Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Hey everyone, it's GPC. I've got to be very quick, but I have two things that I need to tell you. The first thing, our Shubas show, the Hey Riddle Riddle show at Shubas on August 16th in Chicago, we have added a second show. The first show sold out, so we have a second show. It's an earlier show. It's at 7 PM. Everybody should come. If you want tickets, you can go to our Twitter and click the link in our pinned tweet. That'll take you to buy tickets at the website. I hope everybody comes after the show. The second thing, very quick, I don't think Joe Biden is the right choice for the Democrats in 2020. I really hope people come around. I think Andrew Yang has a lot of interesting ideas. This is not an endorsement. I just think that that needs to be said. Shubas on the 16th at 7 p.m. and then the other thing about Andrew Yang, although I'm willing to walk that back.

The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of lights. Then we're gonna finish. It was the cabin of an airplane.

No 50, all 50, it's Hey Riddle Riddles's 50th show! Confetti and glitter! Bingo bingo hot-hot. Stop. Stop with the fucking confetti and glitter. We don't own this studio. We have to clean this up. We rent this by how clean it is. This is just flour. Is it? Yes.

No, it's cocaine.

What do you cook with?

I'll see ya.

Cookie cocaine? This is just flour. No, it's cocaine. We do an improv podcast and that is embarrassing.

They look the same. That's sort of a yes.

Welcome to our 50th episode. Boy oh boy, this doesn't make any fucking 50 cents. Wow, 50 cents and I'm JPC.

I cannot believe we made it to 50 episode. Do you want to know a fun fact? Yes. 50 is half of a hundred.

Oh, you want to know another fun fact? The 50th anniversary is the gold anniversary. So in this episode I'm going to be gold man puzzles. Gold man puzzles?

I thought it was wood.

It is, but I love gold. Golden puzzles, didn't you cause the financial crash? Yeah, cause a lot of things, but I got a parachute. Hold on, I'm sorry, I gotta see a scene. Adal, Erin, you are both investment bankers. You work for Goldman puzzles. Wait, Goldman puzzles? You work for Goldman puzzles and you are talking about how you're doing something very risky that could cause a crash.

Telling you, man, we're on the up and up. We can't do anything wrong, dude.

Yes, yes, yes. We have to keep our heads above water. Yeah.

But you know what? Speaking of taking a risk.

Nobody said that.

I think you did.

I said keep my head above water because my wife drowned. So I'm always very cautious about wading into the ocean.

Speaking of your wife drowning.

Well, that I was talking about.

I got an idea.

You never came to the funeral.

What's up?

You never came to the funeral?

I stopped by. I drove by.

Are you the black SUV that drove by and just screamed dead?

Yeah, I was playing party in the USA. And then I went dead out the window.

Okay, I do need to let you know that was the one bright moment of the funeral. But usually funerals don't have bright moments. And that way it was an outlier that was not welcome.

I think we should pop the housing bubble. I think we should ruin the economy. I think we should tank everything. It's 2007 and I'm feeling like that's the right call.

Here's my fear, and let me know if you disagree. I feel like Adam McKay will write a movie about whatever we do, so I think we need to be very careful.

Hands up, playin' my song, put it out there. Oh, does someone die? See ya. See ya. I'm not calling it a scene anymore. I'm gonna start singing party at the USA and then scream dead. And it'll just be implied.

Yeah, that'll be great for editing purposes. So I'm gonna be Goldman Puzzles. Erin, you're gonna be Boston Flowers. Hmm. You're Bostonian covered in flour or cocaine. I'm sorry Boston cocaine. Yeah, sure, absolutely. I thought that was a flour show. And JBC, why don't you be fat bastard? And that is FAP, F-A-P. Fat bastard!

Where's the door?

And what is fat bastard's sketchphrase?

It is FAP bastard. But FAP stands for full anal penetration. I know what FAP stands for. Fat bastard. Get in my penis!

How did we get to 50 episodes? So I do want to let you know, as Goldman Puzzles, I do want to let you know I do have something very, very special, especial planned for this episode. I thought since a lot of times, again, I would never call our listeners fans because we get a lot of hate mail. And they oscillate. They also hate. So I'm going to say that we're going to do, we usually get guff for not doing enough riddles. So I thought for our 50th episode we would do 50 riddles.

Let's get into chaos.

Let's get into it. Back to life. Uh, Adal, what a brilliant idea. Thank you so much.

What made you decide 50 riddles?

Yes. Oh, actually. John Patrick Coan, Cincinnati Inquirer.

What made you decide 50 riddles? Cincinnati Inquirer? That newspaper burned down years ago.

Erin Keif, Cleveland Inquirer.

Cleveland Inquirer? Isn't that a sex act? Is anybody here who's not a ghost?

I gotta head out. I'm from the New York Times. Hold on, hold on.

I'm a mummy.

You have kids? Yeah, I'm actually a mummy. What a great laffy taffy joke.

Adal, Adal, I got a question.

Yes.

Okay, well I'm from the 1920s paper.

Oh, this is 2019.

Okay, I'm in the wrong place.

Wrong time, I think.

Can you point me to the 1920s?

Can I point you to the 1920s? Is it north? I'm gonna point behind me because time moves... I am 1920s Fokker. Can you point me? Oh boy, what an episode. Erin, to answer your question, why 50? I think 50 because... Does that number mean something to you? It does. My favorite actor is Sam Rockwell. He is 50 years old, so I thought, why not?

Is he 50?

I don't know. Probably. Way to blow up Sam Rockwell's spot. He's got to be 50, 55. He's got to be 40. Walking around letting people know. You think Sam Rockwell's 40?

I think he's 48.

Wow. You changed your tune real fast, songbird.

I want to have sex with him, so he must be 48.

Dead stop.

What's up? I've had a dead stop in a while.

Dead stop. You said, I think Sam Rockwell is 40. 48?

I meant his 40s. I think Sam Rockwell is in his 40s.

Here's what I want to do. Each one of us is going to say something to illicit. For Erin, it's a dead stop. For me I believe it's a full stop, and for JPC it's a hard stop. So, Erin you did yours, so JPC you need to say something that's going to elicit a hard stop. It's going to be a hard stop.

I have a recurring sex dream about one of my cousins. Whenever you're ready just say something that's going to really... Something that's surprising for you. Something that's surprising for you.

Something that will take us aback.

Thank you. I'm just going to do a couple more vocal warm ups. It's not very JPC. I'm going to do a couple more vocal warm ups.

It's something that maybe is not on brand for you.

Gotcha. And your brand is Air Walk. Uh, the other day I helped a homeless person. Helped him drown.

Yeah, at the beginning of that sentence it's like, maybe this is... Okay, a couple more vocal warm-ups than I'm ready to say.

A shocking truth and get a hard stop. I screamed at a Long John Silver's employee for not using my full name when presented with my credit card. That's gonna be a full stop, hard stop. That's gonna be a hard stop. Let me think of something that's actually... You have a credit card? I stole it from my dad. Something that's actually a hard stop. A worthy... Like a California stop. Just a roll-through.

California pizza stop. California Pizza Stops!

Is it California Pizza Stop? That's California Pizza Kitchens. What's the hot and ready? Uh... Pizza Pizza. No, Pizza Pizza. Little Caesars. Little Caesars. It's California Pizza Kitchens Little Caesars. Yeah. Yeah.

California Pizza Stop. It's their chili too. For real. For real. For real. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Oh my gosh. Someone just walked in the studio. Alan Alda is here. Alan Alda, please sit down at the microphone. And Alan Alda, thank you so much for coming here. I don't know what brings you back. It's absolutely my pleasure to be here.

And Alan is short for what? Alan is actually, are you familiar with scuba? Yeah.

I'm familiar with mash.

