Which Riddle Riddle?

Bark bark bark, JPC. Me hungry.

Adal, we've talked about this, my man. If you do that, I will feed you, but it will be dog food.

That's fine.

Okay, I mean, I think I know what's going on. You want the dog food because you know that I use Ollie dog food.

Ruff ruff.

Ollie's fresh recipes are developed by real chefs and backed by vet nutritionists. They're obsessed with making the best meals with the highest quality ingredients for dogs. Now, I gotta say, Adal, you can eat it. I don't think you're gonna like it as a human. This is specifically for dogs.

It just looks and sounds so good. Also, with Ollie, you don't just get food through their app. You can actually check in on your dog's health with real vets. Just by uploading a picture of your dog, not of your Adal, their team can check in on your dog's weight, digestion, coat, all because they're obsessed with making sure your pup is as healthy as can be.

I wonder what happens if I upload a picture of Adal. Let me just try it now. They said, oh, they said, this dog is very sick. Take this dog. Take this dog. It says to a people hospital. I switched to Ollie, I tried it out, my dog Spaghetti absolutely went nuts for Ollie. She is a dog, one of these types of dogs, I don't know if you've heard of, have you heard of these types of dogs? She's the type of dog who you can like put the food in her bowl and then she'll just like see it in there all day and only eat it when she's hungry. Now, when it's time for dinner, at about four o'clock every day, she comes up and starts snapping at me like, hey man, get the Ollie out of the fridge, put it in the bowl, dude, you gotta be getting faster at this. She absolutely loves it and it's the first food that I've ever given her that she actually seems to be interested in. So get ready for both you and your pup to be obsessed. Head to Ollie.com slash Riddle, tell them all about your dog, and use code RIDDLE to get 70% off your welcome kit when you subscribe today. Plus, they offer an obsession guarantee. If you're not completely obsessed, you'll get your money back. That's O-L-L-I-E dot com slash Riddle. And enter code RIDDLE to get 70% off your first box. Can't confirm the promo code works because I used it. I used my own promo code for my own podcast. That's how much I like the product.

Oh, shoot. I just remembered I buried some bones in the backyard. And by bones, I mean Erin. Let me go dig her up. Oh boy.

Ollie, feed the obsession.

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

No shit, all Sherlock. It's Hey Riddle Riddle Hollywood Nights.

Hollywood Nights. Hollywood Nights.

I'm Hollywood Adal Rifai. I'm Burbank JPC.

I'm Beverly Hills Erin.

I got Burbank. Culver City. I don't know all the areas. Not me either. What's like the shitty part of town? I don't know. I'm silver. Mars, what's the worst part of LA? Welcome to another episode that we are recording in Los Angeles town USA.

How's everybody doing? So I'm great.

Still tall.

Still taller than average. But before we bring in our wonderful guest, Erin, can you, as we got here to the Head Gum Studios, you told me a little story about you rented a car last night. Can you tell the audience what happened when you rented that car?

Okay, so it took me like 40 minutes to get from the airport to the rental car place, and then I was last in line there. And so by the time I worked everything out, it was like 1.30 L.A. time, but I live in Chicago, so it was like 3.30 Chicago time, and I was like, you know what you're supposed to do, you're supposed to get a hotel and you're not supposed to drive because it's too unsafe. And I drove anyway, and I just screamed at myself the whole way, being like, STAY AWAKE! Hey Riddle

We're thrilled to have with our Hollywood Nights episodes we have some wonderfully special guests We're thrilled to announce we have a friend of the show. Well, he's my friend. He doesn't know you, too.

No, the show's a friend of his. The show's a friend of his. Yeah, a friend of the show is fine to say.

He's a listener. You might know him as one of the creators of Welcome to Night Vale, Within the Wires, Start With This, a podcast mastermind.

Tycoon.

What was that? Let's scale it back. Pump the brakes, Jeffrey.

Sure. No, I think he was saying his next podcast is called Podcast Tycoon.

Oh, and he is wearing Kleenex boxes on his feet.

On an old PC.

What if there's a game called Podcast Tycoon where you made your own podcast?

That would be great. It's Rollercoaster Tycoon, except it's a small room and you just keep injecting white people into the room, like plugging in different combinations of beards.

Well, speaking of bearded white people, Jeffrey Cranor. Thank you so much for being on the show.

Oh my god, it's great to be here. Thank you. What brings you to L.A.? I was escaping upstate New York wintertime. My favorite Kurt Russell movie. Yeah, I love it so much. We gotta get the president's daughter back. Yeah, my wife and I both work from home. My writing partner Joseph Fink and his wife came out here last year for Take off your top hat and that silly monocle and get real again. When I sleep it's like...

What's the what is because it's May right now at time of recording? Why don't you look at your watch? When I work look like reference months I look at my watch for whatever reason but whenever this comes out like, you know, June or space or whatever It's May right now. What is the weather that you're escaping from in upstate, New York right now?

Right now it's actually, I think, warmer than it is here. So that's exciting.

And what's the worst area of upstate New York?

Utica.

I've never been there, I don't know.

Salt Lake City, yeah, I understand.

Yeah, it's... You guys are in Chicago, the winters are brutal, they're tough, but I feel like the hard part is not the zero degree day, although Chicago had a really bad one this year, or the snow. From January 15th until about April 30th, it is just 30 degrees every single day in overcast, and it's really bad. It's the grayness of it all.

For Chicago, it's like the mental terrorism of it, where it's like we dipped into the spring, and then like two weeks ago or a week and a half ago, we had snow again. And it's like, no, it's spring. It's like April 24th or something.

It'll be like 70 degrees. Why is it snowing?

So it's almost like your brain is tricked into being like, relief, and then it snows again. And you're like, this is...

Here's my pitch.

I can't take it anymore.

Here's our pitch.

We take Christmas and New Year's and we just move them back two months. So we celebrate Christmas.

I've heard you say this three times.

Christmas in February, New Year's like is the end of February. That way we have- When is Labor Day? What's that?

When is Labor Day?

No more labor.

Arbor Day?

Every day is Arbor Day. We got to save the planet and global warming.

Yeah, well, Christmas makes winter feel less scary. So if the Christmas season was like three months, maybe it would be okay.

Because by the time Christmas is done, you're like, okay, I'm done with winter. It's December. December is just over.

And can Jewish people still have Hanukkah?

Jewish people can do whatever they want. I'm not here to tell Jewish people what to do.

Anymore. Fool me once. Again, we did put out that statement. We do apologize to all of our listeners and JBC will not be telling the Jewish people what to do anymore. We've heard your calls.

Good advice, bad advice, he won't tell you.

I thought I could Moses you. I did a little desert for 40 years thing. I really apologize.

And Jeffrey is walking out the door. Thank you so much for stopping by. We apologize. Jeffrey, I know we've done Sleep No More together. Have we done Escape Rooms together? We haven't done an Escape Room before. Do you like Escape Rooms? What is your relationship with puzzles and riddles? Oh, and I know you're a big Crossword guy, so definitely talk about that.

Oh, speaking of crosswords, I just, one of the things I, I did two things when I, when we were in LA. I was like, I want to take up a new hobby. And one thing is I took a pottery class, which was very exciting. I made some really shitty bowls. You'll be very happy to know. Yeah. And that's an intro pottery class. Yep.

