Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Hey Riddle Riddle, a cat in a fiddle. This is JPC. You're hearing my voice on this week's Hey Riddle Riddle because Adal Rifai has died. He was shot and killed by a police horse who was avenging the death of his brother and Erin is attending the funeral. So it is a solo. So just two of us together.

Two friends hanging out doing a podcast.

Puzzbot? Can we call it a puzzcast? Puzzbot, listen to me. I said I'm covering the intro. I said I need about 15 minutes. I said do not come... Erin? What is the laugh there?

His funeral was so boring. I'm so sorry. It was just like people being sad.

He died like he lived.

Boring. This was my chance. This was my shot, okay?

I think people were going to roast Adal and know everyone was saying nice stuff.

I can't believe his tombstone said, I'm with stupid with an arrow pointing down. That's okay. Well, you know, what a goof.

On the day that Adal dies, killed by that police horse, it's still all about him. Unbelievable. Classic Adal.

I needed this. Let's do a seance to try to bring Adal back.

I want to see a seance. Okay. Pussbot, call the seance. It's more of an observation. Have you ever noticed that world's best dad mugs sometimes say world's number one dad? In your human language, number one means 2P. So aren't you really saying world's pissed dad? If the mug says world's number one dad, isn't it really saying world's piss dad?

I want Adal back. I do too.

And also, I feel like I'm getting some shade for drinking out of a cup that says number one piss daddy. Which by the way, I won this cup fair and square. I beat a lot of other piss daddies for this thing.

Let's say a phrase that will bring Adal back. We'll say it three times and this will bring Adal back.

Almost like a Beetlejuice situation, which is his favorite movie. And his 50th favorite Broadway play.

Okay, let's see.

What's a phrase that will bring Adal to us? We have to think about something that will entice him back from the grave.

Um, what does he say a lot? He says... Oh, come on. ...by forever.

He says... Yeah, he says that. Yeah, by forever. He says by forever. He calls people ridiots. He calls people ridiots. He says, no shit all Sherlock.

He goes, what was that?

He says, does that make sense?

Yeah, he says, I'm sorry, we were doing improv. I said a premise and you said no to that?

Yeah, that's something that he said.

Cool, let's pump the brakes.

It sounds like we're picking on Adal. He's dead.

Let's say what was that three times, ready? What was that?

What was that? What was that?

Adal, you're back!

You're going to make Mountain Dew?

I want Adal back. Adal!

It's me. Wow, you burst out of that Puzzbot. Yeah, I crawled my way out of hell and threw Puzzbot.

Nice!

That's probably a boring story.

Let's get started.

Well, boring, but spelled...well, spelled the same way, but different meaning. He's back. I bored my way out of...see, sometimes to bore is to dig.

I want Puzzbot back.

Did we already start the episode? Yeah. It's our one year anniversary. Oh, shit. Oh, wow. All Sherlock. A full year? Well, it's not all Sherlock.

Great.

We made it a full... We made it a full year.

Wow. It's hard to believe because it feels like a thousand years. Really? Yeah.

Hmm. I was thinking more of... Huh. Did we graduate? I don't know. What's this reference? Just vitamin C? This is vitamin C. This is my graduation song. Is Erin trying to tell if she has a son?

It's been a nice year. It's been a good year.

It's been a good year. A hundred episodes. Call us a blimp, because it's been a good year.

What was everyone's favorite moment from the year? Hey Riddle Riddle-wise.

Oh, I guess so.

Oh, I didn't have any of those. Oh, yeah, I know. I had a lot of personal favorite moments of the year. Mmm, details. I took a donut from a squirrel.

You took a donut back from a squirrel.

Back from a squirrel. He took it from a boy and I took it from myself. I think you're just channeling JP Riddles right back. I had no good donut for the squirrel. JP Riddles would eat the squirrel. So that's my favorite moment is when JP Riddles ate that squirrel live on camera.

Yeah. Well Erin, what's your favorite moment?

I liked meeting a lot of the fans, and I also loved how much I've gotten to laugh in the last year.

Yeah. Adal. How much you've gotten to laugh. I love the way you phrased that. Yeah, I think the success of the show, the success of the Patreon, and the fans and their reactions has been a highlight of my life. Not just this year, but my life. My life. Same.

Yeah, I'm trying to think of like, there are so many great moments. What tops it for me is that we all have puppets made in our likeness, which is just insane and these are my puppets thing to have. But that's something that I have now. Do you think that I could ever take that puppet and sneak it into a performance of Avenue Q and then wear all black and then during the show just get up on stage and start having that puppet just perform as I'm in Avenue Q? JBC, I don't say this to disparage you. Yes, please, please. Absolutely. Yes, absolutely, yes. I think I have enough confidence that I could do that. I don't know the musical well enough to know what my song would be, but I think I could just be like a...do a walk-on.

The internet is for porn.

I'm sure no musical that's been around for 20 years is going to notice a new character popping up.

Not a new character, but just like a...because there's like on the avenue. I think during the opening number, maybe I just like do a little quick walk-on. You know, no lies.

I don't think you're dreaming big enough. I think it shouldn't be Avenue Q. I think it should be like Layman. Layman. The Lion King.

No, not even a musical, just a straight play.

One day more, I'm a puppy on! Haggis, don't say... Haggis, don't say... Haggis, don't say... Haggis, don't say... Haggis, don't say... Yeah, Frankie and Johnny just pop on. I would love to sneak onto a play. That's on my bucket list. To sneak on stage during a play.

Bonus points if it's a show about teenagers. Bonus points if it's like Mean Girls.

Hell yeah. An all-female show.

Adal, I think it makes sense that you're Old Man Puzzles because you were the first one in the first episode and now you're the last one of the year.

In the last episode? Last one of the year. Yeah, I guess this is the end of one calendar year. Yeah. No, that's wrong.

No, not a calendar year, but an anniversary.

A what?

A nursery? An anniversary.

Yeah. Yeah. What are we looking forward to in the coming year?

JBC, though. Okay. Don't jump on that. I wasn't going to, but now that you mentioned it, what am I looking forward to in the coming year?

I'm going to secret something.

You're going to secret something?

Yeah, I hope. I'm putting it out into the universe. I hope within the next year, so between now and next July, I hope we get to do a live show in Boston. That would be my number one goal for this podcast is getting to go there and do a live show there.

Here's what I'll put out there is a lot of times with Hey Riddle Riddle with Magic Tavern, fans will just be like, come to blank. And they feel like that's how touring works. We need a theater to invite us out. So if you live in Boston and you know someone or know a theater, maybe write to them and suggest that they bring us out. If you live in Boston and you think you know a theater, get some friends.

Cuz that theater ain't your friend. My best friend in high school was an AMC. You told me it was an ATM.

I told you I did ATM in an AMC. I'm ready. So the first one, this is going to be kind of a fun thing. I'll be the judge of that.

Adal, what are you looking forward to in the next year?

I'm looking forward to meeting more listeners.

Erin answered the question herself and then she said, I'm ready.

Let's move on. I'm excited to, yeah, I think along the lines of touring, I just want to meet more listeners and ideally come to their part of the town or they come to Chicago or they come to see us somewhere else. I think that my favorite thing about doing podcasts is, one, fan art is always my favorite thing. Or fart as you call it. I call it farts. And also just meeting the people who listen and appreciate us.

Oh, I changed my mind. I know what my favorite moment of the last year is. Is everyone drawing Wizzy, my pretend friend?

That was very emotional. What's been your least favorite moment of the last year?

