done in that I'm done reading it.

The riddle is done in that I'm done reading it. The riddle is done in that I'm done reading it. The riddle is done in that I'm done reading it. The riddle is done in that I'm done reading it.

The riddle is done in that I'm done reading it.

The riddle is done in that I'm done reading it. The riddle is done in that I'm done reading it. The riddle is done in that I'm done reading it. Did more than two minutes pass between when Angus jumped out of the car and when he reached the ground?

Yes. More than two minutes pass from when he jumped out of the car and when he reached the ground. He's being towed. He's being towed on a bridge. I don't know. He's being towed to space.

So, Erin was like spot on with... Is he the driver for Truckzilla? The bridge thing, the unfinished bridge.

So he jumped out of his car, landed in the ocean. He was on the Golden Gate Bridge. Cool. No. I guess that's not a two minute fall.

It's an unfinished Golden Gate Bridge. So the answer is, which I think Erin, I think we'll give this to you. The car ran off a bridge and fell into a lake. Angus jumped out just as the car hit the surface. Would that help? Aaron jumped out. He jumped out of the car right as it hit the surface of the lake.

That's my reoccurring nightmare. I only have one reoccurring nightmare in my life and it's me and my mom in a car and we go off a bridge.

Wow. One of my favorite... Oh boy. What's one of your favorite reoccurring nightmares?

Oh boy.

Of mine. My dick's so big in my dreams. Who's the guy... Fuck. I can't remember his name. This is going to be a terrible story. Okay. I met him. He opened for Weird Al in Chicago. Dr. Demento. He's a comedian with weird hair.

Dr. Demento.

He was in UHF. He has one of my favorite jokes. Maybe my favorite joke of all time. And the joke is I went on a date with a woman and she got mad at me for not holding open the door. I went on a date with a woman. She got mad at me for not opening the door. I swam to the surface. This is very fun. It's better when he tells it. It's Emo Phillips. Emo Phillips, yes. I met him backstage and I asked for a picture and I took it and he made me show it to him. And after I showed it to him, he goes, delete that. And then he made me take like 10 more and he chose the best one and deleted the rest.

Whoa!

I think it's like a, I don't know if it's like a bit or a vanity thing. It's funny either way. Hey, who, real quick, I want to do something different, mix it up a little bit. Who is the love interest in Grease? Danny. Wait, which, Grease two? No, the first Grease.

The car and the boys. Well, there's like the main... The love story between the car and the boys.

You think there's a love story between Grease Lightning and the boys? Yeah, all the boys wanted to do that car. It's a real pussy language. No, Sandy. Sandy, that's right. Sandy, if you shorten that... Sander what? Yes, we have a new sandbox. Oh, yes. Soon. Hi guys. How's it going, Sandy? Oh, Cookie Man. How you doing? Good, how are you? Congrats on all the success with your Patreon, that's great.

Well, thank you Sandy, but we don't actually bring that up.

We don't like to bring up the Patreon because then we get new people and then we feel like we have to appease them. Right now it's a secret society.

Please don't talk about patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle where for only five dollars a month you can join the Clue crew.

Yeah and the fact that we give, you know, every Friday we have a brand new episode of bonus content that just seems insane. We don't want to talk about it.

What's something that we don't enjoy talking about? And thank you for the nice words that you said about it. Yeah, you're welcome.

And when can we expect your Patronet? You're asking me to set up a Patreon? Dang! Isn't this enough puzzles for you? Set up a Patreon in order to afford our Patreon. I heard your AMA, which was fun. Awesome. I heard Erin talk about, you guys talked about your dream guests. And you said you wanted someone who like built a escape room. I got good news for you.

Oh my god. What I wanted was right in front of my face the whole time.

It makes sense that Erin mentioned something that already happened as her dream because she has her eyes closed for most of the podcast.

Who am I?

Did you know that the character Jigsaw was based on Sandy?

Yeah, that makes sense. Sandy's pretty sinister.

Jigsaw from Grease. Sandy from Jigsaw is like a Hallmark.

You are enough and we don't need any other guests.

Speaking of you being enough, we hope that you brought us some nice little puzzies and things to play around with in your sandbox today.

When you put it that way, I don't know. But yes, I do have some puzzles for you. The idea with today's game is I'm going to give you three items. It's like a MacGyver situation. No. He's got a big bag of items. Maybe three things. And those things are going to be the fourth, third, and second things in a canonical list. And you have to give me the first. So for example, if I said Curly Lambeau, Tom Landry, George Halas, you'd have to say, The A-Team. Don Shula, because those are the winningest NFL coaches, and that is the most sportsy I'm going to get out of this. And this was made, this was tailor made for Erin? This is the most... Those were just sounds to me. That's why I use it as the example. I was like, which one of these should I spoil? Oh, I know. The football one. Also, yeah, so does that make sense? You have to figure out what the list is and then give me number one on the list. I guarantee you you've heard of every single number one on the list. Some of the lower ones you may not have heard of and it's part of the puzzle to figure out.

