Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

No shit. Oh Sherlock. It's Hey Riddle Riddle. Hollywood night.

Hollywood night.

I'm Hollywood Adal Rifai. I'm Burbank, JPC.

I'm Beverly Hills, Erin. Oh wait, I got Burbank?

Oh, Culver City. I don't know all the areas. What's like the shitty part of town? I don't know. I'm Silver. Mars, what's the worst part of LA?

Smart. Diplomatic. Diplomatic. She said Anaheim.

You have to live here. But welcome to another episode that we are recording in Los Angeles town, USA. How's everybody doing?

So I'm great.

Still tall.

Still taller than average. But before we bring in our wonderful guest, Erin, can you, as we got here to the Headgum Studios, you told me a little story about you rented a car last night. Can you tell the audience what happened when you rented that car?

Okay, so it took me like 40 minutes to get from the airport to the rental car place. And then I was last in line there. And so by the time I worked everything out, it was like 1.30 LA time, but I live in Chicago. So it was like 3.30 Chicago time. And I was like, you know what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to get a hotel and you're not supposed to drive because it's too unsafe. And I drove anyway, and I just screamed at myself the whole way being like, stay awake! I kept slapping myself in the face and biting my lips.

And you screamed to yourself if you die, you deserved it.

Yeah, I did. I was like, you know better than this. You know better than this. This is unsafe.

But I made it. That's what I whispered to the guy on the flight right next to me before we took off. If you die, you deserve it. If you die, you deserve it. He seemed nervous.

And it was a four-year-old boy and he was like, what? Took off his headphones watching Paw Patrol.

What?

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Nothing. Nothing.

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. We're thrilled to announce we have a friend of the show. Well, he's my friend. He doesn't know you two.

No, the show's a friend of his. The show's a friend of his. Friend of the show is fun to say.

He's a listener. You might know him as one of the creators of Welcome to Nightfell within the wires. Start with this. Podcast Mastermind. What was that? Let's scale it back. Pump the brakes, Jeffrey.

No, I think he was saying his next podcast is called Podcast Tycoon.

Oh, and he is wearing Kleenex Foxes on his feet. On an old PC.

What if there's a game called Podcast Tycoon where you made your own podcast?

That would be great. It's RollerCoaster Tycoon except it's a small room and you just keep injecting white people into the room and plugging in different combinations of beards.

Well speaking of bearded white people, Jeffrey Cranor. Thank you so much for being on the show.

Oh my god, it's great to be here. Thank you. What brings you to LA? I was escaping upstate New York wintertime. My favorite Kurt Russell movie. Yeah, so much. We gotta use the president's daughter back. Yeah, my wife and I both work from home and we were, my writing partner Joseph Fink and his wife came out here last year for For a couple of months and we're like, oh, I didn't know you could do that. So we had a little Airbnb and came out here for two months. We're here through this weekend.

Jeffrey, I'm sorry. I hate to interrupt you, but you said my wife and Adal showed remarkable restraint and not doing a Borat voice. And Adal, I don't want you to put on airs just because we have a special guest here in the studio. I think it behooves the show.

Take off your top hat and that silly monocle and get real again.

When I sleep, it's like...

What's the, what is, because it's May right now at time of recording.

Why don't you look at your watch?

You said that even earlier, you said, when you look at months. When I look, like reference months, I look at my watch for whatever reason. But whenever this comes out, like, you know, June or space or whatever, it's May right now. What is the weather that you're escaping from in Upstate New York or now?

Right now it's actually, I think, warmer than it is here. So that's exciting.

What's the worst area of upstate New York?

Utica. I've never been there. Salt Lake City. I understand. You know, you guys are in Chicago, like the winters are brutal, they're tough, but I feel like the hard part is not like the zero degree day, although Chicago had a really bad one this year. But it's, or the snow, it's the, from like January 15th until about April 30th, it is just 30 degrees every single day in overcast, and it's really that. It's the grayness of all.

for Chicago it's like the mental terrorism of it where it's like we we dipped in the spring and then like two weeks ago or a week and a half ago we had snow again and it's like no it's spring it's like April 24th or something why is it snowing yeah so it's almost like your body your brain is tricked into being like relief and then it snows again you're like this is

Here's my pitch.

I can't take it anymore?

Here's your pitch. We take Christmas and New Year's and we just move them back two months. So we celebrate Christmas.

I've heard you say this three times.

Christmas in February, New Year's like is the end of February. That way we have like... When is Labor Day? What's that?

When is Labor Day?

No more labor. Arbor Day? Every day is Arbor Day. We got to save the planet in global warming.

Yeah, Christmas makes winter feel less scary. So if the Christmas season was like three months, maybe it would be okay.

Because by the time Christmas is done, you're like, okay, I'm done with winter. It's December. Like, December is just over.

And can Jewish people still have Hanukkah?

Jewish people can do whatever they want.

I'm not here to tell Jewish people what to do anymore. Fool me once. Again, we did put out that statement. We do apologize to all of our listeners, and JBC will not be telling the Jewish people what to do anymore. We've heard your calls.

Good advice, bad advice. He won't tell you anything.

I thought I could Moses you. I did a little desert for 40 years thing. I really apologize. And Jeffrey is walking out the door. Thank you so much for stopping by. We apologize. Jeffrey, what is your, I feel like, I know we've done sleep no more together. Have we done escape rooms together? We haven't done an escape room before. What is your, do you like escape rooms? What is your relationship with puzzles and riddles? Oh, and I know you're a big crossword guy, so definitely talk about that.

Oh, speaking of crossroads, I just, one of the things I did two things when I, when we were in LA, I was like, I want to take up a new hobby. And one thing is I took a pottery class, which is very exciting. I made some really shitty bowls, which you'll be very happy to know. Yeah. And I've also- That's an intro pottery class. Yep.

Well, that's also what I forget. He's going to make a joke about the coach of the bowls, but I forgot his name.

Oh, Popovich. Popovich. That's the Popovich that spurs.

It's like Adal at a bowling alley. That's exactly right. I've been teaching myself crossword puzzle designs. I've been making crossword puzzles and I just sent a bunch to the New York Times. We'll see if they will. So that's really fun. Congratulations. Thank you.

What was the most surprising thing about learning the trick to this?

Oh, it's really hard. It's amazing how much you get trapped in a corner, right? You get up there and you're like, these are all common letters. I can do four by four by four and down and across. And then I could sit there for an hour and just work on basically like 16 squares. And I'm sure people who have been doing this for a while are masters at it and they can crank them out in a couple of hours. Yeah, that's been the real hard part of just the Madden. But it is sort of like solving a puzzle, right? In and of itself, like making the puzzle is solving the puzzle. And then you do the thing where you're like, four letters and they begin and end with an A and you're sort of trapped in that and you're like, oh no, I have to put Alan Alda.

I just referenced that that most crossword puzzles have Alan Alda as an answer because of the four letter A words.

You know what I've also realized is like Arya Stark. There goes a lot of crossword puzzles as well. I should put Arya in there. Yeah, it's pop culture now.

It's topical. But then you have the why and then that sucks.