Probably YouTube being a bunch of jerks and, like, teasing me all the time.

Yeah, Bono and Edge were pretty harsh on you.

Yeah. You two, yeah, and Larry Mullins Jr. They kind of really fucking gave it to you.

The band you two is bullying me.

That would be fun. I'm gonna secret something out of the universe as well. This is something I would like to make happen within the next year of the show. I would love to do a live show in Indianapolis for some of my friend's dogs.

I think we can do that next weekend dude. Here's a little riddle for you. Here's a little riddle for you. Plenty of sheets, but no bed in sight. It can cut you, but it doesn't bite. Oh, sheet sheets motherfucker.

Can you read it one more time?

Plenty of sheets, but no bed in sight. It can cut you, but it doesn't bite.

Um, like sheets of paper, like a book.

Erin, you nailed it. Is it a book? Just like Jesus Christ, you nailed it. Oh, yikes. Um... Jesus Christ didn't nail anything. Erin, that's sacri... Erin, I loved the show today, but Adal said something that was sacrilegious. It is our paper anniversary, so all the riddles I read are gonna be on a piece of paper. The answer will be book.

Was it a book?

No, the answer was paper. It's a paper anniversary. It's not the book anniversary. That's two years. Sorry? Two years. It's the book anniversary. It's been one year. Book it, Dano. Is that fun? Yeah, that's fun. Did you say book it, Dano? Yeah. Nice topical reference for all the teens out there. Dano, all my hair just grows for tonight. Are we ready for some main course riddles? Yes. I put a T in riddles. That doesn't sound right. Main course. In 1996, the British government was faced with the task of slaughtering many thousands of healthy cattle in order to allay fears over the disease BSE or mad cow disease. What proposal did the government of Cambodia make to help solve the problem? This isn't so much a riddle as it is news.

This is news. So, to help solve Britain's problem of mad cow disease, Cambodia had a solution?

Yes. So the British government had to kill all these thousands of cows just because there was mad cow disease going on. Yeah. They wanted to assuage the fears of the citizens. So Cambodia had an offer proposal for the UK. What was it? Why don't you go fuck yourself? Cambodia's out. Cambodia, famously, the birthplace of... The mafia.

Dress the cows up as horses and no one will be the wiser.

I'm not going to let you finish. That's a dead stop. Trust me. That's that famous country song, right? Dress for my horses?

How hard would it be to make a cow look like a horse? How expensive is that?

Brown paint? How expensive is brown paint? Do you want CGI or do you want practical effects?

I want practical effects.

So your main thing?

It's 1999 and I want some practical effects.

Your main qualm with painting a cow to look like a horse is their tails are a little different. Erin, Erin, my friends. That's a pretty fat low to the ground horse, but it's tails different. Listen, sure I can milk this horse, but that tail seems, I know they say never look a gift horse in the tail. Listen, we're both from Britain.

Okay, I just think people are stupid, and I think that the tail's the only thing that would give it away.

Okay, so the real question is how do I trick you into thinking a cow is a horse? Well, they both have nipples, fucker. Save a horse, ride a cow. Boy. I think it would be quite difficult to turn a cow into a horse because I think horses have way longer necks than cows. Just anatomically I think that's the most different part. But I think a horse's face is longer so I think you could put prosthetics on a cow's face to make it look longer. Also cows aren't as tasty I guess.

Who did the makeup for Lord of the Rings?

Or that a bloop did his own. He showed up on set like that. I want to see a scene, famously. I want to see a scene. JPC, you are a farmer who has sold a horse. The horse died, so you had to make do and improvise and paint your cow to look like a horse. Or not even paint, we'll just, you did what you did. Yeah, I did what I did. And Erin, you are a suspicious buyer. I can't wait to see this horse.

There's a good horse, this is a thoroughbred, you know. Wait a minute.

This doesn't smell like a horse, and I grew up smelling horses on purpose.

I'm glad you noticed. I just gave this horse a bath, so that's why it smells all sparkly clean. Yeah, but this is a Thoroughbred Horse. It's a braiding stallion. Vova Obama. We hate Obama here, so, you know, Ken, you and I are good people. Wait a minute, what?

Can that horse speak?

No, no, no. Now, there's no Mr. Ed, but it's name is Vom.org. What a bummer of a website that is. No, this cow is...we're just doing... This cow?

You just called it a cow.

That's an acronym for Caution. Overweight. Horse. Cow is better than H. And overweight is a double... I'm really looking for a real horse.

I want to enter it into horse races. I want to ride it around. I want my children to ride it.

This is Derby and Jackie Ready. This horse is a horse as a horse can be. I want to see it run. You want to see it run?

I want to see it run.

See Spot run, see Horse. Okay, Horse can run. Now, it's saving all of its energy because it's a track running Horse, so it's going to kind of meander for a bit and shit itself. But it's mostly, that's like it's pre-run run.

Even I have that in common.

Milk, milk, milk.

Anyway, there's a horse that's nipples-fucker, can you milk me?

We cut to, I want to see a scene where Erin has bought the horse, slash cow, and it is now in the Kentucky Derby, and I want, uh, uh, JPC and I will be the announcers for this, uh, horse race.

And there's Golden Child around the bin up in the lead here. Of course Grandpa Socks is second, and in dead last, being lapped by all the other horses. What is that there? That's a cow! What? That's a damn cow.

That's what that is. I sold that cow to a wort. Yeah, that's a damn cow. Oh man, we hate Obama.

Do you want some hints? No. This is... Sorry, do you want some mints? Your breath is stank. I just ate a cow's poop.

Have you guys ever had poop?

What are you talking about?

Hey, what are you talking about? So the Cambodian government did offer the British government some solution?

As far as I know, this is true. I don't know how this is a riddle, but it is.

Was it to purchase the dead cow?

No, but it was to make their devs not in vain.

Was it? So, it's 96, right? And at the time, India is still British territory, so they used the cow slaughter as an excuse to go back to war with India because it knows that it's going to rile them up. Yeah. Yeah? Okay. No. The Cambodian government- Can you give us a hint? Just, hold on. They just- They just, apropos of nothing, rang up the old queen, and we're like, hey, we got an idea for what you can do to make these cats- I'm so sorry, I have to see a scene.

JBC, you as yourself, can we see a scene where you've rung up the queen of England, because you've got some ideas, and Adal, you're the queen.

Gotcha. I'm a fucking Leavable. Been on hold for like 10 minutes. This is bullshit.

Hello.

Hello. Is this the Queen of England?

Please hold while you're connected with the Queen of England.

Mother of fuck. I have been through the ringer on this one. I've got some good ideas too.

Ahoy, hoy.

Yes, hello.

Is this the... Ahoy, hoy, hoy. Chips ahoy. Buy chips ahoy for your next... This isn't an attic for chips ahoy. Chips ahoy. The cookie that bites back.

That can't be what they're... Maybe that's an England thing, but it's not. It's certainly just a thousand chips delicious is what they're...

Queen speaking? Is what I would say as high as on the line right now, or if I were Freddie Mercury?

Is the Queen funny? What's going on? Well, B-O-B. Is that an instrumentian beep or B-O-B? Is that Poms Over Baghdad? It's a poor taste for the Queen to make a reference to an outcast song, but also it's pretty cool. It's one of their best songs.

Go ahead.

Yes, is this the Queen?

Is what Anne Boleyn said when she was punished at the guillotine.

She said, go ahead. That's a little on the nose. Boy oh boy.

A little on the neck.

I'm sorry.

Hello.

