Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

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And since it's our show, it's going to be bad. Now enjoy the episode. Hey! Shh!

No shit, oh Sherlock, it's Hey Riddle Riddle, Hollywood Nights.

Hollywood Nights. Everyone always looks to me to say it like YouTube.

Better LA than ever. Do we still find that one fun?

I like that one better than Hollywood Nights.

I had a dream, I had a dream that I said it on this episode and I got wild support.

Yeah, around, people started applauding.

Yeah, well just YouTube supported it.

You dreamed about this episode before we recorded it? That's an impossible pressure to put on yourself.

How did I do?

Can I also say in the dream, Erin you were great.

Great. What was my funniest joke do you think?

You had a bit where somebody asked you about superpowers and you said you wish your superpower was that you could turn into a dinosaur but it took like two weeks. Like the cover of an Animorphs book.

It was very painful.

It was just super painful. It's a lot of like you hope that your superpowers that you hope that The criminals are deterred by that because you can't really do anything because it's so painful. It's almost like when Goldblum turns into the fly.

It's like how elephants are pregnant for two years. It takes a long time to make an elephant.

Are you guys familiar with the Animorphs? The book covers always had one person changing five steps into an animal.

I never opened one, but I remember the covers.

Yeah, the covers. I wish that I had the superpower that any Animorphs book I touched, I could morph into that book. That would be my ideal superpower.

Oh, J.P.C. Dream Bigger.

I want to see... Or better. I want to see like fan art where it's like a dab-a-morph, so it's J.P.C. in like a tank and then slowly him dabbing and like over the course of five still images it's you dabbing. I would buy that. I would hang that in my apartment.

I want that but I want Adal turning into J.P.C. and vice versa.

And Adal Morph. Have you started the show yet? I'm J.P.C.

Yep, we did. We saw Riddle.

You were still in my dream. And Adal, we have a very special guest today.

A very special guest. This is one of my favorite comedians. She hosts the JV Club. She's on a podcast called Voyage to the Stars. You might have seen her in Stand Against Evil. You might have also heard her in one of my favorite shows of all time, The Legend of Korra, as the titular Korra. The titular legend. I'm sorry? I'm in the middle slash end of an introduction. If that's the middle of the introduction, that's a long introduction. You feel like a big man? Yeah, of course. I'll also say I have three favorite laughs in podcasting. Number three is Erin Keif. This is in no particular order.

If you rewind ten seconds, you'll hear my heart break.

Because you're turning into a dinosaur. It has to split in half and then grow four more quadrants. Number three is Erin Keif. Number two is Jessa McElroy. My number one favorite laugh of all time, Janet Varney. Welcome to the show, Janet.

Oh my God. But not in any ranking. Not in any ranking. But there's no ranking.

You're first. But what does first mean? He said number one of all time in no particular order.

Look at my tears. Oh, Erin.

Whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever.

Janet, thanks so much for being on the show.

Thanks, guys. About two more hours I will have morphed into a good podcast. In the meantime, I'm going to be in tremendous discomfort. It is awful.

You do need to know that this podcast will never morph into a good podcast.

But you're wonderful. That is not worth the adjustments to my spine that are happening right now in that case.

Janet, what is your relationship with Riddles, with Lateral Thinking? I know you do a show about escape rooms.

I did. Yeah, I did. What's the name of the show? It was a show called Escape. Exclamation mark. And it was something I did for Geek and Sundry and I was the host and we actually built puzzles and escape rooms that we used and had time for for one day and then they would be broken down and replaced with another one which was a tremendous amount of work on the entire production staff part.

Wait, you physically built them?

We physically built them. I mean, I'll be honest, I had nothing to do with building them. I wish I would have been.

Your hands are covered in splinters.

It's bad. The fingers I have left are. But we had this, they were really, really complex rooms. But because we were shooting at Geek and Sundry and there's just like one studio that we could use, we had to shoot them with celebrities that came in and tried to solve them and get out. And then we would have to break them down and they would build a whole new one. So we had like one day We had a sort of haunted serial killer cabinee with lots of doll heads hanging. Got him one of those. And then we had one that was, Erin you'll appreciate this, Jurassic Park. Sort of related one. I know you'll love transforming into dinosaurs. I don't dream you would really appreciate it. I can't say whether or not really you would. I don't know you well. And then, you know, we had one that was sort of the Mayan temple kind of thing, which is Felicia Day did that one and I've never heard someone scream so loudly at other people. I was like, you are clearly a company owner in a way I never understood before because there's a lot of barking orders and screaming. And then, god, there were so many good ways, a spaceship one, we had a sort of James Bond 60s evil lair one that where one side of the wall was rock, so it was sort of in it like a cavern, but it was super cool and hipster. You would put all of these up in one day? Yeah, they would have to get, we would shoot them, and then we were like, okay, that was great, that's a wrap, everybody, goodbye room. I mean, it was nutso. Yeah, it's worth watching even just clips of each episode just so you can wrap your head around the idea that all of those were meticulously assembled and deconstructed in like 12 hours.

That's insane. What work can you watch them?

You can watch it on YouTube. Okay. Yeah, they're all on YouTube now.

Okay, where can you watch if your dad does not let you do it with YouTube? Because you've used that privilege.

Good luck to you, sir.

A couple too many times. No, it's my own fault.

It's my own fault.

So you enjoy lateral thinking puzzles? You enjoy... I do.

I really, really do. Yeah. I like to do the crossword puzzle every day. I found out very late that I don't like Words with Friends. I had never played it when it was like happening. And I recently was introduced to it and I was like, I don't care for this because I don't care for The idea that you could do a dumb word that no one's heard of, but somehow get 62 points, that's three letters, and then you do a really complex word and it's like five letters. That feels unfair. It feels like, I want to be rewarded for the vocabulary, not the squares.

Yeah, and people just try out combinations until they find a word where it's like, you didn't know that. That wasn't in your vocabulary.

Like, what are we doing?

I also feel like with Words of Friends, you find out that all of your friends are cheaters. Like, they just like, oh, they Google words in there. Because there are apps that like let you just plug in things of like, this is the best word that you can do with this. And I'm like, yeah, come on.

There's no reward there. You want to have the satisfaction of feeling like you solved something or that you were responsible for it. Yeah. I do crosswords as well and on the New York Times app it like tells you when you beat your average it's like you're six minutes faster than your average I'm like fuck yeah I'm right there I do it on the iPad as well and it is a pledge and then I get so angry when I if I miss a day for some reason and the gold stars turn into just goes back to blue star yeah and then you're like oh that's a patchwork of failures I always do it. That's a calendar overall.

That's a title by one man show.

But it can't get produced in that event.

I would like to see a scene. Before we even get into Riddles, I want to see a scene. Janet, Erin, you are two friends out for a nice brunch and the two of you are trying to shoehorn in words that you don't normally use or understand but you've maybe seen them on Words with Friends or in a thesaurus and you're just trying to shoehorn those in and act casually.

I don't want to be pedantic, but I think I'll have a mimosa.

Oh, yeah. No, no, no. That sounds good. I don't know if I'm in the mood for like the viscosity of a mimosa. I'll do it.

Just like the velocity in which I will like go through a mimosa, like bottomless mimosas. I'm just like trying to not be sick by lunch.

You know. Right, right. You don't want to have some sort of extrapolation all over the table where people are like, whoa, clean up on aisle two.

Yeah, I don't want to extrapolate myself on the car ride home.

Okay, so two mimosas.

Could you give us a minute, actually? Absolutely. I would love for you to just, you know, syncopate for a second while we just have a quick tatatat.

Oh, absolutely. That's not a problem at all.

Were you just speaking French? Sorry. Oh, was that French? Yeah, were you just like, did you just like, watch into French?

I don't know, I said the word... I said the word t-d-t. Is that, that's a word. I think that's just an English word. Hey Amy. Yeah, Gretchen. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry.

You're an Indianian.

What a weird Sydney Socrates.

Honestly, I never meet another Amy.

I don't either.

This is so tumultuous.

Same. Delightful. So here we go. We're going to get into the first riddle. These ones that I've found here are, some of these are more like, here's the situation and you have to figure out what's going on.

Like when your parents go away on a week's vacation and they leave the keys to your brand new port.

