Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

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Holy crap!

Giordano's!

The Millennium Bean!

The Cubs!

It is at Shubas, which is a very cool bar. It's an 18 and over show. Tickets are $15. And if you want to get tickets now, you can go to lh-st.com and search for the Hey Riddle Riddle show. Or just go check out our Twitter, because it's going to be pinned on top of that Twitter, baby.

You know it, boy. And you all asked for some weekend shows. We're providing a weekend show. This is Friday, August 16, at 9 PM. 15 bucks. That's like a cup of coffee from a place that rips you off. Isn't that right, Erin?

Exactly. And my parents are going to be there.

Is Mitch going to be there?

No.

Well, come meet us. We're going to have merch for sale, some posters. We're going to stick around afterwards so you can get a picture. You can make Erin drink a pen if that's still a thing. And you can get some nice pierogies.

August 16th.

The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Oh, then we're going to finish. It was the captain of an airplane. He stabbed him with an icicle. And the horse was seen riding.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. I'm Adal Rifai. I'm JPC.

And I'm Erin Keif.

And welcome to another episode of Hollywood Nights, better LA than ever.

Yeah. And Hollywood Nights is a great thing to call this episode specifically because of who our guest is.

Which is one of our favorite podcasters. Yes. And they do a little podcast called Hollywood Handbook. Hayes Davenport. Welcome to the show.

Thank you so much for having me to Headgum Studios.

Can you say the name of the podcast?

This podcast? It's called Hey Riddle Riddle.

Oh, you did it.

And I select that soundbite and it'll soup plug. This is exciting for me. I've never heard a riddle before. You've never eaten Laffy Taffy? I've never, uh, no. Or eaten a full popsicle? I'll eat it, but I don't unwrap it. Is there something under there?

Have you eaten a full popsicle?

No, again, I just do the whole thing. Open up the back of my throat and just drop it in.

This is Adal's classic setup to get you to watch him eat a full popsicle. Yeah, this is how it's done.

This is my... My teeth hurt just thinking about that.

I'm famous on YouTube. Hayes, thank you so much for being on. What is your relationship with Riddles? I know you said you've never heard of Riddle, but if you actually have, what's your

I remember in the never-ending story they did one where I think it might have been the four legs, two legs. You guys done? I don't want to spoil it. Are we doing that? This thing's real? Fuck. That's the only riddle we've prepared.

It's Lieutenant Dan in his answer.

There were some. No, I mean, I've seen a couple of movies. I don't have a strong relationship with riddles, but I'm really looking to develop one. You came to the wrong place.

Your siblings? Do you have a strong relationship with a sibling?

I'm approaching this like it's a job interview.

What's your best quality job? What do you see yourself in five riddles? Out the door crazy. What's your source? I'm sure you've talked about like where do you...

I mostly pull, there's a guy named Paul Sloane, who's like the high-shit King Riddle. Yeah. So he's written like 30 books. He's so cool. On Amazon, if you type in Riddle, he's written like 30, 50 books. There's a book called The Bible?

Yeah, maybe you've heard of it. That's our source of truth for this podcast.

A lot of quandaries in the Quran. Muhammad poses a lot of riddles. But Paul Sloan and then also, what's the stories with holes in them?

Nathan Levi.

Yeah, which is, they're all garbage. But yeah, I think these are all Paul Sloan classics.

You prepared Paul Sloan classics for today?

I think these are mostly Paul, oh, I'm sorry, Paula Deen classics. A lot of butter. Can't wait. So we're going to do some warm up riddies. So that's just going to be probably quicker, shorter riddles. The stakes are low. So Hayes, if at any time you know the answer, just shout it out. A lot of times, guests will know the answer and not say it because they'll think that we're stalling for time or trying to do bits. But we don't know it. We just don't know the answer. So if you know it, please shout it out. Don't feel like you're raining on our parade.

We're just going to riddles. Got it.

So we're going to do three warm-up riddles that are what-am-I riddles. So these are going to be what-am-I riddles.

OK. What if you don't know who you are?

What if you don't have a strong sense of self?

Yeah, what if you're self-discovering yourself and what your whole brain is?

Self-doubt, self-doubt, self-doubt. Here we go. I am something that is lighter than a feather and yet harder to hold. What am I? Smaller feather. Is it smaller? Oh, a sneeze.

That's a great answer.

Good answer. Let's see sneeze on the board. And you're a Foley artist, right, Erin? What does a horse sound like going upstairs?

A choo!

That sounds like a fake sneeze.

That didn't sound like your other sneeze at all. I get it.

Never repeated a sneeze. She's got one good sneeze in her. What is lighter than a feather, but still a riddle? Harder to hold. Yeah, harder to hold. Light. Oh, a fart. Because holding a fart is one of the most difficult things that you could do.

Here's what I'll say. You're warm, red hot almost, but it's a... A burp. A mouth fart. A burp?

I guess it's your breath, which is... Okay, so that's technically right. I would say breath is a mouth fart.

Yeah, and I would say fart is technically right because you're a big fart breath, Adal, and that's the answer.

Oh, and it's harder to hold your breath. Is it harder to hold your breath than it is to hold a feather? I'm not sure that's true. The person that wrote this riddle... How windy? Yeah, where geographically... I guess for a certain amount of time. I could do it for long.

You're in one of those car dealership money booths that just spits that money around all over the place with an air blower. So that would make it impossible to hold a feather and pretty hard to hold your breath.

I'd like to see a scene. Hayes, I'm going to have you be the best magician of all time, Houdini.

Great. I did a report on him at an elementary school where my dad came in and held me upside down. And punched you in the stomach. Did you pass out?

That was the last day I ever saw my dad, too. My dad came in, punched me in the stomach, I died three days later.

Houdini.

So you're gonna be Houdini. JPC, you're gonna be a fan of Houdini after the show, trying to figure out how he held his breath in that milk tankard. Milk? Didn't he famously hold his breath in a milk tankard? In milk? What's a milk tank? Well, it's like a cracker barrel. Yeah, it's like a cracker barrel, not necessarily for crackers.

Okay, okay.

Yeah, I got it. Ready? Okay.

I got a question for you. I'm sorry.

Do you want to punch me in the stomach real quick? Sorry, I usually don't start a conversation.

I would love to. I actually thought about punching you in the back when I walked up to you, but I was like, okay. So I may.