Can I ask you a question? Because I love crosswords. I have the New York Times crossword app on my phone, so I try to do the crossword every day. And I see that like certain crosswords are like by this person, by this person, by this person. What is the process for... Can you just send the New York Times crosswords and be like, please use my crossword?

Yeah, they have a page on there that you can go to that'll tell you just sort of like the parameters. Like it has to have a minimum or a maximum number of clues. Like you can't just have a whole grid full of like three letter words because you end up having like a hundred clues on there or something. Like a minimum and maximum number of clues.

I was just hoping that there would be like 40, 40 like words that are in your puzzle that you just didn't write clues for. I mean, hopefully people figure it out. They got all the other clues. They got all the downs. Why do they need a cross? That would be a maddening. Like to do a crossword then get to the across. Like if you start down and then well actually you start across and then get down and then there's just no clues.

Fuck. That's also how you dance, right? You start across and then you get down.

If you're at a wedding.

That's also how I go to church. And you just send it to them. They have a thing of like formatted exactly like this and send it in and there's there's a you can get you can download programs that will format it for you. That's cool. It's pretty easy.

How do I get my New Yorker captions submitted?

Because I have some real funny... I got a bunch of library books. How do I get these motherfuckers back?

What I do is any New Yorker cartoon I see, I just caption it with applesauce? And I have not been published yet.

When I was in high school, I submitted captions constantly. And then I also tried to get on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me every weekend. And I was like, I will be a successful high school student if I can get one of these things through and nothing everyone through.

So you weren't successful?

Yeah, and I didn't have sex in high school either, so thanks so much for asking about that.

I would write a letter to Santa Claus in high school every day. Ask you for sex?

Telling me he's a fucking loser.

Fuck me for Christmas same time. Alright, come on, this podcast is for kids, exclusively for kids, so let's call it that.

And Jeffrey, is your streak still going?

I had a streak last year. Blue hair? Blue hair. I was naked in the streak. I had a streak going. You're naked here at the podcast. I'm assuming it's still going well. It was like 215 in a row on the New York Times puzzle app. What does that do to your brain when you lose a streak like that because you just fucking forgot about it? I was really annoyed because I was going to try, I was going to try and do 365 days. I just thought that would be really cool. And I tweeted about it saying like, this is a bummer. It broke on a Monday. Somebody tweeted back saying like, my current streak is at, I think he said something like 1,437. He was like, I don't know what I would do if it broke. And I was like, I feel like you would feel a weight lifted off of you. You feel like you don't, you're not beholden to it anymore.

And you said that after that happened you got a Garfield tattoo? Just because you guys have a shared interest in hating Mondays. It's lasagna.

My apologies. We just both love lasagna. The Italian word for Monday is lasagna. I got a normal tattoo because I've never felt comfortable anywhere.

Erin got a next to normal tattoo because she's a big Broadway head.

And I'm confused all the time. I don't get it.

Jeffrey, I believe you came in with some, you crafted some puzzles for us.

I crafted a puzzle for you guys.

I love it. You kicked in the door and said, it's puzzle time motherfuckers. We were all doing a podcast with a different guest and we were like, what do we do?

What do we do? My favorite line from Die Hard.

Come to LA. We were recording with Reese Witherspoon and we said, get out of here Reese.

Little known facts, Alan Rickman didn't start solving puzzles until he was 44. Wow.

Oh, wow.

By the way, Erin, people are going to be like combing the feed for the Reese Witherspoon episode now.

Yeah, you're like, shoot, where is it? I guess I can believe that. It's a Patreon. She was not very funny.

But that's awesome. We very rarely do guests come with like bringing their own type of material. So we're very excited for that.

Well, I thought I'd give it a go. I've been under a lot of writing deadlines lately, so I've been using a lot of thesaurus online. And so I thought I'd play with a thesaurus game with you guys. Since we're in LA, I thought I would make a movie quiz for you all. And so I'm going to have you guys guess the name of these very popular, well-known films. I tried not to put anything super obscure in here. But I've replaced all the titles with synonyms for those titles. So for instance, I could say, here's something easy to start with, I could say, celebrity battles.

Okay, and I just want to say up top, I've only ever seen Ratatouille. I'm not sure if that's going to be a big issue. For me it's not. For me it's not because I know no better. So I'm going to go ahead and say Ratatouille.

Celebrity Battles. Something Wars.

Captain America Civil Wars. Star Wars. There you go. Star Wars.

Captain America Star Wars.

Star is Wars. A Star is Wars.

A Bug's Wars.

A Star Is Wars.

A Star Is Wars. Hold on. Immediately, Erin and Adal, I need to see a scene. So this is off the set of the movie A Star Is Wars.

You're going to be playing... You've got to really enunciate that last word, buddy.

A Star Is Wars. There you go. Thank you. Adal, you're going to be playing Bradley Cooper's character. Erin, you are going to play Lady Gaga's character. You are a emerging singer who Adal has discovered on the Death Star as the rebels are attacking the base.

Tell me something, why? Adal Rifai, do you need more? What?

Damn, can I tell you something?

Adal Rifai, you know what?

I'm good.

Now come back.

I just want to say that for Stormtrooper, you have the most beautiful voice.

Adal Rifai, Adal Rifai.

Excuse me, I don't mean to put in, but if you take your helmet off, we can hear the other game.

That, doing that scene was like playing Frogger where it's like looking for my opening and just getting run over by a truck. You were never gonna get an opening in that scene. I looked Erin dead in the eyes to try and make eye contact and figure out when my opening was and then she'd just launch into singing.

One of my favorite things about Erin is she loves, loves, loves music and apparently knows none of the words.

I don't, who knows the words to that song?

She feels the song, she doesn't memorize them. Jeffrey, let's get into these puzzies and riddies.

Oh, right. So let's... Yeah, man. Come on. Make with the riddies fast, fast, fast.

I'm going to start singing in three, two... All right.

Let's go with this one. Okay. Speedy people. Angry ones as well. Speedy people.

Fast. Too fast. Oh. Fast and furious. Fast and furious.

Fast and furious. Fast and furious.

Tokyo Drift. Awesome.

Too fast and furious. Go. Punching Society. Oh, Fight Club.

Congratulations, Erin.

You are the third to get it. I want to see a quick scene. JPC, you are a member of high society, and you have created this underground cult called Punching Society. It's very much like Fight Club, but it's for the wealthy only. So you're going to lay out, and the three of us, Jeffrey, Erin, and I are all new recruits, and you're going to lay out the rules for Punching Society.

Pardon me, pardon me. We'll all be able to get back to our caviar and long cigarettes and our champagne. Very soon, but I'd like to make an announcement. Welcome everyone to the first session of what I should be, a tumultuous number of affairs of punching society.

Are we having affairs?

Quite now, quite now.

I'd love to have an affair.

Well, wouldn't we all? I would love to cheat on my way.

As we all know.

That's your opening.

There are many rules in punching society, and I will go over the rules now. Rule number one, if you want to punch a member of punching society, you must write a letter to their lawyer first.

What if the person you want to punch is your lawyer? Oh yes, well that is a lawyer's conundrum, which brings to put your helmet back on.

You don't want to get punched. That brings us to rule number two. If the person you want to punch is a lawyer, you must ask one of their best friends from high school.

