Which Riddle Riddle?

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The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Oh, then we're going to finish. He was the captain of an airplane. He stabbed him with the knife, and the horse was seen riding.

No poop, all Poirot, it's Hey Riddle Riddle. Erin just made a gross face.

I didn't do anything.

I would like to ask a question immediately.

What's Poirot? Poirot is the detective in... He's a famous French... What the fuck, Erin?

He's a French mime who solves mysteries on trains.

Wait, is this common knowledge? Do I not know about a famous French mind?

It's the detective in most of Agatha Christie's novels.

Kenneth Branagh played him recently in... Too Terrible Effect.

Was that Murder on the Orient Express?

I saw that on my birthday a couple years ago.

Oh, really? I also didn't see it. It looked like it had a star-studded cast of fucking fuckwass.

Leslie Odom Jr. and the rest.

I believe in a Hamilton.

Was that the darkness? Sure. The darkness singing Hamilton.

Olivia Colman was in it.

I believe in a Hamilton.

Wasn't there someone problematic in it? Johnny Depp maybe? Johnny Depp.

Yeah, okay, that's why I didn't see it.

He's the one they killed though.

Oh, good. Ooh, that works out. Oh, that's good. But Poirot, yeah, so I thought to do, just to mix it up from no shit all Sherlock, I thought to maybe do no crap all Christie, or no crap all Clouseau.

Okay, okay.

Which is like something fun to mix it up, but I was met with Erin shuttering with just being openly a gas.

I was just scared that we're gonna have to do French accents.

And I didn't know who Poirot was, and I learned something today, and guess what? Any day where I can learn something is a great day for me.

The two most famous mimes, Marcel Marceau and Marcel the Monkey from Friends.

I would say the fat, ugly, naked guy is my favorite dog from Friends.

Yeah, quiet, quiet, physical comedy for years.

And I'm JPC.

And I'm Erin Keif, sorry. I think everyone's doing great. My face is not telling the truth, which is I'm happy to be here.

Hi Riddle.

No, no, no, no, no.

Thank you. By the way, that was the most lyrics to a song Erin's ever sang. Usually what Erin sings is like... Yeah, it's usually... Yeah.

All you need is the vowels of the song.

Trumpet sounds. That's true.

Who's our old...

Mime Riddles.

Okay, Erin's miming. She's trapped in a box. She's suffocating. Erin is dead. The top of the box is kind of at an angle. It's a true box.

My arms aren't strong enough. It's more of a trapezoid. Is everyone okay? Is everyone having a good day before we get into some old days?

No! Can I tell you, quite honestly, I'm having a wonderful day. It's just been a great day. It's been very relaxing. It's been like a perfect Sunday. I haven't had a Sunday this great in a long time.

Well, don't be fucking braggadocious because they never wrote a movie called It's a Wonderful Day, did they? Because shit changes. So get back to me in 363, my man. They never wrote that movie? No. Did something go horribly awry?

I have to go back!

Oh, he went back in his chair. He fell out of his chair. Now he's trapped in a box. He just did those dead arms that got either side of it. Vampire arms.

And fell back in his chair.

Wait, JPC, who's Frank Capra? What year is it? Mad TV, Best Room of Thousand Voices.

Then there's still time. Is that what you said?

What year is it? 2019, something's going wrong. Then there's still time.

Adal, are you having a good day?

I am having a good day. I've had a good couple days. It was my birthday June 1st. I had a great time. It was yesterday. We just gave away when we record. But I had a wonderful birthday. I had a wonderful time. But I did just move. So that's always stressful to be like, I own so much stuff. But I hired movers, which is great to see other people lug around. Because I've said before, and I'm not being hyperbolic, I have about 1,500 books.

Can't take it with you, my man.

Well I did to my new place, but I had like 45 small boxes full of books and they're all like 80 pounds so I was so happy to see other people ruin their backs for money.

I gotta ask you, so when you move, do you like get rid of things or do you take everything that you have and bring it with you?

I'm like an Egyptian pharaoh. I put everything in my bag. It's my sarcophagi.

I love my cats.

I'm a bit of a sarcophagi. I got rid of a ton of clothes. I just have a lot of excess clothes and stuff.

I got rid of a ton of that.

I don't know if you'll ever see that I'll wear one flannel. I actually have multiple of several flannels.

It's a shirt that's painted on him.

That's my tattoo, my man. But yeah, I got rid of a lot of kitchen appliances, a lot of stuff that I just don't use, but I still just have way too much stuff.

I'm moving very soon and I'm like I throw away like everything or give away things if they're worth everything. You throw away everything? I throw away everything. It's a problem.

And you're famously always at my place asking for something.

I'm just shivering naked and cold outside the studio.

Can I borrow some sugar and an oven and bowls and a plate and something to cook?

But I just decluttered some stuff and figured out which board games I've given away and which ones I'm keeping.

I just did the same thing.

I'm very excited. Whenever I move, I'm very excited to figure out what I haven't touched in a year and get rid of it.

And that would be your girlfriend, right? And yourself? Yeah. And you've been dating for 10 months? The calendar year. The calendar year. Oh, I love that movie, Judy Dench Naked? I can't remember who's in that movie. Wait, there's a movie? I have to go back.

Josh Cadd, Kenneth Branagh, Johnny Depp, Olivia Colman.

The, it's, she's a dame. Judy Dench?

Helen Mirren.

Helen Mirren.

My favorite dame. And just a fox. Aaron Cole. Speaking of my favorite dames, how was your day, Ben? How's your dame? Good. You had a good dame?

I had a really good day. Oh no, you know what I did do though? I went down a rabbit hole.

You went down on a rabbit?

I went down on a rabbit.

Is that why your arms are so covered in dirt?

Did you get good luck? Yeah, I guess so. But we're not in love, so it's super awkward out there.

You have carrot all over your face.

I know I do! I know! It's a choice I made for myself.

Wait, if you have carrot all over your face, you may have gone down on a snowman, not a rabbit. What do you think the carrot goes on a snowman?

I'll show you where the carrot goes. Carrot, two pieces of coal, dick and balls. I think you're the human who knows. Is this the show now?

We haven't even talked about Riddles.

I'm so sorry.

Riddles sucks. Erin, what rabbit hole did you go down? I have to know. I'll never fucking be able to pass it.

YouTube videos that make you cry. I watch videos of people telling their step-parents that they want to be adopted by them. Oh shit. Yes. And then I watch videos of people telling their kids that they're going to be big brothers and sisters.

They're going to be a big brother?

Yeah, they're gonna be on that CGS's Big Brother.

I don't want to have a show man. Let me guess, did you watch any videos of people coming home from war and having their dogs greet them?

Yes.

If I want to cry, my go-to is ocular implants.

Oh, and they're hearing their parents voice for the first time. I didn't do that today. I did do, for the first time, first looks at weddings when people see their spouse for the first time, and they all cry. And I just, like, will cry with them. It's just fun to smile with them.

It's not really for the first time. Did you check to see the divorce rate on those samples? I would hope it's not. It's all a race.

I did think of that after. I was like, oh, like 60% of people get divorced, right?

