Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. The live show was the live show. Hey, did you know we have a live show coming up? No way. Erin, we've talked about this.

Get real. Don't joke.

I'm not joking. We have a live show coming up at Shubas in Chicago. This is going to be Friday, August 16th, 2019. 9 p.m. Shubas Theater, which I've seen many a band there.

Yeah, Shubas is big. I can't believe that we get to perform there because we suck.

Yeah, and we're not a cool-ass band, right? So this is gonna be at 9 p.m., Friday, August 16th, $15.

All tickets are only $15, and there is a caveat. You gotta be 18 or older to attend or have a valid fake ID.

I love that joke! Another fun thing is both of my parents are gonna be there if you want to say hello to them.

So if you want to come to our live show, Shubas, the 16th of August, make sure that you bring two pins because Erin's parents will drink those pins by proxy.

Is Mitch going to be there? No, he's not invited. Why would we invite him?

So if you want to buy tickets, you can go to our Twitter. We will pin the show link on our Twitter as you can always find it there.

And make sure to get your tickets quick because everyone was sad when our June show sold out. So just go get them now so you don't have to worry about them.

I can't stress enough. We've done two live shows. Both of them have been exceptional. We have the best time. The audience energy is out of this world. It's going to be a good time. And $15, that's like one cup of coffee button in a place that rips you off. We'll also have, we'll have merch there. We're going to have some posters for sale, maybe some other stuff, and we'll stick around afterwards so you can meet us and take a picture and whatever you want. We'll do whatever you want.

I'll do a handstand. I won't. I can't. I can't.

The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Oh, then we're going to finish. He was the cat in an airplane. He stabbed him with an ice cream.

What's up, you riddiots? It's Hey Riddle Riddle. I'm Adal Rifai. I'm JPC.

And I'm Erin Keif.

And boy oh boy are you ridiots. Just for listening to this, for downloading this, for taking some friend's advice of like, hey check out this show, it's pretty good. Boy is there egg on your face.

Get that egg off your face.

You're an open egg face sandwich. You dumb ass ridiots.

Do you want to know an insult that someone said to me in my life that haunts me?

Can we guess? Let's all guess.

Bird eyes.

Bird eyes.

You said bird eyes twice.

You old frog throat.

My sister Molly said, Erin can't eat eggs without it getting in her hair. Whenever she eats scrambled eggs, it always gets in her hair. She's such a mess.

Old egg hair, Keif.

I know.

That sounds like a medieval, like, We now present to the court the egg hair.

And then I fall down the stairs.

Then you fall down the stairs and die. Egg hair Keif sounds like a drink that I would order without totally understanding what it is. I'm like, I'll have an egg hair Keif. I think it has egg whites in it. It's $17. It must be worth it. This place is so nice.

Do I have bird eyes?

I might have said it twice. Technically, everyone has bird eyes if they look like you.

Oh my god. It's a compliment. Oh my god.

Yeah, it's a compliment. It's a compliment.

Hey, you Riddids.

Birds have some of the best eyes. You have to admit. You have to admit. Eagle Eye Cherry.

Eve Six. Eve Six. Put my tender heart in a blender. Watch, it's been around to a beautiful... Have you seen a lot of dead birds around Chicago? Oh, you're a witch. You're causing them. Did you know, Erin, that when you look up in the sky and look at an airplane it crashes? Does it? You have that power. You really have been seeing a lot of dead birds around Chicago?

Yeah, I think I've seen four in the last week. Whoa! And they're the, like, normally in the winter you see a bunch of dead pigeons because they, like, sit down and they freeze to death.

They sit down? Yeah, they... Do you think pigeons... I'm picturing a pigeon in like a little lawn chair. A little pigeon chair. So do you think their knees bend and they put their butt down?

Yeah, I think like they're... yeah, they fold in half.

Well, that's what's killing them. They're folding in half. It's snapping their inner organs.

When pigeons land and then they can't fly more than they die.

Prince's first draft. Maybe I have bird eyes.

But I've been seeing the little songbirds. They're really, really small. Just dead.

Do you live by a songbird tree? Because in a change of season, all of the songbirds fall out of the tree, and that's what makes more songbird trees for future seasons.

They're really little. I don't think that's true.

No, it's not.

They're really little and they're... Did you mean to say willy-wittle? They're willy-wittle. And I've been seeing them close to like buildings and trees, so I think they may be falling out.

I have not seen any dead birds lately, and I know that I haven't seen any dead birds lately because... I've been looking for them. I do. I collect them? When I'm walking, I'm looking for them because Spaghetti will pick them up and put them in her mouth. And she doesn't want to do anything else but put it in her mouth.

She can put them in her mouth.

She doesn't want to swallow it or chew it. She just wants to like hold it there for a minute and taste it. And she's done that to a dead bird before, and it's very gross when she does it.

Two things. One, have you seen the series Dark on Netflix? I haven't. No. Check out the series Dark. It from Germany? It from Germany. Great. Pennywise the Clown from Germany. It's from Germany and it's also, it's like a combination of lost and stranger things, but it's better than both. But it's one of the best series I've ever seen and so many of the episodes are just like them finding dead birds. And it signifies, well I won't ruin it, but it signifies something. And then also, did you know that there's a bird, a little songbird, I forget where, it's maybe in Italy, that you like pan roast and then you eat it, you like cover your head with your napkin and then you eat it in one bite and it's like this forbidden

Thanks for watching!

Most of the wild shit I'm eating, I'm hiding my face from God.

When you eat ribs, you put your napkin over your head, right? Because you're a vegetarian?

I don't want God to know I'm putting mayonnaise on broccoli, so there's definitely a napkin over my head. Sorry, God.

Who's old man? Puzzles.

Erin, I'm so glad you asked, and I'm so glad it was slow, because I heard it. I'm Old Man Puzzles for this episode, and I think that I did this in a long, long, long way back time ago episode, so for new listeners or returning listeners yearning for a treat, we're gonna do some warm-up puzzles that are jokes for kids.

You know, it's a joke for kids school. Well, that's the first one.

Dane Cook's School for Jokes.

What's that, Old Bern? Oh yeah, Erin, you're like school on Saturdays. No class.

Ooh! I think that's from Rudy. Erin, can I also tell you something?

What?

You got a Sunday school face and a Saturday night body.

What does that mean? What? I don't even know where to begin with that something.

Do you guys know the phrase? You got legs that would make a cardinal kick in a stained glass window. I think you are. Do you guys know the phrase?

I think you're lost.

Do you guys know the phrase butterface? It's a very mean thing. Sure. But it's, but she's a butterface. I like everything about her butterface. In grade school, me and my friends thought it was very funny to call people butterballs. But it's like, I like everything about her butterballs.

You guys were doing bits.