Hello. Queen? Yes. This is John Patrick Coan. I'm calling from America. Who? JPC. Oh. Yeah. Thank you. Oh.

Hi. This is JPC from Hey Riddle Riddle.

It's that JPC. Thank you. It's always nice to meet a fan.

I have... Oh, I didn't say I was a fan.

Great. Well, I was talking to an oscillating device in my bedroom.

You talking to an ocelot?

Yeah. I was talking to an ocelot. It's a pretty kitty.

What can I do for you?

I just had a suggestion. Why don't you go fuck yourself, Click? Click Boom is my favorite song by Saliva. Would you like to listen to it?

Isn't that P-O-D?

Fuck you.

Worth it!

Just like the crown jewels. Yes, worth it. Do we want a hint? Yeah, give me a hint. The Cambodian government suggested a way for Britain to get rid of the suspect cattle without risking that the cattle would eventually be eaten. So the cattle are still getting slaughtered? Yes, but not in a way that would result in for market meat.

So they're feeding the cows to the other cows.

Excuse me?

Never mind.

Excuse me?

Never mind.

Are you asking for a dead stop?

No, I'm never ever ever asking for a dead stop. I'm just a dumb lady.

You play your cards right, you're gonna get it. I've only been to Cambodia once, so correct me if I'm wrong and this is not... this was just my experience and this is not the country's experience.

And it was through the Dead Kennedy song?

Yes. But is this for one of those classic Cambodia royal rumbles where they do it all with cows?

Mm-hmm. So they're just doing a royal... There's Moo Hamadali, of course.

Okay, and some more cow fighting names. Mook Tyson. Muay Thai. Milk Tyson. George. George Foreudders. George Foreudders. Minnie Pekimoo.

I want people to tweet these at us.

Which is the hashtag. RockyBeefBoa.

The hashtag will be RockyBeefBoa. We want you to tweet at us.

Oh no.

Who are some other boxers? I really don't know a lot of boxers. Klitschko, Steakko.

Who's that Irish guy? Irish Mickey Steak. Mickey Ward's the Boston guy. Yeah, Mickey Ward. That's the fighter, right?

The Irish Irish guy.

That's Conor McGregor, who's MMA. Uh, Conor McGregor. Milk, milk, emanate. Let's get done with this first riddle. Fuck, okay.

I don't know. I'm sorry.

So the cows are still being slaughtered, but this is a way that their deaths would not be in vain.

I will say slaughtered is a strong word. There is a potential for them to die, but it's not necessarily, it's cruel the way they're going to die, but it's not absolute or certain.

Are they being like put to work basically? Yeah. Like work horses or like plowing fields?

Where'd you get horses from? Plowing fields? Not plowing fields. Make them walk to death? It's very high risk in terms of like this is still cruel, but it's not outright slaughtered. Cows washing windows?

Yeah, cows washing windows. Did Cambodia say like what you could do is you could put all the cows on billboards and say eat more chicken and all those cows and so dying they're just trying to get people to eat chicken.

Will I say that restaurant's name?

I dunno.

I don't know what it is. What would this possibly be? Here we go. The Cambodian government suggested that the cattle be sent to Cambodia and allowed to wander their fields to explode the many mines left over from their wars.

Oh my god.

Wow. Owen Wilson, wow.

That's when the cow was inside us the whole time.

That's a nightmare.

Yeah, but also stepping on a land mine would be a nightmare. Isn't that your country song you came out with? Stepping on a land mine would be a nightmare. Casey Musgraves, answer my calls. Return to my emails.

Not about this. Not about this.

Your life is in danger. Your life is in danger, Casey.

I like her.

Oh, she's great. I already feel I'm trying to save her life. Are we having fun?

Yeah, of course.

Always. Did they end up doing that? Did Cambodia end up getting the cows? What am I, a fucking history doctor? I don't know. Excuse me, history doctor.

Thank God you're here.

Please, Indiana Jones. That book didn't say? Well, anyway, that would be a noble death. I don't know that that's... Well, I guess maybe it is more cruel, but it serves a humanitarian purpose. I don't know. Man, what a tough one.

I want to see a scene. The two of you are cows. Gotcha. You've been tasked with exploring minefields to explode mines, but you have enough awareness that you think this sucks.

Oh my god.

What's up?

I'm anxious.

Why?

Why? Yeah. Look around.

Okay.

It looks like it's about to rain.

Yeah, but we're cows.

I don't have my umbrella.

We're cows. We can sense when it's gonna rain. It looks like it's about to, but it's not going to. It's gonna pass right by us.

I sense it. You sense it? Maybe you're feeling a little off. This day has a bad energy. Don't you feel like today just like has like a bad energy? I don't know.

I feel good. I feel like I'm like... You look good. Stop.

You've never looked better.

Stop.

What are you? I'm going to start calling you filet mignon.

No, no.

You're nothing but filet mignon.

Can I be honest? It's the medicatasies.

No, it's not.

It has wrecked my appetite.

No, you look so... No, it's the medicatasies. Hello filet mignon. My best friend's a filet mignon.

No one will ever eat me because I am diseased. Yeah. And I've lost about 280 pounds.

You look... It's not even like a weight thing. It's like you just like are like... Hey, back to work. We're walking around.

You're walking away from the minefield.

Okay, we'll move back.

We'll move back over. Can I be honest with you? I've been playing nonstop minesweeper. I think I have a pretty good idea where all of the bombs are and I've kind of flagged them in my mind. Okay, so most of these are three's?

What's that?

Are you gonna let me?

Did that cow just call me a three? I'm a Cambodian six. Yeah, but you're like an L.A. too. Yeah, that's fair.

Yeah, I'll totally let you know. Someone just felt a drop of rain.

Don't mean to say hello to you, but here we are.

You know there's no minds over there.

Oh, over here? Alright, let me just...

Okay, so you did lie to me. I did lie to you, and I do feel bad about that.

You're my best friend.

Well.

And this sucks. And what's the plan now?

Okay.

Um... Wait, come over here. I have something to give you.

No way would that work.

Let's see.

Did it almost work? It almost worked! Here we go. It is estimated that the Earth weighs six sextillion tons. How much more would the Earth weigh if one sextillion tons of concrete and stone were used to build a large wall?

The same.

No. No. No. Because that wall is going to be on the Mexican border and it's going to keep us safe. I love this again. And our safety is worth more than a thousand pounds.

Is it the same? Erin was correct. It would weigh the same since all the materials are taken from Earth's original weight.

But it did not say that. It just said if a wall was built. And what if that wall was built with the moon?

Okay.

Yes. So. I'm checking out.

But I need the moon for the tides. I need the moon to get my period.

Okay. I want to see a scene. I want to see a scene. Erin, you are presenting a plan to the president and your plan, because Congress will not approve funds to build a wall, is to blow up the moon and use the moon rocks as a wall on the Mexican border.

Can't we see a scene where she's a woman having her period on the moon?

No. Ladies and gentlemen and Mr. President. Hello everybody. Some people call me crazy.

Just so you know the president could not be here. But I'm one of his idiot sons.

And I'm here! Oh, the Queen. In spirit, this is an audio recording.

Oh, damn it, all the help.

Yes.

Um, uh, my speech. Okay, I rehearsed this. Okay. Some people call me crazy. Some people call me handsome.

How crazy handsome are you?

Uh, uh, pretty crazy handsome.

Hey, if you were rich and Asian, then you'd have a real poor effecta. I'm sorry.

Can I tell you something? People also call me crazy and handsome. I'm Vincent D'Onofrio, specifically from Men in Black 1. Give me sugar in water.