Yeah. And you think somehow putting the card in reverse on blocks will turn back the mileage? Double reference. If I ever meet the screenwriter of that movie, What will you do? Big old fuck you.

Wow. Wow, geez.

He's been dead for 15 years.

I live near me as Sarah. You can take it out on her. Take it out on her.

Oh, thank you. Please, if you don't mind. So it's gonna be more of a situation. You have to sort of work backwards to see what happened. You have to extrapolate.

This sounds like a real Sherlock situation.

No shit. It's no shit. It's all Sherlock. Great. Some of them are shitty. Most of them are shitty. A man is found dead in an alley lying in a red pool with a stick near his head.

Good.

First of all, sulfur pool and stick.

I already, yeah, I have some strong feelings about whether the red pool has anything to do with blood because I don't think it does.

A man is found dead in an alley lying in a red pool with a stick near his head. Okay, it's not a man, it's the Kool-Aid man. This is too obvious.

It's too obvious that it's a Kool-Aid guy.

I would love if there's a commercial where it's like there's a brick wall but they put like titanium reinforcement and he tries to he tries to bust through and just shatters and then like some asshole in his apartment is like fuck you.

This feels like a family guy cut away a bit where it's just a pile of shattered glass.

Oh no.

No, a family guy would cut away and it would be like Mrs. Kool-Aid and they'd be like, the babies burst through your uterine wall and she'd be like, oh no. And then he would burst through and be like, oh yeah. Seth MacFarlane, if you're listening, I need a job.

I think I know what it is.

Really?

No, but I have a dumb guess. I love it already.

I want to hear this dumb guess.

Okay, the pool is a popsicle. It's melted. The stick is a popsicle stick. I love what I'm hearing. He choked and then it melted. I think that's exactly what it is.

Or it's Ryan Reynolds. It's a Deadpool. Here's the solution. The man died from eating a poison popsicle.

Is that true? I think it's better that he choked. You need less information. And also, shit happens. You know what I mean? It doesn't have to be that someone murdered him. He just choked.

I've gone pretty hard on a popsicle before. Just be too excited.

That's the first time anybody's ever used that phrase. Nobody has used those words in that order, ever.

Y'all got rocket pops before. I can't believe I just tried to do like a fuck you like dumb answer. And you nailed it.

You absolutely nailed it.

I think that's... As you were saying it, I knew it was right. You know what I mean? I would have thought of that, but I knew it was right.

I think as the more we do this show, the more I think our brains are adjusting to like the garbage quality of riddles.

Well, yeah. But it is kind of like the New York Times crossword formula, right? Where you have your filler, you're like, it's gonna be Sealy. Yep. It's gonna be Sealy Mattresses. It's gonna be, like, Eastside Morales I never had a relationship with until the New York Times crossword, and now he is in every clue.

Alan Alda Arya Stark.

I'm so tired of all the awards Alan Alda's won. They used that as an opportunity to, like, list all the things he won.

I'd like to see a scene before we move on. J.P.C., you're sort of an off-brand ice cream truck that's driving around the neighborhood. For sure. And like, you pick whatever weird song plays when you come by, and then you two are two kids running up thinking that they're about to get real ice cream, but they probably only have poison popsicles.

That means he's Jurassic Park-ing! Mr. Ice Cream Man! Yes, welcome to my ice cream van. Hello. My sister and I would like to... Hello. I'm sorry? You said hello. I was just saying hello back. Oh, that's... uncommon for those people. This is my sister. Hello. I am her brother.

I'm Sasha. Hi Sasha.

And my name is Domingo. Great. What can I get you kids? Well, let me take off my Panama hat and fan my face. Sorry, I just got back from Cuba.

And I will take off my fur toque because I have a Russian name. And why was I wearing this on a hot day?

Our parents dressed us after our namesakes. Sure. I'm named after Placido Domingo.

I am named after Sasha.

And I'm named after an American Girl doll. Oh, which one? My name is American Girl doll. I go by, uh, ADD. Okay, that doesn't make sense.

Can we have two of your finest popsicles?

Name brand.

Here's the menu right here. Okay, Otter Pops. I'm sorry? Otter Pops, I see. Ah, that's Otto Pops. Oh. From the Simpsons character Otto. It's a popsicle in the shape of a bus.

Why does it have all that curly hair in mind?

Because Otto had curly hair. That's horse hair. That's not people hair, so you can eat it. Like a violin bow.

Wait, can you not eat human hair because it's like poisonous to you if you're human but you can't eat horse hair?

No, you can't eat horse hair. I've been told not to eat people hair.

You don't think that people get killed when you use their hair, right? It's not like a use all the person situation. You can just cut someone's hair.

I've just been kicked out of too many Arby's to have this debate over and over again. I will not eat people hair and I will not sell people hair.

Can I ask you about two popsicles here? Oh, the two popsicle?

Yeah. Yeah.

Is that a two-chains themed? No, it's a two-pop theme.

It's a two-pop-sicle. Oh, okay. Yes. I do have a two-chains themed popsicle.

Okay. What about the Poirot popsicle? Or the, uh, Old Lace?

What about the Arsenic one that's right next to the Old Lace? Oh!

That's a mistype. That's an Arsenio Popsicle. Oh, I want that one! I want that one! Oh, you know what? We actually ran out of those in 1991, so we don't have any of the Arsenio Popsicles left. So this is like a pop culture popsicle stands. Truck. Yeah, it's a popsicle. That's what pop stands for. Pop culture. It's a pop culture circle.

So is there any ice cream or anything that's actually edible? No. Just more conversation topics?

Unfortunately, this is just an excuse for me to have conversations with children.

Oh, so it's like a one-upsmanship. If I ever get a boat, I will name it the Wandsonship.

You must. You must.

Now we just gotta get me that money.

Yeah, let's get out of the boat.

That's a good use of your time. Okay, here's a even more broad scenario. Okay. Two dead people sit in their cars on a street. And boy oh boy, this could be a million different answers. Two dead people sit in their cars on a street. Multiple cars.

Is it just that their marriage is dead?

Oh, and they have to drive to work separately.

Yeah. Or they're not dead heads, right? I mean, I would say. Because otherwise they'd just be waiting to get into a concert. Yeah. That would be amazing.

I do like referring to dead heads as dead people. Like, that's like a 2019. Like, Jinder's over. They're dead people, you know?

Also, isn't a dead head like a thing where you get on a plane and you're not the pilot, but you're a pilot? What? You're riding? What does that mean? I'd be able to catch me if you can taught me that. Yeah.

Okay, okay. Or if you have a pilot pin on you, if that counts. So, let's start spitballing some scenarios.

Couple of dead people in a car. What the fuck have we been doing?

That's so big. I know. Two dead people sit in their cars on a street.

Okay, so they might not even be in the same car.

It's Jerry Seinfeld and Jay Leno and they're getting coffee.

They're still at it, guys! Decades later, they're still at it. Two dead people sit in their car, so they could have just, like, had a car accident and killed each other. You were very warm.

What? That's warm.

I'm bleak. First of all, we've all seen apocalyptic movies, so it could be any of those. We're just like, everyone's dead in their car and you're the person weaving through it in the empty highway as a tumbleweed rolls by. Goodbye. Birdbox?

They're two long-lost siblings and they're seeing each other for the first time and they're so excited to see each other that they hit their cars at each other and they both die.

This is a metaphor for late stage capitalism. Everyone in their car is dead. Everyone in their car is dead. You're running through your routine. You're going to your job. Nothing fucking matters. The world is ending and we're all fucking dead. We're all toast. We're all Thanos snapped away. And is that right? Cold. Very cold. Great. But follow my blog.

So it's a car crash. It is a car crash. It's a very specific conditions.

One person had a heart attack and they lost control and they hit the other car and that person was killed on impact because of the crash.

No, but that worked.

Here's the problem with this terrible riddle. One person was already dead, and it's one of those cars with the dead people in the back.

Oh, a hearse?

Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry.

You mean Toyota Corolla?

Yeah. A Honda Accord.

Famously, there was a recall because they actually put a dead person in every single Toyota Corolla.

Is one of the cars a hearse? No.

See, I like your version. Patty Hearse.

Is anyone ever made that joke? I'm sure not.

