Which Riddle Riddle?

Bark bark bark, JPC. Me hungry.

Adal, we've talked about this, my man. If you do that, I will feed you, but it will be dog food.

That's fine.

Okay, I mean, I think I know what's going on. You want the dog food because you know that I use Ollie dog food.

Ruff ruff.

Ollie's fresh recipes are developed by real chefs and backed by vet nutritionists. They're obsessed with making the best meals with the highest quality ingredients for dogs. Now, I gotta say, Adal, you can eat it. I don't think you're gonna like it as a human. This is specifically for dogs.

It just looks and sounds so good. Also, with Ollie, you don't just get food through their app. You can actually check in on your dog's health with real vets. Just by uploading a picture of your dog, not of your Adal, their team can check in on your dog's weight, digestion, coat, all because they're obsessed with making sure your pup is as healthy as can be.

I wonder what happens if I upload a picture of Adal. Let me just try it now. They said, oh, they said, this dog is very sick. Take this dog. Take this dog. It says to a people hospital. I switched to Ollie, I tried it out, my dog Spaghetti absolutely went nuts for Ollie. She is a dog, one of these types of dogs, I don't know if you've heard of, have you heard of these types of dogs? She's the type of dog who you can like put the food in her bowl and then she'll just like see it in there all day and only eat it when she's hungry. Now, when it's time for dinner, at about four o'clock every day, she comes up and starts snapping at me like, hey man, get the Ollie out of the fridge, put it in the bowl, dude, you gotta be getting faster at this. She absolutely loves it, and it's the first food that I've ever given her that she actually seems to be interested in. So get ready for both you and your pup to be obsessed. Head to Ollie.com slash Riddle, tell them all about your dog, and use code RIDDLE to get 70% off your welcome kit when you subscribe today. Plus, they offer an obsession guarantee. If you're not completely obsessed, you'll get your money back. That's O-L-L-I-E dot com slash Riddle. And enter code RIDDLE to get 70% off your first box. Can't confirm the promo code works because I used it. I used my own promo code for my own podcast. That's how much I like the product.

Oh, shoot. I just remembered I buried some bones in the backyard. And by bones, I mean Erin. Let me go dig her up.

Oh, boy. Ollie, feed the obsession.

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

Hey y'all, before we get into the episode, we do have a special announcement. We have a live show at Shoebiz. The first one sold out, so we added a second. Hooray! Shut up. It's gonna be Friday, August 16th. It's gonna be at 7pm. You're gonna wanna buy tickets. Hooray! Shut up.

Do it now because before you didn't do it and you were sad and now you have time to do it. Go buy tickets now.

I think that tickets are $15. That's a steal. And we're stealing from you.

We're gonna do like a meet and greet right after the show. So go to ShoeBusiness' website or go to our Twitter and look at our pinned tweet. We have the link there. I think you can also go to headgum.com slash live to see our live show schedule there as well.

And if you have tickets for the late show for the 10 p.m., it's completely improvised. Both shows are going to be absolutely different. So check both out if you're in town.

And since it's our show, it's gonna be bad. Now enjoy the episode.

No shit, all Sherlock, it's Hey Riddle Riddle, Hollywood Nights. Hollywood Nights.

Hollywood Nights. Everyone always looks to me to say it like you do.

Better LA than never. Do we still find that one fun?

I like that one better than Hollywood Nights.

I had a dream that I said it on this episode, and I got wild support.

Yeah, people started applauding.

Well, just you two supported it. You dreamed about this episode before we recorded it? That's an impossible pressure to put on yourself.

How did I do?

Can I also say, in the dream, Erin, you were great.

Great. What was my funniest joke, do you think?

You had a bit where somebody asked you about superpowers, and you said you wish your superpower was that you could turn into a dinosaur, but it took like two weeks. Like the cover of an Animorphs book.

And it was very painful. It was super painful.

It's a lot of like you hope that your superpower is that you hope that the criminals are deterred by that.

Yeah.

Because you can't really do anything because it's so painful that it's almost like when Goldblum turns into the fly.

It's like how elephants are pregnant for two years. It takes a long time to make an elephant.

Are you guys familiar with the Animorphs? The book covers always had one person changing five steps into an animal.

I never opened one, but I remember the covers.

Yeah, the covers. I wish that I had the superpower that any Animorphs book I touched, I could morph into that book. That would be my ideal super power.

Oh, JPC, dream bigger.

Or better.

I want to see fan art where it's a dabomorph. So it's JPC in a tank, and then slowly him dabbing. Over the course of five still images, it's you dabbing. I would buy that. I would hang that in my apartment.

I want that, but I want Adal turning into JPC and vice versa.

And Adalmorph. Have we started the show yet? I'm JPC.

Yep, we did. We solved riddles.

We're still in my dream. And Adal, we have a very special guest today.

A very special guest. This is one of my favorite comedians. She hosts the JV Club. She's on a podcast called Voyage to the Stars. You might have seen her in Stand Against Evil. You might have also heard her in one of my favorite shows of all time, The Legend of Korra, as the titular Korra. The titular legend. I'm sorry? I'm in the middle slash end of an introduction. If it's the middle of the introduction, that's a long introduction. You feel like a big man? Yeah, of course. I'll also say I have three favorite laughs in podcasting. Number three is Erin Keif. This is in no particular order, but... Even though you numbered them.

If you rewind ten seconds, you'll hear my heart break.

Because you're turning into a dinosaur. It has to split in half and then grow four more quadrants. Number three is Erin Keif. Number two is Justin McElroy. My number one favorite laugh of all time, Janet Varney.

Welcome to the show, Janet. But not in any ranking. There's no ranking.

You're first, but what does first mean? You said number one of all time in no particular order.

Look at my tears. Oh, Erin.

Oh, Erin. Whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever.

Janet, thanks so much for being on the show.

Thanks, guys. About two more hours, I will have morphed into a good podcast guest. In the meantime, I'm going to be in tremendous discomfort. It is awful.

You do need to know that this podcast will never morph into a good podcast, but you're wonderful.

That is not worth the adjustments to my spine that are happening right now in that case.

Janet, what is your relationship with riddles, with lateral thinking? I know you do a show about escape rooms.

I did, yeah, I did. Oh, you did? What's the name of the show? It was a show called Escape! And it was something I did for Geek & Sundry and I was the host and we actually built puzzles and escape rooms that we Riddle Riddle

Your hands are covered in splinters.

It's bad. The fingers I have left are. But we had this, they were really, really complex rooms, but because we were shooting at Geek & Sundry and there's just like one studio that we could use, we had to shoot them with celebrities that came in and tried to solve them and get out. And then we would have to break them down and they would build a whole new one. So we had like one day, We had a sort of haunted serial killer cabiny with lots of doll heads hanging. Gotta have one of those. And then we had one that was, Erin you'll appreciate this, a Jurassic Park sort of related one.

I know y'all love transforming into dinosaurs.

I know Dream You would really appreciate it. I can't say whether or not you really would. I don't know you well. And then, you know, we had one that was sort of the Mayan temple kind of thing, which is Felicia Day did that one and I've never heard someone scream so loudly at other people. I was like, you are clearly a company owner in a way I never understood before because there's a lot of barking orders and screaming. God, there were so many good ones. We had a spaceship one, we had a sort of James Bond 60s evil lair one that where one side of the wall was rock, so it was sort of in it like a cavern, but it was super cool and like hipster. You would put all of these up in one day? Yeah, they would have to get, we would shoot them and then we were like, okay, that was great, that's a wrap everybody, goodbye room. I mean, it was nutso. It's worth watching even just clips of each episode just so you can wrap your head around the idea that all of those were meticulously assembled and then deconstructed in like 12 hours.

That's insane. Where can you watch them?

You can watch it on YouTube. Yeah, they're all on YouTube now.

Okay, where can you watch if your dad does not let you do YouTube? Because you've abused that privilege.

Good luck to you, sir.

A couple too many times.

No, it's my own fault.

It's my own fault.

So you enjoy lateral thinking puzzles. You enjoy riddles.

I do. I really, really do. Yeah. I like to do the crossword puzzle every day. I found out very late that I don't like Words with Friends. I had never played it when it was happening. And I recently was introduced to it, and I was like, I don't care for this. Because I don't care for The idea that you could do a dumb word that no one's heard of, but somehow get 62 points, that's three letters, and then you do like a really complex word and it's like five letters, that feels unfair. It feels like I want to be rewarded for the vocabulary, not the squares.

Yeah, and people I feel like just try out combinations until they find a word where it's like, you didn't know that, that wasn't in your vocabulary, like what are we doing?