Speaking of that, look up into the sky right now.

Okay, we're all indoors.

All right, well let's just pretend we're outside. It's the middle of the day.

What would we see? Sun. Sky.

Yeah, pretty important. We see with the sun. It helps plants grow. What happens in 12 hours? Who comes out?

The moon?

What good does the moon do us?

Nothing, it's the sky devil.

It's the sky devil. I say, we get a lasso. Hook it round the moon, Mary. Mary? I'll give you the moon, Mary? Mary. Sorry, Mary's not paying attention. Mary, Mary, take out your headphones.

I'm so sorry.

I'll give you the moon, Mary.

Oh, thank you.

Mary, I'll give you the moon, and then I lasso the moon. I'll bring it down to the earth, Mary. I'll bring you the moon. We'll explode it up into a bunch of little pieces.

You'll explode it on the earth?

Yeah, no, I'll explode in the sky, take all the pieces. Makes sense. Sort of like Play-Doh, it feels like Play-Doh in your hands, the moon. Um, Mary, I'll give you the moon, Mary. I'll put all of the Play-Doh together. We make a wall.

Uh-huh.

You're welcome.

Well, we're pretty good. Well, uh, way to my flitorious plot.

If Vincent Adafio agrees and he is the secretary of the moon, then yeah, this plan sounds good to me.

It will cost 1.3 bajillion dollars.

Okay, bajillion dollars.

That's my property value. Plug. See that?

Water. Water. It's like he's wearing a shirt. It's like he's wearing an eggershoot. Let's see here. Which number is next in this series? Ten? 10, 4, 3, 11, 15 I don't know. 10, 4, 3, 11, 15

Ten minus six is four. Six plus four is three. Three minus one is eleven. Eleven minus four is fifteen.

Ten, four, three, eleven.

Fifteen. And a little hint.

Four, eight, fifteen, sixteen.

What's our anniversary?

Paper.

And you're going to want to write out those words on paper. That's a really good hint. That's a really good hint. Ten, four, three, eleven, fifteen, good buddy.

Okay.

10, 4, 3, 11, 15. Which number is next in this series? And I'll give you some options for the numbers. A, 14, B, 1, C, 17, D, 12. 12. Why? Explain your work. Show your work.

I never have and I never will do that. I'm a bad student.

What are my options again? 14, 1, 17, 12. Is it a word thing or a number thing? Word thing.

Okay, that's what I thought.

Which is why I asked you to write out the number. 10, 4, 3,

11, 15, 17. Why?

It goes up in numbers.

Yeah. It goes up in numbers. So, 10 is 3 letters, 4 is 4 letters, 3 is 5 letters, 11 is 6 letters. You got the solution right, but the answer wrong. 11 is 6 letters, 15 is 7 letters, so something is 8 letters. 14, 1, 17, 12.

14. 14.

Yeah. It's eight letters. It's 14.

When spelled out, each number in the series is longer than the previous number by one letter.

That was very fun.

That one was actually a good riddle and it was actually hard to do.

And actually, I'm having fun.

And actually, honestly, actually, And love, actually? Love, honestly? And love, honestly. That's the movie. Oh, that's a movie. We did it. We did it. Tony Collette. Tony, Tony, Tony. Tony Shalhoub. Tony's Seasoning. What about a movie that's just all the famous Tonys? Alright, who do we have?

Tony Shalhoub.

Ant and Scalia. Tony Hopkins. Yeah, Tony Hopkins. God. That's it. Yeah, just Tony Shalhoub and Anthony Hopkins, I guess, and none of the ones that we mentioned previously.

What's the plot?

It's basically love, actually. They try and come up with a movie. Oh, nice. That sounds fun.

Pretty relatable to what's happening right now.

Come up with a vehicle to star the two of them. Mark Anthony. Let's do one more riddle and then we'll go to break. Erin?

We're being menaced. That wasn't me.

Put that down. Erin, put that down.

You're gonna get sick.

That's a cement block.

I just had a vision of what would happen.

I wanna see you front and center. I am. I'm here. Great. I'm here. I'm ready. Take off that sweaty shirt.

What?

Take off my sweatshirt? Yeah. It's too sweaty. It's too hot for this. Here's our next riddle. The tension in the poker game was building rapidly among Sam, Buck, Sid, Slip, and Ari. Suddenly Sam lunged at Shady and began pummeling him. Buck jumped up and pulled Sam off his victim. On the card table there were five hands and each had three cards facing up. One hand contained a king, a queen, and an ace. There were two aces and a king in the next hand and three jacks in the third. Two queens and an ace made up the fourth hand, with two kings and an ace making up the fifth. Shady had dealt the last hand, slug accused Shady of cheating. Why?

So there's five aces on the table. Is that the answer to the riddle?

There were five aces face up on the table, and Shady had been the last one to deal.

I have a question. Were they dogs?

They were dogs playing poker? Famously dogs playing poker. I want to see a scene.

Yes. And just all of us at a poker night. That's it.

Alright. Auntie up. Auntie, you're up. Uh-oh. Aunt. Aunt Judy.

Let me get my glasses. Hold on.

Auntie Judy.

Auntie, you're up. Has anyone seen my glasses?

What? They're on your face.

Jeff! What? My glasses?

I'm watching Family Guy! What? Uncle Jeff. Uncle Jeff. That's American Dad.

What do you mean?

You're watching American Dad.

I like the alien. He says quippy things.

Does anyone want another gin and tonic?

Oh yes.

Not you, the poker game. What?

You're playing poker?

Yeah, come on down. We're in the basement.

I'm halfway through an episode of American Family Dad.

No.

My glasses were on my face.

Yeah, I told you they were on your face. Okay, let's do this. Okay, so we're playing Texas Hold'em.

Oh, I gotta pee. Hold on! Okay.

What are you doing in there?

I'm gonna pee, honey.

Are you peeing in there?

I'm gonna pee. Do you need anything in the bathroom?

You're gonna pee, honey? Oh, that's gonna be a while.

I have to pee as well.

All right, I'm gonna go. I'm almost done.

Use toilet paper.

I know. On the doorknob.

Do you have to remind Aunt Judy to use toilet paper? On the doorknob.

Alright, I'm ready. I am here. We are playing poker and let us.

Aunt Judy, you are covered in piss.

Am I? Okay, let's go. Let's get started. Okay.

Alright. Alright. Now I'm gonna put in $5.

No, the microwave just went off. Sorry!

Don't touch it.

What is it?

I'm microwaving a lizard.

Okay, I'll come back in. All right, so you put five dollars in.

It's my Uncle JP Riddle.

So we're gonna have five dollars in. How much are you putting in?

Um, I don't have any money.

I'll put in five dollars for you. Okay. Okay, and I'm gonna put in...

$800. $800? What are we? American Family Guy?

The American Dad.

Where are my glasses?

Let's see. We ready for the next break? Mm-hmm. Great. Yeah, I'm ready for the next break. A break happened. Is this a Riddle break? Yeah. Okay.

No, yeah, I'll hear you out. Let's hear it. A break happened. Why? And when that happens? We're fucked. We're financially and emotionally devastated. Yeah, we're crushed when that happens. It could happen very well right now. We could take a break and there could be no ad. You could come right back to it. Or, thank God, God willing, there's three or four ads. Here's what we'll say.

We're gonna take a break. If we have a sponsor... They'll do a message. We'll come back. Yeah. Wait, what? If we don't, this is the end of the... Where are my glasses?

We'll see you back after this quick break.