Okay, MASH is another great example. It's like mansion, apartment, studio, house. Hotel? Do you think the H in MASH stands for hotel?

If you're a rock star.

I just want to say I've been a big fan of the show. I heard you were turning 50 episodes today and I wanted to stop by and say Sam Rockwell is 50 years old. Is he really? He's actually 50. Dead on? Dead on. I pulled that out of my ass. Are you kidding?

Which is not too far from 48 though.

November 5th 1968 is when he was born. I'm going to say it now. I'm fucking brilliant.

I'm gonna say now, 48's only two less than 50.

Yeah, great job, Erin. Okay. Mr. Allen Alda, would you mind? And just so everyone knows, Allen Alda. Alda is actually an anagram for always let a daddy finish.

What?

Where's the F coming? Right here.

And then Adal points to himself with two thumbs. That's where the F comes in. Alan, would you please do a commercial, I want to see a scene, just commercial for Little Caesars? Sure. Pizza. Pizza. Scene.

Thank you so much, Alan. Thanks Alan. Have a great, you never quite got the voice this time, but you never had it. You were 80% close to what you usually are.

I don't know if you ever had it.

In episode 6 or 7 you showed up and now you're back. Bye!

It's wild that St. Rockwell's 50.

I can't believe I got that on the head. Uh, Japes, real quick, let's check in with our riddle meter. Where are we at?

Uh, we are at, we've answered zero riddles so far for the episode. Okay. We need fifty, fifty to go.

Okay. He would be the one that let me be in charge of the riddle meter because I kept dropping it.

You broke ten riddle meters?

They're only like, what are they, a thousand dollars a pop?

Okay, I have to see a scene, I have to see a scene. Erin, you are going to be returning a riddle meter to Adal. Adal, you own a riddle shop, and this is the, it has to be the tenth riddle meter that this person has broken. Welcome to my shop.

My name is Paul Riddles.

Paul Riddles.

I was named after that movie with Herrick Idol about the Beatles called The Riddles.

Oh, so you must be pretty young?

I'm pretty young and also my last name was what was named.

And then you went into working in a riddle shop after... Yes.

Can I help you? Aren't you the girl I sent to get me a riddle meter?

No, the girl that happened, she wasn't wearing this hat, so it's certainly not me.

I guess not.

Yeah, so this was broken when I bought it, and I thought I could love it back to life. But yeah, this was certainly broken when I bought it, and I didn't.

Are you doing the dead parrot sketch to me? Because I mentioned Eric Idol?

No, because I don't know what that is. This parrot was dead when I bought it?

I'm very young. Ooh, how young are you?

I was born in 1991.

You were born in 1991.

Yeah, so can I have the money back for this, about $1,000?

You know that's the same year Sam Rockwell was just turning afresh. Do it. Do it. 23. No, wrong! No, wrong! Who is that?

He was born in 16.

Oh, that's my son.

My name's Scott, and I fucking hate my dad.

Scott Ruddles?

Scott Ruddles. A little bit rebellious. Yeah, I'm rebellious. The only person I like is fap bastard.

I'll just take my $1,000 and be on my way.

Dad, why don't you just frickin' kill her? Use some of your laser beams and kill her, Dad.

This is a bit extreme. I will take store credit.

My dad is an evil riddle maker. He's got a riddle layer and he never frickin' just does away with someone.

He's got a riddle layer?

Why did you ask for $1,000? Why not make it $1,000,000? See, he needs... Oh! Wait, did you hear that? Oh my god, it's Riddikitty is here in the studio Riddikitty. Oh Riddikitty. Wow, one of our most fleshed out characters made it back for the 50th episode.

And certainly we have not mentioned you in 20 or so episodes.

My favorite fan art someone made of me is when they made me dress like Mary Tyler Moore and then they threw, remember all the fan art?

No we remember but I'm saying do you want to on air say your favorite fan art?

I mean a few people did it but then the moment where my little mouse is on my head and I threw my mouse up in the air and it was a freeze frame. Well oh a fan art's a freeze frame.

Any drawing is a freeze frame.

No it's a little animated. Riddikitty is the only one of my businesses to follow.

What even up do you look real bad? I remember Riddikitty. Holy shit, Kid Riddles? No, it's me, Frank. I'm the mouse that is Riddikitty's hat. I haven't been canonically addressed yet, but my name is Frank. I am the mouse that is Riddikitty's hat.

So you're not Kid Riddles? No, I don't know who the fuck that is. Can you answer me this? Is this flour or cocaine? This is mouse cocaine. AKA flour.

This is my hat.

My hat, yeah. Okay, this is your what?

My hair.

Your what?

My wife.

See? See? That wasn't a scene. What do you mean, scene? Scene real soon, Riddikini. We'll be seeing ya. Bye Frank. Is that your name? Yeah. Fuck off. Oh, here he comes. Here's that skateboardin' asshole. Hey Kid Riddles.

Ow! You just ran into my shin with your freaking skateboard, you asshole!

Or did that beanstalk ass shin run into my skateboard? Nice comeback.

Just dabbed after I did that.

I always dab after I do something great, and I'm always doing something great, so I'm always freaking dabbing, aren't I? Um, Kid Riddles. Sure. What have you been up to?

You look real bad, too. What's that? You look real bad.

You get to sleep? I just got out of a street fight. I was at an arcade place.

Who'd you play, Blanca? What's that? Blanca? Are you a dolsom guy? Yeah, I was actually Ryu. Ryu's my pick. So I said were you Blanca or were you dolsom and you said yeah, I was Ryu. Do you know this is an improv podcast? I don't care what this podcast is. Do you know the foundation of improv is Yes And? Why would I know that? I'm a skateboarding punk kid.

I don't give a shit about improv. I'm a Vegas guy myself. What's that? Vegas. Yeah. Now you speak my language. Six Flags.

Six Flags. What's the group that sings Barbie Girl? Is it Aqua?

It's Aqua.

Do you remember the other song they did?

Uh Ken Boy?

I'm a Ken Boy! And I'm here to stay! Ken, Ken, Ken! Every day I got no dick! It's flat down there! I'm a Ken Boy! Get out of my hair! Perfect hair! Quaffed and firm! I'm a Ken! Watch me squirm! Yeah! Do the bridge! Do the bridge! And the hook brings you back.

I was thinking of the baby I've been missing you. I want you by my side. I don't know that one. I hope you stay.

Anyway, I hope you two losers stay fresh. Toilet water fresh. Flush dab.

Wait, sing that Ken song again.

Fuck you.

Always a treat to see Kid Riddles.

Yeah, Kid Riddles. Wow, what a card. What a character.

My shins hurt now.

Yeah, I'm sorry. Hey! That'll be the greatest thing you ever feel, Garden State. This injury will change your life. Speaking of, oh wait one second. Speaking of changing your life. Is that? Hey guys. Is that Arnie Neekam? What? Is that Arnie Neekam? No, it's Arnie Parrot.

Who is it?

I'm Arnie Parrot. I love Wolf of the Magic Tavern. No, it's a good show, but I don't know. I'm Arnie Parrot. I write all your music. Oh, usually the host of Magic Tavern and now you're playing a parrot character? No, I write your music for your show. Oh, well how does the song go?

This is Horny Parrot. Oh Horny Parrot. This is Horny Parrot from Twitter. This is the one that writes all the music.

The doctor was a mother. I'm okay, I'm sorry, I'm a little rushed. Are you guys doing something important? Yeah, I spelled it with an I. I know H-O-R-I-N. H-O-R-N-I-E. Oh, you spelled it with an I. Yeah, H-O-R-I-E. So what I just said, we're not going to agree with? I don't really know what you're talking about, honestly. I said, or, any, and you said, no with an I. No, I said, I spelled it with an I. I might as well just keep that going. I write the music for the podcast that you're doing right now. Yeah, so I wrote the theme at the beginning and the end, and I'm, are you guys doing something important? I'm so glad you brought this up.