Can I put forward a quandary? Put forward, put forward. My younger brother here, Reginald, his arm is a bit atrophied. Reginald, you have a bit of trouble punching. I wish for Nietzsche. Oh dear boy, dear boy.

Excuse me, I just want to tear Reginald apart. Where? Just go for the weakest one.

By all means, but please, we'll compose it in a letter to his lawyer. You had a question. Like I was saying, my brother Reginald, in the dark, if you see a shadow, he looks like the drawstring is on sweatpants, which is to say that one is... What the fuck are sweatpants? Am I the only one who has no idea what you're talking about? The jig is up. I'm a poor.

Get out! Send the snakes after him!

Yes, and I push the button and the snakes come, and yes, there's wriggling all over you. Can't they dreamt of snakes?

We gotta return to that.

Yeah, you can tell that we all know what it's like to have money as well. Every one of us is doing just fine.

Anytime I visit a rich friend's house I'm like, where are your snakes?

Hey man, where are your snakes? Where are the snakes you dump on poor motherfuckers like me?

It's like one of those balloon things at like proms and elections, but it's just snakes.

Balloon drop?

Yeah, balloon drop. I don't know words.

Thank you so much.

Let's do another one. Let's do this one. Everything you need to know regarding the first woman. All About Eve. Awesome.

Wow, that's awesome.

That was very good. I know that also could have been All About Jackie Onassis, but I went with, I guess at the time she'd be Jackie Kennedy.

I don't know All About Eve. What is that?

All About Eve is about, I confused that one in Sunset Boulevard a lot.

I think they were nominated in the same year. I haven't seen All About Eve. I should have seen All About Eve, but I have not.

I feel like, is it about like a movie actress being phased out or something?

I want to see a scene. Adal, you are about to go up in front of two movie execs and you have a title, but you're panicking and you're just going to make up the plot of what you think All About Eve is going to be about.

Are Jeffrey another movie?

Yeah, you're the movie execs.

I gotta say it's such a pleasure to meet the... Oh, is this the MTV game show next?

No, I'm sorry. You're the next one, but traditionally you wait until I say next before you come up. That was a power move on my part.

Yeah, and I gotta say it's such an honor to meet the Warner Brothers. Can I get your first names? Wacko?

Dave. We call it Dot for short.

How is Dot short for Dave?

Alright, let's pitch me motherfucker and press me.

So I have this movie all about you. I love it. So it's called all about Eve, and I'm looking for investors. Hollywood's kind of like a shark tank, right? Sure.

Absolutely. If your pitch fails, you go in the shark tank. We have a little lever here that we press because we're rich, and it drops you into a pit of snakes, which then drops you into a pit of sharks.

Oh, I'd have to be sharks. I like your idea so far, so keep going. Thank you so much, Dave. Thank you. I'm looking for $50,000 of investment.

Gotcha. That's whack-o-many to me. I make that much money wackoing off.

And you're eating a lot of mole. So you might say that you're... Wacko mole.

You're a smart guy, you're a funny guy, you tough guy.

I was part of the Lampoon at Harvard.

I went to school in Boston. Well then there's no reason for us to continue this. You have a job for the next 50 years.

Oh, thank you so much.

Welcome to Hollywood.

Is that... Is that Diane Keaton?

Yes, we have Diane Keaton. We dropped her into the snake pit about a half an hour ago.

That's the last time I'll do that.

Big wink from Erin. I don't want to do that anymore. I love Wacko Dave, like Yakko Wacko Dave. Erin's like, please don't make me sing.

Oh my goodness gracious, I would hate if someone pimped me out to do that again. No, I can't.

Let's go with Mr. Weird Affection PhD.

Dr. Strangelove. It seems like Erin got that one.

Good job. But she's a big Benedict Cumberbatch fan. Famously in Dr. Strangelove. Mind Palace.

I do find him very sexy.

He rides that torpedo all the way to the ground. I have a question and nobody probably knows this. Slim Pickens is the guy who writes the bomb down. Is that that guy's real name? Or was that his character name? Was that like a stage name he gave himself?

I believe it was a singer. Slim Pickens? Yeah, that was at least a stage name. I don't know if that's his real name.

Are you positing that a baby was born and they named that baby Slim Pickens? I don't know. Yeah, I must. I mean, it's got to be a stage name.

Stranger things have happened.

Yeah, we all watch Stranger Things season one, Adal. You don't have to keep reminding us that it happened.

I want to see a short scene, Jeffrey and JPC.

Okay.

You just had a baby and... It's a boy. You're spitballing names and you just can't quite settle on one. I really like Wacko.

Yeah, I don't want to take the baby after your grandpa.

He was a powerful movie executive. He greenlit all about Eve.

I understand that but also there's the rumors that he was a former Nazi. And so I just I want to get away from that and also like I kind of want to pick a name that's like more gender neutral than Wacko. Dave. I love that too. You know, Dave is on the table.

Folks, I'm so sorry. Congratulations again. I do need to let you know that here at the hospital we do have a shot clock, so you have 24 seconds left. 24 seconds left. To name the baby or else... Can I get a timeout? You have two timeouts. But know that during a time out, Erin will sing. That's our nurse caretaker, Erin. So you have 24 seconds to name that baby.

I was almost on Broadway and then I fell down the stairs. I'll take a time in.

I'll take a time in. I'll take a time in. Time in is fine. What about something gender neutral like printer paper or website?

I really like website a lot.

I love website. I love website. Okay. I had a college professor named Dr. Website. Dr. Website got me through most of college. Okay. Excuse me, sir. I know that you're just the Colonel Sanders. What did you look like? Yes. Dr. Colonel Sanders. Dr. Colonel Sanders. Dr. Colonel, do you have a first name?

Yes, MD. Hey, what does that stand for? Uh, most delicious.

Marilyn.

What's up? Bye mommy! I love I say that what M.D. stands for and then Erin says Marilyn.

I just couldn't think in my head. I was like, isn't that a state? And then I remembered.

Yeah, the state of Maryland. Remember that famous actress Marilyn Monroe?

Marilyn Monroe. Not as sexy.

Sound like it hot.

I would love it if Marilyn's like put out their new spokesperson, which was Marilyn Monroe. And it's just the shape of the state in a dress.

It's a bowl of clam chowder on a bench.

Erin almost fell over. Erin almost fell over because she was imagining a dress blowing up for Marilyn.

That's so funny. I'm not crazy. You're all crazy. That was so funny.

Someone draw it. Jeffrey, a big part of this podcast is us convincing ourselves that we're not completely insane. And that we're funny.

Somebody draw at whatever state they think would look the sexiest in a Marilyn Monroe shirt.

Oh, Florida.

Florida.

Big droopy dick.

No.

That's my favorite Looney Toon. Going down. Oh, droopy dick.

All right, let's think.

Idaho? Idaho's got, yeah, a slender neck. We look good in the high neck.

I feel like Nevada has a nice V-line. Oh, nice. Nevada, Nevada. Nevada, Nevada.

Idaho wants to fuck Nevada.

Vermont.

Vermont.

Oh, Vermont. Kentucky kind of laying down, doing like that.

I didn't think I'm from a horizontal state.