You were laughing. I got that from going to a grocery store and seeing turkey. I like everything better, but she smells like turkey. She's a total butterball.

I like everything about her, but she gets three strikes in a row.

Jokes for kids. Jokes for kids.

Okay. Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor. What did one say to the other?

I'm a pickle, and so are you!

What's the deal? Uh, Adal... Adal is closest without going over. The answer is... Are you fucking kosher? I am. Okay, two more.

You're a little salty.

No, two more, two more, just for now. One of them was named Darren, and he goes, Flassic Darren. What? Why Darren? Well, you know, you're like classic Adal, so you just say classic Darren. I just love how his name is Darren. Well, Pickle's got fun names. Alright, one more Adal. Tell me the whole joke again.

Two pickles. Two pickles fell out of a jar to the floor, one at one side or the other. You did not do that. Tell my wife I love her. I guess that Adal was closest without going over the answer.

Oh, wait, I have one more.

Got it. If I could turn back Brian. There you go. Okay. Fuck you. That's what... Don't! No, don't fuck yet. That was the last one that I asked for. Never touch a pun man's radio. Deal with it is the answer. That's what I said. I said you were closest without going over it. What did I say?

They're in the same situation. Why would you say deal with it when they're both dying on the floor?

Um, maybe one was being like an asshole about it. I want to see, let's see. JPC and Erin, you are two pickles.

I thought you might.

And, um, you are, uh, you didn't fall out of a jar, but you're both, um, you're in, uh, uh, you were in like a cave, like a fun little cave in like Kentucky. What? A pickle cave? A pickle, no, it's not a pickle cave, it's a regular cave, but you're pickles. But you're in this cave, uh, cause you saw, like you were driving on a road trip and you saw a fun little tourist trap. It's Ruby Falls, which I believe is in Tennessee, it's a little cave. And there's a cave-in and now the two of you are left and the air is depleting.

Okay, let's try to conserve oxygen as best we can. Well, I guess I shouldn't have asked you to do anything that would fucking benefit the two of us. You're so petty.

You had to pull. And I had a dream, Darren. I had a dream that I would be eaten next to a sandwich during someone's lunch break and a day that they really needed a sandwich like a Thursday or a Friday, a delicious sandwich at work. I wanted to be that pickle. And then you said, well, pull over, pull over. I go, I wanted to go to Greece for a honeymoon.

You wanted to go to Greece for our honeymoon?

You know what they do to pickles in Greece?

Wait, what? Why? Why do you want to meet an olive? On our honeymoon? Jill, why do you want to meet an olive? Do I hear two pickles in there?

Help!

Do you need help? Yes! Please pick us. What? Pick us. I'm just having fun. Catch up. Goddamn it. Same.

You don't want to pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick a pick You were both right. The first thing that you said was right. Fire truck me. Yes, but put that into a pun that has to do with eating maybe. This is something that you would say after you have a big meal. What was it? What did the donation say after what? I ate every last spot. After lunch. That really hit the spot. That really hit the spot. Adal got it. I do like Erin. I'm going to give you partial credit for, I ate every last spot. Which makes no sense, and I know it.

I do want to see a scene.

Again.

Again.

Oh my goodness.

This is going to be... This will be a Swan Lumps. This will be Old Classic JP Riddles. You are with your Erin and I who are your niece and nephew I think we've established half-heartedly and you're gonna be telling it you're gonna tucking us in with a bedtime story that's kind of like 101 Dalmatians but it's your own little twist.

When will our parents be home? When is our mom and dad coming back?

They went to Rome and they forgot to hire a babysitter so they'll be back in a couple of weeks as soon as they're done with the little trip there to the Vatican and all of the Pope and all his castles. But you're stuck with old JP Riddles until further notice.

They didn't hire a babysitter meaning that they don't know that you're watching us?

No, I intercepted a phone call. They called a babysitting service. I've been putting flyers all around the neighborhood. All those flyers lead back to a phone number that's a burner phone, and a squirrel took the burner phone from me, and he went up into a tree. But I climbed that tree at night time, and I strangled that squirrel, and I ate his tail.

J.P.

Riddle. And so I intercepted the call from your parents. I disguised my voice all I missed as a doubt fire. Oh, well, hello! I'd be happy to schedule a babysitting service for you while you go to Rome. And now here I am in a big house in a nice neighborhood, eating peanut butter out of the jar, no spoons for old J.P. Riddles.

They would have let you watch us. You're a beloved family member.

Ah, but I ain't gonna take charity from nobody, okay? And now J.P. Riddles has the run of the house, and these are your dad's pants, and this is your mom's blouse. Uncle JP. What's that? Now don't call me Uncle JP. Call me JP Riddle, so you call me Dr. Riddles.

Dr. Riddles? Why did you eat that squirrel tail if you were going to come over here and eat peanut butter?

Well, you know, it plans a plan. Revenge is a different thing. So anyway, just climb up into the bed, okay? And I know that I pushed two sofas together and I call them that a bed because I'm taking all the beds and I have some. Can you read us a story? Yes, what do you want, little one?

Are you wearing our mom's perfume because it smells like it?

I'm not wearing your mom's perfume. I drank your mom's perfume because I thought I was having a big glass of brandy. And JP just has that alcohol in quite some time, unless you count squirrel urine, which does fuck you up pretty good. But it's not really the same as alcohol. Climb into bed. Now what do you want now, little girl?

It looks like your hair was on fire recently.

Okay, well, I did have to watch all of Mrs. Doubtfire, and I tried to recreate a couple of scenes, and I didn't let my hair on fire.

You look more like Firey Marshall, Bill, from In Living Color.

He's right. My brother's right.

I don't know how you fucking make that reference. You good little 13-year-old miscreant. Everybody climb into the couch bed.

You old Uncle JP Riddle.

Hold on now. What do you want, little girl? I'll later take one more question from you.

You've had the same piece of spinach in your teeth since I was born. Why don't you take it out?

I would love to take it out, but this piece of spinach was surgically inserted into my teeth by a doctor. It was his dying wish that I keep it here.

Same comment as my sister, but the fork in your neck.

Well, J.P. Riddles started watching Mrs. Doubtfire, but apparently I was watching the movie Frankenstein and I did a couple of things wrong and then about halfway to the movie I realized my mistake and started watching the right movie.

It's not even two forks on each end, it's one fork all the way through.

It's one fork all the way through. I think I nicked something important. It is indeed, so I'm just going to wait until that bio degrades. Now get into bed and I want to read you this story.

Tell us a story.