60%? Is that the statistic now? I don't know, let me ask.

We're all products of divorce except for Erin, right? Yes. So I could have just said J.P.C.

and I. My parents were married when they had me. Ooh! Mine were not. Famously. Famously.

I will say, just because we talked about it briefly a moment ago, folks, as you get older, it's all about life experiences. Don't buy stuff. Don't ask for stuff. Go out for a nice meal, travel, go down on your wives, and your rabbits. Unburden yourselves, man. This has been Hey Selfie Help Help.

Hey Selfie Help Help. Erin, you're old man puzzles this week. I'm ready.

I'm so sorry. That took so long.

You know what? That needed to be done because honestly if we didn't get to it now, it would have just come out during the show.

I have some warm-up riddles from Ashley, who says, maybe these are jokes? I don't know. I'll let you be the judge. Ooh, is this Riddle Court? Yeah, we're gonna have to go, I'm sure. This is a sport where you spell the sport's name backwards and change one letter, and you get one of the pieces of equipment used in the sport. What is it, and what is the equipment?

Spelling bee, and you get an e-bus with me.

The sport backwards and change one letter is a piece of equipment used in the sport.

This is a sport where you spell the sport's name backwards and change one letter.

James, did you know that hockey backwards is hockey stick? I know this, I know the answer. Wait, hold on.

So before you give the answer then, I want to see a scene where Adal, you are the proctor or whatever it is at a spelling bee. And JPC is favored to win and you're giving him the word that will determine whether or not he wins the spelling bee.

Okay, for the final round, Mikey Evergreen, your word is procrastination.

Before I begin, I would just like to say that a lot of people didn't think a little boy could beat a computer at spelling. And I know the computer just got out on horniness because... Some words are not in the dictionary.

And that's where we went wrong. We tempted fate and we were burned.

And now Mikey, little Mikey, is going to be the big champion and is going to settle this once and for all. Can I please have the word used in a sentence?

Okay. By giving the spiel you just did, you might be accused of procrastination. I just want to say that.

I want to thank my mom and my dad for raising me right. Didn't they die? Yes, famously. Oh, they were killed by the celebrity? No, they were a body of Clyde.

Famous... Famous Bonnie and Clyde Evergreen. The word is procrastination from the Latin to put off. Okay, procrastination.

What is the answer to the riddle I've given you? Do you need more time?

The answer to the riddle is soccer and erosco. It's off the classic sports equipment for soccer and erosco.

Give me a hand. No, I obviously never know the answer to these. So let's toss out some famous sports. The answer to this riddle is polo and the word is flop because everyone knows you use a flop to play polo. You know Chevy Chase great at polo.

I thought he really had the answer but he doesn't. Horseshoes Yeah, do the thing where you're naming sports.

Okay, football and basketball, baseball. Those are all out because... Nope. Too many. Really?

No, no, I'm saying you're right.

Yeah.

Soccer, track. Is this an Olympic sport?

No. Bowling. I don't think so.

It's not an Olympic sport.

If it is, I'm an idiot, but I really don't think it is.

Do you play it in the water?

No.

Do you play it on the table?

You've done it wrong if you're in the water.

Ooh. I'll see your bet and raise you. What can you do playing teams? Is it not polo?

You can't really play on teams. It's an individual sport.

You can't play on teams. Archery. It's an individual sport.

I'd say so.

Is it Birkenau? Is it Birkenau? Is it Birkenau? Is it Birkenau backwards penis?

That's in the Olympics.

Erin, be honest with me. Is it Birkenau?

Hey Riddle.

I want to see a scene. Erin and JPC, you are two parents. Erin, earlier you actually walked in on your son masturbating. He's fast asleep now, and the two of you are having a drink downstairs trying to cope with all this, but neither of you can actually say the word jerking off from masturbation. Hey. Oh, and you know each other. You've seen each other before the wedding.

Here, do you want another whiskey?

Yeah, maybe make it a double. You know, it's totally normal to...

Oh, yeah, I mean little boys are gonna touch their Shependakans and they're going to Metafraid.

Yeah, like no one should be embarrassed to... Everybody!

Everybody! We all do it. We all. We all.

Shit.

Shit.

God. Shit.

God. Everyone does. Okay. It's nothing to be.

You gotta keep it down. The neighbors are going to think that you're masturbating right now.

I what? Oh no. I what?

Say it. Is it darts?

No.

Is it pool?

No.

What are some solo sports? Solo sports. Lightsabers? Hang gliding.

And there's like a joke version of this sport.

Oh, funny basketball. Is it smoking a big cigar? Yeah, see?

It's smoking a cigar.

There's a funny version of this sport. I mean, I'm going to offend someone. I find this sport to be very boring to participate in and watch in person or on TV.

Somebody just threw down their jacks and was like, what the fuck is she talking about?

But the joke version, I'll do on any date.

On any date?

Yeah, I'll go on a date in the summer.

Funny sex?

Do a joke.

Beach volleyball? No! Do a joke. Individual! Is this specific to a season?

You can't play in the winter.

You can't play it outside. You only need one person to play this?

I guess so, yeah.

Surfing?

Yeah, I think more than one person does it. You have to be against people.

You have to be against people. You have to be against people? I hadn't seen.

It's also a sport I don't know anything about.

Oh boy. Fuck, just the answer. I'll take these.

No, I just can't believe you're... This is like a major sport.

This is a major sport, but it's not the Olympics.

You do not have to be in shape to play this sport.

Baseball. Bowling.

No.

It's not baseball. You don't have to be in shape to play this sport.

You don't play it in a bar?

No, but I will tell you, people talk business while they're playing this.

Golf. Squash.

Golf.

Golf. And you change one letter and it's, oh my god, it's club. Nope. No, it's not. Golf backwards is flog. Flog. And you gotta have clogs. You change one letter.

Clog, blog? Nope. Flog? Uh, frogs. You gotta have frogs.

No, just change the vowel.

Flag.

Yep.

Ugh, you knew the flag. Oh yes, yeah, the flags go in the holes. Yeah, sure. You think golf is a boring sport?

Yeah, do you like golf?

I hate golf. Um, I don't think golf is a boring sport, but I've said I've never ever been more enthralled by watching a sport than watching Tiger Woods cheat on his wife so many times. That man has endurance. He has damage. Have I ever told you my Tiger Woods story? No. So you remember, I don't even remember what year it was when the whole Tiger Woods thing broke that he had been like having affairs all over the place. 2005 or something. My grandma suffered, this is a bit sad, but she is still alive. My grandma suffered a massive heart attack and had sepsis. That's your Tiger Woods story? It's the same year? So she had sepsis, she went in for an operation, which is like blood poisoned and had a massive heart attack. She was expected to die. All of my family like came into the hospital. She's on life support. They said her heart was beating like 5%. She is like, all intents and purposes is we're all saying goodbye to grandma. Makes a miraculous recovery. The doctors are like, we can't explain why she is coming back to life, we can't explain why her heart, we thought, she was like in her 80s or late 70s, there's no reason why her heart would be strong enough to just make a comeback. And she came back and she was on life support for like four days in the ICU and they took the breathing tube out and you know you're you can't really talk when the breathing tube comes out because it's been there for four days and your throat is all dry and so she's like over the course of a couple days she's like starting to talk And the first thing that she asks my mom, who was sitting by her bed listening to her, was, did Tiger Woods have an affair? And we're like, what? It took us so long to be able to decipher what she was saying.