Welcome back to the Hey Riddle Riddle Test Kitchen. I'm your host, Adal Rifai. We also have joining us in the kitchen.

I can't figure out my apron. I put it on like pants. Hold on.

No, that's weird. Erin, we're live.

We're live on TV. And also, Erin, that's pants.

Oh, okay. Then where's my apron?

It's apron brand pants.

Okay, okay. I'm ready to cook.

And I'm Sued Chef, JPC. That's not sous chef, that is a chef who is the middle of... He's been sued. Midi lawsuits right now. You're in deep, deep litigation. But you're great at chopping onions, so... I'm in a bad way, but I'm chopping onions and I'm making my way back.

Well, we're cooking today with HelloFresh, America's number one meal kit. Get easy, seasonal recipes and pre-measured ingredients delivered right to your door. Do you not have a door where you live? Maybe it'll get delivered right to the flap of your tent. Or the manhole cover if you're a ninja turtle.

They do deliver to Ninja Turtles. That is a new addition to HelloFresh. What I love about HelloFresh is it's just simple, okay? They make cooking delicious meals at home a reality regardless of your comfort in the kitchen. For instance, I'm not comfortable in the kitchen. I've been sued many times for kitchen-related mishaps. Going into the kitchen gives me a lot of anxiety because I know I'm opening myself to many more lawsuits, but HelloFresh makes it easy. They've got step-by-step recipes with pre-measured ingredients. You'll have everything you need to get a wow-worthy dinner on the table in just about 30 minutes.

It's also a very easy cleanup, which I appreciate because I'm trying to get in and out of there as fast as possible. I made the fajitas today, and I loved them so much.

Because you're usually a bit of a sloppy girl.

I'm always a bit of a sloppy girl.

And you're going through what you described as a messy divorce?

That's what you described it as when you divorced me. I'm ready for a messy divorce. That's why I'm suing you.

You're not going to catch me saying anything disparaging about you and this ad. I'm not getting sued again. And you know, unlike Erin and I's marriage, HelloFresh is flexible and it fits your lifestyle. You can add extra meals to your weekly order as well as yummy sides like garlic bread and cookie dough. Mmm, cookie dough not a side. I take offense to that. I guess it is a side of dessert if it's like ice cream and cookie dough.

And unlike our marriage, HelloFresh is great for kids and kid-friendly.

Yeah, there's a family option, a calorie smart and vegetarian option, and then there's fun menu series like Hall of Fame and Kraft Burgers.

I want to try Kraft Burgers.

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Adal, as your lawyer, I have to tell you that can be financially ruinous.

You're a lawyer too? Why are you getting sued so much, ya dummy?

I know. I'm suing myself in a couple of these. I'm self-representing and self-suing.

Oh.

It's really self-sabotage is what it amounts to.

It's like a boy named self-sue.

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Yes, what do you want? Minnie Mouse. M&M's Minnie's. Minnie... Driver. The Moocher. Minnie Driver.

The Moocher! The song from Blues Brothers. Yes, thank you specifically to Minnie the Moocher, the song from Blues Brothers.

I had like a blackout sketch where it was like somebody talking to Siri. Oh no. I can't remember what it was, but it was like, hey Siri, what's up? And then Siri would be like, up is a Pixar movie, et cetera. My Siri just turned on. But one of them was, Siri, call me a cab, and then Siri would call cab Callaway. That's funny. Surprisingly, didn't go over well.

People didn't love that. Yeah. But you did pitch this in 1991, correct? Yeah.

I can't relate to this. All of my comedy has gone over very, very well. I've never bombed, never failed.

Do you remember the biggest bomb in terms of something that you wrote, what the biggest bomb that you ever wrote was?

Oh god, yeah. Okay, hold on, let me think.

I remember I did, and I think that this stuck with me because I loved the idea so much, and it just fucking fell flat in its face. But I was in like the high school Second City summer program, so I think I was like 17, and I, with my buddy Rick, and we had come to Chicago to like take this class, and we wrote this sketch where we were two adult human men who were like New York City like guys but we were professional gargoyles so we were like gargoyles on the top of a building and we were like on top of a bank and we were like talking about the gargoyles union and I thought it was like a very funny idea and the end of the line was like after this like four minute sketch we're like hey Mikey uh you ever wish we could wear clothes and I thought I thought that that was funny we did it to silence like we did it in front of this class and they were like So what? What are you?

And famously it was a second grade class? It was a second grade class.

We were there in elementary school. And I just remember being like, oh, that was not funny. We went away and we thought this was funny for like seven hours and we came back and we were like, no, no, no. No one likes this.

I want to see that scene, but the three of us are going to do it and we're going to try and make it, we're going to try and improve upon it.

Okay, so we're human gargoyles.

We're three human gargoyles and we're going to make this funny. Okay. It gets windy up here.

Yeah, and I'm from New York. Hey! The Big Apple. No, I'm not talking about the atoms in my throat.

Oh, it's pretty funny.

Cool. Let's try over. Okay. Yeah, that wasn't funny. Let's try one more time. Yeah, make it funny. Make it funny. This is my voice this time. Let's start over. Okay.

Let's start over over time.

Erin, what was the worst thing you've ever written?

I'm trying to think of there is one thing that

Yeah. I'm trying, I'm having a hard time remembering. There was a sketch that I wrote with Laurel's off Pelton that I thought was amazing and we didn't get much of a response where I was her pretend friend and she was like a little boy and we were playing pretend and he asked me out like the little boy pretend friend out and the pretend friend said no, which we thought was so funny. Cause it's like, we're getting, you're getting rejected by yourself. It's like a little boy practicing getting rejected and it didn't really play very well. But I was like, I love this. This is funny and sweet and should be getting more of a reaction.

I think that a lot of times too, like, especially with like sketch writing is like you'll write your first attempt and then you'll put it up in front of someone or you'll put it up in front of a director or whatever and you'll get notes and feedback and then you could make it better or you can just like ditch it, whatever. So some of the biggest like bombs are just things that like I put up probably once and they just didn't go well. I'm like, fuck that forever.

Like that's done. Did I ever tell you guys about waiter serving dogs, waiter serving dogs, waiter serving dogs?

No.

Oh my gosh. Okay, so I might still do this bit for something one day. So I almost did this for one of my SNL editions and everyone was like, don't!

Don't do that.

So I go, this is a waiter serving dogs. And I'm a waiter and I go up and I read the specials and they're all dog food. And then I go, this is a waiter. Now this is a waiter serving dogs. And I walk up and I'm talking to people and all the food is dogs. I'm like, this is a Siberian Husky, Ravioli. And then the third one is, I go, and this is a waiter serving dogs. And I'm like, I love playing tennis. And I pick up a dog and I serve it. And no one likes it!

Yeah, I can see how it goes in my mind.

KJ hates me. No one likes his vid. Whoever likes his vid is my soulmate.