Okay, now this is one of my famous Swan Lumps books. This is Swan Lumps 22. Swan Lumps 22, the man who made one coat out of one dog. Okay, so... Oh, once upon a time there was an old hermity man and he had a horrible shitty life and he lived out in the yard and he had no friends and no family and one day his no good brother and his beautiful wife went to Rome. Yes, he went to Rome on a vacation, an old JP, I mean this man in the woods, snuck into the house and he found that there was a dog guarding the house and he made quick work of that dog and by that I mean he took about Thanks for watching! Backstage is gone, okay? You went to Rome with your parents.

I do it all from the top of a steel cage! Why did the kid cross the playground? Because he was monkey-barring around.

No, this is not a pun and it's not a joke. Oh, what? Partly anything. To get away from the white fan. Jesus, that's dark. You said it's not a joke. That'd be great to have on a kid's website.

Because his mom called him to get to the other side.

To get to the other slide. You said it's not a joke. No fair. Okay, this one I'm going to do a slight little change up to. How Does the mummy start a letter? How does the mummy start a letter? Mummy writing a letter?

Toilet paper.

Okay, Erin, that's the first dead storp of the episode.

Storp, storp, storp. Dear John, which is like a toilet, so toilet paper. Dear John.

Dear John, yeah. Like a toilet. Uh-huh. Toilet paper. Yes, you're on the wrong track.

You're both on the wrong track. What's tut? Instead of what's up?

What's tut? Keep it tut? Yeah, keep it tut. Do you know how you start a letter with keep it tut? I usually say keep it toy. Erin, dear mummy. Yeah. Very good. I would accept that as well. Mummy and daddy. He's writing a letter to his mummy and his daddy. But no, this is a mummy starting a letter. Here's what ice thinks. Okay. Okay. That also works. That also works. I'm having a pyramid-life crisis. There you go.

Give it to him!

That's something.

Give it to him!

This letter is not to be spoken, it's to be pyramid. Kai-ro-no. Give us a hint. Give us a hint.

Give us a hint.

So you would also start a letter this way if you were writing a letter to someone who... To whom it may concern?

To whom it may.

It's just to whom it may concern. To whom it may concern. To whom it may concern.

To whom it may concern. Hey, real quick, can we like lose our fucking minds at how good I am at this? Adal.

I said he was good. I wanted him to get the pyramid one.

You are very good at jokes for kids. So do with that what you will.

I'd like to see a scene.

I would love for you to see a scene.

So Adal, you are a British soldier in World War I and you're writing a letter to your loved, your love back home. And then JPC, you're the love back home and we're going to hear your response.

Gotcha. My dearest Veronica, It is such a shame to have left you in the streets of London. I know that you are putting your candle out at night, thinking of me, and trust that I am doing the same here on the battlefield. Of course, I am here in Polynesia, fighting the King's War. And I can't tell you how beautiful this land is juxtaposed with how vicious and terrifying the fights and wars are. I can't wait to be back in your loving arms. I miss your bread pudding and your sticky toffee.

Love, Chauncey. Dearest Chauncey. I was overjoyed to get your letter this past Wednesday, Pass. Of course, I skipped the dreadful parts about the bloody, terrible war. Oh, the king! The king! How he sends you on this war. Oh, I did notice that you asked about my bread pudding, so please find him closed with this letter. The recipe to bread pudding. One loaf of bread. Two scoops of pudding. Blend. Bake at 350 degrees for 20 minutes. Serve chilled with a nice glass of mulled wine.

Ravika, come back to bed.

Hmm, Drake. Drake, the love of my life, who makes my loins burn. Oh, shit! I'm still writing! I'm not talking, I'm writing! Oh, dreadful Veronica, whatever will you do?

Dearest Veronica, your last letter was not received as whatever the contents were were eaten by maggots and vermin. I trusted it with something special. Knowing you, you were giving me your kindest regards and warmest- Hey Todzy, come back to bed. Drake. My love started at the bottom now we're here. Drake.

Drake fuck everyone. Okay, ready? This is it. This is it. This is for all the marbles. This is it. What do you call a droid? That takes the long way around. R2D Tour.

Is that right? That's right. Honestly, let me be honest. I have never heard that joke in my life, but my brain is broken.

But I hit my head in such a way that now I'm good at just this one thing.

A pun kills my dad and ever since then I vowed to learn every pun. A pun killed my dad.

How?

Just ask yourself, do you feel lucky? Pun? Do you? That's when Adal goes and hunts down every pun that killed his dad.

Riddle riddle riddle. Riddle riddle riddle. Riddle riddle riddle.

Erin? That's correct. That's the name of the show. Riddle riddle riddle. Yes, those were the warm-up riddles. You all did admirable. You did laughably well.

So we're promoted from general to admirable?

You're going to be a rear sergeant. Ooh, sexy, sexy. Okay, we are going back to a book that we've used before. This is a book of lateral thinking puzzles. So these are not going to be riddles. These are going to be lateral thinking puzzles.

So if one of us can't solve it, we can toss the ball to somebody else who can carry it to the end zone. Explain yourself to a person who doesn't know sports.

Great! Well, that's great. It's just like I'm having a fucking conversation with my dad. Thanks a lot, Adal. Wonderful. Love it when my dad explains football to me. He knows so much. Okay, is everybody ready? Yes. This, uh, is called giving Kevin the boot. Erin, close your eyes.

Wait a second. Wait, wait.

Hold on. Okay. Fuck this. I want to go back, and I want to see a scene. How did we not do this? I think I was so happy I solved it that I glossed over what could be an amazing scene. Erin, you are R2D2, JPC, you are C3PO, and the two of you are on a fucking road trip. We can't not see that, and I might chime in as BB8. And that's a dead stop.

Get out of the road, honk, honk, honk, honk, beep, beep, beep. R2, now this is an important learning lesson for you. I crashed us Master R2 into the side of the road because you wouldn't stop dillying with the cigarettes right there. Now, how many times do I have to tell you, Master R2, never touch a bronze droids radio? Alright, you're ready to get back on the road?

It's BBA! You're welcome!

Actually, Erin, those were impressive R2-D2 sounds. Honestly?

It sounded like an Ewok stuck inside R2-D2. Thanks. They're being facetious.

No, those were good sounds. Much better than my C-3PO.

I thought it was funnier when he could talk, but you guys... Help us!

What if R2-D2 had a human voice this whole time?

If someone could go back into the Star Wars movies, and every time R2-D2 bleeps or bloops, just put Erin screaming, help us! I would buy that movie for $100.

Uh, yeah, you'll get sued by George Lucas. He's very litigious. Okay, this is called Kevin. Giving Kevin the boot. It's called Kevin giving Kevin the boot. Kevin was asleep when a boot crashed through his bedroom window, waking him up. Loud music came from the house next door, further irritating him. He jumped up, shook his fist at his neighbor's house, and shouted some obscenities towards him. Even though officers don't prosecute, that's the D.A. 's. Uh, even though it was obviously excessively loud, after the police officers explained the facts to Wayne, he was happy- Oh, fuck me. After the officers explained the facts to Kevin, he was happy to forgive not only the noise, but also the broken window.