Well, that's also what, I forget. I was going to make a joke about the coach of the bowls, but I forgot his name.

Oh, Popovich. Popovich, that's what Popovich did, Spurs.

It's like Adal at a bowling alley. That's exactly right. I've been teaching myself crossword puzzle designs. I've been making crossword puzzles, and I just sent a bunch to the New York Times. We'll see if they go in. Hell yeah. Congratulations. Thank you.

What was the most surprising thing about learning the trick to this?

Oh, it's really hard. It's amazing, like, how much you, like, get trapped in a corner, right? Like, you get up there and you're like, these are all common letters. I can do, you know, four by four by four and down, you know, down and across. And then you, I could sit there for an hour and just work on basically, like, 16 squares. And I'm sure people who have been doing this for a while are masters at it, and they can crank them out in a couple of hours. Yeah, that's been the real hard part of just the maddening. But it is sort of like solving a puzzle, right? In and of itself, like making the puzzle is solving the puzzle. And then you do the thing where you're like, four letters and they begin and end with an A and you're sort of trapped in that and you're like, oh no, I have to put Alan Alda.

I just referenced that most crossword puzzles have Alan Alda as an answer because of the four letter A words.

You know what I've also realized? It's like Aria. Aria Stark. It goes in a lot of crossword puzzles as well. I should put Aria in there. Yeah, I mean, it's pop culture now.

It's comical. But then you have the Y, and then there's... Yeah, that sucks.

Can I ask you a question? Because I love crosswords. I have the New York Times crossword app on my phone, so I try to do the crossword every day. And I see that certain crosswords are like, by this person, by this person, by this person. What is the process for... Can you just send the New York Times crosswords and be like, please use my crossword?

Yeah, they have a page on there that you can go to that'll tell you just sort of like the parameters, like it has to have a minimum or a maximum number of clues, like you can't just have a whole grid full of like three-letter words because then you end up having like a hundred clues on there or something. You mean like a minimum and maximum number of clues?

I was just hoping that there would be like 40 words that are in your puzzle that you just didn't write clues for. I mean hopefully people figure it out, they got all the other clues, they got all the downs, why do they need a cross? That would be a bad idea, like to do a crossword, then get to the across, like if you start down and then, well actually you start across and then you get down, and then there's just no clues.

Fuck. That's also how you dance, right? You start across and then you get down?

If you're at a wedding.

That's also how I go to church. Yeah, you just send it to them. They have a thing of like, format it exactly like this and send it in, and there's a, you can get, you can download programs that will format it for you. That's cool. It's pretty easy.

How do I get my New Yorker caption submitted? Because I have some real funny... I got a bunch of library books.

How do I get these motherfuckers back?

What I do is, any New Yorker cartoon I see, I just caption it with applesauce? And I have not been published yet.

When I was in high school, I submitted captions constantly. And then I also tried to get on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me every weekend. And I was like, I will be a successful high school student if I can get one of these things through and nothing ever went through.

So you weren't successful.

Yeah, and I didn't have sex in high school either. So thanks so much for asking about that.

I would write a letter to Santa Claus in high school every day. Ask me for sex? Ask you for Santa's presents.

Tell him he's a fucking loser.

Fuck me for Christmas Santa.

Santa Fe.

Alright, come on, this podcast is for kids. Exclusively for kids.

Let's call it that. And Jeffrey, is your streak still going?

I had a streak last year of- Blue hair. Blue hair. I was naked in the street. You're naked here at the podcast, so I'm assuming it's still going well. It was like 215 in a row on the New York Times puzzle app, and then it got broken on a Monday, which is notoriously the easiest puzzle day, because I started doing it, and then I got about halfway through, and I was like, I'll pick it up later, and then I forgot. is basically what happened. What does that do to your brain when you lose a streak like that because you just, like, fucking forgot about it? I was really annoyed because I was going to try and do 365 days. I just thought that would be really cool. And I tweeted about it saying, like, this is a bummer, it broke on a Monday. Somebody tweeted back saying, like, my current streak is at, I think he said something like 1,437. And he was like, I don't know what I would do if it broke. And I was like, I feel like you would feel a weight lifted off of you. Thank you for watching.

I got a Nermal tattoo because I've never felt comfortable anywhere.

Erin got a next to Nermal tattoo because she's a big Broadway head.

And I'm confused all the time, I don't get it.

Jeffrey, I believe you came in with some, you crafted some puzzles for us? I crafted a puzzy for you guys.

I love it. You kicked in the door and said, it's puzzy time motherfuckers. We were all doing a podcast with a different guest and we were like, what do we do?

What do we do? My favorite line from Die Hard.

Come to LA. We were recording with Reese Witherspoon and we said, get out of here Reese.

A little known fact, Alan Rickman didn't start solving puzzles until he was 44. Wow. Wow.

By the way, Erin, people are gonna be like combing the feed for the Reese Witherspoon episode now.

Shoot, where is it? I guess you can believe that. It's a Patreon. She was not very funny.

But that's awesome. Very rarely do guests come with like bringing their own type of material, so we're very excited for that.

Well, I thought I'd give it a go. I've been under a lot of writing deadlines lately, so I've been using a lot of Thesauri online. And so I thought I'd play with a Thesaurus game with you guys. Since we're in LA, I thought I would make a movie quiz for you all. And so I'm going to have you guys guess the name of these very popular, well-known films. I tried not to put anything super obscure in here. But I've replaced all the titles with synonyms for those titles. So for instance, I could say, here's something easy to start with, I could say celebrity battles.

Okay, and I just want to say up top, I've only ever seen Ratatouille. I'm not sure if that's going to be a big issue. For me it's not. For me it's not because I know no better. So I'm going to go ahead and say Ratatouille.

Celebrity battles. Something wars. Captain America Civil War.

Star Wars. There you go. Star Wars. Captain America Star Wars.

A star is wars.

A star is wars. A bug's wars.

A Star Is Wars.

A Star Is Wars. Hold on. Immediately, Erin and Adal, I need to see a scene. So this is off the set of the movie A Star Is Wars.

You're going to be playing... You've got to really enunciate that last word, buddy. A Star Is Wars. There you go.

Thank you. You're going to be playing... Adal, you're going to be playing Bradley Cooper's character. Erin, you are going to play Lady Gaga's character. You are an emerging singer who Adal has discovered on the Death Star as the rebels are attacking the base.

Tell me something boy. I don't talk, I don't feel that much. You need more. What? Damn, can I tell you something?

You know what, I'm good.

No, come back.

Hey, I just want to say that for a stormtrooper, you have the most beautiful voice.

Excuse me, I don't mean to butt in, but if you take your helmet off, we can hear the hurricane.

Oh, you want that to stop?

I'm confused.

Doing that scene was like playing Frogger where it's like looking for my opening and just getting run over by a truck. I looked Erin dead in the eyes to try and make eye contact and figure out when my opening was and then she just launched into singing.

One of my favorite things about Erin is she loves, loves, loves music and apparently knows none of the words.

Who knows the words to that song?