She was just speaking gibberish. She couldn't hear the news.

She asked us, no, did Tiger Woods have an affair? And we're like, what? No. Did Tiger Woods have an affair? It's an affair, like four months later the news breaks. Tiger Woods has an affair and it's like everywhere.

Are you joking?

How did she know that? I don't know. Did you ever ask her? She doesn't remember. She remembered no part of them.

Holy shit.

Why haven't I heard this story before? The only thing that I can think that is true is that my grandma died, crossed over to the other side. God was like, what's one thing you want to know? God's like, it's like a new person's coming in. God's like, oh, actually, come here. Look at this. That's Tiger Woods. He fucking ran. That's Tiger Woods. Then my grandma's like, what? That's Tiger Woods? And God's like, I know shit. Oh, Sue Stewart? You shouldn't be here. Get the fuck out of here. Somebody get her out of here. And then they ushered her off. They put her back in her body. And then she came up and she's like, is Tiger Woods having an affair?

What's your grandma's name? Sue Stewart.

I thought you said Sue Storm. Sue Storm. Oh fuck, this is a comic book I'm thinking you're fantastic for.

Wait, that is absolutely crazy.

Isn't that bonkers?

That should be the first story you tell people when you meet them.

The craziest part about this story is I cannot remember if I'm making it all up. That's for sure for real. Now, I don't remember, my mom would probably know better what the timeline was, but it was well before the story broke of Tiger Woods having affairs. My other thing was that since Tiger Woods, he had been having affairs for a long time. I love how much we're talking about Tiger Woods having affairs. My other thing that I think could have happened is that my grandma in her 70s had had an affair with Tiger I love that she wasn't worried about you or the trauma that she had just been through or anything

Here's what I'll say. Is this your dad's mom? This is my mom's mom. I was going to say, your dad does look like Darius Rucker. So if we follow that backwards. Oh boy, I'm really glad.

Your grandpa is Tiger Woods.

Second riddle of the episode.

Shit.

What do you get when you cross a Schnauzer, a Cocker Spaniel, and a Poodle?

Dead Dog. You should not play God. They're all fighting for sex. Twelve legs. A Cocker Spaniel. What was it? A Shih Tzu?

A Schnauzer.

A Schnauzer?

This is a joke.

Okay. Riddle three.

Schnauzer. Cocker Spaniel and a Poodle.

A Schnock-a-Doodle-Doo.

Oh, close.

A Cock-a-Doodle-Doo. Schnock-a-Spaniel.

A Cock-a-Poodle-Doo.

Is it schnuck my conk? Is it schnuck my fucker conk?

All your guesses sound like the masturbating sounds of a changing party.

I kind of sound schnuck-a-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo.

I mean, if I'm close and it's a joke, let's just move on.

What was the closest one I said?

Cock-a-snoodle-doo.

It's cock-a-snoodle-doo.

Cock-a-snoodle-doo.

I wrote this at age 12, I think, says Ashley.

Wow, Ashley. And Ashley can't tell if those are jokes. Ashley, I'll go ahead and say it right now. Those are jokes. Those are 100% jokes.

I want my alarm to wake up in the morning now to be all your guesses in this ad.

God, that's so funny. You're going to change that out from, welcome to noon.

A lot of people tweeted us because they wanted you to say, welcome to June.

Here we go, let's clean take, clean take. JBC at clean take, clean take.

Ready?

Here we go. Three, two, clean take whatever you like. You got it?

I will never stop falling for this.

Welcome to Spoon. They should play before all Spoon comes in.

Do you know the Leslie Ugham's video of her messing up the words to that song in front of a huge crowd? To what song? June is busting out all over.

Who's Leslie Ugham?

I think she's a singer?

Wait for it. I'm the one thing in life you can't do. Oh, she's on SNL.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's cool. But it is the funniest thing I've ever seen. We'll maybe post it on Twitter or something the day that this comes out. Hey. She does what I do with songs, which is just make up the lyrics.

Oh, that's fun.

She goes, June is busting out all over, all over the meadows and the hill and the sniffing and the fussing and the sniffing.

But is it her song? She chose not to... She chose to sing it.

Yeah. She chose to sing it. She's in front of the crowd. She's like in an outfit. She dressed up. She's ready to go. Didn't somebody...

Didn't somebody famously have like a like was singing the Star Spangled Banner and was just like oh yeah was like oh shit I forgot the words and just was like let me ask you this question though would you go to a concert where the premise was okay it's a I'm gonna I'm gonna do Maroon 5.

Do you guys like Maroon 5?

No. Would it be like rushing to let karaoke?

No, no. I would pay for that. Would you go to a Maroon 5 concert if guaranteed they were going to play all their hits, but they weren't going to sing the lyrics to them right at all?

100%. 100%.

I would pay so much money for that. For the story alone. I would go to that concert, because I don't like Maroon 5 either, but I would just be like, and she hears her blood, and she hears some gloves. Tacos for sale, but she don't wanna eat no Grammy. I would love that, okay.

Unreal. Please, go watch that right now if you really want to laugh.

Can we do any fucking riddles this episode?

I'm trying! I blame Ashley. Alright, this is another riddle from Megan. Who's Megan? Who's Megan? Megan's great. I loved this email. This is a great email.

We jumped listeners midstream.

We were on Ashley. And then I said, thank you, Ashley. Thank you, Ashley.

Thank you, Ashley.

We appreciate you. Now we're on to Megan.

Oh, I love Megan.

And Megan loves all of us. I want to see you sing.

Erin, you have been tasked with, what's, oh boy, can't remember the fucking name. Oh I'll help you Adal. The Pledge of Allegiance. So you've been tasked, you're a substitute teacher. You forgot that in, is this still a thing in school so you do Pledge of Allegiance?

I think so.

Yeah, we're all in school. We're all young. So you've been, you're a substitute teacher, you forgot that when you're a teacher you do have to lead the Pledge of Allegiance. So JPC and I are your students and you have forgotten all the lyrics. Words aren't right. Words. Just words. And you have to make do.

Okay, so I figured we would just put on a movie and hang out.

We start every day with the Pledge of Allegiance. Yeah, it's morning announcements and then Pledge of Allegiance. We call it the POA.

Isn't that a little like spooky, a little like 1984, like you're just like pledging the allegiance?

1984. No, nationalism is stronger now than ever.

Is it?

Oh yeah, ever since the national.

I mean, yeah, everyone knows the Pledge of Allegiance. Like, we don't have to prove to each other that we know the Pledge of Allegiance. Like, let's just move on.

Actually, a lot of nationalists are winning Sway in Europe. Do you mean Sway the MTV VJ? Yeah, we're young.

We're young.

Um, yeah, so like I think we need to move on.