Explain. Oh, um, these are still kid jokes, so the guy lived in Bhutomor.

You have to turn off that part of your brain, bud.

Bootlemore, Maryland. He turned off that part of his brain, and that was the whole big part left.

Okay, let's see. The people next door were cops. Oh, I know what it is. Actually, I know what this is.

So a boot came into his window.

He called the cops. Could the answer possibly be he was in boot camp?

Oh, is the culprit with the boot, was it like a horse and they can't prosecute a horse? Because horse law?

You can't prosecute a horse?

No. They're above the law. Them and Stephen Seagal, two things above the law.

Very tempted to go to Riddle Court, but I'm not going to.

Well, you'd lose because they're above the law.

Yeah, it's true.

So a boot comes into a window. He calls the cops. Cops come say there's nothing we can do about it. The guy says that's cool and they part ways.

The music.

Kevin was asleep when a boot crashed through his bedroom window, waking him up. Loud music came from the house next door, further irritating. He jumped up, shook his fist at his neighbor's house, and shouted some obscenities towards it. It's 3 a.m. He yelled, truthfully, if you don't turn that racket down on calling the cops, the music persisted. And Kevin did as he threatened to call the police when they arrived. The officers refused to prosecute for the noise, even though it was obviously excessively loud. After the police officers explained the facts to Wayne, he was happy to forgive not only the noise, but also the broken window.

And Wayne is Kevin. Fuck. Is it he lives in like a little shack next to the White House? It's a little old shack where we can get together.

Okay, so someone was breaking into the house next door. Their boot fell through his window, and then they turned the music up so people wouldn't hear them robbing the house. And then they were like, thank you for calling us. Thank you, cops.

Erin, that is so close, but it's a little bit... Cigar? Yes. Cigar or no cigar? Steven Cigar.

Above the law.

That's very close. It's a little bit wrong.

He stopped the crime from happening. Kevin Dunn. The neighbors weren't home. The neighbors something.

Was it the guy saw that there was somebody breaking in and then when the cops said there's something we can do the guy was like fuck it because they're assholes?

No, Erin's right in that there was a break-in at the house next door. The part where you're incorrect is the rest of it, I should say.

Is it they can't prosecute because it was just a little kid controlling cardboard cutouts on strings?

Yeah, and kids are above the law. Come along. Yeah, there is no jail for kids. Actually, jail for kids is actually homework.

Oh, I'd like to see a scene. Adal, you're in a jail for kids. In JBC, you're his best friend who's come to visit him and you're talking on those little phones and you're talking about your experience Adal.

Oh God, thank you so much for visiting.

Yeah, I mean we're all very concerned about you. Also for lunch today was South Bowie State.

Oh my god, I would kill for South Boy's Day. Did you know that every day here, all we get is those juice barrels with the tin top, where sometimes the tin falls into it, and then also pizza lunchables.

Pizza lunchables are the worst kind. Yeah. Because no matter what, it's cold.

Yeah, it's always cold. But, I curb stomp a guy and I got a bunch of candy cigarettes. Oh, that's good news. Yeah.

Um, look. That kid had to go to the dentist. That's important. I mean, luckily, will kids, their teeth fall out?

Yeah, and I don't have a lot of lower body strength. You don't?

Five more minutes!

Sorry, the word really busts them off.

Here's a homework. Here's a reading assignment. I gotta do homework? I guess so. They told me, I'm supposed to come here and bring you your homework assignments.

What does a temporary tattoo say?

Fish? Yeah.

You big fish fan now?

Yeah. Okay. That's a very adult prison thing to like.

Honestly, I'm changed. Hey, can I ask you something? Anything. Is Megan seeing anyone?

You mean Miss Markowitz? Yeah.

Is Megan Markowitz seeing anyone?

I guess so. She said she'd hold out for me. Oh, I feel like I'm hearing stuff that I don't want to hear, because I mean, I assume it's just her and her husband still. Anyway, she's teaching the class and... One more minute!

I'm a kid too.

I thought you were a grown mouse. She keeps saying that.

I'm a kid, not a grown mouse.

That's clearly a grown mouse.

Not a grown mouse. Want to see me jump, Will?

Sure. Sure.

I can't have a grown mouse.

Let's see. Kid prison. All kids should be in prison. Okay, so I'm going to give it to you. So here's the answer. So, burglars had cut the neighbor's telephone wire and broke it into their house, so they couldn't call the police. In self-defense, the neighbor barricaded themselves into an upstairs room and successfully provoked Wayne into calling the police by throwing the boot and playing the music. Yep. The reason why they didn't prosecute, obviously, is because they came and arrested the people, and Wayne was a hero, even though Wayne was a little bit of a crank.

And Wayne grew up to be famous superhero Wayne Knight.

Yes, of the... Seinfeld persuasion.

Jurassic Park's a persuasion.

Adal, real quick, this is a very small scene, but I want to see a solo scene. You are hosting... We'll see. Yeah, we'll see. There might be like a funny doctor character that comes in.

Funny little robot who screams, help me.

You are hosting a public access television show called The Seinfeld Persuasion, and it airs directly after re-roads of Seinfeld where you dissect the episodes.

Welcome back Santa Fe. This is the Seinfeld Persuasion with Tom Mackey. So we're gonna unpack this recent episode. We saw an episode called the contest. So the premise of the contest is that everyone's gonna refrain from masturbating and they don't. They're all losing. They slam down their money which indicates that they did touch themselves in the privacy of their own home or at work and they did ejaculate or come. Uh, we're gonna take some calls from all you Santa Fe locals, all you, uh, field heads out there. Yes, yes, sign fiends. Uh, what do we got here? Some field fiends?

Uh, no time. There are, as always, there are no calls.

Whoa! Whoa! Oh, that's my emergency line. Hello?

Help me! Help!

I gotta save this robot. Let's see.

The Seinfeld persuasion.

Um, let's do what a Faberge egg does when it falls off a shelf. What? Take a quick break?

Hey JPC and Erin, did you know that we have a Patreon?

Yeah, we talk about it incessantly on the show. Oh boy, this is one of the ugly things.

A little bit of heavy lifting. Let daddy put on his lifting gloves and his power belt. We have a patron at patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle and Patreon has allowed us To make a living. We make a living as podcasters, as improvisers. People call us fools and idiots, and we are both those things. Yes. But Patreon has given us the artistic freedom to connect with our fanbase, to make money. It's not even asking for money, it's an exchange. We provide content, we provide art, we provide our time and energy and humor, and the fans reward us with chocolate in the form of money.