She feels the song, she doesn't memorize them. Jeffrey, let's get into these Puzzies and Riddies.

Yeah man, come on. Make with the Riddies fast, fast, fast.

I'm going to start singing in 3, 2... Alright, let's go with this one. Speedy people. Angry ones as well. Speedy people.

Fast. Too fast. Too furious.

Fast and the Furious. Tokyo Drift.

Too fast, too furious.

Tokyo Ghoul. Punching society. Oh, Fight Club. There you go.

Congratulations, Erin. You are the third to get it.

I want to see a quick scene. JPC, you are a member of High Society.

Gotcha.

And you have created this underground cult called Punching Society. It's very much like Fight Club, but it's for the wealthy only. So you're going to lay out, and the three of us, Jeffrey, Erin, and I are all new recruits, and you're going to lay out the rules for Punching Society.

Pardon me, pardon me. We'll all be able to get back to our caviar and long cigarettes and our champagne. Very soon, but I'd like to make an announcement. Welcome everyone to the first session of what is, I'm sure to be, a tumultuous number of affairs of punching society.

Are we having affairs?

Quiet now, quiet now.

I'd love to have an affair.

Well, wouldn't we all? I would love to cheat on my wife.

Now as we all know, that's your opening, there are many rules in punching society, and I will go over those rules now. Rule number one, if you want to punch a member of punching society, you must write a letter to their lawyer first. Do you have a speech?

No, I just agree with you wholeheartedly. What if the person you want to punch is your lawyer?

Oh yes, well that is a lawyer's conundrum. Put your helmet back on. You don't want to get punched. That brings us to rule number two. If the person you want to punch is a lawyer, you must ask one of their best friends from high school.

Can I put forward a quandary? Put forth, put forth. My younger brother here, Reginald, his arm is a bit atrophied and Reginald, you have a bit of trouble punching. I have a short reach, you know.

I just want to tear Reginald apart. Just go for the weakest one.

By all means, but please start composing a letter to his lawyer.

You had a question. Like I was saying, my brother Reginald, in the dark, if you see a shadow, he looks like the drawstrings on sweatpants, which is to say that one is... What the fuck are sweatpants?

Am I the only one who has no idea what you're talking about? The jig is up. I'm a paw.

Get out! Send the snakes after him!

Yes, and I pushed the button and the snakes come and yes, there's wriggling all over you, yes, like candy drenched in snakes. Same.

We gotta return to that.

Well, you can tell that we all know what it's like to have money. Every one of us is doing just fine.

Anytime I visit a rich friend's house, I'm like, where are your snakes?

Hey man, where are your snakes? Where are the snakes you dump on poor motherfuckers like me?

It's like one of those balloon things at like proms and elections, but it's just snakes.

Balloon drop?

Yeah, balloon drop. I don't know words.

Snake drop at New Year's?

Thank you so much, yes.

Let's do another one. Shall we? We shall. Let's do this one. Everything you need to know regarding the first woman. All About Eve. Awesome.

Wow, that's awesome.

That was very good.

I know it also could have been All About Jackie Onassis, but I went with, I guess at the time it should be Jackie Kennedy.

I don't know All About Eve, what is that?

All About Eve is about, I confused that one and Sunset Boulevard a lot.

I think they were nominated in the same year? I haven't seen All About Eve. I should have seen All About Eve, but I have not.

I feel like, is it about like a movie actress being phased out or something?

I want to see a scene. Adal, you are about to go up in front of two movie execs, and you have a title, but you're panicking and you're just going to make up the plot of what you think All About Eve is going to be about.

Are Jeffrey and I the movie execs?

Yeah, you're the movie execs.

I gotta say, it's such a pleasure to meet the... Oh, is this the MTV game show, Next?

No, I'm sorry, you're the next one, but traditionally you wait until I say next before you come up. That was a power move on my part.

I gotta say, it's such an honor to meet the Warner Brothers. Can I get your first name? Wacko?

Dave. We call it Dot for short.

How is Dot short for Dave?

Alright, pitch me motherfucker, impress me.

So I have this movie All About Eve. I love it. So it's called All About Eve, and I'm looking for investors. Hollywood's kind of like a shark tank, right?

Sure. Absolutely. If your pitch fails, you go in the shark tank. We have a little lever here that we press because we're rich, and it drops you into a pit of snakes, which then drops you into a pit of sharks.

Oh, why'd it have to be sharks? I like your idea so far, so keep going. Thank you so much, Dave. Thank you. I'm looking for $50,000 of investment.

Gotcha. That's wacko money to me. I make that much money wacko-ing off.

And you're eating a lot of mole. So you might say that you're... Wacko mole.

You're a smart guy? You're a funny guy? You're a tough guy? I was part of the Lampoon at Harvard. I went to school in Boston. Well then there's no reason for us to continue this. You have a job for the next 50 years.

Oh, thank you so much.

Welcome to Hollywood. Is that... Is that Diane Keaton? Yes, we have Dianne Keaton. We dropped her into the snake pit about a half an hour ago.

I'm in the deep end!

Off the snake pit.

That's the last time I'll do that. Big wink from Erin Keif over there.

No, I don't want to do that anymore. I love Wacko Dave. Like, Yacko, Wacko, Dave. Erin's like, please don't make me sing.

Oh my goodness gracious, I would hate if someone poked me out to do that again. No, I can't.

Let's go with Mr. Weird Affection, PhD.

Dr. Strangelove. It seems like Erin got that one.

She's a big Benedict Cumberbatch fan. Famously in Dr. Strangelove. Mind palace.

I do find him very sexy.

He rides that torpedo all the way to the ground. I have a question, and nobody probably knows this. Is the guy, Slim Pickens is the guy who writes the bomb down. Right. Is that that guy's real name? Or was that his character name? Was that like a stage name he gave himself?

That was, he's, I believe, was a singer of Folk Country. Slim Pickens? Yeah. And yeah, that was at least a stage name. I don't know if that's his real name.

Are you positing that a baby was born and they named that baby Slim Pickens? I don't know. I mean, it's gotta be a stage name.

Stranger Things have happened.

Blue Ivy. Yeah, we all watched Stranger Things Season 1, Adal. You don't have to keep reminding us that it happened.

I want to see a short scene. Jeffrey and JPC, you just had a baby, and you're spitballing names, and you just can't quite settle on one. I really like Wacko.

Yeah, I don't want to- It was my grandfather's name. I don't want to name a baby after your grandpa. He was a powerful movie executive.

He greenlit all about Eve.

I understand that, but also there's the rumors that he was a former Nazi. And so I want to get away from that, and also I kind of want to pick a name that's more gender neutral than wacko. Dave. I love that too.

Dave is on the table. Folks, I'm so sorry. Congratulations again. I do need to let you know that here at the hospital we do have a shot clock so you have 24 seconds left. 24 seconds left? To name the baby or else... Can I get a timeout? You have two timeouts. But know that during a timeout, Erin will sing. That's our nurse caretaker, Erin. So you have 24 seconds to name that baby.

I was almost done Broadway and then I fell down the stairs. I'll take a time in. I'll take a time in.

I'll take a time in. I'll take a time in. Time in is fine. What about something gender neutral like printer paper or website?