KJ likes it. I did a Second City show where the class wrote this, or a few of us in the class wrote this sketch where it was like, uh, like sex acts, where it's like, you know, like there's a Cleveland steamer, like there was like the weird sex acts, you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah. So for a while that was like a popular joke. And we would like improvise them, so one of them was like, oh, I gave a guy a Houdini. That's where you punch him in the stomach and he dies seven days later. So it's just like dumb stuff like that. And one of the ones I did was I gave a guy an according to Jim. That's where you fuck a guy every Tuesday night at 7, 8 p.m. Central and the whole time he says your brother was better. There's something like that. It was just a bad joke and I did it for a run at Second City and then Rob Belushi whose Jim Belushi's son was like in the community and so all these people afterwards would be like because people would like laugh at the joke but then people were like Adal Rob Belushi's looking for you I was like what and they're like Rob Belushi he's looking for you And then like weeks would go by and then I'd be at a party and they're like, are you Adal? And I'm like, yeah, and they're like, yeah, Rob Belushi is looking for you. And I'm like, okay. And this kept happening for like a while when people kept saying Rob Belushi is looking for me. And then I feel like I finally met him because he went to school with my sister and he was just like, Hey, I'm Ronald. I'm like, Hey, I'm Adal. And he's like, cool. It's like this ominous thing where I'm like, is this guy gonna like... Maybe it was a different Rob Belushi that was looking for you. Yeah, a different Rob Belushi.

People don't like my waiter serving dogs, Ben. There was a waiter bit that it happened in an improv rehearsal where there was a scene that was happening where two people were doing a scene on a ferris wheel so they were like sitting you know side by side hands like out in front of them and Max Gannett from our improv team he had missed like a crucial line at the very beginning where they were on a ferris wheel So then like two minutes into the scene, he comes on as a waiter and he like drops off waters and he's like, can I get you guys anything else? And everybody, everybody just starts dying laughing because he had just, he had just missed the part where they were on a ferris wheel. So I, for so long, I wanted to do a solo bit, which was a waiter, like a waiter on a ferris wheel. And it was, this is a waiter, it's his first day at work and he works on a ferris wheel. And then it's just like, it just would be like, Hey, I'm Jeff Pickett. Did you get some water? They got a gun! Just getting farther and farther away as people just go by him. It's like, uh, here's the check and just pay any time you want.

Um, I have a bit, again, might do something with this, but people didn't like it, which it was a- This is turning into a Patreon episode. This is this woman who is interviewing a roller coaster designer on the roller coaster, but she's definitely afraid of roller coasters. So she starts so professional. Like she clearly wants to get hired to be like a full-time anchor.

This sounds like Steve Carell's character, the waiter who's nauseated by food. Oh yeah, God. There's so many fun waiter bits, everyone.

So many fun waiter bits.

Mine wasn't a waiter at all. She was a newscaster interviewing someone.

Yeah, that's a waiter. What is a newscaster except a waiter for the weather? I'll take my answer offline.

Alright, ready for another riddle.

We could hear some riddles, please. Dinner Hour was becoming a traumatic time for Arnold. His tuxedo was immaculate and he had not said anything to disturb anyone. As everyone waited, Arnold used the wrong fork. Now Arnold was really off the mark.

Arnold was a penguin.

This, my friends, is from Nathan Levi's Stories with Holes Volume Fave. So wait. And there's a, okay, so there's a hole in this story. Did he, like, fork someone's wife or something like that? I have nipples, Arnold. Can you fork me? Wait, it's a, what's the first line of this?

Dinner hour was becoming a traumatic time for Arnold.

Uh, no. But using the wrong fork is key. Okay. So dinner hour was becoming a traumatic time for Arnold. His tuxedo was immaculate, and he had not said anything to disturb anyone. I know it. As everyone waited, Arnold used the wrong fork. I know it. Now Arnold was really off the mark. I know it, I know it, I know it. It has to do with time. Yeah, I know it.

But I'm not going to say it because I know it.

He's starting to eat while everyone else is.

No. Yes, how gauche. I know. Is Arnold even there? No.

Brought fork in the road? Yep, fork in the road. Arnold took the wrong fork in the road, making him even later for his formal engagement dinner. He was getting engaged? Out of formal?

Isn't she lovely?

I want to see a scene. Adal, you're at your engagement dinner and JPC is your... would be your best man and your fianc hasn't shown up yet and JPC you're like trying to either comfort or whatever you want.

Gotcha. Jeff, don't worry about it, man. Jeff, she's not here, but I'm your best man. I'm gonna step in.

Is that what best men do?

What's that?

No, that would be inappropriate. That would be inappropriate, Claire.

I'm not going to do that, okay?

What am I supposed to say? I'm supposed to tell him that from the day we first met in the third grade that his charisma and his energy and his passion and his love and his vibrancy was something that I fell for almost immediately.

Claire, can you come on? Hey, sorry to pull you away. Hey Claire, I know you're talking to my best man. We both know his name. It's Mike. Even just watching from a distance, I can tell that you're in love with him. Why don't you just tell me how feelings were?

Hey Jeff, can I talk to you for a second over here?

I'm your father.

I just want to step in here and say, I don't think a third grader should be getting married.

Well, Dad, I guess this is where we agree to disagree. Am I using that term right? Agree to disagree? Yeah, but I wouldn't... I don't love it that you called me Dad. It's Rick. I got a D in the last episode. Hey Rick, can I have a second? Yeah, absolutely.

Just tell him that you love him.

He's my wife's kid, I guess I gotta. Hey Donna, can I take you for a second? Can I get, let's see here, can I get a bourbon? Oh, I'm not a... This is a sidebar, right?

I actually loved that scene.

Yeah.

Pretty good. And that all took place on a ferris wheel. Here's another story with a hole in it.

Guys, everybody, listeners, from now on, every single scene for the next 50 episodes is taking place on a Ferris wheel.

One of my favorite things not to do in an improv scene is when someone has clearly established that they are not in a restaurant is to walk on as a waiter and drop off some menus.

Fuck off.

Alright, let's see another.

This one is called The Sounds of Thunder. What is this, a Cat Stevens album?

What is this, Simon and Garfunkel song?

What is this, an Oklahoma City basketball game? We all just crushed it.

Wow, three equals.

The sounds of thunder were all around as Libby moved quickly down the alley. She was very nervous because of the unpredictability of teenage boys. Libby kept looking back at them to make sure they did not come after her or throw anything. After reaching the end of the alley, Libby had to turn around. She bravely walked back past the boys without incident. Where the hell?

Can you read it one more time?

Libby is a police car. What does that stand for? Law enforcement with an I. Law enforcement by big... Y'all come back?

So everybody knows where there's thunder, there's lightning. So this has something to do with lightning.

You could not be morrow.

Why? Where the hell is the lightning, sir?

That's the whole. There is no lightning, but there are sounds of thunder as Libby quickly moved down the alley. Okay, what else makes thunder sounds?

The musical stomp.

Is stomp a musical or is it just an experience? It's an experience. It's like Blue Man Group. Or sex. Or sex. We were really stomp guts last night. Wait, did you kill your partner? God, yeah man, she stomped my dick.

Why?

When I have sex it sounds exactly like stomp. It sounds exactly like it.

It's like trashcan lids banging together. I thought I would tell you guys about this kid Colin in high school who thought whacking off meant physically whacking. Smacking your penis. Is he okay now? No, his penis got smacked to pieces.

So it's something that sounds like thunder.

Yes.

But it's not thunder.

Yes. Is it an Oklahoma City basketball game?

It is not, it is not. Is it a dump truck? Nope. Like what? Fireworks. Nope. Something that sounds like thunder is a big wet fart.

I miss women.

I miss swimming.

But I can't go swimming because of the thunder.

But I can't go swimming because women can play.

Here's to swimming with bow-legged women. What's that from? Frank Zappa. That sounds fun.

Okay, so it's a sound that sounds like thunder but is not thunder.

Here are the key phrases. The sounds of thunder Libby quickly moved down the alley. After reaching the end of the alley, she turned around and walked past the people. Is this a basketball game? Nope. She was nervous because she thought the people were going to throw something.