Yeah. We exclusively get paid out in chocolate money. And it's because of Patreon, what they do is they, you know, power businesses for creators like us by allowing our fans to directly influence our business. So without that portal, without that website, we would really have no leg to stand on.

It's also really nice because that money helps us pay other artists. Like we can pay KJ and Arnie Parrott and Ray Glass and other people who are making things that you like as well.

Salvador Dali.

Yeah, we've been making his estate a lot of money.

He has not cashed in single checks. He's a good guy. He's a stand-up guy. He's a stand-up guy. We can't say Salvador. He does stand-up now. We say Salvador, cash the checks, and he goes, I don't get paid till you get paid. And we say, hey, we're getting paid. And he goes, I don't get paid.

I don't get it. But Dolly aside, Patreon has been absolutely life-changing for us. I cannot imagine my finances or life without Patreon at this point. It has helped me become an independent creator and I don't have to work a 9-to-5 thanks to all the wonderful people and Patreon.com. And right now Patreon wants to help you out if you want to Hi Riddle. For a sustainable revenue stream, creative freedom, a closer connection to your biggest fans, which we have, even though they gave us those riddles with holes with them. And Patreon would love to work with you, as they have with us.

And we did this with Patreon as well. Patreon was really great to work with. They helped us launch everything. They helped us get our page up and running. And they're wonderful folks to work with. So we highly recommend going out there and getting involved. Patreon.com slash headgun.

There's three things I love most in life. My mommy, my daddy, and Patreon.

And we are back with more family-style pasta!

Who wants some tortellini? Hosted by Regis Philbin.

Oh, I'm back too.

Who wants some tortellini? I like the phone and Italian friends. I'd like to remove 50% of the breadsticks from the table. Oh boy. Erin, do you want to do one? No. Okay.

I'm hungry for riddles.

Wow. This one's called Race to the... When you hear you're puzzled. Thank you. This one's called Racing the Draw Bridge. Park Street included a draw bridge over a river. As its warning lights flashed, Kevin proceeded toward the bridge. The barriers were lowered, blocking the road. Kevin ignored them. The draw bridge itself opened, and Kevin gunned the motor and aimed right at it. But there was no collision.

Why not?

Kevin on cocaine.

Kevin on cocaine. Yeah, probably. Are you locked in, Adal? Is that the final answer?

You don't wish to give any more answers? If I'm wrong, I don't get tortellini? If you're wrong, you don't get tortellini. So there's a drawbridge closing. Kevin's on a motorcycle? What'd we say? Bad out of hell? Is it bad out of hell?

Kevin is a bird.

Park Street included a drawbridge over a river as its warning lights flashed. Kept and proceeded towards the bridge. The barriers were lowered, blocking the road. Kevin ignored them. The drawbridge itself opened and Kevin gunned the motor and aimed right at it, but there was no collision.

Kevin was in a boat beneath the bridge.

Was in a boat beneath the bridge. Oh that tasty, tasty solution.

Oh, I just drank contact solution.

But you did like it, right?

Ew! Adal gross! I'm not doing anything!

Adal! Simple Context is a sponsor, so Adal you- I'm coughing up blood, Erin helped me! I don't know how! You have to say it's good. This is a sponsor.

Thank you, Bajan law, for- It's coming out of his eyes!

And I ate Parrot Thief's underwear. That's good food. Sponsors. We love you. We love you, sponsors. Thank you, sponsors.

We love you, sponsors. So yes we do. We love you, sponsors. And we'll be true when you don't sponsor us. So sad we're blue. We love you, sponsors.

I looked way too intense of my eye contact with Adal.

She made Dead Dog, Eye contact with me, and just meow with her bird eyes.

Oh, that's Ritty Kitty. Ritty Kitty really has sold out. I'm singing sponsor songs now. Scared of her shadow is the title of this next riddle.

Alright, well, I thought we were done insulting me.

Silly Susie, who lives in Florida, finds it particularly important when she is driving and sees the shadow of her car to roll down her window. Why?

Can you read it again?

Silly Susie, who lives in Florida, finds it particularly important when she is driving and sees the shadow of her car to roll down her window.

Is the fact that she's silly pertinent? I don't fucking know.

She doesn't have air conditioning, and when the sun's out, it gets too hot in her car.

Um, Erin? Why wouldn't someone have air conditioning?

Because they live in Florida.

Erin, if you live in Florida, you legit, you need the air conditioning.

Well, your car's broken. She had it, and then it broke.

She had AC, but it was AC Slater. She was saved by the bell horn, honked the horn. Kill me.

Hold on, hold on. Hold on, I have to call my friend of the paper and see if he can at this late notice stop the presses. Because Adal, you got it exactly right. The answer was a bunch of random bullshit makes no fucking sense. And Adal got it. Still got it. No, that is not the correct answer.

When she sees her car's shadow, what was it, rolls out her window?

Adal, I'm so glad you asked. Yeah, silly Susie, who lives in Florida, finds it particularly important when she is driving and sees the shadow of her car to roll down her window.

Why? Uh, total eclipse. The shadow of her car.

Total eclipse of her car.

Is it because there's going to be a glare off the window or something? She has tinfoil windows. Would you stupid motherfuckers like to hear some hints and clues?

I have been nothing but kind to you. Yes, please daddy puzzles.

You had me at I have been nothing. And Erin, can I get a please daddy puzzles from you? Please daddy puzzles. I'm only doing it because I know you meant it. Okay, does the sun shine brightly in Florida? Yes. That's one of the clues.

Fuck this book. Honestly, fuck you, you kind of sending-ass piece of lateral thinking shit.

Ah, but Adal, you can't fuck a book. I learned that the hard way. Wait, paperback? Shit. God damn it. You broke your dick? Where were you when I was breaking my dick fucking hardback books?

Right next to you.

He was sleeping in a cot next to me. We both went to jail for riddles. Cathy Ack! I wanted to know, I wanted you to know I'm clever. When the sun is shining behind the car, which is not the same as shining in the driver's eyes, is there potential danger because something important cannot be seen? Yes.

I think I nailed it.

That's the answer. And Erin, can you give me your guess one more time?

So, when the sun shines behind her, it's in her mirrors, and she can't see anything behind her, so she has to roll down her window, stick her head out the window, and get decapitated.

A la Hereditary.

Yeah.

Oh, same thing, but she doesn't get decapitated. She gets decapitated.

She gets decapitated, which is when she- So Luke and Nara Decapriated stands behind her on a boat? Uh-huh, yeah. That's awesome. That's fucking awesome. Getting decapitated?

It hurts!

I lost my fucking head. Getting decapitated is what happens when you get fucked by a poor person in an old car.

Oh my god!

He does that in that movie. It's a new car for the movie. It's an old car for us now. And if I were to be affected by a car like that now, it'd be an old car. What's the oldest car you've ever fucked in? This is a different Riddle.