I mean, you're almost at midnight.

Yeah, I know. We're real close. I am really bad at writing songs. I love songs specifically, so you guys are all like, you guys know what love is, right? I've heard about it. Yeah, good enough. I saw my best friend's wedding.

Who's your best friend? Rob White. That's so lucky. And Erin and I kind of have a will they or won't they thing going on?

Yeah, people, that's what people famously say about us, is that we have a will they, won't they.

Do you think we will or we won't? I don't listen to the podcast. It's a will they ingrace or won't they ingrace? That's what Erin and I have going on.

It's Carrot, will they? And Grace and Jack, I won't say it, Grace. I nailed it.

I nailed it. Yeah, so how can we help? Well, I just need, I wrote a chorus that sucks so much and I just need help writing verses. What about this? Okay.

New tagline for Yelp. Okay, I'm gonna write this down. No, this is different. This is shut your fucking mouth on your thing.

Okay, should I? How can we Yelp? Oh, how about Yelp? I need somebody to leave a review.

Oh, okay, that's good. Erin, do you have one? A new tagline for Yelp? I need somebody. What was that?

It's a little puppy making a noise.

So you've turned yip yip into Yelp? Yelp?

That's what it is in France. Yelp Yelp!

That's true. Okay, French Yelp. That works. And are we in France?

Not right now.

Yes we are.

But to the little imagination.

Now it's my turn. Yes we are. We're on top of the Eiffel Tower.

Yes, then we are here. And this is my best friend, Jack Santa. Now all I have to think is Lumiere. And then I can do it.

Sorry, Horny. You said you needed help with this. It's Hornald, actually. Actually, it's Hornald.

This is the pleasure of having Horny Parrot in the studio is he's humming Levine Rose under our French scene. I can't stop.

You're humming Avril Levine Rose? What's funny is that Adal said sorry, Horny, which is something he says on the normal podcast as well.

Sorry, Horny. I always take breaks to the bathroom and drag off. Sorry, Horny. So, Horny, you needed help with the song?

I just need some help outlining. I'm gonna outline the verses here and you guys help me. So what's something... Okay, first verses of songs are always, I mean, everyone knows classic like Barbie Girl or like those classic aqua songs.

Can I interrupt you real quick? Yeah, what's up? I feel like the first first of the best songs usually have somebody coming in to say the year. Okay. So like 2019.

It's the year that my best friend wedding comes out.

So I'm gonna write down yeah so intro and yeah to be very clear no idea is bad. I am so desperate at this point. Like a hype man. Alright tell us what you have so far. Remember in Freebird they have a hype man? Yeah in Freebird yeah they have the hype man two guitarists I think. You gotta tell us what you got so far. Okay so the chorus oh it sucks so much the chorus is And if you were the evening I'd cast down the day, if you were a gospel I'd kneel and pray, if I were a poet I still couldn't say what you are, what you mean, for you are the color in a world of gray.

So that fucking blows.

And so I need like verses that- I feel like it needs to be meaner? Yeah, Sophia's first- Cause you have to neg them. So the first verse should be very mean. So I should be describing her in a negative way.

And not her appearance, but just sort of like- Well why not her appearance though?

What makes her ugly on the inside? Oh, I know what to do. Let's compromise. Let's shit talk her internal organs.

Yeah, perfect. They're like ugly. Okay.

Like your lungs is nasty.

Okay, lungs is nasty.

But your ass is tasty? Ooh!

Your liver is useless.

I think, honestly, let's go negative the whole way. Your ass is not tasty. Your lungs is nasty. Okay. Your ass is a lump. So, no rhyming? No, no, no. He's setting it up.

Your lungs is nasty. Your ass is a lump. But isn't a lumpy ass kind of like an okay thing, or am I just afraid?

You want it to be lumpy in a good way, but I think with context we're going to say that lump is going to be bad. I will say we have to make it inside of her, because an ass can be the outside, and we're not going to comment on a woman's outside appearance. So it needs to be your sphincter.

You could insult me, but not this woman across the hall. Well, she's not there. Oh, what's her name?

Susie. And who's the guy she's marrying? I think it's Kevin, actually. Interesting. I'm writing this down. I don't see it. Okay. So what do we have so far? We have 2019. Someone's gonna come in and yell, 2019. And then we're gonna describe Susie, your lungs is nasty, but your ass is lumpy.

Can we have, before the 2019, can we have somebody come in, a hype man, come in and go, uh, what year is it? And then somebody calling responses and says, 2019.

But with a question mark?

Or maybe they're like exaggerating, like exasperating. And then the person goes, then there's still time.

yeah okay 2019 there's still time and then we get then we get into okay we got a ramen's internal yeah what's up cracked up body cracked up body like you Humpty Dumpty

Thanks for watching!

Yeah, so then, uh... Oh, how about, uh... So we've got our first two lines, which are so good.

Alright, now we gotta go after him.

What if we say... No, I don't think we have to do that. I like Erin's line where you said, go after a woman's uterus, so you could say, I just went after your uterus, um, you the fucking stupidest. Because brains is internal.

I do love how we correctly identified from Arnie's chorus that this is a rap song. This song? Horny.

I think we gotta go after him now so it's balanced. Couples are made of two.

Oh, what rhymes with dong? Okay, I'm just gonna write the word dong here. Perfect. So I'm going to write schlong and dong. All right, so that's got to be our next two rhymes, right? Yeah. Yeah. You guys are striking gold here. So we've got something, something, something about a schlong, something, something about his dong.

You've got a mediocre, the inside of, the inside of your dick is a mediocre schlong.

Yeah, the inside of that dick, inside of that dick, mediocre schlong. I'll remember it. Gotcha.

Something, something, dong. You think fifty is impressive? It's not.

Can you put something something dong? Can you put something something dong? Can you put something something dong?

Can you put something something dong? Can you even describe your something something dong? Can you even describe your something something dong? Can you even describe your something something dong? Can you even describe your something something dong? Can you even describe your something something dong?

Can you even describe your something something dong? Can you even describe your something something dong? Can you even describe your something something dong? Can you even describe your something something dong?

Can you even describe your something something dong? Can you even describe your something something dong?

50 inches is not impressive and 50 episodes is not impressive.

50 inches would be terrible.

You think 50 is impressive? Like they've been married 50 years? You think 50 is impressive?

Okay.

Well guess what? It's not.

Okay, so I think in the first verse we've established we're nagging both of them. I think we'll put a chorus then. This can be the start of the second verse, where now we've trashed sort of them individually. Oh, so our first verse is four lines? Yeah, I think that's probably for the best. Gotcha, sure.

What rhymes with fifth titties?

Fifth titties. Shlong. Hey Riddle Yeah, well this is actually great because normally I write alone and all I've done is write pretty crappy work. So this is really awesome having these three collaborators. Adal Rifai, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Keif, Erin Can I say something?

Second verse, same as the first.

Technically he did say something. That's something. It's nothing in terms of what we're doing, but it is something.

It's worse. Here's I've pegged JPC in both senses. Anytime JPC improvises, a very quick line. It either has to do with a sister or brother. A son or daughter missing or dead. Or a horse. Sometimes it's a dog who knows the answer to a puzzle.

Sometimes it's a police horse.

So relax.

That's fair.

It's usually a police horse. I like the idea of talking about how hot their sister brother is. I also feel like there should be some part shoe hoarding in there that's from the point of view of the songwriter.