It's time for the Pledge of Allegiance. You have to lead us.

Okay. Let's see that thing where we talk at once.

Ready? Okay. Hands on our hearts.

I'm going to put my hands right here.

Ready? You're putting a, you're making a teapot.

Am I? Uh, and ready? Let's do this. I'm a little teapot, short and stout. Here is my handle.

Here is my spout. Mrs. Thrustbottom.

When I get all steamed up, then that's not my name. Tip! We should call people what we think they should be called.

Also, that's the name that's written on the butt of your sweatpants.

Is it?

Yeah, it says Juicy and then Mrs. Thrust Bottom. It says Mrs. Thrust Bottom, but we can see that you're clearly wearing a wedding ring.

And that was the Pledge of Allegiance! Alright, this is a riddle. Are you ready? Meghan. Meghan, maybe, but I think it's Meghan.

Oh, I hope it's Meghan.

And she says hi, and she loves us, and this is the riddle.

Susie... We love you.

I guess just I do.

I don't. If I did, I'd fucking tell you, Megan.

She said, I guarantee this won't be the worst riddle you've ever read on the show. Take that, Nathan. Leave it. Levi. Levi.

Well, if she said Levi, then it's definitely good.

Levy. Levy. The Riddle.

Okay.

Susie went camping with her friends in California. It was a remote location and quite dark, but there was just enough starlight to see at least a few feet in front of her. After eating some snacks and drinking some wine, Susie settled into her sleeping bag for the night. After a few minutes, she could hear her friend Kevin getting into his sleeping bag next to her.

Oh, sorry. Sorry, Erin.

This is a short story.

Oh yeah, but it's lovely, so settle in.

I hope it ends with these two kids fucking.

He was quite close, but with alarm, Susie realized she could not see him. She panicked, thinking that she had suddenly gone blind. What happened?

So she drinks some wine and ate some snacks. She's a kid camping in LA. Is that what's wrong with the story? So wait. It's a story with home. So you can only see a few feet in front of her. Were the feet human feet?

Yeah. I don't know what that means. Yes.

They were human feet? Wait, she could see a few human feet?

She settled her sleeping bag for the night. For a few minutes, she could hear her friend Kevin getting into his sleeping bag next to hers. He was quite close, but with alarm, Susie realized she could not see him. She panicked, thinking she had suddenly gone blind. What happened?

He was under the ground.

He's under the earth.

He's a night sleeper. He's a ground sleeper. He's ground sleeper. He's digging holes inside. Like Lord of the Rings.

Erin, would any normal person be able to see Kevin from their sleeping bag?

Yes.

Okay. Were they sleeping in a tent or were they sleeping outside?

That's a good question. No, they were sleeping under the stars.

Under the stars. But it's in LA, stars and celebrities. Yes.

Yeah, they were sleeping under a bunch of celebrities.

Hey, do you guys want to go sleep under Sarah Jessica Parker? So I'm still confused. So she went to get snacks and drinks. She's in LA in a remote location in California, not LA, California.

So she's in California, she's camping under the stars.

And when you said she could only see a few feet in front of her, I asked if that was human feet and you said yes.

Yeah, I don't remember when I said that she could see a few feet in front of her.

Oh, so maybe Adal's wrong. Did you make that up?

I didn't say that.

Oh yeah, she does. Okay.

But there was just enough starlight to see a few feet in front of her.

I thought maybe that was like the wording that we were supposed to latch on to.

It's not a wording thing.

Okay. So it's measurement feet. She can see a few feet in front of her. Her friend Kevin goes into a sleeping bag. Think of stories with holes.

This is a story with holes. This feels like a listener written story with holes.

Her friend goes into a sleeping bag. He's a few feet away, but she can't see him. She thought she went blind.

Does it have anything to do with the stars going away?

Oh, were her eyes closed? No, and her eyesight was fine. You know what I first thought? You said this was going to be that she couldn't see him for who he was.

That's not it. Did he get eaten by a bear?

Yeah, he got eaten by a bear.

You got it now. Is he alive?

He's alive.

Okay. Was there something bright that happened? Like a very bright flash or something?

No, that's a good guess. Not close to what it is, but that would also be a good answer, I think. This is a hilarious, ridiculous answer.

In what direction should we start to mentally navigate? Uh, I'm gonna read... Is it a tangible thing? Is it like he's behind like a palm fron or something?

Give me it one more time and I love the word palm fron. Palm fron.

I'm gonna name my first two kids palm and fron.

My favorite LaCroix is palm fron. I want palm fron.

Susie went camping with her friends in California. It was a remote location and quite dark, but there was just enough starlight to see a few feet in front of her. After eating some snacks and drinking some wine... Eclipse. After eating some snacks and drinking some wine, Susie settled into her sleeping bag for the night.

The snacks she ate were like some sort of Harry Potter shit that made her eyes go dark.

You're closest with that.

Did she get drunk?

She got drunk, but that's not really the issue.

Is it the snacks or the wine?

That's not, is the snacks the issue?

It's the snacks.

It's the snacks. She ate, she couldn't see.

Was it a specific type of snack that makes this?

Yes. Snacks that make you go blind? It's a specific ingredient.

Oh, reverse carrots? Did she eat, like, does she have an allergy and it made her eyes swell up?

That would be such a good answer, but that's not the true answer. I'll tell you what the beginning of this email is. Unfortunately, I have a terrible imagination, so I'm submitting this riddle inspired by real life events.

Was the snacks that she ate poop? Did she get mad she could only see red?

No, so they had an ingredient in them that made her maybe do something she wouldn't ordinarily do.

Get horny? A snack that makes you horny? You've never had horn nuts? Horn nuts?

I would like to see a commercial, Adal, about a snack that makes you horny. And dealer's choice for whatever the snack is.

Hey Thomas. Yes? Can we trade items in our lunch bag? My mom packed me fruit roll-ups.

Oh well my dad packed me this pudding.

Oh shit! Is that fuck pudding?

Uh, oh god, it is. Why would my parents back me fuck pudding?

I heard that if you put your dick in fuck pudding, you get horny as hell. But it has to be limp. What?

Why on earth would my parents give this to me? To send me off to school?

Fuck pudding? What are they trying to tell me? I don't know. And I don't know why I said fruit roll-ups because that's our competitor.

Fuck pudding. Put your limp dick in.

I love that in that commercial they cussed, they named a competing brand.

They're advertising to us. I was also a child with a voice like this. Adal, you are the head of an ad agency and JPC is the one who did this major fuck up.

Okay, and that's the commercial. What do you think? Thoughts? Initial thoughts? I think it's fucking brilliant.

Thank you. Alright? Thank you. But I think it's brilliant in sort of a breaking the waves style.

Yes.

Does that make sense? Yes. It's like funny games. You ever see funny games?

Sure, yeah.

Yeah, it's like that.

It's ahead of its time, alright?

What year is it?

What's that? What year is it? Oh, I had so many cocaine snacks before this that I can't even see you right now.

Fuck pudding. Put your limp dick in.

Wait, that was the commercial?