I really like website a lot.

I love website, okay.

I had a college professor named Dr. Website.

Dr. Website got me through most of college. Okay, excuse me sir, I know that you're just the Colonel Sanders is what you look like. Yes, Dr. Colonel Sanders. Dr. Colonel, do you have a first name?

Yes, M.D. And what does that stand for? Uh, most delicious.

Marilyn.

What's up? I love how I say what MD stands for and then Erin says Maryland.

I just couldn't think in my head. I was like, isn't that a state? And then I remembered.

Yeah, the state of Maryland. Remember that famous actress, Marilyn Monroe?

Marilyn Monroe.

Not as sexy.

Some like it hot.

I would love it if Maryland put out their new spokesperson, which was Marilyn Monroe. And it's just the shape of the state and the dress that you want.

It's a bowl of clam chowder on a bench.

Erin almost fell over. Erin almost fell over because she was imagining a dress blowing up for Marilyn Monroe.

That's so funny. I'm not crazy. You're all crazy. That was so funny. Someone draw it.

Jeffrey, a big part of this podcast is us convincing ourselves that we're not completely insane and that we're funny.

Somebody draw whatever state they think would look the sexiest in a Marilyn Monroe dress.

Florida. Big droopy dick.

No.

That's my favorite Looney Tune. Going down. Oh, droopy dick.

All right, let's think.

Idaho?

Idaho's got, yeah, a slender neck. Would look good in a high neck slender.

I feel like Nevada has a nice V line. Oh, nice. Nevada, Nevada. Nevada, Nevada. Adal wants to fuck Devon. Vermont.

Vermont. Vermont.

Oh, Vermont. Kentucky kind of laying down, doing like a hand prop.

I didn't think of horizontal.

What do you think the most fuckable state is?

What's that state that has that big sinkhole? The Grand Canyon?

Mars, what's the most fuckable part of LA?

Santa Monica.

Okay, good answer, good answer. Let's see Santa Monica on the board.

Also, my favorite Friends spinoff.

Where it's Santa and Monica at the mall.

Where she gets canonized.

It ran concurrent with Joey. They both made it four episodes in. They were canceled immediately.

Oh, I'd love to watch Santa Monica.

Honestly, Courtney Cox, at this stage in her career, could do Santa Monica. Just, you know, an alt-history version of the way that Friends went. I would like to see that.

I think it'd be a hit.

So, Courtney Cox, we know you're listening.

We know you're tied to a chair, being tortured by this vodka.

Alright, I'll give you guys another one. Yes, please. We deserve it. We're very good boys and girls. Let's go with this one. Baby Sheep Quietude. Baby Sheep Quietude. Lamb?

You, you, you? Me. You, me, and Dupree.

What's the last word?

Silence of the Lambs. And Erin, you got it exactly after me.

But I did say lambs before you said lambs.

That's true. I never said lambs.

Did you say lambs?

Check the tape. No.

You're the only one that said lambs. I want to see the briefest, this is going to be the briefest commercial. Erin and Jeffrey, you two are farmers. You are making a public commercial for your farm, which advertises the quietest lambs for sale. So it's just a quick commercial.

Do you have lambs that just won't shut up? Lambs that are all talk talk talk and telling you about their day in real time?

Well we have lambs here that we've put gags over their mouths.

This is my husband and he loves when things are quiet and the lambs are taking after him. Honey tell them how expensive these quiet ass lambs are.

We're about $2,000.

Is this an episode of Welcome to Lambville?

I feel like the next hit podcast is ASMR Animals. I'm going to tap my nails on this phone here in just a second. Giraffes have some of the longest mouths of any animal.

Elephants are pregnant for two years.

Emus can stick seven inches of their head into the ground at any time.

That's not right.

Anytime? Yeah, anytime. Any ground. Only in the morning. Don't talk to me until I've had my ground. Jesus Christ.

It's a bad show. If you listen to it, it's a bad show. Late evening.

Before sunset.

Rush hour.

Late evening. After midnight. After midnight. Midnight in Paris. Before evening. Late evening. After night court.

It's late evening, right? Is that what you said?

Late evening. Oh, late evening. Twilight. From dusk till dawn. From dusk. What'd you say?

Twilight. Ooh, nice one. Ooh, I gotta see a scene. Okay. Adal, you are a very handsome teenage vampire.

But give me a scene.

Adal, do you feel seen? I feel seen. You're a very handsome teenage vampire, and you're walking into a new high school to start afresh, and you're two kids, and you're not buying it. You're seeing through this.

Gotcha, gotcha.

Hello there, fellow students. My name is Cory. Cory Blood. Your name is Cory Blood? My name is Cory Blood. Don't mind my fidget spinner. Water bottle flip dab. You're a new student here, correct? I'm sorry? You're a new student here? I'm a new student and you're getting to know me.

Yeah, that's what we're doing.

We're talking right now.

Good, good. Why are you so sparkly?

Oh, I felt like I should dress up for the first day of school, and I bought some Bath and Body Works lotion.

Okay, can we be honest with you? We see through this act.

I'm sorry?

We see through this act. What act are you talking about? This is a werewolf school.

Oh, shit.

Yeah, Harry and I are both werewolves.

Your name is Harry and you're a werewolf? A little on the nose, coming from Cory Blood.

Yeah, don't throw stones if you live in a glass house, asshole. This is a glass house and the sunlight is coming in right now. Oh, shit. Yeah.

But sunlight doesn't kill you, correct?

Uh, no.

It just, like, makes you sparkle?

Makes me horny.

Oh, that explains the sparkles. Oh, oh no!

I'm getting horny!

This is a werewolf school, so we're always horny.

What's your name?

Uh, my name is... Why are you looking through notes?

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

My name is Tooth... Hair... Shirt.

Your name is Tooth Hair Shirt?

Yeah, yeah. I'm a werewolf as well. It's German. Yeah, it's German. I come from a family of German werewolves.

Well famously, martyrs wear hair shirts. Did you say wolf famously? What's up? Did you say wolf famously? That blitzer. Right? You saying to ask to name the most famous wolf? Yes, you passed the test. Yes. Yeah, yeah.

You're all ten minutes late to class. Go to where you need to be.

Oh no, the full moon.

I love how he said sexy vampire and Adal immediately was like, what?

Would you like another bowl of Count Chocula? Sexy is subjective. That's my saying. I had that tattooed on my arm underneath that barbed wire. Sexy is subjective. I find Boris Karloff sexy. No, he was a freaking sign.

I would love to see a cut of Twilight that's just Adal dubbed over all of Edward's lines in that voice. Same dialogue, just that voice. Bella, I don't think you...

I want to fuck you, but I'm afraid! I also love how Jeffrey came in here and we're like, you're fine with scenes, right? And then every riddle that he's done, we've been like, okay, no, Jeffrey, we want to see a scene where you're- Another scene, big man.

One of the top podcasts, huh? Do another fucking scene. Let's do you're an Australian pirate. We're crabs in a bucket. We're drawing you down. Let's see you right your way out of this one.

We want to see a scene you have 15 minutes. Absent alongside a high-pressure air system.

Absent along a high-pressure air system.