So Sandy, you've been on the show what seven, eight, nine times now and you've run out of puzzles for idiots and now you're giving us the real puzzles for smart people and we're going to fail. You'll be great.

Okay, here we go. Seinfeld is number four. The fugitive, the TV show from the 60s, is number three. Cheers is number two. Mash. Mash is right. Most watched. Most watched fanallies of all time.

I got that one. You got it too, but I really didn't get it. I just wanted to point that out.

Congrats.

Thank you.

Erin, and I just want to say thank you so much. Adal Rifai! I really can't stay. I just want to say thank you. Baby, it's cold outside. Baby, it's cold outside.

I can't stay either, but I just wanted to say... Cookie Monster!

Cookie Monster!

Yay!

What's the deal with these delicious cookies? Adal had this look of pain when we made a cookie monster.

Erin, can I see a quick scene? This will be 10 to 20 seconds. Can I see a quick scene of when you got that right after your fear of hearing the the winningest NFL coaches? After you got that one right, what in your brain, what was the celebration like? Let's just hear that.

I'm hungry, and I'm tired, but I'm always tired. Oh, they're talking to me.

Oh man, I'm going to get, you're going to get letters about that NFO one. I think it's wrong. That's why you said it as a, no, I had to look at, wait, hold on. Oh, cause I wrote it. I wrote that example years before. I'm sure that Bill Belichick is up there. Yeah. So it's Landry Belichick, Alice and Sheila. Sorry everyone. It's been corrected. Are you live tweeting this? Did someone correct you? All right, here we go. Number four, Charlotte. Number three, George. Number two, William. Number one, Charlotte. Charlotte William George. Charlotte is four, George is three, William is two.

These are royalty.

So what's number one? Kate Milton. What's the list? The spouses of children?

It's the ranking of the throne, so it's William's dad was his name, Charles.

Charles, the British line of succession.

It's interesting that I already got that one too.

I want Charles in charge of England.

Okay, here we go. Hindi is number four. English number three. Spanish number two.

What's the number one language?

English. Arabic. Not Arabic.

Chinese. It's Mandarin Chinese. Damn it. Most spoken language. So crazy.

I bet Eric got three in a row.

Let's keep it going. Madonna. Michael Jackson. Elvis Presley. Mariah Carey. What do you think the list is? It's the most number one singles on the Billboard 100 or something. Mariah and Father. Adel. Adel. Is it Grammys?

Could you read them again? Sorry.

Madonna. Michael Jackson. Elvis Presley. It's solo artists who've had the... Madonna, Elvis Presley, and Celine Dion. Who's the other one? We don't know the other one. Sorry, it was Madonna, Elton John. No. Michael Jackson, Madonna. Elvis Presley.

Elvis Presley. Is this record sales?

Yeah, it's best selling.

Best selling. Beatles.

Oh, Eagles. There you go. Oh, Beatles? Yep. So, you said Eagles and you said Beatles. Well, for a while, the Eagles greatest hits was like the number one selling album of all time. More so than the Beatles. This is total. This is total of all time. I got all the praise. DFW, ORD. L.A.X. Bizzies Airport, Atlanta, whatever it is. ATL? ATL is right.

I didn't quite get that one.

Alright, here's the sports one, I'm sorry. Okay. Alex Rodriguez, Babe Ruth, Hank Aaron, Mark McGuire, Sammy Sosa. Biggest hitters? Biggest Mark McGuire, Barry Bonds. Barry Bonds? Okay, most hormones. Oh, I thought it was biggest drugs. Biggest drugs. Sorry. Here we go. Ava, Emma, Bess Maria's. So what's number one? Maria Carey.

Maria from South America.

Maria CVS. Maria CVS.

Oh, you're right.

Yes, I ruined it. Ava, Emma, Olivia.

It's number one girl's name last year.

What is it? Emily, Erin.

Ava.

Sarah.

No. Daenerys. God, everyone's talking so much. Muhammad. In my brain. Number one girl's name in the world, Muhammad.

Ava, Emma, Olivia. Beyonce. Sophia. You got it. Wow.

I cannot believe how good I am at this. Can you believe I got it?

Okay, okay, Erin. How many children named Sophia do you know?

Like, 11. Yeah.