And that's the commercial. What do you think? I think it's pretty good. I love a commercial that's so meta. It's a meeting about the commercial. Advertisers, we are ready to work for you.

Fuck pudding. Put your lipstick in. That was the commercial. It's talking about how meta it is.

SNL doing game show parodies, single-handedly keeping the concept of game shows alive in pop culture.

I feel like Keenan Thompson has played a game show host more than Pat Sajak's hosted. So real quick. There's an ingredient in her snacks. Did it make you go blind?

No, but it makes you not yourself.

Well, here's what I was going to say, not to do with this riddle. Real quick, based on us making a commercial for food, the three of us, let's say right now, what do we want? Do we want to write a TV show? Do we want a riddle book deal?

What's our dream for the three of us?

Let's put it out there.

I would like a TV show where we solve riddles.

I would like a podcast where we don't have to do riddles. If only we could get out of our contract. Adal says that he wants to do a TV show where we don't do riddles. That's it. We settle on that. It's NCIS.

If you ever want the three of us to go insane, make us write a riddle book together.

I would love it if we did a show together where it was literally just like an NCIS clone, but with all of us.

Exact same structure. All the same episode titles and plot points. All the same guest actors.

Erin, I do not know. I do not know a snack that you would eat. Is it sugary?

No, it has one ingredient that makes you... Did it make you go blind? No, it doesn't make you go blind, it makes you a little dumber.

Oh, mushrooms? A little slower. Is it? Oh.

Closer.

Like a weed brownie?

Yes! One of the snacks Susie had eaten were muffins with marijuana baked into them. She was incredibly high and realized after a few moments that the reason she could not see Kevin was that her sleeping bag was pulled over her face.

That's fucking atrocious.

I was gonna say, I was gonna say legit that she got drunk and went into her sleeping bag like upside down or something like that. So that was, I was going to be kind of close.

JPC, you're at a sleepover, it's like a bunch of young boys and we're all camping in the backyard and you crawled into your sleeping bag the wrong way but you're trying to save face like you did it on purpose because you don't want to get teased by us.

Alright guys, everybody have a good night. Good night! It was fun doing... You too, Tommy. Yeah, it was fun doing campfire with everybody. It was what? Fun doing campfire with everybody. It was fun doing a campfire?

Yep. See you in the morning, Tommy.

Alright, see you in the morning. Okay.

How's everything going over there? Did you crawl into your sleeping bag? You look like a moth in a cocoon.

Um, no. You look like a butterfly in a chrysalis.

This is the new REI feet hydro cooling sleeping bag. Michael Stipe sleeps like that? Yeah, it keeps your feet cool.

You're yelling through a little hole at the bottom of your sleeping bag. That's why your voice isn't muffled.

Yeah, you can use this hole if you need to drink water during the night.

You're gonna suffocate Tommy.

Actually, are you two frickin' poor to understand what this is? It's a pinnacle of technology. But you have the same sleeping bag as I do.

Jeff's parents got divorced. What? Yeah. But they have that YouTube video where they saw each other for the first time.

Yeah, I went downhill from there. 60% of YouTube videos ended divorced.

Did he marry his dog that he came home to after he did a tour?

You don't marry a dog. Why go out for steak when you got hamburgers at home? You eat hamburgers at home, you're poor. Tommy! Alright, while we ponder the idea of eating hamburgers at home and being poor, why don't we take a little break and we will be right back.

Hey, Japes and Erin, do you wear clothes that don't fit? Yes, almost exclusively. I got these clothes from a little boy.

I got these clothes from JPC.

Are you listening to a podcast you hate? Currently, right now, yes. Or doing a podcast you hate? No, I love this podcast. Okay, well what I'm gleaning from these answers is that you've taken control of the rest of your life, now it's time to take control of your sleep.

I don't know that I've taken control of my life. My shoes, you'll notice, are wet manicotti noodles.

Ooh! Mine are those things you wear in the water.

Pool noodles.

Moccasins?

Port noodles. Well, if you want to dream of wearing porn noodles, what you want to do is get yourself a helix sleep mattress.

Now why would I want to do a thing like that?

One, because I'm telling you so.

Okay.

And two, because it's the best night's sleep you ever gonna get.

But Adal, okay, bear with me. I'm a hot sleeper, which means I like to sleep covered in hot peppers.

And I'm a side sleeper, which means I like to sleep covered in hot peppers.

And I'm a side sleeper because I have a side piece. Uh, Adal just motioned to his gun like James Bond.

Also, I don't know this, but do you guys prefer a plush or a firm bed?

Firm bed. Um, firm.

And for couples, Helix can even split the mattress I can't talk anymore.

That's okay.

Down the middle providing individual support needs and field preferences for each side.

You getting sleepy yet? I am getting sleepy and I have to say I just read on a blimp that Helix Sleep is offering $125 off of all of their mattress orders. All you have to do to get that $125 off is go to helixsleep.com slash riddle. That's helixsleep.com slash riddle R-I-D-D-L-E for up to $125 off your

And I don't know why you wouldn't do that because they have a 10 year warranty and you get to try it out for 100 nights free.

Helixsleep.com slash riddle. I'm taking off my manicotti shoes.

I am eating some noodles. Helixsleep.com slash riddle. Helixsleep.com slash riddle.

Hey Erin, you know who my favorite Muppet is? Who? Go over.

The Swedish Shurf. Veenie Vernie.

That one. No, not Janet Varney, the Swedish chef. Oh, Janet Varney. Yeah, no, she's not, I don't, well, she might be Nordic. But what I'm saying is I love cooking. Oh, cooking. I love cooking, which is why, vis-a-vis, I love hello

I love cooking, but I really don't have the time to do it that often because I really don't have the time to shop for ingredients.

Well, you're going to have to find time. And that's going to be easy with HelloFresh because they send you prepackaged ingredients. It's my favorite thing about watching cooking shows is they always have these little ramekins filled with the portions already and you just dump it in. That's what HelloFresh does. They send you packaging. You have everything you need. There's no surplus. You're not missing anything. You dump it in. You feel like you're on the chew, right? And you're cooking up a storm.

I just have to say I love the word ramekin and this is not part of the ad but I do want to tell both of you that earlier today I saw a squirrel eating out of a ramekin and it was kind of adorable. And you know usually that's just rat. That's just a rat.

So anyways, what if, so it's like only taking 30 minutes, but is the cleanup time a lot?

Not at all. The cleanup time is bare minimum.

Erin, you use less than two pots and pans per recipe. So if you're like me, you're not eating out of a plate, you're eating with a hand, no utensils. So you're basically saving time and money by never having to clean up.

What if you're a vegetarian or you have kids?

They've got a plan for that. They have a family plan. They have a veggie plan. They even have a plan for families of veggies, like veggie tails. Yeah. So if you're a Christian family of vegetables, you could get hella fresh as well.