Yeah.

I mean, just let me get ready first.

Okay. But then yes. Okay. Okay. Just you give me a, okay. Okay. Okay. This is going to hurt so bad.

Okay. This is you ready?

No, no, no. Give me one second. Okay.

Yeah, no, no. Take it to him. Okay. Don't be fun. Are you talking to me? No. Okay. I'm sorry. You got somewhere to go? Yeah, I actually have a table at Cracker Barrel across the street.

You have a reservation at Cracker Barrel?

They do them for me. I've got enough times that I have a Cracker Barrel rewards card and they do hold reservations for me. Okay. Normal people can't get them. Ready. Okay. Okay. Okay. Ready?

Oh, that's great. That went great.

I just didn't have time to prepare either. I could do a better punch.

Did you want to have time? Maybe instead of talking, when we were preparing for this, you could have taken the time to prepare.

This is a weird request, but I'm so much better at kicking than punching. Would you mind if I kicked you in the stomach?

I actually have a reservation to milk tank me. Didn't get to the question. I think I got my answer. I'll take my answer off, Mike.

Here's another, what am I warm-up ready? I am something that is too much for one, enough for two, but nothing at all for three. What am I? Marriage. Love. Too much for one. I'm a poly. I'm a poly. And a kitten.

What, a Cracker Barrel? Yes. Poly, what a marriage. It's an order of egg rolls where there's only two.

It's an order of egg rolls. No, it's something that is too much for one, enough for two, nothing at all for three.

Nothing at all for three. Enough for two, too much for one. Boy oh boy. And it's not tangible.

Okay. So egg rolls are off the table.

I would eat an egg roll off the floor for fucking sure. How long has it been on the floor? A few seconds? Two days. Two days? Hell yeah! There's nothing in there that spoils.

There's wheelbarrow races.

Yeah. Interesting.

Can you explain that? Human wheelbarrow.

Is that what you're saying? No, no.

You put your baby brother in a wheelbarrow, and you send it down a hill, and you tell your mom that you haven't seen him.

What a Huck Finn thing to do. Like in olden days where you just put a stick across a fence post and that's fun.

Yeah. Put my brother in a wheelbarrow.

Too much for one. Is it a hole? Enough for two. Nothing at all for three.

Often the answer to a riddle is a hole.

A hole, an egg, the wind, and ice. That's also how you make a shitty Captain Planet. Hole.

Ice. I think my answer is closest.

Okay, you'd be wrong. So this is something that's not tangible. Okay, not tangible. Love. Too much for one, enough for two, nothing at all for three. Masturbation. No. 69. But those two things, you might do this with those two things? Well, I guess with masturbation specifically, you would keep it this. You would keep it this? Masturbation. 72 degrees. Privacy.

Privacy.

Secrets. Secrets. Secrets. It's too much for one person and enough for two, but nothing at all for three. So once a third person knows a secret, it's no longer a secret.

Is that true?

Which we saw in Game of Thrones.

If that's true, I need to make four phone calls.

Let's do one more warm up Riddle.

Great. I feel great.

I am something that is filled every morning and emptied every night, except once a year when I'm filled at night and emptied in the morning. What am I? Chamberpot. Piss and shit. Once a year, filled at night and emptied in the morning. But every other day of the year, it's filled every morning and emptied every night.

Oh, I know it.

It's a Christmas thing, right?

Is it a Christmas thing?

It is. Have we had this before? No, but I figured it out at the same time.

But I was just already thinking about Christmas, so this worked out.

Well, let's stare at Hayes until... Erin, you're always thinking about Christmas, right?

You have a constant Christmas monologue going in your head?

There's like a Macy's Christmas out of my head all the time.

And you are kind of Tim Allen-ing into a Santa Claus, correct?

Yeah.

Well, that's just my hormones.

What a polite way to say somebody's getting weight. Like, oh, Bethany, are you Tim Allen-ing?

I am going gray at the rate that he does in that movie. My mom was fully gray by 30, so I- Is that true? Yeah, I'm like ready to go.

That's like Jean Grey level shit. Yeah. That's crazy.

So you have six more years, huh?

No. I'm older than that.

I just want to clarify, was Jean Grey known for having gray hair? Is that why she's called that? I don't remember that being the case.

Maybe?

Yeah, Storm had more gray hair than Jean. Rose got a big white tree. And we can all agree Jubilee is just garbage, right? Yeah. Fireworks is not a power.

On the 4th of July it is.

Alright. Alright, Erin. This is a Christmas riddle, not a 4th of July riddle. Okay, yeah, Christmas. The Christmas jug. I grew up in a Unitarian household. We didn't really have these exclusive religious traditions where we worshipped God. Unitarian is Christmas or chicken and fish.

GPC and Erin, do you want to say the answer on three? One, two, three?

Christmas sock. Stocking.

It's a stocking. Every morning you fill it and empty it every night with your feet and then once a year you hang it by the chimney if you're rich as hell. And you, I guess, is chimney, it'd be fireplace.

Fireplace.

You don't hang stuff by the chimney.

Stockings were hung by the chimney with care.

But the chimney is external, right? My good boy, you need a chimney if there is to be a fireplace. Unless it's for show.

And Santa won't come to your house if you don't have a fireplace.

This riddle implies that you go around wearing a Christmas car. Every other day of the year until it's time to hang it out.

I didn't take it that way. You said filling a sock and I thought you meant jerking off into a Christmas sock.

In the morning. You know when your mom does the laundry and she fights your Christmas stocking and it's all stiff?

You can't open it.

That's the one that you hang about. And then at night you just dump it out.

It's like pouring sand out of a boot. You let 16 hours go by, then you dump it. It's a bad podcast, right? Yeah. Just everyone in your mind's eye, picture the viscosity of common assault.

I don't think you need to.

We'll see. We'll see. You don't tell our listeners.

I think you were having an okay day before this, and I don't think we need to ruin it.

We're going to transition into our main course, Puzzies and Readies. I can only assume if people are listening to this, their day is horribly off track.

They've been kidnapped from someone playing this.

Sure. You're at a psychopath's dungeon. A man is putting lipstick on in front of a mirror listening to a riddle podcast.