They're driving in Stockholm. It doesn't have to be a finished idea, Erin. Just get the idea out. She empathized with the car, so she also crashed. So I'll give you some... Is it Dave Matthews Band's crashing domain? A man who could only think literally was listening to that song. He is under the table and dreaming. I'll give you some breadcrumbs. This crash probably took place in London and we can think about London weather conditions. How good is your British accent?

I mean, fair to middling.

Okay, I want to see a scene. Janet and JPC, you are two British Parliament members debating about new rules for the road.

Right, right, right. I agree with you in principle, I agree with you in what you're trying to do, but I think if you take all the lines away, it's going to be much harder to navigate.

Oh boy, I don't understand who even made it to Parliament without accent, you know clearly from the sticks at best.

I'm a legacy.

No one's going to listen to your ideas, no one's going to pay attention to your ideas.

Speed bumps everywhere. It's raps basically.

Are you referring to cocaine? Someone of your caliber would no doubt always be referring to some sort of drug.

Hear me out a little bit. Cocaine in every car. Traffic is bad. You do a little bump and then suddenly everybody's chilled out. You know how cocaine traditionally chills everyone out.

First of all, you've misunderstood the entire meeting. Absolution. We are here to discuss the board game, The Road, based on Cormac McCarthy's novel. And for some reason, we've been tasked with understanding and ascertaining what the rules will be of this game.

I read all the pretty horses, so I feel like I have a strong understanding of the basic mechanics of the game. Even though, when I say I read it, I mean, I watched the Matt Damon movie. But I get it. Post-apocalyptic little boy and his father. Right? Satan.

You should have asked JPC if he could do a British Eggman.

Oh, I know his strengths and weaknesses. It was so great to see a British Parliament member talk to a member of Australian's cabinet. So here's the situation. Because there was a heavy fog, Two people driving in the opposite directions on the same road, both stuck their heads out the window to see the center line better. Their heads hit each other. Oh! They switched bodies. At high speed.

This is a Ryan Riddle movie.

I've seen this. It was Jamie Lee Curtis and... That came out in 2002.

I would love it if Jamie Lee Curtis and Ryan Riddle were in a body swap movie. Like, take two people that have already been in body swap movies.

That happened to them in real life. Yeah, they happened to swap back. Whoa, whoa.

That would be so fucking cool to see a sequel to two different mind swap universes. I would also be very excited about that.

What was 18 again? Was that body swap or just 17 again? I think it was body swap.

17 again.

The George Burns movie?

Is it 18 again? I thought it was 18 again.

I think it's 17 again. The one starring George Burns? Nobody look it up.

He wants to go back and revisit the first day he could vote. So it's definitely 18 again. What an honor that was.

Jamie Lee Curtis's body swap movie... Freaky Friday.

Was a remake. Oh could be Jamie Lee Curtis and Jodie Foster swapping bodies. Yes.

Jodie Foster was in the original. Oh man, that would be so fun.

And no one wants to see Lindsay Lohan in that. No, no, no.

Speaking of speed bumps and hitting the slopes.

Nobody told me recently that she's campaigning to be Ariel in the Little Mermaid. And I'm like, give it to her. Give it to her. Take all of our money. I need to see it.

Honestly, I'll see anything. I'll see anything. Here we go. Next one. Yes.

Is this all from the same source? No, we're bouncing around a little bit, but they're all bad. I don't care for these. I don't care for the people behind that last one.

What we found is that there's 10 Good Riddles in the world. We've solved those, and now we're scraping the bottom of the barrel.

This is like one of those books you buy on impulse in a 7-Eleven, like on a road trip with people. And then you're like, ugh, we shouldn't have got this. This is just making us sad. That's the entire vibe of the show.

It's 10 minutes into one of those books on a road trip.

Our new shirts just say, Hey, Riddle Riddle, this is making me sad. And we've sold one. Here we go. Bruce wins the race, but he gets no trophy. Again, this is a terrible riddle because there's many different possible answers. Bruce wins the race, but he gets no trophy.

He's the best white guy.

It's because, as we all know from Bruce Springsteen's songs, the factory that makes the trophies goes down, and everyone lost their job. It's like, in the middle of winter, winter,

Hey little girl, is the trophy home? Did it go away and leave you all alone?

That's the best answer possible.

Is that right?

Is that correct? That is incorrect. But remember that video with Courtney Cox dancing with the trophy? Yeah.

Adal just danced. He didn't need to. It's just audio.

Can't start a trophy without a bruce. So is the name Bruce important in this? Is that key or is that just a genius detail?

It's not really. Okay, so it's not Dr. Bruce Banner. It is not Dr. Bruce Banner. It's not Bruce Almighty. It's not... Shwing. Who's that? Sorry. Is somebody in Wayne's World named Bruce? Sure.

Yeah, Adal, let's go with that idea, you fucking idiot. You're the one that got the reference wrong. And Bruce, you bought a section swing? That's right.

Great. Now back to Wayne's World. So Bruce wins the race, he gets no trophy.

Okay, Bruce wins the race.

And it's not, I love the idea. I think, Erin, you said Best White Guy, which is along the lines of like, it could be like a political race.

Yeah.

It is not a political race.

Or also just like Aryan Nation.

Or it's racial. Aryan Nation. I hear Lindsay Lohan is campaigning to play Aryan Nation.

Letter. Take our money. No one's standing in her way of anything and I think the world will be better.

I mean, surely there are just a lot of races where you don't get a trophy, so I'm angry already.

Not in 2019 all these fucking kids get trophies.

It's participation trophies.

Save it for the blog! We'll say, maybe a little hint, is that this race, let's say bluegrass, this this the Bruce what the fuck? I'm having a stroke Bruce Bruce's favorite music is bluegrass music and that's a little that's a little hamp

Fastest banjo picking. It's a race to see who can pick the fastest.

Was it a race to see who could stop listening to a jug blower?

Get out of my way!

I think bluegrass music is like hillbilly porch music.

I actually kind of like bluegrass music. She found it! She found one! Run!

I love the dulcimer. For those who couldn't see, Janet was miming playing a saxophone.

I would love to see someone just blowing into a saxophone from a distance.

Blowing at a saxophone is what you're saying. That helped not at all.

I feel further away from any answer. So what do we know about bluegrass, not the music? This is a question that sucks. Kentucky. Yes.

He's the Kentucky Derby. It's a hat. You win a hat. A derby hat. You win the rose thing. You win a bushel of roses in a wreath shape. In a wreath shape. In a wreath shape. In a wreath shape. Listen to her.

She said in a wreath shape. So Janet pretty much got it, but we just need to know what Bruce is, and I can't stress enough.

Bruce is a horse.

I can't stress enough. Bruce is not a hat.

He's a jockey. He doesn't have hands. Bruce is a horse. Bruce is a horse.

Bruce is a horse.

He doesn't have hands. You can't pick up a trophy.

So I think that that riddle would have been a little easier, but a little different if it had been like, Papa's golden ticket. Yes! Okay, cool. I think they purposely don't give like a fun horse name. Adal, if you had a horse name, what would it be?

Um, Consternation Factory.

It is, frequently, feels like it's like an algorithm that a computer, it's like the first cute computer algorithm naming thing.

It's like how, what's his name? Glover, what's his name? Donald Glover. Donald Glover? Wait, Danny Glover? From Community.

Donald Glover.

How Donald Glover got Childish Gambino? He just went to like a thing that made like mafioso names or something or rap names. Wait, is that true?

He went to one of both, I don't think so.

So let's all, we're all gonna say our favorite word. Okay. On three, and then we're gonna combine those into... We'll just go around in the room and order, so I'll start with myself, go to Janet, we'll go to JPC, we'll end with Erin.

Okay.

This is my favorite word in no particular order. This is my top number one favorite word in no order. So folks, we can't stress enough, this Kentucky Derby season, place all your money on the horse Ocelot, Benedictine, Pretzel.

Melancholy. Pretzel's your favorite word? I can't emphasize enough, Benedictine is not my favorite word. Cannot emphasize enough.

Pretzel's my number one favorite word. No order of top ten, definitely.

I would definitely bet on Pretzel, would not bet on Melancholy.

I think Pretzel's a good horse name though too.

Melancholy, someone would definitely be like, oh, this is gonna be one of those like reverse-thinking psychology. Melancholy has high confidence and is happy all the time.

It's also like what an asshole would name his dog, like Melan.