I also feel like with Words of Friends, you find that all of your friends are cheaters. Like, they just like, oh, they Google words and they're, or they're, cause there are apps that like let you just plug in things. They'll be like, this is the best word that you can do with this. And I'm like, come on.

There's no reward there. You want to have the satisfaction of feeling like you solved something or that you were responsible for, for it. Yeah.

I do crosswords as well, and on the New York Times app, it tells you when you beat your average. It's like, you're six minutes faster than your average.

I'm like, fuck yeah. I'm right there. I do it on the iPad as well, and it is a pleasure. And then I get so angry if I miss a day for some reason, and the gold stars turn into, it just goes back to blue star. And then you're like, oh, that's a patchwork of failures. I always do it. That's the calendar overall.

That's a title of my one-man show, Patchwork of Failures.

But it can't get produced. It hasn't been.

I would like to see a scene, before we even get into riddles, I want to see a scene. Janet, Erin, you are two friends out for a nice brunch, and the two of you are trying to shoehorn in words that you don't normally use or understand, but you've maybe seen them on Words with Friends or in a Thesaurus, and you're just trying to shoehorn those in and act casually.

I don't want to be pedantic, but I think I'll have a mimosa.

Oh, yeah, no, no, no, that sounds good. I don't know if I'm in the mood for like the viscosity of a mimosa.

I'll do it. Yeah, just like the velocity in which I will go through a mimosa, like bottomless mimosas. I'm just like trying to not be sick by lunch.

You know? Right, right. You don't want to have some sort of extrapolation all over the table where people are like, whoa, clean up on aisle two.

Yeah, I don't want to extrapolate myself on the car ride home.

Okay, so two mimosas?

Could you give us a minute, actually? Don't go, but don't go. I would love for you to just, you know, syncopate for a second while we just have a quick tête-à-tête.

Oh, absolutely. That's not a problem at all.

Were you just speaking French? Sorry. Oh, was that French? Yeah, were you just like, did you just like launch into French because I didn't understand a word you just said?

I don't know, I said the word tête-à-tête. Is that, that's a word. I think that's just an English word. Hey Amy? Yes? Yeah, Gretchen. Oh, sorry. You're named Amy as well? Oh my god! Oh my god! What a weird cynicocracy!

I honestly, I never meet another Amy.

I don't either!

This is so tumultuous. Same. Delightful. So here we go. We're going to get into the first riddle. These ones that I found here are, some of these are more like, here's the situation and you have to figure out what's going on.

Like when your parents go away on a week's vacation and they leave the keys to your brand new Porsche. Yeah.

And you think somehow putting the car in reverse on blocks will turn back the mileage? If I ever meet the screenwriter of that movie. What will you do? Big ol' fuck you.

Wow.

Wow, geez.

He's been dead for 15 years. What?

I live near Mia Sarah. You can take it out on her. Take it out on her.

Oh, thank you. Please, if you don't mind. So it's going to be more of a situation you have to sort of work backwards to see what happened. You have to extrapolate.

This sounds like a real Sherlock situation.

No shit. It's no shit. It's all Sherlock. Great. Some of them are shitty. Most of them are shitty. A man is found dead in an alley lying in a red pool with a stick near his head.

First of all, I have some strong feelings about whether the red pool has anything to do with blood, because I don't think it does.

A man is found dead in an alley, lying in a red pool with a stick near his head. Okay, it's not a man, it's the Kool-Aid man.

It's too obvious that it's a Kool-Aid guy.

I would love if there was a commercial where there's a brick wall but they put titanium reinforcement and he tries to bust through and it shatters and some asshole in his apartment is like, fuck you.

This feels like a Family Guy cutaway bit where it's just a pile of shattered glass.

Oh no! It is, it is.

No, in Family Guy it would cut away and it would be like, Mrs. Kool-Aid, and they'd be like, My husband! The baby's burst through your uterine wall, and she'd be like, oh no, and then he would burst through and be like, oh yeah. Seth MacFarlane, if you're listening, I need a job.

Here's a solution. The man died from eating a poisoned popsicle.

Is that true? That is true. I think it's better that he choked. Well, because there's less, you know, you need less information. And also, shit happens. Do you know what I mean? It doesn't have to be that someone murdered him. He just choked.

I've gone pretty hard on a popsicle before just because I'm too excited.

That's the first time anybody's ever used that phrase. Nobody has used those words in that order ever.

Y'all got rocket pops? Give me four. I can't believe I just tried to do like a fuck you like dumb answer. And you nailed it.

You absolutely nailed it. I think that's so funny.

As you were saying it, I knew it was right. You know what I mean? I wouldn't have thought of that, but I knew it was right.

I think as the more we do this show, the more I think our brains are adjusting to like the garbage quality of riddles.

Well, yeah. But it is kind of like the New York Times crossword puzzle, right? Where you have your filler, you're like, it's gonna be Sealy. It's gonna be Sealy mattresses. It's gonna be like, Esai Morales, I never had a relationship with until the New York Times crossword, and now he is in every clue.

Alan Alda, Arya Stark.

I'm so tired of all the awards Alan Alda's won. They just use that as an opportunity to list all the things he won.

I'd like to see a scene before we move on. JBC, you're sort of an off-brand ice cream truck that's driving around the neighborhood. And like, you pick whatever weird song plays when you come by, and then you two are two kids running up thinking that they're about to get real ice cream, but they probably only have poison popsicles.

Da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-

Great. What can I get you kids? Well, let me take off my Panama hat and fan my face. Sorry, I just got back from Cuba.

And I will take off my fur toque because I have a Russian name. And why was I wearing this on a hot day?

Our parents dressed us after our namesakes. Sure. I am named after Placido Domingo.

I am named after Sasha.

And I'm named after an American Girl doll. Oh, which one? My name is American Girl Doll. I go by ADD. That doesn't make sense.

Can we have two of your finest popsicles?

Name brand.

Here's the menu right here. Otter Pops. I'm sorry? Otter Pops, I see. That's Otto Pops from the Simpsons character Otto. It's a popsicle in the shape of a bus.

Why does it have all that curly hair on it?

Because Otto had curly hair. That's horse hair. That's not people hair, so you can eat it. Like a violin bow.

Wait, can you not eat human hair because it's like poisonous to you if you're a human, but you can eat horse hair?

No, you can eat horse hair. I've been told not to eat people hair.

You don't think that people get killed when you use their hair, right? It's not like a use-all-the-person situation. You can just cut someone's hair.

I've just been kicked out of too many Arby's to have this debate over and over again. I will not eat people hair, and I will not sell people hair.

What about the Poirot Popsicle?

What about the arsenic one that's right next to the old lace? Oh, that's actually I'm sorry.

That's a that's a mistype. That's an Arsenio popsicle. Yes, I can get oh, you know what we actually ran out of those in 1991 So we don't have any of the Arsenio popsicles left. So this is like a pop culture popsicle truck Yeah, it's a popsicle. That's what pop stands for. Pop culture. It's a pop culture circle.

So is there any ice cream or anything that's actually edible?

No.

Just more conversation topics?

Unfortunately, this is just an excuse for me to have conversations with children.

Oh, so it's like a one-upsmanship.

If I ever get a boat, I will name it the one-upsmanship.

You must.

Two dead people sit in their cars on a street. Is it just that their marriage is dead?

Oh, and they have to drive to work separately.

Or they're not dead heads, right? I mean, I would say, because otherwise they'd just be waiting to get into a concert.

I do like referring to dead heads as dead people. Like, that's like a 2019, like, gender's over, they're dead people.

Also, isn't a dead head like a thing where you get on a plane and you're not the pilot, but you're a pilot? What? What does that mean? I feel like Catch Me If You Can taught me that. Okay, okay.

Or if you have a pilot pin on you, that counts. So let's not spitball on some scenarios.

Couple of dead people in a car. What the fuck? That's so vague.

I know. Two dead people sit in their cars on a street.

Okay, so they might not even be in the same car.

It's Jerry Seinfeld and Jay Leno and they're getting coffee.

They're still at it guys! Two dead people sit in their car so they could have just like had a car accident and killed each other. You are very warm.

What? That's warm?

First of all, we've all seen apocalyptic movies so it could be any of those where just like everyone's dead in their car and you're the person weaving through it in the empty highway as a tumbleweed rolls by, goodbye.

They're two long lost siblings and they're seeing each other for the first time and they're so excited to see each other that they hit their cars at each other and they both die.