Okay, well why don't we do that on the bridge? Because the bridge is, okay, so, sign writing theory here. The bridge is too far. It's a bridge too far. Yeah, but I mean, we're gonna have to get to it eventually. We gotta mention the 50. The 50? Oh, yeah, so it's two shitties, two fifties, two fifties, something titties, right? Can we call the bridge in this song a Jeff Bridges? Yeah, we'll call it, we're gonna get to the Jeff Bridges. What rhymes with 50? Crazy heart. That was a Jeff Bridges movie. Taylor Swiftie? Shifty? Taylor Swiftie.

Taylor Swiftie. Yeah. You're as mediocre as Taylor Swiftie.

Well, we've already talked about his mediocre dick. Do we really have to insult Taylor Swift?

Alright, you're as...

I just think when we get to the bridge, so definitely I love the idea of the songwriter having a perspective because that's me and all I know is to write myself. So when we get to the Jeff Bridges, I think that's where I get to say what I want. And by default, you guys are singular, so just the Jeff Bridge. When we get to the Jeff Bridge, so I'll get to say what I want. So what do you guys want to leave as a mark on this one? Could it be a Nash Bridges? Does anyone remember that show? It's Star Jeff Bridge, right?

What about having it be a bridge of Madison County?

Yeah, I think we could make that work. What if we did a joke about burning bridges? No! No! No! Adi says no!

Adi says no!

It's horny, are you upset? It's hornaled. And no, I'm not. I'm fine. I'm just, my blood pressure is pumping, and I just have to get this done. There's a really nice... Ooh, that's a good lyric. My blood pressure is pumping. Perfect, yeah.

But that ass keeps thumping.

Yeah, but that ass keeps thumping. Yeah, so now this is all positive though. So the first verse, we're nagging.

It's all positive. It's all positive. Nagging starts at negative, but it's four positive things.

What if your ass is thumping in a bad way? Like you have a tumor or something?

We're talking about their 50th anniversary. Okay. Just wanted to remind everyone that that's what we're talking about.

Can we have Brad Garrett say, everybody loves fucking? Can we have Brad Garrett say, everybody loves fucking?

I don't want my name on this unless it's just my name and I get full credit.

Real quick, Japes, can we check the riddle meter? Okay, yes, the riddle meter, this thing must be broken. It still says that we are at zero riddles. I mean, songwriting is a great riddle. Horny, are we almost done? Because we have to get to these riddles.

So the bridge is going to be my perspective. Why don't you guys just each give me one thing you want to say about this song, like that I can write into the bridge. Because we're all the songwriter, be unfair. Four lines. So I go ahead and say, I'll start with sort of, your eyes are beautiful. Because I think we have to have something in there that's nice, right? Yeah. Eyes are beautiful. Okay, great. So this doesn't have to worry about Ryan. Just give me a sentiment. A sentiment. I'm describing both of their eyes as beautiful, you know? That's a lovely thing.

That's like the layered rock. And just because they saw each other, because they found each other.

Yeah, they're beautiful only because they know each other. That's perfect. They found each other. They wouldn't be beautiful otherwise. They see each other.

Can we say instead of saw each other, can we say jigsaw each other? Do you want that to be your contribution to the bridge?

Just so people can't even guess.

Just so it's not clear even from space that this is a song.

Do you have any other inputs? So what else? So a sentiment. Can you write this down word for word? Yeah I can, hold on.

If you ever talk to me in the tone that you talked to me last night, I will walk out this door and I'm not coming back.

My cousin is a lawyer? Okay, yeah. Is that it?

And his website, and his website, is www.lawlawlaw.

Okay. Yeah.

Alright, so that'll be the third line. Uh, and JPC, how do we, how do we really cap this thing home? I would like to cap it off. Yeah, yeah.

We don't have any money, Erin. I'm sorry.

I would like to cap it off with the following lines, and I would like this to be a word for word. Yeah, I'm writing these down. I'll make love to you. Like you want me to. And I'll hold you tight, baby, all through the night.

Okay.

And those are just kind of off the top of my head. It's really good. Thank you. I'm worried it's not nagging enough.

And then at the end... Don't worry, just do it when you perform it. Do it sarcastically. Hey Horny. Horny.

Yeah. Yeah. Nagers can't be choosers. That's true.

At the end of the song, just underneath, like whatever's happening, like the goodbye, like it's 2019 or whatever it is. Can you just have someone going, I'm 15 for a moment.

I feel like we're losing the hype man's voice, so can he check in and go, can he check in again about the year?

Yeah, I think maybe in my brain he's checking in all the time. And it's a different year. And it's the year that everybody loves Raymond was number one. And Brad Garrett goes, it's the year I'm number one.

I also think he goes, I like the sound of my own voice.

Okay. Okay. And then I think that the, do we need one more verse? Oh, definitely.

Yeah.

I think the last verse, we've totally forgotten about the couple and now it's just the hype man and Brad Garrett and they're doing a duet to each other. They're a couple.

And then this should be actually sweet because that's the couple we are rooting for.

Yeah. And it kind of is a metaphor about how love brings people or this, my song is going to bring people together. So we need a hype, it's a duet. So we need a hype man.

It's $11.55, we gotta get this down. I've never seen no movie stars as beautiful as you.

That's what Brad Garrett says?

There's no rhyme there. I'll take care of the rhyme. Can the two of them in unison give an Emmy acceptance speech? Wait, what do songs win? What do songs win?

Grammys. Okay, I think we've just done one riddle, correct? That didn't count. Well, that doesn't count as a riddle.

This was unexpected.

Yeah, okay, so this is great.

And instead of saying, I'm 15 for a moment, you go, I'm 15 for a moment. And we have to take a break so let us go out of this break with an original horny parrot song this is a 50th anniversary song halfway through can there be like a doorbell ring and then the door opens and somebody says did you order pizza? And then the response to that are you, Horny's, three favorite things about Erin Keif. You just stop the song, this is like a record scratch, and you go, here are my three favorite things about Erin Keif.

But it's set as if you're underwater. Okay, so this is the 50th anniversary song that I'm composing for you right now? Yep. Alright. And we will be right back after these messages. Hey, thank you guys. Thanks so much for all your help. I'll keep you posted.

Back to the studio. Back to work. Alright, what did they say? Let's look at these notes. Ass is lumpy. Humpty Dumpty.

Oh my god. Kevin and Susie are going to love this. Alright, let's get to work. If you were the darkness, I cast out the day. And if you were a gospel, I'd kneel and pray. And if I were a poet, I still couldn't say what you are, what you mean. For you are the color in a world that is gray. You there. Boy, what year is it? It's 2019! Then there's still time. Happy anniversary. Here we go. Your lungs is nasty, but your ass is lumpy. You got a cracked up body like you Humpty Dumpty. The inside of that dick is a mediocre schlong. Can't even begin to describe you're something something dumb. Too fast, too shitty! A dumb, shitty anniversary. Your ass is thumping. In a bad way. Yeah, but I wanna be humpin'. In a brand way. Everybody loves bucket. Well, nothin' else was decided for the second verse, so I guess it's back to long hearts.

If you were the darkness, I cast out the day.

And if you were a gospel, I can yield the prey. And if I were a poet, I still couldn't say what you are, what you mean. And if you are the color in a world that is gray. Oh well. It's still 2019! Your eyes are beautiful. But only because they saw each other. If you ever talk to me in the tone that you talked to me last night, I will walk out this door. And I'm not coming back because my cousin is a lawyer and his website is www.warwarwar.com. I'll make love to you. If you want me to, and I'll hold you tight, baby, I'll sleep at night. HIGHTMANVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Thank you.