That's my dog. My dog's name is Spaghetti and I've been joking with Mariah that I want to get another dog and I'm like if I get another dog I want to name it website. I don't know why but like I think website is a great name for a dog.

That's really funny. I don't mind it. I don't mind it.

Yelling website at a dog in public like, website!

What are you, website!

And then people are like, what? Why?

I'd like to see a scene. I'd like the three of you to all be horses before the Kentucky Derby and you're really just trying to like get into each other's heads.

Gotcha. Can I just ask a favor before, I know this is, we're all trying to win and we all want those... No, no, if you need a favor, listen. We're here for you as much as we can be. When I die, will you mourn me?

Tall order. That's a venti.

I just don't want to be forgotten because as we all know many of us will die today specifically and I just don't want to be forgotten.

Well I can't guarantee that we also won't die today so I guess for me it's tough to make a promise I don't know if I can keep because I could be one of the fallen.

Yeah, I think we all have that stomach knot before we raise.

Okay, please. Stomach knot is my name, Rubik's Cube. I don't use my name in a derogatory way. I didn't get to pick it. I'm a horse. If you could pick your name, what would it be? My birth name is... You know that. But they call me Stomach Knot.

In fairness, you do have great abs.

Yeah, I've never seen a horse with a six-pack.

What I lack in dick, I make up for it. It's unnerving.

And you've actually started the new cultural phenomenon of calling six-pack horse abs. Yes, horse abs. Or in our native tongue.

Buddy, buddy, buddy.

Y'all are just traitors and you use your people names, but I use the horse names that we were born with.

Well listen, it's fine for you because your mother was a horse, therefore you're a horse. Now my father was a horse, so I don't really speak the language or celebrate.

Okay, we get it. You're a centaur, Rubik's Cube. We all know you're a people of the top, horse of the bottom.

The fact that they're letting you complete it all is, uh... Well, he doesn't have that much jockey.

I am my own jockey, yes.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, I'm the part of the horse of the horse of the horse of the horse of the horse of the horse of the horse of the horse of the horse of the horse of the horse of the horse of the horse of the horse of the horse of the horse of the horse of horse of the horse of horse of horse of horse of horse of horse of horse of horse of horse of horse of horse of horse of horse of horse of horse of horse of horse of horse of horse of horse of horse of horse of horse

Oh, you're getting further away from it.

You're getting further... We are approaching Peanuts teacher.

We are approaching Peanuts teacher. Peanuts teacher's a good horse name. Here we go. Okay, Mr. Black.

You said that like you thought someone else was about to say it. Here we go.

Janet, whenever you're ready, you're Riddle. You didn't have one prepped? Alex, Adal's catchphrase is, here we go, and then six seconds of silence. That's like my fun routine.

Classic Alex.

Classic Alex.

Fucking Alex.

Did I ever tell you my parents almost named me Nick?

Really?

But then they, yeah. So my mom was pushing for a more American name. So she was pushing for Nick and then my dad is Palestinian so he was pushing for something more Arab. But they thought the name Nick Rifai sounded too close to macrophilia.

They were not wrong. They were thinking. They were really thinking it through. That's nice. It would have been fun to bully you.

But I don't think kids would even get there. In grade school, nobody knows that term.

What grade school did you go to? I forgot you're from Indiana. I'm from Indiana. Everybody fucking corpse is in Indiana. We grow soybeans and we fuck the dead. That's on every license plate, right? That's the Indiana slogan that's on every license plate.

Mr. Black asks for tea and gets $5,000. Then he asks for eyes, but Mrs. White can't give it to him. Oh my god. This is Jeopardy! Say it again.

Say it again. I can't believe I'm about to say this, but it sounds like there's too much information in this one. Yeah. And I never thought I would say that. These stinkers. I feel Janet is crying blood. Oh, I'm calling Riddle stinkers from now on. You stinkers! What a bunch of duds.

Oh, God. Yeah, this one's a real dud stinker.

Okay, Mr. Black asks for tea and gets $5,000 and Mr.

And then he asks for eyes, but Mrs. White can't give him any.

And he asks for eyes, but Mrs. White can't give him any. Yeah, for sure Mrs. White, well I don't know if Anna White's married. This is English Parliament. I don't know if that's her maiden name.

This is English Parliament. Everyone knows that in England, you drink tea. They come for a vote. He asks for some eyes. The eyes don't win. We have Brexit.

There's no deal and... Save it for the blog.

You really have an agenda this episode.

Is eyes like the letter I? Are eyes like on your face?

Um, I think JPC and Janet are there.

Frickin' frickin' it.

No offense, but do we want to go ahead and say it out loud? Yeah, on the count of three.

Instead of just mouthing it to each other quietly, we have not been doing that.

Wait, should we speak onto the podcast? Okay, I do want to officially submit this into the record. Ready? One, two, three. The price is right.

Wait, the price is right. I was so ready to say yes and and.

Janet, are you not familiar with Vanna Wright? Vanna Wright.

Jim Price, Vanna Wright, together there. I guess one is the other. Oh, it's a body switching thing. I got it. I got it. Price is right. And right is price. And I'm sorry.

Got it. Just the general motif on this show is that I'm supposed to be the stupid one. I contractually cannot get an answer to a Riddle correct. Got it. Otherwise, it just breaks the whole illusion.

I bet I do as a stupid one.

Well, Erin, it takes two to make a village, you know what I'm saying? I'd like to see a scene. This will be... Are we all familiar with Clue, the movie, I guess?

Oh hell yeah.

Great. So we're all... Actually, at the TV show, by the way. The board game. We're all people with colorful last names, but we're all famous people with colorful last names.

I'm sorry.

And there's been a murder. I'm sorry? When you say famous people... So like Mr. Black might be Lewis Black. Got it, got it, got it, got it, got it. Like Mrs. White. Mrs. White here was Vanna White.

Mr. Purple might be Deep Purple, the band.

Janet, I have to say, that is laminated now. You are contractually obligated to play Deep Purple.

Alright, will do. We are all in. And what if you can't think of one? Will someone give one to you?

Erin, you can be Black Sabbath, the band.

Erin, you could be the famous Colonel Mustard from the game. Technically, he is a celebrity. Everyone knows who he is. I'm Colonel Mustard. But he's a female Colonel. Heck yeah.

You could be Steve Yellow. Steve Yellow. Or Yellow Card. You could be the Cold Place on Yellow.

One name makes it very okay.

Mr. Blue Sky. Thank you all for coming to my mansion. I have to apologize.

Thunder Lightning.

Thank you. I have to apologize for the thundered lightning. I do want to let you know that there has been a Mierda.

A Mazda Mierda?

There is a Mazda Mierda blocking the entrance, so whoever, here's what we'll do. We're going to play a game to- It's a cherry, right? Is it a 91? That's mine. It is not. So what we have to do is play a game to suss out who here owns the Mazda Mierda.

So no one has died?

No, no one has died.

Oh, well then I mean-

What was that?

Oh, I was going to say, not like any of your wars. Also I hope no one expects me to remember any of our songs.

Yes, Colonel Mustard, you famously fought in many wars.

Yes, all the ones with

The Condiment War.

The Great War.

You took the Battle of Chicago pretty well.

Yes.

And that was fought 9 to 5, correct? Yes. 1999 to 2005. 25 or 6 to 4.

That's what it was. You're thinking of Dolly Parton, Bitch.

Big my parton. Big my parton. Sorry, sir, you with the 91 cherry red... Sir!

Sir! It's King. King Crimson. And please don't expect me to remember any of us on the scene.

That went very well.

Honestly, that prying pink scene. One of our best. Let's do one more and then we're gonna take a break. So this is the last one we'll do for this half. This is, a young woman is wished away to a far-off land where she kills the first person she meets.

It sounds like you said wished away, but I'm guessing he was whisked away. Oh, she's whisked away.

Yeah. Adal only knows it as wishing eggs because he can't make the eggs himself. So he just asks other people for scrap of eggs.

I call bowls whisking wells. Olive a wish key. Rocks.

Whisked away to where?

Genie, can I have three whiskers? Whatever you want, buddy. Whatever floats your boat. A young woman is whisked away to a far off land where she kills the first person she meets. Then she teams up with three others to kill again.

Oh my god, is this Casey Anthony?

I know this. That sounds like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz.

The answer is the young woman is Dorothy and the story is The Wizard of Oz. But that also is Casey Anthony's thing, right?