Okay. This is a metaphor for late stage capitalism. Everyone in their fucking car is dead. I need you to unpack that. Everyone in their car is dead. You're running through your routine. You're going to your job. Nothing fucking matters. The world is ending and we're all fucking dead. We're all toast. We're all Thanos snapped away. And is that right? Cold, very cold. Great. But follow my blog.

So it's a car crash. It is a car crash. It's a very specific condition.

One person had a heart attack and they lost control and they hit the other car and that person was killed on impact because of the crash.

No, but that works.

No, they all work! Here's the problem with this terrible riddle. One person was already dead. And it's one of those cars with the dead people at the back.

Oh, a hearse?

Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry.

You mean a Toyota Corolla?

Yeah. A Honda Accord.

Famously, there was a recall because they accidentally put a dead person in there. In every single vehicle. Toyota Corolla, yeah. Honda Accord.

Is one of the cars a hearse? No. See, I like your version. Patty Hearse.

Is anyone ever made that joke? I'm sure not. There's something there.

They're driving in Stockholm. It doesn't have to be a finished idea, Erin. Just get the idea out. She empathized with the car, so she also crashed. So I'll give you some... Is it Dave Matthews Band's Crash Into Me? A man who could only think literally was listening to that song. He was under the table and dreaming. I'll give you some breadcrumbs. This crash probably took place in London and we can think about London weather conditions. Janet how good is your British accent?

I mean fair to middling.

Okay I want to see a scene Janet and JPC you are two British Parliament members debating about new rules for the road.

Right, right, right. I agree with you in principle. I agree with you in what you're trying to do. But I think if you take all the lines away, it's going to be much harder to navigate.

Old boy, I don't understand how you even made it into Parliament with that accent. You're clearly from the sticks at best.

I'm a legacy.

No one's going to listen to your ideas. No one's going to pay attention to your ideas.

Speed bumps everywhere. It's ramps, basically.

Are you afraid of cocaine? Someone of your caliber would no doubt always be referring to some sort of drug.

Hear me out. A little bit of cocaine in every car. Traffic is bad. You do a little bump and then suddenly everybody's chilled out. You know how cocaine traditionally chills everyone out.

First of all, you've misunderstood the entire meeting in absolution. We are here to discuss the board game, The Road, based on Cormac McCarthy's novel. And for some reason, we've been tasked with understanding and ascertaining what the rules will be of this game.

I read all the pretty horses, so I feel like I have a strong understanding of the basic mechanics of the game. Even though, when I say I read it, I mean I watched the Matt Damon movie. But I get it. Post-apocalyptic, little boy and his father, right? Same.

You should have asked JPC if he could do a British accent.

Oh, I know his strengths and weaknesses. It's so great to see a British Parliament member talk to a member of Australia's cabinet. So here's the situation. Because there was a heavy fog, two people driving in the opposite directions on the same road both stuck their heads out the window. I would love it if Jamie Lee Curtis and Ryan Reynolds were in a body swap movie.

Like take two people that have already been in body swap movies. That would be so fucking cool to see a sequel to two different mind swap universes that were intersected.

I would also be very excited about that. What was 18 again? Was that Body Swap? 17 again. I think it was Body Swap. 17 again. The George Burns movie?

Is it 18 again? No, it's 18 again.

I think it's 17 again. The one starring George Burns? Nobody look it up.

He wants to go back and revisit the first day he could vote. So it's definitely 18 again. What an honor that was.

Jamie Lee Curtis' body swap movie.

Freaky Friday. It was Freaky Friday, yes. It could be Jamie Lee Curtis and Jodie Foster swapping bodies if Jodie Foster was in the original.

Oh man, that would be so fun.

As a kid? And no one wants to see Lindsay Lohan in that movie. No, no, no.

Speaking of speed bumps and hitting the slopes.

Nobody told me recently that she's campaigning to be Ariel in The Little Mermaid. And I'm like, give it to her. Give it to her. Take all of our money. I need to see it.

Honestly, I'll see anything. I'll see anything. Here we go. Next one. Yes.

Is this all from the same source?

No, we're bouncing around a little bit.

OK, good. But they're all bad. Because I don't care for these. They're all bad. I don't care for the people behind that last one.

What we found is that there's 10 good riddles in the world. We've solved those. And now we're scraping the bottom of the barrel.

This is like one of those books you buy on impulse in a 7-Eleven, like on a road trip with people. And then you're like, ugh, we shouldn't have got this. This is just making us sad.

That's the entire vibe of the show, is 10 minutes into one of those books on a road trip.

Our new shirts just say, Hey Riddle Riddle, this is making me sad. Bruce wins the race, but he gets no trophy

He's the best white guy.

Isn't he white guy?

It's because, as we all know from Bruce Springsteen's songs, the factory that makes the trophies goes down. And everyone lost their job. It's like, in the middle of... Hey little girl, is your trophy home?

Did it go away and leave you all alone on home?

That's the best answer possible.

Is that the right answer? Is that correct? That is incorrect. But remember that video with Courteney Cox dancing with the trophy? Yeah. Yeah.

Adal just danced. He didn't need to. It's just audio.

Can't start a trophy without a Bruce. So is the name Bruce important in this? Is that key or is that just a misgenius detail?

It's not really. Okay, so it's not Dr. Bruce Banner. It is not Dr. Bruce Banner. It's not Bruce Almighty. It's not... Schwing. Who's that? I'm sorry. Is somebody in Wayne's World named Bruce? Sure.

Yeah, Adal, let's go with that idea, you fucking idiot.

You're the one that got the reference wrong. And Bruce, you bought a sex-schwing? That's right. Great. Now back to Wayne's World. So Bruce wins the race, he gets no trophy.

Okay, Bruce wins the race.

And it's not- I love the idea. I think, Erin, you said best white guy, which is along the lines of like, it could be like a political race.

Yeah.

It is not a political race.

Or also just like Aryan Nation.

Or it's racial.

Aryan Nation. I hear Lindsay Lohan is campaigning to play Aryan Nation.

Letter.

Take our money. Letter. No one stand in your way of anything and I think the world will be better.

I mean, surely there are just a lot of races where you don't get a trophy, so I'm angry already.

Not in 2019, all these fucking kids get trophies. It's participation trophies, everyone's a snowflake.

Save it for the blog! We'll say, maybe a little hint, is that this race, let's say bluegrass. Fastest banjo picking. It's a race to see who can pick the fastest.

Was it a race to see who could stop listening to a jug blower?

Get out of my way!

I think bluegrass music is like hillbilly porch music.

I actually kind of like bluegrass music.

Yeah, I do. Julian Welch?

She found it! She found one! Run!

I love the dulcimer. For those who couldn't see, Janet was miming playing a saxophone.

I would love to see someone just blowing into a saxophone from a distance.

Blowing at the saxophone. That's what you're saying. That helped not at all.

I feel further away from any answer. So what do we know about bluegrass? Not the music. This is a question that sucks. Kentucky. Yes.

He's the Kentucky Derby. Yes. It's a hat. You win a hat. A derby hat. You win the rose thing. You win a bushel of roses. Yes. In a wreath shape. In a wreath shape. In a wreath shape. Listen to her.

She's in a wreath shape. So Janet pretty much got it. But we just need to know what Bruce is. And I can't stress enough.

Bruce is a horse.

I can't stress enough. Bruce is not a hat.

He's a jockey. He doesn't have hands. Stress it more. Stress it more.

Bruce is a horse.

He doesn't have hands. You can't pick up a trophy.

Adal, if you had a horse name, what would it be? Consternation Factory.

It is frequently feels like it's like a algorithm that a computer. Yes. It's like the first computer algorithm naming thing.

It's like how, what's his name? Glover, what's his name? Donald Glover. Donald Glover? Wait, Danny Glover? From Community.

Donald Glover.

Donald Glover. How Donald Glover got Childish Gambino. That's right. He just went to like a thing that made like mafioso names or something or rap names. Wait, is that true?

One of both, I don't think so.

That would be amazing if it were. So let's all, we're all gonna say our favorite word. This Kentucky Derby season, place all your money on the horse, Ocelot,

Benedictine?

Pretzel.

Melancholy. Pretzel's your favorite word? I can't emphasize enough. Benedictine is not my favorite word. I cannot emphasize it enough.

Pretzel's my number one favorite word. No order. Top ten. Definitely number one.

I would definitely bet on Pretzel. Would not bet on melancholy.

I think Pretzel's a good horse name though, too.

Melancholy, someone would definitely be like, oh, this is going to be one of those reverse thinking psychology. Melancholy has high confidence and is happy all the time.