Well hello there my fellow Americans. It's me, former President Jimmy Carter. And boy oh boy do I have a deal for you. Now, you're all special, unique people. So this summer, let's get you a special mattress made just for you and your unique needs. Helix Sleep is the only mattress company that gives you a quiz that takes just two minutes to complete. and matches your body type and sleep preferences to the perfect mattress for you. Whether you're a side sleeper, a stomach sleeper, a hot and sweaty sleeper, a 4th of July sweeper, you like a plush or a firm bed with helix, there's no more confusion and no more compromising on an average mattress. You get something that works exactly for you. Helix Sleep was even awarded the number one best overall mattress pick of 2019 by GQ and Wired Magazine. Spaghetti. Calm down. Calm down. Just go to helixsleep.com slash riddle. Take their two-minute sleep quiz and then match you to a customized mattress that'll give you the best sleep of your life. Guaranteed. Go to your bed. Go to your bed. Just They have a 10-year warranty and you get to try it out for a hundred nights risk-free. They'll even pick it up for you if you don't love it. But you will love it. Spaghetti, lay down. Just lay down. Good girl. Good girl, spaghetti. Now for their 4th of July sale, Helix is offering up to $200 off in two free pillows with all mattress orders for our listeners at helixsleep.com slash riddle. That's helixsleep.com slash R-I-D-D-L-E for up to $200 off in two free pillows during their 4th of July sale. Well, I might just be a humble peanut farmer turned president, but that's a pretty good deal to me. But don't just take it from old Jimmy Carter, former president, take it from my beautiful wife Rosalind Carter.

I said I don't want to be on your podcast.

Right, just do it. Just do Rosalind Carter. No. Please?

I'm Rosalind.

Well, The Happy Couple Speaks. Helixsleep.com slash Riddle.

Hey Erin. You know who my favorite Muppet is? Who? Scrover.

The Swedish Shurf. Feeney Verney.

That one. No, not Janet Varney. The Swedish Chef.

Oh, okay.

Oh, Janet Varney. Yeah, no, she's not. Well, she might be Nordic. But what I'm saying is I love cooking. Oh, cooking. I love cooking, which is why, vis-a-vis, I love hello

I love cooking but I really don't have the time to do it that often because I really don't have the time to shop for ingredients.

Well, you're going to have to find time and that's going to be easy with HelloFresh because they send you pre-packaged ingredients. My favorite thing about watching cooking shows is they always have these little ramekins filled with the portions already and you just dump it in. That's what HelloFresh does. They send you packaging, you have everything you need, there's no surplus, you're not missing anything, you dump it in, you feel like you're on the chew and you're cooking up a storm.

I just have to say I love the word ramekin and this is not part of the ad but I do want to tell both of you that earlier today I saw a squirrel eating out of a ramekin and it was kind of adorable. And you know usually that's just rat. That's just a rat.

So anyways what if so it's like only taking 30 minutes but is the cleanup time a lot?

Not at all. The cleanup time is bare minimum.

Erin you use less than two pots and pans per Thanks for watching!

What if you're a vegetarian or you have kids?

They've got a plan for that. They have a family plan. They have a veggie plan. They even have a plan for families of veggies, like veggie tails. Yeah. So if you're a Christian family of vegetables, you could get hella fresh as well.

And in that instance, they'll send you a package where they don't include anything that you are. So if you're a carrot, they won't send you carrots because that's madness. But they also have a classic plan, which is what I've received in the past. And I absolutely go bunkers for this food. Yeah, you're just a fan of the classics. You know why it's called Hello Fresh? Why? It's because it's fresh as H. And also, when you eat it, it's like you're waking up. It's like you're waking up your tongue and you're saying, hello, good morning, world. Good morning, flavor, right? It's like you're, who's the guy that looks like Smash Mouth? It's like your Guy Fieri. Janet Varney. It's like your Janet is like your Guy Varney and you're waking up and you're saying, I'm in flavor town and it's off the chain.

What can someone do for $80 off their first month?

I don't think that's possible. $80 off is too much off.

Yeah, that's too much. And I'm stupid as hell and this is a great deal for me, but even that is just too much.

Oh wait, I'm being told someone's whispering in my ear. Who is that man? The Fresh Ghost. The Fresh Ghost is here and it's saying for $80 off your first month of HelloFresh, go to hellofresh.com slash riddle 80 and enter riddle 80. That's hellofresh.com slash riddle 80 and enter riddle 80. 80 is what I'm saying. That's R-I-D-D-L-E eight zero. It's like receiving eight meals for free, and that is madness.

HelloFresh.com slash Riddle 80. Let me say that again. HelloFresh.com slash Riddle 80.

It's like you get $20 off your first four boxes.

Erin's carving it into her arm. Erin, don't do that. That vanity URL may not be around forever. Don't cut- Erin!

It will in my heart! It will in my heart!

It will them to foe.

Janet Varney.

Hello Fresh. And we are back. We're panning for gold because it's our 50th anniversary. Erin, quick check in. How are we doing?

Oh my gosh, I've never been better.

No, I said how are we doing?

Oh, I think we're doing great and I think we look great for 50.

We do look great for 15. What's our secret? I feel every year though. I feel every year.

You're like a tree, just like the rings inside are just like carved. Oh, thank God.

I was wondering, but this is sap and that makes sense. Oh, sorry. Horny. I'm sorry. Yes, Horny. Sorry, Horny. Adal has to go. He is excusing himself. We let that happen. That is valid for every episode. Okay, so I will just take on from here. Oh, this guy's going to be here to death. Sorry, I saw a Mulan.

Finally, the microphones are empty. It's Pussbot's time to shine back. I'm back too.

I'm horny again, Pussbot.

Because of me? Pussbot, what are you doing here, Pussbot? Adal left, so I came on to maybe co-host the show. Pussbot has things to say.

You know we tear you apart each time you come on. Why do you keep coming back home, bud?

Because any press is good press.

Pausebot, you know you can't. Press my buttons. You can't believe that's true. Being on the show Hey Riddle Riddle doesn't do anything for anyone. Oh? Yeah. Name two better podcasts.

Siblings, Pecular, and Hello from the Magic Tavern. Thank you so much. Tons up with badgers. You don't want to mention? Any other podcasts? What about the one where you did all Sherlock episodes? What was that one called? That was this podcast. Yeah, but it was a different name. It's a different episode of this podcast. Or the Halloween one.

Yeah, we've done 50 episodes. We've done a lot of episodes, Puzzpot.

But it's not a good show. Did you know that Sam Rockwell is 50 years old? Puzbot, you're recycling his position. Might as well be 48.

Puzbot, go back through and listen to every single Hey Riddle Riddle episode.

Done. Okay, great. Just did.

What's your favorite? Puzbot.

My favorite episode is this one. Ooh. Because Puzbot gets the most airtime.

Oh, no, I feel, okay.

My mom and dad listen to the show.

Oh, do they? Yes. Do you want us to give them a shout out?

Erin's their favorite. Wow. That's so nice. For the reason you would not think.

What is the reason?

You sound the sweatiest. Oh. Pussbot, get out of here you old scamp.

I don't smell the sweatiest and that's what counts.

You old so-and-so.

Adal, you just missed Pussbot.

You just missed Pussbot. Oh, did I? Yeah. Sorry I'm out of breath and wearing a robot costume. It's okay, you don't have to explain yourself.

Yeah, no, we don't ask any follow-up questions here.

We're like you for you on this show. He likes me for me. Who sings that song? Money, money, money. Puzzies, puzzies, puzzies. Adal Rifai's $100 giveaway based on the book Adaltude, My Life in Riddles and Puzzies. Uncle Adal writes a check. Who wrote that song? I'll give you $100 right now. Eaglelight Cherry.

Now I feel like I know what it is to be in Vegas. I just saw someone win big money and lose big money all at once. Right before we recorded Adal says, I have literally $100 left to my name.

Everybody fucks Adal. Everybody fucks Adal. Oh boy oh boy. By the way, it's not equal. Is it? I was literally searching my bag for my checkbook. I don't know who it is. It could be Third Night Blind for all line now.

It's horny parrot for that song.