That actually looks like West Virginia. Or like Massachusetts, like with a little Cape Cod.

With a little Cape Cod.

Wearing it as a hat. Maybe a little more little Cape Cod.

What do you think the most fuckable state is?

What's that state that has that big sinkhole? The Grand Canyon?

Mars, what's the most fuckable part of LA? Santa Monica.

Okay, good answer. Good answer.

Let's see Santa Monica on the board. My favorite friend spinoff.

Remember Santa and Monica at the mall?

Where she gets canonized? It read concurrent with Joey. They both made it four episodes and they were canceled.

Oh I'd love to watch Santa Monica.

Honestly that like Courtney Cox at this stage in her career could do Santa Monica. Just you know an alt history version of the way that friends went. I would like to see that.

I think it'd be a hit.

So Courtney Cox, we know you're eliciting.

We know you're tied to a chair being tortured by this vodka.

All right, I'll give you guys another one. Yes, please. We deserve it. We're very good boys and girls. Let's go with this one. Baby Sheep Quietude. Baby Sheep Quietude.

Lamb. You? You?

Me.

Me and Dupree.

What's the last word?

And quietude? The silence of the lambs. There you go. Nice one. And Erin you got it exactly after me.

But I did say lambs before you said lambs.

That's true, I never said lambs.

Did you say lambs?

Check the tape. No.

You're the only one that said lambs. I want to see the briefest. This is going to be the briefest commercial. Erin and Jeffrey, you two are farmers. You are making a public commercial for your farm, which advertises the quietest lambs for sale. So it's just a quick commercial.

Do you have lambs that just won't shut up? Lambs are all talk, talk, talk and telling you about their day in real time.

Well we have lambs here. We've put gags over their mouths.

This is my husband and he loves when things are quiet and the lambs are taken after him.

Honey tell him how expensive these quiet ass lambs are.

I feel like the next hit podcast is ASMR Animals.

I'm gonna tap my nails on this phone here in just a second. Emus can stick seven inches of their head into the ground at any time. That's not right. At any time? Yeah, at any time. Any ground. Only in the morning. Don't talk to me until I've had my ground. Jesus Christ. It's a bad show. If you listen to it, it's a bad show. Late evening. Before sunset. After midnight. After midnight. Midnight in Paris. Before evening. Late evening. After... Night court.

It's late evening, right?

Late evening. Oh, late evening. Dust. From dusk, hold on. From dusk. What'd you say?

Twilight. Oh, I gotta see a sand. Okay, Adal, you are a very handsome teenage vampire.

But give me a scene.

Adal, do you feel seen? I feel seen. You're a very handsome teenage vampire, and you're walking into a new high school to start afresh, and your two kids, you're not buying it. You're seeing through this.

Gotcha, gotcha.

Hello there, fellow students. My name is Corey. Corey Blood. Your name's Corey Blood? My name is Corey Blood. Don't mind my fidget spinner. Water bottle flip dab.

You're a new student here, correct?

I'm sorry?

You're a new student here?

I'm a new student and you're getting to know me.

Yeah, that's what we're doing. We're talking right now. Good, good. Why are you so sparkly?

Oh, I felt like I should dress up for the first day of school and I bought some Beth and Body Works Lushin.

Okay, can we be honest with you? We see through this act.

I'm sorry?

We see through this act. What act are you talking about? This is a werewolf school. Oh, shit. Yeah, Harry and I are both werewolves.

Your name is Harry and you're all werewolf? A little on the nose coming from Corey Blood.

Yeah, don't throw stones if you live in a glass house, asshole. This is a glass house and the sunlight is coming in right now. Oh shit.

Yeah, but sunlight doesn't kill you, correct? No, it just like makes you spark. Makes me horny. That explains the sparkles. This is a werewolf school, so we're always horny. What's your name?

My name is... Why are you looking through notes?

My name is tooth hair shirt.

Your name is truth hair shirt.

Yeah, yeah. Uh-huh. I'm a werewolf as well. It's German. Yeah, it's German. Okay. Come from a family of German werewolves.

Well, famously martyrs wear hair shirts. Did you say wolf famously? What's up? Did you say wolf famously? That blitzer. Right? You're saying to ask to name most famous wolf? Yes, you passed the test. Yes. Yeah, yeah.

You're all 10 minutes late to class. Go to where you need to be.

Oh no, the full moon.

I love how he said sexy vampire and Adal immediately was like, whoa.

Would you like another bowl of counts? Chocolate. Sexy is subjective. That's my saying. I had that tattooed on my arm underneath that barbed wire. Sexy is subjective. Sexy is subjective. I find Boris Karloff sexy? No, he was a freaking sign.

Bella Lugosi? A cut of Twilight that's just Adal dubbed over all of Edward's lines in that voice. Same dialogue, just that voice.

Billa, I don't think you... I want to fuck you, but I'm a boy! I also love how Jeffrey came in here and we're like, you're fine with scenes, right? And then every riddle that he's done, we've been like, okay, no Jeffrey, we want to see a scene. You're the scene, big man.

One of the top podcasts, huh? Do another fucking scene. Let's do, you're an Australian pirate. Workrabs in a bucket, we're drawing you down. Let's see you right your way out of this one.

We want to see a scene in you 15 minutes. Absent alongside a high pressure air system,

Absent along a high pressure air system.

Absent alongside a high pressure air system. My best friend's conditioner.

My best friend's air conditioner.

Marlin Brando.

I gotta see a scene. Let's just see a scene directly. We'll jump right into it. Adal, Erin, this is a scene from the movie, My Best Friend's Air Conditioner.

I can't believe you're getting married.

Yeah, him and I are very happy together. It's summer, it's New York City. He keeps me cold. I keep him from falling out the window and killing people.

Doesn't he like, run up your electric bill? Like you should be with me. Maybe you should be with me.

You've been my friend forever. And you're doing this now.

I'm so sorry. I know you're walking down the aisle and I'm walking alongside of you crab like, but maybe you gotta, you gotta stay with me.

It's air conditioning. It's going to be warm forever.

I'll fan you. I'll fan you off.

But it's their condition.

We do a cut shot of the audience where it's the air conditioner's parents who are sitting there in the pews waiting for them to be married. Jeffrey, we're going to be playing the air conditioner's parents.

And that was humans deploying raspberries? I thought I saw a fall seed.

What was the clue again?

Oh fuck yeah. Absent alongside a high pressure air system without

Air can, like, can. Absent. Absent. Fan. Swim fan. Any excuse to talk about swim fan. Absent.

Alongside.

So what's the, it's like opposite. So what's the opposite of absent? It's not opposite, it's synonyms. Fuck, that's why.

You know what's... Why are you eating a synonym in roll?

I'm eating a synonym toast crutch. Yeah. Synonym toast crutch. Absent? Absent. Gone. Gone girl.

Gone. Gone. Gone girl. Gone girl.

Gone girl. Gone girl.

Gone girl.

Gone girl. Gone girl. Gone girl.

Gone girl. Gone girl. Gone girl. Gone girl.

Gone girl.

Gone girl. Gone girl. Gone girl. Gone girl. Gone girl.

Gone girl.

Gone girl.

Gone girl.

Gone girl.