And in that instance, they'll send you a package where they don't include anything that you are. So if you're a carrot, they won't send you carrots because that's madness. But they also have a classic plan, which is what I've received in the past. And I absolutely go bunkers for this food. Yeah. You're just a fan of the classics. You know why it's called Hello Fresh? Why? It's because it's fresh as H. And also, when you eat it, it's like you're waking up. It's like you're waking up your tongue and you're saying, hello, good morning, world. Good morning, flavor, right? It's like you're, who's the guy that looks like Smash Mouth? It's like your Guy Fieri. Janet Varney. It's like your Janet is like your Guy Varney and you're waking up and you're saying, I'm in flavor town and it's off the chain.

What can someone do for $80 off their first month?

I don't think that's possible.

$80 off is too much off. That's too much. And I'm stupid as hell and this is a great deal for me, but even that is just too much.

Oh wait, I'm being told someone's whispering in my ear. Who is that man? The Fresh Ghost. The Fresh Ghost is here and it's saying for $80 off your first month of HelloFresh, go to hellofresh.com slash riddle 80 and enter riddle 80. That's hellofresh.com slash riddle 80 and enter riddle 80. 80 is what I'm saying. That's R-I-D-D-L-E eight zero. It's like receiving eight meals for free, and that is madness.

HelloFresh.com slash Riddle 80. Let me say that again. HelloFresh.com slash Riddle 80.

It's like you get $20 off your first four boxes. Erin's carving it into her arm.

HelloFresh.

Erin, don't do that. That vanity URL may not be around forever.

Don't call Erin. It will in my heart. It will in my heart.

It will them to foe.

Janet Varney.

HelloFresh. Wow, what a powerful ad from fuck pudding. Put your dick in it. What was it? Put your limp dick in it?

I think so. Put your limp biscuit in it. What did everyone do during their break?

I actually did a little something different. I touched on my ridiculousness.

Welcome to Cockroach Needles Inn.

Okay, so I got a riddle book that's called Lateral Thinking Puzzles from a fan at our LA live show.

Okay. We got the book. I don't think you have ownership over it.

She handed it to me. And now it's awesome. Well, here's the thing. I tried to look up her name, but I don't have access to the Patreon.

You tried to look up her name?

I tried to listen to it in the live show. Next time I use this book, I will give you a shout out with your name. I am so sorry.

Erin, you're a fucking stalker. I know.

I'm obsessed with her.

You're a freaking stalker. You're a freaking fucker. Can you milk me?

Is that just another word for masturbating?

Yeah.

So this is a good one. Are we ready?

Yes.

Why are two little animals alone in a little boat in the middle of the ocean?

Noah's Ark. Everybody else died. This is Noah's lifeboat. Rattlesnakes, they bit all the other animals, they died, and then it's just the rattlesnakes.

You're getting kind of close.

Have you seen Titanic?

Unicorn got on the wrong boat. So like Titanic, Noah's Ark crashed, and Noah's Ark had lifeboats, and all of the animals, two by two, got onto the lifeboats as they were evacuated in the sinking ark.

But only the women and children. Animals.

But there's just two animals.

It's the unicorns got on the wrong boat. Wrong arc.

That's funny and that would be a funny answer. Wrong.

Two animals getting kicked off. I want to see a scene. It's a far side cartoon. Two unicorns are on a boat together.

I think we're on the wrong arc.

We're like the back of a New Yorker.

Gary Larson, we know you listen. I want to see a scene.

They're on the St. Louis arc.

Wrong arc.

It's just us improvising farsight cartoons. Better podcast.

My dad had those like complete set of farsight cartoons and I was obsessed with them.

So I want to see the two of you as unicorns on the wrong arc and it's been days and it's just dawned on you.

Don't say it, Helen. Do not say it.

Disappointing husband says what?

I wish I could take this horn and slit my own throat. Does that make sense to you? That's what I wish I could do.

You couldn't get the angle. You're not flexible enough. You horse with one extra feature.

Speaking of being a horse with one extra feature, I can't stand the sound of your voice, Helen. You drive me nuts!

Nay, nay, you would be so much happier if I was an ordinary horse, wouldn't you?

Honestly, yes, I would love, I would love it if you are an ordinary horse.

This is why we should have had kids. No one's gonna know about unicorns. No one's gonna know about us.

First of all, I would have loved to have kids, but I was too tired. I kept telling you I work all day and it makes me tired.

Disappointing husband says what?

What are you talk- Welcome to heaven my children. You have... Parished on the boat you're on. I am God, and your first time to heaven you get to ask one question just in case you get sent back or resuscitated. I will answer one question. Shortly before I died, I saw a tiger in the woods. I was not having another fan. You did, and stop calling me Shirley. I like you. I rode airplanes. God rode airplane.

Why are two little animals alone and a little boat in the middle of the ocean?

Uh, is this... is this wordplay?

No. It's a literal thing. You got it right, but you got the wrong animal.

I got it right, but I got the wrong animal? Yeah, two animals... I have to guess, out of all the animals in the world, I have to guess why two little animals? Yeah. Mice. No. Gerbles. Hamsters. Got kicked off the ark and now we're in a little boat. Oh, uh, little fox.

No. Why would someone get kicked off?

They were ratting on each other?

They were... What makes for a bad roommate?

Skunks.

Yes!

That's it? Yes. You said this was a good one. I like this one. Can I do away with this piece of information? Skunks are great roommates. I lived with a skunk in college. Really? Yeah.

What was there to do?

He ate all my double safarios, but he was great.

Let's see that. Let's see that.

I also lived with a skunk in college. It was a very flat keg. She called first thing. It was skunked.

The keg was skunked. You didn't want to do that with weed? Oh hey, I'm sorry, I saw there's a tie in the door, but Pepe Le Pew, are you?

Did you have someone over here? I did, but they are gone and that is fine.

Oh yeah, you're kind of creepy that way. What do you mean? Creepy that way. You're just creepy, you come on too strong. Speaking of coming on too strong, whoo, is that Axe Body Spray?

Yes, it's Axe Body Spray. It's, uh, Halo. It's Halo? Halo, I believe, is one of the sins of Axe Body Spray. Are you saying Halo? H-A-R-E-O-L. Halo. Okay, man. Look, man, we have to have a little talk. Okay, we're talking right now. About the roommate's rules. Yeah. When you use a roll of toilet paper, you have to put on a new roll of toilet paper. Donuts just put the toilet paper on top of the dispenser. It's the same thing. It makes it easier to hold. It's actually nuts. It makes it easier to hold. It's not the same thing and you cannot do the roll if you use and put it on top. Who does the roll?

I need a lot of pizzelles. Maybe first people, when Toilet Paper was first invented for the novelty you do the roll, but now if you do it, it just keeps going. You're gonna lose it all on the floor. Not if you stop it with a karate chop. We get it. You took karate, okay? While we're talking as roommates, you smell like fucking shit.

Okay. Does that make sense? Fair point. While we're on this subject, the dishes, we should have like a midnight policy. Where after midnight, you should have already done the previous day's dishes. No, no, no. Letting them soak overnight. Why after midnight? Am I fucking Ethan Hawke? What is this? Before midnight, you do your dishes, okay? And also, I put my vodka in the freezer and I could tell you are watering it down. Okay.