Absent alongside a high-pressure air system. My best friend's conditioner. My best friend's air conditioner.

Marlon Brando. I gotta see a scene. Let's just see a scene directly. We'll jump right into it. Adal, Erin, this is a scene from the movie My Best Friend's Air Conditioner.

I can't believe you're getting married.

Yeah. Him and I are very happy together. It's summer. It's New York City. He keeps me cold. I keep him from falling out the window and killing people.

Yeah, but doesn't he like run up your electric bill? Like, you should be with me. Baby, you should be with me.

You've been my friend forever, and you're doing this now?

I'm so sorry. I know you're walking down the aisle and I'm walking alongside of you crab-like, but... Baby, you gotta... you gotta stay with me.

But it's air conditioning. It's gonna be warm forever.

I'll fan you. I'll fan you off.

But it's their connection.

We do a cut shot of the audience where it's the air conditioner's parents who are sitting there in the pews, waiting for them to be married. Jeffrey, we're going to be playing the air conditioner's parents. And that was humans playing Raspberries? I thought I saw a false seed.

What was the clue again? Oh fuck, yeah.

Absent alongside a high pressure air system. Without?

Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan on the episode

Alongside.

So what's the opposite? So what's the opposite of absent? It's not opposite, it's synonyms. Fuck, that's why I'm mad.

Why are you eating a cinnamon roll?

I'm eating a cinnamon toast crutch.

Absent?

Absent.

Gone.

Gone girl. Gone with the wind. Damn, that's a good one.

Damn. That's a good one. That's a really good one.

Yeah, it's the only good one.

No.

OK, I went too far. I misread the room. I want to take that back. Frankly, my darling, I don't give a damn.

I don't give a blub. A few enjoy extreme warmth. Some like it hot.

Maryland Monroe.

Hot hot clam chowder.

That's going to be the weirdest fan art we ever get with all the states dressed sexy.

Nice buds. Air bud.

Air Bud! Something Friends.

Super Jaime. Nice Buds. Nice Buds. Kind. Good Friends. Horrible Bosses.

Kind.

Nice Buds.

Nice.

Is it Something Friends?

This is not. Okay. Nice Buds, Good Pals. I could've probably gone with, like, nice bros as well. Nice bros. Nice bros.

Oh, stepbrothers. Stepbrothers. Nice bros.

Nice bros. Nice pals.

Indicating a gender there.

A few good men.

Oh, that's pretty good. That's not bad.

That's not bad. Yeah, it would be, like, several bros or something like that. Fuck. Nice bros.

Boy, you're so close, though, in terms of the wording you used there. Oh, really? A few good. A few.

Which is one of the words I used correct? Good. Good guys finish last.

The good guys. That's also good. I don't know that movie. It's Will Ferrell, right?

That's the Mark Wahlberg. I've never seen it.

Neither have I. So one word movie title. Goodfellas. There you go. Oh, nice. But that could have gone so many different directions. Those were all excellent guesses. Turns out movies is easy. Yeah, movies is awesome. They have lots of good movies. Knife Jogger.

Blade Runner. That one's fun. Knife Jogger.

That's also how- that's the Black Dahlia killer.

The Knife Jogger?

Yeah, the Knife Jogger.

Okay, so Adaline, I want to see a scene. You are going to be a police commissioner. We are all going to be police officers, and you are going to be briefing us on catching the Knife Jogger. Okay, this is a killer at large.

Have we caught the monster yet?

Yeah, boss. Have we caught him? Shouldn't we know? Everyone please have a seat. I am in charge. Commissioner Gordon speaking. There's only two chairs.

Well, I'll stand.

Whoever can't... What'd you say? I'll stand. Look at the frickin' martyr over here.

Jesus Christ.

Walking among us. Wearing a hair shirt. Alright, now I need to tell you about a killer that's making its mark on the scene. It's Mark. I'm sorry? It's Mark. We don't know it's the gender of the person. Or the species. We don't know that it's a human. It could be a python. Could it be a predator? Well, we always catch a predator. I fucking hate that I set you up for that. I've lost all control of this room. Now, I need you to not laugh at the name we've given this killer. Now, you might find it funny, but the victim's families are watching through this two-way mirror, so please don't laugh.

Gosh, I hope it's not too silly.

I feel enormous pressure. The name we have is Old Stabby Sweatpants. We know the killer wears sweatpants. We found the fibers of some Wilson Athletics pants.

Famously, if you name a killer, people care more and it gets the public's attention. So I'm all for naming it, but Stabby Sweatpants.

Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, so it's O-L apostrophe. Oh, Stabby Sweatpants. I had O-L-E in my head. I was thinking O-L-E. I like that better. Let's make it like a tavern. What number is seven dozen?

Seven times two. Seven times twelve.

You think... Hold on. Hold on.

Shut up! Everybody be quiet. I'm doing math in my head.

It's one of the best math cups we've got.

Seven dozen.

A transfer from Boston.

Seventy-two.

What about a baker's dozen? Seven baker's dozen.

If it's as big as a dozen ten or eleven.

What about cheaper by the dozen?

That's Steve Martin and twelve kids.

Name the kids.

The brunette girl. The one who was on Smallville.

Gun. Badge. Keep them. Wouldn't seventy-two be six dozen?

I've had enough of you! Seventy-two times two times... How many trombones in the Music Man? Seventy-six.

And what is the name of the Philadelphia basketball team?

The 76ers.

And when was the Gold Rush?

Let's do two more and then we'll take a break yeah let's do that uh let's go with this the capital of Alaska spelled phonetically

Juno. There you go. And let's close on this one. Please leave. Get out. There you go. Oh, nice one. Get out. Nice.

Wow. Owen Wilson, wow.

We're gonna take a quick break. We'll be right back with more Puzzies and Riddies with Jeffrey Cranor.

Whoa, who's that new hunk? He's dressed so well. Whoa, look at him. He is dressed so well.

You guys, you're looking in a mirror.

Oh, I thought that was like Vince Quince or something. Yeah, that's us. We look amazing. I thought that was like Quince Diesel or something. We look like that?

Yes, it's because you are wearing your new quince high quality wardrobe staples. Look at you, Adalyn, your 100% Mongolian cashmere sweater. And JPC, you look incredible in this button down if I do say so myself.

Wow, our styles are truly timeless, versatile, and designed to become dependable pieces that we will reach for day after day.

Also, everything at Quince is priced 50-80% less than similar brands, and they work directly with ethical factories and cut out the middlemen, so you're paying for high quality, not brand markup. And Erin, you're doing the splits!

Look at me go. And it's not just clothing. Quince brings the same approach to everything they make, from hotel quality bedding and bath to kitchen essentials and thoughtfully designed furniture. They make well-designed pieces for everyday living. I'm about to move, and my Quince cart is filled with stuff that's going to make my home stylish without breaking the bank.

Did someone say Vince Quince?

Whoa!

Yeah, like five minutes ago.

Yeah, like a long time ago.

Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com slash riddle. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash riddle. Vince Quince out. Bye Vince Quince. Did somebody say Quince Diesel? No. No. Come on, man.