Gone girl. Gone girl.

Gone girl. Gone girl.

Gone girl.

Gone girl. Gone girl. Gone girl. Gone girl. Gone girl.

Gone girl.

Gone girl. Gone girl. Gone girl. Gone girl. Gone girl. Gone girl. Gone girl. Gone girl. Gone girl. Gone girl. Gone girl. Gone girl. Gone girl. Gone girl. I want to take that back. Frankly, my darling, I don't give a damn.

I don't give a blood. A few enjoy extreme warmth. Some?

Some like a hot Maryland Monroe.

Maryland. Hot hot clam chowder.

That's gonna be the weirdest fanart we ever get. It's all the states dressed sexy.

Nice buds. Nice bud. Air bud.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

I could have probably gone with like nice bros as well. Nice bros. Nice bros.

Oh, stepbrothers. Stepbrothers. Nice bros.

Nice bros. Nice pals. Indicating a gender there. A few good men.

Oh, that's pretty good.

That's not bad. Yeah, it would be like several bros or something like that. Fuck. Nice bros.

Well, you're so close though in terms of the wording you use there. Oh, really? A few.

If you saving private Ryan. Okay, so which is one of the words that I use correct? Yes. Is it for you? No. Is it good? Mm-hmm. Good. Good guys. Finish last.

Good Will Hunter.

Good guys.

And I, um... That's also good. I don't know that movie.

It's Will Ferrell, right?

Yeah. Oh, nice. I've never seen it.

Neither have I. So, one word movie title. Goodfellas. There you go.

Oh, nice. Darn it.

But that could have gone so many different directions. Those were all excellent guesses.

Turns out movies is easy.

Yeah, movies is awesome. They have lots of good movies. Knife jogger.

Later on, Riddle. That one's fun. Yeah. Knife jogger.

That's also how, that's the Black Dahlia killer.

The knife jogger? Yeah, the knife jogger. Okay, so Adal, I want to see a scene. You were going to be a police commissioner. We are all going to be police officers and you are going to be briefing us on catching the knife jogger. Okay, this is a killer at large.

Have we caught the monster yet?

Yeah, boss. Have we caught him? Shouldn't we know? Everyone please have a seat. I am in charge. Commissioner Gordon speaking now.

There's only two chairs.

Well, I'll stand. Whoever can't, what'd you say? I'll stand. Oh, look at the frickin' barter over here. Jesus Christ. Walking among us. Wearing a hair shirt. All right, now I need to tell you about a killer that's making its mark on the scene. It's Mark. I'm sorry? It's Mark? We don't know it's the gender of the person. Or the species. We don't know that it's a human. It could be a python. Could it be a predator? Well, we always catch a predator.

I fucking hate that I set you up for that.

I've lost all control of this room. Now, I need you to not laugh at the name we've given this killer. Now, you might find it funny, but the victim's families are watching through this two-way mirror, so please don't laugh.

Oh gosh, I hope it's not too silly.

I feel enormous pressure. The name we have is Old Stabby Sweatpants. We know the killer wears sweatpants. We found the fibers of some Wilson athletics pants.

Famously, if you name a killer, people care more and it gets the public's attention. So I'm all renaming it, but Stabby Sweatpants.

Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, so it's o-l- apostrophe. Old Stabby Sweat. I had O-L-E in my head. I was thinking O-L-E. I like that better. Let's make it like a tavern. What was it? Olay? Is there a little accent above the E? You're right, let's make it Olay! Stabby sweatpants.

She's a little folksy and casual for someone who's killed. You said seven dozen people at least?

Yes, I'm trying to support you, but I guess... Hey, Officer Erin, what number is seven dozen?

Seven times two. Seven times twelve.

You think? Hold on.

Shut up! Everybody be quiet. I'm doing math in my head.

It's one of the best math cups we've got.

Seven dozen.

A transfer from Boston.

Seventy-two.

What about a baker's dozen? Seven baker's dozen.

Is it bigger than a dozen ten or eleven?

What about cheaper by the dozen?

That's Dean Martin and twelve kids. Name the kids. The brunette girl. The one who was on Smallville.

Gun badge.

Keep them.

Wouldn't 72 be six dozen?

I've had enough of you. 72 times two times. How many trombones in the music, man?

76. And what is the name of the Philadelphia basketball team?

The 76.

And when was the gold rush?

Let's do two more and then we'll take a break.

Yeah, let's do that. Let's go with this. The capital of Alaska spelled phonetically.

Juneau. There you go. And let's close on this one. Please leave. There you go. Oh, nice one. Nice.

Wow.

Owen Wilson. Wow.

We're going to take a quick break. We'll be right back with more Puzzies and Riddies with Jeffrey Cranor. Welcome back to the Hey Riddle Riddle Test Kitchen. I'm your host, Adal Rifai. We also have joining us in the kitchen.

I can't figure out my apron. I put it on like pants. Hold on.

No, that's weird.

Erin, we're live. We're live on TV. And also, Erin, that's pants.

Oh, okay. Then where's my apron?

It's apron brand pants.

Okay. Okay. I'm ready to cook.

And I'm Sued Chef, JPC. That's not sous chef, that is a chef who is in the middle of midi lawsuits right now. You're a deep, deep litigation.

You're great at chopping onions.

I'm in a bad way, but I'm chopping onions and I'm making my way back.

Well, we're cooking today with HelloFresh, America's number one meal kit. Get easy seasonal recipes and pre-measured ingredients delivered right to your door. Do you not have a door where you live? Maybe it'll get delivered right to the flap of your tent or the manhole cover if you're a ninja turtle.

They do deliver to Ninja Turtles. That is a new addition to HelloFresh. What I love about HelloFresh is it's just simple, okay? They make cooking delicious meals at home a reality regardless of your comfort in the kitchen. For instance, I'm not comfortable in the kitchen. I've been sued many times for kitchen related mishaps. Going into the kitchen gives me a lot of anxiety because I know I'm opening myself to many more lawsuits, but HelloFresh makes it easy. They've got step-by-step recipes with pre-measured ingredients. You'll have everything you need to get a wow-worthy dinner on the table in just about 30 minutes.

It's also a very easy cleanup, which I appreciate because I'm trying to get in and out of there as fast as possible. I made the fajitas today, and I loved them so much.

Cause you're usually a bit of a sloppy girl.

And you know, unlike Erin and I's marriage, HelloFresh is flexible and it fits your lifestyle. You could add extra meals to your weekly order as well as yummy sides like garlic bread and cookie dough. Mmm, cookie dough not a side. I take offense to that. I guess it is a side of dessert if it's like ice cream and cookie dough.

And unlike our marriage, HelloFresh is great for kids and kid-friendly.

Yeah, there's a family option, a calorie smart and vegetarian option, and then there's fun menu series like Hall of Fame and Kraft Burgers.

I want to try Kraft Burgers.

And just because I'm pitting the two of you and what you're going through in terms of your divorce. You pity the fools. We're going to offer $80 off your first month.

Adal, no, stop. Yes.

$80 off your first month of HelloFresh if you just go to hellofresh.com slash riddle80 and enter riddle80. That's hellofresh.com slash R-I-D-D-L-E-8-0 and enter the code Riddle80.