Tugging a stick between his legs. I feel like the funniest thing on Twitter every once in a while will get people who are listening to this podcast in a public place and their headphones fall out or something. And then it blasts the audio for the whole train to hear when it's in the middle of GBC saying like, I'll have to come sandwich or something. A lot of people have lost their jobs. Here we go. Here's our first main puzzle. Adults are holding, this is another, I won't say it because I don't ruin it, adults are holding children waiting for their turn. The children are handed one at a time usually to a man who holds them while a woman shoots them. If the child is crying, the man tries to stop the crying before the child is shot.

Christmas. Christmas again. Perfect timing. Not loving the gendering.

Classic riddle thing.

Of both, I guess, the elf and Santa Claus. That's true. And it says a woman shoots them, so it's... The elf is a woman? My argument is the elf has to be a man. And that's my argument.

If I see an elf, I'm pulling those pants down and looking at the genitalia, because I want to know.

Did you know that elf was originally cast with Delta Burke?

Is that true? I did not know that. It could be a lie. It is.

I'd like to see a scene. Yes. And the three of you are in line to see Santa, and one of you really wants to spill the beans about him not being real.

Okay, great.

What are you guys gonna ask Santa for? I brought this Sears catalog and I circled with a marker everything I want, so I'm just gonna hand him the catalog.

Can I see that?

I hope he makes good, yeah.

Oh, you just circled all of the people that could be your dad's faces?

Yeah, all I know is two things about my dad. He was a male model. Sure. And he threw footballs. So one of these 14, I narrowed it down to 14 men.

Wow, seriously. This one is Brett Favre, so I don't think it's him. Couldn't be. Yeah. And this is an advertisement for football? Huh? Okay. Just in the catalog.

You can buy football in the Sears catalog now. I mean, I didn't know. That's what it says.

What? Yeah, you can buy football.

What about you, Brian? What do you want for Christmas? Yeah, I mean honestly like that like my understanding is there's a lot of stuff left. Yeah, like that is just sitting there after all the toys have been delivered and just as like a wholesaling opportunity. I think that there's like a lot of a lot of options. Yeah, this goes over stuff.

They basically put this all into like strip mall retail outlets throughout the rest of the year and then people can buy it at a reduced price. So that's probably a good get. You're probably going to get some top shelf stuff at like a lower cost.

And like a hand cart to like get it out. I also need to ask Ryan a truck. 16-wheel truck. 16-wheel truck. Yeah, 16-footer at least. Maybe a 24.

Ryan, I hate to ask you this in line and it's the season, but are you poor? Are you poor?

Uh, that, again, such a great question. And I just love, by the way, can I just say I love catching up with you guys every year. It's so crazy. Well, we miss you at school.

Once you got taken out of school because of what you were wearing, all those burlap sacks, we miss you.

We miss you so much.

And the lice and the course of lice. But you look good with a shaved head.

You look great with a shaved head. A lot of people would make them look like a white supremacist, but for you- But you look like Michael Chiklis. Thank you!

Who does not look like a white supremacist? You have to, you have to, you know, December now. This is burlap sack season. You guys are seeing me in like May and like September. Sometimes September, of course, could be really hot. The burlap is not great and I have to be taken out of school for heat exhaustion. But right now, I'm thriving.

Yeah, another thing was school was more than just May and September. So it was weird just seeing you for like 60 days.

That makes sense.

Aren't you kids a little old to sit on Santa's lap? You look like you're 15. I'm 26.

Yeah, who are you calling kids?

See? That is bleak. Two of those people still believe that Santa exists.

In my mind's eye, I pictured Hayes with glasses that were made from sticks and then just had Saran wrap over them. Because to me, that's the epitome of poor.

That's just scrappy.

I think we got it, but just for the sake of listeners, can we say what the answer to the Riddle was?

Well, I don't remember it, my dear.

Well, the answer is that it's kids getting their picture taken with Santa, which we did a scene about, so obviously that's the answer. There was another answer to this, and I love when Riddles say that there's two answers, because it means that they're not sure, like they poorly constructed it. The other answer is, or the man is a doctor, and the woman is a nurse who is giving the child injections. Yeah, okay, and that is properly gendered.

But that implies that there's like this line of parents just one by one handing off their children for injections.

This is the apocalypse.

Yeah, this is a measles outbreak and now everyone's rushing to get vaccinated. Vaccinate your kids, everyone.

Or don't.

Or don't.

Get attention.

Next Riddle here, a man is alone on an island with no food and no water. Cast away. That's what it is? Yes. Listen to volleyball.

Easy. Very easy one.

Man fuck the volleyball. He used ice skate kill fish. A man is alone on an island. It's Andy Samberg. A man is alone on an island with no food and no water, yet he does not fear for his life. Why?

When he says he's alone on an island, it's E-Y-E. He's at Island, the optometrist discount store, and he's not afraid because he's going to get a great deal on Glassware. It's Gilligan. He's on the set of a TV show, and he can just go to Crafty as soon as they call Cut and get Donuts and candy and water. I'll take it.

Let's move on. He wasn't alone. Famously. Famously. That show was casted. But it was his island. And they had tons of food all the time. They lived it.

It was coconut phones and coconut beds. And that's Marianne died from gout, right? Yes, absolutely.

Well known. All right. On an island, all alone, no food or water, but he's not afraid? He's not afraid for his life. He's delirious.

What's the wording of the beginning?

A man is alone on an island with no food and no water, yet he does not fear for his life.

Because he's a boat.

Is he dead? He's a boat. How the boat get there?

The man's a boat. He's a boat. I want to see a scene. This is a clear ripoff, blatant ripoff of Knight Rider. Sure. Only this is Dayboater. So this is Dayboater. Hayes will be the voice of the boat. Okay. Allah of David Hasselhoff, GPC, or no, the teacher, Mr. Feeney from Right? Hasselhoff was the driver.

Yes, I'm sorry.

JPC, you'll be the captain of the boat. I thought you were making me Mr. Phoebe in this scene. I was like, what is this?

What do you want to see?

So Hayes is the voice of the boat. JPC, you're the Hasselhoff role. You're the solo captain of the boat. And you self-crab.

And I self-crab. Oh, what's my boat's name? This show's called Dayboater. Yeah, it's called Fuckface.

The USS Fuckface.

Okay, alright FF, we got a real mystery on our hands.

Okay, I'm hoping this is a water-based mystery. I just want to... Well, I mean we'll go with... So many times we have started to have this conversation and then it just is something that I cannot help you with because it's a land-based mystery.