It's also what an asshole would name his dog, like Melon.

That's my dog. My dog's name is Spaghetti, and I've been joking with Mariah that I want to get another dog. And I'm like, if I get another dog, I want to name it Website. I don't know why, but I think Website is a great name for a dog.

That's really funny. I don't mind it. I don't mind it.

Yelling website at a dog in public. Website!

Website!

And then people are like, what? Why?

I'd like to see a scene. I'd like the three of you to all be horses before the Kentucky Derby. And you're really just trying to get into each other's heads.

Gotcha. Can I just ask a favor before? I know this is we're all trying to win. We all want those wreaths of roses.

No, no. If you need a favor, listen.

We're here for you as much as we can be. When I die, will you mourn me? I just don't want to be forgotten. Because as we all know, many of us will die today. Yes, specifically, and I just don't want to be forgotten.

Well, I can't guarantee that we also won't die today. So I guess for me, it's tough to make a promise. I don't know if I can keep because I could be one of the fallen.

Yeah, I think we all have that, uh, Stomach Knot before we race. Okay, please.

Stomach Knot is my name, Rubik's Cube. Uh, don't use my name in a derogatory way. I didn't get to pick it. I'm a horse. If you could pick your name, what would it be? My birth name is- You know that. But they call me Stomach Knot.

In fairness, you do have great abs.

Yeah, I've never seen a horse with a six-pack.

What I lack in dick, I make up for in abs. It's unnerving, frankly.

And you've actually started the new cultural phenomenon of calling six-pack horse abs. Yes, horse abs. Or in our native tongue,

Riddle Riddle

Okay, we get it.

You're a centaur, Rubik's Cube. We all know you're a people on the top, horse on the bottom.

The fact that they're letting you complete it all is, uh... Well, he doesn't have to have a jockey.

I am my own jockey, yes. Excuse me, ma'am. The speaker's on this end of the room. Just come over here. Okay, hold on.

Oh, you're getting further away from it.

You're getting further... We are approaching Peanuts Teacher.

We are approaching Peanuts Teacher. Peanuts Teacher's a good horse. Uh, here we go. Uh, okay.

Mr. Black... You said that like you thought someone else was about to say it. You stopped short like someone else. Janet, whenever you're ready, you're Riddle. You didn't have one prepped?

Alex, uh, Alex. Adal's catchphrase is, here we go, and then six seconds of silence. That's like my fun routine.

Classic Alex.

Classic Alex.

Fucking Alex.

Did I ever tell you my parents almost named me Nick?

Really?

Yeah, so my mom was pushing for a more American name, so she was pushing for Nick, and then my dad is Palestinian, so he was pushing for something more Arab. But they thought the name Nick Rifai sounded too close to Necrophilia.

They were not wrong. They were really thinking it through. That's nice. It would have been fun to bully you.

But I don't think kids would even get there. In grade school, nobody knows that term.

What grade school did you go to? I forgot you're from Indiana. I'm from Indiana. Everybody fucking corpses in Indiana. Mr. Black asks for tea and gets $5,000. Then he asks for eyes, but Mrs. White can't give it to him.

This is Jeopardy!

Say it again. I can't believe I'm about to say this, but it sounds like there's too much information in this one. Yeah. And I never thought I'd say that. These stinkers.

Janet is crying blood.

Oh, I'm calling Riddle stinkers from now on. You stinkers! What a bunch of duds.

God, yeah, this one's a real dud stinker.

Okay, Mr. Black asks for tea and gets $5,000, and Mr.

And then he asks for eyes, but Mrs. White can't give him any.

This is English Parliament. Everyone knows that in England you drink tea. They come for a vote. He asked for some I's. The I's don't win. We have Brexit. There's no deal.

Save it for the blog.

You really have an agenda this episode.

Is I's, like the letter I, are I's like on your face?

Um, I think JPC and Janet said it.

Frickin' forget it.

No offense, but uh... Do we want to go ahead and say it out loud? Yeah, on the count of three.

Instead of just mouthing it to each other quietly, we have not been doing that.

Wait, should we speak onto the podcast? Okay, I do want to officially submit this into the record. Ready? One, two, three. The price is right.

Wait, the price is right? I was so ready to say yes and and.

Janet, are you not familiar with Vanna Wright?

Jim Price, Vanna Wright, together there. I guess one is the other. Oh, it's a body-switching thing. I got it, I got it. Price is Wright, and Wright is Price.

And I'm sorry, just the general motif on this show is that I'm supposed to be the stupid one. I contractually cannot get an answer to a riddle correct, otherwise it just breaks the whole illusion.

I thought I was the stupid one.

Well, Erin, it takes two to make a village, you know what I'm saying?

I'd like to see a scene. This will be... Are we all familiar with Clue, the movie, I guess?

Oh, hell yeah.

Great. So we're all... I actually like the TV show better.

The board game.

We're all people with colorful last names, but we're all famous people with colorful last names. I'm sorry. And there's been a murder. I'm sorry? When you say famous people... So, like, Mr. Black might be Louis Black. Got it, got it, got it, got it.

Like Mrs. White.

Mrs. White here was Vanna White.

Mr. Purple might be Deep Purple, the band.

Janet, I have to say, that is laminated now. You are contractually obligated to play Deep Purple, the band.

All right, will do.

We are all in. And what if you can't think of one? Will someone give one to you?

Erin, you can be Black Sabbath, the band.

Erin, you could be the famous Colonel Mustard from the Game of Thrones. Technically he is a celebrity. Everyone knows who he is. I'm Colonel Mustard. Like a female Colonel. Heck yeah.

You could be Steve Yellow.

Steve Yellow. Or Yellow Card. You could be the Coldplay song Yellow.

Yes, yes, yes.

I'm going to be Colonel Mustard.

Mr. Blue Sky.

I'm going to be Colonel Mustard.

Thank you all for coming to my mansion. I have to apologize.

Thunder and lightning.

Thank you. I have to apologize for the thunder and lightning. I do want to let you know that there has been a mierda.

A Mazda mierda?

There is a Mazda mierda blocking the entrance, so if whoever... Here's what we'll do. We're going to play a game to... Is it Cherry Red? Is it a 91? That's mine. It is not. So what we have to do is play a game to suss out who here owns the Mazda mierda.

So no one has died.

No, no one has died.

What was that?

Oh, I was just gonna say, not like any of your wars. Also, I hope no one expects me to remember any of our songs.

Yes, Colonel Mustard, you famously fought in many wars.

Yes, all the ones with...

The Condiment War That's what it was. You're thinking of Dolly Parton, bitch. Make my parton.

Make my parton. Make my parton. Sorry, sir. You with the 91 cherry red... Sir!

Sir!

It's King.

King Crimson. And please don't expect me to remember any of our songs.

That went very well.

Honestly, that's a perfect saying. One of our best. Let's do one more, and then we're going to take a break. So this is the last one we'll do for this half. This is, a young woman is wished away to a far off land where she kills the first person she meets.

It sounds like you said wished away, but I'm guessing it was whisked.

Whisked away.

Oh, she's whisked away.

Yeah, Adal only knows it as wishing eggs because he can't make the eggs himself, so he just asks other people for scrambled eggs.

I call bowls whisking wells.

A young woman is whisked away to a far off land where she kills the first person she meets.

Then she teams up with three others to kill again. The young woman is Dorothy, and the story is The Wizard of Oz. But that also is Casey Anthony's thing, right?

Oh my god. Vlog! JPC, vlog!

I'd like to see a scene. Erin, you're going to play Dorothy. JPC, you're going to be the Cowardly Lion. Janet, you're going to be the Tin Man. And I am the Scarecrow. And we're going to be plotting murder.

Oh boy!

What if we get caught?

Don't be a little idiot!

That's not my thing.

Yes it is.

Okay, sorry. Um, so how are we gonna do it, Dorothy?

Is that what your voice is?

Heck yeah. You brought me to life.

I guess I did, oh boy. Well, I think it's your responsibility to actually do the killing. I'm sort of like the one who organizes the killing.

Tin Man, you don't have any fingerprints. Perhaps you could hold the weapon.

Somebody pee on the Tin Man so he can speak.

Oh, certainly it can't be me. Did a Tin Man get stung by a jellyfish?

No, but that's how you oil up the Tin Man so he can speak.

I don't have any pee.

Oh boy.

I've used it all in my past.

Well, here I go. I'll be the one to pee.

Oh, pretty. Is this the bored version? Are you turned on?

Uh, I gotta go.

Then yes.