Throw the basketball. Is an alley a term in basketball? Yeah. Dunk Alley? Yeah. Is that what? That's not a term. Running up to the hoop is called Dunk Alley?

Drive to the hole.

Yeah, drive to the hole. Throw me the rock. Yeah.

Take it to the Christi Alley. Cheers! Ah, God. Yeah. So, alley, throw something. Sounds of Thunder.

It's a basketball game.

You have the ball part, right? There is a ball? Mm-hmm.

Football.

Alley, alley. Hockey?

No.

Uh, soccer? Is it a sport with an alley bowling? There we go.

Libby is a bowling pin. Libby is a bowling pin. Libby worked in a bowling alley. She had to go down the alley to get the stuck bowling ball when the frolicking teenage boys had bowled at the wrong time. They hit the pin setter and got the bowling ball stuck. Libby kept looking back because she was afraid one of the young boys would bowl while she was walking or walk down the bowling alley to fix things himself. That would suck to get hit in the legs of the bowling ball.

I went bowling recently with a 13 year old and an 8 year old. And the 13 year old, I watched the 13 year old slowly descend into madness watching his little sister. She did not want to be bowling. It was just him and I who wanted to go bowling. Just drop the bowling ball at on the front of like the alley and then turn around and walk away and not even see it what it did and she kept getting strikes and spares and he was earnestly trying the whole time and was getting like no pins down and I saw him descend into madness. He was like, she just drops it. She don't even look. There's no follow through. This sucks.

And that was a little kid. That was Erin.

That was me.

That was your date. Whispering that into that kid's ear. I went bowling recently as well and I think I got like 100 on my first game and in my second game I got slightly above 100 and I was like proud of myself for doing better in the second game but we were bowling with it was with work people and it was with two like we had two lanes next to each other and one of the lanes it was at this really shitty place. One of the lanes was a lane brand? Yeah.

That would be the funniest bowling alley. It's all bowling alley lanes in one of them.

It was Elaine Bryant next to a bowling alley.

You can still bowl through it though.

You're on seven and Elaine Bryant. It's that bowling alley by Arklight. Oh yeah, I love that one. It is a piece of shit, but we are on these two... Did you hear Erin just say I love that one? So the biggest bowling ball that they had in there was an 11-pound ball, and it was like, what? Anyway, but I also don't think those lines are regulation, but the lane that we were on was broken, so no matter what you bowled, the machine registered a strike. So we were bowling and we were like, someone rolled a strike first up, and then everyone else just was rolling strikes when they were rolling nothing. And it was like, Every lane in there was broken. There was this poor guy with a screwdriver just trying to fix machines. It was a nightmare. Yeah, we kept hitting him in the legs with bowling balls.

At that bowling alley, I went bowling once with one of my improv teams, and Jesse Kendall, anytime he got a strike, he would yell, Katniss Everdeen, like from the Hunger Games, like the way that guy yells it, and it's the funniest thing I've ever seen.

Katniss Everdeen!

For the whole bowling alley to hear.

I do want to see a scene. Erin and JPC, you are two announcers for the NBA. So you're announcing an NBA game. You clearly have no idea what the terms are for basketball, so you keep accidentally alluding to other sports and using other sports terminology.

Little Carl, we're here and we're having a great time.

Melissa, we are, we are, we are, and we are here to talk basketball. We have the Orlando

Baskets. And you know what I love about basketball? A couple things. The sound of those sneakers squeaking. And also, I love that it's on ice.

Yikes. Bikes. And it is on ice, and let's move down to the trackside. Alright, number 23 takes the ball, and he is just slobbering it down the...yard?

Yep, the yard, and god damn it, I hope he gets a goal.

He leans back, he slaps it around, and that's... He has some confidence, he does a pirouette. That's a finish line. One finish line for Charlotte.

Oh, you're right Carl, here we go. Oh, the other team has the... Orlando has possession of the knife.

And they are shibbeying down the slide. Ooh. That's a direct transfer to number 41. Uh, number 41 leans back and he deposits that check.

Yeah, and that's a hole in one!

One! Okay, let's go to the scoreboard real quick. It is... It's something love. Sixty one... Sixty love?

My name is Kevin Love.

Okay, and we have a special announcement from the court. It looks like someone is proposing.

No, I'm a basketball player. My name is Kevin Love. Say yes!

Say yes! She said yes.

She said yes everybody.

She said yes. Now let's get back into the game. He's flim-flaming the shenanigans and it's into the mouth. Adal's dying. Adal earnestly trying to help us with a basketball reference.

That is what the show could be called is Adal earnestly trying to help us and us just ignoring him.

Shouting over him. Alright, we're gonna go into our homestretch here. This is gonna be three riddles in a row. This is still part of Nathan Levi's Stories with Holes. This is Lenny and the Bus. L-L-Lenny and the Bus. Lenny and the Bus. Lenny and the Bus Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3. Okay. And we're going to be on a short leash here, so we have to solve these pretty quick.

Love it.

Lenny Heisler was held by the police simply for trying to catch a bus on a crowded Brooklyn street. Lenny Heisler was held by the police simply for trying to catch a bus on a crowded Brooklyn street.

He was using one of those, what's those things that shoots arrows?

Bus catcher. Yeah.

He was using a bow? No, like yeah, like a bow or like... A crossbow? A crossbow, that's what I was trying to think of, or a big old net. So he's trying to catch the bus.

Why catch the bus? Do you mean trying to get on the bus? I don't. Okay.

He's speeding in the car.

Was he one of those guys who takes his little skateboard and grabs onto the back of a bus?

That's fun.

Kid Riddle's does that. He was trying to catch a bus, but not too bored of the bus.

He's speeding after the bus.

Is this the movie Speed?

It is? No. No, man. Lenny was held by the police simply for trying to catch a bus on a crowded Brooklyn street.

Is ketchup a slang for something? It is. Is it really? Mm-hmm. Uh, bus, uh, busted in a... Drug? Drug bus? You just said drug?

Drugs.

Is it singular? Is it slang for drug? Son, are you doing drug?

Excuse me, excuse me, you cool kids. Uh, can I have a drug? That's how I would ask for drugs.

Is ketchup a... is it your car? Are you smoking a weed? Is ketchup a... is it your car? It is slang. He's not trying to catch a city bus. Lenny was trying to catch the bus with rocks that he was throwing at the bus. That was part one, my friends. Wait. Here we go to part two. Jesus. Lenny was again arrested for trying to catch a bus on a crowded Bronx street.

I'm so glad that I'm not Lenny's mom.

Oh my god. Okay, so the last one was he was throwing rocks at a bus. Is this one he's trying to spray paint the bus? Nope. Lenny was again arrested for trying to catch a bus on a crowded Bronx street. Catch a bus.

Um, was he trying to deface the bus? No. Was he defacing the bus? Yes.

The bus with Jerome Bettis. It was in Bronx.

Jennifer Lopez was there. She's still standing in the Bronx.

Was he pissing on the bus? Nope.

Are you pissin' on a bus? Are you realin' in your dick?

This has to do with what he is saying. So he got arrested for verbal content. He's trying to catch a bus? Lenny was again arrested for trying to catch a bus on a crowded Bronx street.

F-U bus.

Close. Was he cursing at the bus? As Lenny was running to the bus, he kept yelling, hold up, hold up. Like you're being held up. What? Lenny and the Bus Part 3.

You're a little bitch, Bus.

You can't get arrested for saying hold up. Yeah, which is the most jarring line from the Magic School Bus? When Miss Frizzle goes, you're a little bitch, Bus. Yes. And the Bus cries.