We'll go with the clues lead us. Now, this woman is here because her husband has been kidnapped

My husband has been kidnapped and it wasn't me. I'm not the one who kidnapped my husband. I didn't have anything to do with it.

Helping him and my husband. Where was your husband last seen? Please see the water.

He was in an airplane.

Okay. Okay FF, that's not necessarily bad.

Over a desert.

Oh boy.

But then it took a turn.

Yes, okay, we're back in.

And we were by a lake, but the lake was dry.

All right. It's almost too urgently that she didn't do it. That was suspicious to me. And also, it sounds like she was there. She was on an airplane with her husband when he was kidnapped. FFF, can I talk to you real quick for a second? That's what I thought we were doing.

We have a 42 minute show to film, so when you solve the mystery... Again, and I previously said I knew you wouldn't like it. I accept your preface, but work with me here. Can we at least red herring it? Can we think about just another angle that this could have gone? She obviously kidnapped and killed her husband. She's covered in blood. She's got a knife in her purse.

It could be that suspicious old man over there.

That man works at the dock. We try to use him every episode.

It's never him.

He's a pervert for sure. You're an old pervert, right?

That's right.

But he's not a killer. Adal, you didn't want to play the pervert on the dock?

We're so sorry. We keep making you old perverts on docks.

We're so sorry. You dress this way when you come to record, you're going to be an old pervert.

My mom listens to this show and she's real upset with you two. Any ideas what's going on with this situation? Oh I forgot where to do this.

That is a really tough one. An island. Is this going to be one where I'm pissed?

Oh yeah. It's all like lateral thinking where it's like, it was actually this situation. Is the island a literal island? Or is it like an everyman is an island, metaphor island? It may not be the dictionary definition of an island, but it is an island.

Is food and water available in another spot? Can they get off the island?

Absolutely. And we're on land. There's no water involved in any of this. Is this like a traffic island? It is a traffic island. Okay. And I feel like I've solved it.

The island is a traffic island. This may be the original thing. I feel like I always call those medians? Yeah. The stretch of land in between two years.

Well, so you didn't grow up in Neverland like me. I was taken as a boy to follow whimsy.

With your little top hat and stuffed animal from your bed and it went through.

And we lived on traffic islands. Your therapist strictly said to never say the phrase I was taken as a boy.

The guy's not scared for his life. There's cars everywhere. If he steps forward at the wrong time... Cars are like man-made water.

Hayes brings up a great point. Is this man going to eat and drink the cars? And thank you so much for breaking this up.

Cars are the sharks of land. Remember when Chevy Chase played that car in SNL?

They can't stop driving or they die.

Yeah, Range Rovers famously can't stop driving or they'll die.

And little bicycles clean the teeth of the car. That's why they're so bad for the environment. They're single-use.

They're like tissues.

You can tell you're poor because you don't think cars are single-use.

Next puzzle.

Oh boy, next puzzle.

A woman came home with a bag of groceries, got the mail, and walked into the house. On the way to the kitchen, she went through the living room and looked at her husband who had blown his brains out.

Jesus Christ!

I feel like I was not prepared for that. She continued to the kitchen, put away the groceries, and made dinner. What's going on?

Now these I like and I can say I do have a history with. Oh no. Well I don't think of these as riddles, these like lateral thinking puzzles. This is an obituary. Books of the, oh okay got it. We're not doing the riddles anymore. This I read books of, a ton of books of these when I was looking. Like lateral thinking problems? Yes I love these. Now he blew his brains out. I have a friend named Nick Weiger who can do this. It's a rare skill, but that's my answer. And presumably his wife is so familiar with his ability to do this that she wouldn't give it a second thought. She knows not to talk to him while he is doing this.

She also goes about her business knowing that he probably already had a full meal for his podcast earlier, so he's not interested in dinner. He's a dough boy, so he's a dough boy. Yeah, she doesn't need to talk to him about dinner. Yeah, boy oh boy. Okay, that's gotta be the answer, right?

That is not the answer.

Whoa, interesting.

A hint is to think about the timing of everything.

Say again, the whole thing?

I feel like a waiter who just read the specials.

Clams. I didn't mention clams. Clams. Memelands. Period.

Yeah.

She's in a urn.

Yeah, it's a picture of him.

It's a portrait of him over the fireplace.

The husband had killed himself some time ago. The wife was looking at his ashes in an urn on the mantelpiece.

I get bad news for her and the writer of this riddle. There's all kinds of other shit mixed up in there. That's not your husband. Yeah, that's mostly salt.

You could put that on breakfast and it would be fine.

She seems really nonchalant about her husband being dead. I think she killed him and made it seem like suicide.

Well, there's a detective in a boat that are still working on this. They're like 35 minutes away from solving this. Also, I like to imagine that it's not an urn, it's a portrait of him doing it. I remember that moment forever.

Otherwise, why would you phrase it that way? I'd like to see a scene. Erin, you are a wife who just came home. JPC, you're a husband in the living room.

Classic character for me. A wife that's just come home. I love being a woman.

Let's do this. But let me finish. Let me finish. Just came home from the war where you're a sergeant in the Marines.

Shut up. Just what did you want me to do?

Empowerment. Should we let her have a name for this one? Catherine Wife.

Wait, what was the scene that you said?

So you just came home from Trader Joe's. We'll give them a nice hefty plug. Hoping to get some free frozen Indian food. Please sit us loose chili. JBC, you're a husband who's waiting at home for her and you've been known to pull a prank or two.

Okay.

Why hello, hello.

Put your pants on.

Why? Why ruin the surprise?

There's no surprise. You're just, you're not wearing pants.

And I'm also not wearing a shirt.

Yeah.

And I'm not wearing socks or underwear as well.

But you're wearing a hat.

It's a goofy hat. Are you ready for what comes next?

I got cauliflower crust and maybe we could- Gosh!

Cauliflower crust?! That makes me wanna fuck!

I figured we'd put some vegetables and maybe some vegan head- Gosh!

Don't you wanna fuck? ! Gosh, don't this make you hoary?

I thought maybe we could.

Katherine, what's wrong? You love it when I... Goofy. Fuck surprise. Should I come in now? Is it time to fuck three times?

Is that your brother?

No, it's not. It's Mickey Mouse. Ken is not here.