Adal, can we get a riddle please? We're running out of time. Hit us with the best one. And we have to get 50 riddles this episode. How many are we doing? We are doing 50. Because it's the 50th anniversary. That doesn't sound right.

An innocuous number.

Hold on, okay. Have you heard our podcast? I knew that this would come up. I knew this was going to come up. That's why I recorded Us recording the podcast earlier, I will go back now and play that recording for proof that we said fifty here it is now.

Hello, my name is Jay Pissay. Can you believe I agreed to do this stupid podcast that's covered in dirt and for poor people? And I'm Erin Keif. Oh, I am so Victorian.

And I'm Adal Rifai. And I've crawled out of my crypt to do the podcast with you youth. But I must return to my

An-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-

Oh, but, oh no, I'm devastated. See, stop.

Stop it.

Quit it. Stop. Oh, he's crying. Oh, okay. I'm so sorry guys. Fuck. That was a real recording and we did not see it.

Do I sound like that?

I got pretty close for me.

I know I did say, I'm trying to do the splits, please give me attention, but I feel like my voice isn't that high.

What's crazy, Erin, is I think I said that same thing. I'm trying to do the splits, and by that I pointed to a twin banana splits in my left and my right hand, and please give me attention.

Is anyone else showing up? I hope we don't have any more dropping.

Yeah, actually, if we all pause for just one moment, leave just a little bit of dead air, I think we're gonna hear a little something from Canoe Dog.

This is me, Justin McElroy. As... Canoe Dog.

You'll never take me alive! I'm free, and my thirst for murder won't be slaked! I love murder. I'm free and I'm alive. I'm a sexual being. And I love murder. Your show gave me life and now I'll take life from others. I love murder. Yeah, I'm half canoe, half dog. I don't remember the bit. It's me, Knudog. What a treat it is to be back in Pittsburgh after all these years. Chicago? All right. I'm still here. I'm always here in the corner.

Yep. That took me, let me see how long it's been since you sent the last email, 12 days. It took me 12 days to come up with all that, believe it or not. Thanks, Canoe Dog.

See you later, Canoe Dog. Bye, buddy. Be careful out there.

OK. And you have a great day.

I just remembered Canoe Dog was a murderer. I just remembered. Remember? Oh, yeah. All of us.

That's right.

Oh, that just occurred to me. We were so nice.

If we do 100 episodes, we're going to hold them accountable. We're not. We're going to go to Riddle Court with Canoe Dog. We will. We will.

Wait, oh my god. I know that smell. J.P. Riddles is somewhere close. Oh god.

Oh yeah, that... Oh boy, that is J.P. Riddles. J.P. Riddles, why don't you come in here? Oh, and you got your niece and nephew with you. May someone cook in food in here?

It smells like a hot meal in here. That's you.

You smell like a crock pot full of vomit and... J.P.

Riddles, please be nice to these people.

We call that hook or chili.

Why?

What's that? You call that hooker over there chilly? First of all, chilly!

That hooker has a heart of gold. And he gave me a ride over here.

Wait, wait, wait. Bring her over. We're in our golden anniversary, so if she has a heart of gold... I'm sorry, I misspoke.

She's got a heart on of gold.

Wait, that's a cardboard cut out of Julia Roberts. Okay.

Mr. Riddles, Mr. Riddles, I'm recording this. Don't say anything gross.

Okay, okay, now I did bring my niece and my nephew here. Yeah, we're here. They wanted to have a hot meal and I said there's nothing hotter than what's going on in this podcast studio. So what is going on in this podcast studio?

We're doing our Hey Riddle 50th episode.

Fifty episodes! Wow, what an accomplishment. Not like me who's written over 300 Swanlumps books.

Ooh! Would you, as a treat for our listeners, would you mind reading one of your Swanlumps stories? Actually, specifically, book number 50?

Yeah.

Oh, you want me to read Swanlumps 50?

Or 69? Mr. Riddle's. Okay, I'll do Swanlumps 50.

Tell them what podcast you think that you're on right now, though.

This is car talk. I know because there's a talking car right there, a talking car right there. Okay, hold on. This is here. Okay. Let me see. Mr. Riddles? You can call me Jack.

What?

Call me Jack!

We've just found out your first name?

No, I just watched Pirates of the Caribbean today and I want to be like Johnny Depp. Not like Johnny Depp!

Mr. Riddles, the entire back of your pants is covered in blood. No blood in the front, only the back.

That's not blood that's piss. How did you piss the back of your pants? Did you sit on your dick? Not me, but a good question. Somebody else sat on your dick. Chili. Backwards to a real boy. Alright, now hold on. This is Swan Lumps number 50.

Mr. Riddles, tell them what you think podcasts are.

Okay, I told you I think podcasts are pop tarts. Now this is Swan Lumps number 50. The man who came into his podcast to get a hot meal. Well, once upon a time there was a man who was a classically misunderstood kind of handsome man about town, a Cavalier, Devil May Care attitude.

The blood's moving to the front.

He took his two little dipshit, he played for the Cavaliers, down to a podcast studio because he thought the podcast was pop tarts and he wanted to get a hot meal and ain't nothing like a hot blueberry pop tart. So JP Riddles, the old man who was a handsome devil, walked into that podcast studio, but it was a freaking ambush, and inside that studio was three little miscreants, a GPC, an Adal, an old what's-her-name.

I'm a car.

And he had two talking cars that were shifted looking motherfuckers. And anyway, old JP pulled out the squab, which was full of fake blood from his pants. Dashed them all in the eyes and then stole all their pop-tarts, aka microphones, and started eating all those things until Brad Garrett came out of nowhere and popped them in the back of the head with a sock full of corners.

Oh, you didn't even open up a book.

All right, kids. Come on. We're getting out of here. Brad Garrett gonna pop me with a sock full of corners.

Can we get a hot meal somewhere?

Wow, that was, uh... That was disruptive.

JBC, you were real quiet during that one. I'm sorry, but, uh, when, you know, you're in the presence of fucking talent, you shut your mouth.

Yeah, JBC classically... JBC classically read Swan Mumps growing up and refused to read.

I am a... I stand J.P. Riddles. You're purist, right? Yeah, absolutely. And I'm a big, big fan of it. He can do no wrong in my book. Yeah. Speaking of books, Adal, why don't you crack open that Riddle book and read to us a riddle. Here we... Go. Oh, before you do, who is that coming up in the distance? Knock knock. Hey. Hey, there's no door. Yeah, I auditorally knock knocked. It's KJ, letters themselves. Letters? Hi. Hi, clue crew. I also agree. Shouldn't you be in the booth? I really should be, and I agree with you, JPC. When you're in the presence of talent, shut the fuck up. I just really wanted to jump in. Stand. Stand. Yes. I just wanted to drop in and say you all are doing great. Oh, you're doing great. I do notice that we don't have any riddles.

Oh, is this notes?

Oh, letters and notes. I'm sorry. I do take notes. Usually my notes are all positive. Can I give you a note?

Yeah. B minor. Hit it. Damn it. Damn it, they're good.

What if letters is alter ego? What's in notes? Because letters is all the alphabet and notes is all music.

And you fight crime by waiting till a villain picks up a champagne glass.

That sounds awesome.

And then smashing it with your voice.

I've actually thought about this. There's an audio program that changes voices from one gender to another, which is a construct, but I was like, oh my gosh. The program's a construct? Erin Keif with A-A-R-R-O-N, Julia Patrice, Cullen, and Adal Rifai. Do me. Yeah. And then I would... And then Erin with an E. And then I could be notes. Yeah, that would make sense. That would be cool. That would be beautiful.

That would be episode 100. That would be fun.

But yeah, usually my notes are all positive. It's like... Minute 237, Erin just became a dolphin, and then battled Browder into his office to talk about dolphin things.

Gun badge on my sea desk.