Oh my god. Vlog! JPC, vlog!

I'd like to see a scene. Vlog! Erin, you're gonna play Dorothy. JPC, you're gonna be the Cowerly Lion. Janet, you're gonna be the Tin Man. And I am the Scarecrow. And we're going to be plotting murder.

Oh boy.

What if we get caught?

Don't be a little idiot.

That's not my thing.

Yes it is.

Okay, sorry. Um, so how are we gonna do it, Dorothy?

Is that what your voice is?

Thank you. You brought me to life.

I guess I did, oh boy. Well, I think it's your responsibility to actually do the killing. I'm sort of like the one who organizes the killing.

Tin Man, you don't have any fingerprints. Perhaps you could hold the weapon.

Somebody pee on the tin man so he can speak.

Oh, certainly it can't be me. Did a tin man get stung by a jellyfish?

No, but that's how you oil out the tin man so he can speak.

I don't have any pee.

Oh boy.

I've used it all in my pants.

Ah, here I go. I'll be the one to pee.

Ooh, praise you. Is this, see, is this the porn version?

Are you turned off?

Uh, I gotta go.

Then yes.

Let's take a quick break. Jana, on a scale of 1-10, how happy do you do this episode?

Uh, 100% happy. On a scale of 1-10, 100% happy.

Listeners, whatever number you're hearing has been edited in post-production, and we're gonna take a quick little break.

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And we're back with more Hey Riddle Riddle Hollywood Nights.

Hollywood Nights. It's the daytime.

Dammit Janet. What? Illusion of ruin.

No, that was unrelated. I just was singing to myself.

I was launching the Rocky Horror Picture Show by yelling, Dammit Janet. Isn't that a line? I'm ready. Yes. Janet, are you named after a new one?

I think it's one of those like it's a family name quote unquote like oh they wanted my parents wanted to do something that connected to something but they didn't want it to be particularly direct or exact so it was like like thumbing through some old ancestral yeah it's a family name and what's what is Varney what's the I think that is French and somewhere along the line, when it was anglicized, the E and the A switched. So it was Verne, which is a delicious sauce. Varney? It is?

It probably is.

I'm so very sorry. I'm just so deeply sorry.

Adal backed off of that immediately.

Like it was a classic Alex. Like that's the most offensive. Oh, classic Alex.

This is meant to be a serious question, not a joke. How many people in your life assumed that you were Jim Farney's, like, daughter? Countless.

Really? No. Everyone just asks, are you related to? No one wants to... And you're not, right?

No one's bold enough to think I could be a daughter. There's no connection? Not related.

In the comedy family.

How would you rank his movies?

On a scale from one to one.

No particular order. Number one with a bullet. No particular order. And the Olympic medals in no particular order are bronze to Erin.

Damn it!

Oh, I would love that.

We might be headed that way.

At your point, everyone gets a trophy. Sorry, sometimes I just think about how, remember when Michelle Kwan went back to the Olympics and we're all like, she's gonna get a gold. She's gonna get a gold. And then she got bronze. Do you remember that in the Winter Olympics, like 15 years ago? You think about that frequently? Yeah, because the whole country was like, you're gonna get a gold. And she had like gotten that silver before and then like cheated. And then she went back and she got a bronze. Am I remembering this wrong?

How was she cheated?

She just was like, she was, I don't know. I just feel bad for her. We just put too much pressure on her as a nation.

I can't believe I get to experience a situation where I am younger than Erin because I was born eight years ago and I don't fucking know who that is.

You don't know who Michelle Kwan is? And you were born in 2011? Okay, cool. I'm eight years old.

I want to see the briefest scene. Janet and Erin, you are casting directors for HBO. JPC, you are in to read to audition for the documentary or the biopic documentary Quantum Loop. That's great. The story of Michelle Kwan and you are auditioning.

Um, so we know that we're indoors and that it's the summer, but if you could do your best to just pretend to... I'm sorry?

What? I'm sorry.

If you could just pretend to like ice skate best you can. Okay. And try not to break your ankle. And try not to break, like don't laugh.

No, no laughing and I won't break character.

Just people have been coming in here giggling, giggling, and giggling.

Well because when you ask someone to pretend like they're ice skating and you're just in a small room, people think that's funny for some reason. But it's not funny. It's absolutely, unequivocally not funny.

And you gave me this slate as well? Yes. Okay. My name is Papa. How tall are you? I'm sorry? Gotcha.

In no particular order. For sure. How tall are you?

For sure. I am eleven-five in no particular order. My name is Papa Nichols. How many years ago were you born? Technically seven.

Your name is Papa Nichols.

Yeah, it's my dad was, of course. I'm a born-again Christian, so technically seven, and then the other answer to that would be thirty-one. And I am not willing to shave my beard. I am willing to shave my eyebrows.

Not good to know. And now I skate around the room and I really want you to make the noise, the noise that it would make.

Gotcha. Okay. And we can put those in the post? Nope. Great.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Hey folks, I just want to apologize. I was doing my hi-hats over here.

Please don't do that.

I'll move my drum set. I apologize.

Ernest, thank you so much. I appreciate it. This is not one of your movies. Ernest is so sarcastic. As you know, sometimes he likes to sit in for casting. He's like Tom Cruise. He likes to participate in every moment of casting. Ernest goes to Whiplash!

Not my tempo, Vern! See? Not my tempo, Vern.

Oh, Ernest goes to Whiplash. That sucks.

The first time he's heard now.

It's just him going to a movie, a movie Whiplash, and you just watch him. Hey, people love reaction videos. You're just watching him react and watching the movie Whiplash.

And the whole time everyone's like shut up, like shut up.

And I think you've been dead for a long time.

A dead guy is sitting in whiplash. He's not related to me, but people think he is.

Beautiful mind, beautiful mind. So we're going to switch gears a little bit. So what we're going to do now is a fun podcast. We're going to have fun. We're going to try. Here's what we're going to do. We're going to try. So what we have here is these are puzzles where we've omitted, it's a famous maybe phrase or saying or fact, and we've omitted basically the words, but we've left in either the numbers or the first letters of the words. So for example, if I were to say to you, 52 C in a D That would stand for what? 52 C in a D. Cops in a Donut Shop. Fuck.

No, you fulfilled your controversial obligation. I said cards in a deck. Somebody said, yes. You said cards in a deck.

Yeah, Erin and I are very much alike. It is car 52. Where are you in a Donut Shop? It is 52 cards in a deck. So that's how it's going to go.

We all kind of... Are you impressed that I know what cards are?

What do you think cards are? Little boats.

I don't know.

Here we go. So 13 in a BD. 13 in a BD.

Okay. 13 parking tickets in a bad day. That's the saying? Yes.

13 bagels in a deli to Baker's dozen.

Yeah, you pretty much got it. I know.

Doesn't have to be bagels. Is that what you're going to say?

The B is for baker's dozen, not bagel's dozen.

13 and a baker's dozen. What the fuck's a baker's dozen? I know what it is, a bagel's dozen. I'll have a bagel's dozen of muffins.

You get a bagel and then you get like 12 donuts.

A bagel's dozen is 12 of anything plus a bagel. And that's the premise of the movie. Cheaper by the dozen, right?

Is two bagels trying to raise 12 donuts?

I go to the grocery store, I get 12 eggs and a bagel. A bagel doesn't. My head hurts. I feel like if people ever meet me in real life, they're like, you can put a sentence together. You're the total fucking moron. How do you do it on the podcast?

Whoa. Seven wives.

Seven weeks of y'all week. What was it?

Seven wives.

It was seven wives for seven brothers.

For seven brothers. What is that about? Don't tell me.

Don't tell me. Let me see it. I actually, as a kid, as I was growing up, so my parents watched all the, well my parents divorced, but my mom watched Sound of Music all the time and also like all these old-timey, like Anne of Avonlea, Green Gables, and Oklahoma and all these movies. And I always conflated seven, she used to watch Seven Brights for Seven Brothers and I would watch that and think it was Oklahoma and I was way off. So I think, I think it's literally seven brothers get married and they all share like a house. They all share, yeah. There's another great factoid growing up.

No one cheats. Everyone keeps stays with their brother.

Yeah, it was made in like 52 or something. They're not gonna make it salacious. It's like real wholesome. It's a very wholesome.

Seven wives for seven brothers. That's the name of it?