Ken? Come on out.

Yeah? You know what? Are we just one of those boring couples that just eats Trader Joe's for dinner and we don't have a throwaway with my little brother anymore? Is that what we are now? Have we gotten so predictable?

Okay, you invited my mom.

First of all, the situation invited your mom. The situation called for your mom to be here. Do you not love me anymore?

No, I'll go put up my costume. Let's do this.

Oh, she's dressing as Spider-Man. Say it.

Somebody draw that?

No. No, don't do that. No, please don't. Let's go ahead and take a quick break and we'll come back with more puzzles and worries.

Okay.

Hey, Adal, that's fine. Well, I need to verbally get a, yes, remember, J.B.

Z, yes.

Of course. Hayes. A quick break. In your writer it says, uh... We're gonna give you a Nestle quick break.

Okay yes.

Hey, you guys know on our famous Patreon episodes how we like to do, sometimes we like to do Buzzfeed quizzes.

Ooh, yeah.

Yeah, we've done those on Patreon episodes before. What if, what if I do something very fun right now and I give you a little quiz, but it's not a Buzzfeed quiz, it is a sleep quiz.

Ooh, to see which Riddle we are.

That's one of the results, but basically, my good friends at Helix Sleep, they built this sleep quiz. It takes two minutes to complete. Who are your friends at Helix Sleep? Jerry. Name one. Jerry. Oh. Jerry Helix. You know Jerry Helix? Don Sleep.

He's so nice. And Don Sleep.

I know Don Sleep.

They're so cool.

Anyway, Jerry and Don, they sent me the sleep quiz. What it does is they use the answers to match your body type and sleep preferences to the perfect mattress. Do you know Karen Zeez?

Uh, Karen actually got a divorce.

Erin, is that gonna be an issue for you? Do you say you're in a couple versus a relationship?

I'm single.

I got a couple of questions for you. You know what, Erin? Even if you are in a couple, Helix Sleep can split the mattress right down the middle, providing individual support needs and field preferences for each side of that couple. Plus, they have a 10-year warranty and you get to try it for 100 nights absolutely risk-free. Holy smokes. Yes, it's holy and smoking.

One more and that's almost Arabian number level of nights.

Okay, I'm not going to comment on that, but you can because of your background. Just go to helixsleep.com slash riddle, take their two-minute sleep quiz, and they will match you to a mattress that will give you the best sleep of your life.

Wait, wait, wait. Helix.com slash riddle, and you're saying that we- Nope.

Helixsleep.com slash riddle.

Helixsleep.com slash riddle. You're saying helixsleep.com slash riddle. Not what I said earlier. No, no, no. Not what you said earlier. So helixsleep.com slash riddle, and Erin- Helixsleep.com slash riddle. Erin, you usually sleep during podcast episodes. Now you can get a mattress and sleep like a human. Not only that, Erin.

I thought you didn't notice.

We've noticed. We all noticed. But if you go to helixsleep.com slash Riddle, that's R-I-D-D-L-E, you can get up to $125 off a mattress. And Erin, for you who sleeps during the show, it's like you're getting paid to sleep.

Oh my goodness.

We pay you $25 an episode, so you just have to come up, scrounge up $100 more dollars.

And that's how much you get off.

Amazing.

So if you want to get off on a great mattress, hold on, there's got to be a better way to say that. Nope, that's the perfect way. Go to helixsleep.com slash Riddle, R-I-D-D-L-E.

And we're back with another episode of Hollywood Nights. Hollywood Nights.

Hollywood Nights. We're all saying it, right?

Erin, can I get 10% less from you? Yeah.

Hollywood Nights. I tried to not use any of my mouth muscles. Hollywood Nights.

That's also how you kiss, right?

Yeah, just totally relax your whole face.

Don't move a muscle. And Erin believes firmly that we don't have to make sounds when we kiss. Humans choose to do that, but you can do it in silence.

You're really doing it right if you start to drool. Just a little drool good in your mouth. All you can hear is teeth, baby.

It ain't a kiss till I hear the clink of those teeth.

Every kiss begins with clink.

Ew. I think I'm done kissing forever now. I would like to just ADR all of that sound off of movies whenever people kiss and just replace any sound they may whack. Teeth clinking.

Two coconuts.

Like a wedding toast.

Is there a wedding toast happening? Nah, they're making seven minutes of heaven.

That would be unlistenable. And that's coming from someone who records this podcast.

Well, speaking of kissing, let's kiss the tip of this riddle dick.

What?

Is that a fun second? Exactly, yes.

Very natural.

I had that written down hoping someone would bring up Kiss. And if not, I had a puzzle about Jameson.

Kiss and Erin-shaped hole at that wall.

That Erin-shaped hole looks a lot like Tim Allen turning into Santa Claus.

Come on!

Leave me alone!

Her exiting needed more power. Isn't that his catchphrase? More power? From the Santa Claus? Yeah.

I will have to say something. I think it was the Santa Claus 2. I saw it in theaters when I was a child and I remember thinking the beginning of it was so romantic. It was like two 14 year olds almost kissing in the second or third Santa Claus. I remember thinking, this is so romantic. Really? Yeah.

What does that have to do with, I don't remember the movie.

I think it's like his son almost has his first kiss.

Was he in the fireplace watching him?

No, he ruins the moment though, I forget how, but I just was like, this is what love is.

Here we go. David entered a restaurant where a crowd of people were enjoying a meal. When the people saw David, they dropped their forks and fled the restaurant. What happened? It's medieval times, he's the Black Knight. Medieval Times, Black Knight made famous by the cable guy. JPC's favorite movie?

Yeah, absolutely. I actually fucking hated that movie growing up. I don't know, I haven't rewatched it, I guess, at all, but I remember seeing it once and being like, I don't like it. I think I was, I wanted it to be more Ace Ventura.

It's his little Nicky, right?

Yeah, what?

Where it's like... Everybody gets one. Jim Carrey and Adam Sandler both got to a point in their careers. At the apex of their careers, I think they were told like, whatever character choice you want to make. And then Adam Sandler did the little Nicky voice, which is like, unlistenable. And Jim Carrey gave the cable guy a lisp.

How dare you?

Or it's like Samuel L. Jackson in Kingsman, where he's just like, I'm going to make this choice and you can't stop me because at this point I have all the clout.