You don't know what you've got until it's gone. You guys, I legitimately had terrible sleep last night. I'm staying in an Airbnb while the AC gets fixed in my place. And guess what? I missed my bed. I missed my Helix mattress. I have a Midnight Luxe. And guess what? I couldn't bring it to the Airbnb with me. I wish I had appreciated it more. I wish I had told it. I wish I had told my mattress.

Did someone say miss my mattress? It's me, the Helix Sleep mascot, Sympathy Steve.

Oh, hey, Sympathy Steve. Did you win Miss My Mattress, the competition?

Isn't he mattress? I did. Sympathy Steve. And while I can't give you a Helix mattress because, you know, that'd be insane if I was just a guy who gave out Helix mattresses, I can say it sucks what you're going through.

Yeah, it does suck. Helix is the best. They deliver your mattress right to your door with free shipping in the U.S. You get a 120-night sleep trial and limited lifetime warranty. So what's the risk? And they also have the Happy with Helix guarantee. Rest easy with seamless returns and exchanges.

Whoa, Sympathy Steve, you have a tattoo on your leg. It says, Helix is the most awarded mattress brand, tested and reviewed by experts like Forbes and Wired.

And I won't tell you what that's covering up. It was worse. But what I will tell you to do is go to helixsleep.com slash riddle for the Labor Day best of web sale that's running now until September 13th. It's 27% off sitewide, and that is exclusive for listeners of Hey Riddle Riddle. That's helixsleep.com slash riddle for the Labor Day best of web sale. Helixsleep.com slash riddle. I can't empathize with you, but I can sympathize with you. We're exes.

We don't have time for the lore of this, unfortunately.

And we're back with more Lady Gaga singing in a Stormtrooper helmet. I'm getting worse at this. I'm on a B-mail. Oh, boy. We're going to do some Puzzies and Riddies. I'm going to take on the mantle of Old Man Puzzies.

This is the first time we've ever had an OMP introduction halfway through the episode.

Absolutely. Well, Jeffrey wanted to be put in the hot seat.

No, no, no. That's not what he said. What he said was, I'm smarter than all of you motherfuckers, and I'll solve every riddle.

He broke a beer glass over his head.

We really like to set up our guests for massive success.

Here you go. Here's the first one. A man gets onto an elevator. When the elevator stops, he knows his wife is dead.

She was under the elevator. His wife is an elevator repair person.

I think I know the answer to this, so I'm going to brag about it.

The elevator is to heaven, and his wife is dying.

Yeah, Led Zeppelin updated their song. Kind of like The Smiths updated... Oh, thank God.

Yeah, I love it when people update their songs.

Hey now, you're a cool guy.

Hey now, you're a has-been.

Hey now, you're in the Pro Bowl.

That's awesome.

That's so awesome. They should make a bespoke version for every, like, whatever sport calls the All-Star Game.

I mean, what else are they doing? They're opening up Guy Fieri-themed restaurants at the Minnesota State Fair.

Can I guess?

Or should we wait for them?

I mean, that's the show, Erin.

That's a fucking show.

I think that actually, Erin, I think that since you know it, it's the cool move, the hostly move, is to give Jeffrey a chance to figure it out as well. Good point. She was under the elevator. Okay, Erin, now after what I can only apologize for happened, I believe it's now time for you to... And that's my favorite Dave Matthews B-side, is under the elevator and dying. How confident do you think you are in this answer?

I'm like 70... No, I'm like 64%. 69% confident is what you're looking for, so there we go.

Okay, can you read it one more time, Adal? A man gets onto an elevator. When the elevator stops, he knows his wife is dead.

Does the elevator- do the elevator's doors open up to like a dead body of his wife?

No. But that's a terrible guess. Let me give them one hint and then we can hear your guess. So, what type of building the elevator is in plays a huge part in this.

Okay. Is it a hospital?

It's a hospital. Okay. So use that logic to... Oh, okay.

So, I think I know it then. I think I know it.

Let's hear it. Or, Erin, let's have you have the first stab at it.

What if I got it totally wrong? So his wife is on life support and he's on the elevator and then it stops because the power goes out in the building? What the fuck?

No, she was under the elevator.

I said Jeffrey Cranor. My guess was that they were like, oh, let's go see your wife. And then he gets in the elevator and the door's open. It's the morgue.

Oh, yeah, that might be.

I was going to guess that he was in the morgue, but then you said hospital, so. I like that answer better. But Erin was correct. He's leaving a hospital after visiting his wife, who's on life support. The power goes out, stopping the elevator, and he guessed the life support system, too. I would love if the elevator stops and he just assumes she's dead and just goes home. That marriage was a good one. 30 years later, she's like, I was alive.

Hospitals famously don't have backup generators, so one power surge kills everyone in the hospital.

It says here he assumes that the emergency backup generator were working, the elevator wouldn't lose power either.

Oh, interesting. Yeah, boss, when we want to reroute this thing, we could do it so just the elevator has the power, or the whole hospital keeping people alive has the power.

Sorry, I'm busy watching my TV shows on my computer. Do whatever you want!

TV shows? That's porn!

It has a plot.

Oh, I'm sorry, this is Game of Thrones.

This is season two. This is Game of Thrones porn. Oh, I gotta see a scene. This is gonna be a Game of Thrones parody pod of scene. I almost said podcast.

Do it! I gotta see a scene. This is a Game of Thrones parody podcast and go. It's a new idea. We're running with a brand new idea.

This is called Dame of Bones. So Erin, you're playing a Dame Judi Jensen. No, you're playing a Dame. JPC, you are the aforementioned Bones. And this is the setup before the sex.

Gotcha. So my name is Dave. I am the puppeteer. Basically what I do is I use my hands and these strings to manipulate the dragon's penis.

And do you get turned on in the scene?

I am a eunuch. In the scene? I'm sorry?

In the scene?

In the scene I'm just Dave and I pop myself into that.

But like you as an actor, like in porn, so will you finish?

Oh, yes, but the way that I finish is by manipulating these puppeteering tools to stimulate the dragon's erection. I personally won't finish, but I will finish for the dragon. You understand what this is. I'm going to pop up into this dragon's penis. I'm a puppeteer. My name is Dave. I'm a eunuch, which is a thing that shouldn't exist anymore. But it's science, you know.

Nothing's ever been clearer for me. I'm ready.

I was chemically castrated. Action.

You come in here thinking that you can be a dragon at me. Are you trying to poison me or kill me? See, Dave, I see you getting turned on right now. Do you get turned on by being a puppeteer?

That wasn't me being turned on. I was trying to eat a shrimp while I was doing this and it was just lodged, just caught in the back of my throat. I shouldn't try to eat the jumbo shrimp. And take these shrimps away from me. Thank you. Action.

You come in here, big dragon. You're trying to kill me and poison me and take my... Yeah, Dave, I see you. I'm so sorry. So horny in there, bud. Just so, so horny.

That's a page from my wife. She's in labor. Not for pregnancy. She's in a labor camp. She was kidnapped.

Oh, I finished.

I want to cut to a scene with Dave the eunuch and this is him and his his buddy doing a almost like an Abbott and Costello routine on the road for vaudeville okay I'm sorry to bother you sir but I'm looking for my friend Nick eunuch and this is what a dryer would sound like A man fell off a smuggling boat into deep water.