While we're talking about the kitchen, I had a four-pack of fuck pudding. Okay. And now there's three of them. Okay.

Fuck pudding. Put your lip dick in.

Okay, so what do you think of that?

I don't know.

Can you say toilet paper? That is so funny. So you said it went well with the skunk?

Can we make fuck pudding t-shirts?

Yes. No, I think someone should make fuck pudding.

T-shirts made of fuck pudding?

A man wearing tights is lying unconscious in a field. Next to him is a rock. What happened?

Got hit in the nuts.

Oh, is this a Super Bowl commercial?

It's easier to aim when you can see the outline of the nuts. He's wearing tights, and next to him is a rock.

It's Dwayne the Rock Johnson. It's Dwayne the Rock Johnson. The guy body slammed him. They both got hit at their head. And the man was stone cold Steve Austin. He was doing ballet. Dwayne the Rock Johnson stone cold Steve Austin. There's a riddle in there with two rocks. And Brett the Geode Heart. Rick, the natural occurring ore boy flair.

The Undertaker. Tombstone. Tombstone's a stone. What's your favorite rock?

Tombstone. I thought you were my friend. I just don't think I could bear it.

If anybody here is in a geology class, you got to bring in a tombstone. Say I brought it in a rock. Say this is my favorite rock, it's Tombstone. Make sure it is your dad's tombstone.

If anyone here is in a history of rock and roll class, say that your favorite rock album is Tombstone.

That means the score from the movie Tombstone. Good movie, great movie. Sam Elliott, 1992.

All the details are on.

The next time you cook a pizza... Next time you cook a pizza, say it's not delivery, it's a tombstone. But have an actual tombstone. Make sure it's your dad's.

I did all the details wrong.

I do think it would be funny if you went to a graveyard and there was like a gravestone, a headstone, that just had pepperoni on it. What do you want on your tombstone? Is that a joke? What do you want on your tombstone? Pepperoni, extra cheese? I think it would be funny if it just said pepperoni on it. That would take a lot of commitment. Pepperoni, extra cheese. I don't know. I think it would just take like $400. Are you ready for the answer? Yes. Wait, what? No.

Wait. Did we get it? Can we ask some questions?

Yeah.

Oh wait, it's not stinks. Was the guy performing a dance?

No. Erin.

Was the guy in a circus? I thought we got it with Man in Tights and Rock. We did not get it. The answer was not Dwayne the Rock Johnson. Was he an extra in a Mel Brooks movie about Robin Hood?

No.

Was he an actor?

Nobody was famous.

Ooh. Was he a superhero? Yes. Oh, it's Cripperman. Cripp tonight. We had this one. We had a very similar one about a man. Very similar. Very similar. I've got a great one. Very similar. Submiciously spimpler.

I got a great one. Are you ready?

Well, hold on. I don't trust you anymore.

This one's great. Okay. And the skunk one was also great.

Erin, I will tell you what I've told every girlfriend that I've ever had every day we've been together. Please take me back. This is your opportunity to win me back.

I'm your girlfriend.

He said yes! He went to fuck pudding.

Every kiss begins with fuck pudding. Are we ready?

Yes ma'am.

What took 19 years to get into itself?

Harvard. What took 19 years to get into itself?

I'm sorry Harvard, but your grades just aren't there yet.

You let Natalie Portman in. So it takes 19 years to get to college. What took 19 years to get into itself?

Is it a person whose name is Iowa State?

Yep.

Does this Riddle have anything to do with college?

It took 19 years to get into itself. Does it have to do with... Is it a car? Does it have to do with a car? It took 19 years to get into itself. You thought about that for so long.

Yeah, I was like, absolutely not. Not even close.

Is it a word that has in in it?

No, it's not a word play.

What took 19 years to get into? Oh, was it like the new decade or something? Like the new... No. What's a decade plus 10?

Two decades.

Couple of decades. What took 19, 19 is such a weird number.

It took 19 years to get into. Yeah, that's why I was thinking it's like, I'm impressed with this.

This is not like a word play answer where it's like, 19. No, not a word playing. What took 19 years to get into itself? So the Hall of Fame, Hall of Fame, Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Close, close. It took 19 years for the rock

No, it's similar, but it's not like a Hall of Fame.

Oh, I see. So it'd be a band or an artist? Not quite. It took 19 years for the masters to get into the masters. You're circling for Guggenheim to get into the Guggenheim. Is it a thing to get into the museum?

It's a thing to get into something.

Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin Lookalike contest in St. Louis and got third place.

It's something you can hold in your hand. Does that make sense?

Yes, it does. The flashlight took 19 years to get into the flashlight.

Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin Lookalike contest? And then married his 13-year-old cousin.

Yeah, then he went on to be the Fuhrer of Europe. Fuhrer up.

Fuhrer up. I'm gonna tell you so I can do one more riddle.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Erin, Erin, Erin.

Give me one more chance. It's something you can hold in your hand. Is it a celebrity? It's something you can hold in your hand. So it's gotta be... Hooting the blowfish? Gotta be hooty.

Let me give you a flip. Hold my hand. Hold my hand. JPC is my son.

Hold on, hold on.

Took 19 years to get into itself. I don't want to be with you. But it is like a museum.

It's popular. It is a collection.

It's a collection. Beanie Baby. The Beanie Baby took 19 years to get into itself.

I'm sure Beanie Babies are maybe in this thing. I don't know, maybe not.

Probably not.

Hobby Lobby. You'll never be in this thing.

Momo challenge to get into the Momo? 80s. I love the 80s. I love the 70s. Give us a better hint.

What? You can hold it in your hand.

What era is it? Is it a museum? You can hold it in your hand and you can flip through it. You have a book. Guinness World Records. Oh, wow.

The Guinness World Records, after 19 years of publication, became the second best-selling book of all time and therefore got into itself.

After the people.

Wait, wait, wait. You get a Guinness Book of World's Record record for being the second most best-selling book of all time?

I bet that's why they did a second place thing so they could be in their own book.

Motherfuckers.

I got one more riddle for you.

Talk to me when you beat the Bible, bitch.

I don't think they'll ever beat the Bible. You know what, Wildo? The Da Vinci Code.

And I'll tell you why. The movie version. We've sold more DVD copies of the DaVinci Code than we've sold the Bible. I thought you meant more novelizations of the movie than DaVinci Code. The novelization's just a hundred pages shorter.

Tom Hanks gets a weird haircut and walks into the room.

It's a picture book! It's a Bible book! Tom Hanks and the DaVinci Code.

Oh man.

Welcome to June. Alright.

Six page picture book. Okay. We got one more.

Please.

It was originally a mistake, but the shopkeeper found... Oh, nope, I just read the answer.

Erin.

Woah, that's a day!

Erin, Erin. This is... No, no, hold on, hold on. You just said the shopkeeper, right? Yeah. Okay, so this is what Adal... We have to reverse engineer this Riddle. We have to reverse engineer this Riddle. Can you please read the answer and we're gonna work backwards?

Yes. Okay.

The first time ever we've done this on the podcast, we meant to do this. This is all part of the plan. No, Erin fucked up. It's all part of Drake's God's plan.