Meryl Streep and Julie and Juliet.

Oh, hello!

He's just like, do whatever you want.

Or she's playing the sweetie chef. You know this character is based on a real person, right? David entered a restaurant where a crowd of people were enjoying a meal.

When the people saw David, they dropped their forks and fled the restaurant. What happened?

So it's a crowd enjoying a meal with forks.

Gotcha.

David was a horse. What's the name of the son of Sam? Berkowitz. David Berkowitz, that's who it is.

It's close, it's David Arquette.

Okay, everyone drops their forks.

Is David an animal?

Yes.

I knew it.

Are people animals in your opinion? Have you ever seen Bojack Horseman? Yeah. Great. People can be animals but they have to make a pun.

Is he like a cockroach or something?

Even Closer.

To a Cockroach. Even Closer than what?

I guess earlier Erin said horse, so I'm going off that.

I do like even closer is a way for you to be like go even closer.

Lean into the mic is what I'm saying. I don't know if you've done anything. This is embarrassing. Mars can we stop for a second? So you want to keep like a pinky apart so put your thumb to your chin and put your pinky up here. This is the

Oh, wow. Okay, I've never done this. So I'm not supposed to put my entire lips over the mic as I'm talking. Unless you're relaxing your whole mouth. That's also how you want to eat ass.

You want to get about a pinky leg the way. Ew.

That's too far. Don't say ew. That's just saying that's too far.

To get away?

No, you gotta relax your whole face. And not eat any muzzle.

And if you drool a little bit while eating ass, that's the ideal situation. Okay, now we can start recording again.

Yeah, more speaking about it. So David is a rat?

This creature eats rats for fucking breakfast.

It's a mobster. A lobster? A raccoon.

A mobster.

Have you seen that Colin Farrell movie?

The mobster? Where if you don't fall in love, you turn into a mafiosa?

Yeah. When he claws his own claws out? Yeah, claws his own claws out.

Just like Tim Allen in the film.

It's, wait, it's not a rat? It eats rats?

Mongoose? Cat. Colder. A snake. A snake, it's a snake, it's a python.

Is it really? Now, yeah, this one does check out for me because if the python got into a restaurant, it probably does have an owner, some creep, who could conceivably have named it something like that. Gave it a first name?

Unless I'm at fucking Rainforest Cafe and then I'm just going to be like, this is part of the ambiance here and I love it. And that's why I'm eating a $15, you know, french fries.

Have you been to Runforest Cafe?

Is the Rainforest Cafe known as being like the most expensive restaurant in Chicago?

My boyfriend used to request to go there for every birthday because he's like, this is decadence.

I used to go there for work lunches. I would like take people. I was like, we're going to go to Rainforest Cafe. You'd make a reservation at like 10, you know, 10 a.m. and you'd show up and there'd be no one there.

I want to see a quick scene. Hayes, you're going to be one of the authors or critics for Michelin, the renowned French tire company that also does food reviews, famously. And JPC, you are a server at Rainforest Cafe. Obviously, you recognize this Michelin critic and you're trying to impress him. Gotcha.

Hello sir, welcome. Have you had a minute to look over the menu? Can I get you another water refill?

I would like a defense chair. You may not have noticed my body is made of tire. Oh, I just thought you were kind of Tim Allen's in the closet.

We can find you another chair. This table has four chairs. What do any of these do? We could also go get you a chair from the office. They're rolly with wheels on the bottom. And on Chad. Perfect. We can absolutely accommodate that. Have you had a minute to look at the menu?

Excuse me, sir. My son, he threw up on one of the gorillas up there. I'm really mad at you. I don't know why it's your fault, but I feel like this is on you.

Yes, absolutely.

It's my son's birthday too. Fix it quickly.

We will have the gorilla apologize to your son. Thank you so much. It is a man wearing a costume, and he will clean that up immediately, and I am so sorry.

Thank you. We'd like our meal for free.

Okay, and we'll give you 50% off.

We would like our meal for free.

Thank you. I'm so sorry. Direct eye contact. Could I tell you about our specials? I would like Zitookan! Now, we don't have, we don't necessarily have, and yes, we can do that.

What is the name of this restaurant? This is the Rainforest Cafe. I would like Zetoucan!

Okay, we can bring you a bowl of Froot Loops. That is something, we have like a bacon maple Froot Loop glaze on most of our dishes here. So we could just siphon the Froot Loops off and give you a bowl of that. That's as close to Toucan as we could give you. You can do this.

Sir, I'm so sorry. In the back, Josh. Sir, I'm so sorry. I want to apologize as his manager. I want to also let you know I am French, so we can slip into our native tongue.

Ah, but I'm so sorry. Oh, they're kissing.

Oh, they're kissing.

Oh, my native tongue.

Kissing.

So yes, David was the name of the python who escaped from the local zoo and found himself entering a crowded restaurant. What a fun backstory. What an adventure for him.

David just wanted to try that restaurant. Leave the snake alone.

We bought a zoo. We bought a python. Next one here. The man opened the door, screamed, and then was found dead a few minutes later. No gunshots were heard in the area. What happened?

He saw his own reflection.

Okay, and I assume like we're ruling out any other type of weapon? He was stabbed, just like not a very interesting riddle. It is open to that.

It was a silencer, the guy had a silencer. Yeah, I think we can roll out all weaponry. Okay, so he... Man opened the door, screamed, and then was found dead a few minutes later. No gunshots were heard in the area.

He opened a bathroom stall door. Mike Myers, his fat bastard, was taking a big dump in the stall, and the smell knocked the guy dead. Open elevator shaft.

That's so smart. That's so smart.

Thank you. That's pretty much it.

Is that it?

Can we just leave it at that? Just so we're all clear, I don't know if Hayes was so much giving an answer to that riddle, but he did say open elevator shaft into his watch.

I just remembered I left it closed. I have a smart house. He's like a Bond villain who's setting a trap right now.

That's a reminder. I have a bar that I need to open early today.

So the man is falling falling down, but it's not a it's not an elevator shaft.

Okay, so why would he say open elevator shaft?

The door was a window and he fell out of a building.

No, the door's a door.

Okay.

Falling out of the building is closer.

The man opened a door, screamed, and then a few minutes later, yeah, he died.

He expected a porch, but there was no

So I'll say that the people who witnessed this, who were scarred for life, saw him open the door and knew he was going to die, but it took a few minutes for him to die.