He could not swim, and he was not a swim fan, and he was not wearing anything to keep him afloat.

It took 30 minutes for the people on the boat to realize someone was missing. The missing man was rescued two hours later on the return trip. Why didn't he drown?

I can't tell. It's like a little Judy Garland. It's like Ethel Merman. It's Ethel Merman.

It's Ethel Merman.

A star is born, Fred. Okay, I was too busy thinking of my great joke to remember much about the riddle.

That should be the name of this podcast. I was too busy thinking about my great joke.

To be a good friend and a supportive listener.

Can we get that on a t-shirt?

Yes, that's our new graphic.

It's a composite of all of our faces. I was too busy thinking about my good joke.

Adal, are there hints that come along with this one?

There are not, but I will answer some questions. So just to reiterate the important bullet points here. Man fell off a smuggling boat into deep water. He could not swim. He wasn't wearing anything to keep him afloat. He was rescued 30 minutes later and was still alive. How?

What were they smuggling? Were they smuggling smaller boats?

Were they smuggling life vests? Was it a life vest smuggling boat? Nope.

A buoy?

No?

A balloon.

Did he get wet when he fell in the ocean? Was he wet the whole time? I mean, I don't want to answer this.

Whatever floats your buoy. Make eye contact with me and answer it. He was wet. Was he submerged? He, I mean, his body was in water. Okay, okay, okay.

His body was in water.

I can't speak to if he was fully submerged the whole time. Sure. But his body was in water.

Were they smuggling scuba gear?

They were not. So nothing the boat was carrying had life vests or buoys. So was what they were smuggling important? To me, it is. To the Riddle, no. But to me, it is. Was he the only one who fell off the boat? Yes. Oh, that's a good thing that somebody fell off with him. Like his Siamese twin. Or his swimming instructor.

I prefer Siamese twins.

And just swim, and swim.

Was the water deep enough for him to drown? And swim.

That sounds like a beer campaign.

Was the water deep enough for him to drown? Uh, yes.

Okay, so he could- That'd be so funny if he was just standing. He's like, knee-deep.

Sir, it's low tide. They're on a smuggling boat in, what are those called at water parks? Like the Whirlpool Zone? Slides. Slides! Yeah, I'm a fucking idiot. What's it called at a water park? Soda Fountain. Thank you. Soda Fountain. I'm a fucking moron.

What's that thing I do into DMs?

I find water slides pretty scary. Like, I would rather go on a roller coaster than one of those, like, really steep tunnel slides that, like, water splashes up your face for like a minute. Somebody just died on a water slide. Seriously.

Yeah. Every ten minutes. No. Every ten minutes somebody dies on a water slide.

See that? It's just, like, the not breathing scares me.

Erin, would you rather go down a water slide or a wet roller coaster?

A wet rollercoaster.

You don't know why it's wet, and it shouldn't be.

Well, same with me, rollercoaster. This is the bluest episode ever.

I heard a Kenny Chesney song and now my rollercoaster's wet.

You and me both, gal. Don't know why we're wet.

We are vibing right now, Erin. Centrifugal force.

So gross. I'm so sorry, everybody.

Jeffrey, you've listened to the show, and my question to you is why. And Jeffrey, we're sorry.

Also, you know I'm not this gross normally, right, everybody?

Yeah.

Adal?

You being on this show constitutes as an apology from all of us. Erin's nickname is Terry because she's so fucking gross.

Nice.

Wow. That was very cool.

I love her.

A man fell off a smuggling boat into deep water. He could not swim and was not wearing anything to keep him afloat. It took him 30 minutes for people on the boat to realize someone was missing. The missing man was rescued two hours later on the trip. Why didn't he drown?

He couldn't swim.

He was in root beer. Was he being towed behind the boat in some way? Uh, he was being towed, which is when somebody puts their big toe in your butthole. Yes. That's called towing someone's West Bronx.

Is that real?

Is that real?

You guys would tell me that was real, right?

It's entrapment if you don't tell me that towing someone... This is like Miracle on 34th Street, but with sexual acts.

You would have to tell me.

Tell me it's real. Jeffrey, what do we think? So he wasn't tied to the boat in any way.

He was not tied to the boat. I will say what matters about this riddle is location, location, location. But the water was deep enough for him to drown.

What's those things in the ocean that come up?

Sharks.

Was he in the Dead Sea where he was buoyant?

My man, JPC. Yes! He fell into the Dead Sea, which lies between the countries of Israel and Jordan. The water is so salty. How salty is it? And dense that anyone in it can float very easily.

And technically I should not have given the answer to that because the Dead Sea is getting pretty close to Israel. And you're not telling anyone what to do. I'm not telling Jewish people what to do. Oh my gosh. Anymore.

That was a good one. I actually liked that Riddle.

A rare moment. Is the Dead Sea the only place, and Erin this question is for you.

You're looking right at me.

Is the Dead Sea the only place where that level of salt makes you buoyant?

I think the Salton Sea in California. I really like that too. It's so super salty. But I think it's a similar thing where you could float on it. I guess I could probably float on Erin's cooking then.

How dare you?

It's salt soup! It's salt soup! That's my mistake. I wish I hadn't have ordered that. You take the piss, you take the salt, salt soup. Can you float on soup?

Alright, modest mouse over here.

Alright. We all float, dude. Somebody should mash up Matthew McConaughey and float on and have it be, all right, all right, all right, all ready. We all float on.

That's incredible. Someone do that.

Someone do that. And also Erin said someone should make a Wanted poster.

Oh yeah.

For old, stabby sweatpants. Honestly, I think that we should just rename this podcast.

And have it be JBC Space! Have it be JBC Space!

This podcast should just be called Someone Do That. Someone Draw. Yeah. And we saw a big drop off on people following instructions.

That could be our next podcast is just called Someone Draw. We'll do a bunch of improv scenes that we want people to draw.

Someone Do This. We won't. We never will. We don't have the time or energy, but you do, right? Friends? How are we feeling? We want another one? Yes. Let's see here. A man is in a dark room having a great time. Suddenly, he stops breathing and can't speak. In a matter of moments, his breathing and ability to speak returns to him. What happened? Autorhotic asphyxiation. He's jerking himself off with a belt.

After he comes, he loosens the belt. He can breathe again. This is the only singer in excess. Michael Hodgson. Done.

Haunted house, roller coaster, he's a bat Does the man have a heart attack?

Is there a medical reason?

There is. Medical is a strong word for it, but I guess it's apropos. Is there a health reason? Is that a better word for it? To some degree. There's something happening. It's not necessarily like an organ is failing him, but something's going on that would require someone possibly to receive some sort of medical help.

Choking?

That is correct, but I need to know the full... Oh, okay. There's more to it. So a man is in a dark room having a great time. Suddenly, he stops breathing and can't speak. In a manner of moments, his breathing and ability to speak returns to him. What happened?

Is he choking because he's got a belt around his neck and he's... Oh my God. He's watching... Yeah. Is he eating chicken wings in a dark room? That's Nashville Hot.

That's the definition of Nashville Hot chicken is to eat in a dark room, choke on chicken bones, mom a gas. It's his birthday.