Let's take a quick break. Janet, on a scale of 1 to 10, how happy do you do this episode?

100% happy. On a scale of 1 to 10, 100% happy.

And listeners, whatever number you're hearing has been edited in post-production and we're gonna take a quick little break. Whoa, who's that new hunk? He's dressed so well. Whoa, look at him. He is dressed so well.

You guys, you're looking in a mirror.

Oh, I thought that was like Vince Quince or something. Yeah, that's us. We look amazing. I thought that was like Quince Diesel or something.

We look like that?

Yes, it's because you are wearing your new quince high quality wardrobe staples. Look at you, Adalyn, your 100% Mongolian cashmere sweater. And JPC, you look incredible in this button down if I do say so myself.

Wow, our styles are truly timeless, versatile, and designed to become dependable pieces that we will reach for day after day.

Also, everything at Quince is priced 50-80% less than similar brands, and they work directly with ethical factories and cut out the middlemen, so you're paying for high quality, not brand markup. And Erin, you're doing the splits!

Look at me go. And it's not just clothing. Quince brings the same approach to everything they make, from hotel quality bedding and bath to kitchen essentials and thoughtfully designed furniture. They make well-designed pieces for everyday living. I'm about to move, and my Quince cart is filled with stuff that's going to make my home stylish without breaking the bank.

Did someone say Vince Quince?

Whoa! Yeah, like five minutes ago.

Yeah, like a long time ago.

Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com slash riddle. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. That's q-u-i-n-c-e dot com slash riddle. Vince Quince out. Bye Vince Quince. Did somebody say Quince Diesel? No. No. Come on, man.

You don't know what you've got until it's gone. You guys, I legitimately had terrible sleep last night. I'm staying in an Airbnb while the AC gets fixed in my place. And guess what? I missed my bed. I missed my Helix mattress. I have a Midnight Luxe. And guess what? I couldn't bring it to the Airbnb with me. I wish I had appreciated it more. I wish I had told it. I wish I had told my mattress.

Did someone say miss my mattress? It's me, the Helix Sleep mascot, Sympathy Steve.

Oh, hey, Sympathy Steve. Did you win Miss My Mattress, the competition?

Isn't he mattress? I did. Sympathy Steve.

And while I can't give you a Helix mattress because, you know, that'd be insane if I was just a guy who gave out Helix mattresses, I can say, it sucks what you're going through.

Yeah, it does suck. Helix is the best. They deliver your mattress right to your door with free shipping in the U.S. You get a 120-night sleep trial and limited lifetime warranty. So what's the risk? And they also have the Happy with Helix guarantee. Rest easy with seamless returns and exchanges.

Whoa, Sympathy Steve, you have a tattoo on your leg. It says, Helix is the most awarded mattress brand, tested and reviewed by experts like Forbes and Wired. And I won't tell you what that's covering up.

It was worse. But what I will tell you to do is go to helixsleep.com slash riddle for the Labor Day best of web sale that's running now until September 13th It's 27% off site-wide and that is exclusive for listeners of Hey Riddle Riddle. That's HelixSleep.com slash riddle for the Labor Day Best of web sale. HelixSleep.com slash riddle. I can't empathize with you, but I can sympathize with you.

Did someone say empathy? It's me, Empathy Ed. Hey man.

They're brothers.

No, we're not. Hey Steve. We're simply not.

Oh.

We're exes.

We don't have time for the lore of this, unfortunately.

Hi, I'm Beck Bennett. I thought I was Beck Bennett. No, no, no.

I'm Kyle Mooney.

Sorry about that. Exactly. No, all good, all good. Thanks, buddy. Yeah, and we host the show What's Our Podcast here on HeadGum.

This podcast is brought to you by SquareSpace. SquareSpace is the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and make you look like a kick-ass person online. Like you're skateboarding through the internet, or like you're surfing through the web. Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place.

I like that it's all in one place. I know. I like that I don't have to go around, you know, to like different stores or something. It's just all on my website.

Well, it's like, oh, do I need to go to like a- do I need another type of website to like find the right pictures or to like another type of website to upload the like- Yeah, no, it's all in one place. The video or the audio or like- No, it makes it easy. Make it easy on me, please.

Yeah, so you can do all those things, photos, videos, changing fonts. I mean, the designs are amazing. They're catering to all your different needs. There are SEO tools, which I know what those are, and there are custom domains.

Oh, let's come up with a domain right now. Let's see. I wonder if it exists.

www.friendsmeetingfriends.com Check out squarespace.com slash headgum for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code headgum to save 50% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

And we're back with more Hey Riddle Riddle Hollywood Nights.

Hollywood Nights. It's the daytime.

Dammit Janet. What? Illusion ruined.

No, that was unrelated. I was just singing to myself.

I was launching the Rocky Horror Picture Show by yelling, Dammit Janet. Isn't that a line? I'm ready. Yes. Janet, are you named after anyone?

I think it's one of those like it's a family name quote-unquote like oh they wanted my parents wanted to do something that connected to something but they didn't want it to be particularly direct or exact so it was like like thumbing through some old ancestral yeah it's a family name and what's what is Varney what's the I think that is French, and somewhere along the line, when it was anglicized, the E and the A switched.

So it was Vernet, which is a delicious sauce.

Vernet? It is? It probably is.

I'm so sorry. I'm so very sorry. I'm just so deeply sorry. Adal backed off of that immediately.

Like it was a classic Alex. Oh, classic Alex.

This is meant to be a serious question, not a joke. How many people in your life assumed that you were Jim Varney's, like, daughter? Countless. Really?

No, everyone just asks, are you related to? No one wants to... And you're not, right? No one's bold enough to think I could be his daughter.

Is that, there's a no connection? Not related.

In the comedy family.

How would you rank his movies?

On a scale from one to what?

No particular order. Number one with a bullet, no particular order. And the Olympic medals, in no particular order, are bronze to Erin.

Damn it!

Oh, I would love that.

We might be headed that way.

To your point, everyone gets a trophy.

Sometimes, sorry, sometimes I just think about how, remember when Michelle Kwan went back to the Olympics and we're all like, she's gonna get a gold, she's gonna get a gold. And then she got bronze. Do you remember that in the Winter Olympics like 15 years ago? It really messed with me. You think about that frequently? Yeah, because the whole country was like, you're gonna get a gold. And she had like gotten that silver before and been like cheated. And then she went back and she got a bronze. Am I remembering this wrong?

How was she cheated?

She just was like, she was, I don't know. I just feel bad for her. We just put too much pressure on her as a nation.

I can't believe I get to experience a situation where I am younger than Erin because I was born eight years ago and I don't fucking know who that is.

You don't know who Michelle Kwan is? And you were born in 2011? Okay, cool. I'm eight years old.

I want to see the briefest scene. Janet and Erin, you are casting directors for HBO. JPC, you are in to read, to audition for the documentary, or the biopic, the biopic documentary, Quan and a Million. Auditioning for a documentary.

Quantum Loop. Quantum Leap. Quantum Loop.

Quantum Leap. That's great. The story of Michelle Quan, and you are auditioning. Okay.

So we know that we're indoors and that it's the summer, but if you could do your best to just pretend to... Hollywood nuts. I'm sorry? What?

I'm sorry.

If you could just pretend to like ice skate best you can. Okay. And try not to break your ankle. And try not to break, like, don't laugh.

No laughing and I won't break character.

Please. Just people have been coming in here giggling, giggling, and giggling.

Well, because when you ask someone to pretend like they're ice skating and you're just in a small room, people think that's funny for some reason. Okay.

Yeah.

But it's not funny. It's absolutely, unequivocally not funny.

And do you need me to slate as well? Yes. Okay. My name is... How tall are you? I'm sorry? Gotcha.

In no particular order, how tall are you?

For sure. I am 11-5, in no particular order. My name is Papa Nichols.

How many years ago were you born?

Technically 7. Your name's Papa Nichols. Yeah, my dad was a horse. I'm a born-again Christian, so technically 7, and then the other answer to that would be 31. And I am not willing to shave my beard. I am willing to shave my eyebrows.

Hey Riddle

Hey Riddle Riddle

Hey folks, I just want to apologize. I was doing my hi-hats over here.

Yeah, please don't do that.

I'll move my drum set. I apologize.

Ernest, thank you so much. I appreciate it. This is not one of your movies. Ernest is so sarcastic. As you know, sometimes he likes to sit in for casting. He's like Tom Cruise. He likes to participate in every moment of casting. Ernest goes to whiplash!

Not my tempo, Vern! Not my tempo, Vern.

Ernest goes to whiplash, that sucks.