Okay, so it was one of those mobile homes that can live on the back of a truck. He opened it up, stepped out, the truck was going like 60 miles an hour down the highway, and he just rolled and got like hit by multiple cars.

How Indiana of you to say a mobile home that lives on the back of a truck?

Also, most mobile homes at all. Actually, if you'd watch the fucking documentary, most mobile homes are fucking transported. And the name of that documentary? Most Mobile Homes. Most Mobile Homes.

MMH. Can you give us another hint? Altitude.

Airplane.

It's an airplane. The man was on an airplane when he fell to his death after opening the door. Isn't the pressure on a door on an airplane while in flight insane? Like don't you have to basically be John Cena?

Just the pressure to open that door is so immense. I mean everyone on the plane is looking at you. They want you to open the door. You're expected to do it.

Your dad's there.

Can I say, speaking of being on a plane, Erin and I got on a plane yesterday to come here to Los Angeles. That's the way that you get here from Chicago, unless you want to take a car or a train or a boat. But there was a man who was on the plane who had a bag of what looked to be pizza. I can't remember if it was a home run in pizza. and he was constantly walking down the aisles after most of the plane had boarded and he was just like looking for an open seat and like everyone who saw this man coming like did not want a man who had a bag full of pizza to sit next to them so I think like people were like making themselves as big as possible to like dissuade him from choosing a seat and it was like it was like hot potato Russian roulette just people panicking not wanting pizza man I was that Dan and JP you're being really cruel right now I was protecting you and it was a bag of loose squirrels

Ready for another.

Here we go. A man is returning from Switzerland by train. If he had been in a non-smoking car, he would have died. That's all you get.

The car was smoking because there was a bomb on the train. Bomb smoke. Switzerland?

A man was returning from Switzerland by train. If he had been in a non-smoking car, he would have died. I will say, having read the answer, this is maybe the worst riddle of all time.

Is it like it's blocking him from seeing something because of smoke?

Is it a sight thing? No, the cigarettes saved his life. The cigarettes saved his life? Yeah, so if he'd been in a non-smoking car he would have died. So the cigarettes themselves actually saved his life.

Switzerland matters? No. Okay. Oh, I'm sorry.

Hayes is reading my t-shirt.

All Switzerland's matters. It's a cause I truly believe in.

I know it's offensive, I just don't know how. I know I shouldn't be saying it and I shouldn't have bought the t-shirt, but I saw it at a duty-free store in the airport and I had to buy it.

Something to do with his health.

He would have... Yeah, dying. Yeah, dying has to do with his health. Oh, come on! Does the answer to this riddle have anything to do with it being set in the past? Uh, no. No, gotcha. Okay, cool.

Like he would have had a heart attack or something if he didn't smoke a cigarette.

Nope. Was he smoking the cigarette? No, but he saw others. He saw others smoking cigarettes. Boy oh boy. So, oh, because there was so much cigarette smoke, there was a laser pointer from a sniper rifle, and the laser, he saw the laser coming and ducked down.

Catherine David Jones and the, yep.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, and Trapman. It's actually the movie in Trapman. And he climbed backwards and he real slinky. That movie saved his life.

The most sexual pairing, Catherine Zeta Jones, age 32, and Sean Connery's last movie.

I thought you were going to say Catherine Jones, age 32, and Michael Douglas. That's a sexy pairing. What a power move to say you got cancer from eating out your wife.

That was the coolest thing I've ever heard.

Not a hot take, but just reminded me. I don't think we're going to get this, so I'm going to say the answer.

No, fuck you. I'm betting on myself. I think I can get this. Give me a hint.

I'll give you some breadcrumbs. Yes. The man is returning from Switzerland.

We also have a hint. Eat the breadcrumbs and we'll see where we're at. But also I have way too much salad. Just a few more breadcrumbs.

I want to make these seagulls explode. So the man is returning from Switzerland from a surgery. That's a hint, number one. And hint number two is that keep in mind that trains go through tunnels. Okay. In Switzerland they do.

So someone lit a cigarette in a tunnel and he didn't see it or something?

No he did see it and that's what saved his life. He saw the lit cigarette in the tunnel. He saw the glowing ember. Because the whole train is black it's in darkness. If he had been in a non-smoking car and he went through a tunnel and through a mountain he would have killed himself and he just returned from surgery.

I got it. He got surgery to fix his blindness and he took off his blindfold. At the exact moment when they were going through a tunnel, if he had been in a non-smoking car, he wouldn't have seen the lit cigarettes around, and he would have, I guess, choked himself together because the surgery didn't work. But it did, and he saw the lit cigarettes.

And famously in the EU, they blindfold their patients. Yeah, Hayes got it correct.

Yeah. So what happens when you get that surgery is your head is all bandaged. You say, bring me a mirror. They say, no, sir, please don't make us. You say, bring me a mirror. And you smash someone's hand in glass.

I'm super messed up. Blind people are probably like, what the hell?

Probably the hardest and worst riddle we've ever had, and Hayes solved it. The man used to be blind. He's returning from an eye operation, which restored his sight. He spent all his money on the operation, so when the train, which had no internal lighting, goes through a tunnel, he thinks he's gone blind again and decides to kill himself. But before he could do it, he saw the lit cigarette of people who were smoking and realized he could still see.

That parenthetical, which had no internal lighting, is doing a lot of work.

We're just supposed to accept that the train has no lights on the inside. So the train that comes back from the blind hospital that specializes in the surgery, we're noticing a lot of the patients don't make it through the tunnel. Do we think that there's maybe a mechanical thing on the train? Well, no, we need the train dark. People like their sleep. One more riddle? Oh, yes.

I love one.

That's perfect for this show because that's the whole fucking premise. Hayes, I need you to just say that you want a riddle.

I'll take four more.

Legally, if you go with the guess ones. If you don't consent to these riddles, we can't give you two. A man dies of thirst in his own home.

Is he horny? He's on Instagram. Nice.

Nice, Casey, nice.

Uh, it's the most I've ever wanted. Nice. You can die of that, like a high school kid who's just like, if I don't, like, get satisfied at this point, you've been, like, teasing me so long, I could die.

Well, I'll be honest, if that can't happen, then the movie that I wrote is absolutely fucking worthless.