That's the saddest thing. He's the best voice of all time.

I thought you were setting up Erin to sing again.

We're basically trying to find the dark room, right?

We're trying to pin down what the dark room is and why he was choking and then suddenly was fine again. Because he was choking and then he was then able to speak and breathe again. Pop movie.

He's eating popcorn, choking in a movie theater.

He's watching Pop Star Never Stop Stopping. Never Stop Choking.

Never Stop Choking. Was it a movie theater? Is that correct?

It is a movie theater. So we have two of the three components. He was choking in a movie theater. And now I just need to know why he stopped choking eventually and was able to continue watching the movie. He was choking on ice. Oh, it's a popcorn.

Someone gave him ice. Yeah, he was choking on ice.

He was choking on ice, which was his boyfriend's name he was giving him. Give it to them. The ice melted and he was able to breathe again. That sucks.

What was he doing?

You'd probably suffocate before ice would melt, right?

So I'm assuming he wasn't sucking up ice through a straw. I'm assuming he had nothing but ice left in his cup and he was tipping it back into his mouth to eat the ice. Man, if I saw a guy doing that in the fucking movies, I'd hope he died.

I know people who would, friends who are at a cafeteria in college or something, would just get a cup full of ice and chew on it. Who do you know? Who are you hanging out with? Let me see those hands. Name all the people you know. JPC, Erin. Let's do one final more.

A man is dead in a room with a small pile of woodchips and sawdust in the corner.

That's all we have to go off of. A man is dead in a room with a small pile of wood chips and sawdust in the corner. Did he bite the dust? This is the Queen song.

Another one bites the Rhapsody. Is there a riddle to this? It just sounds like a declarative statement.

It is a declarative statement. We have to kind of reverse engineer what happens. I cannot stress enough this real bad. This is the most garbage answer.

Okay.

Is everything else structurally in the room intact? Yes. So there's a pile of, you said sawdust and what?

A dead man. There's a dead man in the room with a small pile of wood chips and sawdust in the corner. Now I'll say, I'll give you, I probably need to feed a lot of hints into this ATM machine style. So, the wood chips and the sawdust both came from one item. There was an item, it's been, part of it, partially, has been turned into wood chips and sawdust. And it would be an item the old man used. Not the old man, the dead man, I'm sorry.

Is this a taxidermy situation where they're stuffing him with wood chips and sawdust?

No. Dammit.

But whatever killed him is made of what? A tree?

Not whatever killed him, but something that led to his death.

Does he have any visible marks on his body?

He has some birthmarks. He also slept in his car, so he has an impression of the car seat on the side of his face. Is there anything else in the room? Um, let me... Is how he died important? Yes, very much so.

Would he be embarrassed about the way he died?

Boy, that's hard to say. Because I don't know him.

Yeah.

And his thresholds. Here's what I'll say. We should focus on the circumstances that led to his death.

Okay.

And his death, he was alone when he died, so he probably punched his own ticket.

Did he cough up the sawdust in the woodchips? Uh, no.

He was blowing Groot. I am Groot!

He accidentally went through a woodchipper.

Did he go through a woodchipper? He did not go through a woodchipper. His body's intact. I guarantee you this is the worst riddle we've ever done. Ready for the answer? And you know how, have you ever done, what's the, I forget the name for it, like when you watch a TV show for the, if you're the test audience for a TV show, what's that called, focus group?

Focus group, yeah.

I want you to pretend you're a focus group, and if you've ever done that, you have a dial in front of you that's like zero to 10, and as you, the whole time you have to move that dial, depending on what you see on screen. So as I give this answer, I want you with like a noise or something, with how frustrated you are, to go from zero to 10 vocally. Got it, zero.

From zero to zero.

The dead man is a blind...

The dead man- Jeffrey just farted. The dead man is a blind dwarf.

5, 10, 10, 10.

Dead man is a blind dwarf, the shortest one in the circus. Another dwarf was jealous because he was not as short. He began sawing small pieces of the other dwarf's cane every night. When he used his cane each morning, it appeared to him that he was growing taller. Since his only income is from being a circus midget, he decides to kill himself when he gets too tall.

Well, I'm glad that we'll never have to do that one on the show again.

Jeffrey, did you have a good time? I had a great time. You're giving two thumbs down.

Do you know what great time means? I'm making fart noises.

You're turning your dial to zero. Jeffrey, anything you would like to plug or to give a shout out to?

Yeah, shout out to, start with this. It's the new podcast Joseph Fink and I made. It is a nonfiction podcast where we talk about writing and we give you assignments. We give you things to do to help inspire your writing. That's so cool.

It is fantastic.

Homework. And they're short and we have a members forum that people can go on and share their stuff and give feedback and talk about their ideas and hopefully find cool collaborators.

Hell yeah.

That's very cool.

JP, is there anything you want to plug? Sure. You can follow me on Twitter at JPsofly. You can follow me at Instagram at sharkbarkman. You can always send in riddles to us, so we'll never have to read riddles like that again. It's hrrpodcast at gmail.com. We love original riddles, so if you want to write them yourself, you know, of your own hand and send them in, that's awesome as well.

Yeah, handwritten. I want to see it in your handwriting.

Please scan in handwritten riddles and send them in. I promise if one person does that, the first person that does it, I will pick that riddle. We'll definitely do that one on the show. You can also find our TeePublic store. Just search Hey Riddle Riddle at TeePublic. And then you can listen to our Patreon. It's patreon.com slash heyriddleriddle. Give us $5 a month and then you'll get a bonus episode every Friday.

Erin, anything to promote?

Follow me, Erin Keif10, on Instagram and come see Us and World News at 8 and 10. But also come see Wet Bus, which is every Thursday at 10pm. It's me and a lot of my best friends. And it's very different from everything else that I do. So every Hey Riddle Riddle fan that's come so far has been like...

They're weird, different. It's like, whoa, this is good improv.

You listen to the show where you do bad shit.

Yeah, it's a lot more earnest.

I want to give a shout out and a huge, huge thank you to the person who's been helping us this whole weekend while we're in LA. Mars, thank you so much. You can check out Mars on the podcast All Fantasy Everything. Mars, anything else to plug or anything? Punch Up The Jam, which is phenomenal. What was it? And why won't you date me? That's one of my favorites. So thank you so much to Mars, and to HeadGum for having us, and again for Jeffrey Cranor for being on the show. I have one final question, which is, Erin, Gwyneth Paltrow has this famous company that she gives beauty products on and whatnot. That company actually comes from a different planet, and its planet's name is? Jupiter. What's the name of the company? Do you know Gwyneth Paltrow's company? Fuck, Erin. Does she have a child named Apple? She has a company, a website. What is it? And then if that were a planet, it would be what?

Goop-iter. It'd be Goop-iter, wouldn't it?

It'd be Goop-iter, wouldn't it?

Wouldn't it? I panicked. I was so... I didn't want to disappoint you and I forgot the name. It was Goop-iter.

I tried to do something fun.

She sells rich women vitamins that cost like $300.

Well, this is the last episode. She sells rich... that's a... Goop-iter! Bye forever.

That was a hate gum podcast.