Adal, as your lawyer, I have to tell you that can be financially ruinous.

You're a lawyer, too. Why are you getting sued so much, you dummy?

I know. I'm suing myself in a couple of these. I'm self-representing and self-suing.

Oh.

It's really self-sabotage is what it amounts to.

It's like a boy named self-sue.

And if you want to self-soothe yourself, get yourself into the kitchen with HelloFresh.

It's truly great. You should try it.

And we're back with more Lady Gaga singing in a Stormtrooper helmet. I'm on a B-mail. Oh boy. We're going to do some puzzles and riddies. I'm going to take on the mantle of old man puzzles.

This is the first time we've ever had an OMP like introduction halfway through the episode.

Absolutely. Well, Jeffrey wanted to solve some, wanted to be put in the hot seat.

Now, now, now. That's not what he said. What he said was, I'm smarter than all of you motherfuckers and I'll solve every riddle.

And he broke a beer glass over his head.

We really love to set up our guests for massive success.

Here you go. Here's the first one. A man gets onto an elevator. When the elevator stops, he knows his wife is dead.

Hmm, she was under the elevator.

His wife is an elevator repair person. I think I know the answer to this, so I'm going to brag about it.

The elevator is to heaven, and his wife is dying.

Yeah, they updated, Led Zeppelin updated their song. Kind of like the Smiths updated.

Oh, thank God. Yeah, I love it when people update their songs.

Hey now, you're a cool guy.

Hey now, you're a has been.

Hey now, you're in the Pro Bowl.

That's awesome. That's so awesome.

They should make it they should make a bespoke version for every like whatever sport calls they all sort of.

I mean what else are they doing? They're opening up Guy Fieri's themed restaurants at the Minnesota State Fair.

Can I guess?

Sure.

Or should we wait for them? I mean that's the show, Erin.

That's a fucking show.

I think that actually, Erin, I think that since you know it, it's the cool move, the hostly move, is to give Jeffrey a chance to figure it out as well. Good point. She was under the elevator. Okay, Erin, now after... after what I could only apologize for happened, I believe it's now time for you.

And that's my favorite Dave Matthews b-side is under the elevator and dying.

How confident do you think you are in this answer?

I'm like 70... no, I'm like 64%. 69% confident is what you're looking for, so there we go.

Okay, can you read it one more time, Adal?

A man gets onto an elevator. When the elevator stops, he knows his wife is dead.

Do the elevator doors open up to a dead body of his wife?

No, but that's a terrible guess. Let me give them one hint and then we can hear your guess. So, what type of building the elevator is in plays a huge part in this. Is it a hospital? It's a hospital.

So use that logic to... Oh, I think I know it then. I think I know it.

Let's hear it. Erin, let's have you have the first stab at it.

What if I got it totally wrong? So his wife is on life support and he's on the elevator and then it stops because the power goes out in the building. What the fuck?

Oh my gosh.

She was under the elevator.

I said Jeffrey. My guess was that they were like, oh, let's go see your wife. And then he gets in the elevator and the doors open. It's the morgue.

Oh, yeah, that might be right.

I was going to guess that he was in the morgue, but then you said hospital.

I like that answer better. But Erin was correct. He's leaving a hospital after visiting his wife who's on life support. The power goes out, stopping the elevator, and he guessed the life support system too. I would love if the elevator stops and he just assumes she's dead and just goes home. That marriage was a good one. 30 years later, she's like, I was alive.

Hospitals famously don't have backup generators, so one power surge killed everyone in the hospital.

It says here, he assumes that the emergency backup generator were working, the elevator wouldn't lose power either.

Oh, interesting. Yeah, boss, when we want to reroute this thing, we could do it so just the elevator has the power, or the whole hospital keeping people alive has the power.

Sorry, I'm busy watching my TV shows and my computer. Do whatever you want!

TV shows? That's porn!

It has a plot.

Oh, I'm sorry, this is Game of Thrones.

This is season two.

This is Game of Thrones porn.

Oh, I gotta see a scene. This is gonna be a Game of Thrones parody pod of scene. I almost said podcast.

I gotta see a scene. This is a Game of Thrones parody podcast. And go. It's a new idea. We're running with a brand new idea.

This is called Dame of Bones. Love it. Erin, you're playing a Dame Judy Jensen. No, you're playing a Dame. GPC, you are the aforementioned Bones. And this is the setup before the sex.

Gotcha. So my name is Dave. I am the puppeteer. Basically what I do is I use my hands and these strings to manipulate the dragon's penis.

And do you get turned on in the scene?

I am a eunuch.

In the scene?

I'm sorry?

In the scene? In the scene I'm just Dave and I pop myself into the... Yeah, but like you as an actor, like important like people of honor. So will you finish?

Oh, yes, but the way that I finish is by manipulating these puppeteering tools to stimulate the dragon's erection. I personally won't finish, but I will finish for the dragon. You understand what this is. I'm going to pop up into this dragon's penis. I'm a puppeteer. My name is Dave. I'm a eunuch. Well, which is a thing that shouldn't exist anymore. But in science, you know.

Nothing's ever been clearer for me. I'm ready.

I was chemically castrated.

I'm ready. Action. You come in here thinking that you could be a dragon at me. Are you trying to poison me or kill me? See, Dave, I see you getting turned on. Do you get turned on by being a puppeteer?

That wasn't me being turned on. I was trying to eat a shrimple. I was doing this and it was just lodged, just caught in the back of my throat. I shouldn't try to eat the jumbo shrimps. Okay. And take these shrimps away from me. Thank you. Action.

You come in here, big dragon, and you're trying to kill me or poison me or take my... the iron? Yeah, Dave, I see you so horny in there, bud. Just so, so horny.

That's a page from my wife. She's in labor. Not for pregnancy. She's in a labor camp. She was kidnapped. Oh, I finished.

I want to cut to a scene with Dave the Eunuch, and this is him and his buddy doing a almost like an Abbott and Costello routine on the road for Vaudeville.

Okay.

I'm sorry to bother you sir, but I'm looking for my friend Nick, Eunuch.

And this is what a dryer would sound like.

You said play the plights, right? Yeah, well yeah. Yeah, for sure. I understood Vaudeville.

Can you fuck me? Here we go. Yes. A man fell off a smuggling boat into deep water. He could not swim, and he was not a swim fan, and he was not wearing anything to keep him afloat. It took 30 minutes for the people on the boat to realize someone was missing. The missing man was rescued two hours later on the return trip. Why didn't he drown? Can I ask a follow-up question?

When he fell off the boat, was he falling into the deep end? And here we go. I can't tell. It's like a little Judy Garland. It's like Ethel Merman.

It's Ethel Merman.

A star is born, Fred. Okay, I was too busy thinking of my great joke to remember much about the Riddle.

That should be the name of this podcast. I was too busy thinking about my great joke.

To be a good friend and a supportive listener.

Can we get that on a t-shirt?

Yes, that's our new graphic.

It's a composite of all of our faces. It was too busy thinking about my good joke.

Adal, are there hints that come along with this one?