It's been on the number one for a while. Let's do boys. Aiden, Noah, Liam, Hunter, Noah, Gallagher, Coleman, Chase, Jackson, Chef Ron, Jackson. I'm trying to think of the shittiest boys names.

I know a lot of Jacksons.

Anybody who's named Jackson, I'm so sorry. My name's Adal. What do I know? I'm a fucking idiot. Luzon, Philippines. Ways to pronounce lasagna. Oh. Great Britain. Honshu, Japan.

Biggest tea drinking places.

Luzon, Philippines is number four. Great Britain's number three. Honshu, Japan is number two.

Is this an Olympics thing?

Nope. What are all those things? Funniest... Cities?

People like places where things happen.

Ooh, Erin.

Five for five. Five for Friday.

No, no.

Good thing happening.

Alright, say the list again. Luzon, Philippines. Great Britain, Honshu, Japan. Great Britain is the key to unlocking this. Islands? It's islands, yes. And what would the list be? These are biggest islands? Australia? It's not biggest. Australia would be. I don't even know the number of islands. No, like Indonesia would be number one. It is an island in Indonesia, but it's not Micronesia. It's not the most. Those are all individual islands. So we're looking for an island in Indonesia.

An island that has more than one country on it?

No. It is the most. It is the superlative. So it is the most blank islands.

Rainy.

No. Gila would be known. That's the city. Colonies, no. It's the most populous. It's the most populous island. It'd be like Jakarta? Jakarta's the city. The name of the big island is...

Oh, Oahu.

It's Java. Java! Java. So I was pretty close with T. I work with Python and C++, so I don't know. Alright, this one is going to sound really... Adal, I like that joke. Too late, too late. I need laughs or nothing. Oh, I didn't give you a laugh. I know, that sounds like- This is gonna sound really obscure and I'm sure you know nothing- None of these three, but the last one you know, for sure. Got it. Metaphor, the Tree of Utah. Met- Wait, sorry repeat that? It's called Metaphor, the Tree of Utah. Okay. Our Lady of the Rockies is number three. Pegasus and Dragon is number two. Okay, and we should say that Sandy just took a big hit of peyote right before reading this. He just took a big hit of peyote.

Could you read them again?

Metaphor, The Tree of Utah, Our Lady of the Rockies, Pegasus and Dragon, and number one is well known by literally everyone in America. Oh, eek the cat. Are these carvings? You're very close. Not much more. Not much more. No, they're not carvings. They're very close. Statues. Yes. Statue of Liberty. Statue of Liberty. Statue of Liberty. Now, these are the tallest statues in the United States. What I want to know is, I want to see a quick scene. Erin, you're going to be the Statue of Liberty. Finally. GPC, I want you to be a Jolly Green Giant. Just because, why didn't they ever hook up? So let's see a first date. Got it. Just a one minute scene, first date, Statue of Liberty, and Jolly Green Giant.

I think we're ready to order. We'll have the broccoli and the peas. And we'll have some of the spinach. Ma'am, did you have a question?

Can I have some ice? I've been holding my hand up for very, very long time.

Can the lady have some ice? Yeah, I'll grab some ice. We don't allow fire in here. This is a closed... Do you know who I am? I want to say Rushmore?

See?

All right, next one. Yes. Sandy, scale of one to ten. Did you enjoy that?

Let us move on. Let us.

Let us move on. Chancellorsville, Spotsylvania, Chickamauga. Again, number one is something that you definitely know. Pennsylvania. Lake Okeechobee. Chancellorsville, Spotsylvania, Chickamauga. Is that history? Oh, uh, the largest railroad disasters. The four places Napoleon died. The four most Napoleon-ish deaths. These are all battles. Yes. Battles in what war? The greatest war.

Star Wars. This is a civil war. Star Wars. Appomattox Creek. Appomattox courthouse.

So they're civil war battles ranked by? Gettysburg. Death. A number of deaths. A number of ghosts by deaths.

Spookyville, Ohio. One million ghost deaths.

Spookyville, Ohio.

This one's timely. Spendabuck is number four. Northern Dancer is number three. Monarcos. These are all Kentucky... Seabiscuit winners. Horse Biscuit. What is the list? Excuse me, Erin, what was the last one? Of course you are. You think there's a horse called Horsey Horse? I don't think there's a horse called Horsey Horse. I don't think there's a horse called Horsey Horse. Of course. These are the most winning horses? No, the biggest winner for odds. They said odds? No. No. Best personality. Oh, shittiest horses. Worst personalities of horses. What's the number?

These are jockey names.