The first time he's heard no.

It's just him going to a movie, the movie whiplash, and you just watch him. Hey, people love reaction videos. You're just watching him react to watching the movie whiplash.

And the whole time everyone's like, shut up, like shut up.

And I think you've been dead for a long time.

A dead guy is sitting in Whiplash.

Ernest.

He's not related to me, but people think he is.

Beautiful mind. So we're going to switch gears a little bit. So what we're going to do now is a fun podcast. We're going to have fun. We're going to try. Here's what we're going to do. We're going to try. So what we have here is, these are puzzles where we've omitted, it's a famous maybe phrase or saying or fact, and we've omitted basically the words but we've left in either the numbers or the first letters of the words. So for example, if I were to say to you, 52CNAD, That would stand for what? 52C in a D. Cops in a donut shop. Fuck.

No, you fulfilled your contractual obligation. I said cards in a deck. What did you say? I said cops in a donut shop.

It is car 52, where are you, in a donut shop. It is 52 cards in a deck. So that's how it's gonna go.

Are you impressed that I know what cards are?

What do you think cards are?

Well, both. I don't know.

Here we go. Okay. So, 13 in a BD. 13 in a BD.

Okay. 13 parking tickets in a bad day. That's a saying? Yes, yes.

13... Bagels in a deli to Baker's Dozen.

Yeah, you pretty much got it. I know.

Doesn't have to be bagels? Is that what you're going to say?

The B is for baker's dozen, not bagel's dozen.

13 and a baker's dozen. What the fuck's a baker's dozen? I know what is a bagel's dozen. I'll have a bagel's dozen of muffins.

You get a bagel and then you get like 12 donuts. A bagel's dozen is 12 of anything plus a bagel.

These bagels gave birth to these donuts.

That's the premise of the movie Cheaper by the Dozen, right?

Is two bagels trying to raise twelve donuts.

I go to the grocery store, I get twelve eggs and a bagel, a bagel doesn't. My head hurts. I feel like if people ever meet me in real life, they're like, you can put a sentence together, you're a total fucking moron. How do you do it on the podcast?

7W of the AW

Whoa. Seven wives.

Seven weeks of y'all week. What was it?

Seven wives.

It is seven wives for seven brothers.

For seven brothers. What is that about? Don't tell me.

Don't tell me. Let me see it. I actually, as a kid, as I was growing up, so my parents watched all the, well, my parents divorced, but my mom watched Sound of Music all the time, and also like all these old timey, like Anna Vavenley or Green Gables in Oklahoma, and all these movies. And I always conflated seven, she used to watch Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, and I would watch that and think it was Oklahoma, and I was way off.

So I think- How dare you?

I think it's literally seven brothers get married and they all share like a house. What a fucking story. They all share- yeah. Just another great factoid growing up.

You know when cheats? Everyone keeps- stays with their brother.

Yeah, it was made in like 52 or something.

Okay.

They're not gonna make it salacious.

It's like real wholesome.

It's a very wholesome.

Seven wives for seven brothers. That's the name of it?

Brides.

Seven brides for seven brothers.

Okay, but they're not, it's not seven sister wives. No, that's big love.

No. It's one per, one per. One per. One pea, one pea.

Basically, it just means all your brothers got married. No, there's one perv.

First of all, take a bagels dozen. Lose like, say, five of them.

Okay, I'm there, I'm there. 7W of the A.W. And I will, if you want to give me yes or no questions, I will answer those. If not, I can pepper in some hints.

What's the A.W.? A.N.W. Root Beer. Seven wows for the A.N.W. Root Beer commercial brought to you by A.N.W. Root Beer.

I don't want to get too political here, but I believe it's the attorney winner roll.

Blog.

The Attorney Winteril? That's the Attorney General in winter? Yes.

Okay, 7W of the AW.

Of the AW.

AW could be animal wildlife. Here's a little hint I'll give you and this is... Wonders of the all natural world. First of all Janet got it right but made it way harder on herself than she did to it is seven wonders of the ancient world

I said the all-natural world, so I definitely did not get it right.

You make me feel... Mountain. Sea. Ocean. Let's try and piece it together. So I know Colossus at Rhodes. In no particular order, these are my favorite. Colossus at Rhodes, which is a giant statue that stood on two platforms. The Pyramids. The Pyramids. Gardens of Babylon. Pyramids.

Pyramids. There's gotta be some.

Atlantis, I think, is one. You think Atlantis is one? Sorry, Hotlantis.

Heaven and hell. The moon.

Locusts. The cruise control on a Honda Accord.

Does four horsemen count as four? You're thinking of the four Norsemen.

And only one of them was a wonder. Seven Wonders of the Ancient World. Okay, Taco Bell Cantina. Oh, we got most of them, right? Is Stonehenge one?

No. I bet it is. Isn't that just one of the seven wonders, like the new ones?

What are the new ones? Let's see the new ones. Seven Wonders of the Current World. Grand Canyon. The McDonald's in Times Square.

Bridges. Janet's making two arches, two yellow arches.

St. Louis.

Yeah, I said the McDonald's in Times Square. Arches Monument.

Archie's Comet. Riverdale. Riverdale's a wonder. Seven Wonders. It's Arches State Park. It's Zion Valley. It's just everything in Utah. My vagina. Erin's vagina.

Well, I said Grand Canyon.

Great Wall of China.

That's got to be one of them.

So they stopped distinguishing between what's built and what's not built for the modern?

I think there's ancient wonders of the world, there's current natural wonders of the world, and then there's like man-made.

And then there's semi-natural in which man and woman use materials to make wonders.

Like Kim Kardashian. Did you know the Sphinx dyes its hair? It's not natural. Its natural color is brown. She's a natural brown. Here we go, next one. This is going to be an easy one. 1001AN.

I think it's going to be an easy one. 1001AN. AN is after knife.

God damn it. 1001 additional nalmations. Nailed it. Got it. Move on. Next one.

That's like 900 nalmations too many.

There's so much self-loathing happening.

And Janet, in your head, what's a nalmation?

A cute dog. A black and white spotted dog.

1001AN. Um, is this a radio station?

I don't know. The thing is we can't know and we'll never know.

Do you think people call him Smart Alec?

They did up until recently.

Is that a new show based on his childhood? That's good.

If there was like a reverse like now you answer all the questions Smart Alec, that would be amazing. It's the young Sheldon version. Exactly, that's what I'm saying. Cuz he always like somebody will answer like blank and he'll be like, oh, no, I'm sorry. It's this and it's like you didn't know that.

You think he implied that he's implied. 1001AN.

Here's what I'll say. Adelsnoggin. Earlier I made a joke about asking for three whiskas. Whiskas? Oh, Arabian Nights. There you go. Additional niches. There's no rule against asking for additional niches. I'm so sorry, we have to go back. I do want to see a scene with Janet playing, um, I don't, uh, Cruella DeVille.

Were you about to say, I don't know her name, and then you said it perfectly, as everyone knows?

I was going to call her Glenn Close, yeah, but then I'm like, oh yes, it's Cruella, it's in there somewhere. Is this season two of Damages?

I'm going to sue those Dalmatians for every penny.

I would love to see this scene. So we're going to have you be Cruella DeVille. You got your 101 Dalmatians. I'm sorry, 101 Nalnations. So it was easier than you expected. So you're getting a little greedier. You want to set the bar a little higher. And the three of us are your henchmen to help do your bidding.

All right, you. Maggots. I had- Maggots?

That's an improvement. Usually she calls us derps.

You think derps and maggots? There's like a hierarchy between- She calls me unlovable. You will die alone.

Okay.

Sorry boss. Shut up! Okay.

I've got the coat, I've got the bedspread, I've got the shower curtain. Now I want the whole house, the whole outside of the house to be covered in nalnations. B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b Waterlogged?

Yes boss, so maybe like we flip it to where the fur is facing?

I don't want to flip the house! I plan to live here the rest of my life!

Then why'd you hire the Dirt Brothers?

Oh, that's a good question. Listen, I'm becoming more and more Gilbert Gottfried by the second.

You hired the Dirt Brothers.

Everyone knows there's a spell on me and I become Gilbert Gottfried if you don't get me a hundred, a thousand, and one Nal Nations. Help me, help me.

Now, Nal Nations are hard to come by, but what we do have is I could make you a real nice set of possum pants. Now, these are live possums because I cannot figure out how to kill one of these things. Every time I think it's dead, every time I think it's dead, I walk away. Comes right back to life. How will I know if they're sleeping or they're dead?

I think you'll know. Same. Here we go. 12 S of the Z.