There are not, but I will answer some questions. Cool. So just to reiterate the important bullet points here. Man fell off a smuggling boat into deep water. He could not swim. He wasn't wearing anything to keep him afloat. He was rescued 30 minutes later and was still alive. How?

What were they smuggling? Were they smuggling a smaller boat?

Were they smuggling life vests? Was it a life vest smuggling boat? Nope.

A buoy?

No.

A balloon.

Did he get wet when he fell in the ocean? Was he wet the whole time? I mean, I don't want to answer this.

Whatever floats your buoy. Make eye contact with me and answer it. He was wet. Was he submerged? I mean, his body was in water.

His body was in water.

I can't speak to if he was fully submerged the whole time. Sure. But his body was in water.

Were they smuggling scuba gear?

They were not. So nothing the boat was carrying had life vests or glues? So was what they were smuggling important? Um, to me it is. To the Riddle, no. But to me. Was he the only one who fell off the boat? Uh, yes. Oh, that's a good, like, that somebody fell off with him. Like his Siamese twin. Or his swimming instructor.

I prefer Siamese.

And just swim, and swim.

Uh, was the water deep enough for a door? And swim.

That sounds like a beer campaign.

Uh, it was the water deep enough for him to drown. Uh, yes. Okay, so he could.

It's so funny if he was just standing, and he's like, me too.

Sir, it's low time. There's a smuggling boat, and what are those called? That water park's like the whirlpool zone? Slides. Slides.

Slides.

Yeah, I'm a fucking idiot. What's called a water park? Soda fountain. Thank you. Soda fountain. I'm a fucking moron.

What's that thing I do into DMs?

I find waterslides pretty scary. Like, I would rather go on a roller coaster than one of those, like, really steep tunnel slides that, like, water splashes up your face. Somebody just died on a water slide. Seriously.

Yeah. Every 10 minutes. Every 10 minutes, somebody dies on a water slide.

See that? It's just, like, the not breathing scares me.

Erin, would you rather go down a waterslide or a wet roller coaster?

A wet roller coaster.

You don't know why it's wet, and it shouldn't be.

Well, same with me, rollercoaster, you and I have that in common. This is the bluest episode ever.

I heard a Kitty Chesney song and now my rollercoaster's wet.

You and me both, gal. Don't know why we're wet.

We are vibing right now, Erin. It's centrifugal force. So gross.

I'm so sorry, everybody.

And Jeffrey, you've listened to the show, and my question to you is why? And Jeffrey, we're sorry.

Also, you know I'm not this gross normally, right, everybody?

You being on this show constitutes as an apology from all of us. Erin's nickname is Terry because she's so fucking gross.

Wow, that was very cool.

I love her.

A man fell off a smuggling boat into deep water. He could not swim and was not wearing anything to keep him afloat. It took him 30 minutes for people on the boat to realize something was missing. Someone was missing. The missing man was rescued two hours later on the trip. Why didn't he drown?

He couldn't swim.

He was in root beer. Was he being towed behind the boat in some way? He's being towed, which is when somebody puts their big toe in your butthole. Yes.

That's called towing someone's west frog.

Is that real?

Is that real?

You guys would tell him if that was real, right?

It's entrapment if you don't tell me that towing someone.

This is like Miracle on 34th Street, but with sexual acts.

He would have to tell me.

Tell me it's real. Jeffrey, what do we think? So he wasn't tied to the boat in any way.

He was not tied to the boat. My man, JPC, he fell into the Dead Sea, which lies between the countries of Israel and Jordan. The water's so salty, how salty is it?

And dense that anyone in it can float very easily. And technically I should not have given the answer to that because the Dead Sea is getting pretty close to Israel. And you're not telling anyone what to do? I'm not telling Jewish people what to do anymore.

That was a good one. I actually liked that riddle.

A rare moment. Thank you so much. Is the Dead Sea the only place, and Erin this question is for you.

You're looking right at me.

Is the Dead Sea the only place where that level of salt makes you like buoyant?

I think the Salton Sea in California. Oh really? I like that too. It's so super salty. But I think it's a similar thing where you could float on it. Yeah.

Cool.

I guess I could probably float on Erin's cooking then.

How dare you? I'd salt soup! Salt soup!

That's my mistake. I wish I hadn't have ordered that. You take the piss, you take the salt, salt soup. Can you float on soup?

Alright, modest mouse over here. Alright.

We all float soon. Some of you should mash up, what's his name, Kanahie? Matthew McConaughey. Matthew McConaughey. And float on and have it be, alright, alright, alright, already, we all float on.

That's incredible, someone do that.

Someone do that and also Erin said someone should make a wanted poster.

Oh yeah.

For all stabby sweatpants. Honestly, I think that we should just renew this podcast.

Have it be JPC's face! Have it be JPC's face!

This podcast should just be called Someone Do That. Someone Do That. Someone Draw. Yeah. And we saw a big drop off on people following instructions.

I think that our next podcast is just called Someone Draw. We'll do a bunch of improv scenes that we want people to draw.

Someone do this. We won't. We never will. We don't have the time or energy, but you do, right? Friends? How are we feeling? Want another one? Yes. Let's see here. A man is in a dark room having a great time. Suddenly he stops breathing and can't speak. In a manner of moments, his breathing and ability to speak returns to him. What happened?

I like the, yeah, the haunted house makes a ton of sense. I can tell by your silence.

It is not a haunted house. Does the man have a heart attack? The man does not have a heart attack.

He does not have a stroke. Is there a medical reason for why

Um, there is. Medical's a strong word for it, but I guess it's, I guess it's apropos, but, but medical, uh... Okay. Is there a health reason? Is that a better word for it? Yeah. Okay, nevermind. To some degree, there's something happening. It's not necessarily that like an organ is failing him, but something's going on. That is, that would require someone possibly to receive some sort of medical help.

Choking?

That is correct, but I need to know the full... Oh, okay. There's more to it. So a man is in a dark room having a great time. Suddenly he stops breathing and can't speak. In a manner of moments his breathing and ability to speak returns to him, what happened?

Is he choking because he's got a belt on his neck and he's... Oh my god. He's watching, yeah. He's eating chicken wings in a dark room. That's Nashville hot.

That's the definition of Nashville hot chicken is to eat in a dark room, choke on a chicken bones mom and cats. It's his birthday.

That's the saddest thing. She's the best voice of all time.

was the best voice.

Hi Riddle. Hi Riddle.

Pop movie.

He's eating popcorn.

He was watching Pop Star Never Stop Stopping. Never Stop Choking.

Never Stop Choking. Was it a movie theater? Is that correct?

It is a movie theater. So we have two of the three components. He was choking in a movie theater and now I just need to know why he stopped choking eventually and was able to continue watching the movie.

He was choking on ice. Oh, it's a popcorn. Someone gave him popcorn. I think JBC said it. Yeah, he was choking on ice.

He was choking on ice, which was his boyfriend's name he was giving him. You're for them. Honestly, if you could do an ice, the ice melted. Yeah, the ice melted and he was able to breathe again.

Ice, ice, baby.

That sucks.

What was he doing?

You probably suffocate before ice would melt, right?

So I'm assuming he wasn't sucking up ice through a straw. I'm assuming he had nothing but ice left in his cup and he was like tipping it back into his mouth to eat the ice. Man, if I saw a guy doing that in the fucking movies, I would hope he died.