Brides.

Seven brides for seven brothers.

Okay, but it's not seven sister wives.

No, that's a big love. It's one per. One per. One per.

It's just so... One P. Basically, it just means all your brothers got married. No, there's one perv.

We gotta back this up. First of all, take a bagel's dozen. Lose like, say, five of them.

Okay, I'm there. I'm there. Seven W of the AW. And I will, if you want to give me yes or no questions, I will answer those. If not, I can pepper in some hints.

What's the AW? And W Rupa. Seven Wows for the A&W Rupia commercial brought to you by A&W Rupia.

I don't want to get too political here, but I believe it's the attorney winner role.

Plot.

The Attorney Wineral? That's the Attorney General in Winter?

Yes. Okay. 7W. Of the AW.

Of the AW.

Of the AW.

7... AW could be Animal Wildlife. Here's a little hint I'll give you, and this is... Wonders of the all natural world.

Seven wonders of the alt-whites.

What would those be?

Jim, Jeff, David, Mark. Does anyone know what the seven wonders of the ancient world are?

I don't know what most of the... First of all, there's too many wonders. Pyramid.

There's too many categories. First of all, Janet got it right but made it way harder on herself than she did to. It is seven wonders of the ancient world.

I said the all-natural world, so I definitely did not get it right.

Mountain. Sea. Ocean. Here's, let's try and piece it together. So I know Colossus at Rhodes. In no particular order, these are my favorite. Colossus at Rhodes. We see the giant statue that stood on two platforms. Hanging Gardens of Babylon. Pyramids.

There's gotta be some.

Atlantis, I think, is one. You think Atlantis is one? Sorry. Hot Lantis. Hot Lantis.

Heaven Inhale. The Moon.

Locusts. The cruise control on a Honda Accord.

Does four horsemen count as four? I wonder who's that? You're thinking of the four Norsemen.

Hey Riddle.

Janet's making two arches. Two yellow arches. St. Louis. McDonald's and Times Square.

Arches monuments. Riverdale. Riverdale's a wonder. Seven wonders. It's Arches State Park. It's Zion Valley. It's just everything in Utah.

My vagina. Aaron's vagina.

Oh, I said Grand Canyon.

Great Wall of China. Great Wall of China.

That's got to be one of them.

So they stopped distinguishing between what's built and what's not built for the modern ones?

I think there's ancient wonders of the world, there's current natural wonders of the world, and then there's like man-made.

And then there's semi-natural in which man and woman use materials to make them.

Kim Kardashian. Did you know this thing dies its hair? It's not natural. Its natural color is brown. She's a natural brown. Here we go. Next one. Yes. A thousand... This is going to be an easy one. One thousand one A.N.

I think it's going to be the new one. 1001AN. A-N is after knife.

God damn it. 1001 additional Nalmatians. Nailed it. Got it. Move on. Next one.

That's like 900 Nalmatians too many.

There's so much self-loathing.

And Janet, in your head, what's a Nalmatian?

Cute dog. A black and white spotted dog.

1001AN. Is this a radio station?

And he thought it was gonna be easy. Let's do some meta-detectiving.

Welcome back to 1001 A.M. What do we know about Adal?

Adal thought it was what?

Oh, you thought it was too easy, so I'm trying to deconstruct based on your psychology.

But also I was kind of, I was trabec-ing it where it's like clearly the answer because I'm holding the card. So in my head I'm like this is gonna be easy one, but... Wait, is it Alec? I don't know. The thing is we can't know.

Is it Alex? And we'll never know. He changes it like every episode. Do you think people call him smart Alec?

They did up until recently.

Is that a new show based on his childhood?

That's good.

And that's good. If there's like a reverse, like now you answer all the questions, Smart Alex.

Yeah.

That would be amazing. It's the young Sheldon version of... Exactly.

That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying.

Cuz he always, like, somebody will answer like, blank, and he'll be like, oh no, I'm sorry, it's this. And it's like, you didn't know that.

You think he implied that he's implied?

1001 A.N. 1001.

Here's what I'll say. Adals Noggin. Earlier I made a joke about asking for three whiskers? Whiskers? Uh-huh.

Oh, or A.D.N. Knights.

There you go. A thousand one. Additional niches. There's no rule against asking for additional niches. I'm so sorry, we have to go back. I do want to see a scene with Janet playing, um, I don't, uh, Cruella de Vil.

Was it, were you about to say, I don't know her name and then you said it?

I was gonna call her Glenn Close, but then I'm like, oh yes, it's Cruella, it's in there somewhere. Is it season two of Damages?

I'm going to sue those Dalmatians for every penny.

I would love to see this, Eve. So we're going to have you beat Cruella Deville. You got your 101 Dalmatians. I'm sorry, 101 Dalmatians. So it was easier than you expected. So you're getting a little greedier. You want to set the bar a little higher. And the three of us are your henchmen to help do your bidding.

All right, you maggots. I had... Maggots?

That's an improvement. Usually she calls us, um, derps.

You think derps and maggots? There's like a hierarchy between... She calls me unlovable. You will dialogue.

Okay.

Sorry, boss. Shut up! Okay.

I've got the coat, I've got the bedspread, I've got the shower curtain. Now I want the whole house, the whole outside of the house to be covered in Nal Nations. But Miss, what if it rains? Shut up, unlovable. You, derp. Got any smart ideas about how you're gonna prevent it from getting waterlogged?

Yes boss, so maybe like we flip it to where the fur is facing?

I don't want to flip the house! I plan to live here the rest of my life!

Then why'd you hire the dirt brothers?

Oh, that's a good question. Listen, I'm becoming more and more Gilbert Gottfried by the fact.

You hired the Dirt Brothers.

Everyone knows there's a spell on me, and I become Gilbert Gottfried if you don't get me a hundred and a thousand and one Nel Nations. Help me, help me.

Now Nel Nations are hard to come by, but what we do have is I could make you a real nice set of possum pants. Now, these are live possums because I cannot figure out how to kill one of these things every time I think it's dead. Every time I think it's dead, I walk away, comes right back to life.

You peek my interest, go on.

So I can get you live possum pants. Now, you know, they're not the most comfortable things in the world, but they're durable.

How will I know if they're sleeping or they're dead?

I think you'll know. Same. Here we go. 12 S of the Z.

12 S of the Z. 12... 12... You got it. Secrets of Zelda.

12 signs of the... Mars gave me a knowing head nod, but I said 12 secrets of Zelda.

What was it? I bled out. You know it. Erin, you got it. Was it 12 signs of Zelda?

I'm not gonna give you the answer. 12 Sangri Zen.

You're a, you're a Gemini. You're a Sagittarius. Uh-huh. Did I get that right? Yeah. Oh. And you're a Secretariat? Wait, were those guesses? Well, I think they were like, I knew at some point.

A loose knowledge. A loose knowledge. I'm a Scorpio.

Do you mind sharing your birthday?

I don't, I'm an Aquarius. Oh yeah!

Is that why you're painting in the corner? Oh, I'm so original!

Why are you standing out of your head for the podcast?

And Janet's head has been in a fish tank this whole time.

Yeah, well, listen, that's how I think.

Nine P in the SS. JPC you can't answer this. Great. Nine P in the SS. We have nine perverts in the SS.

First of all there's gotta be more than nine. Yeah for sure. Adal, you were about to call for a singing in. Nobody wanted that.

There's no perverts allowed. Nine as in no perverts. Nine perverts.

Nine perverts. They're trying to do burr crimes. That's a joke if it's a penis is all.

What would my blog be at this point? What would my blog be at this point?

What would my blog be at this point?

What would my blog be at this point?

What would my blog be at this point? What would my blog be at this point?

What would my blog be at this point? What would my blog be at this point? What would my blog be at this point? What would my blog be at this point? What would my blog be at this point?

What would my blog be at this point?

Swing it, swing it to Swiss. Nine, nine numbers. Nine pockets in the table. Table that marks the jump.

That's part of a song from the music band. That's part of Music Man and I think you should keep going.

Nine poles in the Swiss streets.

Now we're getting back into the racing announcement person which I really like. Nine Peter Parker's in the Spiderverse. Ooh, the Spider-spur.

We've got to spruce it up.

They're too close. Wait, now I've forgotten. Nine P's? Here's what I'll say. Social Security. Nine Pirates of the Seven Seas.