12 S of the Z. 12, you got it. 12 Secrets of Zelda.

12 Signs of the... Mars gave me a knowing head nod when I said 12 Secrets of Zelda.

What was it? I blushed out. You know it. Erin, you got it. What was it? 12 Signs of the Zodiac.

I'm not going to give you the answer. 12 Sangry Zen.

You're a Gemini. You're a Sagittarius. Did I get that right? Yeah. And you're a Secretariat? Wait, were those guesses? Well, I think they were like, I knew at some point.

A loose knowledge somewhere clunking around in there.

I'm a Scorpio. Janet, do you mind sharing your birthday?

I'm an Aquarius.

Oh yeah! Is that why you're painting in the corner? Oh, I'm so original!

Why are you standing out of your head for the podcast?

And Janet's head has been in a fish tank this whole time.

Yeah, well, listen, that's how I think.

9P in the SS. JPC, you can't answer this one. Great. 9P in the SS. We have nine perverts in the SS.

First of all, there's got to be more than nine. Yeah, for sure. Uh, Adal, you were about to call for a scene and nobody wanted that.

There's no perverts allowed. Nine as in no perverts. We have a rule.

Nine perverts. We're trying to do, uh, burr crimes. Not to jerk off with their penises off. What would my blog be at this point? You tell me, bud. Nine P's in the SS.

Nine pockets in the strench coat.

She got it, she got it. Just as amazing technical as a strench coat. Nine products in the square space products.

What an easy way to build a website, thanks. Swingin' the Swiss. Nine numbers. Nine. Pockets in the Table.

Table that marks the... That's part of a song from the Music Man. That's part of Music Man, and I think you should keep going.

Nine poles in the Swiss.

Pockets in the Table. Pockets in the Table. Pockets in the Table. Pockets in the Table. Pockets in the Table.

Now we're getting back into the racing announcement person, which I really like.

Nine Peter Parkers in the Spider-Verse.

Ooh, the Spider-Spurs.

We gotta spurs it out.

Into the Spider-Spurs.

Nine... Wait, now I've forgotten. P's? Nine P's. Here's what I'll say. Social Security. Nine Pirates of the Seven Seas.

Ooh, that works. Honestly, that's better. It's better?

Are you being honest?

I am. Classic Alex.

If you gave us the P, would it give it away?

Yes, so 9P in the SS, the hint I'll give is, Erin, you should 100% get this based on one of your famous catchphrases.

Planets in the solar system.

There are nine planets in the solar system. Wow.

For now.

Yeah.

But if all goes as planned.

Wait, I thought you, I thought.

What are we planning again? Are we building a planet?

Are you talking about the Death Star? Yeah.

This is uncomfortable. I thought Jupiter got relegated back to a moon, my dude. Is it back to being a planet?

Jupiter? Jupiter's massive, you guys.

Shit. Shit.

Jupiter's so big right now. Mars is just going to be like another moon for her. But yeah, Pluto. Pluto did it.

It's it now, right?

It's like a chunk of ice or something. Yeah.

Poor Pluto. Pluto just straight up melted and we were like, we were fucking wrong.

Our bad. 88 PK.

88.

88 PK. 88 PK.

88 plux capacitors.

You have to go 88 miles per hour. This is my new favorite game is like Spoonerisms with Janet Varney, which is like, I guess that's not even a Spoonerism, but. 88 PK.

88 PK.

88 President sorta

Oh, yeah. Okay, Erin. Great point.

Yeah, if you double the amount of a lot of those guys were double.

Yeah.

And you'd like vice president. Yeah. And Aaron, you think sort of spelled?

Okay, pk pk 88 per

Poop clouds.

Excuse me, you're a medium, not a large. Just wanted to let you know, and now I get to go to heaven with my wings.

I want to see a scene. This is, it's a blunderful life. It's a blunderful life. JPC, you are playing a guardian angel who is like, should not, there's been an oversight and you should have been fired a long time ago, sent to hell. Sent to hell! Wow, yeah, you're right.

That is how an angel would get fired.

Janet, you're playing, I don't know, Kimmy Stewart? What's his character's name?

I mean, sure. You're playing Kimmy Stewart. I'll give you the moon scaring. Yeah, no, Erin's playing Kimmy Stewart. For sure, based on Erin's door theme.

Erin's playing Kimmy Stewart. And you're giving some bad advice to Kimmy as she's standing on top of a bridge.

I'm

Well, if you want to do it drunk, you'll be more creative.

Alright, what about before, or after, or during a breakup? Definitely cut my bangs?

Yes. Yeah, I think you should. Not only should you cut your bangs, I think you should do it during a breakup.

I need to see a scene within a scene! I need to see a scene within a scene! I need to see that they're breaking up and she has to cut her bangs in the middle of it for emotional reasons.

Okay, Adal, you're playing the boyfriend that she's breaking up with.

Oh boy.

What are you trying to say, Kimmy?

I'm saying that I don't think we should be together anymore.

What is that?

I'm cutting my bangs. I'm a new woman.

Jeff, I know only you can see me. What you want to do here is you want to propose marriage or try to have a baby. That's going to save this.

I want to see how this plays out.

Oh boy, I'm going to look beautiful.

It's not really framing her face. Get down on one knee.

You can do this, man. Now that I have bangs, things will really turn around.

I'm going to get down on both knees, and then if it looks good, then I'm going to adjust.

I'm going to get bangs and one facial, and my whole life will be different. I won't be depressed anymore. No, I'm good.

I want out.

I want out.

Jeff, you should try to sleep with her sister.

I didn't realize that the bangs were going to turn the relationship around. That's a twist. That's a twist. You could save it during.

I'll give a hint, for ADPK, every time you interact with these PKs, it's like you're petting an elephant. Particles of kerosene.

You, I, that sounded, you were very sure of foot on that one.

Is there an, is there an element? What, what element? I am so sorry.

Piano?

It is 88 P.F. Chang.

Erin, you just nailed it. 88 Pecan?

But there, aren't there more?

88 Pecan. Pecan candies. Piano.

Keys, you said elephants, like ivory?

Yes. Oh, tickling the ivory. Tickling the ivories.

That feels like it's not right to say anymore somehow. Are you supposed to use ivory to make... I'm pro-killing elephants, so... I'm the wrong gal to ask.

I wasn't looking at you.

Famously, Erin's very staunch on this because elephants take so long to give birth, she's like, just do... She's so over it.

Rainforest? Over it. Get me out of here.

I think elephants are the only animal it's still okay to poach because they feel grief, and so... You poach elephants, I sous-vide them.

And they think we're cute. Isn't that the saddest thing ever?

Wait, Adal, why did you make me wish you an elephant? I said, wish me an elephant. I said, wish me an elephant in a bowl.

You know how elephants think we're cute? Like, they think puppies are cute? Yes. Or like, we think puppies are cute? Are you thinking of gorillas and kittens? Maybe. Never mind. I don't know.

Remember Jane Goodall and all those kittens? I did watch a video of an orca whale giving someone, or a beluga whale giving someone their cell phone back after they dropped it in the ocean.

Is that true?

Yes, 100%. I'll send you the video, Erin.

Please.

I saw a video of a beluga whale dragging someone to the bottom of the ocean. Hi, beluga whale fucker. Can you whale me? Nope.

They're playful.

They are playful. 13S on the AF.

That's the second 13, this can't be good luck. 13 sarking tickets.

Man, I'm giving you a sarking ticket, please do not make fun of my lisp. 13 sick on the ass fuck.

What were the letters?

13 S on the AF.

Thirteen stripes on the American flag. Hey, hey, Betsy. Oh, sounds like somebody came in with a gossip voice.

Yes, we heard a rumor that you're sewing a new flag for our nation.

Yeah, I happen to be sewing it right now. I don't really have time to chat because I'm on a deadline.

Oh, sure, sure. Well, we've heard about it. We've seen some mock-ups, I guess. Oh, on Pinterest? Yes, we've seen them on spec. Yes, you know how people pin stuff to Stris, that little Erin boy? We saw it on Stris.

Nice save.

Thank you, I almost dropped my glasses, but I caught them. I do want to let you know... Nice recovery! Yes, I did get out of that coma, thank you so much. And I'm no longer an alcoholic. So I did want to let you know that we saw the design and we think that stripes make the country look fat. Does that make sense?

And as Ben Franklin, I have a vested interest in not making the country look fat.

Vested interest in gonorrhea. Am I right, Betsy? It's syphilis.

I heard it too. I heard it too.

It's syphilis. We heard gonorrhea.