I know people who would, friends who would like add a cafeteria in the college or something, would just get a cup full of ice and chew on it. Who do you know? Who are you hanging out with? Let me see those hands. Name all the people you know. Uh, JPC, Erin.

Fuck, fuck.

I can tell who that's being looked at. Let's do one final more.

One final more riddle. All right, here we go. Can this one be good?

These are actually, as far as riddles go, these have been pretty decent.

Yeah, these are some of the best that I've ever heard.

Because at least they make a little bit of sense, and they haven't inspired a white hot rage inside me.

Yeah, let me get a real bad one. We're going to end on that.

Oh, Adal, you did so good.

A man is dead in a room with a smile, with a smile. A man is dead in a room with a small pile of wood chips and sawdust in the corner. That's all we have to go off of. A man is dead in a room with a small pile of wood chips and sawdust in the corner. Did he bite the dust? This is the Queen song.

Another one bites the Rhapsody. Is there a riddle to this? It sounds like a declarative statement.

It is a declarative statement. We have to kind of reverse engineer what happens. I cannot stress enough. This is real bad. This is the most garbage answer.

Okay.

Is everything else structurally in the room intact? Uh, yes. So there's a pile of, you said sawdust in what?

A dead man. There's a dead man in the room with a small pile of wood chips and sawdust in the corner. Now I'll say, I'll give you, I probably need to feed a lot of hints into this ATM machine style. So, um, the wood chips and the sawdust both came from one item. There was an item, it's been, it's been part of it partially has been turned into wood chips and sawdust. And it would be an item the old man used. Not the old man, the dead man, I'm sorry.

Is this a taxidermy situation where they're stuffing him with wood chips and sawdust?

No.

Damn it. But whatever killed him is made of wood?

Not whatever killed him, but something that led to, I guess, these dead. Does he have any visible marks on his body? He has some birthmarks. He also slept in his car, and so he has an impression of the car seat on the side of his face.

What else? Is there anything else in the room? Is how he died important?

Yes, very much so. Something with wood chips?

Would he be embarrassed about the way he died?

That's hard to say. Because I don't know him and his threshold. Here's what I'll say. We should focus on the circumstances that led to his death and his death. He was alone when he died, so he probably punched his own ticket.

Did he cough up the sawdust in the wood chips?

No.

He was blowing Groot.

He accidentally went through a wood chipper.

Did he go through a wood chipper? He did not go through a wood chipper. His body's intact. His body... Yeah, I mean, something led to his death. It doesn't matter what led to his death. He punched his own ticket, but it's what the events that led up to him deciding to do what he did.

This sucks. I have no fucking idea at all.

I guarantee you this is the worst riddle we've ever done. Ready for the answer?

Do you have anything? Yeah, I'm ready. I'm ready.

And you know how, have you ever done, what's the, I forget the name for it, like when you watch a TV show for the, if you're the test audience for a TV show, what's that called, focus group?

Focus group, yeah.

I want you to pretend you're a focus group, and if you've ever done that, you have a dial in front of you, that's like zero to 10. And as you, the whole time you have to move that dial, depending on what you see on screen. So as I give this answer, I want you with like a noise or something, with how frustrated you are to go from zero to 10 vocally. Got it.

Zero. I'm zero right now.

Zero to zero. The dead man is a blind,

The dead man, Jeffrey just farted. The dead man is a blind dwarf. The Dead Man is a blind dwarf, the shortest one in the circus. Another dwarf was jealous because he was not as short. He began sawing small pieces of the other dwarf's cane every night. When he used his cane each morning, he appeared to him that he was growing taller. Since his only income is from being a circus midget, he decides to kill himself when he gets too tall.

When, what year was this written?

1951. That's insane!

1950 canceled.

I can't say that.

Yeah, there's so many of the words in that that is, that are not, that's one of my favorite parts about riddles is they, we've aged out of having riddles be acceptable.

Yeah, 90% of them are awful.

Yeah, that was real, real bad.

Well, I'm glad that we'll never have to do that one on the show again.

Jeffrey, did you have a good time? I had a great time. You're giving two thumbs down.

Do you know what great time means? I'm making fart noises.

You're turning your dial to zero. Jeffery, anything you would like to plug or to give a shout out to?

Yeah, shout out to start with this. It's the new podcast Joseph Fink and I made. It is a nonfiction podcast where we talk about writing and we give you assignments. We give you things to do to help inspire your writing. That's so cool.

It is fantastic.

Homework. And they're short and we have a members forum that people can go on and share their stuff and give feedback and talk about their ideas and hopefully find cool collaborators.

Hell yeah.

That's very cool.

Do you see anything you want to plug? Sure. You can follow me on Twitter at jpsofly. You can follow me on Instagram at sharkbarkman. You can always send it riddles to us so we'll never have to read riddles like that again. It's hrrpodcast at gmail.com. We love original riddles. So if you want to write them yourself, you know, of your own hand and send them in, that's awesome as well.

You're handwritten. You want to see it in your handwriting.

Please scan in handwritten riddles and send them in. I promise if one person does that, the first person that does it, I will pick that riddle. We'll definitely do that one on the show. You can also find our Tea Public store. Just search Hey Riddle Riddle at Tea Public and then you can listen to our Patreon. It's patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle. Give us $5 a month and then you'll get a bonus episode every Friday.

Yeah.

Erin, anything to promote?

Follow me, Erin Keif 10 on Instagram and come see us and world news at IO on Saturdays, 8 and 10. But also come see Wet Bus, which is every Thursday at 10 p.m. It's me and a lot of my best friends. And it's very different from everything else that I do. So every Hey Riddle Riddle fan that's come so far has been like,

They're weird, different. Whoa, this is good improv. You listen to the show where you do bad shit.

It's a lot more earnest.

I want to give a shout out and a huge, huge thank you to the person who's been helping us this whole weekend while we're in LA. Mars, thank you so much. You can check out Mars on the podcast, All Fantasy Everything. Mars, anything else to plug or anything? Punch up the jam. Which is phenomenal. What was it? And why won't you date me? That's one of my favorites. So thank you so much to Mars and to Headgum for having us and again for Jeffrey Cranor for being on the show. I have one final question which is, Erin, Gwyneth Paltrow has this famous company that she gives beauty products on and whatnot. That company actually comes from a different planet and its planet's name is Jupiter. What's the name of the company? Do you know Gwyneth Paltrow's company? Fuck, Erin. Does she have a child named Apple? She has a company, a website. What is it? And then if that were a planet, it would be what?

Goopitor. It'd be Goopitor, wouldn't it?

It'd be Goopitor, wouldn't it?

Wouldn't it? I panicked. I was so, I didn't want to disappoint you when I forgot the name. It was Goopitor.

I tried to do something fun.

She sells rich women vitamins that cost like $300.

Well, this is the last episode. She sells which, that's the country. Goopitor. Goopitor. Bye forever.

Hey Riddle Riddle. Created by Adal Rifai. Starring Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan. KG Snyder did the editing, and already parented the music. Logo created by Emily Cardamus and Emily Neforce.

That was a hate gun podcast.