Ooh, that works. That's better. It's better?

Are you being honest?

I am. Oh, classic Alex.

If you gave us the P, would it give it away?

Yes, so 9P in the SS, the hints I'll give is, Erin, you should 100% get this based on one of your famous catchphrases.

Planets in the solar system.

There are nine planets in the solar system. Wow. For now. Yeah.

What if all goes as planned?

Wait, I thought... I thought... What are we planning again? Are we planning again?

Are we planning again?

Are we planning again? Are we planning again? Are we planning again? Are we planning again? Are we planning again? Are we planning again?

Are we planning again? Are we planning again? Are we planning again? Are we planning again? Are we planning again? Are we planning again? Are we planning again?

Are we planning again? Are we planning again? Are we planning again? Are we planning again? Are we planning again?

Are we planning again? Are we planning again?

Are we planning again? Are we planning again? Are we planning again? Are we planning again? Are we planning again? Are we planning again?

Are we planning again?

Are we planning again? Are we planning again?

Are we planning again? Are we planning again? Are we planning again? Are we planning again? Are we planning again? Just straight up melted and we were like, we were fucking wrong. Our bad.

88 PK.

88.

88 PK. 88 PK.

88... Oh, I'm sorry. Flux Capacitors.

You have to go 88. This is my new favorite game is like Spoonerisms with Janet Varney, which is like... I guess that's not even a Spoonerism, but... 88 PK.

88 PK. Uh, boy, boy, pizza knife. Marty, we gotta go back to the plucks-kabammer.

Exactly.

88 is not a number of anything.

88 Precious Kittens now. That is the sequel to 1001 Now Nations.

Yeah, they're like, that is a hard box office bomb.

We gotta take it back to basics.

We gotta write this ship, yeah.

We gotta. 88 presidents, sorta.

Oh yeah, okay Erin great point.

A lot of those guys were double. You think sort of spelled.

Poop clouds. Let's say the hint is that every time an angel gets its wings, that is the best.

Excuse me? You're a medium, not a large. Just wanted to let you know, and now I get to go to heaven with my wings.

I want to see a scene. This is, it's a blunderful life. It's a blunderful life. JPC, you are playing a guardian angel who is like, should not, there's been an oversight and you should have been fired a long time ago, sent to hell. Sent to hell! Wow, yeah, you're right.

That is how an angel would get fired.

Janet, you're playing, I don't know, Kimmy Stewart? What's his character's name?

I mean, sure. You're playing Kimmy Stewart. I'll give you the moon scaring. Yeah, no, Erin's playing Kimmy Stewart, for sure, based on Erin's Dorothy.

Erin's playing Kimmy Stewart. And you're giving some bad advice to Kimmy as she's standing on top of a bridge.

Oh boy. What do I know?

No, no, no. I know this is shocking to you. I'm your guardian angel. I can see that you're in distress and you're about to do something drastic. Let me just say, I think you would look great with bangs.

What?

And I think you could do it yourself.

Oh boy. You think so?

I know you could. I know you could do it yourself.

Should I do it sober or drunk?

Well, if you want to do it drunk, you'll be more creative.

All right, what about before or after or during a breakup? You definitely cut my bangs?

Yes. Yeah, I think you should. Not only should you cut your bangs, I think you should do it during a breakup.

I need to see a scene within a scene. I need to see a scene within a scene. I need to see that they're breaking up and she has to cut her bangs in the middle of it for emotional reasons.

Okay, Adal, you're playing the boyfriend that she's breaking up with.

Oh boy.

What are you trying to say, Kimmy?

I'm saying that I don't think we should be together anymore.

What is that?

I'm cutting my bags. I'm a new woman.

Jeff, I know only you can see me. What you want to do here is you want to propose marriage or try to have a baby. That's gonna save this. I want to see how this plays out. It's not really framing her face.

Get down on one knee. You can do this, man. Everything's gonna change now that I have bangs. Things will really turn around.

I'm gonna get down on both knees, and then if it looks good, then I'm gonna adjust.

I'm gonna get bangs in one facial, and my whole life will be different.

I won't be depressed anymore. No, I'm good. I went out. I went out. Jeff, you should try to sleep with her sister.

I didn't realize that the bangs were gonna turn the relationship around. That's a twist. That's a twist. You could save it during.

I'll give a hint. For ADPK, every time you interact with these PKs, it's like you're petting an elephant. Particles of kerosene.

You, I, that sounded, you were very sure, a foot on that one.

Is there an element? What element?

Every time you elephant.

I am so sorry.

Piano?

It is 88 PF Chang.

Erin, you just nailed it. 88 Pecan? Pecan.

Aren't there more?

88 Pecan. Pecan Candies. Piano.

Keys, you said elephants, like ivory.

Yes. Oh, tickling the ivory. Tinkling the ivories.

I feel like it's not right to say anymore somehow. Are you supposed to use ivory to make... I'm pro-killing elephants. I wasn't looking.

I wasn't looking. I wasn't looking.

Famously, Erin's very staunch on this because elephants take so long to give birth.

She's like, just do... Oh, she's so over it. She's so over it. Over it. Get me out of here.

I think elephants are the only animal it's still okay to poach because they feel grief.

And so... You poach elephants? I sue VM.

And they think we're cute. Isn't that the saddest thing I've ever done?

Wait, Adal, why did you make me wish you an elephant? I said wish me an elephant.

You know how elephants think we're cute? Like they think puppies are cute? Yes. Or like we think puppies are cute? Wait. Do you think you have gorillas and kittens? Maybe. Nevermind. I don't know.

Remember Jane Goodall and all those kittens? I did watch a video of an orca whale giving someone, or a beluga whale giving someone their cell phone back after they dropped it in the ocean.

Is that true?

Yes, 100%. I'll send you the video, Erin.

Please.

I saw a video of a beluga whale dragging someone to the bottom of the ocean. I beluga whale fucker. Can you whale me? Nope.

They're playful. They're playful.

They are playful. 13S on the AF.

That's the second 13. This can't be good luck. 13 sarking tickets. 13.

I'm giving you a sarking ticket. Please do not make fun of my lisp. 13 sec on the AF. What were the letters?

13 S on the AF. 13 stripes on the American flag. If nothing else, I'm a patriot. If nothing else.

Who sewed the flag?

You would love my blog.

Betsy Ross. I'd like to see a scene. Janet, you're Betsy Ross, and you're trying to finish this flag in a pinch, and then you two are coming in. You can be whoever, but you're really distracting her.

Hey. Hey.

Bouncy.

Hey. Sounds like somebody came in with a gossip voice.

Yes, we heard a rumor that you're sewing a new flag for our nation.

Yeah, I happen to be sewing it right now.

I don't really have time to chat because I'm on a deadline. Well, we've heard about it. We've seen some mock-ups, I guess. Oh, on Pinterest? We've seen them on Spec. Yes. You know how people pin stuff to Striss, that little Erin boy?

We saw it on Striss. Nice save.

Thank you. I almost dropped my glasses, but I caught them. I do want to let you know... We saw... Yes, I did get out of that coma. Thank you so much. And I'm no longer an alcoholic. So I did want to let you know that we saw the design and we think that stripes make the country look fat.

Yes.

Does that make sense?

It has been Franklin. I have invested interest in not making the country look flat.

Invested interest in gonorrhea, am I right? That's it.

It's syphilis. I heard it too, I heard it too!

It's syphilis.

We heard gonorrhea.

This sing-song voice means I heard it too!

A little Carmelo Compi. Well, what should I do?

What should I do? A vertical stripe? I've already sewn half the flag. That's like seven and a half stripes.

What about a kite and a key? Okay, Ben, calm down. When you got a little wort on your little dick, gonorrhea, gonorrhea. What about like chevrons? Do you like chevrons?

What is that? Like a diamond?

Yeah, it's like a diamond.

Too much healthy people have been pinning things to me all over town and I'm bleeding out.

Oh, Strist!

Oh, I'm sorry. This is my message part.

Oh, I don't feel so well.

I do not feel well at all. Let's do two more. Why?

Let's all take a moment.

No, that deserves a real moment. This show is bad. Here we go.

ZC.

Five diamonds in a zubic cardamom. In a zubic zirconom.

Zubic zirconom.

That's correct. Five D in a ZC.

ZC.