How does everyone feel about me playing a live-action Miss Frizzle?

Here we go. We're going to see a scene. Erin, you are Miss Frizzle. JPC and I are your students and we are in a bus going somewhere.

Okay kids, I know we're used to crazy adventures.

Why are you yelling?

Am I?

What do you mean we're used to? This is the first day of a new semester.

Oh!

Because of your hair?

That's rude, and you've hurt my feelings, all right? Kids, let's get this show on the road or this bus on the road, but I don't mean a road. We're going somewhere very interesting. Today we're going to a buh buh buh butt.

Should we have signed a permission slip or something or something for our parents to go on a field trip?

We're gonna make the bus real real small and we're gonna fly up someone's butt and we're gonna learn about butts!

Are you a teacher or a bus driver?

I am. I have this little lizard friend and we, I figured... Ah, ah, it bit me! I know, I didn't say he was nice, but I have this lizard friend and I teach about science and other such things.

That's a brown, red, blue spider. That spider legit looks like it has mad cow disease.

I am Miss Frizzle!

This classroom is full of Cambodian landmines.

Don't move.

I wouldn't. Oh, she's got a gun. Oh my god, she has a gun. Hold up, hold up. This classroom. I'm serious about playing Ms.

Rizzle in Live Action Magic School Bus. Somebody ride it. I feel like- I love that. Aren't they doing one with Kate McKinnon?

Oh, she's better. Or was she- Or was she in the anime- Or was she in the anime- Or was she in the anime- Or was she in the anime- Or was she in the anime- Or was she in the anime- Or was she in the anime- Or was she in the anime- Or was she in the anime- Or was she in the anime- Or was she in the anime- Or was she in the anime- Or was she in the anime- Or was she in the anime- Or was she in the anime- Or was she in the anime- Or was she in the anime- Or was she in the anime- Or was she in the He's trying to help his friend catch the bus.

He's speeding after it.

Yeah.

With a car.

He's driving.

Arrested for speeding.

He's driving for speeding. What I'll say is, as clever as the first two were, this one is just fucking blunt force. Blunt force clever? Okay, Linny is trying to catch the bus.

This is not even a fun thing. He's trying to help his friend catch the bus. And was arrested.

He's pushing his friend into the bus? Lenny helped his friend catch the bus by grabbing the bus driver and not letting the bus driver do anything until his friend caught up with the bus.

What is his problem?

I don't know. I feel like Nathan... I want to see a scene. Nathan Love, I was kicked off a bus. GPC, you are the titular Lenny. Okay. Erin, you are Lenny's parole officer. He's been arrested three times. You are giving him a stern talking to you so you don't have to see his face again.

I know, I know, and I'm so sorry. Okay, that's fair. I've been thinking about that. I've been trying to answer that question as well. So I'm going to throw this out there. This is just a complete, you know, hair up my ass wild idea. Do you think it could have anything to do with the fact that my father who abandoned me as a bus driver? And every time I see a bus driver, I fucking go red, and I just start pummeling them, or verbally abusing them, or accosting them, or throwing rocks at them.

I don't know man, I think you're just obsessed with seeing me. I think this is about me.

Why? Because ever since the third grade, when we were on the playground together and I was taken by your charisma and energy and magic buzzes.

Doesn't it feel like Nathan Levi was like, honey, I got three amazing

Bus riddles. Which one do I use? Which one do you use? Oh, why can't you use all three, honey? You're the best in the business.

And in this situation, he's talking to a frozen pizza.

He calls his wife. Here's something in the back of the book I found. Nathan Levi is the author of more than 40 books, which have sold almost 250,000 copies to teachers and parents in the US, Europe, Asia, South America, Australia, and Africa. His unique stories with whole series continues to be proclaimed the most popular activity used in regular classrooms by hundreds of educators. Wow. Okay. He's an extremely popular dynamic speaker on thinking, writing, and differentiation. See, the fact that it says he's an extremely popular speaker makes me think he wrote this. Yeah.

I also, he's my number one dream guest for the show.

As a former school principal, company president, parents of four daughters, and management trainer, Nathan's ability to transfer knowledge and strategies to audiences through humorous, thought-provoking stories assures that participants leave with a plethora of new ways to approach their future endeavors. My new goal is to date every one of his four daughters.

Break all their hearts in order.

I'm going to break all their hearts in order of their heart size.

Suggested stories will not be returned to you and will be acknowledged only if selected. So you can send him stories. Oh nice. And there's an address. So we should write to this address. Oh there's also a website, storieswithhols.com. Yeah we've been there. We should hire him to come in and give us a speech.

I would, I would pay money to have him here.

But nobody, we have to delete our back catalog and nobody has to laugh. Everybody be quiet, be very quiet. So as we end this episode, I have one final riddle for in celebration of our year anniversary. Oh yeah, one year. Yeah, one year. And if you want to celebrate with us, email us. Champagne. Congratulations. Email us. Use the subject champagne. Yeah. In the subject line.

So you're a champagne in my ass. You're a champagne champagne, 16th of my name.

There you go. Patreon content. Here's our final riddle to send us to the plugs. When you do not know what I am, then I am something. But when you do know what I am, then I am nothing. What am I? When you do not know what I am, then I am something. But when you know what I am, then I am nothing. It's like a secret. Very close. A whisper.

A riddle.

Colder. It's a riddle.

It's a riddle.

It's a riddle. The answer to that riddle is a riddle.

The answer to this riddle is a riddle.

Wow. Isn't that kind of fun? That's like a snake eating its own horse.

Police horse. Yeah. Give me back my son. Or a burro. Erin, do you have anything to plug?

Just follow me, Erin Keif 10, on Instagram to get information about my shows and my web series that's coming up.

Ooh, what's the name of the web series?

I think it's gonna be called Welcome Back.

Get back to us when you know the fucking name. JPC, anything to plug? You know, just follow me on Twitter at JPCofly, follow me at Instagram at SharkBarkman.

Maybe you'll see some pictures of spaghetti? Who knows? Yeah. You can follow me on Twitter at AdalSofly. You can also check out our Patreon. Get it before it's closed. Go to patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle. We have a $5 tier for that. You can show people that you did kill someone if you put that tier on your face. And also you get new episodes of brand new content every Friday. Every week. Full length episodes every Friday. And access to our D&D 4 episode arc. And we also have our live shows up there. All of our live shows, yeah. So you're going to want to check that out. Also, I want to do a quick plug. I always like to plug podcasts I have been on. I was on one recently, somewhat recently, this is called One Question with Allegra Frank. It's a very short episode of a podcast but it was done for PodCon in Seattle. I was also on a podcast called Brand Standing where I played a fun game and you can listen to my episode by checking them out as well. Also I do want to mention, and last thing, is if you enjoyed TJ Jagatowski, who is a guest host on one of our episodes, and Rush Howell, who DM'd our D&D episodes for the Patreon, you're going to want to check out their podcast called Here's The Situation. So go to wherever you get podcasts, download Here's The Situation. It's a fantastic podcast. It's thoughtful. It's funny. It's interesting. So check that out.

Uh, and Erin, I've got a little situation for you. Um, you're stuck on a planet, and there's no way to get home. The only thing that you can eat is cheese, and that cheese tastes a lot like... Jupiter. Well, that was... The moon. Goodbye. Bye, friend.

This has been Hey Riddle Riddle, created by Adal Rifai. Starring Erin Keif and John Patrick Coan. AG Snyder did the editing. This is a HeadGum podcast.