It's a different podcast. One of those bicycles with the really big wheel on the front.

She's like the village bicycle. Everybody gets a really big wheel. Ew! That makes no sense. That doesn't make any sense. No, no one's gotten the answer to this riddle right yet. And that makes me the host fucking pissed.

You have it right in front of you, my good man.

Can we ask some yes or no questions? Yes, please, at this point.

Is this an annoying answer?

Yeah. Is this an annoying sound?

How about this?

Hold on, my phone's ringing. Poppy puzzles. 30 minutes and less if you get a pop of free.

Better greens, better puzzles. Does it have to do with a certain time of day?

Um, I guess so, yeah. It's more and more has to do with the fact that there is a lot of sunlight coming from that's hitting the back of the car.

Is it because the woman because silly Sally is like a ham and she'll cook if she doesn't roll down the windows because of the way light works?

I can infer from this answer that yes, she is a ham, but that's not going to help you.

Great.

And infer means infrared? It's like a type of light. Do you want people to hear her music? Is that infrared? I'm sorry, Erin?

I was joking.

Great. What did you say, Erin? I missed you a great joke.

It wasn't a good joke. I want to hear the answer. I think I'm ready.

No, I want one more hint. Okay. The car that she is driving is very old.

Oh, it's a Ford Model T. It's a Lipton-Sun-Ice-T.

It's an old car. Hey Erin, I'll think you're not just saying musicals in my fucking podcast.

Okay, I'm gonna go back into my little kiddie pool that's at the corner with my ducks and my boats.

I think you get away with my ducks and my boats.

When I'm not talking, I'm in my little kiddie pool at the corner cooling off.

It sucks because I want people to support the Patreon, but so far all Erin has done with her share of the Patreon money is buy little kiddie pools, fill them with Crystal Pepsi, and have little ducks and boats. And she just spins every episode at her little fucking kiddie pool, which drives me wild. The twisty straw is connected to a different kiddie pool that is full of Coke Zero.

And you're asking how is she spending all that money on just those basics? Well, kiddie pool, she spells it K-I-T-T-Y, so there are 200 kiddies drowning in Crystal Pepsi. And just sticky as hell.

Or are they drinking?

No, they're dead. Technically, no one can drink Crystal Pepsi. There's flies above the pool. This sounds like a riddle. There's flies above a kiddie pool. You said it's an old car. Is it a horse?

No. Is it a train? Train car? I do kind of, fair's fair, and I do kind of want to give you a dead stop for that old horse. Should we? Old car is a new horse. No, actually Henry Ford said if I did what people wanted me to do I would have invented a faster horse. But what I did was make a car which is better than a big fast horse.

You get this horse in any color you like as long as it's brown.

I don't know.

Okay, so she drives an old car, and I will say that her taillight lenses have not been cleaned from the inside in a long time.

Does she need to put her hand out the window to gesture which way she's turning?

Correct. So, she lives in Florida, there's sun shining on the back of the car, and the taillight lenses haven't been cleaned in a long time, so they're nearly impossible to see when there's a light from the sun hitting them, so instead she has to roll down her window and use hand signals. to signal that she is breaking.

I gotta see a scene. This is a scene set in the early 1900s. Erin, you are a used car salesperson, but of course it's early 1900s, so there's limited options. JPC, you are in the market for an automobile. Okay.

Ooh, Honky Honky.

I'm sorry.

Honk Honk.

Okay.

Honky Honky Honky.

Look at this. It's the early 1900s, so no one really knows what that means. Yes, Honky Honky indeed.

I'm making a honk sound.

I understand, yes. Honk Honk. And this Honky Honky would like to buy a used automobile.

Well, I'll tell you about this one.

Okay. Now this is a used or this is a new?

A used automobile. So I'm not going to- Smoke comes out the back. The whole time.

Sounds like my ex-wife.

Oh!

Just kidding. I'm married to my current wife. Divorce is not something that one would do with these times.

We're really terrible to women. So, smoke comes out the back the whole time, but here's the thing. There's only one mile on this car. It's only on a mile. Isn't that incredible?

A mile? That's thousands of miles!

I'm so sorry.

To us, to our people, we're so slow and stupid.

I know, but it's a used car, so you're gonna get what you're gonna get.

Let me ask you, where does the horse go? This is not a riddle by the way. It's not like to the other end of the slide or something like that.

Horse power, but the horse doesn't go anywhere.

I'm sorry. There's no horse. What do you mean that how could something have the power of a horse without the physical presence of a horse?

You leave your horse at home. You get into this. You press this. Here we go.

Get out of my horse and into my car.

Okay. I'm sorry.

Excuse me. I'm the manager here. Honky honky. Is there a problem here? You're honky?

Honky honky. No, there's no problem here. Your sales associate here is lying to me about the power of a horse being contained inside the engine of a car.

Well, I can back them up and say that every car engine does contain the power that's akin to that of several horses pulling it in a forward motion.

Not akin to a horse. I don't want some sort of mule car or some sort of donkey car. In the morning I'm making waffles, honky honky.

What is that in reference to? I feel like I've heard that before.

Yeah, I feel like I've heard that before as well.

What have I heard then before? I don't know.

What do we need to do to get you into this car?

Shrek, I have no idea what you're talking about.

What do we, as two people, one who will get the commission from this and one who will not, what do we need to do to get you into this car?

Guys, grease up the doors and push as hard as you can! I'm a very rotund man. That's physically how you'd get to be in the car.

But what do we need to do to make you want to be in this car, to drive away with it, and then to give us money for it?

Alright, alright, so enough of this horse mucky. Give me brass tacks. How much is this car going to set me back?

Eleven dollars.

Eleven dollars, are you mad?

Who am I? The king of England?

Eight dollars. We could do eight dollars, and in the future you would do us a solid favor.

Okay, eight dollars and a favor to be named later. Well, my little boy will have to work extra hard in the salt mines, but eight dollars... Yeah, the famous American salt mines. How ignorant, my little boy is Caribbean. Honky-honky. He lives under the aisles. I never, the guff of you, the insolence. But $8 seems like a fair price. Let's shake upon it here and there.

Five, six, seven, eight.

To seal the deal, you do have to fuck me on this bike with one big wheel and one tiny wheel. I wouldn't dream of doing a deal a better way in the village bicycle.

Here we go.

Ah, the old times. That's just how things were.

You push a little wheel with a stick and then you fuck on a bicycle. Fuck on a bike. Hit us with another riddle.

Hit us with another riddle.

Okay you riddiots, this one's called the mirror-or. It's called the what? The mirror-or. The mirror-or? The mirror-or. Like you row a boat with a mirror-or?

I don't know how I can explain this anymore clearly. It's spelled M-I-R-R space capital O-R.