In a ZC. Five dimensions in a... Zoo cage. Zoo cage.

Five D in a ZC. Z in a cage zoo.

Five Z... Wait, five... Here we have some bars, and this is a box, and over here we have a pit.

In the old days, they used to steal animals like this.

Five daemons in a we bought a zoo.

Oh, you're onto something. It's got to be a wine cooler thing. Oh! Zima. Something with Zima.

Zima cooler. Is it five degrees in a Zevon kicking? In a 98 degrees.

I don't know.

5D in a ZC.

Hint, please. 5 dogs in a Cezanne's. Oh, that's... I've already used the Z. I've already used the Z within the Z.

Every scene begins with Z. I want to give you hands. So all of us, I think, all of us have different ones from when we were born throughout our lives to current day.

Okay.

I believe we all have different ones from when we were born up until today. And also when we were born and when we were younger, we didn't have to bother with these. Our parents dealt with whatever had to do with these ZZs. ZC. ZC. I thought it was CZ.

ZC.

So if we can get the Z, I think that we'll be in better shape here.

Yeah, if you can guess the answer, then you get it.

I feel like Z is going to be the... There's less Z words. Certainly. Zenith. Zoo.

Here, I'll give you another... We didn't have to deal with it when we were kids because our parents did.

They took care of our... With whatever ZC had to do with... When you go to the dentist and you have a zoot canal?

Zip codes! Zip codes!

Five digits in a zip code. Five digits in a zip code. Is that zoot right being played in a canal? I don't know. Is it five digits in a zip code? It is five digits in a zip code. Oh, it is. It is five digits in a zip code.

That's interesting because there are nine digits in the natural postal code. What? Yeah, there's four more digits. Oh, there's a dash.

There's a dash. Save it for your blog, ABC.

My blog would suck at this point.

Also, my parents made me manage our zip codes. Oh my god, Janet, I'm so sorry. Yeah, I don't appreciate you saying I didn't have to worry about it. That's why I couldn't figure it out at first.

That's why, and you're insensitive, Adal. I am so sorry. But Janet, where are you from?

I'm from Arizona. I almost said Tucson that I thought I need to say. I almost said Tulsa. I've always wanted to be from Tulsa. Janet, where are you from?

I could say anywhere in the world.

I could be a whole new me. That's the first time I've been asked.

I'm from France, why not?

Tulsa, America's Tokyo. Here's the last one. Last one, then we're gonna close it out. Yes. Three bowel movements in a shitter. We got there immediately in the same direction. For those who can't see, Janet started to answer. She froze, there was four pictures, and she anamorphed into JPC. We did it!

We did it!

You Janet morphed into a toilet.

It's me, now I'm JPC also.

You Janet morphed.

I did. You Janet morphed.

The title of this episode has to be JANET MORPH. Oh, please. Um, 3pm SHTR. Honestly, that is the best fucking answer possible. You guys won. There's no system, but you guys get gold. Erin, you get like a bronze or something.

But this is no particular- I got bronze three times.

Uh, Adal, let me ask. We said 3 bms and a shitter. Is that anywhere close to what the right answer is? Absolutely not. Gotcha.

What is it? I give up.

No, you can't get- We've done no guessing.

Erin. Erin. I just don't know what it is. What it re- We have three BMs in a what?

S-H-T-R. Three BMs in an S-H-T-R. No, it's not in BMs.

I absolutely can't see past hours.

Yeah, me neither.

It's three BMs, and then in like parentheses, there's an additional phrase which starts with S-H-T-R.

Three beats per minute.

Three BMs.

Absolutely not. Three beats a minute. Absolutely not. He has a hairy beats minute.

Janet, you are wrong and you will leave.

It's not bowel movement. 3pm.

The time at the beep will be 3pm. What's your sexy... Oh, welcome to noon!

There you go. Three... Bites. Basket.

Three... Bridge magnets.

Three... Listen, this is a brainstorming session, guys. There's no right answer.

You gotta give this troll a bridge magnet or else he won't let you pass.

He is like a bridge magnet.

Three bonus modes.

What's the hint?

Yeah, can we get a hint?

The hint is when you were young and dealing with the dip codes, you would also probably know this and you would probably say it in a little sing-songy voice.

SHTR, is that so hard to remember?

Nope.

Damn it. SHTR? SHTR.

You would know this and you would say it in a smug sing-song manner.

Well no, my voice is just smug so I can see how you can choose that. I can't believe this is like so easy you guys. So it's 3pm SHTR. You would have known this on like the playground or maybe even earlier. Second hand to right. No.

Oh like three wrongs don't make a right? Yes.

I guess there might be tiny BMs as per your earlier guess, Janet Morph. There might be tiny BMs around the house. Based on whatever these are, there might be tiny BMs around the house.

Three bunny rabbits.

We're getting closer.

Three blind mice. See how they run.

See how they run.

See how they run. I did not know that part. So yeah, we were pretty close with BMs if it see how they run.

Didn't you say in NSH?

No, we said that because we could not get past.

Yeah, I tried to keep correcting you, but you wouldn't listen. We're going to see one final scene. This is going to take us to the close of the show. We're going to see one final scene. Sorry, Janet Morph and Erin, the three of you are going to be coming up with a new nursery rhyme that's for newer kids, for 2019 kids. Newer kids. Because Three by Mice is a little toned up, so we are going to write a new nursery rhyme.

Okay, cool. What are kids into? Well you're eight, you know.

You know, you get it. Well eight-year-olds nowadays we really love mommy.

Three mommies.

I'm sorry, no, not free mommies. That's going to be way too confusing for kids.

Okay, okay. What about two moms?

If you have lesbian parents who get divorced, one gets remarried. Yeah, three mommies.

I think three mommies works. Three mommies. Okay, three mommies.

That fits most people's world view. Three mommies, and my mommy's always doing very nice things for me. She's teaching me lessons. She's helping.

Three mommies making salad. Three mommies making salad. What rhymes with salad? Gluten.

I'm sorry I was doing metaphorical rhymes. I didn't realize we were doing literal rhymes.

I don't know what either one of those words mean.

For to me, it already sounds too upbeat. So if we qualify and say, this is an upbeat ballad. Three mommies making salad. This is an upbeat ballad. What is the lesson there? Kids need lessons.

All right, folks, we're ready to lay down the track. We do have Jim Varney's in the studio on the drums. So here we go. This is going to be the finished product. We have one take just due to the year 11 funds.

We're going to have to make up the second verse on the spot.

Here we go.

And three mommies make a salad. This is an upbeat ballad. In this song you won't find a lesson. But the salad might have dressing.

French avocado ranch. And now we're going to have Michelle Coan skate through the studio. Get that thing out of here! Janet, thank you so much for being on the show.

Thank you, I haven't used up all my laughter for the day.

You have a set amount of laughter.

No more joy today.

Because we didn't have any outlets in the room so Janet couldn't recharge for laughter. I wasn't able to. Janet anything you would like to, speaking of plugging in, anything you'd like to plug?

Listen, I think you plugged it at the top. You can listen to the JV Club and I'm also on Voyage to the Stars, which is an improvised space podcast. I'm very excited for possibly any and all people in this room to eventually be on it as we are doing more.

Absolutely.

Yes, please. That's it. That's all. Let's keep it simple.

Simple Like Salad. JBC, anything to plug? Simple Like Salad. You can find my dressing on Twitter at JPSofly. You can find my dressing on Instagram at sharkbarkman. If you like this show, you might like our Patreon. You can find our Patreon at patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle. It's $5 a month and you get a bonus episode every frickin' Friday. And access to JBC's blog. And you get access to my blog. Overflow! That's what it's called. We might do an overflow blog where I just talk about all my Trump But I won't. I'll never do that. Erin, do you have anything to plug?

Just follow me on Instagram, Erin Keif10, and I'll plug all my shows there.

Awesome. I would like to thank Mars for helping us out this whole time in LA. Thank you. Producer, extraordinary Mars. Also, thank you to Headgum for having us and hosting us, and please check out the other podcasts on the Headgum network. And, Erin, there's nine in the SS. Of course, the most famous one is... Jay.

Jupiter.

Bye forever.

This has been Hey Riddle Riddle, created by Adal Rifai, starring Erin Keif and John Patrick Coan. AG Snyder did the editing.

That was a hate gun podcast.