Seabiscuit. No, what's the most famous Kentucky Derby winner? Mr. Ed. Seabiscuit. It's not Seabiscuit. It's pretty famous, but I don't think he... Budget Spice. And the Kentucky Derby. I don't know. Oh, I know the name, but I can't think of the name. It's the world's fastest. These are the fastest conducting derby winners. And the fastestest one of all time. Old bucket of nickels. I know, but I forget. Give me the first letter.

Old bucket of nickels. Old bucket of nickels is the fastest horse.

Sagittarius. Sagittarius. Oh, this is for... Stegosaurus Jones.

Oh, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. This is a character who is on Bojack Horseman.

Probably. Oh, yes. Fuck, what is the name?

It's a Maggie Gyllenhaal movie mostly. It is on BoJack Horseman. I did watch all of that show.

Yeah, it's Secretariat.

Okay, so you should go to YouTube right now and look up Maggie Dillon Hall and Peter Skarsgard's home tour on Architectural Digest. It might be the hardest of laughed in my life because Peter Skarsgard drops his cat in the middle of the house tour, just fully drops it for no reason. It's the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. It's so jarring.

Does it land on its feet?

Yeah, but like you don't even see it. He just is like, and this is a cat and you should rescue cats. And then he just drops it. It's amazing.

Um, I like how when I said Maggie Gyllon, you screamed out Sagittarius.

She is. Sagittarius.

Uh, one more? One more. Here we go. Sandy is number four. Okay. Maria, number three. Harvey, number two. These are Christopher Columbus's ships. Best movies involving imaginary rabbits. These are best characters in Greece. Sandy's number four, I'm sorry. Oh, Harvey! Remember Harvey? Sandy?

Maria. Harvey. Harvey. These are musicals, stars of musicals.

No, Sandy Diocana. Sandy Harvey, Maria. These are bad guys and movies. These are attached to, can be attached to years. Sandy I think was 2012. Maria was 20. Harkanes. Katrina. Katrina. Wow. Hell yeah. Great one to end on. Sandy, I think this is my favorite type of puzzle.

Thank you. This is really fun. This reminds me a little bit of Only Connect.

Yeah, yeah, yeah for sure. Sandy, do you have anything that you would like to plug?

For sure. You should go follow me on Twitter, just PZLR. Okay. Just sort of like puzzler, but like most of the letters.

Yeah, just some vowels are missing.

Vowels and another Z. It's really a mess. But anyway, it's PZLR, so there's only four letters to remember. And then the Escape Room immersive theater experience that I made in Chicago a few years ago with the House Theater, which is called The Last Defender. Which is phenomenal. Oh, thank you. Is opening in Denver at the Denver Center for the Performing Arts. Also the cool thing about that room is it's the one I see the room where you can go back because it's such a wide scope. You play 20 people. You can play multiple times and not do the same puzzle. Yeah there's no way that one person would be able to see the whole thing in one go the way the game's designed and so yeah maybe three times at least to see it all. So that's opening at the end of May at the Denver Center for Performing Arts and you can get tickets now it's great. Sandy, I have a puzzle for you. Fill in the blank. Here's the list. Here's the list. Four, three, two. What do we think the last one is? Chomp Chomp. It's Chomp Chomp. It was a number of seconds before we say goodbye. The last one is Chomp Chomp. Thank you so much, Sandy. Bye, Sandy. Bye. Well, nightmare over.

Yeah, nightmare averted. Thanks, Sandy. We'll see you in our dreams. Yeah, that's a good way to say that. Hey, and while we're saying shit, let's say some stuff that we want to plug. Adal, do you have something that you would like to plug?

Yeah, you can check out Hello from the Magic Tavern is back for season 3 so check that out. You can also check out our patreon which is www.patreon.law.law.gofuckyourself.law. It's five dollars a month for new content every single Friday. Some of our favorite things we've ever done are on patreon so if you're not checking that out, oh you're gonna want to, please do. Japes anything to plug?

We got merch in the store. Go to Tea Public. Check out all of our Hey Riddle Riddle merch.

We have a new Dead Stop shirt.

Yeah, that Dead Stop shirt is fire. You can follow me on Twitter at JPsofly, on Instagram at sharkbarkman. Erin, you got anything to play? Coral Keif, you have anything?

Follow me, erinkeef10, on Instagram, because some fun stuff's gonna be coming up for Amazon. Just maybe follow me, erinkeef10, on Instagram. It's a private account, but that's just to, just follow me anyway.

And Erin, you have a reoccurring nightmare, correct? Where you are stuck on a podcast called Hey Riddle Riddle.

Boom! Gotcha, Jupiter!

Bye forever.

This has been Hey Riddle Riddle, created by Adal Rifai, starring Erin Keif and John Patrick Coan. H.E. Snyder is in the editing. That was a hate gun podcast.