The mirror-or.

I'm sorry that I fucking know how to pronounce words because I went to theater school.

Your great elocution.

Your enunciation is top of the class.

Elocution!

I punched my sister's puppy because the puppy was upsetting.

I love every time you do one of those, it's always something to do with your sister.

KJ just threw in the towel. Just threw a towel on the ground and then they walked out.

That means they quit, yes. Oh, thank you.

Thank you, old man Adal Rifai.

Just as per historical context.

It's a boxing term. It's a boxing term. Throwing the towel. Boxing day of the day after Christmas. Okay, this one's called the mirror. A mirror is mounted over the headboard of a bed. Nice. It is there because someone has a bad back. Explain. I can't say how pleased I am that every time Erin sings she knows one out of every five lyrics to a song.

JJ was still dancing.

I love it. What song was that?

That's a Lady Gaga song. Am I crazy? Am I crazy? That's a Lady Gaga song. I just don't know that song.

Erin, you're not crazy, you just know the lyrics to zero songs.

I know the words mirror on the ceiling.

I actually don't know Lady Gaga's songs, I'm only a fan of Ally from the movie Starborn.

I would say that that song I was just singing... How did you get butts in them jeans?

I did like when I came into the studio I was singing Six, which I just saw recently, which was amazing.

I saw two, I loved it!

And I was trying to sing... Well, Adal saw Six and Erin saw two. I was trying to sing Jane Seymour's song and Erin was like, you sound like Aaron Neville falling down the stairs. Which I'll take as a compliment.

Wait, do it. Do him falling down the stairs.

Here's me singing and then you said it sounded like Aaron Neville falling down the stairs.

Here can help me up, you can help me down. I'm not here saying I'm thankful. And I wasn't wrong, I guess.

Wow, Erin Neville fell down the stairs, didn't miss a stare. I just fell down the stairs, hit every stand.

And I broke my nuts, I'm impotent. What was your favorite song from six?

Probably that one.

That one?

Very emotional. I also like the one that Anne Boleyn sings. Sorry not sorry. Sorry not sorry.

Hey you fucking imbeciles! If I wanted to see the movie Six, I would go watch Brad Pitt and At Minus One. So this person had a bad back, we have to explain. Do you have any guesses or do you want me to read some clues?

Their back was so bad, they had to put on their bra by looking in a mirror in bed. They had to put on a bra? They had to look at a mirror to put on their bra because they couldn't reach around properly.

I don't know.

I get it though. I feel like I pulled my shoulder out of its socket when I'm trying to clasp my bra together. That's because I'm a woman who's bad at being a person.

Ooh, she looks like a woman, bad at being a person. Pretty woman, bad at being a person. Ooh, she just got her dress caught in a car door and shut the door and pulled the dress off.

That woman looks like a pigeon sitting down. So uncomfortable.

No. A mirror is mounted over the headboard of a bed. It is there because someone has a bad back explained. It's mounted over the headboard of a bed. I will tell you right now that you will need clues for this. You will still not get this and it will make you mad.

I would love some clues then.

Okay. Let's... Hey, Erin. Let's give you some clues. Huh? Okay. Is the mirror where anyone could easily look directly into it? No. Is it made from ordinary plate glass? No. Is it the only mirror that is mounted near the bed?

No. Is this like a Cinderella situation or who? Who had the mirror? Snow White?

Are you talking about Medusa?

Yeah, Medusa. Remember Medusa had that mirror?

Yes, there is a mirror in Medusa. It's the shield that is a mirror.

I want to see a scene and Adal, you're the princess of your choice and you're asking your magic mirror a question. JBC, you'll be playing the magic mirror.

Okay.

Oh, magic beer. Remind me which princess I am.

Did a fucking bird just die? No. I thought I just heard a fucking bird die.

No, a bird came to my window and landed on my finger.

Oh, Michelle, it was you singing. Okay, cool.

Mirror, you snarky little bitch. Mirror, I love you. You're my best friend and my confidant.

Well, how can I help you, Michelle? Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Hold on, I'm pouring wine.

Is that my wine?

Uh, is this your wine? Did you pull that through the mirror? Do you have a $600 bottle of Merlot? I did. Well, what's yours is mine. What's mine is wine. How can I help you, Michelle?

I want to know who's the fairest of them all.

Hold on, I'm getting texted. This is Brittany. She's such a whore.

What is she saying?

She's saying she fucked.

She fucked.

She just fucked. She's saying she fucked.

Well, that's Brittany won't text me back.

That's not that she's texting my mirror. Interesting. Hmm. What was your asking? You were asking who the fairest one of them are?

Mira Mira, on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?

I think I guess I'd have to say that I'm the fairest of them all because I'd have to be super fair to be able to give as much fucking attention to you as you are requiring of me. I should be splitting my time, you know, in my own interests. So I'm probably the fairest one of them all. I'm sorry, Michelle, do you want you to be the fairest one of them all? Oh, I'm sorry. Michelle is the fairest one of them all. If by fairest one of them all, I mean most likely to get fucked in the pig exhibit of a county fair. Because that's what you are, Michelle.

Oh my god.

Run a comb through your hair, sweetie. Okay? Maybe you'd actually pull out hay, because that's what it looks like. Looks like a barrel of hay.

I'm the princess that has all the hair.

From Tangled? Yeah, Michelle. If you have to say it, Michelle, it's not true. Okay?

You're a stinky little mirror, bitch. I know.

Mirrors don't have genitalias all the time.

You two really captured how women talk to each other.

I was not a woman. First of all, I was a gay man. And maybe look at yourself in a mirror, Erin. Damn. Do you guys have any answers to this?

I don't. I mean, you said we're not going to get it. If we do, we're going to be mad. Is it something to do with putting on some sort of medical brace or something?

No, it is not about putting on a medical brace.

It's about doing surgery. No, it's nothing about doing a surgery. Is the mirror made of diamonds?

Is it a stained glass?

I think that the fact that the mirror is made out of some other material is not useful at all to anyone.

Can you tell us what the mirror is made out of?

Optical-grade glass to prevent eye strain. Optical-grade glass.

Oh, they have to stare into a mirror to fall asleep?

Kind of.

They're a vampire. They're a vampire? Yes. They have to check every morning? They are a vampire.

Ooh, thank God. Okay. Yes. I do believe in God. No, so okay. I'll just give you the answer because boy oh boy. This one's my Uncle Jeff, a real dick. No, I love my Uncle Jeff. Is it one of the two? Okay. It is one of two mirrors, both made of special optical grade glass to prevent ice strain. The mirror that is not over the headboard is mounted on a flexible bracket near it. After adjusting the second mirror, one can lie on one's back, look into it, and see the reflection from the first mirror. By looking through two mirrors, one sees an unreversed image. This arrangement is useful for someone with a bad back, which we said, who wants to lie in bed and watch TV. For one need not be propped up, but can lie truly flat. This is a special double mirror arrangement so you can watch TV in bed.