Okay, here's the thing. I got distracted because I keep having to flip between these two.

By the way, Erin's trying to choose which man to marry and she's flipping back and forth between two gentlemen in the room.

It's Adal and JPC. JPC just called me his girlfriend.

One of them looks like a pauper and one looks like a prince.

One looks like a pauper and one looks like John, a blues traveler. While we're waiting for Erin to do that, three quick takes. I want you to say welcome to June. Go ahead. Welcome to June! Now I want you to say, uh, welcome to Foon. Welcome to Foon! I want you to say welcome to Poon. Benny and June!

Are we ready? Yes. It was originally a mistake, but the shopkeeper found that so many people came into his shop to point out the error that it increased his business.

It was originally a mistake, but so many people came into his shop to point out the error. It was a mansplaining shop.

It was a shop for mansplaining. So the sign outside the shopkeeper's shop says, Snape. And people keep coming in to buy Harry Potter books, which he sells, so eventually he just keeps it. The sign says half off. Wait, I gave an answer. I'm supposed to be giving a riddle.

Wait, the sign says two for one. But it's spelled two for Juan. So a bunch of people named Juan are coming in to get there.

J-U-A-N. That's a really good riddle.

That's just the movie A Million to Juan.

Okay, okay. Which the novelization of that is gonna sell million.

Basically blank check with Carlos Menzia.

Ah, boy. Blank check with Carlos Menzias. My favorite blank check commentary podcast. Fuck. Okay, the riddle is... Does the riddle involve a shop? Yes.

So you got the first couple words, a little shop.

Of course. Did the sign have a sale listed?

No, it's the name of the place and then has a visual representation of whatever it is. And that's the issue. That's the error.

Okay. Is it a butcher? It's called Best Buy, and there's a picture of a cutout of the shopkeeper kissing a man and kissing a woman. Oh, the eye. And it's Best Buy, and so it attracts the polyamorous and buy communities.

Happy Pride Month, everybody.

Welcome to June.

How do you judge the Best Buy?

Okay, it's Circuit City. And people are like, Circuit City closed years ago.

Circuit City burned years ago. A man with a lantern? I'm sorry.

A man with a lantern, Green Lantern, walks into a bar. Is it a famous store?

No, it's a made-up- You're never gonna get this.

What, is it clothing?

No, I have no idea what this even means.

You're never gonna get this. Okay, tell us. You're never gonna get this what Adal hears from every one of his dates. You're never gonna get this.

You got so fatigued in the middle of that insult. Sorry. A little shop in New York is called the Seven Bells, yet it has eight bells hanging outside. Why?

Is this a Beauty and the Beast thing? The answer is it was a mistake.

It was originally a mistake, but the shopkeeper found that so many people came into his shop to point out the error that it increased his beauty.

I want to see a scene. Japes and Erin, you were both auditioning to be Belle in the live-action movie Beauty and the Beast. They pretty much know who they're going with, which is Hermione. Emma Watson, is that her name? Emma Watson. But you two have been brought in just so that they get in as many people as possible.

Gotcha.

And you're in the waiting room.

I touched a packer's penis and his football game was off.

The fuck pudding must have been expired because I am not horny at all.

My mommy makes my breakfast and my daddy makes me pay for it.

My daddy makes my breakfast and my mommy makes me pay for it.

Sorry folks, real quick. Typically people talk to each other in the audition waiting room. We are.

We're having a conversation.

I'm sorry, I'll butt out. That's okay. Which packer? A Hewlett.

Mark the day and time because we just did the best scene we've ever done.

I am holding ten rugs because they all got yanked up from under me. Weird Al Yankovic over here.

I just did four of my favorite scenes I've ever done with Adal last night at World News that all of you will never get to see.

At the 8 o'clock World News, that's the hardest I've laughed in a year maybe?

Adal was destroying me. He was making me laugh so hard.

So dear listener, just know that that's what we're capable of and this is what we give to you. Let's describe the scenes because that's always fun. Adal, could you please describe something that you would like to plug?

Ooh. I want to plug Hello for the Magic Tavern. You're going to want to check that out. Sibling Specular. You're going to want to check out... I remembered another podcast. I'm trying any podcast I guessed on. I want to give it a shout out. I just did a guest spot on D20 Danes, which is a wonderful podcast, actual play of some D&D with some wonderful women. So check that out. I think my episode comes out in a few weeks. I was also on Mission to Zix. With Magic Tavern folks, so check that out as well. And Magic Tavern, hula for the Magic Tavern, has two live shows coming up during Gen Con in Indianapolis. We will be doing a JPC tour where we're just going to visit all the really poignant spots in Jape's life in Indianapolis. So I'll be leading that tour if you want to buy tickets for that. That is free and check that out.

Yeah, good luck being at the big mural of Kurt Vonnegut where I lost my virginity to Kurt Vonnegut.

Who was he?

And you said breakfast at champions has come? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, also check out world news tonight every Saturday at 8pm and 10pm. We will, one of us will almost always certainly be there, usually.

Sometimes it's not all of us and we didn't tell you that and sometimes it's just Erin at a 10 o'clock show and everyone's super disappointing.

Sometimes it'll be a very confused Mexican gentleman named Eddie Pina who also does the show and he'll say who? What are you talking about?

We should have a Twitter page that's just who's gonna be at World Bank. A tracker.

Japes, anything you want to plug? Yeah, I would like to plug. I read a book that I very much enjoyed. It's Mindset, The New Psychology of Success by Carol S. Dweck. It's a little bit dated, but I did very much enjoy the book, and it's a very quick read. Do you have an extra copy of it? I have loaned out my current copy of it.

Sorry, not to shit on your parade, but you're holding a book that says Mind Freak.

Yes, I'm currently reading Chris Angel's Mindscreen. It's a thousand pages, and it's all photos of his face. And at the end, it's a trick that he's done on me. Erin, anything you want to plug?

I would like to plug the novelization of the movie, The Da Vinci Code. I'm trying to get more copies sold of that than the Bible. Also, follow me on Instagram, erinkeif10, and I plug my shows there. If you tweet at me or you message me, I don't look at that stuff often. I will get to it. Just don't get mad at me.

Yeah, don't get mad at Erin.

Check out our Patreon. Check out our, leave us a review on iTunes. If we get up to 1500, we're going to be doing another AMA episode, so we're pretty close to that. So please give us a review. Five stars, if you're nasty.

And also check out Fuck Pudding. That will be on the market probably sometime July... It's mostly arsenic? It's mostly arsenic in a little bit of... Old place. Erin, recently you were in New Orleans to go see Paul McCartney. You said it was amazing. He did a very special rendition of a famous song of his with a space helmet on. Typically it's called Hey Jude, but in this concert it was called...

Jupiter, which is the name of one of our listeners. Her name is Jupiter, so hello and goodbye, Jupiter.

Bye forever, Jupiter.

This has been Hey Riddle Riddle, created by Adal Rifai, starring Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan, AG Snyder did the editing, and already parented the muting. We'll go created by Emily Cardamus and Emily Nemours.

That was a Headgum podcast.