This sing-song voice means I heard it too.

Well, a little con A, a little con B. Well, what should I do?

Should I do a vertical stripe? I've already sewn half the flag. That's like seven and a half stripes.

What about a kite and a key? Okay, Ben, calm down. Okay. When you got a little wart on your little dick, gonorrhea, gonorrhea. Um, what about, like, chevrons? Do you like chevrons?

What is that, like a diamond?

Yeah, it's like a diamond.

Can someone please help me?

People have been pinning things to me all over town and I'm bleeding out.

Oh, Strist!

Oh, I'm sorry, this is my message board.

Oh, I don't feel so well.

I do not feel well at all. Let's do two more. Why?

Let's all take a moment.

No, that deserves a real moment.

Here we go. 5D in a ZC.

Z, C. Five diamonds in a Zubik Cardinonium. In a Zubik Circonium.

Zubik Circonium, that's correct.

Five D in a ZC.

Z, C. In a ZC.

Five dimensions in a zoo cage.

Zoo cage.

Five D in a ZC.

Z, Z, in a cage zoo.

Five Z, wait, five D. Here we have some bars, and this is a box, and over here we have a pit.

In the old days, they used to destroy animals like this.

Five diamonds in a weebotazoo.

Oh, you're onto something. It's gotta be a wine cooler thing. Zima. Something with Zima.

Zima cooler. Is it 5 degrees in a Zevenkicken? 98 degrees.

I don't know.

5D in a ZC.

Hint please. 5 dogs in a Sazam's. I've already used the Z. I've already used the Z within the C.

Every scene begins with Z. I want to give you a hand. So all of us, I think, all of us have different ones from when we were born throughout our lives to current day. I believe we all have different ones from when we were born up until today. And also, when we were born and when we were younger, we didn't have to bother with these. Our parents dealt with whatever had to do with these.

With these CZs?

ZC. ZC. I thought it was CZ.

ZC.

So if we can get the Z, I think that we'll know, we'll be in better shape.

Yeah, if you can guess the answer, then you get it.

I feel like Z is going to be the, there's less Z words. Certainly. Zenith. Zoo.

Here, I'll give you another... We didn't have to deal with it when we were kids because our parents did.

They took care of our... With whatever Z.C. had to do with... When you go to the dentist and you have a Zoot Canal?

Zip codes! Zip codes!

Five digits in a zip code. Five digits in a zip code. Is that Zoot Suit right being played in a canal? I don't know. Is it five digits in a zip code? It is five digits in a zip code. Erin's still thinking.

Erin's still thinking. Oh, it is.

It is five digits in a zip code.

That's interesting because there are nine digits in an actual postal code. What? Yeah, there's four more digits. Oh, there's a dash.

There's a dash. He's taping for your blog, DPC.

My blog would suck at this point.

Also, my parents made me manage our zip code. Oh my God, Janet, I'm so sorry. I don't appreciate you saying I didn't have to worry about it. That's why I couldn't figure it out at first.

That's why, and you're insensitive, Adal. I am so sorry. Janet, where are you from?

We'll see you next time.

3BM, parenthesis, S-H-T-R. Three bowel movements in the shitter. We got there immediately in the same direction. For those who can't see, Janet started to answer, she froze, there was four pictures, and she anamorphed into JPC. We did it!

We did it!

You anamorphed into a toilet.

It's me, now I'm JPC also.

You Janet-morphed.

I did. I did.

The title of this episode has to be JANETMORPH. Oh, please. 3BMSHTR. Honestly, that is the best fucking answer possible. There's no way it's not 3BMSHTR. You guys won. There's no system, but you guys get gold. Erin, you get like a bronze or something.

But this is no particular... I got bronze three times. That's funny.

Adal, let me ask. We said 3BMS and a shitter. Is that anywhere close to what the right answer is? Absolutely not. Gotcha.

What is it? I give up.

No, you can't- we've done no guessing.

Erin. Erin. I just don't know what it is. What did it read? 3 BMs in a what?

S-H-T-R. 3 BMs in an S-H-T-R.

No, it's not in. I'm sorry, BMs.

I absolutely can't see past hours.

Yeah, me neither.

It's 3 BM and then in like parentheses, there's an additional phrase which starts with S-H-T-R.

3 beats per minute.

3 BMs.

Absolutely not. 3 beats a minute. Absolutely not. 3 beats minute.

Janet, you are wrong and you will leave.

It's not bowel movement. 3 p.m.

The time of the beep will be 3 p.m. What's your sexy... Welcome to noon!

There you go. Three... Bites. Basket.

Three... Bridge... Magnets.

Three... Listen.

Bad mapples. It's a brainstorming session, guys.

There's no right answer.

Three... You gotta give this troll a bridge magnet or else he won't let you pass.

What's the hint?

The hint is when you were young and dealing with the zip codes, you would also probably know this and you would probably say it in a little sing-songy voice.

S-H-T-R? Is that so hard to remember?

Nope.

Damn it. S-H-T-R? S-H-T-R.

Bears. You would know this and you would say it in a smug, sing-song manner.

Well, no, my voice is just smug, so I can see how you could confuse that. Right, right, right, right, right. I can't believe, this is like so easy, you guys. So it's 3BMSHTR. You would have known this on like the Playground or maybe even earlier. Second hand to right. No.

Oh, like three wrongs don't make a right? Yes.

Think about it. I guess there might be tiny BMs, as per your earlier guess, Janet Morph. There might be tiny BMs around the house. Based on whatever these are, there might be tiny BMs around the house.

Three bunny mammoths.

Getting closer.

Three bunny. No. Three blind mice. Yep.

Three blind mice.

See how they run.

See how they run.

See how they run.

We'll see how they run. No, we said that because we could not get past.

Yeah, I tried to keep correcting you, but you wouldn't listen. We're going to see one final scene. This is going to take us to the close of the show. We're going to see one final scene. Janet, sorry, Janet Morph and Erin, the three of you are going to be coming up with a new nursery rhyme that's for newer kids, for 2019 kids. Newer kids. Because three by mice is a little tone deaf. So we are going to write a new nursery rhyme.

Okay, cool. What are kids into? Well, you're eight, you know. You know, you get it.

Gary, tell us. Well, eight-year-olds nowadays, we really love mommy.

Three, three mommies.

I'm sorry, no, not Three Mommies. That's gonna be way too confusing for kids.

Okay, okay. What about Two Mommies?

If you have lesbian parents who get divorced, one gets remarried, I think Three Mommies works.

Okay, Three Mommies.

That fits most people's worldview. Three Mommies, and my mommy's always doing very nice things for me. She's teaching me lessons, she's helping me.

Three Mommies making salad. Three Mommies making salad. What rhymes with salad?

Ballad? This is the ballad of Three Mommies Making Salad.

I'm sorry, I was doing metaphorical rhymes. I didn't realize we were doing literal rhymes.

I don't know what either one of those words mean.

Three Mommies Making Salad.

I like that a lot.

This is a ballad. Mallet, shallot, ballad, shallot, ballad.

And now we're going to have Michelle Kwan skate through the studio.

Janet, Janet Morph, thank you so much for being on the show.

Thank you, I have used up all my laughter for the day, so I will not be laughing at anyone for the rest of the day.

You have a set amount of laughter.

No more joy today. Yeah, no more joy.

Because we didn't have any outlets in the room so Janet couldn't recharge her laughter.

I wasn't able to.

Janet, anything you would like to, speaking of plugging in, anything you'd like to plug?

Listen, I think you plugged it at the top. You can listen to The JV Club. And I'm also on Voyage to the Stars, which is an improvised space podcast. I'm very excited for possibly any and all people in this room to eventually be on it as we are doing more.

Absolutely.

Yes, please. And that's it. That's all. Let's keep it simple.

Simple like salad. JPC, anything to plug? Simple like salad. You can find my dressing on Twitter at jpsofly. You can find my dressing on Instagram at sharkbarkman. If you like this show, you might like our Patreon. You can find our Patreon at patreon.com slash heyriddleriddle. It's $5 a month and you get a bonus episode every frickin' Friday. And access to JPC's blog. And you get access to my blog. Overflow! That's what it's called, Overflow. We might do an Overflow blog where I just talk about all my I would like to thank Mars for helping us out this whole time in LA. Thank you producer Extraordinary Mars.

Also, thank you to HeadGum for having us and hosting us, and please check out the other podcasts on the HeadGum network. And Erin, there's nine in the SS. Of course, the most famous one is... Jay.

Jupiter!

Bye forever!

That was a hate gum podcast.