Adal, your pop culture references are on fucking point.

Alright, so here's what we're going to see. We're going to see a quick scene. Adal, you are going to be taking a tour. Erin, you're going to be giving this tour. This is a tour of Thomas Jefferson's house. Erin, as part of this tour, you've just gone into Thomas Jefferson's bedroom where he has a special mirror situation in his bed. Adal, you're going to be losing your mind for this.

What's his door here? What's his big thing?

Made of oak?

Sir, we're getting to it.

Oh, damn! Damn, is that his bed?

Yes, this is his bed.

And does anyone know what day... Is that... is that Toejay's bed? I call Thomas Jefferson Toejay.

Well, then you must know what day he died.

Oh, he died.

Does anyone know what day Thomas Jefferson died?

Yep. Halloween.

Little brains out. Oh, no, no. Um, I think you're a little confused. He's sad. What's another holiday, though?

He said never didn't have candy.

And he died the same day as another president. President's Day.

President's Day.

It's an ironic day, the day he died.

Oh, fucking shit! Is that a mayor? Is that so you could watch TV? I bet his favorite show is Jefferson's, moving on up.

They didn't have, interestingly, interestingly, they didn't have TV in the 1700s and 1800s.

Hey, can I ask you something? No matter how fucking obnoxious I get, you talk real patient.

Why so? Because I will say, Thomas Jefferson fans are usually the worst kind of people. So I've had a lot of weird, a lot of racist, crazy people. Practice makes perfect. Yeah, so do you know what day he died, Bill?

Uh, presidency?

July 4th!

Oh, was it Honda Days?

Nope, not Honda Days. July 4th, the same day that John Adams died.

Oh, damn! That is correct. Oh, it's a ghost! I did die on July 4th. Are you John Adams or Thomas Jefferson? My name's Pete.

See?

Pete the Ghost. Oh, Pete the Ghost. Y'all did so well on those riddles that now I'm gonna reward you by giving you your own individual time to plug anything that you would like to plug.

Before we do that, I do want to bring out one thing. What the fuck? This is something I received in the mail, and this is from Lauren McGregor. With the last name McGregor, where do we think Lauren's from? Spain! You're both wrong. Australia! Lauren sent us a package. Oh my god. What's inside here? So we have several violent crumbles. These are crumbles that are violent. We have Caramello Koalas. We have some Tim Tams so we can do some Tim Tam Slams. And also we found, and I snuck into this bag. This is my new favorite candy. It's called Cherry Ripe. And it's like...

It's so good.

Honestly, it's so fucking good.

Alright, we'll all have to try some cherry ripe. Did she write any note or anything or just send us a bag of fucking candy?

If she did, I ate it.

What's that?

What's that piece of paper that came out?

Oh, she did write us a note.

Hold on. Hold on. You can have it if you read this letter in an Australian accent.

Alright, we'll settle for Boston.

Thanks for watching! Don't bring me a glass, baby!

I ain't catching glass!

G'day from Melbourne! Hope you enjoy these awesome treats. Thanks for all the riddies and puzzies. Lauren.

That was great. Thank you so much, Lauren.

We really appreciate all the... I'm gonna eat these caramel koalas in my bed when I'm sad.

We're gonna release a Patreon episode that's just us eating this candy, so check that out. No, don't worry about it. And all sincerity, you do want to check out our Patreon. You can go to patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle. It's only five dollars a month and you get new episodes every single Friday. So you're basically doubling your dose of us three, if that's what you want. Which why would anyone? If that's how you want to die. And our LA Live show, which was phenomenal. Such a great time. A hoot and a half.

I was so nervous and it ended up being so fun.

It was so great. And that's going to be released on our Patreon. It's probably on there right now. So if you want to hear that, all our live shows do go to Patreon. And please check that out. Also, I do want to mention that while we were in LA, we recorded on some other folks' podcasts. So check those out. We were on If I Were You with Jake and Amir. So please listen to that.

Very fun. It's an advice podcast. I recommend you listen.

And they're such wonderful hosts, and we're so kind to us over the time. Also on the Head Gun Network. On the Head Gun Network.

They were great.

And also High and Mighty, which is John Gaberson's show. We recorded an episode with him, which should be out now. We're coming soon. Also on the Head Gun Network. On the Head Gun Network. Hollywood Night! Erin, anything you want to promat?

Follow me, erinkeif10, on Instagram, and I'll promote my shows there. I'm also on a team called Wepus, and we have a show every Thursday at 10 p.m., and if you want free tickets to that, just message me.

Yeah, for me, you can follow my dumbass on Twitter at JPsoFlyer. Follow my dumbass on Instagram at sharkbarkman.

And don't you do a show at IO called Buttmass?

I do a show. It's Sunday mornings at 10am and noon called Buttmass. It's worth talking butt. It's Sunday mass. I do a full Christian Catholic mass out of my ass. I've never wanted an episode to end it more. With an ass mask? You do it Jim Carrey style? For sure. Why not? Adal, let me do the plug. Please. By the way, when we were recording an episode of If I Were You with Jake and Amir, which was very fun, Adal set me up to say that I had some dumb bullshit podcast, and a bunch of people, nice people, very nice people, messaged me on Twitter to be like, having trouble finding that podcast that Adal mentioned that I had to explain kindly to these people that Adal is an asshole. And I was going along with this dumb bitch.

Which is why you can see me at church, I'm sorry. If you want to check out that podcast that I joked about being fake but is actually real, it's called From Lulls to Lulls. So check that out, you can find that on... Do not message me about that podcast. You can find that on paper only, so search your local dumpsters for that. You can also check all three of us out at World News Tonight, which is every Saturday at I.O. Theatre in Chicago at 8 p.m. and 10 p.m. We've had an incredibly wonderfully long streak of fans visiting us every show for the last like eight months or something, so please don't let that streak die or else the show stops.

Cassette last night. Cassette from Les Miserables. Yes, but she was also at her show last night. I tried to say bye to her and I didn't really get to talk to her and then she walked away and I called her name and she didn't hear me. Cassette, Cassette! Exactly, that's what I did, but I just felt really bad and so I'm so sorry that I didn't get to talk to you more than that. You walked away before I could say goodbye.

Well, what a personal message.

Erin, I also heard last night I overheard after the show you were trying to call after somebody else and you kept screaming this name. What was the name you kept screaming? Jupiter! Bye forever!

Created by Adal Rifai, Starring Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan, H.I. Snyder-Viddie editing, M.R.E. parent in the music. Logo created by M.O.E. Artemis, and M.O.E.

That was a Headgum podcast.