No one's gonna buy it. Can we just go around and say, in grade school-ish, when you were a kid, like, who was the first celebrity that you had a crush on? Mine was Kathy Ireland, which dates me.

I think I've said this in the show before, but I wrote fan mail to John C. Reilly. I was in love with him.

I think it was... Grade school? What movie is this? Chicago? Magdalene?

Honestly, Chicago. I wrote him a letter being like, stop being in movies where women are mean to you. Like, I just want you to be the hero. Wow.

But that's his bread and butter.

I know. He's so good at it. I don't know why I was trying to fuck up his career. I was trying to sabotage him.

I think mine was maybe like Jessica Alba from Sin City, but I was in high school. You said rabbit wrong. Yeah. Mine was any cartoon porn that I ever saw. Mine was Lois from Family Guy.

Yeah, mine was probably Lola Bunny or something.

Yeah, I guess if I'm being honest, mine was the Maid Mary in Fox from the animated Robin Hood.

Sure.

Mine was the Terminator when he goes into the sauce. Whole head melt off. That was probably when he just robot body sexy to me.

A friend of ours first crush that where she like actively wanted to fuck this person was Richard Lewis.

Oh my god, what?

When she was like 12 and he was in Robin Hood Men in Tights.

He's a sexy man.

Oh, I also liked Atticus Finch. I like that.

The character or the... I guess Gregory Peck. Gregory Peck. I think the first time I ever was horny was just the idea of Boo Radley. Just the concept of Boo Radley got me all humbled.

Oh man.

And then what's his name's performance? Richard Duvall's performance.

Oh, absolutely, yeah.

Robert Duvall?

Robert, what did I say? Richard Duvall?

Yeah, they pop in the morning.

Boo, Radley! A man dies of thirst in his own home. So what's going on here? A man's a fish. A man's not a fish, fish can't die from dehydration.

The man is a boat.

Oh yes. The man's a boat who sees him.

Does he have full access to every part of his home? Yes. Okay.

But part of his home might be out of order or malfunctioning, but he has access to every part of his home. I do want to see a quick scene.

We're going to revisit... But I know it now, and if we do a scene, we'll forget.

We're going to revisit the boat and the detective, so we're back on the USS Roughface. So this is another scene, and you are dying of thirst.

This is it for me, FF. I think I've done my last boat ride. Okay, so I know you hate notes. First of all, I don't want to do I Told You So's either. I do think it was a mistake to try and solve a mystery on land as a boat by just approaching the land really fast. We got much farther than I thought.

Yeah, look hindsight is 50-50. We all understand that, okay?

But, I, what, can I ever- But, I'll say now, now that we're in the position we're in, I'll say you can get out of the boat.

No, no, I don't want to.

Just admit, there's water right there. I don't want it. It's a fresh water lake.

I don't want it.

Y'all need tips from a pervert?

No, we don't need tips. We all know what that means. It's you showing us the tip of your penis. We're not into it.

That's an answer.

Red, I am so sorry about the dock.

No, no, no. It'll grow back.

No, not your dick. The doc. You know what, Red? We don't need a pervert right now.

Suck my doc!

Fuckin' it happen. FF, can I be honest with you? I've only ever wanted to impress you. I've only ever wanted to look smart in front of you. Oh my god! It feels like you think I'm some sort of fucking idiot. And that nothing that I do is right.

Look, I'm so sorry to hear you say that. I could have worked with a million other detectives. I could have left this at any time. I'm a talking boat. My shit is in demand. But I chose you. And that's why I want you to live. And to go drink just a little bit of the lake so you don't die.

Okay. Can you steer us back individually?

So I'm on land.

I love the wherewithal of the boat to be like, to know it's worth, to be like, I'm a talking boat.

I could have my pick.

I've got options. That's fantastic.

What's the answer? Shit, I truly now do forget what I was going to say. No, Space Station. I mean, the scene was basically... Space Station? It's not a Space Station.

Fuck! The scene basically was the answer, you just have to word it for me. Houseboat. Houseboat. Middle of the ocean. His home is a houseboat and he has run out of water with an extended cruise.

Mmm. Uh-oh. And, true, you can just drink the salt water, correct? Yep. Spit out the salt. Drink it fast? Drink it fast?

If you drink it fast, yeah, then you can drink it.

Same with anything. Same with anything. You can drink anything if you do it fast. You drink fucking rocks if you do it fast.

Are you a Marvel guy? You ever seen Quicksilver?

His powers, he drinks anything super fast. That's why his name is Quicksilver is because he ate all that mercury.

Yeah, he drinks big grim real fast. Gives him his power. Hayes, thank you so much for being on. Truly one of our favorite podcasters, so a big thrill for us. Thank you so much for being on. Anything you want to plug or promote?

I have too many podcasts at this point to do that.

Can I say that some of my favorite of your podcasts would be Hollywood Handbook, the Hollywood Handbook Pro version, and hashtag the flagrant ones?

Hashtag the flagrant ones is our Patreon exclusive NBA podcast. I'm wearing some merch from it right now that you can't see, but it looks cool. And I also, if you live in L.A., I host a local issues podcast called L.A. Podcast. That is less funny, but still a little bit.

Has JP seen anything you want to plug? Yeah, you can follow me on Twitter at JPsofly. You can follow me on Instagram at sharkbarkman. If you're ever in Chicago, come see one of our improv shows, World News Tonight, every Saturday at 8 p.m. and 10 p.m. You can always send us riddles if you have riddles that you'd like us to do on the show to hrrpodcast at gmail.com.

You can listen to my... Erin, you want to go ahead? You took a breath in intake of air.

This is the most awkward part of the show every week. We have a specific order and we never fucking... I'm going to hold my breath.

Quick, Erin, hold this feather. This is way easier. You can check out my other podcast Hello from the Magic Tavern. You can subscribe to our Patreon for Hey Riddle Riddle. It's patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle. Five dollars a month gets you new episodes every Friday. So check that out.

You can follow me, Erin Keif 10, on Instagram, and I'll plug all my shows and stuff there.

Awesome. And, Erin, you are famously a detective who lives on a certain planet.

Jupiter!

Bye forever.

Bye.

This has been Hey Riddle Riddle, created by Adal Rifai, starring Erin Keif and John Patrick Mowat. H.D. Snyder did the editing and already parented the music. That was a hate gun podcast.