And at the end, JPC says, welcome to Chili's.

I'm a dolphin. KJ, you just described every scene. I want to see a scene. Erin's a dolphin. I bring you into my office. We know the scene is over when JPC says, welcome to Chili's. Got it.

Petunia, can I see you in my office?

As you know, I am the king of water.

You are?

Yes, you know my name. I have the trident. The trident? I'm Poseidon. There we go. I'm Poseidon myself. Oh, you hate to hear that laugh. I just want to let you know that you don't, you don't, Petunia, you don't swim with the rest of the pod. Now, a lot of the other dolphins in the community have a pod. They stay in a pod to make sure that they're not caught in any cast nets. So, sort of avoiding the cast nets with their pods.

Everyone has a podcast. Everybody and their mom has a podcast. And I swim upside down, so I can't join them.

You swim upside down?

I said the order of words in which I meant to say them. Do you have a podcast? I mean, I do. My friends here are very funny. How can I echolocate it? We are on iTunes. We have one listener.

You're not on Apple Podcasts? Because I think iTunes is going the way of Atlantis.

No, it's just MP3 files on my iTunes.

You have MP3 files?

Yeah.

I have MP3 files, Parker. Can you milk me? Hey, I'm Brian. Welcome to Jewish. Table number two! KG, is that what you envisioned?

That is what plays in my mind when I go to bed. I will say, um, KG, you're amazing. Oh my gosh. And you're always so supportive in times.

KG, have you heard of a compliment saying, what you comes to pay me, motherfucker?

This is what happens. I'll have the compliment sandwich. So I thought maybe could you give us maybe one or two other scene ideas where there's no vulgarity, there's no vitriol or aggression. Just because I feel like that's our wheelhouse.

Okay. Alright, JPC, start a scene by saying Fuck you, where are we? And then Adal, you come in as a human penis that shoots blood. Okay, uh, well, okay. I guess I'm not in this. Okay, here's what you're doing. Erin, Erin, do you really want to be in this scene? No! Erin, you're gonna be a talking dolphin. You are Anne Frank's wet dream.

Scene begin. Fuck you, where are we?

Well, we're in a morgue. I'm a dead penis, blood blood cum blood. You're my dead penis. Uh-huh. Oh my god, so I woke up in this morgue. My penis must have died in an accident, but I'm still alive. Woke up in this morgue. Is that a song? It could be. Okay, I can communicate with you. Can you milk me? You are my dead penis. Oh, we better get you in some water. No, dead penis, it's okay. This is my best friend, a talking dolphin named Sharon B. Sharon, you're never gonna believe what happened to me.

Your penis died and now, and it also can talk and you're in a morgue. Fuck you, where are we?

Sharon, you just figured it out. We're in a morgue. We're obviously underwater because you're a dolphin. I'm dead and I have to do a hundred good deeds before my penis can come back to life.

I don't think you can do it. I'm out.

That's what my penis said. KJ, was that close? That was amazing. I felt bad for not including you, Erin.

No, I feel great.

KJ, you're crying. KJ, set Erin up with one. This is a scene that's gonna prominently feature Erin. Okay. Can I be in a scene? Yes!

Oh, I would love to be!

Okay.

Do you want to Babe Ruth it? Do you want to call your own shot? Or do you want us to do it? Oh my gosh.

Your prompt was set up, Erin, for a scene that Erin's probably featured. I know! What you said was, can I be in a scene which is the most Hey Riddle Riddle thing that can be said on this podcast?

Alright, I'm ready.

Okay.

Do you want to do the prompt or do you want them to do it?

I'll give you the prompt. You two are both helicopter pilots and it's a slow day and you don't have to do any helicopter pilot missions. So you're just kind of on the tarmac shooting the shit.

I'm so close to winning this game of Tetris.

You lose. Oh, thanks.

Oh, my heart.

Great. Same scene about your pilot pins. Pilot pins? What is that? Yeah.

It's a type of pen.

It's a brand of pen. It's a brand of pen. I have blood on me.

Oh my gosh. What happened?

He was really not careful.

With his stat... Is it pen blood? Is it ink? Is it your blood?

Or is it human? I'm a pen. I'm a pen.

So you're a pen, and so it's not ink. Like, our blood is ink, but you mean there's human blood on you?

There's human blood on me. I'm a- Are you a pen? I'm a pen.

Great, same scene, but now you're both pilot lights on an oven. Yum. Oh my god, this brownie. Great, same scene, but now you're both Pontius Pilate.

I'm in the Bible. You're in the Bible, too. And we're both in the Bible? Oh, I'm almost... I'm not gonna win this game of Pinterest.

Love it. Love it. Same scene, but now you're both piles of Cheez-its.

I feel a little salty today.

I feel like a little bendy. I feel like I've been out a while.

It feels like... You know what I will say about you, though? Yes. You're addictive?

Same scene, but now you're both named Steve Schitts.

This is gonna be a... Hell of a nightmare to put music to.

KJ, thank you so much for stopping by. Are you going to edit this episode? Sure.

Are you going to pay me for it?

Hey Dave, before you go, what has been a highlight for you in these first 50 episodes?

A moment, an episode... Also just to squash all rumors, we do pay you.

I mean once the rumors start, what has been like the high point?

Or like a moment that you enjoyed being here and it wasn't a waking nightmare.

I do enjoy being here. I often laugh so hard inside the booth that I feel like I'm messing you up. I feel like... Yeah, we can usually see your screen and you're watching Big Bang Theory. It's the best. No, it's not. Also, my favorite part of work is when my boss comes up to me and says, what's the best part about being here?

I thought maybe an episode that they liked.

Actually, I really enjoyed the Sherlock episode. That was really fun. I enjoyed the challenge of it.

Your editing of it was so cool. Thank you. The carriages and the rain and all that stuff.

It was fun to get into the world of. I also love whenever Arnie makes a theme one like, bleh, Riddle Riddle was really cool. And then Horny Parrot?

You're a big Horny Parrot fan? I'm a huge Horny Parrot fan. Just hanging outside the door. What did she say?

Huh? Someone say something? Horny! Hey!

It's Horny actually. Alright. Horny if you're nested. Alright. Sorry, I just heard my name and I thought I'd come in. Oh yeah. Were you way outside the door? I've been waiting this whole time.

Get to work on that song.

Also, we have one more thing to add to the song.

Erin, what did you say you wanted?

I want there to be a children's choir in the back at some point.

Nice simple ad, is that cool? Yeah, no, I have two minutes. I'm a bully! Okay, anything you want to see in the next 50 episodes?

Well, wait. I do want to answer your question. There's not time for that. Oh, right. Never mind. No! No, my favorite thing is just like the scenes. I think that they're lovely and they make me think about improv stuff.

And your angleizer, KJ? Yeah. Is there anything you want to plug? Any shows in the city that you're doing?

Oh my gosh. Yeah, I do a... I'll steal Erin's thing of like, you can check out my shows on Instagram.

Yeah. What's your handle?

KJSnerz. KJ Snares. S-N-E-R-S. Alright, I get nervous when I'm out of the booth for too long. I do.

And sorry, you were at a diner sitting in the booth, right?

I like to journal.

I'm gonna go bye.

Bye KJ, bye KJ.

Whoo, let's check the, uh, rittameter.

Oh, I think we've done close to 50.

It has to be close to 50. I will say that JP Riddles took the rittameter when he left. I think he thought it was a hot pocket episode. And so he ate most of it and I couldn't.

I heard JP Riddles would put just about anything in a hot pocket.

Yes, that is 100% true. I mean, that's what it seems. Ooh, boy. Did it just get cold in here?

I think so.

Yeah, it actually did drop a few degrees. Yeah. Feels like there might be a sleepy witch around here. Nope, it's just a ghost.

Hold on. I just killed that ghost. Hi spooky sleepy witch.

Spooky sleepy witch. Why are your eyes closed?

Why? Because you know what? I, I, my body, I need, I didn't take my B12 pills. Never? No, I never have taken them. Okay. And I keep falling asleep on the train and I keep missing my stop.

What train do you take? Drops of Jupiter?

Yeah, I take the midnight train to Georgia. I take the drops of Jupiter.

I love how agreeable you are, spooky sleepy witch.

Yeah, you know, I'm too tired to argue or to do bad improv. You have to do bad improv. What do you been up to?

You don't look great.

Well, I don't.

No, you sound awful and you don't look good. Really? I think that's what Adal mentioned.

Oh shit, I mean... I feel like I'm in a Snow White situation. I look beautiful when I'm napping, I'm like stunning. I'm like a Sleeping Beauty Snow White.

When you're napping, you're stunning. Yeah.

My lips look like roses and my cheeks also look like roses.

I would say it looks like you've been eating roses.

Are those bad for you? Wait, are those bad for you?

I put them on top of my avocado toast. Are you drinking ros?

I'm putting roses in my ros.

What are you, a basic witch?

I think I'm a basic witch. Isn't the Boston basic witch my superhero name?

You have to listen to our Patreon episodes to know that. Which are phenomenal.

I'm beautiful when I sleep.

I'm beautiful when I sleep. I'm beautiful when I sleep.

I'm beautiful when I sleep.

I'm beautiful when I sleep. I'm beautiful when I sleep.

I'm beautiful when I sleep.

I'm beautiful when I sleep.

I'm beautiful when I sleep. I'm beautiful when I sleep. I'm beautiful when I sleep.

I'm beautiful when I sleep. I'm beautiful when I sleep. I'm beautiful when I sleep. Oh, Julia, that was a cardboard cut out of Julia Roberts. It's from Erin Brockovich.

Oh yeah, she looks very hot in that movie.

She looks very good in that movie. Oh, Japes, we didn't rechecked him with you. How are you doing?

Oh, how are we feeling?

How are we doing?

Well, I will say, great news everyone. They caught my dad's killer. It was a police horse. Yeah, so dad's killer has been brought to justice.

Do you want to say something about a sister, brother, and an incest?

It was a police horse. The way that they actually caught him was the police horse was fucking their own brother and the brother snitched on the horse. So I got my dad's killer. Open and shut.

And I just need like a 10 second scene from Adal where you just do classic Adal improv.

Are we having pun yet? There is no fondue or fond don't. There is only... Try, try birdie, Mr. McAfee, Virus Scanner, Scanner Darkly, Dark Lee, Majors, Major League. Wow, thing! Ooh, look at the Charlie Sheen on that car. Ooh, is that a Honda? According to Jim, uh, Belushi, Belush, Batush, Batushi, Sushi. Hero loves sushi.

Okay, KJ.

Hero saves the day.

KJ, we got about 45 minutes of that, so just, you pick your favorite. 30 seconds to edit that in. We obviously don't need all of that, so whatever makes the cut.

I'd like to keep all of this, but you know what? I agree with your choice.

We have a limited time for the episode, so whatever makes the cut makes the cut. What are we keeping in Thompson and we keep all of that? Hey, all of that. You go kill yourself. Oh, no. Anyway. Where are we at, Riddle-wise? We must be almost effective.

Oh, I wrote it down. But I have a book covering it. So there's a zero. Let me just move this book to the left. Keep moving. The book keeps moving. That's just zero.

Oh, weird. That's weird.

What if instead of 50 riddles we did 40 days and 40 nights?

Okay, Erin, I'd like to see a scene. You're going to be Josh Hartnett. You're going to be Horny as all get up. And Adal, you're going to be the woman who was in that movie, whose name I should know, but I just know Josh Hartnett's name.

And do you think it's important to know the plot of this movie?

No. No, okay. Can I be Julia Stiles, but from Save the Less Dance? I'd love for you to be Julia Stiles from Save the Less Dance, and you might see Tobey Maguire pop into Spider-Man. We don't know. We don't know. We won't.

We won't. Oh man, I am Horny as all get out.

Where were you? That dance was last night.

You didn't save it for me?

I did, and you never showed up.

It was your last dance and you couldn't have held off?

The last dance is what I call my virginity, and I was saving it for you.

And then you just had sex with someone else last night? I have been waiting for you for forty days and forty nights.

I didn't have sex with somebody, I had sex with Toby McGuire from Spider-Man. And I green goblin that pussy up all night, baby.

He was gobbling it up.

Say that another way.

Okay, another Spider-Man, and I was getting up into those Dr. Octopuses.

Okay, that's pretty good. Now say something about a web.

Okay, I was shooting big webs. Now sing a spider verse.

Okay. Erin, is there anything you want to plug?

Oh God.

Yeah, listen to Hey Riddle Riddle. It's a podcast where we do riddles. Follow me, Erin Keif 10, on Instagram and I will plug my shows there.

Yeah, I mean, thank God that we have finished this 50 episode arc. The curse is lifted. We can finally stop doing this podcast. It is over.

And we turn back into humans.

We turn back into humans. I, of course, turn back into a horny police horse that wants to fuck my brother. I would love to plug, if you are looking for a book to read, you want to learn a little bit more about negotiation, the book Getting to Yes by Roger Fisher and William Uri. It is a great read. I highly encourage people who, you should negotiate everything. I negotiated the price of a car, you can negotiate the price of groceries, you know, go for it, live your life, never pay full price. Knock, knock, knock. Sorry. I read that book. It's a really good book. It's a good read. KG, there's no door. Sorry. I feel like KJ thinks there's a door and that's all that matters.

Somebody got on my dick earlier this episode about bad improv and they got all up on my dick about it and here we are with the no door joke.

Adal do you have anything?

Adal, do you have anything that you would like to plug? I would like to plug the Hey Riddle Riddle Patreon. If you want to join the Clue Crew, which you do, you want to check out our Patreon. It's at patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle. It's $5 a month. For that, you get new episodes every single Friday. You get our entire back catalog of Patreon exclusives. We've been releasing our D&D arc, which was such, such a fun time. So please check that out. Please donate. We would love to have you in the Clue Crew. And we're also going to have some Patreon-exclusive merch. So you're going to want to pick that up.

I also think that a lot of our recent Patreon episodes are some of my favorite episodes we've ever done. Some that are either coming out soon or that we are the recent ones. We were laughing very hard recording those recently.

What are we going to do for our hundredth episode?

Probably do 50 scenes instead of riddles.

We'll do 50 scenes instead of riddles. But I did want to say that in all fairness, people love the show because they love the riddles. I did want to give them a chance to answer, for us to answer one riddle before we go. Oh wait, what?

Did you see that? What's that? Dot's getting closer. It's getting, whoa. That's getting closer and closer.

Is it JP Riddles?

No, no, no. It's Jupiter. Get on the mic, Jupiter. Jupiter, get on the mic.

Hi, I'm Jupiter.

You're the planet Jupiter? You're the planet Jupiter?

Yeah, you keep mentioning it to me at the end of every episode, and I was like, my ears are burning. I was waiting right outside the door with Hardy Parrot.

Oh, okay. Well, by waiting outside the door, you've basically demolished Earth, because you're very much larger than Earth.

And by establishing the door, we also owe an apology to KJ, who's been knocking every time. So, uh... So, thanks for swinging. All right, well, but you just mentioned me at the end.

No one knows why I'm here.

No one knows. And the people at home don't get the joke.

Yeah, bye forever.

Okay, I'll go back to space.

Yeah, gaseous ass bitch. I'm JPC, welcome to Chili's.

This has been Hey Riddle Riddle, created by Adal Rifai, starring Erin Keif and John Patrick Coan. That was a hate gun podcast.